pxrxllel

[pxrxllel]

no heartbreak! (03/10/24)

Omg it's been over a year since my last entry. Happy to report that things turned out for the better. We tried to break up after our jaunt in Peru and I was ready to move on because I'd accepted the reality of the situation, but he didn't. We spent a couple of months in limbo with me figuring out what I wanted and him working on himself to be better for me and address all the issues I had with him. In the back of my head there's still some lingering doubt, but I don't think there's anything we can do about it except live and learn, a risk I'm still learning to try to accept. But we reunited in Italy and France to spend his birthday along the mildly warm Mediterranean, gorged on aperitivos with his Italian friend from Australia, read each other extracts from digital maps, made love on a tiny houseboat in Cannes and on the cliffs of the Calanques, spoke average French with all the locals who seemed to appreciate our efforts. I didn't feel a sense of dread this time, or ever since then. I came back to New Zealand and we entered the power struggle phase with him preparing for his thru-hike, and it was difficult, especially when he eventually left and went long stretches without talking to me. I was a little worried our relationship had suffered some permanent damage from it, but we bounced back alright and last week I came back from spending 3 weeks roadtripping 3000km across British Columbia with him. He built me a bed in his car that we slept in most nights, I met some of his family and friends, and learned so much about where he came from. If I'm honest, I'm both more appreciative and apprehensive of our relationship after this trip. Appreciative because we really do have a great time together wherever we go, and apprehensive because our backgrounds are literal worlds apart and there's so many lifestyle and cultural differences to mount. I'm constantly torn with anxiety about things not working out, especially since we've promised each other so much, and if we're just kicking the can down the road. I know I can't live in fear though, because nothing good ever comes out of it. He doesn't seem to be very worried. I asked him before I left if he thought we would be together forever and he told me If that's what you want.

I just feel like we're so soul-aligned. We couldn't be more different in terms of our jobs, upbringing, friends, backgrounds, but I swear we're such similar people. We're interested in the same things, I've never had so many common interests with any boyfriend. We both feel the same way about the way the world is going (he's more pessimistic though) and what the world needs to heal. We're lit up by the same things. There's lots of little things that irk me but there's nothing big or major that I can see. We have similar dreams. I'm so energised by the idea of spending my life parsing every corner of the world with him. He does whatever I ask him to, without being a pushover. He's good at the things I'm not, and I'm good at the things he's not. He teaches me how to start a fire and how to rock chop vegetables, and I teach him how to use a spreadsheet and how to place a semicolon. It's so different for me to be with someone so drastically different, but I'm enjoying the ride. I know things will turn out the way they're supposed to, but I hope I never have to go through a heartbreak again.

[pxrxllel]

a slomo heartbreak, again (26/06/23)

I have found myself in another version of a situation I have definitely been in before. I could say I don't know why I keep doing this, but I'm not naive. I know that patterns will keep repeating in my life until I learn, though I'm not entirely sure what the learning is here so if someone would like to enlighten me, I would appreciate it.

Maybe I'm also naive for thinking this, but I fell in love with someone again, but it feels a bit different this time.

I haven't felt this way with anyone except Dylan or Zack. Honestly, he reminds me a lot of a mix of the two of them. I don't know if anyone will ever meet me on the level that Dylan did, but he's pretty close. He's got the romantic, run-with-the-wind temperament of Zack, and the way we connect is so charged in a way that I haven't felt since I was 17 and with him and discovering myself in that way for the first time. I genuinely am just completely fascinated by him and everything he's been through, everything he's done, and the way he goes about life. I have not felt this level of awe towards anyone in a very long time. The way I feel about him feels so right, it's exactly how I should feel towards my person. It's so much stronger and deeper than most of my other relationships (unless I just have a short term memory), which just makes me sad that I settled so much and so often.

I have so much love to give. It's bursting out of me all the time. I just want to keep someone happy and safe and loved forever, that's all I'm really after. I want to say it and hear it all the time, and give each other little surprises and go and explore our big beautiful world and make the most out of life.

I am ridiculously and completely and irrevocably smitten with this man, despite my best efforts of keeping my distance and leaving his home at 5am just so I wouldn't wake up next to him. But none of that worked, because I'm still a romantic at heart and he was far more aligned with me than I had bargained for. We both agreed this wasn't supposed to happen, he was trying to stay unattached too, but I guess life works in funny ways.

The sticking point is that we'll have to part ways in August, and that's the heartbreak I am getting myself into. There is no way we can build a life together, because it's logistically difficult and not right for either of us at this point in our lives or maybe ever. It's always terrible knowing the end is coming and knowing that I have to put myself through grief again. I'm supposed to see him for three weeks but I don't even want that to come because I'll know it's the start of the end. He also said he'd never been in a temporary situation where he was in love with the person so would be interesting to see how things pan out. Even a month ago it would have been so much easier to break up, but it just feels so much deeper now. I wonder how long my scars will take to heal this time.

[pxrxllel]

the night after the others

Before this night, there was the one when I made fun of his capital letters-only handwriting eating dinner by headlamp light at the beach. And before that, there was the night that I whispered into his shoulder Je t’adore and all he said in response was Tu m’adore? Génial. And before that, the night we smashed back beer after beer in a four person karaoke room with a German backpacker couple we’d met a few hours earlier, who had taken one look at us and said Aww, that’s love. And before that, all the nights that we were in a dark club, wearing each other’s faces and forgetting about a version of the future that we had already agreed didn’t exist. All the passing comments that strangers had made upon seeing how alive we were around each other had been slowly stacking up in the periphery of my mind. Somewhere along the way, everything he said had started to sound like a question, and I love you was the answer to every single one. I had been holding it between my teeth like a ticking time bomb.

And then there was this night. The house was strewn with disco lights twirling around the room, vinyl paper, streamers, ribbons, ceiling decorations, music, and fridges overflowing with alcohol. Everyone was dressed to the nines, many getting drunk out of their minds. I was six drinks down and waiting for it to hit, which it did slowly and then all at once. In my half-stupor, I landed four shots in beer pong teamed up with a guy in a Hugh Hefner outfit, who bragged to him about how I was carrying the game when he emerged back at my side from stumbling between rooms for god knows how long. He put his arm around me in disbelief and slurred in my ear.

“Baby, I don’t feel good. I gotta go. I want to throw up.”

I had seen him drunk many, many times, but this time was different. I had never seen him stumbling like this, so I hauled him down the stairs and swung through the door into a linoleum tiled bathroom. I sat him down next to the toilet and held his head while he warned me it was going to be ugly, and promptly unleashed all of the nothing he had eaten all night into the bowl. I leaned over him, reached clumsily for the flush and crouched back down in front of him while he slumped back against the wall, lips shuddering from catching his breath, gaze drifting before settling somewhere on my face that I was also too inebriated to focus on. 

They say it’s a good rule of thumb to never tell someone you love them for the first time when you’re drunk. But I also had a rule about not emotionally investing too much into something that could never be serious, and he had a rule about staying single and unattached in this season of his life. I’d always followed the rules. I'd listened to the advice of my parents and people around me I trusted knew better, who had told me to look for stability and consistency and predictability. I’d always been with men who were neat and tidy, steady and safe, tethered to their routines and their white-collar jobs and their degrees, a strategy that had failed to insure me from repeated heartbreak anyway. 

Seeing some drool at the corner of his mouth, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and tilted his face to the side. I returned his half-lidded gaze at me, and saw the opposite of every rule I’d been following up to this point. His face was a mess of trial and error, and fuck-its and running around the world to try to figure out the unknowns, and failures and getting back up, and transience, and reckless decisions and somehow it was hush quiet in comparison to the roar of my heart unfurling whenever he smiled at me and the crinkles around his eyes deepened. 

I had been so cold to him, so wrapped up in safety nets to keep him from touching me beneath my skin, and he had spent the last six months cocooning me in the warmth of his patience and generosity and kindness and affection. Outwardly, it was hard to decipher, but my chest ached with warmth whenever I thought about his dedication to injecting his life with colour. I was fascinated by how unabashed he was about shouting out loud how much he loved his friends and those around him, of how big and wide and deep his heart for humanity was despite his heavy slant towards pessimism, the way he could build a bridge with anyone from any corner of the world and through time and space, the way he had relentlessly fought his way to the light from a childhood marred with bruises. Sure, his steady flow of compliments and attention and flirty remarks and thoughtful gestures had snuck past my defenses and popped open the locks I had so carefully ringfenced around my heart - but it was his grasp on life that had me suspended in admiration, appreciation, and awe.

It was hardly the moment I had imagined, but it fell into place alongside the rest of our drunken antics. I smiled at his dazed stare and the words I had turned over and ironed out in my head for the last few weeks came tumbling out. “I love you,” I said, wiping away at his mouth. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t change anything, and I don’t expect you to say anything back, but that’s just how my heart feels and I want you to know that.” 

I barely finished speaking before he responded. “I love you too. I’ve been wanting to say it for so long and I’ve been too chicken to.” A glimmer of heat shivered down my spine and I kissed him before he reared his head back to have another go in the toilet. After he finished and collapsed back against the wall, there came a pound on the door and he barked No! and grabbed my hands in his lap. So there we were, sat on a white and peeling bathroom floor, surrounded by the buzz upstairs and the buzz clouding our heads, a tsunami breaking through all the promises we’d put between us and ending in a pool at our feet. 

The light always breaks through. It can’t help itself.

[pxrxllel]

happy & sad at the same time (03/05/23)

I'm still mostly happy, but I'm starting to stress out a lot. I feel really overwhelmed by the amount of admin I have to get done before I leave. I absolutely am excited for my trip and think it's going to be life changing and still believe with every part of me that it's what I need to go ahead and do, but I am just worrying about so much.

It's overwhelming to have to get rid of all my stuff by selling it or sorting it or putting it into storage or at my parents' place. I have so much... stuff I've just accumulated over the years and I'm worried I'm not going to be able to get it all sorted in time. I'm worried we won't be able to find a suitable flatmate to replace me and that I'll have to keep paying rent on a room I'm not in.

I'm worried about living off my savings and not having an income for six months. I've never done this before in my adult life, had no money coming in. I am worried I am not going to be able to do all the things I want to do and go where I want to go because I will run out of money and have to go crawling back to my parents' place. The shame of it would consume me. I have never lived like I'm broke before, financial stress is one thing I have avoided like the plague.

I'm worried about my handover at work, that no one will be there to take over my job. I don't think they've started the process of looking yet and I know things take a long time.

I'm worried that I'm going to get homesick, even though I know that's not likely.

I know I made this decision based on feeling like I had no emotional security or stability, but now that I'm stripping myself of financial and physical security and stability I am freaking myself out. I don't know what I'm doing and I know that's how I'm supposed to feel but that doesn't make it easier! I don't know how so many other people have done it, including my parents.

I'm worried I won't be able to live off my 40L backpack for six months, I'm worried it will be painful on my back and I will be severely uncomfortable and underprepared for things.

That's pretty much it. It's funny that I know that discomfort is what I asked for and now I'm struggling with it and the only way through it is to go through it. Maybe by writing this all down and listing it all out I can start to make sense of it and come to terms with things.

I have pretty much planned out where I want to go, when I am going to be there, and what I don't want to miss out on doing. I have Isaac's party in New York to look forward to and Brady wants to meet me in Peru. I kind of don't think I should see him again but I want to, and maybe it's a better idea to not be alone in South America. I'm a bit torn about it, I want to be by myself but I think it's better not to be. Plus I like the guy, honestly probably smitten with him, so it's another case of heart vs head. Ughhhh I just don't knoooow.

[pxrxllel]

youth (27/03/23)

It took me a few moments to find a name to call this entry by. I'm pretty happy, but that doesn't sum it up. It feels like I'm in the growing and expansion season of my life. I'm learning to be a lot more open-minded and not overthink as much, be more comfortable with discomfort. That's not to say I've thrown my morals and habits out the window, rather that I've relaxed them a little to see where they begin and end.

I am probably the happiest, most hopeful, and most filled with peace that I have ever felt in my life. I've finally gotten all the parts of my life together to the point where I want them. I'm prioritising my own wants and needs and for the first time, I feel like they're important and I matter. Fifteen year old me could have only dreamed about the amount of joy and lightness and fullness I am holding in my chest. I'm surrounded by people who love me, who support me in everything I do, I live with my friends, I like my job, and all of that is something I went a long time without and it's made all the difference.

I genuinely think that people who knew me even 2 years ago wouldn't recognise me now. I have changed so much. I'm so comfortable with who I am now, my self esteem is strong and healthy - to the point where I am probably a little arrogant, to be honest. I genuinely think I am hot shit and deserve to have whatever I want in this world. In saying that I also acknowledge that others are also hot shit, but there's something very powerful about stepping into it and claiming it. I'm not sure why, but throughout my relationship with Jarrod my self-esteem fluctuated so much and I truly felt terrible about myself every so often, but since becoming single I have felt nothing but self-love towards me, even though I have gained a bit of weight. My hot girl mindset is on about 80% of the time and it's the attitude that I have that projects to the world that I have everything together and everything just works out for me.

In terms of relationships, I am loving being single. I have never been so stress-free. I never have to worry about my plans for the week, wondering if my boyfriend even likes me. I love going on dates and meeting new people and taking a peek into their worlds for just a night. I really think I always meant to lean into my young hot girl phase and I'm living it. On a Friday night my Canadian friend comes to visit me in an underground bar and we're entangled before we even leave the place. People, strangers are always telling us we have a vibe going on and it's making me wonder why I've always been with people who I didn't have this much chemistry with. I'm always so hungry for the way he touches me so boldly and tells me how much of a pull I have over him and looks at me like he almost feels something, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I could never, ever fall in love with someone like that, the man is full of red flags, and I think that's the fun of it. I'm letting myself get swept away in the moment, knowing it's a temporary thing, so I may as well enjoy it. I've never felt so wanted in my life than when he laces his arms around my legs, and it honestly reignites a lot of the freshness of how I felt as a teenager.

A big reason why we hang out is I think he represents a version of myself I'm trying to cultivate. I love hearing him talk about the different places he's been and people he's met. I'm starting to get excited about my own adventures, now that I've gotten the ball rolling with sorting out my travel vaccinations and booking some flights. I know that when I book my final flights things are going to get real and I probably will have a meltdown and ask myself why I'm leaving my life here when things are finally good and happy. But I'm reminded of The Good Place and how eternal happiness cannot and shouldn't be the final destination. I don't know what it is and there's no guarantees I'll find out, but it'd be cool if I did. Not going to lie, the meaning-obsessed part of me is going to be pretty disappointed if all I learn is that there is no meaning and it's all for nothing. I don't actually believe that, but it's curious to me that the purpose is to just keep moving and if there is no final destination.

[pxrxllel]

flatness (27/11/22)

I have begun to realise that what has happened to me is undeniably heartbreak. Even though it doesn't feel like visceral heartbreak, my chest isn't splitting open and there's no pain. It's more like my heart and my mind got hit by a truck and left no inch of me unbruised and it's flaring up again all the time. I feel raw, tender, fragile, like I am running a marathon on a broken leg and I could fall apart (and I do) at any moment. All it takes is one quiet minute to myself, my mind wanders over to those old places on autopilot and it's triggering. He was my home for so long, how can I just abandon it like that? It's like I keep searching for clues there even though I know that that's fruitless. Every time I think of him being happy without me, I want to vomit. In some ways I don't want him to be happy, I want him to go through the adequate amount of pain to grow in the ways I think he needs to.

I am ridiculously busy, I haven't had a single night to myself in over a week. It's partly me and partly other people, but I'm afraid of taking a breather because that's when the hurt makes itself known again. I guess it makes sense because when I'm out and about I'm not at home, and now my emotional home is marred with all this sadness so I can't go home.

The concept of home is something I've been mulling over a lot lately. I feel increasingly ungrounded by the fact that my mother has left the country for 4 months. Everything as I knew it growing up will never be the same as she shuttles back and forth. My father has never really been here anyway, so that means both my parents are an 11 hour flight away. My sister is also very far away. My mom has also locked the house in Hamilton up so I can't just go back to those streets I know either, the ones that kept me safe, watched me cry, watched over me as I moved through life as I grew into a bigger and better person. Nothing has prepared me for feeling the intense sense of loss that I feel knowing that everything I knew growing up is unavailable to me and will never be the same. Despite the fact that it wasn't always happy either, but I guess my need for stability and safety is more than my need for warmth and happiness. I think that's something I need to unpack.

[pxrxllel]

square one (30/10/22)

It has been about a month of confusion, disappointment, grief, busyness, sunshine, rain, hope, love, and friendship. I don't really know where I'm going anymore, just that I am wading forward through the days, thick like mud, one at a time. I have no idea what the future looks like. To be fair, I didn't really before, but now I have even less of an idea.

My friends and colleagues and family have absolutely been propping me up over the last few weeks. I have received so much love and support and wisdom and advice and perspective from so many different sources. People have shown up for me in ways I never expected, and other people I expected to show up haven't. I guess it's times like these that you learn the most about yourself and the people around you.

I've been going out, I've been drinking for fun, I've been meeting new friends in old places and old friends in new places. I was drunkenly scarfing down a burger while having a conversation with a med student and his girlfriend at 2am out on the street, and all I can remember him telling me is to give myself more credit because other people may seem really impressive but they really aren't. And then I don't know why but I stayed out until 4am with Jason and his friend talking about dealing with emotional baggage. In Sydney, Remi reminded me that I'm still young and that what I should take from this is learning to be upfront and communicative with the next person about my previous experiences and making the space to check in. And that I might just randomly click with someone again one day and it'll all make sense. I just think that my picker isn't very good, because I seem to keep dating the two extremes of the spectrum and no one is quite right. I guess each time I am getting closer to just right though, so that's reassuring.

I'm still carrying all the love I have for him, he's not receiving it anymore so I don't have anywhere to put it. They say to redirect the energy towards yourself, which I have been doing, but it doesn't quite fully translate over. It's like there is a whole version of me that is part of me that is dedicated to loving him. I really felt that a big part of my identity was to teach and guide him towards wholeness, as he was for me, and the fixer in me just feels like a teacher whose student gave up and I will never not want him to be growing in that way. I have accepted that it won't be me, and I don't want him to come back either, but the finality of it all is so bitter. I guess the best way to describe it is that I'm still attached, but I know I need to not be to be fair to my own future and healing. I acted very securely and healthily, and I think in some ways that's bad because it makes me think that he's going to come back one day, prop open the door and tell me he's done some reflecting and I'm going to get satisfaction out of it. I can't bank on that happening though. God, I hope he doesn't see this - I don't think he will, I've never told him about this blog.

Also, something weird and new has been happening. I feel so emotionally unavailable. The idea of other men gives me the ick. I have never been so content with being single before, I've never felt this way. I always used to try to bury the hard feelings in another person, but I have never had this level of desire to just be with myself, by myself.

I really feel like I'm back at square one. I loved him the best I knew how to, and objectively, I think I did a great job and I know he agrees. For all the strife and worries, I really don't think it would have ended. I just don't feel very optimistic about finding anyone with the same qualities that I loved about him. Smart, organised, stable. Trustworthy. Diligent. Wickedly handsome. Fit. Growth-oriented. Soft, but not softer than me. Generous as hell. He had his cons too, but I accepted them. And isn't that what a healthy love is built on, accepting the price of admission?

I feel like there's a lot of things I still have to learn. It's hard because I'm learning from scratch, but I'm starting to realise that even though others may not need to learn from scratch, they sometimes do too. I'm also mapping out my plans to move overseas; I know a new location doesn't solve internal problems but I don't think it's about that since it's been on the cards for so long. It all just feels scary and a bit overwhelming, but also exciting. I really have no idea, I'm bobbing around in open water right now, I guess I'll check back in a while to see where I'm at.

[pxrxllel]

my heart is full (30/08/22)

Life is so rich and full and lush and dark right now. I am feeling everything. I cried every single day last week about Sophia leaving, I haven't cried like that for so long. How lucky I am to have found something so special at work, to connect so deeply, to reel from the loss though? I was so, so tired from crying that it took me the whole weekend to recover. I do think I was a bit dramatic, because when I told Libby about how sad I was she asked if we were very close or something. Not even really, I'm just a massive crybaby.

The weekend was as good as it got. On Saturday I went to a boutique sale with Kath and Akali and we spent a lot of money and sat in a cafe afterwards building up and scrapping away ideas and plans, then the main girls and I drove out of town to soak in the hot pools and eat in a pub that was sat in a modest community hall that they thought we were sure to be murdered in. Sunday was Eli's birthday, so I planned a day for him that he didn't even show up for half of but it was still good fun! I try to look out for him because I know he has no family. That morning Jarrod and I did the Comans track again, over a year since we last did it, and he told me I had improved so much. I've been working really hard to get fit. The weather was perfect that day, and the morning was so calm and peaceful. After we came back I got my final handover email from Sophia and that spiralled me into another crying session and I told Jarrod I just felt like sleeping and not being conscious and he held me until I said it was okay for him to go.

He's been so full of energy lately. Yesterday he came over and made me chicken katsu and we planned our New Year's trip and our next big hike, and he was dancing all over the place. He's gotten so affectionate and tender and more than I expected. I have never felt so attracted in so many ways to anyone before, something about this dynamic feels so electric. He feels so safe and secure and recently he told me he hoped I wasn’t wasting my best years and he didn’t think he was. He always leaves his scent all over my clothes and today I picked up my top from last night and sniffed it and wanted to crawl inside that scent and live there forever.

[pxrxllel]

contentment (30/05/22)

Many things have happened since I last wrote here, even though it wasn't that long ago. I finally took a break from work and went away and made the most of my time overseas. I saw so much, tried so much, met new people, really switched off. I didn't realise how much I needed it, though I still felt guilty when I came back and my work was offloaded to other people.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can improve. I'm going to talk to my manager about steps towards a pay rise or promotion. I've been hitting the gym at least 4 times a week and trying to cut out added sugar. I've been doing my best to get up out of bed and get dressed so I can add some routine or structure in my life. I take propolis and my vitamins every day. It's really motivating to take care of myself in this way and I'm grateful that I'm in a place to do that.

Reading my old blog posts from here, even from 2018, is so wild to me because I'm no longer spending large swathes of time depressed and unable to function. I'm not really sure what changed within me, but I know that my environment just keeps getting better. I'm no longer being constantly triggered by my family or my flatmates.

I'm really lucky that all my best friends are in Auckland now and I see them so often. I have felt really loved lately, my friends, flatmates, and boyfriend all put in effort to celebrate my birthday belatedly. Actually, he's been so consistently good to me lately. He didn't bat an eye when I threw up all over his bed in the middle of the night and easily follows through when I tell him I need things from him. He's just such a sweetheart to me and for all the months I doubted him for, he's just proven me wrong with continuous kindness, patience, and heart.

[pxrxllel]

a better place (15/03/22)

This is my first entry for this year! It's only 3.5 months in, but already so much has changed, and for the better. Even New Year's feels much longer ago than it was.

I've been filling up my time with so many holidays, trips, life admin, sorting things out, one at a time. Since we're out of lockdown now, we've been making the most of the summer. I'm so tanned now that I'm sure to get rebuke when I go back to Taiwan. My hair has grown out, I've been optimising my belongings, and I'm surrounded by people I care about and who care about me. It feels so good to be away from the screen and living in the real world, doing real things.

Perhaps the biggest change has been moving out of my old flat to where I am now. I was so scared to leave behind the familiar, but now I'm in a living situation where we treat each other like family. We update each other on our days, we check in on each other, we hang out separately in the same room, we have conversations that stretch into the night even though we have work first thing in the morning. It's all I wanted, and now that I finally have it, I can't believe I let myself be mired in that bog of a flat for so long. I never even got closure though. I'm not sure if we're still friends, and I'll never know why I was alienated the way I was. I've made peace with it now though. I'm getting more sleep a night now than I was having for days combined in December and January.

I am, to my surprise, immensely in love. I didn't think I would be, and I waded in very, very slowly for the first 6 months because I was coming up with every excuse under the sun to keep my distance. I simply didn't think I could have what I wanted with him. Sometimes I still don't, it's genuinely the first relationship that I'm living in the moment for and that I'm not thinking about the future too much. But he's been a safe haven, he's put away his blades of logic when I've been soft and broken, he fixes my problems before I even know they need fixing, and with him I have become so much more of the person I want to be. He is strong, kind, honest, and steady. He pushes and stretches me in all the right ways, and I feel so privileged to be showing him how it feels to be loved so purely. And he is so goddamn handsome! Looking at him sends a gust of wind straight through my chest.

Things with my family are a little bit stressful at the moment, but I'm not too anxious about it because I know whatever it is, we'll tackle it with compassion and grace. I've sort of accepted that whatever will be, will be, and I just hope that things work out well enough that I can be where I'm needed at the right time. My team and workplace have been incredibly supportive, and I honestly feel like the luckiest person in the world to have the kindness that I do wrapped around me.

[pxrxllel]

the weight of light (11/10/21)

I'm feeling better than the last time I posted. I've been actually very energetic and bubbly the last wee while, I've been cracking more jokes than normal which is out of character for me... but in a really good way! I just want to be bright and full of energy and leave a bit of joy wherever I go. I've spent so, so long weighed down by my insecurity, depression, self-loathing, intensity and none of the lighter stuff comes naturally to me, but no one likes being around someone carrying so much baggage.

The good part is I've worked on myself enough to accept myself and heal past feeling broken all the time. My self worth has been pretty steady and solid for over a year now, that was the last time I really broke down. None of the very old insecurities I used to have plague me anymore; I don't think I'm unlovable or disgusting or ugly and I haven't felt like that in a long time. It's really nice to be able to step into each day feeling that I deserve to be here. And I think that's probably a prerequisite to adopting the summery disposition I want to embody, but I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling all the dark and iight parts of myself. I'm not sure if I can ever truly be light, because if even the tiniest drop of dark paint gets into white paint, it's tarnished. I don't know if that analogy is applicable, but it's just a line of reasoning I've been having.

I feel that naturally I'm a deep thinker and will always have a melancholic side, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it means I'm sentimental, sensitive, and experience life in a richer way that a lot of people living on surface-level mode don't. I don't want to get rid of that part of me. But I think it's very difficult to embrace the brightness and be a ball of joy while that part of me is so prominent. Is it fighting against my nature to want to do that?

[pxrxllel]

not sure. (24/09/21)

Hey Tumblr, how are you doing?

I'm not doing so great. We're heading into our sixth week of being locked down while the rest of the country is living relatively normally. Normally I find lockdown fine, but it just feels like hope is running out because people's patience is running. I'm not even an angry person but I get so angry seeing people out and about flouting the rules. It just feels like we're never going to see the end of this at this rate, with the way people are behaving, and whatever path we take there's going to be some loss somewhere.

I don't live alone, but I may as well be, since I barely interact with the people I live with. I also lost my house key a few weeks ago while out on a walk, and the fact that when I leave the house the door gets locked behind me has given me the sense of being psychologically trapped here. Someone accidentally pushed past me last week at the supermarket and the physical touch was like an electric shock. I just wish I had gone back to my parents' house before this all happened, so I wouldn't be stuck feeling so alone.

Anyway, work is really busy too, which I expected, but it hasn't helped that it's been compounded by the slew of terrible and tragic news stories about murders and disappearances that I've been having to keep on top of lately. It truly is the perfect storm and I've been nauseous and crying from anxiety for the better half of this week. It honestly feels like my lockdown anxiety and work stress are tag teaming each other right now; when I'm not in one mode I'm in the other. I'd much rather be stressed about work though, it's one thing I have control over. That's why I'm not looking forward to this weekend and not having to think about work. Mark told me to take a day off the following week, but how can I when it's just going to make me spiral into thinking about lockdown?

I'm okay, I don't feel like this is never going to end, I'm just restless and languishing I guess. And so very alone.

[pxrxllel]

hello sunshine (10/08/21)

I pretty much never write a post when I'm happy, but here I am just brimming with contentedness. I came out of my depressive slump last week, it was like the clouds suddenly lifted and on the other side I feel so very balanced!! Things in all areas of my life are progressing, and it feels like I have the energy to make moves and be in the driver's seat again. I'm ready to go out and talk to people and be funny and bright and social and all that good stuff and just... have fun! God, I'm so overdue for some fun.

I had a PT session today with the lady who approached me at the gym a few weeks ago and it went really well. At first I was a bit tense so we rolled out my lats, and then she showed me how to squat properly. I didn't get it at first but it didn't take long before I started getting it right, and she even said she was surprised at how quickly I picked it up. Then she showed me a couple of the other machines and helped me figure out where in my body I should be feeling the tension. She seemed pretty impressed tbh and I was quite proud! I checked myself in the mirror in the changing room and my delts are pretty pronounced now. I think I just need to trim off some body fat and work on my obliques and glutes a little more. Drinking fucktons of water over the past week while I've been sick has really helped as well I think, I'm a bit less bloated?

While I've been sick I've been reading a lot. I'm currently on The Body Keeps the Score, which was recommended to me by a friend a while ago. It's about the physiological impact of trauma, PTSD, violence, abuse, mental illness etc. It's honestly crazy how the mind and body are so interlinked and further reinforces the idea that physical and mental health cannot be separated from each other. The neuroscience behind it, and especially the idea of neuroplasticity, is so fascinating to me. I've found it so applicable in my own life, with self soothing and rewiring the narratives and unhealthy mindsets that aren't serving me anymore. I've made so much progress on my relational anxiety that I'm actually a little shocked.

[pxrxllel]

things I have learned so far this year (26/07/21)

My life looks completely different now than what I thought it would six months ago, and for someone who's always needed a direction/plan/blueprint to follow for their life, not following it (or even having one at the moment) is completely foreign to me and a little terrifying, but somehow it's okay. I feel like a different person altogether, and I'm still settling into this new self-perception, but making lists always helps me make sense of my thoughts and draws out new and interesting insights.

I can lose people who I've given my heart to, over and over (even two in the same week!) and still be whole and complete.

My body is capable of more than I give it credit for. Can't believe I walked up and down hills for two hours and didn't die.

Friends can be made in the most unlikely of places and be from any walk of life. And people who are normally the type you go for when making friends won't necessarily end up being good friends.

I can't change my parents.

My emotions, no matter how intense and encompassing they are, only hold as much power as I give them. They're nothing more than a feedback tool. It's great to feel as deeply as I do, but I should use it in healthy and constructive ways.

My brain is very good at lying to me.

It's important to be passionate about the things that are important to me. It's equally important to recognise and respect different perspectives.

The way I think about things isn't actually always right. I have more blind spots than I realise.

My alone time is special and important and needs to be prioritised.

It's okay and important to express my needs and respect my own boundaries. Even if it's hard, I have to cut out things from my life that don't serve me.

I'm happiest when I'm working on developing myself or my skills.

I'm actually someone who is capable of having sex without getting attached, but it feels very mechanical and is nothing compared to sex with emotional connection. Same with being promiscuous in general, it's not what it's cracked up to be.

Most men are low value. I deserve the best and shouldn't waste time on people who don't respect me, my time, my energy, or my emotions. I shouldn't have to experience stress during dating, if he wanted to he would.

Social media is a waste of time and very draining and damaging to my self esteem.

Drinking and partying isn't actually that fun.

It's always worth trying out new things and spending money on new experiences.

Maybe relationships aren't necessarily healthy just because you feel like you have a soulmate connection with someone. Maybe they're sustainable when you have mutual respect, take things slow, take the time to get to know each other, evaluate how you feel frequently, and put in the effort.

Everyone expresses love in different ways. Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it's not there. Have a little faith.

Let go of being attached to outcomes because you'll be disappointed more often than not.

Create healthy habits and make them sustainable by introducing a little bit at a time.

I need to improve my sleeping habits and not be dependent on listening to YouTube.

The stock market isn't as hard to understand as boys make it out to be.

Principles over pleasure.

I am my own safety net.

Nothing has to be taken personally. How I feel about things is my responsibility. No one can make me feel any which way.

Scented candles make everything better.

[pxrxllel]

dumpin (19/07/21)

I haven't felt this amount of pain in so long. I think moving away from home has just boxed up all the unresolved trauma and tucked it in the corner of my childhood bedroom, so I never see it until I'm back visiting and come face to face with it again.

There is nothing in the world that hurts more than hurt from your parents when you were a child, and the second most painful thing is the echoes of that childhood pain, and the third most is when that plays out in the way you relate to other people in your life. It's why I'm tiptoeing around every single word I say to my flatmates, why my brain yells at me to go forwards and my feet turn around and walk the other way, why I still don't know how to leave when I should.

Fighting with my parents rips me apart completely. My vision goes dark in the moment, I feel my heart tearing each and every seam of what's holding it together. I know I'm better now than I used to be, I know my parents are immature, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It just means the storm passes quicker, which still counts for something. I'm just tired of feeling now. Do the roads ever feel bruising after floods beat down on them?

I don't know why I would ever expect things to change. They spent my whole childhood trying to mould me into someone that wasn't me. They never accepted me for who I was back then, so why would they now? It's simply futile to try to be myself around them and expect to feel safe and loved. I think the less painful way now is just to button myself back up around them because they're just not capable of being what I need. It's tiring being the bigger person, and it's tiring to unlearn all the toxicity I've inherited, but it's even more tiring to fight a losing battle.

Being here, sitting here in this house I was holed up in for so long reminds me how I used to feel. I used to think I would never be able to outrun my mind, how I'd be dragging the weight of all of this forever, that the world would be scary and uninviting place forever, that I would never love and be loved in a way that felt like sunlight. But I'm better than this now. I'm responsible for my own feelings and no one else's. I can move forward, and I can get better at saying what I need to say in the right ways. I'm trying, and that's good enough - something I was always told I was wrong about.

[pxrxllel]

loss (01/02/21)

I just received an email that my tree donation has been allocated to a project in my hometown. I made the donation on Wednesday last week at work, while my mom was two hours away settling into the funeral proceedings. I have vague, fleeting, but vivid memories of my grandfather’s funeral - the colours, the shuffling of feet, the smell of the air - but I’m not sure if Western-style funerals are different. My mom said there were nearly 100 people present. I imagined rows upon rows of black silk, handkerchiefs, sniffles, muffled moans, the weight of the lack of closure hanging shrouded over the crowd like storm clouds. Death is never easy to come to terms with, and especially not under these circumstances. 

In Auckland, I typed my message into the donation box: “For Joy - wherever you are now, hope you find peace, love, and happiness.” Hitting submit was my way of sending my wish out into the universe, sealing the letter. I had tried to write about it the weekend before, but my emotions have been all choked up and scrambled at the back of my throat. When I told my housemates I could barely get the words out in order. It’s stunning how you don’t know how things affect you until they happen to you. She was never a main character in the landscape of my life, but I guess it’s never been more obvious how all the chainlinks are connected. 

I think of her, a lot. I spend a lot of time walking, 45 minutes to and from work. It’s always in the afternoon when the breeze is streaming through, and all the walls and roads and windows are glossy orange from the sun. I search for her in the speckled concrete, in the grass patches, the pebbles, the dimpled surface of the ledge outside my door. I don’t mean to. It’s just where my thoughts go, as if the question of why is a small gust of wind blowing about in the cavern of my mind. I don’t mind it too much, they’re not intrusive thoughts, and I think her family coming to terms with it all helps a lot. 

[pxrxllel]

lightness of being (18/01/21)

Happy new year!

I’m just dropping a quick note to remind myself of something that I’d like to hold onto and refer back to. It’s an emotional state that I’ve noticed I slip into sometimes and it’s basically how I would describe me at my best and healthiest, so in that sense I think it’s something to strive towards. 

Remember how I felt after taking that sunset stroll after dinner to Starbucks on Queen? I was marvelling at all the trees and the pink sky stretching across the motorway, and all the headlights rushing past. I passed parks I didn’t know existed, and trodded across paths I’d only driven past previously. It was a really grounding experience. When I got there, I ordered a black forest frappuccino and headed upstairs, sat myself down and cracked open The Fifth Agreement and the pink notebook Sophia gave me for Christmas and started reading and note taking. The chapters I read were about how our minds create the realities we live in and so we can end our earthly suffering and create peace within ourselves by rejecting the narratives we tell ourselves on autopilot. Because of this, we never have to take anything personally, especially not other people’s criticisms of us, because they are nothing more than a reflection of the wounds they’ve accumulated through experiencing life without as much self-awareness. 

I was in the middle of my reading when the girl next to me asked me what I was reading because she liked the cover. I didn’t really know how to narrow such a large concept down to a single sentence so I just described it broadly as self-help, and from there we had a short conversation about psychology. She was studying computer science and psych and talked about how different the mental approaches to the two fields were. I offered for her to take a photo of the cover if she was interested. She left about 10 minutes before I was planning to, and we waved bye.

Just as I was about to leave, the girl sitting on the other side of me asked what I was reading and why I was taking notes. She was an international student from Saudi about to head home after finishing her studies. I gave her the same basic explanation and she thought it was very cool. I also had a brief conversation with her about her time in New Zealand, but I had to catch my bus so couldn’t stay to chat longer. 

As I walked out onto Vic St W and past the Sky Tower to the bus stop outside the church, I felt something incredible. I’ve felt it before, but it’s only been in fleeting moments. It’s a feeling of lightness, of brightness, of peace and contentment, of energy. It felt like I loved the world, the world was a happy and kind and safe place, and the world loved me back. I felt connected to the energetic force that binds everything in the universe together - totally and utterly at peace. Like if I had no hunger at all and I kept being offered food, I felt like I was overflowing with abundance and was actively wanting to give and spread. It’s a feeling of generosity and richness of spirit. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s a physical and emotional state that contrasts so heavily with how I am when I’m feeling down (heavy, aching, open wounds, sensitive). I would definitely say it feels like spiritual enlightenment. 

Anyway, just recording this so I have a graphic description to refer back to. My goal is to get into this state more because I truly think that that is me at my best.