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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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he is the dirt under my fingernails
#just a bunch of kons ive drawn over a time period#when im upset i draw him woopeee#snyways look @ my hcs boy#i hold unhealthy ass kon rlly close 2 my heart u dont understand ots so stupid#CAN U TELL WHEN U DRAW YOUNGER KON?? I RLLY HOPE SO PLS TELL ME U DO#kfjfoksnsnnngngngn hhhhhhhhhhhh#ive paniking all night staring @ the figure outside my window#now its afternoon & I CANT SLEEEEPPP tehehe#y doesnt melotinon melon mel something WORKKK#call back 2 the time i took a whole bottle of those tablets & stayed up 2 dayd that was weird#im rambling in my tags again mooommmm#yk what would b a good idea? taking my meds#imma do that yeah#kon el#kontent#U GET A TAG#konmen pls accept me as a konartist pls oh god#pls dont eat me alive#puppee art#oh hint of kart in there ofc bc im insane#i ordered stuff 4 etsy((i think idk if i did it correct)) & im working on buttons((FINALLY AGAIN))#me? doing work outside of work? insnae. its mot work im just drawing kon & bart send help#i need 2 shut up im so tired wikihow how 2 sleep
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watched mouthwashing finally. the fact that i saw people be more aggressive towards curly than jimmy is kinda strange. kinda real weird
#mouthwashing#captain curly#jimmy mouthwashing#i saw people draw fanart of anya. pouring mouthwash on his exposed flesh? as punishment for failing her?#which okay. 1. i dont think shed like that. 2. are we seriously blaming curly for this more than. jimmy. the guy who DID IT?#like okay do not get me wrong. curly is to blame. he made terrible mistakes he did horrible things his inaction is inexcusable#he should have handled the situation better. if he couldnt 'take care' of jimmy (likely) he should have just at least#been there for anya. supported her and comforted her more than he did#im not saying any of it is untrue#hell the aus i saw where anya is angry with curly? where post-recovery shes genuinely mad and to a degree disgusted with him?#great! real! very reasonable! it makes sense it works its everything#but like. some of the people i saw were being straight up vile. for zero reason#'yeah curly deserves to be tortured and like skinned more by anya for closure because of what he did' HAVE WE FORGOTTEN WHO DID IT#WHY IS JIMMY GETTING LEFT OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION. ARE WE FORGETTING WHOS THE LITERAL ASSAULTER?#one of those people also said that if you ship anya and curly you should kys so uhhh not really taking that opinion seriously but. jeez#i dont ship them either for the record i just think telling people to die over it is a little excessive. thats the whole thing really#theyre being really excessive#on a similiar note i saw people say 'nobody on the ship is black and white in morality' and i agree with that about everyone BUT jimmy#for one simple reason. there is never ever a reason to rape someone. not EVER. everyone else has reasons. is complicated#and while jimmy is complicated too obviously that doesnt. like undeniably hes the worst. he is the worst because what he did is just#one of the only crimes that never ever has an explaination that means anything. its always evil
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would you like to talk about how bad the mha ending was hella
as much as i would love to give like. a comprehensive response i genuinely dont think i can get my words together just yet without it being a constant unintelligble stream of 'AND ANOTHER THING-' and bc it's become quite torn in the fandom on if the chapter was good or bad i want like. an actual coherent response here. so i will reblog this if/when i can word it but know IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY
#paragraphs and paragraphs about the villains' endings alone. hawks hpsc president. midoriya's ending#the fact hero society is barely changed and the changes that do happen feel very much TELLING the reader it happened#as opposed to actually showing us how society changed on it. this is smthn ik people will argue w me about#bc yes it was a 400+ chapter manga arguably showing us how society changed but like. did it actually show that#like do u honestly think any community would watch televised battles between TEENAGERS and bad guys#and have the majority of them go 'gah! i cant help but sympathise with the bad guy who just suckerpunched child extra no.28!'#so like. why are they all suddenly on board with massive systemic reinvention. where's the rage where's the bitterness#this wasn't a story on showing the villains as redeemable and working towards society sympathising with them#and slowly painfully coming to a conclusion where japan was ready to change as a COLLECTIVE#this was a story of showing a group of redeemable villains (first step CHECK) getting DEFEATED IN BATTLE#THEY ALL FUCKING DIED EXCEPT SPINNER AND PRESUMABLY COMPRESS#WE DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO DABI AT THE END ONLY THAT HE WAS PUT IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION#HE WAS IN WHEN HE WOKE UP FROM HIS COMA AND DABI WAS BORN. 'DABI' AS A PERSONA MEANT NOTHING#we still have an abuser who didn't come to justice. we still have the corrupt government body now being led by the guy they trafficked#and abused and conditioned into the perfect soldier. do u think maybe his opinions are a little biased in regards to that gov. body#maybe. perhaps. slightly. and we still have hero charts!!!!!! every kid in the last chap is still obsessed w becoming a hero!!!!#and dont get me STARTEDDDDDDDDD on midoriya being a teacher. 'i think it's cute he finally gets a life of peace 🥺#this way he can help the next generation directly 🥺' womp to the fucking womp he was supposed to be the world's no.1 hero#he barely sees his friends anymore. 'it's realistic to adulthood!' i dont want realism in my superpowered teen and up manga#put them in the avengers mansion NOW#so as you can see i waffled regardless of saying i specifically wasn't gonna do that and some of these points bother me more than others#with some being personal I Didn't Like It and some being i genuinely truly believe it to be bad writing#but my summary is mha ultimately felt like a story where a group of individuals unlearned (eh) the beliefs of a toxic society#and tried to save the people that society failed and then they themselves DID NOT FUCKING SAVE THEM#(i have a hit on the redemption via death trope on the dark web for ten bajillion pounds)#and while yeah that isn't objectively an evil story to tell i think 1) it was done poorly#and 2) isn't what a lot of people believed the premise to be nor what i think horikoshi himself was trying to write#ask#mha spoilers#mha
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It is kinda funny seeing people talk about Seungmin lately because he definitely has gotten more bold and confident for sure. He's also just getting opportunities to be perceived as an individual on his own as well for the first time in a while but it's still jarring to see people be like Aw he was always such a quiet goodie two shoes little nerd and it's like...... he was the one to leave and seek out his own vocal coach and blatantly talk about it, which of course lead to I.N and Lee Know also doing the same, he was the one to go on bubble and tell off sasaengs who used to camp outside their old dorm for invading members privacy but also because it effected other residents and staff at the complex, something that i'm certain upper management wouldnt have been happy about, and he wasn't curt or nice about it either. like he's never actually been a wallflower, he's always had a pretty strong backbone and seems to stick to his principals, its not really new.
#even silly shit like bringing up drinking even tho staff has clearly told him not too#like yeah its silly but its still sticking to his guns of being like we arent actually children anymore thanks#the food thing too like in an old 2 kids room he said something about not being able to eat on his bday bc they were filming so evidently#there was a moment in time when he caved to the shitty diet obsession kpop had but ever since hes never really said anything like it again#instead hes telling everyone to eat well and reminding people to have dinner or lunch every other day#even the comment about growing his hair out but then being like lol the stylist probably wont like me saying that or whatever#and like the yeah im going to the gym but im not lifting. dont expect me to bulk up. im doing it for stamina<< that made me cackle#bc i did see people on twt being like but what if seungmin got buff tho omg hed be so hot 🥺 Well him bein buff isnt what this is about#so he went and made sure people were realistic. not everyone needs to be noticeably cut yk#idk maybe bc i watched most all the skz content all the way through#and now i go back and gif stuff i notice patterns more easily than if youve been here for longer and havent watched older stuff#for a while- maybe? idk its just funny but i also see takes a lot and have to stop myself from going No <3#anyway this is my obligatory insane ksm tangent of the week. see you in 5 minutes.#🐶
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words are hard. explaining is hard. remember that while reading
the amount of disabled people on thos website who make posts going against each other makes me so sad. there's too many posts of "such and such people/random person are talking over people like me and making us look/feel bad, but they're wrong and not suffering as much so need to shut up!" can we stop invalidating each other because you claim they're invalidating you by speaking about their struggles????? can we all support each other instead????? ableism within disabled community here is awful.
I get it. sometimes people say a thing and you think it takes away from you or makes you feel bad. but that doesn't mean they did it on purpose/everyone with their condition is doing it on purpose. doesn't mean they know you and your feelings. doesn't mean their feeling is invalid because it hurt yours! and if it's just a thing you saw on tiktok, don't blame entirety of people with the condition because one or two people on tiktok don't speak for everyone! (not everyone uses tiktok either so don't act like everyone is getting info from there)
it's so frustrating and disappointing! can't say anything on here without upsetting and offending another disabled person because many different or new reasons every day! like you didn't mention that they have it worse or say yourself isn't suffering as much. or you use a phrase or word thar helps you but another group gatekeeps it. or you're simply "talking over" people you don't even know that decided you don't suffer and struggle enough because they "have it worse" and want you to talk about THEM and not just yourself. on your own blog. but somehow know to mention them and advicate for them so they don't have to or something???? is confusing.
words are hard. hard to explain this!!! but is frustrating and upsetting to see many disabled people here targeting each other more than ableds. example there's many posts of physical disabled vs ND, acting like being ND can't be disability. do you want to borrow my brain and see if it disables you more????? sometimes see opposite where ND is harder than physical disability. do you want to borrow my body and see if you can live easily??? see many physical disabled vs other physical disabled, example "cane user can't complain because I need wheelchair!" type things. or ND vs ND "I have more ND than you because I cant do *thing* alone but you can so you can't complain about struggling because you're talking over my bigger struggles"
I GET IT. everyone wants to feel valid and not feel talked over and all that stuffs. but stop fighting each other!!!!! stop invalidating each other because you feel invalidated/assume they are trying to invalidate you. is nothing but invalidating loop!!!! stop assuming everyone must talk about you and your struggle before their own because you think their voice shared means yours is blocked. stop having disability "Olympics" in which you jump through metaphoric hoops to prove you're more disabled and deserve most attention and more voice and everyone below is taking that away! learn how to support each other because we know ableds don't like supporting us!!!!!! we all suffer and struggle. why act like fellow disableds don't or arent allowed!! 😭😭😭😭😭 this is for both people that use tiktok to do "quirky" stuff or are able to push through struggles and want to act like everyone can too. and people with higher support needs that think lesser needs have super easy life and talk over them if they make post about their struggles. I see both!!!! a lot!!
never see anyone talk about ableism within disabled community and how it is bad for all of us!!!! but sure see lot of.......
I know. i'm bad at words. dont try to misunderstanding and attack and be mad at me! if you experience real problem with this you are valid in your feel. you can feel! but maybe don't do generalizing and invalidate all because one person or a few or tiktok did or said things you don't like. that make sense???
#disabled#disability#disability problems#neurodivergent#maybe shouldn't tag this. dont think we ready for this discussion. someone wil misread and yell at me probably#too burnt out to deal with you. will probably ignore!!!! yell at brick wall. sorry. cant argue#lee rants#words are hard#also with amount of tiktok complaints maybe everyone needs break from there or stop using? 😅 idk i dont use it#but yeah. feel like someone with valid problem will think i said you cant feel upset. not what i said!#only saying dont make generalizing post you were personally attacked by entirety of group of people and decided they are all invalid now#all because 1 or 2 people or a tiktok video or something. dont tell random individuals they are invalid because you feel invalid!#so hard to explain!!!!!! not sure if doing it right. but no ones allowed to yell at me if i did word bad!! please 😭 i will cry#but when will we admit disabled community has much ableism???
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having to explain to people things like. if i have to go out to do something and run errands i need to have it all mapped out and planned w like. at least a week in advance. and if i go out that day i cannot do anything else because That will be it. if i have multiple commitments that cannot be put on the same day i need one full day in between those commitments so i can rest and be recharged for that next thing otherwise i might have a breakdown in the middle of the street (again) and then That will render me unable to function for like a whole three days. and then people look at me like i choose to live like this?
#txt#audhd tag#just venting a little#its crazy because ppl around me are like I understand your limitations However why dont you-#So you dont understand my limitations?#like okay yeah i understand that it must be Weird for people that are not Inside my brain and hard to understand that i PHYSICALLY CANNOT>#do things that they dont even think about. alright! but to sit and tell me Yeah we get it! but then try to either fix it or >#> come up w a New Incredible Way To Fix Me as if half of what i talk abt w my therapist isnt Exactly This#like yeah i dont fucking like it either. i wish i could do shit like other ppl do. i wish i could remember things.#i wish i didnt feel exhausted all the time i wish simply leaving my bed wasnt the most difficult task every single morning#but it pisses me OFF when people try to talk me through these Limitations i have that They Understand<3 like. can you be accommodating or no#one of my closest friends and oldest friends since i was like 5 had her bday on friday and she ljterally messaged me like#Hi we r having something w my family but theyre rly loud and extremist on the right wing side and i barely wanna be here u dont have 2 come>#> but i wanted to invite u anyway so u dont think ur being left out! and i was like Yayy nice thank u bc lbr i probably wouldnt go anyway.#and she KNOWS that. and she literally was talking to me like she alwahs does and That felt accommodating and understanding and i felt loved#cut to my mom last night trying to make me feel guilty for not going because Shes my friend and i should have gone anyway.#i told her off and she backtracked but thats still innmy head like. that shit is so irritating#okay sorry vent over im just aboht to get my period so this is making me sick#want to yell into the void and forget about it. Hits post
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i am soooo so close to changing my name to mack irl i keep going to like. write in on the front of my books & stuff. i made a zine of band recs which i wrote 'made by mack!' on & kinda forgot abt it & then gave one to one of my friends like. whoops hahah ignore that lol. & i use it as like a kahoot nickname or whatever & most of my friends know its my stagename & its the name on my home email adress i sent someone something from once & its on the back of my notebook which i write in at school all the time (even though it has lesbian doctor who stickers on it lol) like hnhgnhgn i like mack! as a name!! but the idea of asking anyone irl to call me that. scary.
#do other countries have kahoot. i think ist an american site but irrelevant#like so often i want to introduce myself as mack to new people but 1) i'm scared it would feel like lying and 2) scared i have to tell them#its not /reallllllllly/ my name and. yeagh. idk.#what if they call me mack in front of someone who doenst know that. what then#ANYWAYS#hello my one irl on this site. if you see this. yeah i dunno man#like i dont even Dislike my name that much. i just like mack better
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also really funny to me that i wasn't very interested in most pd ships until new haven wards. ghostkicks insane qprisms obviously but now i'm like over here shaking and sobbing thinking abt evildead & ghostknife & all their dreadful intricate messy bestfriends little polycule. as mallard conway calls it.
#dakota is still my favorite one 2 think ab... sorry demonkicks enjoyers btw. i see the vision but like i am physically incapable of thinking#of dakota as not aroace. & obviously he has the secret third thing going on w/ wibby & virion. always losing it over their dynamic of#like hey dude go kiss our other best friend for me. what? no im not doing it i dont wanna but u should & if u do it because im telling u to#its kind of like im doing it? like proxy kiss via sharing soda cans. with that same level of convoluted understated intimacy that means#absolutely fucking nothing unless it doesn't. like yeah you're not making out with them but you're pressing ur fingers into the hickies#they leave on each other & feeling the echo of the same dull ache on ur own skin & all of u like it so like who's really the normal#one here!!! anyway. ashe postcanon wingfic emo kids union. is where i was originally fucking going with this.#new haven wards
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btw this is what i mean by the weirdddd kinda sus dru scene. the brooding. plus a funny subtitle typo
#like okkk its cus he got 'lied to'... which i dont think he.. technically did?#like he never said he wasnt going to return it. or it was for his job#its still TECHNICALLY what dru asked for which was to do a joint heist#also yeah there was a stupid argument plot. EURRGHHHHH.#like dudeeee u cannotttt set me up w gru and dru connecting bc of both feeling like disappointments to their parents#and then have gru be like 'wellll no wonder dad didnt love u' DUDEEEEE.#esp when in the same movie they tell us gru was blamed for his fathers death????? for being such a failure?????#like it would notttt happen. im sorry#also the fckingggg falling out hing is so stupid. like dru is incompetent and goofy but like whyyyy disown him. he didnt DO anything#except be kinda useless. ANDTHEY MAKE UP IN THE NEXT SCENE#pleaseeeeee please tru villain plot dru return to me please#dude the way the gorls r written too. i feel naught but pain#how do u go from them being kinda scared but brave against vector. to actively fighting against el macho. TO LITERALLY NOTHINGGGG W BRATT#wahhhhh im scareedddd wahhhhhh !! aiiiieee!!! DUDEEEE U LITERALLY SAVEDDD THE WORLD LAST FILM. stopppp#also they reuse the same joke w agnes shattering glass w her scream from 2. TWICE#im such a hater sorry. this movie frustrates me beyond belief#there are like 4 scnes that i rlly like. and all of them r just the minions#i think lucy is the most in character but she has like zero funny scenes compared to the one billion from 2. and her plot w the gorls is ba#also this is just personal but the idea of dru like. coopting the minions makes me soooo sad. THOSE ARE HIS FUCKING FAMILYYYYYY U MONSTERRR#btw the credits sequence rlly is the best part of the film apart from the minion scenes. reminds me of the dynamic w vector and gru. funnn#i wish it could have been. In the movie#man god sorry to literally be such a hater but oh hhhh my god. the amount of cool stuff tehy cld have done vs the NOTHING they did is crazy
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You have given me a great joy in life with your Renkaza au
May I ask, what happened to the rest of the Kamado family? Did they get their canon ending or are they with Nezuko as they try to deal with her new demonification?
oh yay im glad you're enjoying it so far! 🥰
nezuko's actually with her brother in the box, like in canon lol. i just havent drawn her--or inosuke or zenitsu--in the panels we've seen, but they're there!
as for the rest of the kamados... i actually havent decided LOL. my instinct is to save everyone, since this is a light-hearted comic strip, but also i'm not sure i'd be able to reliably write that since it involves more plot than the "stupid jokes loosely following canon" i mostly have written down aha. so i suppose it's a surprise for now, even for myself.
i guess we'll see!
#thanks for the ask 💖#sorry if this isnt a satisfying answer but i genuinely dont know rn haha#rei replies#ssh extras#like the thing is. the thing is i had like a short emotional 'i see you' moment planned out between renkaza#for when upper six die but if i save the kamados then i feel obligated to save gyu and ume which means id have to rejig that#and i have Ideas for how but they lean into the kind of fluff that feels so divorced from canon idk if i actually want to write it???#bc i do also love me some angst. hnn. i suppose we'll see how self-indulgent i decide to be about this#but looking at the way im characterizing hakuji u can tell im already being pretty self-indulgent LOL. 😂#so yeah it's a surprise even for me! but i AM leaning toward the 'everyone lives' route rn.#it's just. upper moons 4 and 5 are much harder to want to save versus upper moon 6 yknow. or even 1 &2.#but it'd be weird to be like 'f those guys in particular' lol. u can see my conundrum.#at the same time... this is my story so i can do what i want to??? hm.#WE'LL SEE.
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im not even done my current kuwameshi fic and im already getting ideas about new ones...
#kuwameshi#give me a sec i'll reblog later with the actual idea but like#WHAT IF UM KUWAMESHI BUT UM. PRINCESS BRIDE AU...#i also have another song fic idea but it's way sillier than the one i have on ao3#based off you me and steve by garfunkel and oates#i got the idea cos i just remembered when yusuke got back from training with genkai the 1st time and instead of a 1 on 1 date with keiko#kuwabara is also? there? and it's just so funny to me like what. and then they're supposed to all 3 go to the movies together?#AND WHEN THEY GET THERE THE 2 BOYS DITCH KEIKO?? for a mission yeah but she doesn't know that!!#and then yusuke and keiko actually go on a date alone and it gets interrupted cos of younger toguro#and shortly after kuwabara shows up so it looks like he was bound to come across them??#as far as a i remember the next time yu and keiko get together alone is the day he tells her to just wait and she's like im literally#not gonna wait for you <3 and it was so funny she just walked off lmaoo#anyway im trying to say i wanna make a silly little fic addressing the fact that keiko is like. pursuing her crush on yusuke#but kuwabara is kinda just. always there and it's fun she does like him but it's just awkward#planning on having her ask kuwa to maybe give her and yusuke some time alone like maybe just avoid their next outing#and kuwa is like oh damn :( ok good luck and yusuke shows up to the date and he's like woah wait. where tf is kuwabara?#keiko is like bruh. and she makes up some shit about him mentioning that he felt sick or wtv and yusuke is like ''then y are we here?#i should check on him. i dont think that guy has even been put outta commission by anything but my fist!'' and keiko just follows him#cos what else can she do. and kuwa is fine ofc and yusuke is like bro what gives i thought you were sick and kuwa is dense sometimes but he#catches on from keiko's desperate look and he's like well i got better *flexes his arm* and yu is like i knew you were too dumb to catch#a cold. and he's stupid happy that kuwa is fine and can come with them after all ''hey he's fine ya hear that keiko''#and then keiko is watching this whole exchange eyes blown wide open and she's like actually i just remembered i have plans#you two should totally go without me tho and yu agrees so easily that it just solidifies that she made the right call#kuwa is looking back at her all confused and she gives HIM the good luck thumbs up. he gets as red as his hair and#yusuke is worried he really is coming down with something
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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i've written 36k for this fic but my brain has reached the point where it keeps telling me im a sucky writer and should just quit and ahhh i need the anxiety to shut up and just let me have fun and not have imposter syndrome
#im actually really self conscious about my writing like even if i do think im good if i say anything more the anxiety is like nope :)#and it all comes from mean kids in high school not liking m short story about an alien getting adopted#which like yeah sounds dumb but i LIKED IT#anyways write for yourself yes but what do i do when im my own worse critic and it keeps telling me to quit#i dont think im going to but im afraid that what happened to me in the ml fandom is gonna happen again and ill get burnt out by#my own stupid high standards and expectations for myself#anyways#i need to eat#maybe im just hangry#maybe i do need a break and i think i will take one once i finish chapter 3 and since im going camping this weekend#but i want to post chapter 2 before i go so we shall see#bushy rants
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i decided 2 write about feelings while listening 2 bark like u want it by sir mix-a-lot
many things r blasting through my head tn
i feel rlly bad 4 all my friends who have 2 deal w/me disappearing all the time((not related 2 health reasons)) but literlly just bc i decided that i think they h8 me
4 no fucking reason
then when i try 2 explain myself i have 2 say how much of an asshole i was 2 them 4 doing so BUT THEN I JUST DONT GET CALLED THAT SO NOW IM CONFUSED
& now i just dont go abck bc i cant wrap my brain around it i dont get it i stopped talking 2 u 4 no reason other than my brain telling me u h8 me 4?? some reason???? & when i come back u just push me off & say it doesnt matter but i think it does I RLLY THINK IT DOES I DONT UNDERSTANDDD
its like im having a 1-man show in my head & im dancing in front of the mirror like wtf am i doing
on 1 side, i love 2 talk 2 ppl i love listening & contributing; BUT THEN ON THE OTHER, IM A SCARED LITTLE WUSS SO LIKE??? I DONTGET IT. I DONT GEETTT ITTTTTTT mayb this is y i was on regulating meds who KNowassosOSOWASsss im so tired
#uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#im literllly scared of discord#that app is my nightmare like idk y but its sooo hard 2 talk on it#i think its prolyl bc of all the experiences of certain things ive had on it that my brain automatically considers it uhhh ehhh?#its so strange idk#but liek the reasons y i consider ppl h8ing me i think r valid still like I BRIING THEM UP#@ least i used 2 but then it would kinda just b blown past then it would just happen again then i would leave then come back & it was just#it was not good 4 my health i think bc i kept stressing myself out 4 again no reason then doing dumb shit then coming back apologizig bc#thats all i can do then i leave based on NOTHING AGAIN LIKE#its ntohing i say its nothing but it means sm 2 me its moments that replay in my head over & over & sometimes i think id b happier by mysel#then i remmeber i love talking 2 ppl so thsts not an option bc i love ppl#UUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this entire thing of me bing sad 4 liek the past month has happened bc my goddamn family h8s when i talk so now#im just abandoning every1 & i feel rlly bad but like i love them all theyre my friends & i dont think they h8 me but i rllyyyy think i do#its bad its soooo bad man ccccmOOOOONNNNNN I CAN TELL IM OVER THINKING IN MY PEA SIZED BRAIN CMONNNN#but yeah no im still convinced uhm yeah idk yeahhhhhh yeah i ;;;;#therapist? uh no thats what tumblr tags r 4 actually
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