#why is my brain trying to sabotage itself

[khitty]

I'm really tired but I'm terrified of closing my eyes. The thoughts are so vivid and just horrific. I want to have someonr to be with me throughout the night. But being in a dark room with another person would just make me even more terrified. Sleep please come soon

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

[anemoiashifts]

shifting tips / advice that don’t suck !

♡getting offline.

i know i know it’s hard, but being bombarded with different information about a certain topic can be so overwhelming & create room for overthinking which can effect performance. looking in places outside of shiftok or shiftblur or shift whatever. putting more effort into trying to figure out what something is instead of doing it will drive you insane because there is no answer to what shifting is. hence, “theories” & shared experiences. there is no concrete reasoning to shifting backed by science so don’t try & find them or you’ll be looking forever.

♡music.

did you know you can use music to manipulate memories ? the brain is so so bad at remembering things due to how much information we consume daily. when you visualize & listen to a sound or music, your brain can register that as a memory.

♡smell.

this one also aligns with the one above. smell is heavily tied to memory, also. by watching a show we are shifting to & pairing it with a certain scent like a perfume or candle, we can create a link between the two. then, spraying during shifting attempts can help us visualize & associate that piece of media with where we’re focusing on.

♡shadow work.

find out why you’re shifting. happiness ? you don’t need to shift for that. love ? you don’t need to shift for that. if you want to that’s fine but is shifting a bandaid for something deeper ? discover that. really think & consider where you’re going & if you’re in the right mentality to handle it. you aren’t in a television show episode or an oc, you’ll be a living human being in a very real & interactive world. figure out your intentions.

♡put in effort.

this may be a little obvious but you have to want to shift, to shift. you have to put in work & effort to shift & take another approach if doing the same method 10x over hasn’t worked for you. “we shift every second” sure but you didn’t shift into your desired reality in the past thirty. “im saying an affirmation & rolling over & hoping ill wake up in my dr” & how has that worked out for you ? just because this has maybe worked for other people, doesn’t mean it'll work for you. everyone is different. people require more time & effort to get something right then others just like subjects like art or english come easier to students.

♡perfection.

not everything has to be perfect. script isn’t completed ? so what ? you’ve been saying “im not ready yet” for the five months. don’t put off good things out of fear of them not being exactly how you want it because it will never be perfect because perfection isn’t real. if you don’t have everything figured out — that’s fine. why ? because life will sort itself out. this remains true right here & in your desired life. if it’s any comfort, everything will fall into place.

♡neutrality.

if you’re someone who wakes up after an attempt saying “i’ll never shift, i hate this reality” then you’re kinda sabotaging yourself in a way. your creating the mindset that this is the “bad” place when shifting is “good”. that’s not true. everything is entirely neutral until you define it as such. in addition, you are focusing more on the “haven’t” & giving that more attention to & what you give attention to will only grow until it’s so big you can’t see anything else.

♡listening.

people who want things don’t sit & complain about not having them, they persist & would do anything to get their desires & live in that reality. instead of saying “i didn’t shift” & sulking about it, take it as a learning experience to see what does & doesn’t work for you; your body is showing you what not to do so listen to yourself.

[echo-and-dust]

now that my brain has somewhat unscrambled itself i have gotten most of my thoughts in order about season 3.

and the first thing i will say is: i loved it.

while it was gutwrenching and polarizing in some ways and i feel that i am entitled to financial compensation for what its done to my mental health, i loved this season for pretty much almost everything it did.

i cannot fault people for having issues with much of the characterization and plot choices made—that’s been the trend during the entire run of the show after all, and imo it’s a testament to the phenomenal way it generates nuance—but i wanted to share my feelings on the recurring opinions i’ve seen about some of these things.

first, i do not blame simon at all for the things he said in the final scene. he’s a child who has been receiving endless verbal and physical harassment on top of all the trauma he is still trying to heal from. he just watched his boyfriend lash out in anger and hurt—while not at him, but it must’ve been a close resemblance of how he might’ve seen micke act. at least, that's what i thought, though i've seen others say otherwise.

and yes, wille is not micke, but just because wille’s source of outbursts is different from micke’s doesn’t mean simon is wrong in drawing similarities. at least he's finally getting a true glimpse into what wille has had to deal with. i've honestly grown to like that they didn't have simon immediately comfort him though; wille's mental illness is not his fault, but it is his responsibility, and instead of pushing a message of unhealthy co-dependence, the show has simon be honest: "but i see that everything hurts you and that hurts me too." and to me, that's so important.

plus, it doesn't make their love any less genuine. wille is a victim of the circumstances; he is not evil, and he is not undeserving of simon. he just has a lot of growing and healing to do, a lot of unlearning and exposure therapy because he's still blinded by privilege even when he tries not to be.

speaking of, i have so many thoughts about wille that i feel like i need to save for its own separate post, but to sum them up: i'll still defend him with my life, and he needs to get the fuck away from that institution.

also, the fact that the responsibility of controlling simon's media decisions was placed solely on wille confused me at first like—why wouldn't they get a professional to give him proper media training?

then i realized, this could be the royal court's way of sabotaging their relationship. they knew that making wille the one to tell simon what he can and cannot say or post would create distance and animosity between them. despite the ramifications of simon's behavior on social media, it seems they still thought it best to have his boyfriend be the one to try to mold him into the system. because they knew that's how they could get rid of him. in conclusion, fuck the royal court (we been knew but still).

one of the standouts this season was their transparency regarding the show's politics. it not only works well with the show's arc (wilmon is public, everything's out in the open now and there's nothing to hide), but also it felt necessary at a time where censorship has been rapidly gaining momentum. it felt so refreshing for these characters to talk so openly about racial discrimination and queerphobia and class disparities, forcing both character and viewer to acknowledge that they exist and you should feel uncomfortable about it.

i don't think i can add much more to what was already said about it—most of the fandom is more eloquent and observant than i am anyway—i just wanted to reinforce how important this season is to myself and the story even with how controversial it is to fans right now. a lot of people may disagree with me and that's fine.

[perfectsunlight]

22 ⸺ SCARED OF MY GUITAR

warnings: angst, self doubt, infidelity, substance use, relationship strain, mental breakdown, emotional distress

word count: 7.5k

part of the series: LOGICAL

perfect, easy, so good to me

so why's there a pit in my gut in the shape of you?

kazuha couldn’t stop thinking about what yujin had said to her. did she really like her girlfriend? sure, sana was the perfect girlfriend. she was kind, thoughtful, and always there when kazuha needed her. they didn’t fight, didn’t argue over petty things. sana knew how to make her laugh, how to calm her down when her nerves got the best of her. 

she was the kind of partner anyone would dream of having—sweet, supportive, effortlessly beautiful.

yet, every time kazuha looked at her, a hollow sensation gnawed at her. a sensation she couldn’t quite explain. she hated it—hated that yujin’s question had lodged itself so deep in her mind. now, the younger girl was questioning everything she thought she wanted.

it was 3 in the morning and even in complete darkness, zuha could make out every detail on her girlfriend’s face. the soft rise and fall of sana’s chest, the gentle curve of her lips, the way her hair fanned out on the pillow like a halo. she looked peaceful, content—everything kazuha should have felt lying next to her. but instead, that same hollow sensation gnawed at her insides, leaving her restless while sana slept soundly beside her.

kazuha shifted slightly, careful not to disturb her. her thoughts raced, yujin’s voice playing on a loop in her mind. the question echoed and screamed, haunting her even now. she stared at the ceiling, trying to understand why something so perfect felt so wrong.

sana had never done anything but love her—truly, deeply, and without reservation. yet, every time kazuha thought about their future together, that gnawing doubt crept in. why wasn’t this enough? 

why wasn’t sana enough?

distract myself, say it's somethin' else

maybe i'm just overwhelmed, maybe i'm confused

she bit her lip, the taste of guilt bitter in her mouth. it wasn’t fair to the older girl. she deserved someone who didn’t feel this constant void, someone who didn’t have to question whether or not they were happy. kazuha wanted to be that person—wanted so badly to be the kind of girlfriend sana thought she was.

but lying in the dark, she knew she was far from it.

at first, kazuha thought maybe it was just a new sensation—something unfamiliar that would pass with time. maybe she was just overwhelmed by having such a seemingly perfect lover, someone who gave her everything she could have ever asked for. sana was the type of person who made even the mundane feel extraordinary. every day with her was filled with affection, warmth, and security. 

but that comfort soon became stifling.

kazuha tried to convince herself it was just the natural ebb and flow of relationships. maybe she wasn’t used to being treated this well, maybe she didn’t know what to do with a love so steady and unwavering. she had heard stories of people sabotaging good things out of fear, and maybe that’s what was happening to her. she wanted to believe that. she wanted to believe that the pit in her stomach would disappear once she got used to this new, perfect reality with sana.

and for a while, she forced herself to push through it.

sana had always been easy to love—too easy, even. her smile could light up a room, and she had a way of making kazuha feel like the center of her universe. on paper, everything was ideal. they were ideal. sana cooked for her after long practices, left little notes in her gym bag, and never failed to cheer her on from the stands. when zuha felt exhausted or overwhelmed, sana would pull her into bed, wrapping her in soft blankets, and make the world disappear.

so why did it feel like something was missing?

barely sleep when you sleep next to me

but i keep thinkin' i'll find a cure

the younger girl wracked her brain, trying to figure out an answer to her questions. she had to find a cure for this gnawing feeling, for the suffocating guilt that hung over her like a cloud. was there something she could do to make it better? to feel the way she was supposed to feel about sana?

she didn’t know how long she had been staring at the ceiling, her mind racing while her body stayed still. her eyes drifted back to sana, whose chest rose and fell in gentle, peaceful breaths, completely unaware of the turmoil right next to her. sana had given her everything, had loved her in ways kazuha had only dreamed of being loved.

so why did it feel like she was lying next to a stranger?

kazuha knew she should be grateful. sana was perfect. she was sweet, attentive, and everything kazuha could have ever wanted in a girlfriend. she ticked every box—more than that, she went above and beyond. and yet, as she lay there, she couldn’t shake the suffocating feeling of emptiness, of being disconnected from the person she was supposed to love.

the younger girl kept searching for an excuse, a reason why things felt off. maybe it was the stress of training, the endless routines and expectations placed on her shoulders. maybe she just wasn’t used to being treated this well. maybe she was afraid of being loved so fully because, deep down, she didn’t believe she deserved it.

it has to be me, not her, kazuha thought desperately. i just need to figure it out.

i say that i'm fine, i tell you all the time

i've never felt so happy and sure

sana would always ask how she could be a better girlfriend or if she was not filling any needs that the younger girl had. and kazuha would smile, press a kiss to her forehead, and say the same thing every time. "you’re perfect, sana. i’ve never been happier."

but those words felt heavier now. more like a shield than a truth.

sana never missed a beat. she made sure zuha was well-fed, well-rested, and never went a day without feeling loved. if kazuha had a bad day at practice, sana would surprise her with her favorite meal. if she was stressed, sana would pull her into a long, comforting hug until the tension melted away. every need kazuha could have ever voiced, sana met without hesitation.

but deep down, kazuha knew the truth she could never say out loud. it wasn’t about what sana did or didn’t do. it wasn’t about needs being unmet. the problem wasn’t sana at all. it was her. her heart, twisted with confusion and guilt, couldn’t embrace the perfection that stood right in front of her.

sana was giving her everything, and yet, she still felt like something was missing.

every time sana asked, every time those worried brown eyes looked into hers, kazuha would swallow the lump in her throat and say she was fine. that she had never felt so sure, so secure in her relationship. 

even though, in reality, she had never been more uncertain.

but i'm so scared of my guitar

'cause it cuts right through to the heart

there were many times where nakamura kazuha could have confessed to cheating. she thought about it more often than she'd like to admit. in their intimate, quiet moments—when sana would smile at her with that radiant, genuine warmth, or when she’d make her favorite breakfast without even asking—kazuha's chest would tighten with guilt. the words would bubble up in her throat, i’m sorry. i’ve been lying to you. i’ve been with someone else. but they never made it past her lips.

there were so many moments when she could’ve come clean. sana deserved to hear the truth, straight from the source.

like the time they sat together on the couch, sana's legs draped over kazuha's lap as they lazily watched a movie. sana had looked over at her then, her hand brushing through kazuha's hair with a gentle touch. “you're everything i’ve ever wanted,” sana had whispered, her eyes filled with sincerity and love. and kazuha, heart pounding in her chest, had opened her mouth to respond, but the words that came out weren’t the truth she needed to speak.

“i love you too.”

the lie tasted bitter, yet it slipped out so easily. the guilt followed her everywhere, shadowing every tender moment they shared, every smile they exchanged. it clung to her like a second skin, suffocating her.

yeah, it knows me too well so i got no excuse

i can't lie to it the same way that i lie to you

she had mastered the art of lying to sana, weaving together a story of love and commitment, smiling through the guilt, and telling her everything was fine. sana believed her every time. maybe she wanted to believe that kazuha was still the girlfriend she thought she knew.

but the pit in her stomach knew better. 

the guilt that gnawed at her, the restless thoughts that kept her awake at night—it knew her too well. it was a constant, nagging reminder that she was living a lie. she couldn’t hide from it the way she could hide from sana. every time she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw the truth reflected back at her, the shame carved into her expression.

no matter how much she told sana she was happy—that they were happy—there was no escaping the fact that deep down, kazuha wasn’t. and pretending otherwise wasn’t going to fix that hollow ache inside her.

the more she tried to shove it down, the more it resurfaced when she was alone. she couldn’t keep lying to herself, and it was only a matter of time before she wouldn’t be able to lie to sana anymore either.

kazuha’s chest tightened as she stared at the ceiling. she had no excuses left. she knew what she was doing was wrong. and yet, she hadn’t stopped.

how long could she keep lying before the truth shattered everything?

i'm so scared of my guitar

if i play it, then i'll think too hard

when sana’s alarm went off, it was around 5:45 am. they both had morning practice to attend, so naturally they just shared an alarm. kazuha felt the older girl curl into her side, her soft cheek resting against her collarbone as she breathed slowly. 

it was moments like this that should have felt safe, secure—like the perfect life everyone wanted. but instead, they filled her with dread.

the alarm had only been on for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity as she lay there, paralyzed by the weight of her thoughts. sana stirred beside her, wrapping her arms around kazuha’s waist in that gentle, instinctual way she always did in the morning. she was so sweet, so perfect, and it made kazuha feel even worse.

if she let herself think too hard—if she really examined her feelings—kazuha knew she’d unravel. the truth was there, buried beneath every forced smile and every moment of affection, but she didn’t want to face it. not yet. not today.

she swallowed thickly, her hand absentmindedly tracing circles on sana’s shoulder as her mind wandered back to yujin. the way things had spiraled, how one kiss had led to something more, something she couldn’t take back. sana trusted her, believed in her, but kazuha wasn’t sure she deserved any of it.

sana shifted slightly, her voice soft with sleep. “morning,” she yawned, nuzzling into her girlfriend’s side. “ready for practice?”

kazuha forced a smile, even though the knot in her stomach tightened. “yeah... just give me a minute.” her voice cracked at the edges, but she hoped sana wouldn’t notice.

still half-asleep, the older one hummed in response, her eyes fluttering shut again for just a few seconds before she slowly pulled herself up, stretching. “baby are you okay?” she asked, her brow furrowing with concern, as if sensing the unease in her lover’s voice.

“yeah, i’m fine,” kazuha replied automatically. she had said it so many times by now that it almost felt natural—almost.

once you let the thought in, then it's already done

so i'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love

she wasn’t ready to face it. not yet. not while sana was still curled into her, trusting her.

but for how much longer could she keep this up?

the dark harried girl pressed her lips to sana’s hair, breathing in her familiar scent, pretending for a few more seconds that this was enough, that it was real. they moved through their morning routine in comfortable silence, the kind of rhythm that came naturally after sharing so many mornings together. sana hummed softly as she made coffee, and kazuha found herself lost in the sound, momentarily distracted from her thoughts.

“do you want your usual?” the older girl called from the kitchen, glancing over her shoulder. the sight of her, hair tousled and wearing one of kazuha’s oversized hoodies, brought a small smile to kazuha’s face.

“yes please,” kazuha replied, trying to keep her tone light. she leaned against the doorframe, crossing her arms and watching sana move with effortless grace. this should be enough, she thought, still trying to convince herself.

if i was brave and noble like you

i'd have the nerve to just stop stringin' you along

they walked hand in hand to the gym, enjoying the early dawn together. at least, kazhua was trying to enjoy it. the cold nipping at her skin was nothing compared to the icy grip of uncertainty in her chest. the taller girl stole glances at sana, her face lit up by the soft morning light. soft shades of pink decorated her cheeks and nose, making her look even more adorable. it was in moments like these that made kazuha feel both elated and tormented. 

how could someone so perfect be standing beside someone so broken?

as they reached the gym entrance, kazuha’s grip on sana’s hand tightened involuntarily. the moment felt somewhat significant, almost like it was a tether connecting her to the reality she was desperately trying to escape. the laughter and chatter of their teammates echoed around them. 

zuha took her usual seat on a nearby bench, pulling her court shoes out from her backpack. sana sat beside her, their shoulders brushing together, and kazuha tried to focus on the excitement of practice rather than the tumult of feelings swirling in her chest. she could hear sana chatting animatedly with their friends, her laughter ringing like a melody that usually filled kazuha with warmth. but today, it felt distant, muffled by the weight of her internal struggle.

as the team began to warm up, kazuha’s gaze drifted across the gym, her mind elsewhere. she could hear snippets of conversations, the playful banter of her teammates, but all of it faded into the background.

her girlfriend, the outstanding captain she was, noticed immediately. 

sana jogged up to her girlfriend, gently putting a hand to her cheek and jaw. “hey,” she whispered as she looked up at her. “what’s going on?” she asked softly, scanning her girlfriend’s body up and down. kazuha smiled and gave her hand a quick kiss. “just tired. i’m going to use the bathroom, i’ll be back.”

but i'm not half as decent as you

i'd rather be tied to someone, even if they're wrong

sana nodded, her expression still laced with concern. “okay, but don’t take too long. we’ve got to run our new plays.” kazuha forced another smile, though it felt more like a grimace, and turned away, heading toward the bathroom. as she walked, she felt a mix of guilt and confusion swelling within her. she didn’t want to worry sana, but the weight of her secret was becoming unbearable.

once inside the bathroom, kazuha leaned against the cool tile wall, taking a deep breath to steady herself. she splashed some water on her face, hoping to wash away the swirling thoughts. but before she could gather her thoughts, the door swung open, and in walked yujin, her expression brightening the dull space.

“hey, stranger,” yujin said casually, her voice teasing. she quickly took in the look on the other girl’s face, eyebrows raising at the sight. “you look like shit, dude.”

kazuha shot the basketball player a half-hearted glare, trying to mask her turmoil with humor. “thanks, just what i needed to hear,” she replied, her voice a little shaky as she wiped her hands on her volleyball shorts.

the taller girl stepped closer, her expression softening as she leaned against the sink beside the japanese girl. she folded her arms against her chest, staring straight ahead. “seriously though, what’s up? you’ve been acting off lately.”

the volleyball player sighed, running a hand through her hair. “i don’t know. everything feels overwhelming right now.” 

“is it sana?” yujin asked, her tone casual but laced with genuine concern. “you two are still good, right?”

zuha hesitated, the weight of her secret hanging in the air between them. “i mean, yeah, she’s great. perfect, actually,” she said, the last word tasting bitter on her tongue. 

yujin narrowed her eyes, a knowing smirk playing on her lips. “but?”

“but i don’t know if i deserve her,” kazuha admitted, her voice dropping to a whisper. “i keep thinking about what you asked me the other day.”

“the thing about the cheeseburger? i’m still telling you, we need to—” “no, not the cheeseburger, idiot.”

yujin raised an eyebrow at the quick interruption, her teasing demeanor faltering. “oh, right. that thing.” kazuha felt her heart race as she continued. “you asked me if i even liked sana. i thought i did, but now i’m not so sure.”

the basketball player leaned back against the sink, arms still crossed, studying kazuha’s face with a mix of concern and curiosity. “why not? you’ve been together for a while now, and she’s a perfect girlfriend. i mean, it’s literally sana.”

“maybe i’m just scared of losing something perfect,” kazuha admitted, biting her lip. “but at the same time, maybe i’m not ready to let go of the thrill that comes with being with someone who isn’t perfect.”

i make excuses, my friends know the truth is

i'm not as alright as i claim

“you look like shit,” chaeyoung said casually as she poured the younger girl a drink. kazuha chuckled, rolling her eyes as she accepted the glass from her. the japanese girl had asked her teammate to hang out for drinks, knowing that out of everyone on the team, the blonde would be the most likely to accept. “thanks for the vote of confidence,” kazuha replied, taking a sip of the drink. the bitter flavor hit her palate, momentarily dulling the weight on her chest.

it was also convenient that lisa opened her mouth for once, because chaeyoung knew about her situation with yujin, courtesy of ygu’s star player.

the blonde leaned against the bar, her expression shifting to something more serious. “seriously though, what’s going on? you’ve been acting off lately, and it’s not just the dark circles under your eyes.”

kazuha sighed, staring into her glass as if it held the answers she desperately sought. her eyes briefly flickered over her shoulder to glance at her teammate before speaking.

“have you ever loved someone? like fully, all the way, no mistakes and regrets?”

the older girl paused, her own drink halfway to her lips, caught off guard by the question. she slowly set the glass down, leaning in closer to kazuha. “why do you ask?”

zuha shrugged, avoiding chaeyoung's sharp gaze. “i’m trying to understand what love really is. i thought i knew, but now i feel like i’m just running away.”

“love is complicated,” the korean mumbled, her tone surprisingly soft. “it’s not just about the good moments. it’s messy, full of doubts and regrets.”

“exactly,” kazuha replied, frustration creeping back into her voice. “i don’t want to feel like this. i want to love sana the way she deserves, but i keep thinking about someone else. someone who makes it easy.”

chaeyoung’s expression shifted, a hint of something bittersweet flickering in her eyes. the japanese girl didn’t know much about park chaeyoung’s love life, but she did know that a certain basketball player was always around her.

“sometimes we use people to escape our feelings. it’s not fair to them, but it feels safe at the moment.”

zuha looked up, surprised by the honesty in her teammate’s words. it was almost comforting, in a way. “you understand that?”

“yeah,” chaeyoung said quietly, her gaze distant. “i’ve been there before. using someone to mask what i really feel. it’s tempting because it’s simple, but it doesn’t fill the void.”

“do you love this person?” kazuha asked quickly, a hint of curiosity in her voice. “the one you keep running to?”

the blonde’s gaze sharpened, and she hesitated, the weight of unspoken feelings hanging in the air. “love isn’t just about the person, you know? it’s also about the timing and circumstances. sometimes, we fall for the wrong people at the right moment.”

kazuha felt a pang of empathy for her friend, sensing that there was more beneath the surface. “so what do you do? just keep pretending?”

i say that i'm fine, i tell them all the time

as they watch all the light fade away

the older volleyball player shrugged, “sometimes you just go through the motions,” she replied, her gaze drifting to the dim lights of the bar. “it’s easier that way. you wear a mask, smile, and act like everything’s fine even when it’s falling apart inside.”

the japanese girl nodded, understanding all too well. “but it doesn’t change anything, does it? pretending just makes the loneliness worse.”

“no, it doesn’t,” chaeyoung said quietly, her voice tinged with sadness. “but facing the truth is terrifying. you risk everything—your comfort, your stability, even the relationships you care about. you won’t always feel better once the truth comes out, either.”

kazuha raised an eyebrow, surprised by her friend’s bleak perspective. “what do you mean?” she asked softly. the blonde shrugged, her gaze distant. “honestly? sometimes it’s better to just keep things to yourself. if it’s not broken, don’t fix it, you know? why rock the boat when you can just enjoy the ride?”

she frowned, feeling a mix of confusion and frustration. “but is that not fair to someone you love?” 

“do you want to see the person you love with someone else?” the korean girl asked slowly. kazuha felt her heart sink at the question. “no, of course not,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “but keeping it all in doesn’t feel right. it feels like i’m lying to her.”

chaeyoung leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. “is it really lying if you’re just not saying everything? sometimes silence is just self-preservation. you can love someone and still have your own struggles. it doesn’t mean you have to lay it all out on the table.”

“but what if she finds out?” zuha’s mind raced with images of sana’s hurt expression, the tears that would follow. the way her girlfriend’s smile would fade and she’d fall apart at the sight. “what if i end up destroying everything?”

“then you destroy everything,” she replied with a shrug. “but you have to think about what’s best for you, too. you think sana would want you to be unhappy just for the sake of her feelings? wouldn’t she want you to be content, even if that means keeping a few things to yourself?”

yeah, i'm so scared of my guitar

'cause it cuts right through to the heart

whether it was the alcohol, or the emotions that had been bubbling beneath the surface, nakamura kazuha felt a rush of impulsiveness as she left the bar. the night air was cool against her flushed cheeks, and the echoes of chaeyoung’s words lingered in her mind. 

she arrived at yujin’s place quicker than she ever had before, her heart racing with both anticipation and anxiety. the door swung open, and yujin stood there, casual and relaxed, her hair slightly messy from showering. she likely just finished practice not too long ago. “hey, zuha. what’s up?”

“can i come in?” kazuha asked, her voice a whisper. yujin nodded, stepping aside to let her in. the apartment was dimly lit, a stark contrast to the lively bar she just left. kazuha felt a sense of comfort wash over her, but the heaviness in her heart was still there. once inside, kazuha leaned against the wall, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “i don’t know why i’m here,” she admitted, her voice cracking. “i just needed to get away.”

yujin stepped closer, concern flickering in her eyes. “are you okay?” she asked, glancing over her friend’s body for any noticeable injuries.

the japanese girl shook her head quickly, ignoring her heart feeling as if it was falling apart. “no, i’m not okay.” she took a deep breath, the vulnerability hitting her hard. before she could overthink it, kazuha closed the distance between them, reaching out to pull yujin closer. 

their lips met in a messy kiss, the contact making zuha’s stomach flutter for a moment. she never got butterflies when sana kissed her. but just as quickly, yujin pulled back, her brows furrowed in confusion.

“dude, you’re crying,” yujin said softly, brushing a thumb under kazuha’s eye to catch the tear. “what’s going on?”

kazuha felt her heart sink, the weight of her emotions crashing down on her. “i need you to stop talking.” the volleyball player whispered, her voice barely above a whisper as she leaned in closer, desperation evident in her eyes. she pressed her lips against yujin’s again, trying to drown out the chaos swirling in her mind.

yeah, it knows me too well so i got no excuse

i can't lie to it the same way that i lie to you

kazuha's hands trembled slightly as they came up to grip yujin's shoulders, holding her close. her heart raced wildly, a mix of excitement and anxiety coursing through her veins. she knew she was crossing a line, but at that moment, she couldn't bring herself to care. all she wanted was to lose herself in yujin, to find some semblance of peace in her arms. but even as she deepened the kiss, she was acutely aware of how wrong this felt. 

her mind kept going back to sana. sana, who loved her. sana, who was unaware of everything kazuha was doing. sana, who was too perfect for her.

tears streamed down kazuha's face as she finally pulled away, her chest heaving with labored breaths. “i’m sorry,” she whispered over and over as she pulled her hoodie over her head. “i’m sorry, sana.” the alcohol and the emotions overwhelming her caused her mental state to currently become even more suffocating.

yujin knew the best thing to do right now was to just let her friend use her as the distraction. the basketball player gently kissed the japanese girl’s neck. "shh," yujin whispered, her breath hot against kazuha's ear. "it's okay. we don't have to think about anything else right now. just focus on me." 

she pressed another soft kiss to kazuha's neck, relishing in the way her friend shivered beneath her touch. yujin's hands roamed over kazuha's body, tracing the curves she had come to know so well. she could feel the tension in her friend's muscles, the way she was clinging to her like a lifeline. it made yujin's heart ache, knowing that kazuha was in so much pain. but for now, she pushed those thoughts aside. she wanted to make kazuha feel good, to help her forget about everything else, even if it was just for a little while. 

i'm so scared of my guitar

if i play it, then i'll think too hard

physically, yujin’s body was nothing like sana’s. and yet, despite this, all kazuha could think about and feel in the moment was sana. as yujin's hands explored kazuha's body with a mix of desire and tenderness, the scent of sandalwood enveloped them both. but instead of finding comfort in the familiar aroma, kazuha was overwhelmed by a wave of guilt and confusion. 

the more yujin touched her, the more vividly sana's image flooded kazuha's mind. she could almost feel the gentle caress of her girlfriend's fingers on her skin and hear the soft whisper of her voice in her ear. the scent of sana's perfume, a delicate floral fragrance, seemed to linger in the air, mocking her betrayal.

every brush of yujin's lips against her skin, every husky whisper in her ear, only served as a painful reminder of what she was giving up, of the trust she was shattering. tears stung kazuha's eyes as she buried her face in yujin's neck, her breath coming in ragged gasps. she wanted to scream, to cry out her anguish and confusion to the world. but she couldn't, not while she was in yujin's arms, not while she was betraying everything she held dear. kazuha knew that no matter how good it felt, no matter how much she tried to lose herself in the moment, the guilt would always be there, eating away at her from the inside.

she was making a mistake, one that would haunt her for the rest of her life. and yet, she couldn't seem to stop herself from falling deeper into the abyss of her own desires.

kazuha was tired of thinking, tired of the guilt and confusion that seemed to consume her every waking moment. in yujin's arms, she could pretend that everything was okay, that she wasn't shattering the foundation of her relationship with sana. she could lose herself in the heat of the moment, in the pleasure of yujin's touch, and forget about the consequences that would surely come.

once you let the thought in, then it's already done

so i'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love

it was almost midnight when kazuha went home. the alcohol had long since worn off, leaving her with a pounding headache and a heart that felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. the walk home was a blur, the streets empty and silent save for the occasional passing car. kazuha barely registered her surroundings, her thoughts consumed by the events of the night. as she finally reached her apartment, kazuha fumbled with her keys, her hands shaking as she tried to unlock the door

sana wouldn’t be home until tomorrow since she went to study and sleepover at miyeon’s place. 

the tears she had been holding back began to spill over, cascading down her cheeks like a relentless storm. she turned away from the window, feeling the walls of her small apartment closing in on her. the familiar space felt alien and suffocating, reminding her of the joy that had once filled it—joy that now felt painfully out of reach.

she stumbled back to the bed, collapsing onto the sheets that still smelled faintly of sana’s perfume. as she buried her face into the pillow, the scent enveloped her like a warm embrace, and kazuha couldn’t help but cry harder. the tears soaked into the fabric, mingling with her longing and despair.

“why can’t i just be happy?” she sobbed into the pillow, her voice muffled as the weight of her confusion bore down on her. she felt so lost, caught in a whirlwind of emotions that she couldn’t untangle. the thought of sana brought a mix of warmth and guilt that twisted her stomach in knots.

kazuha’s hands trembled as she clutched the pillow tighter, feeling the desperate need to escape her own skin. she wanted to be someone else, someone who didn’t carry the burden of conflicting feelings. frustration surged within her, and before she could think twice, she ripped off her shirt, feeling the cool air against her skin.

yeah, i'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love

i pretend that it's love

she needed more. she needed to feel close to sana, to wear her essence like armor against the chaotic storm inside her. in a feverish panic, she reached for sana’s clothing, pulling out a soft hoodie from the closet that had been left behind. it was a comfort, a reminder of the moments they had shared—snuggling on the couch, late-night talks, and the tender kisses that had once felt so right.

kazuha slipped it over her head, the fabric enveloping her like a second skin, but it only heightened her sense of loss. the realization that she couldn’t just have that feeling back broke her further. she fell back onto the bed, sobbing into the pillow once more, the soft fibers absorbing her cries as she gripped the hoodie like a lifeline.

“it’s not fair,” she cried, her voice raw with emotion. “i just want to be happy with you, sana.” the tears flowed freely, each sob racking her body as she let her pain pour out into the night. the room felt heavy with her anguish, the shadows lengthening around her as she struggled to breathe through the overwhelming tide of her emotions.

with each cry, kazuha felt a small part of her unravel, a knot of pain and confusion that she had kept so tightly bound within her. she clawed at the sheets, feeling the weight of her heartache crashing down like waves against a rocky shore. “i don’t want to feel this way,” she gasped, the words escaping her lips between sobs. 

“i just want to feel you.”

'cause what if i never find anything better?

the doubt always creeps through my mind

the japanese girl knew she could never get anyone better than sana. the way she laughed, the way her eyes sparkled when she talked about her dreams, the warmth of her embrace—it all felt irreplaceable. but with that knowledge came a crushing sense of fear. if she couldn’t make this work, if she continued down this path of uncertainty and pain, would she be left with nothing but regret?

the japanese girl buried her face into the pillow once more, letting the tears flow freely as the realization hit her like a wave crashing against a rocky shore. she didn’t want to hurt sana; she didn’t want to be the cause of her sadness. but each time she thought about confessing her fears, the image of sana's smile made her heart ache.

how could i ever hurt someone so perfect? kazuha thought, squeezing her eyes shut. the ache of her heart felt almost unbearable, the conflicting feelings swirling in her chest like a storm threatening to consume her whole.

she wished for a sign, something to guide her through the fog of uncertainty. but all she could feel was the sharp sting of doubt clawing at her heart, whispering reminders of her insecurities. what if this was all she would ever have? 

what if letting sana go meant losing everything that mattered?

so we'll stay together 'cause, how could i ever

trade somethin' that's good for what's right?

her breaths came in shaky gasps as she pressed her face deeper into the pillow, wishing for a moment of clarity. all the doubts, the questions, the unspoken fears—they wrapped around her like chains, holding her captive in a prison of her own making.

kazuha gripped the sheets tighter, her emotions boiling over as she felt the cool fabric beneath her fingertips. she had to make a choice, but the thought of losing sana was unbearable.

tears streamed down her cheeks, and she let out a choked sob, feeling as though the weight of the world was pressing down on her. in that moment, she knew. i can’t lose her. i don’t want to lose her. the realization crashed over her like a wave, washing away the doubts that had plagued her.

even if she no longer felt in love with sana, she still wanted the girl to stay. it was selfish, it was cruel, it was messy, and it was all built on a lie. 

oh, i'm so scared of my guitar

it cuts right through to my heart

kazhua fell asleep on the bed, sprawled out in a tangle of sheets and remnants of her own emotional turmoil. the darkness of the room wrapped around her like a heavy blanket, but it did little to shield her from the tempest of thoughts that raged within.

a few hours later, the soft light of dawn seeped through the curtains, casting a warm glow across the room. kazuha stirred, the sound of familiar footsteps approaching pulling her from her restless sleep. she felt the mattress dip slightly as sana sat on the edge, her voice gentle and soothing. “baby, wake up. i made breakfast.”

kazuha blinked, her eyes still puffy from crying. she turned to face sana, who looked as radiant as ever, her hair cascading over her shoulders like sunlight spilling over the horizon. “morning,” kazuha mumbled, her voice thick with sleep and remnants of tears.

sana’s face lit up with a smile, the kind that always made kazuha’s heart race. “i hope you’re hungry! i made your favorite.” the older girl stood, pulling kazuha’s comforter off and revealing her disheveled state. “get up, sleepyhead!”

with a soft groan, kazuha sat up, her mind still foggy from the emotional breakdown of the night. as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, she caught a glimpse of sana bustling about the kitchen, a flurry of energy and love. it made her feel sick. she felt nauseous.

but as the smell of scrambled eggs and toast filled the air, kazuha felt the tears threaten to return. she quickly blinked them away, pushing down the overwhelming wave of emotion.

“c’mon, i made extra just for you,” sana called cheerfully, glancing back with a playful grin. “and i even added some of that cheese you like.”

kazuha forced a smile, standing to join her girlfriend at the table. as they sat down, sana poured her a glass of orange juice, her movements tender and caring. zuha picked at her food, every bite a reminder of the love that sana poured into these little acts of kindness. but the warmth in her heart was tinged with guilt, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being untruthful.

sana reached out, placing her hand over kazuha’s, concern etching her features. “hey, are you okay? you seem a bit off.”

kazuha felt her throat tighten, the weight of everything crashing back down. “i just had a bad dream,” she said quickly, the lie slipping from her lips. “that’s all.”

“really?” the older girl’s brow furrowed, her voice softening. “do you want to talk about it?”

kazuha shook her head, forcing a laugh that felt hollow. “no, it’s silly. just stupid stuff.” she wanted to believe that was enough, that she could bury her fears beneath the surface like she always had. but the truth hung heavily in the air between them, and kazuha couldn’t help but feel that her words were a betrayal.

sana squeezed her hand, her eyes filled with concern and affection. “if you ever want to share, i’m here for you. i promise.”

it knows me too well, i got no excuse

i can't lie to it the same way that i lie to you

at that moment, the dam inside kazuha broke once more, tears pooling in her eyes as she fought to keep them at bay. the love sana offered felt like a lifeline, but the younger girl was terrified of the truth, terrified of the thought that she might be the one to hurt the person who loved her so deeply.

“i’m sorry,” kazuha finally whispered, her voice trembling. “i just don’t want to lose you.” she put her head in her hands, the weight of her emotions bearing down on her. she felt horrible, both physically and mentally.

sana’s heart ached at the sight, and she quickly wrapped her arms around kazuha, pulling her close. “you won’t lose me,” she promised softly, rubbing soothing circles on kazuha’s back. “i’m here, okay? we’ll figure it out together.”

kazuha nodded but didn’t lift her head. she felt so lost, so tangled in her own thoughts, and it scared her to think that her confusion could hurt someone like sana.

“let’s take a break from all this,” sana suggested gently, pulling back slightly to look into kazuha’s eyes. “we have the day off from practice, remember? how about we just cuddle up and watch your favorite show? i’ll make popcorn, and we can binge-watch as much as you want.”

kazuha hesitated for a moment, the idea of escaping into the familiar comfort of their show appealing but also intimidating. yet, the thought of being wrapped up in sana’s warmth, of forgetting the world for a little while, was enough to coax a small smile onto her lips. “that sounds nice,” she murmured, her voice still shaky but more hopeful.

“great!” sana beamed, her smile brightening the room. she stood up, reaching out a hand to help kazuha up from the chair. “come on, let’s get cozy.”

i'm so scared of my guitar

when i play it, that's when i think too hard

kazuha wiped away the last of her tears and took sana’s hand, feeling a sense of calm wash over her as they moved to the living room. once there, sana grabbed a couple of soft blankets and set them up on the couch, arranging them just right for maximum comfort.

as they settled in, kazuha curled up against sana, resting her head on the older girl’s shoulder. the familiar theme song began to play, and for a moment, kazuha allowed herself to get lost in the show, the laughter and drama distracting her from her inner turmoil.

sana glanced down, noticing how kazuha seemed to relax into her side. “see? isn’t this better?” she asked softly, tucking a strand of hair behind kazuha’s ear.

“yeah, it is,” kazuha admitted, feeling the warmth radiate from sana. she felt safe here, cocooned in the blankets and the quiet comfort of their shared space.

as the episodes rolled on, kazuha found herself laughing at the antics of the characters, but underneath it all, her mind was still racing. the doubts and fears lingered like a shadow, whispering to her that she was living a lie. but with sana’s heartbeat steady beside her and her girlfriend’s laughter filling the room, kazuha found solace, if only for a little while.

i let the thought in, it's already done

but i'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love

they had binge watched around 1 full season of her favorite show before sana fell asleep against the younger girl. kazuha glanced down at her, a soft smile tugging at her lips. the older girl looked peaceful, her chest rising and falling gently as she snuggled closer, instinctively seeking warmth.

kazuha felt a wave of affection wash over her as she brushed a finger along sana’s cheek, her heart swelling with a mixture of gratitude and sadness. how had it come to this? here was the world’s best girlfriend, offering her everything, and yet zuha was still trapped in her own confusion.

as she watched sana sleep, kazuha’s mind began to wander back to her thoughts from the previous night. she knew deep down that there was nothing more insulting than holding onto someone out of fear—fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of losing the only person who ever made her feel truly safe.

but what kind of love was that? it felt selfish to keep sana tethered to her when she wasn’t sure if her feelings were genuine or just a desperate grasp at familiarity. kazuha felt her heart twist at the thought. 

sana deserved better.

naturally, this left the younger girl with one decision; she had to be better, to do better.

she knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t work, and that it would all fall to pieces, but she had to at least try.

tears pricked at her eyes again, and she felt the familiar sting of helplessness. just then, she felt a slight movement beside her as sana shifted in her sleep, mumbling something incoherent. kazuha wiped her tears away quickly, not wanting to disturb the moment.

instead, she leaned back against the couch, trying to focus on the warmth of sana’s body against hers. as kazuha closed her eyes, exhaustion began to take over, and for the first time that day, she felt the weight of her worries lift, if only just a little.

kazuha drifted off to sleep with sana beside her, holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, she could find a way to navigate the tangled mess of her feelings. she would try and fall in love with her girlfriend again, somehow, someway. 

and for now, that was enough.

yeah, i'll lay in your arms and pretend it's enough

TAGLIST ⸺ ✭ @silantryoo @rosiehrs @niniwhiskers @cwpiqwon @jisooftme @1luvkarina @scarfac3 @santasbitch @lisas-earlobe @wallfl9wer @aerihiltonn @unforgivenangel @uzumakioden @skydreamed @haerinfangs @la-douleur-ne-finit-jamais @haerinkisser @giginings @lilsvx @milanlaia @pandafuriosa60 @wifey-badalee @slowlyturninggay291 @dreamingst99 @7daysronnie @thefckghost @drawing-into-the-night @xszn

[rip-headphones-users]

My Headcannons for how Infected and Kasper operate

Buckle up, this is a long post. Thinking about how characters function in relation to the world around them is basically a hobby of mine, so expect more. (I have others planned for both lampert and unpleasant at the very least)

(Not ship related) (angst heavy sorry)

Kasper’s infection is a brain-rooted/cognito-hazardous parasite

He got it after purposely ignoring a chainmail curse, both as a sort of “fuck around and find out” as well as an outright form of self-harm/self-sabotage.

The parasite is the one that primarily controls all the conscious actions of infected, while kasper now acts sub-consciously.

Its less of a split-mind situation and more of a Venom + Eddie or Gundam + Pilot situation they are two separate entities inhabiting the same body that can potentially act at the same time

It just so happens that the parasite from the chainmail curse has VERY similar desires/interests/motivations to Kasper, so the host/parasite relationship actually works very well.

Infected accidentally makes Kasper lose a decent chunk of weight after it takes over, due to it not being able to feel when Kasper is hungry and forgetting to let him eat

Kasper and Infected can be addressed separately (Lampert, UnpleasantGradient, Folly and maybe a few others know this) and Kasper tends to choose not to respond due to his own apathy, instead opting to let Infected take the lead.

Being able to respawn/no permadeath on the regretevator is the reason why Kasper opted to infect himself, as he saw it as the next closest thing to death/suicide.

Allowing infected to enter his mind has radically reduced Kasper’s lifespan. (He’d be lucky if he made it to his late 30’s)

His nose bleeds when Kasper and infected try to act at the same time

Infected is only transferrable via chainmail

Infected doesn’t feel any of the bodily necessities that kasper has, so its not uncommon for him to collapse of exhaustion, dehydration, hunger, ect. If someone doesn’t remind him.

Infected doesnt feel pain either

Kasper feels it though. A lot.

In fact the whole process of infected entering his mind was incredibly painful as is.

Infected isn’t the reason why things in the elevator/on his own body suddenly lose their texture, neither of them know why that happens now.

They personally aren’t physically effected by it and both find it cool, so neither are bothered.

It’s probably just the result of infected’s malware (thats only technically supposed to effect machines) managing to attach itself to a human. Or maybe Kasper could do that and never previously knew. Who knows. ;)

Kasper/infected can phase through objects that are textureless, including parts of his own body. Anything else will collide as it normally would, and take damage.

Infected will always talk with full leetspeak, (L13k D1$) while Kasper will only have one letter/number substitution (L1ke Th1s)

UG unintentionally named infected that. Basically just looked at Kasper, who had just let a parasite into his mind, and looked at the chainmail virus on his computer, and it went “huh… Bro’s Infected”

Bro is, in fact, infected.

[nari-writes]

...........

The thing is, Tim doesn’t realise Kon doesn’t know his secret identity until Kon sighs, looks over at him longingly, and says, “Man. You’d be so good at this.”

“Good at what?” he asks, distracted by the plans he’s got spread out in front of him. Bruce wants an update on Lex’s new office, but Tim’s been trying to figure out why the old one has an extra hallway that seems to go nowhere. The last time Lex had a hallway that went ‘nowhere’, Tim and Bart had found a cloning lab.

“All the hero stuff, you know?” Kon says, and Tim blinks. He blinks again, trying to catch up while Kon keeps talking, “Like, you’re super smart, you’re super organised, and you’re totally obsessed with mysteries. You’d make a great Robin.”

“What?” Tim asks, feeling vaguely like he’s been shoved into a mirror dimension. But his undershirt is definitely half-hanging out of his laundry basket, and the R’s on the outside, so he can’t have been transported to an alternate dimension sometime within the last two minutes of conversation. Also, wait! he thinks to himself, he’s literally working on a plan to break into Lex’s building with Conner – why would he be doing that if he wasn’t-?

“Yeah!” Kon says, gaining enthusiasm at Tim’s bafflement, “Dude, you’re awesome. We could totally make a case. Where’s your computer? I bet I could get one of your powerpoints in front of Batman. Reasons why Tim Drake should be Robin, created by Superboy and validated by Young Justice.”

“Is it even my powerpoint if you’re going to take credit on making it?” Tim asks, and Kon waves off the question with one hand.

“Well, we can’t present a biased opinion,” Kon says, “and everyone in Gotham knows Robin’s the coolest, so if it was just from a civilian Batman may not take it seriously.”

Batman may not take it seriously, Tim’s brain repeats to itself, and then Tim has to stop himself from cracking up at the thought of Bruce sitting through a powerpoint on why his current Robin would make a ‘super cool’ Robin.

Presented by Superboy.

“Kon,” he says, unable to hide the laughter in his tone. Of course his friend is trying to joke - what other option is there? That Kon doesn't realise he's Robin? “What are you talking about? I can’t give Batman a presentation on why I should be Robin.”

Kon’s mouth twists in a mulish scowl. “Don’t,” he says, sounding more annoyed than Tim would’ve thought at such a joke, “You’re amazing, Tim. You would make an awesome Robin.”

“I know,” Tim says, and tries to ignore the flip in his stomach at how solemn Kon’s expression is, the way he’s serious about every word. It’s making his face feel hot, that Kon hasn’t immediately dropped the compliments, or paired them with an overly flirtatious wink. “Come on, dude, I get it. What bought this on?”

“It just- it’d be cool to hang out with you at the tower. Or do missions with you,” Kon mumbles and Tim stops entirely.

“Kon,” he says, because before it may have been a weird joke Kon was playing, some sort of ego-boost but he knows Kon well enough to read that expression, and- “Kon, I’m Robin. I can’t get Batman a presentation on why I deserve to have my own position.”

This time it’s Kon’s turn to look shell-shocked. “-what.”

“How did you not know?” Tim asks, feeling pained and also a little bit like a bad friend – had he inadvertently lied about something, made Kon think he and Robin were different people? Was he not clear enough when he’d introduced himself to Conner and Bart and Cassie, that weekend before Jason’s attack on the tower? Did Bart and Cassie also not know? Also, wait, back to his first thought of the day: “Why- why did you think I was helping you plan a break in to Lexcorp?”

“Lex sucks?” Kon says, the words an offering, and Tim squints at him.

“You think a normal civilian would help you commit crime?”

“What! How is this a crime?”

“This is literally breaking and entering! Technically, since I’m Bruce Wayne’s ward, it’d also be considered corporate sabotage.”

“It’s not a crime if the victim sucks,” Kon mutters bitterly, and Tim’s squint gets even more aggressive, brow furrowed.

“Kon. What was your explanation for how I knew you were Superboy?”

Kon shrugs, but his face has steadily been getting more and more closed off as his embarrassment deepens. “Dude, I said you were good at mysteries. I thought you just- figured it out. I wasn’t subtle the first time we met.”

“You didn’t have a name the first time we met!”

“What? Oh-” Kon says, “no, okay, the first time I met you as a civvy?”

"Huh?" Tim asks, and Kon cocks his head to the side.

"Yeah! Remember, it was the Mudders charity thing, and Superman and I volunteered in civvies but that girl got stuck in the mud pits so after I went to get her out you helped me hose off and said 'good job Superboy', and then I freaked out and you laughed at me."

"What," says Tim. He does remember that, but there's a key difference between his memory and Kon's- "you were in civvies?"

"Why did you think I kept showing up here as Superboy!" Kon says, this time his turn for exasperation.

"Because I told you my identity?!"

"You said your name was Alvin Draper! You wore contacts!"

"You have x-ray vision! I live with Batman!"

"Tim!" Kon yells, and it's not entirely angry but Kon's suddenly in his face, his hands wrapped around Tim's biceps. "Tim I didn't know! I just thought you were my cool civvy friend who figured out my identity while I was covered in mud and- and-"

Kon's suddenly beaming, and Tim has whiplash.

"Hi, Robin," Kon says, so soft that Tim's heart crawls up his throat with sticky fingers, his face burning. Is there a connection, between the blood rushing to his cheeks, and the migration of his pulse? He knows there's a connection between Kon's palms on his skin and the movement of his heart, at least, but this is-

"Yeah?" he says, and Kon's grin gets bigger.

"I am never ever letting you forget this."

[honourablejester]

Some of my favourite ghoul NPCs in Fallout:

My sister and I are replaying New Vegas lately, and we recently did the Come Fly With Me sidequest again, and since I’m talking about Fallout recently and this quest reminded me how much I fucking love Jason Bright and his merry band of lunatics, I figured I’d talk about some of my favourite ghoul characters in the games I’ve played (3, 4, New Vegas). Specifically non-companion characters, no offense to Raoul. I just like some of the ghouls you just run into.

First off, since we’ve already mentioned him, Jason Bright is such a nutjob, and he is the focal point for such a fantastic, batshit quest that you have to adore him. Yes, he’s a cult leader, and yes, he’s leading the ghouls under him possibly to their deaths based on ‘visions’, and yes, he is using Chris’ delusions to help get them there (and also sends us, the player, into a very annoying set of negotiations), but. How can you not adore the idea of a non-feral glowing one cult leader who is leading his flock into space, and manages to find actual functioning rocket ships to manage it? (Well, functional if you help out and don’t sabotage them, anyway). Also, given that Atom may genuinely be an actual god in this universe, I’m not going to fully rule out the visions, especially since he had a sane enough grasp of them to realise that he was seeing somewhere so irradiated that Chris wouldn’t have survived it. But just for the quest alone, just for the sight of those rocket ships taking off and presumably baffling and/or scaring the pants off half the Mojave, I just love this guy.

Second, one of the best characters in any of the games full stop, and also in one of the best and most batshit sidequests full stop, we have Desmond Lockhart from Fallout 3: Point Lookout. Because he’s a ghoulified James Bond fighting a maniacal brain in a jar supervillain in a rivalry that has been going on since the Great War. That’s just. You cannot beat that. He’s foulmouthed and bitchy and ungrateful and an arse, and he’s fantastic. I love that the mansion you find him in is his enemy’s ancestral home, the cheek on this bitchy ghoul man. I love him. He’s just spectacular.

Third, to round out our ‘best batshit sidequests focused around ghouls’, we have Kent Connolly from Fallout 4, because who wants to play a hammy 40s-style pulpy comic book hero in post-apocalyptia today? You? Excellent! The Silver Shroud is such a fun and fantastic questline, and I also just deeply adore and wish to protect Kent. He’s so sweet and sad and gently pathetic, and he’s not remotely able for the wasteland, and he’s trying to help. A pre-war ghoul clinging to the old radio shows he used to love when the world was less overtly hellish to try and help him cope, and not doing so well, and wanting to bring that hope to other people by resurrecting an old-world hero. He’s very sad and badly adapted, but he’s very sweet, and we always wait to take his quest until we have the rifle skill levelled enough to get him out of his little situation at the end of the quest alive. Because Kent is not allowed to die.

Fourth, on a continued theme of ghouls too nice for this world and who I will cheerfully murder people to protect, we have Gob from Fallout 3. Because everybody’s fucking mean to him, including the game itself, and somebody needs to fix it. GIVE ME A QUEST TO FREE THIS POOR MAN, YOU STUPID GAME. I mean, yes, we always murder Moriarty to help him anyway, which does solve the problem, but I HATE the fact that the game lets you tell his mother he’s a slave, and then doesn’t let you fix it. You just crushed her hopes for nothing, and even if you do get him free anyway later, with no quest to do so, you can’t tell her that. I want to stab FO3 so much for that. Why do you put a poor abused, incredibly nice slave man in front of me and then not let me free him? THERE SHOULD BE A GOB QUEST. If only so I don’t accidently crush poor Carol’s spirits with no hope of then telling her better news later. Because I am murdering Moriarty for the man, I’m not going to leave him enslaved. I don’t do game mods, but if there is one mod I want for 3, it’s that one. Let me free him officially and then tell Carol about it.

Ahem. Anyway. Sorry about that. Moving on (never, I will never move on, I will hold a grudge on this forever, but howandever).

Fifth, and still on the theme of the saddest goddamn ghouls in the wasteland, there is Arlen Glass from Fallout 4. Because he broke my fucking heart and I will never get over it. Giving him that tape from his family had me sobbing. A sweet gentle toymaker and family man who was never home because of work, who talked to his wife and daughter primarily over the phone, and who was still at work when the bombs dropped and never made it home to see them at the end. Who ghoulified, and was left with that grief and regret for the next 200 years. He ripped my heart fully out of my chest. Letting him hear his family’s voices again by retrieving that holotape was one of the most impactful things I’ve ever done in these games, and it was the one moment where I desperately wanted to refuse the quest reward. We fortified the Slog to hell and back to make sure Arlen was safe. Again, would die and kill for this man without a thought.

And then, in slightly less obsessive fashion, some honourable mentions:

Captain Zao, Fallout 4. Because there is something so quietly sad about his whole situation, trapped in a tiny vessel while his crew goes feral around him, keeping watch over the ruined country he helped destroy, wanting only to go home, and relying on enemies with extremely justified grudges to help him. No one won the Great War, and Zao is proof of it. We help him, every time. All he wants is to go home, after spending more than 200 years trapped wondering how much of it is left for him to find when he gets there. What the fuck would shooting him do, in the face of that? No one won the war. Let’s just let those it destroyed find what peace they can.

The Vault Tec Representative, Fallout 4. Because I just feel so sorry for the man. You never even learn his name. He was left out to die by his company, and he knows it, and after 200 years ghoulifying and rotting, out you pop, fresh as a fucking daisy from the vault he put you in, just to rub it fucking home. It’s not the Sole Survivor’s fault, but you definitely can’t blame him for being sore.

And finally, Daisy, from Fallout 4. I want to mention her because I do love her, that of all the quests you pick up from people in Goodneighbour, hers is to try and clear out the Library, because she remembers it from when she was a girl and she’d like to see it at least not overrun, if not quite restored. I love a nice bookworm, tough enough to survive Goodneighbour, and to put her caps into trying to bring a little civilisation back to the wasteland.

But Daisy also highlights a bit … There aren’t too many important female ghouls? Ones with cool quests around them. There are quite a few scattered around the various games, sure, but not too many you can really interact with like the boys above. There are a few memorable ladies around, like Keely from New Vegas, the tough as nails scientist who survives Vault 22 in New Vegas, Carol and her partner in Fallout 3, and then Beatrix Russell, also in Vegas, who has a tiny but extremely memorable part in the ‘find hookers for the casino in Freeside’ quest, just for being a (potential) ghoul cowboy dominatrix who likes to have a good time and believes that ‘good times’ are a full-contact sport. Like. She’s pretty damn memorable.

But there is, at least in the three games I’ve played, a bit of a dearth of full-questline-attached, batshit-shenanigans-ahead lady ghouls, and that’s another thing I could wish changed. Heh.

But yeah. Ghouls are some of the best characters in these games, and they definitely have some of the best quests attached to them too. And a lot of them will break your heart as well. Heh.

I do love this universe. A lot.

[gohannygo]

Emerie lore speculation post?!! :O

Okay guys this is my little gift to myself for finishing my school work on time. Also like low key regardless if you agree or not, drop your Emerie predictions/thoughts in the comments— because for whatever reason my brain has attached itself to her, but she has like 5 mins of screen time and vary little discourse surrounding her :D

Okay guys I’m get real with you, I don’t think Emerie was created as an enhanced clone, or with some kind of special ability. I think she was made to be as plain and reg-like as possible.

Based on Nala Se’s reaction to Omega’s blood being sampled and tested, we can assume she knew and maybe even was responsible for Omegas ability to support an M-count. What I think happened was, Nala se was like “Oh oops it appears I have gotten emotionally attached to this child so I’m keeping her as my own, but I dont wanting any snoopers out there to trying to figure out whats so special about her,” so she created Emerie as a decoy of sorts. Essentially a female version of a reg to send out to the world to prove that theres no reason for anyone to inquire about Omega because look how regular female clones are. Like in a super heartbreaking way, my theory is that Emerie was essentially made to have no identity. To be an obedient little placeholder to take attention away from Omega’s existence.

Wow thats cool but why does it matter?

OKAY so throughout the premiere we saw that maybe there was some trouble in Tantiss paradise for Emerie. Shes been content(?) with complying and doing what is asked of her up until this point, but we saw her be willing to break rules for Omega’s sake, and we also saw how shaken she looked when Hemlock was like “Return to the lab, Dr. Karr”. She also looked like she was really pondering things at the end of episode three when she discovered Omega’s ability to support an M count transfer.

I think maybe during the rest of the season we’ll see her start to grapple with what she really wants to do here, as (I believe, in her own little way), she now has a sister she cares about and wants to protect. I think Omega, through her doll making and Batcher taming, has shown Emerie a little bit of light. That clones can have their own wants, and makes choices based off of them. But really, I don’t think a person who has presumably grown up being conditioned to follow rules and see herself as property would be able to quickly break out of that rigid structure shes used to and make a personal choice to try and keep Omega safe in a significant way.

What? Okay please just bear with me. Wording things is not my forte.

I think Nala Se will see an opportunity to further get in the head of an already torn Emerie. I think she might reveal her original purpose of essentially being made to protect omega. And emerie, who already sort of sees herself as a tool to being used for some greater purpose, will then feel almost like shes been given “permission” to disobey. Sort of like “Oh damn, not only is this something I want to do, but more importantly it was the purpose I was designed for yassssss”. I think she will continue acting as normal but will basically be a shooter on the inside for Omega and it will build up to her sabotaging further experimentation done on Omega if shes captured.

Idk if this makes sense or is dumb. But I just think it could be a cool avenue. Because we’ve seen clones grapple with what theyve done under imperial command and have seen some of them change their ways which is awesome. And, I think it could also be cool to see a character whos been so shaped by her upbrining, and doesnt have that soldier-ly sheer force of will to just defect. I think it could be cool to see someone go about a change of allegiance in a more roundabout way where they basically have to reason themselves through it because they arent equipped to do it any other way. But yeah its 2 AM now so goodnight.

Bonus: Here is an educational diagram I made of Emerie being “sent elsewhere” circa twentysomething BBY

[creature-wizard]

"If the Law of Assumption is fake, what about the success stories?"

This is a question gotten a few times, so I figured I'd do a post on it.

First of all, the methods used by LOA practitioners to change their beliefs about themselves would certainly have profound psychological benefits to many people who'd internalized false beliefs about their personal agency and value as people. There are a lot of great brain hacks here to break yourself out of learned helplessness and unwittingly sabotaging yourself and others through the Pygmalion Effect.

Here I would like to state: if these methods have helped you regain your personal agency, learn to love yourself, and develop healthy relationships with people, then by all means keep doing them. There's nothing wrong with using affirmations or using a little make-believe to make yourself believe.

Next, there's really know way of knowing for sure whether the LOA actually had anything to do with people's apparent successes. Like if somebody tries to manifest money and finds a hundred dollar bill on the ground within a week, it doesn't necessarily mean that the LOA was the cause of that. Sometimes people just find dropped money; it's not exactly statistically improbable.

Of course, it also doesn't mean that they didn't somehow metaphysically arrange for a hundred dollar bill to come their way. But even if they did, it wouldn't prove that Neville Goddard was right about literally everything, much less the extreme solipsism he pushes in pieces like The Pruning Shears of Revision.

We've also got to remember confirmation bias, where people are more likely to remember things that support their beliefs and dismiss whatever doesn't. Somebody might try to manifest a hundred things, get five of those things, and count the five as proof the LOA works, ignoring the ninety five that didn't. The reality is that the more things you try to manifest, the more likely it is that at least one of them will actually happen.

Also, there's the whole affirm and persist/living in the end deal, where people are supposed to just behave as if they have everything they want. When you see people posting about their successes, they might just very well be trying to act as if their desires have already manifested. They might not actually have it at all.

Finally, people just lie sometimes. Tumblr itself was host to the infamous hivliving, a blogger who lied about having HIV, among... many other things. If you ever want to learn just how ridiculously dedicated someone can be to keeping up a lie online, look into the story of MsScribe sometime. If you think nobody in the LOA community is lying, I got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

In fact, Neville Goddard most probably lied about some pretty important shit. You've probably learned that he learned about the Law of Assumption from this Ethiopian rabbi named Abdullah, who supposedly got it from Kabbalah.

The thing is, if you've studied mysticism and the occult for any length of time, you pretty quickly realize that claiming to have been taught by a mysterious foreigner is pretty much just code for "I pulled it out of my ass."

It's also pretty obvious that the Law of Assumption has more in common with New Thought and Protestant beliefs about divine reward and punishment than it does with Kabbalah, which is a closed practice to non-Jews. (If you want to know about the history of Kabbalah, and get enough of an idea of what it's actually about so that you know why the Law of Assumption has nothing to do with it, I recommend Dr. Justin Sledge's lecture series over here.)

Additionally, Goddard's claim that the Kabbalah actually supports his obviously Christian form of mysticism isn't only just absurd, it echoes centuries of antisemitic Christians claiming that Kabbalah actually proves that Jesus is the messiah in order to try and convert Jews.

Goddard's use of the Bible, by the way, is appalling. If you've ever read the texts he quote, it's obvious that he's just ripping passages completely out of context to spin them into something that was definitely never intended by the writers. In other words, he's blatantly lying. (And by the way, if you ever want to learn about the real history of early Christianity, I recommend the work of Dr. Bart D. Ehrman. He's also got a YouTube channel over here.)

Now tell me this: if Neville Goddard so blatantly and so brazenly lied about the source of his ideas, why should we believe him when he claims that the Law of Assumption can do literally anything? Shouldn't we consider that maybe, just maybe, he might have lied about some of that other stuff, too?

[katkalis-the-fanartist]

"Oh ho ho...You're one of my brother's goons sent here to sabotage my plans!"

The minion of the Heat Miser stood in place, limbs trembling not only from the chilled, crispy air of the Snow Miser's lair, but in sheer terror of what might happen now that they were spotted. As the towering icy man took slow steps forward, his potential victim shivered with hitched breath and began to lift a foot, preparing to dash away.

Mr. Snow notices this, and his right hand rises from his side, his fingers emitting small icy particles as his scepter begins to shape itself out of thin air.

"Stand your ground, ashrat." He states firmly from his wide crack of a grin, eyelids lowered while glaring, "Or I will see to it that your feet never leave that spot again."

What happened next took place in an instant. The terrified spy turns to run, only for them to nearly fall forward as their feet suddenly freeze to the ice floor. The cold mister had grasped and aimed his scepter forward as fast as lightning to shoot beams of ice at their feet. The ice burned almost as hot as their Lord's breath, ironically. Their feet then became numb incredibly quickly, quicker than they would have in normal snow.

Snow and ice summoned directly from the Lord of the Cold was far worse than anything that had naturally accumulated. It felt as if it was already too late to try and salvage their feet at all. To make matters worse, the Snow Miser now approached the stuck prey, his scepter still tight in his grasp. He kept that sickly grin as he stared his catch down.

"My, you dare to try and test me? I suppose it makes sense that you'd have no brain. That fiery fool never had sense, so why would his lackeys?" He closes his eyes and shakes his head with a "tsk tsk" from his tongue.

The minion of heat could now only whimper quietly, glancing back and forth between the Snow Miser and the direction they came sneaking in from. It was too late now. They doubted they were going to make it out.

A gloved hand suddenly shot forth and gripped their throat. The glove did nothing to contain the sheer cold that came from that hand. They couldn't breathe, but they could hear. They could hear that sometimes kooky voice now deepened, cold, rumbling in the mister's throat. He spoke under his breath, which came out in freezing puffs against the captive's face. They turned their head to face their captor. They both locked eyes.

"My brother and I do have one thing in common, I suppose..."

Ice began to overtake the flesh of the minion's neck. Veins and arteries instantly became sealed shut. Their inner throat pipes were already rendered useless. That voice was now in their ear.

"I don't mind sometimes seeing some white turn red."

All went black for the unlucky idiot. Their head had become encased in an icy prison, and with a hard CRACK, their head had snapped off of their frozen neck and fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. Blood seeped from various slits in the ice shards, staining the ice sheet below.

How convenient, some takeout delivered for Snowy's various creatures of ice to feed upon!

[ladybugpowermakeup]

Okay. Okay. Hear me out. Because I'm Greek mythology trash.

An Odyssey AU for Miraculous Ladybug. Think about it. Adrien is the most Odysseus character I've ever seen. Fake piano playing? Hiding in a fountain? I mean, it practically writes itself. And Marinette as Penelope is equally as perfect - she creates, but she's smart enough to pull it all apart at the end of the day.

Now here is where things get a little strange: Telemachus. Being an avid MLB fanfiction reader (and ignoring all of seasons 4 and 5), I'm very well aware that Adrienette's kids are supposedly going to be Louis, Hugo, and Emma. Now tell me, what could Emma be short for? That's right, Telemachus. So hear me out - Adrien was drafted into the war *Before* Emma was born, so he never knew he had a daughter and his last request for his child was to name them Telemachus. But when she was born a girl, she was nicknamed Emma. Hugo and Louis don't exist in this version, obviously.

So we have our main family, what about everyone else? Well, we have Adrian's two crewmates, Polites and Eurilochus. Or in this case, Nino and Felix. Nino is his friend who fought at his side and is tragically killed along the ride back, causing Adrian to go into a spiral of grief, whereas Felix is his somewhat suspicious and angry second in command who can't understand why Adrien is being so reckless with his own life and that of the crew to get back to his wife and child. So eventually he starts straight up sabotaging the trip to try and get through to Adrien, which doesn't ever work because when Adrien is in love, he doesn't notice other people.

As for the people they meet on their travels:

Circe is Lila - this one feels pretty self explanatory, except for the fact that Lila would never care that much about the nymphs around her, so I'm thinking she lives alone on the island and basically functions as a non-water siren - she draws men in with comfort and beauty and then turns them into pigs.

The wind god Aeolus is just Trixx - they're weird and whimsical and would absolutely give someone a bag of wind with the word "gold" written on it.

Calypso is Chloe, left there alone on this island for "protection" from her overbearing father, a minor deity. Again, this just kind of makes sense in my brain. And she gets a little bit of a redemption when she finally willingly lets Adrien go home.

When the crew of the ship go down into the underworld, they meet "Tyresius", who in this case is Master Fu. Weird cryptic old wise guy who's maybe dead? Yeah. That fits.

And finally we have the deities themselves. Like I said, Trixx is already accounted for, so we have three main ones - Posideon, Athena, and Hermes.

Posideon is most definitely ShadowMoth - not really any meaning behind this, we're just making him mysterious and powerful and angry at Adrien for seemingly no reason. But he's doing his best to keep this man from reaching home, possibly because early in the journey, Adrien was instrumental in killing a sentimonster, which canonically is kind of a piece of the creator.

Athena and Hermes are two of a pair - Tikki and Plagg, obviously. Wisdom and trickery, sounds just about right to me.

Anyway, this has been on my brain. Enjoy the weird crossover! If you do anything with it, please tag me!

[emblemxeno]

Something ironic is that even though 3H is a massive game with a very strong and consistent creative fandom, I have had no creative spark with that game beyond discourse lol.

Of course, my type of creative output is different from most people's; I like reading into things, analyzing dialogue to recontextualize characters as a whole, look for real world analogies, hypothesize potential non-canon interactions, etc.

E.g., the Nohr siblings and their relationships with their father, with each other, or the court is never explicitly laid out in detail as to what happened. At best, you get basic extrapolations such as "we were told not to talk to Azura" or "our mothers used us as tools to curry favor and to sabotage/hurt one another."

Put those backstories and character traits against events in the story? It makes you think. Elise, Leo, and Camilla are stressed tf out and panicking over Xander and Corrin's fight during chapter 2, cuz siblings hurting each other = one's gonna die to them. Corrin choosing Hoshido or even siding with neither kingdom is a strike against Xander's ego and his built up sense of normalcy as a stoic fraternal unit trying to hold together the last remnants of his family. Camilla intertwines violence and love because she was raised receiving love and affection from her mother only after being subservient to her mom's terrible actions towards the other concubines and royal children. Leo is on Forrest's case at first because he has his on warped sense of "bringing shame and dishonor" to his family, an amalgamation of his loneliness when the other sibs focus on Corrin despite his own accomplishments and his mom most likely drilling it into his head that he has to be talented to be an honorable prince; it's little wonder he lets up on Forrest when he sees his son doing something noble and selfless like healing and attending to an entire town. Elise is an outlier because she's so young, and that either manifests as reckless, well-meaning bravery, or blubbering, immature outbursts draped in ignorance; she knows nothing beyond her supposedly good family unit other than what's been told to her second-hand, so how is she supposed to react when the rug is pulled from under her?

With 3H I don't get that kind of stuff, partly because the game is just that packed with dialogue and auxiliary comments from characters (IMO, a big reason why things seem bloated), and partly because of the way the story is delivered; since Byleth is a silent protagonist, character dialogue seesaws between having a conversation and telling/expositing at you, which results in a restrictive writing style that's actively harmful to implicit writing or subtext. There's nothing to scratch your brain about, because the game pretty much does that for you. And while many think having characters comment on story events each chapter in Garreg Mach is a positive to world building and narrative depth, I actually think the opposite, because the medium in which this dialogue and insights are given-talking to them with a silent protag who can't ever have an actual conversation-feels like I'm a scientist putting variables against each other and extracting data and information from the results, rather than a story with believable characters with lives, dreams, and relationships.

...Though, writing this out, maybe that's why it's appealing to other creatives. Maybe it's the equivalent to getting a 2,000 piece lego set, and switching only a few things around without dismantling the entire base project. The product itself is seen as art that can be altered in specific, minute ways that inspire curiosity and creative reaction.

I, on the other hand, get the most fun out of thinking about why the pieces fit together in the first place and how well they do in practice. Different strokes, I guess.

[mha-grievances]

Ok, so I know that I constantly criticize MHA. I constantly bitch and moan about how much missed potential there are in the series, how the pacing is ass, how Hori’s comedy is atrocious, how there are many plot holes, how Katsuki is an utterly shit character, yada yada yada. The way you see me talk about MHA probably makes you think that I feel it’s the worst anime of all time.

Trust me, it’s far from the worst thing that’s out there. Like any sort of media, anime is littered with some bizarre, atrocious stuff.

Future Diaries is an anime that has cemented itself as a hugely influential aspect of pop culture, Yuno being THE character that defines the idea of a Yandere. However the series goes into batshit crazy territory that makes absolutely no sense, the MC is all kinds of shitty, and, well, shit happens just to happen.

Redo of Healer is revenge r*pe fantasy that has no well defined characters. They’re either comically fucked up or just there to contribute to the MC’s harem. Also magic sperm.

Pupa is an incest anime (yes, anime, not hentai) about a sister who needs to eat flesh to survive and a boy who can regenerate. For the sake of your sanity, I’m not going to talk about this further.

School Days goes off the rails and has perhaps some of the most unlikable characters to ever exist, including the MC himself. Meant to subvert the typical romance visual novel, things get into wtf territory fast. Honestly I constantly debate whether School Days is a masterpiece in what it does or if it falls under the same pit traps that other series that aim to “subvert expectations” does.

These series (except for perhaps School Days, still tryna figure out where I stand on it) are far worse than MHA, which is incompetent at worst.

So why do I criticize MHA rather than these series?

Well, MHA is an interesting beast. Future Diaries, Redo of Healer, and Pupa know what they are. They know that their storytelling isn’t the best. They know that they’re fantasies for perverts, people who just wanna watch something fucked up, those who like the shock factor/harem aspects, all that stuff. They don’t try to be anything more than what they are, and there’s nothing wrong with that (and by that I mean there’s nothing wrong with them not being deep. Whether the content shown might be is a different topic all together). MHA is a series that tries to offer commentary on the real world and wants us to take it seriously, but there are barriers that stop this from happening. Whether it’s Hori failing to allow his MC to breathe which makes things feel angsty for the sake of it, his failure to tackle the themes in a meaningful and non-hypocritical manner, his “comedy”, missed potential that he doesn’t capitalize on or cares to, the creation of characters meant to embody certain themes but fail at doing so (Katsuki, Shota, etc.), fake tension that goes nowhere, or Hori springing shit at the last minute to up the stakes but only makes people scratch their heads. MHA is a series that, despite it being a colorful world of superheroes and having a charming set of characters, is meant to serve as a criticism of society and a dive into what it means to be a hero. Sadly it fails to do this accurately. I can meme and shit on Pupa, Future Diaries, and Redo of Healer, but besides edgy 12 year olds on YouTube who think they’re philosophers, everyone will pretty much agree that these anime aren’t good. Even the fans will agree. Wildly entertaining as fuck, yes, but not good, and they weren’t designed to be good or thought provoking. They were designed to appeal to a certain demographic and keep them entertained as they turn their brains off. MHA however demands that we use our brains, to analyze the material that’s being shown and to question ourselves, but it sabotages its themes at numerous points and that’s what makes MHA the subject of my analysis. It’s a series that ultimately fails at what it’s trying to do, and what it’s trying to do is pretty big. Take Katsuki for example. MHA is constantly shoving down my throat that Katsuki is a good person and that he’s worthy of being a hero, but it does it in an obnoxious way and constantly contradicts itself with Katsuki’s actions. Meanwhile the other anime I mentioned don’t bother propping their characters like the second coming of Christ, some even embracing the fact that a character is shitty, and if they do try shoving down my throat a character is good, it’s done in such a laughably bad way that it’s far more funny than it is annoying.

To me it’s interesting HOW MHA manages to fail at what it’s trying to do and it serves as an example of what works and doesn’t work when writing a similar series. In MHA what works really works and shows that there is immense potential in MHA to be something amazing, further proven by the fact that some of the characters and some of the arcs are well written. However what doesn’t work really reduces the quality of the series and makes you wonder how one writer can understand the assignment in some instances and completely bomb it in others (especially in key moments where the writer is meant to give it their all and showcase WHY their series is so popular and WHY they chose to write this series and about certain topics rather than do something else).

So yeah, if you wonder why this blog was made, and why MHA over everything else, now you know 😂.

[artoile]

hi hi hi 👀 im here to ask about jamiazu !!

what got you into shipping them? like what aspects about their dynamic and potential chemistry and stuff . i usually love to hear abt that kind of stuff i hope the ask isnt too silly teehee

HELLOOOOO SORRY IM LATE. Work and life have been kicking my ass and I wanted to take my time answering this 💀

There are many things I love about azjm/jamiazu and I could write thousands upon thousands of words waxing poetics about why I adore their dynamic

But...if I'm being completely honest with myself...the first thing that initially got me into the pair was.............................................................(wait for it)................................................................................................................

.......................................hakukai

IUDAWHAUWGDYAWGDYAUGDAAWDAD

Now. You might be thinking, "Kono, what the HELL does hakukai have to do with azjm?!?"

And to that I say. Hear me out:

Do you get me. Do you see my vision. Are the worms crawling inside my brain coming through? Is this anything? (<- Person who is completely deranged and delusional)

Hakukai and Azjm are obviously very different pairs for many reasons but I think they have some core similartities that REALLY appeal to me: They're both dynamics with two classmates where one half wants to learn EVERYTHING there is to know about the other one. Person A (Azul & Hakuba) wants to dissect and understand the other's motives as thoroughly as possible and bring everything about them to the light. A is very straightforward about their interest--- but it is over-the-top to a degree that may come as very cloying and saccharine, leading Person B (Jamil & Kaito) to interpret it as dishonest. Consequently, B is very suspicious of A's motives and tries to keep them at bay. B has a part of themselves they're trying to hide (With Kaito, it's KID. With Jamil pre-CH4 it's his skills and real personality) but they know A is able to see through their bullshit.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, TO SAY I ONLY LIKE JAMIAZU BECAUSE OF HAKUKAI WOULD BE UNFAIR. It's the main reason the ship appealed to me initially and why I started looking into it, but

I think hakukai is ultimately a soft ship. Despite being increbily chaotic, Hakuba and Kaito are both good, selfless guys at heart. Azul and Jamil are anything but.

There's a lot more emotional constipation and resentment in azjm,as well as dishonesty and selfishness on both sides. Azjm lends itself to more mindgames and tension. Azul and Jamil are both cruel and conniving; they are both willing to use and exploit one another, making for a really tenuous relationship...And that is fascinating to me!

Azul is a fundamentally greedy character that is used to taking stuff from others for his own benefit while Jamil is someone who has been forced to give everything and not have anything of his own due to circumstance and these traits are both their undoing. Azul becomes too fixated with the things he has accumulated because they're a tangible representation of his own worth while Jamil becomes resentful, bitter and self-sabotaging due to the things he's been forced to give up due to his position. I like that jamiazu as a dynamic has the potential of challenging those roles and making the characters question their positions as they interact and become increasingly frustrated with one another. Azul dislikes wasted potential. Jamil is a wealth of wasted potential. Jamil resents those free flaunt their skills and possessions. Flaunting is a core part of who Azul is.

Azul trying to rationalise his interest in Jamil as a business endeavour despite it bordering on ridiculous and unprofitable because he's 100% convinced Jamil is a worthy investment. Jamil struggling with the idea of seeing Azul as someone on par with him and a possible partner to help him reach his full potential. Their image of one another slowly morphing from "valuable asset" to genuine equals.

Not to mention how absolutely terrible (for everyone else) they would be together!!!

I also really love Octarabia/Scaravinelle as a dynamic. So I really like how the tweels and Kalim play a part in the overall relationship as well. But that's a topic for another day!!!

ANYWAY. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS ANSWERED THE QUESTION AT ALL. WADIUHAWUDHAWUIDHAWUIHDAUIDW I could talk about them all day. The snide comments. The scheming. The constant observation. The 4D chess. Jamil losing his mind. You get me.

With all that said. Phantom thief Jamiazu AU when? 🤨

[notoneopinion]

The Newsletter #1: The Demon {social anxiety}

Social anxiety is a demon.

I don't mean to come on here and announce the obvious, but there is no point in making it more complicated than it needs to be. Social anxiety is the pesky demon that latches itself to everyone at some point; depending on a number of factors, that demon can be a daily torment.

My experience with The Demon dates back to early childhood. I remember being as young as six, hiding under my bed so my parents wouldn't make me go to the shops with them. And God forbid I actually did go to the shops, because I just spent the entire time trying to breathe, which must have looked alarming to those poor shoppers. As I grew older, this demon on my shoulder was no longer saying I couldn't go out for my own good; suddenly, I couldn't go out because my hair wasn't sitting right, or my weight wasn't low enough, or my face just simply could not be showcased to the public, because people would surely make fun of me for it. Suddenly the public wasn't the problem - I was. Only I didn't realise that until I started therapy.

I'm not going to tell you that therapy was my cure-all for social anxiety, because it wasn't. I will never talk someone out of going to therapy, as I'm actually a great advocate for it, and the proof of its benefits are right there for anyone to look at. Saying that, my relationship with therapy was a weird one; I was being forced to talk to a person about my crushing fear of people. I found myself dreading those sessions, yet despite this, I was able to gain some pretty decent in-sight into why my brain functioned the way it did. The way it does. The thing about therapy is that it forces you to go right back, because nine times out of ten, that's where the problems stem from. My therapist trailed me through a field of reasons why I was so terrified of leaving the house, going from high school bullies all the way to something like coming from a big family. Stuff a person wouldn't even begin to think, because - well, I always just put it down to me being messed up in the head. I didn't bother going beyond that line of thought, but that's the beauty of professional help! It made me feel better knowing it wasn't just pure self-sabotage making me this way - there are actually so many factors out of your control that play massive {The Biggest} parts in your mental health.

After getting to the root cause of the problem, I made it my mission to focus on myself. There comes a point where you just get sick and tired of being your own worst enemy, and that was the point I was at. Drastic changes had to be made, or I knew I was going to fall under and never crawl back out. It started with me dropping out of public school and moving to homeschooling, which might not seem like the best way to get over anxiety, but it was the start of something incredible for me. Escaping the environment that made me feel stuck and surrounded me with some of the most toxic people - it changed my life. It allowed me to have a clear head for the first time in years, which in turn let me focus on myself. I was able to establish a routine, got myself through GCSE's and A-Levels, grew closer to a family I was too run down to pay any attention to before. All this self-improvement came together, and suddenly I wasn't wearing the baggy clothes. Suddenly I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, because my head was no longer cluttered by these thoughts of self hatred. Of course crowds still scare me, and I'm always more comfortable going out if my fiance is with me - but I have a fiance! I'm going out! I'm making friends, because taking care of myself, putting myself first, made me realise that I am worthy of showing my face to the world, even if it is just in short bursts.