#this guy is actually genuinely seriously messed im im so deadass

[rip-headphones-users]

My Headcannons for how Infected and Kasper operate

Buckle up, this is a long post. Thinking about how characters function in relation to the world around them is basically a hobby of mine, so expect more. (I have others planned for both lampert and unpleasant at the very least)

(Not ship related) (angst heavy sorry)

Kasper’s infection is a brain-rooted/cognito-hazardous parasite

He got it after purposely ignoring a chainmail curse, both as a sort of “fuck around and find out” as well as an outright form of self-harm/self-sabotage.

The parasite is the one that primarily controls all the conscious actions of infected, while kasper now acts sub-consciously.

Its less of a split-mind situation and more of a Venom + Eddie or Gundam + Pilot situation they are two separate entities inhabiting the same body that can potentially act at the same time

It just so happens that the parasite from the chainmail curse has VERY similar desires/interests/motivations to Kasper, so the host/parasite relationship actually works very well.

Infected accidentally makes Kasper lose a decent chunk of weight after it takes over, due to it not being able to feel when Kasper is hungry and forgetting to let him eat

Kasper and Infected can be addressed separately (Lampert, UnpleasantGradient, Folly and maybe a few others know this) and Kasper tends to choose not to respond due to his own apathy, instead opting to let Infected take the lead.

Being able to respawn/no permadeath on the regretevator is the reason why Kasper opted to infect himself, as he saw it as the next closest thing to death/suicide.

Allowing infected to enter his mind has radically reduced Kasper’s lifespan. (He’d be lucky if he made it to his late 30’s)

His nose bleeds when Kasper and infected try to act at the same time

Infected is only transferrable via chainmail

Infected doesn’t feel any of the bodily necessities that kasper has, so its not uncommon for him to collapse of exhaustion, dehydration, hunger, ect. If someone doesn’t remind him.

Infected doesnt feel pain either

Kasper feels it though. A lot.

In fact the whole process of infected entering his mind was incredibly painful as is.

Infected isn’t the reason why things in the elevator/on his own body suddenly lose their texture, neither of them know why that happens now.

They personally aren’t physically effected by it and both find it cool, so neither are bothered.

It’s probably just the result of infected’s malware (thats only technically supposed to effect machines) managing to attach itself to a human. Or maybe Kasper could do that and never previously knew. Who knows. ;)

Kasper/infected can phase through objects that are textureless, including parts of his own body. Anything else will collide as it normally would, and take damage.

Infected will always talk with full leetspeak, (L13k D1$) while Kasper will only have one letter/number substitution (L1ke Th1s)

UG unintentionally named infected that. Basically just looked at Kasper, who had just let a parasite into his mind, and looked at the chainmail virus on his computer, and it went “huh… Bro’s Infected”

Bro is, in fact, infected.

[cantaffordtherapist42069]

breakdown message/running journal

first and foremost i cannot believe I wasted time getting my nails done to not even get to see them on a dick this is what I get for going with something cool again

part of me feels just absolutely stupid. like i have no idea what's going on or what anything means because i am just so used to being manipulated or lied to or choked out in bathrooms. i want to believe u are a genuinely nice person like you seem but part of me feels like you are just really good at hiding that you're just an emotionally dead fuckboy.

but like would i recognize those traits if i were not also an emotionally dead fuckboy probably not.

which is exactly why this week has been so awful.

had this been a week ago i was ready to have the "hey i havent felt any real human emotion in years but if you want me to i can try but like ur dick bomb so i can swing whatever" conversation. deadass i was at times like if he really a fuckboy i guess i can finally get a threesome out of it. (in the interest of funny things I would message u about but wont because i can't tell if you give a shit or not i was so far done caring for alias i suggested he message felecia for a threesome. completely seriously.)

however on wednesday, my anxiety was at an all time high for no reason. and it just kept getting worse all night. and all i wanted was to talk to you. i didnt care if all you did was bitch i just wanted like a ten minute phone call with you because i missed you and talking to you would have made me happy. then on my way home i had to pass a very freshly killed deer which, while interesting to my inner freak because it was like split in half and dragged, all i could think about was that your dumb ass text and snaps all the fucking time while you're driving and that technically speaking you could just hit a deer at like 70 and die and that's it you never get to talk to Dillon again and i lost it i had to pull over to cry. this was partly because i was so high but also mostly because it has been so long since i have cared about the person i was fucking and i am terrified to get genuinely attached to another person like that again. but whatever i thought I could just deal with that later.

then of course the next day was Summers wedding. and yes it was cute and im very happy for them and love is beautiful but like, first off it was weird because i am literally getting a divorce that i could not be happier to finally be getting, but also i am kind of jealous of their relationship, and then when u hit me this week with the "never once contemplated marriage", Dillon i had never been more attracted to you than at that moment. and again all i wanted was to talk to you but you were barely responding so i just volunteered to work all night to get my mind off everything even though it was one of my nights off and i already felt miserable. Then the more i thought about it all night, u bitching about being hungover, i realized that u didnt send me a single drunk text and like.. cant relate! i want to talk to you literally all the time but especially when im drunk and miss you and havent talked to you all day!

friday morning i had mail from the court that the judge on my divorce case put in a removal for dismissal. on my way to the courthouse guess who was behind me! alias! guess who had a panic attack because shes so fucking scared of this actual pussy! me! guess who has to get her paperwork in by the 20th or she has to pay 250 fucking more dollars to the state to file again! me! and of course multiple people have told me that they dont think alias and felecia are doing well and im fucking terrified. i thought theyd at least last a year and buy me some time to heal but nah fuck me. i love feeling absolutely terrified everywhere i go.

i think its probably important you get the whole story. it really explains why im a freak and also why i was temporarily drinking almost every night. but like its really something you sit down and discuss not casually send over a message so a very short version is i knew alias would be abusive within the first week, broke up, got back together when he got back from basic and went to mos school, i knew i was making a mistake because i was crazy about him but i knew he was a piece of shit, cheated on him to convince myself to leave him, never told him and stayed instead, found him sending and receiving nudes and sexting with girls from gone wild on reddit, shit was absolutely awful and we fought non stop for years, he gets out of the marines we move back and he finally admits to me that he thought he wanted kids which i had known he did for a while so wasnt a shock, I smoked half a pack of camels and i was over it. didnt love him at all. didnt leave because he begged me to stay because "he didnt he just needed to discuss wanting kids", then after i specifically warned him i was going to be emotionally distant, he started getting crazy. he was so miserable all the time and reflected it by acting angry around me intentionally. then it was the busting in to my room at random times to accuse me of not loving him and like i wasnt going to admit to the psycho that i was just with him because i couldn't leave kira with him and yes i was def lying about loving him, and then one night he just flipped and was screaming at my accusing me of cheating on him (not that i even had the time to with how closely he monitored where i was and how long for), and then he choked me. he had both hands around my neck and was pushing so hard he basically threw me into the bathroom wall. then after he realized what he was doing he smashed his head into the bathroom mirror and came into my room begging me to kill him. every night after that i was terrified to stay and terrified to leave and terrified to do anything at all. i really thought killing myself would be how id finally get out. then the night with the police happened and now im staying with my mom and stepdad because i literally do not feel safe anywhere else.

or at least i didn't until i was able to sleep all night with you. i did not think i would ever feel safe sleeping with a guy again and now i miss waking up next to you.

there is so much about you that freaks me out but literally not one red flag and that also freaks me out. i know im a mess. you have a nice normal stable life and im sure you dont want a messy trauma bitch all up in it. but fuck Dillon, if you dont want to see me why the fuck are we always talking

like i know i have done everything possible to get you to keep your distance and all i know how to do is self sabotage but like i can't anymore. i am not capable of acting chill again for another whole fucking month and then imagine you hooking up with way hotter girls and cry every fucking night because i caught feelings for the fuckboy. i miss you, literally, all the time. i check my phone every morning just to see if i have a message from you. i think about you every night. and yes the way you fuck me is literally the best sex ive ever had but i am beyond dick crazy about you. i love just being around you. i could listen to you talk for hours, just nonstop. i am already daydreaming about dates we could go on next summer. and i want to tell you all this but i feel so stupid for feeling anything at all for you when you make me feel like i just dont matter to you and im just an ego boost for you.