#Genuinely happy and proud to those who worked hard for that success-- an ugly thought whispers to me thinking why cant I have the same

[sunlit-mess]

I can only take so much, but lately, they have replaced my reflection. And realize I'm just as bad as them.

[frillshark-fr]

How do you get people to always buy your dragons? Genuine question

i was gonna say something like “haha i have no fucking clue” but that would be a lie i think about this a lot actually so i might have some insights i’ve been breeding dragons as my primary activity on FR since i started playing FR (in 2014...) and people have only started actually buying dragons from me consistently like, 5-6 months ago, despite 2-3 attempts at running a genuine hatchery onsite that always died due to lack of interest & not really being worth the effort. 

so ive thought a lot about what the hell is happening now and why my dragons are suddenly consistently selling and I think ive come down to these being the main points of advice i can give: 1. make friends! be friendly! don’t be weird! be a cool and fun person to interact with! 2. post consistently. post your dragons consistently. post about other stuff consistently. just be an active member of the community 3. POST YOUR SHIT IN THE “#FLIGHT RISING” TAG. THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY TRUELY HELPFUL THING I SAY IN THIS POST 4. make pairs that are sexy as hell and be openly proud of them. make dragons and pairs that you like, not what you think will necessarily sell. people can tell when you like stuff and being genuinely passionate about something, whatever the fuck it is, will get other people passionate as well longer versions/explanations under the cut because man this got a mile long. i wasn’t kidding when i said i think about this a lot and i am so sorry if you wanted something concise and useful

1. to be a little glib. i am mutuals/friends with more clout in the FR community than I do kjdshfdsfdhjhkfdf shoutout to everyone who draws their dragons really good on a regular basis because i am riding on your coattails to sell my dragons. i love you this was never my intent, obviously! DO NOT BEFRIEND PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU WILL GET STUFF FROM THEM IT’S JUST A REALLY BAD THING TO DO TO PEOPLE!!! i wouldn’t be friends w/ people if i didn’t genuinely like and get along with them! no amount of pixel cash is worth putting up with people you dont like or abusing people you admire!  but i’d also somehow feel wrong to just... neglect mentioning this factor. idk it’s probably a self-esteem thing sjdkgfhdsf i just Don’t feel like my #success has been totally out of my own effort because its not like im #hustling or whatever i just posted dragons and stuff happened

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2. being consistent! just. posting consistently! posting Every Hatchling I Have and Talking About Them On Tumblr!  Once I had a couple nests just sell super fast likely due to aforementioned clout, i was emboldened to just post more of my nests more often and I swear this has more effect than anything else. i just needed the self-esteem boost to Start Doing That posting consistently makes ppl follow u for ur content which gets even more people to look at your dragons which gets more people to buy your dragons.

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2a. Also just post a lot in general, even if you aren’t necessarily posting about your dragons for sale. it definitely helps! just be friendly and active and people will come

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3. post your shit in the tag. not in “#dragon-sales” or “#fr-dragon-sales” or anything weird like that because I don’t know if anyone actually looks at those, but people definitely browse “#flight rising”. no matter how many followers you have, more people will see your content if you post it in #flight rising than if you just chuck it into the void. 

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3a. however! do not put links into the post if you want it to actually show up in the tag. tumblr is cool in that it doesn’t actually matter that much when you post something, the same way it really matters on twitter bc twitter has algorithms that decide for you what it thinks you want to be seeing whereas tumblr just shows you everything in chronological order. if you post something into the tag at 1am... it will still be there at 2pm when people log on and start scrolling.

the only thing tumblr seems to consistently hide from a tag (and possibly a dashboard, but idk) are posts with links in them, as a half-assed attempt to limit spam. instead of linking to your sales tab/to the dragons directly in the post, reblog it with the links instead. to reduce latency between a post going up and the links being available, i type out the links in the initial post, cut them, post the thing into the tag, then very quickly reblog, paste the links, and post the reblog jdhfsdf. i don’t know if that benefits anything really? but it can sometimes take me a while to type links, so if i posted, pressed reblog, typed up all the links, then posted, it’d be like ~15 minutes where someone may see the post, think “oh i would like to buy those dragons”, then can’t find the link, think “oh well, i will just find it later”, scroll on, and just... completely forget about it. so uh. go quick?

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3b. the armchair sociologist in me also thinks self-reblogging has the added benefit of like... you know how people are more likely to tip a barista when a dollar is already in the tip jar? or how people are more likely to take one of those little tabs on a flyer if one of them is already missing? i think that works with notes, too. i don’t know why i think that or why it happens i just swear once a post gets 1 note, suddenly it gets Even More Notes, and if it doesn’t get any notes for a while it will sit at 0 notes until the end of time. so giving yourself 1 obligatory note makes people more likely to interact. i think

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4. all of these are hard to quantify but this one is especially so: have cool and unique dragons. make your pairs sexy as hell. don’t put all your eggs (hah) into the one basket of selling dragons that are technically “popular”. we have all seen triple white/triple obsidian/triple orca/triple any other popular colors and cherub/pere/stained or wasp/bee/glim pthahlos or whatever. they’re pretty! we get it! but everyone has had one and everyone has had those pairs and market for dragons like that can be super oversaturated. try to break free from that and sell dragons that people can only get from you. I can’t tell you what to do though bc that rly depends on you. make pairs that you find exciting or interesting and people will feel that. i have a very specific theme and aesthetic that i don’t feel like is especially common on FR and i am genuinely very enthusiastic about it. marine shit is my Thing:tm: both on and off FR and dragons are one of my many ways of expressing that   if you have a Thing:tm:, either some fr-centric aesthetic (like being super into plague or earth or light or something) or something more general (such as any of the -punks or -cores)... just fuckin roll with it honestly. if you’re goth? make got h dragons. like scene stuff that looks straight out of a middle school in 2010? rock that hot-topic lair. outdoorsey type? make dragons that look like you’d meet them on a hike in the woods. it really works with anything!  people can tell when you really love something and i know that seeing someone really love something, even if it’s not necessarily MY thing, makes me really excited too!! 

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4a. never show fear. people can smell fear. never be like “well this one isn’t that good” because suddenly now you’ve planted the idea that it’s ugly in other people’s heads when they may have really liked it had you not accidentally suggested to them that it’s an ugly dragon. people are EXTREMELY suggestible to even VERY minor cues so be always a little bit bolder than you think you should be you’d be surprised at how many times ive been like “eh, this one’s kind of a dud, i’ll probably have to exalt this one when the auction expires” and then that hatchling is the first to sell. never ever ever ever decide what other people like for them. always act like your dragons are the hottest shit in all the land and Believe It. this is what people mean when they say “fake it till you make it”

- 4b. also, idk if it’s true of everyone but it’s really off-putting to see someone having serious pity-parties for themselves, on sales posts or otherwise. ive had bad experiences with people who are uncomfortably quick to self-depreciate (because they were using their genuine self-hatred to manipulate me or my friends), so i might be a little more trigger-happy about avoiding this behavior than others, but don’t weaponize your sadness to guilt people into doing what you want. it’s really not cool.

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okay i think that’s my entire manifesto on how i do dragon selling. anon i am so sorry im sure you were expecting like “believe in yourself :)” and here i am dissecting dragon selling like it’s a frog in a science class

edit: AFTER ALL THAT I STILL THOUGHT OF ONE MORE THING. It’s not really a Point, just a Reminder:

i don’t post about all the times i have to exalt dragons that don’t sell. you are seeing me being very selective about what i post. you dont sit and stare at my lair or click through offspring lists or check old sales posts. there are a lot of times where someone just doesn’t sell. even now when i’m selling stuff pretty consistently i will still sometimes have dragons that don’t sell for seemingly no reason. even dragons I think are sure to sell will sometimes just... not. and that’s ok! you gotta just be.. ok with that. it’s par for the course. i typically list dragons for 7 days on the AH, give them a couple more days after their auction expires (partially because i forget, partially to give them a grace period for people to pm/ask me about them), and then exalt them after that point. w/ some dragons that i don’t think got a fair shake for one reason or another (such as the sales post not showing up in the tag or something) i do a little clearance (like the halloween dragons i recently posted) but for the most part if they don’t sell, i just exalt them. 90% of the time i don’t even bother to level them up i just press the exalt button and call it a day. it’s fine

[pxrxllel]

inner child trauma (11/12/20)

Today was filled with epiphanies, and I’m a mix of excited, at peace, and anxious about all the answers they’re providing.

Yesterday I watched a webinar on self-love and self-sabotaging in the context of romantic relationships, and here were some of the key points:

Who did you crave love and approval from the most as a child?

Your relationship with your parents and your needs being met/unmet subconsciously create emotional patterns that you take into your adult relationships. Therefore, your relationships are a reflection of how your needs were met by your parents.

When you have a wounded inner child, you are fixated on ensuring the outcome that you expect. The energy you take into the relationship is based on fear and control.

You’re trying to protect your wounded Inner Child by controlling the outcome, to avoid being hurt again.

I’ve taken the attachment styles quiz and for the most part, I come out as being anxious. I know I definitely tend to take on the role of the mother/therapist/fixer upper in my relationships (which has usually ended up with me becoming avoidant after a while due to resentment), but I’ve also had some where I didn’t feel the need to and I became clingy instead. So maybe that’s me yoyo-ing between the two, which I think the webinar described as being disorganised. 

I’m keenly aware that I have a rich history of needing external validation, because approval was never received from my parents. I was never emotionally applauded for anything I did - in fact, my parents nitpicked me to the point where I was made to feel innately wrong. It’s hard to not be angry about it, but it’s even worse to hold that against them because it won’t help me make progress. A large part of the validation was being called fat and ugly, which may be why I’ve been so reliant on compliments about my appearance all throughout my life, and even still since I’ve become objectively attractive. My father and some extended family always framed it as not being pretty enough to attract boys, which I’ve previously established as the key reason why I clung onto compliments and relationships and used sexual attention from men as a metric for self-worth. I’m just also starting to realise that perhaps it’s why I took sexual rejection from my previous relationship so personally - I was still unconvinced that he was attracted to me and the rejection only confirmed that I wasn’t desirable in that way (or that’s how my mind attributed it anyway). 

I think I made that realisation about my dependence on external validation in 2018/19. Since then, I’ve actively worked to disempower that, and I’ve largely been successful. I hardly ever use my appearance or compliments as a success metric anymore. I don’t fish for compliments or check for likes half as much as I used to. And it’s sort of been a self-fulfilling prophecy; the less I cared, the more they came and I genuinely feel OK about myself. I believe people now when they say nice things about me.

The point about fear and control is really interesting to me because looking back, I definitely was trying to be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend and looked for verbal validation (in the form of compliments, how much it seemed like he was into me) that I was doing a good job. I used to be so sensitive to any changes in the temperature of the relationship, and would melt down easily and take it personally if his demeanour cooled down even in the slightest. When I felt him slipping, I would hastily try to overcompensate out of fear for losing him, which I now know is a recipe for backfire. It’s also interesting because I’ve realised that I’m modelling ‘perfect girlfriend’ after my mother. My mother is a voice of reason/wisdom, emotional support cushion, physical support cushion, service-oriented, problem solver, domestic goddess, and all around superstar. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with those things, and not necessarily wrong for me to aspire to those things, but maybe it’s wrong for me to uphold that as the be all and end all of girlfriend material and then get annoyed when it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. 

Speaking of mirroring, it’s really interesting how accurate it is... a bit too much that it’s creepy. I never heeded it much before, and especially not when my therapist brought it up as something to flag, but I’ve come to the realisation that mine and Jarek’s relationship almost exactly mirrors my parents’ marriage. The long distance thing, and the fact that I feel like my parents aren’t each other’s soulmates. They care about each other a lot obviously, but I feel like my mom relies on my dad for practical reasons (kids and money - she’s much more comfortable playing the role of a mother than a wife) and my dad relies on her for emotional support and all the reasons listed above. Don’t get me wrong, they clearly enjoy each other’s company and get along, but I don’t think they have the X factor that I observe in other couples and what I think I look for. They don’t really have the natural, seamless, deep, almost magical affinity that I’ve been so lucky to experience a handful of times in my life. They don’t naturally understand each other. I think perhaps pragmatic marriages are more common or accepted in Asian cultures and worldviews, but for those of us that grew up in Western cultures, we see the romanticised version of these things and can’t help but want for more. It’s also interesting because I’ve always wondered what it would have been like if my parents weren’t in a long distance marriage/what it’ll be like when they retire and move in together. I always thought that maybe they would get sick of each other and argue more, but I can’t say for sure (plus, they’ve mellowed out a lot as they’ve aged). 

This relates to me and Jarek because I feel like our dynamic is really similar. I care about him so deeply and the way that it manifests is that I treat him the same way my mom treats my dad. I’m definitely more of a mom/therapist to him than I’d like to be - I’m sick of taking on the role of the fixer, although I think it’s neat to help people become self-aware of certain things or issues affecting them, I don’t really want to be the one holding their hand through their journey. And I think maybe the reason why I’m so stubborn about this relationship is that he represents what my dad is to my mom: Material security, stability, a comfortable life, America, all the boxes ticked. Even if he doesn’t understand me, and even if he doesn’t absolutely light me on fire, I’ve been accepting of it because I see how it works with my parents. And with them I know it can work, if I stay committed to the path. And I’ll be rewarded with my needs for security and safety and permanence met, which were not present for me emotionally as child - see how I’ve looped back to the beginning of this piece? And that’s also why I guess I feel so stable in this relationship: I know it well, I know how it goes and how it can end up, and I’m not grasping at fear or control to try to maintain the outcome because I already know what the outcome is. 

Jarek himself has a lot of childhood trauma too and his level of anxious attachment is far more severe than mine (I think I’m secure in some ways, too, esp ever since I actively worked on myself). His parents have a loveless marriage and he’s been emotionally neglected and felt unsafe in his family his whole life, so that’s something for him to work on and I honestly am not sure if we would be able to have a functional relationship if we were both still stuck in our ways.

I really truly think that because of this fixing issue I have, deep down I believe that until that’s cured, I can only be loved at arm’s length. Because if I get too close, I become too suffocating and overwhelming to be around because my fear kicks in and I start becoming controlling. So it would make sense then that the relationships I get tired of are the long distance ones and then everyone I do get (properly) close to in real life are the people I scare away with my intensity. This pattern makes total sense when taken into consideration with my childhood and how my parents are with each other. 

I would like to ask my mom these questions:

Do you think you and dad understand each other?

Why do you love him?

How do you think your marriage would be different if you weren’t long distance?

Have you ever wanted more from the marriage?

I’m quite proud of myself for coming to these conclusions without therapy, and I have a strong gut feeling I’m not wrong with any of these as it makes complete logical sense. And while it’s so good to have some clarity, context, explanations, and answers about all this, it doesn’t necessarily inform my next steps (although it can provide a guide). Knowing about these subconscious patterns and my emotional makeup means I can check myself according to my personal goals, but it doesn’t provide a template for my decision-making. I think that’s something I need to chew on more, as to where to go from here. I still need to figure out what I really want and what’s best for me and will make me happy. It’s hard because I don’t have a healthy relationship to look at and view as a model, so I don’t know what it should be like apart from relying on my gut and perceptions.

However, I accept that although the answers may be not what I want and I may have to make some tough decisions, it’s ultimately the right thing to do for my own wellbeing and happiness, and that of everyone else as well.

[mimiplaysgames]

they glimmer in the dark

Terraqua Week Day 6: Stormy Weather

Summary: They’ve done so well to move on, but reminders of Xehanort and what has happened to them keep rearing their ugly heads. Aqua has a really bad day. 

Notes: This is my second (2nd) fic for today!!! It was a lot of hard work getting both of these out for today but I’m so happy that I pulled it off. I hope it’s enjoyable! @terraquaweek

Read on AO3

***

When a bad day occurs, it can happen without reason. What starts as a normal breakfast can become a yell down the hall, spooked by an imaginary shadow too dark for the morning.

Sometimes, there’s a perfectly good explanation.

Aqua likes to manage breakfast on her own: getting up bright and early to focus on something menial - instead of whatever dream she had last night - is productive. She’ll usually leave Terra to sleep in, always out the door by the time he’s searching the bed for her. 

It’s therapeutic: eggs in an egg-sized skillet to push the bad dreams of last night away; the smell of crispy bacon with extra pepper to make her forget the Master’s passing. It’s always short-lived but the kitchen is a holy space that does wonders for her mind. 

Unbeknownst to her so far, today will be a bad day. She’ll see it the moment she walks through the door to the Master’s office.

“Terra, you ok?”

It’s the twisted nose, the furrowed eyebrows, the grit of his teeth. He’s about to cry, looking at a humongous leather bound book that she’s never seen before.

“I try my best not to think about it,” Terra says. He looks like he’s about to pulverize something with his fists, his breath building rage the more he exhales. “It’s like he’s mocking me.”

He shuts the book, slams it on the Master’s old mahogany desk, shaking the glasses, shuffling the statuettes, making the pens roll off the counter, in a deafening collision. 

It’s so loud that Aqua nearly takes a step back, like she’s preparing for an attack, but she keeps still. Makes sure the food in the stray is still in order. 

Terra sometimes doesn’t know his own strength. His hand covers his face, and she hears soft, dry sobs. He walks himself to the window, and leans on it. If he needs a breath of fresh air, he doesn’t let himself have it, rubbing the back of his head, near the nape of his neck.

That’s where he has streaks of white hair. She often catches him looking into the mirror at them, but telling him that he wears it well doesn’t comfort him much.

She gently places the tray on the coffee table, careful not to make any noise as though it would trigger another explosion.

Ignoring the mess on the Master’s desk, she opens the book. Of course he’d get this mad, her own face is cold.

A photo album. The pages in front of her open to the Master in his youth - they’ve never seen a photo of him this young. Master was always a private man, and seldom spoke of the friends he had or the shenanigans he pulled (if he ever did, it’s hard to think of him as mischievous). 

At some point, they understood that the friend Eraqus held dearest was indeed Xehanort, but this is different. There is one photo, sepia-toned, with the young Master giving a toothy smile to the camera next to a happy, darker-skinned boy with pure white hair. Judging from it, Xehanort doesn’t look like someone who wanted to harm kids or murder their father-figure.

Aqua can only stare for so long, shutting the book (very quietly). 

Terra keeps to the window, watching dark clouds looming over the horizon. His shoulders are hunched over, and he’s grabbing one bicep like he’s doing a poor job of comforting himself.

“I’ll take care of it,” Aqua says.

It wakes him up from his stupor, and he immediately turns back to the desk, rubbing a headache from his forehead. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, reaching out for the photo album. “I should be the one to-”

She pulls it away from his grasp. “No, I can handle it-”

“I found it. My responsibility.”

“I’ll fight you for it.” She smirks - it’s a tired smirk from a tired young Master, who’s been through this hurricane of emotions too many times to count, so the best defense is a little joke just to see the end of the storm. 

One of his palms leans on the desk, the other on his hip. His smile is just as exhausted. “You’ll fight me for it?”

“A duel, winner takes the book.”

“Or,” he drawls out, “I can suck it up and not get upset over something so stupid.” His hand extends again, asking for it. 

She doesn’t know who he’s kidding. If teasing him doesn’t make him genuinely smile, then no amount of self-sabotage is going to make it any better for him. His eyes are puffy and deep, from crying, from lack of sleep, from too many mornings where he finds it hard to get up. He needs a break. 

“Like I said, I will take care of it,” she repeats, which a pinch of authority to her voice. “Master’s orders.”

Relief flashes in his eyes before they trade for guilt. But he accepts, nodding off whatever intrusive thoughts going through his mind right now. “You are the Master.” He bows casually, before taking her hand and lifting it to his lips.

He’s grateful she’s doing this for him. She feels it in the strength of his grip, in the lingering of his lips over her knuckles before he rests his forehead on them. 

~*~*~*~

The attic in the eastern tower is a ghost town.

Colors splash on the wooden floor from the sunlight beaming through the stained glass window, and it creaks when she steps. There are a lot of artifacts here: ugly statues, old furniture draped in sheets, locked chests with unknown wonders. They used to sneak up here when they first acquired Keyblades to see if they can use the magic to unlock them. It never worked. 

They started a chest of their own for some of the Master’s belongings - the ones they still have sentimental attachment to. It’s a hard balance - Terra is really indecisive about which things to get rid of while Ventus would rather not deal with it at all and has procrastinated in cleaning out. Aqua has really been the one to do the proactive thing, to make the castle like new so they wouldn’t be so haunted by memories.

She finds a wooden stool and takes a seat. It really isn’t healthy for her to take a peek, but it sits there on her lap - a literal diary of the Master’s life. 

The cover is made out of an ornate dark leather, in peak physical condition, but not because the Master neglected it. No, if it was something he didn’t need, he would have tossed it away, not keep it in his office. The book is in stunning condition because he treasured it.

Aqua opens the book and peers into his childhood. She doesn’t remember him smiling so much, and the sight of it pulls her into a smile - Eraqus used to have such a round, baby-like face, it’s almost like she’s looking at a different person. 

Then there is Xehanort, with an ambitious grin and proud attitude, like he knows he looks good in photos. Aqua almost gets the feeling that even though he looks at the camera, he’s really looking far away, like he’s always dreaming of something else. Terra often does the same. 

Most of the photos are of both of them: some are candid, catching them in mid-laughter and many are portraits in their uniforms through the years, as if their own Master commanded them to look serious. 

It’s eerie, though. Here, they are captured playing chess together, on the same chess board the Master used to teach the three of them. Here, they are fishing at the same river she and Terra would hike to. Here, skinning a snake, when the Master took plenty of time to teach all of them these same survival skills. No matter what they have done with the Master, he’s done it with Xehanort first.

Which isn’t fair, they have loved Eraqus far more than Xehanort was ever capable of feeling.

Further into the pages, things get more serious. They grow up to be adults, posing for photos in handshakes like they are officiating their success as Keyblade Masters. That youthful spunk within Eraqus is gone, like the books have tired him out too much. Xehanort is distant, eyes out the window or in a book, mind somewhere else, like nothing will stop him anymore.

Then time skips, as though the Master stopped taking pictures for several years. She flips onto the next page and these photos are now in color, albeit a little faded. 

Eraqus at least smiles again, now with a fresh scar on his face, holding a brimming six-year-old Terra in his arms, like father and son. 

She’s forgotten what Terra looked like when he was little: cheeks round, eyes huge, toothy grin uninhibited. Her own baby cheeks are even rounder, like she has a ball for a face, and suddenly the album is full of photos of her and Terra, playing in the dirt, opening birthday presents, taking baths together. 

There’s a particular one she remembers: her seventh birthday, and a nine-year-old Terra is feeding her a handful of cake. That’s right, he had always taken her in like something that needed to be taken care of.

Now it’s a timeline of Eraqus the proud father, with photos of his star students playing chess, on hikes, learning to hunt, sparring. She remembers some of them, especially the ones where Eraqus wanted to make them more formal, giving them proper Keybearer robes and telling them, for the fifth time, to Stop fooling around and please gaze at the camera with a professional expression. Those robes were ugly - she’s glad they can choose to make their own uniforms. 

Now Ventus comes into play, finger-painting after he first arrived to the Land of Departure, when he was still sick, and brimming at the lens and making stupid faces with Terra. She never thought that the Master would have found these amusing but here they are. 

She stops at one with the three of them - another official portrait, his pupils standing formally at the front steps to the castle. Ventus at the front and lower step, with Terra’s hand on his right shoulder and Aqua’s on his left. This was taken weeks before the Mark of Mastery, and it’s the last photo on the album.

Wait a moment, there’s one more - a candid taken at the same moment, like a behind-the-scenes look. Ventus has cracked some joke because he’s lurched forward, holding his stomach. Aqua holds her head backward, her mouth open in laughter. And then there is Terra - it’s the way Terra is looking at Aqua in this photo. The camera knows in on his secret, how pleased he is that she’s happy, how adoring he is of her teeth and her squinted eyes. It takes her back to the one where he’s feeding her cake - he’s always loved her, for years. 

When Aqua gets to the end, she’s witnessed two different lives, immortalized. 

That’s what they all need, to immortalize him. There’s plenty of good photos to choose from. She focuses mainly on the ones that include all four of them, ones that are of the Master only, looking polished, looking regal, looking as hardcore as they know him to be with hard stares in his eyes but a gentle smile behind his mustache. 

Then there are the youthful ones… definitely not any with Xehanort. She almost has an inkling to cut Xehanort out of them, but that doesn’t seem right. His past made Master Eraqus the man he died as, and ritualizing it like it never happened is disrespectful to his memory. It leaves her with slim pickings for his youth, but there are a couple - even one with him wearing a smile as big as Ven’s. 

Now she has a nice stack of pictures in her hand, ready to finally close the book. Her throat by this point is dry and her heart hurts, but she keeps pushing the feeling away because it’s useless to her. 

The album will rest in this chest among other artifacts. Aqua cannot tell a single story behind any of these other objects from Masters of the past, and she wishes she remembers what Eraqus had to say about them - they’re now nameless junk, with all sentimentality attached to them gone. But it will be the same for him now, right? For all of them? 

One day, the present will be a passing memory, just like everything else in this room, locked away, without a story to tell future Keyblade Masters who will never hear of Master Eraqus.

They’ll read boring history lessons of Xehanort’s dictatorship, and look at him as some blip in a bunch of words on a page. 

Terra, Aqua, and Ventus may be the same, passing names in a book that might cover the second Keyblade War, if they are even mentioned at all. 

But it’s better this way, carefully laying the photo album in the chest on top of other dusty books and fastening it tight. She has to keep the past where it belongs. 

~*~*~*~

She’s put each photo into its own simple, wooden frame. They look more elegant this way. “We can hang them around the castle,” she says.

The picture of Terra feeding her birthday cake relieves him, almost like it erases every dark memory he has, and lets him start anew. He holds it in his hands. “I remember this,” he says, stealing glances at her. “You’ve barely changed.”

It almost sounds like he’s about to pinch her cheeks. She smacks his arm. “I have ones of the Master, too.”

Ven’s favorite is a photo of a younger Eraqus, sitting on a windowsill with half a chessboard in the shot. He lifts it next to his own face, like he’s comparing the two of them. “He smiles like me, don’t you think?”

Terra prefers an older portrait, with the Master looking stern at something off-camera, almost like he was instructed to do so by the photographer. Despite how serious it is, it makes Terra smile. “This is how I remember him.”

They don’t talk much about the rest, the ones she put away. Terra doesn’t ask, and Ventus is oblivious. She wants to talk about them - she wants to let go of the weight that is too heavy in her chest, it’s already sinking into her stomach. But she holds her breath instead of vomiting, because to make them frown would make her feel worse.

She feels a gentle rub on the sway of her back, Terra giving her a silent acknowledgement of comfort as he sorts through more frames.

The photos make them happy, and that justifies everything.

~*~*~*~

She keeps for herself the candid portrait of the three of them and places it on her vanity, studying it. Ventus and Aqua enjoying themselves, oblivious to the fact that Terra is realizing he is in love. 

It’s time to retire for the night. A storm swirls outside her window, knocking pelts of rain against the glass, making the night darker than it really should be. She’s brushing her hair so many times, she’s lucky she hasn’t balded herself - it’s not like she’s doing it on purpose. She’s just somewhere else.

They should all do another portrait, the three of them starting a new life together. Maybe in the exact same spot, on the steps in front of the castle. They’ll have to ask someone else to take it for them.

Suddenly she realizes that she never went to look for the old camera. She should.

Suddenly she realizes that she doesn’t have a picture of the Master here, but should she, in the very bedroom she shares with Terra?

Suddenly she wonders if maybe she should keep a photo of him in her dresser, to take out when she feels too alone to bother Terra about it.

She’s sure the Master wouldn’t mind and suddenly she realizes that she should ask him for his blessing but she never will be able to, and she remembers they’ll never play chess again, and they’ll never go fishing with him again.

Aqua has spent quite some time being numb to it all, and she thought she left that apathy behind in the Realm of Darkness.

The rain pours in two places, one cold against her window and the other warm on her cheek, and the last thing she wants to deal with right now is Terra walking in on her like this. 

So Master Aqua runs, down dark hallways so she wouldn’t be easily caught, out the back exit of the castle, into the onslaught of rainwater, through the gardens, out in the fields where tall lanterns only light some of the way. 

She stands under one of them, a halo of light on the ground, like a barrier around her feet against the shadows that turn the grass black. Not that it would protect her from anything.

The rain is freezing, as is all mountain rain, forcing her to shiver until it hurts and the pain seeps into her bones.

But it’s freeing to feel pain like this, so remarkably different than the gut-wrenching cavity that crying carves out of her. It wakes her up from her mind, which by itself is like a cage sometimes, opening the door for her to remember that there’s more to life than sobbing. 

It thunders, and it freaks her out - this is a sign that things have become quite dangerous on the mountain, but at least the threat against her life is nothing like twelve years of fighting Heartless. 

She runs, not back home but towards the caves, where it’s even colder so she can hear it downpour and hear her shivering breath and feel how vulnerable she is in the wild. It almost makes her heart warm even though goosebumps cover her skin. At least she won’t get struck by lightning here.

Eventually her hands go numb, not responding very well when she rubs them together, but this is still preferable than crying.

“Aqua?”

A cloaked figure approaches the cave, his hood up so it hides his face and the black leather drags all the way down to his shoes. His hand keeps his balance as he leans into the entrance, bent over to peer inside because it’s so hard to see.

“Terra.” She has to yell, the rain is so loud.

He now has reason to step inside, pulling the hood off. Of course he doesn’t have an umbrella with him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, and there’s so many words to that question. Why didn’t you bundle yourself up first, you’re so cold, you poor thing, are you ok?

Her breath hitches and her whole body by now is numb, giving up its fight against the frigidity and slowly accepting. “I just-”

He steps closer and she can finally see his eyes - too dark to look blue, but they’re soft at least. 

“I came out here to feel alive,” she says. 

“Come here.” He unzips his large cloak and opens it up, letting her grab him around the waist so he can cover her with him.

Leather is a miracle, a powerful material that insulates the heat and it’s all his, his breath behind his chest and his smell. Terra has been loving long black coats and jackets ever since they reunited, but she doesn’t complain about his new fashion sense. It looks good on him. 

He holds her tightly and he shivers, too, from her touch, cursing slightly in her hair like he just can’t believe but he doesn’t grumble about how drenched she is. 

“You know what makes me feel alive?” he asks.

A gentle hand grazes her chin and lifts her up for a kiss, warm and so wet they might as well be kissing underwater. But it speaks of understanding, like she doesn’t have to explain herself and he knows there will be crazier days than usual.

He lets go, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. “A hot bath for the both of us,” he says like that’s his real answer.

Sometimes she needs to let go, let him hold her up, and she knows this but she hates losing control. It’s something he nags her about all the time. She leans into his touch. “With lavender oil?”

“As much as you want.”

She’ll let go by letting him guide her back home even though it’s risky. They wait until the thunder is farther away but leave quickly enough before the downpour causes flooding. They have to waddle because they’re huddled in his cloak but it makes her laugh. It makes her feel like there’s a life worth living. 

She’ll let go when they’re in the tub together, suds and flowery scents and petals skating the water, the steam rising up to her nostrils. Relaxation travels up her body, starting with her toes to her neck, and her mind finally lets her be.

She’ll let go when he brushes her hair and leaves kisses on her shoulders. To live is really about the warmth, when the bad days end well.

[d-wntherabbithole]

To: My soulmate/friend/lover.

I hear you when you say you don’t want to live in a world where you don’t get what you feel you deserve.

I hear you when you speak your truth. I see you when you show me the scars I have made because of the masks I wore that robbed me of my vision.

I hear you and feel you. I love you outside of my own personal benefit. I love you more than just the love I gain back from you. I love you so truly I don’t need it back to genuinely feel it. I love you even when it isn’t convenient or in my favor.

I hold myself accountable for all the times I took for granted, everytime I was selfish, every single time I let my fears and ego create a false reality. All the pain I caused so many people I love.

I respect you, your thoughts, and feelings.

I know words can only be streatched so far. Where actions speak volumes and in the past my choices have conflicted heavily with my claims.

I have reach a place now where I have found a new faith within myself to being true. Finding lessons in every single miss step I have taken. Moving mountains within.

I accept I can not take back any of the things from the past that I have done, nor will I make any excuses for them. But what I will do is choose to move forward making wiser and healthier decisions.

I am sorry for ever hurting you, for not showing you how much I valued you and your love. Because man I do. I will speak this to you and the world till the end.

I am sorry for ever making you question yourself. For stripping you of your pride. Because what I want for you is to realize is you’re capable. That you deserve to be strong for the younger version of yourself that was so afraid and hurt as a little boy. That boy that was filled with anger and frustration because shit just wants right. That you are a wonderful person, worthy of success and greatness. Of all those awesome dreams and ideas you have shared with me. That I truly believe in you and value you, because I do and always will. I know I told you these things but never showed it enough with my own actions.

This journey of growth I have been on is about letting go of my old chains, taking control of my fucking life and choosing happiness and peace. But if I am being truthful our love was never apart of those chains. If anything it is what helped me see my true reflection, for all its darkness & beauty. Loving you is effortless and it has shown me the world from a different lens.

So lover this is me now. Knowing life is complicated and messy. But still here trying to own me, no longer making excuses for the past. Knowing and respecting how you feeling, allowing you to feel it without trying to change the narrative.

Nonetheless my love for you runs as deep as the ocean. Even with moving forward with all these changes my soul has faith in our love. She believes you’re worthy of her love, through all the ugly you have seen she believes you deserve to feel what she is really capable of, she believes strongly it is yours to have one day again. Love is risky but it is worth it. I believe in love, especially the wild love we have. I will believe for the both of us. I still feel our connection so strongly and I know the universe has a plan. My heart sees many more beautiful chapters. But I understand I must put the book down for now. What is meant to be will be no matter what obstacles arise.

Through love I will continue to move forward, breaking chains and creating the life and head space I want and deserve. Showing up for me. Doing everything I set my mind too. Because I am worthy, I can say that now and truly feel it. I accept that I am flawed and I have made many many selfish mistakes but I am human. You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you. I am who I am working to be everyday, relentlessly.

My love let my actions speak now where words aren’t enough. I will go on loving you, deeply. Becoming the woman I am proud to stand tall in and with that I thank you for your love and ability to see me.

& if I face death tomorrow I will know that in the end I did everything through love and was lucky enough to feel a love like ours and have no shame to speak on it. Only you truly know how you feel deep down in your heart. Maybe I am alone on this boat of faith and love. But regardless I will carry on.

Here’s to me feeling and living authentically. Moving forward with courage and peace in my heart. Everyday relentlessly working towards bettering myself no matter how hard the days get. Shedding layers everyday. I have come so far and look forward to the rest of my life.

Yours truly, Gabriela. (BB)

1/1/20

>Our beautiful love<

I love this man with every ounce of my being. I can feel him in my bones. This love has given me purpose. I want to cherish this for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life loving this man. I hope one day we can move forward together, hand in hand. Growing by each other’s side, continuing to love one another. Till we get old and grey. I love you Baby bear.

[garywonghc]

Applying the Teachings

by His Holiness Penor Rinpoche

The most important thing is to have faith and trust in the Buddha’s words. The Buddha’s teachings were not taught to deceive us but to explain the way things actually are. Many people try to analyse the Buddha’s teachings, but how is it possible to scrutinise a Buddha’s qualities? We don’t even know what will happen tomorrow, or when we will die, or anything about our future lives, so how could we possibly examine the teachings of the Omniscient One? Since we are totally obscured by our strong disturbing emotions, in order to progress on the path toward enlightenment, we have no choice but to have faith in the Buddha’s teachings and apply them in our own lives.

The ability to practice Dharma depends on certain conditions. For example, this is a rare time during which the teachings of the Great Perfection are said to flourish. We’re very fortunate that through Padmasambhava’s blessings, such teachings have appeared and we’re able to receive them. We must have accumulated incredible merit and made fervent prayers very sincerely over numerous lifetimes to be able to encounter such amazing teachings now. Still, most people are just too involved in worldly activities to have time to practice the Dharma, and very few people in this world totally dedicate themselves to the teachings. Most people work for the sake of success in this life, to gain wealth, fame, power, and so on, but none of these worldly aims can liberate us from the suffering of samsara; in fact, they only create further conditions for ensuring that we remain in samsara for countless lifetimes to come.

Dharma is not just something to study — it must be put into practice. These days, most people study Dharma for a little while and then start to teach it to others, thinking they have a certain depth of realisation; however, without the realisation that arises through practice, one doesn’t actually know much at all.

This can’t be stressed enough: Dharma must be applied! By properly practicing over the years — your whole life, in fact — you can attain some accomplishment. If you are hungry, just talking about food and describing how delicious it tastes will not fill your stomach, but if you actually prepare a meal and eat it, your hunger will be satisfied. Similarly, just talking about the Dharma will not lead you to enlightenment. Just as eating food is necessary to satisfy your hunger, the teachings you receive must be applied to have any effect.

There’s a saying in Tibetan: “Someone who has a great deal of knowledge may become very proud, and someone who does a great deal of meditation practice may have strong afflicting emotions.” That is what happens when someone goes against the Dharma and doesn’t integrate their mind with the teachings. The spiritual path should be mingled with your mind stream to awaken your true nature; it should not be a source for boasting about your knowledge or experience. You can see by people’s conduct — the way they talk and walk, whether they are proud or humble, and whether they have tamed their emotions or not — if they really practice or not. If someone is very calm and doesn’t have many negative thoughts and emotions, that is a sign of a good practitioner. The more understanding of the Dharma one has, the more humble one should be; the more meditation one has done, the fewer disturbing emotions one should have.

Please remember that whether your studies and practice are effective or not depends on how much you actually integrate them into your life. At all times, try to watch your own mind to see how much your thoughts and conduct are in accord with the teachings. It’s very easy to notice someone else’s faults and criticise their practice, but instead you should turn your attention to your own thoughts and behaviour. It is very important to watch your own mind and check how much you really apply the practice — just look at how many emotions come up in the span of a few seconds! We constantly get carried away with worldly activities and distractions, spending time with our family and friends and working at our jobs; all this exhausts us and takes up our time, so we end up neglecting our Dharma practice. We tend to make the less important concerns the most important in our life, but the most important thing in this world is to practice Dharma until we attain ultimate enlightenment, isn’t it? Having food and clothing is a short-term necessity for this life, but we get so involved in our attachment to these things that we squander what little time we do have. We consider trivial matters more important than our Dharma practice, but when death comes, only practice will be of any benefit.

Now that we have obtained this precious human body, we should be sure not to squander this opportunity. There is no question that the sublime Dharma is far more important than mundane, worldly life. Mundane activity is bound to lead us to the lower realms. But if we sincerely engage in Dharma practice, we will be naturally guided to liberation and never to the lower realms. In particular, Dharma practice can get rid of our strong ego-clinging and afflictive emotions.

But getting rid of those is not like just peeling off your clothes and throwing them away. You’ve been cultivating your afflictive emotion for beginningless lifetimes, so unless you persevere in your practice for a very long time, it won’t be easy to reduce your afflictions and attachments. However, if you continuously practice in a steady manner, generating bodhichitta, faith, and devotion without any doubts, you can gradually progress.

You need to stabilise your Dharma practice by focusing on one practice with one-pointed mind. Dharma has to be practiced from the depths of your heart with great perseverance and in a very steady way, or it won’t be effective. Your practice has to be stabilised with stoutness of heart. In Tibetan, the term is nying ru, which literally means “heart bone.” It is said that when a courageous warrior dies, because he has been constantly at battle throughout his life, a small bone is found in his heart. Likewise, many practitioners with strong perseverance and diligence in the practice also have such stoutness of heart. Without that kind of perseverance, it will be hard to achieve any accomplishment.

Fortunately, the compassionate Buddha gave different levels of teachings to suit each person’s capacities and said, “My teaching has no owner and anyone can practice it; whether they are a king or a beggar, of high or low birth, rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, young or old, anyone who feels inspired and wishes to genuinely practice can attain ultimate happiness by correctly practicing my teachings.”

The Dharma is extremely vast, and the practices are as numerous as the stars in the sky, but thinking that one practice is better than another will only increase your concepts. It is like a child who picks a pretty flower only to throw it away as soon as she sees another one. If you continually discard one practice for another, you won’t be able to progress. It might be good to know many Dharma practices, but we don’t have time to practice them all, so it’s better to settle on one practice and stick with it to the end.

In the sutras, it is said that your Dharma knowledge may be as vast as all the volumes an elephant can carry on its back, but if you don’t apply it, you won’t be liberated. In Tibet, we have an animal called dremong, a type of brown bear. They usually dig in the earth and catch groundhogs in the forest and then kill them for their winter food. When they catch a groundhog, they sit on it so that it won’t escape. But when they get up to catch another one, the first one escapes. So though this bear might catch eight or nine groundhogs, most of them escape and it has just one left to eat. It’s the same with Dharma practice: you might know a little, but if you go off and chase one teaching after another, you will forget what you have already received and won’t apply it. Then there’s no benefit and the teaching becomes meaningless. Instead of chasing after teachings, you should apply what you have received and constantly train in it.

What is more, even though they have no realisation, many people think that they can teach others what they have learned. Although you may have received many empowerments and teachings, unless you have stabilised your practice, there can be no benefit in your teaching others. Only once you’ve stabilised your practice can there be any benefit in teaching. Just supplicating a stone will not give you jewels, but supplicating a wish-fulfilling gem can fulfill all wishes, and if you practice the Dharma correctly, you can become a wish-fulfilling gem that can fulfill others’ wishes. It’s all up to you and the amount of effort that you are willing to put into your own study and practice.

If you can apply the teachings and practice — not just when you attend retreats or visit a temple but throughout your daily life — then your efforts will not be in vain and you will please the lineage masters and yidam deities. Wealth is something impermanent and will again dissolve into emptiness, so offering money may be of some limited benefit in maintaining a center or supporting your teacher’s activities, but the best offering is if you can correctly practice the teachings you have received and attain freedom from samsara. As it is said, “Even if you offer a mansion full of gold or the wealth of the four continents, it will not please your teacher, for it is no better than a heap of donkey’s dung. However, if you apply the teachings in practice, that will really please your master.” If you properly practice the teachings you have received, you will be freed from samsara, and that is the best way to fulfill the wishes of the buddhas and bodhisattvas.

[submityourfic-blog]

Ross - My Story | R5 Fanfic

Depression. Anxiety. Post-traumatic stress disorder. All of these things describe the real me; the struggles I face every single day. Why, you ask? Well, simply because of the abuse.

I’m adopted by the Lynches. I was blessed with the most amazing family on this planet at 13 years old. They gave me freedom, hope, joy, love… I’m truly thankful for them. My past, however, isn’t pleasant. At all.

When I was around 3 or so, my parents began to abuse me. It started with simple insults such as, “You’re stupid.” and “You’re ugly.”

As I grew older, they hit me, kicked me, punched me, threw sharp objects at me, just anything you can think of. They didn’t even hesitate on burning me. I still have the scars.

The sexual assault I endured started a few years later, when I was about 7, and continued on until I turned 13. I didn’t contract any infections or diseases, thankfully, but it still haunts me to this day.

I remember one time when I was 10, my so-called father chased me around the house with a butcher knife. When he finally caught me, he pinned me down on the floor and aimed for my stomach, but I moved quickly and he stabbed my left arm deeply. I screamed in pain and tried to keep my eyes open, but it didn’t work. I slipped into unconsciousness and the next thing I remember was waking up on a hospital bed.

Apparently my parents had made up a story about how our neighbors’ tree had branches so sharp that it “dug deep" into my skin and “damaged it.” Being very gullible, the staff believed them.

After I was released, their abuse just continued. I let it happen until I was 13.

At this point, I had had enough. I already tolerated it for way too long, and all while behaving. They deserved to know how much damage they had done to me. I had been slitting my tattered wrists for the past 3 years. I cried every night, not being able to sleep because the constant fear of my father coming in and killing me in my sleep was just eating me away. I had completely muted myself, for the fear of not being good enough. I starved myself. I absolutely HATED myself.

And all because of them.

When I gained up enough courage to fight back, I immediately regretted it. My mom ended up stabbing me in the stomach, after a long hour of the couple screaming at me, telling me how much of a shitty son I was, and how much they regretted having me. Telling me that I didn’t belong in this world; that I should die. That no one loved, or cared, or wanted me.

I liked the idea of dying at that moment. It sounded so close and peaceful…

That was until I woke up in the hospital. There was an IV in my wrist, a breathing mask on my face, a beeping machine standing right next to me, a comfortable gown on my body… Was I dreaming? Did I really escape that hell?

I guess I did because the next thing I knew, I was moving into the Teens Abuse Shelter the other town over. It was also an orphanage, so people came in to adopt. At first, I was very timid. I would hardly ever come out of my room. But one day, a miracle happened.

I met these two nice people. They engaged in small talk comfortably, even though it was more than obvious that I was scared.

Then again, it had only been 3 months since the last incident I had with my parents. My situation was the most recent in the shelter. I was still vulnerable and I kept stumbling over my words. Though I had gotten a bit better.

They didn’t seem to mind. They were respectful of how afraid I was, and tried to make me feel welcome. They were noticeably considerate of the fact that it was an abuse shelter, and tried to avoid triggering subjects. This was what made it easier for me to open up to them.

I soon found out that their names were Stormie and Mark Lynch. They had 4 other children named Rydel, Rocky, Riker, and Ryland. They wanted to adopt a trauma survivor to be there for them, love them, and give them happiness.

Fortunately, they picked me.

It was a tough transition from an abusive household, to an abuse shelter, to a comfortable and welcoming… home. I can’t describe it. It just immediately felt like home the moment I stepped through the front door.

Everyone made me feel wanted and cared about, with the amount of smiles they sent to me. A part of me thought they were just doing out of pity, but the other part of me knew that they were genuine.

I tried my best to believe that they were genuine, every day. My new parents drove me to the police station, the doctor, the courthouse, my therapist, the ice cream place around the corner… They showed me anything and everything in the town, and everything out of town.

They treated me like royalty, trying their absolute best to make me happy. If course it took a few years to fully trust them, but they grew on me very quickly.

My siblings were always so fun. They didn’t even have to TRY to make me happy; they just did. They still do. I had never had siblings before, so it was a new experience that took a lot to get used to, but I did.

It didn’t take much for me to trust them, as they were all respectful of my past, never pressured me into anything, comforted me when I needed it, supported me in everything I did, encouraged me to try my best, and wanted me to be happy. They were considerate and kind. They STILL are.

The first 4 years of my recovery was the hardest. When I was 16, I attempted suicide. TWICE. In less than 2 hours. My dad had to call the police, to baker-act me. I was put in handcuffs due to my recklessness, and forced into the back of the cop car. In front of my entire family.

I was mortified. For one, I felt like I was being arrested and what did I do wrong? Nothing. Two, my whole freaking family saw it! That alone is disappointing. I wanted to die even more right then and there.

I was taken to a rehab facility about 45 minutes away. There, they contacted my therapist, had him come, and then ran a bunch of tests on me to see if I was injured. I was unscathed physically, besides my self-harm marks from a few months prior, but my heart was broken way too critically to be repaired.

But somehow they did it. In the two weeks that I stayed there, my bad sleeping habits had been fixed. I had managed to stay clean from self harm. I made improvements with my eating habits. I made some friends. I was given anti-depressants to take whenever I felt depressed ir suicidal. I even learned how to cope with my triggers and my PTSD.

Everything started to get a bit better.

When I got home, everyone tackled me into a family hug and I couldn’t help but smile and hug back. Sure, the rehab took a lot out of me, but it definitely helped.

Here I am today. 21 years old, with a beautiful girlfriend, an amazing family, a successful career, and millions of fans. I hate to say it, but in a way, I’m grateful for those monsters who abused me. Without them, I wouldn’t have gotten to live such a great life, even if there’s long term effects.

I was broken and tattered way beyond repair, but now I’m happy. It took a hell of a lot, and I’m still working real hard, but I did it.

I have my battle scars. I have a past. I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor of abuse.