#yknow. like i know its the health anxiety but i can just feel it. it just fucking sucks bc i need my arm for ummm fucking everything

[infernape]

i am sad tonight but oh well work tmrw

[sapphicc-ace]

💗About me!💗

MY DM NOTIFICATIONS DONT WORK USUALLY AND ITS ANNOYING IM NOT IGNORING YOU AAAA

They/she, sapphic

Pretty self explanatory. I'm still kinds figuring out my gender identity but for now I'm a femby, feminine leaning non binary person. If you don't respect that move along. I dont at all mind being referred to femininely but a they once in a while might be nice, still figuring things out yknow? And when it comes to the next two topics, as the name implies I'm very sapphic, meaning I'm not rlly into the masc side of things. But all gendered peoples are welcome here and I'd love to be friends with anyone!! Also I have a lot of social anxiety so forgive me for being stupid fhfhrjf

Aromantic...maybe demi?

I think im aromantic. I'm not actively looking for a serious relationship, but who knows maybe thatll change one day. Just keep it in mind when you dm me im not really looking for a relationship, pls dont get your hopes up. However, I love being flirty and making people happy and flustered with complimentsand teasing😋 I'm open to queerplatonic/poly stuff and would love to be an encourager to any fem feedees, or just make new friends! So feel free to reach out as long as you respect my boundaries (and ofc I'll respect yours, be sure to tell me them so I know!!)

If I think you're cool and am comfortable with you and you live in or near new york...👀

A graysexual feedist?

Yes, asexuality is a spectrum, and in truth I think i reside more on the lines of graysexual. For some, asexuality means not being sexual whatsoever. For others, like me, you can still experience stuff like arousel, without the need for sex itself. I personally am put off by sex organs of all kinds. Sex itself is physically pleasurable, but conceptually does nothing for me. Tldr, I only get off on feedism, my love for feedism is an aesthetic fixation consciously, while my body gets horny about it.

And as the name implies I loooove soft feedism! Casually encouraging someone to overeat, praising and teasing their softness, cute shit gets me so bad. I do enjoy some more hard stuff too, but usually only if my partner is into it. I naturally lean more soft core.

Feedism topics i love:

-Button pops

-Gluttony🥴😵‍💫 🥰(especially the "helpless" style of gluttony)

-Tight clothes

-Jiggles

-Burps (in particular lil borps from being too stuffed)

-General soft feeder-feedee stuff

-Bloating

-Before/after, seeing progress, that kinda thing

-General chubby love especially from non feedist sources, call me a dork but that pureness makes me heart sing🥺

Stuff I'm neutral on (can be cute in the right scenerio):

-Pet play

-Belly noises

-Slob

-"mommy" type stuff

Things I am NOT interested in however:

-Graphic stuff about genitals/holes. Knowing youre super aroused can add to it but just...no holes pls

-Blueberry stuff

-Vore

-death feedism/health issues

-Inflation

-Abusive situations

-Any bodily fluid or substance that comes out of you lol

(BTW anythibg on here that's halfway is like neutral, like I won't be sad over a lack of it but I like it!)

Neurodivergent

ADHD, undiagnosed autistic, probably an anxiety disorder, yeah I'm kind of a mess

Other interests:

-Videogames, generally big on Nintendo stuff and play plenty of steam games. Not really into super competitive stuff, realism or most shooters, but some big names are Kirby, Smash Ult, TF2, Pokémon, Celeste, Animal Crossing, and I'm a huge fan of many roguelikes like Binding of Isaac.

-Animals: pls send me cute photos of your cat🥺

-Magic the Gathering (filthy commander player who hasn't bothered learning the meta for other formats)

-Failed artist but I love seeing other works!

-Foodie (no honestly outside of kink I'm a huge slut for good food, but I'm as picky as a 5 year old so it's a struggle lol)

-Weird horror stuff, warning I WILL tell you my analog horror theories

-Animated shows like adventure time

-stupid movies, I will quote some bad movie I havnt seen in years because it suck with me for no reason

That's pretty much everything I think is important to know about me. I'll edit later if things change. Hope you have a good day full of delicious foods! (Or full of adorable fatties if you're an fa!)💗

I am both of these btw spiritually (credit: punkitt)

[crowwithahotdog]

Everybody always talks about how they should teach kids how to do taxes and stuff in school yknow like life skills and that’s all well and good but I also think we should have more in depth health classes like beyond just the “you have bones you have muscles this is how you put on a condom” like what I got in school. Like talking about common things that people can have. The difference between headaches and migraines. What certain things actually are like wtf are heart palpitations. Do you know how many years I spent thinking that I had some weird form of anxiety where I didn’t actually have any anxious feelings other than wondering why my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest all of a sudden. Literally called it “that weird physical anxiety I get” like bitch those are literally heart palpitations. Imagine if someone had told me sooner that the normal amount of pain is 0. Or that it’s actual not normal to stand up and have your vision go entirely black. Like yeah life skills should be taught but who cares about taxes I’m out here tryna abolish money but everybody’s got a body and we should learn how they’re supposed to work and what happens when they’re not working how they should

[ofcowardiceandkings]

unmedicated rambles;

honestly even if im NOT covid+ i might tell work i am lmfao

its not something that should be embarrassing but im much less comfortable telling my direct project managers that like ... "an admin issue means im off my meds which means im a fucking feral liability right now" than like .... talking to my normal ass coworkers or supervisors .......................

like its not remotely a joke or embarrassing or my fault whatsoever but it feels much less ... real ... yknow ,, even to me the walking advocate for speaking about mental health i uh dont have the mental bandwidth to do that at the moment i cant fathom it

i doubt theyd mind considering the pair of them both have legitimate Peak OCD so like they Know How It Be ??

idk im kinda scared they already think im a giant flake or im unreliable or yknow ... im off sick a lot compared to other people but im just not a healthy person lol that also cant be helped ,, this isnt the first time its happened either but as it is theres not a lot i can do when it does happen - its just stupid NHS admin errors. for someone with LESS of an anxiety problem it might be a bit more workable - it was for me actually last year with another project manager BUT ALSO im having A BIT OF A TIME OF IT right now compared to so im absolutely OFF the rails at the moment AND that project was so much more lowkey than a huge infrastructure project with active plant and asbestos removal the field over and big proceedurals and ... yeah

i would hope that comes across more as ... yknow being responsible than work dodging i guess, i don't wanna put anyone in danger ,,

IDK i dont dislike either of them at all i get along with everyone i work with but theyre much more standoffish and i rarely interact with them directly so ?? i feel guilty sometimes still when the brain acts up and i feel like they already have good reason not to like me lol :(

( that was the RAMPANT anxiety talking )

i dont like being reminded how bad it is without drugs

(( now ive upset myself im gonna go to bed ))

[viaetor]

exhaustion

im sorry for throwing this here in the first place. I generally don't post vents on tumblr dot com, but I've been under so much stress lately and I just. don't have anywhere I can dump things yknow?? i don't wanna feel like a burden to my friends or as if its their responsibility.

but I've been so, so exhausted lately. but it's so hard to just *stop* or *take a break*.

currently, im working 3 part-time jobs, participating in 4 uni projects, writing my thesis, finishing up my government-funded research, completing translations, on top of having my regular classes. not to mention more work and projects ive been "invited" to accept that are still starting up and my upcoming mandatory internship. my parents have been entrusting me with more and more responsibilities regarding their physical health as seniors. but i also need to keep an eye out so that my drug addict sister doesn't do anything stupid and gets thrown out of the house again. I'm also worried about another sister of mine.

Lately i tried to distract myself by involving myself more with my friends. I've helped a few friends out with their own stuff (moving, writing, job interviews, emotional support) and ive been reconnecting with long past friendships, which is pretty neat. and it was working for a while, but im starting to get drained from even the simplest interactions.

now every time I look at my phone or get out of my room, people are calling me to ask to do stuff for them. I'm so numb to it all, I just do it automatically even when my body is sore and my brain is dead.

the worst part is that I can't quit anything. there are no vacations waiting for me, and no way I can lessen my workload more than I already have. I'm numb to it all, it's exhausting, but I feel so ashamed for even feeling tired. I feel like I have no right to feel that. I'm so used to being "reliable" and "efficient" to others that I'm not sure if I know how to Not be what people expect of me.

Ive been trying not to smoke or stress-eat and instead just hit the gym to get rid of the stress and anxiety, but even that hasn't been enough.

I want to write. I want to draw. I wanna learn languages. I wanna study. I wanna chat. But I just don't have the energy to do the things that make me feel happy and healthy. even if I'm ironically already doing some of them. I feel like an ungrateful brat. especially since I'm surrounded by so many awesome people.

I'm really lucky to have you all. I love getting your messages, seeing your posts, writing with you. I'm so happy with how I've been developing bonds with people here. thank you so much for investing in me! i really do cherish and appreciate it. I just want to apologise for seeming so distant and emotionally unavailable, not to mention how long i take to reply sometimes. to those that have been nothing but kind and patient to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can make it up to you!

I'm just really, really tired at the moment, and I'm not sure how to juggle through everything in my life right now. so I'm really sorry.

I wish I had dottore's skills so I could make clones of myself ngl. that'd be pretty neat

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[pencerism]

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚

Guzma saves Pencer!!

...from a spider.

this scenario happens so much, and every time guzma hears pencer screaming, he believes he is genuinely hurt, so he comes rushing in to help his boyfriend. to see him screaming over a tiny spider.

...also im trying to make my posts look more pretty, if it wasn't obvious enough. lol. AND im gonna be tagging my yumeshipping posts with #guzpen and #shedinjashipping (which is their ship name) !!

also i...i dont know why the thumbnails for my art are very low quality. this happens on twitter, too. i use procreate, send the pic to my private discord, and download it on my phone. that might be why. idk. ill try posting my art directly from my ipad next time, it might help?...

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

below is a vent and explanation as to why i don't finish my art that often. dont read if you don't want to see it please!! its very long!!!!!

ive been really unmotivated. i can't finish art anymore. my 6-2 job is really tiring. and my mental health isn't that great. art isn't really...fun, anymore. and its scaring me. im scared ill completely discard my favorite hobby. i got an ipad thinking it would help. it really just. doesnt.

my mental health is my top priority. i don't know if i really want to be the type of artist to finish my work. its extremely hard for me. it doesn't look like it, but that asriel drawing i did took...hours. it took hours. and im not proud of that fact. and seeing my art get virtually no attention just. sucks, yknow? im on twitter trying to make mutuals and post my yumeship art but it's all ignored. most of the time i am ignored. none of my posts get likes, and im not even overexaggerating. it fucking sucks, all of it does. i get so jealous so easily.

i want to post art often, but if my art is taking hours upon hours to finish, that just won't happen. i can only see myself finishing my art on weekends. even then, im not sure about it. ive quickly come to realize that my job has taken over my life. that, mixed with my severe depression, anxiety, and adhd...just doesn't bode well for me.

i have pretty bad adhd and it gets extremely hard to focus on one drawing. i have so many drawing ideas during my boring ass job, but when i get home, i just wanna sleep. i want to desperately continue improving my art and drawing multiple things a day, but it's just hard. im forcing myself to draw every day, but fuck id be lying if i said its easy.

...so, im probably not going to be actually finishing art for a bit. i want to continue to draw my yumeship. i want to continue developing on my yumeship. and i want to finish art of my yumeship. i haven't done that in a long time. most of it has just been sketches. and im having extremely mixed emotions on whether i want that or not. i love sketching, but finishing my art just feels like a fucking chore. idk what to do.

[penumbrialhexandroga]

Byf

This blog is meant for free personal expression. (Mental health focused blog) So im not gonna post one single consistent thing. Just be warned, i have posted calico critter content already but also art content which, its all just meant to be a personal place for me to explore self expression. So im not gonna censor myself and

i prefer adult interaction only

as i dont want to limit myself in the art i post here (im not posting nsfw art it feels like im kinda implying that but thats not what i mean) might be posting about my mental health or just like ramble on here but forewarning ive said a lot of stupid shit. But im also just not interested in talking to minors yknow?

About me

24 he/they transsexual ftm/masc agender (meaning I feel a lot of sex dysphoria, but if I had been born in an amab body I would probably identify as non binary, agender). Ive been on testosterone since I was 16 and have had top surgery, I would like bottom in the future; that's as much as I'm willing to speak on the subject of surgery.

I have non human parts and so I identify as therian because of that. But I prefer to stay kinda non specific about my parts 'v'

I consider myself plural because of how I experience my parts.

Since this is gonna be a mental health focused blog (because im focused on my mental health rn), I'm gonna list what ive been dxed with. But know that diagnoses are not static things and they can change over time; at one point, my therapist thought I had schizophrenia for example, but that's no longer the case. My diagnoses can never capture the complexity nor totality of myself as an individual. But I do think they're relevant and help me define my story. I was first diagnosed with the following at 21:

Autism level 1, level 1, PTSD, ADHD inattentive presentation, OCD, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Persistent Motor/vocal Tic Disorder.

(But I really now only get motor tics the vocal tics were happening during my dissociative episode)

Just the other day (at 24) my current therapist I've been seeing for a few years says I have CPTSD.

So that fuckin sucks (*´；ェ；｀*)

This blog is for me to just practice existing and taking up space and expressing myself and being real.

Okay as for like PERSONAL INTERESTS

I'm an artist, ive been drawing since I could hold a crayon. Recently I've been doing watercolor plein air stuff. But my main focus has always been like figure and portrait drawing. I love drawing from life. And I've been loving painting from life too!

I've also been developing an increasing interest in 3d modeling

Ive been listening and reading the Warrior Cats series :) I first picked it up when I was a kiddo, but never got too far even tho I loved it. I'm tryna catch up as fast as I can lol but expect to see that kinda content

I love animals in general, all animals.

I consider myself deeply spiritual (some parts more than others lol) and I like to read tarot sometimes

[angeldiaries777]

i don't know + i went on a completely seperate rant and completely diverted from the original topic sorry +i don't care if this sounds harsh you all need a wake up call and so do i + personal obvi + i dont fucking know (don't read if u have no braincells to spareim kidding )

i can disagree and dislike something or not do something but that doesn't mean i have to talk about it. i think more people should dislike things in silence. life is so miserable when you try to teach dumb people smart ideas. twitter for example i see people finding things to complain about just so they can post for validation and its so absurd to me cuz take my tumblr as an example when i post i am only posting random embarrassing shit about whatever i want whenever i want to. im sure on some level i don't share the really personal stuff but for the most part i am very vulnerable on here and i wear my hear on my sleeves. however im not looking for problems with certain things or people. i dislike a lot of things in this world. i dislike a lot of opinions. and i give my own on a lot of things but i honestly think after a while you really have to stop focusing on what you disagree with. i understand suuporting a cause. like im super passionate about mental health i don't think i'll ever stop speaking about that topic irl or online/ educating people on it. but with a lot of other stuff all of this online echo chmaber hive mind bandwagon stuff is exhuasting. i want to focus even more on what i love and just in general be online less. see and do what i love more often. just yknow i think being educated and well versed in all these things out there is great. and i am by nature a super curious person i loveee to learn i loved school i got straight a's for a decade and a half i do research for fun like thats my shit. i'm a smart person and i love teaching things and learning again to reiterate. though i feel myself becoming dumber almost? and this has been going on a for well over a year at this point i just feel like i am not articulating my points correctly i feel like typing online has ruined my already very messy handwirting. yeah i just use slang words and phrases a lot now and its just very not me. i feel like everyone knows everything about the world and their fututre and i don't and will never understand certain things when i am clearly capable of understanding and learning them. i think a huge part of it is growing up and your brain becomes more solid almost. i also think social isolation and deprssion and anxiety play a huge role in my brain fog but i just feel very stupid and dumb yeah thats all my fingers are numb

[bjrdonghyuck]

.

[aroaceconfessions]

Tw: drinking, self harm of a friend, uh, unhealthy relationships

Why is friendship so, hard?

I love friendship, and i think its one of the most fulfilling kinds of relationships that exist! But its also, to me, the one that has caused me more pain.

I had to ghost a very very good friend some months ago because if my parents found out i was talking to her, they would have made my life hell, and hiding her was not good for my mental or physical health. And i miss her. I miss our talks, I miss the trust that we had on each other, i miss the comfort of being with her. But i dont miss the fucking nervous colitis and having to take medicine because of the anxiety that hiding her caused me.

Or, there is this friend that started drinking and getting wasted at school, and i dont know how to help her, but i hate being near when she is... drunk.

I love her so much, she is just, such a great person to be around when she is sobber, and i have tried to help her on anything she needs, but she just wont stop, and she expects me to babysitt her because another friend does so (that friend is kind of an asshole tho, she treats the whole thing as "aww the baby got drunk again, how silly of her :)").

And another friend just, tried to kill herself a year ago, and she always gets bad emotionally during summer vacations, and i dont want to lose her.

And so long and so forth.

And somethimes i wonder if its easier for allos? Like, that asshole friend can always dump my drunk friend on the rest of us and go kiss her bf, and one of my closest friends has his gf to go and talk to and do the weird couple stuff that my aro ass cant understand. And i feel that i dont have that opportunity to get away because friendship is the thing i've got, and, this mess of people is all i've got. I cant even go to the one friend i was comfortable talking to because i ghosted her, and the rest of my friends seem to think that the talking about all this weird shit is reserved to the partner, but i cant have one, i dont feel the things that they seem to hold so high, and, they have made clear that you are an ass if you dare to be in a romantic relationship with someone if you dont get the romantic feelings.

I may need better friends i guess, but i have started to think about qpps and how nice that sounds. It seems like the perfect solution to my problems. Its a close, platonic relationship, and thats all i need to be strong so i can deal with the hardships of friendishp. Yknow, a person that i can count on being there as i take a break of the rest of the world burning.

I dont know tho, i know its not healthy to go and get a partner (even if its a platonic one) just to try and, solve external problems? And i mean, its not like a lot of people near me would even consider being on a qpr, so yea, kinda in need of help or, just to rant to get all that out i guess.

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Would you rather be paralyzed from the neck down, or trade bodies with your Dad?

I find this question weird af...

But you bet imma give it a weird af answer because i cannnn.

These are both terrible situations. Paralysed from the neck down will definitely impact my quality of life and coping with such a drastic change will eradicate my mental health. Plus you know I have way too much anxiety to be able to even imagine someone helping me wash or wipe my ass. Like let's take away that I'm an introvert. Even if I wasn't, id like my me time to have my shower in peace 😩🤚. Plus I'd be too worried about ruining any of my clothes with the possibility of...ahem because I won't feel when I need to go. Omg and how will i steal the last bite or something? Do you realise how much power that would give my sibling? Nope, I refuse. I've spent my siblings whole life establishing myself as the strong sibling and you bet that means protecting my food with flailing hands. It's a real issue. And that's only me trying to make a lighthearted joke about a horrific situation.

But on the other hand, swapping bodies with my dad. Will I know I'm in my dad's body? Will my level of consciousness stay the same or will i turn into my dad because that also doesn't sound appealing. First of all, he's bald. I cant go through such a transformation like that. Secondly he has unreliable knees and I don't need my support system known as THEM THINGS THAT HOLD MY BODY WEIGHT failing on me. Whilst we're there, ive spent my whole life never seeing my dad's dick and I intend to keep it that way thank you. There's just somethings we don't need to see in life yknow and I find it hella unfair that my/his bladder will be like "Hello its me, you need to pee" and THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO WHIP OUT HIS YA KNOW JUST SO I DONT LIVE WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF HAVING TO PEE. WHAT KIND OF EXISTENCE IS THAAAAT? I don't need the 'to pee or not to pee' dilemma.

So it sounds like I'd be in a body, that I'm very aware isn't mine and feel awful about that or feel awful that I have my own body but trapped in it...

I would rather someone just end me. My dad can keep his body and shady knees and I can keep my ability to karate chop anyone who tries to steal my food...until I can't because someone yeeted me off the planet.

This was a weird thought exercise 😁

Update: That's how I'll deter the demons. I'll refuse to pee and make them live with that until the get out of me. 👀

[st4rry4pples]

alas, i have made it back from the trenches (my toilet)

man, what is there to say? kate was the first real queer female representation i had seen in media, which was cool for little gay me. aidy has always been one of my favorites, she just has this loving and fun energy thats impossible to not make you smile. kyle is the most autistic non autistic person ive ever seen and i mean that in the best way possible. not only is he hilarious in all the weird shit hes done on the show but his creations outside of snl are amazing (watch brigsby bear!) and i cant wait to see what he does next (just please dont let it be dressing up as baby yoda dear god). and lastly, pete... pete davidson has gotten me thru some really shitty times. as a kid whos anxiety and hypochondria got so bad to where i couldnt leave the house, it was always cool to see a rad lad like him being so honest with his mental health struggles. ive been thru a lot with pete, all his rich fancy girlfriends, his movies. i remember one day at school i had felt depressed and completely burned out, so durinf my lunch break i watch (part of) his special alive from new york, and suddenly my troubles melted into laughter... until i would find out later that day that school would be shut down do to a pandemic 👍 but his comedy definitely distracted my anxiety for a bit which was cool. no matter his tone deaf choices in women, petey boy is always gonna have a special place in my heart :-)

now, where the hell can i start with you guys. im gonna be open here, i started liveblogging snl in feburary of 2020 (i know im ancient) then the pandemic hit and i fell into the worst mental state of my life. for once i didnt have an answer. i felt completely and utterly useless and didnt feel like i was living in my own body. every day felt the same. of top of that in august of 2020, a friend of mine took his own life. so adding grief onto my isolation made every day feel like a nightmare i couldnt wake up from... that was until i thought of actually doing something and getting in the snl liveblog tag again, where i was very pleasantly surprised at the community that had suddenly blossomed out of nowhere. at first, our crew was small, but it grew and grew with every month and soon it became a tradition i looked forward to every week. things had started to feel real again and i finally had something in life to look forward to even if it was just for an hour and a half every saturday (mid)night.

flash to a year and a half later and i can honestly say i am in the best mental state since i was a kid. sure i have my own set of problems and the world keeps getting wilder and wilder by the minute but i finally feel real yknow? im finally with my friends again and ive gotten so much better with my relationships and myself and balancing things (ok for the most lart i have a shit ton of work to do) hell even with work i finally feel an ounce of motivation, im even motivated to do stuff i like again like draw! i havent drawn reguarly in 3 years! i can honestly say that tuning in with you guys every saturday night has definitely made a difference more than you know. and while a big change may be happening to 8h, hell they got us through a big change and now its time for us to root them through one. thank you all from the bottom of my heart from hearing me ramble about my special interest, i wouldnt be who i am without snl or the comedy of the cast members throughout generations. its shaped me as a person and im proud to contribute to this niche little community :-)

i love you all, take care of yourselves, [insert an snl reference here im too tired to come up with], and i'll see you all in october :-)

[cutemeat]

no you’re so right for that, op was honestly being rude and probably didn’t expect you to see it (altho i see that they did tag it as sunny so maybe they just don’t care). when i started out, the ppl of this fandom have always been so unapologetically vocal abt their theories and interpretations, and it was so welcoming to me to see that everyone was having fun rambling into the void, knowing that we care enough abt each others’ ideas that even if we don’t always agree, we Get it. like that’s what sunnblr is for, pardon the brainrot but it comes with the territory. you were one of my first (and also only lol) sunny mutuals and i know for a fact i didn’t used to share my thoughts the way i do now before following ppl like you. PLEASE keep rambling, it is good for the soul

thank u Danny!! 🐀💘

it means a lot more to me that I have had that kind of impact where anyone feels more unapologetic n enthusiastic abt talking abt their interests n interpretations n theories! cuz I care so deeply abt that n think (esp cuz this is a space all about enthusiasm n hobbies) it is so fun to hav a place where ppl can do that!! (obv we should be mindful depending on subject matter, but just general rambling abt shit is, as u said, good for the soul 😌😌) U are also just such a creative person n i rlly admire yr style n yr skill u are just so thoughtful and intelligent so u Should be so loud n proud abt those things!! u are such a treasure n ily!!

I hold no grudge against op, cuz i do recognize this kind of thing is just apart of a larger pattern I’ve seen forever since using the internet where a lot of the internet likes to preach abt de-stigmatization n mental health awareness… but unfortunately the internet doesn’t rlly create platforms that are conducive to actually keeping that kind of thing in mind and practicing it effectively. ik that most times (since this is a problem that started in the real world n sure as hell hasnt been solved any better lmao), that unless you are just experiencing palatable symptoms like depression or anxiety… u are opening yrself up to that kind of thing, n i know that just comes with the territory of being mentally ill and havin any public account. im sure its even somewhere in the fine print of the terms n conditions that no one ever reads LOL. i try to brush it off, but it is still hurtful sometimes and so that’s why I left that reply to just explain where i’m coming from and why i left those tags in the first place. cuz again they dont know me and idk them so its not anything personal! but again ik thats sorta the game u play when u post anything yknow? like for all anonymity’s benefits, there are cons like ppl don’t Know i experience manic type symptoms or fixate excessively if they dont know me or follow me, esp when i don’t leave that stuff in my bio anymore or always post abt it so they Don’t Know. and it’s just generally very prevalent to see someone saying Wild Shit n immediately be like ‘wtf?’ n post it without rlly giving it much thought. I mean, I’ve probably done that before myself w/o rlly giving a second thought to what I was doing 😭. so I try not to take it too personally n hope ppl will be sympathetic if they do see the other person’s side of things, at least!

But again I do rlly appreciate u sending this cuz it was still very reassuring and again im rlly happy u feel more inclined to share ur thoughts after following me cuz again u are so thoughtful n passionate n i still love reading ur posts n seeing ur art abt anything u are interested in even when its not Sunny stuff, theres always so much detail in everything u do its incredible! 💖 and dont worry abt me cuz i def dont plan on stopping the rambling myself anytime soon BSJDBDJ

[scatterpatter]

Corren - 1 through 100 - You did this to yourself.

FUCK YOU *UN-IRONICS YOUR ASK*

UNDER THE FUCKING CUT

1. What do they smell like?

Bad. Do you think their party is able to regularly take showers? I thinketh the fuck not. ... Pine and old books when he can self care tho.

2. What is their voice like?

Listen I know Corren, being taller, would be more likely to have a deeper register but you'll tear "tenor Corren" out of my cold dead hands

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Spite.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

When he first met his BFF Alondra, he was so antisocial and good at ignoring people that she actually got the impression he might have been hard of hearing. She never let him live that down. (one day I'll finish this fic i promise)

5. How do they deal with/react to pain?

"I will keep all of my pain in here, and one day I'll die." ... Okay but listen he's squishy so he takes like one hit and is bloodied up. Someone get him a healer. Pls.

6. What do they like to wear?

He likes his cloak. Its weighty and soft(well. WAS soft. got a bit of wear and tear these days.) and like. Who doesnt love cloaks.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

Ohhhhh fuuuccck this one's tough. I might have to go with Torvid honestly. While the entire party has had a positive impact on him(and trust me I was this close to picking Alistair), Torvid's been more of the one to call him out on his bullshit and to, oh I don't know, talk about your emotions? Ever??? Yknow BEFORE they become too much to handle and he absolutely breaks down???

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

Alistair's cooking.

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

Good luck finding him NOT cuddled up with at least one dog. Tbh he just enjoys cuddles in general.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

FUCKIN. GIVE HIM A GOOD STEAK. THIS BOY IS MOSTLY CARNIVORISTIC.

11. What do they feel most insecure about?

As tempted as I am to say "His cooking", it's actually his singing.

12. How do they like to dress?

"Comfort over flashiness tbh. I gotta go ADVENTURING in whatever I wear after all."

"... Also don't you DARE perceive me as cishet."

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

Call him a genie because he will BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?

Denial :D

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Shrike: Killing his dad

Me: NOOOOOO

EDIT: WAIT THIS WAS ANSWERED IN Q99 WHAT THE HECK

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?

Somehow more of a dick than usual. Snappy and cranky and just. Mrehhh.

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

Doesn't get drunk often, but when he does I imagine he's actually giggly and a little clingy. It's cute :)

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

*Opens my Corren playlist* Oh yeah. It's either full edgy alt rock or indie alt "depressed millenial" tracks.

19. Are they right or left handed?

FFFuuhhhhck uhhhh well

Looking over my old art I can't seem to pick a dominant hand(I've even drawn him handling his sniper with either hand???????????) so like oops guess he's ambidextrous.

20. Fears?

The dark, the ocean, dying alone and forgotten, his friends losing their trust of him

21. Favorite kind of weather?

Rain!!!! Especially cool rain like what people often get in fall months.

22. Favorite color?

Indigo!!!

23. Do they collect anything?

Books :3

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

Cold weather by far.

25. What is their eye color?

Electric blue!

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

Well his race is a homebrew race known as Marelienth. Uhhh ethnicity? Idk he's from a mountain town way up north *shrugs*

In human aus I imagine him as half-Mongolian half-Norwegian so ayee

27. Hair color?

Black!

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

No :D He loves adventuring with his party don't get me wrong but he still has a lot of trauma to unpack. ... Also he was just possibly broken up with soooo. :/

29. Are they a morning person?

NOPE.

30. Sunrise or sunset?

*motions to above question* Sunset.

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

More organized, actually!

32. Pet peeves?

*unravels a list. It's all shit the party has done. Mostly Alistair.*

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

HOOUSIDSJFK- HE- Y-YEAH HE SURE DOES

His amethyst pendant used to belong to his brother, Julian, and he gave it to Corren right before they were separated so you BET it's sentimental as shit and he wears it daily.

34. Least favorite food?

Mecha's usually a great cook but one time trolled him with some absurdly spicy curry he couldn't handle and he's never forgiven them.

35. Least favorite color?

Hmmm. Maybe... yellow?

36. Least favorite smell?

He spent a year with his party in a damp cave and no showers, so uh. I'll give you a guess.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Literally last night in our game's timeline :D Full breakdown and everything!

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

Torvid :D He was there to comfort

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

One time they were in combat and Corren took a few hits and was down to about 2hp or so. He had a temporary level thanks to Kieran, which boosted his HP a little bit. When he teleported them to a safe town, though, well... Torvid was waiting for them so that's cool. But uh. Yeah that temporary level wore off then and there, dropping Corn Cob to exactly 0hp and he just- flopped down face first in the snow and started dying then and there KJNDKLFNSLKN

40. Do they have any scars?

:)

Do you want to talk about the scar over his eye from a fight he got in with his dad or like. The scars on his limbs from the time he was literally experimented on.

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

:)

Undiagnosed+Untreated Anxiety, Depression, DPDR, PTSD, just to name a few

42. Do they have any bad habits?

Running away from his problems, definitely.

43. Why might someone dislike them?

He's a pretentious nerd. He can be a dick if he doesn't care about you.

44. Why might someone love them?

He's an adorable nerd! He's a hopeless romantic and oddly enough an optimist. He's passionate and driven too!

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Well ghosts are like- a canon proven thing in his world sooo. Yeah.

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

His party. Well- most in his party.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Nethyl :)

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

He's dating Nethyl and they're in a happy and healthy relationship :) *politely ignores canon*

49. Do they like surprises?

NO >:(

50. When is their birthday?

Heroya 5th! I think. I don't wanna check, assume it's this.

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

"You guys celebrate your watchdays?"

Jokes aside, he mainly just treats himself to a nice dinner and a new book or something :)

52. Do they have any family?

Two older siblings: Julian and Mila. His parents are Andreas and Fanya!

53. Are they close to their family?

... *Coughs*. He was close with his siblings, but Mila died and he hasn't seen Julian in 30 years. Was close with his dad but last time they saw each other, they fought and Corren might have killed him so. ... Yeah. :/

54. What is their MBTI type?

FUCK uh. I... N... T... J? INTJ. Sure.

55. What is their zodiac sign?

In Sekrezia: The eagle

In our world: Uhhh. Idk. Capricorn????

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

Uhhh. Ravenclaw??? I know almost nothing about HP :/

57. What D&D alignment are they?

THIS ONE'S EASY- lawful neutral!

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

:)

Used to have typical nightmares, nothing special. Nowadays though he often dreams of being underwater. Not drowning, though. It's... weird. He doesn't like those.

59. What are their views on death?

He's a necromancer lol.

Death is inevitable, though. It's a necessary part of life. Death is not an entire loss, though. One lives on in the memories others carry of them, in the love they hold in their hearts. Death is complicated, but that's okay.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

Alistair :)

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

Dog time :)

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

... Ehhhhhh?

63. Do they have an accent?

Technically??? It's an accent from where he's from but like. I just barely tweak my own voice when I rp him so? Damn Corren I'm sorry you've been cursed with east coast dialect.

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

"Damn who's the rich bastard here?" (cake is kinda a delicacy in their world- not like elites only but not NEARLY as common as it is here)

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

Reassurance mode to whomever he's with. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm okay. Remember what I told you, death is a natural part of life, yeah? I don't have any regrets, I'm okay... Just. Thanks. For giving me a chance. Thank you. Thank you."

66. How do they feel about sex?

I SWEAR he's allosexual. I'm just bad at writing allosexuals.

67. What is their sexuality?

He doesn't really know how to pin it down, so he just calls himself "queer". Definitely not straight, that's all he knows.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

AHAHA no. He's hella desensitized

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

Skulking cyst. Look it up at your own volition. It's. NO.

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

It's 12:21 in the morning and I'm NOT about to scroll through a bunch of tv tropes just. just. NERD stereotype.

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

Yyyyes? Only really if it's the people he cares about.

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Bullshit.

73. Do they have a pet?

WINGTHARA!! HIS SKELE-DOG!!!

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

Oh yeah he's all bark and no bite. He usually just throws a little fit and/or yells.

75. How patient are they?

More than he should be :/

76. Are they good at cooking?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

Oh yes he insults the others all the time. No particular favorite, he likes so spice it up.

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

Stim. Stim. Stim. His eyes get all sparkly and he. He.

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

He will do everything in his power to assure they won't ever have to deal with their fears alone- You afraid of spiders? It's his job to get the spiders from now on so you won't have to deal with them.

80. Are they trustworthy?

Oh yeah. He's like Rapunzel- doesn't break promises.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Oh yes he tries to hide it. And yes, he's awful at it.

82. Do they exercise regularly?

Yes and no? No like- exercise regimen, but the amount of travelling and fighting they do is just- a workout in and of itself

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

Yeah! He's cute and he knows it baybie!!!

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

He,,, he likes someone who's physically stong,,, Muscles are,,, aaaaa >///>

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

Someone he can nerd out with :)

86. Do they like sweet foods?

Impartial to it. He won't turn sweets away but he's not crazy about them either.

87. What is their age?

43, the equivalent of- I think someone in their mid 30s?

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

He's 6'8" :) Which is actually normal for his race

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

Sometimes! I like to think he has reading glasses or something like that.

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

HE'S CUTE AND HE KNOWS IT.

91. What is their sense of humor like?

Julian tainted his sense of humor and now he finds the most dumb shit hilarious. Think very millenial/GenZ humor like "I wish I was Jared, 19"

92. What mood are they most often in?

"I don't get paid enough for this" or Fear.jpg

93. What kinds of things anger them?

People who don't keep their FUCKING WORD. Oh and like. Yknow. Half the shit his party does.

94. Outlook on life?

Again he's??? Oddly an optimist? In the "Things will get better and that is a fucking THREAT" way, but still optimist!

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

Talk about his family :) Or the fact that his boyfriend might want him dead :)

96. What is their greatest weakness?

He's squishy as fuck. He goes down easy.

97. What is their greatest strength?

He's extremely intelligent and great with magic and his sniper!

98. Something that they regret?

Not doing more to stop his brother when he tried to resurrect their sister

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Either convincing an entire town his name is Torren or accidentally convincing some very OP people that he's secretly a dragon.

100. Create your own!

FUCK YOU I SPENT LIKE 2 HOURS ON THIS. NO PROOFREAD. IVE ALREADY DESIGNED CORREN'S AND NETHYL'S HYPOTHETICAL KIDS. ANYWAYS THEY'RE TWIN IRINAGA AND I'VE NAMED THEM AFTER THE DNDADS TWINS: THEIR NAMES ARE LARK AND SPARROW.

[snakeningel]

not to be starting homestuck race disk horse in 2019 but yknow what? I Will.

being an asian fan in the hs fandom is kinda, not great actually. in fact, it not only feels like we’re not here at all, that we’re erased, but its honestly? downright harmful. people treat the trivialization and fetishization of your culture to be,,, like a Big Joak. yall joke about weebs like these people havent been literally grooming and abusing asian girls, like we havent been made fun of enough for Their actions, like we aren't already viewed as the strange punchlines to jokes that still seem somehow acceptable. its somehow funny to joke about how you hate every sign of asian culture that shows up throughout the comics, like how dirk’s kotatsu was dumb and pretentious as if people in japan dont literally live with one and use it every single day!

even asian-coding in characters get swept away in favour of other headcanons. even the megidos, who are as close to canonically asian as they possibly can be in a medium like homestuck, are often drawn white or something completely different altogether. the stridlondes are also heavily asian-coded, and the fans who do pick up on that, who finally feel comforted by someone like them as protagonists? they often just.. give up on that, because they see so little representation in the fandom. (theres only like one popular artist i know of that draws the strilondes asian? but like, hats off to u pal, youre fighting the good fight). also, it seems strange, to be represented so little considering almost 3 billion people on earth is asian, which is, Quite A Lot to be not represented a lot. dont get me wrong, i adore the outpouring of more diverse art of the kids, but a hard truth to swallow is that pocs being weebs/fetishizing asian culture, is just as harmful as white people doing the same. there is a world of difference between japanese dirk, trying to interface with his lost culture by clinging to the most performative and popular parts of it, than another dirk, appropriating people’s cultures because he thinks its funny or interesting based off a show he watched once. i love how people are like "wow the striders like anime and care about traditions and use japanese words and overall just seem like diaspora kids" and the conclusion they draw from that is "clearly,, they cannot be asian" bc a non-asian person being interested in those things is better than an asian person whose interested in their own culture i guess??

in fact, a lot of these narratives are so much more interesting once theyre looked at through their coded lenses!

Dave’s struggle with coming to terms with his emotions strikes such an interesting chord when the striders’ concept of irony and never showing their emotions Correspond so well to the idea of honour/face, where youre not supposed to show that youre Ever Sad or anything that isnt a positive emotion because it shows that youre a Failure and You Failed and that makes you a Bad Person, which is exactly what dave struggles with because hes So Guilty about it, which ties to the guilt and shame a lot of asian people feel about not being able to live up to impossible standards set by their parents, which is another theme we see reflected in all four strilondes. 

rose’s strained relations with her mother are mirrored in so many of our second-generation lives and makes so much more cultural sense when looked at that way. the weird distance you hold from your parents, where you cant look each other in the eyes anymore, because every interaction feels more like a business transaction. you hand in your good grades and praise from teachers, talking about how mature you are, and they return with some present or gift that you don't really want. you dont know anything about them, and they dont know anything about you, Not the person you Actually Are, anyways. but there is a yearning, to be close, to know eachother, but you only feel it in return when its too late. as well as her Obsession to be mature, to be smart and adult-like because thats what shes praised for, because you Need to be academically the best always and that means reading dictionaries until the sun goes down, repeating each word until they are engraved into your mind. always finding competition, subtle or not, because if you are not the winner, what are you?  dirk’s wild performative love of japanese culture (which also, in turn, lead to non-asian fans literally trashing it like it was a funny joke to call someone’s culture lame and stupid) seems like ‘ironic’ weebism, but its also being Exactly the type of over-the-too performative reclaiming of our culture that so many asian diaspora kids do when they’re teens! they feel bad about pushing away their culture as youth, but they’re not quite mature enough to actually care about the rich history and ‘boring’ parts, so they cling to pop culture, to social media and something so much more easily consumable, like anime. which is not even to mention the idea of him trying desperately to connect to a culture that he has never grown up in, but still belonged to by consuming mass amounts of media, being Such an immigrant story. as well as his massive competitive streak and need to make other people as good as he is (but not better), is the type of internalized pressure that a lot of asian kids feel as well. 

and all the stridlondes have various anxieties about not performing well enough, of not living up to a standard that they have set for themselves, feeling like even a single step back or even one mistake is a catastrophic failure that’s branded to you for life. Which is just as much of a mental health thing as it is like,,, an asian thing

this is getting really long so im cutting myself off here but please if you want to hear more about my Thoughts and Hot Takes feel free to shoot me an ask. 

in conclusion: please treat asian people better hs fandom i literally beg you. like,, im Not tryna make waves but,, asian erasure in fandom is a huge issue and no one ever talks abt it!! dont trivialize, fetishize and erase cultures blease  big thanks to @ernikerr and @wyndryga for encouraging me to go Off and helping to write this.

anyone please feel free to rb but non-asian people please watch your mouth