#you got Pranked

[gurlbur]

"suicide jokes make your mental health worse!!!" then how about you kill YOURself!!!

[higher-noon]

Was anyone going to tell me that Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, was the one who narrated Slay the Princess, or was I just supposed to feel bad for thinking all British guys reading horror sounded the same by myself?

[mfjericho]

I was put on this earth, a bitch and moan.

And brother, I’m bitchless

*moans*

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Cruel and Unusual Punishments (the PSA episode).

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[columboscreens]

[itslilacokay]

HE GOT OUT GUYS NO WAY (this is a definitely real ava 11 screenshot)

[mystilotls]

The escalation from "I'm going to graffiti motivational quotes" to "I'm going to play obnoxious sirens of my voice everytime you get close" to "I'm going to unite with the server to bury you alive with your home, and I'm going to plant trees so it looks like you were never there" is certainly something.

[biblically-accurate-dca]

happy april fools here's a dumbass drawing i never finished

[cherriiramen]

hhhhhh but what if everything was fixed and Joker was fixed and he was no longer Joker but Jack Napier instead after Bruce talked with him an actual meaningful emotional conversation (after Alfred sat him down and lectured him about his complicated bottled up feelings towards him) and made sure he gets regularly doses of therapy afterwards (with him accompanying him) and he tried another go at being a stand-up comedian and he was extremely successful and everyone laughed at his jokes and he laughed with them because he was genuinely happy and sometimes he’d end up having to pause mid-stage to wipe his eyes from tears of joy and then when everyone claps Bruce would be in the crowd somewhere and claps the loudest and they got married and shared custody of Robin together and Alfred slayed as a father in law and and wasnwjkwo

(whispers) it’s canon now.

[genshin-impact-updates]

The "Mondstadt Tourism Revitalization Project"... Has Gone Bust!

"*sigh*... Looks like I completely underestimated how much this project would end up costing... I don't even have enough to get it off the ground! But as long as I pull out before it's too late, there's still a chance I'll be able to recover my losses and try again some day... Please, take this, and support me next time too!"

Claim Reward (Primogems ×40): https://hoyo.link/5hAiFLAL

*Rewards can be claimed before April 3, 2024 23:59 (UTC+8).Please head to the web page to claim your reward as soon as possible.

After claiming your reward on the web page, it will be sent to your in-game mailbox. The mail will expire after 30 days, so don't forget to claim your reward in time.

[hello-eeveev]

Now that Bells Hells know that Caleb is Essek’s partner, this seems like the perfect time to share the lists of things bh knew about Essek, Caleb, and Essek’s partner that I compiled in order to write Above All (and continued to compile afterwards). I focused pretty strictly on what was confirmed explicitly by the text, but there are a few notes outlining what I thought might be reasonable extrapolations for the Bells Hells to make that would lead to them linking Essek and Caleb in their minds. Enjoy!

What Bells Hells Know About Caleb Widogast:

- Chetney, Orym, Imogen, Laudna, and Ashton met him and Beau at the Tishtan Excavation Site

^ c3 names Caleb knows: Laudna, Chetney (wolf form only)

- He wears a deep purple scarf (that info is just for me tho)

- allied with planerider ryn

- friend to the grim verity

- has been following Ludinus for many years with the intent of taking him and his inner circle down

- was part of the team that damaged the shadowfell key

- has been up against other Cerberus Assembly membys

- he used the word dunamis, but they have no clue what that is. they ask, and he gives them a very basic rundown (note to self: compare to Essek’s?)

- Obscure reference to the beacon that aligns with what Essek says in 95, but there’s like, nooooo chance they could put that together. also not a defining characteristic.

- has “someone on the inside [of the assembly]” who had to back away

- seemed to know a lot about the Cerberus Assembly

- admitted thorn in Ludinus’s side for quite some time, to the point that Ludinus uses his first name and wanted to gloat about his victory to him (and Beau) specifically

- metagame knowledge that Beau is with the cobalt soul, thus aligning Caleb with them

- using context clues, they correctly assumed origin is Wildemount, Dwendalian Empire

- Allura is familiar with him. some of his and Beau’s allies have been in contact (Essek???) (probably cobalt soul let’s be real) (but Essek did say he was an ally to the exandrian accord, so it’s not impossible that he has made some contact with allura, whether she knows of Essek or not)

- Zemnian (presumed by accent, usage of “nein” and “ja”)

- Had Jester relay messages via Sending (either doesn’t have sending, doesn’t have it prepared, or no spell slots)

- sent an archivist of the cobalt soul to escort them to Aeor

^ extrapolating backwards: Keyleth said that she would contact someone who had researched in Aeor, and when this person was unavailable, she said they would send an archivist in their stead.

^^ this archivist was Seth Domade, who was announced as “sent by a Widogast.”

^ extrapolating forwards: Seth is revealed to be Essek. Therefore, Essek and Caleb know each other and have both researched Aeor.

- is Essek’s partner :)

What Bells Hells Know About Essek Thelyss’s Partner:

- Zemnian (presumed by “gesundheit. I learned that from my partner as well.”)

- has followed/is following the Cerberus Assembly’s machinations

- told Essek a bit about Predathos, implying that this partner is privy to information that is largely kept hidden away

- kind and smart and so strong (of heart)

- Essek talks to him before bed

^ could we make an extrapolation that Essek wanting to preserve spell slots to talk to his partner implies that this partner does not have access to Sending? It’s a bit of a stretch, and not one I think any of the bells hells would be able to make with their limited knowledge of the mechanics of magic beyond their own capabilities

- was with Essek in Aeor when Essek got wild magicked into a fish

- carried Essek while he was a fish

- is “one hell of a person” (paraphrase of Ashton, confirmed by Essek)

- has a tangled history with the Assembly

- is a man

- a powerful practitioner of the magical arts

- teaches on occasion

- his name is Bren (Essek what do you mean, I’m going to kill you)

- is very intelligent

- would have brought the Bells Hells to Aeor but he was busyyy

- is Caleb Widogast :)

What Bells Hells Know About Essek Thelyss

- sent by Caleb

^ whether or not they were paying attention to that fact is up for debate, but it’s possible, and the information was available to them

- disguised as a Cobalt Soul archivist

- fugitive

- formerly of the Kryn Dynasty

- is the reason Ludinus has access to as much dunamantic knowledge as he does

- reformed in his dubiousness

- first name basis with an assembly member, but doesn’t like the assembly

^ tbf Astrid doesn’t seem to like many members of the assembly either

^ Astrid only cooperated with the interrogation because of Essek’s connection to an old friend

- has been to Aeor, and the genesis ward specifically (we know why)

- defaced a bit of Aeor :)

- used to manage a dynasty outpost in Eiselcross

- turned into a fish in Aeor

- has a tangled history with the Assembly

Side note: Caleb, Allura, and Essek’s explanations of dunamis [50, 76, and 95, respectively] share a lot of similarities in structure and verbiage. And Allura mentioned that she has compatriots more knowledgeable about dunamis and the Dynasty [76], which just makes me fully believe that Allura knows Essek too, not just Caleb.

[somecunttookmyurl]

best prank my nan ever pulled was getting my granddad a pack of 100 cigarettes (if you've never smoked, you can buy 100 packs which is 5 packets of 20 encased in a plastic wrap, or a box)

she very carefully unstuck the outer covering and slid out all the packets

then she equally carefully undid the individual plastic wraps on the packets from the bottom (again, if you've never smoked, there is one of those little pull tabs at the top to take the top part off, but the bottom is folded over and stuck)

doing this without ripping the plastic is very difficult

she slid out all of the packets from their plastic gowns

she very carefully opened each box so as to not rip or damage it

she carefully folded back the inner paper

she removed every single cigarette

in one box, she replaced the contents with candy cigarettes

and then, painstakingly, she slid each box back into its plastic wrap

re-folded and stuck the plastic at the bottom

put them back in the outer plastic, with the candy cigarette one at the bottom (so as to be last) and restuck that

and gave the cigrarettes to my granddad

[daily-crabbys]

Today's cat is: golden shine

[hauntingyourself]

This is entirely self indulgent everyone look away

[hailsatanacab]

"give me a fandom and a prompt and i'll give you at least five sentences"

Ok then.

Jazz, Danny and Bruce are in the same age range, and Bruce has been harboring a massive crush on 7'foot tall Jazz since just after he began his training journey.

His kids know about and are mercyless. Danny thinks he's a bit of a fruit loop and 100% knows Bruce has a crush on his sister.

Into the future his coworkers find out that batman has been quietly pining after the Ghost Kings sister for years.

Chaos.

love that this reads as a challenge. Ok then. Write it. i will, let's goooo!

(sorry i kinda took it so that Jazz, Danny, and Bruce were all old friends but in that horrible adult way where you can only hang out with each other once in a blue moon when your work schedules miraculously align)

——

"Respectfully, Batman, you can take your "it's not necessary" and you can shove it up your arse. There's a demon the size of a skyscraper heading towards Metropolis and we need reinforcements."

"Superman can—"

"Superman can't. You do remember the part of the report I made telling you this, right? Or did your stubborn little bat brain just shut down when I mentioned magic?"

"Actually," Nightwing interrupts from the side, a shit-eating grin on his face, "I think his brain shut down when you mentioned the Ghost King."

"Nightwing." Batman growls in warning, his jaw clenching so hard Constantine can swear he hears the bones creaking.

Nightwing just snickers, and turns away to press a finger to his ear, no doubt letting the rest of the bat brood in on what's happening here... Whatever that is. All Constantine knows is that Batman is standing between him and fixing this mess for no God-forsaken reason.

Luckily, some of the more reasonable members of the League step in to try and talk some sense into Batman. It gives him some time to calm down.

"Batman. We need him. I know you dislike working with unknowns, but he's our best shot."

It actually looks like Wonder Woman might be getting through to him, Batman even opens his mouth to actually explain some things—a huge step forward for this incredibly emotionally constipated man.

Instead, Nightwing snorts and beats him to it. "Unknowns? More like—"

"Nightwing, please."

"Oh, for Pete's sake, get your head out of your arse and let me do this. The Ghost King is our only hope. I'm summoning him, no matter what you say."

For a long second, Constantine thinks that he'll refuse and he might have to resort to more violent methods of persuasion—which, honestly, Constantine has fantasised about many times during the more boring JL meetings—but eventually, Batman relents and steps out of the way.

"Fine. Nightwing, go check in with Red Robin."

Nightwing has the kind of devious smile that makes John glad he doesn't have kids.

"Oh, don't worry about it, B. Red Robin's coming here. So's Red Hood, I don't need to go anywhere."

"Nightwing—"

"Sh, it's starting." So saying, Nightwing then very obviously ignores Batman's protests with a poker face that even Constantine envies. What he wouldn't give to be able to shut the bat out like that.

The summoning goes quickly, thankfully. The lights flicker, the temperature drops, and the chalk circle erupts in green flames. Standard summoning practices, sure. Even the impromptu appearance of Red Hood and Red Robin—"Did we miss him?", "No, not yet! I got 2:37, what about you guys?"—doesn't throw him off.

It does pique his interest, though. Just what the hell is going on with them? Constantine's weighing up the pros and cons of asking them once all of this is over when the ground splits open and the clawed hand of the Ghost King begins to pull himself out of the ground.

John's a seasoned summoner. It's practically his job, he's done it countless times.

The icey fear that grips his heart, that freezes his breath in his chest, is new.

Pure, unadulterated power floods the area and he feels small, so, so small, like a child playing with things he doesn't understand. When he finally tears his eyes away from the portal, he catches a glimpse of the other magic users in the room, the same horror he feels clear in their faces. Even Captain Marvel stares slackjawed.

The pressure rises, death magic screaming in his ears, almost forcing him to his knees, and suddenly he's not so sure this is a good idea.

Too late to back out now, though.

Sickly green light pours from the crack in the ground, growing brighter and brighter as the giant figure rises, until Constantine has to close his eyes and look away. The last thing he sees are eyes, teeth, horns, a crown so bright that it burns an afterimage into his retinas.

When the light dies down and he opens his eyes again, a humanoid man floats in the centre of the circle. The ground is whole, nothing is burning, the man doesn't even have a crown. Instead, other than the wispy white hair, slightly green skin, and the—you know—floating, the Ghost King appears pretty normal. Huh.

Constantine blinks, rubbing his bleary eyes, and checks around to make sure everyone's okay. Most of the League are doing the same as him, taking fortifying breaths and trying to appear as if they've not just been completely blinded.

Most of them, that is, aside from the Gotham vigilantes.

Batman himself stands upright, arms crossed, looking completely unbothered by the whole thing and John's got to admit, he wishes he could do that, too. That was... a hell of a show.

The others, however, are waving frantically with huge smiles on their faces.

What?

There's a brief, taut silence, as everyone else tries to catch their breath.

As much as he would rather take a bit of a breather, John should probably start making introductions. Unfortunately, he only gets as far as opening his mouth before the Ghost King beats him to it.

"Oh, Ancients, hey guys! It's been forever, how are you? Look at you all, so grown up, wow—Nightwing, buddy, do a flip!"

It doesn't take much to get Nightwing going, and he certainly doesn't leave it at one flip. The whole of the Justice League and Justice League Dark watch with open mouths as Nightwing performs for the Ghost King.

What, and John can't stress this enough, the fuck?

As soon as Nightwing rights himself, Red Hood swats him across the back of the head and calls him a show off.

The Ghost King just laughs as he claps. "There's my little monkey, look at you go! And I'm loving that leather jacket, Hood, is that new? Looks good on you, really your colour. Brings out the red in your helmet."

"Thanks, Uncle D. At least someone around here appreciates fashion."

"Are you kidding me, you know I breathe fashion, need I remind—"

"Need I remind you of the Discowing incident?"

"That was era-appropriate and you know it! Uncle D, tell him it was era-appropriate!"

"It was era-appropriate, but so are crocs and it doesn't make them fashionable." The Ghost King—and holy shit, is this actually the Ghost King? Or did Constantine just accidentally summon a deceased family member, what the fuck is happening here?—turns to look at Red Robin with a smile, resolutely ignorning the argument he created. "How you doing, Double R? You get that tablet Tucker made for you?"

"Yes, thank you! It's so cool, how did he—"

"How's Tucker doing?" Batman interrupts, his hands now hidden underneath his cape.

As soon as the question leaves his lips, everyone groans. Red Robin makes a show of lifting up his wrist and staring at it intently.

"Incredible," Red Hood mutters with a shake of his head.

Even the Ghost King seems put out, rolling his eyes and answering in a flat tone as if he knows Batman isn't interested in what he has to say.

Not for the first time, Constantine feels like he's missing something.

"Tucker's doing very well, thank you for asking."

What follows is the most awkward silence Constantine has ever had the pleasure to be a part of.

All three of the Gotham vigilantes, including the Ghost King, are staring at Batman, waiting for something. Batman's cloak shifts as if he's moving his hands, fidgeting. If Constantine didn't know any better, he'd say he was nervous.

"Good. That's good, I'm glad to hear it."

Instead of saying anything else, the Ghost King just raises his eyebrows and continues to stare at Batman. Has he offended him in some way? Are they all going to die because of this?

After what seems like an agonising few minutes but could only really be a few seconds, Batman's shoulders dip and he takes a breath. "And Jazz?"

They all erupt into shouts, the Ghost King being the loudest. The only thing John can make out is when the Ghost King throws his hand in the air to point at Red Robin with a shout of "Time!"

"1:30.91, we got 1:30.91 on the clock, who's closest?"

"Did you even try to hold it in at all, old man? I'm so disappointed in you. People think you're cool. People think you're suave, I don't understand how they could be so wrong."

"Thank you for that, Hood."

"No, thank you, I won. Again. Because you're so predictable. Actually, I had one minute seventeen, so you held out longer than I thought you would."

Batman pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs loudly.

Constantine feels like doing the same thing.

Whatever. He's going to have to interrupt... whatever this is. There's still a rampaging demon heading their way that they've got to bargain for. He can untangle Batman's personal connection to the Ghost King later. Or he could leave it alone and forget everything about it.

Yeah, he'll do that one.

But before he can actually open his mouth to say anything, the Ghost King, again, beats him to it.

"So, B-Man, did you summon me here for a particular reason, or was it really just so you could ask about Jazz?"

There's a beat of silence before Batman mutters, "I asked about Tucker, too. We've not seen each other in so long, it's only polite."

"And I'm sure you meant it, you're the paragon of manners." The Ghost King nods slow and wide-eyed as if he doesn't believe him at all.

At this point, even Constantine doesn't believe him.

"It has been forever, though." The Ghost King muses, bringing his hand to his chin and folding his legs underneath him. "We should all get together sometime! If you get Alfie to make some of his cookies again, I'll get Clockwork to lend us a pocket dimension where we can spend as much time as we want, deal?"

"It's a deal."

No hesitation at all, incredible.

Hold on. Wait. John has to fight the urge to pinch himself, because this has to be a dream, right? Is Batman actually smiling? He didn't even know he could do that.

An itch niggles at the back of John's mind. He's starting to get an inkling of what's going on here and it's... weird, to say the least.

"Oooh," Nightwing singsongs, like a child in a playground tickled by the very idea of romance.

But then, who's he to judge? John's no stranger to strange bedfellows, that's for sure. Whoever this Jazz is, she must be something incredible—she'd have to be, if Batman can't even go two minutes without asking about her.

"Batman and Jasmine sitting in a tree," Nightwing continues, with both Red Hood and Red Robin joining in for the rest. "K—I—S—S—I—"

"Stop," Batman growls, completely drowned out by the Ghost King's laughter, but...

But.

It all suddenly clicks for John.

The Ghost King Phantom.

Her Royal Highness, Princess Jasmine Phantom.

Jazz.

"Holy shit, mate," John breathes, unable to stop himself as everyone looks his way. "You have the hots for the Princess of the Infinite Realms?"

The Justice League meeting room has never descended into chaos quicker.

[phoenixcatch7]

Bit of a shame I left hp before I entered svsss because one of my favourite tropes at the time was 'dumbledore calls in External Support from different fandom during ootp and they show up to grimmauld to help (and utterly upstage everyone in the process)'.

And needless to say Sqq, at any point, would have been perfect.

Like. He's a teacher too. A scholar. Secretly from the modern world so he'd have no trouble with its intricate and mysterious workings, incidentally making himself look very cool and competent in the process. He'd have So Many Opinions. He'd incite bloody war with umbridge. He'd project his feelings for sj onto Snape with a side of commiseration for his role and fate. He'd mostly pretend to know so much less about hp than he actually does (which, hilariously, he canonically name drops in svsss, AND his system is pretty heavily implied to have previously worked in, like wow). He'd be constantly comparing Harry with lbh. He'd have a running internal dialogue bemoaning the world building, the characters, Harry's fate, the general decision making process, maybe some death of the author. Geeking out about magic. Raiding the library whenever he's free.

He might bring his students as part of an exchange, he might bring a fellow peak lord if it was a serious mission (liushen anyone?) he could bring adult lbh. Maybe sqh? Or sqh could be the messenger with the system and/or mbj.

A self aware character who couldn't live with himself if he didn't at least try to change Harry's fate whether or not he actually likes the kid? He could canon that divergence before you could say horcrux. That kind, oblivious, smoking hot exotic teacher who had people ruining their lives for him in a world that was used to people that pretty and also hated him specifically?? The hogwarts students wouldn't stand a CHANCE.

Man the scenes are coming to me so strongly I almost want to write it just as a like. Satire piece or something. Just Sqq ripping everything to shreds, accidentally or not. Diatribes on the author biases. Unintentional themes. Iffy world building choices. Nothing new, but through the lens of svsss' Sqq it'd be something for sure XD.