thelampisaflashlight

[thelampisaflashlight]

mwah

[thelampisaflashlight]

Me, last night, half awake, about to go to bed, sees my friends in a discord call: "...I'm going to dive into why some people are attracted to monsters and cryptids-"

[thelampisaflashlight]

[thelampisaflashlight]

The continued adventures of Retail Ghoul, today's adventures include:

-The daily customer mantra that "You are very small and doing a job that I don't think makes sense for you!" despite the fact that I unloaded and stacked about 2,000lbs. of bird seed solo once because I felt like it, but let's worry about the 5ft 1-2in tall person hauling a single 50lbs. bag, because apparently I'm not supposed to be able to do that.

And...

-Fighting a pallet jack for fifteen minutes straight because our parking lot is a crater with random gravel pits, meaning I couldn't get the bird seed inside, and had to work outside while it was cold and windy, plus bonus pollen.

The polite bonus was that the woman I called to handle a mix up with the bird seed (missing five bags) said I was very easy to work with, and honestly that's probably the nicest compliment you can get from a customer care employee, because they have to deal with some shit.

[thelampisaflashlight]

Old Aches

[A ficlet about domestic Dewther, in which Aether wakes up to an unhappy Dew, but the problem is easily solved. Brought to you by my hip feeling like someone tried to shuck it like a clam.] Below the cut.

It's late when Aether feels Dew stir beside him, at least he thinks it's late, he can't be bothered to open his eyes to check, so his first instinct is to grunt in confusion as the smaller man tosses and turns, clearly in some kind of mild distress.

"Aeth... Aeth, can you..." The quint's ears perk at the sound of Dew's low whisper, something about the raspy hiss it carries prompting him to turn over to face him, eyes still shut as he lets out a curious hum, "My hip feels like it's separating from my body..."

Reaching out in the darkness, Aether easily finds Dew's leg, frowning when he feels how tense the muscle is, and works his way up, squeezing as he goes, "Stop trying to stretch it, you're pulling in the opposite direction, let the muscle relax."

"It's kind of hard to do that when the fucking bone feels *wrong*, Aeth!" Dew whines as Aether finally finds his hip and begins to massage it through his pajama bottoms, "Ow..."

"Your skin feels a little cold, did you kick the blankets off earlier?" Aether asks, cracking his eyes open ever so slightly to gauge the situation better, "I told you it was going to get cold..."

Dew huffs, and Aether can see the faintest hint of tears gathering in his eyes, "Maybe, I don't know... I woke up and shit hurt and my legs were cold, okay?"

Aether slides more of the blanket over Dew, humming, "You probably started to overheat and needed to cool down..."

"Mystery solved then..." Dew grumbles, letting Aether pull him in, "I'm gonna hook my leg, change the angle..."

"Okay." Aether lets Dew adjust himself as he pleases until he's in a position he deems comfortable, using Aether's hip to elevate his own slightly, "You know, this set up kind of reminds me of-"

"Shhh..."

"Oh? You're shushing me?"

"Pillows don't talk."

Aether snorts, closing his eyes again, "Yes, but husbands do."

"Husbands don't if they want their aching partners to go back to sleep."

"Mn, fair enough."

Wrapping his arms around Dew, Aether feels himself begin to drift back to sleep, mindful of his leg, and gives a little huff.

"Feel better?" he whispers.

"Much." Dew replies, yawning directly into his face.

"...Your breath smells like toast."

"Shhh... Shhhut up. Shhhh..."

"We should have toast for breakfast..." Aether yawns in return, "...Sound good?"

"Yeahhh... nn...."

"Dew...?"

"Nn..."

"Oh, back to sleep...? Okay..."

[thelampisaflashlight]

Dew, holding his phone in despair: "My weather app keeps saying 'Rain is coming', but what about Dew? When does Dew get to come?" -sobbing, throws his phone- "I hate him!" Swiss, looking at Rain: "I think you're gonna have to do something about that before he kills someone." Aeon, crouching under where Dew's phone, now imbedded in the drywall, narrowly avoided ending him: "Preferably sooner rather than later!" Rain, who made the mistake of denying Dew one too many times, now fearing for his life, holding up his own phone: "Baby, the weather updated to say it's going to be cloudy-" Dew: -angry screeching, lifting the countertop up- Rain: "AH!" Swiss, grabbing for his coffee and Aeon: "Go, go, go!" Aeon: "Is Rain going to die??" Swiss: "That would be a mercy at this point, and when have you known Dew to be merciful?" Aeon, looks back, sees Dew swinging the countertop: "I mean, he went for blunt force trauma instead of stabbing-"

[thelampisaflashlight]

I have a habit of talking to myself at work when I'm doing inventory in the mornings alone, because no one is around and it gives me a chance to just ramble about shit and/or complain a little out loud, and, honestly?

Crazy as it sounds, it has done wonders for my mood and general sanity during the rest of my work day.

I basically just walk the shop floor with my clipboard, sometimes accompanied by the shop cat, going down my list and talking about how I have to do this or that.

If I say things out loud, nine times out of ten I remember it better anyway, but it also makes the task seem less daunting.

So yeah, I even yap while alone, who would have thought?

[thelampisaflashlight]

Retail Ghoul Returns.

[thelampisaflashlight]

My D&D NPCs so far have been:

A half fey-elven deer man sorcerer, who is the son of Oberon and an older NPC who has a lot of lore and is a known wh- *is shot* ...entrepreneur. Started off as a bit character, who became the party's neighbor and was later saved from a vampire by, and is now in a loving relationship with another NPC the party rescued from a separate incident.

A silver dragon bard in the guise of a bunny man, who practices law Legally Blonde style, and has an apartment filled with early 2000's inflatable furniture. He's the party's lawyer, but while attempting to talk to his god/the fates, he got so high he projected into Dionysus' realm and is now on a days long bender from which he may or may not return permanently changed.

And as of last session:

A half elf fighter who is the ancestor of the deer man and his mother, who resides in the realm of the gods, and is Poseidon's prize fighter/cupbearer. He has jester's privilege, and a lot of unchecked baggage.

The first had the most thought put into him, the second was built up over time and then mostly winged in session, and the latter, once again, has thought put into him, but was developed in under a week.

The only one who has a proper character sheet is the sorcerer as well, because I largely play NPCs, and act as a conduit for character interaction/secondary voice for NPCs.

I also make props sometimes, because giving the players physical objects to hold incites chaos nine times out of ten.

[thelampisaflashlight]

I made a plush of my friend's dnd character, a kobold, and it turned out too cute and I almost cried when I put it into a gacha ball I had lying around, because it looked like he was in an egg.

You could say I'm a little unhinged tonight.

[thelampisaflashlight]

Me at work: "Hi, yes, how can I help you today? Ah, yes, fantastic, let me just get that sorted for you, and will there be anything else? Excellent, we carry a wide variety, let me give you a basic idea of what we have to offer so we can narrow things down for you to make it easier to come to a decision on that-"

Also me at work, perched atop the corn holding a clipboard before the shop opens, in the voice of a wizard: "Ahhh, yeeeesss, the corn, the corn that is fed to deer, the deer corn... Mn, yesss, 67 bags of corn... Mmmm... yes, much corn, so much corn... Yesss... We needn't buy more..." -stares down at the shop cat- "...Did I feed you yet? No? Ah, shit, why didn't you tell me sooner-"

[thelampisaflashlight]

Me, going to work this morning: "Okay, I just have to submit payroll and get this order together and that's all I really need to get done today."

Me, leaving work: "...Worm farms are a thing, and I am seriously contemplating setting one up after having had to deal with the nonsense from this fish farm for the last three days-"

[thelampisaflashlight]

Are you seeing this, guys?

[thelampisaflashlight]

Dew, snuggled up in bed: "Little spoon... big spoon... No, I'm the knife left between them by an uncaring housemate, who just wants the lease to be up so they can get their deposit back, but my lord we are making it work." Rain, holding him from one side: "You're not a knife, love, you're definitely the little spoon." Aether, nodding: "Can confirm, the littlest spoon that ever did spoon." Dew: "Traitors, both. Deceit lies upon either pillow, and I shan't abide such treachery-" Aether: "Oop, brought out the theater kid side." Rain: "You only talk like that when you're embarrassed." Dew: "HERESEY!"

[thelampisaflashlight]

Dew, ranting while driving: "I hate when couples say they're 'trying for a baby', like, you guys are really gonna come out and say you're rawdogging it in front of your friends and family? Come on now..." Aether, shrugging, looking at directions on his phone: "So? Why do you care? I mean, you once talked about getting a fist shoved up your ass and likened it to being turned into a kinky hand puppet at dinner in front of the Psaltarians. Turn left here..." Dew: "Right, and if you ever want to try out your ventriloquist skills again, you'll admit that I'm right." Aeon, from the backseat, not paying attention: "Do you guys ever imagine there's a dude running alongside the car-"

[thelampisaflashlight]

When you get to your upper twenties/thirties, you unlock a special skill called, "I stretched wrong" where you tried to unkink something and suddenly you've pinched a nerve.

Welcome back neck pain where I can't turn my head properly, I haven't dealt with you since that time I put my foot through the slat on my bedframe.

[thelampisaflashlight]

RAW ME BIG SEXY