losthunx

[losthunx]

something edited.

The light filtered in, it’s warm glow settling upon your cheekbone. The sun had been rising later and later each day with the apocalypse coming closer. Although, with everything going to shit, that didn’t quite matter to me. The sun always found you. I knew it’d never leave you alone. I knew it would seek you during every waking hour it had, because it loved you, and it’d never stop loving you. It was drawn to you, even in your sleep. As you slumber, i watch the sun cast it’s rays onto you, as if to say “Wake up. The time for slumber has long passed.” Your nose scrunches in response, and with a sleepy sigh, your eyes open. A sleepy smile graces your lips, and somehow, the world stops in its tracks. When i’d first met you i’d noticed your energy. It was a burning, bright thing that melted my defenses away. It claimed the space in my heart with a swan-like grace, and a soft kind of comfort that'd I'd never expect. I loved you in silence yet, I also loved you louder than anyone i have loved before. I thought you’d be something comforting and warm to bask in, until the clouds came back and solitude found me again. I was wrong. You were so much more. You were the brightness and the darkness, both warm to the touch and no longer terrifying. You were death and life, happiness and bone crushing sadness, dramatism and minimalism. You were everything i thought I’d never need to experience. Yet, here I am laying next to you in a lone bed we'd found next to this abandoned building. We'd run from The End, when it first appeared. The feeling of everything falling apart was something we couldn't handle. So, instead of handling it, we pretended it never existed. We skipped town at the first chance we got, and pretended that we were headed to a resort. Like, somehow if we dreamed hard enough, it'd come true. But running doesn't stop the arrival of the things we didn't like, it only fooled us into thinking we were in control. I gaze into your eyes, and feel my lips split into the brightest half moon I could manage. Looking into your eyes was gazing into life’s deepest secrets and finding the beauty within them. The warmth of your soul feels like a hazy afternoon standing in front of your kitchen doorway. An afternoon that leads to the warmth your mother’s hands on your shoulder, the other above your head. It’s the softness of that hand and the aroma of the food it played part in making. It’s the gooey feeling inside your chest; warm like chocolate chip cookies. I say all this to say: Darling, your soul feels like growth. Life changing, bursting growth. And as i stare growth in its face, in love with every growing pain, you open your mouth and- “Baby? You ok?” a chuckle, and then, “You’re kinda staring baby boy.” The world comes rushing back. I nod, brushing the hair off your forehead, before leaning down to plant a kiss on the unnatural warmth there. Pulling you closer, I mumble into your skin, “Fine, babe. Always fine when I’m with you. “ I pull back from your embrace, eyes teary before crushing you in my arms again. “Love of my life. That’s what you are. “ Your nose brushes against my chest as your head tilts heaven-ward. Big eyes blink back at me, love wrapping around your irises. A stretch of silence follows as we stare at each other, and then, “We have a month, you know.” Those words vibrate against my throat, as I continue to run my hands through your hair, hoping for a quiet death. Quiet, but full of love as the leaves fall in October. My answer comes late, but it still comes. Soft, and truthful, and finally tired of running. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” My nails scratch against your scalp as the lighting brightens, before deepening. My lips find your forehead, and press against it with fervor. A pleased hiss resonates in the air. I pull back, glancing at your lips. At how sweet-looking they are, at how enticing they are. Before I know it, I find myself leaning forward to reach your lips. When we connect, my heart picks up an extra beat before smoothing into the same soothing beat it’d been before. This kiss, held every insecurity I couldn't voice, and the hope that somehow, on your lips, it'd speak volumes. We separate a few seconds later, and somehow the room somehow feels a little warmer. My hand traces a line from your hair to your nape, and then  caresses it’s way to the skin of your collarbone. “Is there anything else you wanna do, before next month? October, I mean. I mean, you know what I mean.” I stumble over my words. The End was next month. Still, thinking of the end as The End was harsh. So, without much questioning we’d taken to calling it October.  After all, it was a little more comforting to turn "The End" into memories of pumpkin spice lattes, chilly weather, and carnivals. Your breath hitches, and I swear that if your body wasn’t pressed to mine, I’d completely miss it. “No. I hope we never see October.” It spills out of your mouth like black ink on parchment paper. You close your eyes and bury deeper into my chest. “I’m gonna miss this when it’s done. Don’t know where I’ll be...but I’ll miss it anyway.” The words twist at my insides until I can feel nausea rising to the surface. “Yeah. Me too, darling. Me too.” I sigh and run my hands along your back in an attempt to comfort you. You let out a slow breath as the tears you were trying to hide behind your eyelids come rushing forward. Slowly at first, and then much faster. Your shoulders start to shake and barely audible croaks sound from your throat. I lift your chin so I can kiss it. While there, I bury my head into your neck and rest my lips on your neck. I knew for a fact it soothed you, so i layed there, feeling your pulse against my lips and having the urge to hold it in my mouth. I’d take good care of it. I’d let it live in my mouth and be intimate with all the words I could never fully articulate. As retribution for taking your pulse, I’d give you mine, and live within the warmth of the best person I’d ever known. In another world  this fantasy of mine could be real. But, this world is the way it is, and no amount of praying, and begging, and hoping can erase it’s issues. (I’ve tried, and it never worked. The first time I prayed to a god I didn't believe in; begging on my knees with hands outstretched, was for her. And ever since then, the only way I can force my tongue to give devotion to a god who never cared, is for her.) I began to hum a song I knew she loved in hopes of soothing her and getting her to go back to sleep. After all, her strength was fading, as was everyone’s strength here. As her health further deteriorated, her skin seemed to cling to her bones. Before long her hands had begun to shake, and her breath began to slip out of her control like elusive wind. Simply put, the world was tearing everything apart, and it had started with her. I tighten my hands around her skinny frame, and find myself begging to whatever god would listen. “Don’t take her without me, don’t leave me alone! If she has to die, take me with her. I’m not needed here, you don’t need me. Just don’t... let her go on her own. “ And as the sun (which i hadn’t even noticed was doing her last dance across the planes of the sky, until now.) said her small farewells, I felt a warmth race down my spine. A warmth that signified, that at the very least, she shouldn’t be on her own when it was her time to go. Whether that be now, next week, the next week, or in October. That small consolation was enough to remove the shake from my hands (that i also didn’t notice was happening, wow. That’s weird, right?) like it’d never been there. My hands caress her back, and i watch as her breath lifts and rises in a synchronized dance that signified sleep. With a last squeeze to her body, I move her away from me and tuck her deeper into the bed. She needs all the sleep she can get. I exit the bed, and put on my hunting coat. I grab my hunting rifle, a switchblade, and with one last kiss to her head and a glance, I leave to collect dinner.

-

ik i’m not that amazing of a writer but please do not steal this :). I worked really hard on it and now i’m rlly sleepy and i dont wanna have to hunt you down and snatch my writing from ur nasty fingies. still, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy whatever I come out with next time. 

[losthunx]

let me write poetry about you

about the gap in your teeth

the way your hair shines

the freckles on your face,

or the gleam in your eyes

let me write poetry about you

you, in all your glory

favored by the stars and moon

who feels celestial hands ghost their being daily

how truly beautiful you are

lit up like the beacon you are

in this dark night;

nestled between my love and each star I'd pick for you

if only

you'd asked.

[losthunx]

“ Whenever a Trump supporter asks you to "name one time Trump was racist," feel free to link to this....

1973: The Nixon administration sued Trump for refusing to rent to black people.

1980s: Trump's casinos were accused of hiding the black staff when Trump visited.

1989: Trump took out a full-page ad, arguing for the death penalty for a group of black men (The 'Central Park Five'), effectively putting a bounty on their heads, and plaguing them with a lifetime of death threats. He was sued by the Justice Department for discrimination.

1991: “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kinds of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day… I think that the [black] guy is lazy. And it’s probably not his fault, because laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is.”

1992: Trump's casino was fined $200,000 for transferring black dealers off certain tables to appease racist patrons.

1993: Trump said Native American casinos shouldn’t be allowed because “they don’t look like Indians to me.”

2000: Trump ran a series of attack ads against Native American casinos alleging (with no proof) that they were guilty of crimes.

2004: Trump fired a black contestant from 'The Apprentice' for being over-educated.

2010: Trump argued in favor of segregating Muslims in Lower Manhattan.

2011: Birtherism. Trump alleged that Obama was Kenyan based on nothing but skin color. He never apologized nor renounced that claim.

2015 (1): Trump called Mexican immigrants "rapists" who are "bringing crime and drugs" to the U.S.

2015 (2): Trump called for "a ban on all Muslims entering the U.S."

2016 (1): Trump called for a Mexican judge to recuse himself based on nothing other than his race. Paul Ryan said this was “the textbook definition of a racist comment.”

2016 (2): Trump regularly retweeted material from white supremacists and neo-Nazis during his campaign.

2016 (3): Trump tweeted a picture alleging that Hillary was Jewish, or controlled by Jewish people.

2016 (4): The Trump campaign adopted Nixon's "Law and Order" rhetoric which was based in racial fearmongering.

2016 (5): Trump told black voters "What do you have to lose?"

2017 (1): Trump asked a reporter to set up a meeting with the black caucus simply because she was black.

2017 (2): "...some very fine people on both sides" said Trump of a violent Nazi rally.

2017 (3): Trump said people from Haiti "all have AIDS" and people from Nigeria would never “go back to their huts” after seeing America.

2018 (1): Trump called Haiti and African countries shitholes.

2018 (2): Trump referenced the trail of tears to mock Elizabeth Warren.

2019: Trump tweeted that four black and brown congresswomen should go back where they came from. Then attacked Elijah Cummings. Then Baltimore. Then Al Sharpton.

2020: Trump called black protesters "THUGS" just days after calling white protesters "very good people." Then he threatened to direct the military to shoot the black protestors in the street.”-Translate Trump

[losthunx]

We all should be entitled to the right to live.

[losthunx]

trump really rolled back healthcare protections for lgbt people during pride month AND on the day of the 4 year anniversary of the pulse nightclub shooting. i don’t know why i’m even shocked at this point but i still feel physically ill

[losthunx]

IGNORE EVERYTHING BENEATH THIS. THANKS

[losthunx]

so I have a writing/rant tumblr..this is where my works will be. https://www.instagram.com/p/CA-qQtWJOiyHcBYfyilGi-JjSt4banWujQHfeM0/?igshid=1wo3syyvchzsu

[losthunx]

Hi, these last few days have been kinda sucky...and I don’t wanna feel sucky anymore. Most of my confidence, I derive from everyone else because it’s easy and it fits. ( also probably because of trauma, if that’s the proper word to use..) I think as a young child, I was mistreated enough to feel like I needed to have everyone else’s approval, except for my own. I still struggle with that to this day, I think. And because of it, I want people, especially people that I treasure or that I vocally approve of, and support frequently, to do the same for me. However, I know I can’t depend on people, because people have a tendency to let others down. It’ s not a good situation to be in, and I don’t like being in it. Plus, I’ve heard from very influential people in my life, that I’m draining, and I’ve heard things that hurt even more said to my face, as if I’m always the problem. And, if I am, or because I am, I always seem to apologize, I guess, but at the same time, it feels unfair because these people don’t know why I do the things I do, and they don’t know my circumstances, so why must I always be fully at fault, and carry all the blame in these situations? I don’t know. My life currently, is quite chaotic. I don’t have my phone, so I have to use the family laptop, and work extra hard because of a family excursion I’ll be going on. also, the source of my lack of self-esteem currently, has been getting more intense, and stressful. In the middle of said source, I started like, sobbing. It wasn’t fun, to say the least. And, because this source is a group source, and I’m not the best in it, I find myself wondering if all the other people who are a part of this source, think I’m weak now. It’s not a fun thought. I think maybe, I just need to accept that the way I look is the way I look, and make amends with it, but it’s increasingly hard when you’re surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by. Also, this isn’t me trying to catch attention, or people coddled, bc I understand that that would be a case of instant gratification, that wouldn’t last, and therefore, isn’t really worth my time. Since I’m mostly done, I’m signing off.

Good Night

losthunx

[losthunx]

hidden emotions & lost feelings

there is a girl in my heart 

she is me

in skintone, in voice, in heart

she is full.

full of the love she doesn’t quite know

how to express

and the happiness that she hasn’t yet realized

she is wise.

wise in the ways brutality can’ t be. 

softness is not her name, but it is her feeling

skin, hands, cheeks, heart

all soft to the touch

easy to destroy 

there is a girl in my heart

and I think she’s trying

to show herself.

[losthunx]

Father’s Day

we have come a long way

from screaming and fights

and constant accusations

this father’s day

will be better

I will make sure of it.

[losthunx]

061619

a home and a child and fresh cooked grits with music playing on a sunday; is not fatherhood. But you - us - with our broken down home that we just bought, cereal for breakfast, sunlight. a first-born, and then suddenly, a second-born, and love. love. love makes you a father, and welcomes you to fatherhood.

[losthunx]

Reblog for 3 years of luck or else..

[losthunx]

Reblog if you’re Black for good luck

[losthunx]

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

awe; how old are you?

baby; favorite color?

bloop; spirit animal?

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

bright; mermaids or fairies?

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

buttercup; showers or baths?

butterfly; dream destination?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

calm; favorite scent?

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

charming; have you ever been in love?

cozy; eye/hair color?

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

daylight; favorite album of all time?

dear; zodiac sign?

delightful; concerts or museums?

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

dobby; dream job?

doll; how do you like to dress?

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

fairy; do you have a pet?

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

forever; where do you feel time stop?

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

garden; how many languages do you know?

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

heart; silk or lace?

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

kinky; do you blush easily?

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

love; what is your favorite season and why?

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

magic; what are five flaws you have?

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

shine; art or music?

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

smitten; do you collect anything?

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

soothe; digital or vinyl?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

[losthunx]

today, I realized that I wasn't apologizing for you. I didn't apologize for you. I apologized for me. because I deserve that shit. that wake up and feel free shit. that never have to think about a bitch again, never have to worry again, never have to quiet myself again, shit. call me selfish, call me whatever the fuck you want, but if my humble apology fails, then I'll just tell it as it is. I used to hate your ass, I used to hope you choked. but I'm happy now, and the shit you did can't reach me anymore. I can make memories that matter, have happiness that sits happily on my tongue, complacent, malleable, like I used to be for you.

[losthunx]

since this is how we ended, I won't complain too much. but I will hope, for a situation that could be written above us. peace. if the universe is willing, peace is all I ask. though I want to be close to you and hear your laugh and have to talk to me, I have found that my attachment to you is less of an attachment and a willing rememberance. soon, it will be less than that. and I will be free. and you will be you. and I will fly. and when you see me, you'll see who I was always meant to be, instead of someone I was for you.

[losthunx]

Pictured: Students protesting. Photography courtesy of the Asian American Federation

APAHM Spotlight: Asian American Federation

As part of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, we’re highlighting some amazing organizations that are positively impacting the community. Asian American Federation is a pan-Asian nonprofit leadership organization that represents and supports a network of 70 Asian American community service organizations in New York. They’re focusing on mental health needs in the Asian American community, as a whole, as it’s been affecting a lot of people in the community. We sat down with Deputy Director Joo Han.

The Asian/Pacific Islander community is not monolithic. What are some common misconceptions about this ethnic group?

The Asian American community comprises 16 ethnic groups (including the Arab community who are included in our research) — that speak over 36 Asian languages.

The model minority myth really obscures the diversity and need in the community. For example, Asians are the poorest racial group in New York City, with 25 percent living in poverty (a rate that grew by 44 percent from 2000 to 2016). The majority, or 70 percent, are immigrants, with 70 percent also having limited English proficiency. If you disaggregate the data, you’ll also see that some Asian groups, like Cambodian, Laotian, and Hmong, have higher status dropout rates (the percent of 16-24 year olds who aren’t enrolled in school and don’t have a high school diploma) than non-Hispanic Whites.

Mental Health is a journey that many of us go through. Unfortunately, many people of color do not have the accessibility for mental health/resources. How is the stigma towards mental health hurtful in the Asian/Pacific Islander community?

Deep cultural stigma is one of the greatest barriers to accessing mental health services in the Asian American community.

A study found that even though a higher percentage of Asian American high school and college students reported experiencing depressive symptoms compared to their White counterparts, Asian Americans are the least likely group to report, seek, and receive medical help for depressive symptoms due to cultural stigma. This stigma stems from the belief that mental healthcare is “only for crazy people” — or the seriously ill — and comes from honor/shame cultures that suppress negative experiences in order to “save face” or not be a burden to others.

Also, Asian Americans, who bear the additional burdens of the model minority myth and imposter syndrome, can further feel they are “weak” or “inadequate” when they struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, and so forth, which may deter them from reaching out for help.

How can we de-stigmatize mental health needs?

One of the best ways that we can de-stigmatize mental health needs is to develop and spread mental health literacy. Part of spreading mental health literacy also comes from sharing our own stories about how mental illness has touched our lives, whether personally or through a family member or friend, so that we can normalize mental healthcare as we would physical healthcare.

Pictured: AAF’s Executive Director Jo-Ann Yoo & New York Council members. Photography courtesy of the Asian American Federation

How can people continue to support the Asian/Pacific Islander community?

Plug into Asian-led, Asian-serving community-based organizations where you live. There is tremendous need for Asian Americans who can commit their time, expertise, and resources to serving the fastest-growing population in the U.S. And really commit—by volunteering to teach a class in something you’re skilled at, joining a board, or offering to hold a fundraiser. By serving the community, you’re actually investing in resources that will uplift you, your family, and the community as a whole.

Thank you for your time, Joo Han. We appreciate all your work with the Asian American Federation. Tumblr, how do you handle your mental health as a person of color? Use the hashtag #APAHM to share your story.