theculturalists

[theculturalists]

Free Pass

Top Ten Things You Can Say That Will Instantly Get You Out of Almost Any Kind of Trouble...

10) Wasn't me.

9) He did it.

8) I cannot confirm or deny.

7) Dosen't sound like something I would do.

6) I wasn't here at the time

5) My friend Benjamin here might know more.

4) It was dark and I couldn't see.

3) There was a black guy.

2) It was like that when I got here.

1) I feared for my life.

[theculturalists]

Frog Legs...

Top ten things France has done for the U.S.

10) Gave us the Statue of Liberty

9) French fries

8) French maids

7) Creole culture

6) Hot air balloons

5) Marinara sauce

4) Absinthe

3) Kept the Brits preoccupied during war of 1812

2) Louisiana purchase

1) Troops, guns, ships, & generals in the Revolutionary war

[theculturalists]

Benji Goes Home

Do you know what one simple thing the American government could do, one easy and extremely effective move it could make, that would deal an absolutely massive if not catastrophic blow to the illegal smuggling trade of drugs, guns, and humans worldwide?

Demonitize the $100 bill.

There are currently about 11.5 billion $100 Bill's in circulation. That's about 35 for each and every US citizen, the population they were intended for as use as legal tender for all debts public and private. How many do you have on you right now? Zero? One? Two? Maybe it's payday and you've got five or ten. Going on vacation? Probably taking travelers checks or a bank card. Speaking of bank cards a good chunk of Americans, including a majority of millennials, use strictly electronic funds transfering, leaving an even larger average for cash users to account for. Outside of hitting on a scratch ticket or cashing a bonus or tax check none of us are ever carrying 35 Benjamins.

So where the hell are they all?

The American $100 bill is the defacto currency of illegal smuggling of drugs, guns, and humans worldwide. Thosands upon thousands exchange hands every day. Funding innumerable illicit activities. It is so widely accepted and so stable that most banks, (especially those in central Europe and the Caribbean), will take them with little to no questions asked. Demonitize the "C" note, i.e. make it a worthless scrap of paper, and the international illegal smuggling trade collapses over night.

Won't the smugglers just switch to different currencies?

Probably, but this presents obvious logistical problems for the smugglers. There are far fewer actual bills in circulation of the lower denominations, especially 50s, meaning more are needed to complete the same transaction, and they are less available as they are used much more for the everyday transactions of normal law abiding Americans as they were intended. This would make illicit exchanges harder to pull off and easier to spot. The only other worldly currency that competes with the Dollar in availability and acceptability is the Euro but it is much newer and thus more tightly regulated.

But what about my $100 bills?

Of course there would have to be a grace period to allow regular people a chance to exchange any extant bills, say anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months. And exceptions could be made for US citizens at US banks exchanging a few bills here and there afterwards. On a side note, a 10 bill limit per transaction would solve a lot of the same problems but be nearly impossible to enforce.

But I like the Hundo. Ded prezidentz yo.

Nostalgic? Don't want to see the $100 go the way of the $500 and $1000? A more palatable, albeit more expensive solution could be to replace the $100 bill with a $100 coin. Make it big, 2-3" in diameter. Make it heavy 3-4 oz. Make it stylish with big Ben in repose. I think it'd be pretty cool personally. At 1/4 lb you'd know if you got one in your pocket. It would also make million dollar cash transactions effectively impossible. Right now $1,000,000 cash is 100 stacks of 100, $100 bills, fits neatly in a gym duffle, and weighs about 22 pounds. $1,000,000 in 3", 4oz coins wouldn't fit in the back of your pickup truck and would weigh over a ton! A normal, average, everyday American consumer would be only minimally inconvenienced. They could easily switch to smaller bills or just carry around a hefty coin or two. The international drug runner would be put out of business!

Now I'm not claiming this proposal would end all crime. No, the only way to do that would be to legalize all criminal activities and regulate them. But that's a discussion for another blog.

[theculturalists]

Poison! Handle With Care.

Top Ten Best Things About Being on Chemotherapy.

10) It's a great excuse if you don't feel like doing anything.

9) Insurance deductable is always met.

8) The handicap parking placard.

7) It's a decent buzz.

6) The prescription strength anti-nausia drugs came in handy at the amusement park this summer.

5) I've gotten really good at swallowing pills.

4) I now like a whole lot of new foods. (Because foods taste different).

3) I can miss work pretty much whenever I feel like.

2) ...And I pretty much can't get fired.

1) Mosquitoes don't bite. (Seriously it's awesome).

[theculturalists]

Tell Me If You've Heard This One...

Top Ten Things That Are Going to Change Because of 1000 Oaks...

10) Nothing

9) Gun sales will spike

8) 11 dead kids will get a lot of thoughts and prayers instead of going home

7) Politicians will talk

6) Survivors will talk

5) Family will talk

4) Media will talk

3) All will point fingers

2) None will do anything

1) Nothing

[theculturalists]

If You Can't Laugh At Yourself...

Find someone who will.

TEN TASTELESS JOKES

Top Ten best things about me getting cancer...

10) All cancer jokes are now in play.

9) I just went straight to the front of the medical marijuana que.

8) My back pain isn't a bother anymore.

7) I get to learn a bunch of new big words.

6) I have a super legit reason to tell my boss to shove it.

5) I don't have to worry about what causes cancer anymore.

4) The sympathy tipping should go through the roof.

3) Somehow I knew this would happen the day I got my life together. Which is why I never got my life together before today.

2) And you thought I didn't give a shit about things before.

1) I get to die young like all the greats like Jim Morrison, Alexander, and Jon-Bennet.

[theculturalists]

Recycle, Reuse, Revive!

In this the era of reviving old TV shows, here is my list of the top ten I'd like to see come back...

10) "Coach," with Craig T. Nelson reprising his role as Coach Hayden Fox but this time as GM or even the new AD at Minnesota State U. Maybe restart with the hiring of idiot savant Dauber as new head coach.

9) "I Dream of Genie," with Arianna Grande as same Genie new master to an Elon Musk style character. I Dream of the outfits modern tv can get away with.

8) "iCarly," as Carly, Sam, and Freddie have grown up so has the content of their web show. I think we could all use a comedic send up of the disproportionate political influence of social media.

7) "The Dick van Dyke Show," with old man van Dyke as the grand patriarch of a now massive, entertainment oriented clan. A format that would leave near endless opportunity for celebrity cameo. Zac Efron and Ryan Secrist would need to be a part of this.

6) "Quantum Leap," guilty pleasure here but I'm sure Scott Bakula is free. Maybe Sam could go back to the 2016 election and set right what once went wrong.

5) "Seinfeld," to be fair this one's already in the works. I just wanted to throw my hat behind it. Also, the show deserves a second chance at a first ending.

4) "Dukes of Hazard," just to prove I'm not completely anti Trump here's one more on the deplorables' levels. Cars, booze, short shorts and no blacks. MAGA!

3) "Golden Girl," I just want to see Rose Nylund on screen one more time before we loose this national treasure. Maybe back in St. Olaf living with her daughters as she has clearly outlived her retirement plans.

2) "The Simpsons," though technically still on the air this show has long ago lost nearly all relevancy and satirical bite, and is in desperate need of revival.

1) "M.A.S.H." The entire original cast is back as curmudgeonly old forgotten war vets hanging out at Bingo parlors, VFWs, and brunch buffets talking contemporary social issues and geopolitics whilst peppering in the occasional poignant war story. With today's political decisiveness and this buffoon president this show would be as cathartic, relevant, and necessary now as it was 40 years ago.

[theculturalists]

Ten Tasteless Jokes: Parkland Uber Driver

Top ten thoughts that went through her head as she dropped the killer off...

10) "He looked alright to me."

9) "That's a funny looking saxaphone."

8) "Maybe he's going hunting."

7) "Hopefully the teachers are armed."

6) "There's an SRO on duty, I'm sure he can handle it."

5) "The NRA is one of my sponsers."

4) "His lifestyle choice."

3) "Wow, this has got to be the safest school in America!"

2) "They tip me a fiver, I don't ask questions."

1) "Second Amendment Bitches!"

[theculturalists]

Tops

Top five phrases uttered by Trump supporters;

1) I wish...

2) I believe...

3) You're wrong...

4) Attacks...

5) Fake news...

Top five phrases uttered by Trump detractors;

1) Lies...

2) Shameful...

3) Disgrace...

4) Orange...

5) Joke...

[theculturalists]

Revelations

Just finally finished a binge watch through of AMC's The Walking Dead. I had heard good things, here are my thoughts and theories. (Preface: I have only watched the TV adaptation. I have not read any of the comics on which it is based.) COMA THEORY - Rick is still in a coma - season 1-2. I truly believe this was the original intent of the writers. There's tons of evidence to support it espescially in the pilot. (Which I must say was just a cinematic masterpiece.) All the wall clocks in the hospital had stopped. Wall clocks are usually battery powered. Although Rick has been unattended for at minimum several days, his hospital gown and bed sheets are unsoiled. Also his wound seems to have changed places and severity. Throughout the first two seasons the morality challenges Rick faces are all very personal. He cannot ever keep both his family and the larger group safe simultaneously. I think this harkens back to the last thing Lori said to him before he was shot. "I wonder if you even care about us at all." Rick seemed awfully upset about this line in particular as he confides in Shane. I feel that the entire first two seasons were a dieing Rick struggling with the conflicting moralities of protecting his family vs his duty as a cop to protect strangers. Also writing, directing and cinematography were all excellent the first two seasons, specifically in that superb S1 opener. This theory of course comes to a crashing halt in a December 2012 Vogue Magazine interview with TWD writer and creator Robert Kirkman when which TWD about the coma theory stated emphatically that the events in TWD are, "Definitely happening!" However, he followed this with a line about how all the other characters were in Rick's head. This to me sounded like so much sour grapes from a man who's master plan had been outed early, and easily. I believe Kirkman changed the core philosophy of the show between seasons 2 and 3 with a shake up of new writers and directors. Most will agree the show took on a decidedly new look and feel season 3 as it's popularity and budget grew. Which brings me to theory number two... PURGATORY THEORY - All the characters are dead - seasons 3, 4, and 5. Starting season 3 the morality challenges extended out to the general characters and the idea of the heroic sacrifice is introduced. Also the show began to emphasise heavily the I Am Legend themes which it hadn't touched on since the pilot. In I Am Legend the zombies are the new normal and it's the remnant humans who are the monsters. Deep. We are introduced to Michone which begins a slew of biblically named characters. Abraham, Noah, Gabriel... I feel at this juncture Kirkman moved Rick from his own personal purgatory into the actual biblical purgatory where those who've died but weren't good enough for heaven or bad enough for hell must ultimately prove themselves worthy for one or the other to gain entrance. We see this often on both sides. Beth, Herschel, and Lori heroically sacrificing themselves so the others could go on, and the Governors, Merles and Gareths of the world driving themselves and those around them headlong to their doom. These themes stay steady and show quality relatively high right up to a high point of Tyreese's death. Which is easily the best episode since the pilot. The I Am Legend themes are glaring in this episode which also marks the last traditional heroic in my purgatory theory as Tyreese is basically taken by the hand and walked into the next world. This also marks another change up of management of writing and directing and from this point on the show morphed slightly towards my third theory... RAPTURE THEORY - All characters are alive and experiencing the biblical apoccolypse - seasons 5, 6 and 7. It was an easy move for Kirkman to take his creation from a metaphorical purgatory to an actual one and I believe this happened after Tyreese's death. The challenges facing the characters from this point on are much more real world. Water, food, shelter, politics. The I Am Legend themes disappear, the zombie reality is a fully accepted reality and the people who've survived this far are the one most adept to do so. Moralities are still tested but in much more visceral and real ways. Characters here often have to live on with their decisions and continue contemplating their own humanity. No more easy outs. If you look up a description of the rapture in the bible it reads like a literal plot synopsis of the walking dead, and biblical names come hot and heavy seasons 6 and 7. Ezekiel, Noah, David... Jesus for Christ's sake. Now these are just thematic tones. I don't think TWD in general or any of it's individual episodes are analogies of any specific bible stories. More a modern take on biblical ideas. Perhaps this is where the show was all along. It's possible. I'm sure if you asked Robert Kirkman he'd say so. If it's where it was at all. I still posit my first theory is possible and we're all still in Rick's head. It's also entirely possible that none of these theories is true and it's what it is on the surface, a zombie show, and I'm reading way to much into it, (Likley), but hey I'm just saying what I see. P.S. DIVINE INTERVENTION THEORY - Some characters are divine - All seasons. All three theories leave open the possibility of divine intervention and I've had a nagging feeling that certain characters just may be Angel guides, and one in particular God himself, based on their actions, luck, decision making, names, appearance, and other subtle clues. MICHONE - St. Michael - archangel protector of the innocent - carries a flaming sword. Michone had been steadfastly at Rick's side since her appearance. Her advice is always very morally guiding. She's perfectly capable of solving his problems for him but rarely does. Instead she often attempts to guide Rick, and Carl sometimes, into making the right decision themselves. DARYL - ANGEL OF DEATH - Rides a horse of the apoccolypse, wears wings. As Michone is to Rick, Daryl is to Carol, and to a lesser extent the group at large. Often boldy refusing to solve their problems which everyone knows he can. He brusquely forces the group to face their own moralities and is completely unafraid to usher someone into the next world. Goodly or badly. MORGAN - GOD - Creator of all and iniator of the apoccolypse. Easily the most caring and emotionally attached character. The others very often survive directly due to Morgan ex machina. In my Morgan is God theory, in the beginning God has initiated the apoccolypse and essentially given up on his creation. Leaving the earth a battlefield for the remaining souls to duke it out and define their eternities. He decides to walk among them just so he can be with his children in their dieing moments. (Personified in Morgan's on screen son). He meets Rick, and realizes that in some small way this wasn't a fair decision for him as he wasn't technically conscious the moment God flipped the apoccolypse switch, so he helps him directly, lays down the rules for him, and gives Rick, (perhaps the personification of humanity in general), a fighting chance. God has his mind made up still about humanity in general until he bumps into Eastman. In Eastman he meets the most humanist of humans. A man who has experienced the worst, committed the worst, yet still exhibits the best. With no excuse to do so, and every excuse not to, Eastman does the right thing. He loves. He codjules Morgan back to sanity in spite of him being hell bent on destruction and death. Here the child rehabilitates the parent and God changes his mind and decides to help humanity through love, giving them a new chance.

[theculturalists]

Somethings We Can All Agree On...

Life's simple pleasures. My list of answers to the question, "Why are we here?" -Hugs -The smell after it rains -A cool, clear spring afternoon -Watching something you fixed, work -Enjoying a piece of music that speaks to your soul -Savoring a mouthful of your favorite dish - The smell of a summer BBQ -Resting your feet after a long, hard day's work -Resting your feet after a long, hard day's play -Scoring a goal -Accopmlishing a goal -Figuring something out -Curling your bare toes in soft, cool grass -Dipping your bare feet in a pond - The early morning sun warming your face -A breath of fresh air - The birth of a child -Warming yourself by a crackling fire on a snowy winter evening - The sun majestically glinting off an undisturbed blanket of snow at first light - That look your dog gives you when you get home -A smile from a pretty girl -When she gently strokes your temples using just her fingertips as you lie your head in her lap -A healthy dump

[theculturalists]

5 Lines in MIB That Will Teach You Everything You Need To Know About Humanity

1) "J- Why not tell people? They're smart. They can handle it. K- A person is smart, people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it." Lesson- humans will strive to fit in even to the point of self detriment. 2) "J- So who are you, really? K- I'm from an agency that licenses and polices alien activity on the planet. J- Whatever." Lesson- humans believe what they want even in the face of the truth. 3) "K- Anything about that seem strange to you?" Lesson- humans have difficulty seeing beyond surface events. 4) "K- There's always an Arquillian battle cruiser, or Corillian death ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe all life off this miserable little planet, and the only way these people get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT." Lesson- humans don't need or want to know how their governments work, as long as they're kept safe. 5) "K- You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed sephlopod? Jebes- He looked alright to me." Lesson- American gun control logic in a nutshell.

[theculturalists]

For the First Time in Forever...

Ten hard truths about our new president's first week in office; 10) The theory that no American elected president would ever actually want to be a king has been put to rest. 9) An Order was signed assuring millions of wanted children will almost assuredly die of preventable disease. 8) ...and millions more unwanted children will be born into war, strife, or poverty. 7) China was bestowed the crown of next great superpower. A title they don't want or deserve. 6) We will spend decades paying for the cost of a wall. 5) ...And generations paying the social repercussions. 4) After a year and a half long temper tantrum the GOP finally allowed Americans to get the full Supreme Court they are constitutionally guaranteed. 3) America is no longer looked upon as the leader in anything. 2) Kim Jong Un is no longer looked upon as the biggest joke in world leadership. 1) We won't ever have to suffer through another contentious election cycle ever again.

[theculturalists]

If I Had a Million Dollars

Top Ten sure fire ways to make a million credits in the Star Wars universe... 10) Death Star contractor. 9) Invent Light Saber tracker. 8) Imperial blaster accuracy technician. 7) Millennium Falcon AAA provider. 6) Force Lightning rod distributor. 5) Exhaust port sealer. 4) Cape dry cleaner. 3) Bottomless chasm inspector. 2) Guardrail installer. 1) Hand replacement insurance salesman.

[theculturalists]

I'm With Stupid!

Thomas Jefferson said that Democracy only works if you have an educated electorate. Donald Trump's greatest support was amongst uneducated white voters. Ergo; if you're with Trump, you're with stupid.

[theculturalists]

The Rise of the Superhero

The Superhero movie is extremely popular in America theses days. They cost millions to make and make millions at the box office. There are several released each year that all do fairly well. And there is no sign of this trend ending anytime soon. The Superhero is considered different and better than ordinary people. (Mostly by themselves). This makes them special and they can act above and outside the normal rule of law. They also usually have access to vast resources. They often don't recognize international borders and travel world wide willy nilly without papers or documentation. They peruse their own brand of personal justice serving the greater public interest whenever it aligns with their's. They're expected to be judge, jury, and executioner. Often causing great collateral damage and innocent civilian casualties. Our Superheroes are rarely prosecuted or held accountable. On the contrary they are cheered on by the masses. "Hooray for the good guys!" "Keep us safe!" "Whatever it takes!" "More, more, more!!!" And given keys to citys. Well America, you got your Superhero. And just like Rodrigo Duerte and Vladimir Putin have done for their people he has promised to keep us safe no matter what it takes. Machiavelli's prince. He's been given the keys to the kingdom. I hope we survive the epic battle to come.

[theculturalists]

The Ninety-nine People You Should Know

1. Your Doctor 2-6. Your Firemen. 7-10. Your Police. 11. Your kid's Teacher. 12. Your kid's Principal. 13. Your city Councilman. 14-17. Your state Representatives. 18-20. Your federal Representatives. 21. The president of your HOA 22. Your neighborhood watch Captain. 23-30. Your Neighbors. 30-33. Your kid's best Friends. 34-37. Their Parents. 38. Your Mechanic. 39. Your grocery store Checker. 40. Your grocery Bagger. 41. Your Butcher. 42. Your Florist. 43. Your Barber. 44. Dude at the hardware store. 45. Your gas station Attendant. 46. Your liquor store Guy. 47. Your Bartender. 48. Siri 49. Your Preacher. 50. The Guy who cooks your food. 51. The Guy who serves it to you. 52. The Guy that parks your car. 53. Your Pharmacist. 54. The OBGYN who delivered your kids. 55-58. Your kid's sports Coaches. 59. Your Tailor. 60. Your Plumber. 61. Your Electrician. 62. Your Barista. 63. Your Mayor. 64. Your Sheriff. 65. Your Milkman. 66-70. Your PTA. 71. A tire Guy. 72. A glass Guy. 73. Dude who works at the auto parts store. 74. An Accountant. 75. A Lawyer. 76. Your Banker. 77. Your bank Teller. 78. Your financial Advisor. 79. Your car Salesman. 80. Your dry Cleaner. 81-82. Your kid's scout Leaders. 83. Your Landlord. 84. Your bus Driver. 85. Your kid's bus Driver. 86. The ice cream truck Driver. 87-92. Your partner's Coworkers. 93. Your Babysitter. 94. Your Veterinarian. 95. Your Painter. 96. Your insurance Adjuster. 97. Your athletic Trainer. 98. Your Beautician. 99. Your kid's Doctor. ...At least on a first name basis. For they truly are a big part of your day to day life, and how you live it. Thusly they are a integral in defining the you you want to be. They help you be you. This is your culture. Fellow northern hemispherians, enjoy your local version of the harvest festival. Celibrate it's traditions, participate in it's rituals. Happy Martin Luther Day, -TheCulturalists.