#wilfriede

[lilolilyr]

Bernie Wolfe x Serena Campbell (Holby City)

Summary:

After moving back to Holby, divorcing her husband and working odd hours, Bernie feels incredibly lonely in the time between Christmas and the New Year. She decides to take some time off to find herself and have fun...

As she goes out to a gay club one night, Bernie gets more than she had expected, but she definitely isn't complaining!

Stats: 3k words, rated E, no warnings

Podfic Length: ~20 Minutes

It was made for @summerpodficswap 2024, a wonderful event that I also had fun making some podfics for!

~~~ continue reading ~~~

The wonderful @wilfriede made a Podfic of one of my Berena fics! :D I love it, it's great adsfghjkl thank you so much! <3

The original text version of the fic can be found here. I was prompted to write it by @slightlyintimidating - maybe you'll enjoy the podfic too!

Thank you for the cover art @die-schwanenkoenigin, it looks amazing! <3

[kbirbpods]

kbirb's Voiceteam 2024 (belated) - The Locked Tomb

1. [Podfic of] the choiceless hope in grief by carboncopies, jacks_long_coat, voiced by (kbirb), with (olive2read), with (wilfriede0815), fic by Raxheim

Ships: Gideon/Harrow, Harrow & Ianthe Length: 00:18:30 | Before she makes herself forget, Harrow creates River Bubbles trying to get Gideon to stay Note: a multivoice I participated in in which we each did a scene from the fic! I read the meta data & first scene ❤

2. [Podfic of] bad idea, right? by carboncopies, v0lumnius, voiced by (kbirb), with (olive2read), with (wilfriede0815), fic by arithmonym

Challenge: Cold Read Ships: Dulcinea/Palamedes, Cam & Pal, Cam & Gideon Length: 00:12:08 | Dulcie and Palamedes are in the Situationship of All Time™️, and dyke drama follows Camilla wherever she goes. | Modern AU, texting fic Note: a multivoice I participated in voicing my girl Camilla Hect ❤

3. [Podfic of] She Carpaled My Tunnels, fic by Red Eyes Black Scythe (VisceraNight)

Challenge: Present! for @v0lumnius Ships: Harrow & Ianthe, Mercymorn & Ianthe Length: 00:02:11 | Ianthe complains to Harrow about Mercymorn's teaching methods. | Mentor Swap AU

4. [Podfic of] Oh my Jod they were roommates!, fic by @naryrising [Nary]

Challenge: Present! for carboncopies Length: 00:02:11 | Oops All Lyctors! AU

5. [Podfic of] The lamp of love (Bring me to life), fic by @spaceoperafeerie [gloss]

Challenge: Present! for @wilfriede Ships: Gideon/Harrow, Camilla & Gideon Length: 00:26:01 | Regency AU. Dashing rake Gideon succumbs to the pleas of a very intriguing ghost.

6. [Podfic of] Fresh Start, fic by EleenaDume

Challenge: Bechdel Test Ships: Camilla & Gideon Length: 00:16:42 | Gideon meets Camilla. | College AU

[theriverbeyond]

Thank you for your pool scene reblog spree. It's so good to see some of my favorite fanart pieces again. And to find masterpieces I'd never seen before. Thank you for your service :D

sdfjhsdkjfhksjdh THANK U!!! and honestly same. Pool scene draws are truly some of my favorite fan arts

[chainofclovers]

I love This is How You Lose the Time War, so I'm just here here to tell you that I'm delighted that you read it, too :D

Yaaaay! It's such a great book; so glad you loved it too. My book club read it and there were many different opinions, which always makes for such a fun discussion!

[ekingston]

What is the plant vlog au?

that post made me think “haha no doubt. btw im supergirl”

it’s this one: in which lena and kara have BOTH been chatting with a celebrity online without realizing

[sapphicscholar]

If you don't mind sharing, what are your thoughts as an educator on the Sudowrite and art AI issue?

Oh for sure! Brief answer since I’m on mobile but essentially I worry about how much they seem designed to undercut not just assessments (e.g. they can churn out a technically plagiarism free essay) but also the learning goals of classes (e.g. in being able to auto generate a more easily comprehensible version of any text they’re undermining my attempts to teach students critical reading skills with what can be, yes, sometimes dense secondary scholarship!). I try to vary my assessment types, recognizing that all my students have different areas where they excel and areas where they struggle, but I also worked in the academic integrity office for long enough to care and think a lot about creating assessments that don’t put students in a position where cheating seems easy and/or necessary. The AI bot seems poised to make cheating easy for a variety of my preferred assignment types (i.e., ones that don’t only reward students who are good on the spot in exam settings). So basically I’m just preemptively worrying about what teaching will look like as someone who can simultaneously appreciate the value of a tool that helps make things more readily approachable and comprehensible to a wide audience but also get nervous about what nuances might get lost in translation and about students who may struggle even more with understanding the necessity in and value of learning to sit with what can be tricky, dense texts. (I actually teach a whole essay “Gender Trouble on Mother’s Day” about the value of those texts and what we can get from something even before we can understand all of it, and I feel like now I’m gonna be leaning on that article to do more labor than ever!!)

[karalovesallthegirls]

Shout out to the podficcers of fandom holy cow!!!! I am overwhelmed. Y'all create such incredible labors of love it's lowkey unreal.

I especially wanna shout out Wilfriede who has created so many podfics for the supergirl fandom, including ones of my own fics. What a cool thing it is to take a work you love and bring it into an entirely different form of existence, to make it more accessible. I am delighted and honored every time I get a notification of a podfic coming into existence. Thank you SO much for the work you do. Everybody needs to go support their whole team because holy cow are they creating cool things Y'all check out the incredible podfics Wilfriede has done of my work:

I hope you're happy! (Look at her, she's wicked!)

2. you gotta keep your head up

3. Only a matter of mime

[hp-podfic-mini-fest]

HP Podfic Minifest round up

That’s a wrap for the 2024 minifest! We hope you have enjoyed the variety of audio works that have been revealed over the past two weeks. Thanks to all of our wonderful creators for participating and submitting their works under our banner, and thanks as well to all the listeners who got excited about them!

Here's the full list of works from this year's minifest:

The Morning Doesn’t Reach Us, written by @jennandblitz and read by @itsaash (4h, Sirius/Remus)

Lady BloodPure’s Society Papers, written by @the-francakes and read by @cailynwrites (1h28m, Neville/Pansy)

Killing and Other Mundane Activities, written by @venom0usbarbie and read by @bluestringpudding (57m, Hermione/Bellatrix)

What I thought, written by @bafflinghaze and read by @sweatersinthesummer (50m, Harry/Draco)

The Dogs of Valdivia, written by tereyaglikedi and read by nockout (45m, Viktor Krum & Hermione Granger)

Prime Cut, written by @provocative-envy and read by @blackestglass, @cailynwrites, @cosmiconfliction, @greenmegsnoham, kitsunerei88, Literarion, @lumosatnight, StrixXīnXiǎng, @wilfriede (38m, Hermione/Scabior)

He Follows, written by nockout and read by @blue--dreaming (23m, Narcissa/Tom Riddle)

I Fall On Grass, written by @tackytigerfic and read by @lastontheboat (18m, Harry/Draco)

Fluffy Snunggles, written and read by @siobhanhazel (16m, Scorpius/Albus Severus)

Vernon's Turn, written by @bessthekraken and read by tereyaglikedi (12m, Vernon Dursley & Harry Potter)

Whole New World, written by @schmem14 and read by @lumosatnight (11m, Narcissa/Lily)

Where the Battle Started, written by albasti and read by nockout (9m, Amelia Bones & Mad-Eye Moody)

Old Obsessions are Hard to Smother, written and read by @elisedonut (6m, Colin Creevey/Percy Weasley)

Together with the waves, could we become happy?, written and read by @elisedonut (4m, Lavender/Fleur/Bill)

Touching Those Petals And Asking For Their Name, written and read by @elisedonut (4m, Sirius/Percy)

With much appreciation and love,

@blue--dreaming and @lastontheboat

your HP Podfic Minifest 2024 mods

[liesmyth]

All your TLT posting is making me questioning if I should try it.. The only thing i'm worried is that I don't want to start a series and then finding out in the third bookthat the author made the antiheroic genderbent mao protagonist throw the metaphorical atomic bomb on the japanese because the author is an american descendent of a Chang Kai Shek general and wanted to absolve the yankees to grant herself a career (it worked greatly). So should i still try TLT as an olde commie? Love your blog btw, please continue reblog all those TLT fan art they look great! Thanks!

whew lowkey glad I couldn't get past the first book in that other series. anyway *clears throat*

If you like LESBIANS, Locked Tomb is the fandom for you. If you like BONES and FAILWOMEN and ARE ANGRY AT GOD, Locked Tomb is the fandom for you. If you like BAD JOKES and SHITTY MEMES, we have those in spades. If you love EXCELLENT FANART and DIVORCES that last TEN THOUSAND YEARS and LOCKED ROOM MURDER MYSTERIES, if you think EVIL COUGARS are SEXY, if you think PLUTO totally COUNTS as a PLANET, Locked Tomb is the fandom for you!!!!

[here's the rest of the tlt manifesto on ao3, podficced by @/wilfriede ]

On a serious note! I think TLT is definitely informed by leftist politics, and it has many themes that lend themselves to juicy interpretations on top of a really meaty worldbuilding and characterisation. Also the fanart SLAPS. And if you read the books you can check out my fics which, not to brag, are some of the weirdest I've ever written! featuring such tropes as: "bodyswapped man sucks his own dick" "vagina dentata" "ritual sex to have a baby during a mass death event" "in-universe academia" and "orphan girl meets her parents for the first time and they suck"

tldr please read the locked tomb <3

[lady-harrowhark]

Would you mind. Explaining what the heck the locked tomb (is this the name?) is about. You post a lot of it and I know ✨ nothing ✨ but it sounds kinda interesting??? Into dumping is ok if you feel like lol

I would LOVE to explain what The Locked Tomb is and you DID get the name right and it IS interesting!

So, it's a book series written by Tamsyn Muir and three of the anticipated four books have been released so far. I say "anticipated four books" because it was originally a trilogy but then the last book was split up. I don't think any of us would mind if that happened again and it turned into a five book series. But I digress.

These books are notoriously hard to describe because they sort of encompass or transcend genres. It's a sci-fi fantasty horror murder mystery romcom situation. Plus, there's a LOT going on - I've often described them as an "intellectual escape room." There's so much happening that you don't realize is happening until it all comes together. Going back to the beginning after you've finished them is an entirely different experience than your first read because you can see how it was all laid out from the start - sometimes even in plain sight - and things take on completely different meanings. Also, each book is very different from the others. I adore all of these qualities.

So here's the gist of the premise for the first book:

Gideon Nav, orphan of mysterious origins, has been raised on the Ninth House as an indentured servant and trained as a swordswoman. The Ninth House has become isolated from the rest of the empire and its very existence is threatened by the dwindling population and lack of resources. Gideon is one of only two survivors of her generation, the other children having succumbed to a lethal illness when she was an infant. The other survivor is Harrowhark Nonagesimus, the Reverend Daughter of the Ninth, and the two have been at each other's throats their entire lives. Harrow's parents' deaths have been hidden from the rest of the Ninth (save for Gideon and a few of the Reverend Family's attendants) and Harrow has been secretly ruling in their stead for the past seven years, doing her best to keep the Ninth from falling into ruin. Harrow is a prodigious necromancer, specializing in working with bones. The Ninth receives a message from the Emperor requesting that each House send their heir and cavalier primary (a.k.a swordsman/bodyguard) to his home at the First House, where they are to attempt to piece together the process to becoming a Lyctor, one of his immortal Saints. Unfortunately, Harrow's cavalier has skipped town. Gideon begrudgingly accepts a deal meaning that she will pose as Harrow's cavalier in exchange for freedom from servitude. Upon arriving at the First House, the two meet the other Houses' heirs and their cavaliers and are informed that they will have to figure out the secret to Lyctorhood on their own, and that there will absolutely no communication with the outside empire. It's not long before someone turns up dead... and then another...

What immediately hooked me on the first book was the voice and tone; Gideon is a delightfully snarky narrator. Despite the humor, these books do not pull any punches with regard to emotional depth. Love and grief are at the center of everything these books do, circled by sacrifice and duty and gender and colonialism and religion.

This review is actually one of my favorite things to send to people to pitch them the books. It does a fantastic job of conveying both the premise and the tone of Gideon the Ninth. I also wrote a "pitch your fandom" piece that @wilfriede recorded and recently released. You can find both the audio and the transcript at this link.

I hope that gives you a sense of the series, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about the series that permanently altered my brain chemistry! If you ever get around to reading them, I would love to hear your thoughts :)

[starquestingfordrarry]

My Shit, Master List

(it's all drarry)

Fics

Over 10k

Simulation Theory | E | 35k

An offer to test out a new invention for Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes turns into a whole lot more when Harry discovers who has the other part of the paired set.

With Love in Her Luminous Eyes | T | 30k includes art by myself and ItsPhantasmagoria

The Demiguise lived in Grimmauld Place, and she lived all alone.

Half Sick of Shadows | E | 39.7k

Harry and Draco have been sleeping together for months, and it's fine. It's enough for Harry. But when things finally start to feel like the more Harry's been hoping for, a strange tapestry project has him worrying he won't ever get the chance. Or: the one with sheep, dragons, and a whole lot of weaving metaphors.

Of easy wind and downy flake | E | 14k | gift for ItsPhantasmagoria

It’s snowing in July, and it’s Malfoy’s fault. Or, the one where the house wants the boys to kiss.

Strange Entanglements (the particles of us) | E | 15.3k | gift for wilfriede

Harry and Draco are colleagues, buried in their own sub-sections of the Department of Mysteries. When Draco's career-making experiment goes terribly wrong, they end up far closer than either could have imagined.

People Are Boring | E | 14.3k | Dronarry

“Alright, what’s your terrible news?” Draco braces himself on Harry’s desk. “Weasley’s hot.” “You’ll have to be more specific, there are a lot of hot Weasleys.” Draco makes a strangled, groaning sound in his throat. “The Weasley. Weasel. Weasel-by. Your Weasley.” Harry’s heart jumps to his throat, and his stomach drops to his shoes. “Ron’s back?”

Under 10k

Measure My Lordship With Thine Vulgar Aye | M | 1k

Draco buys some Muggle magnets for the office.

Round Robin: Mud, Bath & Beyond (chapter 5) | E | 7.2k

Draco and Harry are up to something on a Muggle Studies field trip (to a field).

Draco L Malfoy (the L stands for legs) | E | 1.8km | gift for NoxNoir

Harry could spend the rest of his life in the embrace of Draco Malfoy’s legs. If he was lucky, he would.

We Don't Have Thanksgiving, Potter, But You're Still Getting Stuffed | E | 1.6k

Harry stuffs the turkey, Draco stuffs Harry

His Favorite Word | T | 0.2k | gift for minty_petals

Harry has a new favorite word

Eyes All Aglow | G | 3.4k

Sequel to With Love in Her Luminous Eyes. Lenore's first Christmas.

Lover, Tempt My Vow | G | 1.2k

Draco has something to ask. Sequel to Measure My Lordships With Thine Vulgar Aye

Your Hot Hands | E | 7.5k

Draco always wanted to know where Harry Potter disappeared to. This is not what he expected.

'Neath Arbor Eaves | E | 3k

Harry and Draco are stranded in the Forbidden Forest. What horrors lurk in the shadows?

both lips on the mirror | E | 4.1k

Harry doesn't mean to watch Malfoy masturbate

Art

Drawtober 2023 | E | Digital

Drawings done in October following the prompts from boshspice's boshhptober2023 (most of them are combined because I have poor time management skills)

I couldn't convince myself to turn you away | T | Digital | gift for arminaa

inspired by Within You Without You

to the sundered earth | G | Digital | gift for apricitydays

inspired by Once More to Arcady

Muggle Studies, Lesson 1: Recreation | G | Digital | gift for Inheartofwinter

Harry takes Draco to a muggle amusement park

Phallus impudicus | E | Digital | gift for DodgerKedavra

On a foraging trip through a fall forest, Harry finds a bountiful harvest

Branta canadensis | G | Digital | for FellyTone

Harry protects Draco from a killer goose

Drawtober 2024 | E | Digital

Drawings done in October 2024 following boshspice's prompts

Drarry Sketchbook 2024 | E | Digital

collection of various drarry drawings, ranging from sweet to naughty

[lilolilyr]

Hi there :) Could I record your Hacks story "Reminiscence" as a podfic? (Of course you'd get full credit as the author. I'd post it on AO3 using the Inspired By option.)

Hi! Yes, absolutely, that would be so cool!

Thanks for asking first, I do have fics that I want to make my own podfics of, but I don't have any plans for that one :) have fun recording, I'll definitely give it a listen when you upload!

The fic update: the podfic

[kbirbpods]

[Podfic Link] | Length: 10 minutes

Original Work: For the Warden, From Camilla by friendoftheJabberwock

The Locked Tomb: Camilla Hect & Palamedes Sextus | Rating: G

Summary: 

C. Hect obtains an ancient artifact with a very serious purpose.

Notes: recorded in March 2024 for @wilfriede

[die-schwanenkoenigin]

Dare Me to Tell You the Truth

Ava desperately wants to get Deborah to play Truth or Dare with her. Deborah tries to resist.

[cover art by me]

It's here! My first ever collaboration with another creator as well as my first podfic project!!

Thank you, lovely @wilfriede, for asking me to do the @pod-together event with you! You did such a great job guiding me through the entire process, offering help, answering questions, and providing resources.

I had a blast writing the fic, and I had just as much fun recording it with you. Honestly. Thank you, again, for letting me do this with you. You are an amazing podficcer, and I truly couldn't have asked for a better partner for this. ☺️

To read the fic and/or listen to our podfic, just head on over to our work on AO3 :)

[harryglots]

HarryGlots 2024: Masterlist

Hey! We’ve made it to the end of the 2024 edition 💪 Before we move onto the masterlist, I want to say thank you to everyone who participated in the fest, either as a writer, artist, beta or a reader. We’ve got a diverse collection of works in 6 different languages, and I hope you all enjoyed the chance to use a language other than English.

Most of the works were created in French (5) and German (4), then we have Spanish (2) and lone languages such as Polish, Japanese or Latin. We’ve also got six podfics, five of them created by one podficcer who deserves a round of applause 👏

And now let’s see the masterlist!

French:

Comment te dire Adieu by Wekake

Mauvaise Idée by Akhmaleone

[Podfic of] guirlandes lumineuses by @wilfriede

Pris dans la toile by @pouik

Un jour, mon prince viendra by @sybilevergreen

German:

[Podfic of] Wichsvorlage by @wilfriede

Tempus Gratiae by CharlotteRhea - a Podfic by @cailynwrites

[Podfic of] Scheiss auf Magie im Besonderen by @wilfriede

Das Goldene im Gewitter by delfinestria

[Podfic of] toujours by @wilfriede

Spanish:

[Podfic of] The Tiniest of Details [Traducción] by @wilfriede

Te Voy a Extrañar by Nena-96

Latin:

Basiationes Non Latebrosae (Kisses Not Hidden or the Wolfstar Latin Fic) by @thistlecatfics

Japanese:

金継ぎ by @siobhanhazel

Polish:

białe motyle by @girl-with-goats

And that’s it! The fest will also be back for the next year, so stay tuned and keep the blog in your orbit 🫶

All the love,

Prim (@girl-with-goats)

[ekingston]

A chef!AU, maybe? In any case, a story in which Kara and Lena meet through one of them preparing/serving/etc food for the other and build their relationship based on that.

(also on ao3.)

“I’m telling you, Alex. It’s her.”

At three pm on a Tuesday their restaurant is characteristically dead, save for the one lone customer Kara is spying on from behind the kitchen doors. The woman is perched, a little perilously, on a barstool at the counter. It’s the one that’s closest to their register, the one with the wobbly leg that Alex keeps telling Kara to fix. One of her red-soled heels is dangling from an impatiently bouncing left foot.

“This is the fourth time this week she’s come in here,” Kara says. “You don’t think that’s just a little bit suspicious?”

Alex shrugs, fully committed to her task of mincing onions. “Maybe she’s just a big fan of Italian food.”

“No way,” Kara says. “No woman who looks like that would put something in her mouth that wasn’t clearly marked gluten-free and vegan. Give me your phone.”

Alex rolls her eyes dramatically as she elbows it over. “Tell me again how you’re totally over Siobhan.”

“Oral sex isn’t a moral issue!” Kara takes a decisive breath while she unlocks her sister’s phone with practiced ease. “Whatever. Water under the bridge.”

“Uh-huh.”

“A love for pasta also doesn't explain why I heard this woman answer a call yesterday with a different name than the one that’s on her credit card,” Kara points out, before snapping a quick picture through the porthole window.

“Okay, now you’re being creepy,” Alex says.

“Shut up,” Kara tells her. “I’m texting Winn.”

Kara eyes the woman at the counter while she waits for his reply. The subject of her suspicion—Lena, she’d called herself on the phone; Tess Mercer, it had said on her mastercard—twists a soft-looking lock of dark hair around her finger as she studies their menu. The way the sunlight sets it ablaze almost makes Kara take a second picture, purely for its artistic merit.

Alex dabs at her onion-induced tears with the cuff of her sleeve. “Let it go, Kara,” she sighs.

“Let it go? Let it—” Kara whirls back to face her, throwing her hands up in frustration. “Do you want The Tower to end up like Winn and James’ steakhouse? Or are you fine with getting swindled by this—this… villain?”

“Of course not.” Alex looks at her like she’s stupid. “But even if this woman is your so-called ‘food influencer’, what do you suggest we do about it? It’s not as if we can bully her into giving us a fair review.”

Kara squares her jaw and sets her fists firmly on her hips. “No,” she declares, her tone grim. “But we can teach her a little about journalistic integrity.” She blows at a lock of hair that’s fallen in her face. “And also, possibly, credit card fraud.”

Alex narrows her eyes at her. “Kara,” she warns, putting down her knife. Her voice is low and cautious, as if she’s talking to the rowdy raccoon that moved into their dumpster three weeks ago instead of to her baby sister. “Let’s just take a breath and think about this for a m—”

Kara is already gone, the doors to the kitchen swinging closed behind her. Sliding into the cluttered space behind the counter, she crosses her arms and then drops her elbows on the bar, leaning what she belatedly realizes is probably a little too close to her adversary. She’s close enough to make out the individual downy hairs on her chin and the lines in her painted lips, which are still pursed thoughtfully in what Kara is sure would look like an attractive pout to someone who didn’t know any better.

But Kara knows so much better.

“Let me guess,” she remembers to get out, much less biting than originally intended. “Today you’ll be having the fifth entrée down the list.”

As soon as their eyes meet over the miniscule amount of space left between them, Kara knows leaning in was a fatal mistake. Her nemesis blinks up at her with wide, startled eyes that remind Kara of the glass pebbles she finds on the beach on her morning walks, not-quite-blue and not-quite-green, and for a moment Kara’s brain sputters out as if someone abruptly turned off the flames that kept it cooking.

But the woman recovers fast, like the scheming scoundrel that she is. She guiltily shutters her eyes behind thick, charcoal lashes, and Kara’s temper revives at the observation that her enemy isn’t as good of an actress as she thinks she is.

“I’ve actually been thinking of breaking my own rule,” she says, with a smile that lands somewhere between self-deprecating and apologetic. “I may give in and order the same thing you served me yesterday.” Kara goes hot all over with righteous indignation at the rich timbre of the woman’s voice, the almost flirtatious lilt it takes on when she adds, “I haven’t been able to stop dreaming about it.”

Kara pulls back a little in an effort to escape that curious gaze, the enticing scent of the woman’s perfume. It’s sweet enough to drown out even Alex’s mountain of onions. “I know what you’re doing,” she blusters.

The—frankly unfairly beautiful—soulless grifter stares at her, stricken. “I’m—I’m sorry?”

“You should be,” Kara says. “I know who you are.” And then, as if she’s putting down the last card in a game of Uno, “Lena.”

The woman goes very still for a moment, and then the corners of her lips tug down in a bitter semblance of a smile. “I see,” she says. She’s rigid, regal; she’s royalty perched on a wobbly wooden stool. “And am I to assume that’s enough for you to turn down my patronage?”

Kara’s resolve wobbles, too. She hadn’t expected her adversary—Lena, she now knows—to roll over so easily. “Well, yeah, obviously,” she flusters, her energy suddenly too large and lumbering in the face of Lena’s deference. “Winn and James are family.”

“Family.” There’s a flicker of wistfulness in Lena’s voice, before confusion colors her features. “So the cold shoulder,” she says. “It’s personal?”

Kara scoffs. The fraudster doesn’t even remember the names of her latest victims. Typical. “It was their steakhouse that you razed to the ground last month,” Kara reminds her.

Lena blinks at her. “The establishment just up the road?” She raises a critical eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure they set themselves up for failure when they decided to name their restaurant Misteak.”

Kara huffs. Her air quotes are appropriately vicious when she says, “They were doing just fine before your slanderous ‘review’ went viral.”

Lena does a remarkably convincing impression of someone who is genuinely flabbergasted. “I don’t even know what that means.”

“Liar.”

Lena’s shocked laughter is bright but brief. It’s the first time Kara has heard her laugh. It’s maddeningly attractive and deeply annoying.

“Okay,” Lena says. She folds her arms in front of her chest and leans back a little in her seat, unaware of its delicate disposition. A smirk tugs at one corner of her mouth. “Tell me,” she says, her eyes narrowing. “Who do you think I am, exactly?”

Kara leans in close again, refusing to allow Lena to get the upper hand. She’d like to wipe that smirk from Lena’s face—manually, if need be—preferably, even, if it means she’d get to smudge that infuriatingly immaculate lipstick with her thumb—

“You,” Kara charges, in an effort to drown out that unhelpful thought, “are a fraud. You call yourself a ‘mystery food critic’ on TikTok, but really you’re blackmailing businesses into buying a favorable review.”

“Hey, um.” Alex has followed her out of the kitchen, holding her phone. “So. Winn texted back, and he says—”

But Lena laughs again, her guarded posture melting down to unmistakable relief. “I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice a high warble. “That sounds awful. And also extremely illegal. Have you reported this person to the authorities? I can get you in touch with an excellent lawyer, if you’d like.”

Kara doesn’t know if she feels more outraged or confused.

…Or possibly some secret third thing.

“So you’re telling me—” Kara barks out a disbelieving laugh. “You’re saying you’re not her.”

“This, ehm— Tic Tac person?” When Lena’s dark lashes flutter, something in Kara’s chest flutters too. “No.”

Impossible. “Then why have you been in here every day this week?” Kara interrogates, the full force of evidence she’s collected behind it. “When neither one of us has seen you here even once, since we opened?”

Alex rolls her eyes. “I told you I wasn’t sure whether I’d seen her here before,” she points out. “Also, Winn says—”

“Oh please,” Kara scoffs, her eyes fixed on Lena, who has propped her elbows on the counter again, closer now than she’d been the last time their eyes met. “As if you could forget a woman as beautiful as—” Kara’s gaze drops to Lena’s mouth, unbidden, when Lena parts those rude, ruby lips. “...You.”

Alex stares.

Kara swallows.

Lena blinks; two times fast, and then again, after a beat, slow and sticky, her eyes darkening.

“So you may as well come out with it,” Kara croaks out what little remains of her anger. “There’s something you want more than our fettuccine.”

Lena’s cheeks have turned a treacherously charming shade of pink. “I suppose you’re right about that one, at least,” she admits after a beat.

In Kara’s peripheral vision, Alex frantically slides her hand across her throat. Kara frowns at her, telegraphing a wordless what is your problem��but finding no satisfactory answer in the crimson shade her sister’s face has taken on.

“Yeah, well,” she says, almost disappointed, fumbling to fill the space left by Lena’s confession. “I’m telling you right now that it’s never going to happen.”

Alex clears her throat with startling force. “Winn wants to know,” she says, reading from her phone, “Who’s the hot chick?”

When Kara returns her gaze to the woman on the other side of the counter, she gulps. Lena is somehow even closer than she was before. She’s also fully propping herself up now on the laminate surface between them, granting Kara a glimpse of freckled cleavage that in no possible universe could be interpreted as unintentional.

“So,” Lena drawls. “What you’re saying is you’re not going to give me your number?”

Kara’s throat is suddenly very dry.

“Huh?” she manages, but only just barely.

“I was hoping,” Lena says slowly, that maddening smirk once again tugging up the corner of her mouth, “that you’d maybe like to—”

Lena shifts in her seat, crossing her legs in what is bound to become a devastatingly seductive pose, but the barstool decides in exactly that moment that's it’s finally had enough. Lena yelps as it gives out beneath her with a dramatic snap, one of its rickety limps flying across the floor as if celebrating its first taste of freedom, and Kara’s never considered herself to be very quick, but here she is anyway, on the other side of the counter in what feels like less than a second, one hand gripping Lena’s forearm, the other slipping smoothly around her waist.

“—fuck,” Lena gasps up at her. She feels good, in Kara’s hands, slight but pleasantly heavy, like the santoku knife Alex has forbidden Kara from touching ever again. “Well,” Lena says. “That’s. Perhaps not the way I would have phrased it, especially in front of your friend—”

They both glance over at Alex, but she’s disappeared, the swaying of the kitchen doors the only indication she was ever there.

“O-kay,” Kara says.

Lena grins. “Okay?”

Kara mentally rewinds the conversation and feels her ears burn at the realization of what she just agreed to. “I mean,” she amends. “We could, maybe, grab something to eat first?”

Something devious sparks in Lena’s terrifyingly gorgeous face. She glances down at Kara’s arms before blinking back up at her again and smirking. “I thought you already had.”

And, goodness gracious.

Kara is about to be in so much trouble.