#would go to the shelter but executive dysfunction | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

titleknown · 2 years ago

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...I feel I may as well add my own story, because... well, while I feel perhaps foolish given my greater level of privilege in this context, I think my experiences/reasoning are different enough to talk about in this context, so anyhoo.

My family was relatively well-off, comfortably what the mainstream would call "middle class," at least my dad and stepmom (Birthmom is... her own story), but they did both grow up poor, which might explain why they're shaped by that sort of pragmatism.

So, I didn't materially want for anything, I never went hungry or was without shelter, but also... nobody cared about any of my interests, and in fact they actively treated them as useless as dead weight.

Dad actively discouraged me from my art and pursuing it as a field of study, which made me stop drawing for years. Every time I did a creative project for school, instead of guiding me, he always took it over in the name of "No, let me do it right!".

When I got into crafting in my later years, he discouraged me because of how it was "useless" compared to his preferred craft of carpentry. He would never go anywhere or get me any resources for any projects I cared about without incessant begging, but I always had to fucking drop everything for his fucking home improvement projects to improve the value of his fucking house.

My stepmom actively talked about how fucked I was if I didn't become more "normal," and traumatized me in too many ways to get into here. She once cornered me in a car to push me about budgeting in a way to specifically discourage me from pursuing my passions.

They both pelted me with potential horror stories of my passions leading to poverty. They resented my action figure collecting as childish and a waste of space. They both thought my special interests were stupid and boring.

They wouldn't actively prevent me from doing it, to be sure, and they would let me live in their house, but they would actively discourage the things I found important and make me drop them every time they wanted something more important to them out of me, making it even harder than what I'd later learn was my own executive dysfunction was already making it.

And they all did it in the name of my own good, because they were terrified of me being homeless and penniless in the pursuit of stuff they found inefficient (Or, probably, ending up as a NEET living on disability like now), even if I'd assert their discouragement and failure to help are why I ended up such a failure.

And... with everything I see from the anticonsumerist crowd, especially the degrowth crowd, they want to do the same shit my parents did towards my interests worldwide, just with a different political theory behind their reasoning on why it's useless.

They, as far as I can tell, want a world where you have all the time in the world to do your things, but unless it's on the level of folk art you'll have to beg and plead to get access to it. Because, you fucking need stuff to make stuff and do stuff. You need artistic supplies, means of production, means of distribution, means of social communication about it, there's no way around that, and stuff is the stuff anti-consumerist people want to create a chokepoint around in the name of efficiency.

In other words, the same shit as under capitalism but in the name of ecology rather than profit. They even do the same conflation of something's material value and its value as an economic commodity, just with the inverse moral judgement of the commodity form.

The people in love with degrowth, citing all the free time we'll have with industry small enough to drown in a bathtub, have never had a nice thing to say about any medium I'm passionate about, thanks to the fact that so much of it is in the digital realm.

At best they say it's ecologically bad enough to need enough chokepoints to leave it comatose and at worst an alienating existential evil to be eliminated. They've had even worse to say about my hobbies of action figure collecting, and more withering damnations for 3d printing.

I have literally heard one of these people say that the concept of "emerging technologies" is a capitalist grift and that any new technologies that would require any new infrastructure would wreak untold devastation on the Global South so leftism shouldn't pursue them.

Ditto for the whole "critical theory" anti-consumerist crowd like Liz Ryerson or the writer of that fucking Barbie movie critique that's been going around Tumblr or the writer who I won't name who personally traumatized me off a Discord server.

From everything I have seen, those people's praxis is pretty much just "bully people until they stop watching what we don't like," with a side of "make people as self-negatingly miserable as us" as far as I can tell given how they never have done anything with regards to expanding Creative Commons artistic communities, because for all their talk they seem to mostly hate any creative communities too aesthetically "pulp"

Like... I'm aware it comes from a deep psychological wound (I'm not even getting into the half of the trauma), and this probably an invitation for everyone on Leftist Tumblr to make fun of me for my privileged trauma bullshit.

But at my honest core, I hate anticonsumerism and its related ideas because; as far as I can tell, their ultimate goal ends with a world run like my parents, where you have to beg to get things you need to pursue your passions and niche artforms struggle to materially exist if they're any technological/industrial levels beyond community theatre and whittling and such...

Thinking of your post on the problems of veganism as a movement vs veganism as a lifestyle choice/one technique amongst many, that also applys super well to my issues with degrowth (And anticonsumerism as well) as a movement vs degrowth as one technique amongst many for dealing with the hydra-crisis of overproduction/resource overuse/destroying people and places for resources.

Like, in particular as an autistic person the continual recurring insistence that we need to just "change our desires" creeps me out. As someone who's difficulties were dismissed as just "having a bad attitude" and who's interests were so often dismissed as a waste of time instead of preparing for a job in the "real world" IDK if they truly understand the full horrifying implications of that line of thought.

So here's the thing with the concept of "overconsumption"

I had to do this whole project on overconsumption in my Anthropology class where I compared my consumption habits to those of someone 2 generations older, the prof clearly had in mind that we would discover a particular result that I did not end up finding.

I had to watch this documentary called "Affluenza" which was all about how Americans consume too much and they shop and buy things for fun and it's killing the planet, and it kept making these statements like "The average american does X..." and "X" would be something insane that I've never dreamed of doing.

Now I technically grew up below the poverty line, we were always financially insecure and struggling to pay bills and there was never any extra money lying around.

But my upbringing felt average, even privileged. We had a house instead of a trailer on cinder blocks, we had food and clothes. Compared to the upbringing of my mom and virtually everyone she knew growing up, we lived in fabulous luxury.

And the "overconsumption" lesson was bizarre to me because it brought up things like "going shopping for fun once a week" and "owning 20+ pairs of shoes" as if they were normal. I wear my clothes until they're unwearable and shop for clothes like once a year, and my mom has half as many clothes as I do. She feels guilty buying anything for herself and HATES shopping.

It feels like the dominant resources on living an eco friendly lifestyle presume that we have far more agency in what we buy and use than we actually do, instead of being stuck with the cheapest or closest available thing, and that our lives are full of extraneous, non-essential "consumption."

That class brought up the idea of "conspicuous consumption" a lot, or buying things to obtain social status instead of for their concrete utility. The way "conspicuous consumption" was addressed in the class was not very immediately relatable to me—I never had the option of buying clothes just to appear "with it" socially. My parents couldn't buy an extra car to fit the aesthetic of the American dream—we had enough trouble keeping the one we had running. The "conspicuous consumption" that class addressed was just not available to me.

However, I don't think conspicuous consumption is endemic to stable members of a certain socioeconomic status, because consumption is partially driven by the trauma of poverty. People who grew up poor will buy you more Christmas gifts than you can store or use, because they want to spare you the shame they experienced. Their brains are molded around the trauma of not having enough, and giving you enough is their way of keeping you safe.

Conspicuous consumption as a habit is pushed on you if your ancestors were shaped by this trauma. It is a misrepresentation to think of it as driven by pride, because your ability to perform the behaviors and mimic the appearances of a higher socioeconomic status has a concrete effect on how people treat you.

I know J.D. Vance is a nutjob now and Hillbilly Elegy was...not great (I'm more appalachian than you bitch, and I'm not even appalachian!) but the one thing that book got incredibly right was the idea of "social capital" and the way access to financial security and wealth gives you social capital. This is the main thing the current understanding of "conspicuous consumption" gets wrong—the need to escape the appearance and behaviors of poverty is seen as vain and self-indulgent, when it's a survival mechanism and it's something you're expected to engage in to gain opportunities and respect.

Poverty is humiliating. People with money never think about the fact that they have money. They think of themselves as average, if they think of themselves in terms of socioeconomic status at all. Being poor ends up embedded in the grooves and folds of your brain.

I remember when I was about 12, I gave my friend an informal tour of our house the first time she came over, showing her every room. I realized later that this wasn't exactly a normal behavior—I had done it because my mom did the same thing when she brought her friend over, and my mom had done it because it was a way of saying look, I survived. Look, I have a place to live to call my own, isn't this nice?

At its worst, anti-consumerism just reinforces the myth that your consumption is purely a matter of personal choice. And unfortunately when the conversation is ruled by the privileged, this idea will appear substantiated—because rich people can choose the aesthetics of poverty without concretely affecting the way the world treats them. A rich person can choose to live in a "tiny house" but they will never be "trailer trash."

Anti-consumerism revolves around ideas that are almost irreparably tainted by the mythology of an unequal society. Rich people possess and control the aesthetic of restraint and frugality, allowing them to playact living a Simple Life where they live in a tiny minimalist cottage and eat Healthy Vegan Oat Gruel, while McDonalds is the emblem of American excess. It is poor people's behaviors and habits that exemplify excess and greed.

Anti-consumerism isn't going to change anything until it openly confronts the fact that poverty is traumatic and consumption patterns often arise from poverty survival mechanisms.

#trauma #art #capitalism #rambling #shut up titleknown

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asphaltvalkyrie · 10 months ago

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My coworkers sometimes post about their backyard chickens in the Slack chat, and its really making me want to get a few. I've got a big enough yard, outdoor hens are legal where I live, and Wyandottes are sooo pretty and apparently good for beginners.

But, part of responsible pet ownership is knowing when not to get a pet. I should know. I've spent my career working in animal shelters and vet clinics.

I know rationally that chickens would probably be a bad idea since I can't visualize myself consistently cleaning a coop, sterilizing a feeder/waterer or troubleshooting health problems, considering my depression-based bouts of executive dysfunction, and the fact that I barely go through a dozen eggs a month.

I think what I really want is a Bird Who Is Also My Friend because I just love birds so much. But most of the social species are parrots or parrot-adjacent, and require far more attention than I can give (not to mention the questionable ethics of keeping them as pets in the first place.) I also have 3 indoor cats, two of which would happily snatch a bird right off of my hand. So the only Friend Birds left are chickens, or perhaps pigeons, but I can't let pigeons out to run around my yard while I read or take care of the plants.

Maybe I'm going through my mid-life crisis, and its in the form of I Want Birds.

#chickens #backyard chickens #pet ownership #pet birds

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damnsmartblueboxes · 1 year ago

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I am quiet as hell about my own struggles bcs I've never been in a situation where asking for help has genuinely been a viable solution to my problems.

But I am not in a good place rn financially or emotionally for any form of signal boosting.

I am too busy drowning in executive dysfunction, and tasks other people pile on me even though, I wanted a perfectly clear schedule to deal with bueracratic nonsense and a job hunt. So I am putting on my air mask first and dealing with my own little plane crash okay?

to be very explicit:

Okay heads up I do not want financial help at this time dealing with setting up a paypal or kofi is way to much stress for my adhd and I could access funds that are behind some bureaucracy if my executives would FUNCTION.

I've been out of grocery money for the past 2 weeks so I am hungry and dehydrated. I have a headache and no medication that will reduce it.

I am coming up on a theater performance deadline and this is the third round of where I've had the "I want to focus on getting a job mom." "But you haven't made progress, you'll have fun, it gets you out and socialized, and they need people" conversation.

I stayed up til 3 washing dishes because that chore has been playing Damocles's sword for over a week. (and it's still not done. 🙃) And then slept through trying to help mom with her car problems today even though I set the alarm so I got 3 hrs of sleep.

My parent's can't help financially right now because a good thing dropped in their laps but the people in charge have piss poor logistics so that costed more than it should and is putting stress on them.

Dad won't let me grow a veggie garden bcs he's a controlling asshat about the property, and we have a giant fucking raccoon problem, and even if I could I couldn't afford it in the way that would work.

I do not have a working vehicle that is insured. I do not know how to hunt for food and I don't have the resources for that. There are NO viable jobs within walking distance.

My everything is unmedicated and untreated. I am dealing with fatigue from Covid from Febuary on top of the who the fuck knows chronic fatigue.

A Mama farmcat and 2 of her kittens have been missing without a trace for the past 3 days leaving 2 traumatized kittens who are begging for attention. I would love to get our farmcats spayed/neutered in homes but we can just manage to feed them and local shelters apparently ask for money to drop off cats.

I am so skin-hungry I could lie in a puppy pile for 6 hours. And part of why groceries are so tricky and expensive is gluten gives me inflammation.

So I will not react nicely to any form of guilt trips. Especially if I don't know you and then have to go through the whole divination process of: is this a scam?

To anyone else reading this how you can help is to send an ask along the lines of: just the that's rough buddy Zuko gif, or you can make it through today, or I wish I could take on those kittens for you.

#vent post #dsbb ops #dsbb rants

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hahaonlyjoking · 2 years ago

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musings on growth

i should really be more consistent when it comes to documenting my thoughts on myself because there are both a number of things that have changed and those that have not at all. since i wrote my last post i started a full time job at an animal shelter, and felt i was getting better! great! there were a few things that came before that such as breaking down sobbing to my therapist after accidentally accepting the job before i meant to and then being perpetually anxious for the first 6 months bc my co-worker definitely did not like me. but! i settled in, found a rhythm, made it work, became happy! decided to go back to school bc i felt i was in that such a good place now that i could do it! quit my job, went back to school. forgot to mention, global pandemic that started about 6 months before my first lecture, got really into baking. made macarons!

first semester i took world politics and photoshop. loved one hated the other. guess which? i loved photoshop so much i decided that my major should be graphic design, and signed up for three classes the next semester! wow! doing so well! second semester and i stopped doing assignments for art history bc it was 1000 words a week and i simply could not make myself do it. the urgency was not compelling enough. but now i was self-aware about my executive dysfunction instead of me literally almost self-harming screaming whyyyyyy. so growth? hmmmm. finished the other 2 classes! woooo! should be a-ok to sign up for 2 for third semester! half-way into third semester the executive dysfunction picks up and i’m not completing work for either class and send a half-assed sorry! gotta drop the classes! to the professor and then ghost. lol. around the same time i stopped going to therapy. they were video calls at this point (still in a global pandemic) and i ghosted there too. my lack of accountability is really going to catch up with me at some point.

anyway, here i am, over two years later and no more credits done since then. lying to pretty much everyone around me that i’m still in school, still working on a degree, still taking meds, still in therapy, still seeing a psychiatrist. i feel as though my understanding of myself has increased leaps and bounds but that’s not something i can really use to help me change my behavior, just analyze it. and saying feel there is particularly noticeable. meaning that is not necessarily true ahahaaaaaaaa. regardless, first step is getting back on meds. i’m exercising now (growth! working w my trauma!), and my hypothesis is that plus the wellbutrin i think i can get back to arf mood. healthcare is currently taken care of *wipes brow* luckily, bc that was part of the reason i stopped getting meds/going to the psychiatrist. i couldn’t make myself deal with health insurance and i couldn’t explain that to my therapist. i do feel like she could’ve reached out more than twice after she stopped hearing from me though. it’s fine, whatever.

so if i was going to make a goal for this summer it would be getting back on meds and signing up for classes again.

but that should wait actually because for over a year my eyes have been deteriorating and part of the reason i haven’t gotten them checked out is health insurance related. so i webmd diagnosed myself with macular degeneration as a symptom of diabetes, went on a keto/low carb diet and lost a significant amount of weight (we’ll get back to that). since insurance’s figured out, probably, and i got an A1C blood test back saying everything was normal it was hard to keep up with the diabetes idea, but i am bc my eyes are still fucked. so that first. i gotta take care of myself bc i’m not a ghost anymore. i am not in a liminal state of being. i am a person who affects the lives of others. i will die, but before that i need to live.

back to the weight thing though, i don’t think i realized how bad my image of myself was until i lost this weight. i think i really hated myself but decided instead of doing that actively i’d just not care about it. a coping mechanism, but it’s created a problem for me now that i’ve lost this weight i don’t want to gain it back. i’ve noticed this thought and have been working to combat it. i think i was affected in a different but similar way to kenna. i was not fat in high school but i became so in about 1-2 years afterwards. it went hand-in-hand with my depression so i think i’ve conflated the two. it also doesn’t help that i continue to get outside positive reinforcement about it. people will say “looking good” and i want to shoot them and then myself. because it’s nice to get compliments but DON’T COMMENT ON PEOPLE’S BODIES!!!!!! an aside, it’s 2023, i shouldn’t have to say that to people my age. so, i’ve been struggling with self-image quite a bit more than i can remember ever doing before.

growth? we shall see.

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nataliereed84-blog · 2 years ago

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So, for a very very long time now - like from even before transition! - I've had this idea for a comic. It never went away, I ALWAYS wanted to someday do it. There were lots of barriers, though; ADHD executive dysfunction, addiction, poverty, housing instability, the way my own drawing style wasn't suited to what I wanted it to be, my shear laziness, and the "comics don't work that way" problem that to function as I envisioned it it would need to run for*exactly* 50 issues. No more, no less. The working title was "Five Years", like the Bowie song that inspired it, and the premise was thus: Astrophysicists determine that a very very nearby star is about to go supernova and release a huge blast of gamma radiation directly towards Earth. And, due to the way astrophysics work, this had in fact *already happened* and it was just a matter of waiting for the light (and very shortly afterward, the radiation) to reach Earth. It was already over. We were doomed. The gamma burst would arrive in five years (the exact date and time would be a little more precise than that, of course). The series would in absolutely no way be about trying to save the world. That end would be a foregone conclusion. It would follow how a variety of people REACTED to this foregone conclusion. Five characters would be followed for the entire five years, each of them receiving one issue for each year (plus a sixth showing them on the final day), counting down as we follow their stories. Each "chapter" (Five Years Left, Four Years Left, Three Years Left, etc) would also feature one extra issue following a "one-off" character. It would be set in England, primarily Bristol, Shrewsbury, Birmingham, Nottingham, Stafford, and London. The surviving cities and architecture of Canada and the US are too young, you see.

The five principle characters were each going to be showing a different angle on the ways human beings assert and affirm life in the face of mortality… albeit excluding religious answers entirely, because religion means you don't *have* to cope with the existential implications of mortality.

One character is pregnant and in the midst of deciding whether or not to carry the pregnancy to term when she gets the news. Ultimately, she *does* choose to have the child, even though they'll never see their fifth birthday.

One character is an art history professor who has a bit of a nervous breakdown thinking about how the totality of human cultural achievement is going to be erased, and frantically starts stealing and hoarding various masterpieces and treasures and such, until ultimately starting to simply expend them for survival (of herself and others, too).

One character is a heroin addict who proceeds with his efforts to get clean despite the fact that the world is ending and there's no future for him one way or the other.

One character is preparing for his suicide when he gets the news, and delays it to make sure his little sister is okay. He continues deferring his suicide to help various people all the way to the end. He's the last to succumb to the radiation.

And one is a low-ranking civil servant who simply keeps going into work each day, and, by virtue of most people quitting / giving up / not caring anymore, she acquires greater and greater responsibility until she's one of the sole forces maintaining any infrastructure or organization of any kind in the Midlands.

The one-off characters are the BBC presenter tasked with making the announcement, a scientist in an international think tank pursuing a solution who realizes his job is *actually* just to keep society and governments functioning through the illusion there might *be* a solution, the Prime Minister as he realizes there no longer *is* a government for him to lead, and a survivalist hoarding supplies for his family in a fallout shelter (that will be pointless, because surviving the radiation means you just die from the now unliveable atmosphere).

The ideas and narratives, as you can see, largely hinge around society progressively collapsing as the clock counts down.

But I realized today that the story could never work now. No one would buy it.

Because now we know that no one would have believed the astrophysicists in the first place.

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yo-anna0315 · 4 years ago

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Soukoku and a kiddo HCs

Some of this might refer to my own OC rather than just any kid, but anyway Dazai is still with the ADA, Chuuya is either the mafia boss or still an exec under Mori.

Chuuya has a fondness for stray kids and Dazai is impartial to orphans because of Odasaku, but neither of them plan on having kids or adopting because wow they have hectic lives and they themselves are very chaotic.

They’re also doing this new thing called can we have a functional relationship with each other? This includes Chuuya not turning to alcoholic tendencies every time he gets overwhelmed and Dazai not attempting to actively kill himself without going to Chuuya or someone else first, and the both of them trying to open up and trust each other more outside of combat.

Chuuya is probably walking home to one of his safehouses late at night, and some street kid comes and pickpockets him. And GETS AWAY with it. Chuuya is just shocked because excuse??? Some runt just came and picked his pocket??? He’s more amazed that someone would dare to pick his pocket and succeed rather than be annoyed. Well damn. The kid didn’t take anything important, just a bit of pocket change so Chuuya doesn’t care. But he’s impressed.

Dazai finds out when Chuuya mentions it over dinner and he’s DYING of laughter. He wants to meet this kid.

“Chibi got mugged!” “I didn’t get mugged, you asshole! I just said they stole some pocket change!” “Ah, Chibikko’s losing his touch. “You bastard!”

So Dazai does what Dazai does best and finds the kid without Chuuya even telling him a single thing.

“All I do is check the security cam footage you have around the safehouse, but that must be too big for your sheepdog brain to handle.”

The kid is a little snappy at first because who the fuck is this bandaged wearing idiot asking if they stole something. They live on the STREETS, what DON’T they steal? And then it clicks that they stole from a Port Mafia Executive. And Not just ANY PM Exec, they stole from the Gravity Manipulator.

The kid: “haha I’m in danger”

Dazai catches them and brings them back to Chuuya’s apartment and the kid is freaking out because oh my god, I’m going to lose my hand for stealing. Or worse! And Dazai is just so happy, what an asshole

“Chibi!” “What do you want, asshole?” “Look!” “Did you KIDNAP a fucking child!” “No, this is kid who stole from you, remember? The one who mugged you and stole your cash!” “You kidnapped a child.”

At this point the kid is in hysterics because why is he so happy? What’s going on? Are they going to die??? And then Chuuya, always the one with manners, is like I’m sorry my asshole boyfriend kidnapped you, can I make it up to you with dinner and a shower?

They’re not going to turn down free gifts, but they are extremely on edge. But Chuuya is a great cook and his shower is luxurious because he knows how to treat himself right (unlike a certain mackerel).

So the kid takes a shower first because hot water is utterly delightful and should never be wasted, they have two bowls of ramen and rice with nori sheets because hunger. Chuuya is appreciative because at least someone appreciates the hard work he puts into his food. Dazai is secretly relieved because he won’t have to eat the leftovers and he can just eat canned crab without feeling guilty.

Dinner and a shower turns into a night on the lounge in the study in safety and comfort, which turns into breakfast in the morning, which turns into dinner every few months and the cycle repeats until Dazai spills sake on the lounge and insists that the kid move into the spare bedroom for the night.

This kid is like okay wtf. Chuuya is exasperated, Dazai is scheming. Chuuya makes them have a sit down conversation because he’s trying to be better and the kid doesn’t need more dysfunction in their life. They extend an open invitation for the kid to come by whenever they want.

“Or you could just stay, it’s not like we’re not used to you at this point. And you haven’t run away screaming from us so we haven’t messed up yet.” “Dazai… what the fuck.”

Dazai and Chuuya agree to keep the kid away from the mafia, mostly Mori because Mori could use the kid as leverage over both Chuuya and Dazai and thas no bueno. (If Chuuya’s the mafia boss then he’ll probably keep the kid away from the mafia, unless they want in then he’ll sit down with them and have a talk to make sure they know what they’re getting into). So, Dazai gets a little shadow that just kind of loiters around the ADA.

Dazai trades completed paperwork for tutoring lessons from Kunikida when he has time, Yosano teaches them anatomy and basic first aid, Atsushi, Ranpo, Tanizaki, Naomi and Kenji get a new friend. Fukuzawa sometimes spends time enlightening the kid about politics and strategy and history, or watches over the kid when Dazai has to work on a case.

Kouyou finds out about the kid on accident and whisks the kid away to teach them etiquette and class and spoils them with shopping. Despite her loyalty to Mori, her fondness of Chuuya keeps her from outing the kid to the Boss.

At home, Chuuya teaches the kid martial arts and if they have an ability then Chuuya and Dazai team up to coach the kid through developing their power whatever it may be. Dazai also teaches the kid how to pick locks and psychology, like how to read body language, how to lie, how to get the truth from someone.

I feel like the kid wouldn’t completely abandon the streets, so they go visit old friends and bring left overs or snacks or water bottles to their friends still on the street.

Even though they don’t need to, the kid has connections through other street orphans so they can relay information to Dazai and Chuuya.

“There’s been this group trying to take over one of the ports, but we can’t find any intel on where their base is located or who they are.” “Oh, you mean the group of people taking shelter in one of the abandoned warehouses? They’re so rude.”

“The killer escaped, but they aren’t sure how.” “If you go down this alleyway, you can sneak over the wall. It’s hard, but once you figure out how to get over, it’s really easy to lose people.”

Dazai and Chuuya have a push and pull type of relationship. It’s balanced for the most part because they trust each other and know each other well, but sometimes it tips too much like when Dazai gets flighty and suicidal and refuses to tell anyone or when Chuuya starts falling back on alcohol, then it’s a little rocky. But I feel like having someone else to provide and care for and receive help and appreciation helps them to balance out.

I really like this headcanon because I’m a sucker for found families and Soukoku deserves to be happy dammit.

#do people get nervous about posting stuff?#soukoku #soukoku headcanons #headcanons #skk #bungou stray dogs #bsd #i LOVE found family tropes #also the thought of Dazai being responsible for another human being is amusing to me #because disaster mackerel #I would trust Chuuya with a kid #I would only trust Dazai with a kid if he had Chuuya #I bet Chuuya spent a lot of time with kyouka when she was PM #I might make a part 2 of this #dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya

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mostlymovieswithmax · 4 years ago

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Movies I watched in July

Once again I’m doing my monthly round-up of movies I’ve watched. This was a good month for the cinema getting back on track and seeing new releases including the new M. Night movie, Old and James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad. Pretty sure Marvel put out a new movie also. I’m hoping that this list can help in guiding a decision about what to watch (or what to avoid) and introduce people to movies they may otherwise not have heard of or bothered to see. These short reviews are my own subjective opinions on each individual movie and maybe a more informal approach to movie criticism can help include others who are just passing through. Here is every film I watched from the 1st to the 31st of July.

Bridesmaids (2011) - 4/10

Off to a good start. I won’t say Bridesmaids is a terrible movie but I don’t think I’m exactly the target audience. As far as I know, this is a beloved comedy but I just can’t get on board with all the boring, juvenile humour; with Maya Rudolph shitting in the street, with Rose Byrne and Kristen Wiig trying to one-up each other at a toast that went on forever, with Melissa McCarthy shitting in a sink… the conflict is so done to death and makes the movie feel unspecial. I do understand the appeal of the film, especially for women in that before this movie the likelihood of seeing something like this, where women play up the more crass and gross side of comedy, was probably few and far between. But the story is very tired and while I did appreciate some moments, namely a couple of decent jokes and some of the more intimate scenes, for the most part it felt like they wanted to corner a more quiet type of line delivery in a way that was supposed to be understated but very funny so as to not rely on over the top body language or musical cues, and it ended up being super dull.

Spectre (2015) - 7/10

As far as I can tell, a lot of people don’t like this instalment of the James Bond franchise… but I really enjoyed it! I’ve really taken a shine to these Daniel Craig-era Bond movies and while I can’t say any of them are the most amazing thing, I have a lot of fun with them. The biggest problem I have with Spectre is the villain being utterly pointless and uninteresting in basically every way. The idea of every villain Bond has fought before being tied to this one organisation controlled by this one guy is ridiculous, and what makes it worse is that the villain is barely in it! There’s so much that doesn’t come together in this but as it goes, I still had a really good time. Daniel Craig holds the whole thing together; he is excellent as 007 and the main reason I’m up for each of these movies is because of him. Sam Mendes directs again after the previous instalment and for what it’s worth I do think he does a good job with some of the action set pieces and the locations. I’m so ready for No Time To Die.

Shazam (2019) - 7/10

Shazam is a genuinely fun superhero movie that doesn’t take itself seriously at all. I was having a great time throughout and while it could conform to some of the same tropes we’re used to with these kinds of movies, it still remained playful and used the character of Shazam to his fullest potential in a way that showed an understanding of just how silly the idea of a kid who can turn into an adult and shoot lightning out of his hands is.

High School Musical (2006) - 6/10

So as you may or may not know, I co-host a podcast: The Sunday Movie Marathon. It’s a film podcast and every week I get together with my other co-hosts and watch movies. For episode 38, we watched the High School Musical trilogy. This first movie blew me away. I was really surprised with just how much fun I had, and if you want to hear more of my thoughts on the film, please listen to episode 38 of the podcast.

High School Musical 2 (2007) - 4/10

We then jumped into the second and while it’s certainly not as good as its predecessor, there are still some brilliant songs that manage to top the last movie. Again, more of what I have to say can be heard on episode 38 of the podcast.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year (2008) - 3/10

Senior Year was pretty hard to get through. I don’t remember it being as bad as it was, but then I didn’t really remember it anyway. It did however have one redeeming quality, which you can discover on episode 38 of the podcast.

The Piano Teacher (2001) - 9/10

What the fuuuckkkk. The Piano Teacher is horrendously affecting and I was so upset when it ended, maybe not because it’s not what I wanted but because it’s just so fucking dour and unrelenting. This is the second Haneke movie I’ve seen (after the original Funny Games) and I’m so impressed with how well executed it is. Following a woman who teaches piano, we get a glimpse into the life she lives, how sheltered she is from living with her mother at an age where you’d reasonably expect a person to be living alone or with a partner or friends (even going so far as to be sleeping in the same bed as her), and how repressed she is sexually. It’s clear she’s never experienced any kind of sexual interaction or romantic love with another person, so she goes out of her way to take control and make that happen. The upsetting nature of it comes from just what she does in pursuit of it or as a result of her repression, and what is done to her. It is by no means a movie to recommend to your parents but The Piano Teacher offers so much in terms of the ideas it presents (and I’ll admit there seems to be a lot more going on than I think I picked up on a first go round) about women in modern society, and about the portrayal of sex and expectations of people when it comes to how that is represented in a person’s character depending on their gender. I really enjoyed this movie but it is not for the faint of heart.

Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure (2011) - 1/10

My podcast co-hosts decided it’d be a right laugh to add Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure to this episode and that might have been a fun idea for them because they got to watch it together, but I was just watching it alone. Just a 24-year-old man watching Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure alone and having a miserable time, I might add. But for a short and sweet ramble on what we all thought, please listen to episode 38 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

Dr. No (1962) - 6/10

A lot of very iffy parts of this movie. A lot of discomfort arising from how black people are portrayed that really didn’t sit right with me. As far as a Bond movie goes, this first instalment in the series is one I’ve seen before and it’s not wholly engaging but it plants the seeds for the rest, with Sean Connery breathing life into the role and making an otherwise lacklustre plot bearable.

Black Widow (2021) - 6/10

I think probably the best part about Black Widow is the experience I had while watching it. It was great being back in the cinema with a couple of friends in a packed theatre. The energy was high and I’m sure for a lot of people, this is the first time they’d been to the cinema since Endgame. For what it’s worth, I did have a lot of fun with Black Widow and I’ve explained more of what I thought about the movie in episode 39 of the podcast.

The Climb (2020) - 10/10

The Climb was added to Now TV recently and I already knew I loved it, having seen it in an empty cinema theatre last year, which I had an absolute blast with. The Climb details the years of a rocky friendship told over scenes filmed as one-shots. Not only is the presentation something to gawk at, but the performances by the two leads playing these friends with a terrifically dysfunctional dynamic is truly captivating. They’re both trying to figure out their own lives and where one can come across as being rather selfish, the opposite is true in his counterpart, whom everyone loves. This is a truly funny and heartwarming movie with a lot to say about how we choose to live our lives and who we choose to be with. It’s a shame the distributors of The Climb didn’t do a very good job because if not for it being available on Now TV, it would be near impossible to watch without forking out more money than is necessary to purchase a film.

From Russia With Love (1963) - 5/10

The second Bond movie. I thought perhaps I’d change my mind on it with another watch, having seen it for the first time maybe a year ago. But no, it’s still largely boring and it treats women like absolute garbage. From Russia With Love is one of those movies I forget as I watch it, and I was trying very hard (in the middle of the day!) not to fall asleep.

The Good, The Bart, and The Loki (2021) - 1/10

I don't usually talk about the short films I watch but for this I'll make an exception. As we all should know, Disney owns The Simpsons now, through their acquisition of Fox, so, coupled with another of their properties, that being Marvel, they decided to make a six-minute animated film wherein Marvel’s Loki is stranded in Springfield. This felt as though it was a minute long due to the horrendously jarring pacing; it is a movie that feels adamant that it needs to exist, while trying as hard as it can to be over as soon as possible. It serves only to stare the audience directly in the face and say “look, characters from The Simpsons are dressed as Avengers”, shit out three credit scenes, then end before you’ve even processed the atrocity you just bore witness to.

Russian Ark (2002) - 8/10

For this next episode of the podcast, we watched a few Russian movies, starting with Russian Ark, a film shot completely in one take as the camera moves about a luxurious museum in a first-person perspective as this main character watches what is happening around him, seeing people moving about the place but unable to interact with them, guided only by another man who seems to be just slightly out of his own perception of reality. This is a tremendous feat in filmmaking and more can be heard about what I have to say in episode 39 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

Ivan’s Childhood (1962) - 7/10

For my own pick of Russian movies to discuss on the podcast, I chose the debut feature from one of my favourite directors, Andrei Tarkovsky. It’s amazing that while this is not his best film by far, Ivan’s Childhood is still such a stellar debut, jumping around in its timeline as it details a child’s experience in the second world war. Again, I do go into more depth in episode 39 of the podcast, so be sure to check that out.

Outlaw (2019) - 1/10

The third movie chosen for this marathon is apparently the fourth Russian LGBTQ+ movie ever made. I’m unsure of the ultimate goal of this movie but what seems to be clear is that it hates the LGBTQ+ community. This is perhaps the worst film we’ve discussed on the podcast to date, so listen to episode 39 to understand exactly why it’s such trash.

Almost Famous (2000) - 7/10

I too love heavy music and also studied journalism so it stands to reason that a movie about a teenager who makes his way onto a band tour, following them through America and interviewing them as they hang out and play shows is going to be a premise that resonates with me. This certainly did. I enjoyed Almost Famous a lot; this kid is living the dream and I was so along for the ride, seeing a lot of myself in what was being portrayed. That said, the story itself is at times a bit by the numbers and I really would’ve been more on board if the visual component was more interesting. For what it is, technically it’s fine enough but nothing in that department ever jumped out at me.

Minari (2021) - 8/10

It’s crazy that this didn’t get a theatrical run where I live in the UK. It feels as though I complain about film distribution all the time but I really don’t understand the process by which a movie gets no cinematic release and yet, months later will pop up on the front shelf of hmv, taking pride of place. But of course I got the blu-ray straight away. Minari has a lot to say about the immigrant experience, specifically in America as a family comes over from Korea and tries to start a business and make something of themselves. You get to see a lot of what you might not think twice about when you think about immigration: the hardship of coming from a place where you know everyone to somewhere rural and sparsely populated, having to make friends with locals and integrate within the community; the strain it can put on a family and on a marriage where this idea is presented about the importance of making it on your own in order to live and not just survive, while also taking into account why you’re doing it in the first place and the value you place on being part of a family that you decided to make because that was more important than money, than economy, than proving you were good enough to make it in a place that gave you very little advantage from the offset. This concept of the promised land, of the American dream is a construct. There are times when it’s not pretty, when you have no running water, or you’re in debt, or a family member is dying and it just feels like you’ve been dealt as bad a hand as you can get. But it is better to know you’re not facing all that alone.

Roma (2018) - 10/10

This was my recommendation for the podcast episode on Alfonso Cuarón movies. Roma is as beautiful as it is heart-wrenching and I would recommend listening to episode 40 of the podcast to find out more about my thoughts.

An American Werewolf In London (1981) - 8/10

In all fairness, London is enough to make anyone a little crazy at the best of times. An American Werewolf in London showcases some fantastically grotesque effects, akin to something like Carpenter’s The Thing, in showing the dead brought back to life and a horrifically gory transformation scene. Although the film is from the perspective of an American protagonist, directed also by an American, the depiction of British culture and climate is something I’ve not seen many films pull off quite so well, and I was pleasantly surprised at the more comedic tone the film has overall, which is something that works more in its favour than straight horror would.

The Party’s Just Beginning (2018) - 6/10

Karen Gillan’s directorial debut is… pretty good! There are a lot of ideas I like in this movie: a woman living life and through convenient circumstances, is confronted with death in many ways. Gillan obviously knows her homeland as well as she can, imbuing the whole thing with an intensely Scottish vibe (though maybe not in the same vein as something like Trainspotting) that makes it a bit more unique than a more run of the mill movie of this ilk, backed up in no small part by her own main performance. The plot itself is no great diversion from the kind of story I’m used to with these smaller movies and for something that’s trying to include messaging about transgender issues and suicide, it probably could have been handled better or done in a different way.

Solaris (1972) - 9/10

Another Tarkovsky joint, one I thought I’d revisit to see if there was indeed more to get out of it a second time. Well, it’s no surprise that yes, there was certainly more to get out of it. Solaris is a crazy trip of a movie and I would liken it to Kubrick’s 2001 in terms of how grand the scale of it feels. Yet this is a film that comes across as deeply personal, choosing to focus on a specific character as he goes to a space station to help those on board who are experiencing some kind of emotional crises, only to feel the effects of the planet, Solaris invading his own mind as it has the crew. To many, I can see this lengthy Russian sci-fi being a tad slow but my personal experience is one of deep engagement. Solaris pulls its viewer in a lot of different directions and it is always doing something unexpected in terms of where its narrative goes. There’s a lot to think about with the movie and thankfully it’s no chore to watch again.

Y Tu Mamá También (2001) - 9/10

Another recommendation for the podcast episode on Alfonso Cuarón movies. This is a very relaxed experience, following three young people as they go on a road trip, visit different places and have sex. Listen to episode 40 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast for more of my thoughts.

Children of Men (2006) - 10/10

My favourite Cuarón movie, one that never stops being tense as its characters are constantly moving towards the end goal. Set in a future where humans are infertile, the oldest living person is 18, and London is the last city in the world that’s still keeping it together, somewhat. This is masterclass filmmaking. Listen to episode 40 of the podcast for more insights.

Minority Report (2002) - 5/10

I’m really not the biggest fan of Spielberg… Minority Report is an interesting movie in terms of its concept of stopping crimes before they happen by way of prediction, but I just didn’t connect with the heart of it. The colouring is way too overexposed in a way that’s supposed to be eliciting a futuristic vibe but instead feels so early-2000’s in the worst way. My biggest problem with Minority Report is just how long it is, clocking in at two hours and twenty-five minutes which allows for a lot of meandering, all while never quite developing characters enough for you to care about.

Caché (2005) - 9/10

Oh god! Another Michael Haneke movie! Here we see a couple periodically sent video tapes featuring hours of footage of the outside of their house. The anxiety ratchets up and the mystery gets deeper with every minute. There’s always at least one moment in any of his films that have so far made me realise just how out of my depth I am. Caché is no exception, and I won’t spoil anything here because I think it’s better just to watch the movie and see for yourself. He is a director that wants the audience to know something and that something is never what is explicitly shown at face value; it is pressed into the fabric of the film - plainly evident, yet hidden. Caché is so stupidly clever in displaying its themes and messaging - making reference to the Siene Massacre of 1961 as well as a deeper study of colonialism - and there’s no way to change a single detail of it without risking the Jenga tower crumbling to the ground. It all works in tandem. It is passion and fury and haunting.

Coco (2017) - 7/10

Pixar had a string of around seven forgettable movies before this point so thankfully Coco emerged to show the company still had something good in them. Coco deals a lot with themes of death and legacy, remembering those who are gone in order to preserve them and while its plotting is quite basic and there are certainly moments that either drag or cannot escape the same Pixar formula, most of what the movie has to offer is a lot of fun, with creative, colourful animation and emotional beats that resonate the way they’re supposed to.

Incredibles 2 (2018) - 5/10

Oh, they almost had it! There's a lot here that could have been explored in far more interesting ways. Setting Incredibles 2 directly after the events of the first movie was not a good idea. If it had taken place five or ten years after, the characters could have been in different places in life and it would feel as though they'd actually changed and developed. But instead of trying to be a film that actually cares about its characters and the journeys they go on, a lot of the film is wrestling with the idea that Bob isn't supportive of his wife and Jack-Jack has to fight a raccoon… They have to shoehorn in a villain that in no way compares to the genius of the original. The ending of the original introduces another antagonist that gets wrapped up within this film's first ten minutes, except they don't catch him and he's never mentioned again. It's a real shame because the animation is fantastic and the acting is superb and there are great ideas sprinkled throughout. It just doesn't come together.

Toy Story 4 (2019) - 6/10

I was rather reluctant to watch Toy Story 4 because from the get-go I’m not really here for sequels being made just for the sake of it. Everyone loves Toy Story and making another one is a sure fire way to make money. This is the first time I’ve seen Toy Story 4 and for what it’s worth, I did enjoy it. The animation is immaculate and that alone feels like a huge flex from Pixar who tend to step up the game when it comes to animation in film, despite not having the best track record for films generally at this point. While it was nice to see these characters again, I found a lot of them to be side-lined (namely Buzz) in favour of a story that focuses mainly or entirely on Woody, who I just don’t like as much as in the previous movies. Generally the movie is good and decent enough but there’s no real antagonist and the plot is quite loose… it doesn’t feel as though it needed to be made from a story point of view.

Onward (2020) - 6/10

And with that I have seen every Pixar movie. And Onward is a fine one to go out on. While I don’t think it compares to the likes of earlier Pixar it’s still pretty fun. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a medieval setting filled with bright colours and magic! Speaking of which, the animation was super and the medieval quest element is something that hooked me with the film. Again, plot-wise it does feel very familiar and I don’t know, maybe I’m past the point now of expecting Pixar to mix it up where their formula for story-telling is concerned but the movie is quite predictable. Nonetheless, while I’m not rushing back to see Onward I would hardly turn it off or refuse if someone wanted to watch it.

Old (2021) - 3/10

Oh boy! New M. Night movie dropped and my word, was it fun! For more of my thoughts on this… masterpiece (?) of a movie, please direct your attention to episode 41 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

T2 Trainspotting (2017) - 5/10

Trainspotting is perhaps one of my favourite movies and I had never bothered with the sequel, 20 years on, because the ending of that first movie is so conclusive. T2 felt more an excuse for these guys to get together again and in that, I probably would have preferred a couple of pictures on Twitter of the main cast and director, Danny Boyle having dinner or something. This is a fine movie - very arty in its presentation but meandering and dull in its story that doesn’t offer much in the way of proof that it had to exist.

Taste of Cherry (1997) - 9/10

What makes life worth living? This is a central question and theme of Taste of Cherry, and one that leaves such interpretation not only up to its central character but to the viewer as well. This film got me thinking about times in my life when I truly have had no answer to hard questions. Because it’s hard to convince people of things they are so adamantly against and harder still to rationalise what you believe if you’re not even entirely sure why you believe it in the first place. We are all of us alive and in recognising that, does that make it precious? And if indeed living is not a happy thing, why then should we fight so hard to preserve it? I felt upset as I watched this movie because I’ve been asked these kinds of questions before and it makes me feel stupid when I’m unable to answer. But the only real answer I can give is, everything. And if you can’t see the point then you’re not looking hard enough. Taste of Cherry is beautiful in its exploration of these topics and in its overall presentation, offering some of the best visuals in any movie I’ve seen - fitting for a feature with so much to say about the beauty of life - and an ending that as much pulls the rug out from under you as it does pull you out of the dark and make you realise just how lonely you’ve felt.

Bones (2001) - 2/10

Snoop Dogg is Jimmy Bones! This film is super funny but I’m not sure it’s trying to be and I really didn’t love it overall. But I do talk more in depth about it in episode 41 of the podcast.

The Duchess (2008) - 5/10

Another recommendation for the podcast. The Duchess was pretty much exactly what I thought it was going to be and there’s a lot to like about it but generally it’s a bit sparse. For more chat on the movie, listen to episode 41 of the podcast.

The Man With One Red Shoe (1985) - 1/10

This was another one for the podcast and man, was it awful. We had to watch it at 1.5x speed towards the end because it just wasn’t getting finished otherwise. To find out more, make sure to listen to episode 41 of the podcast.

The Emperor’s New Groove (2000) - 7/10

Pull the lever, Kronk! Haha! Slays me. I do quite miss this era of Disney, where the animation was hand-drawn and the stories were actually compelling and funny. The Emperor’s New Groove is vibrant, it’s got great characters and memorable moments that will forever be ingrained in the memory of culture. All in all, it’s just a solid flick that doesn’t waste time, developing the standard fall from glory type of arc but smoothly and in an entertaining way.

The Suicide Squad (2021) - 8/10

Oh, bloody hell! They actually made a good one! The Suicide Squad is not only better than the ‘Suicide Squad’ of 2016 in every way, it’s a genuinely great film! This time, James Gunn (director of Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy movies) is at the helm and it seems clear that Warner Bros. basically let him do what he wanted with the movie, as it doesn’t seem to bog itself down with the restrictions of a more family-friendly rating. The result of this is a far cleaner, colourful film with a clearer vision that takes from early Vietnam movies and uses that style to craft a superhero/villain movie that differentiates itself among the copious amount of existing films of the genre. The Suicide Squad wastes very little time, introducing fun, crazy characters we’ve not seen on the big screen before and isn’t worried about killing a whole bunch of them, with standouts being Elba’s Bloodsport, Melchior’s Ratcatcher 2, Stallone’s King Shark (expertly rendered with fantastic visual effects), and Robbie’s returning interpretation of Harley Quinn. A lot of Gunn’s trademark sense of humour is laced throughout and more often than not, it hits. The audience at the cinema were truly loving this movie and I’ll admit, I was right there with them. This mix of the gritty, gory and absurd is not something that should work as well as it does but the basic premise of the film is already so silly (and boy, do they know it) that it just works! Certainly one of the best DC movies since The Dark Knight and one I’d be more than happy to watch again. This is what the modern comic book movie should be: just balls to the wall fun!

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snails-tales · 3 years ago

Text

Hey people I have an animal-related predicament that has been literally tearing my soul apart for months and I could really use some expertise or advice.

So I have mentioned before that I have cats, 2 to be precise, but they aren’t supposed to be mine, they were adopted by sister with the understanding that when she moved out she would take the cats with her. However when she got married her husband already had a cat so my sister said that she can’t take our cats because she couldn’t afford three cats as a newlywed so I ended up inheriting these cats because I love them and I’ve bonded with them.

Here’s my problem though, I am very mentally ill and I’m really struggling to give these cats the proper care that they deserve. It breaks my heart every single day thinking that I might have to re-home them because I would miss them dreadfully, they have been living with me and my parents for almost 5 years now and I’ve grown very attached. My mom has been helping me pay for their food and vet bills and she’s very good about reminding me when to feed them, but my parents don’t want cats, they didn’t sign up for having cats because they were supposed to be my sister’s cats, but she is about to have a baby now so she is never going to take these cats, they are my responsibility now.

Another big thing is that my father is a very intimidating and vocally aggressive man, he’s one of those people with uncontrollable rage impulses and the cats getting into things that they shouldn’t be makes him extremely angry. He has threatened to harm the cats multiple times, to which I threatened legal action, and I’m currently working on making enough money to move out because of this. But at the end of the day I can’t take care of these cats, I struggle the most with the litter box, sometimes going upwards of 14 days without cleaning it and I feel wretchedly guilty about it!! but it stresses me out so much and my executive dysfunction keeps putting it off until it gets really bad. I go weeks without showering or brushing my own teeth, I’m not in a place to properly care for these cats. Maybe if they used the bathroom outside like a dog does it would be much easier, but they are indoor cats because all cats should be indoor cats. My mom and dad absolutely REFUSE to help with the litter box in any way shape or form. Honestly the litter box and my angry dad are probably the biggest issues other than the fact that neither of the cats are physically loving or affectionate, in fact they openly despise most physical contact but they will cry and cry until they are fed and will sit a few feet away from you in solidarity sometimes, which is not the kind of companionship that I am looking for, I would really need an emotional support animal that can sit in my lap if anything. Don’t get me wrong I seriously adore these cats, one glance in my camera roll will tell you that I’m completely obsessed with them, but that just breaks my heart that much more that I can’t do right by them. I live in Texas in the greater Austin area, I don’t want them to go to a shelter I want them to get into a home that I can trust but I don’t even know where to start. Am I wrong for these feelings? Would it be wrong to re-home them??? I don’t know what to do

#please help #cats #animal help #cat help #six the cat #maeby the cat

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allmytwenties · 4 years ago

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Real talk for a second.

I barely come on this wonderfully insane hell sight anymore. And for whatever strange reason I feel the need to post this.

Before I continue, this is not a meme, this is not a joke, this is some shit that's been on my mind for a hot minute and I just need to get it out there.

I. Am. Depressed.

And I don't mean the kind of depressed that gives you a dark sense of humor that some people can laugh at but most look at you in abject terror that you can joke about the things that you joke about. I mean the kind of depression where I just want to give up.

I am a '90s generation millennial, and I fucking hate life. I was born neurodivergent, and growing up in the area that I did, among the people who didn't know anything about neurodivergence like they didn't, I have had basically no chance at anything. I was sheltered as fuck by my grandparents, in that I was spoiled and had everything provided for me. And then when it came time for me to start acting my age, I didn't know the first goddamn thing about anything. And I still hardly know a goddamn thing about anything.

I have a head full of useless trivia, the memory of a goldfish with head trauma, and the physical capability of somebody who has severely neglected themselves for decades.

I still to this point have not been able to take my first steps out into the world because the world is incredibly stacked against me. I don't have the drive or the energy or the capability to focus enough on deadlines to educate myself in any capacity, nor the funds to do so either.

I have zero people other than my loving, kind and incredibly understanding mother in my life who I can interact with socially, other than a small ring of online friends who I love dearly.

I no longer have any kind of physical closeness with anyone. I am touch starved in a way that I cannot even begin to explain. If a stranger gave me a hug I would probably break down crying on the spot at this point. Either that or seize up and not react to it at all except in a way that would seem socially acceptable because that's what I've rehearsed to do in situations like that because normal interactions don't fucking come easy to me.

I am scared. My mom tells me that she's not going to be around forever and I need to try and do something for myself so that I can get by in the world. And I'm trying every single avenue I can. But no matter what nothing seems to work for me.

I can't drive because the stress becomes too much for me and I start fucking shaking. Not to mention the sensory overload from having to focus on eight different things at once. And I don't live in an area that has public transportation nor any jobs that I could get to easily in my area and that I'd be able to do with my education level.

My heart keeps telling me I need to do shit, but my head keeps stopping me. I know that I have to start doing shit in order to save my own life from ending up homeless or dead from suicide but something in the back of my head that's not my depression and it's not my executive dysfunction keeps making me not do the things I need to do.

I'm so desperate to fix myself I started using pain reinforcement as a way to make myself do things. I strapped a fucking taser to my hip and every single time I would catch myself not doing something I'd zap my ass and force myself to get back to work when I could fucking move again.

But that had to quit when the panic attacks I'd get from catching myself not doing literally anything I had planned on doing that wasn't involved in bettering myself started happening.

I just want all of this to fucking end. I don't want to continue, but I have too many people that would hurt if I killed myself.

My eyes hurt from wiping them while I type this so I'm going to stop now.

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fishoutofcamelot · 5 years ago

Note

Balinor made a complete fool of himself trying to ask Hunith to a dance for the first time (Hunith thought it was cute and agreed to go with him anyway)

Sorry for the delay in replying to your ask! Executive dysfunction had me by the short-and-curlies for a bit there.

I personally headcanon Balinor as having been a playful, goofy kinda guy before his 20-year Cave Sabbatical. So I definitely see it that Balinor would be all stupid in trying to dance with Hunith.

The first time he asks her to dance, it’s at Ealdor’s yearly harvest festival. The village is typically pretty no-nonsense, all-work-and-no-play, so it’s very rare for any of them to willingly let their hair down. Hunith always insists that Balinor stay indoors unless he’s helping her do work (he IS being hunted, after all) and is tempted to make him stay inside during the festival too - but one look at his pleading, desperate eyes makes her decide against it. One night couldn’t hurt, could it?

So she tells him that he can enjoy the night and mingle among the other villagers, but only if he exercises the utmost caution. No getting drunk and splurging your life story to anyone. They think he’s just a family friend who’s recovering from a battle wound, and she’d like to keep it that way.

Of course, Balinor being Balinor, he gets drunk. And he stumbles up to Hunith, the wallflower that she is, and reaches out his hand. He giddily, drunkenly asks her to share a dance with him. She gets flustered, of course, but for some reason can’t find it in herself to turn him down.

He’s horrible at dancing. It’s clear he’s got experience with elegant court dances, the kinds you’d see at a ball, but they’re not in a castle and they’re both at least a little bit tipsy. So they trip over their own feet and bang their knees together and trip into each other’s arms.

That night, Hunith laughs for the first time since her mother died.

A week later, Hunith comes in from a long day out in the fields. She’s more than a little pissed that Balinor didn’t come out to help her, since farm assistance is part of his payment for the shelter she’s providing. Just as she’s about to rag on him about his irresponsibility, she sees him perched by the fireplace, tuning a lute. She stops in her tracks and asks him what’s going on. He tells her that he spent the day heading out to the nearest town to buy a musical instrument.

“I want to teach you how to dance,” he says. “And I want to do it proper this time.”

And though she is tired and dirty from work, she agrees. She’s never been able to say no to Balinor.

He enchants the lute to play on its own, then sweeps her into his arms and walks her through all the steps of his favourite waltz. Then the dance concludes, but he hasn’t let go of her arms yet and she doesn’t really want him to. Her calloused hands are firm and certain on his hips, as if that’s where they were meant to be all along.

As it turns out, the only way to pull themselves from the depths of each other’s eyes is to seal off a kiss. Of course, if you know how stories work then you know that things quickly evolved from that.

Two months later, Hunith wakes up next to Balinor under a thin blanket on the floor, but before she can bask in his warm presence there is a knock on the door.

It’s a delivery. A letter from Gaius. Uther’s men are on their way.

Balinor hurriedly packs his things, and Hunith runs to fetch his horse. They don’t have time to delay.

A part of her wishes she could go with him. She doesn’t have much here for her in Ealdor, just a farm that’s too big to maintain on her own and a village full of people who don’t like her too much. But a life with Balinor...maybe it would be perilous and uncertain, but at least she would be loved.

Maybe he somehow knew about her ideas to run away with him. Because by the time she returns with the horse, Balinor is already gone. Without even a goodbye.

A while after that, she discovers she’s pregnant with Balinor’s child. Through a curtain of tears she asks Gaius for advice on what to do. For the first time, Gaius has no advice to give.

She eventually chooses to keep the boy even despite the dangers, and he grows up to be a beautiful, powerful, compassionate child. She names him Merlin. And while the memories of Balinor are too painful to talk about, every once in a while she’ll strum the lute and watch sweet little Merlin dance along.

Meanwhile, Balinor lives out his days in a cave. It’s dark, and cold, and his only comfort is the coat on his back that’s just barely warm enough to remind him of Hunith’s embrace. Every once in a while he’ll try to hum out a melody and tries to imagine Hunith’s bell-like laugh as she teases him for his foolishness, tries to imagine the sway of her hips as she pretends not to enjoy his music. But it’s just not the same.

As time passes, he begins to forget the sound of her voice, and the feel of her hair, and the warmth of her skin against his own. And with every fading memory, Balinor is left that much colder.

Thanks for the ask!

#merlin #bbc merlin #merlin bbc #bbcm #ask #fish post

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scretladyspider · 5 years ago

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Do you have any tips on how to stop dissociating? It's gotten to the point that for every two days, I lose roughly twelve hours of time. It's kind of driving me insane? I'm always in a state of dissociation nowadays and no matter what I do, it constantly bites me in the butt. Also how are you? I hope you're doing well!

Stopping it altogether isn’t something I’m particularly good at. But I’ll tell you what’s helping me right now. I am far from perfect at these things. They take continued practice and effort, and they aren’t easy. But they help a little. And that adds up, I think.

Be gentle with yourself.

I think that’s most important, and probably most difficult. We’re going through something unprecedented in our lives. Reading about things like a plague and living through it are totally different things.

With everything on standstill, our brains don’t really know what to do. Dissociating isn’t an uncommon reaction to extreme stress or trauma; you are not alone in experiencing it, or in it getting worse.

So the real question then is how do you be gentle with yourself in a way that helps you with dissociation?

Figure out your limits and stick within them.

This is different for everyone. For me, it meant muting everything related to COVID that I can on Twitter and only watching the news at the end of the day. Why? Because if I watch it at the beginning of the day, my brain just zaps out and I’m stuck in a dissociated, executive dysfunction depression fog that just lasts for hours. It can go on for the whole day.

Once I started muting things that I do care about but just can’t read an excessive amount about without shutting down. This is a limit within my self-care I have to stick within. It’s one of many, and they are personal to me - just as yours would be personal to you.

It means you need to figure out what sets things off - if anything in particular does. You might be surprised by what you find. If you notice something is bothering you, write it down. Take note. Try and distance yourself from it, if you can, at least a little.

Find ways to connect with people.

A virtual connection is still a connection. It isn’t quite the same, but it is something.

Virtual movie nights are good. You can call someone, or get a chat going, where you hit play at the same time on Netflix or Hulu. There’s a chrome extension called Netflix Party where you can screen share and watch a movie with a party. There’s a YouTuber who does a video series called “Bad Movies and a Beat” who posts a link to her Netflix parties when she watches bad movies. She puts on makeup while reacting to or doing commentary on a bad movie. It’s pretty funny - here’s a link to her playlist.

The best ways to connect are going to be more than typing or sending videos. Those are good, but, it’s good also to find people to call and video chat live with. Something where you’re interacting with that person in real-time. Zoom and Skype can be good platforms for this (though if you’re on Zoom I’d recommend using a VPN, and their privacy policies are a bit sketch).

Do you have a pet? If not, can you adopt? I have two cats and they greatly help me stay connected. I don’t necessarily speak to a person every day, but I can talk to my cats, and that does help. A person’s bond with their pet can be very special, and shelters are still looking to give pets new homes, even in these times.

Find good distractions.

What is something you enjoy laughing at? What is a TV show or YouTube channel you find funny? Laughter, even if you aren’t laughing out loud, can help. Dissociation feeds on the attention we give it. While it can be vital to talk about it, it is also essential to make sure it doesn’t take over your entire day, if you can help it. It can still be going on without it taking over every thought. This takes practice. I was getting better at it before everything happened, but, well... I feel like I’m starting over.

This brings me to my next thing - resources for dissociation help.

Swarmy G, or A Coach Called Life - A YouTuber and DPRD expert who has recovered himself. What I like about Swarmy’s videos is he doesn’t talk down to you for experiencing it, or say that it’s just anxiety - he understands that dissociation and anxiety are linked, but are not the same thing. He also sends out emails about different things that dissociation can cause struggles with and advice on how to handle it. I’ve found his stuff very helpful.

DP Diaries - A YouTuber in the U.K. who has DPRD himself and vlogs about what works for him, what doesn’t, and his experiences. It helps me feel less alone. His most recent vlog is about dealing with DPRD during the pandemic.

Here is a vlog about what helped on YouTuber when she was struggling with severe depersonalization.

There are a lot more on YouTube out there, but those are some starters.

If you can, it may be good to look into online or remote counseling. There are some therapists doing virtual counseling right now and there are also services like BetterHelp (though I do not have personal experience with them, I hear they aren’t bad).

I hope this helps, at least a little. I don’t know when things will be okay again. We’re going to have to take some deep breaths and practice patience and safe social distancing. One thing I do know is you aren’t at all alone in experiencing this. I hope you’re okay, and that this helps at least a little.

#answers #dissociation #depersonalization #derealization #I hope it helps

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seriousbusinessforhumans · 4 years ago

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April, 2021

It’s now been five and a half years since a long-gone Seattle mayor declared the thousands sleeping in the greenbelts and under bridges to be a full-on civil emergency — a proclamation that remains in effect, but which, due to political dysfunction, has never led to urgent action or results. So it’d be understandable if you do an eye roll when I say this: Something just shifted.

“I believe this is a breakthrough,” says Lisa Daugaard, executive director of the Public Defender Association in Seattle.

“This is a tipping point for the city,” agreed Tim Ceis, a business lobbyist who is usually on the opposite side from Daugaard. “We’ve been fighting about this for 10 years. We’re not fighting about it anymore.”

What happened is a coalition of downtown business leaders and nonprofit representatives this past week introduced a plan that would effectively force the city of Seattle to finally treat homelessness as an emergency.

It’s a citywide ballot measure, purposely crafted away from City Hall and any politicians, that would do three basic things:

It would force Seattle to stand up 2,000 emergency or permanent housing units for homeless people in a year’s time.

It mandates that Seattle help pay for behavioral health and drug treatment services to go along with the housing.

And, most controversially, it requires that, as the shelter becomes available, “the City shall ensure that City parks, playgrounds, sports fields, public spaces and sidewalks and streets remain open and clear of encampments.”

“The premise is that the services and housing units defined have to be available, and once they are, you can clear an encampment,” said Tim Burgess, a former Seattle City Council member.

What’s remarkable here isn’t that some Seattleites agreed on a plan to both shelter homeless people and start clearing the city’s parks (although that is remarkable!). It’s that it is the same groups, and many of the same people, who spent years warring over encampment sweeps, over the city’s Navigation Team and over the failed head tax on businesses that was supposed to fund some homeless housing three years ago.

Business groups, led by the Downtown Seattle Association, are on board and have already raised $520,000 for the campaign. So are neighborhood groups that have always pushed for more city control of unauthorized encampments. But so, too, are major homelessness services advocates like the Downtown Emergency Service Center, Plymouth Housing and the Chief Seattle Club.

Daugaard says the coronavirus pandemic blew apart the stagnant politics on the issue. It turned a simmering crisis into “a catastrophe,” she says, with tents in the city up 50%. It also caused a “sea change” in people’s perceptions of what constitutes legitimate shelter.

Basically the old mats-on-the-floor model is out, as are any barracks-style shelters. In are repurposed hotel rooms and tiny houses — places that give privacy and a locked door, and don’t crowd homeless people into group settings. Stand-alone shelter became a necessity during COVID-19 due to disease control, and the units were also found to be more effective at lifting people up off the streets.

They also tend to make police-led “sweeps” of encampments less necessary, because people living outside want to go to a tiny home or a hotel room. This is the crusade I’ve been on since I saw tiny home enthusiasts “clear” a park in the New Holly neighborhood last fall, not by forcing the people camped there to leave, but by showing them photos of the homes. No police required.

The same premise is working with a new program called JustCare. It offers hotel rooms and counseling services to chronically homeless people, and has had success moving 130 of them up and out of some Pioneer Square-area camps.

“COVID imposed on us a sort of instant reform,” says Daugaard, who works with JustCare. “Business people have been coming up to me and saying ‘hey, that thing you’re doing with the hotel rooms, can we please do more of that?’ ”

The long-term answer is still permanent housing, which unfortunately can take years to build. The idea is that hotel rooms and tiny homes can be a bridge between the streets and permanent housing.

All of this is costly — providing 2,000 emergency shelter units in hotels or tiny home villages, with management and services, will run $50 million to $100 million annually. The initiative, fashioned as an amendment of the city’s charter, includes no money with it. It mandates that the city spend at least 12% of its general fund budget on the issue (that’s roughly $200 million).

For context, that’s about the amount of money the feds are sending Seattle in COVID-19 relief aid. And it’s also the amount forecast to be raised by the city’s controversial payroll tax on large businesses (the so-called JumpStart tax).

That tax is being challenged in court by Seattle business groups, but it seems to me this business-backed initiative undercuts that challenge. You can’t very well demand a costly government mandate with one hand, while undermining the revenue stream that could pay for it with the other.

“My sense is they now care more about the bad street conditions than they do about that tax,” Daugaard said of the business coalition.

We’ll see. The breakthrough here is political only. The initiative, called Compassion Seattle, still has to qualify for the ballot and then go before city voters. If approved, then it would have to be put into effect by a city government that has struggled mightily with this issue — and is being implicitly rebuked for its failures by this measure.

It also may be opposed by some who don’t trust the forces behind this — namely, big business — and fear it could lead to mass encampment removals, without the promised housing. So the path, as always, is fraught.

But like I said up top, something definitely just shifted. For Seattle’s most stuck problem, that alone counts as major news.

#2021 #seattle #seattle housing #homeless encampment #Public Defender Association #Tim Burgess #drug treatment #housing and homelessness #Downtown Seattle Association #DESC #Plymouth Housing #Chief Seattle Club #covid social change #tiny homes #JustCare #JumpStart tax #Compassion Seattle #homeless encampment sweeps

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a-student-out-of-time · 5 years ago

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How much did you tell Chiaki? Did you tell her about class 77-B's fate, the future foundation, or the killing school life?

So...what exactly is the Tragedy? What happens at Hope’s Peak?

You might wanna sit down for this one.

_______________________________________________________

“A lot of things happened leading up to it, one of them being the deaths of Natsumi and Honami. From there, a lot of the wrong people ended up in the wrong places at the wrong times.”

“That includes me. That project the Steering Committee tried to get me to agree to? It would’ve turned me into what they thought would be the Ultimate Hope for mankind, dumping every talent imaginable into my head. Instead, it turned me into a man with everything human removed: emotions, thoughts, feelings, hobbies, and memories. All that was left was Kamukura Izuru.”

“But that’s not the worst part.”

“The one behind this whole thing? The one who took advantage of all this chaos? She’ll be a member of Class 78 next year.”

“Enoshima Junko, the Ultimate Despair.”

Chiaki: Ultimate Despair?

“She might seem like this friendly, charismatic fashion icon, but she’s really a lunatic who gets off on causing pain and misery, even to herself. She’s chronically bored and starts chaos just to make her life interesting. That’s why she decided to end the world.”

Chiaki: She was bored? That’s...that’s it?

“She also wanted to show the world how despair is this all-consuming, chaotic force that...I don’t know. I can still barely understand what her motives are, if she has any. What matters is, she starts the whole thing with help from her sister, Ikusaba Mukuro.”

Chiaki: Just the two of them?

“Well...no. They had help. They got the secrets about what was happening behind the scenes at the school out to the public, which started a huge demonstration from the Reserve Course. They went around secretly killing people, and also...found some allies.”

Chiaki: Who...?

“Us.”

“She brainwashed us, twisted us, made us into her personal cult utterly devoted to her and her beliefs. Causing despair, chaos, death, destruction, and every crime you can possibly imagine. We did it all to our friends, our families, even to ourselves. Thanks to us, the Tragedy wasn’t just contained to Hope’s Peak.”

“It spread outside the school’s walls, turning into a huge societal phenomenon, with people everywhere protesting against the wealthy and talented. It spread across the media, the internet, everything. All people across all races and all cultures were affected. Soon, it degenerated into a massive orgy of violence and anarchy. Terrorism, coups, and wars were happening all the time just for the sake of causing despair.”

“But even Enoshima felt it wasn’t enough.”

Chiaki: What do you mean?

“She went after her classmates next.”

“See, the rest of Class 78 survived by turning the Hope’s Peak main building into a shelter. They were supposed to be safe there, but the Despair Sisters were already there. After stealing everyone’s memories through advanced neuroscience and broadcasting the whole thing on international TV, they started the Killing Game. That was their plan to crush any hope left in the world by showing the Ultimates killing each-other.”

“But they managed to turn things on their head. A lot of them died, but the last six managed to beat her and Enoshima was executed. Seeing her die and the six of them escape revitalized a lot of hope in the world, but we were still out there, causing despair in her name.”

“That’s when a new organization showed up, made up of former Hope’s Peak staff, alumni, and the six survivors. They called themselves Future Foundation. Their goal was to stop the Tragedy and rebuild society. And after two years, they made their biggest step forward by capturing us. And the plan was to execute us, to finally put a stop to things.”

Chaiki: What?! What...what happened?

“Naegi, one of the survivors, decided we should have a second chance. So he and two of the others, Kirigiri and Togami, took us from Foundation custody and brought us to the old Jabberwock island resort. That’s where they set up the Neo World Program.”

“It was a virtual reality therapy system that was designed to erase our memories of our time at Hope‘s Peak. The idea was that, with those gone and replaced with pleasant ones from our time in the simulation- on a fake Jabberwock- maybe we‘d go back to our old selves. And it kinda worked.”

Chiaki: Kinda?

“Turns out our plan was to get captured. Izuru had an AI copy of Enoshima’s personality that he secretly uploaded into the program. And with that, rather than a therapy simulation, we were caught up in a Killing Game of our own.”

“We had no memory of what happened, just finding ourselves caught up in this mess. This game, though, was meant to be our final attempt at bringing her back. See, whoever died in the simulation would fall comatose in the real world. The system that was supposed to upload our minds back into our bodies was hijacked so the AI could instead upload itself into all their bodies.”

“By the end, only five of us were left. We could either upload ourselves into our own bodies and allow her to escape, stay in the simulation forever, or hit the shutdown button and go back to being Ultimate Despair with no idea what happened.”

Chiaki: That’s...a lot. What did you choose?

“I almost gave up. I couldn’t make a decision. But...you convinced me to.”

“You...you came to me, and gave me the motivation I needed to take a chance, to make my own future and not play by Enoshima’s game. It was a gamble, but it paid off. We hit the shutdown command and we ended up escaping the simulation with our memories from both lives intact. I was mostly myself, but Izuru was still living in my brain.”

Chiaki: What about everyone who died?

“All still comatose. We got to work trying to get you all back. Unfortunately, things weren’t over just yet.”

“Naegi was dragged to Future Foundation’s headquarters, where he was put on trial for treason. The heads from all Foundation branches were called in, and that’s when someone set off a trap. They were all pulled into a Final Killing Game.”

Chiaki: Another one? Was there a despair hiding there too?

“Yes...but they weren’t responsible.”

Chiaki:Who was then? Why another one?

“Director Tengan Kazuo. He set it up as a way to weed our dissent among the Foundation leaders. He’d gotten so sick and tired of their infighting and had lost hope that the Tragedy would ever end. So he decided the best choice was to kill off the worst elements and force the world into a new state of peace. That meant introducing a Hope Brainwashing Video to the world courtesy of Mitarai.”

Chiaki: Mitarai? He wasn’t a despair?

“Well...okay, long story short, the Mitarai in your class isn’t the same person. They’re the Ultimate Imposter, and a damn good friend. The real Mitarai was hiding away from everything and had joined up with the Foundation, but he‘d also lost hope that things could change.”

Chiaki: What happened then? Did he...?

“Nope. We got there in time. Things might’ve been bad over there, but we got everyone out of their comas, all back to normal, and managed to get on a boat and set off for their HQ. He’d brainwashed most of the people there, but we got through them without killing anybody and convinced Mitarai to stand down.”

“But we also to tell the world it was our fault. That we were the ones behind the events at Foundation HQ. And after that, we went into exile back at Jabberwock.”

Chiaki: Why though? We were all normal again, right?

“Yeah, but nobody else knew that. And we were the last big factor in everything. If the world thought we were out there and attacked Future Foundation, rather than their leaders being so dysfunctional that they killed each-other, it would get the rest of the organization and people out there to rally behind together. The world needed them. It needed to rebuild.”

“And thanks to Naegi and his friends, it did. And we all decided we‘d spend the rest of our lives together on those islands, living our lives how we‘d want to from now on.”

“Six months later, I laid down one day and woke up back in April 2012.”

_________________________________________________

And the rest is part of a new history.

#Anonymous #danganronpa #sdr2 #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa 3 #danganronpa thh #Hajime Hinata #Chiaki Nanami #a student out of time #DR

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