#yes Im talking to myseld

[compassionatereminders]

hello kat! i hope you are doing well 💗 i just wanted to talk about something i have (or haven't 💀) been doing lately and its botherijg me .. well, i do feel really guilty because of the same. i am in my second year of college and i've been really depressed and burnt out since last year. i kind of stopped attending my classes mid february (this year 😭) and havent gone back since. i feel like a horrible student. thats to sau that i do attend our online lectures whenever we have them. i just cant wake up at 4:30 am and travel for 2 hours one way and attend all classes since i have a stomach bug and now im on my period so its 2x stomach cramps for me and i guess im being TOO kind to myseld . it feels like all my prpfessors are mad at me for not being a good syudent (tjey were expressing how irritated they were that no one was responding to them fast enough or at all during our online lectures) but yes i did take it personally 😭 idk i just feel so guilty sometimes that its unbearable but at the same time i cant stop. i keep avoiding going to college. im even scared to travel by train now even though i have already doen it so many times in order to get to college. i know once i start doing ut again, i will get in the groove/the hang of it but alas. idk what will it take for me to get back honestly. this is unacceptable. i need to get back. i am starting to question if i even have an aim in life. a little bit of context: i was thinkinv of taking a gap year since one of my close friends did the same for mental health reasons but i dont think its going to happen becaude my guardians would never approve it. but at the sane time i think .. thats the onlu reason that keeps me going. i keep telling myself i just need to get through this semester somehow, thats all. but efen i know that even though i need therapy and a break so so bad im probably not going to get it because my guardians wont be on board w it and i will have to continue college anyway. im sorry its so long and my english is so bad, but thank you for listening, for your page, and for even letting me vent here. i needed this. 😭💗

Honestly? I don't think it's wrong of you not to be able to get up at 4:30AM to travel 2 hours each way while battling both a period, a stomach bug, burnout AND depression. I think you're being far too hard on yourself here.

[beloved-diary]

My girlfriend is very sweet. An i really do like them but i know im fucking up the relationship my just my fears afrom my last relationship. To be fair i think its expected of me. Personally if course that would happen. Is it fair, no. Is it a realistic thing people who suffered from an abusicr relationship? Yes. ,(its very odd calling it abusive btw. I was aware to an extent. But its weird having someone whose in the system/close to my ex call it that. I really appreciate it. It feels very validating.) Sometimes i feel punished for being wary, which is something they also feel an i get.

Not that i think their my ex, just that this stuff has been pretty fucking ruined for me. Regardless dating her or someone else definitely this would of been an issue. Which is smth i feel like is slightly overlooked. Not that i blame them. I think it's understandable an im just trying to comfort them about it. I made them cry when they talked about it an i wanted to fucking kms. I feel sorry on making my partner cry about such a thing.

Though i do think wanting to hold back financially an doing??? Service?( unsure of the word rn) is not something that is bad to ask. When i said that it got a fairly bad respond an it makes me just feel a bit shitty. An question intentions. An i know shes not using me. But i also dont understand why it had such a bad response. I need to rebuild my savings. I need to not do as much as i did kn the last relationship. At least in the beginning of ours. I really want it to be mutusl. Not because rheir my ex, because im just setting myseld up for disaster if i do.

She told me before to prove im serious about her an not going to break up with her after 3 weeks an mentioned my situation with M as a reason. I'm not gonna cry to much about it. I do plan too. But i feel majorly miss understood about that. I love M an i kniw he does too. But sometimes its just a bit to much hearint how he loves my ex an how my ex is a good person, even when i tapk about it. Its glazed over, veey much ignored. Not that i blame him. Just that i don't think its insane of me to think that. Maybe our circumstances our different. But i dont think i should be punished for holding everyone to a standard of friends an having respect for me an others. Especially about my situation. They have been understanding regardless. But i hate the lack of ??? Understanding an processing sometimes. For most of mt relationship with all kf them my feelings an my struggling has been overlooked. Because well i suppose us first mentallily which i get. But im human an it really hurts regardless. Im your partner, im your friend, im your besfriend. But i feel a nagging feeling that despite them actually loving me I'm just lower on the tier. Their love for him ir suppose loyalty will always come first. Which sucks. But i suppose i really walkeed into that. I unfortunately do not have that built into me as much an i wish i did. An im also jealous that hes able ti have such people in his life. An they saw this. The whole time. My gf says he's abusive, that i was abused. Yet its only something hes doing something about it NOW. It feels like now that they like me romancally they care enough. Which really fuckinh hurts an confuses me. An its been a thing of telling me to be quiet about it. Which i get. But it's a bit insenstivd. Be the bigger person. He's just a kid. I'm hurt, very so. I think theirs consequences an i don't like the sheltering.

An thats not just them. Its everyone. Unsure why the people closes to me are content with this. Is he jusr more likable? Which im sure is D's reasoning too lol. It's nothing new at this point. Do you think I'm actually abused? Or are these words to just appease me? You say thinks but actions don't line up. I really hope things are different. But she's mentioned breaking up an it just feels hopeless.

I'm gonna fuck up .y dream girl with my issuas but. I don't think its a lot to ask for.

[raksh-writes]

Alriiiight, I actually finished all the rewrites I wanted to do on this scene and I gotta say, I'm pretty satisfied with how it came out ^^ Also, the chap reached 9,3k 😂 And there are still some small lil' parts I wanna sneak in the later part, lmao. But now it's only writing that last part! Max 2-2,5k, I hope 😂

So close to finishing up this baby, damn...

[notefrommyjournal]

a day filled with socializing, shaky hands and muscle cramps due nervousness.

- note from my journal #53

[kazuwhora]

taiju flings kc to the other side of the room like she's nothing but a ragdoll. "what do you mean you showered? i fuckin' told you not to," mitchi trails right behind him, a nervous look on his face and stench radiating off his pores. taiju sighs in disbelief and cradles his own face. "look at what you did." fat tears roll down mitchi's face—an obvious bulge in his pants and flushed cheeks adorning his features. kc scoffs in disbelief. "this wouldn't have happened if you were kazutora or sanzu—" taiju grabs kc by the neck like a kitten and places her in mitchi's lap. "don't talk about those nasty fuckers while you're with us, they both reek of rotten eggs." swallowing down her spit, kc's eyes trail over to mitchi's face and his trembling body with an odor that seeps into the air. green and moldy, while kc finds it absolutely disgusting when mitchi presses her face into his armpit, she can't deny her arousal. nausea pricks at her nerves, but she can't do anything with taiju's eyes watching her every move with a hand wrapped around his throbbing shaft. nudging closer into his armpit, kc laps at the bundle of hair and grease—her teeth scrape against dead cells and acid swirls on her tongue. mitchi whines and humps up against kc's legs with desperation. it doesn't take long before taiju groans at the sight before him and cums in thick spurts all over mitchi's face and over his eyelids that are soaked in tears and clouded with lust. mitchi sobs into his hand when kc's teeth nip at his skin and embarrassment washes over him when he spills into his pants with a broken moan and weak thrusts. panting pathetically, mitchi decides to pull the string even further. "kc.. I've actually liked you for a long time, please accept my feelings. i swear i'll dedicate my armpits to you and you only." sobs fills the room when kc breaks into tears with a repeated yes, yes, i love you too, mitchi. the rotten stench never left kc, but it would always be worth it for her.

😁😁sleep well!!

im going to off myseld bwcause of this

[fictionkinfessions]

Im so tired of people justifying how I was treated in s4. Like yes maybe im biased because its against me but ffs. The blatent hypocrisy. How come Basira can come out of the unknowing unharmed and shes ok, but I wake up from a 6 month coma and IM the problem for beinf alive? Basiras girlfriend chose The Hunt. Helen CHOSE to become a monster as part of The Distortion. Melanie WANTED to stay Slaughter. But I? Who desperately wanted to be human and would risk my life for everyone including those who tried to murder me am irredeemable in their eyes.

Its ok to treat me like trash. To talk openly about killing me. To isolate me. To out me without my wishes. To Harass me. Make me think all I am is a monster. I know I wasnt kind. But I tried. And im sorry for occasionally slipping. But I didnt want to die. So im sorry for the Statements (that I needed to survive literally.) I was essentially forced to live on crumbs. I know none of us were in a good spot but how I was treated was awful and the fandom justifies it!

When the fate of our world depends on how I view myseld and you all made me view myseld as an even bigger monster I hope you think about that.

I miss you Martin. I love you so much. I miss you Daisy and Georgie even if you hurt me. And I miss you Melanie and Basira even if I can't really forgive you right now. But I wouldn't ask you to forgive me either.

And Tim? Sasha? You weren't there but I miss you 2 so much.

-A rather hurt Archivist.

[sachirou-senpai]

okay i made myseld sad when i sent that angst so im going to send a fluff,, okay imagine going on dates with sachi after his games you two would go to a restaurant that you guys like and he starts talking about what happened in the game eventhough you saw it but you didnt stop him bcos he looks so happy and all you can do is smile and admire him then you two walk around a park with your hands intertwined and he would bring your hand to his lips and kiss it and tell you he loves you a lot while he hugs you tight while kissing your head and you guys go home and cuddle,, sometimes sachi is the small spoon cause he wants to be babied 🥺🥺 - 🥴

#1,, i'm writing a happy ending to that angst so dw,, i'm not leaving it at that

#2,, that's so fucking cute i- it's true though, he'd probably just talk and talk and not realize he's been rambling till he finally focuses on you and sees your little lovestruck look and he's like 'oh shit how long have i been talking'

god he just loves being around you, he gets such a huge seratonin boost just fucking existing with you... he's so damn cute smh

and yes he'd totally be the little spoon sometimes,, just wants to feel u close 🥺

@hqxreader @kuroos-babie @osamusriceballs @noya-sannnn @sebastianmikaelis @sachrious @ahkaahshi @clowninfortodoroki

[princesspuddle]

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

So last night...

For my University graduation, i went to Elephante Butte and Truth or Consequences...

Well, Tom and Sara got out of control...

Then some Islamic people came over and this bitch girl actually threw a few rocks at me and hit me in the face, for my clothes because i was talking to one of their male,family members and another directed them to,seewhat i was wearing and didnt i deserve as a woman,what they deserved?

So because i jumped up and shoved one of the girls and they all bowling pinned and fell on each other the male,said for them to,go,further away in a walk way..

So they wrre all,gathering stones and throwing them at me and so a child handed me a rock and I threw it ... Like pretty hard and it hit this girl upside her head and she fell and died. And then i hit them all.

I can throw a small object over 500 feet... So it's not like im all gentle...

And so yeah they didn't like that shit all trying to run and hide.., like 25 Islamic girls and like 5 of us American girls and 2 children and 4 Islamic American Men throwing at those girls.... Whom were all adults and some old like,grandma age

So now one of those,guys that had organized these girls was out last night and he didn't like that i was out... With my brother.

So we had words and he kept heading his shit all night. And it was wrong and I was angry.

So most of what i wrote last night was to explain myseld because no one asked how i felt about the burka except one person. And to which he replied to me, "i am an American, now, so i want to be with an American woman, that is why i am here"

Like dude has common sense. Like how is he gonna be all you can't be American when I came here?

So you remember how i said I did things in Iraq and Afghanistan from here? I helped those people to come here under refugee status. From Iraq.

Unfortunately just like Americans some have brains and some don't. Some appreciate what has been done for them and some don't. Some understand America is free and some prefer to be back in Iraq or at least under the rules Iraq allows under the lies of Islamic Qur'an.

Just like Americans find words in the Bible to twist into the way they want to so they can hurt others living the way that they believe they should.

So with Jeremiah, some of the Iraqis made into my life. And so that is the way that is.

Words about the ears is that they were or are ISIS. Well that is fine,but no one is going to throw rocks at me for what i wear. ISIS or not.

That got ruled out in the 1960s and 1970s in America when women began to burn their bras.

So. Iraq, Islam, Middle East, Muslims. Yall are beyind the times of the West.

Now ISIS was created because it was tired of government wars jist fighting and kilking innocent and good people while big fat rats were sitting around stealing the cheese, so they made their own regime and troops to not kill innocent people but to kill people that were bad. Domestic abuse, beating children, (Not rape as their culture is different), murdering children and old grandparents, not following the Qur'an, including stoning women.

But under refugee status, they're not allowed to behave in such a frivolous manner.

Some are American Citizens and do work for the United States military. And other government jobs. Just like any American citizen is allowed to do. They have their own businesses and can work construction or fast food just the same.

Regardless if they were ISIS or Al-Qaeda or Islamic or whatever. Obviously the American Government, under Barack Obama, felt they were safe enough to come here.

The particular sect I assisted to relocate was from a village that was constantly bombed by a (then unknown but now known) private American company.

It was not the US Military as it was disguised to look nor was it any other country.

So a particular boy had his entire family killed one by one and only he was left. Abu.

And so after i killed The Michael Jackson impersonator that had HIV AIDS and was a pervert to children and i caught him touching my daughter and the president pardoned me for life, he asked if there was anything I could ask him for help with and i said, yes. Abu and his family.

And so while I rarely see them, they live here all over New Mexico, blending in with Mexicans with their tan colored skin and their foreign accents. And i see them all the time. Without even knowing.

Rarely i would see an old thin man with a turban, a burgundy one.... Around the corner from my house at a small house that's been torn down.

I would see an old Uncle in restaurant. I saw him last week. Usually he eats alone but a few occasions i saw him part of a group. And the girls that i see all dress American or even slightly Mexican.

So yesterday's post was not to say they were unwelcome in our Country but just to say a few have not changed in 10 years and they are not welcome for their evil ways and last night the man that had arranged my stoning for wearing a sun dress without a bra, was arranged to be removed from our country.

As he cannot treat me/anyone with respect and the attempted stoning was recorded by many people and evidence exists that he has betrayed hos refugee status and his new land of America.

Abu had asked him to quit following me but he continued. Thus he was stalking me. So there were legal reasons for his removal.

So most definitely I don't want people to feel they are not welcome here or cannot practice their religion or live freely here. But their are laws here and in the world that are highly suggested to be followed otherwise a reprimand will be issued

And now Obama is talking shit about going after Abu and I will, of course, have to impolitely whip Obama's ass. Like how he disrespects his wife whom actually made his black ass who he is. I watched the movie, how he met her cause he needed a tutor.

So lets not all be stupid here. Follow your refugee paperwork and follow the rules and regulations and things are not under Obama now. So Some y'all need to get woke because Obama is done. Whether he desires to be or I do, he will be done of this situations and things will be changing.

Cause I'm Done with this shit.

I'm not going to have yo worry about someone running me off the road for my clothes or my mouth when it was Abu whom asked for the freedom of his friends and family to arrive in this country along with him when i asked for him to come with his family.

So, in truth. Y'all would all be dead in Iraq had i not asked.

Don't respect that, I don't give a shit, because that only means i will not have to respect you.

You can pass a citizenship test but that DOESNT mean you're a practicing citizen. It just means you passed a test. Just like being baptized and going to church doesn't get you into Heaven.

Sorry it has to be said

I know many people do enjoy living here. And that is your right.

[prissypickle]

I dont want to make this a sappy post or attention seeking but I just wanna say that the past 5 years of my life has been terrible. Actually its been terrible since I was 10 years old. Always experiencing my mom try to kill her self over and over again. And its been so rough. I was bullied my whole life for being fat. And yes. I am fat. I know I’m over weight and Ive tried to lose weight and its really just in my biology. My dad was 400 lbs my mom was 300 lbs I was born 10 lbs. so I was always fat. I was never happy my whole life. And thats jow it was. From a young age I was put on medication falsely diagnosed with ADHD (which was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder) so I got the medication and I would fall sleep in class. Thens some days I would talk so much. I would have three stickers and then I was only allowed to speak three times a day at school. Which was always unfair. In third grade my teacher said that I was the worst student she ever had. I had injured myseld a lot bu falling and I always was called an attention seeker. I moved that year to Portland. And I started middle school knowing no one. Ill tell you I’m not the most organized person ever. And Im a pretty dumb kid. I remember a few major things that happened in middle school 1) I got detention for being on my period 2) I broke my hand and someone made it worse 3) I read a book about sex and showed everyone. Well what do you expect I was in 6th grade. 7th grade rolls around and me and my friend melanie are in the same class. And I remember the 2 most things of it. 1) we were in science and I had to go pee and I asked the sub if I could use the restroom and he told me “i dont want any potty mouth” and I bursted out laughing. Then the second thing was in home ec there was a sub and she HATED us and we were laughing and she threatened to give is a referral because we were laughing. There were some good things too. Me and my friends made up food porn. Dont even ask because I couldnt explain. For the first time I felt like I had friends. But then something happened at the ens of the year. I was dumb and sent nudes to someone (not at school) and he posted them all online. And then thats when I started cutting. Thats when my depression started. So It got worse and worse over 8th grade year. And I had my first suicide attempt after they started me on an antidepressant. I was hospitalized for it and I was in the psychiatric hospital for 8 days. I went to school and DDHS told me that I couldn’t go to school there They couldnt handle me. So I didn’t go to school my freshman year. Things sucked. I was suicidal cutting and yeah. So I was just depressed completely depressed. I was diagnosed as bipolar disorder in the hospital and put on a ton of meds. I was put on geodon to make my hallucinations stop and it made me gain 75 lbs. so now I weighed 350lbs. So I started my junior year at the alternate highschool. The first year sucked. But I was so so happy my friend started there. But then.... during my junior year. She accused me of rape and drugging her infront of the whole school. It was awful. I had my third suicide attempt then. Not because I was guilty because I felt helpess. I went to the police for help but they said bullying wasnt a crime. I wanted to do a restraining order but the school police said I shouldn’t do it. Senior year came and I finally graduated. Finally. Life started turning around. I mean I was still really depressed. But fast forward a year till now. I was recently put on a new set of medications and they are making me feel great. For the first time in YEARS Im in a great spot. I feel mature. I feel responsible. Im taking my pills every day. Im one week clean from self harm. Im showering and washing my hair often. And I am feeling happy. For once in my life Im feeling happy and Im so proud of myself that Im feeling good. I’m getting a new pet in a few weeks and Im glad its going to be a part of my new happy life.

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.

[soul-strife]

im gonna fucken cry god i feel so anxious and annoying and just

i wanna interact and talk with people but i rly only wanna talk with 2 ppl but it’s timezones are fucky and both of them are busy and tired and i dont wanna be a nuisance and bother and annoy them but i miss talking to them im just

i feel like me rambling on and on over pointless shit is annoying them and like im just bothering them and i hate it even though i know it’s not true and they still love me im just fucking paranoid and scared that they’re gonna leave me and forget about me it’s fucking me up so badly and i wanna talk to them about it but i dont want to make them go away by having to deal with this and keep being so fucking depressing like i literally can’t fucking shut up and it’s so bad so bad

and like, god, i love the ocs of one of my best friends a whole fucking lot and i just wanna talk abt them but 1) i feel fucking bad bc i love their ocs more than mine and idk why it’s making me feel guilty bc them and their bf are my main motivation to work on my ocs when i have inspo and motivation and 2) im?? fucking selfish???? idk im being really fucking weird and stupid but like i just idk idk. like i askedm y pendulum if thei r ocs would hate me if they met me and i go ta  yes and it’s making me feel ba d but i know it’s porbably from me being human and them being mutants and i know it shuldnt fuckemg b other me but it does and i hate myself for itbc it shouldnt matter but it somehow does and im????? bein gso fu cking stupid (god it’s so cold and im fucking shaking and shivering but im too lazy to fix those typos) and im too scared to rly talk about this and ask if it’s weird with that friend bc im scared it’ll make them hate me and i j ust

i cant i cant it’s all really bad thhis has been a really bad past few weeks and i tsucks bc its suddenly hitting me out of nowhere, this huge fucken depression, and idk what’s causing it and i want to cry half the time and i wanna make vent art but i can’t focus long enough and i don’t feel bad enough to cry so im just quietly suffering and i feel so gotdman bad about putting this here on my vent blog even though this is the fucking purpose i feel like im vaguing about them  in a neg way even though it’s not ( at least i thnk it’s not???? i  could be wrong,,,,,,) and i ju st god god i feel so bad and i want to be hugged and i just want everything to feel okay like how it actually is okay and im just so fucken stupid and horribel and fuck fuck

maybe i should just kill myseld and all that and li ke idk idk leave everyone alone bc all i do is seem to fuck up even when i dont mean to and make people hate me eventually and i m just so goddamn useless and horrrible god i fu cking hate myself so much thi sis so stupid why am i like this why i ju st fucjken wish i wasnt like this i want to not be like this but it’s all going so bad again so fast and i fuckin smoked again like it’s??? so fucking bad???? that i actually had to smoke???????? like cutting myself is like the more go to kind but if it’s makn me want to smoke it’s worse so im just??????? fu kcing going to die ig lmao wish i didnt notice i was zoning out while i was walkung the street so that car coulda hit me and kiled me instead of me running to theo ther sideof the road hahaha

[suck-my-poptarts-blog]

This is not at all a hate post. Im just venting. You used me. You used me as a distraction from your own reality, and when reality hit, you booked it. And then came back and acted like it was all okay. You have a way of words, that you know can control me. But im not under that spell anymore. Im not saying youre a bad person, but fuck you hurt me so bad, and you knew it. If youd have known you didnt want anything serious, or that you had too kuch things, you should have never gotten with me. Cuz i was in it for the long run. I cared about you so much. I gave you my all and yes i had my days but everybody has them, u persuaded me to let my walls down and trust you, and it turned out youre the exact reason why i dont trust people, why i dont open up. Why im afraid to have feelings for people, but no, you told me it was going to be okay to open up and do all this, and now i cant get you outta my fucking head and u dont give a shit despite saying you do. I wish u the best. But fuck you hurt me in ways no one has rver before. And i csnt forgive you for that. Im forced to see u everyday, but not for long. Im going back to homeschooling to help desl eith myseld again, and repair what you have torn down. And ot any of her friends following me, cuz ik u are, go ahead and report this back to her, im not back talking her or bullying her, im benting on my own private account with people that dont even know her, u cant even see her face, but she fuckimg hurt me, and she may be your friend, but hell im hurt right now and im letting it out cuz talking to her about it all i got was a half assed apology worth nothing