okay so picture this.
You're a man named Jim Steinman. You are one of the most prolific songwriters of the 80s. In your spirit, output and essence, you are eternally popping a wheelie on a motorcycle while a hot half-naked woman clings to you and bats wheel in the sky above.
You wrote a song in which Meatloaf plays a hideously disfigured hunk who steals a nubile lady back to his crumbling manor and introduces her to the pleasures of magic lesbian group sex.
You wrote a song in which Celine Dion sings as Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, dancing with Cathy's corpse on a beach in the moonlight; a scene which you, Jim Steinman, believe should have been in the book. (The moors of Wuthering Heights are landlocked, but you, Jim Steinman, are too fucking real to care about that.)
You wrote the song for the opening scene of the movie Streets of Fire, in which evil leatherdaddy Willem Dafoe leads his malefic motorcycle crew into a concert to abduct Diane Lane while she's wearing a skintight satin jumpsuit.
You wrote a song in which Bonnie Tyler wanders a haunted boarding school as literal demon twinks gyrate at her out of the fog.
There is no peak of goth camp that you, Jim Steinman, have not summited, no horny energy you have not tapped. They say that Alexander the Great wept when he saw there were no more worlds to conquer. But you, Jim Steinman, are not Alexander the Great. You, Jim Steinman, are better. You, Jim Steinman, have vision.
You take your most successful song, the song everyone knows, the most big-haired, white dress, gothic arches, doves flying, possessed choir boys chanting, bombastic song you have, and think: what if this, but with vampires.
And so you change the lyrics to be about death and infinity and a powerful bloodsucking lord seducing a girl who is ALL ABOUT IT, and then toss off a whole musical for this song to be the centerpiece to, and the musical is bad but it's also a weird hit that's been staged in fourteen countries and revived seven times, because nothing has ever whipped as campily, as ridiculously, as perfectly as this:
It never takes off in America. A prophet is without honor in his own land. But that doesn't matter. How could it matter? You are perhaps the most creatively self-actualized man who has ever lived. Look at that vampire. He's coming in hot and a hundred Venetian nuns gave their lives to make his ludicrously capacious lace sleeves. Look at that girl. She was born in a fog machine. She wore her best red velvet cape. She's down bad. She's singing Total Eclipse of the Heart the whole time.
You are Jim Steinman, and you have reached apotheosis.
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broken up? no, engagement! | max verstappen
pairing: max verstappen x actress!reader
summary: y/n l/n has a weird way of announcing hers and max’s engagement.
notes: pls pls pls send in request!! i finally have free time but no inspiration:(
liked by, danielricciardo, charles_leclerc, and 602,927 others!
yourusername: i no longer have a boyfriend.
view comments below!
user1: wait what
user2: i’m sorry ???
user3: DID YOU AND MAX BREAK UP???
user4: no no no
user5: this CANNOT mean what i think it does
user6: you’re kidding me right
charles_leclerc: please answer my messages!
user8: no way
user9: THE CAPTION???
danielricciardo: ?
danielricciardo: answer my messages please
landonorris: mine too?
user10: does anyone know what is going on?
user11: so you’re available now 😏
user12: you were too pretty for max anyways 🙄
landonorris: um what’s going on?
user13: lando just being as lost is so ??
user14: wait but why would she and max break up
user15: i’m so…confused?
user16: MAX ISNT IN THE LIKES ??? OMG NOOO
— f1gossip has posted new pictures!
f1gossip: y/n l/n was seen cozying up with cast mate, Luke Newton amidst breakup rumors between her and max verstappen. thoughts?
view comments below!
user17: “cozying up” and it’s her taking a picture of him ??? 🙄
user18: admin is acting like they were making out in front of everyone…
user19: oh!
user20: users on twitter were saying max was THERE with them so ??
user21: she moves on fast!
user22: this sounds wrong…
user23: we literally know NOTHING about hers and max’s relationship or WHY they broke up. let’s not assume.
user24: my heart just broke
user25: okay but her and luke are kinda cute together? no? just me?
user26: HER AND MAX WERE CUTERRR
user27: i’ll start foaming at the mouth if y/n l/n doesn’t come out and say her caption was just a joke.
user28: HER AND MAX WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIEDDDD!!!!!😓😓😓
user29: i can’t do this rn. i just can’t.
liked by yourusername, danielricciardo, landonorris, charles_leclerc, and 962,028 others!
maxverstappen1: I understand that, without my agreement, my lovely finance has put out a instagram post this morning indicating that we have broken up. This is wrong, we have not broken up. We got engaged. We are to be wed.
view comments below!
yourusername: i thought they would understand what i meant 😞
user30: GIRL ALL YOU SAID WAS YOU NO LONGER HAD A BF ???
user31: you did NOT phrase your words correctly
user32: gave me heart attack and for what 😐
user33: don’t play with me like that ever again.
danielricciardo: i love you @/yourusername, but please do not play with my heart like that again.
danielricciardo: BUT YAY!!!! WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!
user34: OMG ???
user35: I KNEW IT !!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!
user36: AHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHH
user37: oh thank GOD
user38: pls don’t ever scare me like that again 💗
landonorris: OMG OMG OMG OMG ???!??!??
landonorris: AND YOU LOT DIDNT TELL ME ?!?!?
landonorris: YNSTAPPEN WEDDING!! AHHHH
user39: congratulations!!!
f1: about time you proposed 😒
maxverstappen1: ?
redbullracing: so excited for the red bull themed wedding!! ☺️
yourusername: yeah that won’t be happening
redbullracing: i understand.
user40: i’m crying ??
user41: does this mean i don’t have a chance with y/n anymore ?? ☹️
user42: THAT SHOULDVE BEEN MEE
charles_leclerc: congratulations too you both 💗
maxverstappen1: thank you charles 💙💙
user43: omg just ask him to be your best man already 🙄🙄
oscarpiastri: it is an honor to have my tweet used as your engagement announcement 🧡🧡
yourusername: max couldn’t resist 😒
user44: i just know this wedding is going to be GORGEOUS
georgerussell63: congrats too you both! ❤️
yourusername: you’ll sing at the wedding right?
georgerussell63: duh 🙄
yourusername: perfect!
lewishamilton: so excited 💗💗
yukitsunoda0511: can i cook?
yourusername; of course you can yuki!!
user45: i’m so excited and it’s NOT EVEN MY WEDDING ??
schecoperez: did you tell her how you were shitting yourself with nerves this entire week?
maxverstappen1: no 😒
yourusername: aw max 🥹🥹
liked by, maxverstappen1, georgerussell63, oscarpiastri, and 1,238,028 others!
yourusername; i got married today. it was cool. 10/10 would do again!
view comments below!
user46: was the wedding 10/10 or was the groom 10/10??
yourusername: both!
user45: OMG ITS HAPPENED ???
user46: so happy for you both 🥹
maxverstappen1: 💙💙
georgerussell63: i personally think my singing brought everything together…
yourusername: it really did george, it really did
charles_leclerc: so incredibly happy for you both ❤️
user47: we all saw the video of you sobbing during the ceremony charles…
user48: to be fair, EVERYONE was sobbing
user49; their vows even made ME cry
landonorris: amazing wedding, 10/10 would attend again!
yourusername: thank you little lando 🧡🧡
oscarpiastri: i would like to request the video of my dancing to be scrubbed off of the internet.
maxverstappen1: no chance mate 😂
yourusername: it’s okay oscar, i thought your dancing was adorable!!
lewishamilton: me and roscoe had the times of our lives ❤️❤️
user50: ROSCOE WENT TO THE WEDDING ?? 😭
user51: not only roscoe, but alex and TWO of his cats 😭😭
liked by, yourusername, danielricciardo, yukitsunoda0511, shecoperez, and 1,629,028 others!
maxverstappen1: i married my bestfriend today. it was amazing. 10/10 would do again!
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user52: he’s officially off the market ladies 😒
user53: he’s been off the market for 4 years ???
user54: if my man doesn’t love me as much as max loves y/n i don’t WANT HIM
user55: ever since y/ns “i no longer have a bf” post i’ve been thanking the gods that this is how it turned out
danielricciardo: bestfriend? wow, you get married and suddenly you forget who raised you.
maxverstappen1: y/n is my bestfriend. she always will be.
danielricciardo: JUST RUB IT IN THEN.
user56: omg her dress 😍😍
user57; them >>
user58: did you guys see that they BOTH took each others last name ??
user59: wait really ?
user58: yeah 🥹 it’s y/n l/n-verstappen and max verstappen-l/n
user60: that is the cutest thing ever
user61: the matching captions 😞😞
user62: remember last year when y/n made everyone believe they broke up ??
user63: thank GOD that wasn’t true
yourusername: i love you mr l/n
maxverstappen1: i love you more mrs verstappen
user64: WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN
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in the future, Braiding Sweetgrass will be assigned to all students to read in school, and mostly they will hate it, because it seems to them like poorly structured rambling about nature and vignettes from the author's life. Soooooooo boring!
We will struggle to explain to them: no, no, this book was actually completely revolutionary for its time. When Kimmerer talks about the honorable harvest, learning to listen to the teachings of the plants, understanding nature as animate and alive, and the relationship of reciprocity and mutual dependence between humans and other life forms, these are ideas that were genuinely new and mind-blowing to us when we were young.
It wasn't just those in power that saw nature as "Resources" or some kind of mechanical system that would be better off without human interference—almost no one else knew another way to think. Yes, yes, we knew about symbiosis, but we hardly ever applied it to ourselves. Kimmerer is serious when she says her cultural perspective was almost wiped out; the culture we inherited as children literally didn't have the concepts she is talking about, and that's why the book was so important!
We will tell the students that it would have been weird even among "environmentalists" of the time to think of trees and insects as your family. I mean, well, yes, we knew that everything was related, but we thought Charles Darwin was the first to come up with that. You don't understand, we will say, most of these ideas about living in right relationship with nature would have been thought of as extra-scientific, sentimental or spiritual crap.
"Did you just not know where food and clothes came from?" they will ask, with eyebrows raised. Yes, but back then, food was mostly grown in enormous fields of only one crop where everything else had been killed with chemicals. We didn't really think of agricultural environments as "ecosystems"—"nature" was a separate thing—I mean yeah, we harvested logs from forests, but that was different. No, we basically thought Earth was divided into "human uses" and "nature," and that people shouldn't be in the "nature" parts. No, really!
The students will be fascinated and ask things like "But what about parks?" "Would a hay field be nature or human uses?" "How about pollinator gardens?" "What about the ocean?" and we will try to explain to them that we really just didn't think that hard about it
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