#you make life easier on autistics like ya boi

[gripes-withthesun]

Appreciation post for everyone explaining a joke in comments and posts when someone doesn't get it, for people willing to explain pop culture references that fly over someone's head, for people answering genuine questions about some issue someone has trouble understanding, for people who take enquiries about "common sensical" stuff in good faith, I love you <3

[dolugecat]

On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

[unovasaved-a]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

Name: Keres Pronouns: They/Them Preference of Communication: Scream your intentions towards me into the void I will respond upon receiving the energy. (Real Talk O’clock: Tumblr or Discord are equally easy for me, I just take forever to respond cause anxiety is a massive bitch) Name of Muse(s): Rosa. I’ve also got other blogs outside of Pokemon but I’m not using them much rn Experience/How Long (Months/Years?): I was here when the ancient texts were written. I will be here when the texts fade into nothing but dust in space. (Roleplaying on tumblr since like 2013 or 2012, Roleplaying in general since like 2009) Platforms you’ve Used: I think I’ve only ever used Tumblr and Discord as well as like participating in RPG’s IRL Best Experience: Making some of my closest friends and writing some of my absolute BEST writing in the TWST community ngl. I’m not really social or active on my Idia blog much but I love being able to message my friends from that blog and still able to talk with them about our favorite D*sney anime boys. Fluff, Angst, or Smut: Angst and fluff mostly. I really enjoy psychological angsty threads that delve deep into characters. But I also really like when characters can just relax together and show who they are without all the stress of angst weighing down on them. Both dig well into your characters and how they react in different positions. I love them both. I don’t write smut much even with my of age muses cause well smut bores me. I just don’t vibe with it, ya know. Plots or Memes: Both. Memes are probably the fastest way to get the ball rolling but even that takes time with me cause of life and my own slowness. But plots tend to get longer threads and better communication between me and my partner I find. However I really enjoy both. Long or Short Replies: Nothing I write is short. I can’t even use Twitter properly due to the character limit. I can write with partner’s short replies but my replies almost always wind up being long and windy. Best Time to Write: Probably night only cause I’m awake at night anyways. Though recently on my days off I’ve been getting a lot of writing done during the afternoon and morning so I guess it just depends. Are you Like your Muse(s): I think I put a bit of myself into all my muses. But I wouldn’t say I’m really like any of my muses cause all of my muses are a bit different. I tend to put my own interests into my muses a lot but at the same time I also pick up a lot of muses who share my interests. So that’s kind of a question of which came first the chicken or the egg. I also tend to make almost all my muses autistic and/or adhd like me which might just be projecting but fuck it.

[black-rose-writings]

Reading Twilight because I hate myself - Preface - Chapter 1

Chapters: Preface&1, 2, 3&4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9&10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15&16, 17, 18-20, 21-Epilogue

It’s start this by saying I have never read this book before - I was too young when it first came out and by the time I was old enough, I was also “not like the other girls” and the book was out of fashion, kinda. But Twilight reneissance seems kinda fun and I wanted to see what this shit was all about. I do have some vague ideas about the plot from watching people roasting it, but this is my first time actually reading this book.

I have also not watched any of the movies, but I plan to in the near future, preferably with some alcohol nearby.

I will also probably be comparing this to the Grishaverse books, because the two universes have a lot in common as far as I know.

Preface:

Murder time, yay!

Also, I am once again reminded of ho much I hate first person POV stuff.

Bella is a dramatic bitch (affectionate, at least for now).

Chapter 1 - First Sight

Wait, this has chapter names? I can’t even remember the last time I’ve read an actual book with actual chapter names.

Oh, yeah, american measurement system. Should I get a covnerter ready?

Wow, clothing descriptions being the first thing of the book... what is this, 2013 Wattpad fic?

(I’m guessing Twilight is where that was popularized, or? Also, I looked it up and apparently, I was 3 years old when this book came out, so my knowledge of this time period is and will be extremely limited)

Bella’s mom is... yikes. Either she’s a fucking useless idiot or Bella is an extremely judgemental girl. Maybe both.

I get that Bella never spent much time with her dad, but calling him by his first name is a bit weird to me. IDK, I’m lucky enough to have lived with both my parents my entire life, so maybe this is normal when there’s separation?

Ah, yes, another time tested trope of a YA protagonist - she’s a clumsy bitch. At least this one doesn’t have to spell it out, lol.

At least you’re honest about it (unlike others *cough cough* Alina Starkov *cough cough*), though damn, you’re really bitchy about it.

But homegirl seems to be trying to be nice to people.

I feel her on the conversation part.

Maybe it’s just the e-book I got, but it seems like some words are just... unnecessarily capitalized?

I don’t know jack-shit about cars, but I’m glad she’s happy.

Oh, right, internet is not an everywhere thing yet. Wow, it’s been a while, huh?

What’s so weird about sharing a bathroom with someone? As long as you can lock it, I don’t see the issue? Is that an american thing?

As a socially awkward bean myself, I kinda feel the relief of being left alone.

Okay, this might be projection on my part, but I’m getting some autistic/neurodivergent vibes from Bella. Anyone else?

And her dad might be too. Like, from that short description of him, he definitelly reminds me of my dad. I know that Eddy-boy’s inability to read her mind is somehow genetic, so maybe his powers just don’t work on autistic people?

Yeah, fuck the rain, I agree.

Metal detectors? Americans have metal detectors at school? I mean, I’m not surprised, but damn.

Sure, Bella, sure.

I’m a not a novice to “physical descriptions when you don’t know the character name”, but I’ve been warned she’s mean about it, so let’s see.

I don’t understand american schools, in case that wasn’t clear, so I’m weirded out by the “have some classes together”.

Oof, the dreaded “Introduce yourself”. Yeah, I feel that. We’ve had a couple “circles of torment” in my classes this year and I wanted to strange the teacher.

(Circle of torment is a nickname me and my classmates gave to the “Let’s go one by one and introduce yourself” thing).

Doesn’t like eye contact? Another point to the “Bella is autistic” counter. I think I’ll just try to go through this book with that headcanon in mind. Might make things a little easier.

Yeah, we get it, you’re a pasty bitch. Just insert “vampire” instead of albino into all those references and I can guarantee you I’ve made them myself.

Bella is bi, confirmed, lol.

The Cullens are cryptids, confirmed. Everyone knows they’re vampires and they don’t say anything, because the Cullens don’t bother anyone.

If I ever misspell Jasper as Jesper, I am very sorry.

“Don’t judge people for being infertile.“ for now, anyway.

He probably just needs to shit and didn’t get the chance to go during the break, chill out, girl.

Bella senses danger. She’s right.

He’s not really mean? He literally didn’t do anything? He was just sitting there? Calm down?

Mike is going to be a weird creepy nice guy, isn’t he?

PE is hell on earth, indeed. I’m so glad I don’t have it in college.

I don’t know jackshit about driving or cars, as I said, but crying while driving seems risky.

[softer-ua]

in regards to what you pointed out a few posts ago, ngl one of my least favorite fandom things is when they make Kaminari the Har Har Stupid Joking ADHD Bi Playboy Who Is Never Serious Trope. like, he's very smart, 'worst in ___ area of a UA course' is very impressive and I don't remember if it even said that or just that he was studying with some other students, worried about his grades overall, calls himself stupid with implied insecurities about it, and didn't think he was very smart compared to the other people in the course. quirk overuse makes him loopy, incoherent, and think everything's funny. and yeah, he's a bit of a flirt and made a few perverted comments and actions that he clearly didn't think through that well. I'm pretty sure he's not ever stated to be bi in the manga because it was written by a coward, so I think people should think more about why they're associating and pairing together the idea of "hot flirty playboy who if legally able would sleep with everyone he meets" with emphasis or joke in the captions of whatever the content is on him being bi. I don't think this is inherently bad, even put together, but the execution feels kind of :/ and shallow. and I mainly just wish they'd pause to consider if there's any reason (subconscious or intentional) why one of those makes them think about the other, and at the very least lean back to see if they're blatantly making those traits centric around each other and tweak how they're showing them a little. Part of this is also because it's basically his fanon sexuality, but then they stick together "oh he's bi and everyone thinks that" and "he's made flirty or perverted comments and actions in canon at some point" and then mentally exaggerate and have this Canon Image of him as *waves hand at above* and I don't think that's happening consciously in most cases but. again. Cookiecutter Bi Party Playboy Who's Made a Date Offer to Everyone In The Building. not a flirty Person or a Playboy who is bi and flirts with more than one genders

I myself headcanon him as adhd and while the exact sexuality depends on my mood I think of/have him as bi in a lot of my content, but it's the same thing with why non adhd people see how he acts and label "adhd!" Especially about comprehension speed and derpy acting and intelligence and attention span jokes/tropes. Again, not bad in and of itself, but the specific parts of his behavior that make them think he's adhd, or that they start making jokes about or Ha Ha ADHD'ing, or that they think is why we project ADHD on him, (which they aren't necessarily wrong about, but like right in a really disrespectful look at how funny this is oh look squirrel way that's only funny when adhd people are doing it and it isn't all mocking like that) when they see other people calling him adhd, are the wrong ones, I think, and it shows in their characterization of him.

I'm not saying that any of those traits are bad in a character, but as a queer adhd girl with very high annual test scores and Gifted Kid Intelligence but extremely poor grades, focus, and brain damage (admittedly nothing like his, it was a longterm passive thing that mainly just made me have a Lot of Really Bad headaches, and closest thing it did to me was make me sluggish and emotional on bad days and also techincally have the potential kill my language bit if left untreated or the surgery messed up, which it didn't, and it won't be a problem again. but even after explaining that it wasn't cancer or any sort of tumor, and after seeing it do very little at all to affect my behavior outside of irritability and performance, because y'know, constant migraines, gone after the surgery but this was before that, Certain People I Was Vaguely Kind Of Acquaintances With started to treat my like I was a fragile glass thing going to to drop dead and revive myself speaking like a comic relief cartoon crazy person at any moment which was. patronizing.) I've since had surgery for, the way the fandom combines them into stereotypes and portrays them really just rubs me the wrong way- "Flirty Bi(tm) Playboy" "Har Har ADHD Can't Focus Or Get Things After They're Explained To Him, He's Still Confused And An Idiot" "Stupid Person With Brain Damage Who Can't Take Care Of Or Think For Themself And Acts Stupid And Funny For People To Laugh At" which tbh is super ableist even and especially when people irl do fit that description, and also reminds me of the Autistic Person Freaking Out And Being Dramatic sense of humor. And I know it's not helped by canon, because it done for comic relief and to limit his powers, but explored more I think it as a limitation could have been used way more interestingly than canon did and also call me biased but that quirk induced brain frying sounds at least as concerning as Izuku's quirk's backlash.

And it's a shame!! Because he's so much more interesting than that! Instead, the fandom gives me the Cookicutter Funny Bi ADHD Flirt Who's An Idiot and I am sad about it.

tbh it reminds me of what happened to percy jackson, esp with the ADHD Idiot Trope thing. which sucks because apparently it originated in the author making up stories around characters like his adhd and dyslexic kid inspired by Greek myths to tell him after running out of actual myths because it was his special interest and he wanted more. and then the series got kind of all over the place and the fandom processed that the adhd and dyslexic main character who does dumb things sometimes but is very combat smart and great at strategizing and leading gets bad grades and has trouble focusing and has, y'know, adhd, and made him the ADHD Idiot and erased his Gifted Kid girl friend's traits and ADHD and dyslexia into No Nonsense Calls Him an Idiot And Thinks He's Stupid And Has To Tell Him What To Do And Manage His Life For Him and honestly that just kind of sucks and it reminds me of what happened to fandom Kaminari. and now that I think of it people have jirou like that around him a lot too.

im fine with you answering this publicly if you want or have something to add but probably tag as ableism and maybe a biphobia mention content warning for people who don't have the energy to deal with thinking about those kinds of negative things rn because I kind of Went Off About It

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences 💚(and double thank you for tag suggestions)💚

I couldn’t agree more that a lot of fandom has messed up Kami’s character, which is why I’ve kinda been posting more about him cause he’s just stuck in my head.

I think a lot of fandoms have trouble with characters like this, people have a hard time with duality in characters and fast/fun posts are easier to make if you flatten a character down.

The did it to Kami, they did it to Percy, they did it to Ron Weasley, they do it to Thor, the list goes on. If being the Smart One ™️ isn’t your thing and you can be goofy than you get pigeonholed into the idiot trope.

I feel for Kami a lot(probably because I have adhd/brain damage too)

It sucks when you’re smart but it’s not the traditional, measurable kind of smart(even if by national comparison Kami technically is).

I got terrible grades growing up, and I pretty much got the absolute lowest gpa you can get and still graduate. But absolutely no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, because I’m not dumb.

(It’s okay if you are “dumb”, I love me a head empty just vibes friend. You’re 100% valid, stil worthy of joining discussions, and should be listened to and taken seriously. This just isn’t about that tho)

I joke sometimes that I’m clever and witty but not smart, because that’s exactly what it feels like.

I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I think I articulate pretty well, I am excellent at finding the humor in things and expressing it in a way that’s funny to others too, and there is almost zero problems I can’t find a work around. And the people in my life love it, and they love to use it.

But eventually everyone in my life finds out that I’m not smart. They see the way I have to pause to Google how to calculate a tip, that I don’t know the name of all 50 states or even where to find them on a map, or I legitimately just can not spell (if you ever see a post where it looks like I used a weird word choice it’s probably because I tried 4 times and autocorrect+Google couldn’t help me and voice to text wasn’t an option)

No one ever questions my intelligence until they find out about my adhd and/or catch me struggling with it. After the mask comes off it’s like they can’t even hear me anymore, nothing I say could be true or matter because I’m now just the goofy accident prone spacy girl. My family literally calls me Spacy

And ya know what sometimes I just let people think that because it’s easier, it’s easier than explaining that I’m dyslexic and that I didn’t have a single geography/history clas until 10th grade and shocker the capital of Iowa doesn’t come up much by then. And it’s easier for me to laugh off losing my keys again than dwell on the fact that sometimes it feels like I’m losing my marbles.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if after this post I get a lot more “fact checkers” and push back on anything else I post.(not talking about people who want to genuinely engage,y’all are always welcome, I’m talking those people who don’t wanna look it up themselves but no longer trust me to know what I’m talking about)

Kami is a sweet brilliant boy. He’s in a nationally high ranking school, he loves the weather channel, he’s careful about his quirk that could easily hurt his friends in combat, he has a very high emotional intelligence level, he wears dorky shirts with electricity puns on them, and he pays attention to his friends and remembers a lot of little things about them.

He wants to be a hero and he takes that seriously, and the series has tried time and time again to tell y’all that smiling and laughter are an important part of that. Kami excels at this part! So what if his history grades don’t rival the top of the class, the top 5 students would struggle hard to do what Kami does.

Iida can’t relax, Momos rather shy, Todo struggles with social cues, Midoriya is canonically not funny, and jfc where to even begin with Katsuki. I’m certain they’ll all grow up to be excellent heros in their own right, but none of them are going to bring the level of joy and camaraderie that Denki can. You can’t test that into someone.

Kami also just notices people differently and has any easy way of joining in with them, he doesn’t struggle approaching Katsuki or Shinso. Sure he doesn’t hit the the nail on the head the same way Deku does but he’s the only one who has the guts and skills to try. Also he’s not that kinda friend, he’s not looking to a save these guys but pal around with them

I think Kami 100% realizes what a special case and tough nut to crack Bakugo is, I don’t think he’s just careless or too dumb realize his life’s at stake or whatever.

I think he’s purposely testing Bakugos boundaries all while trying to not be a threat to Katsukis actual ego and calling Bakugo out when he needs it in a way that not to serious. Kami knows how to be just goofy enough that he’s approachable. He’s also keyed in that the way to Bakugo is through Deku, meanwhile everyone else is stuck believing the opposite.

Kami also realized how important music is to Jiro and saw an opportunity to let her display her skills and combin the two worlds she lives, and he wasn’t afraid to get some back lash from her for it.

Like Deku Kami isn’t afraid to be uncomfortable. You really can’t teach that level of social ease, you can teach the posture and feed people a couple of lines but it’ll never hit the same. Funny approachable people have spent a lifetime learning the craft, usually out of necessity.

It’s actually what gives me the biggest adhd vibes from him, because adhd is (speculated to be) a dopamine deficiency disorder. People with adhd are constantly trying to raise their dopamine levels, and that means looking for praise and reward and nothing makes the human brain light up faster than postative human connections.

Adhd children struggle a lot with connecting with peers and often find making people laugh a fast way into people’s circles and makes it more likely people will overlook being interrupted or spaced out on.

Also adhd people are pretty much forced by their own brain structures to be genuine in all they do, low dopamine levels make it very hard to do things you don’t enjoy because there no promise of dopamine from the activity and you don’t have enough to spare, plus impulsiveness makes it really hard to not show when you do or don’t enjoy something.

I agree that Kami is also painted as overly perverted at times, he’s a little flirty but in a fun casual way but it’s not the foundation of his personality and it’s really mellowed out over the course of the series.

And while I subscribe to the bi hc from his interactions with Jiro and Shinso, we should all be very mindful that we don’t lump these characteristics together. The are separate facets of his personality that are not dependent on each other in anyway.

Kami deserves all the respect and love, I can’t wait to see our electric king again 🖤⚡️🖤

[onemattwolf]

My doctor warned me that it's harder to get as accurate of a dose on the T gel vs the injectable stuff, as the gel doesn't come in that wide of a range of concentrations. Also, I wanted to go for the packets instead of the pump, as it's cheaper and you can get a generic version that way. With the pump, the dosage is easier to alter as you can add or take away a pump from your total dose, ya? With the packets, you can't really do a half pack or something, so from my limited understanding, it's harder to manage. Once I talk to him, i'll probably ask to go up to the next highest concentration, but then I kind of wasted money on the weaker stuff :(

and honestly, while I was going to suggest I go on a lower dosage anyways, and wasn't too worried about the drop in T, I really didn't expect it to drop THIS fast. I booked an appointment with my doc where I can ask for a blood req form to check for sure, but I'm almost certain I'm right as I'm very sensitive to changes in my body.

Also, when I've withdrawm from T before, my stool starts smelling ridiculously like a kerosene lamp (i.e, burning gas) for no reason any medical professional has been able to explain to me. And it's been smelling like that again for about a week? As of today it's stopped, but it's still off. The only explanation medical people can offer me as to why it starts smelling like that is something along the lines of, "well, your GI system is weird as fuck in ways we haven't been able to understand yet, that's probably why?"

So, I immediately knew from my shit that I hit a pretty steep withdrawal, and I could also tell from my changes in mood and such. Not Bad per se, more it's stuff I've become unfamiliar with as I haven't felt like this in almost 3 years.

I've been more hyper, a bit more combative and less censored, more easily stressed... I feel like my family hasn't appreciated how much T has chilled me out. Like, do they even remember the last time I'd get so stressed I'd scream at them?

Sure, T has made me generally happier, but also? In the last 3 years I have never felt this calm or in my body in my whole life. I've been able to express emotion easier, cry easier, and my maternal instincts were off the charts. I was finally feeling like I could chill instead of feeling like I was always climbing up the walls from boerdom, or needing to pace constantly or walk super fast to calm myself down.

While I was always taught to seem, uh, not like that in front of non-family—unless it was a friend/friend group I felt I could let loose with, let all my hyper silliness out, or, alternatively, I was around someone that naturally calmed me down, so I was genuinely chiller with them—at home my family often saw me like this. Also, when I was a kid, my teacher's did too.

I feel like the person assessing me for ADHD said that if I had been assessed with ADHD as a kid, I might've been diagnosed with the hyperactive type, even though at that time girls were barely diagnosed as being any kind of neurodiverse. For an example: in the report cards I provided for the assessment, teachers often commented that I was unable to sit still. But, I was a quiet kid, so unless I was actively getting up from my seat to walk around (which, up until grade 6, I was constantly reminded to not do that; according to the psychologist, though, my grade 5 teacher had requested I be given special accommodation to be able to do that when I needed to, since she saw I was quite stressed when being made to sit still), I wasn't labelled as being "disruptive" enough to have ADHD. And then, with the calming effect of the T, inattentiveness started being the only thing I was presenting as. I started T in the middle of that assessment, I believe.

Not that it really matters? I spent most of my childhood/adolescents/early adulthood like this, I can adjust. I've missed this in a lot of ways?? And at least my stool smells normal again, which means my levels have at least plateaued.

But.... Uh... I feel like my period might start soon and I'm trying not to freak. I mean, not that I hated it before? It helped me keep track of time passing, lol. But if it's starting it means my T levels dropped WAY lower then they should've. Like, my period stopped almost the first week of starting the gel the first time. Is my body straight up rejecting the gel after all that time on the stronger injectable stuff?

Oh boy. at least I know i'm not manic? My base meds were just as effective pre-T as they were on T, and I have my case manager and therapist keeping track of that. But, now my dose of concerta doesn't seem half as effective (I'm on a rather low dose anyways), and weed has gone back to having minus an effect on me. As in, pre T, all weed really did was calm me down/make me feel a bit more physically aware, vs. making me feel "high." Like, it did happen, but only if I smoked a bit too much or I was smoking suuuper strong stuff. And, I never really liked doing either of those things (unless I was in a group and I didn't want to feel left out), which is why I barely smoke. But Just when I was feeling like I wanted the pick-me-up that I've now learnt to expect from weed while I've been Testosterone dominant, it's back to being a nil experience. Even smoking stuff that had the desired effect just last month. Like honestly it's v annoying. I even bought weed for the first time in like... 2 years, to finally replace the super dry stuff my brother gave me in March of 2020, eheheh. Things have been rough and I just wanted a bit more of a mental reprieve. I didn't want to feel MORE of everything, god damnit.

So, sure, I kind of missed parts of being estrogen dominant, because it's familiar and I feel some nostalgia for past me. And, like, my transition goal was never to stay on T my whole life. It was to get the effects I wanted from it, and either withdraw completely or go on a lower dose. But, honestly, I wasn't ready for the latter thing yet.

It's honestly ridiculous how much more masc I was in certain ways pre T. More energetic, more combative (but not really in an angry way? It was just my sense if humour), wanting to roughhouse constantly, and in certain senses—and this depended on context, like teachers in subjects I really loved saw me like this the most—more visibly autistic. If I had a nickle for every time a teacher in highschool or college, who was teaching a subject I was excited by, asked me to stay behind after class and then inquire if I'd ever been diagnosed with Autism, i'd have at least 4 nickles.

From a medical stance, it's really fascinating, and if I could get myself to sit still enough and focus i'd be taking notes. But actually experiencing this?? Like I literally just threw out all of my sister's period products, and I'm feeling a bit too self conscious to buy more because I'm immediately read as a man now. Like, I'm gonna have to, I know there's no shame in it. But I feel like there's some dysphoria holding me back as well.

And like, it may not be what I think it is, or it may just end up spotting, but yknow, preparedness was always something i prided myself on. I hate the cramps and the headache and feeling the water retention. I can't believe how uncomfortable it feels after not having to deal with this for all this time???

Ughhh and my dad is coming home tonight and i'm gonna have to deal with him while i'm feeling like shit. And then I can't even tell him Why i'm feeling like shit cus it'll create a huge awkward conversation.

[chilling-seavey]

hey, so this may be a hard to answer but i kinda didn't have anyone else to talk to about this:/. for a while, i have always been self conscious about my differences. i have been researching about autism lately and i've noticed that my "symptoms" are very similar to ones that i've researched. i just wanted to ask about how your story about it, if you're comfortable:) anyway yea i might just be overthinking it

Hey anon! Thanks for sharing! First off, take it from me first hand, there’s nothing you gotta be self conscious about! Easier said than done, I know, but our differences are what makes us unique and that’s not something to hide. 

I wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. Autism in boys is often more prevalent so it’s easy for us girls to be overlooked and end up having to figure out ways to cope with symptoms etc themselves for sometimes our whole lives! I obviously don’t know if you’re a boy or a girl and even still, autism is such a wide spectrum that what I deal with may be completely different than what you are dealing with. In any sense, autism isn’t like another mental diagnosis and it is perfectly fair to self-diagnose without input of a professional if one wishes. Yet, at the same time, it can also tend to be like googling your illness symptoms and the website that pops up says ‘you have a mild headache? you’re dying’ when that isn’t necessarily true! Sometimes asking for some professional opinions on what you think might be symptom could be your best bet! But it’s personal preference too!

In my case? My whole life, I was more of the weird outsider girl. I often sat at recess alone with my stuffed animal (that I had since I was born and is still my comfort even know at nearly 21!) and my books and I wasn’t necessarily bullied but I was picked on a little in elementary school for being different. I wasn’t ‘cool’ and I was socially a ‘late-bloomer’ and never seemed to really keep up with the other kids. Honestly, I just thought I was shy.

Once I had to get a psychological test for university done at age 18, my therapist recommended that I do some advanced tests for ASD (autism-spectrum-disorder) and it was then that my results really opened my eyes that - holy crap everything made sense now. In particular, one of the tests I had to do was facial recognition where she showed me an image of a person making a facial expression and I had to tell her what emotion they were feeling. Another was listening to someone say a line and I had to repeat the tone of voice used to mimic their emotion. I scored so low on these tests. I never realized that this was something I struggled with and I soon learn its because of something called ‘masking’. 

Masking is super prominent in girls with autism because our symptoms may not be as strong or ‘typical’ as those in boys. It essentially is our mind’s way of reading our environment and forcing ourselves to play a part to ‘fit in’ whether it be through mimicking social cues or other things. It’s exhausting and most times you don’t even realize you’re doing it! 

One thing that I can joke about now that I am more comfortable with the familiarity of my diagnosis is what I call my ‘sensory sensitives’. (If you read my writing on here, Penelope in ABM has a few of these!). This is often common in autistic people where certain textures or sounds or other triggers can make you ‘freak out’ (for lack of a better word). I remember when I was little, if my bedsheets weren’t pulled perfectly tight and flat, I would have a bit of a meltdown until mum stripped my bed and remade it. Even now, more often than not, I have to strip my bed and remake it before getting back in if my sheets are too wrinkly. 

I could go on for ages talking about my own experiences and if you want to hear more I can share but the main idea to take from this are as follows:

1. Everyone is different. Everyone as in humans and everyone as in all autistics. So what I have expressed about my own experience here may be different from what you have been experiencing but that doesn’t mean one of us is more valid than the other or has a more ‘serious case’ than the other

2. Don’t go searching for something for the sake of searching. This has obviously been on your mind and it’s good that you can recognize this in yourself! If you are worried about a) what this means b) if it medically factual for yourself c) anything else, bring it up to a family member you trust or a councilor or doctor! Not everyone in your social circle is going to be accepting, especially if you are “high functioning” (I use that term loosely) because us in that category “don’t look autistic”. Just remember there’s no mould you need to fit in to be x y z and having a certain diagnosis or not doesn’t mean you are or aren’t any less of your own great self!

3. It’s not something to be scared about. It’s who you are! Autism is something you’re born with and, yes, it can be tiring for others and especially yourself, but it’s just a piece of your personality and you just have to find a way to work with it! Like if you have an allergy for instance, it’s annoying and can get in the way, but it’s just something you have and you need to take certain care through it! So don’t be too hard on yourself. It can be a weird time through possible acceptance and diagnosis (whether self or medical) and crying out your frustrations is certainly valid (I have plenty of times myself) but you aren’t broken and you aren’t scary and you have no reason to be self conscious over any differences you may have. Being social is freaking tiring to try and keep up with neurotypicals so just know your limits and be kind to yourself

I hope this helped if at all...I didn’t mean to write a whole ass novel in reply lol oops. But if you have any more questions or anything you can always shoot me a dm or another ask 🥰 I’m here for ya and I wish you luck in however you chose to progress with this!! 

[musketeer-system]

About Me (Boot)

I am doing this ask meme by the-appreciation-club as a questionnaire as there are some questions no one in the system wants to answer/little point in answering, but I want to share more about myself.

🎭 Any polar opposites in the system? Describe their differences. Me and Nate are sort of opposites, Nate swears a lot and I feel uncomfortable with it. Nate gets angry a lot, I tend to get sad rather than angry.

🎁 What are some favourite gifts alters have received? My IKEA shark I got for christmas is my favourite! A pusheen plush is the host’s favourite, Nate’s favourite is some biscuit cutters he got and Saiph has a sticker saying their gender is the sun, which they like loads because they are heliogender.

🐀 Are there any alters who want pets? If so, what pets? I want a lobster, a hermit crab or shrimps, Nate wants a cat or rats, Saiph wants to raise moths and butterflies and the host want to have frogs and chickens.

🎥 Does any alter(s) want to start/already have a YouTube/Twitch channel? (For gaming, art, etc.) I want to start a twitch or youtube channel for the Sims and Minecraft but everyone else doesn’t think it would be safe. We don’t have a very good laptop anyway so it might not be possible.

🎮 What are some games that alters like to play, if any? (Board games, video games, etc.) I like Minecraft and the Sims, the host likes the Sims, Civ 5 and Elder Scrolls Oblivion and Saiph likes Elder Scrolls Oblivion and Skyrim. Nate is willing to play video games but doesn’t really want to play games.

📚 What are some alters' favourite book/movie/music genre(s)? I’m not super into music but I do like traditional songs/folk songs, ones in Gaelic are my favourite and I’m learning to play the kalimba. I like cosy films and TV shows, ones about friends and family being nice to each other are my favourite. I tend to read non-fiction books. Saiph is the big reader in the system. They enjoy fantasy and historical novels, from children’s, to YA, to adult fiction. Saiph enjoys relaxing music like City Girl and Snail’s House. Saiph for TV and Movie likes period dramas. They just finished rewatching Downton Abbey with our sister as she had never seen it before. Nate likes rock and post-rock music which the host enjoys too. The host also likes weird music like Crumb, Beach House, Still Corners and Sigur Ros, it makes my brain feel weird. Nate doesn’t read very much but secretly he likes manga. He likes intense emotional things to watch. The host likes to read non-fiction books too, often about botany or ecology and also enjoys manga. They like anime, slice of life and fantasy a lot but they also enjoy murder mystery shows, period dramas and comedy shows with a fantasy twist, they don’t enjoy normal comedy too much.

📿 Is there differing religions/beliefs within the system? I don’t believe in anything like religion or magic but I think it would be cool if fairies, mermaids, selkies and other things did exist but I don’t think they do. Saiph and the host are both pagan and do magic though and believe in fairies and spirits but they are both unsure on whether mermaids exist. The host believes that dryads exist. Saiph and the host’s paganism is with different pantheons. Nate says he doesn’t give it any thought and he doesn’t care.

💸 Do differing wants of alters ever make it difficult to save money? Yes, Saiph once spent £50. The rest of the system wasn’t very happy at the time but everyone agrees now it is okay. Saiph had been away for seven years and did not have anything to call their own so they bought things. I sometimes get excited in shops when I see a dinosaur or sea creature so I often spend our change but that hasn’t happened in a long time because of lockdown.

📖 How do you deal with memory loss between alters? - or - How do you deal with shared memories between alters? We think we don’t have much memory loss but we do have what the host calls ‘lag’. If a memory was formed when we weren’t fronting, but we need to remember it, it takes longer than if we had formed the memory. Saiph had a week long lag when they reappeared and slowly memories from the time they missed became easier to remember. After a week they got very sad because they remembered sad things that had happened while they were away and it was very upsetting for Saiph. But then Saiph had the same access to memories like the other three of us.

💭 What do you think about other alters in the system? I think Saiph is very kind and is actually helping me write right now, the host is very clever but they sometimes upset me because I feel like they don’t want us here. This is why I have to say the host rather than their name because they don’t want people to know. Nate can be mean sometimes and a bit scary but he is like a cool big brother. He watches My Hero Academia with me so when scary blood things happen he is there to help.

🕶️Do you imitate the host (if applicable)? Yes I do, we all do.

🎲 What are some hobbies you would like to get into if time and money weren't an issue? I want to learn how to program and to make video game graphics. I want to make my own simulation game one day. The host wants to make an RPG one day too.

🎂 Do you have a birthday? If so what day? (Not the same date as the body's birthday) We all view the body’s birthday as our birthday. None of us can remember forming so it makes sense for us.

📇 Did you choose your name? Or did you just have it? If you chose it, how did you choose it? I was watching Sarah & Duck and it was when the host was realising that I exist but they were still being mean and saying that I was imaginary. It was an episode in the rain so the characters put on welly boots and I thought Boot sounded like a I am here and real name so I chose it.

💈 What do you think of the body’s haircut? Is there another style you'd want more? I want short spikey hair but everyone else wants longer hair so we have long hair.

👨‍👦 How tall are you compared to the body? How does it affect you? I feel slightly shorter but it doesn’t really effect me. Everyone else feels the same height as the body.

🎙️ How comfortable are you with the body's voice? How do you change it (if at all)? I can’t wait to go on T and for it to break! I want people to know I’m a boy. I change how lively the voice is and how I pace my words.

⚡ Do you have sensory issues where other alters do not? How do you deal with that? We all have the same brain so we are all autistic and have some sensory issues but I seem to be the most sensitive, especially with taste and sound. I use ear defenders to help with sound and I try to have food that I like when I am here but when I can’t Nate takes over.

[satyrdaymornings]

I rarely post anything on this hellsite but I wrote an essay a while a back about why I write urban fantasy

This is not a critique of Tom’s essays but maybe an elaboration on what it means for a Fantasy to be True and it to explore the genre I tend to write and create. Urban Fantasy. I will be exploring my relationship with writing urban fantasy, the realness of characters, the places and the reasons why I choose to write in this genre.

Tom's books were a panacea for me as a young awkward autistic child. I started reading them in around sixth grade. I started with Heartlight, read The Ancient One then The Merlin Effect. By the time I started reading the Lost Years I was also invested in the Legend of Zelda series and even worldbuilding my own fictional world at fourteen and fifteen. It was the late 90s and early Oughts. The use of the internet to share stories and worlds was not available to me at such ready hands as my students have. I was pulled into these stories, lost in Finacyra and in Avalon. I wanted to be part of these worlds. I wanted to escape the bullies, the violent anxiety and chronic suicidal ideation and ride on the wings of Trouble the hawk and befriend Merlin. It was also the first moment I started to unfurl the first feelings of gender dysphoria. It was through the eyes of Merlin and then Tamwyn when I felt stirrings how I wanted to be them. Not join them but to be a boy on a big epic adventure. Sure girls can go on them, but it seems like the male characters had the better ones. At least in my fourteen year old head. But it was also when I started to notice other things too. I couldn't quite relate to the main characters as much as I wanted. I wasn’t like Kate from Barron’s early books and while I liked Merlin, his struggles were not mine. Yes there echoes, I see them now. How Merlin was disconnected by his father was a sympathy I had, as I was disconnected from my own. Barron’s stories were an adventure, an escape-and one that influenced me tremendously. Yet, they did not resonate in me deeply. While the characters were indeed real, none of them shared my problems, and I shared-really, none of theirs.

In 2001, I joined high school with some battlescars. I escaped Catholic school, wounded but determined to try again. I was in public school, my mother hoped here I would find friends and escape the violence of bullying. I did find the former but I did not escape the later. I was still reading Barron, but I also moved to David Clement-Davies for anthropomorphic fiction, I found Orson Scott-Card (before I knew how goddamn nuts he was) I also started discovered around the same time as Barron, Stephen Lawhead who’s rather preachy but deeply complex historical fantasy became a huge influence. I would even go so far as to say, that Lawhead was a huge reason why I am a practicing Druid and a member of a Druid church. It was also when I got my hands on my Terri Winding’s Bordertown and her anthologies. Suddenly I found characters whose eyes I could see through. Homelessness, drug use and addiction, running away, mental illness. These were all things I could wrap my hands on and go yes, that's what I deal with granted no in the same way as the folks in Bordertown can. It was my first taste of Urban Fantasy and I was hooked.

In Barron’s essay he talks about the realness of place. He draws massive influence from his experiences in Pasfic Northwest, Japan, and of course the Rockies. You can see that clearly in the Great Tree of Avalon. The protagonist Tamwyn explores Stoneroot and I can almost see him Stonewood looking just like Great Divide. However, I don’t live with the massive gaze of ancient mountains. Stoneroot, and Waterroot, and Woodroot, are far away to me. I can’t grasp them. But, I got Bordertown. It feels much closer. I could smell both asphalt of Bordertown, hear the police sirens and see both homeless men and elves alike. That seems more real to me. Because I know I’ve been to Bordertown.

I started working on Styx Water in 2013 as my Nanowrimo. It ballooned into this expansive massive story with struggle, love, sex, death, policial intrigue. It was here I crafted the lessons that I was taught from Barron and the myriad of other authors. Fantasy Must Be True-which I agree, yet there is another axis to this. Fantasy Must Be Real. What I mean is that there is a level of grounding I think that is needed at least for my genre. The grounding I found in Bordertown-and it's sister Neverwhere. Was at it's heart-what drove me to write in that genre. Because while I loved high fantasy and the exciting places I did travel. Sometimes I just needed to stay home rather than run from my problems.

Grounding is what gave my character’s substance. Hermes and Calix problems and stories while also fantastic were also rooted in a space that the reader has been in. Hermes’s struggle with mental illness is a road that many have been on. Indigo’s story of being non-binary is one we have heard before, often in different verses but one that is rarely told. While these are all my characters, I am not the only one that is doing neurodiverse and gender variant protagonists. There has been a dearth of stories in YA that have been taking advantage of the characters and stories that are more rooted in the reality of readers. We’re seeing more queer and disabled heroes and I am all here for it. Fantastic stories and grand adventures and powerful lessons were now available for people like me.

The meaning and messages of fantasy are to be true. Barron stated for a reader to be invested and to be deep within the narrative, the meaning must feel true. His messages are flavors of spiritual enlightenment, deep love for nature, and the triumph of light over dark. Powerful soup for a lonely and starve teen. Message of recovery from trauma, finding self-love, accepting loss and grief and the building the skill of asking for help. Themes that are dotted in my own fiction. Hermes' grand adventure of using the power of the River Styx and saving the world, is balanced with his need to take his medication, going to therapy, fighting with his sister and repairing his relationship with his step-dad. There is a sense of gravity urban fantasy has that high (or low for that matter) doesn’t have in my option. The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher is a crime noir with wizards than the elf kids slumming in Bordertown. It's gravity of relationships and real world problems are often eclipsed by the metaphysical and paranormal ones. Who cares about making rent when the Queen of Summer is after your butt? The flow of Big Problems (like saving the world and supernatural events) and Small Problems (Finishing homework, dealing with a new baby, finalizing a divorce) are a careful balance of realness and adventure. Big Problems show grand truths like ‘love can heal’ and ‘friendship is powerful’. Small Problems show smaller more intimate truths, “Compromise to succeed,” “It's okay to be mad,” and “you can be yourself.” Big Problems can certainly showcase those truths, but Small Problems do it in a more concentrated way. Loneliness on a small scale, small lense, feels more real. We can sit with the protagonist in his lonely moments. We can have this intimate space with them.

And perhaps that is why I write urban fantasy. The intimate Small Problems makes my writing True. It's easier to blend the slice-of-life Small Problems with the Big Problems of a massive epic in a place that we all know. The Small Problems make the story Real, in a way that larger massive narratives lack. I want to know the Small Problems. Does Merlin ever feel uncomfortable in his body while he goes through puberty? Tamwyn has to work with a splitting headache? Has Kate ever been in detention? Do any of the characters struggle with finding the difference between love and sexual lust, a common problem for many teens? Small Problems are not distractions, they are extra bits of garlic or chili flake in a dish. Knowing our grand heroes also have real human problems makes them grounded and tangible.

This is not a novel concept, many great authors have blended real issues that teens face with the hypercosmic problems of a greater narrative. Rick Riordan and Neil Schusterman both do a fantastic job in writing teenagers. Liba Bray and Nancy Farmer give us flesh out rounded characters with both Big and Small problems. I love writing the Small Problems. I love spending quality intimate time with my characters. I like over hearing lunchroom rumors and crude humor. I love the secret confessions made in the still mornings of a weekend. The passing of a bowl of weed or a bottle of beer behind the backs of the adults. I also love the intimate moments of my growns too. Kalliope (Hermes’ mom) paging through old photos of years gone by. Conversations spoke in Greek to her mother in law. Finishing a deadline and celebrating with wine. Love making on a warm Saturday morning. Those moments are sharp tang or the gush of sweet in a bite that makes the meal more rich and more enjoyable. And writing those moments adds a sense of Real to the big narrative of saving the world.

Barron’s statement about what makes fantasy True is the same as what makes fantasy Real. Readers need to believe in the places and feel the wholeness of the characters and the messages in the story, but also the characters need to feel the realness of the reader. They are not absent from the story. Readers should be more than passive voyeurs. They should be on their quest too and their problems, as Small as they are, should not less but the same as the Big ones and just as True and Real.

Kramer.