#yeah so dont tell me what 2 do
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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he is the dirt under my fingernails
#just a bunch of kons ive drawn over a time period#when im upset i draw him woopeee#snyways look @ my hcs boy#i hold unhealthy ass kon rlly close 2 my heart u dont understand ots so stupid#CAN U TELL WHEN U DRAW YOUNGER KON?? I RLLY HOPE SO PLS TELL ME U DO#kfjfoksnsnnngngngn hhhhhhhhhhhh#ive paniking all night staring @ the figure outside my window#now its afternoon & I CANT SLEEEEPPP tehehe#y doesnt melotinon melon mel something WORKKK#call back 2 the time i took a whole bottle of those tablets & stayed up 2 dayd that was weird#im rambling in my tags again mooommmm#yk what would b a good idea? taking my meds#imma do that yeah#kon el#kontent#U GET A TAG#konmen pls accept me as a konartist pls oh god#pls dont eat me alive#puppee art#oh hint of kart in there ofc bc im insane#i ordered stuff 4 etsy((i think idk if i did it correct)) & im working on buttons((FINALLY AGAIN))#me? doing work outside of work? insnae. its mot work im just drawing kon & bart send help#i need 2 shut up im so tired wikihow how 2 sleep
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horror is so BLESSED he's the only one out of the murder time trio that has actual good people trying to influence his story 💔💔 dust and killer were both driven to INSANITY because of the choices of their respective humans but horror??? every time without FAIL the polls for horrortale's plotline have always ended in a good place for aliza (either by bettering her relationships/reputation or for her to just. not DIE)
horrortale's potential alternate timelines my beLOVEd🙏🙏 they're SO lucky that we're being kind and benevolent hehe (≧ω≦) now where are the aus based off the possible different outcomes that could've happened in horrortale HUH???? (like how aliza couldve killed toriel or chosen horror's puzzle or gone with undyne to the core........)
#something something all three of them have their fates determined by an outside force#ermmmm but horror doesn't- yeah he does. what aliza does decides EVERYTHING for horror and horrortale#just because its not direct like dust or killer doesn't mean theyre all subject to the same community x3#PARALLELS MTT PARALLELS FOR THE 500TH TIME THEY HAVE SOOOO MANY PARALLELS OHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD#mtt going to visit horrortale would just be dust eying aliza (out of paranoia. he knows shes a good kid)#and then killer knowing in his head that the poor kid aliza that horror weirdly seems to like doesn't have control over her actions#she doesn't know horror doesn't know nobody knows except killer. is that a bit sad?#theyre all living in the dark unaware of the reality of their world. i mean thats how its meant to be after all thats what the players want#but....... it would be tempting to tell horror...... hehehehehe- and then he's interrupted by horror and dust#(theyre trying to get killer to eat papyrus's spaghetti in their place. he's the only one that can stomach it even though there's no human)#mtt i love thee SOOOOO much. theyre back in horrortale for the holidays ✨�� coming back to visit the family ✨✨ WHAT horror's visiting.......#not dust or killer of course. this isnt their world noooope thats not papyrus. but that doesn't stop dust from having everyone like him#its just like the good old days :333 except now there's three sanses and triple the insanity :333 almost like nothing's changed!!!!!#oh killer??? yeah he's there. probably won't try taking up the sansish type of role horror and dust do but he'll find a way to get used 2 i#after all the point of this is whatever he wants it to be now ;33333 were these tags all just a reference to my mtt fic. yes. yes they were#LMAOOOO i forgot that aliza didn't fall into horrortale yet in my fic. still a fun thing to imagine tho!!!#i think it would be fun having aliza be the first of humans for horrortale to deal with that they won't instantly kill#itll be hard but really rewarding for all of them........ especially horror i believe!!! man he didnt even go through therapy but#just being away from horrortale and out doing new and FUN and NOT MURDEROUS things has done wonders for him :3#i need to get to writing smh..... winter break is the day after tomorrow (TECHNICALLY AT 2:32 PM SINCE THSYS WHEN SCHOOL ENDS SO HAHAHA)#so ill probably work on it more over break since i'll have nothing to do hehe.......#today was an amazing day for me ✨ TWO mtt angst death related hcs..... some work on my latest chapter i've yet to post..... SWAPINVERSE FAN#ARE YOU KIDDING ME MORR SWAPINVERSE ART THIS IS SOOOO AMAZING THABK YOU UNTITLED29876011111 I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY YOU DO THIS!!!!!#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au
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what drugs did they put in sonic that attracts autistic people cos oh my god this shit has taken over my life in the span of a week how did they DO THAT
#like i can feel it deeper in my core than regular hyperfixations#this has put its roots in my brain like its gonna be around for a fucking while i can tell#WHAT IS IT WITH TRAINS AND SONIC THAT HITS THE AUTISTIC POPULATION SO HARD. IS IT THE FAST? THE GOTTA GO FAST?#guys this is bad it took like actually 2 seconds of shadow being on the screen for me to be like yeah thats my baby forever#thats my little guy HES SUCH A LITTLE GUY HAVE YOU SEEEN HIMMMM#i dont usually get cuteness aggression for anything fictional but holy FUCK#you do NOT understand how fast i rinsed the ao3 'shadow the hedgehog & maddie' tag so i could vicariously hug him through maddie like#YOU DONT GET IT#anywhat thats where i've been guys. also jealousy fucks me up bad and seeing stays be able to touch hyunjins hair made me need a break. /hj#very literal half joking. like im exactly 50% joking i could teeter either way at a moments notice. anyway im fine#been busy consuming 24 years of shadow fan content#sapphicminho says things#not skz#IM NOT DONE. im just in awe at how they managed to make a character so badass and cool but so baby like#hes unironically cool as HELL#but then u look at him and its like holyshit. maria girl i get it i'd adopt him as a little bro on sight as well#anyway prior to last week all i knew abt sonic was the VAGUE memories from playing unleashed when i was like 10 and the snapcube fandubs#penny parker ily best streamer. one of the like 2 streamers i gaf about
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words are hard. explaining is hard. remember that while reading
the amount of disabled people on thos website who make posts going against each other makes me so sad. there's too many posts of "such and such people/random person are talking over people like me and making us look/feel bad, but they're wrong and not suffering as much so need to shut up!" can we stop invalidating each other because you claim they're invalidating you by speaking about their struggles????? can we all support each other instead????? ableism within disabled community here is awful.
I get it. sometimes people say a thing and you think it takes away from you or makes you feel bad. but that doesn't mean they did it on purpose/everyone with their condition is doing it on purpose. doesn't mean they know you and your feelings. doesn't mean their feeling is invalid because it hurt yours! and if it's just a thing you saw on tiktok, don't blame entirety of people with the condition because one or two people on tiktok don't speak for everyone! (not everyone uses tiktok either so don't act like everyone is getting info from there)
it's so frustrating and disappointing! can't say anything on here without upsetting and offending another disabled person because many different or new reasons every day! like you didn't mention that they have it worse or say yourself isn't suffering as much. or you use a phrase or word thar helps you but another group gatekeeps it. or you're simply "talking over" people you don't even know that decided you don't suffer and struggle enough because they "have it worse" and want you to talk about THEM and not just yourself. on your own blog. but somehow know to mention them and advicate for them so they don't have to or something???? is confusing.
words are hard. hard to explain this!!! but is frustrating and upsetting to see many disabled people here targeting each other more than ableds. example there's many posts of physical disabled vs ND, acting like being ND can't be disability. do you want to borrow my brain and see if it disables you more????? sometimes see opposite where ND is harder than physical disability. do you want to borrow my body and see if you can live easily??? see many physical disabled vs other physical disabled, example "cane user can't complain because I need wheelchair!" type things. or ND vs ND "I have more ND than you because I cant do *thing* alone but you can so you can't complain about struggling because you're talking over my bigger struggles"
I GET IT. everyone wants to feel valid and not feel talked over and all that stuffs. but stop fighting each other!!!!! stop invalidating each other because you feel invalidated/assume they are trying to invalidate you. is nothing but invalidating loop!!!! stop assuming everyone must talk about you and your struggle before their own because you think their voice shared means yours is blocked. stop having disability "Olympics" in which you jump through metaphoric hoops to prove you're more disabled and deserve most attention and more voice and everyone below is taking that away! learn how to support each other because we know ableds don't like supporting us!!!!!! we all suffer and struggle. why act like fellow disableds don't or arent allowed!! 😭😭😭😭😭 this is for both people that use tiktok to do "quirky" stuff or are able to push through struggles and want to act like everyone can too. and people with higher support needs that think lesser needs have super easy life and talk over them if they make post about their struggles. I see both!!!! a lot!!
never see anyone talk about ableism within disabled community and how it is bad for all of us!!!! but sure see lot of.......
I know. i'm bad at words. dont try to misunderstanding and attack and be mad at me! if you experience real problem with this you are valid in your feel. you can feel! but maybe don't do generalizing and invalidate all because one person or a few or tiktok did or said things you don't like. that make sense???
#disabled#disability#disability problems#neurodivergent#maybe shouldn't tag this. dont think we ready for this discussion. someone wil misread and yell at me probably#too burnt out to deal with you. will probably ignore!!!! yell at brick wall. sorry. cant argue#lee rants#words are hard#also with amount of tiktok complaints maybe everyone needs break from there or stop using? 😅 idk i dont use it#but yeah. feel like someone with valid problem will think i said you cant feel upset. not what i said!#only saying dont make generalizing post you were personally attacked by entirety of group of people and decided they are all invalid now#all because 1 or 2 people or a tiktok video or something. dont tell random individuals they are invalid because you feel invalid!#so hard to explain!!!!!! not sure if doing it right. but no ones allowed to yell at me if i did word bad!! please 😭 i will cry#but when will we admit disabled community has much ableism???
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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new curse dropped: having fic ideas but i refuse to write rpf/don't think i even could
#coriolis posts#ignore the part where there's extremely vivid scenes and even dialogue showing up as if written out in my head. ignore that#but if anyone wants to take my ideas and run w them.... 👀#1. is just sort of . oscar's experimental hookups in the junior series (max f + arthur l)#well they backfire on him when he gets to f1 and meets lando and charles#no actual endgame with that one#to be clear i do not think . that actually happened (duh) (the f in rpf stands for fiction) i just think it would be funny#lando: ive heard a lot about you!#oscar: (fuck fuck fuck what the fuck) ... yeah?#lando: yeah max said you were rly interesting to race :)#yeah fuck it i'll tag this#f1 rpf#oscar piastri#hes not the only one but hes the main one and its all in the tags anyway#the 2nd idea is a college au#charles and oscar are friends and they're talking about. something. idk maybe charles went on vacation to paris#and Oscar is like well i simply dont believe you that french people are more romantic than anyone else#and charles goes That sounds like a challenge. let me set you up with my good friend pierre#(he does not tell pierre its basically for a bet. pierre is just Like That or something) anyway pierre takes oscar out on a few dates#and maybe charles sort of has a point from a technical pov#but theyre not like. falling in love#because 1. aromantic oscar anyone? aro? hit him with the aro beam?#and 2. pierre is in love with charles (and vice versa)#Also featuring the college's rc car club (oscar esteban liam + a few more idk)#and oscar finds out pierre and esteban have beef but he figures out its either 1. silly childhood grudges#or 2. misunderstandings (e.g. pierre thought esteban keyed his car but it was actually a jealous ex gf)#anyway point is oscar sets up charles and pierre and then makes pierre and esteban be friends again#and he gets to dogsit simba and leo while piarles go on dates (this was his end goal all along. 🧡🐶🐩)#thats so many tags jfc#anyway if anyone else wants to write either of these i give you full permission
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i am soooo so close to changing my name to mack irl i keep going to like. write in on the front of my books & stuff. i made a zine of band recs which i wrote 'made by mack!' on & kinda forgot abt it & then gave one to one of my friends like. whoops hahah ignore that lol. & i use it as like a kahoot nickname or whatever & most of my friends know its my stagename & its the name on my home email adress i sent someone something from once & its on the back of my notebook which i write in at school all the time (even though it has lesbian doctor who stickers on it lol) like hnhgnhgn i like mack! as a name!! but the idea of asking anyone irl to call me that. scary.
#do other countries have kahoot. i think ist an american site but irrelevant#like so often i want to introduce myself as mack to new people but 1) i'm scared it would feel like lying and 2) scared i have to tell them#its not /reallllllllly/ my name and. yeagh. idk.#what if they call me mack in front of someone who doenst know that. what then#ANYWAYS#hello my one irl on this site. if you see this. yeah i dunno man#like i dont even Dislike my name that much. i just like mack better
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also really funny to me that i wasn't very interested in most pd ships until new haven wards. ghostkicks insane qprisms obviously but now i'm like over here shaking and sobbing thinking abt evildead & ghostknife & all their dreadful intricate messy bestfriends little polycule. as mallard conway calls it.
#dakota is still my favorite one 2 think ab... sorry demonkicks enjoyers btw. i see the vision but like i am physically incapable of thinking#of dakota as not aroace. & obviously he has the secret third thing going on w/ wibby & virion. always losing it over their dynamic of#like hey dude go kiss our other best friend for me. what? no im not doing it i dont wanna but u should & if u do it because im telling u to#its kind of like im doing it? like proxy kiss via sharing soda cans. with that same level of convoluted understated intimacy that means#absolutely fucking nothing unless it doesn't. like yeah you're not making out with them but you're pressing ur fingers into the hickies#they leave on each other & feeling the echo of the same dull ache on ur own skin & all of u like it so like who's really the normal#one here!!! anyway. ashe postcanon wingfic emo kids union. is where i was originally fucking going with this.#new haven wards
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You have given me a great joy in life with your Renkaza au
May I ask, what happened to the rest of the Kamado family? Did they get their canon ending or are they with Nezuko as they try to deal with her new demonification?
oh yay im glad you're enjoying it so far! 🥰
nezuko's actually with her brother in the box, like in canon lol. i just havent drawn her--or inosuke or zenitsu--in the panels we've seen, but they're there!
as for the rest of the kamados... i actually havent decided LOL. my instinct is to save everyone, since this is a light-hearted comic strip, but also i'm not sure i'd be able to reliably write that since it involves more plot than the "stupid jokes loosely following canon" i mostly have written down aha. so i suppose it's a surprise for now, even for myself.
i guess we'll see!
#thanks for the ask 💖#sorry if this isnt a satisfying answer but i genuinely dont know rn haha#rei replies#ssh extras#like the thing is. the thing is i had like a short emotional 'i see you' moment planned out between renkaza#for when upper six die but if i save the kamados then i feel obligated to save gyu and ume which means id have to rejig that#and i have Ideas for how but they lean into the kind of fluff that feels so divorced from canon idk if i actually want to write it???#bc i do also love me some angst. hnn. i suppose we'll see how self-indulgent i decide to be about this#but looking at the way im characterizing hakuji u can tell im already being pretty self-indulgent LOL. 😂#so yeah it's a surprise even for me! but i AM leaning toward the 'everyone lives' route rn.#it's just. upper moons 4 and 5 are much harder to want to save versus upper moon 6 yknow. or even 1 &2.#but it'd be weird to be like 'f those guys in particular' lol. u can see my conundrum.#at the same time... this is my story so i can do what i want to??? hm.#WE'LL SEE.
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i've written 36k for this fic but my brain has reached the point where it keeps telling me im a sucky writer and should just quit and ahhh i need the anxiety to shut up and just let me have fun and not have imposter syndrome
#im actually really self conscious about my writing like even if i do think im good if i say anything more the anxiety is like nope :)#and it all comes from mean kids in high school not liking m short story about an alien getting adopted#which like yeah sounds dumb but i LIKED IT#anyways write for yourself yes but what do i do when im my own worse critic and it keeps telling me to quit#i dont think im going to but im afraid that what happened to me in the ml fandom is gonna happen again and ill get burnt out by#my own stupid high standards and expectations for myself#anyways#i need to eat#maybe im just hangry#maybe i do need a break and i think i will take one once i finish chapter 3 and since im going camping this weekend#but i want to post chapter 2 before i go so we shall see#bushy rants
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i decided 2 write about feelings while listening 2 bark like u want it by sir mix-a-lot
many things r blasting through my head tn
i feel rlly bad 4 all my friends who have 2 deal w/me disappearing all the time((not related 2 health reasons)) but literlly just bc i decided that i think they h8 me
4 no fucking reason
then when i try 2 explain myself i have 2 say how much of an asshole i was 2 them 4 doing so BUT THEN I JUST DONT GET CALLED THAT SO NOW IM CONFUSED
& now i just dont go abck bc i cant wrap my brain around it i dont get it i stopped talking 2 u 4 no reason other than my brain telling me u h8 me 4?? some reason???? & when i come back u just push me off & say it doesnt matter but i think it does I RLLY THINK IT DOES I DONT UNDERSTANDDD
its like im having a 1-man show in my head & im dancing in front of the mirror like wtf am i doing
on 1 side, i love 2 talk 2 ppl i love listening & contributing; BUT THEN ON THE OTHER, IM A SCARED LITTLE WUSS SO LIKE??? I DONTGET IT. I DONT GEETTT ITTTTTTT mayb this is y i was on regulating meds who KNowassosOSOWASsss im so tired
#uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#im literllly scared of discord#that app is my nightmare like idk y but its sooo hard 2 talk on it#i think its prolyl bc of all the experiences of certain things ive had on it that my brain automatically considers it uhhh ehhh?#its so strange idk#but liek the reasons y i consider ppl h8ing me i think r valid still like I BRIING THEM UP#@ least i used 2 but then it would kinda just b blown past then it would just happen again then i would leave then come back & it was just#it was not good 4 my health i think bc i kept stressing myself out 4 again no reason then doing dumb shit then coming back apologizig bc#thats all i can do then i leave based on NOTHING AGAIN LIKE#its ntohing i say its nothing but it means sm 2 me its moments that replay in my head over & over & sometimes i think id b happier by mysel#then i remmeber i love talking 2 ppl so thsts not an option bc i love ppl#UUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this entire thing of me bing sad 4 liek the past month has happened bc my goddamn family h8s when i talk so now#im just abandoning every1 & i feel rlly bad but like i love them all theyre my friends & i dont think they h8 me but i rllyyyy think i do#its bad its soooo bad man ccccmOOOOONNNNNN I CAN TELL IM OVER THINKING IN MY PEA SIZED BRAIN CMONNNN#but yeah no im still convinced uhm yeah idk yeahhhhhh yeah i ;;;;#therapist? uh no thats what tumblr tags r 4 actually
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put in a time off request for today bc i needed the day and then forgot to email my boss like "hey! its all ok im good don't worry!" (and knocked out hard again instead 🙃) and i just woke up and i feel so embarrassed 🙃🙃 i want to throw up
#this is also Why i am home today tbh#everything is scary and making me wanna cry and like. i definitely am just like. recovering from being triggered a little#but i dont wanna tell my boss “oh yeah im a mentally ill fucker who got triggered while drunk last night” cause like (1) dont wanna yalk an#that to him he's my boss????? (2) dont like talking to most ppl abt this cause its my info#but im like#paraluzed with fear now thay he's checked on Me cause oh gd i fucked up what if he fires me#< not a true thought#just anxiety#pls do not reach out to me over tiis#i will not be friendly about it bc i Am still in a messy emotional state bc of being triggered so recently#(altho. this is the Least bad i have felt after being triggered lately which like. im excited to tell my therapist that part)#ough dizzy.
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Sigh
#having to organise 5hings and stuff tomorrow#im actually a liytle miffed im not sure why#im planned to hangout with my sister in town tmmr but then my friend is also in town and i need to go out with my mum to#do something and oh my godddd can people just tell me what time theyre doing stuff and then i can match that#sigh#also can my new boss tell me when to come in to work please. girl u CALLED me at 8am and yet you cant even#tell me when im busy this week who do u think i am#anyway.#and ive gone to bed too late and i dont know why#so im going to wake up late and make myself even more time pressured for nothing#oh i jsut realised how i can combine 2 things maybe#hopefully#yeah i feel bad bc like. i want to hang out with my sister AND my friend#but i feel like my sister wont want to hang out with me and my friend#even though i did the same thing last week with her friends#so IDK.#i'll see in the morning
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