#you know?? I don't give a fuck if people don't like Cats I know it's not for everyone and that's FINE
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i got an alien aisha from a fountain faerie quest 🥺 i named her cosmica...
#neopets#alien aisha#aisha#cats#art#neopets fanart#nostalgia#y2k#doodles#Twice Ever in my life have i used real life money to buy a fictional currency for pretend items. the second time was to make a slot#just so i could make and paint a brand new neopet bc all my free slots were full. best $5 i ever spent#now her name is not exactly cosmica but i don't want people finding my account. but also i need you to know i got reeeaaallly lucky#with the name. its hard to brag about the name without giving away the exact name asdfjklsdf#i have three fucking aishas. i like the cats ok#there are lots of pets i would like to own in theory but pet slots are limited and i don't want to buy another one#unless they release a really really cute color for the vandagyre. then i will make. ONE more
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Me, episode 1: Oh, a relatable protag! And a relatable female protag, at that. Sweet! That never happens.
Me, a few episodes in: Wait, the protag really is going to be my character? The one I identify with the most? Seriously? It's not going to be a strange, at least somewhat sinister, seemingly hostile male side character? It's gonna be a female character and the protagonist? That's insane, that literally never happens... what's the catch??
Me, more than halfway through the season: ... huh, I guess Maomao really is it. Okay, then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Me to myself, after episodes 22/23:
#i let my guard down#i should have known#like really i should know better by now lmao#that's probably the best depiction of prosopagnosia i've seen in fiction ngl#also luo//men's suggestion re: using other attributes to tell people apart??#A++ approach what a guy#mine isn't nearly as severe but i totally use footsteps/gait/mannerisms as my primary means of distinguishing people#the very few people i care about i can definitely recognize by facial features#and people i see frequently; though i do have trouble recognizing them if they appear in a context i'm not used to#like. if i were to see one of my sword classmates at my workplace for instance i would have trouble recognizing them#but anyone else? forget it#the most difficult part of working veterinary front desk was returning animals to their owners#bc even though i could have /just/ spoken with the owners like. ten minutes ago#i couldn't tell you which animal belonged to which owner#faces just don't register with me#dogs were easier in that i'd just let them lead me to their owners#but if it was a cat in a carrier i was fucked lmaooo#it's why if there was another receptionist working i'd let them handle any hand offs XDD#i don't remember most of my childhood but i have some very vivid impressions of moments like#my mother asking me to go give a cash tip to the hairdresser who did her hair and me being unable to pick who it was out#of everyone that was working even though i'd been there with them for two plus hours.#or like. taking the school bus home and being unable to recognize my bus monitor and so getting on the wrong bus#and also getting ridiculed about this by my parents lol. ah good times.#on the other hand i can easily recognize a dog i've met once or twice even years later. and remember their name.#i think it all mostly comes down to disinterest for me. i've tried to change this but it's just how i am#so. he's very relatable. painfully so#also the pragmatism and rationality and hyperfixating on things.#i've never hyperfixated on another person tho and i am so grateful for that every single day#i know in my bones it would be an absolute disaster XD#withoutwords
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you guys I'm losing my MIND
I have NEVER seen this sort of thing in any other fandom I've been in and I LOVE IT
#barring doctor who ofc. ik it's there. I'm simply not deep enough#I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE 698 PAGES FROM 1995. WE NEED TO TALK. YOU ARE LONGER THAN THE ACTUAL BOOKS I READ#you have beat warrior cats by about 400 fucking pages. oh my god#I think the only thing I read that is even CLOSE to/beats this page count are SOME of the realm of the elderlings books THAT'S CRAZY#people should give me more archived fics like this I want to explore#I'm so in love I'm soo charmed half the time I don't even end up liking them but I don't wanna stop#cause it's like a little piece of history. on my screen!!!!#idr what aol is!!!! I'm too young for that!!! and I sent these to my friend first and learned about EMAIL LISTS THAT'S SO AWESOME#and you KNOW I'll be exploring fucking x-libris thank you VERY much#I can't even begin to figure out how to navigate the first one. 1/15??? how do I even find the rest????#and that other fic mentioned!! I wanna find that too!!! how!!!!!#x-files#the x files#txf
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some sketches
based on @theicarusconstellation's writing
I keep thinking of details I left out and stuff I need to fix but if I let myself do that I'm going to go insane so we're leaving it at this
Also some Sirius because they're a fucking king and we love them (I very strongly hc them as genderqueer and using any pronouns, but specifically he/they/she/it)
The dress was a bit of a failure but hey it looks like fabric at least I think maybe
#fanart#marauders era#fanart of fanfiction#Sirius#A form of jegulus#Not sure if reg being an animagus is widely accepted Canon but I fucking accept it it's mine now and i will die on this hill#I DO however know that Sirius is generally accepted to have tattoos but unfortunately I'm shit at coming up with tat designs#I don't think there's a generally accepted list of what tattoos they have but if there is I would love to hear it#If not ig I'll just make something up#She probably has like. At least one wolf and dog one somewhere#Then definitely canis major#Idk how sappy they are but I want them to be one of those people who gets their friend group to draw hearts or stars and gets those tattooe#Also skeleton designs v much. I want them to have a cat skeleton on their hip in that curling position#Like the floaty cat#Maybe with a moon or star in the center#No real reason I just think he'd look fuckin awesome with it#He also probably has a really cool stylized semicolon on his wrist#I can't give him a koi/sun one cause that's mine and it doesn't fit then anyways#But definitely the top piece is the full moon symbolizing Remus#The bottom idk about but like maybe a squished up dog? Not like disproportionate I'm sure I could figure something out#Honestly they probably also have tats for each of their friends#I'm thinking a stylized deer under a full moon with the rat on it's head#or just prongs and moony w/ little bro between them#Brainstorming idk#If u read all that congrats I don't know why or what you got from it#Welcome to the live stream of my consciousness (you're missing not strong enough fucking BLARING in the background of all my thoughts)
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(wcau) after scrapping with a fox aiming to take his territory and deeming his injuries as non-life threatening, rather than stay in his lonely little den or accept help from plainsclan, he dragged his battered body all the way to wilson's yard, slip through the latticework under the deck, and bunker down. he was found the morning after, sniffed out by amber and only saved by her respect for her twolegs' property. wilson tries to convince house to let them take him to a vet but house talks him down.
there's not really anything to hunt there under the deck -- even if there was, house is too sore to try -- so wilson sneaks him food from his bowl. he'll take a mouthful (shovel bites), trot outside, and drop it between the wood planks for house. it's not very tasty but it's kind of a religious experience so it evens out.
but becomes clear that house comes down with an infection a few days later, his voice not as strong when it drifts up to grumble at wilson and his meal delivery, "not hungry." wilson never stopped worrying so he doesn't hesitate taking this into his own paws, meowing incessantly at his twolegs, pawing at their faces or legs, trotting to the pet door when they try to pet him and scratching the floorboards outside.
amber's barking and growling is one thing -- she's painfully territorial so she barks at anything -- but wilson, for his friendly, curious nature, is exceptionally normal and pleasant, so this behavior gets their attention quickly. they're animal lovers, and by now they're aware of house coming and going and have grown to like him ("he has so much character!") so they don't hesitate to help him when they see him curled up in the cold dirt surrounded by old, grimy kibble and cobwebs. luckily for them, house is too ill and exhausted to put up much of a fight (he still gets burrito'd tho)
the vet stay is short and passes in a blur. house wakes up, feeling better but still weak, inside. as in inside the house. in a closed room. and there's a warm body next to him.
"hey," wilson greets him, wary of an outburst, for house to push him away. they'd never touched before. he's loafed, soft and warm and unmoving, and house decides immediately that he is an excellent pillow. "before you get mad, if i didn't get you help you probably would've died."
he thinks about it for a second. they're in an office where one of the adults of the house sometimes works remotely from; a low traffic room relinquished solely for house to heal in, even moved wilson's cat bed in for him. and apparently they trusted their pretty kitty alone with a feral cat (in reality while house was still unconscious wilson made a huge fuss about keeping house company to the point his twolegs gave in, especially when he darted inside while they were giving house more water to make up for what dehydrated, flopped down right next to him, and refused to move)
then house flops back down, rolling onto his side and his cheek squished into wilson's side, grumbling, "if they cut my balls off while i was out, i'd rather have died."
if he's bickering, he must feel better, so wilson lets himself relax a little. "i wouldn't know. can you feel your balls?"
and house just leers back, his eyes still a little unfocused, "i can't feel much of anything thanks to whatever they gave me. you should check for me." wilson does not take up this offer but his whiskers twitch with contained amusement so house counts it as a win anyway
#house wcau#house md#tbh i could give them different names and just make them wc ocs#but i'm not gonna <3#there's some quirks regarding language between kittypets vs clan cats here so i'm flipflopping >#on some things. like house calling wilson's humans “twolegs” (derogatory) while wilson refers to them as “my people”#house eventually calls them wilson's people too he just defaults referring to humans as twolegs >#since he mostly deals with clan cats who don't know that “people” and “twolegs” are the same#basically kinda playing with the concept of house having to dumb himself down for everyone else#(mostly basing this off how painfully stupid the erins write kittypets sometimes + the memes >#of kittypets knowing the proper names of things like thunderpath or monsters “you mean a fucking car” >#which is the role wilson plays here. do you guys get it i'm thinking sooo hard about these dynamics)
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#it's 1am and i'm depressed and don't want to go to bed#there's such an unbelievable amount of century-defining tragedy and horror in the world rn#and i know that’s always true but jfc we know about so much more of it simultaneously now#like i'm supposed to be chill and functional in the face of war pandemic climate change forever chemicals micro plastics and fascism?#and and and?#i'm supposed to smile and ask follow-up questions when people tell me about vacations to Hawaii#rather than shaking them and saying holy fuck stop doing that please learn about the ramifications and historical context of your actions#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me#when they can/SHOULD use generative AI *for work purposes*#rather than screaming and throwing articles at them about the environmental impact of LLM bullshit#and that's all large scale#that's not getting into the fact that there's a growing family chilliness over refusal to communicate about I/P shit#or the fact that my mom is dying slowly and hates it and is worsening her relationship with my siblings little by little#or the fact that I'm peeling away at my sanity trying to process a divorce and get healthcare for my cat and dental care for myself#or the fact that it takes hours of research to find DISH SOAP THAT DOESN’T KILL THE MICROBIOMES OF THE LOCAL WATER SUPPLY#(10/10 recommend 'blueland' for that if you're reading btw)#like i'm painfully aware of the back-patting level of efficacy that i have for buying different soap and going to the farmer's market#but there's only so much i can do so i have to try to do what i can right? but it's so little and everything is so much#and my mental health is a mess; the fact that my particular neurotype is known to get more volatile with age scares the shit oit of me#like it's this bad at 33 and it gets WORSE?#my job is great for personal privilege but so *so* meaningless and redundant#and how tf do i look at all of this and not feel fucking hopeless?#i can distract myself with my garden but the candide approach was myopic even in the 17th century so it's hard to justify now#I'm so tired#just... fuck man#tag rant#i should delete this but I'll forget if you read this far i hope it wasnt damaging to your mental health#i just had to let off the brain scream pressure somewhere
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Far Cry 5, Far Cry: New Dawn, Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Faith Seed Additional Tags: Kidnapping, Ficlet Collection, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Inspired by Dungeons & Dragons Series: Part 1 of Tales from Another World Summary:
First part to a bundle of fics (varying sizes) to a dungeons and dragons au for Far Cry 5. There isn't truly a main character in this so take that as you will.
It really is short so if you don't want to go to ao3 there's the whole thing under the cut. This whole this is an experiment so let me know what you think, constructive criticism is appreciated.
They say she appears when you are at your most vulnerable, she whisks you to her brothers and you do not return the same. Something changes about you, something is different now.
He's trudging along, worse for wear, escaping imprisonment from the beast of the mountains, he prays to his God that what he had to do will be forgiven. He prays there is hope where he is going.
He heard of a safe haven from the angle, the beast, and the Baptist, no one warned him of the siren that stands in his way now.
In the distance he hears... bells? No- chimes, hooves crunching in the dirt, and a woman humming. Mist surrounds him and floating lights dance in his vision. A feeling of calm engulfs him, he almost doesn't notice the ever-present feeling of unease gripping his soul. It tells him to run, to hide, to get far away from it. He can't, he instead turns to the direction of the humming.
A woman with long blonde hair, and green eyes approaches on a white horse. She wears a white dress that almost floats, she looks ethereal. A gentle smile plays on her face.
Are you lost, little dove?
Her voice coos to him, and he almost cries, he is lost. Of course he is. There is no map, no compass, he can't eve see the stars. He tells her this, and she looks at him concerned. This feeling is the most comfort he's been given all day.
She reaches out a hand to him in response.
I can make sure you never feel lost again. All are welcome in the Bliss. All can be found in it.
He hesitates, even as he feels the joy he feels scared, why is he so scared? What could possibly be wrong? He asks her what the catch is. She giggles, like the very idea of there being a catch is silly. Her laughter is like bells.
So long as you have faith, you may walk the path without fear. Without pain.
Her hand is still outstretched. He is injured, and sore, and so so fucking tired. If all it takes is to walk...
He takes her hand she floats up, and he flies with her. Pain leaving him as he flies.He takes her hand she floats up, and he feels himself flying with her. He closes his eyes as he does, at peace.
He is never seen again.
#far cry 5#faith seed#fc5 faith#my writing#i wasn't lying. It is short#she's fucking stealing people off the side ofthe road.l#lIke they're lost cats or something#except you don't kill cats like that#pray for my man btw he got away from Jacob only to be fucked over by Faith poor thing.#he has no name yall can give him one if you'd like. Just calling him "the guy' in my head#this barely does anything dnd esc tbh and I know that it's just dipping my toes in it. Showing small changes#yes she's still barefoot. Cannon event type shit
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Truly even if Dustin, Lucas and Mike got upset with Steve about sending Max home with her brother. If anything, it should be pointed out that they knew her for what?
A week?
And they brought her into a situation where she could potentially get seriously hurt or DIE. Looking at Mike too honestly cause he witnessed soliders getting killed in the hospital. Scientists and BOB getting murdered by demodogs.
#maybe it's because the kids haven't gotten like#moral consquences#but like#they know how dangerous these creatures are#dustin had BLOOD in his room from his cat being eaten#like seriously#how are they going to explain that to neil and susan#if max had gotten actually hurt#like realistically dustin's mom and lucas' parents don't know whats going on#the wheelers were only told about mike housing a “dangerous person”#so can you imagine like neil and susan#honestly probably susan lets be honest here#telling lucas parents and dustin's mom about the shit they got her daughter into#AND if we are gonna add the racism plot point to it#it gives neil a fucking edge and go “see? see? i told you not to trust people like them”#fuck maybe i should write this#but i got other things to do so like#heres a plot bunny for anyone#also like#even if its season 2#how the fuck is it that still lucas has a weapon#and mike and dustin do not?#make it make sense
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very easy to understand Why people stop taking their lithium. tbh. like when the other end of the spectrum sucks so terribly why would you not want to use the easy killswitch for that and just slam the dial to the other end. even knowing that i DON'T get Happy Manic, i get Agitated Manic, it still seems like a better option than being completely numb and hollow and slowed down, no?
#cat meows#i won't. don't get me wrong here. mania + SSRI is historically a Psych Ward Visit for me. and i don't want that.#and also i think i'd probably try and do something really bad if i had the energy mania gives me. but like.#i can see why. med compliance is difficult for people. because it would be so simple.#i mean sure you gamble with whether it becomes a mixed state which is arguably the most dangerous#but like is that gamble not worth the hope of being pulled out of a hole so deep you can't see the top? fuck man#maybe the SSRI will do it even with the lithium. i know that can happen
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Okay but imagine not having the promo for your big season finale after the last episode, waiting 4 days, and then throwing up 7 seconds of promo mixed with other promo 3 day before the episode airs and using half that time to showcase a character the audience hated so much she had to be erased from the show in every scene they could possibly cut her out of. FOX is like...DONE done trying to get people to want to watch. Good riddance.
#911#911 spoilers#anti lucy donato#sorry i don't fuck with things that are a waste of time or steal screentime from main characters who should be having these conversations#< oh look time to bring that tag back#are we going to have to suffer through her wailing caaaaaaaaap like a cat in heat again? because i fucking cannot#this looked like SUCH a good firefam focused emergency and i just KNOW kr is going to force her into it as the 'hero'#just to steal more time from the main characters again 🙄🙄🙄#thanks i hate it#no wonder they held onto that promo#couldn't give people time to make a ruckus about it and have the studio make the call to cut her scenes again#(because you KNOW kr fought tooth and nail to not do that and got overruled)
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Cats is the only musical ever, actually. Everything else is bland and boring and it fucking sucks!! If you like anything other than Cats you're tasteless and also faking it.
Hope this helps! :)
#cats the musical#cats#you know?? I don't give a fuck if people don't like Cats I know it's not for everyone and that's FINE#but you don't get to tell ME that I'm not genuine#I LOVE CATS#I've spend the most of the past few years making art for it. I read fanfic. I own merch. I traveled overseas to see the show live#'no way people actually enjoy cats ewww' fuck you :)#I'm having a ton of fun with the funky little cats and so could you if you weren't cowards
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Here is the threat you wanted: Actually kys
i could never send anon hate because in my mind it's the most embarrassing thing ever. you're gonna tell me to kys but not put your face on it? come on. tell your followers you're incapable of blocking someone. take your fuckin pants off and tell me to kill myself like a man. i'm waiting
#stoop asks#stoop.txt#i also have fubfree in my bio so i feel like you're really just wasting your time on someone who literally does not give a fuck#my friends know about it. my real family is my real family and i'm disgusted by the idea of irl incest.#my cat still loves me#it doesn't matter what you say#because at the end if the day#you are completely insignificant to me#telling me to kys won't prevent me from getting a job#i'll still eat and sleep normally knowing people on my screen hate me#we're both wasting our time engaging with this#if it bothers you that badly? block me.#i do care about anyone who is affected by this kind of content#wholeheartedly#but taking things out on one person for enjoying it won't help anything lol#if anything you're just subjecting yourself to the content further#and that's not something that i want#if it bothers you so badly#tl;dr curate your own experience i don't want you to get hurt if you're this dependent on the internet for your happiness
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"Did you hear the stupid bigoted thing this known outrage farmer said? What a stupid thing he said! Let's post it everywhere and make the news 24/7 about that thing and make him the center of attention so more people can see the shitty things he said! There is no downside from giving the stupid bigot more of a platform!"
"What do you mean he is the president now. What do you mean he's the president a 2nd time. Nobody could have predicted this."
#bulletbilltime rambling#ok I promise I won't keep making political posts but this is a sore point for me#we as a people seriously need to start being more critical of the ways in which the world around us is pushing us to be outraged#and especially how we're motivated to share the thing that outraged us#bigots are popular on social media because they get people to share them from being mad at them#I'm just as guilty of this don't get me wrong#but also like... so many of these alt-right grifters are banking on people talking about them#the more ppl talk about them the more reach they have#if you spread their bigotry even in the spirit of dunking on it#you are giving their bigotry a platform and it will reach ppl it couldn't reach before#you are literally helping them break into a new audience#'oh but my audience knows I'm a leftist!' it doesn't matter#every time you share someone's reactionary takes it's one more node on the tree of reach that it has#and it's more likely it will reach the people who are more susceptible to their messaging#dunking posts in water on tumblr is like... a start at least in signaling that the take is bullshit#but idk I feel like we can do better#we do need to discuss and disarm the stupid takes but your clapback meme won't do it.#in fact memes and clapbacks as a whole are a godawful way of educating people#we need proper dialogues not fucking debates#unfortunately on a national level this is probably not gonna change bc the news love their controversial topics. it gets views.#so we need to at least start refusing to platform them in our own spaces at the very least#just. stop sharing the bigot. you'll live.#AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T TURN THEIR RACISM INTO A FUCKING MEME#yes this is about the haitian quote. yes if you are non-haitian and made jokes about haitians eating cats or dogs you did racism.#it isn't okay just bc you did it ironically#AND YOU ARE PLATFORMING RACISM ANYWAY SO WHAT THE FUCK#I am going to grab all of you fuckers and shake you around like snowglobes until you get this through your thick skulls#the post is stored in the tags#I hope social media explodes
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Just me venting about printer stuff
I'm out here creating notes on articles and collecting ones I want to use for notes, all on my computer (my book collection is a whole other thing) and so I have long ass word doccuments (I can never spell that word correctly -_-) that I need to organize and tabs open with articles that let you print them and the need to figure out how to turn ones you can't into a doc you can print (easy with wikipedia, so text dense, but when it's something with a lot of pictures that creates it's own problem) and I just have so much stuff I plan to print out and put in my binder-grimoire (as opposed to my notebook ones. The binder is nice because I can stick all sorts of stuff in it and keep re-organizing it afterwards), but I have a problem. I bought a new, relatively cheap, printer because the one I had been using broke and I had limited access to it (It was not my own) and setting it up keeps feeling overwhelming, but I have so much stuff that I'm like
^me going through articles online and trying to keep track of everything I need to print.
#emma posts#i'm rambling#why tf do they want me to use an app to set this up?#If I want to set up a phone app it should be secondary to setting a printer up with my FUCKING LAPTOP#and then I've heard people saying that they've had problems with this printer when trying to connect to something other than the main devic#but this seemed like the most affordable option and I tend to stick to one piece of tech until something gives and I'm forced#to get something new#which you might be surprised by. how long I can hold out I mean.#I've been using a 2015 laptop for eight years and only god can stop me#or it not connecting to any new stuff I need. I've made it work so far though#that's nothing compared to how stubborn I was about my previous phone though#I used that thing until the screen literally fell off. I'm not exagerating. the bottom half of the screen got disconnected from the actual#phone itself. I will probably have to replace this new one sooner though#and I WILL once again look for the closest phone to my old one being sold. You will pry the home button from my cold dead hands#even though I somehow broke my current one and have to use touch assist#I still haven't switched to wireless headphones even though I use a bluetooth speaker#Do I know how to use them? Yes. Do I like them? no.#I am also tired of my phone trying to connect to my neighbor's smart tv when I watch youtube. THAT'S NOT OURS!#It does this even when I don't have bluetooth on. Which is most of the time#I am dealing with period hormones rn though so that is probably making this worse#I am too tired to get really angry though. Just frustrated and sad#I wonder how much of my stubborness about my tech is the autism and how much is the money#the cat facing the wrong direction in this picture is key to the vibes
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Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.
I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.
I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.
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i WILL show up to the trial day for the preparatory class tomorrow no matter how much i dont want to and after that i guarantee NOTHING
#broadcasting my misery#vent#this is a lie i guarantee i will keep tumbling through life appearing functional and melting down in the privacy of my own home afterwards#<- trying to jinx my naturally contrarian ass into taking care of myself for once#god i'm tired#i am. slightly peeved.#around 11am i was like ''i think i'm going to go home'' and my friend was like WHAT nooooooo what are you going to do at home anyway#and we ended up hanging out w another friend until fucking 4pm#and she was like oooooh guys i think i'm gonna go else i wont have energy tomorrow#haha bitch where was this mindset when i told you i was going to go home#i don't know why i keep like. telling people stuff like ''i'm [emotion] i'm going to [thing]''#and they just plan stuff w me anyway#and like. i can't decide for them what's important or not to them. so i make an effort and i participate to the best of my ability.#but it KEEPS HAPPENING#OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN#it does not stop#i can barely keep the violent impulses down tbh i act like im on crack in public#bc if i dont walk around and spasm like an epileptic stray cat im gonna start giving in to the urge to dive under a bus or punch someone#i have nearly uncontrollable fits of hitting my head against walls when my entire life i was too chicken to do it despite trying to#i gained about fifteen to twenty fucking kilograms in the last three months#because i cannot fucking stop binging and EVERYBODY'S LIFE seems to revolve around food#my friends are incapable of hanging out without going to buy smth no matter at which time we get out of school#my other friends seem incapable of not checking calories VERY LOUDLY and calculating how much they lost walking around#my mom and i are home and awake at the same time abt two hours a day and one and a half of that is spent making/eating dinner lmao#im making the effort holy shit i am but i'm going to start being violent soon#i've started trying to strangle my cat twice in the past week i think#i'll show up tomorrow bc it's an opportunity and im not stupid enough to miss that by lack of self esteem#but really what is it good for#my friend isnt very delicate in her way to say it but she's right. i'm not cut out for being normal like that#i can sorta seem functional but you very quickly start seeing i don't know how to dress
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