the-lost-traveler-writes

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#16

I thought I wasn’t over you, but I think as time passes I realize I’ve been over you all along, I’m just not over the pain you put me through. And sometimes it’s hard to see the difference between these two because your love only ever came with pain. 

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#15

How do you get over the person you thought was the one for you?

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#14

We continue to go in circles and always come back around the same line. You claim you love me, you draw me in because you know I will always be there but at the end of the day you choose him and you stay with him. So why do you even bother telling me you love me. If you truly loved me, why don’t you just let me go and let me find someone who will actually choose me?

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#13

I’m so consumed with never wanting to hurt anyone, but sometimes we still do even if we don’t want to. Sometimes people hate us and sometimes we’re the bad guys in someone else’s story. In that case, all we can do is accept that, learn from it and do better.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#12

People say as time goes on it gets easier but not talking to you has only gotten harder for me. I miss you. I miss you so much. And the worst part is I know the you I miss doesn’t exist anymore. I know the relationship I miss doesn’t exist anymore. So I realize I miss our memories more than who we were right before it ended but I just miss you so much. And I wish I could get closure, I wish I could have one last talk with you where we’ll just grieve out all our differences and figure out our problems, wish each other well and move on. But I know you. And I know for you, you don’t see a point in that. You just think if we’re done, we’re done that’s it and we move on. But there’s so much I want to tell you still. So instead I’m writing this for you. I loved you. Probably more than I ever loved anyone before. And a part of me will probably always love you. You were my best friend but also so much more. You were my person for a while. I told you everything and I wanted to know everything about you. But here’s the thing, our relationship, it wasn’t always healthy. And while there was so much more good the first few years than bad, it was all worth it. I could suffer the pain because it was worth it. We were worth it. But as the time went on we fell apart, you stopped being my person, we stopped being best friends, we just weren’t as close anymore so there were less good times. At the same time the bad times kept increasing and eventually the bad just was too much for me to handle. I tried to hold on to who we used to be and who I knew you were in your heart but the pain was destroying me from the inside. So I had to choose me. I had to choose my own health and my own happiness and I stopped putting in the effort to look past the pain. Our relationship just kind of disappeared along the way. And now it’s months later and I’m still not over it, clearly. You really hurt me at times. And I know I really hurt you at times too. I don’t want us to hurt anymore. I want us to be happy and feel loved and remember the years we shared in a positive light before we completely blow it up. So I think we have to say goodbye. Maybe someday we can say hello again, I don’t know. All I know for now it’s over and that breaks my heart.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#11

I keep telling myself that I should just push every thought of you away and try to ignore them all. I tell myself to not check your profile every time I do it because I know you’re not thinking of me. You’ve moved on and you’re fine. But I’m not. And I want to be. God, I want to be fine so bad. I want to think of you as just someone I used to know. Someone who was in my life for a while but now is gone. I don’t want to miss you anymore. I just want to see you in my past and not in my present. But I can’t. So I’m going to try something new. Instead of pushing all my thoughts about you down, I’m going to start letting them in. I’m going to start feeling every single gut wrenching one. I’m going to let myself feel the heartbreak and the pain. Because there can only be so much pain over a person I haven’t talked to in months, right? Because there can only be so much heartbreak over a person I haven’t really been close to in years, right? At least that’s what I’m hoping for. That I will allow myself to feel all of this until there’s nothing left. Nothing left of you in my heart. Until there’s nothing left of us other than the memories I’ll sometimes go back to and visit to be thankful for but to also be glad I’m not there anymore. I’m holding on to that day when thinking of you doesn’t crush my heart anymore. This is my plan to get over you.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#10

I still check your social media, I know I shouldn’t but I do. I read through our old messages, there’s so many of them I’ll be reading for days. That’s how much we used to talk. I would share every single thing with you. No matter how insignificant, when something bad happened you were the first person I told. If I was excited, I wanted to share it with you. It was always you. But now there is no you anymore. We don’t talk anymore. While I know it’s for the best, it’s also breaking my heart. Because how do you go from talking to someone every single fucking day to never speaking again? My friends tell me it’ll get easier, people say it just takes time. But it’s been months, it’s only gotten harder. With every day goes by there’s less hope I’ll ever talk to you again while at the same time I’m not even sure I want to. I don’t know what I want, I just know it can’t be you.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#9

You can’t change a system that’s build on oppression and white supremacy. You have to tear it down first and then - in its place - build a new system based on equality and justice. 

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#8

June is Pride Month. The LGBTQ+ movement started with the protests and riots at the Stonewall Inn from June 28th to July 3rd, 1969. It’s been 51 years since and although we’ve come far, our rights are still not granted all around the world. Today I want to not only remember the lives we’ve lost in our community, celebrate how far we’ve come and continue the fight for equality, BUT I want to ALSO remember that our movement started out with riots too. What’s even more important though is that our movement started with trans women of color like Marsha P. Johnson who fought for our community! In 2020 black queer people are more likely to experience bias, discrimination and prejudice at all levels of society. Black trans women face the highest level of violence within the LGBTQ+ community (hrc.org). Only a few days ago Tony McDade, a trans men of color was killed by police. LGBTQ+ African Americans continue to be economically disadvantaged because of persistent discrimination, housing insecurity, a lack of quality, affordable healthcare and fewer educational opportunities (hrc.org). According to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, 38% of Black transgender people who interacted with police reported harassment; 14% reported physical assault from police and 6% reported sexual assault. With everything that’s been going on in the US this past week it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that racism and police brutality is real. And it’s not just an issue in the US, police brutality and racism are just as real in Europe! Therefore, our community needs to stand with the Black Lives Matter Movement today and every day! Educate yourself, listen and speak out against racism, sign petitions, protest if you can, donate if you can!

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#7

I’m white and try to stand up to racism. And I know I’ve failed before and I’m thankful for every time a person of color has taken the time and energy to call me out, to correct me and educate me. When black people are killed and their deaths are shared on social media I want to be aware. And I want to talk about the injustices, the hate and the racism in hopes that the racist and biased people following my social media feed will finally come to their senses but I also know that my black friends don’t need yet another reminder that they could be killed every day for no damn reason, especially by people who are supposed to protect them. Black people, don’t need the reminder, they’ve seen the hate, they know about the hate, they know what the reality is. But white people do. We are still so unaware of our privilege. There’s still so many people out there saying “Oh I didn’t realize racism was still a thing” or “Wow I can’t believe this still happens”. Because they don’t know and they need to know. What I don’t know is how to protect my black friends from the pain of being constantly reminded whenever they look at their phones. And how to make sure that white people learn and get better. We need to become better allies.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#6

Dear future girlfriend, I might be a mess sometimes but I’m always going to be there for you. I will love you with all my heart and will support you no matter what. The thing about me is that I love to travel and until now I’ve pretty much traveled alone. However, I want to take you on adventures. Travel the world, see new countries, go to concerts and festivals. Most of all I want to experience life with you. I want to take you to all my favorite places. And I hope you show me yours. I love road trips. I love blasting music in the car so loud that I can’t hear anything around me. I love dancing in the car and singing at the top of my lungs. I can’t wait to share that with you. To go places with you and on the way we’re dancing it out in the car. I can’t wait to sit on the beach with you, staring out on the horizon watching the sun go down. We’re sitting so close that every part of my side touches a part of yours. We are just sitting there taking in the beauty the world has to offer. We stay till late in the night watching the stars on the night skies, talking about our deepest fears and dreams. Sharing every small detail about our lives and everything we hope it’s going to be. When a shooting star comes by, I wish for you to be around forever. Because that’s what I want, a love strong enough to last forever. I hope that can be you, dear future girlfriend.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#5

A lot of time has passed. You’ve moved on. You feel fine. You feel okay. But somehow they’ve found a way to sneak back into your life. You’ve never been strong enough to stand up for yourself. They made you believe that choosing yourself is destroying them. They didn’t care that staying around was what destroyed you. They just wanted someone there to make them feel better about themselves. But now they’ve grown up. They claim they’re doing better and they’re choosing themselves. They’re doing exactly what they blamed you for. And somehow in all of this you never got your closure. You never got that apology you know you deserve. How many times did you apologize even though you were the one with the knife in your heart? How many times did you give them another chance when they said things would be different now, but really they never were? How many times did you have to pick yourself up from the floor after they pushed you down? You’ve been torn into a million pieces. Now it’s up to you to put them back together. Somehow you’re supposed to do exactly that without any help from others. Because who help you? Who would understand that you’re still broken up over that same person from years ago? You don’t even understand it yourself. All you got left is the hope that someday it’s going to hurt a little less.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#4

I’m happy for you. Most of the time I’m happy for me too. I think we both always knew we didn’t stand a chance but somehow we wanted to hold on to the fairytale we were living. Maybe fairytales aren’t real and that’s why we never got our happy ending. Maybe it wasn’t actually a fairytale and it’s just what we had imagined. I’m happy for you. But it hurts to see you with them. It hurts to know that you told me you loved me more than them, yet you’re now wearing their ring. Was it all a lie? Why would you have told me these things if they weren’t true? I want to be happy too. I don’t know how to be happy while having the reminder of you. While seeing you with them. I want to be happy too. But I can’t hurt you. So I stick around, hurting a lot of the time. But at least I’m happy for you.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

#3

Let yourself feel the heartbreak. Your heart will mend again. Let yourself feel the pain. It’s not forever. Let yourself feel the sadness. Happiness will come again. It’s okay to feel everything you’re going through. It seems like too much to handle but you’re strong. Sometimes it actually helps to feel the pain since it’s one step closer to healing. I know you want to be over it already. I know you want to not think about it. I know you want to deny it because it hurts too fucking much. It’s okay if you aren’t over the pain. They fucking broke you, they destroyed your heart, they brought you this pain. It’s hard to get over that. It’s even harder to mend a broken heart. It takes time. But some day you’ll be over it.  So for now let yourself feel everything you’re feeling. Let yourself cry on the bathroom floor. Let yourself listen to the saddest songs you can find because some day they’re going to be happy again. Some day you’re going to be happy again. Let yourself feel the heartbreak. 

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

# 2

Do you know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time and something in you just changes? Somehow you are drawn to this person, you don’t know them but you want to. God you want to so bad. You try to figure out every little thing about them. Who they are, who they were before this moment and who they want to become. You want to know their favorites, their favorite color, food, drink, movie, show, person, place, but you also want to know what makes them smile. What makes them cry. What makes them laugh. What makes them sob. You can’t help yourself but wonder where that scar on their arm came from and what made them decide to go into medicine. You wonder if they’ve always been this close to their parents and you wonder what makes them mad because you know that’s what you want to avoid. You wonder what they dream about in the middle of the night but also at 3pm when their friends are around and they’re having the time of their life. You wonder why they cried themselves to sleep so many nights and you want to make sure they never have to be alone through any of that. You want to be there and you hope with all you got that they will want to be there for you too.

[the-lost-traveler-writes]

# 1

It didn’t feel right. I woke up in their arms. Their naked arms. They were still naked from last night. Last night when I invited them to spend the night. Why would I do that? It’s just a casual fling you don’t want to spend the night with a casual fling, right? Who would? Yet, here I am. Almost falling off my bed ‘cause they wanted to hold me falling asleep. Thankfully it didn’t take long for them to fall asleep until I could slip away a little to at least get some space. Now I’m laying at the edge of the bed just so I won’t have to deal with the aftermath of it all. The sex was great, maybe I shouldn’t complain. Maybe I should be glad there’s someone who wants more than just a fuck buddy. But there’s nothing worse than lying in someone’s arms and feeling alone, feeling like you don’t actually belong. What was I supposed to say? Get out? Get away from me? After I just fucked them? Sure, that would’ve gone great. It’s weird because I know what it’s like to want to hold someone and be held so badly. Like you can find comfort in their arms. And they are the only place you find rest and peace. The peace you’ve been craving so much in this busy world. The world where no one truly understands you, where you don’t fit anywhere but also everywhere. Where you always feel alone but you’re never by yourself. It’s a strange place to be. So shouldn’t I be jumping at every chance to not feel so alone? You’d think so right? But they’re not that place and as much as I want to belong somewhere, belong with someone. This wasn’t the time, nor the place. I had to move on. It didn’t feel right.