#I just wish god could reward me with someone of my own is all
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Truthfully it would be easier if I just isolate myself from everyone simply because after so long of just shoving things down and being told to shove things down and being told to get over it and stop being sensitive I’ve become so much more sensitive after being so unfeeling and it’s ruining everything
Not even having aventurine could fix this 😔🙏 LOLLL
#I cannot go a single day without that stomach drop feeling#for instance when someone says something vaguely allusive to another#when someone says something mean to someone else#when someone casually mentions something#that I have yearned for for so long or just genuinely really really want like it’s nothing and I’m like oh .#and the things I refer to are not material really they’re just some aspect of friendship#most of the time#Eris’ situation forced me to put a lid on me feeling this way so I can be more selfless to the struggles of others#I remember my heart just dropping when I was on the dash late at night and just seeing her talking with this one girl while she was activel#ignoring me and truthfully I got scared of myself for feeling that way because it felt sinful to be upset at something like that#I was so ashamed#but now this is daily#to me being friends doesn’t need such grand gestures I think truly the depth of things is measured the lack of hesitation to do the smalles#things#and truthfully I can do this for as many people as needed but it wouldn’t really be reciprocated#and it’s fine; me doing anything is kinda an act of charity I’m not expecting something back from someone specific#I just wish god could reward me with someone of my own is all#as the days go by I don’t even know how much more I can tolerate before things go awry#permanently#but I just get this feeling I won’t be around to find out what being normal feels like#I know life is unfair and acknowledge that I’m the first to do so#but there is no way it’s this unfair#it’s almost like knocking on a hollow object and you expect to hear some echo or reverberation but even that aspect is empty and soundless#uhhh yeah#so that’s on how I have such embarrassing and bad coping mechanisms#dora daily#because I genuinely do not feel comfort anymore with anything except a few random things and even those are constantly ruined#it’s why I can’t concentrate because I seek out those comfort activities just so I don’t panic but I get comfortable#but it’s too comfortable and doing anything apart from said things makes me panic again so I’m just stuck in a loop
0 notes
Text
Fairy Whispers
🧚♂️ 🧚♀️ soft and comforting hug from fairies 🧚♀️ 🧚♂️
Pile 1 Pile 2
PILE 1
You have so much inner power and strength within you , enough to shake up the world , but you aren't letting yourself use the power , there is a sense of denial in you , it's like you're quiet ignorant towards your own powers , there might be people under estimating you because you are refusing to utilize the power within you , be more confident , put yourself out it the world love , you are so magical and powerful , you deserve the world ,the universe , the heaven , and much more . You have so many people secretly admiring you , their heart fills up with joy when they see you or are with you , they feel seen and heard, so stop feeling lonely or like a chooped out piece, you add depth and love to people's life ,knowingly and unknowingly . You don't need anyone , people need you , you are the embodiment of supreme powers , you are not just another existing being in the jungle , the jungle belongs to you , and you're the king/queen 👑 .
You are very humble about your talent and knowledge , stop it. So many people are feeding upon your lack of showcase of talent , go out in the world and project your talents, we fairies will season it with our magical glitter ! You're so smart that we're in awe ! You're so humble my child , I wish I could give you a hug , I hope people saw the infinity magic that you embody , but hey , superheroes and fairies are just simple people with extraordinary powers and not everybody is meant to see it 😌.
Go out be adventurous , you have zest for life, go out and own it, you have such great leadership qualities that people are jealous ! You were born with it . You might sometimes feel that you get the toughest battles , but guess what , God gives his best children the toughest battles ,because God knows you're IT CHILD of the curb.
There will be turbulences and unpleasant situations in future , but don't worry me and the lord have your back ! Don't cry, dont shy , just be happy and spread joy ! And if anything does go wrong, my glitter will fix it all ♡
Follow and reblog
DM for paid readings :)
************
PILE 2
You're surrounded by loving, supportive energy, and the fairies are here to guide you! 🧚♀️💖 You've recently experienced heartbreak or emotional pain, but don't worry, you're stronger than you think .The fairies advise you to take a step back, assess your situation, and be patient with yourself and others . You're nearing a milestone or accomplishment, and it's essential to trust in your abilities and wisdom .It's the test of times and I bet you shall pass it . The universe is testing how strong you're, so that it could evaluate you and reward you !!
You might often feel stagnant in life and confused, too many options ? Too many thoughts ? No progress? Don't worry , this shall last for a while , it's building you for the future life . You are an empress , the more you trust and nurture yourself ,the more you'll be universe's favourite child ! Celebrate yourself daily , because you're special & shall always be💗
Stay positive and focused on your goals . You may receive an emotional or romantic invitation, or experience a strong intuitive connection with someone .Be mindful of your thoughts and emotions, and practice mental discipline to overcome anxiety and worry . Trust your inner guidance and wisdom, and take time for introspection and self-reflection . You tend to avoid it or lack discipline in your spiritual routine . Whatever you do , do it with 100% dedication .
You might feel like you're lagging compared to others and there might be lots of self doubt and uncertainty, but it only gets better and better with time !
Focus on developing your skills, paying attention to detail, and taking pride in your work .You may receive new opportunities for financial growth and abundance ,but you need to be opem for it ,stop doubting yourself and your rewards . You're on the verge of a new beginning, and the fairies encourage you to approach this journey with trust, and open heart .
Trust your intuition and inner wisdom, and listen to your inner voice . Cultivate mental clarity and focus to navigate your spiritual journey . You're a powerful, magical being, and the fairies are honored to guide you on your path!
Follow and reblog
DM for paid readings:)
202 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hello~ I was wondering if you could do a headcannon for a Crocodile x reader who has worked with him since Alabasta. As of late, after forming Crossguild, he's realizing that he has feelings for her and it pisses him off.
It's good I reread this because I almost starting writing you having feelings and it annoying him. Anyway I know headcanons are usually formatted different and worded different so I just tried to copy what i've seen. Sorry if it's weird, it's my first time. Be gentle 🥺. If i did something wrong just tell me. Also my first ask that isn't me squeee!
Crocodile the love struck (reptile) fool
Crocodile x fem reader. Crocodile isn't happy that this is an x reader because he's a control freak. 821 words.
You’re a hard worker, a competent worker, and a loyal worker. Those are facts, viable facts that could be proven in the fact that you work just as hard now as you do in Alabasta despite having less incentive to; despite having the opportunity to leave him when he was in Impel Down. It’s why he’s so in denial about these unwanted feelings at first, then angry that he has them. Things are already so hectic, he doesn’t need anything else to be out of his control.
• It started with your smile, as cliche as it is, the one you wore even though work can be anything but fun.
• He found it irritating at first, work is something to be taken seriously, but came to appreciate it.
• First because it meant you enjoyed your job well enough, something he likes since it means more loyalty.
• Now that he's formed Cross Guild, it's because it brightens his own day; and to the point where now it’s like some sort of drug.
• One where if he doesn’t get it he gets on edge, making work even duller.
• It’s embarrassing, a fully grown old man like him getting cranky because doesn’t get a smile from a pretty girl he likes. Pathetic.
• It ends up putting him in an even worse mood when he notices it.
• Another thing that annoys him is how much he likes your voice.
• You’ve even started having to repeat things to him because he was too focused on how nice it sounds and feels to hear you talk to him.
• He wouldn’t be surprised if you thought he’d gone senile at this point…
• Thankfully you don’t show it if you do feel that way.
• Something he does wish you’d show is distaste for when any of the other men talk to you.
• He knows it’s mostly good work ethic communicating with them well, it helps now that you’re allied with other people, but sometimes he wishes you’d sneer at Mihawk or scoff at Buggy rudely.
• Show that you dislike talking to them, hate talking to anyone that isn’t him.
• There are the childish thoughts again…
• He’s 46 for gods’ sake, someone who’s killed both with his own hands and from his indirect actions.
• Not some schoolboy getting fussy that his crush is talking to someone else.
• Maybe feelings like “fussy” would be better though, would be safer for you; because they’re not always so childish.
• He wants you all to himself, you’re his anyway.
• You worked with him in Alabasta, waited for him while he was in Impel down, and work with him again in Cross Guild even if the work is more taxing; and less rewarding.
• You stayed with him, so loyal for him, so it makes sense that you’re his
• He wants to shower you with things you’d like, not just to dress his pretty girl up, but to guilt you into staying with him.
• To give him more of an excuse to be protective over you than just having feelings.
• What a terrible thing to think, but he’s never been a morally correct person.
• Either way, it’s not like he could actually do anything to hurt you.
• He’s tried, you can become a serious weakness for him.
• But everytime he tries there’s always an excuse.
• “She’s too useful.” “She’s a good worker.” “l still need her for this.” “It’d be a hassle.” “She makes my work easier.” “I’ll do it once I get my power back.”
• Though those are viable reasons that stop him, they aren’t truly the core reason.
• The reason is because he loves you, and it drives him mad.
• As mad as when you smile for others, or your hands brush together, or you call his name while looking up at him with those pretty eyes he wants looking nowhere else.
• You’re so beautiful, he loves you.
• He wishes that the feelings would just go away with time, with the fatigue he gets from working days straight.
• But they don’t, and they only get stronger.
• Especially when you do things to make even the smallest things easier.
• Making sure his cigar drawer is always full, bringing him water, telling him the time when he loses track of it.
• When he notices you telling him the time while looking sleepy yourself, he almost grabs you to pull you into his lap.
• Hold you, cage you into his arms and give you a kiss with all the emotion he’s been building up.
• But he can’t lose control, so he doesn’t.
• He just sends you off with a “Thanks, get some sleep yourself before you pass out on the job.”
• Once you turn, you can’t see the way his eyes follow you with a warmth he didn’t even know he had.
• And once the door is closed behind you, you don’t see the way he puts his head in his hand with a “Fuck.”
#one piece#crocodile x reader#headcanon#crocodile#crocodile one piece#headcanons#anime only#female reader#he's so kya core#Fluff#Fluff but he's a lil creepy about it#one piece x reader
246 notes
·
View notes
Text
𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐘 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐂 𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒. all these sentences come from a search on goodread's keywords for high fantasy and epic fantasy. please change names, locations and pronouns as you see fit.
“Wouldn’t the joys of life lose all colour, if life was eternal?”
“True siblings are bound together by far more essential things than blood, while more times than many blood isn't thicker than water.”
“I believe with all my heart, that Magnus is a worthy and superior successor to your current king. ”
“Fate was a fairy story and a bullshit one at that; fate could get fucked and go bother someone else.”
“You shouldn’t ask the girl blessed by Death whom she’ll die for. You should ask her whom she’ll kill for.”
“You are what I imagine the sun to be like. Fiery. Beautiful. Damning”
“We’re all selfish monsters— the only difference is some of us are more honest about it than others.”
“Tell me a secret, then. One you can part with.”
“Control is an illusion, something to make us feel grounded and in charge of our destinies.”
“Don't overthink everything. You might be surprised by how much you'd like being out of control. Being alive is chaos, and living in it is half the fun.”
“Her hand in mine is as good as gold.”
“One taste, and a thousand deaths you shall receive.”
“You and what army?”
“Maybe today was the day the fire roared and defeated all the rest.”
“To love was a privilege not afforded to those of us born in these trying times when survival was never guaranteed.
“No one doubts your honourable nature, most noble of kings and best of brothers.”
“Don't dwell on your past - it's not where you're going”
“It's your life. Do what you want with it.”
“Ambition comes with a price attached. Of course, that price comes too high if you die for nothing. The reward for ambition too great... is self-destruction!”
“Don't you wish you were here?”
“Most animals are willing to talk. It's the human who don't listen.”
“Some call it brash. Others call it independent. Pick your interpretation.”
“How can I even begin to understand the nature of power when no one shares a common definition of it?”
“No one used my family against me to accomplish their own goals. Not even God or an Immortal.”
“You remember him as a hero, so none of it makes sense for you. But you can remember him like that without caring what others think. No parent is perfect, and growing up is realizing that.”
“The dark doesn't mean you're alone.”
“The tongue is shallow, like water lapping at the shore. To fully understand is to swim in the deep ocean with all the senses.”
“The same thing that you value. Justice for the sake of it, and the safeguard of those who need it. Our methods may differ, but our hearts are the same.”
"My goodness, look at your face! Why ask if you thought I'd say no?"
“Come with me, I think I have a new escape for you.”
“Why should injustice, the darkness of justice, exist and not be an imperfect entry in a book unread for centuries? Until it is so forgotten, that no one remembers it was ever there.”
“That's what friends, that's what brethren are for. To be there, where words cannot.”
“What a thraldom, to be able to dream and only then to be free!”
“The wise man does not play games with dragons.”
“I don’t want to be remembered . . . I just want to live without fear.”
“A name does not make the man, just like a lie does not tell the full story.”
“He told me that everything I was afraid of in the dark was also there in the light. The only difference was the way it looked.”
“Hate is what will obliterate the brightest of the stars that shine inside your heart.”
“A smile is deceptive, I have found. Some are real… and some are false. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.”
“Nothing is truly real until one is willing to believe in it.”
“Those who long for perfection will never achieve it, while those who expect failure are always surprised.”
“I don’t have friends— only accomplices and enemies. You’d be amazed at how often they change sides.”
“Fathers are like that, Always disappointing their children when they need them the most.”
“Of course I would fall for Captain Emotionally Constipated. I could train a rock to hold more affection for me.”
“Because that means you’re thinking, and a thinking woman is usually something to fear.”
“Everything makes so much more sense, when you forget what life forces you to remember.”
“Influence is like the tide. Sometimes it goes, sometimes, however, it comes.”
“What kind of person do you wish to be? A part of those who take action, who try the hardest, or of those who go with the flow?”
“The same good folk who would burn me for a psychal now paid me to use my cursed gramarye to guard their sheep.”
“The God-War is coming.”
“Why must we overlook what we are most likely able to do?”
“I speak of the laws man has made, to make everyone lawful.”
“Before, I never knew how far I would go. Now I believe I have the answer. I will go as far as there is to go. I will go way too far.”
“Show your power by appearing powerless.”
“Books are keys that open many doors.”
“I am going to go into this world, and I don't care if you and your narrow mind cannot be a part of it.”
“You are blessed with a knack for sucking the wonder out of the extraordinary.”
“Right and wrong matters little when survival matters most.”
“The hard truths are the ones to hold tight. - Old Bear”
“One can't exactly savor vengeance when one is dead.”
“This was not going to be a peaceful day. No. It was going to be a mess.”
“When a mortal man breaks a people, it is always blamed on the gods.”
“That is the way of the gods. When they intervene, everyone loses something.”
“Life was cruel. It pitted the weak against the strong and never even blinked when the weak were crushed.”
“You were bringing me all those flowers when I was sick, like you were wooing me. How could my poor, weak heart resist?”
“I would choose freedom over comfort every time.”
“Women were always the cruelest where other women were concerned.”
“Is this a knight who comes before us, or the answer to a child’s riddle?”
#roleplay memes#sentence meme#( cali meme. )#rp memes#rp prompt#rp musings#roleplay prompt#◟ ⋆ memes › roleplay sources.
83 notes
·
View notes
Text
Jude chapter 3 silly but kinda detailed summary
꒰ ִ ֺ ⊹ @ notice ⊹ ֺ ִ ꒱ any pretty translation you may see in here may not be 100% accurate or contain creative liberties due to characterization or narrative flow purposes. this is a sort of summary as well. if you enjoy, though, please consider reblogging, but please don’t repost these or claim these as your own!
kate successfully completes sortin out letters so she heads to the port where jude is talking with the foreman. its there she sort of thinks back on her time at raven co and the long and short of it is that jude, as the ceo, is actually really outstanding, and he acknowledges the efforts of those who work hard, produce results and whatnot, and rewards them in turn.
(that said he could work on his wording ,,)
time skip to night after judes done and they all walkin back tgt where kates like “i think i’ll be able to have a good dinner today” and jude scoffs at her callin her a twit. and shes all defensive like hey whats wrong with wanting to eat good food and judes like when did i say that was wrong?
all of a sudden they stop in their tracks and jude tells kate “on the count o’ three, crouch” and kates all panicked like tf is going on but jude already starts counting down so she crouches anw (in a panic!)
some guy in a suits out to kill jude. god knows who too bc apparently jude don’t know him either 💀
Jude: Who are ya? Can’t say ya look familiar.
[ insert some lines im lazy to tl ]
Jude kicked up at the man’s chin, causing the man’s body to do one smooth flip before collapsing onto the ground.
Man in a suit: Jude… Jazza——!
Jude: N’ like I was sayin’, who the hell are ya?
ok turns out jude does remember him in the end, its just another dude who broke his contract with jude and was selling up some illegal drugs and whatnot.
Jude: I told ya, didn’t I? That if ya breach your contract I’d show ya so much o’ hell you’d wish you kicked the bucket?
J: I fulfilled that promise for ya. Havin’ a grand old time in hell, aren’t’cha?
omg he pried open the wound on the mans face and he let out a cry to the night sky that could shake anyone’s soul silly.
kate then thinks or foreshadows (yk how like ikevil stories r kinda told like kate is recalling the past? like “i didn’t realize it then, but xyz” kinda like one of those moments) that what she witnessed that night was but a prologue of what’s to come bc they get attacked over and over again.
kate and jude get into another argument like “i feel im gonna die every time! im at my limit!” and judes like “well ur in the way loiterin round like that” then jude just yeets off w/o listenin to another word.
she does feel something bothering her tho
(For someone like Jude, he should be able to avoid these grudges…)
When I thought this, I came up with a theory that relieved me of this unsettling feeling.
(…Could it be he’s making himself an enemy of many on purpose?)
‘Yeah, right,’ was what I thought, but also, somewhere in my heart, I felt such a theory may also be true.
shes like there’s not enough info rn but if i do know anything its that
Kate: At this rate, if I stay with Jude any longer…a hundred lives would not be enough!
and so shes like i gotta learn self defense! so she goes knocking on a certain someone’s door like pls teach me le jutsu of self defense!
Ellis: Okay. (╹◡╹)♡
turns out ellis was also thinking of teaching her some stuff abt self defense soon.
so ellis takes kate to the lobby and kates like why the lobby and ellis goes to a bookshelf to take out a book which actually reveals vics weapon collection and takes out a gun, telling kate to try and hold it.
idk if this is a real gun or not (as in it exists irl), apparently its made of silver with a wooden grip.
ellis thinks its well suited for kate. like its lightweight yk. hes like you may need to use it jic. and then hes like
Ellis: But, it’s kind of refreshing.
E: Other than me, Jude seems pretty adverse to putting people by his side.
E: So, maybe he wants to get along with you?
kates like mmm doubt but at the same time she has this question in her mind w/o an answer of why he went and wrote a whole contract and let her stay by his side then? shes abt to cook up a theory in her head when…
just then jude comes in.
Ellis: Ah——Jude.
Jude: We got a job to do.
so they head off to some noble mansion.
Jude: How do ya do, we’ll be here a while.
Nobleman: Ah, Mister Jude?
apparently this nobleman is connected with the guy in the suit jude beat up in the beginning of the chptr. he made him spit out info.
Jude: If ya just were sellin’ somethin’ shady I’d let that off the hook. Illegal drug’s some child’s play.
J: However.
Jude raised one leg and rested it atop the long table.
Jude: I seem to recall the contract prohibitin’ the sellin’ and buyin’ of humans, or am I wrong?
ko-fi☕️ ┊ comms🤍
#ikemen villains#ikevil#イケメンヴィラン#ikevil jude#ikevil jude jazza#jude jazza#ikemen villains jude#cybird ikemen series#cybird ikemen#cybird otome#ikemen series#otome game#otome
55 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey! What do you think of the idea of a reading goddess of revenge who was the one who started the entire events of Ragnarok?
Something like she started rumors about humans wanting to reveal herself by pointing out insignificant details and when it starts she goes to the humans to also incite them to fight. The reason? She used to be a respected and admired goddess, but some god - perhaps Zeus or Poseidon - humiliated her to such a degree that she was rejected, so she swore revenge on everyone.
In the end, although everyone returns, it is known that she started the conflict and she is only seen sitting on a throne above everyone, looking at them with mockery and satisfaction, knowing that if she already manipulated humans and gods once, she will do it as many times as she wants, like this. who are now cautious with her.
-You smiled cruelly, sneering down your nose at the gods and humans as they celebrate together.
-Humanity had won their salvation and as their reward, a wish was granted, and they chose to bring all those who fell in Ragnarok back to life, both humans and gods.
-You were amused, seeing that there were good humans out there, just like there were good gods, but it was the bad ones, the selfish ones, that were your bane.
-As everyone started talking about who started this tournament, as each side thought the other had started it, humans giving warrant to their destruction, and gods being selfish; while both sides were true, there was someone pulling the strings on both sides.
-Laughter filled the arena as all eyes turned to you, seeing you sitting up on a throne high above everyone else, eyes going wide.
-You looked so beautiful, laughing while holding your belly, before wiping a tear from your eyes as you smirked, “Fools~”
-Zeus and Brunnhilde’s eyes went wide as Zeus glared up at you, “Y/N! Explain yourself, were you the cause of bringing about this tournament?!”
-You clapped, mocking him, “Bravo dear Zeus, you finally figured it out~” many were stunned to learn that you had played both sides, manipulating all of them.
-You leaned your cheek on your hand, crossing one leg over the other, looking alluring, as you were just as stunning as Aphrodite.
-While many were crying up to you in outrage, wanting you to pay for your sins for putting them all through such trauma, many were saying that you deserved leniency, because someone so beautiful didn’t deserve to be punished.
-Zeus glared up at you, pointing a finger, “Why would you do such a thing?! I lost my brothers and my son in Ragnarok! Yes, they’re back now, but I could have lost them forever! Why would you do something like that?!”
-Your voice was icy and cold, glaring down at him, “Bite your tongue, Zeus. I have my reasons, you of all gods should know that.”
-His eyes narrowed in confusion at your words before they widened slightly, “Is this about that lover of yours?” Your silence was telling as many looked up to you as you unfolded your legs before standing, glaring down at him, “You know the answer to that. You gods convinced him to abandon me at the altar, all because you didn’t like that he was a human, and then you all had the gall to laugh at me.”
-Your anger, your fury, was making the arena tremble as you glared down at them, humans and gods alike, as you had seen many humans acting like your lover, easily swayed by others, abandoning their own lovers because they believed lies, and you knew the gods needed to be put in their place.
-Seeing you so furious did make many of them show throat to you, terrified of your anger as many were able to realize how easily you manipulated them, all of them, and with your charm and your wit, as well as your lust for revenge, you could easily do it again.
-Now wary of you, knowing full well of how manipulative you could be. Yes, your reasoning behind your revenge was well deserved, as you had been publically humiliated, but to go so far, willing to risk the lives of others, was a little too far.
-Zeus, Adam, Poseidon, Hercules, Buddha, Hades, Beelzebub, Leonidas, Apollo, and Odin
-Hearing your tale, hearing of the reason behind this revenge plot, broke his heart, you had been so in love, and to hear how your lover got tricked and abandoned you, and for those who tricked you to treat you so coldly, it’s no wonder you took revenge.
-Lu Bu, Thor, Adam, Kojiro, Shiva, Jack, Qin Shi Huang, Nikola, Hermes, and Ares
-You can manipulate him anytime you want baby~
-Loki and Raiden
#record of ragnarok#ror x reader#ror poseidon#ror hades#ror loki#ror buddha#ror thor#ror heracles#ror jack the ripper#ror adam#ror raiden#ror shiva#ror zeus#ror beelzebub#ror nikola tesla#ror apollo#ror ares#ror leonidas#ror lu bu#ror hermes#ror qin shi huang
197 notes
·
View notes
Text
so, re:chain of memories, huh?
warning! its been a little while since i played through recom, so the game isnt as fresh in my mind as some others. sorry for any innacuracies!
spoiler alert, this is my second favorite kingdom hearts game. at least of the ones i've played so far. i get that this isn't like. a POPULAR opinion but fuck you i have almost nothing but positives to say about it.
let's start with the easy stuff first. recom introduced a new card-based combat system. i cant compare it to the gba version, since i didn't play that, but i can say that for what its worth i DID enjoy the combat. recom is by far the hardest game so far (at least for me) and almost every boss took multiple days for me to beat, even with my hp maxed out. it took me a while to get the combat system, but id honestly love to replay the game now that i have a better understanding of how it works. the card system requires a lot of quick thinking and i get that it isnt everyones taste but its CERTAINLY mine. every fight is difficult and feels genuinely rewarding when you win. the movement, like kh1, can use a lot of work, but i wouldnt call it terrible. just kinda sluggish. i think my favorite boss fight was larxene. shes a pain in the ass but i love her.
i think riku's side dropping the deck building mechanic isnt terrible, but i wish i could reorder his deck at the very least. and the lack of healing cards is. not fun. basically any damage you take is permanent unless you HAPPEN to get mickey and its simply Not a fun time. im not very good at games okay.
i have a lot less to say about the worlds than the combat. they're definitely the worst aspect of the game, though. the idea of making worlds with cards is fine! it just leads to kind of repetitive world design. the stories are forgettable, so forgettable that i literally forgot them. and i could make a point about how thats the idea its a game all about forgetting things!! but honestly that just making excuses for it. the worlds couldve kept the idea of forgetting things without literally making them forgettable. i say this about every world, except for one. because DESTINY ISLANDS
destiny islands is just. so fucking good in recom. its the climax of both sora and rikus stories and i think theyre both amazing. id have to say i prefer rikus, soley because of the visual storytelling you get from his side of it, and thats not to say soras is bad at all. but something about zexion telling riku that its his fault his home was destroyed, as riku sees a version of himself turning into a literal monster? thats just good okay. its really good.
i ADORE the characters in this game too. everything we get from them is sooo good. it's the introduction to the organization and all of them (except lexaeus who did literally nothing) are a treat. axels my favorite ofc, but larxene is such a fun villain, you love to hate her. shes really the star of the org cast in this game. sure, axels may have said its his show now, but larxene stole the spotlight.
its namines introduction, too, and i love her. on one hand, shes just really kind. she wants a friend, she wants someone to talk to, she wants to meet sora. on the other, shes just a little bit fucked up actually. sure, shes honest with sora, but shes the tiniest little bit guilt trippy and i LOVE THAT. her response to sora saying he wants to get back his own memories and forget her is "oh okay. you want to remember your REAL friends, huh? theyre the ones who REALLY matter to you? yeah anyone would want that. no friends for namine i guess." like shes just a bit salty and we love that for her. i want slightly guilt tripping and salty namine back nomura.
but ofc one of my favorite new characters in this game HAS to be repliku. god i ADORE repliku. his hatred for riku is sooo fun and the way he fights with sora is great too. like in soras side i thought he was a neat villain but rikus side? hes amazing omfg. one of the only villains i liked in rikus story (sorry lexaeus, you werent good until days)
over all, this game certainly isnt everyones cup of tea, but its DEFINITELY mine. it's the game im most excited to replay at some point, mostly because of the amazing boss fights. 9/10. its got issues, but the story and characters are so good that i genuinely could not care less about like. most of them.
#doodles#i just really like the boss fights okay#kingdom hearts#chain of memories#riku#scene i drew is a redraw of rikus side of destiny islands#since its one of my favorite scenes from recom#kh review#<- making a new tag#gonna go back and tag all the other ones
152 notes
·
View notes
Note
Warning inane ramble incoming, it’ll probably be annoying I apologize. (*_ _)人 I spent the last several days reading every post here. I managed to convince myself to start liking some (sorry about that I’m sure it was annoying to get all those notifications) I have this weird thing where I get nervous about liking older posts cuz I mean it’s been a long time and it’s unprompted so that’s weird right? It feels weird like I’m doing something wrong or I’m being annoying, I considered reblogging too but somehow that felt worse? Sorry I am not good with social rules they confuse me both on and offline Idk my brain is wrong and I’m just a nervous socially anxious snail. (>﹏<)
Anyways just wanted to gush about how much I love it here and I’m never leaving (´꒳`) ♡ First and foremost Yniol has a special place in my heart they will forever be my favorite bestie (*^ω^)人(^ω^*), yes I am biased as my partner is grey and though they don’t play IFs they were thrilled to learn about your character! Also your writing is just phenomenal, your fans are fun and creative, your characters give such warm and positive energy I love them so much they’re perfect, the inclusivity is such chefs kiss ( ´ з `) 🤌🏻✨, the angst is delicious, the fluff is so sweet and comforting, the spice is ... very blush-worthy (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄). This has been a journey I laughed, I cried, I giggled, and I blushed and I have enjoyed every bit of it from pasta discourse to Moldien cult wars to Arthur bunnies, I’ve had the most wonderful time. Now my mind is gonna be filled with Arthurian stuff for months my maladaptive daydreaming is having the time of its life I have a road trip next week and I’m so looking forward to just staring out a window for 6+hours while my Hound's just alternating daydream adventures with the cast o(≧▽≦)o. Also speaking of your amazingly wonderful, sweet, and supportive cast I have decided my (though I love them all) favorite poly pairings are Arthur/Morien and whole crew polycule I’d sell my soul for those but I 100% understand why you can’t really do that. I don’t think I have the endurance in me to code a single poly no matter how much I wish it so the fact you’re doing any let alone several is just god tier you are awe inspiring.
Alas I have rambled far far to much I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing just how much I enjoyed experiencing all of this but for now this is the best I can do (╥ω╥). Thank you for sharing your wonderful work it’s truly a gift to experience. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ I wish you wealth, health, and all the best in all your creative endeavors. -🐌
No, please please do not apologize. You made my entire week <3 This ask is straight up going into the folder where i keep my motivation to write and to be just a little proud of my work, thank you so so much for sending it.
For anyone having the same thoughts about liking or reblogging old posts: please do it. When I see the notifications, get very giddy and pleased, and I hope you are enjoying the food. Liking, and especially reblogging things, even more so if you add tags and reactons, not only fills me with glee but it also reminds me of old asks that I want to reblog again for new followers. So yeah, I love it, please feel free to go on a liking/reblogging spree!
You are so relatable for the maladaptive daydreaming (this game was absolutely born out of my own mental movies), I wish I could speed up the writing and editing for the next update so you can read it while you travel but I'm afraid it's a lost cause (I have been working on things, even now, but I am currently rewriting like half of it and while it is way better it takes sooo much time and energy). Knowing my characters and story are in someone's thoughts it the best kind of reward I need. I will never likely monetise this game, so this is the thing I wish to leave people with, and I hope the characters can be comforting and keep you company <3
You have no idea how much I would love to write the full polycule... maybe one day :,) But don't lose hope for the Arthur/Morien poly yet, as I decided to cancel the Gwyar/Morien poly and now I have a potentially free slot. In any case, awww, please know that this ask made me so happy today and will be in my thoughts as tkh is in yours.
Please have a lovely day and a lovely week and also a very lovely trip! Thank you again so so much!!
#lovely adorable anons#also never apologize for sening asks in anon i understand#i do the same#(anxiety)#love you!!#anon love
64 notes
·
View notes
Note
Wow your Orym tags really are an eye-opener. You are totally right and now I understand the bitterness about this character a little better. I've seen a lot of "...but C3 is supposed to be this and that" takes and I guess a lot of people think they are owed a certain storyline?
Yeah. People feeling as though they're owed a certain storyline is not new nor exclusive to Critical Role; it's been pretty common in fandom for years (see this excellent post that I still think about). But the particular blame being placed on Orym is a fun new twist on this theme.
I'm sure there's people who hate Orym for other reasons; shipping wank is another very common form of entitlement to a particular storyline. I must admit when it comes to Twitter I think some people just yell random lies out into the void to hear their own voice because there is no underlying logic to any of it. But I do think a large number of people who have been blaming Orym for everything for what is now the majority of the campaign are doing so because he has consistetly refused to entertain the idea that Ludinus makes any valid points from the start, and the narrative has pretty much only rewarded him for that.
A lot of people really thought that Campaign 3 "all bets are off" didn't mean like, messing with the narrative structure (they hate when that happens by the way. they acted like Downfall and the Solstice Split and the fact that this has been a very plot-driven campaign rather than one about character backstory are all fucking violations of the Geneva convention the way they carried on, and I say this as a person who can complain) but rather that Critical Role, a D&D-based fantasy, would shed those pesky two previous campaigns of canon (unless of course earlier canon helps them make a point. I truly cannot believe someone made like 5 alts and harassed me and all my mutuals for an entire evening over hypocrisy for...liking one ship more than another when these idiots exist) in order to become some kind of deeply pathetic "French Revolution Except Instead Of Kings It's Gods" historical re-enactment.
We're at the point where like, nothing has validated them and everything they've claimed the gods have done, Ludinus or the Weave Mind have done like, tenfold. As mentioned, the people who were like "oh my god STOP SAYING HUBRIS anyway obviously Bells Hells would NEVER see the gods as relatable" just watched Laudna and Imogen be like "wow, they're flawed and conflicted and a fucked up family just like us." I shit you not, I saw someone criticize FCG's relationship with the Changebringer because "he had to work for it" as if that's not like...how literally all relationships work if you're not an utter black hole of entitled self-absorption. The Kreviris Imperium wants to straight up colonize all of Exandria but they turn a blind eye. There's someone out there talking about putting Rashinna's head on a pike for being willing to endanger the poor Ruidusborn children that...Liliana (probably to some extent coerced by Ludinus to be fair) could have left alone to live out their lives on Exandria. People genuinely channel some anti-abortion "but What About The Disabled Children? Shouldn't Pregnant People Be Forced To Carry And Parent Them" style arguments at Alma's "hey, we have people delay birth for like half an hour so their children don't have The Psychic Migraine Disorder That Made Imogen Possibly Suicidal". The arguments have devolved into "well, canon isn't real" and "but the status quo" as if there aren't ALIENS FROM SPACE SPEAKING AT THE DRAGON VATICAN. How STUPID do you have to be to think that wouldn't change the entire world. Or, to get back to this ask, how desperate are you to maintain the illusion that you are going to get a wish-fulfillment campaign that never once existed? So yeah. They blame Orym because otherwise they have to blame literally the entire cast, and themselves.
#answered#Anonymous#i genuinely do try not to make assumptions about people's personal lives bc it generally hurts one's argument if you're wrong#when i talk about religious trauma projections i have the receipts on file & backed up in case someone decides to start shit#but uh. i do expect that some of these people are like 19 and stupid and will get better. but some will be hardcore conservative in 20 year#anyway. i don't know how to put this but. multiple deeply stupid people have tried it with me this week. i do not know why.#do not. i tried calling people idiots to their faces and they kept talking so it's blocking time.
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
A random collection of Veilguard Thoughts after completing the game, because I need to vent some feelings. spoilers below!
Firstly: I was going to love this game regardless. I came into it with the fewest amount of spoilers possible. I do love this game. I won't argue with anyone - if we have different opinions, that's fine! I won't tolerate hate, though.
This is my messy stream of consciousness, but let's start with the good stuff!
The Good:
-Gameplay was fun! Combat was fun and inventive, for someone who plays on Storyteller mode and tries to get through combat as fast as possible so I can get back to the story, it rarely aggravated me.
-The maps/puzzles are fun. They were usually easy enough to figure out on my own without looking it up, but just complex enough I felt smart when I got it. I like that the game almost always rewards you for looking around and exploring off the beaten path a bit.
-It felt like a spiritual successor to Mass Effect 2 in the way that you have to build your team up in order to save the world. I loved that.
-The griffons coming back is one of the best things in the Dragon Age universe ever, and I love that we could decide what to do with them. (But I'm kind of concerned that there's only 12, and they're...related? I feel like that's not enough individuals to grow the species back...)
-Letting us pet and hug Assan (with different animations!) over and over was one of the best things they ever did. Also, photo mode was a great idea.
-The little hints about Those Beyond The Sea we keep getting?! Dear God, I hope we get another game and get more lore. I'm dying to know. They've teased this for so long, I really, really wanna know what's up with this part of the world.
-i loved being able to choose our body proportions.
-I'm so thankful we got to make our Inquisitor and keep the same vallaslin and voice actor. I hate the outfit they gave them and how we had no choice in it, and I would have also preferred to have a choice in their prosthetic, but I'm grateful for what we did get. The missives from them were also a nice touch, and seeing the letter from the Inquisitor's love interest was SO HEALING. Tbh, in reality, I think the Inquisitor would have been involved WAY more, especially since the crossroads would have made travel basically instant across Thedas. But I get why Rook needed to stand on their own two feet.
-Morrigan/Mythal was a great touch. It made sense logically, there was character growth, and I'm glad Mythal wasn't gone entirely, but I wish we could know what's become of Kieran.
-All the VAs are so good. the world felt lush, magical, twisted, and fun, with just the right amount of tragedy and horror balanced with hope and love. Arlathan was gorgeous and tragic and horrific and I took SO MANY photos.
-we got more Dalish and more Qunlat words!!
-THE LORE. So many questions finally answered. I kind of thought we would learn that the Black City was actually the prison Solas made for the gods, but hey, maybe next time? I also still want to know if Andraste was real and more about the origins of elves as spirits, but alas...
-i loved the inventory system. I wish we could have sold equipment we didn't need instead of just the valuables, but it's a minor quibble. It was so much easier to manage, I didn't have to waste a bunch of time going through everything to find the best items for everyone
-ARCHON DORIAN PAVUS !! He was barely in the game which made me sad, but the fact that he was there at all and so glorious was wonderful. I wonder if people new to the game know or care about the significance of him being in charge of Tevinter, though, since we didn't even really get to have a conversation with him
About Solas:
I played thru DAI on release day. My first Inquisitor romanced him. When Everything Happened(tm) I was PISSED. I wanted revenge on Solas, I wanted to hunt him down. I've thought about him for 10 years, and now I am so wistful for more of him. I want to give him a hug. Moreover I want Lavellan to hug him.
Solas was INCREDIBLE in this. I loved, loved getting to see his memories firsthand - this was more than I'd hoped for - and the banter with Rook was one of the best parts of the game. Seeing him with hair - seeing him change into Fen'harel and fight a DRAGON? him helping us in the fade by baiting Elgar'nan and getting all bloody and beat up trying to help us, thinking he was going to trick us one final time? My wildest dreams came true. He was layered, he was complex, he was incredibly heroic and sympathetic and tortured and clever and absolutely ruthless. He was at turns heartbreakingly sincere and infuriatingly traitorous.
He showed a wide range of emotion; we got to see the real Solas, not the polite pretender of Inquisition. He was the shining star of the game for me. And he was sorely lacking.
We hardly got to speak to him!! It drove me nuts that we couldn't talk to him as much as our other companions. He literally knows the most about our enemies and how to defeat them. And we know he's probably planning some trickery in his lil mind prison. Why are we not checking on Solas at every chance we get?
Learning more about and speaking with Mythal? Chef's kiss. But I so, so wish that a romanced Inquisitor, along with Mythal's release of Solas, was what prompted Solas to realize there could be more to his life than rebellion and penance. He's betrayed everyone he's ever loved, and killed his closest friends, but he didn't kill her. Mythal represents his past, she's the origin of where it all went wrong - I wanted Solas to see a Lavellan that understands and forgives, even after everything, and that universal acceptance is the thing he needs to finally let go of trying to make up for what he's done. (It's fine, I'll just write a fanfic about it, whatever)
My Complaints:
-That we only can choose 3 possible variables for worldbuilding to keep from Inquisition. I think this the biggest, most egregious and disrespectful thing they did in the game, and I'm sure it's been talked about to death, but I'll just add that I hate it. I'll live with it - I'd rather they be vague than ret-con or kill off beloved characters off-screen - but still, what's the point of all of our previous choices if we don't get to see how they shape this world?
-The relationships felt SHALLOW. For a game that revolves around your companions, everything felt surface level. While I loved that almost every time you went to the Lighthouse, people were somewhere different and talking to each other, I HATED that Rook couldn't participate in their conversations. We only listened. I hate that we couldn't really ever initiate any long, deep conversations where we got to ask our companions strings of questions about themselves and their histories. I feel like I barely know Neve or Lucanis. I did like getting a bit more in depth with characters during their missions, but still...I feel like I barely know them, not the deep closeness I've felt with Dragon Age companions in the past. Nobody ever argues or disagrees with you, not really, just a couple times and it doesn't truly matter. I loved the companions. Their designs are so cool. I wanted to know everything about them and talk to them more. Why can't we ask Davrin about his vallaslin (it's obviously Ghilan'nain) and how he feels about it now that we are fighting her, especially if we're also an elf? And Bellara, why can't we ask about her tattoo and where her clan is and how she joined the Veil Jumpers? Why can't we ask Neve about her prosthetic? I loved the references to Inquisition in Harding's design, but since we couldn't import more than 3 things, she couldn't even talk about the Inquisition beyond the most vague things. Taash barely speaks at all. Emmrich has no life beyond the dead.
-The companions are so...one-note. Taash brings up being non-binary at every. single. quest, even though their adaari-ness and crossroads between being Qun and being Rivani was super interesting to me. (more on Taash in a minute.) Lucanis likes coffee. Davrin's personal quests mention "torlum" ad nauseum and the fact that Assan eats a lot. Bellara at least talks about other interests, but everyone else is so predictable. Even their banter doesn't seem to give them a lot of individual personality.
-the body models for female elves felt..a bit odd? My Rook always looked bow-legged. And do bras not exist in Thedas anymore? Lol
-The choice of who dies? HEART-WRENCHING. why was it between those two?! Why isn't the romance scene until AFTER this choice? Why doesn't the thing that happens with Harding and The Stone protect her (I thought it would!) and why don't we get any resolution to that if we lose her? I understand that Davrin was prepared to sacrifice himself as a Grey Warden, but making us lose Assan too...? Cruelty. That's what it is.
-I don't like that there are permanent deaths that happen regardless of our choices. That sucks. I know it's realistic, but this is a game, and I want my happily ever after for everyone, DAMN IT! The twist truly shook me, and I didn't see it coming. I didn't think I'd be caught by surprise and I was.
-The characterization of Rook is all over the place. I played an elven Rook with non-traditional vallaslin (figuring that the newer generation of Dalish Veil Jumpers might blend tradition with their new focus of exploring the Veil.) At various times, my Rook has said these things: "I didn't grow up with the Dalish." "I'm Dalish where it counts. "As a fellow Dalish--" WHICH IS IT? I'm in the most elfy faction, it's not even that I picked something unlikely for an elf with a face tattoo. I don't know what you have to do, what flags you have to trigger in the code, but the game still seems so confused about who our characters are. Pick a lane, Rook!
-While I'm on this subject: it would have been so nice to be able to know from the character creator what every kind of tattoo, body paint, and scar pattern went with what faction. And for the Dalish, which god matched to which vallaslin. It would have blown my mind in a good way if our choice of vallaslin came up in any way shape or form
-I would have loved if our race and faction actually like..mattered more. Walking around the Veil Jumper camp at the beginning and nobody talking to me except Strife and Irelin, that was so boring! Nobody recognizes you or asks how you've been. Just silence. Like everyone around you is a cardboard cutout. I expected more from Bioware.
-We got so much amazing lore in this game, and I'm really happy about it! But why did Bioware have to take the most marginalized group of people in Thedas, who were barely clinging to their own language and culture and freedom to begin with, and make everything bad that ever happened THEIR FAULT? What was the thought process there? That they used to have power but their leaders were in fact so terrible that they tore themselves apart and now live on the fringes of society? It makes it feel like the elves deserved their present fate, which is...pretty sucky. I'm glad they did not massacre the elves in this game as they have in the past, and that the elves didn't become even MORE the enemy by joining with the gods, but it really feels like the humans are only going to kill more elves in retribution for their gods almost ending the whole world. Also, related: nobody ever gives us sass about being an elf, not even in Minrathous, where elves are almost entirely slaves?!
-i know everything's changing with the lore stuff we typically know, but why did it seem that existing physically in the Fade is just no big deal anymore?
-at no point does Harding mention Varric dying? They don't have a funeral, a memorial? The Inquisitor says nothing, Morrigan says nothing? I know Solas messed with rook's mind, but even after...?
-the fact that the romance scenes don't happen until after the deaths. So it's possible for your love interest to die before that? Cruelty. Also, weird places to hook up, right after I just found out someone I thought has been alive this whole time DIED AT THE BEGINNING, and another dear friend sacrificed themselves, and we aren't sad at all during this? I understand sex after loss is perfectly normal and I understand that. But at least for the scene I saw, there was no "celebration of being alive" feel, it felt...more lustful than loving? Just an abrupt tonal shift.
-it just...ends. there's the typical little wrap up slides, but they're, again, shallow. A few lines here and there. Apparently the whole of Thedas was nearly destroyed, and not a single country went unscathed, but it's all gonna be ok! The bit of hope was nice, but...I don't feel settled at all. And it seems like we won't get DLC? which...ugh. and they fired the writers, which, again, cruel. If they make another Dragon Age, I can't see it being truly Dragon Age without them.
-i decided to make Taash's whole deal and the Qun a separate post lol
All in all - so thankful we got this game, so thankful we got what we did, I'm still processing a lot of it, and the past 3 weeks of my life I have done little else but live inside this story, but I just really need to scream into the void now!!
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
heaven sent — 07. the rooftop
previous | next
You woke up the next morning to the sound of rain and hushed voices from the living room.
It’s so weird that Minji is becoming friends with a messenger from God… who she thinks is my girlfriend.
You sat up, straining your ears to listen.
“Is she treating you well?” Minji’s low voice teasingly asked.
“Yeah,” you could imagine Danielle’s smile. “She is.”
I should tell her to get into acting.
“I’m surprised she’s not just brooding on your dates.”
“Why? Is she usually like that?”
You heard Minji sigh in exasperation. “Before you came, she was like a walking thunderstorm. I'm pretty sure I’m her only friend. You can imagine my shock when I found out she had a whole girlfriend. Before me, too…”
Okay, rude.
“Do you know why?”
“I know a bit,” Minji said, after a pause. “It’s probably best if you heard it from her.”
Oh.
You took that as a sign to start heading towards the bathroom before making your presence known.
“Hi guys,” you said, muffled, brushing your teeth.
“Hey,” Minji stretched and made her way toward the door. “I’m gonna head out. I’ll catch you guys later.”
She shut the door gently behind her.
“Morning,” Danielle smiled. “It’s raining today, so I guess we’re staying inside.”
You grinned, mouth full of toothpaste. “Nice.”
You quickly finished washing up and plopped yourself next to her on the couch.
“What do you usually do at home? Besides sleeping.”
“It probably sounds loser-ish, but I like doing jigsaw puzzles,” you scratched your nape. “I don’t know why, I guess it’s rewarding to see the end result.”
She sat up enthusiastically. “That sounds fun! Do you have any puzzles you haven’t started?”
“Yeah,” you felt relieved at her response. “It’s this really pretty city at night. It’s in my room.”
“I’ll make cereal for you and bring it in while you find the puzzle.” You hated how her thoughtfulness made your throat dry.
You both lay on your stomachs on the floor of your room, spreading out the pieces.
“You’ve told me about the structure, but what’s the work culture like in heaven?” You shoved a spoon full of cereal in your mouth.
“It’s nice,” she mused. “Everyone’s always gossiping about their human.”
“Have you gossiped about me yet?” You eyed her curiously.
“Maybe.” She stuck her tongue out childishly. “Not telling you what I said.”
“Why not?” You whined. “Surely I’m not that bad.”
She zipped her mouth shut.
“Fine,” you rolled your eyes, internally celebrating when you finished the border of the puzzle. “Do you ever have free time in heaven?”
“We don’t really have free time,” she pouted. “When we’re done with one wish, we almost immediately get assigned another.”
“No wonder why you force me to go out everyday. You must be having a blast with me then,” you smiled smugly.
“You’re awfully confident for someone who just sleeps all day.”
“Not true,” you frowned, flicking a piece at her forehead. “I have been obediently waking up at seven on the dot every morning.”
“I guess I can give you that.”
The two of you worked in silence for a while, enjoying each other's company. Honestly, you were doing most of the work, while Danielle seemed to be deep in thought. She was now lying on her back, staring at the ceiling, preoccupied with her own thoughts.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
She stopped twirling the puzzle piece with her fingers.
“I know you heard Minji and I this morning.”
“Oh.” You clicked a piece in. “Was it your angel powers?”
“Something like that.”
You clicked another piece in. “What do you want to know about?”
“Everything,” she said. “I always want to know everything about you.”
Do you care because you like me or because you have to?
“It’s a long sob story,” you warned.
“We have time,” she replied, glancing at the window, rain still pattering gently against it.
You hummed in acknowledgment, clicking another piece in as Danielle watched you intently. You took some time to form the right words. Where do I begin?
“My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship growing up.”
“Really?” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Based on the stories you told, I thought…”
“Grief has a funny way of changing your perspective,” you smiled wryly. “I choose to talk about the good parts. I still remember the bad, of course.”
You stamped a piece down. “My parents weren’t rich. They sacrificed a lot to get me to where I am today. All they ever wanted was to see me successful, live a better life than they did. They taught me what hard work and discipline was.”
“They raised you well,” she said softly.
You nodded. “My mom was the most ambitious person I knew. I guess she wanted to pass that trait on to me. My childhood was spent mostly doing extracurriculars — tutoring, debating, volunteering, all that kinda stuff. When I was seven, she signed me up for piano classes.”
You both looked at the keyboard in your room, neglected and covered with dust.
“At first, I was fine with it. She was visibly proud of me, for once. But then, it became more serious. I had to practice a few hours everyday, had to start learning music theory, going to these concerts, taking exams…”
You sighed. “It was like the breaking point for me. It was too much. I hated it. I tried to tell my mom, but she wouldn’t listen. She would just say ‘It’s good for you’ and ‘Don’t you want to make me happy?’ It caused a rift in our relationship.”
“And your dad?”
“He just stood by and watched. He’s a person of little words.”
“Oh.”
“I couldn’t talk to her without an argument starting,” you clenched your jaw. “We both grew bitter. Argued about anything and everything. This went on for years. And one day, I just stopped playing. I refused to go to lessons. Refused to touch the piano at all. She tried everything: taking away my phone, guilt-tripping me, giving me the cold shoulder. But nothing worked. She gave up eventually.”
You felt a familiar burning sensation in your throat. Danielle shuffled closer and grabbed your hands, squeezing it. “We didn’t talk for a while. Days turned to weeks. I tried to mend our relationship, do anything to make her proud of me again. But our stubbornness always got the better of us. Then one day…”
You took in a shaky breath. “I was in school, and I got a call. I think you can guess what happens next.”
She said nothing, pulling you in for a hug. You exhaled quietly, closing your eyes as you felt hot tears stream down your face.
“After her passing, I resented her,” you muttered. “Why wasn’t I ever enough? That anger, it helped me, for a while. It was the only way I could live with the regret of leaving our relationship like that. As soon as I could, I packed my bags, left, and never looked back. That’s how I ended up here now.”
You pulled back and looked at the keyboard. “Bought that impulsively. Thought it would help me get over it, but I haven’t had the courage to touch it since. I learned to play the guitar instead. It’s hiding in my closet.”
Danielle’s watery eyes met yours. “Maybe it’s time to try again.”
You managed a small smile. “Maybe.”
“Thank you for telling me,” she bit the inside of her cheek. “And I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but I think she would’ve been proud of who you’ve become.”
“No,” you murmured, feeling that familiar ache in your heart. “It means everything.”
She handed you a tissue, to which you gratefully accepted and wiped your tears away.
“Let’s finish this puzzle.” You clicked another piece in, your heart feeling lighter. “And maybe I'll play you a song.”
“Damn,” Danielle stood up, admiring the completed puzzle. “We did an amazing job.”
“Who’s we?” you scoffed. “I did an amazing job.”
“Same difference,” she shrugged, rushing over to violently open your closet. You rolled your eyes at her lack of patience and respect for privacy.
She pulled your guitar out, eyes shining in excitement. She strummed, recoiling back at how off-tune it was. “You weren’t lying when you said it’s been a while.”
You smiled, leaning down to connect your keyboard and power it on. You stretched your fingers, blowing off dust before pressing down on the keys, adjusting your fingers to a familiar shape.
You bit your lip, playing some scales. “It feels so weird.” You turned to face her. “Any song requests?”
“What?” She frowned in confusion. “You can play any song?”
“I have perfect pitch,” you mumbled. “So, kind of..”
She gasped, grabbing your shoulder and shaking it. “Please play a song from Frozen.”
“Oh my god,” you pinched the bridge of your nose. “Anything but that.”
She stared at you with puppy eyes.
“Fine.”
You hummed the melody of For The First Time in Forever to yourself, feeling out the chords of the song, before beginning to play it.
Danielle leaned over your shoulder, eyes widened and jaw dropped. She was speechless for the whole song. Your fingers were clumsy and stumbled on some parts, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“So,” you dragged out once you played the final note. “Not bad for a rusty old-timer, right?”
“Not bad?” She screeched. “That was amazing!”
You winced at her shouting, but smiled shyly. “Thanks.”
“I can't believe you have perfect pitch,” she said, starstruck. “Have you considered composing music?”
“I used to,” you grabbed the guitar off the bed and fiddled with the tuning keys. “I just couldn’t find inspiration, so nothing really became of it.”
“Well, you have me now,” she grinned, pulling a chair up next to you. “And I have plenty of ideas.”
You quirked an eyebrow. “Didn’t peg you for a musician.”
“We listened to tons of music when studying about Earth,” she puffed her cheeks. “From Tchaikovsky to Queen to Nicki Minaj to LOONA. The whole bunch.”
“Alright,” you smiled, opening up your laptop. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
You leaned back on your chair and pressed play, both of you nodding your head along to the instrumental.
“The synths are so pretty,” she gushed. “And you did an amazing job with the riff.”
“This song is so you,” you chuckled. “Upbeat and groovy.”
“Good job, me.” You coughed back a scoff as Danielle patted herself on the back. You relaxed your shoulders, stretching your arms and cracking your knuckles.
“Huh,” you said, staring outside. “It stopped raining.”
“Let’s go out!” She exclaimed, grabbing your hand. “Do you know the spot?”
You looked at her, confused. “What?”
“The spot?” She scratched her head. “A spot? The other messengers said that humans always have ‘a spot’ or something.”
“Oh,” you smiled. She’s so cute. “Yeah, I do.”
“Great!” she squealed, pulling you outside. “Let’s go!”
“Wow,” Danielle exhaled as she leaned against the rail of the rooftop, looking down to the city below.
“It’s always pretty at night,” you moved next to her, reaching your hand out to feel the light breeze. “Especially after it rains. The lights reflect so much better on the wet roads.”
“I see what you mean.”
“Whenever I used to come up here,” you watched the cars drive by and people walk past below, “I liked picking a person and coming up with their story. Like I was God.”
She smirked, “God?”
“Like that guy,” you pointed at a random man, who was leaning against a street pole, hands tucked in his pocket. “Bet you his name is Sebastian.”
“Sebastian?” she frowned. “No, it’s definitely Jerry.”
“Fine,” you conceded. “He’s waiting for a friend. They have this weird tradition where they meet once a month to discuss whether crocodiles are real or not.”
She tilted her head. “I can see that. I think he’s the type to believe that they don’t exist.”
The man was now pacing back and forth, talking to someone on the phone. You gasped. “His friend just called. He has to cancel because his girlfriend wants a date night.”
“But,” Danielle continued dramatically. “The girlfriend works at a zoo, where she sees crocodiles everyday, so she’s constantly telling the boyfriend to stay away from Jerry, claiming that he’s too weird. That’s why the friend is avoiding him, making excuses to skip their tradition.”
You smiled as she played along. “You’re surprisingly good at this.”
“Surprisingly?” She feigned offense. “I’m good at everything.”
After your laughter died down, it was silent again, both of you taking in the view below. You turned to your side to face her, marveling at how pretty she looked.
“Danielle,” you said her name like a prayer. She turned, the two of you now facing each other.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for this past week,” you smiled sincerely. “You make things feel so… easy.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t do anything. I just forced you to go outside.”
You bit your lip. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve felt so happy. So, thank you.” You edged closer to her, her gaze snapping towards your hand that was now on top of hers.
Fuck it.
You leaned forward and kissed her. Your lips met gently, and you pulled her closer by the shirt to deepen the kiss. For a second, you felt her kissing you back.
She suddenly jerked back, eyes swirling with guilt.
“Danielle,” you whispered. “I really like-”
“Don’t,” she said, voice cracking. “Don’t finish that sentence.”
Your heart dropped. “Why?”
“We can’t,” she said, voice strained, shaking her head. “I can’t.”
She started to step away, further from you.
“Wait,” you reached out to her. “Listen to me-”
“I can’t.”
Just as your fingers brushed against her wrist, she turned and disappeared, leaving you with the echo of your heartbeat ringing in your ears.
You couldn’t sleep that night, tossing and turning, your mind filled with unanswered questions and the ghost of her lips on yours.
previous | next
84 notes
·
View notes
Note
oh lord, your brian likes sweaty tim, too? X_X i once read a fic that had a tidbit where brian was all up in tim's underarm and hinted that brian was into digging into the harder to reach bits of tim (the exact quote is, “always interested in the weirdest parts of him. always hunting down the stuff he tried to hide. too damn curious, too damn observant.") and ever since then my brian's not afraid to kiss/lick/smell any part of tim, no matter how stinky :D i don't know why it's just sweet to me, you CANNOT convince me that brian's not at least moderately obsessed with tim's body lmao
...I thought about going into scent/armpit kink with that post but I thought it might be too weird so... >:]
Yeah... Hi, anyone who thinks I'm a normal person when it comes to sweaty men.... Uhhhhhhh, maybe skip this one I'm letting myself be a little bit of a freak, I could definitely have been worse but eh 💀
Also... Could I... Could I have a link to that fic 👉🏼👈🏼 maybe? If it has scent kink and Brian being obsessed with how Tim's smells and like, him all sweaty and stuff it sounds right up my alley
Brian is so 100% obsessed with Tim's body. Literally no matter what state it's in he's there drooling like a dog over it. Tim's just got in from a hard day's work on a building site in super hot weather? Absolutely drenched in sweat? Then Tim's having to pry him off with a fucking spatula so he can shower the brick and concrete dust off himself before Brian gets his wish of Tim sitting in his lap and letting him shove his face up under his boobs. Because you KNOW that poor man has the worst under boob sweat imaginable, and that Brian wants to fucking drink it.
I think Brian would like Tim sitting on his lap, especially in summer, purely because he hopes he'll be able to shove his face against Tim's back or chest or wherever the fuck and just sniff. He's such a little weirdo when there's no one around to see. He just adores how he smells. And I think he'd be a little embarrassed about it, because sure everyone's like, "god that guy's so hot look his sweaty he is" but Brian's like "my boyfriend hasn't been able to shower in a few days and works a really physically demanding job, and it's the middle of summer, he's so hot" and then he points to Tim who's sitting there looking at him like he's insane because he feels more oil than man. Y'know?
Tim's supportive, but he's also just like.... Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Y'know?
Like, Brian loves summer purely because it means Tim's more sweaty more often.
Brian will complain and whine if Tim insists on having a shower after a long day before he lets Brian bury his face in his pubes, y'know?
And god fucking forbid Tim shaves his body hair. I like to think he did it, like, once, just because why not, he kinda wanted to see what It would look like (he HATED the feeling of it all growing back in and catching on his clothes, he never did it again), and Brian was fucking distraught, he acted like Tim murdered someone (...someone except Alex 💀 but shush you know what I mean)
Brian's such a little freak with it sometimes. And he can be normal if he wants to, but he doesn't want to. He wants to hide Tim's deodorant. He wants to ask Tim to do yard work after a long day's work purely so he can reap the reward of sweaty, smelly Tim afterwards.
Like, you know that thing where it's like "if someone has the opposite immune system to you their body odor won't really smell bad to you?" Thing or whatever it is, like, I have no clue if it's true but Brian 100% believes it is because how the fuck else can you explain his obsession with Tim smelling like nothing but himself? Y'know? Like, to him even the worst most sweaty most body odour-y day Tim can have is the best day ever because he gets to smell him. He doesn't want Tim to own let alone use scented soaps, he wants just Tim.
Sensory seeking Brian, specifically with his sense of smell. He needs things to smell strongly, especially things he loves. And Tim is unsurprisingly a thing he loves, y'know?
To me it's sweet and something I love in characters because throughout my entire childhood and teen years I was constantly told how disgusting I smelled (while also being belittled for wearing deodorant and putting deodorant on wrong, by the same person who constantly told me I stank??? (don't fucking ask me how I was doing it wrong, I don't know I was putting it in my damn armpits all day every day like everyone else)) so seeing characters who look at their partner all gross and a bit grimy with greasy hair and BO and acne break outs under their boobs and on their backs because it's been so fucking hot that their skin just can't handle the oils and sweat and stuff is always really special to me. Like, hey, this character feels all gross and like they need to shower seven times a day just to stay not slimy all over, and their partner is fucking obsessed with that, they don't hate them for it, they actually find it hot. It's just special. Like, oh look, not everyone's a dick, this character found someone who loves them no matter the state of personal hygiene upkeep they're in, y'know?
#nsft#marble hornets#tim wright#brian thomas#mh brilex#scent kink#i looked at this ask and went “release the scent goblin” and that thing bounded out of its cage like i hadnt fed it in a year#(i feed it far too often because I'm also in the COD fandom and by god do they know how to do a good scent kink)
18 notes
·
View notes
Note
hello, suds :D
i come with six ships for the shipping bingo card (pick and choose which ones you want to do): c!dreamnoblade, c!dreamza, c!awesamdrunz, c!aswesamdream, c!awesampunz, c!drunz (for the first two you can also use the bingo card from here (https://www.tumblr.com/sunshine-in-a-bottle/764332055865835520)
I am frothing at the mouth. God you are being so nice to me right now and letting me be insane. I appreciate you so much.
DNB^. I did both because of course I did. I love your template I Needed To Use It.
DNB obviously got a lot more for the second bingo than the first because they are objectively the healthiest possible pairing you can get here. Look at them. Theyre perfect for each other. Theyre narrative foils, theyre parallels going in opposite directions but forever side by side in their path. It would have to be a very specific universe for them to even BEGIN to be able to make each other worse.
I know because of the way things worked it couldn't be called something canon, but in a world where the DSMP was made in a different medium, DNB would have been an excellent endgame for both of their characters. It maximizes their healing. They both get to be understood at a fundamental level, and seek comfort that they just wouldn't be able to get from other people.
Techno gets to take care of someone who really needs that care, someone who laughs at his jokes and finds him funny, someone who is rewarding to try and make laugh, because god knows Dream tries so hard to be insurmountable. Dream gets that personal attention he so desperately needs without being enabled or placated, or shut down for expressing clear boundaries. Literally my only gripe with the pairing is that its so healthy that I can't go batshit insane about problematic behavior like I like to do.
But honestly the yearning can be so intense that it makes up for anything else. My god can these two yearn, quietly but intently.
Dreamza^. By god this is the greatest crack rarepair to have ever existed in the history of ever.
Its so incredibly unlikely to happen just because of how canon went, but they have so much hidden potential as both a character study and for Shenanigans. They're both admins. They meet for the first time because Philza broke into Dream's server. Philza's son has made Dream's life miserable. Dream is like a younger version of Philza in all the confidence and control and burgeoning power that leaves Philza with both a sense of deja vu but also makes him feel like he's back in the old days, when things were a little less complicated. Dream is reckless and has no self preservation, but even if he has the skill to back it up, Philza still can't help but want to watch his back. Dream's trust is fragile and intense and hard-earned, and doesn't it feel good to earn it? To see this silly young man who endures the world feel safe to reach out a hand to Philza and let Philza take it?
Also the AU concept of Dream being an insane coder with no training VS Philza who actually knows what he's doing and is fascinated and horrified by how Dream runs the server is funny, okay?
Also Kristen can watch them fuck, no notes.
^Awesamdrunz. Listen. Listen. I experience mental illness. I'm going directly to super hell. There's so many things wrong with them, and with anyone else this would go terribly but somehow they make it work. This is somehow the healthiest relationship they could achieve. They can make each other so much worse in some ways (excusing each others crimes) but they could also make each other so much better in others (Dream heals, Sam is redeemed, Punz feels less alone.) I read 100 fics about them and they were all my own. I too want to be an evil necromancer who is consistently loafed on and gets self care.
I didn't mark "I wish more people would ship them" because honestly I'm pretty content with the amount of people who do ship them already. This ship is one part porn, one part crack, one part angst, and three parts kidnapping, I'm not expecting everyone in the fandom to turn around and go THERE IT IS. THE SHIP OF ALL TIME when its such a specific flavor of insanity and doesn't have a ton of canon merit. I like being able to bother my friends about it, and everyone who wants to sit with me on tumblr and ao3 and rotate it with me is nice and good. This feels comfortable.
^Awesamdream. I had to take a break from writing this and came back wondering "why didn't I put that they were perfect for each other." maybe it was for Torture in Prison reasons??? Maybe I was thinking about how they aren't a ship that is perfect in a healthy sort of way, theyre both so mentally ill about each other from prison after all, and Sam's control issues don't naturally blend with Dream's control issues.
But I kind of don't mind that they aren't perfect for each other? I don't think they need to fit like a glove, weaving in and out of each other and completely complimenting the other. Their hands don't fit perfectly- if its post prison, especially, since Dream's lacking a couple fingers- and Dream steps on Sam's feet when they dance. But it feels good to write them a little messy, a little fucked up, but still able to Be Good to each other, Sam towards Dream especially. Not healthy, but happy.
(admittedly, I had to write them like that myself for the most part when I first joined the fandom. Most of what Awesamdream was at the time was torture porn and angst, because YKnow, Prison, but I really wanted to explore them Being Happy and wasn't sure where to start. I'm really grateful for the dreblr discord server for giving me a place to write a lot of my early fics for them.)
^SamPunz. Do you understand how delightful these two are? Do you understand The Vibes that they give when they're together. Listen I'm rapidly running out of braincells but I love to imagine just. In the CKAU the way that Punz fundamentally changes Sam for the better by forcibly instilling boundaries that Dream can't instill on his own.
The way that Punz is so misanthropic, so distrusting of people and so angry at the world and at Sam for what he did. Punz isn't sure they want to believe Sam's capable of change, because in their mind it would be so much easier to kill him and be done with it.
But Dream wants and hopes that Sam can be better if they just try, so Punz is forced to Not Kill As A First Solution. Punz is forced to deal with the an absolute travesty of a creeper. Punz goes from "humanity can't be saved lets kill the server and everything on it and becomes gods" to "actually people might be able to change and become better. I don't like having feelings about this. I don't like having to reckon with my own humanity. Goddamn it Sam."
Listen I'm just rotating Punz pushing Sam against the wall, holding the Communication Knife to his throat, and threatening him. Sam is trying very hard not to find this extremely attractive. He is failing.
I need them to fuck.
#suds asks#suds soapbox#my writing#I'm honestly too tired to write paragraphs for Drunz (I got a covid booster and its kicking my ass) but like#honestly I don't think that anything I could say would be something that someone hasn't already said#Maybe I'll write a really long rant about them when I'm not exhausted#just know that I love them and adore them#and I hug you so much
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hello carrot I have a first Page of a book that im reading could you tell me it its interesting???
Chapter 1
----------------
Marco
"Dad, I'm going now!" I waved to my dad and I headed out the door. My dad said something but I didn't hear him. My shoes clanked as I walked to the bus stop. I moved from Texas to California last month during summer break, which I didn't really mind. I mean living near my abusive mom wasn't the best thing so I'm glad we moved.I still remember the day my dad saved me from her. "Marco!" my mom yelled. "Come here you little shit!" My footsteps clanked through the house as I ran to my mother. As I got to her I felt a sharp smack. Her hand hit my cheek and I stood in shock. My feet shaked as I didn't know what I did. Was I too noisy with my friends? Did I forget to do the laundry? "W-what did I do mother?" My breath came out shaky and I felt tears forming in my eyes. "Your stupid father wants to take full right custody of you" my heart skipped a beat. I could be free. I COULD BE FREE! Only after she saw the joy in my eyes she raised her palm again and the tears from the earlier attack finally sprung out. The only thing I remember is my dad picking me up and enrolling me in this school and he told me that I was safe with him. The court is happening early December but I do not mind. I didn't really have friends at my old school, not that I plan to have any friends but also I heard that there was better education in Cally than Texas. I'm a junior in High school so basically I just need to not talk to anyone or do anything embarrassing and I should be good to go. Right as I hit the bus stop that smelled like drugs and smoke and yet nothing of the sorts was there the bus stop was heavily graffitied and it looked putried as I kept walking. I bumped into someone. Just my fucking luck. "Aw, man I'm sorry!" I looked at the person who I bumped into and my jaw dropped.
What stood in front of me might as well have been the hottest man on the planet. His blue eyes and dark brown hair weakened my knees, and his scent? Oh god! He smelled like honey and spices, and oh god it was addicting. I think that I have never seen a man that beautiful. "It's okay..." I blushed and I tried to hide my face with my beanie. "No seriously, let me make it up to you" the boy said. "You only bumped into me... it's all right" I tried saying because he didn't do anything horrible he just bumped into me. "I guess, and whait! I haven't seen you here before, are you new?" "yea I just moved from Texas..." I mumbled trying to hide my face even further. "Aww man that must suck! I'k tell you what, you can sit at my table if you want, my friends won't mind. Oh! Also my name is Mattholomule but my friends call me Matt" he smiled brightly. I feel trapped like a mosquito in a jak or like a fly hitting the window over and over again. I couldn't tell him no. because for god's sake I was attracted to him and he was just so sweet. I lifted my head, put my beanie in a normal way and I nodded and smiled. "Sounds good, and thank you Matt. I'm Marco" I know this will be a bad decision, I mean I don't even know this dude but... it could also be... rewarding. After I said that the bus arrived.
Do not steal!!!
did you mean "writing" and not "reading"? because it doesn't really make sense you'd share something with me that you're reading 🤣
and this is lovely! i'm not, uh... really any kind of critic, so i'm not entirely sure what to say LOL but i'm glad that you're having fun writing your own story! the only advice i might give would be that things happen quite quickly one after another, so i might try to slow the pacing down a bit? to give us more glimpses of each character and their personalities and the setting. but the setup is certainly very interesting!! i wish you the best of luck on your writing journey
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
I'm using Google Translate to write this, if there's any error that's the reason.
Helloo, I hope you are well 🤍 I have a question that comes to my mind all the time but I didn't know exactly where to find that answer, so why not ask someone more experienced? hehe
I started studying about witchcraft, gods/goddesses and the like a while ago, but it's really only been theory, since because of my parents I still can't practice freely. Do you think there are ways for me to start this journey now, or do you think it would be more appropriate for me to wait?
I would love to start worshiping a specific Goddess that caught my attention and really had an impact on me. Would I be able to do this discreetly? 😭
Thank you for your timee 🤍
Hi! Sorry if I took a bit too long to answer, I hadn't seen the notification 😅
Answering your question: Yes, you can start now if you wish, but that will come with limitations. If you think it's too hard, frustrating, or dangerous to practice "undercover", then it may be best to wait.
There are a lot of tools and excuses for the undercover witch:
Crystals: "I find them beautiful/ they bring me peace/ it's decorative"
Deity imagery: "I really liked this artwork/I like X mythology a lot/ it's decorative"
Altars: they can be very hard to lie about. Buy you can have a portable altar, or a box altar. Plus, they don't need to be fancy at all. Virtual altars are also an option!
As for limitations, these often include:
Not being able to light candles and incenses.
Alternatives: fake electric candles, rbg lights, essential oils and other fragrances.
Elaborate rituals are hard
Alternatives: be simple and practical. Prayers and visualization are your best friends. Do your stuff while your parents are away or sleeping.
Resources can be scarce
Alternatives: be creative so that you can improvise. You can get a lot of mundane items and give them magical/sacred properties. As for deity offerings, stick to "simple but meaningful". If it's edible, you can eat it in ritual or after you're done with your prayers (depends on deity and culture – do your research)
I personally think worshipping a deity is easier to do discretely than doing witchcraft. Worshipping can be just a prayer, sharing a cup of tea with your deity and doing devotional acts in their honor. It can be as simple or complex as you like. It's a very intimate thing between you and the deity.
Witchcraft may require more "materials" depending on how you plan to do things and some of your stuff can really give you away. That's just my personal opinion though.
Over half the time I've been a pagan witch, I was doing it all in secret. My parents were into spirituality, but it wasn't until like.. 3 years ago that they started to be more open-minded about religions other than their own. In their mind pagan gods didn't exist and witchcraft was dangerous (even though they did it themselves, they just did not see it that way).
I was lucky I could get away with lighting candles and incenses, but living in a very busy household I felt like I really couldn't do most of what I wanted. It was hard, and frustrating. But I still kept my deities close to heart and did what I could.
With all that being said, here are some questions for you to ask yourself, to help you decide what you want to do:
Is it dangerous to get caught? If your family is extremely intolerant to the point where it can be dangerous for you, then waiting until you're more independent is probably better.
Are you okay with having limited resources?
Are you okay with hiding stuff?
Are you ready to deal with your parents if they they find out?
Could you answer their questions calmly and within reason?
I sincerely hope I was able to answer your question and give you some insight ❤️
Living in the "broom closet" has its challenges, but it can be equally rewarding.
Remember you can always start small, and if you feel it won't work out, you call it off until you're ready.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Warning: really long wordy and idk how coherent rant ahead. Proceed with caution lmao
I don't even know how to start my rant but here goes. I haven't been using Tumblr for very long, but it has been incredible. I've met a lot of cool people, and learned a lot of cool things about myself. But I hate how the cycle of dysphoria seems to work. It is so exhausting. When I started my account I still went by he/him everywhere, I even said that in my bio or whatever. The longer I stuck around though, and the more I enjoyed the sapphic side of Tumblr the more I wished it applied to me? And at first I dipped my toes in by removing the masc signifiers and letting people draw their own conclusions. And when someone called me a girl for the first time? That was a strange experience. The longer it went on though the more I realized that it seemed right. I got more comfortable with my spot and didn't feel like I was "lying" to people or invading a place that wasn't for me. Cuz even when I would tell people they were cool with it? (Because obviously, almost everyone in my circle here is trans of course they get it.)
And everything about that is fantastic! But I've realized as soon as I made that step, the first time someone treated me like a girl... I changed. All the little things that I thought I was ok with are suddenly excruciating. I had sexted with someone with ease, but showing my face when I had some stubble? Unthinkable. And my voice, dear God my voice. It felt like I would shatter the "illusion" or something. Even if I disclosed to people ahead of time. There was no secret.
The real problem though is what has happened irl. I've always been a bit of a shut in (not by choice, situation), but I haven't spoken to any of my friends in days. Normally I'm in chat everyday at least for a minute. The thought of going and being Him for a bit when I could instead be my little trans self on Tumblr? Eww. So I just don't join. These are people who know I'm trans! I just haven't changed how I identify to them or whatever.
Everytime I start to think about it I'm just so overwhelmed. I told two people to refer to me differently and even that has crushed me. And I haven't even interacted with them since! I don't know if I'm more scared that I won't like it...or that I will. It will just be one more thing on my fucking to do list. I need to find some more queer people to hang with irl cuz it has been so rewarding, but just too distant I feel like I'm going insane. I simultaneously have the closest connection I've ever felt with a community and yet am crippled by the weight of the loneliness.
I've opened Pandora's box, and I was not prepared for it. I was a lurker on Reddit! I was just trying to be horny damn it. I wanted to bust a nut and chat with cute people for once so maybe I could stop being so inexperienced and now I've lost the comfort of my situation. I knew in the back of my head I was going to do all of these steps at some point probably but I NEED MORE TIME. I have to wait for eight different kinds of appointments before I can even think about it increasing my hrt because of my health conditions and some of them feel so far away.
And if I want to go to someone for comfort (which is already something I struggle so hard with!) There are always roadblocks. The people on Tumblr who I feel I could reach out to can only give me so much, it's over the internet. It is a great supplement to relationships but can only go so far without lots of work around. The people irl? Most of them don't even know about any of this and aren't in the know about queer stuff so I'd have to talk and explain so much. And the people I fully came out to? I'm not ready to face the emotions of them referring to me differently. And all of these have solutions mainly, but the issue. They all take work. And I'm exhausted. And I'm so upset. I don't want to do it. Right now at least. I just need some more time I'm getting there and figuring things out but I need more time.
Even posting this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm being overly dramatic. Which is silly, cuz if someone else felt this way I wouldn't even dream of anything but to give em a hug and let them cry it all out. I feel like I've stopped existing in the real world. Ive always struggled with dissociation but this is a whole other level. (Also people who are faking something don't typically question themselves lmao. That's just imposter syndrome.)
This was always one of my biggest fears when it came to transition. That I would be right. That it would flip a switch and make me miserable the moment I saw the other side. And I know it would get better. But until that tunnel breaks it would be unbearable.
And maybe I will feel better tomorrow. But even that sounds like forever away right now. I need a hug.
19 notes
·
View notes