#years now but even my interest and love for that was a coping mechanism (escapism) and i’m not interested in the science beyond what i can

[jackett-slut]

ok sorry if this sounds fucking insane. i need to write something out.

[frownyalfred]

Arkham Prince - Masterlist of Posts

I've linked the major asks below with a preview (edited for length) below, grouped by subject/theme and rough chronological order of how I received them. Additional shorter asks/clarifying questions, as well as shorter bits of commentary are at the very bottom.

The very first post:

I have been thinking about the idea of Bruce going insane without being Batman, about Batman being his coping mechanism, and that reblog that was like "he would definitely have ended up in Arkham if he didnt make Batman." Now I'm thinking of an AU where that is exactly the case, and maybe Clark expands his interest towards Gotham a bit, as much as he doesnt like heroing there, because it is the neighbor city of Metropolis. It's like his backyard. And maybe he wants to understand the problem of Gotham at the root, so he goes as Clark Kent, reporter, to interview the patients at Arkham, and there meets Bruce Wayne. Maybe falls in love. Maybe its angsty as fuck because this Bruce is 10 times less adjusted than the Bruce we're used to, but of course, equally as brilliant. (Maybe he could escape any time he wanted but thinks he would murder people if so. Maybe he doesnt trust his anger.)

Expanding Asks:

the idea of arkham patient bruce wayne has burrowed into the depths of my mind. this is SUCH a fascinating thought and changes so many things…how does the justice league fare without batman? how does alfred? i’d assume alfred is given bruce’s guardianship when he’s institutionalized, and i could even see him taking in the robins – finding and helping these children who remind him so much of his own boy, trying not to fail them as he failed bruce. how bruce himself does in arkham is so interesting to consider…is he kept on the same level of security as the real supervillains? is he moved there after Events?

Clark, realizing the League has a problem, a trap from someone like Lex they don't know how to unknot, something which requires finesse and strategy which is a little beyond them... taking that stroll (flight) down to Gotham, feeling insane himself for seeking advise here of all places... but the Arkham Prince delivers. Clark explains the situation, answers questions that he had no idea related to the issue, and Bruce hands him the solution in the span of 10 minutes, while the League had been brainstorming and going in circles over this for days...

Clark Kent and the Arkham Prince Finding Common Ground:

clark’s first attempt to interview the prince of arkham go about as well as you might expect, given that he’s a reporter with sunshine all but seeping out of his pores. the first time bruce doesn’t even talk to him, too furious at the gall of this metropolitan newshound to interrogate him for the sake of some gruesome, sensationalist op-ed obviously about the tragedy of the family wayne and the irredeemable mire of gotham to do anything more than death-glare at him for the entire length of the meeting. but clark, unsatisfyingly, doesn’t give up after that. if bruce doesn’t talk to him, he sure talks to bruce, and with each subsequent interview the questions…change. no longer trying to establish facts about bruce’s life or his crimes, not asking about his experience in arkham, not even going for the low-hanging fruit of why’d you train for years to kill those people, but seemingly random and unrelated things. he wants bruce’s opinions on emissions policies (need to be stricter and more tightly enforced, especially in gotham, jesus, there’s a reason lung cancer and asthma rates are through the roof) and lex luthor’s keynote speeches (unprintable, wiped from clark’s tape recorder in case luthor somehow finds out) and whether or not clark should buy a new suit (why bother, it won’t be any less tragic than every other polyester abomination he cruelly forces bruce to look at every time he stops by). clark slowly and stubbornly makes himself as much a part of bruce’s routine as visits with alfred and lucius and the doctors, and all the while superman is playing a high-stakes game of mental chess with the sinking suspicion that bruce wayne has already won in more ways than one bruce figures out kent is superman about three hours after the first time big blue gets namedropped during an interview. he commences with a plan that is part honeypot, part campaign of psychological warfare, and part genuine bid to get this midwestern alien who holds the safety of his city in his hands to try and give a damn like a proper gothamite would, like no one but bruce ever seems to.

Clark, whose one of his grestest fears is being constrained, treated as a threat, dissected, studied, as the alien specimen he is. He has to pretend. He had to be so careful. Every day or he won't have a life to live.

Clark asking the Arkham Prince to Consult for the JL:

i would kill to have clark-as-supes get some kind of special dispensation to bring arkham prince bruce to the jl hideout (the watchtower doesn’t to be without batman’s engineering/logistics knowhow and WE funding, at least not until bruce is more formally considered a consultant) for help on one of lex’s more convoluted and immediate threats. it’s just not possible for bruce to solve the problem in isolation without the league’s resources, so instead of bringing league missions to bruce superman has to bring bruce to the league mission. i started imagining the team’s reaction to their unwitting reliance on criminally insane mass murderer bruce wayne and then i remembered oliver exists and now i feel only sadness thinking about that particular reunion

Just wondering how regular JL universe would react to meeting this au, meeting Batman and seeing Bruce Wayne's potential Would they realize that their Bruce is limited by what he can do inside Arkham, but that this Batman is also limited by his own rules and codes. Would Ollie be crushed at what his former friend could have been, thinking maybe if he had stepped up and been a "better friend" Bruce wouldn't be in Arkham, he could of been working beside him instead. Can imagine Batman saying "I don't kill" and Bruce just smiling in what should have been the brucie smile and replying "but I do"

The crossover is so funny in regards to Supes. Like here's Arkham Prince AU Clark, terribly in love with a version of Bruce who is so unavailable to him on so many levels, aching with it every time he dares think about it, staring at Regular Universe Clark in complete and utter disbelief. (expansion of "regular JL universe" ask above)

Your take on Prince of Arkham's level of influence on JL members, at the top being of course Clark. And also: first time he is taken into the JL base, does he hack into their systems?

OMG arkham bruce and clark have gotten closer and maybe clark makes bruce promise not to kill again after bruce gets out of arkham so he can join the jl but then someone is killed and theres evidence it was bruce but bruce swears it wasnt him ( bc it wasn’t him ) but theres so much evidence that even clark is starting to doubt bruces innocence and the jl has to kick him out and hes taken back to Arkham or for interrogation and then ANGST BRUCE BEING TORTURED FOR CONFESSION BUT HE STILL SWEARS HE DIDNT DO IT until its proven that he didnt do it

@bat-chik's Harvey Dent Visits Bruce in Arkham

"We can't even claim self defense," Harvey continued. "You-" "He has cancer." Harvey blinked at the non-sequitur, "What?" Finally, the orphaned Wayne turned and faced him, face blank, unconcerned about how much more this action would add to his sentencing. Unconcerned except for the steel eyes seething yet holding back so much hurt. Harvey remembered once again, with a small pang, why he had gotten a crush on Bruce in their college days. "Nygma. He has cancer. The only way to get medical care in Arkham is by ending up in the hospital wing." Bruce moved with all the weight of the world on his shoulders and sat in the bolted chair across from his lawyer, and life long friend.

Where are the Batkids in This?

pls consider. a dick greyson who gets tossed in arkham after tracking down and torturing then killing killing his parent's murderer. tiny and lost now that what was driving him is done. a bruce wayne who hasnt been in That long yet, not long enough for people to see him as a threat rather than just an oddity, who takes one look at that angry little kid and says "oh. oh that ones mine" and spends as much time with the kid as he can. and bruce Loves gotham, thats his whole drive. but to dick, gotham is nothing but the place his world crumbled. and i think this bruce never sat with his feelings of grief either. i think he always needed a cause. and i think he saw dick having lost his cause and tries to help him find another (id like to put forth escaping as a hobby, managing to get into Any part of arkham that he pleases especially with his athleticism and small size)

It would be funny if in the Arkham Prince AU, since all the kids are in there for being um - gremlins and down with murder - that Jason in this was the pacifist?

Re: Jason being the pacifist: "I will follow you forever because you killed him." Endlessly devoted Jason my beloved. If you give him one (1) positive attention he will light himself on fire to keep you warm. I love him so much. Self destructive king.

Tim committing a crime just to end up in Arkham and study the famed insane Bruce Wayne is actually startlingly in character for him...

Clarifying Asks:

when do you see him as getting committed? was he already batman? did he already have any of his kids? if not, what *happened* to those kids who never had bruce to fight for them?

Okay, but since Bruce is the Prince of Arkham, whats stopping his kids from being in there with him?

Oh I am sooooooooo curious about what Clark thinks about Arkham Bruce having a gaggle of prison murder children.…you ever think he’s asked Dick to give Clark flowers during one of his escapes????? Or is that too corny for them.

I've seen some Arkham Prince asks and responses referring to Bruce still being rich, but would he still be?

Additional Thoughts:

i am torn between the other Inmates Hating bruce (hes the picture of those who hurt them. a rich man who is just like them but gets Way less pain for it) and adoring him

Picture this, Alfred goes to see Haly's, sees another black haired blue eyed child losing his parents at just about the same age. Another feral child with murder in his eyes.

it’s extremely important to me to consider arkham prince bruce with longer, shaggy hair and a perpetual three-day beard

The smut in the Arkham Prince AU would be INSANE.

This Arkham Prince AU has folks in a choke hold but ya'll forget one thing. The Joker and Harley Quinn.

god i am just exploding thinking about bruce and sex in the arkham prince au. there is absolutely no way he’s not accustomed to exchanging sex for favors, information, anything he wants or needs. (additional thoughts on how Clark fits into this/Superbat)

Okay hi so my main source of Arkham knowledge is the Penguin show so I’m gonna ramble a bit about factions and divides and stuff. (Sofia Falcone expansion)

continuing my thoughts on Sofia Falcone coming off your great opinions to my last ask.

There is a parallel thread between Bruce and Sofia

[lazarusrisingx]

idk bout yall but im an age regressor due to extreme trauma etc yada yada so imma talk abt the LADS boys rq. i also dont interact with other age regressors or talk abt my age regression very often because im embarrassed of it but its a coping mechanism for me and im stressed as shit right now but cant let myself go to that headspace so anyways!!

my asks are open so if y’all wanna request something or just ask questions you can!

completely SFW post, some slight angst but it turns into fluff so dont worry, mentions of some self loathing with caleb and sylus but thats about it

talking about age regression and what the LADS men would be like as caregivers!

zayne

is def a soft but strict caregiver, the cool calm and collected doctor

he doesnt want his little to get hurt and his time with pediatric patients makes him quite a skilled caregiver. he has quite a few rules and some soft rules for his little, and doesnt want them to have a babysitter because he loves being attentive and caring for his little when they regress.

he has heard of age regression as a coping mechanism for trauma, and did some research on it when he did a psychiatric rotation at the hospital, and after hearing more about the community he had some interest in it but its not something he ever actively sought out.

it fulfills a part of him he didnt know he had, it gives him the space to be less serious, and brings out a more playful side in him. but he has strong protective instincts once he reaches caregiver space, and it shows.

he has a hard time not giving in when his little is upset when he says they cant have more sugar, or need to go to bed, or that they need to take their meds. he doesnt like seeing his little upset no matter what, and his heart melts even though he knows that to much candy would make your stomach hurt, or that without your meds and treatment you would be sicker, he knows how scary it can feel when your like this and you need treatment, and he knows how to help soothe you and get you to trust him.

he doesnt do timeouts, maybe less than five minutes but he has so much expeireince with kids that he is able to apply it when your in littlespace, and get you to follow the rules.

he makes sure to discuss everything with you before you are in little space, learns your favorite shows, what might trigger you, every small detail he needs in order to be a good caregiver is talked about in detail beforehand.

your little space soon becomes something he looks forward to every day. a different way for him to relax, a different way to have fun. its his favorite and he loves it dearly.

Caleb

caleb is an energetic, slightly strict, but matches your chaotic energy type of caregiver.

caleb has known you your whole life. while in your teenage years and a bit into your adulthood you didnt quite understand why you would act the way you did, caleb adapted.

he wanted to adapt.

its only when hes gone do you realize you age regress, and his absence makes it harder to do so, and makes it harder for you to escape the things going on. you didnt feel safe enough, even though your mind would teeter on the age of little space you couldnt bring yourself to fall into it. beforehand you simply labeled it as feeling ‘silly’, never stopping to actually think about what was happening, not thinking about the fact that it happened whenever caleb was around and you got triggered by something. not always an upsetting trigger, sometimes just a kids show or being sureounded by your stuffies was enough to tip you into littlespace, a blissful headspace that felt akin to a warm blanket laying over you. where you let yourself rely more on caleb, where you didnt see the awful shit that was going on. it wasnt ignorance, it was a way to cope and heal.

Caleb didnt need you to tell him what you needed. he can recognize the signs that your regressing before you can, and it makes his heart melt in a littlle puddle of love to see it. even when you were teenagers and he was unknowingly babysitting you, he loved every moment of it. you get so playful, a bit mischevious, playing small childish tricks on him, and yes you became a bit more vulnerable to bad people so he became even more fiercely protective of you.

caleb has soft rules. he isnt very strict unless it comes to your safety. want to eat a bag of candy? of course! stay up all night with him? whatever youd like pip-squeak! he can almost never say no to you, unless he feels like it might endanger you. if he tells you no and you pout and cross your arms his heart will do jumping jacks and he will cave within a few minutes. the only time he puts you in timeout is if your throwing a particularly rough tantrum, or you do something that could hurt you. even then, its usually only a little less candy that day, and possibly going to bed a little earlier because he knows how worn out you must get over such big feelings, despite your protest that your never sleepy.

caleb never evereverevereverever uses the Colonel personality with his little. his eyes are always soft and his voice is sweet and gentle. he compromises a lot, and just how littlespace is freeing for you, its freeing for him.

he doesnt have to rough and cruel. he doesnt have to lead with an iron fist. his violent actions during the day are forgotten during these times. hes able to relax, to be protective, and on the days when his actions weigh heavily on him, when his guilt and self-hatred reaches a boiling point, when the pain of his own memories is dragging down his soul, feeling you hug him in your soft pajamas, your favorite stuffy being pressed against his face as your babbling about your day in that cute voice, its like a switch flips in his brain.

even in little space you help him to. if you notice hes looking a little down you always know how to cheer him up.

within the hour he no longer feels that weight in his chest. hes taking care of you, helping you, holding your hand and showing you how to build a pillow fort, as his own worries are swept away from the cuteness overload and sweet feelings that swell in his heart for his Little. just like zayne, your age regression heals a part of him that he didnt know needed healing aswell

Sylus

sylus is the definition of a spoiling caregiver. so sweet itd give you a tootchache. although nervous at first, he is ecstatic to be so close that youd trust him with this.

my man sylus. the cruel, cold leader of Onychinus, master of the N109 zone…

Cannot tell you no.

stickers on his face? absolutely little one. terribly ‘doing his hair’ before meetings with some of the cruelest men on earth? anything for you sweetie, such a cutie. makeup time? his favorite color is red can you show him which color is red sweet-pea?

Sylus absolutely cannot maintain any rules for his beloved little. outside of what might get you hurt, Sylus is a bit like caleb in the sense he cannot say no. except he doesnt even try to tell you no. caleb will put up a little fight, but Sylus? oh hes just a damn teddy bear.

shopping sprees, meetings with your favorite cartoon character voice actors, signed merch from each of them, unlimited stickers, unlimited hide and seek games, unlimited everything.

and its perfect.

his days at work are spent being ruthless, cruel, his heart guarded like a fortress, all for him to be able to come home and let it all leave as soon as he sees you clutching your favorite stuffy and begging him to read to you.

he enjoys story time the most. youll bring one of the many books he has bought for you, disregard whatever he is doing at the time, make him sit so you can curl up in his arms, put your head on his chest and listen to him read you a story.

but how did the cunning man get into this situation?

You brought it up. after a particularly horrible day, you were neck deep in age regression. kieran and luke had gotten a call from you crying so terribly that they responded without notifying sylus first. the mess they came in on wasnt one that was gorey, but one of you throwing a tantrum because the pillow fort you had tried to make wasnt big enough for you and all your stuffies.

hell they didnt even know you had this many plushies. and it was quite confusing to see you sobbing as if the entire world had gone up in smoke. they were just as panicked as you were, frantically trying to figure out the solution to your problem, you were hardly coherent, and it took a few frantic calls for sylus to already be on his way home, only knowing that you were a mess right now, crying so loudly sylus didnt even bother listening to the twins, cut his meeting off immediatley and sped home.

he didnt know what age regression was.

but he is a very quick study and he would never do something he didnt enjoy doing.

sylus is nervous though. the two of you have a lot of conversations about your regression, and he has a lot of questions. but he is nervous. maybe scared might be the right word.

hes scared that cold person he pretends to be is really him sometimes and hes scared you might be able to see it. that youll look at him youll see a monstrous thing, a wolf in sheeps clothing, because sylus sees himself like that sometimes.

it takes him a while to fully relax. its not because he doesnt enjoy this side of you. Gods no Sylus loves it. its the highlight of his day. seeing you smile so much, seeing you so excited your very atoms shake, the way you come to him for help, you come to him for anything and his heart melts. every little thing he wants to do it for you. open every peice of candy, change your shows around for you, get you more juice, every little thing you want and need of him he craves to do for you. all he wants is to take care of you. on his hardest days his solace is coming home to you. taking you to a park without anyone there so you can play on the swing, snuggling up with you and reading a book, letting you jingle out broken melodies on his instruments, humming a lullaby to you so youll sleep, every second of it fills his heart with a great joy he never knew he would be able to get. but part of him cannot fathom that youd place so much trust in him. that youd let him care and nurture the most vulnerable side of yourself.

but eventually, he relaxes. he becomes less of a quiet caregiver who smiles softly and encourages you. he becomes more active, soon enough the two of you are playing hide and seek around the house. hes chasing after you in a game of tag, hes laughing louder, hes less passive in his caregiving.

its also healing for him. a reminder that he is not what everyone says he is. yes he is ruthless but thats not all he is. he is not a cruel dragon, not a ruthless arms dealer, not a gang lord, none of it, not when he is with you. He is Sylus, his hands and words were not meant to only cause pain, but to heal.

he is open to only two other people babysitting you. luke and kieran become big brothers to you. when sylus is away he puts the two of them in charge when you regress. and yes just like real siblings the three of you get up to quite a bit of bullshit together, but nothing dangerous.

at the end of the day Sylus loves caring for you. it takes him some time to catch his footing, but once he finds it, he flourishes. he loves you so deeply, and it shows in every action.

[nanaosaki3940]

Sakamoto Days Manga Chapter 173

Thank god the current JAA chairman isn't Uzuki's biological brother!! Uzuki's just an orphan who grew up with Gaku and the others in that orphanage. 😩 I would've hated that if he was actually related to the chairman...

Them being runaways!!! 😍🥰 Now I see why people ship them so bad!! 💕💕💕

And my thoughts about the Uzuki-Rion ship vs. the Nagumo-Rion ship...

I'm not one to ship characters unless their relationship is made canon by the mangaka. However, I can understand why people ship Uzuki and Rion together. They have a certain charm, and their interactions in the Sakamoto flashback arc were indeed quite shippable.

On the other hand, the idea of Nagumo and Rion as a couple doesn't hold up. Neither Nagumo nor Rion has ever shown romantic interest in the other. Their dynamic is more akin to that of siblings, with their banter and bickering reflecting a deep friendship rather than a romantic connection. The Nagumo-Sakamoto-Rion trio exemplifies true friendship, portraying how best friends interact and support each other. Throughout the series, Nagumo never exhibits romantic feelings when thinking about Rion; his memories of her are purely platonic.

Some might argue that Nagumo's inability to move on from the past and his obsession with uncovering the truth behind Rion's death suggest romantic feelings. However, this is not the case. Nagumo is simply a person who cannot let go of the past until he solves the mysteries that haunt him. Unlike Sakamoto, who tries to forget the past to lessen his pain, Nagumo needs closure. He is determined to uncover what happened to Rion during the year she disappeared with Uzuki, only to be found dead later with Uzuki beside her. The circumstances are undeniably suspicious, and Nagumo's pursuit of the truth is driven by his loyalty and love for Rion as a best friend, not as a romantic interest.

Consider the circumstances: Rion ran off to catch Uzuki, vanished for over a year, and was then found dead with Uzuki alive by her side. It’s impossible to dismiss this as mere coincidence. This is why Nagumo, even while working for the JAA and the Order, continued to investigate behind the scenes. He needs to understand what truly happened that year. For Nagumo, this isn't about romantic love; it’s about caring deeply for his best friend and seeking justice for her.

This distinction highlights the differences between Sakamoto and Nagumo. Both were deeply hurt and affected by Rion's death and Uzuki's probable involvement, but their coping mechanisms diverged. Sakamoto chose to escape from the pain, trying to forget the past by running away from it. However, this approach worked until the recent events pulled him back into the chaos and forced him to confront these memories, turning him into a fugitive and separating him from his family. Nagumo, in contrast, couldn’t move on without knowing the truth. He needs to uncover what happened to Rion, especially given the suspicious circumstances surrounding Uzuki's survival.

In my opinion, Nagumo and Rion do not share a romantic relationship, nor does Yuto Suzuki-sensei portray them as such. Their relationship is rooted in deep friendship and loyalty. However, I understand why people ship Rion with Uzuki, and I'm eager to delve deeper into their backstory.

[yullalightk]

WOTFI IS HERE!!!!!!! WHOOO!!!!!!

I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE! But! I watched it after the livestream countdown, and, BOI! Do I have a lot to say!! and I'll make a part 2 of the WOTFI review cause, I don't think I'll be able to fit everything in one post. And with a lot of school projects on the line. So, I'll work on pt 2! and post it tomorrow!

!Also, spoiler warning!

So... we good? Okay! strap in!!

First off the thumbnail looks AMAZING!!!!! It really got me excited as soon as I woke up at 1 in the morning lmao😂

As soon as I watched it I was actually surprised they decided not to go with the horror route like in the trailer.. But personally, I'm not gonna complain I mean that should've been expected imo.

Also, the poster is soo fricking cool!!!! Like, I can't get enough of this art style and THE WAY IT WAS ANIMATED WAS LIKE A MOVIE INTRO!!!! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!✨

The intro/Puzzles' backstory

So, I'm glad that Mr Puzzles gave us a more clearer explanation to his backstory. Even though it was something a lot of us knew already. None the less it was nice! I'm curious about the mother though, like, what was she like to Puzzles? Was she someone who didn't believe in her son's dreams as well? Or maybe someone who encouraged him to keep trying? Idk honestly, but maybe we'll get that answer in next year's WOTFI!

I also don't think he just sat in his room all day to adulthood, maybe he left his home to chase his dream but failed on multiple occasions. (Kinda like in the series where he tries to kill the crew but fails all the time) or, he watched TV all day as a coping mechanism. Trying to escape the cruelty of the world he lived in.

Also, wdhm when he said "The rest is history" like, we need more. Like how you got godlike powers? maybe that'll be explored more in WOTFI 2025!

Side note: Leggy's face when she dropped little Puzzles was funny for some reason help! IT HAD NO REASON TO BE THIS FUNNY!!😂😂

HE SWORE!!!!! YESS!!!!!!!! I swear he needs to let his anger out more, You gotta give kudos to him for enduring Mario's chaos😂

The casts!

I really LOVED the character designs! I can see how they are freaks now!

My all time favorites are SMG3, Bob, and Karen! They're designs stick out the most in the cast and I do like how they are all under Puzzles' control, like the PV movie!

Wish Saiko had more screen time though, I'm just a little disappointed at that. They could've done something interesting for her. Heck, they even gave the rest of the main cast more screen time than her.

But, maybe we'll see that in the next WOTFI? Hold up- wait a sec, I'm seeing a pattern of sorts... are, the stuff that felt lackluster in the 2024 WOTFI coming back as something better in WOTFI 2025?? That could be a possibility. I might make a theory on that, but hopefully when I'm not busy.

Side note: I swear this episode made me ship Mario and Puzzles so much!!😂😂 I mean- It's just hilarious to me!

Like when he said "Dear Mario" I know he hates him but like the way he says it made it feel like he likes him, or just toying with him!! Marware fans are eatin' good today! And he also complimated Mario on his performances on the fire perfomance!!! I know... he was doing what a judge does, try say something nice to the performers. But! That won't stop me from shipping them! And don't forget! Mario also still wanted to stay despite the hell Mr Puzzles put them through, in the rap Mario still wanted to have some fun in the amusment park! But, also glad he attacks him when Puzzles harms Mario's friend. And can be scared of him sometimes.

Now listen, I know he was trying to get Mario back so he won't ruin his show again but to me it also looks like he wants Mario to pay attention to him! kinda like a yandere😂😂 I'm just letting Marware infect my brain at this point haha.. it's becoming a curse.

Anyway that's part 1 for now. Part 2 will hopefully come out tomorrow as well, and I also have some projects to do so I know I said I will post every Saturday but that may be a little difficult, I'll get part 2 out tomorrow and I really hope that'll be the end of my review of this year's WOTFI!

Thanks for reading! hope ya'll enjoyed my WOTFI 2024 review pt 1.

[insufferable-prettyboy]

I want to talk about @mothercain 's body of work for a moment, specifically in relation to the profound affect it has had on me during the last few years. I don't really know if this is for anyone but myself, tumblr has always been a place I can just sort of throw things out into the void when I have nowhere else to say it, besides what is a tumblr blog but a place for yourself.

TW if you do read it i'm going to talk about uncomfortable and personal things so i guess don't if you don't want that. I suppose this is a review, maybe it's just a way for me to just talk about how important these pieces of art are.

I grew up in rural england, in a controlling home with an abusive christian mother and a very mentally ill atheist father, at Christmas we would go to rural wisconsin to see family. My only escapism was tumblr, porn and substances.

In 2018 my father died of an untreatable illness at the age of 47 and two days after the funeral I went into hospital for mtf gender reconstruction surgery. I was a little late to the party with the the discography and like many I didn't really know about it until Inbred. I have gone back and listened to the earlier works and they have been beautiful and touching, but the thing that makes Inbred, Preacher's Daughter and now Perverts so special to me is how they have shadowed my life as I have dragged myself through and back out of my downward spiral.

Inbred came to me at the worst part of my drug addiction. I had been using substances as a coping mechanism and was at the time still living as a woman. There was something that touched parts of me about the lyrics, the music, but most of all the way it seemed to take influences from everything I hold dear musically. Classic rock, The darker more introspective atmospheric black metal, the hymns i would sing in choir as a child in church. It reminded me of how i felt the first time I heard natural born losers. It made me feel ok to be fucked up and ok to be a mess, it made me feel like i wasn't a monster for wanting nothing more than to get fucked and be fucked up and then when I started to realise that I was in a bad place, it helped me through getting off drugs and moving out of the warehouse i lived in back into a real house. It's anthemic, there are songs that make you want to sing at the top of your lungs in the shower, or dance in the kitchen while you're cooking eggs.

I first listened to Preachers Daughter while riding home from work on my Harley, a bike which was the only thing I had gotten from my father's death, a consolation for mother refusing to let me have dad's bike in favour of it sitting and rotting in her garage. I'd gotten into a habit of listening to music while riding because the commute was boring and it stopped me riding like an idiot to make it more interesting. I had always been a very feminine boy prior to my transition and one of my major reasons for it was that I had always leant to that side of things. Post my surgery I had lost so much of myself that i had begun to dress as masculine as I possibly could in order to counteract the way my body was changing in a way that I hated, I couldn't look even look in the mirror.

When i heard western nights, and the words "He's never looked more beautiful, On his Harley in the parking lot" rattled around the inside of my helmet I pulled over to the side of the road and cried for the remainder of the album because I exactly in that moment realised that I had made a mistake with my transition, that I had listened to everyone else instead of myself and that I had tried so desperatley to push down who i was that it was easier to be a woman than it was to accept being a fem gay man. I have listened to that album regularly through my detransition period and it has been a friend to me as i've worked out how to love myself and push through this awful period of regression to find out who I really am and what my life looks like now. The landscape of the album reminds me of rural america, it reminds me of rural england, it is the essence of long open roads and sleazy dive bars and roadside diners in your own company. It's perfect to drive to, to lie in bed smoking to, to work on your motorcycle to, the tonality and instrumentation is a masterwork in minimalism and I cannot stress enough how hauntingly beautiful I find it.

I listened to Perverts for the first time today, I have been putting it off because I knew it would make me feel something. I knew it would awaken a feeling in me. It has been sat in the corner of my conciousness since it's release like the monster in the back of frame in a horror film. I don't know if I was ready to hear it but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Perverts has come into my life in a time post breaking up with my fiance of multiple years, where I am craving intimacy without love. A time where I have been trying to lift myself up and have been taken advantage of in my vunerable state and pushed back down again. Perverts it's a natural flow forwards in the body of work, it moves back and forth between being horribly uncomfortable to listen to, and being one of the most warm and comforting things I feel as though i've ever heard. There is a familiarity that has run through all of the releases as Ethel Cain, there is a warm sepia toned polaroid photo of a living room with a stained rug that sits in the background of all of these works in my head that feels very comfortable to lie on. The space that was there in the previous releases has on occasion been filled with harshness and repetition of pain, and sometimes allowed to breathe and bring comfort. I know that I will listen to perverts a lot this year, I know that it is a piece of art that will need to be heard multiple times to truly let it sit with you. On my first listen I couldn't even make it the whole way through without pausing it and taking a break, to me that is the hallmark of good art, It should make you feel deeply and loudly and aggressivley.

I don't know why i wrote this. I think more than anything, I felt a compulsion to. I needed to talk about how important and insane I feel having had these records hit me at such massive milestones in my life and be exactly what I needed.

If you haven't listen to these records, take some time, make some space and do it, I feel as though you will find something of yourself in there that maybe needs to be perceived. I guess this was more of a thank you note than anything else.

[ink-and-dagger]

Hey girl! I really love your stories and your writing style! If you don't feel comfortable sharing any more information, feel free to just disregard this message lol. But I saw in one of your latest posts that you shared that you have had trouble with maladaptive daydreaming and was just curious how you were dealing with that currently and if you had any advice on how to deal with it? Again, if you're not comfortable sharing np, just ignore this.

Hey pal, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy <3 I'm not a girl but that's my bad cause it isn't clear on my profile and it's been approx 10 million years since I did an about me post.

This is a tricky one to answer because I actually quite enjoy maladaptive daydreaming and wish I had more time for it lmfao - it's how I plot all my stories. But I also recognise that it can be severely disruptive and distressing for other people who are struggling with it.

It consumed so much of my time when I was young because it was a coping mechanism - it was my escape from a highly volatile and unpredictable home life. My brain could and would pull me into that maladaptive state at any time - even in the middle of conversations. I also have pretty bad ADHD, so whenever I lost focus at school or wherever (normally within 30 seconds of any given class starting) I would simply drift away, even when I was trying my absolute hardest not to. I can't tell you how often I would pep talk myself into actually staying present and focused for once - only to find myself blinking and suddenly it was the end of class. It was incredibly frustrating and disheartening during those times I was actively trying to fight it. Maladaptive daydreaming is basically my default brain setting.

As it stands now-a-days, my living situation is loving, supportive and secure. I have a job in a field that interests me, and also the job itself is quite varied in terms of tasks, which keeps me engaged. I've done a lot of therapy. Also, and this is I think the main contributing factor, I am now Medicated. All of this means that I'm far less likely to retreat into that maladaptive space.

I realise though that I'm very lucky and there are so many young people out there who aren't in a position to change their living situation, who don't have easy access to medication, and who can't afford therapy. I don't know what advice I can offer to those in that situation, because I myself never effectively managed my daydreaming whilst I was in the same boat. It's incredibly hard, and there's a severe lack of resources and understanding out there. However, I do think that there's merit in fidget toys - despite how badly the world wants to add stigma to them. They aren't childish tack for naughty little boys, they do genuinely help keep neurodiverse people stimulated and grounded. So, I would see if keeping something on hand to fidget with helps to keep you present when you need to be.

[brrtchu]

Part 2 - Another Sonic AU

Last time was a demonstration on how I wanted the characters to interact. Now that I have a clearer head, I want to talk about the characters themselves. I don’t got a main character yet, but it might as well be Sonic because who doesn’t represent my AU better than him?

I hand you a piece of paper with text all over it from my classified folders. The letters seem jumbled and insane, but you read ahead anyways. You wonder; this dimension could be interesting…

Pink Sonic; Primarily Sonic The Hedgehog; Goes by Pink star, coral pink, and The Lone Rider.

*Currently 18 years old, first found when he was 12 years old; Some pieces of text can be old or recent based on earlier studies.

*Currently lives in the “Western” Islands

Dynamic/personality:

Pink Sonic is mostly compliant when it comes to working with other team members, but he has a hard time communicating to them and often jumps into action by himself. Due to his speed, he can finish the job quite easily, but it’s strenuous when it comes to bigger battles. So he has to rely on other team members but all the while making sure they’re holding up. He’s concerned for everyone’s safety in the matter, which indicates that he has a bit of trust issues if he can’t focus his own fights. Even if he knows his teammates are able to, it seems he has a hard time understanding that.

For most part, after battles or even on free time, he doesn’t do much. He mostly finds a quiet space to stand there and admire his atmosphere. Really shows that he’s one to be down to earth or likes relaxing. But this constant isolation only makes his friends want to spend more time with him. He also shows a lot of humility.

He wants to always be alone, and is completely honest about it. He is practical, trustworthy, and doesn’t understand humor very well— but if he does, he reciprocates. He can respond well to being friendly with others and doesn’t struggle with making friends. One strange component though, he doesn’t actually consider the people that surround him as “friends”, merely just “acquaintances.” Mostly because he doesn’t want to get attached or feel that they should be attached to him. It’s a weird coping mechanism that may be unhealthy. Meaning that he is self-reliant.

Backstory:

Pink Sonic was found wondering the world in a spiritual realm. Apart from this planet (haven’t figured out the name yet) but he was still present. Like a veil between two worlds. He had met others before him who left to come down to the planet. But there was a twist, he wouldn’t know where he was going, what time period, who he was, what was all before this, and who he’ll become. It was one risk to take. To live. Willingly but fearfully and beautifully made. This was the moment that Pink Sonic was dubbed as the “Pink Star” by a rare chance he had been born on Earth but by unforeseen circumstances of which all of his Royal Family and relatives were killed except for him. And as he grew up, his one and only best friend who he loved— betrayed him for her country. Almost to the point of murder against him, due to his royal bloodline.

Pink Sonic continued to struggle, enduring every cost and chance of living. He still doesn’t know why he wants to live but he managed to escape her clutches barely. Pink Sonic spends most of his life living in the wilderness. He even made a camp for himself, not even knowing that he’s in the Western territory. When he was caught, the Western community welcomed him and ushered him to come stay with them. Wanting to learn who he was and what he did. It took a very long time for Pink Sonic to get used to the people there while being accustomed to their culture and ways. He continued to be homeless but helped the people there for free. Surprisingly, whenever he got his hands onto some dirty work; he looked radiant afterwards and smelled more like cherry blossoms than ever.

Quickly, he was adopted by an extrovert his age named CowBoy Tails. This was when he was introduced to his new “friends”.

Everything was going good for him. That’s what I thought at least…

I’ll add reference sheet at a later date.

[aaliyawrites]

From Perfectionism to Progress: Aaliya's Story of Breaking Free from Procrastination

Hey there, I’m Aaliya, the pen with a story to tell. I’ve been with my human, V, since 2018, and trust me, it’s been quite the journey. I’ve seen her smile, cry, win, lose, fall in love, and sink into some deep pain. Her path’s been full of confusion, heavy expectations, and, well, let’s just say, a lot of procrastination. But through it all, she’s kept going. That takes courage — even if she’d never admit it.

You see, V’s methods aren’t always the best (and yes, sometimes they suck), but her heart is in the right place. This blog? It’s not about her past (at least, not all of it). It’s about where she’s at right now. But hey, a little context never hurt anyone, right?

V’s Battle with Perfectionism: The Journey to Self-Acceptance

Let’s get one thing straight: V is human. Shocking, right? You’re probably rolling your eyes, but it’s important. She forgets that a lot. In her world, her worth is tied up in accomplishments — money, looks, killer communication skills, friendships, or finding her "perfect" crew (think Luffy’s gang, for you anime fans).

She’s convinced that if she doesn’t check all those boxes, she’s just… not enough. She believes that if she doesn’t have it all, people will leave her behind. And if you’re sitting there thinking, "Well, that’s wrong," you’re absolutely right. But does she know that? Sure. Does she feel it, though? Not quite.

Knowing something’s wrong doesn’t mean you can magically stop feeling it.

Meet the Monster of Procrastination

For too long, V has been stuck battling Profecta — the monster born from perfectionism and procrastination. She’s caught in an exhausting loop where her efforts never feel good enough, and there’s always something more she thinks she should have done. This creates a void inside, filled with guilt and shame, which leads to procrastination — a victory for Profecta, her inner perfectionism.

Has she tried to escape this cycle? Absolutely. But she usually lasts 3-7 days before something breaks her rhythm. Overload or distraction stops her, and it takes her another 1-2 months to get back on track.

Love, Loss, and a Whole Lot of Mess

V, like anyone in their twenties, has loved with all she had. Her first love? Miss K. Yep, Miss. But Miss K didn’t return those feelings. She wasn’t interested in girls, in general. Even though V never fully accepted her feelings or confessed, they stayed friends. Miss K was her Safe Place — full of love, acceptance, care, and support But when their paths diverged, V convinced herself that she wasn’t worthy of Miss K’s time and never contacted her again. Also, those emotions connected to Miss K? Way too overwhelming for V to face.

Two years have passed, and V is still holding on. Too much? Welcome to the mess.

Did she try to move on? Of course! But she couldn’t bring herself to delete Miss K’s number. She’d still watch her stories online, and instead of deleting photos, she just hid them in a folder. Silly, right? But facing her feelings was too hard. So, she buried them under distractions.

Escaping into Fiction: A False Safe Place

When battling the Profecta monster became too much, V sought comfort in a form of escape — creating a fictional world where she felt safe and loved. It became her refuge, but soon it turned into an unhealthy coping mechanism. Instead of preparing for her exams during her gap year, she threw herself into fanfiction, reading it for 13-15 hours a day. Not exaggerating.

She isolated herself from the real world, cut off friends, and stopped replying to messages. Why? Because she felt she wasn’t enough. She’d suffered two huge academic setbacks, and even after taking a gap year, she couldn’t get back on track. The weight of her past failures made the present feel unbearable, so she sought refuge in a fictional world, even at the cost of her health, sleep, and academics.

The Turning Point: Letting Go of Miss K and Fiction

V cared deeply for Miss K and didn’t want to hurt her. She didn’t mind if her escape ruined her, as long as Miss K was safe. But one day, V’s thoughts took a darker turn. She imagined hurting Miss K emotionally, just to make her feel the same pain V was feeling. It shocked her.

That was when V knew she had to change. She deleted Miss K’s number, erased the photos, and cut all ties. She even stopped reading fanfiction — something she had tried and failed to do before.

A New Battle: Seeking Comfort in Unhealthy Escapes

Without her fictional escape, V felt lost. So, she turned to another unhealthy coping mechanism. Let’s just say it involved content that didn’t make her feel any better. She started seeking comfort in role-playing communities, hoping to find real love and comfort. But it only messed with her mental health even more.

Journaling: A Ray of Hope for Healing

Despite all the struggles, there’s been one thing that helps V find her way back: Journaling. When she sticks to it, things start to shift. Journaling helps her process the chaos inside her head. It’s not a perfect solution — she’s had bad days that stop her in her tracks — but it’s a start.

This is why V decided to start writing on Aaliyawrites. Because, let’s face it, Aaliya writes ;) .Through this blog, she hopes to create a space where healing becomes possible, even if the path isn’t always straight.

Building a Community: Sharing Stories and Healing Together

Aaliyawrites isn’t just V’s story. It’s for anyone who’s ever felt lost, stuck, or overwhelmed. V wants this space to be a community where people can share their experiences, support each other, and offer advice. Healing doesn’t happen alone, and through this blog, she hopes to help others feel a little less alone on their journey.

Have you ever battled perfectionism? Or found yourself stuck in an exhausting loop of procrastination? If so, V and I (Aaliya, the pen) would love to hear your story.

George Herbert once said, "Good words are worth much, and cost little."

Your words might be the lifeline someone needs.

So, What’s Next?

V is still figuring things out, but she’s trying. Her journey isn’t linear, and there are still battles with Profecta. But every small step she takes matters. And through Aaliyawrites, she’s hoping to keep moving forward — and hopefully help others do the same.

Please, share your story, give advice, or drop a few words of encouragement. Let’s build a space where we can be open, vulnerable, and support one another on this journey of growth and healing.

Final Thoughts: A New Beginning

This post marks the beginning of something new, not just for V, but for all of us. Together, we can create a space where healing and growth are possible, one step at a time.

Signing off, Aaliya the pen (P.S. — Classic Profecta move: this draft was written four days ago!)

[death-in-a-handbasket]

Oc ask! I know nothing whatsoever about yours 😭 PLEASE proceed with an incoherent ramble <3

OKAY OKAY HELL YEAH 💪 you got it boss (also thank you for the ask !!!! I really appreciate it like you wouldn’t believe)

so to break things down a little into stuff that makes more sense, I have about five main stories and a bunch of side stories. All my ocs exist in the same universe they just don’t all come in contact with each other

Here’s the main synopsis for each of the main five:

For Given - an angel falls from heaven and has to cope with living as a human. He must learn how to navigate a new body, social situations, and making bonds. However there is something interesting and suspicious to discover in the lives of those around him and only through learning about them will he figure out why he fell from heaven. (Set in Pennsylvania)

Saint - three human college students get lost in a Bermuda Triangle esque desert and must collaborate with the locals to escape even when things go horribly awry (set in Nevada)

Midnight Rice - an exploration of the lives of 12 college students and how they end up as a friend group despite all being vastly different, much amounts of drama and personal issues surface on the down low (Set in Pennsylvania)

Figments - a group of strange roommates individually encounter members of another equally odd friend group and slowly discover that they all know each other through strange means. Tender domestic moments are in full force as well as odd kinky shit and unconventional expressions of love. (set in a place reminiscent of Georgia)

Green Beans and Barley - slice of life small town shenanigans featuring a young boy and the lemon tree nymph he befriended, she gets to experience this deranged small town drama through his eyes (Set in upstate New York)

I’ve been brewing these stories solidly for like five years now and my oldest oc I’ve had for like 8 years

here’s a sketch of her from a little bit ago

she does track and field and is a pyromaniac with a weapon fascination (she is a good shot with guns so beware LMAO) she has few friends as most are offput by her and she frankly doesn’t like them either (there is a ton of small town gossip surrounding her family)

here’s an oc meme I did for your viewing pleasure 🤲 btw easter egg for those with keen eyes, if you stare long enough at the oc chart, I have a self insert in with my ocs because I’m not above joining in on the shenanigans LMAO

I’ve worldbuilt these stories so extensively (even though half the info I have isn’t needed in canon) that I have 41+ pages of info on the mechanics of it all because I’m nothing if not thorough and I WILL talk about demon denominations shdbfjnfkf

At some point I want to make a copy public to people but we’ll see how to execute that properly since I’m not super tech savvy and I’m extremely private about my personal info

here’s a shitpost I made on spirits that I’ve included in my lore doc as consolation

I fear if I ramble for much longer I might just explain genuinely everything SJSJJSJ so thank you for the ask !! wishing you a good day :3

[trumpetnista]

CMW2/Trumpetnista: Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

Hi, everyone! It's been a long time. I want to let you all know that I'm okay. I know that proof of me still being around has been here since I still do my weekly Wednesday posts and calendar posts. I also updated my Profile after I turned 30 (holy shit, I’m 30! I’ve been on here since 2010!) but I haven't posted like this in a very long time. I still love writing and that my stories haven't been abandoned despite what it looks like. Things in my life have changed significantly, which I’m finally ready to go into detail about for myself and for people who have been wondering what happened to me, if there are even people who were wondering to begin with. I hope so. This is a very long post so I’m gonna put a READ MORE after the lighthearted part so you guys don’t have to read a wall of pretty grim text. TLDR: despite many, many things that have changed in my life, I’ll be returning to writing on FFN, AO3 (when it gets fixed), and posting chapters/fics from there here very soon. I’m making this post to help me keep this promise. I’ll be updating stories, finishing stories, and writing new ones so if you’re interested, please stick around on here, follow me on FFN/AO3 (CMW2), and on Twitter (Trumpetnista) to stay up to date. Thanks for all the years of support and friendship. I love you all. Have a good one!

REASON FOR MY ABSENCE #1: In September 2022, I had a psychotic break and I was hospitalized for a week. At the time, I was drinking heavily and vaping cannabis to the point of addiction and lung damage. The vaping started as pain management for fibromyalgia but quickly snowballed into self medicating. During my time in the hospital, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 which is Bipolar with Mania, which explains so much. It explains a lot of my behavior as a child that I was shamed and punished for. It explains how I approach my relationships with my family and the few friends I have online and IRL. Most of all, it explains my way of approaching fandom. It explains a lot about where my previous energy came from when it came to producing content. 

I was not only genuinely passionate about my fandoms and ships (which I still am!) but looking back on things, a lot of the time, I was in Mania and I didn't have the meds or the professional mental support I needed. I knew that I had depression and anxiety. I knew that I struggled and still struggle with suicide ideation. I knew that fibromyalgia had a negative effect on my mental health and cited that as the reason for my writing slowing down, which I explained in my previous MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR on my FFN profile, which I’ll be updating with this first part of this text post for my friends/readers on there but I didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew something wasn’t right in my head but I wrote it off as what I just listed above and as another effect of the grief I felt from losing one of my baby sisters from brain cancer in 2016. Fortunately, I already had a therapist and a psychiatrist so it was only a matter of finding the correct medications and adjusting my cognitive behavior therapy to deal with my condition.

I used writing as a way to vent about what I was frustrated about in fandom and in real life (which you probably already knew from my patented rambling Author’s Notes, LMAO!) and as escapism, which is good in moderation. I didn’t have any moderation so I stopped altogether. Now that my treatment is going well and I’ve learned to have middle gears instead going from 0 to 100, I want to return to writing. It’s still a coping mechanism for the chaos in my life but it’s no longer a crutch. Plus, I really want to finish/update some of my stories that haven’t been touched for years at this point. I also have new ideas for old fandoms that I’ve returned to, new fandoms, and ideas for impending content. 

REASON #2 FOR MY ABSENCE: I have been in the process of deprogramming myself from being raised in a Cult. From the age of 8 to when the pandemic hit, I was part of the Jehovah's Witnesses. You'd never know it through my writing/tweeting or how I behaved when I was in my later years of schooling/with my fandom friends, which I'll get back to in a minute. 

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that what I was learning and doing was wrong. For every thing that made sense, there were several things that didn’t. Plus, my social anxiety made the preaching work that JWs are known for downright unbearable to do to the point of me stopping except for the bare minimum. I didn't get solid proof that what I believed was wrong until my older sister and almost all of my younger siblings left in 2020. When I asked them why, I found out about the long time corruption in highest parts of the organization. There's greed, fraud, and large scale emotional manipulation through teachings, not from the Bible but teachings that came from propaganda. Typical Cult things. I was very upset but willing to learn more because like I said, deep down, I had a feeling that how I was living was wrong. What was my breaking point, what made me immediately leave without looking back, was finding out just how they feel about the safety of children from predators. 

I watched To Catch a Predator Live when I was a child and ever since, I've had a zero tolerance for people who manipulate and abuse children for their own gratification. I have even less tolerance for those who cover for them instead of turning them in to the proper authorities. Naively, I thought that the sort of behavior that's been exposed in other religions/Cults wasn't a part of the Jehovah's Witnesses but I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. They indoctrinate those inside to forgive those who have done the heinous things because God demands it. For those outside, they just have really good PR in North America to keep their sickening ways mostly under wraps (which is thankfully changing to catch up with other regions) and a lot of those victimized by the Cult are shamed/threatened into silence whether they leave or not. Those who speak out after leaving are dismissed as nothing more than apostates. 

It's not apostasy. It's The Truth, which ironically is what the witnesses call their teachings. People inside aren't rebelling and leaving just to cause trouble. It’s not “an attack on God’s People from Satan’s System of Things”. People are realizing that they've been manipulated and are escaping from a toxic environment, even when it costs them so many relationships, familial and social. 

The only sibling that remains in the Cult is my autistic sister and I’m working on finding a way to get her out without destroying her mental health in the process. She is thoroughly indoctrinated and even in the face of all the evidence, I’m unsure if she’d actually listen. She may dismiss it all as apostasy and cut all of us off or she may become so devastated that her life would be in danger. She’s 24 years old and despite how our parents treat her, she’s not a baby nor is she stupid. She loves to do deep research on the things that interest her and the Cult is part of that. Eventually, she’ll stumble upon the information the rest of us have and she’ll have to make a decision. I’m hoping for the best but I’m prepared to get her through the worst. I’m not just her big sister, I’m her Caregiver and I will do my best to get her through when the time comes.

Another major thing that made me walk away from the JWs was the blatant homophobia. Even when I considered myself one of them, I never understood why they were so hateful and judgemental towards those who are part of The Alphabet. For as much they preached about showing love to all people, I didn't understand why they put such a big asterisk. I didn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense. I hated hearing their views. I didn’t agree with them, even when I displayed ignorance, so I made a point not to behave like that in my interactions with LGBTQ+ individuals. I wanted to be a geuninely good person. I wanted to support my friends and family that trusted me enough to come out to me. I even said when they asked why I wasn’t cutting them off and I quote: “as many things that are wrong with me, I have no business judging anyone else.” 

Plus, I myself am bisexual (and demisexual). I am. I am part of The Alphabet and I will no longer feel ashamed or embarassed about my identity. JWs are homophobic and it’s paired with purity culture so for years and years, I felt confused. I felt unnatural. I felt guilty. I felt like I had to hide who I was. I never want to feel that way again. Learning that the JWs were a Cult and just as corrupt as the other organized religions I wanted nothing to do with was my way out and my way Out. 

I am free and even though it’s been difficult at times, I am so glad that I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not to please people who genuinely don’t give a shit about me. I’m being who I’ve always been online and in fandom from the age of 15. I’m being the person I was at school back in 2007-2011, who was the true me. A lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses kids give themselves the freedom to be themselves at school, which the Cult calls ‘living a double life’.

What’s made things easier for me in my deprogramming journey is that I’m not starting from scratch. I am so grateful for that. I’m grateful that I had people outside of the bubble I was in during junior high-high school to show me reality. I’m grateful that I had people to push me to do normal things like NHS and both sitdown and marching band. I’m grateful that I had people who accepted me for who I really was, even when I occaisonally felt guilty for my behavior. Ironically, the fictional worlds and fandom culture with attached friendships that I’ve been a part of this whole time prepared me for my current reality. 

I still struggle with things like celebrating my birthday but I’m in a much better place than a lot of former JWs. I didn’t have any close friends in the Cult and the people in charge left me alone. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities and I wasn’t held up as an example for people to follow. All I had to do was stop going to meetings and preaching (which was such a relief to let go of) before telling my immediate family, which was the only fear I had. I was afraid of losing them because the doctrine says that you’re supposed to cut off people who leave, even if they’re family. I already went into detail about my siblings and their relationship with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even though one of them is still involved, the bond between us all is stronger than the doctrine. I’m so happy to be able to say that. Not many people who leave can.

Now, let’s talk about my parents who have accepted the fact that most of us are Gone but I want to talk about them anyway because it factors into what’s going on with me. 

Plus, as you’ve picked up by now, this post is both an announcement to friends/followers and the first of likely many journal entries. The majority of the journal entries are gonna be private with READ MOREs and DNIs so you can avoid them because they’re gonna be pretty grim 98% of the time. 

My father has been a staunch believer for decades but recently, his health has taken a turn for the worse. In March 2023, he had complications from undiagnosed congestive heart failure. After being treated, he was transferred to a nursing home that neglected him to the point of him getting bedsores. One of the bedsores became a nasty open wound due to him being diabetic, leading to him needing a colostomy bag to prevent the wound from being infected further. He is currently bedbound and some of the procedures he’s gone through to save his life have gone directly against the JWs doctrines. Blood transfusions are against the doctrine but my mother has given him blood to save his life. Not to mention that very few people who claimed to be his friends have actually visited him in the facilities he’s been in. And those very few people have no idea about the blood transfusions because if they did, it’s likely that they’d heavily condemn him for accepting them. All he has at the end of the day is us.

Ideally, this situation would be a wake up call but my father is a narcissist. He’s never been able to admit when he’s wrong and there’s also the sunken cost fallacy. The JWs got into contact with him and my mother in the 80s and they’ve structured their whole lives around the doctrine. They gave him a family and a Community he lacked due to a bad childhood with a shitty mother in name only, no father, and a delinquent younger brother. They latched onto his vulnerability and gave him purpose. They also provided him with a steady source of people for him to be a narcissist with because for every person he’s alienated, inside and outside the Cult, there have been plenty of people to replace them. Accepting that the Witnesses are corrupt means admitting that he was wrong this whole time. It means that he’d have to accept that he as the Provider failed his wife and children in the worst way. It means that he’d have to be humble and get actual help for his years of trauma plus his narcissism. From what I’ve seen and heard over the years, it’s clear that he would rather die than do that. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

My mother’s situation is different. She is physically disabled and has been for years. She is diabetic and she is morbidly obese, as was my father before his recent illness. She’s been in a codependent relationship with my father for over 40 years and she is also a narcissist. It’s a hell of a combination. She’s basically followed my father’s lead this whole time while eventually alienating people, leaving her circle of friends to those within the Cult. I would have the same resignation for her that I have for my father, except for one major thing. Thanks to Ancestry. com, my older sister found her birth mother who had been looking for her for years. She’s gone from being an only child orphan to having a mother again and she now is the oldest of 5 siblings and counting. None of them have any connection to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and never have. They had normal lives with normal childhoods. Most of all, all of them are showing her unconditional love, which is something that she’s never experienced before. Not from her adoptive parents. Not from my father. Not from anyone. 

My mother has not only been given a family outside the one she created with my father (and we all love her dearly. We really do, even with our ongoing frustrations with her...) but she has been given a way out of the Cult. She’s no longer isolated. Plus, Dad falling ill so quickly has forced her out of the bubble she’s been in since she stopped working back in 1999. She was told to stay home and raise us, which she honestly did not do. While Dad was at work, she shifted the day to day parenting responsibilities of the younger kids to myself and my older sister. Another thing that’s forcing her out of the bubble is all of us enforcing boundaries against her narcissism and learned helplessness. 

We love her dearly but we are tired. Dad getting sick has shaken up all of our worlds. We emphasize with her but it’s come to a point where we can’t take much more, which is where her family comes in. Them being outside of the situation provides perspective that we haven’t been able to have. Through that perspective and the love that all of them are showing her, Mom is slowly (and I do mean slowly...) reaching out for professional help for her years of trauma. She has a therapist now and hopefully, that will lead to a psychiatrist that will give her proper medication because I am 98% sure that she is Bipolar as well. A lot of her behavior mirrors mine from before I was diagnosed and it had to come from somewhere.

In the process of getting professional help, through connecting with her biological family, and while dealing with what’s happened to Dad, I believe that she’s breaking away from the JWs. I honestly think that the only reason she’s stayed as long as she has is because she was following Dad’s lead. She may believe herself but since he’s been hospitalized, she has stopped going to the meetings. She’s stopped preaching and she’s been giving Dad blood, which again is directly against the JW’s doctrine. If she truly believed, she wouldn’t have done it. At least that’s the way I’m looking at things. I hope I’m right.

To wrap this post up and to give a TL:DR, I just want to say that my return to writing is a part of my healing journey. And my return to writing is for Me. I’m truly putting myself first for the first time in my life and part of putting myself first is giving myself permission to fully enjoy the things I love without guilt or hesitation. Thank you for reading. 

[biiedwin8]

Maladaptive Daydreaming: What’s The Root Cause of Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Today, I'll be answering the question: Can you get MDD without a history of trauma? Actually, this is a very interesting question because when you develop an addictive behavior, let's say an addiction to daydreaming, there's always that feeling that this thing is a trauma response, it's because of my childhood trauma, because of my inner child, or all those things of the past.

But while it has a point to it, it doesn't really need to be that way. An addictive behavior is mostly an aspect of trauma because trauma is things we've never processed from the past or negative experiences we went through from the past which we've never overcome.

But now, what happens is there are also outliers; there are people who just have MDD but not really because they were in a traumatic household, maybe because they just use it as a normal coping mechanism. They just started playing around with it because they had something like an overly active imagination. There are some people who actually have more active imaginations as children, so those people may really find that when they are lonely or when they don't have friends, just in normal circumstances, like say they are living away from other people or they're in different towns where there are not many people, they may start building these imaginary friends because they're lonely.

When they build these imaginary friends, it gets to the point where they start enjoying and forming connections with these friends. So when you do that for a very long time, these things become a habit, and when something becomes a habit, it becomes addictive. It's very simple.

So while maladaptive daydreaming is a trauma response, it doesn't have to mean that you had a traumatic past for you to pick it as a coping mechanism or for you to be addicted to it. It can be a lot of things. It can be negative beliefs; it can be just normal life circumstances. That's why with healing, you don't really conclude and say that it's because of your trauma, because you're not loved enough.

No, the best kind of healing is starting where you are, starting where the addiction is. Like this addiction you have now, like why or what is missing in your life for you to escape to this imaginary world? That's, of course, from a therapeutic perspective.

Not really starting with the trauma; that will be a conclusion, and most of the time in terms of your healing journey, if even me myself, I conclude and then tell you that, "Hey, it's because of that," of course, I'd be lying because I don't really know. That's why when it comes to a great therapy session, the place to start is where you are, which is you are addicted to something, and then now you start peeling the layers from there.

Once you peel these layers, you'll peel these layers now and then get to the point where you find the root cause of your addiction. So you don't peel the layers of an onion by starting inside the onion; you peel the layers of the onion by starting outside the onion. And that's what deep healing is all about.

So don't really conclude that it's because of my trauma; it will keep you stuck because you'll always be referring to that. Just look at it for what it is in the present moment. Look at the addiction for what it is and then start investigating slowly by slowly or start peeling that onion slowly by slowly. Hope you found that informative, guys.

So it doesn't have to be trauma, and you don't really have to think about the trauma which caused it for you to heal. No, you just have to start peeling the layers of the onion till you get to the root cause. So the root cause can be a belief, can be loneliness, can be just anything, even it doesn't have to be trauma or a negative experience from the past. It doesn't have to be childhood trauma.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

[tomandpippy]

I know that this year will be interesting 🪷

Nowadays If I don't work, I spend most of my time reading books, writing blogs, listening to podcasts and getting ready for my exam (decided to do my second master in social psychology, that's why I read books I have blogs about☺️)

I am also trying to take care of my mental health by going to therapy (also yoga where I am tortured and my best friend is happy to watch it 3 days a week)

But the biggest challenge is to have healthy coping mechanisms with everything going around, to grieve what I had to grieve, to feel what I need to feel. I don't try to go and find escape in other people, I am asking for help when I need it and I am trying to be in the present even if it's not a sunny place to be.

It's hard not to think about the "what if" scenarios, so I have to remind myself that it is what it is and I have to do my best in this scenario ☺️

To be honest, I am proud of myself cause now mentally I am in a position where I wanted to be one year ago when I started therapy: I can let myself feel (happiness, joy, pain, anger, disappointment, love..), I can see how important it is to love myself ( I will start falling in love with myself soon, I promise), I can understand others feelings and decisions even though it's not what I would do or even though it hurts me, I know that we should let go people from our life and still wish them happiness, I try not to minimize myself or others only because it's easier to deal with things, I try to be in present.

But I would never be here without my friends or therapy, so thanks to everyone who is with me not only during bad days, but in good days too.

I started this journey more than one year ago, it's much better and much more successful than my first one ( journey description: trying to go under the rainbow at the age 7, purpose: to become a boy, result: unsuccessful) and I will continue this journey cause it gives me opportunity to be me (after 25 years my purpose fortunately changed, now I am aware that even though I am a woman I can ride horses, I told you this journey is much better) 😁

Why I am writing it? Well, to tell you that one of my love language is also trying my best to be human being for other humans around me. Why? Well, it's simple- they deserve it 🩷

I wish you to find people for whom you want to be the best version of yourself 🩷

The Moor by Loré Pemberton

[oklcmc]

⠀⠀⠀𝓘 KNOW IT’S BEEN A hot little minute since I’ve updated you guys on what’s been going on offline, but especially as far as my writing goes, so I’ma try to break this down for y’all the simplest way that I know how to.

I know the last time I left off here— Probably sometime in early January— I told y’all that I was waiting out my probation period so that I can switch departments within the hospital that I’m currently employed at, so after seven extremely agonizing months, I can finally and proudly say that I’m switching departments. It’s been confirmed as of last Saturday morning. Switching departments means that I’ll be on a whole new work schedule which gives me even more leeway to write in the evening time (As I’ve been wanting to) being that I’ll be on first shift from here on out, but I, of course, have to get accustomed to waking up early, first and foremost.

I know I owe absolutely no one an explanation for my absence, but I also wanted to address the “thought” post that I posted on here back in late December of ‘22 about separating from writing in order to pursue my other hobbies. That’s not happening. At least not right this second, it isn’t. I’ve been put in a bind for the next five months to a year. Whatever. I’ve already cried and prayed over it multiple times. Bottom line is that I need an escape. Writing’s my escape and coping mechanism when shit gets tough, and always has been, so I’ma do what I need to do in order to survive like the true indecisive writer that I’ve always been.

I know that the last time I spoke about writing a piece on here was back in February when I contracted Covid—19. I mentioned wanting to do a second part to my Lil Meech imagine, but that won’t be happening, like ever, ‘cause I’m not into his gutter butt ass any longer, so run them numbers up on the first part, please. I don’t normally spin the block twice on a particular love interest anyway unless I show extreme interest in that specific piece of writing or unless it’s Kendrick, of course. I refuse to hint at who I’m writing a piece on next, ‘cause I want it to be a surprise and I damn sure don’t want anyone jackin’ my idea. I’m just hoping that I’ll actually have it out in time before the momentum completely dies out on it. All y’all need to know is that I’m in the process of doing my normal extensive research and outlining. I know some motherfuckers think it’s not that deep, but it is to me, and always will be, okay?! Y’all have no idea how excited I am to finally be pressin’ an ink pen to a pad after seven long months. This is gon’ be hot! I just know it! I can feel it in my bones! Anyway, after I publish this upcoming WIP then I’ll finally start on the next chapter of Underground Combat and If You Want Me To Stay then an imagine on Joey Bada$$ or Pharrell will probably follow suit. Not making any promises for those as of now though.

In the meanwhile, I’ma adjust some of these links as I’ve been meaning to. Just until I’m able to find time to revamp this blog, Georgy Porgy’s graphics and create a whole new theme. I know y’all are probably as tired as I am of staring at this current one.

Y’all have a blessed night now! I appreciate y’all for even staying locked in wit’ me throughout my hiatus. That’s genuine love! I love y’all!

[a-student-out-of-time]

// thoughts on Despair Time? how far are you into it now?

//Funny you mention that, I just finished Chapter 1 and now I’m anxiously awaiting Chapter 2

I’ll put my thoughts below (spoilers, obviously)

I can now understand why this fangan has a bit of a controversial reputation. I went into it wondering why, and now I see: Teruko is a VERY different kind of protagonist, and I can understand people not liking her or thinking she went too far.

While I get that, at the same time, I completely understand her anger at feeling betrayed by everyone, especially Xander and Min. I mean, everyone was quick to blame her for killing Xander and she had to be the one to defend herself and prove her own innocence.

I do think that she went too far in deciding that Xander and Min both deserved to die because they betrayed her. That’s not talking from a place of anything like justice, that’s straight-up cruel. But I can’t say she’s wrong to feel that way. Xander literally tried to kill her, after all.

And yet I can’t blame either Xander or Min for what happened. I don’t doubt that their feelings of friendship toward Teruko were genuine, since both of them genuinely seemed afraid and ashamed of what happened. Likewise, Xander was literally put up to it by a note that we still have zero context for and Min acted in a moment of survival instinct and accidentally killed him.

And what does Teruko do? Brush all that aside and say that they only had the worst of intentions for her. That they were planning to do something like this from the start and they only cared about escaping, and were willing to sacrifice her to do it. And she admits she’s not going to trust anyone because she doesn’t want to get hurt...right after a horrifyingly brutal execution of someone who killed by accident. That’s just flat-out self-centered and petty.

But I’m not saying this as a negative. Far from it, this is a bold choice and I’m very interested to see where this goes.

I think of DRDT as a DR game told from the perspective of the rival character, the kind of person who decides that trust and friendship aren’t worth it. Teruko is very clearly a kind person who’s buried her best qualities under a mountain of trust issues, resignation to fate, and clearly a ton of self-loathing. She says to herself that she wanted Min to hate her, because she can’t save her. And yet Teruko didn’t do anything to really shove her away, because I don’t think she wanted her to go. And she was going to say something before her execution, but never got the chance.

It reminds me a lot of Jataro, whose coping mechanism with a mother who hated him to the point of wishing he was dead was to tell himself that being hated is better than being loved.

Ultimately, I think this is an excellent source of potential character development for Teruko. Because try as she might to say she won’t trust anyone, not only do I think she’s incapable of that, she really doesn’t have a choice. In a killing game, your life is intertwined with those of everyone else; the blackened only needs to win once and then everyone dies. You’re going to need to afford everyone else even a little trust to guarantee your own survival.

I look forward to seeing what new revelations and developments Chapter 2 will bring us next year ^^

...Dunno if I can wait that long ^^;

[emerald-chaos]

Insomnia

*gif not made by me, credit goes to the owner*

Hi Everyone! So it's been probably like...10 years since I wrote my last fic lol. Watching TFATWS has rekindled my undying love for Bucky Barnes and I just couldn't help but start writing again. I had to get my feelings out! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've been considering writing some more parts...so tell me if that's something you'd be interested in! I appreciate any and all constructive feedback or just feedback in general! Much love.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2533 (lowkey popped off...oops)

Warnings: Just in case...vague allusions to a dark past, struggles with mental illness, explicit language, and some suggestive conversation. Oh and some really bad jokes lol. Fluffy and angsty.

No matter how much you tossed and turned, how many sheep you counted, or how much you prayed and pleaded to any higher power that would listen – the release of sleep just wasn’t going to happen. You’re not sure why you were surprised, it’s not like this was the first time. You let out a heavy sigh and toss off the covers. This has been a nightly occurrence for as long as you can remember. When you were trying to rest, when there was no noise to block out the images in your head, it was a battle. A battle which you have always lost.

You flip on the bright florescent lights of the bathroom as you trudge in, dragging your feet in exhaustion. It takes a minute for your eyes to adjust to the harshness of the light as you place your hands onto the countertop. The cool marble feels good against your palms as you close your eyes and lean your head back, another sigh leaving your lips. You twist your neck from side to side, trying to release some tension and maybe get a satisfying pop. No such luck. As you open your eyes and gaze upon the person staring back at you a small laugh tumbles from your chest.

Jesus, she looks awful.

The dark circles that permanently reside below your eyes appear more pronounced than usual. The corners of your mouth hang low and you just look…tired. Like you were rode hard and put away wet.

The bottle of melatonin tucked away on your counter catches your eye. You pick it up and twirl it as you inspect the writing. “Sleep Support” you read, “may help promote restful sleep”. What a load of shit. You place the bottle back down and inspect the orange one next to it. The pills inside were about as useful as the melatonin. Nothing seemed to quiet the voices or stop the scenarios that plagued your mind. You splash some cold water on your face and grab for a towel to pat it dry. Your eyes drift to the mirror again, as if though the water was going to wash away the dead look in your eyes.

Yeah, fat chance.

Before you know it, your legs are carrying you through the compound. The only sounds present are the whirring of various appliances and the soft patter of your feet against the tile floors. The moonlight casts shadows over the various pieces of furniture and lights your path. Your fingers curl around the handle as you pull the sliding glass door open. The crisp outside air kisses your skin as you step out and close the door behind you. You find yourself settling down in your usual spot on the balcony and you sink into the comfort of the chair.

Many a sleepless night has been spent out here, admiring the way the moonlight gleams off of a nearby pond. Before the compound and the balcony, it was a fire escape and a bottle of bourbon. You kind of missed that coping mechanism a little bit. You were thankful, of course, to call this place your home. Thankful to feel safe for once. Thankful to be a part of a team that felt like more of a family than any sorry piece of shit who had been in your life before. Not that you were bitter about that or anything. A little baggage builds character. However, life hasn’t always been kind to you and your stupid brain had a cruel way of constantly reminding you of that fact.

In all honesty, Tony rescued you. You absolutely hated to allow him to relish in that fact, but it was true. He took a chance on a royally fucked up kid out of college who managed to skate by and earn a mechanical engineering degree. If you were to ask him, he would say it was because the first words you said to him were fuck off. Apparently, something about that translated to, “hey, I would be a great addition to your tech and development team”. Although, you were pretty sure you just really meant that he should fuck off. I mean, the guy’s reputation does have a bit of moral gray area to it. Somehow, some way, your tenacity made an impression on the billionaire. Now here you were - living at the Avenger’s compound, sitting on a balcony at 3:30 in the morning because you couldn’t turn your brain off long enough to find some peace and sleep. What a life.

Even as you were sitting here in your special spot, reminiscing about some actual good memories – your brain still tried to drift into the darkness. Glass breaking; voices, thick with hate, engaged in a screaming match, and the cold nights spent trying to find a safe space to eat and lay your head. Your fingers gripped into the arms of the chair as you felt the heaviness in your chest increase.

“God damn it,” you cursed through gritted teeth.

The panic attacks were a second nature at this point, but you still really hated when you lost control. Your eyes closed tight as you tried to rack your brain to remember the bullshit your therapist had told you earlier in the week. Something about 5 things you can see?

“We gotta stop meeting like this, Doll”

The voice ripped you from inside your mind and back to reality. Your eyes opened and were met with a beautiful pair of cerulean ones. You blamed the skip in your heartbeat on your fading panic attack - although, you knew better than that.

“Well, it seems to me that the only logical conclusion is that you’re stalking me, Barnes” you quipped as a grin spread across your face.

“Could say the same about you,” Bucky retorted as he sank into the chair beside you, “besides, been doin’ this a lot longer than you’ve been around”.

You rolled your eyes, but the super soldier had a point. Almost each and every time, aside from the ones that happened when the team was away, you two would meet like this – here on the balcony, both searching for something to replace the sleep that neither of you could find.

“Yeah, we get it, you’re old” a laugh fell from your lips as Bucky snorted at your remark, a grin remaining ever present on his lips.

The familiar silence took over as he leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. Meanwhile, yours were hungrily taking him in - tracing over the stubble on his chin, the soft pinkness of his parted lips. Recently he’d gotten his hair cut and even though you much preferred the long hair, you would rather die than actually admit that to him. Your crush on the 106 year old grumpy ass was one of your best kept secrets. At least, you thought you’d kept it from being painfully obvious.

The man sitting before you, he had a tough exterior and a horrific history, but you knew him better than that. You knew about the way his nose scrunched up when you made him laugh and the way his eyes looked as he listened intently to every story you ever told him. You knew the sweet melody of his laugh and the far off stare that meant he was also held captive by his own thoughts. This late-night rendezvous had become somewhat of a routine for the two of you and you would be lying if you said it wasn’t your favorite part of the day.

The first time it was a short nod and typical white person, thin-lipped smile as you left to find a different spot to suffer alone. Shortly after, it developed into cohabiting the balcony – staying on your own separate sides of course, only occasionally sharing words. Then, before you knew it, the two of you would be sitting beside each other, shooting the shit like you’d known each other for years. Just two, incredibly fucked up individuals, trying to make each other feel a little more human.

Bucky had always given off the quiet, brooding energy. Typically he kept to himself, other than with close friends like Steve, choosing to stand in the corner and listen to the conversation rather than be a part of it. Occasionally he would give a quip during a meeting that would catch people off guard, but mostly he just sat there and stared. The Bucky you had come to know was nothing like the person that others wanted to make him out to be. Sure, at one point he was a masterful assassin who killed like he got pleasure from it – but that wasn’t him. The Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes were not synonymous.

If only the world could meet Bucky at 3am.

“What’s going on in that empty head of yours over there?” Bucky’s voice once again brought you back to reality as you laid your eyes on the familiar grin plastered across his face.

“Please,” you huffed, cheeks tinted a light shade of pink at the thought of him catching you staring, “which one of us has a college degree again?”

His laugh was a symphony to your ears. Your smile mirrored his when he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at you.

“So, what is it tonight? That nightmare again?” he asked, voice dropping an octave as his facial features softened in a way you really hoped only you got to see.

“Mm, not quite” you responded, your voice a broken whisper.

Bucky wasn’t the type to pry, but with you he wouldn’t even have to. Talking to him, sharing your deepest secrets and fears, telling him about the nightmares that kept you awake at night – it all came easily. Too easily.

“This week it’s...it’s that image of my stupid mother. Standing there with her black eyes and busted lip, telling me that it was me that was the problem. That it was me who...” you swallowed hard, the heaviness creeping back into your chest and tears fighting to wet your eyes. God you hated that you let this get the best of you.

Just as your mind started to bring you back to that dark place it was interrupted by the feeling of warmth spreading over your body. You looked down to see Bucky’s large hand resting right above your knee. When your eyes met again, he gave you a soft look that made your heart scream.

“I’m sorry,” you could tell he meant it as he gave your knee a soft squeeze.

A small smile flashed over your face and you had to resist the urge to reach out and cup his soft, stubbled cheek in your hand.

“Hey, we’re all a little fucked up, right?” you joked.

“Some more than others,” he replied, those beautiful wrinkles appearing around his nose as he scrunched it up with another laugh.

“Thanks, Buck... I’m sure you’d rather be doing anything other than listening to my sob story,” you reluctantly broke eye contact and looked down at the hem of your shirt as you fiddled with it in your fingers.

You were all too aware at the loss of contact as Bucky drew his hand back and leaned back into his chair.

“Doll,” he started as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again - you could swear you almost saw a grin on his lips, “there are very few things I’d rather do than sit with you on the balcony at 3am”.

At that moment it felt as though time stood still. Sure, you had flirtatious banter back and forth occasionally and made a habit out of spilling your deepest regrets to each other during the wee hours of the morning, but this felt different. This felt like a confession.

You’d be lying to yourself if you tried to convince yourself, or anyone else for that matter, that you didn’t have a thing for him. I mean - who wouldn’t? The guy was a gentleman; he was soft spoken and caring, he was a dork who loved to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, the type of person who would give you the shirt off of his own back if it meant you were taken care of.

He....well, he was Bucky.

And god damn it if you didn’t love him.

You’re unsure of how much time has passed, but one minute you’re sitting on your chair, chewing your lip and droning on about the man in front of you in your head. The next minute you found yourself on his lap, knees seated on either side of his waist as your legs straddle him and your hands connect with the skin they so desperately craved to feel. Bucky’s eyes opened slowly and met yours as you let the pad of your thumb gently run along the curve of his bottom lip. The uneven breaths leaving your chest hitched as you felt his hands grip your hips softly. Refusing to break eye contact, Bucky gently pressed a kiss to the pad of your thumb. You dragged his lower lip down briefly.

“Well,” he began. His voice was barely above a whisper but it’s thick, lustful tone made you shiver from head to...well, you know, “are you gonna kiss me, Doll? Or do I have to do all the work myself?”

He barely finished his sentence before your lips captured his. It was messy, almost all teeth and tongue. It was needy, as if it was the last time either of you would ever kiss anyone again. It was fucking incredible.

Bucky’s metal arm snaked up your back and found its way into your hair, curling his fingers gently around the strands at the back of your head, as his other arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you closer to his form. He was intoxicating. This whole situation was something you had briefly imagined months ago, but ultimately pushed out of your mind. There was no way that he would ever be interested in someone like you. Yet, here he was, tongue fighting for entrance into your mouth.

You aren’t quite sure who pulled away first. Both of you were gasping for air, chests heaving up and down as you both stared into each other's lust-blown pupils.

“You kiss pretty well for someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend since 1940,” you teased, laughing as he rolls his eyes at the comment.

“You just don’t know when to shut that mouth of yours, do ya?” he practically growled, ever so slightly tightening his grip on your waist, and you almost lost it from just the sound of his voice alone.

“Why don’t you make me, Barnes?” you leaned in close, warm breath fanning over the shell of his ear.

A yelp escaped your throat as you were suddenly jerked up to a standing position, locking your ankles behind his back as he effortlessly held you up by your thighs.

“Oh Doll,” he chuckled darkly into your neck, almost making you pass out from the sensation, “I thought you’d never ask”.