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going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:
There is never a satisfying answer to āWhy didnāt they love me?ā
like wow babe. good fucking point
#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point#not a shitpost#cptsd#and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer#the truth is i know why i wasn't loved#i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings#i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing#i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance#the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it#i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer#and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!!#because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that!#it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs!#so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't.#when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to#you can look for answers and reasons and explanations#but that's not actually going to FIX your situation.#and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job)#because you don't need answers--you need a new situation#*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*#and yes. walking out isn't always possible.#but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.#stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air#new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust#like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be#when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole
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Burning Rotten Bridges
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mianmian#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting#but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.
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Angela Orosco Silent Hill 2
#in anticipation of the incoming remake#i tried my best to imitate the SH font but#silent hill#silent hill 2#angela#angela orosco#theme of laura (reprise)#i've said it before but in spite of its occasionally clunky diction i think silent hill 2 is an unusually emotionally intelligent game#for any year and still today but especially so for where gaming storytelling was in 2001#and for as many pitfalls a story like hers could've dipped into i think it particularly shines through with how they treated angela#not just choosing to depict victimhood as something that can be ugly and fractious and open quote ādifficultā but then this#actively rebuffing james for trying to be a white knight and dressing him down for it too#āi know you mean well and want to help but this isn't a simple problem"#āand it's really hurtful and a bit insulting that you act like you canā#the switching to a first person view turning it into an address to the player as well#maybe even old videogame tropes too#āthis isn't some princess in a castle kind of situation dude this is more serious than thatā#it felt like a very deliberate statement about the depth and severity of a trauma like this#and in doing so showing it so much respect#there is no quick easy solution to this and you won't get one#then angela just leaves#and you never see her again#i really don't think it was to imply that it consumed her i think it was to underline what was just said#this isn't your problem to fix#this is where your part in this story ends#there's some strength in that
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ultimately when it comes to shipping and fandom space treatment of aspec characters i just don't accept "aro/ace people can still date/have sex" as an answer from nonaspecs. like yeah. mhm. okay. now i think we both know that you're not saying that out of real interest in the diversity of aspec experiences. so you can turn in your seventeen-page essay on why and how you plan to examine this character's aspec identity within the context of a romantic or sexual relationship complete with evidence from canon and peer reviews from multiple aspec people within the next week or i'm putting you in the pit from the edgar allen poe story
#you know. the one with the pendulum#'hey. why are you as an allo person shipping this aspec character like this'#'oh aspec people can still date/have sex!'#'yeah. now can you answer the question that i actually asked you'#like goddamn just say you don't care they're aspec and you want to fulfill a sexual/romantic fantasy with them. that's Fine#it like. sucks. for sure. lotta aspec people will be unhappy with you. but everyone is entitled to their own wants and experiences.#but i'd prefer you just be honest with it rather than using our community's conversation points as retroactive justification#and ONCE AGAIN. you guys are real fucking cavalier with this shit and it shows a real fundamental lack of respect for aspecs#when most of you would NEVER ship a canonically gay character with the 'other' gender. cause again. it would suck.#you can do it. nobody's Stopping you. but it would suck.#and we understand that putting a queer character in situations that erase that queerness is shitty! until it comes to aspec characters!#and whoa... there it is again... people don't consider aspec identities to be queer... crazy how it always comes back to that#anyway. you all know what i'm talking about. have seen many posts about this lately#it is [ long sigh ] unfortunately a very hot button issue with the advent lately of alastor hazbinhotel#which. again. god i wish there were other canon aspec characters to be having this conversation about.#but we'll have to do our best with what we have#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#aroace#talking#aspec#asexual#asexuality
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The New York Times is a fucking joke of a paper. Recently I literally cannot look at a headline without feeling utterly hopeless at the state of the worldā¦ because of the state of journalism. Itās honestly heinous, and quite frankly terrifying.
āIsraeli Rabbi who Disappeared is Found Deadā
No. Try, āRabbi was KIDNAPPED and MURDERED in the UAE by TERRORISTS.ā
Itās genuinely not controversial to tell the truth. He did not ādisappearā ā he was kidnapped. By terrorists. He was not āfound deadā ā he was fucking murdered for being a Jew. Call it like it is or donāt call it at all.
Genuinely insane and disgusting that the nyt can claim to have journalistic integrity after this past year. When it comes to anything Jewish or Israeli, this isnāt an outlier of a headline; itās the fucking rule.
#may his memory be a blessing#idk why this is what sent me over the edge#but iām fucking over it#how can you call yourself a reporter if you REFUSE to actually report??????#itās genuinely mind boggling#fuck the nyt#jumblr#jewish#antisemitism#nyt#itās always misleading or straight up falsifying the situation when it comes to jews#and if you arenāt jewish you would never know#thatās the scary part#and people wonder why everyone thinks antisemitism is just anti zionism#because itās like this.#subtle#not outright hate speech#but contributing to bias in an academically and socially acceptable way
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older designs for my specialest guy
#you actually could pay me to watch boruto the payment is reviving any of madara-obito-itachi in a cheap fan service moment. itd work on me š#neji hyuga#hyuga neji#art#fanart#naruto#2024#i think konoha would love to project the will of fire shit onto neji after what he did. ya know. trying to give your life 'for the village'#in that way hed probs have a lot of respect from others but respect has never been enough when your life still isnt yours š#the pessimism would likely take a bit to return to him but it Would return hes just like. less interpersonally volatile#the realization you had two whole very public meltdowns and no one that matters cared will do that to you#anywayfor the happy ending one. i think while neji is always going to be a little bit bitchy hes bound to soften up a lot when he's not#under constant stress and has to micromanage his every thought#i like to think that if he were allowed to hed grow into a very outwardly warm person. sunflower :)#and my general opinions of neji and boruto are:#1. yes it is a blessing to not be made to be straight married#2. however consider: what if i wanted to see neji be a dad. i dont care for romantic njten but i do not hate it. it would be acceptable#when i think abt this guy in boruto hes chronically single but still.talking about what CANON could be. it would be acceptable#3. yes hiashi shouldve gotten his ass killed in the war but i would be lying if i said the awful family reunions#are not fun as a concept#are they fun on purpose? no#but the rule is: A situation can suck if it sucks on purpose#and 4. i know about the time travel episode i have mixed feelings on it.#anyway no hate if you like boruto i like being hyperbolic for fun but its just anime. the kids seem cute#but if any other hyuga-brained person ever wants to get unimaginably angry you should also watch the hiashi birthday episode of boruto#thats my special recommendation from me to you
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sylvia plath, todd anderson and virginia woolf (aka ACTUAL tortured poets) watching taylor āim breaking up with my boyfriend for his intense depression and blaming it on him, im dating a racist who enjoys watching woc being brutalized and harasses young woc artists, i sent my fans out on a hate train to attack a young woc actress for a line she had to say as part of her job to show how mentally ill her character was, im dating a maga supporter, i refuse to say anything about a current genocide despite being the most influential person in the world right now, i am a billionaire, i fly 13 minute flights and have the highest carbon emission of any celebrity, i am a known white feminist who only speaks about issues when it affects me and has constantly let my fans get away with extreme racism and even encouraged it by associating myself with known racistsā swift call herself a tortured poet (her writing sounds like a bunch of thesaurus words slapped over gabba hanna and rupi kaur-esque poetry that was created purely as a trinket for an edgy pinterest board)
#anti taylor swift#like she can be problematic thatās okay#there are SO many problematic artists i like#but sheās not even that good#like read sylvia plath or virginia woolf or listen to LDR or fiona apple or mitski or lorde or boygenius or olivia rodrigo#aka her peers#and realise how much better they are#they truly write art because they have a compassion and rawness for it#whereas taytay only writes to get more money LOL#sheās so extremely privileged that her life is not at all relatable and now she tries to make it so#by romanticizing the most mundane#thats never been your brand babe now itās going to sound like dogshit#GUTS by olivia rodrigo is better because it has such an intensity to it. liv means what she says and you can feel it!#fiona apple means what she says when she writes about begging her lover to love her back!#mitski means what she says when she writes that she is self destructive and puts herself in bad situations since thatās all she knows!#lana means what she says when she writes about her suicide attempt at 15 because of constant abuse from her mother and crippling depression#all of it such haunting and beautiful works because it truly comes from the soul and isnāt a cash grab#Anyway iām so sorry virginia and sylvia and todd#todd anderson#AND JOE ALWYN#joe alwyn my favourite man ever#joe alwyn#dead poets society#anderperry#sylvia plath#virginia woolf#the bell jar#lana del rey#fiona apple#mitski
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I can only take so much, but lately, they have replaced my reflection. And realize I'm just as bad as them.
#messyr#doodle#vent art#idk what im feeling but im just really tired- pessimistic and agitated lately#overthinking stuff about growth as a person LMAO. Envy that builds inferiority then dissolves into insecurity ew#ive yet to accept the truth that it will never get better- so i can only be there for others until i watch them go.#And I walk back to the same cage where I grew- bc the cage is all I know. I'd watch from afar and wait- wait for what? Idk#Genuinely happy and proud to those who worked hard for that success-- an ugly thought whispers to me thinking why cant I have the same#well- people w the same situations as me- knows how unfair life is so we work twice as hard. but sometimes... It's-- not enough.#And to an unfortunate fate- it'll never be enough. and it feels as if you amount to nothing.#I've been stuck for so long- I'm convinced enough that I cannot be helped. Still I cling onto the tiniest spark of hope.#bpd#abuse mention
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I don't think any of the post crash Curly conversations have anything Curly would actually say after this point in time. They are not Curly nor his current sentiments
Not even the "I want to go home." Curly can't say what he wants or not. It's all Jimmy's perception of what Curly's desires were and are and Jimmy's himself. It's Jimmy entering the same but warped stagnating headspace Curly was stuck in at the beginning of the game.
An oppressive bright space with all the dead ends and burnouts you could foresee paired with a dark empty void of things that spark but are never quite as bright?
#they are foils ur honor! but anyway i think we forget that those Curly's aren't some like real look into his mind but Jimmy replaying those#last good conversations and trying to force himself they were said in reassurence a full certainty he knew curly couldn't or would never#give him in the situation we can never really know what any other character is thinkin g and only Curly to an extent. We dont get as nearly#as many flashes into his mind and psych because we play and are in the head of Jimmy like the distortion scene in the medical area is liter#literally showing you how unreliable jimmy is or unstable as he blocks out things he doesn't want to see. why would you believe his convos#with dream curly are speaking for curly in reality?#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#jimmy mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#captain curly
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Actually so tired that people mainly focus on the bdsm when they talk about La Pianiste when we literally have this dynamic right here. Like, that's insane.
What if you were a little girl in her 40's who couldn't grow up because of your mother-wife who made you sleep in her bed and forced you to repress every sexual desires and thoughts of becoming your own person just to keep you close to her ? What if you fought back and yearned for dangerous things out of her reach ? But also, what if you let her because it's all you've ever known and been taught to want ?
#these two are so entangled with each other and in the roles they play#(mother and daughter. husband and wife. prodigal or ungrateful daughter. adoring or mocking mother)#that they cannot handle it when something else is thrown into the mix#There's no space left because they fill all the roles in each other's lives.#but at the same time they never give the other exactly what she wants#The fights never last. Erika will never live up to her mother's ambitions. And her mother will never give her any form of affection which#might satiate her hunger for love. And so on.#They are deeply imperfect- Love and Despise each other but they could never bear the thought of being separated#When I read the part in the book where Erika talks to Walter for the first time and all she wants is to go back into her mother's womb...#you can't make that shi up#when people talk about toxic yuri that's what they could mean but unfortunately we live in a society#gradually learning to accept the person I'm becoming who would've been burned at the stake by my younger self <3#been having so much thoughts about this film once again. And I know that nothing written here is new but I'm a little sad no one really#talks about this relationship online since it's really the heart of the story for me#Of course everything happening with Walter is important. But none of that would be there without the mother-daughter situation#la pianiste#the piano teacher#haneke#sheep stuffs#isabelle huppert#also I'd kinda get it if it was another film and it made people too uncomfortable to talk about it. but I mean this is literally La Pianist
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make teleshopping great again āŖ
#zu art#killer!sans#cross!sans#error!sans#undertale#undertale au#utmv#don't ask an artist 'why'.... ask 'did you have fun' cause the answer is yes XD#I drew this late at night in a hurry and in the hope of freeing my head from this idea so to never return to it again#but after long battles with my brain it was decided that the game is worth the candle so here it is :)#after all what's so bad about boys advertising home appliances? <3#pure art. nothing wrong āŖ#if you know you know#suggestive tw#cause it's too hot (outside) Īµ-(Ā“āļ½; )#pff āI like how Killer and Cross both fit perfectly into the situation and Error just: 'Wh. What are you looking at?? Leave me alone' xp
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Vanha Kauppahalli date: en full, a 2 minute 50 second masterpiece...
Primetime Panthers | 11.6.24 (x)
#aleksander barkov#matthew tkachuk#florida panthers#2425#the global series is a gift#āalright talk to me what do we got?ā with the camera following behind them makes it seems like theyre spies doing reconnaissance#the start to a thriller where they got sent to finland stake out for intelligence#maffhew not even waiting for sasha to answer before hes asks about chocolate#āthe purple one you always bringā maffhew has been charmed by sashas leaving choco in stalls as gifts when he comes back from finland huh#you can tell he says that with depravity of a man who finally realises he doesnt need to rely on his supplier he can get it himself now#āuh oh [laughs] okay... what is this?ā maffhew was not prepared for all the food to already be ready for him he just hopped off a plane and#expected to have to wait more and did not and absolutely does not trust the situation in the same way you get romantic candlelit-dinnered#and youre like alright whats all this then whats your angle what are you doing#āthis is salmon and rye bread šā ā(with the eagerness to prove hes smart and engaged) so is that šā ā(charmed) and so is that š«±ā#āill try your favourite firstā GURL RELAX OKAY SETTLE DOWN YOURE IN A NEW COUNTRY JUST CHILL MAN#āsalmon and rye breadāthats the famous one š¤ā [sasha nodding along because he has to reassure maffhew but also hes in the middle of eating]#maffhew choosing the most inopportune time and you can TELL sasha is like [swallows quickly] because he wants to answer but also BIG BITE#āherringā āherrin' š¤ ?ā āeating all this her-RINGā no notes#āis this just another salmon on rye breadā he says with hope because he likes salmon but also disappointment (he wants to try more foods)#ādifferent salmon? smoked?ā the amount of questions hes askijg because hes so terribly engaged he wants to know and sashas like [shrug]#he has to get an A+ in experiencing finland which is normal to want and possible to achieve#āi still love your country thoughā and sasha explodes into the mirthful grin ive seen in my life like he just won the damn jackpot#he speaks at 100 mph like please take a deep breath sweetheart youre excitement is papable but PLEASE#THE WAY HE GETS SO UNSURE WHEN HE MENTIONS BARKY HATES THAT FOOD WHEN HE LIKED IT SO MUCH#MAFFHEW YOU CAN GET A PASSING GRADE IN EXPERIENCING FINLAND IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS I PROMISE#SASHA HELP A GUY OUT HERE MAN THROW HIM A BONE#SASHA ONLY LAUGHS AS MAFFHEW THROWS HIMSELF INTO A TIZZY OVER THIS YOU ARE SOOOOOO#the chuckle when sasha mentions he had runebergin torttu in school... id like to know what was funny there#we call out sasha for being too lovesick and laughing at all of maffhews ājokesā BUT HES JUST AS BAD???#āwhat the hell do i do with this thing?ā MAFFHEW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN MERENGUE IN YOUR LIFE???
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He is at his limit.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#LWJ's breakdown has been a long time coming and I love how he breaks down. It is a torrent of emotions he can't hold back anymore#He bites! He cries! He throws a tantrum!#We know from bonus content that he was a biter when he was younger but that's exactly the point. It is a childish behaviour.#LWJ has been help up to the highest expectations to be mature and beyond any childishness.#He is selfless - cold and composed to the outside observer.#It is a false ideal to live by to be disconnected from everyone. You can't be a person if you are perfect.#But by god he was never perfect to begin with. He has a terrible temper and is awkward in social situations.#He's overly righteous and rigid - And so on and so on. Both him and WWX know each other for their flaws first.#And it is not about how other aspects 'make up for it'. It's about seeing someone's worst traits and going 'I can tolerate that.'#You can't ask someone to love the worst parts of yourself. But you can show them and have them be tolerated.#MXTX did not write SVSSS and MDZS's main couples to be about seeing the worst parts of someone and still choosing them-#only for readers to miss the point of what that really means!
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Good morning šš¼
I want to thank everyone their support with reblogging my stuff over the years and reblogging some of the context of the situation.
Tumblr and Instagram is filled with the most supportive people Iāve ever had the chance of meeting. The last time something like this happened, I didnāt have much support, not even from people I thought were close to me. It took me a year or two to be okay with being perceived again in fandoms. So Iām very grateful for everything.
I just wanted to post that I appreciate all of the asks and Iāve been reading all of them. I actually get anxious Iām spamming everyone too much so I probably wonāt reply to everything. Please donāt feel pressured to support me financially, thereās is a free option on patreon to follow. Iāll post future project plans and occasional updates because I still love comics and I still love DC/Marvel. I do enjoy having people following along for my art/reading journey so I would always be okay with people just following for free. My brain is telling me this post is too long now so I will go šš¼š
#my brain to me: what in the retired YouTuber ass type post.. (screams) ok#I just received a lot of anons about the situation and I wanted to clarify itās okay!!#I know the usd conversion rate is crazyā¦ so Iāll try to wrangle my head to post some stuff publicly. I had a friend who supported me from#brazil.. I was like what! ily but if itās breaking bank please donāt do it!!!#I also didnāt want people sending me asks thinking I didnāt read it.. listen Iāve been a fandom lurker for a while. yes I do get sad when#people donāt reply to my asksā¦ because Iām like I want to know your answer so bad#sorry Iām not doing a very good job replying š Iāve actually never had a fandom blog of this level#Iāve never gotten more than 5 asks over the 3+ years of tumblr usage..#Iām also an ultra perfectionist where Iāll reread what I wrote 2ā5 times before posting. yeah itās a bit crazy! if you send me a list of#recommended comics before I will probably read every single one and then reply 7+ months laterā¦#ššš#let me not ramble more šš¼#going to go get breakfast
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DAY 75: onehat
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#siffrin isat#isat act 6 spoilers#twohat spoilers#isat spoilers#yea im tagging the onehat post twohat spoilers. watch me#..do we know what time of day it is when siffrin goes to the favor tree?#i always imagined the evening for some reason.#um so anyways. hey do you guys ever think about onehat. do you think about it#do you ever think about how siffrin never learning about loop and never getting closure with them#is just as valid of an ending as twohats. you dont have to get twohats. loop getting some catharsis isnt necessary to siffrin's narrative.#they asked to be here. they were here to help siffrin. and they did. and it ended#that's it.#i've always wondered if loop saw siffrin perform the ritual for them#i wonder if it would comfort them or not. if you ask them if they're a ghost they say yes (and no) after all#the tree is their grave.#something something from main character to stage director to sponsor to corpse#and with how arcane the prereqs for twohats are. yes you can get them naturally on a first playthrough but it's definitely not the majority#experience especially playing blind.#to give loop an ending you have to reach back in with both hands and grasp at that connection#i dont rlly know how to articulate it but it makes me feel a kind of way tbh. you only learn the prereqs (w/o guidance) by talking to loop#very frequently and paying attention to the hints they drop to you about the coin. labor of love situation#self love. siffrin reaching back for loop. We Are Getting Out Together Bitch#Is this anything i dont know that it is#idk onehat fascinates me a lot and im not even gonna touch on the onehats playthroughs where u actually do get the prereqs#i think there is a slight tendency among some fans tocharacterize loop as. more vindictive than they are? i guess?#it's easy to stare down loop's big twohats breakdown and see them bare their fangs and look into their anger#but loop's willingness to fade into nothing and leave siffrin alone shouldnt be forgotten i dont think
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oh there's the cannibalism
#right well i mean if its the ONLY food you can eat#what am i saying#this is a nightmare situation#i know they'll survive cause gay bitches never die#but god damn#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent spoilers
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