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They say you should find three hobbies you love: one that makes money, one that keeps the creativity going, and one to keep you in shape.

It's June 17, and this is an accountability blog.

1. Money-making: writing

2. Creativity boost: Reading

3. Fitness check: jogging and running

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Rejections and redirections

It's May 31, 2023 and I have just received the news that I was not among the lucky applicants who were confirmed in UP.

I have dealt with my fair share of rejections and redirections. They are concentrated mostly in between the gaps of the educational blocks.

Rejection 1: I failed the admission test of Philippine Science High School

Redirection 1: I scored 46/60 in the STE admission test of Tabaco National High School

Rejection 2: I was waitlisted for UP Materials Engineering, but was not given a slot

Redirection 2: Still waiting for it.

The rejections don't even hurt me as much. When I come to know of it, a hollow weight just settles on my chest, leaving my quiet and wordless in the coming days.

Only when I am asked about it do I cry because that's when the fog clears and I see my reality clearly.

But I know that, as far as rejections go, they are actually blessings in disguise. They are redirections that place me where I need to be in order for me to achieve the best version of myself.

PhilSCA? Oh, I don't know. I have low hopes for it.

Mapua? Now I'm beginning to see that, maybe, that's where I am destined to be.

I owe it to myself to try Mapua. You never know. It might hold the key to being the best I can be.

Their QuarTerm system scares me because my energy, creativity, and inspiration can only go so far—I am easily burnt out.

But perhaps studying in Mapua can help me expand my working capacity and reinforce my lifestyle to cater to the demands of the 21st century workplace. One way or another, I need to learn how to get things done without neglecting my holistic well-being.

So this is it. This is me accepting my fate.

Next year, I can apply for the UP transfer program. There's no harm in trying after all.

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“You plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. In other words, take responsibility for your own needs and your own happiness.”

— Maggi Myers, The Final Piece

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As I stare into the plaster of my ceiling, bumpy with dust and spiderwebs, I wonder about all my friends in the past and present.

I had never had a friend for more than 5 years.

Then I wonder if the problem is in me.

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I'm writing this at 12:27 AM of May 15, 2023.

Set in the scenic island of Jeju, Soulmate follows the friendship of two girls who grew up together. Ko Ha-eun lived a very mundane life before Ahn Mi-so came into the picture. Heavily burdened by her family situation, Mi-so never stayed in one place long enough, but when she met Ha-eun, she decided to live in Jeju and be with her best friend. For years, they fostered a bond unlike any other, causing trouble together, escaping trouble together, making memories together.

Until they entered the stage of self-discovery. Mi-so first. Misunderstandings formed and chaos ensued. A wedge was driven into the once-close friendship.

Both girls fumbled and stumbled as they try to salvage their lives and their friendship. In the end, tables turned and lives were switched.

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I was moved multiple times during the movie. Its realistic portrayal of friendship, self-discovery, and love was the most notable feature.

The story itself was well-crafted; dialogue was spot-on and the plot was seamless as it switched back and forth from the past to the present.

My emotions piled up during the movie and it toppled over at the ending. God, I bawled my eyes out.

The movie touched something broken in me. The little me who only had friends in passing. The grade school me who was highly introverted. The high school me who was a friend of convenience.

Seeing the bond between Ha-eun and Mi-so made me realize yet again how I lacked to fill in the spot of a best friend in my heart. The best friend who I could say and do anything with. The best friend who would stick with me through the highs and lows. The best friend who I would always come back to at the end of each tiring day.

I have long since accepted that I was never going to be that friend and I was never going to have that friend, but it hurt nonetheless.

Because deep inside, I knew I wanted all of that. It's just devastating that I couldn't have it.

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I don't like you anymore. Thanks a lot for showing me just how rude you can be for me to be able to get over my feelings for you.

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He kept staring at me. Is that supposed to mean something?

And whenever I feel his gaze on me, I try so hard not to smile, not to let my giddiness show.

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I do everything for you, but you don't seem to care. You love my sisters more than you love me.

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It's the small things that matter.

When you stare at me while I'm not looking

When your hand grasps mine when we cross the street

When your eyes find mine in the crowd

When you wait for me while I talk to other friends

When you ask me to come and take a walk with you whenever one of us is troubled

When you leave me in silence to process my problems instead of pushing me to tell you about it

It's all those seemingly tiny and trivial actions that made me like you a little more.

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We look so good together; why don't we just be together?

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I close my eyes and all I see is you and the small things you do.

Those Eyes by New West

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they're so cute OMG!

Babies want a snack

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The night breeze is bitingly cold, similar to the treatment of my father towards us.

How you manage to push us away and ignore us for extended periods of time, I won't know. But I can guess: you just don't love us as much as we love you.

And that's the most painful thought that has ever stumbled into my mind.

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It is in places like these do I find my spirit again.

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Me listening to Hug by Seventeen at every time of distress

It never fails to console me, put me at peace.

Hugs to everyone going through a rough patch

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I didn't know I was far too gone until I had 3 of the nicest people I've met share their romantic perception of me, and I didn't know how to reply. In the end, I told them that I wasn't ready.