#the post about it and missing the only opprotunities i have to get service hours

[bjrdonghyuck]

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[inspirationallyinsane]

January 21 2019

Hi Tumblr. It is I. Umm it has been a hot minute since I've written a post on here. A lot has happened, I've been pretty busy. Life got really crazy really quick. So I guess first thing? I left US Bank! Yea. Pretty insane. I don't know how much I wrote about how awful that place was for the last few months I was there but things at the Ashland branch went super downhill. I know I complained about our ABM a little bit and I won't say too much just out of respect I guess? Honestly though he was a disaster. I mean he was rude to his coworkers, especially me (in fact, he blatantly told me he didn't like me, which??? Unprofessional to say the least. And sure, I was put in charge of training him and maybe I was a bit harsh with some things but I never said anything rude I would just perhaps look kinda exasperated when I had to repeat things 10-15 times), he was rude to the customers (going so far as to throw papers at a customer and storm out of the building once), and he never seemed like he wanted to be at work. None of us want to be at work but we put that happy face on and we are engaged with our jobs and we do our best every day. That is what you do. Anway. After the incident with the customer where he threw some shit I couldn't justify staying. I applied for a job at Chase and a week later I was interviewing for the job. Now, I told Erika, of course, about the job and she offered to match whatever they were gonna pay me but. I wasn't leaving because I was unsatisfied with my compensation. Which now I would be because I'm getting paid wayyyyy more at Chase to literally do less work. But I told her, ya know? I'm leaving because this branch is going to fail the next audit. I'm leaving because no one around here cares anymore. Before I officially got the job at Chase, after my second interview, Erika and the ABM had a meeting with all of us and one of the things they went over was dress code. They had to go over dress code because everyone had started wearing jeans to work. Erika said oh well you can't wear denim jeans but you can wear yoga pants or leggings. What??? Since when are yoga pants professional wear for a bank?? It's insane. Like I remember how she dresses for work and it's honestly usually a mess, including the yoga pants/leggings, whatever you want to call them. And at Chase? My manager wears a full suit every day, in Chase colors. And that's what is expected. I have to wear a blazer or a suit jacket every day. That is what is expected of bankers at Chase. Pants must be professional wear pants and skirts must be knee length. Dresses must be Chase brand, or in Chase colors. The dress code is unbelievably strict and I did have to get some new clothes which irritated me a bit but it's so nice working in a place where everyone looks good. I gave my two weeks at US Bank but I really ended up doing one and one day. On my last Monday we couldn't even open the vault. It was so dumb. Ofc we had to stay open even though the ABM complained the whole entire time. We couldn't process any cash deposits whatsoever. We couldn't do ATMs or the night drops. And it's because someone got careless during close and set the time on the vault for too long. But of course that happened. Because we got careless with everything. No one gave two shits anymore, including me. Really though, it's hard to care when the place is going up in flames. We were losing customers every day. It got to the point where I'd do 15 transactions in a whole day. I wasn't able to sell loans or credit cards or even checking accounts simply because we didn't have poeple coming through the doors. Really too, it wasn't just the ABM. Erika checked out and the rest of the staff were mostly new and super part time. Buffee and I were the only full time workers who weren't managers. And honestly? We ran the fucking branch. Mostly me, I think, because she just wouldn't do the extra work. Not that I blame her. I only did it because I really loved my job and I loved US Bank and I wanted the branch to do well. I shouldn't have been training the new employees and I certainly shouldn't have been asked to train the ABM. I shouldn't have been consoling angry customers who ask to speak to a manager. That's the manager's job. It got to the point where I would say I was the ABM because the actual ABM would just say "I don't know" or "I can't handle that". So I had to handle it. I was being paid shit to do his job and he wasn't getting paid much more so I get it. Like I'm making more being a banker at Chase than he is making as a manager at US Bank. I know that too because I told Erika I'm like listen, what they are offering me? You guys don't even offer that pay grade to bankers, let alone UBs. And I can't get paid more than the ABM here, that would be super weird for everyone. It just didn't make sense. Anyway. There are things I miss about US Bank for sure. Like at Chase I can't set up loans, ever, at all. And for things like checking accounts I'm supposed to be like a last resort, only to be used if all the relationship bankers are busy. Yea, I'm a personal banker who really doesn't have to do anything. And that bugs the shit out of me. But! I get incentive points for things the relationship bankers and loan officers do so I still get payouts and my base salary is way higher so. I guess I can't be too dissatisfied. I miss the relationships I had at US Bank too. It really did feel like a work family. And although that came with a lot of conflict, we were all super close and that was nice. I don't think anyone there disliked me, except for the ABM and then Erika got rude after I told her I was leaving, um but anyway, everyone said shit about the other people they didn't like. Regardless of all of that though, we all talked and we talked about our personal lives and we chilled and we laughed and we joked around. I got to know my coworkers well, on a friendly basis. Some of them I got to know extremely well, ya know? I can already tell I won't be having that same experience at Chase. Everyone seems very closed off, distant. Even the people who have been there for years and years together only really talk about work stuff or ask little questions like "how was your weekend?". So. I'll miss my work friends. I'll miss Erika I think. She was really cool. Even though I don't think she was a good manager, she was nice. And after leaving I thought about it a lot because she was really rude to me on my last week. And I thought about my promotion at US Bank or any of my raises; none of it came from her. Angelina, who was the previous ABM and a total superstar, she advocated for me. She is the one who saw potential in me and gave me all of my opprotunities at US Bank. Even when I first applied and came in to ask for an interview like 5 times, it wasn't until I got to talk to Angelina that I was given one. When I asked Erika for an interview, she told me that they "generally" don't hire college students. I was applying for a part time job. I thought that was ridiculous so of course I kept asking and thank god for them I did. Because what an asset I turned out to be?? When it was just me and Buffee and Erika, I was essential to keeping that branch functional. I took on so much responsibility there, I was asked to do so many things, and never once was I acknowledged for it by Erika. When Karen got fired I asked her to promote me to Karen's position and she said no. I asked her for a raise since I was the only banker at the branch now and she said no. It wasn't until Chase was tryna hire me that she offered me a raise. Fucking sad ya know? That she never saw potential or value in me until someone else would. So. Thinking about that was a little irritating. That soured my memory of her for sure. I do wish her and the branch the best though. I still love US Bank with all my heart and I really hope to go back someday. I don't see that as a likely option for me since they pay shit for all of their positions which I now realize; working somewhere with a decent pay scale. US Bank will always be my bank. I don't plan on moving my accounts to Chase or doing any business with Chase (Not to discourage people because Chase actually has excellent products and amazing online/mobile services and this is a completely emotional decision). But um. Yea. I guess my heart just doesn't feel right at Chase. One year. Ya know? That's all I'm doing here. When I got hired I talked to the district manager and he said at the end of my first year I can get trained to be a relationship banker and relationship bankers get a whole bunch of certifications, including a series 6. And really once I have my series 6 I can go a whole lot of places. I mean we'll see. Ummm so with the new job, comes a new home :) Chase hired me to work at the Grants Pass branch so ofc I wanted a place there. Driving one hour there and one hour back every day sounded like hell. And similarly, Trent and I were in a place where he was driving out to see me everyday and I didn't want him to have to make that drive either so!!! We decided to get a place together. Which is super awesome and exciting. We found a nice house pretty quick and I got kinda attached to it. Unfortunately since it was through a property management company and CPM loves to dick me over, we didn't get it. I was devastated but!!! On the same day there was a home posted on craigslist from a private landlord that was perfect for us. Luckily it had been posted like an hour before I got on and so I was the first to respond. We went out to see it the next day and within under a week we were in the house. It was crazy. I was so sure that we weren't going to be able to find a place and I didn't know what to do about the CPM thing but this little miracle house came along at the exact right time. I even got to sleep there after my first day at Chase. Never had to commute to and from Ashland. It still feels a little unreal. We're finally starting to settle in more, getting comfortable in our house. Our house. I love that. It's really great. We have a full ass house. Not even an apartment. I got us a house. That's so cool. I think that's cool. Ya know? I'm 20, living in a great house with my favorite person in the world, killing it professionally and in my personal life. I'm doing well. And I'm in a place where, unless I fuck up big time, rapid growth is inevitable. The district manager of Chase wants to see me in a position where I'd be making 80-160 grand by the beginning of next year. Or even if I leave Chase I'd be extremely competitive in a high paying field. I'm in a good place right now. I have been saying that I want to retire at 35 for about half a year now and I wasn't sure how I was gonna be able to make that happen at US Bank. In fact, I was pretty sure that there was no way I could make that happen at US Bank. But now?? I know I can do it. I want to be making 6 figures by the time I'm 22, at the latest. And that's a very real possibility for me. 22. And in ten to fifteen years?? If I actually go into financial advising or something similar? It'll absolutely be enough. Anyway. Uh so yes, obviously things with Trent are good. One may even say great. We still struggle with a few things but I think we'll adjust. A solid 80% of the time I'm extemely happy. He is perfect, he means the world to me and I'm so happy he's part of my life in a pretty major way now. It's so great having him around all the time. We chill and we play games and we watch funny anime shows and we go grocery shopping and all of the other things. Everything is better when he is around. This is all that I have ever wanted. To be in a great, non-abusive, serious relationship with the person I love with all my heart. To be living with someone who I feel so so much for. What more could I ask for? And of course the house isn't perfect; it is old and the lights have issues and some of the outlets don't work and the heating system is loud and the garage has holes in the roof but??? Compared to the last place I was in?? It's a dream. It has heat!! And it has a dishwasher and it has two full bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen! It has hardwood floors and two bathrooms!! There is actual closet space and storage space and we have a backyard and a frontyard and washer/dryer hookups. It's perfect for me. Similarly? Of course my relationship isn't perfect all of the time. We fight or we'll argue about something really stupid or I'll get upset about one thing or another or he'll be lowkey passive agressive about something and it'll take me ten years to figure out why but it is by far the absolute best relationship I've ever had and I'm so incredibly happy with him. He plays league with me and he makes me laugh all of the time. He's the most beautiful person in the world and when I look at him I am so filled with emotion that sometimes I want to cry. He'll be so sweet sometimes and ya know it's the little things like a random hug or a kiss that makes me know that he cares about me. I feel valued and appreciated and beautiful when I am with him. I get to feel all of those things all of the time now because I am always with him. So. Things are great right now. But. Sometimes I still feel empty and that bugs the shit out of me. Sometimes I still feel an emotion resembling sadness and I'm not sure why. I often feel like I'm not enough like I'm not doing enough or being enough or I feel like I'm a waste of space person. And I can look at things logically and know that everything is so so good but. I just can't feel it. And that's hard for me. That's really hard. And I start to question if things really are good. If I'm actually doing well in my career or whether or not my boyfriend actually cares about me, like he's gonna leave me for sure ya know? Why wouldn't he. I struggle. I still struggle. And now I have to wonder, will I always struggle like this? When is it that I can just be happy? When is it that I won't feel empty anymore. When I can feel like a normal person and I can appreciate myself and my life and I can feel loved? When do I get to live? When will the anxiety and the depression and the awful feelings go away? Wtf am I doing wrong? Why do I still feel something resembling sadness? Why do I still need my sadness poems and why do I still connect to Riz songs? I don't know. Anyway. This was a pretty long post. I should stop. I need to sleep, so I can go to work and slay it out tomorrow, like usual ;) Goodnight Tumblr, I hope all my readers are well :)