#that’s the survival mode talking. but like what am i supposed to do now. i feel like a fucking shell of a person. like the only thing that

[jackett-slut]

ok sorry if this sounds fucking insane. i need to write something out.

[xxoxobree]

The Boy Is Mine

Miles Morales x Black Fem Spider-person Reader v Gwen Stacy.

Summary: He saved you and She didn’t want to and maybe she was right because the boy is now yours.

WARNINGS: Fighting, bad words, I think that’s it.

A/n: I was tied!!! Of seeing Miles cheat with Gwen so I took matters into my own hands. This is probably one of the best stories I’ve ever written too so don’t skip. I had so much fun writing this.

For the past 2 years, you've been the one and only Spider-woman. Everyone knows the story by now, bitten by a radioactive spider, and now you spend your time protecting the city. Everything was going great. Or that's what you wanted to believe as you fought Wilson Fisk, a person who is supposed to be behind bars. This Wilson was different - bigger, stronger, he was giving you a run for your money.

"What have they been feeding you at the Raft, Willie?" You quipped as you dodged a punch. "Haha, missed me," you said, landing a punch combo to his jaw.

"You stupid spiders are always in the way," he said, managing to catch you off guard, knocking you back. This fight is definitely gonna take a while.

"Who are you anyway, where's Spider-Man?" Fisk asked, walking menacingly toward you as you lay on the floor to catch a breath.

"I don't get paid enough for this," you said, getting up, squaring up with the large man.

Spider-Man, what are you talking about, Fisk?" You asked the man leaping backwards, dodging all of his hits.

"Enough of this talk, this ends now," Fisk said, running toward you. You charged back, your fist balled, about to strike, but he dodged and caught you by your throat.

"Another spider under my belt," Fisk said, laughing as he squeezed your throat. Gasping for air, you tried your best to break free from his grip, but your vision began to fade out. Your strength left you, and your eyes began to close. All you wanted to do was sleep, but you blinked your eyes again. Maybe you were hallucinating from the lack of oxygen, but a portal with glowing lights appeared, and two other spider personas flew forward, knocking Fisk out. You dropped to the floor, gasping for air, but still fainted in the process.

You probably weren't out for long, but you heard faint voices, a female and a male.

"What do we do, Gwen? We can't just leave her here."

"Miles, what are we supposed to do? We can't take her back to HQ."

You were too weak to actually open your eyes to see who was talking. Too weak to stop them from kidnapping you and taking you to wherever HQ was. You tried to let out a small groan, but it was useless.

"That's exactly what we need to do, Gwen. She needs medical care."

"Ughhh.... Fine, you grab her."

You heard footsteps move towards you, and your body being lifted before you succumbed to the darkness around you again.

✨HQ✨

Your bloodshot eyes shot open as you sat up, feeling around for your mask that wasn't on your face. You heard the fast-paced beeping of a heart monitor, letting you know your heart rate was up as you ripped all the pads off of you, standing ready to leave the room before two people came walking inside. You immediately got in defense mode as you studied them - an older man in a blue suit with a spider on the front, and a younger boy about your age in a black suit, also with a spider on the front.

"Where the fuck am I, and who are you?" you said, pointing.

"Welcome to HQ, Spiderwoman. I'm Spider-Man, and he's Spider-Man. Glad you survived. Miles, I'll leave you to it," the older man in the blue suit said, walking away.

Miles walked closer to you, setting off your spider senses. You closed one of your eyes, moving your head to the side, resting your hand on your head. "Don't come any closer," you said.

You're probably not used to that, but you're like me, it does that sometimes. I'm Miles.

"Yeah, I got that from earlier," you said, flopping back on the hospital cot, still very much in pain.

Miles wasn't in the room when they took off your mask, so this was the first time he saw your face. He scanned every detail of your face, taking in the way your plump lips formed into a natural pout, or maybe that was just because you were in pain. The way your brown eyes sparkled under the bright white light, he couldn't help but be captivated by your gaze. He loved your braids and the way your pink beads rattled every time you moved.

Miles felt something stir in the pit of his stomach the longer he looked at you. Maybe it was just gas from the spicy food he ate earlier, he thought, in denial of the growing attraction he felt for a stranger.

"Well, aren't you gonna tell me your name?" Miles finally mustered the courage to ask.

You turned to face him, the pain momentarily forgotten as you observed his silly smirk. You weren't usually the friendliest person, but there was something about Miles that felt different, something that made you want to open up.

"I'm Y/n," you replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

Nice to meet you Y/n," Miles said, offering his hand. You looked at it. "I'd shake your hand, but I'm in too much pain right now," you said, causing both of you to laugh. There it was, that fluttering feeling in the pit of Miles' stomach again as he watched a beautiful smile grace your face.

"So, what is this place and why am I here?" you asked Miles, curiosity shining in your eyes. "This is the Spider Society. We brought you here because you were in bad shape from fighting Fisk," Miles explained. You coughed a bit. "Yup, he whooped my ass," you said, making both you and Miles burst into laughter again.

Unbeknownst to the two of you, Gwen stood outside the door, her eyes fixed on the scene unfolding inside. With each word you said to Miles, with each chuckle you elicited from him, the flames of jealousy ignited within her. Unable to bear it any longer, she burst into the room, startling both you and Miles.

"What the fuck? You didn't even have to do all that, shawty," You exclaimed. Miles stood up, a look of surprise on his face. "Gwen, this is Y/n, Spider-woman, the one we helped," he explained, pointing toward you.

"Oh, hi. I'm glad you're okay," Gwen said, her words laced with a hint of insincerity.

This your girl Miles ?" You asked.

"No, no." They both said in unison dragging their o's. It was obvious to you that there was more to the story by the way she busted into the room but that was none of your business.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, Y/n. We should get going," Gwen said, gently tugging Miles towards the door.

Before leaving, Miles tossed you a watch that you effortlessly caught. "Maybe we can see each other again," he said, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. You smiled, watching him walk away.

"Hmmm," you hummed, examining the watch before clasping it onto your wrist. "Maybe we will, Spider-Man."

As Gwen and Miles made their way through the headquarters, Miles couldn't ignore Gwen's evident distress. He studied her face and body language.He called out to her, "Gwen?"

Getting no response, Miles tried a sing-songy voice, calling her name once more. "What, Miles?" she replied, her voice tinged with bitterness.

"I know you're upset. Do you want to talk or not?" Miles asked, genuinely wanting to understand what was bothering her.

"Why don't you go talk to Y/n?"

"Gwen, are you serious? I barely know her, but she's a cool girl," Miles defended, trying to reassure her.

"Oh, she's cool now?" Gwen's tone dripped with sarcasm and doubt.

Miles gently reached for Gwen's hand, stopping her in her tracks, making her face him directly. "Look, Gwen, you don't have to worry about her, okay?" he said softly.

Gwen's expression softened, and she nodded, a flicker of trust returning to her eyes. "Alright, Miles. She said giving him a small punch to the shoulder.

✨The Mission✨

You were back in your dimension 2 days post fight with Fisk feeling good as new. You were in bed, examining the watch Miles gave you, when a hologram of a woman appeared, making you scream.

"Oh hey there new recruit, I'm Lyla," she said, waving.

"Hi... Lyla," you said slowly, waving back.

"Sorry to scare you, but the boss needs you at HQ, your first mission... Yayyyy, so suit up," she said before disappearing.

"Uh, okay," you said, slipping into your skintight suit and mask, slapping on your watch, struggling to find out how to get it to work because no one gave you a tutorial. But you managed using your genius brain and stepped through the portal, gracefully landing in a dark room with monitors.

"Great, you're here......Miles!" the man you were familiar with but never got his name called out.

From the shadows, Miles emerged with a smile on his face. "Good to see you again, Mamita," he said.

"Oh, we're using pet names now?" you said, matching his flirty energy.

"That's enough," Miguel said as he stood before you two. "Anomaly in Earth 746, catch it."

"Anomaly?" you questioned.

"I'll tell you all about it later," Miles said, grabbing your hand, opening a portal, and pulling you through.

You dusted off your hands. The mission went well, a little too well, especially for a Goblin mission.

"You're pretty good, Miles."

"You too, Mamita. Gotta say, I doubted you a little after the Fisk fight," he teased.

"Oh, whatever," you said, rolling your eyes, chuckling a bit.

You moved closer to Miles, mere inches between you two, as you ran your fingers along his jawline.

Miles' breath hitched as you touched him, his hazel eyes expressing the tension between you two. There was no denying that Miles was handsome, and you were eager to learn more about him.

"So what dimension are you from, Papa?" you asked playfully, a flirtatious smile gracing your lips.

"1610. Maybe we could go there?" Miles responded, his voice filled with anticipation.

"Take a girl on a date first, Miles," you laughed, teasing him gently.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I..." Miles stammered, trying to explain himself.

"I would love to see your dimension, Miles," you interrupted, cutting him off.

And so, Miles took you to his dimension.

"This is Brooklyn." Miles said as you two stood atop the Williamsburg Bank building, you marveled at the city below. It was similar to your own home, yet distinctly different. Miles watched in awe as your eyes sparkled at the city, feeling a flutter in his stomach.

"It's beautiful, Miles," you whispered, taking a seat to soak in the view.

He walked forward and sat beside you, his face beaming with joy. You turned towards him, a warm smile on your lips.

"So, what's your story, big head?" you asked, playfully leaning on him.

"My story?" Miles responded, a hint of surprise in his voice.

"You're Spider-Man, Miles. What's your origin?" you asked , curious him.

"You know, regular Spider-Man stuff. I gained my powers and now I fight bad guys," Miles answered, a humble tone in his voice.

"That's not what I meant," you said, giving him a small shove. "What's the real story? I was bitten by a radioactive spider too, two years ago on a field trip to Oscorp. Your world doesn't seem to have Oscorp." You sighed, frustration and sadness mixing in your voice. "I got these crazy powers that I didn't know what to do with, so I decided to keep them a secret and pretend that I was a regular kid."

The weight of your words hung heavy in the air as you choked up, memories flooding back. Miles noticed your distress and perked up. "It's okay, you don't have to share if you don't want to," he said, trying to comfort you.

But something compelled you to open up, to let go of the burden you had been carrying alone for so long. You rested your hand gently on top of his. "I pretended to be some regular kid, and that led to me losing my mom. And from then on, I decided to help everyone else," you finished.

Miles's heart stung as he listened to your story. "I lost someone close to me too, my uncle Aaron. He was shot saving me," he shared, the pain evident in his voice.

A sense of understanding and connection washed over you both. You leaned your head on his shoulder. "See, that's your story, Papa," you said softly, appreciating the bond that formed between you. "You know, Miles, it's so nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with now," you added, gazing at the sun setting on the horizon.

That moment solidified your blooming relationship with Miles. Whenever you had free time, you would pop into his dimension, and vice versa. Now, in your suit, you found yourself in dimension 1610, patiently waiting for Miles to catch up as you swung through the bustling city.

"Keep up, Miles," you teased, a mischievous glint in your eyes as you effortlessly jumped from building to building, landing with grace. The two of you were headed back to his house, where Jeff and Rio, his parents, adored you and had grown fond to your presence after all the time you spent with Miles.

They couldn't wrap their head around the whole different dimension thing and just assumed Miles' imagination had run wild. You two walked through his front door.

"Hey Mama Rio," you greeted Miles' mom.

"Hey Mija."

"Hey Mom," Miles said, hugging his mom before the two of you walked into his room. You two were too caught up in conversation to notice a guest. Gwen. She cleared her throat, making you two snap your attention towards her.

"Gwen, hey," Miles said nervously. "What are you - what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you because I barely see you anymore, but now I know why," Gwen answered.

You snickered a bit, knowing you essentially snatched Miles from Gwen.

"Oh, that's funny?" Gwen asked.

You threw your hands up in surrender, not wanting to get into it with her.

"We were about to watch a movie, order some pizza. You can stay if you want," Miles offered to pacify Gwen, but he was hoping she'd turn it down. He cherished his alone time with you.

"No, it's fine, Miles. I'll leave," Gwen said with a hint of frustration in her voice.

"Uh, okay. Bye," Miles said

"Bye, Gwendolyn," you added, unable to hide the small smirk on your face.

Gwen turned to you and asked, "You know what, can we talk outside, Y/n?"

Rolling your eyes, you agreed, "Sure, why not?" You grabbed Miles' hand, signaling for him to come along.

"Alone," Gwen insisted, her tone unwavering.

"Okay... I'll be back, papa," you said to Miles, giving him a smile and a pat on the cheek.

As you followed Gwen out of the window and onto the roof, you could feel the tension building up. Once you reached a secluded corner, she turned to face you, arms folded.

"What is your problem?" she asked, her voice filled with accusation.

"Girl, what are you talking about?" you answered defensively.

"Miles," she replied, her tone laced with frustration.

"What about him? He's fine, great even," you said, walking closer to her.

"Don't play dumb, Y/n," Gwen snapped.

"What are you getting at, Gwen?" you said, your tone becoming pointed as you grew tired of the conversation.

"He's mine, Y/n, and you're trying to steal him away," her voice filled with possessiveness.

You couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Yours?" you asked, shaking your head. "Gwen, you lost him the day you two saved me."

As the words left your mouth, the truth hung heavy in the air. Gwen had been holding onto her feelings for Miles while pretending everything was okay. But deep down, she knew that the connection between you and Miles was undeniable.

What you didn't see coming was a slap across your face from Gwen, not thinking she was bold enough to do it. The sting of her actions lingered in the air as shock resonated through your entire being. And what Gwen didn't see was Miles, camouflaged and watching you two from a distance. He didn't hear anything you two talked about, but he sure did see the slap.

As the pain subsided, you didn't retaliate. Deep down, you and Gwen both knew that you had won this battle, that Miles was now dedicated to you.

"Why would you do that, Gwen?" You heard a voice behind you, and turned to see Miles standing there, his eyes filled with disappointment.

You watched in satisfaction as Gwen's eyes widened, realizing that she had not only hurt you but also jeopardized her chances with Miles. She had unknowingly made it even easier for you to snatch his affection away from her.

"Miles, I..." Gwen stammered, unable to find the right words to justify her actions.

"Why would you hit her?" Miles asked, his voice filled with a mix of anger and hurt.

"You didn't hear what she said, Miles. She's trying to tear us apart. You were mine," Gwen spewed out, desperately clinging to her fading hopes.

"Yours? I'm not some object, Gwen," Miles retorted, his voice laced with disappointment. "Is that why you brought her outside? To hit her?"

A heavy silence hung in the air as Gwen struggled to find an explanation, her words failing her. The truth had been laid bare, and Miles saw her for who she truly was.

"Save it, Gwen," Miles said, his voice firm. "You just showed me the type of person you really are. I've been pining after you for months, and you always brushed me off. But now, now I have someone who actually likes me back."

With those words, he took your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

You looked at Gwen, a smug look on your face as you squeezed Miles' hand tighter.

"You don't mean that, Miles."Gwen said.

"Yes, I do," Miles turned to you. "She likes me back, and she's the most caring, sweetest, funniest person in this dimension and every other," Miles said, making you tear up a bit, your lip bottom poking out.

"You're so cute when you do that," Miles said.

Gwen watched as her heart slowly broke. She had played with Miles,but now she had lost the game. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. She should be the one he said all those things to. The tears pricked her eyes.

"Y/n, will you be my girlfriend?" The words echoed in Gwen's head, the final blow that made her tears roll down her face.

"Of course, I will, papa," you said, jumping on Miles and giving him a tight hug before pulling back and giving him a big kiss, your first one in front of his former crush.

You and Miles turned to Gwen, watching as she continued to cry.

"You should go, Gwen," you said, your heart aching a bit for the girl, but not a lot.

Miles grabbed your hand as the two of you walked off toward the stairwell, leaving Gwen behind.

[drdemonprince]

Hi Devon,

this might not be a question you can answer, or maybe it is! idk. this is about covid & alike

for context on myself, i’m a white gendrfucky trans guy who’s also autistic & an immigrant (so some cultural context is probably lacking)

as we know, we’re in a 2nd highest surge & the pandemic never stopped and it increasingly dangerous and disabling to so many

i wear my kn95 everywhere i go now, and while i tried last semester, it was a lot easier to abandon masking because of

1. others’ around me negligence

2. some classrooms being IMPOSSIBLY hot and close to unbearable with a respirator on

3. attending crowded events where people needed to hear me

i’ve reevaluated and am rebuilding my practices now, but what i’m finding really difficult is to get people i have in my life to wear a mask again

i feel so lost. i share the informational posts, i talk to my people, i offer masks- what else is there to do?? i know the exhaustion i feel is absolutely incomparable to what disabled and immunocompromised people feel, especially when they’ve done the work for years!

i just don’t understand how i’m supposed to keep moving through life. i mean ofc i’ll keep doing what i’m already doing but it’s so incredibly isolating to be the only person masked in a meeting of 20,30,50 people.

i don’t know how to make people care. i don’t know how to have conversations with my friends in a way that will let our relationship evolve with this new understanding of care. i don’t know how to not polarize people into defensiveness when i talk about the powers wreaking atrocities in falasteen being the same ones shortening an isolation period to 1 day.

i don’t know how to be eloquent enough to be listened to and firm enough where people take what i say seriously. i don’t know how to not start screaming WEAR A MASK anytime it’s a crowded (or even not crowded) meeting indoors with no air filtration.

idk how people don’t realize the “cold” they’ve had for 3 weeks is either covid or direct aftermath of it. idk how they stand for seemingly the right things and then come to work sick & unmasked.

i don’t know how to engage with most people in a meaningful way & find connections because the delusion, the “it won’t happen to me”, the “i don’t care if i catch it and die”, the “this is just the way it is” seems to be a wall made of unbreakable cement and i don’t know what will melt it.

i feel insane for having compassion towards the world and seeing how it can be better. i feel insane for being angry people don’t mask & downplay this issue. i feel insane for even trying to talk sense into people.

i’ve recently been called a lying phony by an account that talks about masking bc a lot of my recent pictures show my face without a mask. i archived the posts since, apologized and reflected. but a lot of pictures i take are in my own room so i am unmasked. idk

i feel like the gap between me and most people i know is growing wider by the minute and with every reading i do about interdependent revolutionary practices, etc.

i know that when one understands something, it is their responsibility to make an impact on their bubble of the world and transform it with their knowledge. but i doubt i’m the only one doing the reading and knowing what’s going on, i just seem to be the only one masking.

i don’t know. i’m sorry it’s such a long ask & i’m sure you have your own stuff you’re dealing with. i just don’t know who else to ask that might understand. i’m sure there are people around me who might but so many are in survival mode and i currently don’t know anyone with the capacity to hold space for this.

i guess it’s bold to assume you do.

anyway, i hope your day goes alright today<3

You are placing wayyy too much responsibility upon yourself as one compassionate and informed individual here, and expecting far too much perfection of yourself in ways that do not help you and do not help the cause. You've done a lot to unpack the terrible individualism that has led to anti-mask sentiment being so rampant, but you are in a way still applying that logic to yourself and your situation by imagining that if you, one humble person with limited power were able to be adequately persuasive, you'd somehow change the actions of thousands. That is not how behavior change works.

Persuasion almost never happens logically or instantly, almost never through one person's remarks. Behavior is shaped by a vast array of economic, sociological, emotional, and ideological factors.

It's also not helpful in my opinion to worry about the opinion of someone who would shame you for not wearing a mask at home alone in your bedroom, either. Obsessing over the optics of our actions and wanting all people to morally approve of us at all times is yet another consequence of individualism and Puritanism. as you well know as someone who masks in a crowd of maskless people, sometimes we gotta do what we know is right and disregard others' opinions.

What you can do, in my opinion, is this: keep masking. Your behavior reminds people of the need for masks and models socially responsible behavior. Bring spare masks with you. Offer them to your family and friends and the people standing near you in public. If they refuse, and you have a good relationship with the person where they have shown they respect you and listen to you, then you can tell them why masking around you is important to you. You cannot change the opinion of someone who has never shown you any respect so don't expect that to ever work.

Even if you do have a good relationship with someone, persuasion is a long, hard process. Do not expect yourself to change their mind. If you can get some people to mask at least around you, that is a victory. Perfection is an unrealistic goal here to expect of yourself, and for public health in general. Any improvement you can inspire is a victory. Even if it's just making one or two friends mask more often when they are with you. That still lessens risk. That still sends a visible signal to everyone around you. You have no idea of the impact you truly have on other people in the long term. It is both more modest and far larger and longer-reaching than you as an individual will ever know.

Please be easy on yourself. You are just a person. An average person with very limited power. So is everyone else for the most part. When you stop burdening yourself with the unrealistic responsibility of changing thousands of people's behavior, you will feel less resentful toward others as well. When we resent other people it always means we are doing too much.

And when you feel less overwhelmed and overburdened, you will be more effective in the conversations you do have with people about COVID too. People do not respond well to (what they perceive to be) guilt or intensity or someone presuming to know better than them. What people do respond to well is to be asked genuine questions, listened to, validated in their feelings, given help where they are facing barriers to action, and being treated with compassionate gentleness.

But to do that you have to work on believing that people who are flawed in their response to COVID have reasons for doing so that make sense to them, and that they aren't all foolish and lacking in compassion. As my friend @kim-from-kansas says, people do not do things that do not make sense. If a person's actions do not make sense to you, it is because you are missing a piece of their context. The sad fact is people have many reasons to think that masking doesn't work or is hopeless. People have been very heavily propagandized and trauma also makes many people value life less.

Convincing people to take COVID more seriously is a tall, tall order, but if you wish to do so, you will need to be more than correct. You will have to put real work into not making people feel judged, and you will have to make peace with not always (or even usually) succeeding. It sucks but that's how it is. Best of luck!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yea.... 😭😭😭

now my logical followup is rewatching rogue one for the first time since seeing it (multiple times) in theaters i believe? Will i cry a lot, which i am always prone to do w/media & things but all the more so lately, it seems

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 01x16 - Dark Evolution! SkullGreymon / The Arrival of SkullGreymon

Previously on Digimon Adventure: The wicked servants of Elvis gave our kids food and baths. Fleeing into a nearby cave, Taichi found the Warp Whistle and got them out of there before they could be exposed to Elvis's music any longer.

Now we join them an ambiguous length of time later, in a place that is certainly not the forested mountains we left them in.

We're back in the desert. Why are we back in the desert? Why did we go back there? IDK but Mimi's is bothered as I am.

Mimi: Ugh, how much farther do we have to talk? Jou: Until we find a place where Etemon can't reach us. Mimi: Does a place like that even exist!?!? Yamato: I hope so. We have nowhere to run if Etemon attacks us right now. Sora: This is bad. Everyone's starting to get depressed.

Wandering through the vast deserts of Server under threat that Etemon could appear at any moment naturally has a negative impact on the group's mental health. Sora's concerned for them. But Taichi's annoyed.

Taichi: What's going on here!? Get a hold of yourselves! We have a Crest with us now! Yamato: Sure, but can they really evolve with just the Crest? Taichi: Of course. Right, Agumon? Agumon: Mmm-- Taichi: Be more assertive! You're the only one right now who can evolve to the next level! You have to stand for all of us on the battlefield! Tentomon: We're counting on you! Taichi: By the way, how do we reach the next evolution? Koushiro: Well, from what we know about evolution, they need a lot of energy to evolve. They couldn't do it when they were hungry. Also, it happens when their partner is in danger. Taichi: I see.... So, about, that energy thing: To evolve to a higher level, I guess you'd need more energy than ever, right?

Taichi ties off that question with a wink at Agumon, who flinches from Taichi's exuberance. He's plotting.

As he brought up at the end of the last episode (but not in the dub), In stark contrast to the rest of the group, who are still in survival mode, Taichi feels invincible now that he has this Crest. He's confident that he has the key to Etemon's demise right there around his neck. He just needs to figure out how it works.

Over in the dub, Tai's going even harder.

Tai: Hey, come on, you guys! Why'd we stop? Why's everyone so scared? After all, we do have the Crest, you know! Matt: That's true! But do we really know the Crest will help Agumon to Digivolve? Tai: Of course! Right, Agumon? Agumon: Hmm? Tai: Listen, buddy: This is your big chance! Don't let me down! You're the only one that can Digivolve further so either you try to get to the next level and save us from Etemon or I'll go and get myself a new Digimon! Tentomon: Not much of a choice! Tai: ARGH! By the way, how are we supposed to use the Crest to Digivolve again? Izzy: Well, from what we've seen so far with the other Digivolutions, it takes a lot of energy. For example, they can't Digivolve if they're hungry. In addition, the Partner of the Digimon must be in some sort of danger. You know, like being under attack or something. Tai: But since it's a higher level of Digivolving, my theory is even more energy is needed. So we'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!

Love that closing line, "We'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!" That's a great way to set up the bad decision-making that's about to take place.

The biggest difference between the two versions is that Tai threatens to fire Agumon in this one. Holy shit! He's being a twat either way but that's brutal.

We cut briefly to Etemon's trailer being carted through the desert. He's rambling.

Etemon: You kids just wait! When I find you, I'll knock you flat and stuff you like turkeys!

Over in the dub, he says:

Etemon: You better watch out, you DigiDestined kids! I'll find you and, when I do, you'll wish you never crossed Etemon! I'll get ya!

This may seem like a lateral move, but the "stuff you like turkeys" line is setup for a gag. We cut immediately from that line to:

The dub destroys this joke, not only changing Etemon's line but introducing a commercial break between Etemon's setup and Agumon's payoff.

Over here at a small oasis, Taichi is force-feeding Agumon as much as possible.

Agumon: I can't eat anymore! Taichi: When I say eat, you eat! No complaining! Agumon: But-- Taichi: Listen! Everyone gave you their share of food because they're looking forward to your evolution! Right, guys? Yamato: Sure. Mimi: Gave it to him? More like he took it from us. Gabumon: But we can't evolve to a higher level. Jou: (bitterly) So it's "Whoever doesn't work doesn't eat"? Tentomon: Oh no.... Taichi: Eh? What was that? I can't hear you! Isn't that right, guys? Group: (unenthusiastically) Uh-huh! Taichi: See? That's why you and I have to work hard together! We have to protect everyone!

Taichi is now preventing the rest of the group from eating so that he can force-feed Agumon far beyond his limits. Based entirely on his own speculation that Agumon will need a supreme amount of energy for a Perfect-stage evolution.

Palmon: I guess that means we're dragging everyone down. Piyomon: Even so, I feel sorry for Agumon. Sora: Yeah. Agumon looks like he's being forced into a corner. Koushiro: During club activities, Taichi-san was always nice to us younger members. Sora: Now that you mention it, back in soccer club....

While the first part of this scene is played totally straight in the dub, this bit's a little different.

Palmon: I guess there's not much else we can do to help. Biyomon: I don't know if Agumon can take much more! Sora: Yeah, Tai is really pushing him. Agumon's stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Izzy: Tai's personality has taken a turn for the worse lately. I remember him being friendlier even to us younger kids. Sora: Actually, now that you mention it, he was cool during soccer camp.

"Soccer camp" is an interesting choice here. Extracurricular "soccer club" isn't really a thing in the U.S. but schools do have sports teams. Not usually for elementary schools, though. Sora and Taichi are in fifth grade. In order to play soccer together, they'd have to be part of a recreational youth program like at the YMCA or, as noted, a soccer camp.

Meanwhile, Koushiro's reference to sharing "club activities" with Taichi, though the sentiment of his line remains. I guess they couldn't imagine why Izzy would play soccer.

From here, Sora flashes back on a school soccer game. Taichi's playing in the front of his team as a striker, a position notorious for arrogant and selfish play, and he has the ball. Sora is the other striker, running down the field parallel to Taichi.

We see the gears turn in Taichi's head.

Sora: Taichi, pass! Taichi: This is my chance to shoot! Here I go!

But then another player slides in front of him on an intercept course. Without missing a beat, Taichi passes the ball sideways a moment before the slide trips him up. Sora receives his pass, striking the ball with a headbutt and sending it sailing into goal.

Helping Taichi to his feet, Sora appreciates his sportsmanship.

Sora: Nice pass! I thought you'd try to take the shot yourself. Taichi: I'd never do something that crazy! Ahahahaha!

Back in the present, Sora reflects:

Sora: Taichi seems like the type to rush off on his own, but he's always taken his surroundings into consideration. Koushiro: Right. Sora: But now.... Taichi: We're the only ones who can do this! So keep going! Eat up! Agumon: No more! Sora: Ever since Taichi got that Crest, he's become a completely different person.

Again, the dub here is a bit altered.

Sora: Tai might look like he's trying to run things all by himself, but whatever crazy action he takes, he does it for the good of the team. Izzy: Mmhmm. Sora: But now all this.... Tai: We're the only ones who can help now! So you've gotta keep eating, okay, Agumon!? Agumon: I can't! Sora: Tai's personality seems to have changed ever since he got a hold of that Crest of Courage.

Sora's point is about Taichi typically having situational awareness to temper his enthusiasm. He was going to take the shot himself, but when he realized he was about to be intercepted, he quickly switched gears and passed the ball rather than stubbornly forging ahead.

"Tai makes ridiculous choices but always for good reasons!" is a bizarre takeaway for her to have from that anecdote.

Also, she name-drops Crest of Courage before any of the kids know that the Crests mean things. That's a straight-up continuity error right there.

Suddenly, the conversation's broken up a ringing pulse shining inside Jou's shirt.

Jou: I'm starving... Hmm? What the...? (Jou pulls his Tag out of his shirt and sees it pulsing blue) Jou: (standing up suddenly) Hey, look! My Tag! Yamato: It's reacting to something. Koushiro: Your Crest must be nearby! Taichi: Really!?

Taichi whips out his mini-telescope, scanning the nearby surroundings until he spots a set of ruins in the distance. Ecstatic, Jou races down the dune they're resting on, tripping over something buried in the sand.

Gomamon: What's a cable doing here?

His question doesn't get answered, but we know these cables. Far off, Etemon orders the Monochromon dragging his trailer to halt.

Etemon: STOP!!! Gazimon: What's wrong, Etemon-sama? Etemon: Ehehehehehe!!! Something's stuck in my network! L-7 Area... Let's see... Where was that? L over, 7 down, and... There it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: YIIIIIII!!! It's near the Coliseum! Remember? The place I hold my yearly concert! (angrily) They fled to such a place.... Gazimon: Geh. It's pretty far. Etemon: Yep. However, I have an interesting show set up there. Ahaha!

In the dub:

Etemon: WHOA!!! Gazimon: What is it, Lord Etemon? Etemon: Ahaha! Something's caught in my network, uh-huh-huh! The intruder's in the L-7 sector. Let's see, L-7, L-7... How's this thing work? Oh, here it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: Hahaha, it's near the Coliseum! That's where I hold my annual Tribute to Me show; I wonder what they're doing all the way over there? You got any idea? Gazimon: Well, maybe they want to get good seats, boss. Etemon: Oh, they'll have a perfect view for the surprise show I planted for 'em! Hahahaha!

Small change: Etemon seems miffed that the kids are at the Coliseum in the original. It's a subtle moment, but it almost seems like he's offended that they're hiding out in a place that has sentimental value to him personally.

"Maybe they want to get good seats" is a great quip. We lose Gazimon expositing that it's far off, but Etemon covered that with "all the way over there" so the information is still conveyed.

The big shift here is the "show" waiting for the kids. Etemon in the original suggests that what's about to happen is part of his annual concert setup. He's repurposing resources already in place for another reason. Dub Etemon seems to have set this all up as a trap on purpose? Though given the events to follow, that's still a believable interpretation.

Etemon calls another Gazimon over in L-7 to arrange his plan.

Gazimon: Yeah? This is the L-7 area. Etemon: It's me. Gazimon: (leaps to his feet) Y-Yes!? Etemon: Some guests will be arriving soon. Prepare a welcome party. Gazimon: W-Welcome party!? You don't mean that thing? Etemon: I mean that thing. Gazimon: U-UNDERSTOOD!!!

This Gazimon races off into the Coliseum to prepare for the children's arrival.

Inside, the Coliseum is a bit different from what one might expect of ancient Roman architecture.

Koushiro: It looks like the Roman Coliseum! Tentomon: What is that? Taichi: An ancient stadium. Mimi: Look! A widescreen TV! Sora: And a goal post! This is a soccer field! Taichi: Well, let's split up and look for the Crest!

Neat. You know those ancient Romans and their love for giant stadium monitors and soccer.

We've been in Digimon World/Digital World for so long that no one even cares about out-of-place modern shit anymore. That's just life.

Unfortunately, all that overfeeding is taking a toll on Agumon, who falls to the ground abruptly.

Agumon: I can't move... Let me sleep.... Taichi: What's wrong with you!? Get up! Agumon: Sorry.... Jou: Let him rest. The only clue we have is this Tag. Gomamon and I will go look, so the rest of you take a break. Taichi: I'll go with you!

Jou-senpai stepping up to be the responsible one again, but as usual, Taichi can't be still for five seconds.

While Taichi and Jou race off to search for Jou's Crest, something interesting rolls out onto the soccer field.

Sora: (excited gasp) Soccer ball! Hey, want to play soccer!? Takeru: That sounds like fun! Yamato: Let's make it Human Team vs. Digimon Team. Tentomon: What's soccer? Sora: It's where you use your legs to kick this ball into a goal. You can also use your head or chest.

She demonstrates by popping the ball up and passing it with her head to Gabumon. He delivers a powerful kick, sending it up in an arc. Piyomon tries to catch it with her wings, but the ball hits her in the face and knocks her flat. It then bounces into Palmon's hands behind her.

Sora: You can't use your hands. Palmon: Don't you think that's really unfair to me? Takeru: The goalkeeper can use their hands, right? Yamato: Yeah. You'd be perfect for goalkeeper, Palmon.

In the dub, Palmon's objection is removed. After Biyomon gets clonked, Palmon's line and Sora's are switched.

Palmon: Oh! That's really using your head! Sora: Oh, and I forgot to tell you: You can't use your hands. T.K.: Unless you're the goalkeeper; Then you can touch the ball with your hands! Matt: Yeah! You should be the goalie for your team, Palmon!

It's a minor difference, but the bit doesn't flow quite as well without the point being raised that Palmon, more than anyone here, is a very grabby Digimon. She has a much higher hands-to-other-stuff ratio than the rest of the group.

With Palmon's role sorted out, she gives the ball a toss to put it back in play. Suddenly, noticing the others having fun, Tai races in and gives the ball a heavy kick, sending it hurtling to the upper audience stands.

By comical coincidence, he scores a direct hit on Gazimon way up there. Even when he's being a shit, Taichi has amazing soccer instincts. The shot sends Gazimon tumbling down the stairs into the Coliseum's inner chambers.

Taichi: How the hell can you guys be playing soccer at a time like this!?!? Stop and think about what we're dealing with! We're leaving as soon as Jou finds his Crest!

(This is Taichi's "How you season your eggs is causing the decline of Japanese culture" moment. Like Jou way back when, Taichi is cracking under the pressure of being at war with an invulnerable foe.)

Before anyone can say anything to Taichi, the stadium's filled with sports music and the screen turns on.

Etemon: WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am the greatest!

Screaming in terror, the kids flee for their lives, inexplicably choosing to take cover inside a soccer net. (Why?) This bizarre choice proves to be part of the trap; The net closes around them, sealing them in. Everyone but Agumon; He tripped and didn't make it to the net because his belly's still too full to move.

Etemon: GOOOOOOOOOAL!!! Now I've got you! Taichi: It was a trap! Tentomon: You think you can keep us in here with just this!?

Tentomon tries to break through the net, but it's electrified. It gives him a discouraging shock the moment he touches it.

Etemon: You're going to injure yourself if you do that. The net's wires are electrified! I've love to be there and do this face-to-face but unfortunately I'm too far away for that. Stars have busy schedules, y'know. But don't worry! A special guest is going to take my place! Who do you think it will be? Taichi: Who cares!? Etemon: I bet he's going to surprise you! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Etemon's guest star arrives: A Greymon with a black "collar" made up of what seems to be a Dark Network cable wrapped around their neck. They stomp into the Coliseum, wrecking everything in their path.

Taichi: G-Greymon!? Etemon: See? You're so surprised! I'm such a fabulous show producer. Now, let's get started! (English) IT'S SHOWTIME!!!

In the dub, we get:

Tai: It's a different Greymon! Etemon: See? I knew you'd be surprised! I'm so evil! ~Let's get started / It's time to go / Okay! / Here's the show!

That might be the funniest change in the series. I wonder which show producer objected to having Etemon proclaim, "I'm such a fabulous show producer"? XD

Agumon evolves to fight the other Greymon. As they're fighting, Takeru drops this banger.

Gabumon: You can do this, Greymon! Takeru: Don't lose to a fake!

Those are some bold words when that one over there is a natural Greymon and our guy can only hit that stage temporarily thanks to Digivice magic.

Sadly, natural Greymon proves to be superior in brawling with a temp. They land a horn bash to our Greymon's chin, sending him backwards into the electrified net.

Conceding that our Greymon can't beat Etemon's, Taichi sees only one avenue left.

Taichi: Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: He can't keep this up. Tentomon: He can't win if he doesn't evolve!

Greymon gets back up and keeps fighting, but the other Greymon tosses him to the ground and stomps on his head. Taichi screams at him to evolve.

Taichi: Evolve! Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: It's useless, Taichi-san. Your Crest isn't reacting at all. Yamato: Evolution is impossible. Taichi: I don't accept that. Greymon, I know you can do it! Believe in your ability to evolve!

Greymon does not evolve. He bashes the other Greymon off with a tail whip, then attempts to fire off a Mega Flame.

However, all that comes out is a belch. This is what tips off the group as to why he's having so much trouble.

Mimi: How can you burp at a time like this? Yamato: Do his movements look slower than usual? Koushiro: I get it. His body is heavy from overeating! Tentomon: You're right!

Tentomon's so excited by this revelation, he takes to the air and electrocutes himself on the net again. Smooth.

Meanwhile, Gazimon takes another call from Etemon.

Etemon: Don't just stand around! Start the ending celebration! Prepare the fireworks and step on it!

Gazimon takes up a position up on top of a set of three statue heads, raising sparklers for the ceremony.

While our Greymon continues to get worked over, Gomamon desperately calls his Marching Fishes to lend a fin.

Water pours out of the statues' mouths, with Gomamon's fish flying from the water. They mug Gazimon for his sparklers and make their way over to the enemy Greymon, baiting them away from our Greymon.

Meanwhile, the kids discuss the massive WTF of this occurrence.

Jou: How were fishes able to come out of there!? Gomamon: Don't look at me. I don't understand complex stuff. Koushiro: There's probably a rift to another dimension over there. Gomamon: What he said. Jou: I see....

It's as good an explanation as any.

The dub dialogue is similar, but Izzy's more condescending about it.

Joe: Where did those fish come from!? How could they just come out of there like that!? Gomamon: I dunno, but if it's not broken, don't fix it! Izzy: It's really elementary, Joe. There's probably just a dimensional vortex rift in the water. Gomamon: Ditto! Joe: Oh.

Imagine not knowing about aquatic dimensional vortex rifts. That's baby stuff. You're kinda dim, Joe.

Once the conversation's finished, the Marching Fishes drop their sparklers at Greymon's feet and then fly off into the sky, visibly fading out of existence. (I guess they Dimensional Vortex Rifted away.)

Koushiro comes up with the idea of tunneling to safety. The kids peel back the tiles to find another black cable, but also a large stone bearing a symbol like the one that formed Taichi's Crest. The stone begins to pulse, as does Jou's Tag.

Assuming it works the same, Jou rests his Tag on the stone.

Crest received!

Just in time for the ground beneath them, no longer braced by the Crest stone, to give way and dump the kids. into a deep hole. But it's a deep hole with an exit, so they're free. We briefly cut to Etemon furiously watching them make their escape.

Etemon: Those damn children! Not only did they escape, but they have another Crest! UNFORGIVABLE!!!

It's here that Taichi makes terrible choices.

Taichi: He'd win if he evolved. If he could only evolve! GREYMON!!! Sora: Stop! Taichi: Don't stop me! This is my chance to get Greymon to evolve! Please just stay out of the way! Sora: But your Crest isn't reacting at all! It's impossible for him to evolve! Taichi: He will evolve. No, I'll make him!

Taichi hops down into the stadium and races out onto the field, towards where the two Greymon are fighting.

(This is where Sora's anecdote from earlier comes into play. Taichi isn't being situationally aware. He's not paying attention to the factors on the field; Specifically, his Crest. He's stubbornly, arrogantly trying to take the shot himself and not paying attention to the very real fact that his angle is too well-guarded.)

Yamato: What is he trying to do!? Koushiro: The other condition needed for evolution is for the Partner to be in danger. Sora: Taichi-san wouldn't....

He would. He does.

Etemon calls for a Mega Flame to finish Taichi's Greymon, but Taichi interrupts the shot by pelting Etemon's Greymon with a rock expertly flung straight into their eye.

Taichi: STOP!!! I'm not scared of you! Come and get me! Etemon: Trying to act tough, are we? Very well. We'll deal with you first, just like you wanted!

Sora and Yamato send Birdramon and Garurumon in there to keep Taichi from getting himself stupidly killed. But Taichi keeps screaming at Greymon to evolve until finally, his Crest reacts. In an eerie way.

An unpleasant green light emanates from Taichi's Digivice, unlike the typical white of evolution. And his Crest turns black as pitch before it releases its energy. Greymon ankoku shinka.

The evolution for ankoku shinka or "Dark Evolution" is completely unlike the typical evolution. The transformation sequence is corrupted with unpleasant colors and a dark cloud appearing in the sky. Black energy with orange spirals pour into Greymon, causing him to take this new shape without the usual spinny stock footage and cry of "SHINKAAAAAAA!!!"

Even Tai seems to realize he's screwed up here, as his initial excitement quickly fades into an expression of horror.

Sora: T-That's.... Yamato: What's going on here? Tentomon: It can't be. That's SkullGreymon! Sora: SkullGreymon!?

The narrator chimes in here to give the rundown. SkullGreymon is a Perfect-stage Virus-type Skeleton Digimon.

Narrator: SkullGreymon. His menacing appearance reduces many Digimon to a quaking heap. Naturally, he has immense destructive power. He is a Perfect-stage Digimon who attacks persistently in battle.

Here, the dub has everything it needs for a seamless diegetic rundown. Tentomon is present on-hand, recognizes this Digimon, and has people to talk to when delivering the rundown.

Sora: What in the world!? Matt: What do you think that is? Tentomon: Oh my, is that what I think it is? Sora: What do you call that thing!? Tentomon: SkullGreymon. The sight of him makes other Digimon tremble! He is a fully Digivolved Digimon whose explosive power causes him to constantly search for battle!

"Fully". It's cute that you think that, Tentomon. To be fair to him, Perfect was the final stage until Ultimate was added later down the line. But it was already there by the time the anime was made and dubbed.

But yeah, this is basically a perfect diegetic rundown. Good work.

Koushiro's immediately convinced that this is wrong.

Koushiro: Th-This is bad! It looks like something went wrong and he evolved into something unbelievable!

But it's too late now. SkullGreymon begins to act, swatting the enemy Greymon into the air and launching them into Etemon's monitor. Then he fires the missile from his back.

SkullGreymon's signature move Ground Zero flies from his back, slamming into the monitor and exploding. The blast erases both the monitor and the opposing Greymon.

(RIP Other Greymon. Etemon said they were part of his annual show so I sure hope that means they were like a bandmate of his and not some sort of gladiator slave or something. Because they're stone dead now.)

Taichi, meanwhile, stares up at his "Partner" in disbelief.

Taichi: SkullGreymon! Did you really evolve from Greymon!?

In the dub, Tai more bluntly yells:

Tai: Listen to me, SkullGreymon! If you're really the Digivolved form of Greymon then you can't hurt me!

SkullGreymon responds by trying to smash him, provoking Garurumon and Birdramon to leap to his defense. Tentomon evolves as well to join the defense.

Three Adult-stage Digimon against a battle-hungry Perfect. While their battle tears up the landscape and shreds the black cables littered around.

Etemon: WAUGH!!! The Network! My network is ruined!

Over in the dub, Etemon hilariously tries to play this for sympathy.

Etemon: Oh no, my poor network! They're destroyin' everything that I worked so hard to create!

XD Sure, my dude. You're the victim here.

Back at the fight, SkullGreymon's as savage as we were promised. Birdramon, Kabuterimon, and Garurumon converge attacks on him, but he doesn't even flinch. Swatting them away as easily as the giant Devimon did before, SkullGreymon flees the Coliseum and races out into the desert beyond.

There, the dark evolution energy from Taichi's mistake finally runs out. He finally regresses, not just to Agumon but all the way down to Koromon.

As the group reaches Koromon, Taichi scoops him up in his arms.

Taichi: Are you okay!? Koromon: Yeah... But it looks like I did something terrible to you guys... I couldn't stop myself! Piyomon: Don't worry about it. Gabumon: That's right. Tentomon: We completely understand. Koromon: I'm sorry I couldn't rise to your expectations. Yamato: No! It's not your fault, it's.... Taichi: I know. It's mine. Yamato: That's not what I meant. Taichi: That's okay. It's true. Isn't it, Sora? Sora: Yes-- I-I mean-- Taichi: I was rushing ahead without even realizing it. Because I had the Crest, I felt like I had to fight the battles on my own. I'm sorry, everyone. (to Koromon) I'm sorry. Narrator: Although the next evolution stage was reached, it proved to be a mistake. Will they ever learn to evolve the right way?

We close on this somber moment, reflecting on Taichi's mistake. Neither forgiveness nor condemnation offered to him. Only a lesson learned and a hope to do better in the future.

The dub plays this all straight, including the narrator's closing dialogue. Of course, per usual, that's done diegetically.

Tai: You were finally able to Digivolve but it was a huge mistake. I wonder if our Digimon will ever be able to Digivolve the right way? One thing's for sure, I learned my lesson.

However what blows my mind in this final scene is that Koromon's voice is wrong. They have Mimi's actress playing Koromon and it's extremely noticeable. A huge departure from the usual performer who's been playing Koromon as recently as one episode ago. I have no idea why that happened.

Assessment: Here, at last, we're introduced to branching evolution paths and very specifically the concept of dark evolution, a rare occurrence in Digimon media but always a big deal when it comes up. Try to avoid putting your Digimon through that, yeah?

The dub for this episode has a couple of flaws in it, but I'd describe it as almost perfect. Like 95% of the dub for this episode was seamless adaptation, with some of the dub particulars like the diegetic rundowns fitting in perfectly. My biggest complaint here is that they messed up Sora's soccer anecdote, but that's small potatoes compared to some of the other episodes out there.

[mayhemscorner]

Sage

Itachi x f!reader

Summary: a sage master is rare. Even more rare, is a master of sage mode at such a young age. It was almost unheard of. So how was she capable to use it so effortlessly. (This is sad. I wrote this to help cope with loss recently. To heal, we must first feel pain.)

The flowers were blooming. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel them over my shoulder as my meditation deepens. I could feel the pulse of the leaves slowly unfolding, invisible to the naked eye. The forest was serene and moving, the grass even swayed lazily against the dull breeze. Complete concentration.

The white snake flashes across my vision, striking at my arm venomously. My eyes flash open, revealing a starkly different snake before me. My personal summon, Obake stares intently with his bright orange slitted eyes and flicks his tongue against the mossy green hue of his skin in wonder,” tell me about your time with the white snake.”

“I’m trying to concentrate, sage mode is kind of a tricky thing for us humans, y’know?” I mutter out, breaking focus and all natural energy becomes void.

“Listen, I’m still young compared to the others at Ryuchi cave. You’re my first ever contract, and I’m curious.” He slithers out, almost showing human emotions on his scaly face. When I was young, I never figured I’d be talking to a snake like I would a friend. I never figured I’d get bitten and learn the tedious path of learning sage mode, let alone I didn’t even know what it was.

“I was ten. I was on a mission as a Genin and lost my team. The white snake found me and offered to test my strength. If her venom killed me or weakened me, i’d be her next meal. If I survived, she would teach me the way of being an unstoppable kunoichi. That’s about it. The rest was up to me. I returned to my village two years later after being presumed dead, and now here we are, many years later.” I huff out, returning to a state of complete stillness, once again quickly interrupted,” so you have special powers because you didn’t die?”

I nod, feeling as the chakra flows to my face and Obake slithering closer,” why does the area around your eyes turn green when you become silent? That’s never happened before.”

“I’m not sure. I can’t say I notice things about my face without a mirror, Obake.” I state blankly, feeling an unsettling chakra move within our area.

“Someone powerful is near. Should we hide?” Obake whimpers out, becoming more puppy like than snake like.

“Obake, aren’t snakes supposed to be villainous and intimidating?” I laugh out, standing to climb around his neck and settle on his large head.

“Manda maybe. That Orochimaru guy and him gave us a bad name. Nobody in the cave really accepts either of them, they have too though. But they live in fear of them.” He slips out, stretching his head above the tree canopy to get a better view. A nature walk just outside the village always turns to trouble, but I choose to ease his worried mind,” Obake, Manda may be the boss, but neither of us have seen him in a while. You’re still growing and look how big you already are. Manda will be nothing but an easy obstacle for us in a few years time, if he hasn’t already met his match.”

The air whips my hair around, obstructing my view for only mere seconds. Apparently it was enough time for a black and red cloak to meld against the tree line and become dangerously close to us. I stand wobbly against Obake’s head and watch the erratic pattern they create.

“Should we get ready for conflict?” He asks. I sit down, conjuring a clone to gather chakra and energy in preparation,” I wouldn’t get too ahead of ourselves yet. It’s Akatsuki, but they may just be passing through. I highly doubt they want anything to do with us… but I am curious.”

I can’t help but to cup my hands around my mouth and shout down,” hey, just letting you know you’re trespassing.”

The figure stops in a tree adjacent to our view, looking up and down before sighing,” I assumed you were someone else, my apologies.”

“If you’re looking for that Orochimaru guy, I’d advise against it.” I laugh back, sitting down next to my comatose clone as the man comes even closer. He lands gently against Obake’s head, leaning down to let his dark eyes meet mine,”My brother. I’m looking for my brother. He’s younger than you, but I’ve heard he’s signed a contract much like yours.”

“I haven’t been to the cave in years. I honestly can’t be much help unfortunately. What’s his name? Obake can always ask around, can’t you?” I question, leaning down to meet one of Obake’s eyes.

“S-sure.” He stutters out, flicking his tail in nervousness. Obake was usually on high alert, but the man in front of us must be powerful to make a giant snake with deadly fangs question his own abilities.

“Sasuke. I must find him soon as my time here is short.” The man replies, coughing gently and leaning forward in exhaustion. I pull him down to sit next to me and raise an eyebrow,” by a short time, you just mean in this area right?”

“Unfortunately, no. Every power must come with a curse. I’m sure you understand. This contract of yours must have some downsides, am I correct?” He asks back. My body stills, thinking of the possibility of turning to stone. Or even the possibility of being stuck in a snake like form forever. I lean back, resting my head against my outstretched arms to look up at the sky,” turning to stone isn’t really an upside. Neither is becoming a snake… no offense Obake. What’s your name anyways?”

“It seems you’ve accepted fate pretty quickly. It’s nice to converse with someone in neutral territory instead of fighting for once. Itachi.” He groans out, leaning down lower and outstretching his hand. I take it begrudgingly, taking in his pale skin, and the smallest drop of blood tinting the side of his lip. His name was highlighted ten times over in the bingo book. We could have enough money to retire early and enjoy life, but seeing his current state, maybe it’s best he live the rest of his days in peace.

“I’m Y/N, this is Obake. The big question is, why are you trusting a stranger that could easily turn you in with your current state, Itachi?” I question, turning to him, seeing he too was watching the clouds,” trust is something you learn to look out for. And a fight with someone your level wouldn’t be worth fighting.”

“Someone my level? I’m not a god.” I chuckle, seeing his head tilt in amusement.

“Do you not realize sage mode is a powerful and dangerous thing to other shinobi? You’ve surely heard of the legendary Sannin of the leaf and their capabilities. You’ve obviously heard of Orochimaru at the least.” He utters out, almost baffled.

“Yeah, but gods are only immortal until they are overpowered. It only takes one wrong move to prove it’s been luck the whole time.” I huff. He tightens his lips in thought,” perfecting sage mode is not mere luck. It’s discipline and hard work. A sage is deserving of the title they’re given. The fact you’ve held a clone this long gathering chakra in fear of conflict, without even breaking a sweat or losing breath, proves the immense chakra you hold. A god is considered a god because of the immense power they were gifted.”

“Like I said, it’s all dumb luck. Not everyone can say they accidentally stumbled in to a cave, received a contract, and stuck with the whole insane idea of it. Let alone be born with enough chakra to power a whole village. It’s almost the same probability of becoming a tailed beast.” I reply blatantly, watching the next question form.

“Do you wish for normalcy? Like the life of a civilian?” Itachi fires back. I think for a moment. It would be an easy and quiet life. Maybe work in a bakery, closing down before evening, coming home every night. It sure would be easy. So easy it would be utterly boring. I shake my head,” no. Maybe be an average shinobi. Receiving simple missions that only last a few days. Escorting visitors of the village, or training academy students. Not dealing with high threat level targets such as the likes of you.”

“You really are quite a complex individual, Y/N. I’m almost appreciative our paths crossed.” He chuckles, finally regaining some strength. Surely it was the natural energy flowing through us from my clone and Obake. It was almost as if we sat atop a giant chakra charging pad. But it was almost time to cut the energy off. I tap his chest with my ring and middle finger just above his heart, something my mother would do when I was younger,” almost is a fine line. I’m sure that comes with the unfortunate curse of not being able to become attached to anyone or anything with your line of work.”

“I wouldn’t really call it work. But you’re right… What are you doing?” Itachi asks, reaching for my hand as I quickly pull it away.

My cheeks flush and I clear my throat, “Force of habit. My mom would do it, saying it connected us during heart to heart conversations like this.”

“I had a similar thing I would do to my brother. It was more so an act of love and adoration. I have weeks left at best, Y/N. Consider it a dying wish… a need, to find my brother.” He sighs, examining my wrist he clutched gently in his two hands, eyes trailing to the scarred over fang punctures. One hand rubs over the two deep divets,” you faced the option of death. I’m guessing at such a young age with these aged scars. I’m sure there was one last thing you wanted to do with the possibility of death looming over you, Y/N.”

“I face the possibility of death every breathing moment of my life. So I do what I want with the exception of assigned missions. Being this powerful, it was thankfully rare until recently. Your organization has been quiet as of recently though… It’s almost concerning. But I at least have a few days to rest with Obake. I do have to say, my last thought before being bit was how good some dango would taste. Then again, I was ten. There wasn’t much I’d experienced at that age to crave something one last time.” I yawn, finally removing my clone before continuing,”If it were now, I would’ve wished to love more, to eat more. Maybe make sure my mother was taken care of. But no one in my life is worth traversing the world in my final days.”

“It’s almost comical. Those of us who have nothing, want nothing but for others to feel loved. Those who have everything only want more. If all you wish for is love, why not seek it?” Itachi yawns contently, eyelashes fluttering slowly against the sunshine before revealing deep crimson eyes.

“I figured you’d be too weak to pull the sharingan on me. But I must say, you had me fooled, Itachi. I take it I’m already under a genjutsu, and you’re moments from killing me.” I sigh defeatedly. He shakes his head with a faint smile,” I am still too weak, Y/N. My sharingan may be strong and feared, but even I know not to start a fight I wouldn’t come close to winning. I am near my limit… I was going to offer a short vision of a life of love, as a thank you for our conversation.”

“It’s not worth your energy to show me something I can find on my own.” I smile back, secretly applying pressure against my palm to make sure he wasn’t lying. In turn, he grabs my hands,” I may be perceived as a merciless killer, but I was never a backstabber. Everything I’ve done has come with reason. It’s up to you to believe me.”

I grip against his hands, finally having the courage to stare intently in to his unblinking eyes,” i apologize if this is too forward. Instead of a vision, would you save your energy and just kiss me instead?”

“You are very forward, I can appreciate that… an odd request, but if that is truly what you wish.” He mumbles out, almost shy.

“I don’t want to be the reason you die before finding your brother. And I believe that even those that are dying… good or bad, deserve one last act of love.” I breathe out, noticing his now very close proximity. He tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear,” I truly wish I had time to learn more of your wisdom. In another life, I feel we would’ve been great friends, possibly even more. Alas, our paths have crossed at the wrong time. But I suppose a kiss will suffice, though a vision of us together could’ve been interesting for both parties.”

“Don’t tempt me, I’m trying to be nice here so you can have a family reunion before croaking.” I smugly reply, offering a soft clasp against his shoulder. He leans in, bringing the scent of fresh pine and campfire smoke. The true smell of a rugged nomad. A complex one at that. Today revealed he might not be the bad guy I see in the bingo book, but an unfortunate soul possibly forced to do another’s bidding. Cursed to face the effects of using a gift some god bestowed unto his clan. Gifts were starting to seem more and more like curses that have been sugar coated to me. Even Obake and I realize the struggle. Sure we accepted it, but one day we will do something about the corruption in Ryuchi cave. If not for us, for people similar to Itachi… Itachi himself. Even if it kills us.

My eyes dare to close against my will, denying me the satisfaction of letting the view of Itachi’s eyes fluttering closed. His hair frames against my cheeks as his lips brush smoothly against mine, waiting for the perfect moment. They finally connect, sealing our meeting and ingraining it permanently in my memories. The feeling of his lips pressing against mine causes anger to settle inside me. The poor luck of the worst timing. The stupidity of kissing one of the most wanted men in the nation, and liking it. My eyes remain closed and my head down as he pulls away, leaving a kiss against my forehead. I finally force them open, watching as Itachi leans backwards and raises a hand. My own hand raises, finding the area just above his heart. As my ring and middle finger taps against his chest, his middle and index finger make contact against the center of my forehead,” in another life, I will find you again, Y/N. A promise I will cherish this moment in the afterlife until we meet again.”

“Until we meet again, Itachi. I hope you find your brother… and peace. If I find you, I’ll make sure you have a proper burial. Even those who are misunderstood deserve to rest in peace.”

“Follow the crows. They’ll lead you to your desire.” He states, dropping his hand and melding away to black feathers in the wind dropping from flapping wings. Another thing I dreamed of had flown from my grasp in a heartbeat. And with every heart beat, I was one step closer to meeting the mysterious man in another life.

“Obake, why don’t you return home for the day. I think we’ve had enough training and adrenaline for today.” I mutter, laying on my stomach against his head, seeking comfort in the giant snake and the thing I trusted most.

“Y/N, do you think we’ll meet in another life as well?” He asks, dropping his head slowly to the ground. I giggle slightly,” of course, Obake. Now that I got you, I couldn’t live without you. But you will one day have to live without me. My life span is incredibly short compared to yours, but I’ll happily wait for you.”

“We’ll always be heroes, you and me. Unlike that guy, we still have time on our side. Right, Y/N?” He questions again with a concerned tone. I drop down to the ground and turn to place a hand between the slits of his nose, watching his eyes close in content,” always. We’ll start with small changes. But I promise that we will better Ryuchi cave and the shinobi lands soon. For now, we both need rest.”

He finally nods, disappearing with a cloud of smoke and a tired yawn with his tongue flicking high in the air.

It was a few hours until I returned home. The soft glow from the living room window reveals the sleeping figure of my mother, and I couldn’t wait to be in that state myself. My head hits the pillow, and it was the quickest sleep has claimed me since I was born.

Several days later, I find myself strolling the streets and stopping at multiple vendors. I find food for the next few days, preparing for a daunting mission at the end of the week. A flicker of movement to my left sets me on guard. Scanning the building ledges, I find a single black crow staring at me intently with familiar red eyes. My heart sinks, yet I feel at peace knowing Itachi held his promise. It’s wings take off against the wind and I’m quick to follow, beginning to sprint down the street and dropping my bags at the entrance of my house. Until I reach the treeline, I lose the crow several times, waiting for it to loop back around. Several minutes in the forest, I finally stop to summon Obake.

“Y/N! Is there danger? I thought your mission wasn’t until this weekend?” Obake yelps out, quickly dropping his head and letting me climb on.

“Follow the crow, Obake. It’s Itachi.” I pant out, kneeling down and keeping my eye on the bird floating gracefully ahead. Obake is silent for several moments, quickly slithering with precision through the forest,” so he was serious.”

“And so was I.” I choke out as the tears catch up with my thinking, pouring hotly down my cheeks.

We end at a desecrated battle field. Blood was splattered in multiple areas and rubble lay recklessly around. The crow perches against an old and decrepit stone foundation. It lets out a guttural caw before flapping away as I approach it. Itachi’s body lay still and cold, looking as if he were just resting like the other day.

“Obake, let’s take him to the forest. No one deserves to be left in deserted land. He deserves to be surrounded with life.” I mumble out, trying to lift him with a struggle. Obake finally comes close, using his tail to gently wrap around Itachi and setting him gently above his face. We both continue in in silence. My puffy eyes dart to his body every few seconds, hoping to find any sign of life and still knowing it wouldn’t be there. When we reach a clearing surrounded by a perfect circle of trees, I tap my hand against Obake,” What about here?”

“I think it’s perfect.” He replies, once again dropping down and lifting his tail to grab Itachis still form. Before i begin the daunting task, i take a moment to extend my to fingers to drop over his still heart, taking several seconds before pulling away. Digging a hole was hard knowing you would have an even harder time filling it. But it’s exactly what I do, pulling the excess dirt at the end to set a large stone down with Obake’s help. My kunai scratches against it noisily, carving words that hold meaning.

In another life. A trial of time stands between being reunited. A brother, a shinobi, a hero.

Anyone who happens to wander by, didn’t need to know he was ever seen as bad. Everyone deserves to be viewed as a hero, even if it is in death. I finally drive my kunai down in to the very top of the stone and stalk off to pick flowers at the edge of the clearing. When I return, Obake was coiled up and a fang missing from his mouth and now placed below the stone. As I arrange the flowers in a blanket like pattern, I laugh,” why did you suffer the pain of losing a tooth for a man we just met?”

“Same as you suffering the pain of a broken heart for a man we just met. I think we need to feel pain to heal, right? And now, there will always be a piece of us by his side.” Obake chirps out, resting his head against his curled body. I stifle another laugh, knowing the young snake knew very little of human emotion, yet tried so hard to understand.

“It’s a different kind of pain. It’s like the feeling of being drained after a hard fight knowing you still have to somehow make it home.” I explain, standing to make my way to the green serpent. I lay in the center if his tight circular form, relaxing as his body wraps protectively inwards.

“When you put it that way, then I suppose the only way to heal internal pain is rest.” He says, closing his eyes and flicking his tail to finish wrapping around me.

“I suppose you’re right.” I trail off in to a yawn before continuing,” if your other fang happen to fall out in the near future, can we make one in to a sword?”

Obake laughs in reply,” of course. But for now, we shall rest.”

And rest we shall, knowing Itachi was at peace, and somewhere waiting to uphold his promise. I made a personal promise to myself in that moment to make sure Itachi would never be forgotten, he was out there and prepared to watch us make the world a better place… starting with Ryuchi cave. It was useless to count how many heart beats it took until we finally meet again, but I would make the most of every beat, and every second it took… until we meet again.

[arlo-venn]

An abridged rundown of what’s been happening at home:

Tyrell is highly codependent and I am highly independent. For the few years I’ve lived here I’ve been very sick and in survival mode and had lost the majority of my friends when I became homeless, so I was around a lot for a long time. I got my gallbladder out, and am now less sick— I reconnected with a few old friends (not ones that left during homelessness) and started getting out and socializing more again. That’s when this all started. I was spending too much time with my friend Ellil, dropping things when she needs help and going to her (I will not be shamed for this), etc. She feels like I abandon her but we literally live together and do everything together so how am I supposed to leave the house at all without “abandoning” her??

Then, I met a girl and now she’s my girlfriend. Things really ramped up then. It was scaring me— I told her I needed to prioritize exploring this relationship and rebuilding my friendships and getting back out into society. I asked for space. I kindly and gently told her she was scaring me, reminded her that I have related traumas from previous abusive relationships and informed her that the way she was behaving around this stuff was pushing big trigger buttons. It didn’t stop. She guilts the hell out of me any time I leave the house. When I’m hanging out with her I can’t even get up to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen without her being like WHERE ARE YOU GOING!? and if I need to go lay down bc I am obviously very chronically ill, I’m guilted for that too. She has called me a bad friend and a shitty friend. She says I said that about myself and she is just agreeing. I did not say that about myself. I don’t think taking care of myself and prioritizing myself makes me a bad friend. I don’t think needing space makes me a bad friend. I don’t think me wanting time to explore a new relationship and spend time with people that I love outside of the house makes me a bad friend. I invite her all the time. She doesn’t want to come.

Then, I won my disability case, and everything ramped up to 100. I think she’s scared of me not Needing her anymore, of me acquiring the ability to leave here, when the money comes. She’s convinced herself that I’m obsessed with my gf. I’m not. I’ve talked to all of my other close friends about that to get their input, and not a single one of them shares that opinion. She just feels like I am bc it hurts her every time I mention her.

The more intense this gets, the more distant I become. The more distant I become, the more intense it gets. But on top of it all I cannot stop accepting financial help from her bc I don’t have the option to yet. And she never for even a second takes a moment to consider the power imbalance in this relationship or how that might affect the discussions around this.

I told her that her interpretation of my feelings around my gf were incorrect, and she told me I was gaslighting her bc she’s “witnessed it.” Thomasine said something about how I don’t let them know when I’m going to be leaving the house or coming back or how long I’ll be gone and that really freaked me out. I’m a 30 year old adult woman person. I am not the romantic partner of these people. They are my friends. I don’t have to report my comings and goings to them. I won’t do it. We literally have life360. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, I don’t make plans in advance I play my days by ear— it’s all very spontaneous bc I can’t predict what’s going to be going on with my body, you know? And all my friends operate that way, too. I’m not doing anything wrong.

I’m scared. I can’t continue the conversation because I don’t have anything to say that she’s going to want to hear which is what makes her communication turn toxic and immensely triggering for me. I’m not just gonna be like “you’re right I suck I will spend more time at home with you and I will like my girlfriend less for your comfort” and anything short of that is going to be unsatisfying to her. It was so bad yesterday that I fled with Arlo. I had to come back. I have to be here for now. But I need to leave. This is not healthy and I’m scared.

[ace-of-artemis]

6 of cups rev

moving on from the past

7 of cups rev

gaining clarity

king of swords

adding more structure to my life, more self discipline

lately has been a time of a lot of reflection. a lot of thinking, a lot of retreating into my own brain space, a lot of sitting with myself in a way where I relieve myself of judgment, and it’s been so edifying to my spirit. genuinely. I’ve spent the last several years wrestling with myself, with god, with angels, demons, anything I could fight with it seems and I feel like I’ve finally come to a reprieve. like maybe I’ve finally done what the powers that be, the universe, god, whom or whatever has wanted me to do this whole time. I am so goddamn mean to myself, meaner than anyone outside of me could ever hope to be I think. I think I’m finally figuring out how talk to myself the way I should have been talked to as a child. without so much..harshness I suppose. none of this is to say I’m anywhere near done but god it feels so good to be out of the doldrums. I’ve been in fight/flight/etc survival mode for a very very long time and I think my nervous system is finally calming down to where maybe I can just savour life. My life is so much better than it has ever been despite there being things that I wish were better or slightly different or completely different. I feel like I can rest here a while and do what I need to do while I wait for the chapter I want so badly. I’ve wanted to get out of the city I’m in for several years now and that’s a distinct possibility in the next handful of years and that’s comforting despite the discomfort that comes with all that change. I feel like I’m going to be okay.

[shae-s-heartsong]

On unusual reactions and complex situations (GO2 ending)

So, I see a lot of interesting theories, analyses and speculations about what happens at the end of S2 out there, and regardless of if I agree with them or not, I keep track of everything, because every perspective is interesting and enriching.  I do observe, though, that a lot of these posts assume things about how Aziraphale and Crowley react (and I mean, I DO THAT AS WELL), and use these assumptions as arguments for their theories - without nuancing them.

The thing is that we don’t exactly know for sure what happened exactly in both our character’s heads; and we don’t know how they are supposed to react to the situation. Because we never had such a situation. YES, we had similar situations, which helps to have an idea of what’s normal or what’s not, or at least what is usual. But that’s just what it is. Ideas. And while it is totally valid to try to make a point and use the examples and clues we have, it is important to nuance them, if you theorize (speculating is a different thing). If I’m writing that, it’s because a lot of people seem to focus on the fact that Crowley’s reaction after Aziraphale left is unusual and like I said, use that as an argument.

From what I read, it seems difficult to imagine that Crowley’s so calm and still, that he barely shows anything, that he’s not getting angry or shouting or something like that. To that, I want to answer: by what standard? Why do you assume that he should ALWAYS react the same way to things that affect him? And why does his body language seem so strange to so many people?

Personally, I didn’t find that strange (but I am autistic so not the biggest authority for that tbh). In fact we already saw him reacting in similar ways.  Now I know that I said that it wasn’t enough of an argument, but I read many people saying that we didn’t. But we did. For example, after Aziraphale and him had an argument because of Gabriel, when he goes to his car, he looks absolutely exhausted and he probably would have stayed like that if Beelzebub did not appear in his car.

I know that this happens after he gets angry, but it still proves that he can show that type of behavior, if he’s tired enough. We can reasonably imagine that the kiss he gave to Aziraphale was a gesture of despair and replaced the “I���m getting angry” phase. We can also imagine that Aziraphale still rejecting his offer (which in his mind is probably rejecting him) after THREE different attempts to make him change his mind (1- try to convince him 2- kiss him 3- wait for him) was enough to just absorb all of his energy, all of his anger, all of his frustration. Maybe he’s just DONE. Maybe he just doesn’t always react that way. I mean, he was so close to obtaining what was, in his eyes, happiness. It’s something that never happened before - at least not with Aziraphale so close to say yes. Can you imagine how crushing that must be for him to let go of that hope?  And well, maybe the anger will come. After. Things only just happened. He’s still processing them. 

I could go on and talk about other details that seem to bother people but it’s rather useless -  I mean, maybe I’m wrong, and also, I think that there are pieces that we might not have yet. It’s just that I’m frustrated when people don’t go for reasonable assumptions before diving into more obscure theories (using these primal elements as introduction or simply nuance).

And I’m frustrated when people say that Crowley, or Aziraphale, shouldn’t react the way they do - I know that details matter in Good Omens, but also, you can’t expect them to exhibit the exact same behavior in situations with different degrees of stakes. (I don’t know if I make sense). And I think this is one of the most complex, delicate situations they have ever been in - after centuries of living in survival mode, they finally come to the crashing point where there life model isn’t enough anymore, when even the love they share for each other is no longer enough - because their belief systems, their desires and the state of their trauma processing are on complete opposition. And they have to finally face it - without the other. This is unprecedented. 

[bandofchimeras]

AUTISM TALK

okay so this thing is dancing around in my brain so let's talk about it:

Observation: part of being heavily addicted to the Internet & "over sharing" is this longstanding compulsion to share every single thought that passes thru my brain, plus low impulse control.

and when I try to get offline and NOT be poasting

I end up attaching to a couple people who I want to share ALL MY THOUGHTS with instead.

Unfortunately!

They often find this to be overwhelming confusing and it generally doesn't end well. Many thoughts are sort of? bad? or unhelpful or contradictory. Or the unfortunate Sacrificial Victims are just, unsettled at being Assigned this role with no consent process.

It turns out sharing every single thought, story and theory that passes through your mind is not a great way to give someone an accurate snapshot of who you are. That might work if they were,,,, studying you like a bug,,,,, but most people want to do other stuff, like hang out, work on projects, live everyday life.

Communication, it is generally agreed, is meant for dialogue and collaboration not one way infodumps. This is why so many allistics get paranoid bout autists being HORRIBLE NARCISSISTS. They feel uncomfortable being selected for a File Transfer. Not honored (as they should)

Which is why it is SO NECESSARY 4 AUTISTIC MENTAL HEALTH to DEVELOP SPECIAL INTERESTS! And prioritize them!

And spend time alone with them, or with people who share them or are at least fascinated enough to listen to you for a long time, or find a place to publish your Observations.

Cuz when your brain is a Massive Complex Thought Generator, like a MACHINE built specifically for Recording and Reporting Data......trying to hold back the his impulse leads to buildup, anxiety, distress, and eventually meltdown, and burnout.

Now, the next instinct (spilling thoughts everywhere to everyone or, exclusively to a Special Person Who is Supposed to Love You Completely like a parent.....ahhhh there's that connection between BPD and ADHD/autism and rejection) , leads to Others Being Overwhelmed By Being Assigned as Your Processing Unit.

This doesn't go well.

A Special Interest and a Supportive Community provide a structure, material that can capture and hold your attention and lo, you begin to Produce Thoughts that are Helpful or Desired by At Least Some People!

this is a positive feedback system. You feel like you are contributing to human knowledge, validated, held and respected. Your thoughts are not being treated as dangerous, unwanted garbage but as interesting, at least some of the time!

Basically what I'm proposing is that autistic/ADHD people who get traumatized early on, into survival hyper focusing on other people (or just have hypersensitive nervous systems that require a lotta coregulation and don't get it) in order to calm their own nervous systems, reroute the Neutral impulse to Study and Analyse, into an Unhelpful Area (analysing other people and wanting to be analysed as a primary form of relationship).

Partially, andist destructively, out of a fundamental belief Something is Deeply Wrong with ourselves, or others. We want to diagnose, inspect, fix - notttttt a greatttt mode for emotional bonding.

At least the Analysis is helpful to survive the Abuse, and figure out social rules (somewhat).

But after you get out of an abusive or invalidating environment, you're left isolated with a coping mechanism that only draws more chaos to you because you are literally LOOKING for problems.

Most people who want to be studied or study you are...kinda interpersonally Off? Like want to pathologize you, or be pathologized, or are narcissistic and want to be the center of your universe, or are codependent and want to put you on a pedestal and hand you all their agency.

Like, I am/have been one of these people a d there's a reason it is off-putting.

It's not necessarily morally evil.

Just, it doesn't click with people who are trying to chill, or enjoy your company, or want to simply be enjoyed and loved and celebrate what we can on this planet while we are here.

I'm not saying it's bad to, like, memorize facts about loved ones.

I am not trying to shame analysis as a form of autistic love. But it unfortunately is a way of loving that is vulnerable to becoming one being targeted for exploitation and abuse!!!

People will feed off your careful anxious attention and demand more and more, or be revulsed by it and call you a creep. Or you can get like, fixated on someone and dissect and pick them apart.

When people don't understand they simply are being made a Special Interest, or they do understand that and use it to trauma bond you to them (turns out once you're attached in this way, it's very difficult to leave without total meltdown no matter how bad they treat you), things get icky sticky.

Whether your Special Interesting at them is for abuse survival instincts on your part, id just because you think they are neat, it can also feel pretty objectifying on their end. Who wants to feel like they're on display in a museum? Me, and other kinky freaks who enjoy objectification

Because HERES THE CATCH: the point of a Special Interest is to regulate your nervous system. To some people, their primary purpose being to soothe you?

that feels like being used.

It /can/ be beneficial for the object of interest (think SpInNing about your local ecosystem and going out to do trash pickup or clear out invasive plants) or it can be destructive (think forming limerant attachment to a person you barely know and stalking them). But its best to find something for yourself that is nice and neutral.

You don't need to know every fact about the Kirby universe lore. It doesn't really help anyone, no one can really exploit your interest in that, but it is also harmless. You are simply, having fun by mapping out a nice little imaginary world someone else built :)))))

I would argue with many others that this is why fanfic writing, is such a solid healthy thing to do for yourself! Or making an online encyclopedia If that's your vibe.

SO

If you have someone in your life you are attaching to in this intense SpIn way, especially if you've been diagnosed with BPD, I'd highly recommend talking about it with a competent therapist who has lived experience with AuDHD, or even the person in question if it's safe to do so. Let them know what's going on, and make a plan to help deal with your intense feelings, and meet your needs in a way that doesn't violate theirs.

The more educated you are about your own mind, and condition, the more you can figure out what you need to manage unwanted behaviors that are causing you distress, find support, and create a life that loves & delights in you as you are! Instead of punishing you for it. ❤️💚❤️‍🩹💞🖤

We lose too many of our community to self hatred and misplaced energy and abuse.

And for myself, it's felt key to recovery, to understand that I cannot let go of over sharing on the internet as a coping mechanism until I find another place for that intense energy to go, such as a creative community or a consistent outlet for writing, or someone who really enjoys infodumping and wants it in their ear all the time.

I've wasted a lot of time sort of lonely talking to myself online, not understanding why I can't make friends, but too afraid of myself to let myself get interested in other people.

In some sense this addiction has been harm reducing, by decreasing the pain of unrequited attachments. But it's past it's expiry date and I am happy to know, I don't even really want to date seriously until I'm back in my creative rhythms. Because it's dangerous for me, emotionally.

:)

I had to spend 3 decades doing pretty much nothing but figuring all this out to face my deepest inner shame (feeling like a Creep and unworthy of human belonging or life itself) and now y'all get to hopefully benefit from that introspection.

SO if this helped you, you're stably housed, and wanna help a broke disabled and barely employed autistic transexual survivor stay housed in November, here is my links ❤️:

CashApp $kalc1fer

Venmo @/kalcifer

Okay thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Sometimes I wish I had the follow through to apply to grad school and publish some studies on this stuff but my brain only good for like, one task a day.

[fire-branded]

On this episode of, "I'm Not Doing What I'm Supposed To Be Doing, So Have A Headcanon Instead While I Struggle To Plot With Folks And Write Replies":

I don't think I've ever talked about Miles's collar before.

But Vonny, isn't it just an exact copy of XIV's Lone Wolf neckpiece, because you rely way too much on XIV GPOSES for Miles? Well, yes. That is also true. BUT IT'S ALSO NOT THE POINT, ME.

As you can see, the collar is gold with red jewels. I picked that one, rather than one of the others, specifically because of the jewels being red -- for Rosaria. Because no matter what, Miles is still Elwin -- and Rosarian -- at heart, and nothing will ever change that.

The big reason for the collar is, of course, to hide the scar around his neck from Phoenix Gate. Originally, I was just going to have him wear a simple leather one, but you know what, fuck the rules, I'm canonizing this one once and for all. Whereas when he was first liberated, he really did just wear fabric or leather chokers to hide it, the super awesome totally not irrelevant-to-anyone-that-isn't-me lore behind his fancy one is that he had it crafted by Blackthorne.

The fact that in the model, there is a wolf head on it is completely unintentional and coincidental, but you had best believe I am going to take this coincidence and run with it for the whole Hellhound thing. Because even at its barest bones level, without taking into account any of the actual, large symbolism behind hellhounds -- as one would expect, and like all Bearers are, before Miles's liberation he was treated like a dog, passed around from one master to another only to be abused and threatened in attempts to make him be "obedient".

But now, he's his own master. He gets to choose what he does and how he lives his life.

And also I cannot overstate the fact that his physical appearance as Miles is meant to resemble a disheveled dog, in contrast to his appearance before The Night of Flames. (Although him looking like that is more because he's still in Survival mode from his many years as a Bearer, where he wasn't in a position to worry or even care about his appearance -- and he hasn't fully realized that he is actually safe now.)

[thelampisaflashlight]

Every so often I have to remind myself that, "Yeah, bud, you went through a lot of shit." because someone will say something to me like I wouldn't understand, either because I've masked my trauma well enough, or they, for one reason or another, have decided that pain is somehow a contest, and that even referencing my own issues is me going, "Oh, poor, poor pitiful me!"

When, really, it's me going, "Oh, huh, I can kind of relate to that, but I don't really want to say, 'Ah, that's relatable' because that kind of downplays the whole thing-"

Oftentimes, when I talk about what I've gone through, it's more so to just... get it out there, I suppose.

And, although I'm not my trauma, I am the person it made of me.

It is part of who I am.

A weird, squiggly pile of something in my gut.

But, going back to the beginning...

I have to remind myself, sometimes, that I went through the things I did, because, like a lot of people who have trauma, I am still existing in survival mode.

And when you're trying to survive, you don't put much thought to the things you've already endured, just what'd going on now.

So you when you're worked up/anxious about things going on in the present, you're not looking back and thinking, "Well, I've gone through worse-"

Because the circumstances you were under then were different, they were extraordinary in the grand sense, not a good one.

Just because I am getting anxious over something small despite having dealt with greater problems in the past does not invalidate how I am feeling -then or now- nor does it diminish the pain and suffering of others.

However, there are times when a problem we might be facing needs to take a sideline to something else, because of the circumstances/nature of that problem.

For example; A printer being jammed and needing fixing is annoying and definitely something that needs to be taken care of, but if Steve from marketing has just hurt his leg on the stairs and needs help getting to the urgent care, Steve takes priority in this case.

This doesn't mean the printer being jammed suddenly stops being a problem though, or that no one cares about it being jammed/that someone won't come back around and go, "Okay, what can I do to help with this?"

It just means some things require more immediate action.

So, like, sometimes I'm the person dealing with the printer -or maybe I am the printer in some metaphorical sense- and other times I'm Steve.

And sometimes someone else is Steve, and, maybe, I'm Dave from accounting, who knows Steve and is worried about him.

Or, maybe, hell, maybe I'm Kyle, who doesn't know Dave or Steve or that the printer is jammed, and I just want to get my day over with, but there's other things going on so I have to wait until it's done to proceed.

Oftentimes, I am Kyle.

Waiting for the appropriate time to send a meme in the groupchat after someone just talked about something stressful.

Which is why other channels exist.

Also worth noting that being a "Kyle" in that sort of situation is not a bad thing.

Sometimes we're just in our own lane.

Something, something, I'm just rambling at this point, but yeah.

Today I'm the printer, but I'm good.

Just running low on magenta, ya know?

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Growing up is so weird. Yes, I'm 35, and I still say I'm growing up. I feel like that's literally what life is, and when I say I aspire to be like someone I admire when I grow up, then that is literally what I mean. I'm growing up literally as I type this and it's kind of fucking amazing. I am always in search of ways to absorb as much as I can about the things I care about and I'm always trying to figure out how to break away from the coping mechanisms I learned when I was young because that's one of the biggest parts of growing up as an adult. I feel bad for the people who are always in a rush to have it all figured out right now.

I truly believe that life was never meant for us to get it all figured out right now. If you're 25 and upset you're not married with a white picket fence and 3 perfect symmetrical children or promoted to the high up position at a company you just started working at a year ago or anything else that you're doing to hide from the actual work everyone of us should be doing.

Stop trying to race to the end of the story. It's your story, and you're skipping ahead and missing the key moments in your life. Success is not measured by some fucked up belief that you're supposed to be best you can be right now. That leaves so little room for growth. This entire world came to be because of evolution and evolution is a painful and long process. Success isn't based on having it all right now. Success is based on whether or not you are choosing to evolve instead of saying, "That's just the way I am" or "This is how I was raised" or believing that being miserable is okay with you because you fear change.

Change is scary, but it's also exciting and completely necessary. We can all choose to leave old mentalities behind. We're allowed to change our minds about anything we choose, and we are most certainly allowed to continue to learn from our mistakes. If you're down on your luck or feel trapped in your own life, then you need to start asking yourselves the right questions. Instead of saying "why is this always happening to me" or "I guess I deserve this horrible thing that happened to me" or the worst of all: Believing that being an adult means you can't change a bad situation you're in or an ongoing negative cycle you continue to engage in because somewhere along the way society told you that being adult equalled being miserable and this is your lot in life then please hear me out. We all have the capacity to change our situations, our poor habits, and coping skills we only learned while engaging in survival mode. This is not some big huge moment that takes place, and poof all of the sudden, your life is everything you dreamed. Sorry, I wish it was, but change happens when and ONLY WHEN we decide we MUST change. Time will go on and one day you'll turn around and realize you're happy, or life is going really well, and all you had to do was realize the only person responsible for your experience is yourself.

Take responsibility for your own life, stop comparing it to all the other dicks on social media, and do something different. Your situation or whatever it is will eventually get better but not by some fake movie grand gesture. It's a culmination of a lot of really small moments that you can miss and rushing to the end of your story without gratitude for what you actually have in this life is not living. It's not engaging, and it's definitely not showing up to your own life. That is hurtful behavior to not only yourself but the people around you that count on you.

Do a deep dive, figure out your thing, consult experts or literature if needed, and start openly talking about the things that matter to you without apology .It's your story, and you have the power to choose the right ending for yourself.

[holisticdetective42]

Three years. Three years I’ve survived in this god forbidden wasteland. All for what? To be surrounded? To be trapped in a fucking grocery store at my wits end with nearly no supplies and at least three Drainer ships outside? They came for the water. It’s ironic, I used to pride myself on keeping others hydrated and now… well I’ve watched everyone die. At least Flo went quickly. She was always so beautiful and cheery, I couldn’t have watched her slowly dehydrate like the rest. Not when she was always so happy. Besides, she always said she was nothing without her work. I shake my head, but it makes me a little wobbly. I shouldn’t even be standing right now. That damn insurance. Flo was always in work mode, selling to anyone with a car or a house. We were always so different, she was all about her job and I worked kids birthday parties for fuck’s sake. The kids used to love me, I’d do tricks while my wife sold their parents insurance. I never felt particularly bad for the insurance bit, as my tricks usually ended in property damage.

When they came, most didn’t know what to do. Flo was killed by drainers in the first week, shot right through the head because she thought being friendly with them might work. I was a little smarter. As long as I could get to a spot the drainers wouldn’t find, I could get into almost any building and be safe. I always had a talent for getting into places, and it was for that that I gathered a small group around me. Just a few people, but they didn’t mind how large I was or my unconventional looks. Something about the apocalypse makes you overlook the superficial differences. We lost most of the crew when the drainers learned English, started sounding like humans. It was just me and peanut until… well until today. He’d always been a little out of touch but I felt close to him. We were in the same boat really, before the drainers. Now it’s just me. Alone in the supermarket, and I have no plan, no ideas. Those were never my strong suit, I’m more of a burst-in-swinging kind of guy.

But I can hear them talking now. The drainers.

“The large strange one went in there. Should we follow?”

“I’m not sure. Was that red stuff… was it blood? The stuff that normally comes out of them? It looked different.”

“I’m sure it didn’t. And it’s alone after we killed the other thing. I think following it in and killing it quickly might be best.”

I hear the front doors to the store shatter, but I am too weak to move. At least they’re coming to me. I’m not sure exactly what it takes to kill me, but I know I could take at least two of these fuckers before I go down for good. I hear them approaching. They’re close now. Following my trail, I’m sure. I see the first one and he’s ugly as all hell.

“Are you prepared to die, earthling?”

I don’t dignify that with a response. The second one rounds the corner.

“Idiot, the ones leaking this much never say anything.”

“Just following protocol.”

The first one raises his weapon and points it at me. I wait for the shot because I want to see the look on the dumb fuck’s face. He pulls what I suppose should be described as a trigger and I feel the shot hit somewhere near my face. I can see red pouring out of me and I look down to put my finger in it. It occurs to me I’ve never tried any, so I take a taste. I’m fucking sweet, energizing, and delicious. I look up at the drainer and I see every other one I’ve killed. I see the one that took Flo from me. I look up at him and his friend and I stand until I tower over them as their faces on tort in what I can assume is fear. They haven’t seen this happen before. Now I’m looking down at them, right in the first one’s eyes, and I only have two words.

“OH YEAH!”

[blindedbythedarkness]

Man everything just feels so shit. I mean it IS so shit. Life is an utter dystopia and I'd like to say I can't imagine it getting any worse, but I'm sure it'll find a way.

This is just statewide eugenics and mass murder now. It's not even safe to seek healthcare. It's so incredible to me how we got to this point- I honestly half expect people to point out the hidden cameras any moment because surely so many people can't be this stupid?

That's what they are. Stupid. I'm not supposed to say that outloud or on any of the social media where I'm even halfway identifiable. It wouldn't be "nice" or "professional". But these people are stupid, selfish, inhumane, single brain-celled, murderous cunts. And that only goes about halfway to describing them. I never thought I could hold so much sustained hate for so many people, but it just keeps growing. I fantasize about hurting every one of them, to be quite honest- they have no qualms with actually hurting me.

Unlike most mass murdering-type scenarios I've heard about, in this case I can't even fantasize about moving away from it. Where would I go? More or less the whole western world has become like this (thank you Great Barrington Declaration etc etc) and I have no idea how I'd even begin to learn the language in the few good places left.

The only way out of this is through, if I'm lucky enough to survive that long. Time is the only parameter that might offer any kind of relief, since location seems off the table. Small steps are being made, I'm pushing some of them myself (though I can't really talk about them publicly), but its slow progress. It feels like one step forwards, two steps back. Maybe there'll be a better vaccine? Maybe places will properly clean the air? Maybe enough people will realise they hate getting sick enough to wear a mask? Maybe a whole new pandemic will arise and it'll be so bad that the protections from that will wipe out SARS2 in the process? Either way, more people are gonna die and worse in the meantime.

I really am so deep in depression now. It's not even depression, it's survival mode. It's just constant stress from constant threats to my existence, sometimes even without stepping out the front door. It feels like PTSD waiting to happen, only I wish it would happen because then at least we'd be "Post". I just feel totally numb and lonely and just in total despair. The pain and lumb in my chest never goes away. I'd say I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, but what choice do I have?

I'm so ready for this to be over. Properly, really, truly over. I'll never forget what people did and likely never forgive. But to be able to live a life feeling actually truly safe would be a dream. I long to be able to have the emotional capacity again to actually just feel happy.

I saw a post on here not long ago that said something like "'this too shall pass' but I really wish it'd pass a bit quicker". That is entirely the mood right now.

[katyspersonal]

Hi I just saw your lore posts on Arianna and Cainhurst

It reminded me that I wanted to ask about the League. Do you think they were basically Yharnam’s police?

I do think that Vermin is one of the possible reflections of human dregs or otherwise a way to reflect the evil, and we do know that the rune of Impurity was discovered thanks to Valtr!

I am using this ( x ) retranslation document, and interestingly, localisation and either of translators versions say that the rune was found 'inside' of Valtr, not BY Valtr! So I presume that because he ate a beast, there were strange vibrations coming from within him, that Caryll or someone familiar with Caryll's rune language deciphered and wrote down (Adeline and Ludwig prove that other people can discover new runes on their own).

^ My inspiration for there being multiple ways to envision human dregs was the fact that on the Clocktower dial, there is a rune that looks similar but not the same, and I always felt like it was someone else's vision of the concept!

So yeah, for a long while I was thinking that Impurity was supposed to reflect Valtr's personal vision of evil, that supposedly would have to include a lot of broken laws too. But now I think its more likely that it was rigged by the concept of HOW Impurity was discovered! Whether Valtr was consciously trying to process whatever weird Insight he received upon eating a beast or someone basically just leaned an ear close and listened to his body, in either case - this concept of human dregs is tied to beasthood. And why beasts are bad? Well, because they eat their own, are blood-hungry, etc etc.

In offline mode, Vermin can be found by killing Old Hunters that have red glowing eyes instead of mob's regular yellow:

Red eyes appear to be special for beasts too - Abhorrent Beasts have them, many Beast Patients have them (that we all know have especially poisoned blood, I speculated it was the use of blood from Blood-Starved Beast ( x )), a special scourge beast that deals poison damage in Old Yharnam has them... Choice of red eyes feels like displaying very massively spoiled blood. But you also can get Vermin if you fight a boss with a League confederate and the confederate survives, so: Ludwig, Laurence, Paarl (beasts); The One Reborn and Shadows of Yharnam (have to do with cursed Pthumerian rituals); Rom and Living Failures (both are associated with lumenwood that reaches for the stars to be saved from curse of beasts, however Rom is also a spider person like Patches but with 999+ more Insight, so maybe blood/Pthumerian bit too).

So yeah... I tried to find some system here, but not only in online mode you get Vermin out of ANY hunter you defeat in PvP, but also Valtr himself talks about how Vermin is pretty much everywhere. So, as long as someone's blood is taunted by hunt/beasthood/ministration/whatever else, he (and anyone that keeps the rune in mind) will find Vermin in their body. And in Yharnam it is... well... EVERYONE...

I presume the post about Arianna inspired you to send this ask because she is supposedly on Valtr's hit list as a sex worker, so I will just say the goals of the League are different from that. Sure maybe in his constable past he would try to close her booth, but times have changed and the only reason he'd have something against her is by sensing Vermin in her. That might even come off especially strongly because Vilebloods are "cursed"; but at the same time, it might not even be there because they exclude themselves from the circle of blood and hunt the way hunters and the Healing Church do it and their "beasthood" manifests differently! It is up to interpretation what's up with Vilebloods, though I do like the idea that ironically they do not have human dregs (at least as they are present in others), and poor Shadows of Yharnam only became exception because of getting infested with snakes who DO have Vermin!

Another bit about 'police' comparison is that the League appears to be a hidden society, whose mission is so insane that virtually it means killing everyone - perhaps with taking their own lives when they're done. Rather than ensuring certain 'rules' are followed and punishment follows only if they are broken, they are in the position where the single 'rule' (to not be the "filth") is broken by everyone or almost everyone ALREADY, and they are exterminating ones like that. It is more like... idk, a secret society of fanatics. A cult, sort of? Actually:

League more or less shares the same mindset as what School of Mensis is doing - forcing themselves to be redpilled about whatever horrors lurk within world of humanity! Forcing oneself to look at something that is everywhere and presumably there is nothing TO do about it besides either killing everyone or killing yourself. Only, League doesn't have a cage that (presumably) lets the person to handle it without mental pain. League confederates only have their own willpower and guts to carry them through it (RIP Yamamura).

TLDR; I am not sure whether Valtr would judge Arianna or not, but his problem with fellow humans by now evolved into higher plane (but at the same time into more basic plane...?) so he'd definitely not bother. UNLESS vile-blood is corrupting as well, and Arianna sharing it with hunters would count as spreading human dregs (ie Vermin). THEN Arianna is dead. Overall I think if he found a person who is clearly a harm on the society but just HAPPEN to not be filthied by Vermin, he'd still not get them off the hook easily. Just that the League as it is doesn't deliberately police the bad guys, but exterminates the ones with impure blood; simply doing the SWIPER NO SWIPING could've been just a fun light-hearted change of the pace for them.