#why the fuck do i feel so disconnected
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i havent spoke to any friends directly since the day before yesterday
one reached out to me today say hi and asking how im doing
i realized i havent vented directly to any friends or told them anything thats going on for a while now. i just scream all my problems in posts and then release them into the void. if anyone hears , then it at least makes me feel like there's a hand reaching out to me as i float absently alone in space , drifting away from everybody
the most recent time i vented was the night i came here and cried , wanting my closest friend to talk to me and keep me company because i felt really sad and missed home
i cant bring myself to tell friends anything that's going on directly anymore i dont think. im used to doing what i do here , just whine and complain out loud and if anyone happens to see it , then fine. at least we're drifting away in the emptiness of space together
it really is easier to just tell people im fine. i save them the hassle of listening to me complain about my problems. what do they even gain from it? worry and anxiety about someone's wellbeing? ive been thinking its better for me to just keep it bottled if they ask or if im feeling down. putting on a mask of happiness and saying im ok takes that pressure and need to check on me off of their shoulders. i no longer become an obligation
i dont think i can talk to others anymore. i dont feel here or with everybody or my surroundings. will they even hear me?
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Homicipher MC is very cool and groundbreaking for her trope subversion of "cute weak human mc thrust into a world of monster men" by being a serial killer and a vicious monsterous brute warped by a world she unknowingly made blood sacrifices to and I don't ever want to take away her autonomy BUT there is also something fascinating to me about the concept of her having No memory of killing people and No Idea why she even would in the first place
#homicipher#homicipher mc#the horror of realizing you are Not the victim#of not understanding yourself because there is clear hard evidence that you did these horrible things#there isnt another explination available like posession or coercion and scarletella is proof of that#because he believes mc killed these people FOR him. so its clearly not a manipulation of her causing her to kill#its organic. and I like the idea of her waking up in the other world and slowly learning this and just having NO fucking CLUE why#it would torment her forever especially if she never got back to her world. like. why. what could make her do that. what was the motivation#how was she capable. how did she pick them. what did she use to kill them#she clearly feels comfortable wielding a weapon and using it but thats so different than being capable of pre meditated serial murder#the disconnect she would feel would make it so easy to lose herself
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Stabby stabby time 😌✨
(Original meme audio source can be found via this YouTube video!!)
#once again I’m so bad at putting silly short meme stuff onto my main channel without thinking it’s gonna humiliate me HELP 🥲#l’ll get over it this is my exposure therapy hour#it doesn’t help that I told classmates in college about my YouTube channel and didn’t think about how that would fuck with my anxiety lol#like ‘OH NO WHY DID I DO THAT THEY’LL KNOW I’M CRINGE AND WEIRD NOW’#listen if people can’t tolerate you at your cringiest and you feel like you need to mask around them 24/7 then it’s not worth#you gotta be your authentic self and enjoy your interests regardless of how people view it#trying to people please the masses is only going to wear you out and make you feel disconnected from yourself#‘fuck it we ball’ mentality saves lives tbh#….I don’t know I’m still trying to pep talk myself into it being socially acceptable to post sillies :’)#for now this will be a Tumblr exclusive until I stop being a baby about it✨#(also wouldn’t it be funny if my channel has a running joke of everyone not knowing what Puzzles age is? Just a thought)#(first Meggy asks him about it and now I’m asking too)#(no wonder the guy pulled out a knife people won’t shut up about his age lmfao)#mr puzzles smg4 meme#mr puzzles animated#smg4 girl how old are you I’m getting nervous meme#girl how old are you I’m getting nervous mr puzzles meme#hplonesome art
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sorry i am Strugglin over here i think i blew all my positive brain chemicals beating myself against the bars of Normal Human Communication this week lmao
#i swear to god the longer i'm out of the cult it's like#watching myself get crazier every year and further from being able to connect with people who didn't get told they were a prophet as a kid#i'm kinda thinking of quitting con appearances altogether lately#i'm so fucking tired and paying money to spend weekends watching people get confused about why i#feel the need to do this#or what i am doing full stop#is kind of veering into self harm lol#i can handle low sales i can't deal with this much in-person disconnection hf
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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unpopular opinion but i really miss those days when it was all about the music in taylor swift fandom
#time for a little rant because i feel like i need to get it off my chest rn#i feel so disconnected from this fandom lately#mostly because literally everything is about travis these days#like don't get me wrong i'm really happy that she's happy but#i just don't feel the need to talk about her relationship 24/7 like some of the swifties#and honestly it's all just too much#everything is about taylor and i'm not even excited anymore when i see new pictures of her#because it's just too much???#i truly love her with all my heart and i always will but even i am tired and i've been a swiftie for literally half of my life#why do people have to discuss every single detail about her love life#and who cares if she's going to be at the game again#let her live maybe#i'm sorry but it's just so annoying lately#this fandom is being too fucking loud and i'm tired and it's not even fun anymore#remember when the eras tour started? amazing times#we were talking about it all the time and discussing every single detail of the tour and the songs and all#now it's all about her new relationship guys it's not... like... WHY.#it makes me so sad because it used to be different#ugh#i might get hate for that but i don't care i just really needed to say that#taylor swift#ts#talking shit for the hell of it*
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what is with the response people always give when you bring up mental problems like "everyone feels that way" like. Stop that. Even if it's true it pisses me off.
#“everyone feels a little anxious ''#''everyone is a little autistic''#''everyone is a little adhd''#STOP being STUPID i am Trying to be Open about my PROBLEMS#aksjfhdjshff#adhd#autism#depression#anxiety#mental illness#idk what else people do this to#transgender#likeeee No fucking way everyone feels Like they're not HUMAN aughhhh#like literally i feel such a disconnect between me and other ppl#dmgjfhjsn guess i know what i am going to talk about in therapy Wednesday!!!!#magbe thats why i am so obsessed with All for One cus he doesn't see himself as a person either
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am i the only one who thinks celebrating pride month in the middle of an ongoing genocide is a bit................... 😒
#selfish?#obtuse?#disconnected?#fr i actuallt don't want to see the 'im too scawed and anxious and my precious feelings hurt too much to go to any irl action or protest or#rally or write letters or phone calls to government or boycott divest or sanction or stand up for so called beliefs and actually it's#ableism to say i should' crowd posting photos at pride parades where fucking cops are marching having fun and not protesting anything.#i don't wanna fuckinf see it. if you can't leave your house for your beliefs for justice for liberation then why do you think you can for#so called pride? pride in what? your cowerdace? ain't nothing queer about that babe.#i'm physically disabled and i'm there every week. i'm mentally disabled and exhausted and burnt out and traumatised and i'm there every week#if you can't even go to a single like green-level protected rally to show support in numbers. not even once when they're every week#then get out of here with that i can't wait to march in the pride parade bullshit and grow a spine#anyway no pride in genocide no cops at pride and no fucking cowardly queers who put their own comfort before LITERALLY STOPPING A GENOCIDE#as is every international citizen of the worlds fucking duty. ur duty to humanity called and said ur a failure :/
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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There's nothing wrong with people having their dearest most specialest blorbo be Eric ztd it is unironically good for the ecosystem and I always love seeing the different perspectives from other fans but what I am here today to ask is why is no one like that about Mira. whatever happened to feminism.
#every categorically insane man in this series has their dedicated fans and every popular character also has a bunch of red flags so like#to be fair no one's too crazy about Lotus or Alice either hm like people either outright dislike them conceptually because of their designs#or you know just have an appreciation for them as characters but not quite focusing on them much at all#like me#and like are the tropes that make up her character problematic? yeah! that didn't stop y'all from liking Saito a whole lot#now he's better woven into the narrative of the game he's in but then my point's back to Eric lol#like it is just fucking ludicrous the amount of stuff in the whole Series not to mention the game Alone that she's responsible for#but it does feel disconnected (being responsible for the Kurashiki's parents deaths)#frustrating (being responsible for injecting Phi whith Rad-6)#and overall just kinda glossed over? (beheading Junpei and killing off D-Team that one time because she was in cahoots with Zero)#so like I get why people wouldn't like her she's a bad plot device but THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING#THAT'S NOT REALLY STOPPING ANYONE and it's not even like people are very vocal about hating her either#at most I've seen it be lumped in with some major complains about the game like as a whole#the way we find out so early she's a serial killer it's kinda shocking but not really? it ends up as just kinda ridiculous and underwhelming#imo that's the whole game but again even when it comes to people who Do Like this game#anyways free to reblog I Do wanna talk about this but I am absolutely Not putting this in the tag lmao could you imagine#like is the trope of having one big booba female character per game and for it to be a Defining Characteristic kinda not great? yeah#but also like shrug#we've let Uchikosh get away with worse
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This reminds me of one of my first tumblrs. I started with erotic art, and ended up finding myself. I will be back here soon.
#ok a couple things#not scrolling yet#because I don't wanna get sad#BUT#well for one everything looks like a penis to me right now omggg#I have used my vibe a couple times but mostly I just sit in the feeling#also#I fucking forget how much I LOVE this industry until I get back into it#why do I DO this!?#I just got my boudoir photos back#they are so good#we slapped that shit together and I was a hot mess and they still look fantastic#it's really cool that we used the vintage camera and that they were developed by hand#I've almost gotten to the excited anticipation stage#I've never felt this disconnected#I wonder if my telepathy worked#lol#I am doing all of the things#because I know that's what he would want me to do#and for me too#but fuck I miss that man more than anything#I have really learned to be truly alone#good news is I like myself#so that's cool#bad news is that I need to feel like a hot girl again#that's only bad news because do you know how much work it takes to be a hot girl!?#but it's my favorite thing to do in the world#I have come full circle back to self 🧘🏼♀️💋
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now some people may not like to hear it but even the worst people who exist are still people & there is no human being who has More right than others to decide whether others deserve to live or die (does not mean i personally condemn murder in self defense or anything of the sort or killing fascists or whatever i'm just saying as a baseline This Is How it Is) & this is why the death penalty is not a good thing no matter how good & trustworthy the people in any government might be. people on average also deserve the chance to learn to do better. & no, someone who's been forcefed propaganda their entire life will not let go of that deeply entrenched mindset so easily, it's not particularly unrealistic & it absolutely sucks to deal with but in the context of tangibly working toward world peace it's also not an issue to try & help such people both in material ways & in helping them learn better rather than cut them down or abandon them to a grim fate. all this to say that's why i don't think garlemald is written badly, as unpleasant as the experience might be. walks off the stage
#ffposting#also if you hate garlemald's writing THIS much but like emet-selch i think theres a disconnect there i just dont understand.#like he made it that way. you do understand this is all because of him right. maybe you should be more upset about that.#garlemald is very uncomfortable & the real life parallels it draws make it a very very touchy Thing to deal with#but i do not think it is handled badly.#their supremacy is entirely gone by the time of edw the people there have known nothing but propaganda#the populares are known to be a minority. people like cid or jenomis aren't that common. this is why they get along#the propaganda is such that even occupied domans like asahi fell for it & feel absolutely nothing for their kin#thats what propaganda does. there is absolutely a degree of responsibility regarding what they do & i would never say otherwise#however the idea that we should let them die & not get a chance to rebuild after theyve lost everything (again) is like. huh.#when you want to work toward world peace in a meaningful way you cant just abandon anyone like that.#like thats a whole people. they suck! but it is not immutable & they deserve the opportunity to do better like any other#id much rather they face retribution for their actions in meaningful ways including working toward reparations#wrt all the peoples the empire occupied than to round them up to kill them or worse let them die to the telophoroi#OR to becoming blasphemies. that would make things so extremely worse.#i just dont understand how you can have sympathy for jullus when he was just like everyone else at first#but you want to leave the rest of them to die. & i dont get how you can like emet & want them to die.#like he fucking did this its a pretty notable very fucking bad thing that he did. no doubt varis has made it worse#but varis was in power for like 2 years at best.#that emet was playing a role & did not actually believe in or care about what he was doing does not erase that he did it#& i personally find it hypocritical to like him if you balk at the idea of garlemald restoration. clears throat#i believe in killing fascists but i also dont believe in punitive justice#& by the time of edw garlean civilians do not hold the systemic power they once mightve#which i think is also important. their entire country is in shambles.#if anything its the ideal opportunity for them all to start anew & learn better. shed their preconceptions as one might say#that said i still skip garlemald cutscenes bc i dont need cunts calling me a savage ✋-_-#do not take any of this for garlean apologia i fucking hate dealing with them on an individual level as a xaela player lmfao#but yeah. if you can feel pity for livia who is a military general WHO HAS ACTIVELY KILLED YOUR FRIENDS#but not for the civilians whove never been exposed to anything other than propaganda. idk man. 30 tags. fly free my post
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how it feels rememberinf u love talking to people and having friends and being social
#☆ apollo singing#ITS SO EMBARRASSING ur saying i spent all this time pretending i hate everyone when i was really just lonely. BE FUCKING FOR REAL#why do i feel so odd and bored all the time <- disconnected from his personal connections completely on accident#ME REMEMBERING I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LIKE TALKING TO ME AND DOING THINGS WIRH ME . MY FUCKING BAD YALL#I FORGOT THE WORLD WASNT JUST INFORMATION TO BE CONSUMED GUYS DO U STILL THINK IM CUTE#my fe is so dysfunctional 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞#☆ personal
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i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway
#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random#but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me#in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really#it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be#and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day#i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people#in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english#and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family#like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life#but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it#any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time#ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!!#so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying#that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be#that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil#l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself#bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least#anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning#languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die
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take this with a grain of extremely drunk but at this point I'm my journey? now? I'm like literally the idealest person in the world and I think everyone else has something wrong with them
#is it autism? is that why people don't just fuckin communicate with me?#my autistic superpower is im TOO GOOD at communicating and everyone else is behind me.#im already in the 'so how do we meet our needs' stage when other people are in the avoidance stage or the self awareness stage#idk. idk. fuckin tired of it#tired of games tired of excuses tired of IMMATURITY#tired of being more grown than people in their mid 30s. tired of being more grown than my parents in their mid 50s#tired of being the ONLY person i know ACTIVELY working on their flaws and making progress#maybe others are just working on things i dont notice and maybe others dont notice what im doing. but idk. people have seemed to notice.#is it because im becoming buddhist? am i like more fucking enlightened or something?#i would hope that wouldn't be the only thing causing such a disconnect cause that sounds fucking pretentious#im drunk cause i was upset. remember yhis if you're reading these tags#im not upset anymore cause i got drunk. and made a really good omelette#but yeah i feel so different from other people. so much better and also so much worse. hashtag paradox#best communicator deepest thinker most compassionate soul. also most horrible awful sinner#↑obsessed with the concept of sin in a fascinating way for someone who doesn't Believe in it#yes im a sinner yes im a real sex demon from hell no hell doesnt exist yes reincarnation is real yes i am buddhist yes i believe in ghosts.#i contain multitudes#anyways#i was supposed to *** ** ***** *** today and i didn't so I got grumpy i guess#i really need to practice the principles of detachment#I've gotten a lot better at patience and calm and meditation but i still care so much about inconsequential shit. enough to drink it away i#i should sleep i was trying to fix my sleep schedule the last two nights#but i don't want to. i want to drink and have fun and maybe cry#we'll see#doubt anyone is gonna read this it's mostly for me#gonna tag this#therapy#so i can find it if i need it#i just miss my girlfriend man. but she stood me up again without a word and it's disrespectful#and i know I'm gonna forgive her
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