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☆。*。☆。F4 Family Hcs

They've all been on Sesame Street AND the muppets.

Johnny gets his fashion sense from Sue. Those open shirts and tailored pants with an accent belt that everybody went crazy for? That's the older sister effect. Whenever he's on the red carpet and people ask what he's wearing, he always says, "Ask my sister."

Ben is the head chef for multiple soup kitchens and food charities. The few recipes he's made public have been indoctrinated forever into the memories of New Yorkers for generations to come.

They have a family playlist. I need somebody to make this playlist. I will pay you in heart emojis.

One day, Reed drags Johnny onto the kids' science show he hosts, just to demonstrate a basic combustion principle. Johnny expects to hate every second of it. He loves it. He loves it when the kids climb all over him, eagerly asking questions and trusting his answers. He loves seeing their eyes light up with wonder. And he gets to talk about space! Within a week, he has his own segment.

H.E.R.B.I.E. has touch sensors on top of his head, so he can feel when people give him little scratches and pats.

Reed finds out that everyone has done research on panic attacks just so they can better support his anxiety. He tries not to cry when he thinks about it. He cries anyway. He loves his family so much.

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Tim reboots the Batcomputer software every couple months, but on the newest update, he forgets to change the code words he uses for batfamily before publishing the code.

Bruce is mildly surprised when he boots up the mainframe and the screen flashes, "Welcome Back Walking Wallet, Aka PTA Warrior, AKA Nagging Ninja, Aka Batdad," but he knows that it's his fault for letting Tim into the software, so he lets it go.

Jason's permanent username is now Therapy Topic and he hasn't let it go for months.

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Alfred: Is there something you'd like to tell me? Bruce: I had breakfast this morning and I took my multivitamin, you have nothing to badger me about. Alfred: All of the blankets in the manor are missing. Bruce: Literally all of my children steal blankets. Alfred: All of them? They stole all 1,120 of them, Bruce? Bruce: Alfred, I don't even use blankets. I sleep in a single sheet at best- Alfred: Our hot cocoa supply is also rather low. Bruce: .... Clark comes in through the window around 2 a.m. He leaves before you wake up. He hates the cold, Alfred, and I can't tell him no. Alfred: Do we still have kryptonite thread? Bruce: Alfred, please-

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I kind of want to get into RP more? I think it's a really fun character work exercise so I'd love to see if there's interest.

Stuff I'm Most Into rn:

DC (esp. Batman-verse & Superman-verse)

Marvel (esp. Fantastic 4 & Avengers MCU & The Punisher & Daredevil)

Teen Wolf (esp. Stiles)

Call of Duty (esp. TF 141 & Konig, & Graves)

Avatar: The Last Airbender (esp. Zuko)

The Princess Bride

Lord of the Rings

I'm also into plenty of other fandoms so don't be shy to shoot your shot

Quick boundaries:

No underage intimacy, noncon, incest ships, or pro-abuse narratives

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"You're so silly!" Dick would say, this wide eyed, cute little kid doing backflips on top of The Riddler's tied up body. "So funky, sooo goofy!"

And Bruce would nod very solemnly. "Yes. We are so so silly. Now please help me defuse this active bomb, thank you, sweetheart."

And to this day, 'silly' has been embedded into Batman's vocabulary. Flash wants to stop an alien invasion by running circles around the space ship like a hedgehog? What a silly plan that absolutely won't work. Damian almost falls off a building trying to catch and domesticate a pigeon? Stop being so silly, Dami, before you hurt yourself. Jason literally dies? It's okay. It's okay. He was just being silly. Accidents happen. He'll come home soon, right as rain. He's always been silly like that.

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Big fan of the Batkids hating on all of Bruce's love interests. It's not that they don't want their dad to be happy, it's just, THAT'S THEIR DAD. As soon as it became apparent that THE JOKER and CATWOMAN had a crush on Bruce, it was over for them. No one is allowed to approach their old man for anything more than a handshake and a charity donation. It is utterly ridiculous that their pops, with all of his universal sex appeal and the entire galaxy to choose from, keeps attracting VILLAINS, CRIMINAL PSYCH WARD PATIENTS, MURDERERS, AND LAZER BEAM-EYED ALIENS.

Though to be honest, even if one of Bruce's partners was just the nice old librarian from down the street, they would still treat her like a criminal. They can't help it. Their dad's love life has scarred them forever and now nobody can have him.

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman - All Media Types Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Summary:

"Give me your Batman brain."

Bruce, who has been tracking criminals at the batcomputer for hours, stares at Dick. "What?"

Dick, only about twelve years old, is looking up at Bruce with ominous sincerity. He makes grabby hands. "Give me. Your Batman brain. Give it."

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Baby Richard Grayson accidentally invents the Batfamily's longest-running coping mechanism. Based off of this tumblr post:

https://www.tumblr.com/heist-family-content/790792651103436800/give-me-your-batman-brain-bruce-who-has-been?source=share

Based off of this post

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Alfred being the batfamily's anchor. Alfred being the only person alive who can effortlessly anticipate everybody's needs, not because he knows them, not even because he loves them, but because he's the only person they can all trust completely. Being vulnerable around Alfred has never been scary. Needing something from Alfred has never been shameful. He's their safe space. Their glue. Their rock. Alfred being the only person Jason will openly discuss his therapy sessions with. Alfred accompanying Duke to visit his parents in the hospital every week. Alfred comforting Bruce when he feels like he's failing, because even the Bat Dad needs his own dad, sometimes. UGH Alfred Pennyworth, you are worth the world and more.

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When you read a fic that's so soft and healing, it hurts you from the pit of your stomach and puts a frog in your throat like you're about to cry.

@sherlocked-hunter-in-the-tardis when i catch you....

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i loved that Batman brain thing, btw it was just too cute. Do you write fics perchance?

Thank u! I've only got one full batfam fic on AO3 here. I typically only write fics if people tell me that they want them, or request something specific, and I never get those. But if you'd like to see my take on something, shorter or longer, on tumblr or ao3, I'd love to hear about it !

Also quick promo, @sherlocked-hunter-in-the-tardis wrote this lovely thing inspired by my silly jason post. I haven't read it yet, but it looks pretty good!

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"Give me your Batman brain."

Bruce, who has been tracking criminals at the batcomputer for hours, stares at Dick. "What?"

Dick, only about twelve years old, is looking up at Bruce with ominous sincerity. He makes grabby hands. "Give me. Your Batman brain. Give it."

Bruce raises a brow, but figures this must be a strange thing children do. Perhaps Dick has brain damage from training, who knows. He hesitantly mimes grabbing his brain from the top of his head and putting it in Dick's hand. Dick sets the pretend-brain off to the side, placing a pretend-glass case over it for later.

Dick seems satisfied. "Okay. I threw a block of legos at my classmate Tarence. He was giving our teacher a panic attack and had to be dealt with."

Bruce raises a brow and opens his mouth to speak, but Dick cuts him off. "Wait wait wait, your Batman brain is over there. Now you only have Dad brain. Gimme Dad."

Bruce, unfortunately, cannot argue with that logic, so he pats Dick's head and asks for a step-by-step reenactment of the event so he knows how to best defend his son at the meeting with the principal.

As with many things Dick randomly invented as a child, the metaphorical exchange of brains stays in the family forever. Bruce will often catch Damian being grumpy and go, "Hey, give me your Robin brain. You've been using it for too long, it's getting overcooked." And Damian, relunctantly, will suction cup his head with his fingers and deposit his Robin brain in Bruce's hands, who will hold it very carefully while Damian, using only his 10-year-old Damian brain, grabs his largest stuffed-animal and squeezes it to self-soothe.

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Need the fluffiest, softest, cuddliest, wholesomest, most comforting batfamily fics that exist on AO3. If I could get some recs I would be eternally thankful.

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Bruce: I don't know who, but one of you has a broken bone. I know this because I'm your father, I have mythical dad instincts, and also, I'm Batman. Jason, very loudly: Bullshit, he's bluffing. He made a mistake last night during a mission and he's trying to pin it on one of us via injury. Bruce: *Pulls up a PowerPoint presentation of why it is Jason*

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Need batfamily sleepovers. Need batfamily movie nights where they all wear their bat-jamies and pile in front of the bat-tv to watch bat-Ryan Gosling building a bat-house for bat-Rachel McAdams. Need the batkids each sleepily deciding, "nope. i don't care about Bruce's personal space, I don't want to have a night of lonely nightmares, and besides, Bruce is warm," and when Bruce wakes up, there's seven snoring sidekicks on his queen sized mattress, most of them literally on top of him like leaches. Need batfamily cuddles right before batfamily breakfast. Need batfamily softness in the face of batfamily hardship.

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Best thing I've ever seen OP.

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Clark has been leaving freshly wrapped peaches from the farmer's market on Wayne Manor's front step for weeks.

When he and Batman are on a mission, he peels oranges and hands Bruce the slices. The entire Justice League is confused by this, but Bruce has chosen to silently accept it.

Clark frequents an apple orchard close to his parent's farm, because of course he does. He always sends a fresh box of them to Dick's apartment in Blüdhaven.

He's always trading fruit pie recipes with Alfred. He's told Tim how to make the absolute best fruit smoothies, and he's even sent Bruce an edible arrangement.

Eventually, Bruce asks about this, and sweet beloved innocent Clark just goes, "Your whole thing is bats, right? Like fruit bats? I saw them at the zoo, they need constant produce to stay healthy :)"

Bruce calls Clark dumb, but he eats all of his orange slices.

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I imagined him grabbing them the way people pick up puppies and just sort of find places for them, but "like articles of clothing, specifically shirts" is also acceptable

All of the batkids sleep like tiny curled-up cats. More than once, the Gotham news, innocent bystanders, and even street thugs have testified to seeing Nightwing bundled up and snoring on top of a lamp post, or Red Hood catching some Z's beneath a dumpster with his knees tucked to his chest. The working theory is that Batman allows his kids short naps during their first year of patrol, and for safety reasons, they learn to sleep in a small ball underneath his cape, and that type of muscle memory lasts a lifetime.

Additionally, the batkids can and will sleep anywhere. Even at the manor, they will pass out in hallways, stairways, bathroom counters, kitchens, and even in the garden.

Cue Bruce walking around the manor in his bedtime robe, collecting each of the robins by the scruffs of their necks and piling them into his arms so he can get them to a proper bed.