#i dont rlly know how to articulate it but it makes me feel a kind of way tbh. you only learn the prereqs (w/o guidance) by talking to loop

[dailyloopdeloop]

DAY 75: onehat

[activesplooger]

Progress Update on some WIPS! + teasers! :) | Doe!Reader x Alastor SMUT | Help Me: Part 3 Vox x Assistant!Reader | His New Obsession: Reader x Yandere!Vox

a few days ago i posted a screenshot of some WIPS, and i thought I’d give a progress update! + teasers! i promise im working on everything guys i just want everything to be quality :) ive also been quite busy so, yeah!

Doe!Reader x Alastor SMUT 1/2 DONE

About halfway done! Maybe a lil less than halfway? So far I’ve gotten a lot of the exposition out of the way and im starting to get onto the dirty little smutty part ;) its taking awhile bc ive been busy ALSOO smut is hard asf to write and writing deer themed smut is even harder! lmao guys the amount of deer mating season research ive done is crazy im definitely on some type of watch list now bc of my weird search history lol. I’ve gotten a lot done though! Should be out soon, I’ll let you guys know when itll be out when I get more of it done! A teaser is on my page if u wanna see it!

Help Me: Part 3 Vox x Assistant!Reader

i dont rlly have an exact fraction amount for how much is done lol. i promise i didnt forget about it guys 🙏 i have the whole story pretty much planned out! all the scenes and stuff i want to include (+ the ending duh) are all written down! perchance ill do a bigger teaser tmrw idk sometime this wknd maybeee. I have all the scenes planned out and ik how the whole story is gonna go i just have to articulate it into words and spice it up! :) stay tuned!!

teaser!:

“The Vee's empire grew exponentially and are now the three top overlords in hell. You still worked for Vox, however, your job description changed over the next few years. A lot changed over the next few years…. You went from being introduced as “This is Y/N, my friend and assistant!” to “This is an employee of mine, she won’t be a bother.”.”

this whole paragraph is subject to change, i wouldve done a bigger teaser but im just so unsure about the other paragraphs i might literally delete it all and redo them and i dont wanna edge u guys like that lol.

His New Obsession: Reader x Yandere!Vox

OK THIS ONES SO RANDOM BUT LEMME COOK LMAO. this one has SO MUCH BUT ITS NOT EVEN CLOSE LOL. its gonna be like pretty smutty i think like toxic sweater electrocute my fukin pussy type smut. its gonna be a big one bc im trying not to make it into different parts but that might change. its gonna be a fat minute till it comes out im just chipping away at it every once in awhile 4 fun! :))

teaser!:

“Yes, dear,” Vox gestures to Papermint standing idly in a corner, “This one over here will also be my assistant. You’ll handle the more personal needs of mine while Papermint handles more business related needs.”

“I see…”

Vox, completely entranced by you, puts your resume down and extends a hand out to you across the desk, “Well, that’s all I really need! Congratulations! You got the job!”. Winning sound effects could be heard from Vox’s speakers as he congratulates you.

“Oh! I-Is that it..? No questions..?”

“Nope, I’ve seen enough- Actually, what size are you?”

“Uh… Why?”

“For your uniform, of course!”

(this is also subject to change btw! im slowly doing it its just kind of a fun lil random thing i like to do when i need a break or just feel like it)

—

stay tuned folks! if u wanna be tagged for any of these lmk in the replies!

[colorfullyminded]

PLSS TELL ME UR STILL DOING KISS THE COOKK!! its almost gunna b a year since ep 6 and i rlly need to know if the other 14 in the works. (take ur well deserved break u dont need to be making fics 24/7)

Oh wow, I wasn't sure if people still wanted that. To be honest, we actually have written up to chapter 8 (9 technically because there's an 8.5). All I really need to do is finish editing them before posting them. The reason I've been so hesitant is also my feelings towards the fic. I both love the fic and also feel incredibly self conscious with some of the decisions I chose in the fic (especially later chapters--some of which haven't been posted yet). I love writing smut, and I do think Wirt deserves to be written more unhinged than people allow him to be (he's a poet for godsake, if he can be so despondently dramatic laying on a couch-- you know his yearnings are just as fantastical, dramatic, and probably hella thirsty. And let's not mention Dipper's search history). I love writing these two because they're so multifaceted and I love trying different perspectives of their personality. Also writing with my friend Clubs has been amazing and I genuinely enjoyed his help with this fic! I want to continue this series when I'm more motivated to write. But again, for how much I love this fic, there are moments where I go back and read and blush and go "I'm sorry, I made Wirt say what? I made him do what?! IS THIS HOW HE WOULD ACT?! THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT? WHATTHE FUCK WAS I ON TO THINK THIS WAS OKAY?!" (I'm in charge of Wirt's dialogue/actions in this story, Clubs does Dipper, and occasionally, though very rarely, we may also add something to the other's characterization). There are times I worry I've made him ooc. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that. I was having fun, I'm enjoying my extra smutty era (where all I wanna write is to be a problem) and honestly if I wanted to explain my reasonings I probably could make an accurate presentation on why Kiss the Cook is not that out of character. But I also do pride myself on my fics and a lot of comments I've received are about how well and real the characters feel. I feel so good that I'm able to articulate and present them in a way that feels genuine and makes the readers feel like it's just another adventure-- but with the two. I like bringing that feeling into my writing. And Kiss the cook, some elements do feel very much like the characters (Clubs does amazing with an older Dipper), but I do start to doubt some of Wirt's actions or my writing in this particular fic as being too "Horny on Main". So it's kind of a love/hate relationship I currently have with this piece of work. But if people do still love this fic and want to continue this adventure, maybe I should go back and get these chapters prepped for posting? Despite my fears, everyone who has commented on KTC have been very supportive and encouraging and sweet. So this whole anxiety and self doubt is probably just in my head. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I do have other smut WIPS that tackle different layers and so I can always finish those up if I need to take a break from the wildness of KTC. So to answer your question, yes, we do have more in store, and maybe it's time I show you what we've cooked up (no matter how embarrassed I make the reader...or myself)

[fairycosmos]

i rlly relate to the constantly grateful and suicidal part. like ik for me personally grief is a huge part of it. i had an amazing day wednesday and even now sitting in the afterglow i'm almost mad that i'm experiencing it? because something just feels "off" without someone i love here. and i'm mad that the world has the audacity to be wonderful - still - while missing someone so vital to it. idk you aren't alone. you aren't alone

yeah i totally understand this! i think a lot of the time when i experience anything even vaguely positive or peaceful these days im just wishing she was here to see it and i find it all so incredibly unfair and like. wish she had more of a chance to enjoy beautiful things and sights and feelings and there's all this weird guilt and pain and it's also just like. i know objectively i couldve been born into much worse circumstances - homelessness, deep poverty etc - and everyone says oh dont compare your pain to others but i really am glad to have a roof and food and and whenever im in the deep pits of despair i just feel like how can i feel so fucking painfully bad when i have the basics i have more than most ppl in history ever had in terms of comfort and convenience and still everything feels wrong and off and just heavy. i think a lot of it is grief, youre right. so many different versions of it but esp the grief for my sister just tainting everything. im so so sorry youre feeling it too and thank you for being kind and for making me feel understood. it's a complex and confusing emotion that i cant ever even articulate right so it can feel isolating. sending a big hug. x

[carnalhaus]

Do you think we could have a mini anatomy tut at some point? Something about the way you draw bodies is so pleasing to look at <3

i kind of did one a few years ago and honestly the same thing applies. i never really knew how to articulate it because i don’t really have much of a process, it’s more or less just muscle memory and referencing.

i’ve talked abt this frequently but sketching over things like photos and 3d models makes the process a lot smoother for me and makes it much easier for me to put the pictures in my head down on paper. i’m older and i genuinely don’t have a lot of time on my hands like i used to, this makes the workload much easier on me and makes things more pleasant since i have less time to do things. when i do big colored pieces this is usually what i tend to do. i just draw for fun, i’ve never really been looking to improve or go to school for it, it’s just how i express things.

that being said i do think you need to have some knowledge of anatomy already in order to pull it off. you kind of have to know what certain muscles and bones are and how they interact with each other in order to actually understand what body parts are doing when it comes to a pose. you have to know how to accurately alter body types when needed, too. basically i used to do figure drawing constantly for years, id do it like every day when i was bored in my sketchbook, id look through poses and just jot them down. i used quickposes a lot which i think is a really good resource if you want to do that. again, i dont have the time or energy in my day anymore so i dont do it as much. i’m also a person with health issues that inhibit me from sitting up or looking at bright screens for long periods of time. just recently my legs have started going numb so i gotta be careful sitting at my desk lol.

i think there’s a lot of stigma around tracing over photos/models and referencing which i think is stupid. if it makes me a cheater then sure ive never rlly cared. i say do what feels right to you and what you feel like helps you, everybody learns differently and finds different things beneficial to their process. genuinely it’s about what makes you happy with your work, not anyone else. overall though i recommend figure drawing first and foremost, no matter what you choose to do i think it’s a necessary step if you’re interested.

[prettyboykatsuki]

Hey Fang I just wanna say. I admire you so much. I know you’re just some guy, but I feel that. We are both just some guys. Some fellas. Maybe this is parasocial or weird idk I hope it’s not too weird ;; But I just want to tell you. I’m too shy to send this through dms so i’m sending it through inbox on anon. I know we’ve interacted a few times but I still get so shy because I think you’re cool. I know you don’t think you’re all that but i think its amazing how easily you seem to articulate your thoughts and how well you write. The words you choose to describe things, the saccharine ways you describe eroticism and love, the stories you come up with in your head. I think it’s so cool. I love your explanations and writings about feelings. Maybe its parasocial or something (can you tell im scared of being too weird about this) but I relate to a lot of things you talk about too. It feels nice, and it makes me feel seen knowing i’m not the only one thats gone through certain things or thats thought of certain things. So I guess part of what I’m also trying to say is that I really appreciate you and your whole account. I appreciate you a whole lot <3

this is so nice ;;;; i dont know what to say to it ;;

i really dont think of myself in any sort of way like im fr fr some guy but it makes me?? happy that you see this in me or find this to be true of me in anyway. im really flattered by that and i hope u know it would never be weird to me at all. and this isn't parasocial to me either!!! its just very kind and im so embarrassed... the way u describe my work in particular rlly moves me i feel very emotional seeing it...

im glad that i make u feel safe!! and comfortable enough to send me this ask!!! i hope that we can continue existing in this space together for a long time!!

[irregulardiaryposts]

01:37 16/02/2023

Well... its obvs been a while since i updated huh. reading back on some of those .. some of its nice ig and some of it is quite articulate but looking back on some of it with my perspective now, idk its sad but also a little cringe lol. but thats the point of a diary to keep it cringe and truthful to how im feeling in the moment. well anyway

its 2023 woooo im in my second year of uni and things are pretty okay i guess. im still a litlte lonely dont get me wrong but im sure things will get better. um. ive got an essay due at midnight on the 16th (technically today) and im like a third through it? but the first 1/3 is the easiest part cos its just explaining the concepts. anyway im behind on a lot of uni work. for no reason. at all. like theres no good reason behind it other than i need medicated i guess. maybe i really should get meds im an adult now so im hoping they can. its genuinely really affecting my uni performance i cant get out of bed most days during the winter cos its so so cold. why is the world so so cold. my feet are also so so cold. can you tell im procrastinating :P unis still lonely but also i barely go anyway so what would i know anyway. i got some hobbies i guess. anime has revived my want for a tumblr blog so in november i made a new blog for anime ToT. its fun tho i really do enjoy it its so fun and silly and i can be as insane as i want to over fictional characters. better than twitter by a mile cos well yeah. it has also reignited my want to make art, cos then i can post it and other people who are also insane about the same characters can enjoy it too. even if its kinda bad idgaf. the whole 'oh shit two cakes' meme constantly runs through my head.

ahh anyway i also like playing video games too, or ig the difference is i have the money to buy them and a decent laptop to run them on. so that helps fill the void of community im missing. i really miss people. and im a huge introvert for the most part (unless im drunk but shhhh) but i miss not being in my room 24/7. i guess the theme of this update is i need meds ToT. not that it will necessarily be a perfect solution sometimes theyre not but ig it doesnt hurt to talk to a doctor about it. that depends on if i can actually get an appt ahhhhh. i dont have too much to talk about ig just that im alive and barely staying afloat but not actively suicidal so *thumbs up*. i really do need to write this essay i would dislike to get an extension because then i would just put it off again until next week lol. im such a good procrastinator :D this definitely isnt detrimental to my non-existent work ethic.

maybe i can talk about something thats itching at me from my philosophy course. my essay isnt exactly on this topic but i rlly wanna formulate some thoughts on it lol.

so we're talking about what exists in the world right? things people would easily say exist are things like tables, chairs, frogs, dogs, atoms and molecules. things that are a little harder to figure out if they exist are things like love, morality, goodness, numbers, gender. the lists are not exhaustive but that kind of thing. and there's this concept of Ordinary Objects(OO) and Extraordinary Objects(EO). the first list has almost all OO, which are defined as being highly visible objects right before our eyes (that do not escape our notice). the atoms and molecules make things tricky in philosophy as nothing can ever, ever, be simple in this subject. anyway. EO are objects that are also highly visible objects that do escape our notice. you're thinking how can an object, a physical object, that is so obviously in front of us, escape our notice??? well you're not alone in thinking philosophy just makes up things along with justifications of said things just for shits and giggles, and calls it a day, cos that's exactly what i thought when i heard this the first time. and genuinely so much of philosophy is just postulating and theorising about this thing and that thing but its done with such earnestness and sincerity that i get endeared by these stupid dead guys. ANYWAY. the existence of EO are obviously controversial (of course) and even OO are argued too. but yes what are EO exactly? the example given in the reading was a Trog - an object that is composed of a dog and a tree trunk. no, they are not connected in any way, and no they don't even have to be near each other but they can compose this object called a Trog. this is what you can call an EO. it is highly visible (assuming the dog isn't microscopic and the tree is not invisible) and it is right before our eyes yet we never notice it. well of course, who would? but the question is do EO really exist or is it a baseless theory. well...

another example of an

[silkgonerough]

Astro Observation/Rants #3 (includes moral support for ppl with harsh aspects between their big 3)

🍰UNDERRATED ASPECT COMBO: Mercury sextile venus + mars when I tell you the amount of crazy situations I’ve talked my way out of and the amount of free things I’ve talked my way into is simply ridiculous.. The mixture of both I think gives someone a rlly nice and sweet way of talking but with a certain tact and persuasion with how their saying it if that makes sense? Which equals a real charmer in words but also someone very skilled in how to get what they want through what their saying. If you have this as well start using it to your advantage trust me it works!!!

☹️Does anyone else who has Pluto or Saturn on or aspecting the ascendant in a harsh aspect have an intense self awareness that kind of keeps them from doing certain things bc it gets to much be too much or you get too paranoid over what others will think of you?

😪Being a Sagittarius but with Saturn as my dominant/elevated planet is really not what I signed up for... I thought I was getting my fun carefree casual storyline but Saturn said it’s the struggle for me. RIP to young me who only looked at cookbook astrology and rlly thought I was doing something...

🙃Ppl who have their sun or ascendant squaring your own ascendant usually have habits or just certain things they do that tend to annoy you or make you judgemental in how they present themselves to the world and others around them. My virgo rising squares my moms sagittarius sun and I can’t take her anywhere 😕

🥵Venus square mars is so hot yet such a disaster in synastry😭 like maybe it’s because I attract relationships that tend to be as messy as something out of a Netflix original but I’m always so attracted to guys who’s venus’ square my mars... and then they open their mouths😪

📚If you know someone with mercury in an aspect to saturn compliment their intellect, writting skills or just knowledge in general!! Ppl with this aspect tend to feel insecure with being considered “smart” even if they really are! Most ppl I’ve met are able to articulate their thoughts rlly well and are like walking dictionaries almost? They way they talk when explaining definitions or concepts is also lowkey hot🥵maybe that’s just my Virgo rising talking tho...

💖Sun in any aspect to venus but especially the conjunct/trine as an aspect between two people is the official hype man aspect!! The venus person hypes the hell out of the sun person and vice versa!! Probs the loyal fan who’s always in your comment section😘I love this aspect sm tho you just love the entire being of the other person! one of my fave celebrities has her venus conjunct my sun and I am deeply in love with her🤪

😩WHEN WILL THE UNIVERSE GIVE ME ANYTHING OTHER THEN A DAMN PISCES ARIES OR LIBRA MAN ITS GETTING OLD give me my Scorpio or Capricorn man😭🙏 (except dont bc all of hell will break loose and it’ll be me invigoratingly opening the gates)

🌗If you have your sun in a harsh aspect to your moon (square or opposite) your childhood was probably not the most fun in the home life and you probably understood the harsh reality of marriage or just unhealthy relationships in general from the parents :/ the whole sun/moon inner conflict was also probs pretty prevalent and caused social issues with peers at school.. honestly such a sad aspect to have as a child bc everything’s so hard and you don’t understand why bc you don’t rlly understand yourself yet :( but once you grow into it and figure out how to balance your emotions/moon to your overall personality/sun one can become the strength where the other is weak and it creates a sort of wondrous enigma of a person and ppl can become rlly entranced in your personality! It’s called layers bitch😜

🤫Scorpio/Pluto in the 3rd house (I have both🤗) could be someone who has a lot of secretive hobbies or interests that they don’t share with a lot of ppl but may have a secret social media accounts for them👀 not the type to tell ppl if they like someone but the ppl who are close to them will catch on or honestly figure out just by asking them straight up bc once confronted we get all embarrassed and you can see it on our faces super easily! We love our mysteries, plot twist or literally anything that requires digging deeper or making theories when reading or watching something. No surface level shit here🙅‍♀️

💸Mars in 2nd house may have a shopping addiction or may be bad at saving money. They usually binge shop and are the types that went to a grocery store for more untensils and came back with a waffle maker and a bunch of baking supplies😅 stingy if you eat their food without permission... the type to freak out if they left their fave shirt at their friends house after a sleepover lol, probs has a thing for food and sex together or sex in a really luxurious place with candles and rose petals.. it’s go big or I’m going tf home with them. Have furniture in ur home their not fucking in a god damn roller rink🤣

🌟People with Mercury in Aquarius/aspecting Uranus seem to really like talking about scientific theories or futuristic concepts!! All the ones I’ve known have had really grand ideas and seem to like anything related to the mystical but also seemingly holds a lot of innovative undertones! One of my friends who has Mercury in Aquarius aspecting Neptune/Uranus has a thing for the Disney short films which honestly is like a mix of neptune and uranus in its art forms! I’ve always thought it was cute how eager she is to show me them☺️

🌊From what I’ve observed an aspect that can make someone kind of bad at confrontation or like vocalizing their feelings until it’s too late and their bursting like a freaking geyser is Pisces mars. It doesn’t rlly take a lot to have them feeling some sort of way either with or without a valid reason (this is just an observation from the ones I’ve seen I don’t want to generalize!!) but the way they get angry is like a baby’s tempter tantrum and because I’m a Sagittarius I can always see thru the bullshit and I’m like is anyone else seeing this? I think overall besides Scorpio having a water mars signs is exceptionally hard so I cut them some slack but at what cost😫

🤤Mars conjunct Jupiter people are yummy. The men and women both are so hot and the men are always exuding big dick energy and usually thats what their giving👀

🌎All my big 3 create harsh aspects to one another (sun square moon, moon opposite ascendant, ascendant square sun) I honestly don’t know how I made it this far without literally exploding from tension but to anyone with these I guess my advice would be to refrain from taking things too personally bc it’s usually never that serious we’re just already a bit insecure in ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world! Your perception of how others view you vs how they actually do are usually very different in a good way but we tend to self sabotage ourselves into acting the way we think others want us to! I think having so many conflictive yet different sides of yourself creates a very influential character. It’s kind of like living in many completely different places throughout your life. The change is always hard and you don’t always feel secure but your experience and perception on things are really unique and you can offer other ppl a whole new perspective on who they are bc you yourself are always looking through the world through conflicting yet contrasting lenses.

[autisticbisexualemaskye]

not a big deal or anything but i kind of dont like "your therapist WANTS you to traumadump asap and if u do ur a godsend" post because its kind of judgemental? like its a positive judgement but also it might make people feel bad for spending months or even years in therapy and still having trouble articulating whats wrong with them, or make people feel bad for not KNOWING whats wrong with them. i dont think that was the intention but like beyond "therapists wants to help you" therapists dont WANT anything. they dont care if u tell them ur trauma right of the bat or if u need to spend years working up a therapeutic relationship first. they care about meeting u where u are at and helping you cope and deal with it.

like ive met a ton of people who said they dont do therapy bc they dont want to share their trauma with a stranger and like me neither!! but therapy still helps me!! because i spent the first few months of my therapy talking about just like. how my week has been and little problems i DID feel comfortable sharing about until my therapist was no longer a stranger to me!! and therapists dont make a value judgement on a patient like me vs a patient who opens up immediately bc were both paying for them to help us with our problems, just in my case one of my problems happens to be that i have trouble sharing and articulating my emotions which is something a good therapist can and will help u deal with. anyways again its not really a big deal and i dont think op meant it to b judgemental but id just like to gently caution against assigning value to behaviours like this in the context of therapy or talking about what you "should be" doing in therapy to any degree because thats rlly not something anyone can know except you and ur therapist

[losthunx]

something edited.

The light filtered in, it’s warm glow settling upon your cheekbone. The sun had been rising later and later each day with the apocalypse coming closer. Although, with everything going to shit, that didn’t quite matter to me. The sun always found you. I knew it’d never leave you alone. I knew it would seek you during every waking hour it had, because it loved you, and it’d never stop loving you. It was drawn to you, even in your sleep. As you slumber, i watch the sun cast it’s rays onto you, as if to say “Wake up. The time for slumber has long passed.” Your nose scrunches in response, and with a sleepy sigh, your eyes open. A sleepy smile graces your lips, and somehow, the world stops in its tracks. When i’d first met you i’d noticed your energy. It was a burning, bright thing that melted my defenses away. It claimed the space in my heart with a swan-like grace, and a soft kind of comfort that'd I'd never expect. I loved you in silence yet, I also loved you louder than anyone i have loved before. I thought you’d be something comforting and warm to bask in, until the clouds came back and solitude found me again. I was wrong. You were so much more. You were the brightness and the darkness, both warm to the touch and no longer terrifying. You were death and life, happiness and bone crushing sadness, dramatism and minimalism. You were everything i thought I’d never need to experience. Yet, here I am laying next to you in a lone bed we'd found next to this abandoned building. We'd run from The End, when it first appeared. The feeling of everything falling apart was something we couldn't handle. So, instead of handling it, we pretended it never existed. We skipped town at the first chance we got, and pretended that we were headed to a resort. Like, somehow if we dreamed hard enough, it'd come true. But running doesn't stop the arrival of the things we didn't like, it only fooled us into thinking we were in control. I gaze into your eyes, and feel my lips split into the brightest half moon I could manage. Looking into your eyes was gazing into life’s deepest secrets and finding the beauty within them. The warmth of your soul feels like a hazy afternoon standing in front of your kitchen doorway. An afternoon that leads to the warmth your mother’s hands on your shoulder, the other above your head. It’s the softness of that hand and the aroma of the food it played part in making. It’s the gooey feeling inside your chest; warm like chocolate chip cookies. I say all this to say: Darling, your soul feels like growth. Life changing, bursting growth. And as i stare growth in its face, in love with every growing pain, you open your mouth and- “Baby? You ok?” a chuckle, and then, “You’re kinda staring baby boy.” The world comes rushing back. I nod, brushing the hair off your forehead, before leaning down to plant a kiss on the unnatural warmth there. Pulling you closer, I mumble into your skin, “Fine, babe. Always fine when I’m with you. “ I pull back from your embrace, eyes teary before crushing you in my arms again. “Love of my life. That’s what you are. “ Your nose brushes against my chest as your head tilts heaven-ward. Big eyes blink back at me, love wrapping around your irises. A stretch of silence follows as we stare at each other, and then, “We have a month, you know.” Those words vibrate against my throat, as I continue to run my hands through your hair, hoping for a quiet death. Quiet, but full of love as the leaves fall in October. My answer comes late, but it still comes. Soft, and truthful, and finally tired of running. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” My nails scratch against your scalp as the lighting brightens, before deepening. My lips find your forehead, and press against it with fervor. A pleased hiss resonates in the air. I pull back, glancing at your lips. At how sweet-looking they are, at how enticing they are. Before I know it, I find myself leaning forward to reach your lips. When we connect, my heart picks up an extra beat before smoothing into the same soothing beat it’d been before. This kiss, held every insecurity I couldn't voice, and the hope that somehow, on your lips, it'd speak volumes. We separate a few seconds later, and somehow the room somehow feels a little warmer. My hand traces a line from your hair to your nape, and then  caresses it’s way to the skin of your collarbone. “Is there anything else you wanna do, before next month? October, I mean. I mean, you know what I mean.” I stumble over my words. The End was next month. Still, thinking of the end as The End was harsh. So, without much questioning we’d taken to calling it October.  After all, it was a little more comforting to turn "The End" into memories of pumpkin spice lattes, chilly weather, and carnivals. Your breath hitches, and I swear that if your body wasn’t pressed to mine, I’d completely miss it. “No. I hope we never see October.” It spills out of your mouth like black ink on parchment paper. You close your eyes and bury deeper into my chest. “I’m gonna miss this when it’s done. Don’t know where I’ll be...but I’ll miss it anyway.” The words twist at my insides until I can feel nausea rising to the surface. “Yeah. Me too, darling. Me too.” I sigh and run my hands along your back in an attempt to comfort you. You let out a slow breath as the tears you were trying to hide behind your eyelids come rushing forward. Slowly at first, and then much faster. Your shoulders start to shake and barely audible croaks sound from your throat. I lift your chin so I can kiss it. While there, I bury my head into your neck and rest my lips on your neck. I knew for a fact it soothed you, so i layed there, feeling your pulse against my lips and having the urge to hold it in my mouth. I’d take good care of it. I’d let it live in my mouth and be intimate with all the words I could never fully articulate. As retribution for taking your pulse, I’d give you mine, and live within the warmth of the best person I’d ever known. In another world  this fantasy of mine could be real. But, this world is the way it is, and no amount of praying, and begging, and hoping can erase it’s issues. (I’ve tried, and it never worked. The first time I prayed to a god I didn't believe in; begging on my knees with hands outstretched, was for her. And ever since then, the only way I can force my tongue to give devotion to a god who never cared, is for her.) I began to hum a song I knew she loved in hopes of soothing her and getting her to go back to sleep. After all, her strength was fading, as was everyone’s strength here. As her health further deteriorated, her skin seemed to cling to her bones. Before long her hands had begun to shake, and her breath began to slip out of her control like elusive wind. Simply put, the world was tearing everything apart, and it had started with her. I tighten my hands around her skinny frame, and find myself begging to whatever god would listen. “Don’t take her without me, don’t leave me alone! If she has to die, take me with her. I’m not needed here, you don’t need me. Just don’t... let her go on her own. “ And as the sun (which i hadn’t even noticed was doing her last dance across the planes of the sky, until now.) said her small farewells, I felt a warmth race down my spine. A warmth that signified, that at the very least, she shouldn’t be on her own when it was her time to go. Whether that be now, next week, the next week, or in October. That small consolation was enough to remove the shake from my hands (that i also didn’t notice was happening, wow. That’s weird, right?) like it’d never been there. My hands caress her back, and i watch as her breath lifts and rises in a synchronized dance that signified sleep. With a last squeeze to her body, I move her away from me and tuck her deeper into the bed. She needs all the sleep she can get. I exit the bed, and put on my hunting coat. I grab my hunting rifle, a switchblade, and with one last kiss to her head and a glance, I leave to collect dinner.

-

ik i’m not that amazing of a writer but please do not steal this :). I worked really hard on it and now i’m rlly sleepy and i dont wanna have to hunt you down and snatch my writing from ur nasty fingies. still, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy whatever I come out with next time. 

[fappellmoan]

this isnt quite the ask meme so feel free to ignore it but i wanna hear about why u like either stranger things or it (or both im not ur mom)

omg i love you thank u for asking. im gonna put a keep reading on this bc i ranted a lot lmao

ok so stranger things was odd (ha); i remember when it very first came out during that july i was like ‘im not rlly into scifi so idk if i’d care for it’ and my sister was like ‘no, trust me, me neither but i started this and it’s really good’ so i started it while hanging out at her house and was absolutely glued to the screen and then i left and went home and proceeded to stay up until 4 am to finish it and was absolutely SOBBING at my screen. i was enamored by the aesthetic (so many beautiful shots of the fall landscape and a simple 80s wintery vibe and the christmas lights UGH poetic cinema) and i just felt like all of the characters were so fleshed out and no matter how much conflict there was or idiotic things they did i literally loved every single one (except like. Ted and Papa yk??). and they were such good friends and so so funny??? like dustin and lucas had a hilarious dynamic and mike literally going to jump off a cliff for dustin???? being so concerned for will and letting that take precedence over any romances (not just talking about mileven i promise) hello????? el sacrificing so much of herself and her energy for these people because they’re the first to truly treat her with unconditional kindness in her life and they’re her family now??? but they all had SUCH heart and dedication to one another, and i loved that because the boys werent super concerned with like toxic masculinity (not to be #deep like a lot of it was that they were kids but they love each other so much and don’t care when they’re bullied by troy and his gang; they are there for each other and the first season shows how deep each of their friendships run and i love it); like these idiots were big NERDS and so sweet and kind to el, and each other honestly. you know they all had each other’s backs, even when they were mad or bickering. it went against my expectations for an 80s-based show and the government conspiracy aspect was intriguing (despite the fact that i usually get lost with that stuff; same with the sci-fi aspect) and i adored all of the kids and the story was just so tight and developed so wonderfully. i think season 1 was phenomenal and thats where it becomes hard for me as it goes on; im bummed that it’s more mainstream and thus i can only expect them to abide by mainstream guidlines (in terms of how they handle lgbt/minority characters, the balance between plot vs character, how far they will go in criticizing american and other governments), but i do think it deserves the hype. it is a beautiful, wonderful show and i am attached to the characters and the actual story more than i have been with anything else. it easily became my favorite show and season 2 LIVED UP TO THE HYPE it was so so good!!!! i rewatch the first two seasons all the time (i honestly dont know how many times ive seen each season at this point (other than three which i have seen thrice, i believe); i simply adore each and every character and the different teams that form by the ends of the season and i believe that they did very very well with all of this up until season 3 (ive talked about my diasppointment extensively, so im gonna focus on the positive); and we will see how s4 goes.

as for It, i have a lot less background tbh but i still really love it. i remember watching the og miniseries years ago and even though i have trouble watching shows with a big “ensemble” cast (mostly bc the characters arent diverse so i have trouble distinguishing between them), i liked the story and i remember being struck by bev’s storyline. i dont remember why i wanted to see it ch1 so bad (probably because i’d seen finn in stranger things the year before, ngl) but i attached to the characters so quickly. i saw it with my mom and she was like ‘that was awful it wasn’t even scary, it was just corny’ and i was like MAYBE SO but i fucking loved the characters so so much. i said that over and over and over and was heartbroken when i found out upon further research that two of my favorite characters (though ofc its hard to ‘rank’ them when they all have such a special place in my heart) die in the book. regardless, i just loved the kid actors sm and i think i found it especially easy to get invested in the story and the cast because they’re my age?? idk i just find it a lot more fun (which is probably why im still more partial to ch1). and then i went home and found all of the stupid interviews with them and the videos they posted on their own youtube channels and i thought they were so funny and it was awesome that they were genuinely such good friends. again, i dont always get invested in horror storylines but i thought the fact that its really....a love story between friends and ch2 especially has a lot of commentary on homophobia (its absolutely not perfect but yk) because of adrian mellon coming from charlie howard and how they all come from more troubled backgrounds but find love in each other is just the BEST i am such a sucker for found family and i have genuinely not found a better example of that than the losers club. i love them so fucking much. again, im not quite as informed when it comes to It as i am with stranger things, but i still really really love the story and characters and the depth that they all have (except mike/stan they were slept on) (and eddie was deprived of a good gay story and just Happy story but whatever) and yeah anyway im just ranting at this point. i think that stephen king had some... interesting ways of writing this story that make me wary of finally just picking up the book and reading more than the first few chapters (ie You Know, and just... idk i don’t trust how bev was written (but maybe thats harsh of me considering i Havent read it)), but hopefully eventually i will so i can be more involved than i am now. i cant quite articulate all that im trying to say, but i really really do love the story and the kids.

send me asks!!

[figureinthedistance]

ive been trying 2 make a post abt david berman fr the past 24 hrs not even for my own benefit but bc i feel like bc of the person he was + what he did fr me + many others i am obliged 2 deliver some sort of testament or sth i cant not create anything for him + i dont have many options open 2 me in terms of how 2 honour him. when i found out i was @ work + i left a couple hours later 2 go down 2 this grotto 2 the blessed mother mary in a nearby park + i prayed on it + it was like a rare occasion of feeling like prayer wasnt enough + i think its bc prayer is fr me + given how much DCB has done for me i shld do sth for him. theres not rlly anything i can do so until i think of sth better im jst gna make a post semi-articulating his greatness + hopefully someone who sees this + doesnt kno him will now kno tht 2 days ago an incredibly special + strong + kind man died. i kno it was important 2 him 2 leave an impact + i’ll try my best 2 always help w that from now on. 

 this is a new kind of grief. when i went thru his tag yesterday there were like 3 posts by different ppl abt how he had saved their lives when they were going thru rough times + he was definitely like a key component of my survival when i was a teen. + im struggling to think of anyone who balanced despair + hopelessness so well w humour his lyrics cld make me laugh + some of his songs were so feel good even while mapping the horrors of existence w/ this cutting accuracy that few im familiar w/ have ever matched. he was like simultaneously confirming u were right to fear everything u feared, but then also being like. shit theres still stuff to laugh abt. theres so much u can enjoy. (is the problem that we can't see or that the problem is beautiful to me?)

i keep thinking of new lyrics + having my heart broken all over again. “folks who’ve watched their mother kill an animal know that their home is surrounded by places to go.” there was a review fr his newest album which said they were tempted to engage in rlly lazy music reviewing, by jst quoting a dozen of his lyrics instead of actually saying anything themselves. another piece said tht it was a serious struggle choosing which lyrics to share bc they were all so powerful. bill callahan tweeted ‘the world is a david berman lyric’. theres also this ch*rles darwin quote abt charles lyell, where he says the book lyell wrote ‘altered the whole tone of one’s mind, and therefore that, when seeing a thing never seen by Lyell, one yet saw it partially through his eyes’. berman definietely taught me a lot abt seeing the world + like, finding meaning + connexion w banal, unpretty things (the darwin quote also reminds me of a line from bermans poetry: there were no new ways to understand the world/ only new days to set our understandings against. now tht we won’t get any more insight from him, we’re jst gonna have to keep reusing what hes already given us to understand the coming times). before i was on the joos/mountains binge id been in a built to spill phase, + they have a lyric like "u can take the world apart to figure out how it works" (not verbatim) + DCB did a more thorough job than i can think of witnessing from many others. i feel like trying 2 describe him almost sullies his legacy bc no words will ever b able to match his own. u cant find adequate language 2 describe them bc they took language 2 unprecedented heights. 

im fighting off the urge of making this abt me but i’ll note this once: it is fr me + fr all the other fans particularly...idk...unsettling? shocking? having this happen a month after the release of his 1st album in over a decade + a week before he was supposed 2 start touring. prior 2 this news id been listening to the joos + to purple mountains on repeat fr the first time in ages bc i was so excited abt his come back. + coinciding w that was the fact tht the last couple weeks say i have fr unrelated reasons been enduring some of the heaviest suicidality in months. having him take his life honestly feels like losing someone who was fighting along side me. 

i think a combination of factors make this such a deeply felt injustice, the first being how he so deserved peace. i halfway remember a conversation w my brother when i was like 16, + we were saying how the silver jews jst made u root fr him, u jst wanted him to overcome all the obstacles he was facing. another but similar reason this hits hard is bc i hold myself off from forming any sort of personal connection w celebrities or public figures but never felt the need 2 do that w him bc he never seemed 2 fit in those categories. he never toured + rarely gave interviews + was out of the business completely fr eleven years + was never anywhere close to being rich. i also jst trusted that he was as kind + genuine + selfless + loving + brave as he came across in the rare interview + in his music + in his fan interactions + in the anecdotes shared abt him by friends or colleagues (who always also seemed to be friends, anyway). his loved ones have said he understood how important his music was to ppl + i rlly hope he did, fully. on twitter a fan shared this email he sent them abt the recovery process fr addiction after they reached out 2 him while in detox. that was a special kind of honesty + love + kindness + bravery. 

everything is heartbreaking in retrospect, which is unsurprising considering the topics of his music + poetry, but even the lighthearted stuff too. complementing the above linked tweet, this very sweet funny charming email he sent a fan tht they posted on twitter is almost unbearable fr its inclusion of the line, ‘its good to be remembered’. he was such a special person + he has done so much + deserved so much that its not right or just of me 2 keep all these thoughts + feelings to myself. he deserves to have them put out in the world in recognition of how deeply special he was. 

[simmonsized]

hi im rlly shy so commenting on like ao3 makes me nervous but uuuuuh the run n go is. the best. fic ive read in a long time ok bye

ANON!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️

It's okay to be shy, I have a really hard time articulating my thoughts in comments, and therefore feel like I always struggle for what to say when I'm trying to comment myself, or even replying to someone's comment! Because I want them to know how much it means, but also I don't want to just repeat myself haha

Anyway, this is so sweet and really does mean a lot!!!! I know it's a monster of a fic, nowadays, to the point where I actually have started writing down notes so I dont miss plot points LOL

This is an honor to be told, Anon, and I thank your for your kindness, as well as your patience

[jawsplitter]

📃💢&✨ ! :)

hiii ty so much sorry im getting to this late i just woke up!!!! :-))) ill be talking about brba/bcs

this got long so its under a read more so i dont clog my muts dashes @__@

📃 what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?

pretty much everyone knows the plot of brba lol! but its about a high school chemistry teacher (walter) getting diagnosed with lung cancer n he doesnt have the money for dealing with that and taking care of his family, so he starts making drugs with a kid who he used to teach (jesse). wacky antics ensue

and bcs! it a prequel about saul (a character who was also in brba if youre unfamiliar), a kinda down-on-his-luck lawyer trying to get by, and how he becomes the popular criminal lawyer that u see in brba! it takes place 7 years before it

n theyre both tv shows! there is also a movie tht takes place after brba n its about jesse going to alaska i think, its called el camino, but i havent seen it yet

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

here at leons brain were all about crime media . so that mainly id say! that is why i was drawn to it in the first place and definitely why i like it so much. i think its interesting seeing this kind of “Bad” stuff portrayed so closely, and in the way that brba does it. its sort of hard for me to articulate it but i hope u get it??! 

n im drawn to bcs mostly bc its got my faves from brba (saul and gus) and added more characters that i fell in love with (kim, nacho, lalo) ahgfdsf!!! but it is a great show, very different from brba at least imo. its a lot more uhh...friendlier i would say? the subject matter isnt as heavy and it has a very funky feel. i rlly like when it shows saul tackling cases bc i dont know much about the law so its cool seeing him get into it.

💢 what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?

kill off walter early. but jokes aside i wish they wouldve portrayed skyler differently in the later seasons. i think this is an unpopular opinion (i dont involve myself w fandoms so i wouldnt know lol), i love her & she deserved better ofc, but there are some points, in mainly s5 if i remember right, where she comes up with solutions that end up making the problem way more complicated and harder on herself when easier solutions are like Right There, and its especially frustrating since its s5 and tensions are super high. other than that i cant think of much besides kill walter and hector early and get rid of todds family. they all need to go in the trash

and bcs.....i havent seen all of it (waiting for netflix to get s5. fml) but as of rn theres nothing id really change!! :-)