#you know how much it costs to get a diagnosis?? That shit was EXPENSIVE

[seulira]

I'm seeing hate for people self-diagnosing autism and it's pissing me off.

Pretty much the only resource you're gonna get with autism is a caregiver, and if your autism is at the level where you need a caregiver, you were probably diagnosed at a young age in the first place. People self dsing aren't taking any resources away from you.

Just because you think it's annoying doesn't mean it's a bad thing. what're they gonna do? keep a stim toy company in business a little bit longer??? that's not a bad thing. Shut the fuck up.

[bklynmadman]

I grew up with Men like this.....PART III

Well, I've noticed I picked up some followers. Thanks to all you 3 people. I love you!

That being said, I'm honored to have readers. It's always nice. I just hope you like my stuff. I tend to write stuff that's somewhat depressing, but I'll try to be a bit more lighthearted despite the circumstances. I do want to stress that this current situation is terrible shit, and this was meant more of a diagnosis than a warning, but it wound up being both.

This is also for you people who thought it was a good idea to vote Donald. To you, I say, You don't realize how fucked you are yet.

Anyway, I hope you read on, and prepare yourselves.

ECONOMY

Let it be known that Donald J. Trump, for all of his time spent in the private sector has ZERO KNOWLEDGE of the Economy or how it works. He has ZERO knowledge of how world markets work, nor does he care to know.

He is also a business failure. How he got the image of being "good at business" is beyond me. It probably has to do with the "Wealth Worshipping" we do in this country. (HAS TO STOP)

He is still very much that spoiled child who likes to torture others simply for the attention, and LOVES more than anything else, having power over people to be able to do so. It's not so much about being in charge for Donald, it's the attention that goes with it. He loves being adored, and wants to be recognized for his lack of business acumen as if he is "Mr. Wall Street". Donald, like other white rich dudes, likes the role of gatekeeper. That's why he says when you ask him something directly "I may do it. I may. We'll soon see." He doesn't know much but he does not how much being publicly indecisive hurts other people's lives, as to whether or not he'll enact a policy that directly threatens a group of people's way of life. He LOVES the fact that he's being talked about right now around the world, doesn't matter if it's good or bad, he's in it for the attention folks and to be gatekeeper to our freedoms well, that is one surefire way to get attention.

Back to his failure of business, I would go into all of his business failures, but I don't have enough room. I will mention them briefly. (Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump University, Trump Water, Trump Board Game, The Trump Taj Mahal and Casino, Trump Tower Casino, and Trump Marina and Casino of Atlantic City.)

SIDENOTE: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOSE MONEY OWNING THREE CASINOS???? Not many can except for the Donny Rapist Man!

He was once quoted in his first term as president (Yuck!) when asked how he will manage the National Debt, he said "“People said I want to go and buy debt and default on debt, and I mean, these people are crazy. This is the United States government. First of all, you never have to default because you print the money, I hate to tell you, OK?” That alone should share the shit out of you for he truly believes if you print more money, you'll manage the debt. A basic understanding of economics would prevent him thinking this way, but then again, Donny fucktard doesn't do thinking!

Anyway, He has promised to apply tariffs across the board on all foreign goods coming into the United States. He promised a universal Tariff on all foreign goods, and a 60% tariff on all Chinese goods. He's proposing this for he wants to get the other nations "in line" that he feels abuse the US market. So he thinks the tariffs will do that. Only, once again, a basic understanding of economics would show that the cost of Tariffs are always passed onto the consumer. That means, All Clothes, Items, Goods, Foods, imported here from other countries will be getting a lot more expensive for everyone. (REMEMBER AMERICA MAGAMORONS, you voted for this. I'll be closing on you in a minute.) If there are any doubters that are reading this, check your current shirt. Let me know where it was made. I'll put odds it was made either in China, Malaysia, India, Bangladesh, or even Vietnam. That's just clothes imported into this country. Let me ask you this? You think GAP INC, or HANES, or a majority of Clothing Companies are going to pay that 60% tariff just because Trump said so?

A LITTLE MATH/BUSINESS LESSON (You can skip this if you aren't interested)

On one pallet, (meaning one shipment of t-shirts) you can fit about 2,160 t-shirts total. In one container, you can fit about 20-22 pallets (which depend on the goods and how they're packed but let's just say this for arguments sake.) That means in one 40 foot container, you can have up to 45,360 T-Shirts. (My memory as a former wine importer is getting jogged as I write this. I stopped doing that business officially in 2016 so I'm sure prices have changed and I know prices are different on clothes.)

Before that pallet gets to America, the cost per shirt is about 50 cents. So the total cost of the entire container before the shirts get here would be $22,680. Once it arrives in customs, that's when customs charges begin. Two charges are levied on containers containing "Textiles" which is the category the T-shirts fall under. Those charges are MPF (Merchandise Processing Fee) and Import Duty  The MPF is calculated as a percentage of the shipment's value, with a minimum and maximum amount. For informal entries (under $2,500), the MPF is a flat fee of $2–$9. For formal entries (over $2,500), the MPF ranges from $30.66–$595.35. So, since the cost of goods (Keep this in mind, these are cheap t-shirts found at WalMart) in that one container is $22,680, the total MPF would be the max, at $595.35. For Duty, which only applies when goods imported are valued above $800. (which this would be) that means a 5.63% tariff would apply, adding $1,276.88 to the cost.

Here is a lesson in Business, as these fees are added on to import your goods, those are costs that you tack onto the product when you sell it, because you have to lay it out to get it into the country, so you MUST make it back or your company will lose money. (Something else the Orange Fuckwad doesn't understand.) So, those incurred costs before it leaves customs would tack on a total of 3 cents to each T-Shirt, making the total cost of each shirt before it gets to your warehouse or store 53 cents. The cost of the truck that will pick up your container, depending on where your warehouse or store is located will vary, but let's go on a average, which would be anywhere from $500-$3000. It varies on distance. For this argument, let's go with $1800. That would add a total of 4 cents to each t-shirt. Now, each t-shirt landed cost is 57 cents. Stores charge anywhere from 30-40% to make a profit. They charge that because usually 100-400% mark up covers your rent (if you have any), bills (Electric, Gas, Water), Employees, Taxes (Payroll, Income, Federal, State, and City Taxes) So, the total cost that is known to the owner of the store is $2.28. They usually mark it up to maybe $5-$8.00 per shirt, and will do deals like buy 2, get one free or buy 4 and get one more. The profit on one shirt sold would be $4.43 per shirt. Remember, the landed cost is 57 cents.

The Trump tariff would charge an extra 60% to your container if it came from china. So, take 45,360 t-shirts in a container, which is valued at $22,680. Tacking on the usual costs

22,680 + $595.35 + 1,276.88 + 1,800 = 26,532.23 x (.60) = 15,919.34

(Total Cost before Customs) (MPF) (DUTY) (Shipping) + (Trump Tariff)

Take that number and add it to the total cost (26,532.23) = 42,451.46 total cost per container now.

Divide that cost by the amount of t-shirts in the container = 0.94 cents per shirt landed. A total added .37 cents onto each shirt.

This may seem like small potatoes but when you're selling t-shirts in bulk, you are not about to lose .37 cents per shirt. That would dip into your profits, and if you have backers or board members, that .37 cents will eat into your profit margins should it not be tacked onto the cost of the product. Backers and Board Members of a corporation don't do charity, and they will want to see that cost reflected into the sales.

Now, I know what many will say (if you got this far, bravo) BIG DEAL! It's small cents. In business, small change adds up A LOT! And this is just bargain Walmart T-shirts. Never mind graphic t-shirts, or designer t-shirts, or other clothes. And apply that to all GOODS.

This will be hurting Americans, not helping them. Donny Moron doesn't understand it, nor does he want too.

BACK TO TARIFFS

Economists have predicted that Trump's Tariffs will cost the average American family an extra $1700 per year for goods. To those MAGA morons who screamed and voted for "Lower Grocery Bills" will see those prices jump slightly higher now. Companies have already began to announce higher prices in retaliation to Trumps' Tariffs. Effectively erasing the work that President Biden has done to lower the effect of inflation. But Donny won't stop there. Oh No! What he's about to do tax wise is what got him donations from Billionaires like Elon Asshole Musk and Miriam Alderson (Widow of Casino Magnate Sheldon Alderson)

TAX CUTS (A BIT, NOT A LOT)

I went over this in some of my previous posts, and if you want to learn more about Tax Cuts and how they work, you can look back in my previous posts from 2015 and see what they are.

Trump is going to give Tax Cuts to the Wealthy and Corporations. He's going to say he's giving Tax Cuts to everyone. But the devil will be in the details. The IRS collects about $2.56 Trillion Dollars in Federal Income Tax alone per year. This money funds government services, and investments. Trump is proposing to lower the Corporate Tax from 21% to 15%, and proposes that those households who make over $400,000 will get a tax cut of about $60,000 roughly a 15% tax cut. So, if you make 1M per year, you'll receive a tax cut of $150,000. on $3M it's $450,000. On 1 Billion Dollars, it's 150M tax cut. A tax cut for those who don't know, are taxes you don't have to pay on your earned income. This is before deductions and Tax Loopholes that the super rich and Corporations have been doing for years. Just to recap, the following corporations paid ZERO in Federal Income Taxes.

Amazon

Google

Coca-Cola

Facebook

Nike

Tesla

3M

and many more. In fact, if they report losses, they take advantage of a Tax Deduction in which they don't have to pay on those, lessening their tax burden.

It will be the time of record profits for Billionaires and Big Corporations, and meanwhile the rest of us will see tax cuts like $500-$1000 that we wouldn't have to pay. The super poor will see none of these benefits, and New Yorkers know that $500 doesn't do much in a month or offer much breathing room. Meanwhile, fat cats like Elon Musk, who's net income is 1.4 Billion last year will see a 210M tax cut. The rest of us will have to pay our taxes however.

That's what this is mostly about. It's about Money, and the Rich, Like Don the fuckwad and his cronies, feel that they should have more control over their tax money and where it goes.

This will add onto the national debt, and the government will not be able to sustain itself for each tax cut given, that's less money going into the government. Less for Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and other government services.

So, enjoy your tax cuts middle class, the wealthy will be enjoying theirs. And they'll sell it through their usual promise of "Trickle Down" Economics, which is been proven to not work a BILLION TIMES OVER.

Also, don't tell me that bullshit either of Rich People need those tax cuts to create jobs. They dont. Never have. Trump presided over the WORST PERIOD OF JOB CREATION in this country since the Great Depression in the 1930's. THE WORST. So, don't tell me these tax cuts are going to automatically start working and start creating jobs. They haven't since they've been getting them under Trump's first term. And Where did all that money go? Stock Buybacks. Made themselves richer, while at the same time putting it out there that no one wants to work anymore.

UNIONS

The other thing Donny is going to do, of which I will NEVER FORGIVE THE TEAMSTERS UNION.

He's going to attempt to destroy Unions, and get rid of Overtime Pay.

Unions are the only check against large corporations and big businesses. Unions offer Medical Insurance to it's members, and also collective bargain with employers for wages.

The Orange Rapist has said during a live conversation with Elon Dumbfuck Musk on Twitter (I will not call it what he wants me to call it. Fuck him and his money) has praised Elon for firing Tesla workers who voted to Unionize. He has expressed that workers conspiring to unionize should be fired. He also said in that same convo, that he "hated paying workers overtime." and that "He'd never pay it."

What to expect from this conman during a second term...

Trump changed the rules about who qualifies for overtime pay, making more than 8 million workers ineligible and costing them over $1 billion per year in lost wages during his first term as president.

You Trumptards think that in the past 4 years of dodging court dates and indictments, he suddenly found a heart??? If you think that, you are gravely mistaken.

He will repeat his actions with regards to labor again, only this time, go to more extremes to make it stick.

He has talked about replacing overtime, and giving workers Comp Time, which cheats workers over Overtime laws embedded in our Constitution. 1 BILLION in overtime pay in 2019 to be exact.

Hey TEAMSTERS, no more overtime pay for you. He thinks you're not entitled to it. And apparently, so did many of your members. Enjoy that shit when it's enacted under a GOP controlled House and a GOP controlled Senate. Scabs will be taking your jobs if you refuse, and you know what? Shame on you, because your membership wanted to support Donald.

Trump will also do the following.

Trump will continue to PACK the courts with anti-labor judges who have made the entire public sector “right to work for less” in an attempt to financially weaken unions by increasing the number of freeloaders.

Trump will stack the National Labor Relations Board with anti-union appointees who side with employers in contract disputes and support companies who delay and stall union elections, misclassify workers to take away their freedom to join a union, and silence workers.

Trump will make it easier for employers to fire or penalize workers who speak up for better pay and working conditions or exercise the right to strike.

Trump promised to veto the PRO Act and the Public Service Freedom to Negotiate Act, historic legislation that will reverse decades of legislation meant to crush private sector unions and shift power away from CEOs to workers.

I can't wait when the Teamsters start complaining about "scabs" being allowed to work due to Trump's push of "Right To Work" policy, which effectively emboldens Scabs or picket line crossers to work for companies for less pay than the union would allow them too. Some of these idiots think that wont happen. To that I say....Just wait.

The next time I hear of Teamsters Picketing, they can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned for failing to come out to support Kamala Harris, a president that would've protected their Union and advanced Pro-Union Policies. I hope the Teamster Union breaks, and I say that as a UFT member knowing full well that Trump and his merry band of assholes will try to dismantle my Union too. (They already are trying too with Charter Schools. If Governor Hochul had any balls, she'd pull funding from Charter Schools to embolden UFT and pro-union policies. But this is about the Spoiled Boy-King, not NY governor Hochul.)

ABORTION/ IMMIGRATION

On this, Trump will demonstrate his extreme cruelty for he gives neither a fuck for Immigrants (Even though his family was once an immigrant from Germany) nor women (see the 32 Civil Court Cases when 32 different women across this country accuse Donny of Rape and Sexual Assault.) He won this election on getting others to hate Immigrants.

It's a big pet peeve of mine whenever a fellow American Italian hates on the "Hispanics and Mexicans coming over the border." To which I remind them how their family came here, and the adversity that they faced. This convo usually ends with "Well, my family pulled through" but what they don't seem to understand is We're supposed to make things better, not worse for the next guy. It's also what some of my fellow pisans consider retribution. "Well, I came here legally. They can too." Well, they can't. Imagine how desperate they must be to come over illegally. It's not to skirt laws or get away with something.

The thing about Immigrants that many don't understand is the following.

Illegal Immigrants make up for a good portion of our workforce. About 8.3M Illegal Immigrants are currently in the United States Workforce. They are hired by their bosses, who know full well they aren't here legally, and take advantage of that by paying them much lower than they would have to pay an American worker.

Check out the Kitchens of the Restaurants that you frequent. Who is making your food back there?

Also, who is building your houses? Take a good look at the majority of those building private housing. Let me know what you find.

Another thing about Ilegal Immigrants is that they don't mostly Bring Crime, Drugs, and are Rapists. (I always found it funny that a Rapist calling a group of other people Rapists especially when he's a known rapist and pedophile. When Jeffrey Epstein is your best friend...) Ilegal Immigrants make our economy go round!

The Food Industry, the Construction Industry are very very dependent on Illegal Immigrant labor.

Illegal Immigrants are less likely to commit a crime for fear of being deported. So they're mostly law abiding citizens.

Illegal Immigrants pay MORE taxes that Amazon, and Coca-Cola combined. (Yes, they file and pay while freeloaders like Elon and Donny pay nothing.)

Illegal Immigrants make up about 12% of sales for Telecommunication companies (i.e. Cellphone purchases.)

They rent apartments, spend for food, open bank accounts, and California was trying to pass a law that would've made it easier for them to obtain a mortgage regardless of Immigration status.

When he does send ICE and Immigration agents to do a mass deportation, he will be adversely affecting these industries. That is on the way, and I've read one economist suggest that the "mass deportation" that he has promised his fans and fellow racists will total 315 Billion Dollars. Will Donny want to pay that? Sure, why not? The money isn't his, and he'll be dead soon enough so why should he have to worry? Thats a problem for us to figure out later when he's gone.

That's another thing Richers do that Donald likes to do. He loves to spend money when it's not his to spend. Donald is a notorious cheap skate, and has stiffed many people who have done work for him in his hotels and casinos. However, that will go away now that Donald has the United States Purse strings. The next time I hear a Republican preach about Fiscal Conservatism, it will be very hard for me not to deck them in the mouth.

Again, Donny loves being Gatekeeper. He adores it. It doesn't matter if it's cruel, or if he is doing the wrong thing. He is directly responsible for separating 6000 kids from their parents at the border. 6000. And he put them in cages and didn't even bother giving them blankets. He gave them what amounted to aluminum foil for a bedsheet. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE???? Every single parent should've been outraged with that regardless of political spectrum.

Also any real Christian should've had an issue with that, and those who don't are not real Christians nor do they deserve to be called one. They deserve to be called what they truly are, CRUEL HYPOCRITES WHO WORSHIP SATAN'S COCK.

I had a convo I had with a Trump sympathizer about this once, and the other person had the balls to say "Well, they shouldn't have been there." Talk about the most Victim Blaming Bullshit I've ever heard. As if they brought about that cruel treatment upon themselves when they got caught on the border.

WARS IN GAZA AND UKRAINE

Trump gives a fuck about one thing and one thing only. He's cited it many times in his first presidency, and it's his biggest motivator.

His image.

Trump is such a textbook classic narcissist that his main drive is simply to protect and project his image. He wants to be that "Suave, Smart, Debonair, Wealthy, Strongman who is beloved by all, and everyone fawns over him and his every word while his enemies retreat in cowardice." Trump's self image, like much of anything he says, is not rooted in reality.

He's a wimp, and like all bullies, once someone stands up to them, they run and hide and tell the teacher on you. Trump would run and hide from anyone formidable and run and tell fox news how "unfairly mistreated" he was.

Keep in mind, Donald is still a Russian Asset. The reason he jocks guys like Putin is because he wants it like that. He wants to make American into the Dictator Image. Absolute Power. Absolute Fascism. We know Donald can't read, but he has probably watched a Hitler Speech or two, and realized how Hitler came to power. His path to power is very similar to Hitlers, in fact almost mirror image.

He couldn't care less about what happens in Israel. He couldn't care less about what happens in the Ukraine. He will do what he is told, which the super wealthy are tired of giving aid and money to these two countries.

Also, Putin will tell his bitch to bend over and let him have Ukraine. Trump will do so. He will claim "He made a great deal" but the deal made will be something along the lines of the following.

1.) No Admission to NATO for Ukraine.

2.) Russia will get to keep most, if not all of their occupied territory.

3.) Ukraine will have to enter a trade agreement with Russia over the oil pipeline and they'll maybe do some share. 10 years Russia will have it and then turn it over to Ukrainian control.

Ukraine will do all of this under Trump duress, or Trump will withhold any and all aid to Ukraine, of which that will stop immediately once Trump takes office. So the good news is, The war will end. The bad news is, the war will benefit Russia grately, and Russia will have an open way to take Europe if it feels like it.

Trump will say "Look how great I did. And Look, I ended the war." But in the real world, Trump will only have given Putin what he asked for, which is the part of Ukraine with the resources as a part of Russia. Also, there will be no NATO presence in Ukraine forever, or at least while Trump is president.

As for GAZA...

Many Gen Z people were upset, and rightfully so, over the mass genocide in GAZA by the Israeli government. If they were upset of Former President Biden's lack of action, then they're really going to hate how Trump handles this situation.

I'm sorry to say, but the Palestinian people's numbers will be greatly REDUCED once Trump is in power, and he will not only continue to do nothing diplomatically. He will also side openly with Netanyahu, and praise his actions. He'll even get a bigger contrat, and sell more bombs, guns, and ammunition there. He'll say "What a great deal for America" but what he means is "What a great deal for Smith& Wesson" "Raytheon", and L3Harris Technologies." because last I checked, the American people in general don't own stock in any of those companies, only a select few do. (Trump is one of them by the way. He owns some stock in Raytheon. Conflict of Interest much? Sure, but we wont be able to talk about that for much longer.)

CONCLUSION

So, this is where this series ends. There will not be a 4th installment. I've pretty much said all I needed/wanted to say. I know many are upset over this tyrant returning to the White House.

There has got to be some hope at the end of this fucked man and his deranged policies. It's almost comical how he's in a "Race for the Worst". To predict what can happen, just picture a worst case scenario for each situation, and that is the baseline that Trump is so thirsty to beat. He will also fuck the environment as well, and turn the planet back on Global Warming, why? In the name of money.

So, fellow trumpers, I hope you enjoy the world while it lasts. I hope there isn't another deadly pandemic waiting in the wings, because Donald will handle that one just as well as he handled the 1st one. The one where he got over 1.8M American's killed, and suggested as a cure to inject bleach into your veins. He was also the guy to Poo Poo Masks, and put doubt into the vaccine, despite himself getting it.

But whatever, RFK will be in charge of our health from now on. You know, because he's qualified and believes in Science. But that's talking way too much.

Brace yourselves everyone. Enjoy this last holiday season of peace. We are in for a reckoning.

(So much for a weekly post. I just blogged 3 times in 4 days. But man, does it feel good to write again.)

[eira-kuso]

I've seen people say "if you are so sure about your self diagnosis, just go diagnose"

And no!? Have you seen how much does it cost?

Adhd cost at my country at least 1500 reais (Brazilian coin) to diagnose!

The minimum wage is 1.302 reais.

You would need two minimum wages to get the price right and then there are the race and gender and age bias.

Nobody unless you're a white 4 year old boy can be diagnosed with autism, and anyone else that thinks they are autistic is just a little quirky or strange.

I hate this culture of "If cant get a real diagnosis, ypu are just lying and faking for clout".

And no! It just that mental health care is so expensive and the diagnosis might actually be misdiagnosed because the therapist is biased because "you dont look autistic" or "you have good grades on school" or "stop that you're a man!" And whatever the shit.

The bottomline is that diagnosis is a privilege, when it should be a right.

It should be a right to be diagnosed with something or nothing. Know what is with you to properly understand your mind and body.

The first guy who was diagnosed with autism is still alive. The first autism diagnosis came after two decades of the concept being. The concept of mental health being necessary for a good life is pretty new. And its still seen in

We need to stop thinking that people that self diagnoses are just faking for attention because yeah they want attention, but the attention for their untreated mental health problems. They want to know if there is something different with them and thats great! Unless they do not have the money to diagnose, then they are lying /j

Idk what else to say but, dont think that just because you diagnosed, it means that everybody can and that they would have as much compassion put in their diagnosis than in yours.

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

so I keep learning about The Horrors™️ of American healthcare and I keep hearing Americans talk abt this shit like it’s totally fine and let me tell y’all. It’s not. Apparently and ADHD or Autism test costs like 500$ for you guys? And then when you do get diagnosed you gotta think abt shit like “okay but do I actually need meds?” Bc apparently that’s a financial decision? But it,,, it shouldn’t be right? Right okay bc

I live in Europe, specifically Austria, and this is how healthcare works here: if you have a job you have healthcare. Your employer pays for it. They have to. It’s absolutely illegal and unheard of not to. They do take about 20% out of your pay-check every month to pay for that and other legal things that I don’t quite understand (my dad explained it to me once but I’m 20 so I still don’t get it bc I don’t really have to but every cent they take out benefits me I think so it’s fine).

Now irl this is a lot more complicated but basically, you have public healthcare and private healthcare and then just stuff that’s up to the government (like ambulance rides, I think. Even if you don’t have insurance u don’t pay for that. I know this bc an American friend of mine didn’t and had to go to the hospital and called a cab and when they told me I was like “??? BRO WHY NO AMBULANCE” this is also how I found out that Americans have to pay for ambulance rides. wtf.)

Basically your insurance covers all medical expenses from doctors who are in your network (public practice). This is your GP, hospitals, and pretty much all specialised docs (dentist, internists, cardiologists, etc.). However, the public offices are much busier than the private ones (obvi) so if you’re in a rush, want special treatment, or just be a little fancy you can CHOOSE to pay for private doctors. And even then you can hand in those bills to your insurance and you get part of the money back (abt 30% which you receive abt 4 months after handing the bill in).

If you keep your bills for private care doctors you can hand them in to,,, someone somewhere somehow (idk man) and get a bigger tax return. (bc we don’t calculate our taxes ourselves. it just gets taken out of your pay-check by your employer every month and then at the end of the,,, fiscal year??? I guess?? Idk man idk how shit works — you get any money that was like,,, extra (????) back)

Now you might ask yourself: “phi, why would I pay for doc if I can go to free doc?” Which is an excellent question. Again, for most people it’s about waiting times but there is one field where it just really makes more sense: mental health services. Private practitioners have less clients and more high quality care than public ones because they choose their own funding, which, surprise surprise, is better than public funding.

I will now take you through my own personal journey so you can have a practical example of how good healthcare CAN AND SHOULD BE (keep in mind here I have parents who after messing me up and being terrible but learning their lessen once I became an adult and told them how horrible they were are very supportive of me pursing my mental health)

When I was about to turn 20 I went to my GP and had a conversation with her about how I think I might have ADHD. She asked me about my complaints and agreed there definitely are symptoms indicating it. She wrote me a referral to a Psychiatrist. When I got to my Psychiatrist she tested me and because of the referral she could tell the insurance company that this test was necessary and not elective, meaning insurance payed for it in full and I never even saw that bill.

Now I had a diagnosis all but a week later. I spoke to my parents who agreed to support me in finding private care. My Psychiatrist charges 160€ (insurance returns 48€) per appointment which my mum graciously pays for. I see him once every couple of months to check in on my use of medication and how I’m responding and to see if my dosis needs adjustment. If and when I need a refill, I only have to write him an email. Before he could put me on medication I needed a blood draw and cardiac test, to ensure that I qualified for a stimulant, since they can be harmful in some cases. He wrote me referrals and I went to my GP and a public cardiologist for those tests, which were all free of ANY charge.

I was then cleared to take my meds within a few weeks (cardiologist had a bit of a waiting list). I was prescribed Ritalin and some sleeping pills by my psychiatrist. He gives me the prescriptions and a letter to the insurance company asking them to cover the cost, as I have a diagnosis which he confirmed again in his initial assessment of me. Now that I’ve gotten approved, all I pay for is the prescription, not the actual medication. Which is about 6-7€ for the Ritalin and 4-5€ for the sleeping pills (monthly supply each).

My Therapist is also a private doctor. She charges 120€ per session and I go twice a month, which is 240€ per month. My dad contributes 100€ and my mum contributes 30€, which means I’m down to 110€ per month. Insurance pays 30€ per session (so 60€ per month) so I pay a grand total of 50€ or 25€ per session.

So my medical treatment each month costs me just about 62€ AT MOST (since I don’t always need my sleeping pills refilled).

Now, just for fun, let’s assume my parents don’t support me and I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist in the same month and need both my meds refilled. This would come to just about 304€ (because of insurance deductions).

But you have to consider that I DON’T see my psychiatrist every month, so the more realistic monthly cost would be 187€. And should I decide I can’t pay for that I can still get on a waiting list for public mental health practitioners, in which case the only thing I’d ever need to pay for are the prescription costs for my medication which would still be up to 7€ for the Ritalin and up to 5€ for the sleeping pills putting the grand total at 12€ PER MONTH.

My family and I simply chose the quicker, more efficient option, but no one twisted our arm into paying this amount of money FOR BASIC CARE.

And yes, it’s a lot of bureaucracy (it took me WAY too long to spell that) and paperwork, but I’d much rather that than have to decide between mental well-being or being broke.

So, my conclusion: Cancel America, move to Europe, OR just tell the American People In Charge Men that it is that easy and they really should try a little harder and you citizens shouldn’t settle for the shit you have to put up with right now because wtf

if you wanna cry a little it’s okay lemme know I’ll come sit with you and offer a hug but you can say no if that’s not your thing

anyways love ya

phi

[ebdanon]

ask pt 2 slight trigger warning for deaths (yes multiple): my husband was being treated like a little kid, in some instances my fil went into the doc appointment and started talking to the doc himself like parents do to small kids. it was insane. so we schedule an appointment with an infectious disease specialist at the most expensive hospital in the country, with a doctor my aunt knows and trusts, because she said she didnt want to drop us with unreliable care, and this way, we could get a recommendation to the right hospital wing. we saw that doctor, who parroted what my aunt and that one other doc said about seeing a specialist in the gastrointestinal wing, and made the recommendation. it was a few weeks away. now, what you need to know is this is private healthcare, which is super expensive, and all the best doctors that are left in the country work there (less stress higher pay after the pandemic shitstorm), unless they made like my aunt and moved abroad for an even better quality of life. she said if we continue being stuck in this situation, we should get on a plane and go to her, she would make sure he gets the right docs and exams in 48 hours as is the law there (she lives in a country 2h away by plane).

i dont want to go into all the symptoms because those were a whole different kind of scary to see him experience and not know why. and finally, we got an appointment with the right doc, who sees my husband and immediately orders the exams my aunt has been saying he should get for the last two months. they're scheduled a couple of weeks after that appointment (because prep time is mandatory) and are definitely pricey but it's not a big deal because having a freelance salary (me) in a low cost of living country means we can afford it. we also have plenty saved up. he had to do the exam under anesthesia bc they had to take a sample from his gut for further testing just in case, and when he woke up, he started speaking in english instead of our native language. it was the funniest thing that had happened in months, and like andrea after taylor's lasik, i filmed a part of it lmao he kept asking the nurse for some of the meds to take home because those 30min he was out were the best sleep he had in months (the symptoms kept him up) and she was like that's impossible you cant have this outside the hospital, it's what got michael jackson kileld, and my husband went "mj was a smart guy to ask for strong stuff like this" lmaoooo (its true btw its on mj's wiki) and then when his head cleared the doc came in, explained his diagnosis, prescribed meds to ease everything. he has to take them continuously until he starts doing at least a bit better, and he can get checkups with that doc any time. at that point, my client had missed one invoice but i didn't give it much thought with all the other chaos, and it sometimes slipped his mind but he always made sure there wasnt anything too overdue. and then he missed another invoice. and the meds were expensive. my husband also started a limited diet, another expense on top, to check what food triggers symptoms.

we went to our hometown for the easter holidays, armed with the new diagnosis and meds, and diet. stayed with the in laws where my mil did all the cooking. the shit talking continued, now, including my parents - all they care about is themselves, they never called my mil to ask how her son is doing (like i said, treated like a kid, they called me every day to ask for updates as they were worried), all they do is waste money on traveling. now some backstory on that last bit- when they were young, my parents wanted to leave this country, but they never got an opportunity to do so, and instead of mourning that, they figured the next best way to get away is travel. they take trips at least one weekend and each month. even if it's just out of town. both their kids are grown up with their own incomes, they have the ability to spend on that instead of their kids, even though we took at least one vacation abroad per year when i was young. they just love to travel and can finally do it more than ever. idk how my mil feels about traveling, she doesnt generally broach the subject unless its to talk shit about my parents or my fil's brother and his wife who also travel frequently. thats the woman my mil accuses of being a witch lmao. my mil took care of her aging and ill parents for the last decade or so so she hasn't even gone out of town for more than a few hours in that time. and take care in the sense of administer meds to her mom because "she's the medical expert" as we've covered. her dad had a complex issue that she looked after but that was two decades ago when it started, it stabilized in the last decade before he passed. and that meant taking him to appointments, giving food and meds according to schedule. i never met him because he was in hospice when my husband and i started dating. anyway, my mil kept going off about how she was the only one who cared and that's because my husband made her suffer through labor for hours. weird logic there but okay. she went on about how the doctors were all wrong and how she knows best and she's gonna make sure he gets better during the holidays while we're there. instead of boiling his food, she started baking it, but it didnt seem to be doing too much good. when we went back home, i asked her about the baked recipes and she told me all the ingredients. but she added a couple of things that were strictly forbidden according to the doc. and i told her. and she said "well ive been adding them the whole time and he seems to be handling them well". i hung up and immediately told my husband, and all the symptoms still being present suddenly made sense. she was practically poisoning him because shes the expert that knows best. i was pissed, but he told me he'd take care of it and i should let it go.

a few weeks later my fil's mother passed away. she had been suffering with health issues for the last couple of months, begging both her sons to take her to get them checked out, which they both ignored. she and her husband lived with the other son and his family. the sons took her to doctors when she couldn't stand on her feet anymore which was too late. thats when i got to hear my mil scream about how shitty that family treated her the entire time she's known them, when i learned her sister in law is a witch, their horrible treatment of everyone (my husbands family lived in that house too, its common here for brothers to live with their parents and bring their wives in the house, people stopped doing that only in the last few years, but my husband's family had to move out after family drama) and more. idk this woman was basically cursing out her husband for the family he came from and blaming him for it. we went back in town for the funeral so i got to hear all this in person.

a couple of weeks later, my sister in law with her family were coming in town (they live abroad, a town over from my aunt actually) for a week so we went to our home town to see them. on the drive there, we came across a traffic accident between a bike and a van, that ended tragically. ill spare you the details of what i saw. a few hours later i got a call from my best friend. turns out the person that passed away in it was her long term boyfriend, he was coming in town for a conference. they were making wedding plans. picking out home decor. what do you mean?! thats when i wrote 2023 off as the worst year and it wasnt even halfway done. forgot to mention, my other best friend was going through a divorce at the time. she lives halfway across the world but we make sure to give each other the big life events even if we dont talk regularly. it felt like everyone i cared about was suddenly suffering and the only thing i could do was offer support. i couldn't even be properly there for anyone else but my husband. summer came, my husband and i were barely functioning, between his symptoms, his family, and a terrible tragedy (my husband and my bff's boyfriend had been childhood friends). the summer turned worse as my client kept missing payments and ghosting me. family members kept asking to borrow money to make ends meet because they know we're fine and we can't really say no. with the bank account running on fumes, we spent august in our hometown to save up on daily expenses by staying with my in laws. my sister in law and her family were in town again and for a couple of weeks there before my niece started kindergarten, and things were a bit peaceful. except it was all a front, because my mil cant shit talk in front of her son in law.

we went back home at the end of the month, to an apartment infested with cockroaches. appliances started breaking down. i mentioned this bit of the story in another ask i think? it was 8 months of constant hell and without the option to look for another apartment because of missed payments and the plan to move abroad as soon as possible (we were already looking for jobs), we figured we could move with my in laws. that way, we could get everything we own in their huge house which definitely has space, and once we move abroad they can ship all the stuff to us. my parents cant do that because they live in an apartment, not a lot of room there. this is a three story house, with a yard and a big brick shed on top, housing two people. over 3000 sqft of space. my husband asked if it was possible, they said of course, this is your home, you're always welcome to live here.

im gonna break up this story in yet another ask

once again i am deeply terrified of where this is going

also im so sorry for your loss thats terrible :(

[galacticwildfire]

Looking at your grades and realising the time to write your original novel and pray you find success is only running out by the day and becoming more necessary because fuck academia man

Slight rant below

A man who would hopefully be jailed in 2024 has a dream or produced drug fuelled thesis based on no evidence but his own perversions and it’s seen as fact, it holds the status of bible within its discipline, but I have an idea that slightly deviates and I’m a heathen

I mean fuck it, at this point I’d be better off devoting my time to writing five novels and praying one’s picked up rather than spending five years suffering through further study that I can’t afford and probably won’t get into at this point considering I had to drop a few units due to chronic illness and couldn’t get the penalty removed.

How the fuck am I meant to get documentation for bpd and pill induced permanent disassociation when they refuse to actually give me a paper diagnosis (because my doctors hate putting labels on things as much as my last situationship) but will still happily throw sedatives at me for it while telling me I have bpd but still refuse to give me documentation or a paper diagnosis.

Although considering I had a full ultrasound searching for pcos where they saw that my ovaries were covered in cysts, very clear pcos, and they didn’t even feel it was worth mentioning on the report I shouldn’t be shocked. How the actual fuck does a person who looks at ultrasounds for a living see the 14 follicles the technician pointed out on one ovary and write on the report that everything is normal. Cut to almost a year later and hormone testing told me yep, definitely pcos.

Thank god I have a new doctor now and am off those pills (Seroquel saved my life but also gave me a literal chemical lobotomy. I legit can’t remember shit and spend probably 80% of the day in a state of dererealisation and have worse comprehension skills than I did at 13). Not to mention the twenty kg weight fluctuations from going on and off it from 16-21.

As much as I dreamed of being a historian it looks like a masters ain’t gonna be happening with my gpa. I mean finding success in academia is just about as rare as finding success as a writer, at least this way I can save myself from going into even more debt because fuck Australia has some of the most expensive university fees in the world. And they decided to double the fees for humanities because “oh no, we need more people in agriculture and teaching” despite probably half of high school teachers doing a humanities degree and then a diploma of education.

With a bachelors I can still write history for public consumption I guess, non academic articles and all that along with books you’d find in public libraries, and considering academics absolutely fucking hate people in the public history sector I’m fine with that.

God it’s hard having always dreamed of going overseas and doing a masters degree and going into academia and then realising that the cost for living past the age of sixteen would be your intellectual capacity. I know I have brilliant ideas, and I can get them across in writing fiction, but academia would probably be the death of me.

At this point I’m seeing if I have the gpa to complete an honours, I have probably 8 months left on my bachelors without it. Considering I’ve written probably close to 300k words in the last year I’m aiming to get my own original manuscript done this year since they prefer beginner novelists to have between 80-100k for their first book. I’ve got a couple ideas but it’s time to decide on one and get it done. I’m debating between a sapphic tragedy and my own mythological story that would be part of an asoiaf like universe. I’m thinking the smaller project first since it would be a stand alone and to go from there. Turns out I also have 14k words worth of poetry when I compile them all into a doc so I’ll see what I can manage with that.

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[andromedaspark]

Yes I'm posting about my autism. Fuck you.

I can't get diagnosed in my state (South Carolina)

Period. I just can't. There are no clinical psychologists who do autism testing for anyone who isn't like 5 or under.

Not even expensive ones. There's just None.

If I were to get diagnosed it would have to be in North Carolina or Georgia.

Since I'm not a toddler it's going to 10 times more difficult for me to get a diagnosis.

Since I'm AFAB it's going to be 50 times harder to get a diagnosis.

Since I also have ADHD it's going to be 100 times harder to get a diagnosis.

I want a service dog for my autism because

They can help with crowd control (they circle around you to push others back)

They can help with my skin picking disorder

They can help alert others or my guardian if I start to have a panic attack or meltdown.

They can help with mobility

They can preform active coping mechanisms

They can help encourage me to leave the house more

See, a service dog would be ideal. But my family can't afford a diagnosis for autism much less a service dog for said autism.

Service Animals with training are work.

The average autism service dog costs between $30,000 and $50,000 to be fully trained before joining their forever family. (Source)

I have autism, depression, panic attacks, C-PTSD, social anxiety, and am HOH. That's just with this one list.

I only got diagnosed with (at the time) Severe Chronic Depression, GAD, and (technically, at the time) ADD very recently, in around 2018-19. I was almost hospitalized. I was severely chronically su*c*dal and was actively engaging in SH (in my own 'unique' way).

My mom figured I had autism when I was like 4. She never told me.

That lead to social isolation, social anxiety, a good part of my depression and Daily Burnout + Meltdowns.

Luckily I'm past most of that now (after years of therapy, after 5 therapists and a psychologist, years of adjusting medication, DBT, CBT, PCT, Gestalt Therapy, bits of ERP, and even Somatic therapy)

Anyway back to the Diagnosis

Autism testing can cost between $3000 and $5000. (Source)

So why does a Slip of Paper from a psychologist in another state have to cost more than 5 new phones?

Fuck if I know. I'm not enough of an idiot to figure that one out.

But it pisses me off

Because it would cost about 4k for a diagnosis, then 40k for a service dog. And my family barely had 300 dollars spare to just throw at shit.

$44,000 for a dog and a piece of paper telling me what I already know.

And I just want accessibility. But they put prices on it that make me feel like my suffering is worth it because at least I'm not drowning in debt.

And I already have 4 dogs, but pets and service dogs are Very different.

I can't have anything good. And it sucks.

So next time anyone says they don't believe I'm autistic I want 4k cash in my hand by the end of the week or I'm going to go apeshit.

For legal reasons that is a joke

In all honesty I don't expect anyone to read this. This is purely just a jumbled up rant of all my tired autistic brain screaming.

I'm on the highest dosages of my Depression+Anxiety medication and my ADHD medication. If I want to go up I have to get a different medication.

And that scares me.

Even more so now that we have a new doctor that thinks my ADHD medication is a joke and doesn't think I should be on it at all even though I've been on it for a year now and it's done amazing work. It's just not where I want to be.

Anyway if she takes my meds from I'm just gonna bite the bullet and start taking weed.

I mean what's she gonna do? Arrest me? Maybe. Weeds illegal here. But fuck yall you made my medication inaccessible so I'm doing it my damn self.

My neighbors are smokers and they aren't shy about it, and my moms friend is like A Weed Veteran with how long she's been taking it and making stuff with it.

She started making cookie edibles and I swear to god. They have the weed ground down into powder and used with the flour in a half substitute ratio. They look so fucking good. I want the Calm Down Cookies. They're sugar cookies too which are like my fucking favorite thing on the planet.

And my mom wants me to start with the gummies but I Fucking Hate Gummy shit. I'd rather rot in hell than get gummy stuck in my teeth. But it's a small price to pay to work up to weed cookie.

And I genuinely thought about the Ecig THC because those are things and they taste good (supposedly) and it's 'not as bad' as unfiltered blunts. And the aesthetic of smoking is neat to me. But I decided against it because it would be more of a hassle than it's worth. It's risking my already shitty lungs and my sensory issues along with overall health and future complications. Edibles you get a snack And a good time And your lungs get to live another day.

Anyway I've done way too much research on weed and let me just say. They make up the wildest names. I can see a strain called "Fuck bitches get money" and it's good for like making you hungry and tired. There's like "cactus fetus" and it calms you down and is good for sleep. Like Bitch.

Anyway do you think in California they can UberEats you weed now?

[froody]

Just a warning that this post is going to be really crass and deal with bodily functions and mentions of unsanitary conditions.

Having ulcerative colitis has pretty much ruined any quality of life I had before. Life was already so hard battling the unfortunate combination of autism and chronic fatigue syndrome (such an obnoxious diagnosis even saying the name makes me angry). Now I bleed from my gastrointestinal tract so badly I get anemic. I’m in pain. Tummy hurts all the time. Always trying different OTC medications. There is always the looming threat of me shitting my pants, I’m sure bowel incontinence is embarrassing and demoralizing enough for elderly people but imagine being a 21 year old always worried about shitting your pants. And I have to look forward to one colonoscopy a year for the rest of my life, which is a totally miserable experience and the badness of it cannot be overstated, and this will happen once a year forever, perhaps more often during flare ups. And stool samples checking for parasites and pathogens and inflammation markers, do you know how disgusting and embarrassing it is to spoon your own waste into like 10 different bottles? And I have an increased risk of colon cancer to look forward to, for the rest of my life that will be looming over me. Every time the pain is a little different, the blood is a little more, I will wonder if it’s FUCKING CANCER. The medications to treat UC are all so expensive, currently I’m on suppositories that were initially $388 a month with insurance (I had to lobby with the insurance company to pay $77 for) and an oral steroid that is $40 a month (with insurance) and a special iron supplement that is $10 (with insurance) so that’s $127 in medication for my ulcerative colitis alone. Not to mention my other meds or the costs of specialists and doctors visits. And I can’t work. I had a job as a secretary for a while but when you miss calls because you have to take 15 minute bathroom breaks and you can’t tell when you’re going to have to go and you miss days upon days going to different doctors, it’s not sustainable.

And I try to talk to my family about it. I tell them sometimes I think my quality of life would be better if I got a colostomy and they go “Ew. That’s gross.” which is unspeakably ableist and just makes me feel worse. Colostomies are not gross. What is gross is the smell of my colon rotting. What is gross is shitting blood. What is gross is being partially  incontinent at the age of 21, what is gross is the taste of the colonoscopy prep, what is gross is the way this disease chips away at my dignity. They tell me my grandpa had UC in his mid-30s and it went away by the time he was 40. Not me. I’m precocious, I was diagnosed at 18 which is so young to have this. I’m in the worst flare up I’ve had yet. I’m afraid to leave the house for fear of shitting myself. The anemia leaves me tired and bruised. I’m 21 and I can’t find the strength to go to the grocery store most of the time. I see a doctor almost every week and I haven’t seen my best friend in 7 months.

Things could be worse. Things could always be worse. But right now I’m having a hard time imagining them getting better.

[okay-victoria]

Random Personal Rant

For anyone somehow here not from the original thread, this started off me getting asked what finishing school is and me getting shit off my chest that is only mildly relevant about how I could both be of the social class that gets sent to finishing school and grows up on welfare.

With an understanding that in many parts of the world it wouldn't qualify as so, as far as the US goes, my dad is from what counts as a very old money family from Baltimore & Philadelphia. Both his siblings went to college and one now owns a major hedge fund, and his sister is married to a C-level executive at a huge conglomerate. His parents went to college. His grandparents went to college. All eight of his great grandparents went to college. My dad...did not go to college. He was not about that life, and while I don't mean it as an insult, when I say his primary occupation until I was ~5 was a drummer in a mediocre band I mean that he opened for a lot of great acts, and if you lived in the Boston to Atlanta area in the 80s you may have heard him play, but he was never a huge national name. But he wasn't an amateur band playing for free at some random local gig either.

My mom grew up on a chicken farm in a Mennonite family in Pennsylvania but also completely rejected her heritage and became a model, sort of like my father, of mediocre status. Not Giselle Bundchen, but had national contracts and if you have a Graco ad/box from 1990-1993 you might see both me and her on it. They met because my mom's friends placed bets, one each, on who could sleep with a member of their favorite local band first and my mom picked my dad and...my mom was actually supposed to go be a model in Tokyo and found out she was pregnant with me and couldn't go 😂

So, after my parents had two kids back to back with a third on the way and determined they needed lifestyles more in line with having three children, they became much poorer than they originally were because my mom stopped working and my dad, with a barely-passed-high-school education but needing a true "day job" worked day labor in construction. My dad's father was too proud to give us money/help if my dad didn't beg for it; despite having eventually four young children my dad never did so we ended up on all the state assistance programs one could imagine. My grandma jokes that dinners at my parents house were BYOC - bring your own chair, because we didn't own any.

My mother and paternal grandmother had no such pride issues and I live in eternal gratitude that my welfare childhood was not as crappy as it should have been because my grandmother would have my mom accompany her on grocery runs and buy us food without my father or grandfather knowing, and every Christmas and birthday my grandparents/godparents could give us the one big ticket gift all the kids wanted that year. But, on the other side, I once got stung by a bee inside my mouth because my brother threw a hairbrush through a cracked window at me and broke it and we couldn't afford to fix it for about two years and a hornet got in one day and rested himself in my coke can (my parents were the very American type that fed me coca-cola in baby bottles at age 8 when I was jealous of my younger siblings lol).

It is hard not to believe in "toxic masculinity" when two men warring over dumbass pride issues would rather their children/grandchildren go without food than suck it up and decide 'help' isn't the worst word in the English language, and you know you've only been saved by two women who came from totally different backgrounds and entirely disapproved of each other but reached out the hand to shake when it came down to toddlers getting the short end of the don't-bend-the-knee stick. It wasn't that either of the men were bad people, I loved them both and got along great with both, but on a societal level I feel they were socialized in a very fucked up way if that was the end result, as both claimed "male pride" in these instances [my dad took multiple thousands of dollars I'd saved from working during college from me during the 2008-2010 financial crisis and didn't tell me and that was the reason I was given for why I hadn't been informed/asked, because it would be too emotionally difficult for an adult man to ask a young woman. My graduation present was them repaying me 1/3 of the money they'd taken from me without asking because I'd like, trusted them when it had been in a joint account that was a holdover from when I was <18 and couldn't have my own bank account].

While in some ways my parents on the surface achieved the American dream of going from nothing to a bunch of money, the real factor in play was that my dad's father was the bank. My parents had no credit and couldn't get real loans. My dad worked construction and during the two major periods that flipping houses was very lucrative, he never had to get an actual loan or pay actual interest, he just had to ask his father to pay out cash and then repay him at a flat 2% interest rate that didn't even accrue over time, just...whenever you are ready, repay the value of the loan + 2%. Because my father was doing something productive, in these instances, my grandfather was happy to pay, because it wasn't giving away money, it was loaning it. I had a very weird situation of mostly being poor but like also getting taken to the "big donors" events at the Kennedy Center and my grandparents regularly buying me a dress as a child worth more than my mom's wedding dress and also needing to pretend I fit in with these people.

And look. When I say "these people"...honestly, by and large, most wealthy people, whether inherited or not, are not the assholes you want to imagine. Most of them are extremely nice. Most of them are generous when it comes to the less fortunate who are in their personal sphere of being. Most of them are just really out of touch. The 100% kindest of all of them that I know once relayed to me that she thought people would be happier if once a year they did what she did...go to the airport with a purse packed full of absolute necessities, buy a one way ticket to the most appealing destination on the flight board, buy your clothes and book your accommodations after you'd arrived, and come back after you felt you'd 'centered' yourself. She didn't understand why there were so many unhappy people who weren't taking this very obvious route to being happier. I didn't quite know how to explain that saying "most" people couldn't afford to do that either financially or from a job/career angle didn't even cover it, as "most" sounds like 70% instead of 99.7%.

I was both my parents eldest son and eldest daughter in the worst combination possible. I was the eldest son because I was the most stereotypically male of all my siblings, in everything from desire to physically fight the battles I was given to dislike of shopping/fashion to lack of emotional connection to my relationships, so I can now fix your average household plumbing/drywall/electrical issue better than most "city" guys I interact with and remain less clingy to them in the process. I was also very much the oldest daughter from a responsibility perspective, I managed our household and from age 10 - 24 managed the finances of our family business, my mom almost died giving birth to my youngest brother after a ruptured uterus that should never have happened in the first place if we had adequate insurance to get her a non-emergency C-section (I was just past 9 years old at the time) and I was informally withdrawn from school for two years to take care of the family when she couldn't because there is no paid parental leave in the US and we got double-fucked by the medical industry because she got a bad "mesh" put in and then had to have a further surgery to repair that which we also had to pay for and didn't have the money to win a lawsuit over.

I don't know quite how to put this, but in the deepest fuck you of the universe, my rich-immigrant-ggggg grandfather's money led to him owning banks, insurance companies, etc, and the family cashed out in a big way when their ownership was bought by and merged with what is now Cigna, one of the biggest US healthcare insurers, and my nuclear family specifically got screwed by the American health insurance industry, but anyway, we were the people selected for that karmic comeuppance so if you want to feel schadenfreude at my expense, I'll allow it without begrudging the sentiment, my family might have fucked up your family’s life too, not just their own.

I got up twice a night to feed my brother because my dad had to sleep unmolested in my room to get to work and my mom was too weak to carry my brother or even hold him against her while she nursed so I had to hold him up to her. Adjusting to living in a city and hearing lots of random noises all the time was not easy when I'd had mom sound instincts from age 9.

I learned to drive the fall my youngest bro was born because my mom couldn't and I had to get my middle brother to preschool and go the grocery store on my own. While I hold absolutely no ill will towards my father or grandfather for this and given that about 1/3 of my paternal family either has an autism diagnosis or should, I fully feel the struggles they both went through to be communicated with, my father wouldn't ask for help, and my grandmother that lived 20 minutes away couldn't give enough help because my grandfather refused to do a single dish on his own as that was outside their "marriage contract" type agreement and she couldn't ever stay with us overnight when there wasn't a clearly-communicated need, so they let the burden fall on a 9 - 11 year old child and that really shaped a lot of my life in both good and bad ways. My youngest brother is 22, and we have only just climbed out of the medical debt his birth left us with between my dad's life insurance and my oldest brother and I paying for the extra cost of out-of-state college tuition.

The irony of all of this is that because my father died before his father, when my grandmother dies, my siblings and I will all inherit enough money (as a non-blood relative my mom, despite keeping her vows to part at death and not having remarried in eight years, is cut out entirely) to make this a non-issue, but my grandfather couldn't conscience spotting his unluckiest child some money in the end of days to pay for my youngest two brothers' education and take that worry off my father as he was dying. The day before he died I had to hold him down in bed to keep him from trying to climb in his truck to go to work because he was so anxious about trying to provide for us in spite of his father having fuck you money, because his father didn't think it was fair to the other siblings (who, at the time, still owned a major hedge fund and were married to a C-level executive of a huge conglomerate). A day and a half later I went back to my job because at the time I was then the sole provider for the family and didn't want to risk asking for the standard week's bereavement leave when I knew I was capable of showing up at work the next day and was fresh out of college so hadn't built up a reputation yet.

My father worked the day each of us was born, so I suppose it is only fair and he smiled at the choice. In spite of what it may seem, I gave a baller and very heartfelt speech at his funeral to all his rich friends that over and above everything, he'd taught us how to be happy with our own lives no matter what, and multiple of them emailed my mom in the aftermath to say they'd reassessed their relationship with their children in light of it, although...tbh I kind of doubt that lasted and they probably changed nothing 😅. The last good talk I had with him, two weeks before he died [his liver was going and it sent toxins to his brain that de-personed him after that and he no longer recognized me as his daughter, but as his sister], I reassured him that though we would all be sad he'd gone, we'd live on just fine without him because that's how he'd raised us, and according to my mom that was what gave him the final bit of peace he needed. Although honestly, I don't think I will ever see the strength in another human again that it took my grandmother to sit next to him and stroke his hand and tell him to close his eyes and imagine he was happy on a beach and die, for God's sake, because he was unaware and in pain and just prolonging it for our sake by then.

That type of obsession my grandfather had with assessing his children and grandchildren on the basis of economic productivity and a very black and white idea of "fair" is one you don't easily forget, I promise you. My hedge fund uncle is currently positioning himself to screw us out of our inheritance because of janky writing in the will and I'm doing my fuck all best to gain the wherewithal to go toe-to-toe with this cold motherfucker in court as the oldest and representative member of my happily much nicer and softer younger brothers who I want to remain that way not because I even care that much about the money, I know what bills affect your credit first and what you can put off paying and all of us have good enough career prospects to do our own thing, but just because I want to give the middle finger to a man that was a multi-millionaire and drew lines on his milk and orange juice bottles when I came over so he knew if I drank what my parents couldn't afford when I was approximately six. Anyway, ask me why I support major reforms in wealth taxation. I don't care who it goes to, just not that guy, you feel?

Having expendable income was very exciting for a bit after I started working but once I got to the hateable point of assessing my annual bonus and internally complaining that I'd spent the money I should have spent on a Sauternes cellar to drop five digits on bedset materials (to be fair they are drop dead gorgeous, very comfy and the factory pays a living wage for people to handmake the sheets/duvets/pillows to people in San Francisco, which is not cheap, so maybe I did more good than harm with that), I two seconds later nodded to myself and went "the government needs to confiscate more money from me". The narrative is always that the "undeserving" will use it for dumb things they don't need like iPhones or refrigerators...?...but like...I could also have gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a very nice sheet/comforter set for at most a tenth of what I paid so am I really spending it responsibly either....?....who is going to get more joy out of this misspent money....?....not me, that is for sure, I probably would have had more fun going to BBB and laying on all the demo beds and buying something there.

My lifelong dream, which may become possible if/when I do have something of an inheritance, is to provide food security for one of the many towns in the US were most residents don't have it. It's the thing I remember the most distinctly over the years. I never could quite believe it when I got to the point that I could just...pay to eat at a restaurant. One of the most disappointed my mother has ever been in me is when I was twenty five and confessed I actually had no idea how much a gallon of milk cost in a city grocery store besides that it was probably between $1 and $5, because I didn't have to know. For now I make a weekly drop off of my excess produce to a mom group I met under somewhat weird circumstances but I was walking through the cut-through that went through the low-income housing back to my apartment at like 2 AM on a Saturday and these moms were out there partying and smoking weed with their kids all strapped in strollers around or the older ones watched by a rotating member of the group and I felt very safe and like these moms had a very good vibe of both living their own lives [seriously for mental health parents but in most cases specifically mothers need to be able to keep up relationships with people their age] but keeping their children safe and accounted for while doing so and trying their fuckin' best against all the odds to figure out how to make that happen when life had dealt them a shit hand.

...anyway, looping way back to the original question of what finishing school is, when I was almost done with middle school my dad had built a legit construction business that then very quickly took off because we lived in a commutable zip code to the now-rich-in-their-own-right people he went to high school with who trusted him to redo their homes. We eventually moved to that zip code but I stayed and commuted back to my old high school. But, i was a pretty wild kid which my father appreciated for a long while because I would follow him around on jobs and enjoy doing physical labor, but once I was mid-puberty and also he had to maybe show me to his high school friends that did not fly.

I snapped - not broke, snapped - my left thumb and my parents had to trap me like a wild animal to get me to go the hospital. Then I got a deep cut that partially injured a tendon in my leg and at eleven I tried to beat the shit out of my dad to prevent him from picking me up to strap me in the car and go to the hopsital. Next I got a deep splinter due to my eternal-barefoot tendencies and it wouldn't come out so got infected and I refused to go to the doctor [another weird back story but I was minorly sexually assaulted [[to be clear, not raped or anything big traumatic]] when I was eight and had to stay in hospital for a week and my parents couldn't be with me all the time so I have a permanent heebie-jeebie about going to the hospital, not true anxiety, I will go if I know I need to and I don't breathe heavy or anything, and I'm actually not permanently weirded out by sex or anything, just doctors in hospitals specifically I kind of unconsciously try to justify not needing to the extent I can rationalize it] and my dad was tired of my antics so he was like "fine if you don't go I will slice your foot in half with a Swiss Army knife to get it out" and I called his bluff and laid down on the floor, stuck my foot on his lap, and he didn't really know what to do when a barely fourteen year old girl called his bluff so my brothers watched in fascinated but horrified awe as I got my foot sliced open spectacularly so that the infection/splinter could come out and I didn't even make a sound out of spite despite it being quite painful to my recollection almost twenty years later.

They saw me cry from pain exactly one time when while trying to break up a fight between all three of them (it was over ice cream) I got pushed and my ankle got dislocated and what actually made me cry was snapping it back in place and they realized it was not a joke. These dumb assholes that I love have ragged on me for "skipping" chores the day after I was in the hospital because the day before that I had to spend 18 hours running Thanksgiving as a good sub-hostess like I didn't have a serious infection that needed treating and couldn't rest because none of them were up to any task beyond peeling potatoes.

After the Swiss Army knife incident, my dad's discussion of sending me to finishing school became real, which I knew when my mom made me take a walk with her and talked about it. Finishing school is like...etiquette school....? In ye olden day when finishing high school was not the norm for anyone, wealthy men finished high school and wealthy women often went to "finishing" school to have a combined education on being a proper lady but also being able to hold a decent conversation with your presumably-educated husband, so it wasn't entirely etiquette non-academic. It was more just like "what a rich man wants in a wife" school, which was sort of household management and knowing enough about cleaning/cooking to correct the staff if they fucked up, how to be a polite hostess, and how to not entirely bore him when you were alone together and had done your five minutes of sex or whatever so actually had to have a conversation. In modern times it has obviously expanded to be less bleak.

I said miss me with that, I can be a girl on my own, so I went full throttle into the girliest sport they offer in high school and ever since have gained the inestimable advantage of knowing how to also use femininity to my advantage, which I am very grateful to my parents for making me learn. It would be great if we lived in a world where that didn't count, but it did/still does, and they really set me up to operate in all the worlds.

It is weird for me to tell the story to Internet strangers because it's one of those things that makes your parents sound terrible and abusive in the general tone of the Internet nowadays, and while I support gender nonconforming children I don't remember my childhood or parents that way. But, I feel like the bits and pieces of my life I've given don't always make a ton of sense together without the context, so here it is, and in the end, I think a number of parts of it are areas where you can probably understand where it makes me have the opinions I do when I write.

Anyhoo, this makes my life sound far worse than it is, I actually have a great life and I am not unhappy with it at all and feel I was on the whole blessed with many more turns of luck than unluck, so, please, do not take this as a depressed artist rant, it is more like a rant of a very energetic person who rants about a lot of things all the time and didn’t need to come out but just did because the question was asked and the time was right with my life being in a bit of flux to think about how I got where I am and where I want to go and why.

Always remember no matter what problems it seems like I have, if I didn’t solve them on my 2 year round the world traveling hiatus I took from working, it’s my own fault, I definitely had the time and money to solve them and just chose not to.

[alyssamaystewart]

Mental Health Talk

Well it's been a little while since my last post but I thought now is probably a good time to post again especially with all of the craziness of the world still going on and life stresses on top of this, it may be a good time for a brain dump.

My last post was my first ever post putting my mental health down into words which was such an unusual thing for me and still even doing it now just feels so unnatural, there is that voice in the back of my mind saying "Why even bother? What is this even going to achieve? Whoever reads this is just going to see some girl whining about her problem thats probably insignificant to them... People could look at this and think 'who gives a shit, look around at the people with the bigger problems, stop complaining', It's not even going to help you or anyone else.. so why do it?" but I also put that down to my anxieties surrounding this due to the fear of judgement from the people I know and love as well as strangers, which is also a symptom of anxiety and something that is also present in general everyday tasks. I guess that gives a little insight to a small portion of what someones mind goes through when they do suffer with mental heath issues, and thats not even touching the surface...

Where I last left off I spoke of my diagnosis, the age, the possible triggering factors, my current thoughts and feelings on my own personal situation. In looking back at that, I still have no idea as to what triggered my spiral into my poor mental health and I don't think I ever will and this is something I dwell on a lot of the time because I really just want to know, what circumstances in my life led me to here? Where did that downhill spiral really start to show and if it had been picked up at that point in my life, would I be like I am now? I know this is not something I should dwell on, I know I need to forget about this and look forward and look at how to manage the feeling I am dealing this in the present day but its just so hard to do sometimes especially when you are someone that just likes things to get done, I want to pinpoint the trigger or triggers, I want to know the fix and then I want to have it fixed.. so really I look at my mental heath kind of like an object or toy thats been broken and you can look and see whats happened to it, find the right way to fix it and bam, fixed! If only fixing your mental health was that easy..

In looking back over the past few weeks, I feel my mental stability has defiantly taken a blow. Living in NSW (Australia) and working in QLD with all of these COVID outbreaks and lockdowns has left me having to work from home while QLD closes its borders which itself is me working out of my bedroom because I don't have any other space to set up my computer. I had a week in September that my partner and I were going to go away for my birthday for a week to which he had set up this lovely get away to QLD which was to be a surprise to me which unfortunately we had to cancel due to NSW lockdowns and QLD closing us out, and then I was to have a week and a half in October to go down to Tamworth for my brothers wedding and then take the time visit family in Tamworth and Narrabri (NSW) but again due to COVID, they had to postpone the wedding due to friends and family residing in QLD and in lockdown areas. We fortunately took some time off over the October long weekend (weekend just gone) and took a trip to Yamba (NSW) which was lovely to get some time away from home and work but still didn't feel like a break, we blinked and then the trip was over... 4 days can go very quick and I feel like it can take 2-3 days to even wind down for me but all in all it was a good break even though short, it was much needed as I hadn't had a break from work for myself for over a year but now counting the days until I can have that long Christmas Break!

Something thats always been on my mind is how I would like to spend 3-6 months working on just myself, without the worry or work and worrying about how to live. I have actually had this conversation with my therapist and as beneficial as it would be, is also impossible unless you have a strong savings behind you to support you for this time as well as covering any expenses associated with doing this. But then I see people taking advantage of Centrelik benefits and doing absolutely nothing to help themselves (obviously not everyone, but the minority) when there are peple like myself out there wanting to improve their life and find themselves again but we are stuck working full time because we don't meet the standards because we are functioning, but we do this because we have to, we have a what I like to call a "functioning mental illness", we know we have to do these things because people rely on us, because this is what we need to do to live, because if we don't, we don't earn to live and we don't have any option to stop because we don't qualify for the help. Just because we function does not mean our illness is not debilitating, we just don't have any other choice.. but to what cost?

I know that the part I play in my life right now is not sustainable. I work full time on a 38 hour a week contract but work probably 45-50 hours instead, in a job that is constantly growing and incredibly stressful, the way I am at the moment I cannot sustain this for the long term, I am tired, stressed, exhausted and completely drained every week so by the time the weekend rolls around I don't want to do anything else but lay around and recharge. That's not living, thats existing for another person purpose. I want my own purpose..

Want to look at a new carer path? Well you need to study full time for 4-6 years (if you are looking to do uni), but you also need a roof over your head and food to sustain you? Oh well you need a full time job to do this also. So how do you find your own purpose is this day and age? As well as afford the everyday living costs? At the moment, I don't see how. But maybe one day I might.

Well, I think I should wrap this up now. If you are reading this, thank you and I hope in some parts of my blabbering there is something that resinates with you and makes you feel less alone.

[of-another-broken-heart]

I was randomly possessed to just. Do some squats yesterday? I was waiting on the microwave. I did 10 squats. Just to move. In the kitchen.  And then I did a little walking later with my friend. Maaaaybe a half mile, if I’m being generous??

I’m so out of practice. My thighs are having a rough time today. And my right hip, especially. 

It makes sense, obviously. Years of being sedentary due to fatigue and financial reasons and social reasons. Of course 10 squats and a half-mile walk all of a sudden have done this to me. 

Still feels bad. 

I miss exercising. I miss going to the gym. 

Shit’s so fucking expensive. 

I’m over here, slightly giddy because I’ve got “st*mulus” funds hoarded right now that are as high as I ever actually managed to save when I was working. So I know, technically, I can afford a few things. 

But years of poverty trauma mostly won’t let me. The $10 fruit smoothie indulgence yesterday was a combined celebration. First time seeing a friend in years. Early birthday for us both. 

I still looked up the pricing. Because I want to be able to do it, again. 2021 really coming through on the “Let’s remember how to WANT! And SUFFER for it!!” front.  The Black Card membership price is way higher than I remember. Basic is still $10/month (plus $39 annual membership fee - but “no contracts” somehow??) and the Black Card is more than double that - $23/month (same annual membership fee - same “no contracts” claim).  Basic isn’t really worth it. Tied to one single location, not allowed to use a lot of the facility’s perks, can’t bring a friend. So the Black Card would be the only plan I would actually consider. But not when a year clocks in at fucking $315 (plus taxes and fees*). The Basic ends up just about half that - $159 (plus taxes and fees*). But you go alone, locked to a single location, and can’t use more than half the stuff the place offers. 

I can’t believe there was a point in my life where I was doing well enough that I could afford that.  And I wasn’t even doing that well!  I looked through my old records. I think the most I ever took home in a year was a little over $9k. That was my income during the busiest of my years in my last job, making $15/hour.  And I thought i was doing well. I thought that was great.  My boss tried to make me feel guilt for doing that much work and earning less than $10k a year. He, who owned not one but TWO houses by the end of it all, and was able to comfortably plan and start a family, and own new (less than 5 years old) cars for both him and his wife -- HE wanted me to feel guilty for the price of my work done for him, even though it still clocked in far, far below the poverty line.  God, that’s so fucked up.  That’s SO fucked up. 

In contrast to making literally nothing for years, though. $9k does sound huge. And it’s been years of cost of living inflation and more wage stagnation, and pandemic and inhuman corner cutting so businesses can still keep profits ahead of human life since then. So even though $9k sounds huge it’s still just. What? A few months of survival? Rent and food and medical expenses and car costs and hygiene and household cleaning and maintenance... $9k is nothing. 

I wish gym memberships were covered under insurance.  All this fucking panic over “Fat is BAD! FAT IS BAD!!” But fat-removing surgery is just cosmetic, honey darling sweety. Diet and exercise! Diet and exercise!!  But all on your own dollar and time. You get NO nutrition education, no metabolic screening, no meal planning, no food assistance! You get NO safe space to move or exercise, you get NO coaching, you get NO training, you get NO gym access!

It’s all a fucking sham. 

I just want to feel better. I will probably never get to the point I was before - especially not if it turns out I have CFS (in which case exercising can worsen your health, isn’t that fun!) but I’ll probably die before I find a doctor willing to even entertain that diagnosis, much less run the tests and criteria for me when there’s conveniently my weight and lifelong depression to use as scapegoats instead. 

[setmeatopthepyre]

Mental Health Tips

So, I was looking through my mood tracker recently and realized there’s been a gradual but undeniable increase of good days and a decrease of bad days, and it hit me that yeah, I have been doing better and better. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that getting my ADHD diagnosis in January was a life changer. There’s a (great) book on ADD called You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? and that was exactly how I felt. Wait, all the things I’ve been struggling with, all the times I beat myself up over my lack of discipline or worried that I had a brain tumor because I’d forget things in seconds or thought I might be bipolar because I could go from the highest highs to extreme lows multiple times a day, that was all because of one thing? Amazing!

Anyway, realization is one thing. Then there was medication (also a life changer), and therapy, and look where we are now! Over the past year I’ve learned a few things that have had a huge positive impact on my mental health, and I thought they might be useful for others struggling with their mental health, whether it’s ADHD or something else.

You’re not the only one

Just to start off nice and cheesy, but it’s true. The reason it might feel like you’re the only one dealing with what you’re dealing with and struggling to do what seems so easy to others, is because mental health is still stigmatized and not something people generally talk about. But that doesn’t mean they don’t know it.

When I got my diagnosis, I talked about it a lot. Part of it was hyperfocus; it was something that was on my mind a lot so it became my one subject to fall back on. However, another part of it was knowing that if I’d known what ADHD really was earlier, my life would have been so much better so much sooner. At times I was sure I brought it up too much, but I’m glad I did. Being open about my mental health issues made people around me open up about theirs. Whether it’s people you know IRL or a tumblr page with mental health memes, that affirmation that other people have the same quirks and struggles as you do helps so much.

The bare minimum is better than nothing

Yes, it’s obvious. It’s still something I struggle with because there’s that little voice that goes ‘yes, but I should be able to do more’. Guess what? That there thought qualifies as not one, but two negative thinking patterns: should-statements and all-or-nothing thinking. Just because you think you should be able to do something doesn’t mean that’s the best choice for you, or realistic. Besides, who says you should? Society? Society knows nothing.

Thinking you should just be able to do all your dishes but getting overwhelmed at the prospect of doing so isn’t helpful. Washing a single dish, or even just rinsing one because that’s all you can manage? That’s still better than nothing.

That said, yes, strive for progress over perfection, but remember that progress is not the bare minimum. Sometimes, the bare minimum is maintaining the status quo, or even just making sure things get slightly less worse than they could have. And that is okay.

Remove steps & automate

Speaking of which: often it’s possible to make the absolute minimum easier. How? By removing obstacles, simplifying things so that they don’t take as many steps or spoons to complete. If your laundry basket is in the bathroom while you tend to undress in your bedroom, that’s where you move your laundry basket. Personally, even having a laundry basket with a lid on it is too many steps for me most of the time. If I can’t chuck my dirty clothes right in, they end up in a pile on the floor. Solution: my laundry basket is within throwing range and doesn’t have a lid.

It only has to work for you

Sure, society dictates that clean clothes go in a wardrobe or a dresser. That’s just the way it’s done. But guess what? When clean clothes start piling up all over my room because I can’t bring up the energy or focus or whatever to put them away, I break out boxes. One box for clean laundry. One box for clothing I’ve worn but isn’t dirty yet. And then the laundry basket goes right beside those boxes in my room, in plain sight. That’s my system until I feel better. If I’m feeling up for it, there’s an extra box so that I can divide my clean clothes up between ‘large’ (aka pants and shirts) and ‘small’ (underwear and socks) to make it easier on myself when I get dressed. Did my laundry? Clean clothes go in the clean clothes box. Wore something but it still smells okay and there’s no stains? Toss them at the ‘worn’ box.

Is it how “things are done” normally? No. Does it mean my clothes are even more crumpled than usual? Yes. However, it also means that there’s less clutter in my room, it’s easier to find something to wear, and there’s less risk of me just living in a pile of trash because my room’s a mess anyway.

Your idea of progress may be different from others. Your coping mechanisms might not work for other people. Your adaptive behaviours may not line up with societal expectations, and that’s fine! In fact, that’s more than fine, because they shouldn’t. They only have to work for you.

Remove forks

So the whole spoon theory is fairly well known in mental health circles, but reading about the Fork Theory was an eye-opener for me. It’s explained here, but because reading that article is another extra step (ooh, so meta), here’s the most important bit:

You know the phrase, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” right?

Well, Fork Theory is that one has a Fork Limit, that is, you can probably cope okay with one fork stuck in you, maybe two or three, but at some point you will lose your shit if one more fork happens.

A fork could range from being hungry or having to pee to getting a new bill or a new diagnosis of illness. There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute. I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.

This is super relevant for neurodivergent folk. Like, you might be able to deal with your feet being cold or a tag, but not both. Hubby describes the situation as “It may seem weird that I just get up and leave the conversation to go to the bathroom, but you just dumped a new financial burden on me and I already had to pee, and going to the bathroom is the fork I can get rid of the fastest.”

It’s close to the whole ‘removing steps’ thing, but less about making a task easier and more about giving you space to deal with things.

What this means for me is that when I’m having a less than stellar day mentally, I pay extra attention to what clothes I put on in the morning. Nothing too tight, nothing even slightly scratchy. It may be a tiny fork in the morning, but if I’m in a socially difficult situation, it might be a tiny fork too many that will lead to me being overwhelmed or overstimulated. I need to make sure I’m as comfortable as absolutely possible, aka remove as many forks as I can. Sometimes this means shaving my legs even though I think it’s bullshit that I care about that, or wearing clothes that draw as little attention to me as possible. No, I don’t want to care about what others think, but the truth is that part of me does, and I can’t change that right that instant. What I can do is minimize the chance that I get overwhelmed on an already stressful day.

Forks don’t have to be annoyances. They can also be tasks you keep putting off or something you keep reminding yourself of. Sometimes having a self-care day for me means doing all the easy things I’ve been meaning to do for ages but haven’t gotten around to. Sometimes it’s writing down all the things that are buzzing around in my brain, just so that I can assure myself I don’t have to remember them anymore because they’re on paper now. Sometimes it’s turning off notifications for specific apps because seeing them pop up makes me feel guilty when I’m not in the right frame of mind to respond.

Sometimes removing a fork costs spoons, like when I’m at a restaurant with a friend and I know that sitting in a spot where people walk by behind me is a pretty big fork for me, but removing it means asking them if they mind switching spots. That’s when it helps to be open about what you’re dealing with, because most of my close friends know by now that I always prefer to sit with my back to a wall, and I don’t even have to ask.

Compromise and automate

Back to the should-thinking. Sometimes removing forks means throwing all the shoulds out the window because they just aren’t working right now, and you’ll get back to them later. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t think I should care about what other people think, but I’m not there yet, so sometimes making life easier for me means compromising on that and conforming to societal standards if I know I’m going to need everything I have to get through a day. Another example: I feel like I should buy whole vegetables and cut them myself and cook my own meals, because pre-cut and prepackaged things are often more expensive and just contribute to more plastic waste. Okay, cool, but that ideal version of me who has the time and energy to do that hasn’t shown up yet, and in the meantime I need to eat. Buying a pre-packaged meal with actual vegetables in it is still cheaper than ordering pizza because I can’t get myself to cook, and it’s still healthier than trying to fill up on crackers because I couldn’t deal with the social aspect of opening the door for the pizza delivery. 

Sometimes, in order to remove steps, you have to compromise. Sometimes, in order to remove another worry (aka fork), you have to automate. When I first started on meds, I would write down the time I took them, calculate when I’d need to take my next dose, and set an alarm. It made me procrastinate taking my next dose, because it was too many steps. There was an app that did all that for me, but I thought it was ridiculous to pay for an app that did exactly what I should be able to do myself. 

I bought the app. I tap one button and my phone sends me a notification when my next dose is due. I have my phone on silent/no vibrate all the time, because notifications are overwhelming to me, so I have an activity tracker watch that lets me reroute only specific notifications to my watch, and now my watch vibrates when I need to take my next dose. I know this isn’t an option for everyone because obviously those things cost money (and it just goes to show how life is so much easier for the rich because they can automate so much), but if there’s any way to turn something you have to do often into something that will do itself mostly on its own, it may be worth looking into. Yes, even when you think you should be able to do it yourself. 

Are you sure the thing you’re worrying about is a problem?

This may seem super simple and obvious, but I legit had to change the ‘worry flowchart’ my therapist gave me to have an extra first step: ‘Do I have proof the problem exists?’ Spoiler: most of the time the answer is no.

I’m running late, I’m not sure if I’m going to make my bus to work. I’m stressing out about what will happen if I’m late. Maybe my superiors will get angry at me. Maybe this will be one too many times. But guess what? I don’t know if I’ll miss the bus. I might still make it. Until I know for certain that I’m going to be late, there’s no use worrying about what might happen. Even if I end up being late, I don’t have any proof that my superiors will be angry with me. I don’t know yet if the problem even exists, so why act like it does?

Another example: I can beat myself up over the fact that people think I’m lazy because I need to take a break. I feel terrible. I don’t want them to think I’m lazy! I can’t relax even though I desperately need to take a break. I told my therapist, and he asked me for proof. Do I have irrefutable proof that people think I’m lazy? Of course not, that’s an assumption I make. Am I a mind reader? No, I just tend to assume the worst. Okay, so why am I worrying about it if I’m not even sure the problem actually exists? Right.

This is not a moral failing and it does not affect your worth

Building on that: even if people think I’m lazy (and I don’t have proof that’s true!), that doesn’t mean their opinion is fact. Their perception of me is not a moral failing on my part. My therapist made me provide proof for and against the hypotheses that I was lazy, and there was way more proof against that statement. At the time, I was in school four days a week, working three, and had two other projects on the side. If, for example, my parents thought I was lazy for having no energy to do chores on my one free day in two months, (again, I had no proof they even thought that), they would’ve simply been wrong. They could’ve thought it all they wanted, but it did not mean I was lazy.

A lot of symptoms of mental health issues can be perceived by others as negative character traits, and that’s one of the reasons it’s so difficult to discuss sometimes. The thing is: their perceptions and opinions do not actually reflect on you or in any way determine your worth. Your brain going about things differently than theirs is as much your fault as needing glasses is (it isn’t).

And last but not least:

Emotion comes first (and goes last)

That sounds nice and cryptic, right? What I mean is that knowing your immediate reaction to something is unnecessary and that things aren’t as bad as they seem is different from feeling it. Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be emotion. Likewise, it’ll take a while before your emotions catch up with where your brain is going when you reroute your thoughts away from negative places.

The RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that comes with ADHD means that sometimes I have extreme negative emotional reactions to situations. When someone responds a little less enthusiastically than what I’m used to, for example, or when friends talk about something they did without me (even if I wouldn’t have wanted to do that particular thing and they know that), or even when someone didn’t hear what I said, it can cause this void to just open up in my chest and swallow every sense of happiness I may have been feeling. It happens suddenly and drags me straight down to my lowest point.

Lately, in those moments, I’ve been able to check in with myself and analyze what it was that triggered this meltdown. Thanks mostly to therapy I can rationalize that things aren’t so bad, and I can claw my way out of that pit, but that always comes one step after that first instinctual emotional reaction. Likewise, knowing things are fine does not mean the negative emotions disappear straight away. They take some time to dissipate, and I’m a little more emotionally vulnerable for a bit while they do. Emotion happens first, and leaves last.

It can be disheartening. It can feel like progress isn’t being made, but that very realization is progress, even if you’re not feeling it yet. Emotions follow the path they know best, and if for you, like me, that path is automatically assuming the worst, you’re gonna feel the emotions associated with that for a while, even when you rationally know it’s all crap. The thing is, practice makes perfect, and redirecting your thoughts into a more positive direction will, eventually, make that path the easiest one to find. Your feelings may take a little while to figure it out, but they’ll find that path eventually.

I’m not saying I’m cured. I’m not saying I know everything. I have bad days and struggles and all that, but I have been doing better. 

I mentioned it briefly at the beginning of all of this, but I started tracking my mood in July. It’s just one general mood a day, which obviously doesn’t quite display the ups and downs I deal with, but I tried to log the average for the day. I started doing so because I sort of knew I was doing better and better but of course once you get used to something, it becomes the new normal and it’s hard to tell when progress happens, so I tracked it:

[cadreformed]

Another one of Those Posts; Citrus needs some HALP

So here’s the DIRT y’all. We know these posts. WE KNOW EM so y’all know what’s coming.

I need Help.

I am moving to NY to start my career as an Art Therapist and it is NOT cheap to begin practicing. I had to pay 378$ to apply for a temp permit AND 70$ for the permit itself. I had to print 184$ worth of syllabi that DUE TO THE STATE OF NY NOT UPDATING ITS PAPERWORK I didn’t even NEED to send in. I also may have to pay ANOTHER 378$ BECAUSE of the states typo on their forms and resubmit my whole application.( because it’s my fault they haven’t updated anything since 2007).

I have a room mate but she needs help too cuz we are both broke young people.

I pay estimated 500$ of student loans a month with no lower payment options available.

I have sold ALL the furniture I can at this point and it is getting to where I may have to sell family furniture-which would be hecka shitty.

I live on 30$ worth of groceries a month and skip meals because uh I don’t make enough working a full time 40 hour a week job to afford anything more. I usually wild forage for food a lot but the wild onions didn’t come up this year on the property and I’m super salty about that.

I also have 0time to dedicate to my funko commissions since I’m moving and ALSO it’s expensive and time consuming! Two pops can take me up to four or MORE months to complete.

I have to rent a truck and haul my car up to NY solo because my family cannot help for medical reasons and they can’t get time off from their jobs. The truck and hook up for my car will cost me anywhere from 400-500$.

I will NOT have health insurance at my therapy job- Theres a reason therapists work more than one job: we don’t get paid much, if you cancel we don’t get paid, no shows don’t get us paid, and we RARELY get benefits. Meaning I am in fucking trouble if I cannot find a second job that gives me health insurance.

I’ve already been taking a lower dosage of my OCD+DEPRESSION medication ( I’m supposed to be on 75. But I don’t take the other half pill so I’m really on 50)to drag out how long I can last, I also have had to use EXPIRED asthma inhalers my WHOLE LIFE because we couldn’t afford another prescription and then I couldn’t afford another prescription. My doctors office did me a solid and got me a three month refill on my meds and 60 pills worth of samples to help me out and I am very grateful for that but as y’all know medication doesn’t help mental illness alone. I need to afford therapy and I need to get on new medication for my OCD+ depression+get a final diagnosis for my PTSD which was in the process of being diagnosed but I ran out of money for therapy appointments.

I am the wealthiest LMAO person in my family as we are BOGGED with medical bills; both my sisters have chronic health problems (stroke and heart attack) and my dad has chronic severe problems as well. So I usually have to help them with bills.

Topping it all off there’s something badly wrong with my cars engine and I’m taking it in this weekend or as soon as I can but it’s going to take a HUGE dent out of my dwindling savings.

Let’s not forget my landlord is a asshole and will most likely charge me for his own neglect of the property despite me informing him of it at least 7 times over a three year rental period. He’s already trash talked me to my neighbors and been a total dick.

I seriously don’t know what to do y’all. I am in deep shit. my savings are going to be completely depleted once I get to NY at this rate and while I can work three jobs once I’m up there ANYTHING you can give at this point will help me eat.

If you cannot donate that is okay! Take care of yourself first and foremost! But if you can spend a couple bucks and buy me part of a lunch I’d be super grateful.

🍋🍊My Paypal

TLDR; help out a mentally ill lesbian therapist afford groceries and like.... survive

[sojournlist]

If you’re a blogger or writer or aspiring writer and have low page views and a bit of flexibility in your time. Read this. It’s long but I also wanted to get my backstory in to describe why I’m doing this.

I started out adulthood pretty clueless. Like a lot of clueless 18 year olds, I figured I’d join the Army. I spent 5 years as a Photojournalist in the Army.

While in, I traveled the world, met famous journalists and celebrities, received a letter of commendation from the president. I was pretty confident things were going to turn out okay.

I got out and failed miserably at becoming a freelance writer, so miserably in fact, I lost my truck, my apartment, my girlfriend and became homeless for a short time.

A friends mom put me back on my feet, and I worked in a factory that produced pipelines for oil rigs making 6 dollars an hour. I was the only white guy and 6 months later I found out I outlasted the betting pool that all the immigrant workers had put together on how long I would last.

I never wanted to sleep on the streets again.

I eventually went to college, figuring if I couldn’t make a living in Journalism and English, I’d make a living in Math. I started out planning on majoring in finance, buying into the whole Gordon Gecko greed is good mentality. But wound up switching to accounting. There were ethics that appealed to me. We were protecting the investor and it paid good.

I had been diagnosed with ADHD years before and college was a struggle, not because I didn’t understand the material, but because I hated the length and work of it all. I graduated, became an auditor, I worked for large CPA firms and small ones, primarily in governmental accounting, but specializing in low income housing audits.

Bored yet? I was.

One day a recruiter came knocking and said that he had a CFO position at a small magazine publisher. I was excited. I took the job, and dove super deep into it. I learned as much as I could. I redesigned the books, I got involved in analytics projects regarding sales and projections and budgets, was introduced to how Advertising sales works, and all of that. I also learned I had high functioning autism. I kept that a secret. I also learned exactly why journalists get paid so low and who benefits.

I also had a pretty volatile boss. He would yell and scream and throw fits. We actually got along fine. But because I mostly towed the line.

Then he hired a new sales manager, felt he needed to impress her or something by flexing his power and in a meeting loudly demanded that I collect 50k in A/R or he would withhold my paycheck. He looked smug and asked “How do you feel about that.”

I replied, “I feel like that would be the last day I work here.”

He flipped the fuck out and disappeared for a few days. I usually let stuff fall of my back, but I was pretty angry. The next week, he had me talk to his consultant. It was a good meeting, It was supposed to be confidential. I told her about the autism diagnosis. She immediately told my boss.

The next day, we had a closed door meeting to go over our conversation. Then he got mad at something and the argument renewed and he brought up my diagnosis. I was a bit shocked that the consultant told him despite the promise of confidentiality.

He then told me, “I knew you had a low emotional intelligence when you brought donuts to work and didn’t clean up after everyone. When you bring stuff into the office, it’s your responsibility to clean up after yourself.”

I replied, “I didn’t eat any of the donuts. I brought them in for everyone else.”

“Yeah, and a person who has emotional intelligence would know that they need to clean up after them.”

I was also under the impression that at work you clean up after yourself. Plenty of signs at plenty of workplaces illuminated that for me.

He also got mad, that an IT project of setting up a better WiFi system that I was halfway through resulted in a box filled with half the stuff I hadn’t finished setting up the day prior on a table.

“I don’t need some fucking autistic guy fucking up my office,” he shouted. “You have two weeks to help me find your replacement.”

I told him I’m not helping find my replacement. Packed up my stuff and left. It was April 12, 2019.

Stewing over it for the next few days I devised a plan. I was going to mix the low income housing business model with publishing. A model where by separate entities sharing responsibilities risk is reduced, expenses are decreased and profit is maximized for everyone involved from the reader to the writer to the advertiser and to us.

Why? My boss had regularly mentioned that publishing has a low cost of entry. I also had shitty bosses at small firms in Public Accounting. I never understood why bosses in industries, where their employees could easily up and become competition would be cheap with their employees pay and treat them like shit. Especially since they could walk out the door and become competition.

My boss would often tell me that our magazine didn’t really have any competitors.

I wasn’t eager to go back to working for someone else and I really wasn’t eager to go back to accounting.

So I decided I would try and become a competitor. The business did have a low cost of entry, however, I had 18 dollars to my name on April 12th.

A few days later, I told my wife my plan, she was impressed and thought it was a good idea.

I told a buddy I was in the Army with my plan. He left Army Photojournalism and remained in communications. He thought it was genius. He’s now our editor.

I threw together a rough business plan, told a friend and he entered us into a University of Washington business plan competition.

We didn’t win, I had lots of positive feedback. A guy who informed me he was an angel investor and his wife was formerly a journalist loved the idea. A developer looked at me like I was an idiot and told me my idea was impossible.

I pushed ahead anyways. Another friend from high school who is a website developer offered to help, and the website started and went live on July 15th.

A month later, we had racked up 10k visits and 50 or so profiles, 15 writers submitted material.

The site was slow and it was bothering me. I had also been practicing building websites on the side.

So I hired a guy from Fiverr to optimize the site, he did, but he also destroyed our log in process, which is kind of necessary. I broke the site in an effort to fix it.

So I took it down. Spent a month rebuilding it by myself, and it returned live a month later.

I spent pretty much next to nothing on the site. Maybe a few thousand. But I wound up building a travel and tourism blog / social media site that does a 75 percent revenue share and profit share with content contributors. We have an ad server where advertisers can go in order, schedule, manage and track their ads.

We have close to thirty writers now, nearly 70 submissions from amateurs and professional writers, a unique bucket list feature, basically a system that is designed to help writers make a better living, keeps our costs low, allows us to charge less for advertising, and has the potential to get readers free stuff for simply being members and interacting and reading material.

The site is 95 percent complete. Just need to make a few more additions to the bucket list, update our achievement images and make them shareable and once again fix the speed issues. It’s an impressive piece of work and we’re proud of it.

This last month, we’ve cleared 12k page views and now have over 130 profiles.

I accomplished this with no website building experience, no marketing experience, no SEO, no backlinks, and I think our DA score is zero.

I did it by taking research on the effectiveness of micro influencers and reversing it and applying it to small Facebook groups and it’s been rather successful.

We’ve even gotten some interest in our first hosted ad sales. 3 1/2 months in.

So please, join the site. We are strictly geared and dedicated to helping writers.

http://sojournlist.com

[deathlygristly]

Last night I was playing Elder Scrolls Online and hanging out with the cats and the spousal person, and I said "You know, life would be pretty awesome if we lived in a civilized country. Like I have everything I want except national health care and a decent social safety net."

But I don't have those things, and so even though my personal life is pretty awesome I still deal with a shit ton of anxiety and panic and hopelessness. Like yeah, my day to day life is pretty good, but I still have to worry every time something is slightly physically wrong because of how much health care costs. I know I could easily lose everything I have with one accident or one diagnosis. And I know that the humans I am forced to live with like it this way and refuse to do anything to improve the situation, and that nothing in the US is going to get better any time soon, possibly not within my lifetime.

I'd leave if I could, but I've read that if you move to another country with your pets they make them stay in quarantine for months, and even without that I don't think that moving to another country with as many cats as we have is viable. Especially considering Oreo's special care needs. Plus my mother is sad enough about me living 100 miles away from her, much less in another country.

Maybe it'll be a possibility for our old age. We'll see. I have seen people say that some countries will let you retire there as long as you can show a yearly income that is fairly reasonable and might even be possible for us to achieve.

I'm going to try to schedule my annual physical soon, and I'm thinking about trying to bring up the anxiety again. Got shot down last time. The doctor was all concerned and talking about how medication for it was serious business and he sounded angry and upset and my instinct to fawn and to please authorities kicked in and I was all "I'm handling it, it's okay, I'm not a danger to myself or others, don't worry about it."

And it's true that it is slowly getting better and I'm learning coping strategies, but it's also true that when something goes wrong and I search for it on the internet to see how much I should freak out, anxiety is usually mentioned as a possible cause. Like the ear stuff and the teeth grinding and everything, and also I imagine the ulcer, and I keep reading about how hypervigilance harms your body over time. So I don't know, maybe anxiety medicine could help with the physical bits of it.

I know what would help the most is a decent social safety net and living in a country that runs on reality and research as opposed to fake news and id and the desire to hurt and punish others, but that's not possible for me right now, and anxiety medicine now could prevent worse illnesses later. But on the other hand, how expensive would anxiety treatment be? I should look into that. Might be the only possible solution is to keep working on it on my own.