#won’t even talk to or acknowledge me
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#last nights dream hurt too much to wake up from#she wanted me back and even re-proposed with a new ring#said she tried to date other people but it never felt right#never felt like when we’re together#i of course accepted the proposal and welcomed her back w open arms#said i felt the same way#even got into explaining to her that i’d blocked her tumblr (i did irl) and (irl) why i had#i looked up her account and saw one post about being ready to get out and meet new queer girls#the wording didn’t seem like her tho and i’m sure it’s partly to do w her friend#my ex-friend who lost her shit on me#in dream love agreed and said that friend had really overreacted#she and i got back together and our cats reunited so joyfully (my one her two kitties)#hell i even miss her crazy rediculous family#i felt whole again#i could hold and kiss her again#could feel her love again and give her my love#waking up feels so cruel but i also can’t help but hope for these dreams#infinitely better than the ones where she still doesn’t want anything to do with me#won’t even talk to or acknowledge me#as one of her fav shows says#sometimes life’s a bitch and you have to keep living#or something like that it’s from Bojack Horseman idk
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Genuinely a random guy .. or even like Hanna’s fiancé in the time jump.. could be eating Hanna out in front of Caleb and it would not elicit the reaction Mona standing fully clothed in Hanna’s kitchen gets from him… her power <3.
#it simultaneously makes me respect him more and less for different reasons. more because it shows he’s not stupid + I especially like that#with guys like Lucas he’s dismissive and Knows they’re not a threat/not worth it and also won’t insult Hanna by thinking they would be#but Mona is like. actually worth more of that respect in a way. but then on the other hand I frequently can’t stand how he talks to and#about Mona sometimes and I do think he’s always has contempt for certain parts of her that are more similar to Hanna than he wants to#acknowledge which is :/#their dynamic is honestly pretty interesting there was even a fic I kind of wanted to write about Mona & Caleb but I don’t feel like I have#enough interest in Caleb individually to like fully do it justice#s speaks#pll#vandermarin#mona vanderwaal#hanna marin#caleb rivers
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I can fix him*
*bad writing, underutilized gameplay mechanics, characters with unfulfilled potential, funded by bootlickers
#ra speaks#personal#sorry I made dr phone calls and have like. ten minutes til I gotta get ready for first class of the semester. let me have this.#I think I should get every COD game ever for free. it’s MY tax dollars at work after all (actually anything produced w us military funding#should be free I think I can trap even my bootlicker tax hating dad into getting onboard w this one)#anyways. ghosts was…decent. but jfc if you give me a silent protag I expect SOME self awareness in the writing.#why are characters calling to him on comms when they know he won’t respond? why doesn’t he have an AAC device or something more futuristic?#I’m just saying if you explicitly limit a character you need to respect those limits in te writing. it’s not that hard.#like non of the characters even acknowledge that Logan never talks. esp weird when he first meets the ghosts#also. obv not a big fan of ‘all of South America has United into evil space terrorists’ but it was 2013 so ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯#wish we got to see some SDC civis y’know? get a bear on the average attitudes abt the whole. invading the US thing.#(jfc do not get me started on The Wall like this is a 2016 trump voter’s power fantasy)#also Riley was such an interesting mechanic why couldn’t they have at least substituted him w drones or something on the other missions??#you get him for like. two missions. and then he gets shot and you have to protect him (gosh I actually loved that section)#just. it was clear Logan was The Dog Guy with an aptitude for tech. honestly Hesh felt more like the MC than Logan.#and while Logan doesn’t have a ton of personality we can glean as a result of non speaking + ZERO communication at all ever#seriously he doesn’t even like. wave or give thumbs up to people wtf dude do ppl just assume he’s psychic or something???#I do LOVE the few scenes we get with him acting outside of player control/where he actually has agency (Elias’ death. the final cutscene)#and like it’s not much but it’s enough that I WANT to see what happens next#but alas. a decade old game without a true sequel (I think??? haven’t actually looked into it.)#my brother is making fun of me for being a COD gamer now like boy. I have no defense pls be nice to me T-T
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okay nonbinary character in Orv alert. slay
#Pretty fun that they’re having a jealousy moment over dokja rn#(I know junghyeok said he wasn’t specifically talking abt dokja but I assume he said that to keep nirvana from attacking dokja.)#Demonic judge of fire and secretive plotter are goofy lmao#Junghyeok: IM NOT INTERESTED IN MEN#Constellation demonic judge of fire is coughing up blood! You have been gifted 2000 coins!#<- killed me. Demonic judge of fire I love you pookie#….of course when I look at nirvana’s wiki they’re misgendered. -_-#Though I guess the vibe is tht bc they reincarnate so much gender is irrelevant to them? Which. that’s a vibe.#but also would it mean tht they don’t rlly care abt pronouns as long as u acknowledge that fact?#Idk I’m just pre-emptively headcanoning in case they turn out to be shitty rep#OHHHH NO JUNGHYEOK TRAUMA MOMENT. LOOKIT HIS SAD FACE D:#Sidenote I do adore how much the power scaling in this is just like kids in a playground one upping each other#And that guy from the small world was such an overpowered oc even though we already have a parody of an overpowered oc (junghyeok) hdgjfjv#‘Could they have invested everything into speed & psychic skills instead of physical skills?’ OMG#KICK THEIR ASS DOKJA#I love glass canons. Surely they’ll never break#‘Ur hot so I won’t kill you’ nirvana if only you were a protag….. YOU ARE SO CUNTY#Kim dokja dissociating even harder to defeat literal nirvana. Good for him#going post#orv
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tw abuse in the tags
#my dad decided that he was going to share his posts on threads where he trauma dumped shit with me and my sister#and it pisses me off so much that he can talk about all the trauma he’s gone through#and all the shitty things he’s gone through#and literally anything and everything that’s happened to him#but won’t acknowledge that he abused me my mom and my sister growing up#i got the worst of it all bc ofc i fucking did my sister was his favorite and i knew from a young age that she was#still is tbh#i’ve only been back in contact with my dad for a little over 5 years and since then there have been 3 separate occasions#where he’s acknowledged what he’s done to me and how it’s affected our relationship#the last one being last year where he actually apologized#but the first was in 2019 when we first started talking again and then again in 2021#and then last year in 2023#and i can’t talk about the shit he put me through bc he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it#and it pisses me tf off that he can do literally anything else to better himself#but the minute i want to even throw a passing fancy towards our past he freezes#and i feel like i have to change the subject bc lol dad’s uncomfortable!#i’ll admit i don’t talk about the shit he put me through willingly to anyone not even my therapist#but how the fuck are you going to sit there and trauma dump to the person YOU traumatized? and won’t talk about the trauma with?#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it
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It’s crazy how much my school stumbles over itself to take the centrist position to everything but stays just clear of taking a side and making it clear they’re in support of their minority students 🙄🙄
#.txt#just got an email about ‘disagreeing better’ some stupid ‘political depolarization’ program#like shut the fuck up why are you going sooooo out of your way to make sure that your shitty conservative students don’t feel bad#oh no don’t be mad at people for holding shitty regressive beliefs that directly impact your life in a negative way if followed through :(((#that makes them feel bad :( and their feelings of security and validity are more important to use than the safety of the people they seek#to harass and target#pisses me off the school doesn’t hang any pride flags anywhere but makes everyone individually choose to#the implication of a ‘safe space’ is that not everywhere is safe#and it’s up to individual professors to choose whether or not they want to make their office a safe space#so you’ll make all of your profs read off a ‘land acknowledgment’ and put it in their syllabus#recognizing that the school is a colonist organization that was engaged in native boarding school efforts#but you won’t make the profs read out any kind of inclusivity statement?#your discrimination policy should be the absolute bare minimum not the only safeguard in place to keep students from being harassed#you can tell they just want to go full conservative but they’re obligated to be progressive because of the administration#there’s absolutely tension within the school about the direction we swag politically#and tbh i don’t know where it comes from but it manifests as this incredibly terse tone#where the school seems petrified to say anything even remotely partisan#they talk like a fucking senator and not a campus administration
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WORK NIGHTMARE INCREASED
NIGHTMARE! NIGHTMARE!
One of my much older cousins works at my job now?? Has been there for months?? Works in the building right next to mine but I never saw her till today??
anyway. I don’t know who told her or HOW she even knows this but she was like “So you’re like gay right? Or is it something else?” We. Are in public. My coworker walked by just a few minutes later. SHE COULD HAVE HEARD THAT. HELLO? SELF AWARENESS? HELLO??
HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT. I NEVER TALK ABOUT IT. I don’t think it’s obvious either. If it was obvious I think women would be more friendly with me
I did not know what to do man I just kinda nervously laughed and told her I don’t like to talk about it and then she’s like “I’m open minded” Yeah ok. Anyway I just was like “we can talk about that some other time” because wtf
She asked so many questions. Interrogated me.
Now she knows that’s where I walk through and there’s no other way for me to go to avoid her.
#I was trying to walk past her so fast but she recognized me anyways fuck my life man#how do I put this nicely. uh. the family. does not like her#in fact we used to rent an apartment she owned and she kicked us out to charge someone else more :#she delayed me getting home by 30 mins. by not shutting tf up#my panic is less about random people hearing it#but now I’m like. oh god my coworker walked past us. who knows what she heard#I live in trump territory bro. people already don’t like me. I don’t need your loud mouth saying stuff like that#it had to have been my mom. my dad would not talk to this lady she’s not even related#but my mom doesn’t like her either so?? how the fuck.#or maybe my mom is talking shit with someone else and then they told her#cause the gay part is like. ok well anyone in the family would maybe realize hey you’ve never had a girlfriend lol#but the ‘or is it something else’ Ok Where Did you get that from#cause that part my mom won’t even acknowledge#SCARY. SCARY.
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god. this is so fucking fucked up.
#i purposefully wasn’t telling my grandparents about my mental health issues#because they don’t understand they just don’t#and then my mom just informed me she went ahead and told them everything. without asking me first.#cool cool very cool#and now i’m upset she did that#and she can’t even say sorry. she won’t even acknowledge she’s in the wrong for doing that#and part of the reason i haven’t killed myself yet#is because if i failed i didn’t want to have to explain it to my grandparents#but now i literally have nothing to lose#and i wont be able to face them again because they’re going to hammer me about it and i dont. want. to talk about it.#this is just great#i literally cannot catch a break#it’s just one fucked up thing after another#no one to talk to no one to trust no future to hope for no reason to live#i have fucking nothing. i can’t do this. i can’t#why is this happening to me i don’t understand#snow.txt
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#sometimes it really hurts more that they’re well intentioned#and love me and want me to be part of the family still#than if they didn’t try to keep me included at all#like just. it just is rough that they’ll never acknowledge I’m living with a partner and committed#and have been in the relationship for years#they want me to come be a part of things and they want me to be happy and#they send a congrats on your new home card but don’t mention her. they include me in a family vacation jigsaw puzzle but not her even though#i told them I won’t lie to the kids and that she and I are a package deal for family parties and things if we do come into town for them#I can’t stop trying because I’ve seen them be so diffferent with the grandkids than to me on some things#and I’ve seen some of them treating me pretty normal despite everything about their beliefs#but I just#don’t know how many years it’ll take for me to learn to navigate this weird zone#I can’t talk to friends because they don’t understand how good and genuine my family is and only know the parts that hurt me in the past yrs#and I can’t talk to family because they get how good my family is at the heart of things but can’t understand the bad parts enough to#get how half of me wished I could never have to remember any of the good because it’s hard to protect myself if I do#but the line between black and white has to be walked#even if ONLY for my own sake because I have to un train black and white thinking from every area of my worldview#but anyway#it’s just hard. nothing particularly to be done about it. I just need to say it’s hard sometimes#it doesn’t seem to hurt less each time#it’s the same#but I think I’m getting better at not letting it affect my actual daily experience for as long now#idk#it’s hard. it will be for a long time. it’s worth trying anyway.#I know we’re double nope in that we’re queer and we’re not even civil married much less sacramentally married#so we’re in like five separate levels of mortal sin yadda yadda#but I tell you x hurts and you do x again and it sucks. I see you improving in other ways so I have hope but GOD it sucks right now. fuck#shh katie#personal
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love when my mom is upset about something not involving me and starts just ignoring me
#like won’t even look at me let alone say a word#she’s said literally 2 words to me since she’s been home for lunch and that was just to say ‘i’m fine’ when i asked if she was okay#logically i know she’s probably shutting down because she doesn’t want to say anything when she’s in a bad mood that she could regret#i also just hate being lied to. i’d rather her say ‘no i’m not okay but i don’t feel like talking’ than just lying and ignoring me#but it really makes me feel like those babies in the attachment study screaming and crying because my mom won’t acknowledge me#ko.txt
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It continues to trip me up how much human brains are just weird organic computers
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#additionally wild that the easiest ways for me to explain brain stuff are generally in computer or video game terms despite the fact I’m#notoriously awful with computers (and to a lesser extent video games) although I won’t if my natural inclination would be different if I#didn’t have trauma related to computers/if maybe it’s the classic adhd interest based learning difference? unknown tbh#I still really wanna go to school to study people but academics is fucked as hell so making that work will be a personal hell for me#but also I have so many theories and data I can’t do anything super tangible with coz I’m not in an academic setting so even if i wanted to#talk about stuff and work on it no one would take me seriously w/o that academic background no matter how much effort I’d put in learning it#on my own for my entire life at this point it won’t matter if it’s not on some level acknowledged by an academic system I despise tbh#it’s one of those things that makes me miss my dad coz we used to commiserate together about these sorts of things tho he made it work far#better than I have been able to. i wish i could ask him science questions again.#anyway human brains are so fascinating but also I really wish I was better at explaining myself analysis of people I feel like I’m good#enough at this point to be like partway understood coz I’ve done so much practice on my own coz I tend to rehearse explanations ahead of tim#but its still often misunderstood or misconstrued & it’s understandable a lot of the time coz like most other people aren’t spending a ton#of their free time thinking about and researching how people work/analyzing those around them+themselves vs me whose been doing since like#I dont remember the exact time but I do remember being really young & making the conscious decision to study & analyze my family for example#so that I could be helpful & translate their words to each other better + ppl often don’t see things about themselves that others do#also forever thinking about the human brain/experience in relation to the sims & video game commands lmao#currently trying to explain save states in the human brain to ppl but no one knows wtf I’m talking about#& researching academic terms that are close to what I want doesn’t necessarily work if there’s no academic term for what I’m talking about#hence wanting to do the research myself coz sometimes it feels like there’s all this stuff that’s obvious to me but no one else?? from what#I’ve seen in recent studies they are only starting to scratch the surface of stuff I’ve already known sometimes? other stuff is older & it’s#VERY gratifying when it’s stuff I’ve known but not been listened to about & it actually gets the proper recognition#though getting ppl to actually listen/take what I say seriously is its own journey & I have to be careful myself bc I’m human so my own#understanding/data is constantly updating + I have storage issues so finding the data I have in my brain is its own struggle sometimes#every version of me is interested in people & I think that’s neat even if other people don’t understand that concept#sometimes I feel like an alien/robot whose sole task is just to study & support humanity & it’s very weird tbh
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crying in the bathroom again. I’m so sick of this shit
#digi rants#/ negative#I HATE IT HERE I’M SORRY#nobody gives a shit about me and all I do is work and work#and like I can’t afford to fit myself into my own damn budget bc I have to pay for OTHERS#I’m just working for the sake of other people all the time and nobody even so much as thanks me#every day I have to do a million fucking things and they won’t even like#respond to me when I talk. it’s like I’m invisible#and I’m only worth keeping around because I’ll shut up and do things quietly#I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for anything at all#I’D LIKE TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED?#LIKE THAT’S LITERALLY IT?#I’D LIKE FOR PEOPLE TO RESPOND WHEN I ASK A QUESTION#AND NOT JUST IGNORE ME?#I say something and it’s just complete silence#like do I not fucking exist?#they wont even ask me to do things they’ll just expect it#he’ll literally just stand at the door on his phone and expect me to know exactly what to do#I am talking to blank fucking walls.#I’m sorry but if I ceased to exist would you even care#like you don’t even give a shit when I’m dedicating my entire life atm to making life easy for you#I’m so convenient I’m invisible JFC what more do you WANT#I CANNOT GET ANY MORE INVISIBLE I’M SORRY YOU HATE ME#I’m grasping at straws. literally a ‘good morning’ would be shocking to me#that’s how invisible I am
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Is one of the characters literally just called waitress and nothing else what is going on 😭
it’s a running joke that no one ever remembers her (even tho she’s the only minor character that has appeared in every season) so they call her the waitress
as the audience, we don’t know her name either, but there was a hint in mac bangs the waitress where she and mac are searching for her sex tape thru dennis’s alphabetized collection, and she tells mac that he’s not going to find her name towards the end (he finds it under W for “waitress”). also in dee sinks in a bog, there are a few names dee throws out that the waitress denies, so we can cross some off the list
it’s a somewhat popular hc that her name is mary bc the actress is mary elizabeth ellis (married to charlie day whose character is also named after him), but i personally like to think her name is charlotte! just bc there is only One chardee in my mind, and it’s not the one with charlie (plus, she just Looks like a charlotte, doesn’t she?)
#the whole thing with her name is so interesting to me bc of how she struggles sm to find an identity in a world that won’t acknowledge it#not to mention how she went to the same highschool as everyone else and ppl still don’t remember her name or sometimes even who she is#(do you see how trans-coded she is. to me.)#always sunny#danswers#thanks for the ask! i miss talking abt sunny
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I had a really great time going out to dinner with my mom and nana tonight at a nice restaurant but nana believes in conspiracy theories and my mom and I have to keep debunking the bs sources she pulls out in a joking way to keep her from getting too defensive about how we don’t agree and I’m so tired. God fucking help me.
And then they’re like. Both loudly and condescendingly agreed about the whole “men and women can’t be friends” thing and that men and women have completely different brains/ in general most men are waiting to fuck you instead of genuinely caring about you as a person (and they did that FUCKING CONDESCENDING exaggerated laugh w/ eachother over it. I know most men have misogyny and treat women badly. And that they talk about us differently behind our backs. No fucking shit. But it’s not everyone, and believing so stringently that it’s impossible to have a true genuine friendship without either wanting to fuck eachother annoys and hurts me. How can we ever move forward to a less misogynistic world if we ourselves refuse to build real friendships with the opposite sex regardless of gender.) and frankly that kicked the Gender Issues bruise in my heart and I just Was Not Having It at the end of the night
#still a great dinner and I’m almost cooled off from how annoyed I was and I was very fucking patient about it#but GOD DAMNNNNN IIIITTTTTT AAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH#my patience was unusually thin tonight because they both kept bulldozing over any attempt to talk I made#and they’re both LOUD#because my nana won’t STOP TALKING TO LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK#and she yells because she can’t fucking hear but refuses to acknowledge it and when someone yells it makes me aggressive#and she INSISTS that we’re BRAINWASHED because we DISAGREE WITH HER#this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to using my tumblr like a diary I’m that fucking close to my limit#I still have to wrap the presents and pack#but I really really need to decompress#and I fucking hate that they’re both like. staunch believers in gene essentialist bullshit to cope with the shitty men in their lives#because like. that perspective that men and women are totally different animals just.#always brings up the memories of every debunked sexist claim about women and men I’ve worked so hard to un-internalize for my own sanity#and self confidence#I’m a cos woman I don’t even have the added pain of questions/transition but it’s still excruciating when that hornets nest is kicked#because it makes me think like. if they’re right and men and women have completely different brains (not just some differences)#does that make every nasty cruel misogynist claim about women- and thus me as a person- true?#are all my male friends really just. not actually my friends then#it’s just our biology motivating us to keep our options open#might just kill myself if we truly are nothing but a set a of steps towards fucking (which we aren’t btw. if we were we’d be more like#cicadas#or those moths with no mouth.#and we sure as hell wouldn’t live so long beyond our reproductive years. we are built for survival#not just reproduction)
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(this is petty and unreasonable of me but also it’s real feelings so whatever) gosh I just love the cycle of antisemitic thing happens ➡️ all my goy friends put one (1) thing on their Instagram story about and don’t mention it ever again or ask me if I’m okay ➡️ the post they shared is from some Zionist org that thinks Palestinians don’t have the right to organize and advocate for themselves and call out Israel etc etc or whatever ➡️ I get angry but don’t say anything because I’m always the angry anti-Zionist and also the angry Jew and I don’t want them to feel like they’re never going to be good enough for me ➡️ repeat
#mercy.txt#it’s like I don’t know how to approach anyone about this#I’m too nice and they don’t listen or take it seriously#or I’m too mean (translation: I’m firm and honest) and it feels like they resent me for scolding them#meanwhile I see all these mediocre takes about Zionism every day and it annoys me#as Jews we do not get to absolve ourselves from our involvement with Zionism just because it’s uncomfortable#like. it’s not up to you to finish the job but neither are you free to withdraw from it. you get what I mean?#this isn’t fully our mess but that doesn’t mean we get to ignore it & never talk about it#I know so many Jews who say they agree with me but won’t actually stand up and say that Loudly.#I know that conflating Judaism with Zionism is a massive problem but it’s like this:#Judaism ≠ Zionism but as Jews we’re still obligated to call out injustice when we see it#especially when it’s happening in a place that’s meaningful to us & being done by other Jews#like לא תעמוד על דם רעיך#yes it’s inappropriate for people to bring up Israel the second we try to have a conversation about antisemitism#but the solution isn’t to say that we should never have to acknowledge Israel#(all while passively and quietly supporting Israel by not saying anything)#my main takeaway is that you can stand up against antisemitism and Zionism & it’s irresponsible not to#like it doesn’t even have to be an online thing I just want to see other Jews agreeing with me openly#I’ve had a grand total of one (1) Jew stand up with me in a meaningful way#and that was just a conversation outside of synagogue on Rosh Hashanah! it wasn’t hard!#anyways I’ll shut up now
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google search how to get over myself
#taz talks#i am in a Mood today and there really is no solution except passage of time#do you ever feel like nobody gives a shit about you and you know it’s both petty and false but The Brain Juices won’t stfu about it#the last 5-6 times i’ve shared art with my discord friends it’s been more or less ignored#like not even emoji reactions just… nobody acknowledges i did anything#and i am not drawing For them really#but it still bums me out#esp because i’ve had so little motivation and time to draw lately so the doodles are a bigger deal#i’m also a jealous asshole and that’s a whole thing#at the end of the day nobody but me will ever actually read my dnd oc fics#and i have to be okay with that#they don’t owe me the time or energy#it just makes me a little sad#or a lot sad#i have so many stories to write but i’m just screaming to the unanswering void#and the unanswering void has a way of sapping one’s interest
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