#yes i did this very last minute ;)

[imgoom]

HAPPY BYLER WEEK AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SON 💖💜💞

[sammjammin]

babe wake up, ninjago turned 13 today

[disastersareajoy]

The Shower Incident pt.2

pt.1 here

Stu x Billy x FEM!Reader

~ 4k words

Tags: established relationship, smut, groping, dirty talk, oral sex (m and f receiving), kissing, orgasm denial, begging, dacryphilia, talking about you in the third person, degradation, praise, hair pulling, marking (hickies), biting (lots of it), choking (on dick?), spit roasting, rough sex, squirting, creampie, facial, slight aftercare

Dom!Billy, Sub!Reader, Switch!Stu

Finally! It is here! Aaaand it's part of Mutli-May, an event hosted by the amazing @bisexual-horror-fan to celebrate poly relationships which I will do any fucking day of the year. Obviously, I couldn't not use my two favorite idiots for this, so here we are! I hope you enjoy this thouroughly and definitely go check out Bex and her wonderful writing, as well as the other participant's works!

Now, into the filth. Enjoy!!

Billy watches as the two of you slowly make your way to the bedroom with shaky legs, sees how wet your thighs are, and how there's still more dripping out of your glistening pussy. He watches Stu grab your ass, squeezing the flesh beneath his finger in a way that is sure to be a promise of all the teasing that's to come. He truly can't wait to see Stu ruin you with his mouth before they fuck you until you can't remember your own name.

God, he loves the both of you so much.

The walk to the bedroom shouldn't have been as hard as it was, but your legs were still trembling as you tried to find even footing. Next to you, Stu seemed almost as shaky as you. He walked slower than usual which you were sure was meant to drag out the walk even more since Stu always loves watching you struggle to stand upright - let alone walk - when your legs are shaking.

The hand he had on your ass delivered a quick slap before he squeezed the flesh again, making the sting last longer and your yelp turned into a low groan.

“Glorious fucking ass,” he spoke against your temple before he pressed a kiss there. You tilted your head to kiss his cheek and squeezed his hips where you had your arm wrapped around him. There was a certain softness to these in-between moments - Featherlight kisses pressed in unexpected places and leaving goosebumps behind, foreheads leaning against each other, quick “Okay?”'s mumbled between heated kisses. You loved it all. It made you feel precious and loved.

You knew Billy and Stu loved you just as much as you loved them and they told you often enough, but there was something about the two of them showing you in actions or little affectionate gestures how much they loved you, that just drives you crazy.

As you reached the bedroom you felt a sudden burst of energy dissipating the slight exhaustion in your thighs. The thought of Stu's mouth between your legs was already enough to make you want to throw yourself onto the bed, knowing Billy and him were going to fuck you afterwards as well made you want it even more.

Stu walked you through the door and immediately pushed you onto the bed before pulling you down to the edge. He grinned up at you wide and happy while his hands started pushing your thighs open.

With a groan he kneeled down in front of you and looked at your pussy with hunger flickering in his eyes.

Stu leaned in without saying a word and blew cold air against you, chuckling at the whine you let out. He started peppering your thighs with kisses and bites as he brushed his hands up and down the outside of them.

You couldn't help but squirm and move your hips in his direction, trying to get him to your pussy sooner. You knew that wasn't going to work because Stu could be just as teasing and stubborn as Billy - He loves watching you writhe and beg just as much.

Stu's hands immediately shot to your hips and held you down. He started pressing you into the mattress and holding you still while looking up at you with his brows raised and mouth slightly opened.

“Now, what do you think you're doing, angel? You gotta stay still.”

He looked back down at your pussy and licked his lips, making you whine out his name.

“If you want something you're gonna have to use your words. I know you can.” He looked up at you through his lashes with a grin.

“You always beg so pretty, angel.”

You let your head fall back against the bed and groaned in frustration. Stu loves making you so desperate and needy you can't think straight, and it appears that's the mood he's in tonight.

You were hoping he'd go easy on you and devour you immediately like you knew he so badly wanted.

Say what you want about Stu Macher, but the man loves having his face stuck between your thighs. He firmly believes that your legs never look prettier than when they're over his shoulders, and Billy definitely agrees as well.

You tested how hard Stu was holding you down by moving your hips slightly side to side. Or trying to. He had you firmly pressed down and unable to move. The reminder that Stu was able to hold you down like this had you growing wetter between your thighs.

You absolutely love how much your boys were able to control and manhandle you, because it makes submitting to them so much sweeter.

Whether you were submitting immediately and being so needy for their praise or being a brat and wanting them to remind you of your manners - They always made sure to show you that they have you under their thumb in every way.

When Stu's grip on your hips didn't budge you tried to collect your thoughts as much as you could, reigning in that desperate part of you.

“Please, Stu. Please, eat me out.” He hummed as if he was debating whether or not he should grant your wish before speaking, “You do taste divine.”

You whined again and barely controlled the urge to try and shift your hips again. You were aware that too many tries would result in you not getting what you wanted at all. “I need you, Stu,” you moaned out between breaths.

Before you had barely finished saying his name, Stu's mouth connected to your pussy. He dove in and licked you all over a couple of times before focusing on your clit. He knows exactly what drives you crazy and was using it to get you right where he wanted you.

Between Stu's mouth wrapped around your clit, his hands still holding your hips down, although slightly looser now, and the thought of Billy joining you any moment now, you were moaning loudly and letting your legs shake and twitch as much as they needed to.

Your hands found their way down your body, burying themselves in the mess of hair between your legs and pulling when Stu rhythmically sucked your clit harder.

That made him moan, still with your most sensitive part in his mouth which elicited an answering moan from you.

“Well aren't those just the prettiest noises. And what a sight too,” Billy's voice sounded from the door.

When you looked over he was leaning against the door frame still completely naked. You half expected him to have put his boxers on again but we're glad he decided not to torture you.

That way, you could now shamelessly stare at his cock and arch your back into Stu's still-busy mouth.

You watched as Billy's hand stroked over his stomach before slowly wrapping around himself.

He started slowly moving his hand up and down his cock, still staring at Stu's head between your legs.

“You really are a sight,” he said as he walked closer and put his hand on your chest.

Billy started slowly massaging your breast and revelled in the noises you made at his touch. You arched your back up into his hand when Stu slowly and lightly slid his teeth over your clit, making your thighs squeeze closed around his head and a loud, whining moan slipped past your lips.

Judging by Stu's own moan he wasn't particularly complaining.

Billy chuckled, “Oh he's really going after it now, huh.” You nodded your head with a sob as Stu repeated the action and Billy slid his other hand into Stu's hair.

“He’s being a really good boy, isn't he?”

You nodded again but Billy interrupted you. “Use your words,” he said firmly and you struggled to do as you were told.

“Yes,” you groaned out, “he’s being a really good boy, fuck.”

The sheets crumpled between your fingers as you pulled on them to try and keep your sanity intact. You were still worked up from fucking yourself on a toy mere minutes ago and could already feel your climax approaching.

The pressure in your stomach was building before it tightened and you groaned in an effort not to fall over the edge immediately, your stomach tensing over and over again.

“Please,” you whined.

Words were hard for you to get out this close to an orgasm and you were thankful both Billy and Stu understood what you were trying to say.

Though it didn't have the effect you were hoping for.

Stu pulled away from your clit with one final lick and started kissing your thighs. Billy on the other hand got rougher with his treatment of your chest as he started pinching your nipples.

“Good job, dove,” he whispered into your ear and slapped your breast in the same moment Stu decided your thighs were the perfect thing to bite.

The dual stimulation made you sob out a loud moan and twitch in need.

“Only a few to go. Well, maybe. We should probably ask, right?” Billy stared down and nodded at you before looking down between your legs.

“What do you say, Stu? How many more is she going to have to suffer through?”

Stu didn't answer immediately, opting for stealing another quick taste of you now that you had come down from the edge a bit.

But just that one long lick of his tongue slowly parting your folds to slide over your hole and up over your clit made you whimper.

“I’m not sure yet. At least four?” he said with a question and grinned at Billy before diving down again, swirling his tongue between your folds and making it hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides that feeling.

But Billy demanded attention. He knew you had it in you to focus on him when Stu had his face between your legs even if his tongue routinely made you arch your back and moan helplessly into the air.

“Feel like using that mouth for some good, dove?”

You barely started nodding before Billy had his cock resting against your lips. Immediately, your tongue slipped out and licked over the tip of Billy’s cock as you let out a needy moan.

He groaned a moan and shallowly thrust his cock into the feeling.

You wrapped your lips around his head as Stu sucked on your clit and pulled off with a pop, making you moan loudly. Billy in turn groaned again and thrust his cock even further into your mouth.

“Fucking damn, your mouth feels amazing, dove.”

Your eyes fluttered closed at the feeling and taste of Billy on your tongue.

That was one thing you had in common with Stu- a raging oral fixation.

There was something incredibly relaxing about having either of their cocks down your throat, your nose pressing into the skin above their base, feeling the pulsing heat against your tongue.

You loved when one of them grabbed your hair and moved your head up and down their cock, making you take them over and over again.

Their noises were another aspect that made your head spin- both of them always sounded so perfect when you were swallowing them down.

They groaned and praised you to no end, moaning whenever you did something really good and sometimes even whimper.

That was your favorite.

Billy wasn't any different right now, moaning and groaning into the air while staring down at you and pushing his cock softly over your tongue.

You stayed like that for a while, your lips stretched around Billy's cock as Stu worked you up to edge after edge but never let you stumble over it.

All your noises came out muffled against Billy's stomach who had his hand buried in your hair, pulling on it when you moaned enthusiastically or when you rubbed your tongue into him a certain way.

The need to beg for an orgasm was overwhelming and you knew that if you did, they might decide to let you cum sooner, but Billy stayed stuffed into your mouth perfectly, making you unable to speak.

Your legs were shaking around Stu’s head, his arms wrapped firmly around them to pull you close to his face.

He moaned happily at your taste and you could hear obscene sounds from between your thighs as Stu sloppily ate you out.

Billy finally pulled out of your mouth and stared down at you with parted lips, his eyes glowing with lust.

“Look at you, dove. Doing so well.”

The praise paired with Billy's eyes glued to your face made you blush uncontrollably before you whined loudly.

Another orgasm was fast approaching, making you arch your back and gasp while staring into Billy's eyes.

“You might want to stop Stu,” he started and put his hand on your cheek, “She’s going to cum if you don't.”

Stu immediately pulled away from your pussy.

That's when you couldn't control yourself anymore and tears started gathering in your eyes, a couple of them slowly dripping down your face as your hips twitched and bucked up into Stu, trying to get his mouth back where you needed it to no avail.

Weak sobs wracked through you as the frustration really started to set in.

“Aww. Poor thing,” Billy purred and grabbed your cheek. The condescending tone in his voice made your thighs shake and your back arch even more, another round of hot tears rolling down your cheeks.

Billy wiped one away with his thumb and his gaze seemed to soften slightly.

“I know you want it. Don't worry, you will get it soon enough.”

The words helped your mind reconnect and you were suddenly very aware of Stu's hands on your hips and what his mouth was doing.

“Can I fuck her now, Billy? Please? She's so worked up I know she'll feel wonderful wrapped around me,” Stu moaned out between kisses and bites to your thigh.

You knew your inner thighs had to be covered in marks by now and the thought delighted you to no end.

You loved when they marked you.

Every morning after they left some on you, you looked at your bruises and hickies in a mirror and remembered how good your boyfriends made you feel.

You already couldn't wait for these next one's to show up.

Not to mention both Billy and Stu loved seeing you marked as theirs.

“Mm I don't know. Do you want him to fuck you, dove?” Billy stared down at you and you began to nod furiously.

“What did I say about words?”

“Yes please. Please let him fuck me. I need to cum on your cock,” you sobbed out through residual tears, trying to keep your eyes open and glued to Billy.

“There she is. What a good little slut you can be, look at that.”

Billy patted your cheek before sitting up and pushing Stu out from between your legs. He quickly crawled up your body to press a kiss to your lips which is when you noticed that Stu’s face was still covered in your wetness and that his eyes were glowing in obscene satisfaction.

As soon as you parted, Billy tapped your hip, “Hands and knees, c'mon dove.”

You obeyed the command and settled on your hand and knees, already slipped down to your elbows as Stu positioned himself behind you and immediately rubbed his cock-head up and down your folds, parting them with each pass and eliciting a noise that showed off how wet you were for them.

Billy settled in front of you with his legs spread and his hand resting on his stomach while the other grabbed you roughly by your hair and pulled to make you look at him.

“As soon as I stop talking Stu is going to start fucking you as hard and fast as he wants. We both know how he gets after being denied.”

Stu whimpered at the comment and quickly ground his cock against your clit which made you whimper, making Billy pull your hair that little bit harder.

With your full attention on him, he continued, “And he's been such a good boy, so he deserves to have free reign of you pussy.

“You on the other hand are going to keep sucking my cock like you were until you're right on the edge. Only then are you allowed to pull off. Then you can cum. Now get to work, dove.”

As soon as the last word was out of Billy's mouth, Stu pushed into you hard and deep.

Before you had a moment to get used to his size, Stu was already pulling out again and slamming back into you, making you moan loudly against Billy's hip.

You quickly wrapped your lips around Billy's cock and moaned with it on your tongue, moving up and down in a much slower rhythm than Stu was fucking your pussy in.

His hands were firmly on your hips, pulling you into each thrust and making your ass slap against his hips in a loud slap on everytime.

Stu was groaning and making small noises that showed how clearly desperate he was to cum, but he was also as motivated as ever to make you cum before he did.

That was another trait both Billy and Stu shared.

The inexplicable need to make sure you cum at least once before they did. Unless you specifically requested something else, the assumption was always that you cum first.

And they were good at it.

You tried sneaking a hand between your legs to touch your clit but Billy said Stu’s name in a warning tone which made him reach down to grab both your hands and pin them to your lower back.

“Did I forget to say you have to cum on his cock, dove? Because you do. No touching,” Billy said and chuckled when he heard and felt you whine around his cock.

With that new motivation you started moving your hips back into Stu on every thrust.

He was using your pinned hands as leverage to fuck you deeper and harder which was doing wonders for your pussy. Squelching sounds from between your legs made you blush.

The leaking wetness was dripping down your inner thighs and slightly splashing against Stu’s hips. They both loved how wet you got, as well as your penchant for making a mess.

Which was lucky because both of them had a talent at making you explode.

Billy suddenly buried his hand in your hair and pushed your head all the way down to make you take him into your throat. You tried moaning around the intrusion but settled for arching your back obscenely and circling your hips against Stu.

“I think she likes that,” Stu moaned out, sounding strained.

“Of course she does. She's our needy little slut, isn't she?” Billy chuckled, patted your head a couple times and went back to keeping your head pushed down.

You clenched down around Stu's cock inside your pussy, eliciting a groan from him as he redoubled his efforts and fucked into you harder.

The noise of Stu’s cock slamming in and out of your pussy would have made you blush even more if your boyfriends weren't obviously loving hearing it.

Stu rhythmically squeezed your wrists in his hands and moaned about how good you felt, barely coherent.

Billy was steadily praising you and pulling your hair as he pulled you up and down his cock. You kept your throat open to swallow him down and breathed whenever you could, getting into a good rhythm and losing yourself to it.

Your muffled moans became more desperate as the swirling in your stomach started tightening again, your legs shaking and your back arching even lower.

“‘Think she's gon’ cum,” Stu mumbled out as he strained to keep his pace the same and keep fucking into you with the same intensity.

“Mm good. Keep going until you're right there, dove,” Billy pushed your head down again and kept you still.

Your hips twitched weakly, getting more and more erratic the closer you got to your climax.

Stu groaned as you tightened around him before trailing off into a whimper. You realized he was also close, probably had been for minutes just holding back to get you there first.

That thought made you suddenly slip right to the edge of an orgasm, so you tried pulling your head off of Billy's cock.

The man in question kept his hand on the back of your head for a couple more seconds, enjoying the way you were obviously struggling to hold your orgasm back.

Both of them watched the way your hips were moving rhythmically like they were entranced before Billy finally snapped out of it.

As soon as he released you, you pushed your face into his hip and tensed before your pleasure erupted in a screaming moan.

Your orgasm washed over you in waves and made you shake, your back arching as Stu pounded you through your climax.

The splashing between your legs got louder as your pussy pushed out your pleasure against Stu, who groaned loudly and slowed his thrusts until he stilled, pushing into you hard.

He whimpered as you felt him shoot his cum into you, the warmth making you squeeze down more around him which in turn made Stu moan louder, more desperate.

Stu pumped a couple more times into you as Billy started furiously stroking his cock over your face. You whimpered, “Please, Billy.”

That was all he needed to do exactly what you wanted, his release hitting your face as he groaned.

The warm dripping on your cheek and lips made you cum again despite yourself, your moans loud and bordering on a scream once more as Stu started fighting through his own overstimulation and pounded hard into you again.

Your pussy released another weak splash against Stu as you slowly reached the point of too much, your legs twitching and your hips trying to pull out of Stu’s hold.

He released your hands from behind your back and let you come down from your high as he stilled himself inside you again.

All three of you filled the room with the sound of heavy breaths for a minute, enjoying the immediate afterglow of your respective orgasms.

Once you were able to breathe slower, Stu slowly pulled out of your pussy and watched as his cum dripped after him.

You groaned in satisfaction and fell over to your side into the sheets, breathing deeply while your legs were shaking.

Stu laid down next to you and stared at you in awe as Billy stood up and walked into the bathroom. He returned with a warm wet towel and slowly and softly slid it over your thighs, making you whimper and spread them again to give him more space.

“You did fucking amazing, angel,” Stu mumbled before pressing a kiss to your lips that you happily returned. You couldn't help but giggle breathlessly and steal another kiss.

When you reached up to rub your eye you realized that you still had Billy's cum on your face.

You slid your finger through the mess and brought it down to your lips to clean it. A groan sounded from both Stu and Billy at the sight.

“God damn, dove, don't go starting something you definitely can't finish right now,” Billy said lowly and stared up at you with a lustful twinkle in his eye.

Stu hummed in agreement and grabbed the towel out of Billy's hand before wiping your face with it, making you chuckle.

“Thank you, baby,” you whispered when he was done and kissed him again.

Billy crawled up to you and pressed his own lips against yours as soon as you parted from Stu’s.

You loved these moments. All of you having cum so hard a neighbor was sure to leave a note on your door, asking you to quiet down.

The last time that happened the three of you spent an entire day making each other cum, seeing who could make the others scream the loudest.

Stu had won that bet.

Actually, you hoped a neighbor would leave another note. You wanted a repeat of that day.

Billy turned to Stu and slowly kissed him before mumbling, “And you my impatient little darling did well too.”

That made you perk up quickly.

“Impatient?” you asked. “What else did you have planned?”

Billy smirked at you and wrapped his arms around both you and Stu.

“Guess we'll keep that for next time. Let's hope your pretty pussy doesn't immediately make him cum again mm dove?”

You giggled and pressed your face into Billy's chest, already excited for the next time your partners catch you in the act.

And if you end up purposely waiting to touch yourself until right before they get home, then that's nobody's business but yours and theirs.

-----

Please don't repost or reupload this fic anywhere else. It's mine and I'd love to keep it that way.

[thedrotter]

this idea to me in a vision ... ive become a shrimp as a consequence from sitting at my chair but anythign for a yuu drawing🔥🔥

[buttercupshands]

wait a minute

stop.

stop it.

[biggestqiblifan]

Happy Pride.

[heymacy]

💛

[fisheito]

What is this weirdly feelyweely status exclusive to yakumo

[core-cosmos]

Yesterday I got to watch Matt and Freddie’s movie, “we’re all gonna die”, and I am convinced that these chucklefucks are masters of so called “comedies” that will actually make you sob uncontrollably

[unproduciblesmackdown]

truly lmao 2024 lambda literary award finalist wynnstannery

[b4kuch1n]

good luck w the testing and a happy early new year!!

thank you it's already happened when this was sent but we all did get one free point for the listening section bc the audio fucked up and we didn't get to hear the part with the last question's answer. but I will now think this is luck borrowed from the future when this ask was sent

[flowercrowngods]

.

[i-am-a-small-hobbit]

I am sad. I've been growing my hair out for almost a year at this point, and up until recently I had no idea how much curl it has to it. I wish desperately to grow it out veeerrryyyyyy long, but unfortunately I don't think my job will allow that (not my employer, my job is just very dirty in nature and I have had cows shit directly on my head before and I just can't see myself dealing with waistlength hair in the agricultural/dairy industry). So I am sad. I will probably never get to see the full potential my hair has and that makes me sad

[keeps-ache]

ouuu __(xox _| )\_

[gallusrostromegalus]

Move To A Darker Place

This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.

---

Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.

My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God.  He taught himself how to use his smartphone.  Internationally.

So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.

It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity. 

“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”

The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.

a.k.a: A Selfie.

“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.

Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.

“Oh. You should have said so.”  Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.

Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.

“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid.  My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.

Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution:  He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.

But I digress.

After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.

And here is where the real trouble began.

See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose.  While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.

He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada.  He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.

He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.

She looked back at him, and farted.

“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her. 

She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.

So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.

The System thought about it for a few moments.

Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.

“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”

He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.

“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.

Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System.  It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”.  He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.

As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.

“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.

“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.

Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room.  It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds.  Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled. 

“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.

Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.

“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan.  With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.

This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.

“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted.  The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.

Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.

“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.

He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone. 

“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.  

Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape.  She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.

“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.

To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!

“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”

---

I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.

It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times.  Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System.  It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.

“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy!  My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year.  I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”

He handed me the image.

My father was, technically, in the image.  A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair.  Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.

“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”

“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing). 

“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”

Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked  car?” he asked suspiciously.

“The very same.” Dad grinned.

“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”

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