#yes I might be crying right now
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PLEASE TELL ME I DID NOT JUST WATCH BRUCIE WAYNE TABLE DANCE IN HIS BOXERS IN PENGUINāS CLUB IāM LOSING IT
And Jason my sweet boy, upon seeing how uncomfortable Dick was when everyone looked at him after the āwhoās gonna be the sexy distraction from now on?ā he immediately jumped in and pulled all the attention on himself likeā- š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
#yes I might be crying right now#Jason is so protective but also trying to hide it#he really took one look at Dickās face and was like#Yeah IāLL be the sexy distraction from now on#everyone look at ME#not Dick!#and Tim looking so mortified lmaoooo#Gotham knights#ghost talks#Jason todd#red hood#dick grayson#Nightwing
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at the end of the day it's a relationship that inspired me to create again, to making edits and icons and even writing
it's the relationship that helped me get through some really hard times in my life
its the relationship I met really amazing people through who I now have the joy of calling my friends
#tbd#im crying yes I know but ive been so depressed#my life has been shit the last two months and this was my escape#like I know eventually this wont hurt as much and its just this week#and that ive made friendships that outlast a fandom#but Im still going to be sad#not to mention its like????#people have been harassed and sent death threats and was accused of faking cancer and we went through it together#idk this is rambling im just very very sad#ill find something new again I know but its just a lot right now#anyways I might take a break if you want to share discords if we are friends message me#911 spoilers
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i just keep thinking about harley getting to know the truth about why peter is alone and finding out why people don't remember him and for a moment thinking he's glad he got to meet him after everything went down and immediately feel guilt and shame because its not fair peter went through so much pain and had to leave everyone he knew behind but,,,, just thinking about meeting each other before and getting to know peter and then completely forget him makes his feel sick
#but harley my baby you did#there was another crying teenager at the funeral that knew exactly what you were feeling in that moment#you just don't remember him#i feel like the world could have ended right there and peter wouldn't have notice#theres a blank space since the moment tony died until weeks after the funeral so can u blame him for not remembering harley?#they met in one of the worst days of each other's life#i just can't stop thinking about them realizing they met before and being absolutely devastated on how close they were to losing each other#because yes they met they talked and acknowledge their bond with tony but they were grieving#they talked for a couple of minutes but they didn't keep in contact they didn't become friends just like that#but now they can't possibly think about not being in each other's life#and to think they were close to lose that without even realizing it..#ugh im sad don't pay attention to me#once again i do NOT care about the english language so dont bother i know there might be typos#harley keener#parkner#but platonic parkner works just fine too
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Station 19Ā - 6x08
#station19edit#station 19#maya bishop#danielle savre#station 19 6x08#femslash related stuff#carina x maya#marina#love the lock screen <3#and I keep forgetting to mention it but danielle savre did GREAT work in this ep#the crying sure but the body language for maya too#once she closes the door she actually has to settle in how alone she is#and this time she can't call up pretend anger or need to clean#and against the very advice she'd just agreed to she thinks about how to assuage that loneliness#and I know there are people who wished she'd called#but I'm glad she didn't because for right now it would be something better for her and not necessarily carina#like yes carina knowing she's okay and that she's doing better or at least on the path to it would be great#but that's happened before#carina might jump to forgive and help and things just go back to how they were#or perhaps they start off fine but then carina says something that might be taken by maya as pushy or the wrong thing#and then a super exhausted emotional maya might lash out again#unrelated to all this but loved that sweatshirt and her shoulders in it >_>
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I knew about the post concert depression but no one told me about the post concert constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAHHH that lasts days and makes everything much more bearable and beautiful and some sort of ethereal type of hope is restored into the world, or maybe it's just the "seeing your favourite band after first thinking that it would never happen and later spending many months waiting for it all the while fearing that it wouldn't happen after all because of circumstances outside my control or feeling like it was too beautiful and wonderful to be true so ofc it wouldn't come true" part of it all
#guys i love they might be giants. did you know about this#me days before the show: crying because i will see they might be giants#me days after the show: crying because i saw they might be giants#truth is that i didn't actually full on cry until yesterday evening though so once i was back home so it was all officially over#and it was time to just slow down and realize that oh well wow. so all that just happened. like for realsies#i also finally looked through my videos and my recording of the whole show (yes as an archivist freak who records audio from most concerts#i obviously had to record this one also. now i can listen to it again and again and be remided that i didn't dream it all up after all)#but yeah all this and now i'm supposed to move on and go back to my stupid daily life#like i didn't just have one of those real actual life experiences and moments of pure fun that other people generally get from time to time#and that i haven't had since idk even when a year and a half ago#thats the last time i consider truly amazing on a level somewhat comparable to this. but back to the show and the whole thing.#like this wouldn't have been quite as perfect if i didn't share that time with fellow fans / friends that i ended up attending the show wit#you don't realize how badly you've been wanting to be included in things and for people to be genuinely fond of you and like your company#until you get included and shown that fondness. like wow i'm allowed to have fun too after all. can it happen again someday please. anyway#i'm just glad that in midst of my big bad awful times i could have this truly amazing 10/10 time#and i guess it doesn't have to be the last such time right. even if it's easy to give into the feeling that it is#but ok anyway i'll get to that proper show recap later when i can think clearly again#and maybe more on that more personal side of it all too because well i have many more thoughts obviously#but whether i get to that in 3 days or 3 months is a mystery for now. just kind of a lot to think about once again#and my stupid baka life continues on also whether i like it or not so that has to be taken into consideration as well#time to think again about school that i'm so totally fully failing now with my two weeks long absence yayyy. its fine i'll figure it all out#goosepost
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or alternatively dweeb meets other dweeb more news at 11
LIGHT. LIGHT IN HIS EYES. LOOK AT EM BIG OLE EYES. LOOK AT HIM TOUCH HIS JERSEY.
GLORY BE TO THE MIKKSY SIGNED JERSEY RAAAAAAAAA
CanesWear Signing | 7.1.24
#niko mikkola#florida panthers#the mortifying ordeal of being known#you can tell how bad i was shaking from how much the jersey moves in my hands oh it was so serious for me its not even funny#āyoure my favourite player thats whyā āthank youā girl i would eat concrete for you without any hesitation#ānew jersey?ā me sweating profusely because i have to admit i had this jersey for a while now in front of his face oh god oh FUCK#āwhere do you want it? here or here?ā āanywhere choose where anywhereā āill do this wayā#behold decision paralysis plus the constitution of a doormat with an awful aim to please vs the assuredness of a bull romping through field#āi mean its your jersey at the end of the dayā#he says without thinking because he lacks a brain to mouth filter and immediately wants to slam his head into the nearest hardest object#but its okay it got a little smile out of mikksy so maybe my motor mouth can be used for good#my voice is so hoarse because i stood under for 7 hours and also loudly cheered like never before all throughout those 7 hours yesterday#also a lot of people had tickets for both mikksy and lundy or just lundy so thats why the line was moving slowly#so at one point they went OKAY WHO HAS TICKETS FOR JUST NIKO and i raised my hand like oo oo mee āļø and got rushed to the front#also a lot of the stuff he was signing was nonspecific posters and hats or other players jerseys (that already had other signatures on em)#which is why the attendant was like oh sweet jersey! and mikksy was like new jersey? because there werent many people at all#comparatively his signing was priced the lowest at 39 out of all cats players. the highest currently is benny at 60#does it suck his line was shorter. there was surprise when someone toddles in with a mikksy jersey. and that his signing was priced low?#yes ofc but also i didnt have to stand in the heat for long got ushered in faster and my wallet didnt cry so lets not kid ourselves here#there are silver lining to everything but anyways first hockey jersey and first signature on it acquire call that a man on a mission ššš#long tags i love mikksy i lot you understand right <3#also im never wearing this jersey again so i might as well buy a frame and ANOTHER mikksy jersey#to bad it also has my 30th ani cats patch on it too </3
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My first ever issue of Record Mirror has arrived... and ohhhh it couldn't be more of a perfect specimen... š„¹
(Record Mirror, October 10th, 1964)
#ANIMALS ON THE FRONT COVER ANIMALS ON THE FRONT COVER LOOK AT THOSE AMINALS ON THE FRONT COVER......#anytime i see ANIMALS ON THE FRONT COVER i instantly rocket launch my money to the uk#FRONT AND CENTER. AND THE CAPTION TALKS ABOUT 'I'M CRYING'. AND T H A T PHOTO AGDHDHDYXGBSUSHD#yes of course alan and eric in that photo make me scream. of COURSE.#that's how alan and eric look in my mind always.... the pouty one and the cheeky one....#HILTON IN THAT PHOTO IS ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!#also i can't believe the quality this is in??? legit this might be the best quality i've ever gotten a full-sized music paper in#the edges aren't torn up at all and the photos aren't at all faded and the print quality is top-notch#I COULD STARE AT THEM ON THE FRONT FOR HOURS I CAN'T WAIT TO HANG IT UP!!!!!#the animals#eric burdon#hilton valentine#chas chandler#john steel#alan price#not a second mag#record mirror#60s rock#british invasion#the pictures of hamburg bugs inside were also really cool i hadn't seen them before!!#aLSO BARRY JENKINS WHEN HE WAS STILL APART OF THE NASHVILLE TEENS!!!!!!
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the gaslighting?????? from this f*cker?????? is so insane rn?????? if Min Oh leaves with anything still in place upstairs that will be the one blessing God has deigned to give him. anything else and that man suffers
#tv: moon in the day#moon in the day#pyo ye jin#kim young dae#kdrama#local gay watches MITD.txt#local gay watches k-dramas.txt#God. i don't want to cry but you can see all the fight go out of him when he realizes he's been lied to so many times and then#the moment f*ckass ghost says he'll get other people to kill Young Hwa it returns. and he runs. runs to the elevator to try and get out#to try and warn Joon Oh (even now he still refers to Do Ha as his brother) about what might happen to her. stumbles out#to head straight for the exit and f*ckass ghost comes with the extension cord. he's literally choking him to death and all he can#think about is his brother who he has sworn to protect. this really is the Min Oh torture ep i was right
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*gritting my teeth, covered in blood after spending another half an hour on yet another evil locus problem* babe you make it so hard to love you
#the fact that after all this time i still dont have a tag for hating on math#my only math tag is still and always will be#math my beloved š#but it's on such thin fucking ice right now#top ten things high school me would never believe i said: i like physics more than math now no question#physics fucks with my head and makes me cry sometimes yes but we always have that fire thing going#with math right now. it honestly just feels like lesbian bed death#math doesn't make me cry it just makes me depressed and frustrated these days#liveblogging.pdf#ugh wifey get your crap together#or i might legitimately break up with you for physics
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everything is getting so tiring and i'm falling behind... in getting schoolwork done, in hygiene, in household chores... and the weirdest part is that my mental illnesses arent really getting worse though. Usually all of those coincide with when my depression/anxiety/ocd/ etc get worse. But they arent. they're still like... dormant, like they've been for an uncomfortably long time. I need them back. I need them to come back. I need my mental illnesses to be my whole life again. It's been so long. I need to be me again.
#i need them back and i need them to be deabilitating and all-consuming and life-threatening...#i want to be suicidal again i want to self harm again#i want the overwhelming anxietyćthe pure FEARćto drown me#i need to depersonalize/derealize/etc for hours on end#i need my ocd to get to the point where i'm ashamed and crying and tired and my hands are covered in burns and i can't fall asleep#and i know those don't sound like things a mentally ok person would say#but even if im not legitimately āokā right nowći'm not badćand i'm DEFINITELY not Bad.#and i haven't been for so long...#and yes yes āyou arent defined by your mental illnessā true. but also yes i am.#and no i don't literally Want it but there isn't a word in english to actually fit so want is the closest one.#also i just realized there might be some confusion but no this has nothing to do with my text post on healthcare. different problem.#unityrain.txt#vent in tags#mentally ill
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me to my mom 4 years ago: iām bisexual
my mom today: so you still donāt know if you like boys or girls?
#bruh when my therapist mentioned me not being heard she was not fucking lying#she remembers a complete different conversation than it actually was#and iāll be honest iām crying while iām typing this cause i remember it all so perfectly it took me so long to finally have the courage to#say it and she just. heard whatever she wanted to hear#or part of her chose to remember whatever she wanted to remember#so how much of that acceptance was real?#this hit me so fucking hard and she doesnāt even understand why iām upset#she just doesnāt fucking get it she was like donāt expect me to remember every detail of every conversation i have#well we are talking about me coming out in a household that used to be a little bit homophobic because it was the early 2000s#like it just hurts that she didnāt care enough to remember it#she understood whatever she wanted to cause i NEVER said i had doubts about my identity#or that i didnāt know if i liked boys OR girls#it was always both it was always the big word it was always bisexual#she was the first person i came out to by using that word#i remember the date i remember the situation i remember where we were#and she doesnāt even remember it right#like part of her didnāt want to accept it no matter how supportive she was/is#cause thatās the thing she IS supportive and i should be grateful and i really am but i canāt focus on that. not right now#this is so fucking depressing to me i might be overreacting a little bit yes sure but i donāt care this is how iām feeling rn#fuck man i donāt know what to do with myself rn#effie talks to the moon
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LUFFY PLEAE GEAR SECONDO AND JUMP OVER GARP PLEASE
#coby passed out for being an imprudent ass. helmeppos tears bring him back to life i guess#hancock saving the day again <3 love you girl#are all the marines going to gossip from now on about luffy and hancock being married. i hope so. like my girl is desd serious#the monkeys are bullying little luffy :(#well his grandfather too#little luffy hanging onto his grandpa while falling asleep what if i cry. what if i sob. what if i kill garp rn#i cant do this rn says luffy. me neither my boy#yes luffy yes. hell yeah man you got him.#fuck that old man. fall over and die#well that might have been a show. but as rihanna said. that was quite a show. very entertaining#AAHHHH AAHHH AHHHH FINALLY MADE IT OMG AAAAH HE IS SO HAPPY AAAHHH AAAHA THE DREAD!!!! AAAAH AAAAH AAAAH#SENGOKU FALL OVER AND DIE#SHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT#HE HAS SOME DOUBLE DS????!!!!#THE FUCKING KEEEY#MR 3!!!! GET ON SCENE RIGHT NOW#YEAAAAH!!! YEAAAAH!!!! YRAAAAH!!!!!!#little luffy omg nows not the time šš#oh he did it for mr2..... omg...... last honorable man in there bc buggy sure as hell isnt#oh he suffocated that man lmao#candle wall and ace is free for retailation i know it#FUCK YES YEAAAAAHHHH YAEEEAGDJABSJSHSKS#ACE IN A BLAST OF GLORY!!!!!! KILL THEM ALLL#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 481
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speedrunning the five stages of grief abt sausage losing. poor e. this poll has thrown off my entire writing plan for the week. vote joe hills. send me an ask if you'd like a vfh oneshot as compensation and also to restore my sanity
#hi i have decided to replace the sausage campaigning with vfh campaigning actually#just to help with the crushing grief#and because i love them#do it for e#<- e has apparently decided to return my joy to me by promising to draw vfh tomorrow#listen i actually had writing plans this week#i was going to finish several first chapters of the fics that i have yet to publish#i was going to update That One Vfh Fic (you know the one)#still might do that last one actually#but right now i cry#oh i have to tag this#mythicalsausage#venus flytrap husbands#empiresshipping#do i tag the poll#no#yes#idk#mcytblr sexyman
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yeah I have more to say
#I think priest was right when he said I wanted a lot and itās more than I can have bc Iāve taken more than I can handle#Iāve been trying to say yes to things which is all well and good but Iāve been out every night this week between hockey and friends#this week has lasted six months#and at the same time Tuesday was a few hours ago#and at all times there is so much Iām not doing.#as always itās partially an issue of wasted time bc ive been getting up late and struggling to work in my room#but I also still havenāt recovered from the cold mentally or physically and it put me so behind#which was now two weeks ago god#somehow only two weeks#.but also two fucking weeks thatās so long#and Iām still trying to be gentle w myself but that doesnāt work but i also know Iām being too harsh on myself all the time#I donāt know what to do with any of this#I think temporarily I might stop Doing Things and just have time for me to get myself back together and slow down a bit bc itās way too much#I think Iām just really horribly overwhelmed by everything and itās built up to a breaking point#so this weekend Iām not gonna go out and see anyone Iām gonna stay in or go to the library and finish my work#have a goddamn cup of tea before I go to bed#I need to go to the shop and cook at some point but that can be basics for now because as much as Iād like to do the pie thing#maybe leave it until Iām more together so Iām not worried abt Extra things. I think temporary goal is to minimise the number of things#I really want to cry and just have it out but Iām teetering on the like. wanting to cry feeling instead of pushing over#this is a jump but Iām so tired of prioritising everyone elseās feelings#I realised tonight when Iām playing Iām always holding myself back a little to let other people do shit#and itās not even like Iām holding back bc Iām good. Iām just letting other people do stuff bc I think they deserve it more#and when we had Shit happen I took on talking everyone down and making sure they were all okay#and then that whole weekend after I was completely fucked I couldnāt Do Anything#even with ms main character Iāve been stroking her ego do she doesnāt blow up completely and fuck stuff up for Everyone#maybe. just maybe my feelings are also important and Iām allowed to have shit not be my problem like everyone else#I think Iām going to bed itās 2:40#Iām gonna try prioritise myself just a little tiny bit more#luke.txt
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itās been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didnāt tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isnāt resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brainsā response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.
#bro im gonna cry#fucking got blacklisted from one of the largest rental car companies in this country and it is apparently#impossible to get off the 'do not rent' list#whats making me more upset is that i literally called them the day the windshield cracked i got things sorted out before i even dropped the#car off and still shit is so far out of my control and now i'm stuck with all these repercussions that shouldn't have happened if my#insurance that i pay a hell of a lot of money for wasn't so incompetent#bro apparently even my ROOMMATES can get blacklisted for sharing an address with me#worse yet payment has been sent out but the company is still going 'fuck you pay me killyourself never talk to us again once u pay this'#i can't get ahold of the DRU person in charge of my claim on their end to find out what happens#so it might end up going to collections anyway which will perma fuck up my credit score which i've been trying. so hard. to raise.#being an adult is a fucking nightmare i want to sleep i can't focus for longer than 5 minutes on anything before i start getting that dread#its so frustrating i can't enjoy my hobbies i can't enjoy my work (which is going well right now) bc i'm so stuck on this i need this to go#away so i can regain my brain's normal functioning and yes i have anxiety this is the worst it's been in a while though#anyway sry for the venting i'll be fine it'll be fine my insurance WILL pay for this and things will be fine (probably) once that goes thru#not that it didn't add to my stress enough that my bp probably took another year off my life lbr#personal stuff#delete later i think#DO NOT rent a car without taking the damage waiver it doesn't matter how much it costs or if you have insurance just take the damage waiver#don't be me
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//sorry i haven't been working on replies lately! you see, it's because [mid-sentence i slowly lie down on the floor and start crying really hard. i do not finish my explanation]
#you know this whole thing is one big experimentā right? and you're the little mouse? {ooc}#//feel free not to read the tags b/c i'm gonna scream a bit#//moved in last week and already we may end up with two more people in this apartment#//bc two of my roommate's partners both need a place to stay#//and like with the one we've had some time to talk and prepare#//but with the other it's like oh ok she's moving in this weekend. non-negotiable huh. ok#//i want to scream cry and throw up lmao i am not emotionally prepared for there to be four people here#//especially b/c i don't know either of them suuuuper well just yet#//and rn i'm doing the bulk of the cleaning in the apartment which i don't mind! because i'm happy to help!#//roommate has a lot of other stuff she's worrying about and i understand and want to take the load off#//but i think if i see one more dirty pot i might start crying#//which as we all know is a normal reaction#//(that's sarcasm if that's not clear)#//i know i need to say something and insist on better communication#//because this is not malicious on my roommate's part. i know that. it's just a miscommunication#//anyway yeah i keep mentally coming back to the fact that my room isn't even fully unpacked yet lmao#//bc now we gotta get shit together to make sure everyone has somewhere to sleep n such#//and yes it's bc i haven't asked for help. i am aware. that's on me#//but damn.#//ok this got long jesus-#//if you read this i am giving you a high five but if not i understand lmfao#vent cw#negative cw
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