#that’s the survival mode talking. but like what am i supposed to do now. i feel like a fucking shell of a person. like the only thing that

[jackett-slut]

ok sorry if this sounds fucking insane. i need to write something out.

[xxoxobree]

The Boy Is Mine

Miles Morales x Black Fem Spider-person Reader v Gwen Stacy.

Summary: He saved you and She didn’t want to and maybe she was right because the boy is now yours.

WARNINGS: Fighting, bad words, I think that’s it.

A/n: I was tied!!! Of seeing Miles cheat with Gwen so I took matters into my own hands. This is probably one of the best stories I’ve ever written too so don’t skip. I had so much fun writing this.

For the past 2 years, you've been the one and only Spider-woman. Everyone knows the story by now, bitten by a radioactive spider, and now you spend your time protecting the city. Everything was going great. Or that's what you wanted to believe as you fought Wilson Fisk, a person who is supposed to be behind bars. This Wilson was different - bigger, stronger, he was giving you a run for your money.

"What have they been feeding you at the Raft, Willie?" You quipped as you dodged a punch. "Haha, missed me," you said, landing a punch combo to his jaw.

"You stupid spiders are always in the way," he said, managing to catch you off guard, knocking you back. This fight is definitely gonna take a while.

"Who are you anyway, where's Spider-Man?" Fisk asked, walking menacingly toward you as you lay on the floor to catch a breath.

"I don't get paid enough for this," you said, getting up, squaring up with the large man.

Spider-Man, what are you talking about, Fisk?" You asked the man leaping backwards, dodging all of his hits.

"Enough of this talk, this ends now," Fisk said, running toward you. You charged back, your fist balled, about to strike, but he dodged and caught you by your throat.

"Another spider under my belt," Fisk said, laughing as he squeezed your throat. Gasping for air, you tried your best to break free from his grip, but your vision began to fade out. Your strength left you, and your eyes began to close. All you wanted to do was sleep, but you blinked your eyes again. Maybe you were hallucinating from the lack of oxygen, but a portal with glowing lights appeared, and two other spider personas flew forward, knocking Fisk out. You dropped to the floor, gasping for air, but still fainted in the process.

You probably weren't out for long, but you heard faint voices, a female and a male.

"What do we do, Gwen? We can't just leave her here."

"Miles, what are we supposed to do? We can't take her back to HQ."

You were too weak to actually open your eyes to see who was talking. Too weak to stop them from kidnapping you and taking you to wherever HQ was. You tried to let out a small groan, but it was useless.

"That's exactly what we need to do, Gwen. She needs medical care."

"Ughhh.... Fine, you grab her."

You heard footsteps move towards you, and your body being lifted before you succumbed to the darkness around you again.

✨HQ✨

Your bloodshot eyes shot open as you sat up, feeling around for your mask that wasn't on your face. You heard the fast-paced beeping of a heart monitor, letting you know your heart rate was up as you ripped all the pads off of you, standing ready to leave the room before two people came walking inside. You immediately got in defense mode as you studied them - an older man in a blue suit with a spider on the front, and a younger boy about your age in a black suit, also with a spider on the front.

"Where the fuck am I, and who are you?" you said, pointing.

"Welcome to HQ, Spiderwoman. I'm Spider-Man, and he's Spider-Man. Glad you survived. Miles, I'll leave you to it," the older man in the blue suit said, walking away.

Miles walked closer to you, setting off your spider senses. You closed one of your eyes, moving your head to the side, resting your hand on your head. "Don't come any closer," you said.

You're probably not used to that, but you're like me, it does that sometimes. I'm Miles.

"Yeah, I got that from earlier," you said, flopping back on the hospital cot, still very much in pain.

Miles wasn't in the room when they took off your mask, so this was the first time he saw your face. He scanned every detail of your face, taking in the way your plump lips formed into a natural pout, or maybe that was just because you were in pain. The way your brown eyes sparkled under the bright white light, he couldn't help but be captivated by your gaze. He loved your braids and the way your pink beads rattled every time you moved.

Miles felt something stir in the pit of his stomach the longer he looked at you. Maybe it was just gas from the spicy food he ate earlier, he thought, in denial of the growing attraction he felt for a stranger.

"Well, aren't you gonna tell me your name?" Miles finally mustered the courage to ask.

You turned to face him, the pain momentarily forgotten as you observed his silly smirk. You weren't usually the friendliest person, but there was something about Miles that felt different, something that made you want to open up.

"I'm Y/n," you replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

Nice to meet you Y/n," Miles said, offering his hand. You looked at it. "I'd shake your hand, but I'm in too much pain right now," you said, causing both of you to laugh. There it was, that fluttering feeling in the pit of Miles' stomach again as he watched a beautiful smile grace your face.

"So, what is this place and why am I here?" you asked Miles, curiosity shining in your eyes. "This is the Spider Society. We brought you here because you were in bad shape from fighting Fisk," Miles explained. You coughed a bit. "Yup, he whooped my ass," you said, making both you and Miles burst into laughter again.

Unbeknownst to the two of you, Gwen stood outside the door, her eyes fixed on the scene unfolding inside. With each word you said to Miles, with each chuckle you elicited from him, the flames of jealousy ignited within her. Unable to bear it any longer, she burst into the room, startling both you and Miles.

"What the fuck? You didn't even have to do all that, shawty," You exclaimed. Miles stood up, a look of surprise on his face. "Gwen, this is Y/n, Spider-woman, the one we helped," he explained, pointing toward you.

"Oh, hi. I'm glad you're okay," Gwen said, her words laced with a hint of insincerity.

This your girl Miles ?" You asked.

"No, no." They both said in unison dragging their o's. It was obvious to you that there was more to the story by the way she busted into the room but that was none of your business.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, Y/n. We should get going," Gwen said, gently tugging Miles towards the door.

Before leaving, Miles tossed you a watch that you effortlessly caught. "Maybe we can see each other again," he said, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. You smiled, watching him walk away.

"Hmmm," you hummed, examining the watch before clasping it onto your wrist. "Maybe we will, Spider-Man."

As Gwen and Miles made their way through the headquarters, Miles couldn't ignore Gwen's evident distress. He studied her face and body language.He called out to her, "Gwen?"

Getting no response, Miles tried a sing-songy voice, calling her name once more. "What, Miles?" she replied, her voice tinged with bitterness.

"I know you're upset. Do you want to talk or not?" Miles asked, genuinely wanting to understand what was bothering her.

"Why don't you go talk to Y/n?"

"Gwen, are you serious? I barely know her, but she's a cool girl," Miles defended, trying to reassure her.

"Oh, she's cool now?" Gwen's tone dripped with sarcasm and doubt.

Miles gently reached for Gwen's hand, stopping her in her tracks, making her face him directly. "Look, Gwen, you don't have to worry about her, okay?" he said softly.

Gwen's expression softened, and she nodded, a flicker of trust returning to her eyes. "Alright, Miles. She said giving him a small punch to the shoulder.

✨The Mission✨

You were back in your dimension 2 days post fight with Fisk feeling good as new. You were in bed, examining the watch Miles gave you, when a hologram of a woman appeared, making you scream.

"Oh hey there new recruit, I'm Lyla," she said, waving.

"Hi... Lyla," you said slowly, waving back.

"Sorry to scare you, but the boss needs you at HQ, your first mission... Yayyyy, so suit up," she said before disappearing.

"Uh, okay," you said, slipping into your skintight suit and mask, slapping on your watch, struggling to find out how to get it to work because no one gave you a tutorial. But you managed using your genius brain and stepped through the portal, gracefully landing in a dark room with monitors.

"Great, you're here......Miles!" the man you were familiar with but never got his name called out.

From the shadows, Miles emerged with a smile on his face. "Good to see you again, Mamita," he said.

"Oh, we're using pet names now?" you said, matching his flirty energy.

"That's enough," Miguel said as he stood before you two. "Anomaly in Earth 746, catch it."

"Anomaly?" you questioned.

"I'll tell you all about it later," Miles said, grabbing your hand, opening a portal, and pulling you through.

You dusted off your hands. The mission went well, a little too well, especially for a Goblin mission.

"You're pretty good, Miles."

"You too, Mamita. Gotta say, I doubted you a little after the Fisk fight," he teased.

"Oh, whatever," you said, rolling your eyes, chuckling a bit.

You moved closer to Miles, mere inches between you two, as you ran your fingers along his jawline.

Miles' breath hitched as you touched him, his hazel eyes expressing the tension between you two. There was no denying that Miles was handsome, and you were eager to learn more about him.

"So what dimension are you from, Papa?" you asked playfully, a flirtatious smile gracing your lips.

"1610. Maybe we could go there?" Miles responded, his voice filled with anticipation.

"Take a girl on a date first, Miles," you laughed, teasing him gently.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I..." Miles stammered, trying to explain himself.

"I would love to see your dimension, Miles," you interrupted, cutting him off.

And so, Miles took you to his dimension.

"This is Brooklyn." Miles said as you two stood atop the Williamsburg Bank building, you marveled at the city below. It was similar to your own home, yet distinctly different. Miles watched in awe as your eyes sparkled at the city, feeling a flutter in his stomach.

"It's beautiful, Miles," you whispered, taking a seat to soak in the view.

He walked forward and sat beside you, his face beaming with joy. You turned towards him, a warm smile on your lips.

"So, what's your story, big head?" you asked, playfully leaning on him.

"My story?" Miles responded, a hint of surprise in his voice.

"You're Spider-Man, Miles. What's your origin?" you asked , curious him.

"You know, regular Spider-Man stuff. I gained my powers and now I fight bad guys," Miles answered, a humble tone in his voice.

"That's not what I meant," you said, giving him a small shove. "What's the real story? I was bitten by a radioactive spider too, two years ago on a field trip to Oscorp. Your world doesn't seem to have Oscorp." You sighed, frustration and sadness mixing in your voice. "I got these crazy powers that I didn't know what to do with, so I decided to keep them a secret and pretend that I was a regular kid."

The weight of your words hung heavy in the air as you choked up, memories flooding back. Miles noticed your distress and perked up. "It's okay, you don't have to share if you don't want to," he said, trying to comfort you.

But something compelled you to open up, to let go of the burden you had been carrying alone for so long. You rested your hand gently on top of his. "I pretended to be some regular kid, and that led to me losing my mom. And from then on, I decided to help everyone else," you finished.

Miles's heart stung as he listened to your story. "I lost someone close to me too, my uncle Aaron. He was shot saving me," he shared, the pain evident in his voice.

A sense of understanding and connection washed over you both. You leaned your head on his shoulder. "See, that's your story, Papa," you said softly, appreciating the bond that formed between you. "You know, Miles, it's so nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with now," you added, gazing at the sun setting on the horizon.

That moment solidified your blooming relationship with Miles. Whenever you had free time, you would pop into his dimension, and vice versa. Now, in your suit, you found yourself in dimension 1610, patiently waiting for Miles to catch up as you swung through the bustling city.

"Keep up, Miles," you teased, a mischievous glint in your eyes as you effortlessly jumped from building to building, landing with grace. The two of you were headed back to his house, where Jeff and Rio, his parents, adored you and had grown fond to your presence after all the time you spent with Miles.

They couldn't wrap their head around the whole different dimension thing and just assumed Miles' imagination had run wild. You two walked through his front door.

"Hey Mama Rio," you greeted Miles' mom.

"Hey Mija."

"Hey Mom," Miles said, hugging his mom before the two of you walked into his room. You two were too caught up in conversation to notice a guest. Gwen. She cleared her throat, making you two snap your attention towards her.

"Gwen, hey," Miles said nervously. "What are you - what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you because I barely see you anymore, but now I know why," Gwen answered.

You snickered a bit, knowing you essentially snatched Miles from Gwen.

"Oh, that's funny?" Gwen asked.

You threw your hands up in surrender, not wanting to get into it with her.

"We were about to watch a movie, order some pizza. You can stay if you want," Miles offered to pacify Gwen, but he was hoping she'd turn it down. He cherished his alone time with you.

"No, it's fine, Miles. I'll leave," Gwen said with a hint of frustration in her voice.

"Uh, okay. Bye," Miles said

"Bye, Gwendolyn," you added, unable to hide the small smirk on your face.

Gwen turned to you and asked, "You know what, can we talk outside, Y/n?"

Rolling your eyes, you agreed, "Sure, why not?" You grabbed Miles' hand, signaling for him to come along.

"Alone," Gwen insisted, her tone unwavering.

"Okay... I'll be back, papa," you said to Miles, giving him a smile and a pat on the cheek.

As you followed Gwen out of the window and onto the roof, you could feel the tension building up. Once you reached a secluded corner, she turned to face you, arms folded.

"What is your problem?" she asked, her voice filled with accusation.

"Girl, what are you talking about?" you answered defensively.

"Miles," she replied, her tone laced with frustration.

"What about him? He's fine, great even," you said, walking closer to her.

"Don't play dumb, Y/n," Gwen snapped.

"What are you getting at, Gwen?" you said, your tone becoming pointed as you grew tired of the conversation.

"He's mine, Y/n, and you're trying to steal him away," her voice filled with possessiveness.

You couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Yours?" you asked, shaking your head. "Gwen, you lost him the day you two saved me."

As the words left your mouth, the truth hung heavy in the air. Gwen had been holding onto her feelings for Miles while pretending everything was okay. But deep down, she knew that the connection between you and Miles was undeniable.

What you didn't see coming was a slap across your face from Gwen, not thinking she was bold enough to do it. The sting of her actions lingered in the air as shock resonated through your entire being. And what Gwen didn't see was Miles, camouflaged and watching you two from a distance. He didn't hear anything you two talked about, but he sure did see the slap.

As the pain subsided, you didn't retaliate. Deep down, you and Gwen both knew that you had won this battle, that Miles was now dedicated to you.

"Why would you do that, Gwen?" You heard a voice behind you, and turned to see Miles standing there, his eyes filled with disappointment.

You watched in satisfaction as Gwen's eyes widened, realizing that she had not only hurt you but also jeopardized her chances with Miles. She had unknowingly made it even easier for you to snatch his affection away from her.

"Miles, I..." Gwen stammered, unable to find the right words to justify her actions.

"Why would you hit her?" Miles asked, his voice filled with a mix of anger and hurt.

"You didn't hear what she said, Miles. She's trying to tear us apart. You were mine," Gwen spewed out, desperately clinging to her fading hopes.

"Yours? I'm not some object, Gwen," Miles retorted, his voice laced with disappointment. "Is that why you brought her outside? To hit her?"

A heavy silence hung in the air as Gwen struggled to find an explanation, her words failing her. The truth had been laid bare, and Miles saw her for who she truly was.

"Save it, Gwen," Miles said, his voice firm. "You just showed me the type of person you really are. I've been pining after you for months, and you always brushed me off. But now, now I have someone who actually likes me back."

With those words, he took your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

You looked at Gwen, a smug look on your face as you squeezed Miles' hand tighter.

"You don't mean that, Miles."Gwen said.

"Yes, I do," Miles turned to you. "She likes me back, and she's the most caring, sweetest, funniest person in this dimension and every other," Miles said, making you tear up a bit, your lip bottom poking out.

"You're so cute when you do that," Miles said.

Gwen watched as her heart slowly broke. She had played with Miles,but now she had lost the game. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. She should be the one he said all those things to. The tears pricked her eyes.

"Y/n, will you be my girlfriend?" The words echoed in Gwen's head, the final blow that made her tears roll down her face.

"Of course, I will, papa," you said, jumping on Miles and giving him a tight hug before pulling back and giving him a big kiss, your first one in front of his former crush.

You and Miles turned to Gwen, watching as she continued to cry.

"You should go, Gwen," you said, your heart aching a bit for the girl, but not a lot.

Miles grabbed your hand as the two of you walked off toward the stairwell, leaving Gwen behind.

[theoi-crow]

I'm sorry if this question seems strange, but what do you do if you feel like you've been abandoned by the divine? Not only can I barely feel their presence in my life despite talking and praying to them, but I'm about to enter a very difficult chapter in my life so I feel like they're abandoning me when I need them the most.

I'm getting jaw joint replacement surgery in April and my surgeon told me that it will cause severe nerve and muscle damage in my face, and that I'll lose most of the feeling and movement in my entire face and neck. It's a surgery that will change my entire life moving forward and I feel like crying because I can't feel the presence of the Theoi or any other Gods, despite needing them the most right now.

I've heard that the gods never truly abandon us, but what do we do when we still can't feel them even after crying out? What am I supposed to do right now? I apologize for the vent, but I really need some guidance rn and I love and admire your blog, so I hope it's okay to ask you this. Thank you

I want to start this very important ask by first saying that I think the gods are still with you because I got this very urgent feeling to answer this question and the energy felt like it was coming from them so they were helping me gather the scientific research needed to answer why it's hard to sense them right now (which took me a few days longer to complete than I had previously anticipated). I had to go through a similar surgery with the same possible outcome a couple of years ago and the wait leading up to it was one of the hardest moments of my life so I can sympathize with how difficult this situation is for you right now.

The answer to this ask is very long because I wanted to use scientific research to thoroughly explain why it feels like the gods have abandoned you and have added things that could help sense them again:

Why is it hard to sense the gods right now?

There are times when I can't hear the gods at all and it happens when I'm very upset and need them the most. This is a very common experience for worshippers who are going through a crisis or when they're in a situation that causes their stress levels to get higher than usual.

There's even a scientific explanation for that:

According to Harvard research: Stress causes the amygdala to take over because it switches to survival mode and your amygdala governs the survival part of your brain. At the same time it reduces the energy sent to your brain's memory and other centers that help with cognitive function. Dr. Ressler says, "...the brain is shunting its resources because it's in survival mode..." The brain pumps us with cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline to trigger our fight or flight response because it thinks we're being chased by an apex predator even though we no longer have to worry about predators like saber-toothed tigers and other fauna that once hunted us, but our bodies still respond by pumping us with chemicals needed to run away because we were hunter-gatherers for 1.8 million years (LINK) and only started engaging in agriculture and complex communities beyond family like villages and towns more recently so our brains and bodies are wired to react to stress as if we were still hunter-gatherers. The reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because when we have high levels of stress:

It's hard to sense the gods because the usual cognitive functions we're used to sensing them with are being impacted by the amygdala.

High levels of stress caused by situations that trigger the amygdala can change how your brain functions by changing your brain waves. In this situation the amygdala increases the beta waves (LINK). Neuroscience research studies brain waves based on these five categories: (LINK)

According to research the beta waves have three sections:

High Beta waves (18-40 Hz) - Are the ones that get affected by the amygdala because the brain only cares about survival when it thinks you are being chased by a wild predator which is different from the slower frequencies of ALPHA and THETA waves which help you better connect with the gods since ALPHA waves are reflective and THETA waves help you connect with your intuition (LINK) and both help you feel more spiritually connected (LINK).

How to change your brain waves and reconnect with the gods:

I have a really hard time hearing the gods when I'm in the middle of a crisis or my stress levels are very high so I often use different forms of meditation to bring my high Beta waves down to Alpha or Theta levels. Classic meditation has been proven to work in doing this (LINK) but since I have ADHD I have a hard time with that so I'm going to suggest other activities that go beyond the traditional form of meditation in case you have a condition that also keeps you from being able to meditate this way:

1) Deep breathing: According to the article talking about classic meditation that I linked to just a second ago, taking in deep breaths has been shown to change your brain patterns by boosting Alpha waves. I recommend taking 3-10 deep breaths, or however much you would prefer and ending it with "my gods are with me," either said out loud or in your head. Here's a little gif that can help guide you but please go slower if you need to or ignore it if it doesn't help.

2) Dancing or exercising: Even though we have gone beyond the hunter-gatherer lifestyle, our bodies are still specifically designed for a hunter-gatherer body so when the amygdala triggers your fight or flight response, it will not stop until it senses the danger has passed. Exercise/dancing fools the brain into thinking you are doing something about that predator (either running or fighting) which helps it finish the process a lot faster. After it's done it will lower you from your high Beta three waves to lower beta waves, this will make it easier for you to reach your Alpha and Theta waves and thus spiritually connect with the gods. I suggest making a playlist full of songs that remind you of your gods and exercise/dance to them or ones that get you moving even if it's just swaying.

3) Light stretches or light exercises that require deep breathing like Yoga, Tai Chi or others within this category: I often do Yoga because it helps me do the first two suggestions rolled into one. Movement is very important for the body to tell the amygdala you are physically doing something to get to safety (again, hunter-gatherer bodies require hunter-gatherer solutions). By doing light exercises and deep breathing you are releasing the tension triggered by your cortisol levels and simultaneously lowering your brain waves from beta to alpha or theta levels. Add positive affirmations about your connection to the gods ("my gods are with me" or something similar) and imagine them with you while you do this.

4) Listening to music: Earlier I suggested making a playlist of songs that remind you of your gods that you can dance to but just listening to the music will also help. I suggest only listening to songs you want to listen to because even if a song reminds you of a god but you don't like it, don't add it. Make sure the music moves your emotions even if the song is angry or painful, so long as you're feeling the song, it'll help move your beta waves to a more relaxing state and fool your brain into thinking you're doing something about that perceived predator.

5) Journaling: The god I have the hardest time hearing is Apollo so I sometimes use spiritual journaling to connect with him. Spiritual journaling is great because it helps you use different parts of the brain that may not be as affected by the amygdala. Plus you'll have a record of your conversations with the gods in case you need to refer to them for past advice or days when you can't hear them. The way spiritual journaling works is you allow the gods to write through you by following a few simple rules:

1) Write everything down, whatever is in your head in whatever form it's in, even if it's a positive or negative thought, it doesn't have to be fancy or poetic, it can even be crass or harsh but it needs to be typed or written. Don't worry about your spelling because that'll slow down your writing and the point is to get it all out and not overthink it. Writing it down uses a different part of your brain that can help you sense the gods better in case your usual methods aren't working.

2) Ask the gods questions and write down whatever comes to your head. Be specific about which god you are talking to, for example it might look like this: "Hey Apollo I need help with this thing, what is it? My mind won't shut up about that thing I said 3 years ago, breath with me, in 1, 2, 3, out, 1, 2, 3, again in 1, 2, 3, out, 1, 2, 3, better? Yeah, thanks." I colored Apollo's parts with the orange font for the sake of clarity but I'm writing what is coming to my mind as I talk to Apollo so on the paper it will be whatever color your pen or font is, don't worry about differentiating between who is talking until you re-read it later.

3) you can type or write it but be sure to use whichever method you are most comfortable doing fast because you don't want to have time to second guess yourself wondering if that was you or the gods. It's easy for doubt to happen in these situations. The problem with doubt is that it causes a disconnection since you are allowing the gods to write through you but your mind will try to question if you're just making it up. It's one of those "trust the process" situations that take time to get used to.

6) "What would my god do/say?" This is the most important question for worshippers who can't hear or sense their gods. Sometimes I do this with Apollo or Athena because I can't always hear them so I'd go "what would Apollo say right now? He'd probably tell me it's better to do my physical therapy right now or I'll regret it tomorrow because he's the god of medicine and cares about my health." Or I'll sometimes go, "if Athena were here, what would she do? As the goddess of strategy she would probably ask me if I thought about plans B and C in case plan A falls through." Sometimes you have to guess what your gods will say until you can hear them again. This works your memory by helping you recall information you learned about the gods and/or past experiences you've had with them and eventually you will have these gut feelings about what the gods would say or do as if it's the gods themselves telling you.

7) Every time you think of your gods, assume your gods triggered that thought: In my Native American culture, we believe that when you suddenly think of an ancestor (or a family member who recently died) it means they are hugging you from the spirit world, likewise, whenever I suddenly think of the gods I assume they are triggering that thought and sending me messages, for example I'll suddenly think to myself "I should probably drink some water," and get a sudden image of Apollo so to me Apollo is the one who is telling me to drink water.

8) Be in Nature: Unlike the religious buildings we see today, the temples of the gods were not designed to be places of worship for humans but places for humans to store whatever gifts they gave them because the ancient Greeks believed nature was where the gods were worshipped, especially mountains that required effort for humans to reach or places that took your breath away. That being said, the gods I turn to when I can't connect with mine are Helios, Selene and Gaia because these are the gods I can immediately see and touch. Gaia is all around you, Helios will blind you if you stare at him for too long and Selene will keep whatever secret you tell her while you're admiring her moon form. Likewise, your gods also have nature aspects or concepts they embody like Aphrodite being the concept of love or Athena being wisdom. You can be with your gods by engaging with the realms and concepts they rule over or embody.

9) Arts and Crafts with your gods: While drawing or crafting whatever activity relaxes you, have an honest conversation with your gods and use the "what would the gods do/say" method to assume what they'll say. Play relaxing or inspiring music in the background for a more enjoyable experience.

10) Hug your gods or Cry on your gods: Sometimes crying on the lap of your god or hugging a pillow/stuffed animal while imagining you are hugging your god might help you feel both better and better connected. I wrote posts on how to cry on a god here and how to hug a god here.

11) Classic Meditation: It's been proven to work (LINK) but the act of meditating in this form doesn't always work for everyone so I added it later but still wanted to include it in case it'll work for you or you wish to try it.

12) Prayer: Prayer works like meditation in that it can also bring your beta three waves to alpha and theta levels but my disclaimer is that you have to feel the prayer move you. As someone who grew up Catholic I can pray in my sleep without knowing what I'm saying by only going through the motions of praying without ever feeling the words because I've been told what to say since I was three when more complex words were just sounds to me and never understood what I was saying until I was 12 and had to write it down for Sunday school, so prayer is only at the bottom of this list because it never worked for me until I started making up my own prayers. You also have the option of using Hymns as prayers but I'll write down how to make up a prayer in case you need it. To make up your own prayer you can use epithets that represent whatever specific aspect of the god you want to connect with if you're looking for a specific aspect. You can use epithets they already have in theoi.com or you can make up an epithet yourself in whatever language you are most connected to. You can praise the gods based on their hymns or past experiences you've had with them. You can make it as simple or as poetic as you'd like but you have to have a very honest and open heart when you are making up a prayer that will move you. You need to feel the words and make a prayer that will bring you peace and comfort. I sometimes sing Happy by Marina (LINK) or Venus by Sleeping at Last (LINK) to Aphrodite because they are songs that make me feel peaceful and feel like prayers so I wanted to add these to remind you that you can also use songs as prayers too since hymns were sometimes sung.

In conclusion:

Even if you can't sense the gods, they are with you, it's just that in our hectic lives we often forget we are still subject to the physical functions of the brain which controls what switches will be turned on or off and unfortunately it's hard to hear the gods when we are in our Beta three state because we're in a crisis and it has decided to turn off intuition and the ability to sense spiritual connections because those are in the Alpha and Theta levels but the amygdala puts us in beta three because its main priority is to either fight or outrun whatever apex predator it thinks is putting your life at risk. We may not remember a time when we had to fight or outrun wild predators but our bodies and brains still act as if we are and will limit the energy to other cognitive functions until it thinks we are safe. This is also why people who try to control others use fear tactics because it's easier to control someone in Beta three since their cognitive functions are disrupted and they will do anything for safety and security even if it means giving up their rights in exchange for it.

The brain makes it harder to sense the gods because it is prioritizing your safety and has turned everything else off in order to protect you. Gently thank it because it's only doing what it has evolved to do to guarantee your safety, and try any of the activities I listed above to help reconnect with your gods or feel free to try new ones so long as they will help turn your Beta Three waves into Alpha or Theta waves.

May your connection to the gods be easy, clear, and loud when they bring you peace.

[drdemonprince]

Hi Devon,

this might not be a question you can answer, or maybe it is! idk. this is about covid & alike

for context on myself, i’m a white gendrfucky trans guy who’s also autistic & an immigrant (so some cultural context is probably lacking)

as we know, we’re in a 2nd highest surge & the pandemic never stopped and it increasingly dangerous and disabling to so many

i wear my kn95 everywhere i go now, and while i tried last semester, it was a lot easier to abandon masking because of

1. others’ around me negligence

2. some classrooms being IMPOSSIBLY hot and close to unbearable with a respirator on

3. attending crowded events where people needed to hear me

i’ve reevaluated and am rebuilding my practices now, but what i’m finding really difficult is to get people i have in my life to wear a mask again

i feel so lost. i share the informational posts, i talk to my people, i offer masks- what else is there to do?? i know the exhaustion i feel is absolutely incomparable to what disabled and immunocompromised people feel, especially when they’ve done the work for years!

i just don’t understand how i’m supposed to keep moving through life. i mean ofc i’ll keep doing what i’m already doing but it’s so incredibly isolating to be the only person masked in a meeting of 20,30,50 people.

i don’t know how to make people care. i don’t know how to have conversations with my friends in a way that will let our relationship evolve with this new understanding of care. i don’t know how to not polarize people into defensiveness when i talk about the powers wreaking atrocities in falasteen being the same ones shortening an isolation period to 1 day.

i don’t know how to be eloquent enough to be listened to and firm enough where people take what i say seriously. i don’t know how to not start screaming WEAR A MASK anytime it’s a crowded (or even not crowded) meeting indoors with no air filtration.

idk how people don’t realize the “cold” they’ve had for 3 weeks is either covid or direct aftermath of it. idk how they stand for seemingly the right things and then come to work sick & unmasked.

i don’t know how to engage with most people in a meaningful way & find connections because the delusion, the “it won’t happen to me”, the “i don’t care if i catch it and die”, the “this is just the way it is” seems to be a wall made of unbreakable cement and i don’t know what will melt it.

i feel insane for having compassion towards the world and seeing how it can be better. i feel insane for being angry people don’t mask & downplay this issue. i feel insane for even trying to talk sense into people.

i’ve recently been called a lying phony by an account that talks about masking bc a lot of my recent pictures show my face without a mask. i archived the posts since, apologized and reflected. but a lot of pictures i take are in my own room so i am unmasked. idk

i feel like the gap between me and most people i know is growing wider by the minute and with every reading i do about interdependent revolutionary practices, etc.

i know that when one understands something, it is their responsibility to make an impact on their bubble of the world and transform it with their knowledge. but i doubt i’m the only one doing the reading and knowing what’s going on, i just seem to be the only one masking.

i don’t know. i’m sorry it’s such a long ask & i’m sure you have your own stuff you’re dealing with. i just don’t know who else to ask that might understand. i’m sure there are people around me who might but so many are in survival mode and i currently don’t know anyone with the capacity to hold space for this.

i guess it’s bold to assume you do.

anyway, i hope your day goes alright today<3

You are placing wayyy too much responsibility upon yourself as one compassionate and informed individual here, and expecting far too much perfection of yourself in ways that do not help you and do not help the cause. You've done a lot to unpack the terrible individualism that has led to anti-mask sentiment being so rampant, but you are in a way still applying that logic to yourself and your situation by imagining that if you, one humble person with limited power were able to be adequately persuasive, you'd somehow change the actions of thousands. That is not how behavior change works.

Persuasion almost never happens logically or instantly, almost never through one person's remarks. Behavior is shaped by a vast array of economic, sociological, emotional, and ideological factors.

It's also not helpful in my opinion to worry about the opinion of someone who would shame you for not wearing a mask at home alone in your bedroom, either. Obsessing over the optics of our actions and wanting all people to morally approve of us at all times is yet another consequence of individualism and Puritanism. as you well know as someone who masks in a crowd of maskless people, sometimes we gotta do what we know is right and disregard others' opinions.

What you can do, in my opinion, is this: keep masking. Your behavior reminds people of the need for masks and models socially responsible behavior. Bring spare masks with you. Offer them to your family and friends and the people standing near you in public. If they refuse, and you have a good relationship with the person where they have shown they respect you and listen to you, then you can tell them why masking around you is important to you. You cannot change the opinion of someone who has never shown you any respect so don't expect that to ever work.

Even if you do have a good relationship with someone, persuasion is a long, hard process. Do not expect yourself to change their mind. If you can get some people to mask at least around you, that is a victory. Perfection is an unrealistic goal here to expect of yourself, and for public health in general. Any improvement you can inspire is a victory. Even if it's just making one or two friends mask more often when they are with you. That still lessens risk. That still sends a visible signal to everyone around you. You have no idea of the impact you truly have on other people in the long term. It is both more modest and far larger and longer-reaching than you as an individual will ever know.

Please be easy on yourself. You are just a person. An average person with very limited power. So is everyone else for the most part. When you stop burdening yourself with the unrealistic responsibility of changing thousands of people's behavior, you will feel less resentful toward others as well. When we resent other people it always means we are doing too much.

And when you feel less overwhelmed and overburdened, you will be more effective in the conversations you do have with people about COVID too. People do not respond well to (what they perceive to be) guilt or intensity or someone presuming to know better than them. What people do respond to well is to be asked genuine questions, listened to, validated in their feelings, given help where they are facing barriers to action, and being treated with compassionate gentleness.

But to do that you have to work on believing that people who are flawed in their response to COVID have reasons for doing so that make sense to them, and that they aren't all foolish and lacking in compassion. As my friend @kim-from-kansas says, people do not do things that do not make sense. If a person's actions do not make sense to you, it is because you are missing a piece of their context. The sad fact is people have many reasons to think that masking doesn't work or is hopeless. People have been very heavily propagandized and trauma also makes many people value life less.

Convincing people to take COVID more seriously is a tall, tall order, but if you wish to do so, you will need to be more than correct. You will have to put real work into not making people feel judged, and you will have to make peace with not always (or even usually) succeeding. It sucks but that's how it is. Best of luck!!

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 01x16 - Dark Evolution! SkullGreymon / The Arrival of SkullGreymon

Previously on Digimon Adventure: The wicked servants of Elvis gave our kids food and baths. Fleeing into a nearby cave, Taichi found the Warp Whistle and got them out of there before they could be exposed to Elvis's music any longer.

Now we join them an ambiguous length of time later, in a place that is certainly not the forested mountains we left them in.

We're back in the desert. Why are we back in the desert? Why did we go back there? IDK but Mimi's is bothered as I am.

Mimi: Ugh, how much farther do we have to talk? Jou: Until we find a place where Etemon can't reach us. Mimi: Does a place like that even exist!?!? Yamato: I hope so. We have nowhere to run if Etemon attacks us right now. Sora: This is bad. Everyone's starting to get depressed.

Wandering through the vast deserts of Server under threat that Etemon could appear at any moment naturally has a negative impact on the group's mental health. Sora's concerned for them. But Taichi's annoyed.

Taichi: What's going on here!? Get a hold of yourselves! We have a Crest with us now! Yamato: Sure, but can they really evolve with just the Crest? Taichi: Of course. Right, Agumon? Agumon: Mmm-- Taichi: Be more assertive! You're the only one right now who can evolve to the next level! You have to stand for all of us on the battlefield! Tentomon: We're counting on you! Taichi: By the way, how do we reach the next evolution? Koushiro: Well, from what we know about evolution, they need a lot of energy to evolve. They couldn't do it when they were hungry. Also, it happens when their partner is in danger. Taichi: I see.... So, about, that energy thing: To evolve to a higher level, I guess you'd need more energy than ever, right?

Taichi ties off that question with a wink at Agumon, who flinches from Taichi's exuberance. He's plotting.

As he brought up at the end of the last episode (but not in the dub), In stark contrast to the rest of the group, who are still in survival mode, Taichi feels invincible now that he has this Crest. He's confident that he has the key to Etemon's demise right there around his neck. He just needs to figure out how it works.

Over in the dub, Tai's going even harder.

Tai: Hey, come on, you guys! Why'd we stop? Why's everyone so scared? After all, we do have the Crest, you know! Matt: That's true! But do we really know the Crest will help Agumon to Digivolve? Tai: Of course! Right, Agumon? Agumon: Hmm? Tai: Listen, buddy: This is your big chance! Don't let me down! You're the only one that can Digivolve further so either you try to get to the next level and save us from Etemon or I'll go and get myself a new Digimon! Tentomon: Not much of a choice! Tai: ARGH! By the way, how are we supposed to use the Crest to Digivolve again? Izzy: Well, from what we've seen so far with the other Digivolutions, it takes a lot of energy. For example, they can't Digivolve if they're hungry. In addition, the Partner of the Digimon must be in some sort of danger. You know, like being under attack or something. Tai: But since it's a higher level of Digivolving, my theory is even more energy is needed. So we'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!

Love that closing line, "We'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!" That's a great way to set up the bad decision-making that's about to take place.

The biggest difference between the two versions is that Tai threatens to fire Agumon in this one. Holy shit! He's being a twat either way but that's brutal.

We cut briefly to Etemon's trailer being carted through the desert. He's rambling.

Etemon: You kids just wait! When I find you, I'll knock you flat and stuff you like turkeys!

Over in the dub, he says:

Etemon: You better watch out, you DigiDestined kids! I'll find you and, when I do, you'll wish you never crossed Etemon! I'll get ya!

This may seem like a lateral move, but the "stuff you like turkeys" line is setup for a gag. We cut immediately from that line to:

The dub destroys this joke, not only changing Etemon's line but introducing a commercial break between Etemon's setup and Agumon's payoff.

Over here at a small oasis, Taichi is force-feeding Agumon as much as possible.

Agumon: I can't eat anymore! Taichi: When I say eat, you eat! No complaining! Agumon: But-- Taichi: Listen! Everyone gave you their share of food because they're looking forward to your evolution! Right, guys? Yamato: Sure. Mimi: Gave it to him? More like he took it from us. Gabumon: But we can't evolve to a higher level. Jou: (bitterly) So it's "Whoever doesn't work doesn't eat"? Tentomon: Oh no.... Taichi: Eh? What was that? I can't hear you! Isn't that right, guys? Group: (unenthusiastically) Uh-huh! Taichi: See? That's why you and I have to work hard together! We have to protect everyone!

Taichi is now preventing the rest of the group from eating so that he can force-feed Agumon far beyond his limits. Based entirely on his own speculation that Agumon will need a supreme amount of energy for a Perfect-stage evolution.

Palmon: I guess that means we're dragging everyone down. Piyomon: Even so, I feel sorry for Agumon. Sora: Yeah. Agumon looks like he's being forced into a corner. Koushiro: During club activities, Taichi-san was always nice to us younger members. Sora: Now that you mention it, back in soccer club....

While the first part of this scene is played totally straight in the dub, this bit's a little different.

Palmon: I guess there's not much else we can do to help. Biyomon: I don't know if Agumon can take much more! Sora: Yeah, Tai is really pushing him. Agumon's stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Izzy: Tai's personality has taken a turn for the worse lately. I remember him being friendlier even to us younger kids. Sora: Actually, now that you mention it, he was cool during soccer camp.

"Soccer camp" is an interesting choice here. Extracurricular "soccer club" isn't really a thing in the U.S. but schools do have sports teams. Not usually for elementary schools, though. Sora and Taichi are in fifth grade. In order to play soccer together, they'd have to be part of a recreational youth program like at the YMCA or, as noted, a soccer camp.

Meanwhile, Koushiro's reference to sharing "club activities" with Taichi, though the sentiment of his line remains. I guess they couldn't imagine why Izzy would play soccer.

From here, Sora flashes back on a school soccer game. Taichi's playing in the front of his team as a striker, a position notorious for arrogant and selfish play, and he has the ball. Sora is the other striker, running down the field parallel to Taichi.

We see the gears turn in Taichi's head.

Sora: Taichi, pass! Taichi: This is my chance to shoot! Here I go!

But then another player slides in front of him on an intercept course. Without missing a beat, Taichi passes the ball sideways a moment before the slide trips him up. Sora receives his pass, striking the ball with a headbutt and sending it sailing into goal.

Helping Taichi to his feet, Sora appreciates his sportsmanship.

Sora: Nice pass! I thought you'd try to take the shot yourself. Taichi: I'd never do something that crazy! Ahahahaha!

Back in the present, Sora reflects:

Sora: Taichi seems like the type to rush off on his own, but he's always taken his surroundings into consideration. Koushiro: Right. Sora: But now.... Taichi: We're the only ones who can do this! So keep going! Eat up! Agumon: No more! Sora: Ever since Taichi got that Crest, he's become a completely different person.

Again, the dub here is a bit altered.

Sora: Tai might look like he's trying to run things all by himself, but whatever crazy action he takes, he does it for the good of the team. Izzy: Mmhmm. Sora: But now all this.... Tai: We're the only ones who can help now! So you've gotta keep eating, okay, Agumon!? Agumon: I can't! Sora: Tai's personality seems to have changed ever since he got a hold of that Crest of Courage.

Sora's point is about Taichi typically having situational awareness to temper his enthusiasm. He was going to take the shot himself, but when he realized he was about to be intercepted, he quickly switched gears and passed the ball rather than stubbornly forging ahead.

"Tai makes ridiculous choices but always for good reasons!" is a bizarre takeaway for her to have from that anecdote.

Also, she name-drops Crest of Courage before any of the kids know that the Crests mean things. That's a straight-up continuity error right there.

Suddenly, the conversation's broken up a ringing pulse shining inside Jou's shirt.

Jou: I'm starving... Hmm? What the...? (Jou pulls his Tag out of his shirt and sees it pulsing blue) Jou: (standing up suddenly) Hey, look! My Tag! Yamato: It's reacting to something. Koushiro: Your Crest must be nearby! Taichi: Really!?

Taichi whips out his mini-telescope, scanning the nearby surroundings until he spots a set of ruins in the distance. Ecstatic, Jou races down the dune they're resting on, tripping over something buried in the sand.

Gomamon: What's a cable doing here?

His question doesn't get answered, but we know these cables. Far off, Etemon orders the Monochromon dragging his trailer to halt.

Etemon: STOP!!! Gazimon: What's wrong, Etemon-sama? Etemon: Ehehehehehe!!! Something's stuck in my network! L-7 Area... Let's see... Where was that? L over, 7 down, and... There it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: YIIIIIII!!! It's near the Coliseum! Remember? The place I hold my yearly concert! (angrily) They fled to such a place.... Gazimon: Geh. It's pretty far. Etemon: Yep. However, I have an interesting show set up there. Ahaha!

In the dub:

Etemon: WHOA!!! Gazimon: What is it, Lord Etemon? Etemon: Ahaha! Something's caught in my network, uh-huh-huh! The intruder's in the L-7 sector. Let's see, L-7, L-7... How's this thing work? Oh, here it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: Hahaha, it's near the Coliseum! That's where I hold my annual Tribute to Me show; I wonder what they're doing all the way over there? You got any idea? Gazimon: Well, maybe they want to get good seats, boss. Etemon: Oh, they'll have a perfect view for the surprise show I planted for 'em! Hahahaha!

Small change: Etemon seems miffed that the kids are at the Coliseum in the original. It's a subtle moment, but it almost seems like he's offended that they're hiding out in a place that has sentimental value to him personally.

"Maybe they want to get good seats" is a great quip. We lose Gazimon expositing that it's far off, but Etemon covered that with "all the way over there" so the information is still conveyed.

The big shift here is the "show" waiting for the kids. Etemon in the original suggests that what's about to happen is part of his annual concert setup. He's repurposing resources already in place for another reason. Dub Etemon seems to have set this all up as a trap on purpose? Though given the events to follow, that's still a believable interpretation.

Etemon calls another Gazimon over in L-7 to arrange his plan.

Gazimon: Yeah? This is the L-7 area. Etemon: It's me. Gazimon: (leaps to his feet) Y-Yes!? Etemon: Some guests will be arriving soon. Prepare a welcome party. Gazimon: W-Welcome party!? You don't mean that thing? Etemon: I mean that thing. Gazimon: U-UNDERSTOOD!!!

This Gazimon races off into the Coliseum to prepare for the children's arrival.

Inside, the Coliseum is a bit different from what one might expect of ancient Roman architecture.

Koushiro: It looks like the Roman Coliseum! Tentomon: What is that? Taichi: An ancient stadium. Mimi: Look! A widescreen TV! Sora: And a goal post! This is a soccer field! Taichi: Well, let's split up and look for the Crest!

Neat. You know those ancient Romans and their love for giant stadium monitors and soccer.

We've been in Digimon World/Digital World for so long that no one even cares about out-of-place modern shit anymore. That's just life.

Unfortunately, all that overfeeding is taking a toll on Agumon, who falls to the ground abruptly.

Agumon: I can't move... Let me sleep.... Taichi: What's wrong with you!? Get up! Agumon: Sorry.... Jou: Let him rest. The only clue we have is this Tag. Gomamon and I will go look, so the rest of you take a break. Taichi: I'll go with you!

Jou-senpai stepping up to be the responsible one again, but as usual, Taichi can't be still for five seconds.

While Taichi and Jou race off to search for Jou's Crest, something interesting rolls out onto the soccer field.

Sora: (excited gasp) Soccer ball! Hey, want to play soccer!? Takeru: That sounds like fun! Yamato: Let's make it Human Team vs. Digimon Team. Tentomon: What's soccer? Sora: It's where you use your legs to kick this ball into a goal. You can also use your head or chest.

She demonstrates by popping the ball up and passing it with her head to Gabumon. He delivers a powerful kick, sending it up in an arc. Piyomon tries to catch it with her wings, but the ball hits her in the face and knocks her flat. It then bounces into Palmon's hands behind her.

Sora: You can't use your hands. Palmon: Don't you think that's really unfair to me? Takeru: The goalkeeper can use their hands, right? Yamato: Yeah. You'd be perfect for goalkeeper, Palmon.

In the dub, Palmon's objection is removed. After Biyomon gets clonked, Palmon's line and Sora's are switched.

Palmon: Oh! That's really using your head! Sora: Oh, and I forgot to tell you: You can't use your hands. T.K.: Unless you're the goalkeeper; Then you can touch the ball with your hands! Matt: Yeah! You should be the goalie for your team, Palmon!

It's a minor difference, but the bit doesn't flow quite as well without the point being raised that Palmon, more than anyone here, is a very grabby Digimon. She has a much higher hands-to-other-stuff ratio than the rest of the group.

With Palmon's role sorted out, she gives the ball a toss to put it back in play. Suddenly, noticing the others having fun, Tai races in and gives the ball a heavy kick, sending it hurtling to the upper audience stands.

By comical coincidence, he scores a direct hit on Gazimon way up there. Even when he's being a shit, Taichi has amazing soccer instincts. The shot sends Gazimon tumbling down the stairs into the Coliseum's inner chambers.

Taichi: How the hell can you guys be playing soccer at a time like this!?!? Stop and think about what we're dealing with! We're leaving as soon as Jou finds his Crest!

(This is Taichi's "How you season your eggs is causing the decline of Japanese culture" moment. Like Jou way back when, Taichi is cracking under the pressure of being at war with an invulnerable foe.)

Before anyone can say anything to Taichi, the stadium's filled with sports music and the screen turns on.

Etemon: WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am the greatest!

Screaming in terror, the kids flee for their lives, inexplicably choosing to take cover inside a soccer net. (Why?) This bizarre choice proves to be part of the trap; The net closes around them, sealing them in. Everyone but Agumon; He tripped and didn't make it to the net because his belly's still too full to move.

Etemon: GOOOOOOOOOAL!!! Now I've got you! Taichi: It was a trap! Tentomon: You think you can keep us in here with just this!?

Tentomon tries to break through the net, but it's electrified. It gives him a discouraging shock the moment he touches it.

Etemon: You're going to injure yourself if you do that. The net's wires are electrified! I've love to be there and do this face-to-face but unfortunately I'm too far away for that. Stars have busy schedules, y'know. But don't worry! A special guest is going to take my place! Who do you think it will be? Taichi: Who cares!? Etemon: I bet he's going to surprise you! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Etemon's guest star arrives: A Greymon with a black "collar" made up of what seems to be a Dark Network cable wrapped around their neck. They stomp into the Coliseum, wrecking everything in their path.

Taichi: G-Greymon!? Etemon: See? You're so surprised! I'm such a fabulous show producer. Now, let's get started! (English) IT'S SHOWTIME!!!

In the dub, we get:

Tai: It's a different Greymon! Etemon: See? I knew you'd be surprised! I'm so evil! ~Let's get started / It's time to go / Okay! / Here's the show!

That might be the funniest change in the series. I wonder which show producer objected to having Etemon proclaim, "I'm such a fabulous show producer"? XD

Agumon evolves to fight the other Greymon. As they're fighting, Takeru drops this banger.

Gabumon: You can do this, Greymon! Takeru: Don't lose to a fake!

Those are some bold words when that one over there is a natural Greymon and our guy can only hit that stage temporarily thanks to Digivice magic.

Sadly, natural Greymon proves to be superior in brawling with a temp. They land a horn bash to our Greymon's chin, sending him backwards into the electrified net.

Conceding that our Greymon can't beat Etemon's, Taichi sees only one avenue left.

Taichi: Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: He can't keep this up. Tentomon: He can't win if he doesn't evolve!

Greymon gets back up and keeps fighting, but the other Greymon tosses him to the ground and stomps on his head. Taichi screams at him to evolve.

Taichi: Evolve! Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: It's useless, Taichi-san. Your Crest isn't reacting at all. Yamato: Evolution is impossible. Taichi: I don't accept that. Greymon, I know you can do it! Believe in your ability to evolve!

Greymon does not evolve. He bashes the other Greymon off with a tail whip, then attempts to fire off a Mega Flame.

However, all that comes out is a belch. This is what tips off the group as to why he's having so much trouble.

Mimi: How can you burp at a time like this? Yamato: Do his movements look slower than usual? Koushiro: I get it. His body is heavy from overeating! Tentomon: You're right!

Tentomon's so excited by this revelation, he takes to the air and electrocutes himself on the net again. Smooth.

Meanwhile, Gazimon takes another call from Etemon.

Etemon: Don't just stand around! Start the ending celebration! Prepare the fireworks and step on it!

Gazimon takes up a position up on top of a set of three statue heads, raising sparklers for the ceremony.

While our Greymon continues to get worked over, Gomamon desperately calls his Marching Fishes to lend a fin.

Water pours out of the statues' mouths, with Gomamon's fish flying from the water. They mug Gazimon for his sparklers and make their way over to the enemy Greymon, baiting them away from our Greymon.

Meanwhile, the kids discuss the massive WTF of this occurrence.

Jou: How were fishes able to come out of there!? Gomamon: Don't look at me. I don't understand complex stuff. Koushiro: There's probably a rift to another dimension over there. Gomamon: What he said. Jou: I see....

It's as good an explanation as any.

The dub dialogue is similar, but Izzy's more condescending about it.

Joe: Where did those fish come from!? How could they just come out of there like that!? Gomamon: I dunno, but if it's not broken, don't fix it! Izzy: It's really elementary, Joe. There's probably just a dimensional vortex rift in the water. Gomamon: Ditto! Joe: Oh.

Imagine not knowing about aquatic dimensional vortex rifts. That's baby stuff. You're kinda dim, Joe.

Once the conversation's finished, the Marching Fishes drop their sparklers at Greymon's feet and then fly off into the sky, visibly fading out of existence. (I guess they Dimensional Vortex Rifted away.)

Koushiro comes up with the idea of tunneling to safety. The kids peel back the tiles to find another black cable, but also a large stone bearing a symbol like the one that formed Taichi's Crest. The stone begins to pulse, as does Jou's Tag.

Assuming it works the same, Jou rests his Tag on the stone.

Crest received!

Just in time for the ground beneath them, no longer braced by the Crest stone, to give way and dump the kids. into a deep hole. But it's a deep hole with an exit, so they're free. We briefly cut to Etemon furiously watching them make their escape.

Etemon: Those damn children! Not only did they escape, but they have another Crest! UNFORGIVABLE!!!

It's here that Taichi makes terrible choices.

Taichi: He'd win if he evolved. If he could only evolve! GREYMON!!! Sora: Stop! Taichi: Don't stop me! This is my chance to get Greymon to evolve! Please just stay out of the way! Sora: But your Crest isn't reacting at all! It's impossible for him to evolve! Taichi: He will evolve. No, I'll make him!

Taichi hops down into the stadium and races out onto the field, towards where the two Greymon are fighting.

(This is where Sora's anecdote from earlier comes into play. Taichi isn't being situationally aware. He's not paying attention to the factors on the field; Specifically, his Crest. He's stubbornly, arrogantly trying to take the shot himself and not paying attention to the very real fact that his angle is too well-guarded.)

Yamato: What is he trying to do!? Koushiro: The other condition needed for evolution is for the Partner to be in danger. Sora: Taichi-san wouldn't....

He would. He does.

Etemon calls for a Mega Flame to finish Taichi's Greymon, but Taichi interrupts the shot by pelting Etemon's Greymon with a rock expertly flung straight into their eye.

Taichi: STOP!!! I'm not scared of you! Come and get me! Etemon: Trying to act tough, are we? Very well. We'll deal with you first, just like you wanted!

Sora and Yamato send Birdramon and Garurumon in there to keep Taichi from getting himself stupidly killed. But Taichi keeps screaming at Greymon to evolve until finally, his Crest reacts. In an eerie way.

An unpleasant green light emanates from Taichi's Digivice, unlike the typical white of evolution. And his Crest turns black as pitch before it releases its energy. Greymon ankoku shinka.

The evolution for ankoku shinka or "Dark Evolution" is completely unlike the typical evolution. The transformation sequence is corrupted with unpleasant colors and a dark cloud appearing in the sky. Black energy with orange spirals pour into Greymon, causing him to take this new shape without the usual spinny stock footage and cry of "SHINKAAAAAAA!!!"

Even Tai seems to realize he's screwed up here, as his initial excitement quickly fades into an expression of horror.

Sora: T-That's.... Yamato: What's going on here? Tentomon: It can't be. That's SkullGreymon! Sora: SkullGreymon!?

The narrator chimes in here to give the rundown. SkullGreymon is a Perfect-stage Virus-type Skeleton Digimon.

Narrator: SkullGreymon. His menacing appearance reduces many Digimon to a quaking heap. Naturally, he has immense destructive power. He is a Perfect-stage Digimon who attacks persistently in battle.

Here, the dub has everything it needs for a seamless diegetic rundown. Tentomon is present on-hand, recognizes this Digimon, and has people to talk to when delivering the rundown.

Sora: What in the world!? Matt: What do you think that is? Tentomon: Oh my, is that what I think it is? Sora: What do you call that thing!? Tentomon: SkullGreymon. The sight of him makes other Digimon tremble! He is a fully Digivolved Digimon whose explosive power causes him to constantly search for battle!

"Fully". It's cute that you think that, Tentomon. To be fair to him, Perfect was the final stage until Ultimate was added later down the line. But it was already there by the time the anime was made and dubbed.

But yeah, this is basically a perfect diegetic rundown. Good work.

Koushiro's immediately convinced that this is wrong.

Koushiro: Th-This is bad! It looks like something went wrong and he evolved into something unbelievable!

But it's too late now. SkullGreymon begins to act, swatting the enemy Greymon into the air and launching them into Etemon's monitor. Then he fires the missile from his back.

SkullGreymon's signature move Ground Zero flies from his back, slamming into the monitor and exploding. The blast erases both the monitor and the opposing Greymon.

(RIP Other Greymon. Etemon said they were part of his annual show so I sure hope that means they were like a bandmate of his and not some sort of gladiator slave or something. Because they're stone dead now.)

Taichi, meanwhile, stares up at his "Partner" in disbelief.

Taichi: SkullGreymon! Did you really evolve from Greymon!?

In the dub, Tai more bluntly yells:

Tai: Listen to me, SkullGreymon! If you're really the Digivolved form of Greymon then you can't hurt me!

SkullGreymon responds by trying to smash him, provoking Garurumon and Birdramon to leap to his defense. Tentomon evolves as well to join the defense.

Three Adult-stage Digimon against a battle-hungry Perfect. While their battle tears up the landscape and shreds the black cables littered around.

Etemon: WAUGH!!! The Network! My network is ruined!

Over in the dub, Etemon hilariously tries to play this for sympathy.

Etemon: Oh no, my poor network! They're destroyin' everything that I worked so hard to create!

XD Sure, my dude. You're the victim here.

Back at the fight, SkullGreymon's as savage as we were promised. Birdramon, Kabuterimon, and Garurumon converge attacks on him, but he doesn't even flinch. Swatting them away as easily as the giant Devimon did before, SkullGreymon flees the Coliseum and races out into the desert beyond.

There, the dark evolution energy from Taichi's mistake finally runs out. He finally regresses, not just to Agumon but all the way down to Koromon.

As the group reaches Koromon, Taichi scoops him up in his arms.

Taichi: Are you okay!? Koromon: Yeah... But it looks like I did something terrible to you guys... I couldn't stop myself! Piyomon: Don't worry about it. Gabumon: That's right. Tentomon: We completely understand. Koromon: I'm sorry I couldn't rise to your expectations. Yamato: No! It's not your fault, it's.... Taichi: I know. It's mine. Yamato: That's not what I meant. Taichi: That's okay. It's true. Isn't it, Sora? Sora: Yes-- I-I mean-- Taichi: I was rushing ahead without even realizing it. Because I had the Crest, I felt like I had to fight the battles on my own. I'm sorry, everyone. (to Koromon) I'm sorry. Narrator: Although the next evolution stage was reached, it proved to be a mistake. Will they ever learn to evolve the right way?

We close on this somber moment, reflecting on Taichi's mistake. Neither forgiveness nor condemnation offered to him. Only a lesson learned and a hope to do better in the future.

The dub plays this all straight, including the narrator's closing dialogue. Of course, per usual, that's done diegetically.

Tai: You were finally able to Digivolve but it was a huge mistake. I wonder if our Digimon will ever be able to Digivolve the right way? One thing's for sure, I learned my lesson.

However what blows my mind in this final scene is that Koromon's voice is wrong. They have Mimi's actress playing Koromon and it's extremely noticeable. A huge departure from the usual performer who's been playing Koromon as recently as one episode ago. I have no idea why that happened.

Assessment: Here, at last, we're introduced to branching evolution paths and very specifically the concept of dark evolution, a rare occurrence in Digimon media but always a big deal when it comes up. Try to avoid putting your Digimon through that, yeah?

The dub for this episode has a couple of flaws in it, but I'd describe it as almost perfect. Like 95% of the dub for this episode was seamless adaptation, with some of the dub particulars like the diegetic rundowns fitting in perfectly. My biggest complaint here is that they messed up Sora's soccer anecdote, but that's small potatoes compared to some of the other episodes out there.

[saintsenara]

Hi, I’m also Irish and I reckon around the same age but our Halloween experiences could not be more different. Halloween is a big thing where I live and has been for the last 30-40 years. When my parents were younger, it was a different story- peanuts, carves turnips instead of carved pumpkins, etc. I live in Connemara and there are a few pagan rituals the older families here practise, including on Halloween so there’s that as well… I just find it crazy that you haven’t had a trick or treater up till 5 years ago. Is it not so much of a thing in Northern Ireland?

well yes, i suppose there's a specific "why might you not go up to random houses, especially in the nineties" context here...

but - to be clear - i'm not saying that halloween celebrations have never existed here, [or in britain]. humans love any excuse for a party!

nor am i saying that there have never been similarities between halloween celebrations across different places - carving a turnip is essentially the same as carving a pumpkin.

what i'm saying is that the specific "look" of halloween which exists in the transatlantic cultural mind has totally homogenised in the past decade or so, while local traditions have receded. in 2000, we would have had two coexisting modes of thought - "how we do halloween" and "how the americans do halloween" - and we wouldn't have found the latter bizarre or impossible to comprehend, but we would have found it meaningfully different.

[and - in particular - much more extravagant, in a way that makes the extravagance seem like it's been exaggerated for fictional purposes. you know how americans are always amused when europeans discover that red solo cups are actually real, since they're something so associated with cool and hot and aspirational partying in the american media that we consume that we primarily think of them as existing in a fictional context... i always assumed that the lavish house decorations, or children getting so many sweets while trick-or-treating that they last for months, or the concept of halloween shops which only appear in october were similarly exaggerated for "movie magic"... reading the description of halloween in philosopher's stone has that similar movie magic feel - it doesn't just feel fantastical and exciting because it's talking about literal magic, but because it feels like it's describing an exaggerated, big-screen, hollywood version of halloween.]

but by the 2010s those distinctions had basically vanished, and now they totally have. we just have "how halloween is done" [and, beyond that, "how autumn is done"]. how many people do you know who'd still put a turnip out?

also we have to say it... 99% of the "pagan traditions" connected to samhain were made up in the later nineteenth century. and those that weren't tend not to have survived because of pagans...

they're gaelic revival stuff, which makes them interesting as part of historical myth-making and collective identity. the conflation of samhain and halloween is twentieth-century, and directly connected to republican political organisation. which is fascinating! but it's not ancient.

[they also have a much more contemporary political context, in that they're being embraced as part of irish society becoming less dominated by the church and speaking more openly about the church's excesses and abuses. which is something we're absolutely correct to do - but i've noticed an interesting accompanying phenomenon of "the church" and its bad actors being made in some way "unirish", and the fact that enormous numbers of ordinary irish citizens were directly involved in the maintenance of the church's power brushed aside... the idea that there's a true, noble, pre-catholic irish way of behaving is part of this.]

we should also bear in mind that there's a transatlantic connection there too - a lot of "ancient celtic traditions", when they're actually investigated, turn out to have their first mention in the states in the mid-to-late twentieth century. the idea that traditions and modes of behaviour have ancient irish roots is a central part of irish-american identity formation [especially in the latter half of the twentieth century], but they're often traditions which developed in america, which are assigned origins on the island of ireland because the experience of emigration and being severed from the unchanging, mystical homeland is such a significant part of understanding oneself as irish-american. and no matter the giving out we do about them saying "st patty's", we love to go along with this and nod cheerfully when they talk about halloween being the night when the ancient irish believed the veil grew thin.

and so how old are the "old ways" which your neighbours are keeping? because there's a very, very good chance they've only crept in - slowly at first, and then with increasing speed since the millennium - as part of the recent aesthetic and cultural homogenisation surrounding halloween.

[mayhemscorner]

Sage

Itachi x f!reader

Summary: a sage master is rare. Even more rare, is a master of sage mode at such a young age. It was almost unheard of. So how was she capable to use it so effortlessly. (This is sad. I wrote this to help cope with loss recently. To heal, we must first feel pain.)

The flowers were blooming. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel them over my shoulder as my meditation deepens. I could feel the pulse of the leaves slowly unfolding, invisible to the naked eye. The forest was serene and moving, the grass even swayed lazily against the dull breeze. Complete concentration.

The white snake flashes across my vision, striking at my arm venomously. My eyes flash open, revealing a starkly different snake before me. My personal summon, Obake stares intently with his bright orange slitted eyes and flicks his tongue against the mossy green hue of his skin in wonder,” tell me about your time with the white snake.”

“I’m trying to concentrate, sage mode is kind of a tricky thing for us humans, y’know?��� I mutter out, breaking focus and all natural energy becomes void.

“Listen, I’m still young compared to the others at Ryuchi cave. You’re my first ever contract, and I’m curious.” He slithers out, almost showing human emotions on his scaly face. When I was young, I never figured I’d be talking to a snake like I would a friend. I never figured I’d get bitten and learn the tedious path of learning sage mode, let alone I didn’t even know what it was.

“I was ten. I was on a mission as a Genin and lost my team. The white snake found me and offered to test my strength. If her venom killed me or weakened me, i’d be her next meal. If I survived, she would teach me the way of being an unstoppable kunoichi. That’s about it. The rest was up to me. I returned to my village two years later after being presumed dead, and now here we are, many years later.” I huff out, returning to a state of complete stillness, once again quickly interrupted,” so you have special powers because you didn’t die?”

I nod, feeling as the chakra flows to my face and Obake slithering closer,” why does the area around your eyes turn green when you become silent? That’s never happened before.”

“I’m not sure. I can’t say I notice things about my face without a mirror, Obake.” I state blankly, feeling an unsettling chakra move within our area.

“Someone powerful is near. Should we hide?” Obake whimpers out, becoming more puppy like than snake like.

“Obake, aren’t snakes supposed to be villainous and intimidating?” I laugh out, standing to climb around his neck and settle on his large head.

“Manda maybe. That Orochimaru guy and him gave us a bad name. Nobody in the cave really accepts either of them, they have too though. But they live in fear of them.” He slips out, stretching his head above the tree canopy to get a better view. A nature walk just outside the village always turns to trouble, but I choose to ease his worried mind,” Obake, Manda may be the boss, but neither of us have seen him in a while. You’re still growing and look how big you already are. Manda will be nothing but an easy obstacle for us in a few years time, if he hasn’t already met his match.”

The air whips my hair around, obstructing my view for only mere seconds. Apparently it was enough time for a black and red cloak to meld against the tree line and become dangerously close to us. I stand wobbly against Obake’s head and watch the erratic pattern they create.

“Should we get ready for conflict?” He asks. I sit down, conjuring a clone to gather chakra and energy in preparation,” I wouldn’t get too ahead of ourselves yet. It’s Akatsuki, but they may just be passing through. I highly doubt they want anything to do with us… but I am curious.”

I can’t help but to cup my hands around my mouth and shout down,” hey, just letting you know you’re trespassing.”

The figure stops in a tree adjacent to our view, looking up and down before sighing,” I assumed you were someone else, my apologies.”

“If you’re looking for that Orochimaru guy, I’d advise against it.” I laugh back, sitting down next to my comatose clone as the man comes even closer. He lands gently against Obake’s head, leaning down to let his dark eyes meet mine,”My brother. I’m looking for my brother. He’s younger than you, but I’ve heard he’s signed a contract much like yours.”

“I haven’t been to the cave in years. I honestly can’t be much help unfortunately. What’s his name? Obake can always ask around, can’t you?” I question, leaning down to meet one of Obake’s eyes.

“S-sure.” He stutters out, flicking his tail in nervousness. Obake was usually on high alert, but the man in front of us must be powerful to make a giant snake with deadly fangs question his own abilities.

“Sasuke. I must find him soon as my time here is short.” The man replies, coughing gently and leaning forward in exhaustion. I pull him down to sit next to me and raise an eyebrow,” by a short time, you just mean in this area right?”

“Unfortunately, no. Every power must come with a curse. I’m sure you understand. This contract of yours must have some downsides, am I correct?” He asks back. My body stills, thinking of the possibility of turning to stone. Or even the possibility of being stuck in a snake like form forever. I lean back, resting my head against my outstretched arms to look up at the sky,” turning to stone isn’t really an upside. Neither is becoming a snake… no offense Obake. What’s your name anyways?”

“It seems you’ve accepted fate pretty quickly. It’s nice to converse with someone in neutral territory instead of fighting for once. Itachi.” He groans out, leaning down lower and outstretching his hand. I take it begrudgingly, taking in his pale skin, and the smallest drop of blood tinting the side of his lip. His name was highlighted ten times over in the bingo book. We could have enough money to retire early and enjoy life, but seeing his current state, maybe it’s best he live the rest of his days in peace.

“I’m Y/N, this is Obake. The big question is, why are you trusting a stranger that could easily turn you in with your current state, Itachi?” I question, turning to him, seeing he too was watching the clouds,” trust is something you learn to look out for. And a fight with someone your level wouldn’t be worth fighting.”

“Someone my level? I’m not a god.” I chuckle, seeing his head tilt in amusement.

“Do you not realize sage mode is a powerful and dangerous thing to other shinobi? You’ve surely heard of the legendary Sannin of the leaf and their capabilities. You’ve obviously heard of Orochimaru at the least.” He utters out, almost baffled.

“Yeah, but gods are only immortal until they are overpowered. It only takes one wrong move to prove it’s been luck the whole time.” I huff. He tightens his lips in thought,” perfecting sage mode is not mere luck. It’s discipline and hard work. A sage is deserving of the title they’re given. The fact you’ve held a clone this long gathering chakra in fear of conflict, without even breaking a sweat or losing breath, proves the immense chakra you hold. A god is considered a god because of the immense power they were gifted.”

“Like I said, it’s all dumb luck. Not everyone can say they accidentally stumbled in to a cave, received a contract, and stuck with the whole insane idea of it. Let alone be born with enough chakra to power a whole village. It’s almost the same probability of becoming a tailed beast.” I reply blatantly, watching the next question form.

“Do you wish for normalcy? Like the life of a civilian?” Itachi fires back. I think for a moment. It would be an easy and quiet life. Maybe work in a bakery, closing down before evening, coming home every night. It sure would be easy. So easy it would be utterly boring. I shake my head,” no. Maybe be an average shinobi. Receiving simple missions that only last a few days. Escorting visitors of the village, or training academy students. Not dealing with high threat level targets such as the likes of you.”

“You really are quite a complex individual, Y/N. I’m almost appreciative our paths crossed.” He chuckles, finally regaining some strength. Surely it was the natural energy flowing through us from my clone and Obake. It was almost as if we sat atop a giant chakra charging pad. But it was almost time to cut the energy off. I tap his chest with my ring and middle finger just above his heart, something my mother would do when I was younger,” almost is a fine line. I’m sure that comes with the unfortunate curse of not being able to become attached to anyone or anything with your line of work.”

“I wouldn’t really call it work. But you’re right… What are you doing?” Itachi asks, reaching for my hand as I quickly pull it away.

My cheeks flush and I clear my throat, “Force of habit. My mom would do it, saying it connected us during heart to heart conversations like this.”

“I had a similar thing I would do to my brother. It was more so an act of love and adoration. I have weeks left at best, Y/N. Consider it a dying wish… a need, to find my brother.” He sighs, examining my wrist he clutched gently in his two hands, eyes trailing to the scarred over fang punctures. One hand rubs over the two deep divets,” you faced the option of death. I’m guessing at such a young age with these aged scars. I’m sure there was one last thing you wanted to do with the possibility of death looming over you, Y/N.”

“I face the possibility of death every breathing moment of my life. So I do what I want with the exception of assigned missions. Being this powerful, it was thankfully rare until recently. Your organization has been quiet as of recently though… It’s almost concerning. But I at least have a few days to rest with Obake. I do have to say, my last thought before being bit was how good some dango would taste. Then again, I was ten. There wasn’t much I’d experienced at that age to crave something one last time.” I yawn, finally removing my clone before continuing,”If it were now, I would’ve wished to love more, to eat more. Maybe make sure my mother was taken care of. But no one in my life is worth traversing the world in my final days.”

“It’s almost comical. Those of us who have nothing, want nothing but for others to feel loved. Those who have everything only want more. If all you wish for is love, why not seek it?” Itachi yawns contently, eyelashes fluttering slowly against the sunshine before revealing deep crimson eyes.

“I figured you’d be too weak to pull the sharingan on me. But I must say, you had me fooled, Itachi. I take it I’m already under a genjutsu, and you’re moments from killing me.” I sigh defeatedly. He shakes his head with a faint smile,” I am still too weak, Y/N. My sharingan may be strong and feared, but even I know not to start a fight I wouldn’t come close to winning. I am near my limit… I was going to offer a short vision of a life of love, as a thank you for our conversation.”

“It’s not worth your energy to show me something I can find on my own.” I smile back, secretly applying pressure against my palm to make sure he wasn’t lying. In turn, he grabs my hands,” I may be perceived as a merciless killer, but I was never a backstabber. Everything I’ve done has come with reason. It’s up to you to believe me.”

I grip against his hands, finally having the courage to stare intently in to his unblinking eyes,” i apologize if this is too forward. Instead of a vision, would you save your energy and just kiss me instead?”

“You are very forward, I can appreciate that… an odd request, but if that is truly what you wish.” He mumbles out, almost shy.

“I don’t want to be the reason you die before finding your brother. And I believe that even those that are dying… good or bad, deserve one last act of love.” I breathe out, noticing his now very close proximity. He tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear,” I truly wish I had time to learn more of your wisdom. In another life, I feel we would’ve been great friends, possibly even more. Alas, our paths have crossed at the wrong time. But I suppose a kiss will suffice, though a vision of us together could’ve been interesting for both parties.”

“Don’t tempt me, I’m trying to be nice here so you can have a family reunion before croaking.” I smugly reply, offering a soft clasp against his shoulder. He leans in, bringing the scent of fresh pine and campfire smoke. The true smell of a rugged nomad. A complex one at that. Today revealed he might not be the bad guy I see in the bingo book, but an unfortunate soul possibly forced to do another’s bidding. Cursed to face the effects of using a gift some god bestowed unto his clan. Gifts were starting to seem more and more like curses that have been sugar coated to me. Even Obake and I realize the struggle. Sure we accepted it, but one day we will do something about the corruption in Ryuchi cave. If not for us, for people similar to Itachi… Itachi himself. Even if it kills us.

My eyes dare to close against my will, denying me the satisfaction of letting the view of Itachi’s eyes fluttering closed. His hair frames against my cheeks as his lips brush smoothly against mine, waiting for the perfect moment. They finally connect, sealing our meeting and ingraining it permanently in my memories. The feeling of his lips pressing against mine causes anger to settle inside me. The poor luck of the worst timing. The stupidity of kissing one of the most wanted men in the nation, and liking it. My eyes remain closed and my head down as he pulls away, leaving a kiss against my forehead. I finally force them open, watching as Itachi leans backwards and raises a hand. My own hand raises, finding the area just above his heart. As my ring and middle finger taps against his chest, his middle and index finger make contact against the center of my forehead,” in another life, I will find you again, Y/N. A promise I will cherish this moment in the afterlife until we meet again.”

“Until we meet again, Itachi. I hope you find your brother… and peace. If I find you, I’ll make sure you have a proper burial. Even those who are misunderstood deserve to rest in peace.”

“Follow the crows. They’ll lead you to your desire.” He states, dropping his hand and melding away to black feathers in the wind dropping from flapping wings. Another thing I dreamed of had flown from my grasp in a heartbeat. And with every heart beat, I was one step closer to meeting the mysterious man in another life.

“Obake, why don’t you return home for the day. I think we’ve had enough training and adrenaline for today.” I mutter, laying on my stomach against his head, seeking comfort in the giant snake and the thing I trusted most.

“Y/N, do you think we’ll meet in another life as well?” He asks, dropping his head slowly to the ground. I giggle slightly,” of course, Obake. Now that I got you, I couldn’t live without you. But you will one day have to live without me. My life span is incredibly short compared to yours, but I’ll happily wait for you.”

“We’ll always be heroes, you and me. Unlike that guy, we still have time on our side. Right, Y/N?” He questions again with a concerned tone. I drop down to the ground and turn to place a hand between the slits of his nose, watching his eyes close in content,” always. We’ll start with small changes. But I promise that we will better Ryuchi cave and the shinobi lands soon. For now, we both need rest.”

He finally nods, disappearing with a cloud of smoke and a tired yawn with his tongue flicking high in the air.

It was a few hours until I returned home. The soft glow from the living room window reveals the sleeping figure of my mother, and I couldn’t wait to be in that state myself. My head hits the pillow, and it was the quickest sleep has claimed me since I was born.

Several days later, I find myself strolling the streets and stopping at multiple vendors. I find food for the next few days, preparing for a daunting mission at the end of the week. A flicker of movement to my left sets me on guard. Scanning the building ledges, I find a single black crow staring at me intently with familiar red eyes. My heart sinks, yet I feel at peace knowing Itachi held his promise. It’s wings take off against the wind and I’m quick to follow, beginning to sprint down the street and dropping my bags at the entrance of my house. Until I reach the treeline, I lose the crow several times, waiting for it to loop back around. Several minutes in the forest, I finally stop to summon Obake.

“Y/N! Is there danger? I thought your mission wasn’t until this weekend?” Obake yelps out, quickly dropping his head and letting me climb on.

“Follow the crow, Obake. It’s Itachi.” I pant out, kneeling down and keeping my eye on the bird floating gracefully ahead. Obake is silent for several moments, quickly slithering with precision through the forest,” so he was serious.”

“And so was I.” I choke out as the tears catch up with my thinking, pouring hotly down my cheeks.

We end at a desecrated battle field. Blood was splattered in multiple areas and rubble lay recklessly around. The crow perches against an old and decrepit stone foundation. It lets out a guttural caw before flapping away as I approach it. Itachi’s body lay still and cold, looking as if he were just resting like the other day.

“Obake, let’s take him to the forest. No one deserves to be left in deserted land. He deserves to be surrounded with life.” I mumble out, trying to lift him with a struggle. Obake finally comes close, using his tail to gently wrap around Itachi and setting him gently above his face. We both continue in in silence. My puffy eyes dart to his body every few seconds, hoping to find any sign of life and still knowing it wouldn’t be there. When we reach a clearing surrounded by a perfect circle of trees, I tap my hand against Obake,” What about here?”

“I think it’s perfect.” He replies, once again dropping down and lifting his tail to grab Itachis still form. Before i begin the daunting task, i take a moment to extend my to fingers to drop over his still heart, taking several seconds before pulling away. Digging a hole was hard knowing you would have an even harder time filling it. But it’s exactly what I do, pulling the excess dirt at the end to set a large stone down with Obake’s help. My kunai scratches against it noisily, carving words that hold meaning.

In another life. A trial of time stands between being reunited. A brother, a shinobi, a hero.

Anyone who happens to wander by, didn’t need to know he was ever seen as bad. Everyone deserves to be viewed as a hero, even if it is in death. I finally drive my kunai down in to the very top of the stone and stalk off to pick flowers at the edge of the clearing. When I return, Obake was coiled up and a fang missing from his mouth and now placed below the stone. As I arrange the flowers in a blanket like pattern, I laugh,” why did you suffer the pain of losing a tooth for a man we just met?”

“Same as you suffering the pain of a broken heart for a man we just met. I think we need to feel pain to heal, right? And now, there will always be a piece of us by his side.” Obake chirps out, resting his head against his curled body. I stifle another laugh, knowing the young snake knew very little of human emotion, yet tried so hard to understand.

“It’s a different kind of pain. It’s like the feeling of being drained after a hard fight knowing you still have to somehow make it home.” I explain, standing to make my way to the green serpent. I lay in the center if his tight circular form, relaxing as his body wraps protectively inwards.

“When you put it that way, then I suppose the only way to heal internal pain is rest.” He says, closing his eyes and flicking his tail to finish wrapping around me.

“I suppose you’re right.” I trail off in to a yawn before continuing,” if your other fang happen to fall out in the near future, can we make one in to a sword?”

Obake laughs in reply,” of course. But for now, we shall rest.”

And rest we shall, knowing Itachi was at peace, and somewhere waiting to uphold his promise. I made a personal promise to myself in that moment to make sure Itachi would never be forgotten, he was out there and prepared to watch us make the world a better place… starting with Ryuchi cave. It was useless to count how many heart beats it took until we finally meet again, but I would make the most of every beat, and every second it took… until we meet again.

[techforevil]

January 2025 | monthnote

Is it even a new year if I don't make some doomed attempt at weeknotes?

Random notes inc work stuff

Vicky dying still does not feel real. I feel privileged I got to spend some siginifcant time with her when she came along to Conferencia Agile Spain (like most people I primarily knew her from her writing and online presence, altho we met briefly a few times when we overlapped at GDS) and was hoping to follow up on a few things we talked about at GovCamp but equally it means I can't just indulge in my full-on denial mode...

Worked through xmas-ny break like usual. It's usually a chill time unless I am in this department, where apart from the ongoing time-sensitive work lots of random emergencies happened. So glad I'm off for a couple of weeks now, I've not had a proper break since Japan in March/April and I'm shattered.

Overall so much random and weird shit was going down at the end of Dec / start of Jan (including both me and my flatmate having very strange dreams) I was beginning to suspect a gas leak... 🙃

Got extended till Feb 2026 in my current contract. 🎉 It should make getting a mortgage easier, now just fingers crossed that the property does not get down valued like the last one and my sellers find something they want to purchase soon.

Quite a lot of change at work, lots of it quite neatly coinciding with my leave. The migration from GOV.UK PaaS my team was prepping for for the last year got delayed last minute and now I'll be missing it but I'm sure it will all go fine.

Booked in with Keemee for a tatoo just after the holiday. 🌺

Govcamp happened and I was mostly helping our rather than going to sessions. :o Good times as usual, felt particularly busy this year for a 'normal edition'. I really like that we finally have a bit of a Teacamp return with TransformGov Talks and also sort of DataBites! \o/

Spanish classes are back. I've not signed up for Korean yet, there's probably a fair bit I can do to brush up close to my former level by myself if I just find the motivation. :s

Watched

Lots of Taskmaster, the perfect crocheting accompaniment (see below)

Nosferatu - the scene in castle 100% played like something from What We Do in the Shadows, I'm not even sorry for giggling throughout. 😔 Needed more Dafoe hamming it up. I was shocked the cat was not named in the credits - breaking a sacred tradition of cinema. 4 stars.

Presence - not a horror, not my kinda thing otherwise (family drama). The central gimmick could be fun in an actual horror movie tho. Another one they kind of employ ('not being bound by time') is sort of redundant because the progression is linear (I suppose otherwise the twist would be ruined). The marketing vs movie kind of fell in place for me when I realised it's the same distributor as Longlegs which was also underwhelming.

Late Feb / March seems staked with releases I want to see: The Monkey, The Last Showgirl, Mickey 17, Death of Unicorn... probably more. Those are just the trailers I saw before Presence lol.

Played

This is probably between Dec-Jan rather than strictly Jan.

Fledgling Manor - Stefan's route only, basically not sure how the other ones can top it so I lost interest but it seems all need to be played to resolve some plot points so maybe in the future...

Sorry We're Closed - I thought this would be a VN but it's a survival horror and I find the shooting stressful haha. You can say I hould have read the description before buying but I was blinded by the art. -_-

bits of Arco (love the mechanics and the story is good but I got stuck at an encounter I can't pass but I'm too stubborn to back out and return at higher level), Animal Well, Stanley Parable (at very long last - yes, it's as good as I thought it would be), I Was a Teenage Exocolonist (tbh the mechanics were more interesting to me in a more down to earth setting of Growing Up), Cryptmaster (Steamdeck does not work well for this).

Waiting for Yakuza in Hawaii, more Hades 2 patches, next Deltarune chapters, and Ghost of Tsushima sequel + Assassins Creed Japan (open world map marker slop > therapy, don't @ me).

Makes

Decima is still closed so no pottery. I've probably forgotten 100% of what little I could do. I'll probably do a course at Mudgang when I'm back to return to some working level and then get either a studio space subscription from them or Turning Earth near Haggerston, depending on how the flat buying is coming along.

In the meantime I have finally sort of learned how to crochet. I got a kit from TOFT to make a black and white cat, resembling Bella a bit. I tried crocheting before a few times (I learned very basic knitting during lockdown and have half a pride blanket from Wool & the Gang somewhere) but it always ended up with me crying, once in public. 🥲 The kit said it's level 2 so I got another level 1 one (labrador)

TBF they are not that different, cat requires changing colours which is actually not hard if you get over the initial barrier to entry of crocheting anything at all. 😬 The cat is also bigger which makes the process much less fiddly.

TOFT instructions are quite barebones and don't have any interim 'this is what it should look like by now' pics which as a complete beginner is quite rough, but I think I managed to make decent approximations of the cover images. I made some changes to the cat on purpose.

Belly disagrees.

The biggest issue I have with TOFT kits so far is that the amount of yarn provided leaves no room for errors or even leaving longer tails. With both patterns I made mistakes (crocheting with dark yarn is particularly hard going if you don't know wtf you're doing) and the yarn started fraying real bad so I had to chop it. I actually had to buy more yarn (which doesn't exactly match...) to finish the cat at all. :(

I got yarn and patterns for two sheep (Seth and Tobias) from them to keep busy on the upcoming flights so we'll see how consistent this minimalism is. 😬

Anyway then I went crazy at John Lewis sales so I have lots of materials now, just need patterns and ideas. The first one is not going particularly well and I'm losing my patience sligtly, might swap to something else.

またね! ✌️😗

[ace-of-artemis]

6 of cups rev

moving on from the past

7 of cups rev

gaining clarity

king of swords

adding more structure to my life, more self discipline

lately has been a time of a lot of reflection. a lot of thinking, a lot of retreating into my own brain space, a lot of sitting with myself in a way where I relieve myself of judgment, and it’s been so edifying to my spirit. genuinely. I’ve spent the last several years wrestling with myself, with god, with angels, demons, anything I could fight with it seems and I feel like I’ve finally come to a reprieve. like maybe I’ve finally done what the powers that be, the universe, god, whom or whatever has wanted me to do this whole time. I am so goddamn mean to myself, meaner than anyone outside of me could ever hope to be I think. I think I’m finally figuring out how talk to myself the way I should have been talked to as a child. without so much..harshness I suppose. none of this is to say I’m anywhere near done but god it feels so good to be out of the doldrums. I’ve been in fight/flight/etc survival mode for a very very long time and I think my nervous system is finally calming down to where maybe I can just savour life. My life is so much better than it has ever been despite there being things that I wish were better or slightly different or completely different. I feel like I can rest here a while and do what I need to do while I wait for the chapter I want so badly. I’ve wanted to get out of the city I’m in for several years now and that’s a distinct possibility in the next handful of years and that’s comforting despite the discomfort that comes with all that change. I feel like I’m going to be okay.

[shae-s-heartsong]

On unusual reactions and complex situations (GO2 ending)

So, I see a lot of interesting theories, analyses and speculations about what happens at the end of S2 out there, and regardless of if I agree with them or not, I keep track of everything, because every perspective is interesting and enriching.  I do observe, though, that a lot of these posts assume things about how Aziraphale and Crowley react (and I mean, I DO THAT AS WELL), and use these assumptions as arguments for their theories - without nuancing them.

The thing is that we don’t exactly know for sure what happened exactly in both our character’s heads; and we don’t know how they are supposed to react to the situation. Because we never had such a situation. YES, we had similar situations, which helps to have an idea of what’s normal or what’s not, or at least what is usual. But that’s just what it is. Ideas. And while it is totally valid to try to make a point and use the examples and clues we have, it is important to nuance them, if you theorize (speculating is a different thing). If I’m writing that, it’s because a lot of people seem to focus on the fact that Crowley’s reaction after Aziraphale left is unusual and like I said, use that as an argument.

From what I read, it seems difficult to imagine that Crowley’s so calm and still, that he barely shows anything, that he’s not getting angry or shouting or something like that. To that, I want to answer: by what standard? Why do you assume that he should ALWAYS react the same way to things that affect him? And why does his body language seem so strange to so many people?

Personally, I didn’t find that strange (but I am autistic so not the biggest authority for that tbh). In fact we already saw him reacting in similar ways.  Now I know that I said that it wasn’t enough of an argument, but I read many people saying that we didn’t. But we did. For example, after Aziraphale and him had an argument because of Gabriel, when he goes to his car, he looks absolutely exhausted and he probably would have stayed like that if Beelzebub did not appear in his car.

I know that this happens after he gets angry, but it still proves that he can show that type of behavior, if he’s tired enough. We can reasonably imagine that the kiss he gave to Aziraphale was a gesture of despair and replaced the “I’m getting angry” phase. We can also imagine that Aziraphale still rejecting his offer (which in his mind is probably rejecting him) after THREE different attempts to make him change his mind (1- try to convince him 2- kiss him 3- wait for him) was enough to just absorb all of his energy, all of his anger, all of his frustration. Maybe he’s just DONE. Maybe he just doesn’t always react that way. I mean, he was so close to obtaining what was, in his eyes, happiness. It’s something that never happened before - at least not with Aziraphale so close to say yes. Can you imagine how crushing that must be for him to let go of that hope?  And well, maybe the anger will come. After. Things only just happened. He’s still processing them. 

I could go on and talk about other details that seem to bother people but it’s rather useless -  I mean, maybe I’m wrong, and also, I think that there are pieces that we might not have yet. It’s just that I’m frustrated when people don’t go for reasonable assumptions before diving into more obscure theories (using these primal elements as introduction or simply nuance).

And I’m frustrated when people say that Crowley, or Aziraphale, shouldn’t react the way they do - I know that details matter in Good Omens, but also, you can’t expect them to exhibit the exact same behavior in situations with different degrees of stakes. (I don’t know if I make sense). And I think this is one of the most complex, delicate situations they have ever been in - after centuries of living in survival mode, they finally come to the crashing point where there life model isn’t enough anymore, when even the love they share for each other is no longer enough - because their belief systems, their desires and the state of their trauma processing are on complete opposition. And they have to finally face it - without the other. This is unprecedented. 

[thelampisaflashlight]

Every so often I have to remind myself that, "Yeah, bud, you went through a lot of shit." because someone will say something to me like I wouldn't understand, either because I've masked my trauma well enough, or they, for one reason or another, have decided that pain is somehow a contest, and that even referencing my own issues is me going, "Oh, poor, poor pitiful me!"

When, really, it's me going, "Oh, huh, I can kind of relate to that, but I don't really want to say, 'Ah, that's relatable' because that kind of downplays the whole thing-"

Oftentimes, when I talk about what I've gone through, it's more so to just... get it out there, I suppose.

And, although I'm not my trauma, I am the person it made of me.

It is part of who I am.

A weird, squiggly pile of something in my gut.

But, going back to the beginning...

I have to remind myself, sometimes, that I went through the things I did, because, like a lot of people who have trauma, I am still existing in survival mode.

And when you're trying to survive, you don't put much thought to the things you've already endured, just what'd going on now.

So you when you're worked up/anxious about things going on in the present, you're not looking back and thinking, "Well, I've gone through worse-"

Because the circumstances you were under then were different, they were extraordinary in the grand sense, not a good one.

Just because I am getting anxious over something small despite having dealt with greater problems in the past does not invalidate how I am feeling -then or now- nor does it diminish the pain and suffering of others.

However, there are times when a problem we might be facing needs to take a sideline to something else, because of the circumstances/nature of that problem.

For example; A printer being jammed and needing fixing is annoying and definitely something that needs to be taken care of, but if Steve from marketing has just hurt his leg on the stairs and needs help getting to the urgent care, Steve takes priority in this case.

This doesn't mean the printer being jammed suddenly stops being a problem though, or that no one cares about it being jammed/that someone won't come back around and go, "Okay, what can I do to help with this?"

It just means some things require more immediate action.

So, like, sometimes I'm the person dealing with the printer -or maybe I am the printer in some metaphorical sense- and other times I'm Steve.

And sometimes someone else is Steve, and, maybe, I'm Dave from accounting, who knows Steve and is worried about him.

Or, maybe, hell, maybe I'm Kyle, who doesn't know Dave or Steve or that the printer is jammed, and I just want to get my day over with, but there's other things going on so I have to wait until it's done to proceed.

Oftentimes, I am Kyle.

Waiting for the appropriate time to send a meme in the groupchat after someone just talked about something stressful.

Which is why other channels exist.

Also worth noting that being a "Kyle" in that sort of situation is not a bad thing.

Sometimes we're just in our own lane.

Something, something, I'm just rambling at this point, but yeah.

Today I'm the printer, but I'm good.

Just running low on magenta, ya know?

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Growing up is so weird. Yes, I'm 35, and I still say I'm growing up. I feel like that's literally what life is, and when I say I aspire to be like someone I admire when I grow up, then that is literally what I mean. I'm growing up literally as I type this and it's kind of fucking amazing. I am always in search of ways to absorb as much as I can about the things I care about and I'm always trying to figure out how to break away from the coping mechanisms I learned when I was young because that's one of the biggest parts of growing up as an adult. I feel bad for the people who are always in a rush to have it all figured out right now.

I truly believe that life was never meant for us to get it all figured out right now. If you're 25 and upset you're not married with a white picket fence and 3 perfect symmetrical children or promoted to the high up position at a company you just started working at a year ago or anything else that you're doing to hide from the actual work everyone of us should be doing.

Stop trying to race to the end of the story. It's your story, and you're skipping ahead and missing the key moments in your life. Success is not measured by some fucked up belief that you're supposed to be best you can be right now. That leaves so little room for growth. This entire world came to be because of evolution and evolution is a painful and long process. Success isn't based on having it all right now. Success is based on whether or not you are choosing to evolve instead of saying, "That's just the way I am" or "This is how I was raised" or believing that being miserable is okay with you because you fear change.

Change is scary, but it's also exciting and completely necessary. We can all choose to leave old mentalities behind. We're allowed to change our minds about anything we choose, and we are most certainly allowed to continue to learn from our mistakes. If you're down on your luck or feel trapped in your own life, then you need to start asking yourselves the right questions. Instead of saying "why is this always happening to me" or "I guess I deserve this horrible thing that happened to me" or the worst of all: Believing that being an adult means you can't change a bad situation you're in or an ongoing negative cycle you continue to engage in because somewhere along the way society told you that being adult equalled being miserable and this is your lot in life then please hear me out. We all have the capacity to change our situations, our poor habits, and coping skills we only learned while engaging in survival mode. This is not some big huge moment that takes place, and poof all of the sudden, your life is everything you dreamed. Sorry, I wish it was, but change happens when and ONLY WHEN we decide we MUST change. Time will go on and one day you'll turn around and realize you're happy, or life is going really well, and all you had to do was realize the only person responsible for your experience is yourself.

Take responsibility for your own life, stop comparing it to all the other dicks on social media, and do something different. Your situation or whatever it is will eventually get better but not by some fake movie grand gesture. It's a culmination of a lot of really small moments that you can miss and rushing to the end of your story without gratitude for what you actually have in this life is not living. It's not engaging, and it's definitely not showing up to your own life. That is hurtful behavior to not only yourself but the people around you that count on you.

Do a deep dive, figure out your thing, consult experts or literature if needed, and start openly talking about the things that matter to you without apology .It's your story, and you have the power to choose the right ending for yourself.

[holisticdetective42]

Three years. Three years I’ve survived in this god forbidden wasteland. All for what? To be surrounded? To be trapped in a fucking grocery store at my wits end with nearly no supplies and at least three Drainer ships outside? They came for the water. It’s ironic, I used to pride myself on keeping others hydrated and now… well I’ve watched everyone die. At least Flo went quickly. She was always so beautiful and cheery, I couldn’t have watched her slowly dehydrate like the rest. Not when she was always so happy. Besides, she always said she was nothing without her work. I shake my head, but it makes me a little wobbly. I shouldn’t even be standing right now. That damn insurance. Flo was always in work mode, selling to anyone with a car or a house. We were always so different, she was all about her job and I worked kids birthday parties for fuck’s sake. The kids used to love me, I’d do tricks while my wife sold their parents insurance. I never felt particularly bad for the insurance bit, as my tricks usually ended in property damage.

When they came, most didn’t know what to do. Flo was killed by drainers in the first week, shot right through the head because she thought being friendly with them might work. I was a little smarter. As long as I could get to a spot the drainers wouldn’t find, I could get into almost any building and be safe. I always had a talent for getting into places, and it was for that that I gathered a small group around me. Just a few people, but they didn’t mind how large I was or my unconventional looks. Something about the apocalypse makes you overlook the superficial differences. We lost most of the crew when the drainers learned English, started sounding like humans. It was just me and peanut until… well until today. He’d always been a little out of touch but I felt close to him. We were in the same boat really, before the drainers. Now it’s just me. Alone in the supermarket, and I have no plan, no ideas. Those were never my strong suit, I’m more of a burst-in-swinging kind of guy.

But I can hear them talking now. The drainers.

“The large strange one went in there. Should we follow?”

“I’m not sure. Was that red stuff… was it blood? The stuff that normally comes out of them? It looked different.”

“I’m sure it didn’t. And it’s alone after we killed the other thing. I think following it in and killing it quickly might be best.”

I hear the front doors to the store shatter, but I am too weak to move. At least they’re coming to me. I’m not sure exactly what it takes to kill me, but I know I could take at least two of these fuckers before I go down for good. I hear them approaching. They’re close now. Following my trail, I’m sure. I see the first one and he’s ugly as all hell.

“Are you prepared to die, earthling?”

I don’t dignify that with a response. The second one rounds the corner.

“Idiot, the ones leaking this much never say anything.”

“Just following protocol.”

The first one raises his weapon and points it at me. I wait for the shot because I want to see the look on the dumb fuck’s face. He pulls what I suppose should be described as a trigger and I feel the shot hit somewhere near my face. I can see red pouring out of me and I look down to put my finger in it. It occurs to me I’ve never tried any, so I take a taste. I’m fucking sweet, energizing, and delicious. I look up at the drainer and I see every other one I’ve killed. I see the one that took Flo from me. I look up at him and his friend and I stand until I tower over them as their faces on tort in what I can assume is fear. They haven’t seen this happen before. Now I’m looking down at them, right in the first one’s eyes, and I only have two words.

“OH YEAH!”

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[bisexualmikisayaka]

so

what the fuck did they do with adult melissa

i saw someone talk about how they’ve sort of tamed adult misty compared to how batshit she was in s1, which i agree with (i suppose someone had to be the semblance of a moral core after nat’s untimely demise), so it makes me very excited that she’s switching back to murder mode when making plans with tai

speaking of taissa, oof ouch rip my second favorite s1 relationship :( back when shauna was still a sympathetic character their bond meant so much to me. that scene where they laid on the bed together, ugh! it truly speaks to how off the rails shauna’s become this season and how utterly destroyed tai is that van is gone

killing van and lottie in the adult timeline were poor decisions. what’s the point of reintroducing both of them and then just taking them out with such little character development? the plot points those deaths served could have been done in literally any other way, it just felt like it was for shock value only

the other issue i had was that things happened in the team timeline because the adult timeline needed them to, not because they were logical character choices or plot developments. i had this issue in season 2 as well. there’s no way shauna’s dictatorship would have gone as unchallenged, especially when NAT HAD THE GUN. i also really didn’t like that they never followed up on how they survived the first winter - i know their whole deal with survival is unrealistic lol but going from the s2 finale to s3e1 just felt particularly egregious in its handwave

on the matter of power plays, it’s true that shauna’s journals were the inciting blackmail material (which also seems to run counter to the whole idea of “we couldn’t remember what we did out there!” lol), but taissa, you may want to remember that you sent jessica roberts out there to test everyone’s ability to keep their mouth shut, thereby sparking a whole lot of what happens in season 1! i don’t really mind that she’s a little hypocritical this way, though, because this is a show about traumatized people making bad choices and it’s in character for a grieving, vengeful taissa to shunt all the blame to shauna (of which she deserves plenty. but not all!)

i am a mistynat for lifer and i am also a “they should have recast adult nat” for lifer. her dynamic with misty was one of the best parts of the adult timeline and with all the context we have now from the teen timeline i am really feeling her absence

in a season dedicated almost exclusively to shauna’s need for interpersonal control (whether you buy that progression or not, it’s where they’re taking her character) i am sooo interested to see what they do with jeff now that he’s chosen callie over her, and also what they do with callie. they’ve shown her struggle with her darker impulses as well as her guilt, need for approval, and realization that her mother is actually kind of a terrible person. i hope she’s able to break the cycle but i do kind of believe that jeff will die at the hands of one shipman-sadecki woman and i’m not quite sure which it’ll be

to end on a positive note, while i am sad to see mari pit girl confirmed, i really liked the recontextualization of what we saw in the pilot! this wasn’t a regular ritual, it wasn’t smooth, there’s no reveling in this violence; it’s actually much more indicative of a breaking point than anything else. super interesting

all in all, better season than s2, but s1 seems more and more like the only one they had a concrete plan for lol

[rantsandreblogs]

Uncertainty. Right now everything is uncertain.

I applied for jobs a couple days ago. I haven’t heard back from any of them. TBH I am a lot less confident I will get any of them than I was when before I did. The online application forms are simply not made for my situation.

Heck, one job required you to put in the high school you attended by typing until it fills in the rest….only it didn’t have my high school in it’s data base and it wouldn’t let you simply type in an answer. And believe me, the forms aren’t keen on informal employment in your family’s business when everyone you worked with is now dead! I’m sure one place will just assume I am lying and toss my application.

But it’s not just jobs, it’s everything. Despite the fact I was paying the taxes and repairs on the car and truck, they were in Mom’s name still when she died. (I didn’t want to rile my brother before by asking for them to be changed to my name, and since they were on Mom’s insurance it had saved me that money) My brother is the executor of the state, and I thought he had sorted it out weeks ago when I sent him all the info. Today he called me to ask the colors of the vehicles, and it turns out he is still trying to get it all fixed. He is trying to do everything “right” but he keeps finding out things that the rules complicate. I could here the mounting agitation in his voice, as he was telling me he knows I have to drive them (ex. 10 miles from a grocery store) but that he thinks they aren’t supposed to be driven by anyone, and…

Actually, it occurs to me he has a long fear of getting in trouble, that he will make some mistake in some little thing and end up in jail. For instance, he isn’t upset at people trespassing on the farm for fear of thieves or vandalism, like me, but that they will get hurt and he will end up being sued. Or the boat, his fear is that there will be an oil leak and he will go to jail. He is terrified of ending up in court. And I get it! But the fear, which he translates as aggression towards the world like a scared dog biting, is not only bad for his health and the emotions of everyone around him, but means he makes extreme decisions.

And then he started freaking out about the checking account Mom and I shared. They had a monthly auto payment from her savings account to it that went through after her death, and now he’s afraid he will be accused of stealing the money. Never mind that since it went to that checking account I am the one with control over, I expect any trouble would be to me. His only possible error was not ending the auto transfer that had been running for years and years. Besides, we are the only two heirs! Just subtract whatever got transferred from whatever I should get as my half. But he is in “Arrrghhhh!!! I could get in trouble!!!!” mode.

(For the record, I do have another account that’s just me. If I can just get a dang job I won’t worry about mixing my money with the estate.)

Until the estate is settled there is so much I can’t do, or don’t know if I should do. Can I work on this, should I fix that , am I even allowed to use this other thing, do I pay for this or is it the estate still…

Meanwhile I wait to hear back about the jobs.

Hearing my brother’s voice only made me more desperate to get one. I NEED enough money to pay my share of the taxes as well as continue my baseline survival. If I am forced to sell my share of the property to him I know he won’t sell it**, but I know he will log it if money gets tight (by his standards, luxury by mine! LOL). I am reminded of his high strung side and how impossible he will be to talk to once he decided something should be done. Basically, if I sell my share I lose all say because to way in hell will he listen to me, but if I can afford to pay the taxes on it so don’t sell we have equal shares and he won’t be able to log without me.

I can’t control the estate being settled. I no control over what my brother does. I have no control over whether I get a job from these applications.

The simple fact is, everything important in my life and survival are out of my direct control right now. I just have to wait to see how things settle before I work on any of the big stuff, and worrying about it all isn’t helping.

Time I think to go work on some of the things I do have control over. They might not be important, and might even prove pointless if things go really badly, but at least they will take my mind off the worried waiting.

**100% certain of that. The share our screwy cousin gave away when she died still upsets him. He wants to buy that lady’s share back, but the stock market mess has been at exactly the WRONG time for when he planned to do it. His intent was to buy out the lady, then buy my share out slowly over a number of years, and put the land in a trust for his sons. Logging the land so it can “pay for itself” is another of his intentions. And that’s the source of my anxiety.

It’s all well and good to make sure I have lifelong rights to walk in the woods included in our deal, but what does it matter if he logs all my favorite area? I acknowledge some logging will inevitably happen, but I need some say, esp since his love of the woods is of a memory from growing up, while for me it’s a living place I go to more often than most people go in their backyards. The only hope I have to influence is money.