#why does watching one scene through a new context hurt my brain so good??

[not-rigel]

u know that scene in ep 3, "the base violence neccessary for change", where silco is giving his speech to vander and sevika is standing there just smoking? i like to think someone invited her to the building and its genuinely the first time she heard silco's pitch.

all of silco's goons are doing something and im supposed to believe she's on her smoke break or something? its perfectly plausible that she's standing there because no told her to do anything. she just goes with it to see the night through. i like the idea of her smoking there and overhearing silco say "i just need to scare them. they won't dare set foot in the underground again." in regards to the fight against piltover and believing his words. she understands that topside WON'T touch a shimmer-infested undercity. even if the undercity lost the initial fight, they'll go from "treat as less than" to "stay away from at all costs" in the eyes of piltover.

plus it makes so much sense why she understands how important sending a message is to topside. she says in the s2 trailer "you have the chance to rally the undercity together. you're a symbol" i interpret this as sevika is loyal to the symbol of Zaun. At some point Vander was the symbol. Vander "built the underground" where solidary kept people alive. but now that tension has heated back up for war, shimmer becomes the symbol of zaun. the "base violence neccessary for change"

plus she just stands in back of the group here, just barely associating herself with him.

silco's gang is ready and running to fight, but sevika isn't. the amount of time she spends just stand there borders on comedic because you're telling me this badass woman is the LEAST involved in all the fighting?? to reiterate, silco hasn't done anything with sevika, never gave her instructions. so she's doing what she can to show her alliance. might not even know her name at that point.

this also makes silco holding sevika back even funnier because she was ready to step in and show him what she can do for the cause. but silco isn't sending someone he doesn't know over to fight on his behalf.

and so finally sevika manages to do SOMETHING for the cause, after silco has used his every resource to take out vander. she pushes silco from the explosion as her show of loyalty.

[noteguk]

pretty in pink | kth | m

— summary; in which you try to rekindle your sex life with a devilish plan and a very sexy, very pink set of langerie. 

— contents and warnings; smut, a bit of fluff, marriage au, taehyung x reader, mischievous use of lingerie, dirty talk, dom!tae x sub!reader, pretty heavy dom/sub themes, constant use of the word “sir”, begging, Tae has a big dick, cock worship, blowjob, deepthroat, cum eating, fingering, hair pulling, a bit of praise, degradation (use of slut/cockslut), but also use of pet names (honey, love, baby, doll…), mentions of cum play, spanking, rough sex, unprotected sex, creampie, orgasm control/denial, overstimulation, impreg kink if you squint, being nasty in the name of love 

— words; 6,4k 

— author’s note; homies… this is basically one long smut scene. There are like 3 paragraphs of context. Brain empty no excuse. 

Requested by anon! Requests are currently closed. 

By the time that Taehyung got home, you had pretty much forgotten you had a plan in the first place.

He removed his shoes after closing the door behind him, his coat hanging over his forearm and an expression of exhaustion plastered all over his face. “Hi, honey,” he called, only slightly aware of your silhouette coming out of the kitchen and into the living room. “How was your day?” 

Now, you see, your day had two main parts. The first (the usual one), was the part that started as soon as your husband left home for work, and you made your unceremonious walk towards the kitchen table, where you proceeded to work yourself. A few years back, you had managed to score an amazing job in the tech industry which allowed you to work mostly from home, and get a great salary while you’re at it — one downside, though, was that things started to get a bit lonely as your husband’s hours increased. 

You knew that Taehyung wasn’t doing it on purpose: he was working hard for a promotion, one that could considerably improve your living situation, and you wouldn’t shoot his plans down like that. But it was a bit disheartening to see him leaving so early and getting home so late, sometimes only after you had already gone to bed. And, besides the emotional void growing inside of you, there was also the sexual one you needed to take care of. 

Which leads you to the second part of your day. The scheming one. 

You and Taehyung used to have an extremely active sex life, practically fucking like rabbits throughout your dating, engagement, and marriage phases. But now things had started to cool down — really, no one’s fault: Taehyung was too tired most days and you felt too moody — and you had started to grow a bit desperate. It wasn’t as if the two of you never had sex anymore, it was just mostly a very vanilla, very boring, once-every-weekend-maybe kind of thing. 

All that being said, it’s understandable why you had started to construct a plan to rekindle that old, dying-out flame of yours. You didn’t want to do anything crazy — regardless of how interesting the idea of handcuffing your husband was, you didn’t think the best approach would be to scare him away from the get-go — so you eventually settled for a few things he particularly liked from back in the dating days. 

(You felt so old thinking that.)  

Number one: baby pink lingerie, the lacy kind. You didn’t know what kind of intense reaction it unleashed in your husband’s primal brain, but you knew that those were his favorites, and that Taehyung never stopped until he could take them off you. For that special occasion, you had even gone out and bought yourself a new set, matched with some semi-transparent thigh high socks that you also knew he loved. Cover all that up with a loose satin robe (the same color, of course), and you were ready to go. 

Number two: a healthy amount of roleplay, matched with absolute submission from your part. Now, that’s where the money was: even if, by some curse placed on him by working countless hours in a corporate, hyper-capitalist job, Taehyung didn’t react to your very sexy, very skimpy set of new lingerie, you knew that would get a reaction out of him. It was exactly the dynamic the two of you liked the most, and you still remembered exactly how to push his buttons. 

It was a perfect plan. 

Only, you forgot about it. 

“It was fine, finally finished coding that page after a bazillion years,” you responded, placing your mug on the coffee table before throwing yourself on the couch. The signs of old age were approaching: your back hurt so much that you could only think about sleeping for the next ten hours. “And yours?” 

Taehyung hadn’t really looked at you yet, instead fighting to hang his coat next to the door. “It was good, actually. My boss told me he has some good news to tell me tomorrow.” 

Your eyes lit up. “You’re getting that promotion?” 

He sighed. “Maybe, I don’t know. I don’t wanna get any expectations, you know my boss. Maybe he’ll just give me a new stapl— What the hell do you have on?” 

You paused, looking down at yourself. Oh. Yeah. You had forgotten about that. Or, rather, you forgot about the second part of your plan — because your very pink, very exposed underwear was staring you right in the face. 

Still, you managed to keep yourself composed. “It’s new, do you like it?” You smiled, pulling your satin robe to the side. It exposed your breasts, made Taehyung clench his jaw at the sight. You needed to snap into submissive mode soon enough if you wanted that to work, but you also needed a few seconds to center yourself. “Baby?” 

You watched as your husband blinked his way back into reality, taking a hesitant step towards you. You wanted to laugh: Taehyung was looking at you like there was a tiger in his living room, and he was trying to find out the best possible approach to deal with it. 

And that was the perfect time to strike. 

You pouted, hand slithering down to the level of your waist so you could untie the loose knot of the robe. “You don’t like it, sir?” The innocent inflection of your voice made his eyes snap up at yours, something dark starting to swim on the bottom of his irises. He was catching the drift. “I bought it just for you.” The robe was pushed to the side, presenting him with the glorious view of your panties; those socks that made him want to bury his face between your thighs. Taehyung took another step in your direction. “If you want, I can change into something else.” 

Just like magic, Taehyung’s expression of exhaustion had been casted away, replaced by one of sheer, unshakable lust. Your breath almost got stuck in your throat as he placed his hands inside the pockets of his pants and took a few silent steps towards the couch. “Don’t change it,” he spoke up. His voice was deep and velvety, shot straight down to your core. “You look beautiful, love.” 

You smiled as he sat down next to you. “Thank you, sir.” 

“Of course.” Taehyung’s large hand cupped your cheek, and you leaned into his warm touch. His calm disposition was a threatening thing, it got you on edge as his gaze trailed down to your lips; your breasts; your thighs. He hummed. “Want my doll to look pretty for me.” 

“Yes, sir,” you said promptly. His eyes were back on yours in no time, thumb caressing your bottom lip. “Can you kiss me, sir?” 

His hand brushed down your face, moving onto your neck. Taehyung was thinking of what to do to you, and you were kind enough to wait. “Does my baby want a kiss?” He asked and you nodded. “Very well. Sit on my lap, love.” 

You could barely contain your excitement as you followed his order, one leg moving over his thighs so you could straddle him. Taehyung sighed in content as you sat on his erection, which only made the arousal between your legs grow. 

“My girl is beautiful, isn’t she?” He mumbled to himself, hands swiftly pulling your robe down your shoulders. A cold breeze embraced your body as the discarded piece of clothing fell somewhere on the floor. “But so, so quick to misbehave.” 

Your heartbeat quickened. “I didn’t misbehave, sir.” 

“You did, love,” Taehyung spoke slowly, as if he was talking to a child. His movements were tender when he pushed your hair away from your face, but you knew there was wickedness hiding in those still waters. “You are trying to provoke me.” 

“I’m not,” you lied. 

“You are.” His hands placed themselves on your waist, pulling your body closer to his. They were a bit firmer than before, spreading goosebumps through your skin as they slithered down your lower back, palming your ass cheeks. “You put this on because you wanted me to fuck you, baby. Don’t lie to me now.” 

Your hand started playing with his tie, eyes following the movement of your fingers so you could avoid his penetrative gaze. “Sorry, sir.” 

His finger found the underside of your chin, pushing it up. You couldn’t escape those eyes, he wouldn’t allow you to. “Why are you apologizing?” He asked calmly. His other hand was still firm on your ass, squeezing the flesh. “I’m not mad. I just find it funny.”

Your eyebrows shot up. “Funny?” You echoed. 

“Yes, doll,” Taehyung said. “Funny the lengths you go to just because you want my cock.” 

Heat exploded on your cheeks at his dirty words, your own speech getting stuck in your throat. You were in trouble, and it was exactly what you had been looking for. 

“Hm? Not gonna say anything?” He egged you on, leaning his head to the side. You wanted to touch him, to kiss him, but you knew that things would follow his own pace. “My baby’s so horny for cock she’s not gonna even answer me?” 

His words were suffocating you, earning a timid roll of your hips against his hard member. Your underwear was absolutely soaked and you could barely think straight. “I want you, sir,” was what you managed to get out. 

“I know,” Taehyung said, his tone so nonchalant, so passive. His knuckles brushed tenderly against your cheek, a sly smirk curling up on his lips. “My pretty little slut just wants to get fucked so bad, doesn’t she?” 

You nodded. “Yes.”

He hummed, the corners of his lips moving down in disapproval. “Yes…?”

“Yes, sir,” you were quick to correct yourself, hands slithering up his shoulders and behind his neck. It was electrifying how Taehyung managed to get you so worked up so quickly, his unbothered stare burning holes on your skin. You felt so small like that, and you knew he was getting high on the power play. Some things never change. “Sorry, sir.” 

“Mhm.” Taehyung didn’t grant you forgiveness so fast, instead leaning back on the couch and analyzing your demeanor. “I don’t know if you deserve my cock, though.” 

You blinked, not hesitating for a second. “I do deserve it, sir.”

He scoffed, both of his hands back on your waist. His palms were heavy and warm against your skin, and you could not hold back the thought of having his fingers moving in and out of you. No matter how many times Taehyung touched you, his hands were just so big that he got you seeing stars in no time, filling you up and reaching deep inside you in ways that your own fingers never could. “Show me, then.” His firm voice broke your reveries, digits pressing down on your naked flesh. “You can kiss me now.”

Obedient, you leaned in and trapped his mouth in yours. It was a different world when Taehyung was in that headspace — often, he would kiss you so eagerly, so hungry for more, but, now, his mouth was barely following yours; a disinterested hum melting past his throat, silently daring you to try harder, to show him that you were worth his time. You dug your fingers in his soft hair and placed your tongue inside his mouth, trying to be the best you could be for him and, yet, it seemed as if he was deadset on giving you the bare minimum reaction. 

At the same time, you still felt the effects of that kiss, your body heating up as you moaned against his mouth. Taehyung’s hands had traveled downwards and were now tugging at your panties, pulling them up and burying them between your asschecks. It made your back arch; there was a slight pressure on your clit that got you grinding down on his cock. He sighed at that, sucking on your tongue as one of his hands slithered beneath your panties, harshly groping your ass. 

You swore he was just about to get into it when he decided to pull away. Slightly breathless and completely overwhelmed, you could only watch as Taehyung tilted his head to the side and, just as nonchalant as before, asked, “What do we say, doll?”

Lucky you, you knew the answer to that question. “Thank you, sir.” 

“Very well.” He caressed your cheek once more, eyes trapped on the swell of your lips. Taehyung’s mind was flickering through the details of you — your breasts, your thighs, the perfect weight of your center against his — as he slowly figured out what he wanted to do to you. At last, he made up his mind. “On your knees.” 

To move away from his embrace seemed to be a medieval sort of torture, but you did as he told you. You were on your knees in no time, the harsh wooden floor hurting your flesh when you looked up at him, expectant. 

Taehyung leaned forward, trapping your chin between his fingers. “So pretty, aren’t you, doll?” He asked, voice velvety and slow. “Wanna be good for me?” 

You nodded, eager to please him. 

With a deep exhale, he moved back, spreading his arms over the couch’s back. “Good. Take my cock out,” he commanded. You stared up at him for a second too long, waiting to see if that was a test. It was a bit suspicious, after all: he used to tease you for far longer than that before even allowing you to touch him. And, because Taehyung knew you very well, he caught your trail of thought quickly enough. “Isn’t that what you wanted? Go on.”

“Thank you, sir,” you said, just to be sure, and took your hands to his pants. Taehyung had chosen one of his most beautiful suits to work that day, and the dark grey shade did not conceal his erection in the slightest. 

The smallest of things got you waiting for more: the sound of his pants being pulled down, apparently so loud in that silent living room; the gradual rise and fall of his chest; the wet mark on his underwear and the straining of his hard, leaking cock against the fabric. It was a good kind of anticipation, for you loved when Taehyung got you on the edge like that, unsure of what would follow, of how he would treat you. 

Truth was: you loved being good for him, loved treating him as well as you could. Above all, you loved when he praised you for it, all warm touches and kind regards. But also, you adored when he made you work for those praises, glancing down at you like you were bothering him, like you couldn’t do anything right, not even pleasure him. 

His cock was out soon after, heavy in your hands. Taehyung managed to control his demeanor rather well, but you could see that he was extremely turned on: tip reddened and covered in his precum, his length fully hard and throbbing as you gave him a small, tentative pump. 

“Spit on it,” he said. “Come on, you know better than to touch me dry.” 

You nodded, doing as he told you. A big glob of saliva dripped down onto his member, which you used to help with your movements. Saliva wasn’t lube, that’s true, but it did manage to calm down his attitude for a bit. 

Being married meant that you had grown extremely used to each other’s bodies and, just like Taehyung knew your weak spots like the back of his hand, you knew his. Soon enough, you had your tongue trailing the underside of his cock, placing a special pressure on his frenulum. Taehyung inhaled sharply, hands digging to the sofa cushions as you lethargically continued your actions, swirling your tongue around his sensitive tip and tasting his precum. 

“In your mouth,” he ordered, “now.” 

Eager to please him, your lips wrapped around his crown and you gradually began sinking down on him. Taehyung was thick, always gave you a hard time as you slowly grew used to his size inside your mouth; a strangled moan perishing in your throat as you took him in. Above you, the man groaned in satisfaction, one of his large hands resting on the back of your head. 

“Move.”

You agreed with a whimper, closing your eyes as your mouth moved up and down on his member, cheeks hollowing every time you sucked him. Taehyung got you just the way that he liked: so small beneath him, with your doll-like eyes looking up at him through a thin curtain of your tears. He always thought you looked so pretty with his cock inside your mouth, your perfect lips and tongue making him lose his mind. 

“Fuck. Such a good cockslut.” He raised his hips just enough to reach deeper inside your throat, making you gag around him. The sound was beautiful to his ears, turned into a much more heavenly symphony when it quickly morphed into a muffled moan. Taehyung loved watching you struggle with his size, it made him want to break you apart. “You like my cock, baby?” 

You nodded, but it seemed like it wasn’t enough. Taehyung tugged in your hair, signaling that he wanted you to remove your mouth from him. He needed to hear you say it, and you were beyond happy to oblige. “I love it, sir,” you told him, your voice a bit groggy from your previous act. “So much. It’s so huge.”��

“Suck it harder, then.” His own voice was a bit airy, not so rough around the edges. He must’ve been close. “Show me how much you love it.” 

This time, just a simple nod from your part satisfied him, for he allowed your mouth to wrap around his cock once again. Without hesitation, you did as he told you to, sucking his cock harder, taking it deeper than you were before. Your new approach was a gift from god, it appeared, because it took you no time to have Taehyung’s animosity meeting away. 

“That’s it, that’s my dirty girl,” he praised, fingers intertwined in your hair. You could feel his big cock throbbing inside your mouth, releasing precum. It was just a matter of time before he spilled himself inside your mouth. “Gonna make me cum like a good slut.” 

You moaned around him, one hand moving down to play with his balls. Taehyung hissed at the sensation, throwing his head back and groaning something you couldn’t quite grasp. There were beautiful droplets of sweat accumulating just above his white collar — it was almost humiliating how naked you felt when compared to his dressed, composed self — and this thick neck seemed to be calling for you, wishing that you’d place hot, messy kisses all over it. But you couldn’t do it just yet, not when he was about to cum down your throat. 

Taehyung’s breath hitched and you instantly knew that he was just there. A couple more seconds and your theory was proven right: he grunted as his hot cum filled your mouth, a vague rising of his hips making his tip hit the back of your throat. “Fuck,” he cursed. “Don’t swallow yet.”

Oh he was in that mood, it seemed. 

Apparently your plan had worked better than expected, because it had been a long time since Taehyung didn’t ask you to swallow his cum right away. As much as he adored when you did that, he also loved seeing his cum on you — splattered on your abdomen, on your tits, on your ass; maybe running between your pussy lips after he was done fucking you or, in that case, in your mouth. You didn’t quite understand the appeal that it had, but who were you to judge? 

You removed his cock from your mouth soon after, filled with expectation as he shifted above you, leaning in closer. You blinked up at him as his hand found the underside of your jaw. 

“Let me see.” Taehyung pulled on your chin and you quickly got your cue, opening your mouth. A flash of lust shimmered inside his eyes at the sight of his cum inside your mouth, the corner of his lips being tugged upwards into a satisfied smirk. “Perfect. Swallow now.” He closed your mouth. 

Once again, you did as he commanded. “Thank you, sir,” you said. The discomfort between your legs was growing at a fast progression, monopolizing your mind — you had already been so good to your husband, did everything that he told you to, and now your own arousal was getting the best of you. You shifted around on the ground, your knees still hurting a bit. “Sir, please…”

Taehyung hummed, caressing your cheek. “What is it?” 

“I'm so horny, I wanna cum,” you whined. 

“Is that so?” Taehyung questioned, thumb caressing your bottom lip. It was a bit swollen after you had blown him, made him want to bite it. Instead, he leaned back against the couch. “Stand up.” 

You fumbled as you got up to your feet, unsure of what to do next. Luckily, you didn’t have to think about it for long, because Taehyung soon gripped you by the hips and pulled you closer to him, your shins knocking on the sofa. His fingers were surprisingly tender as they slowly navigated towards your pussy, pulling the dainty pink fabric aside. “Love the color,” he mumbled as if he was talking to himself. You were just about to thank him, but your words were ripped out of you when his finger sunk between your folds. “Look at my girl. Got this wet just by sucking my cock, baby?” He looked up at you. You felt dizzy under his intense gaze, barely nodding in return. He smiled. “How dirty.” 

You wanted to touch him, to find support on his broad shoulders, but you didn’t know if you were allowed to. Instead, you merely gasped as Taehyung started toying with your sensitive entrance, feeling as if your legs would fail you at any time. “Sir, please,” you pleaded once more, “I need you.” 

He hummed, one finger slowly entering you. You practically melted as Taehyung added a second one right away, curling them up in the way you loved so much. “Yes, darling, I heard you.” But it didn’t seem like he did, for his hungry gaze was trapped on the sinking of his digits inside your tight hole. You were so on edge that you could cum just like that; a few desperate whimpers already dripping from your lips as he continued his movements. Your sounds seemed to drag him back to reality, though, for he was soon removing them from your pussy, ignoring your frustrated cries. “Go to the bedroom.” His eyes snapped up at you. “You better be naked in bed when I get there.”

“Y-Yes, sir.”

If you didn’t know Taehyung as well as you did, perhaps that command would’ve taken the worries off your shoulders. However, the thing was: when your husband was in that headspace, you could never really predict what would come from it. Just because he had sent you to the bedroom, it didn’t mean that he would suddenly become pliant and adamant to fulfill your every need — if anything, it meant that he had enough energy and discipline to spare. If he wanted to fuck you straight away (like you had begged him to), he would’ve just taken you on the couch, like he had done countless times before. No, the fact that he was sending you — alone — to the bedroom was probably not such a good sign. 

When you entered the suite, you started removing your bra, then your panties and, finally, the thigh high socks. You felt yourself become more and more uneasy as you laid down bare on the bed, feeling as small shock waves of anticipation ran through your body. Every time you heard a noise coming from somewhere else in the apartment, your heart missed a beat. 

Taehyung liked to make those moments as dragged-out as possible. He got some sick kick out of it, you guessed, probably made him feel like a predator stalking its prey, playing with its food. He liked to leave you wondering what he would do to you, and you couldn’t say you were bothered by it either. 

At last, when you thought that your heart was about to jump out of your chest, he walked into the bedroom, his slender fingers loosening his silk tie. It was a stark contrast how dressed Taehyung still was — everything still in place, with only the zipper of his pants still opened. He looked absolutely composed, his dark eyes following the curves of your body as he gradually approached you. 

“Beautiful,” he complimented, sitting down next to you. The bed dipped under his weight, making your breasts bounce slightly. His gaze fell over them and he hummed, one hand tenderly squeezing the flesh. You gasped at the sensation, which ripped a small chuckle out of him. “And so sensitive.” 

You didn’t know if it was the best moment to speak up, so you didn’t. Instead, you waited as Taehyung’s hand gradually made its way up your chest, towards your neck and, finally, to your cheek. There, it stayed for a moment, his thumb caressing your bottom lip. He really enjoyed doing that, it seemed. “Open up for me,” he requested. And so you did, lips parting so two of his fingers could enter your mouth. Taehyung pressed down on your tongue, making you release a small whimper, before allowing you to suck on his fingers. “That’s it. What do we say?”

“Thank you, sir,” you struggled to speak against his fingers. 

“That’s right.” Taehyung removed his digits from your mouth, lowering them until they were pressed against your clit. You moaned and raised your hips under the random surge of pleasure, but his other hand soon met the skin of your inner thigh, making you stand still. “Shhh, shhh,” he shushed you, “don’t move now.” 

Your breath caught in your throat as he slowly slid between your folds. The pressure was light, barely teasing your sensitive entrance before going back up to play with your clit. 

“So fucking soaked for me, doll,” Taehyung groaned, tracing small circles on your sensitive spot. Your eyes fluttered shut and your mouth opened a little, allowing a small sob to fall from it. “Such an eager little pussy.”

“S-Sir,” you gasped, fingers digging to the pristine white sheets of your bed. You had just changed them, and now they were bearing witness to your sinful acts. “I want you.”

Taehyung hummed, apparently distracted with the sensation of your slickness covering him. “You have me, darling.” 

“N-Not your fingers,” you said. “Want your cock, please.”

The moment he stopped his movements, you realized you had fucked up. Taehyung made a clicking sound with his tongue that shot straight through your chest, quickening your heartbeat. “You’re so spoiled.” He removed his hand from your heat and you didn’t even find the force within you to complain about it. Not when he was looking at you with such a mixture of disappointment and frustration. “You tell me you want to cum, and then that my fingers aren’t good enough for you?”

“Sorry, sir,” you rushed to say, a frail veil of tears shimmering in your eyes. You felt like you had been edged for hours, even if that wasn’t the case. The sexual tension was just too high, leaving you so worked up that it hurt. And there was also an extra level of desperation knowing that your release wasn't exactly your decision at that moment. “Please, I need it so bad.” 

Taehyung scrutinized your face for a moment, watching the quick beating of your eyelashes and the thin layer of sweat that covered your skin. He felt a familiar sense of power washing over him, watching intently for every sign of pleading eagerness that covered your features. You looked so beautiful, he thought, so meek and polite under him. You had been so good, after all, there was no need to postpone your pain any further. 

But he would. For just a tiny bit longer. 

Taehyung breathed out. “You’re lucky I’m feeling nice. Turn around.” He slapped the inside of your thigh, a smirk blossoming at the corners of his pink lips as he watched you yelp in surprise. Still, you obeyed him once again, turning until you were on your stomach. “Hands and knees. Ass up. And don’t look behind you.” 

After you had positioned yourself, Taehyung started undressing. You could only hear the shuffling of his clothes as he gradually removed them — taking his sweet time as his eyes lingered on your form. He could see that you were still so absolutely soaked for him, the glistening of your pussy making his cock throb inside his underwear. He would tease you a bit further if he, himself, had it in him to wait a bit longer. However, at that moment, there was nothing that Taehyung wanted more than to be buried deep inside your cunt. 

You bounced up and down on the bed as he kneeled on it, hands on your hips tugging you towards him. You whined when you felt the pressure of his hard cock between your ass cheeks, your pussy clenching around nothing. Still, you waited for him to make the first move, since your latest attempt at asking for more had earned you a scolding from his part. 

And, apparently, not only that. All air ran out of your lungs when you felt Taehyung’s hand collapsing against the skin of your ass once, twice, until you were crying out. “Sir, wait—“ 

“Quiet,” he reprimanded. “You’re always misbehaving. Can you take your punishment now? Or are you going to keep complaining?”

That was his way of asking for your consent to keep going, you realized, and you promptly gave it to him. “Y-Yes, sir.” 

Another slap against your ass was what you recieved, this time on the other side. Taehyung’s palm was heavy on your skin, and you relished in the pain it left behind; your hands holding onto the pillows for any sort of grounding. “Good. Maybe this will teach you not to be so fucking spoiled,” he growled, hitting you once more. Your body jumped forwards a bit, legs weak beneath you. “Stand still.”

You tried your best to do so, enduring a few more spanks until Taehyung had deemed it sufficient. If you had been wet before, now you were completely drenched, every nerve on your body standing alert to the smallest of touches. So much in fact that, when he leaned in to place a kiss against your shoulder, you cried out at the feeling of his cock moving between your ass cheeks.

“Pretty.” His hand caressed the sensitive skin where he had hit you before. You flinched under his touch, but liked the stinging pain that came along with it. “Gonna fuck you now, love.” 

You could’ve sobbed in relief. “Yes, yes, please, sir.” 

Taehyung leaned back slowly, one hand curling around the base of his cock so he could guide himself inside you. His crown slid between your folds once, twice, making you whimper as it accidentally hit your clit. The sounds of your wetness were shameful, filling the room as he pressed himself against your opening. You sighed and whimpered at the feeling, for a moment thinking that your thighs would give out beneath you. Instead, Taehyung held you up as his cock gradually plunged inside you, stretching you wide. 

There hadn’t been as much preparation as you’d like, but the small rush of pain was a welcomed one. You moaned out his name as his big cock continued to sink inside you, feeling every inch of it as it filled you up. Taehyung was fucking huge and, even after so long by his side, you had never truly grown used to it. 

You gasped when he entered you completely, his hands giving a last pull on your hips to make sure that he couldn’t go any deeper. “S-So much,” you stuttered. 

He scoffed. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Now fucking take it.” Taehyung angled his hips back, sliding his cock out of your heat until only his tip was inside. He came slamming back in, sinking into your velvety walls like they were made for him to fuck. “Pussy’s so fucking tight, it’s just pulling me in. Dripping down my cock, fuck.” 

And you could only moan out at his filthy words, brain turning into a chaotic mess as he started drilling in and out of you. At that point, you had been so worked up that you could only focus on the amazing sensation of his cock fucking you open, so big and heavy inside you. 

From what you could hear, Taehyung wasn’t much different. His controlling attitude had started to wash away as his high started to approach; the room filled with the low grunts and moans that came from his throat. He was holding onto you so tightly that you thought he was going to break you in half, his thrusts deep, fast and precise. Really, it was shameful how close you already were, walls tightening around his length as your legs started to shake. 

“S-So good, sir, your cock feels so good,” you moaned out, lost in bliss. “I’m c-close.” 

“Cum all over my cock, baby,” Taehyung grunted. “Come on, be good for me.”

You nodded, clenching your jaw as you felt your pleasure rising at a thundering speed. Taehyung wasn’t planning on slowing down either, his cock hitting deep inside your pussy and making your eyes roll back. 

“Fuck, oh my—“ you cursed out, but could not finish your sentence. Your orgasm washed over you like an avalanche, whitening out your thoughts as your walls clenched around him; loud moans and whimpers of his name falling in a jumbled mess between your lips. “T-Tae…” 

The lack of his preferred title seemed to be lost on him, since Taehyung was also approaching his own climax. “So fucking wet. So tight and warm for me. Perfect little cunt,” he was talking to himself at this point, letting his thoughts flow out of his mouth with no apparent direction. “Wanna cum inside your pussy, doll. Fill you up so good.” 

You whined out at his words. You were still holding onto the pillows, trying to find any sort of foundation to fight against the sensitivity that was growing inside you. “P-Please, yes.” 

Taehyung growled at your words, pushing his body forward until he was squeezing you against the bed. The new angle made his cock hit different spots inside your cunt, a newfound wave of euphoria starting to buzz inside you. “Want that?” His voice was a rough moan against your ear, his breath kissing your skin in dense, hot clouds. “Gonna take my cum like a good slut?”

“Yes, sir,” you said, “I want it so bad.”

“Yeah? Wanna give you a baby, gonna look so fucking pretty for me.” Taehyung’s words hit you like a ton of bricks, making you clench around his cock. You had never realized that you wanted him to say that, especially in a context like that, but it made you melt instantly. And because he knew you so well, he rapidly noticed the way your body responded to it. “You like that?” 

You nodded. “Y-Yes.” 

“God, you’re so fucking hot,” he moaned, placing a sloppy kiss against your neck. You could feel Taehyung throbbing inside you, signaling that he was close. “So fucking perfect. I love you so much.” 

“L-Love you too,” you said back. 

Taehyung sighed at your words, a last moan reverberating in his chest before he was spilling himself inside of you. “Fuck, baby,” he groaned at the feeling, getting utterly lost in the way that your walls milked his cock clean, taking everything that he gave you. “Fuck, that’s it.” 

With a final, shuddering breath, Taehyung collapsed against you, placing a bunch of kisses on your shoulders. You giggled at the random softness of his actions, feeling as his cock slipped out of you. He rolled around until he was falling backwards on the bed, a final puff of air exploding upon his lips. 

“Well, damn.” Taehyung laughed. You could only do the same, pushing your body closer to his. “Why don’t we do this more often?”

You rested your head on his chest. “Because adult life fucking sucks, that’s why.” 

“Fair enough.” He sighed. One of his arms wrapped around your waist and he pulled you close, kissing the top of your head. A fond smile curled up on your lips. “Was I too rough?”

“Just a bit, but I liked it.” You angled your head up to look at him. Taehyung took his cue to kiss your lips instead. “Can you get something to clean me up?”

He clicked his tongue. “I’m feeling pretty lazy right now. Besides…” he trailed off, “Kinda like you like this.”

You rolled your eyes, but the teasing nature of your tone gave your faux-annoyance away. “I figured,” you said. “Wanna talk about the baby situation?” 

Taehyung’s face swiftly grew serious. He apparently discovered a new source of energy, because, within a second, he was pushing you off and bolting out of bed. “Suddenly I need to find a towel.” 

And you could only laugh because, as it has been proven, you were kind of a mastermind when it came to making evil plans. If Taehyung needed another one to get him talking, you wouldn’t mind elaborating it. 

You wouldn’t mind at all. 

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x8 thoughts

I am so lucky that the creators of Ted Lasso decided to make this entire show specifically for me. #blessed

If last week felt like a bit of breathing room (albeit tense, poignant, character-progressing breathing room) with distinct narrative lines, this week’s episode was a chaotic yet tightly-written swirl of pain and hope and sadness! No neat subject headers for this one, y’all. Just my brain and heart in the inadequate form of a bulleted list. It is the medium available to me at this time.

I am going to remember the moment when Ted calls Sharon and tells her his father killed himself for the rest of my life.

(I could say a bunch of stuff about his face and what he says and how he tries to hide his tears from Beard right after and how insanely much I adore this character and ahhhhhhhh but I’m just going to leave that scene there in our collective memories.)

Jamie. JAMIE. Higgins has given some great advice about love on this show, but his musings about his up-and-down relationship with his own father were not helpful in the context of Jamie’s dad, who is an abusive piece of shit. I really adore that all of the main AFC Richmond staff members are realistically a bit hit-or-miss with their advice and life philosophies (some are mostly miss this season, of course).

And I am completely in awe of the moment when Jamie punches his father. The way he just stands there after Beard kicks his dad out of the locker room. The way you can hear a pin drop. And Roy—Roy who is learning in so many areas of his life about his influence on people, learning that the things he needs aren’t necessarily the same as the things other people need—is the one to cross the room and hug him. Hold him, really, with the tenderness Ted used when he hugged Rebecca outside the gala in 1x4. God.

I’ve thought a lot about how s1 was about giving people a soft place to land. There’s always an angel there when you need one. There’s always an opportunity to be kind. If you look for someone, you find them. If you look for the good in someone, you find the good. And as everyone works through their individual journeys in s2, that can’t always be the case anymore. But there are still so many moments of angels on this show, and it’s not about chance and serendipity and fate [not that it was about that in s1] but about the effort it takes to become someone who can be there for someone else. Or who can be there for yourself. I’m so proud of Jamie for physically fighting back against his father. I’m so proud of Roy for being the one who recognized what Jamie needed.

I have every feeling in the world about how Ted is almost totally frozen both times (s1 and s2) he witnesses Jamie’s father abusing him. In s1, he was still there for Jamie after, and I have every reason to believe he’ll be there for Jamie after this incident as well, but that frozen stance HURTS. He’s in so deep with his pain about his own father that it’s like he physically cannot snap out of it to act in the moment. It seems entirely outside of his control, and it breaks my heart, because Ted wants so badly to be a good father, a good coach, a good friend, a good partner, a good patient. He’s there for people in all kinds of ways, even in his current less-than-capable state. He takes care of Sharon post-concussion and even gets her a new bike! During the disastrous match at Wembley his coaching is ineffectual and everything is chaos but he’s the last one standing on the pitch! But this really awful thing keeps happening to Jamie and Ted is just…frozen in the face of it. Like one of those nightmares where you’re running in place.

The frozen-in-place nightmare also kind of applies to the way the total separation between Ted and Rebecca feels, too. I have never for a moment doubted the writers’ intentions in setting these characters up as soulmates on parallel journeys, and I’m actually really digging (on a story level) how disconnected they are right now. It is IMPRESSIVE that their absence in each other’s lives feels like such a glaring loss, one we cannot forget even as there are so many other things happening onscreen. It is 100% not just shipper goggles making me process information about Ted while thinking about Rebecca and information about Rebecca while thinking about Ted. I know there are a lot of really angry and frustrated people in the fandom right now (both T/R shippers and T/R antis and non-shipping fans who don’t get why s2 is different from s1) and while I understand being frustrated by choices characters make, and frustrated by the feelings the show makes us feel that we just want to feel more of or less of, I continue to agree with pretty much every narrative choice happening right now.

Agreeing with the narrative like this?! This is such a unique experience for me as a viewer—to feel like I’m on a ride that is at once absolutely wild and incredibly sensible and well-crafted, and to feel simultaneously completely invested and anticipatory and speculative but also totally willing to trust where it goes. I long for Ted and Beard to really talk. I long for Ted and Rebecca to stop missing each other. I long for Roy to have a serious conversation with Ted about what’s happening with him. I long for Keeley to find a vocation, something that drives her beyond her projects. I long for so many things! But I wouldn’t long for them if this show was less good. If the show was less good, I wouldn’t have a wish list a mile long because I wouldn’t be so attuned to the details and potential lurking in every scene. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SHOW, I CANNOT HANDLE IT, I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(To that end, a great deal of the Ted Lasso tag and so many Twitter reactions reactions to the show feel super stressful right now and I am kind of just trying not to look?! I love this fandom so much because of the amazing conversations that happen and because of brilliant fic and because there are some awesome people I never would have encountered were it not for this show. That little bubble is wonderful and I’d stay in this fandom no matter what in order to keep experiencing those things. But fans’ catastrophic reactions to every little thing that happens, every little choice a character makes that isn’t the “perfect” choice? The takeaway that the writers—on this show of all shows—wake up in the morning ready for another day of torturing shippers rather than another day of writing a beautiful story they genuinely want to write? I do not enjoy those parts at all. I would like to opt out of those parts. I’m having such a magical experience watching this show and talking about this show and listening about this show and writing about this show with a variety of people who feel all kinds of ways. I truly wish I could somehow transfer the energy of this experience onto all the people who are hating it right now. I don’t mind at all that people are having vastly different reactions to this show and are sharing their honest feelings, including the really angry ones (I can appreciate something and disagree with it!), and I get that sometimes the language of fannish reactions is intentionally, ironically hyperbolic. But there feels like this very serious trend of people legitimately thinking writers on this show are targeting shippers and have lost respect for their characters, and I just feel like an alien from another planet when I see that stuff. I guess I just feel like people make art because they want their art to be visible to other people and to themselves, but that doesn’t typically involve specifically catering to or torturing a subset of that audience?)

I am more fascinated by Sharon Fieldstone than ever before. I have been running through every single action with her and Ted so many times. The confirmation that she’s living in club-provided housing (that could not look more different from Ted’s club-provided flat). Ted clearly noticing the many bottles. Sharon’s face while she tries to casually recycle them. (Sharon could legitimately have a more problematic relationship with alcohol than Ted does, and I find that extremely interesting and am very curious to find out what happens there.) Sharon leaving him voice notes while she’s concussed, probably because she’d been thinking about him shortly before the accident. The way Ted calls her and does all the funny voices and it’s not frustrating like all the times he uses his silliness and allusions to deflect during their prior conversations because this time, those behaviors are just a part of him showing care for another person. The way they stretch each other, and Ted is still wrong about the things he’s been wrong about, but they both grow all the same.

While it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that this show would include an actual romantic relationship between Ted and Sharon (it would be beyond unethical even if they could write it well, and Sharon in particular is so professional and committed to her work, and it would erase so much of the powerful message about the importance of seeking therapy from a professional who is not your friend or partner, and I would totally hate it), watching this episode was the first moment I had this queasy little feeling that it’s possible that Ted could end up developing really complicated feelings about Sharon since, at this point, he’s been honest with her about things he’s hardly spoken about before and you can really form an attachment to people you feel safe with in a new way. (I mean, I’m sure Michelle knows what happened with Ted’s father, but I’m not even certain if Beard does.) He’s so broken right now, and Sharon is such a great person and so different from anyone else in his life (even though Rebecca is also different, and Beard is also different, and Roy is also different, and so on), that I could see things getting really fuzzy for him. I continue to have faith in the way the storylines on this show are handled. I’m just. Putting this here.

(In saying that, though, I also wanna make it really clear that I don’t just automatically assume anytime a new female character is introduced that they’re going to end up becoming a romantic complication. Like, Phoebe is allowed to have a teacher who is an attractive woman and AFC Richmond is allowed to have a sports psychologist who is an attractive woman and Keeley is allowed to talk to Jamie Tartt without it threatening what she has with Roy and all these people can exist as human beings without the introduction of romantic drama.)

Isaac gives every player one haircut per season, OH MY GOD. The JOY during the haircut scene. YES.

KEELEY AND REBECCA. Their text thread. The affirming video call right before Rebecca goes into the restaurant. The way Keeley sits all snuggled up against Rebecca in her office.

I was pretty thoroughly spoiled for the Sam and Rebecca plot through 2x8, and I was bracing for something far more problematic and tortured than what happens in this episode. The words I would use to describe their scenes: awkward, cute, cringy, and understandable. There are a million reasons why this relationship isn’t sustainable, but I felt completely understanding of both their choices here. This show has a lot of thesis statements, but I keep going back to the idea from 2x1 that there are people who enter your life to help you get to the next point, and I think it’s entirely possible that Sam and Rebecca will mutually be that for each other.

I find comparisons between Rupert and Rebecca super upsetting. There are absolutely meaningful things to say about the irony of ending up in a situation with an uncomfortable resemblance to certain taboo elements of an ex’s situation. But that ex is abusive and manipulative and cruel and Rebecca has exhibited NONE of those behaviors, and it makes me really sad to think that people feel that the writers on this show have betrayed Rebecca in giving her this storyline.

As always, I reserve the right to keep blathering about this show. I’ve had a headache for a couple of days, but my head is also so full of 2x8 thoughts that I couldn’t keep them in even if the circumstances for writing this were not ideal. I kind of hate that I’ve included frustrated fandom thoughts within the analysis of what I felt was an absolutely gorgeous, complicated, heartbreaking, near-perfect episode of television, but if ya can’t be a little dramatic on your own tumblr while you’re feeling raw and under the weather, where can ya?

[madasthesea]

I’ve sort of accepted that all those Irondad WIPs I have are never going to get finished, not only because Marvel has pretty effectively killed my interest in the MCU, but also because I haven’t felt like writing in over a year now (not cause anything’s wrong, I just haven’t really wanted to). 

HOWEVER. There’s a fic that I was going to write about Venom Peter and while the story as a whole is definitely not even close to presentable, there’s a scene I really, really love and still want to share with people even though it has little to no context. It’s under the cut if you’re interested :)

(A bit of backstory for anyone who wants a bit of context. This whole story was supposed to be based on season 3B of Teen Wolf, with Nogitsune Stiles, for anyone that watched the show. Basically Stiles is possessed by an evil trickster spirit, but it takes a little while for it to take over and only comes out in bursts. It gets to the point that the audience, and the characters in the show, never really know if it’s Stiles or the Nogitsune pretending to be Stiles. 

There’s a scene where Scott, Stiles’ best friend and a werewolf, is stabbed through the stomach with a sword. They get away from the bad guys and Stiles soothes Scott like he’s going to take out the sword so Scott can heal with his magical abilities. He puts a comforting hand on Scott’s shoulder, grabs the sword handle, then twists it in deeper instead of pulling it out. This scene is based on that.)

Peter looked down at Tony’s arm, the skin already swollen and red.

“Does that hurt?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

It did, but Tony had had worse and telling Peter that it hurt would just make him feel even guiltier than he probably already did.

“Not much,” he said with a small smile, trying to catch his eye. But Peter was still looking down at the injury.

Peter stepped closer, his head tilting to one side. “That’s too bad.”

Tony’s head jerked up, teeth snapping together in surprise. Faster than Tony could blink, Peter’s hand shot out and grabbed his arm, his grip tight enough to bruise. Looking Tony dead in the eye, he began twisting it, sending white hot agony racing up Tony’s arm as his elbow popped out of place, the broken bones grating.

“How about now?”

Peter’s eyes were alight with curiosity, a childish sort of fascination. He tilted his head to one side as he watched Tony’s face contort in pain. He looked like Tony had just shown him something new in the lab, like they were tinkering with the Iron Man suit.

Tony swayed and Peter put his other hand on Tony’s waist, supporting him.

“Whoa, I’ve got you,” he murmured in that soft tone he used with Morgan, with May, with Tony when they were talking late at night. Tony was going to throw up.

He swallowed convulsively and he tried to even his breathing.

Peter smiled. Then wrenched Tony’s arm again. A hoarse scream clawed up his throat and even that hurt. His eyes watered uncontrollably from the pain.

Looking like a scientist observing a mouse in its cage, Peter reached up and wiped one of his tears away with his thumb, fingers brushing almost tenderly against Tony’s jaw.

Then he raised his thumb to his mouth and licked the tear away. Tony’s nose wrinkled in disgust.

Peter made a sound of appreciation. “You’re afraid. But not for yourself, right?”

Tony eyed the creature in front of him, the one that had taken his kid and used him to wreak havoc and sow destruction in the lives of everyone who knew him. The one that had no intention of letting Peter come out on the other side of this alive and whole. No, he was not afraid for himself.

Peter stepped away, letting Tony stagger backward until he hit the counter, pain still radiating throughout his body.

“Did you know,” Peter said, casually circling to the other side of the island, looking through cupboards as if searching for a snack after school, “that he can smell emotions? Only if they’re particularly strong or he’s really tuned into the person. Like you. That’s how he finds people to help sometimes, he smells their fear. Amazing, isn’t it?”

Peter lingered near the knife block for a long moment, thin fingers dancing over the handles in a reverent manner that made Tony’s stomach clench in anticipatory fear. Then he moved on, peered into the fridge.

“I didn’t know that, when I chose him. It was merely providence.” Peter pulled a carton of orange juice out of the fridge, squinting at the ingredients. After a moment, he wrinkled his nose and dropped it on the floor. Tony heard liquid spatter over the wood and huffed.

“My kind, we are... hungry. Starving. All the time. A bit—” he shot a grin over his shoulder at Tony “—like a teenage boy.”

“If all you needed was a burger run, you could have just said so,” Tony snapped, watching as Peter sniffed the jar of mayonnaise. “So, what, I get a few thousand calories in you and you’re on your way?”

Peter laughed; a familiar snort of amused teenage sass that made Tony’s teeth hurt with how almost-right it sounded. “Not quite,” he murmured. “Some of my kin are satisfied with mere food,” he said with disgust and a cup of yogurt was also carelessly tossed to the ground. “But I require something a little more filling.”

“If you say human flesh I’m gonna spontaneously combust,” Tony warned, his mouth dry.

His injured arm bumped the counter as he shifted his weight and his world briefly whited out. When he opened his eyes again, panting, Peter was suddenly right next to him, eyes fixed on Tony, inhaling deeply. He looked half mad, desperate. Hungry.

“All that feeling and you let it go to waste.” Peter leaned even closer.

“Ok, seriously, back off.” Tony retreated until his heels hit the stairs. He clenched the railing with his good hand.

Peter smiled, a sharp glinting thing and for a moment Tony felt all his animal instincts kick in, half of his brain screaming run and the other half yelling save Peter save him savehimsavehimsavehim. But Peter just turned, meandering toward the sink.

“I’m not a vampire, I’m not going to drink your blood,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. “I eat what you feel. The stronger the emotion, the better.”

He paused in front of the pictures on the shelf.

“Like the anger of a child whose father never loved him,” he murmured, picking up Howard’s picture. Tony grit his teeth as the frame was flicked over Peter’s shoulder, shattering into pieces on the floor. The creature controlling Peter picked up the other frame, the image of Tony and Peter together. The photo that had saved the galaxy.

“Or the grief of a father whose love for his son was stronger than the laws of the universe.” He turned back to Tony.

Tony jumped as the frame was brought crashing down against the marble counter, splintering the wood and tearing the picture as shards of glass exploded outward. A sliver caught Peter on the cheek, cutting him.

It was instinct to reach out to him, to attempt to calm and comfort and protect. Tony didn’t stop himself fast enough.

Peter’s smile suddenly looked much less like Peter, much more like an alien wearing his skin. His laugh echoed off the kitchen walls.

“Imagine your grief when I kill him in front of you. Imagine what it will taste like.”

Goosebumps erupted over Tony’s skin, his heart tripping in fear at the very thought. The memory of ash on his hands, of Peter begging filled his mind and he choked on his next breath. Peter’s grin widened, something feral and foreign.

“Why,” Tony gasped, “Why would you kill him? Don’t you need him?”

“For now,” Peter agreed, casually stepping over the mess on the floor, closer to Tony. “But I’m afraid he’s wearing a bit thin. I’ve almost used him all up.”

Tony’s knees went weak.

“He’s almost too exhausted to fight me, now. Still won’t shut up, though,” he hissed, closing his eyes for a second as if hearing a very loud, unpleasant noise.

“What?” Tony asked, his head spinning. He sat down heavily on the stair behind him. Peter tilted his head, humming.

“You should hear how much he’s screaming.”

“He’s—” Forget throwing up, Tony was going to pass out. “—he’s screaming?”

Peter came closer, a predator stalking his prey. Tony knew he should pull himself together, knew that the thing enjoyed his distress, his pain, but he couldn’t fight the image of Peter, locked inside his own mind, screaming at the parasite controlling him.

“Oh, yes,” Peter murmured, his voice low. “’Not him, please,’ he’s saying. ‘Don’t hurt him, don’t you dare.’ He likes to threaten me. Not very intimidating, but I do admire his creativity.”

“Stop,” Tony whispered.

Peter reached a hand out and seized Tony’s chin, gripping with bruising fingers. Tony stared at him, hatred and love in every cell of his being. He could never hate Peter. He could never forget the way Peter’s face looked as an alien stared down at him, intent on nothing but destroying everything he loved.

“’Please, I’ll do anything,’” the creature continued to narrate. “’I’ll stop fighting. I’ll stop. Don’t kill him.’”

“Peter, no!”

The thing went silent, as if listening to something Tony couldn’t hear. Then he straightened, smiling down at Tony.

“What’s he saying?” Tony asked. “Peter?”

Peter considered him for a moment, glanced around at the cabin around him. “I think we’re done here.”

“What? No,” Tony argued. Peter ignored him, turning and disappearing out the door in the blink of an eye. Mind still trying to catch up, Tony rushed to the door, looking out at the trees and lake. There was no sign of him.

[ootori-sibs]

Colour blind

Day one of @ohshc-week : soulmates or found family

Everyone always knew that there were two things that everyone had; sight that only saw the colour of their soulmates soul, and that words appear on their skin when they realise they've fallen in love and colour returns to their sight- and those words are the words moment by their soulmate in that moment.

Kyoya didn't have a soulmate, that much was true. He was sure of it the moment his sister told him about the legends, he remembers in this stupid little toddler wisdom, actually asking her.

"Fumi… why don't I see any colours..?"

He remembers the look of absolute heartbreak on his sister's face, as she came to the conclusion everyone he'd told had come to; Kyoya didn't have a soulmate, he was unlovable, he would die alone. But of course Fiyumi had done her best to comfort him, suggesting any number of reasons he couldn't see a single colour; maybe his soulmate's soul wasn't on the visible spectrum? Maybe he was just colourblind? Maybe his soulmate didn't even have a soul? Kyoya had jumped right on that excuse, the idea that his soulmate was a demon of some sort, made sense in his little toddler brain, especially when falling for his horribly crude, horribly rude ex, maybe his own soul was an ugly shade of green, just like Kuze had said he could see- Kyoya didn't even know what green looked like. But every night, he searched his body for words, any word Kuze had ever said to him- and never found anything.

That was probably the final nail in the coffin, the final, undeniable proof that he never had a soulmate, and never would. He spent so many nights, ending up in tears… how was he so unlovable? He had no friends after upsetting both Kuze and his fiancée, he'd told them he saw orange, he just wanted to make him happy… but she saw orange, she was who made him happy. He was all alone, and he would always be alone…

Then he met Tamaki, Tamaki was special, Tamaki made him feel happy like he hadn't felt in so long. But never once did Kyoya let himself fall for the man, he knew better by now, he never told Tamaki that he couldn't see in colour, he didn't want his new best friend to think him a freak. But he loved to listen to Tamaki go on and on about the colour he saw… purple.

Purple was the colour of Tamaki's eyes, the colour of the roses he had surrounded Kyoya with, it was a colour so beautiful, it could bring Tamaki to tears if he spoke about it for too long, it was a colour that Tamaki so often told Kyoya he looked so good in. Kyoya had to trust his word, he had no idea how colour theory worked, only how blacks and whites and greys looked together, there was nothing Kyoya hated more than blacks and greys.

Black was a dark, sombre colour, it wasn't even a colour, it was a shade of nothing, the ugliest in Kyoya's opinion; it was the colour of his unlovable hair, the colour of the book he carried around, the colour of everything sick and bad. The greys were worse; they were everything Kyoya couldn't see, they were every colour of the rainbow, a horrible reminder of everything he was not, the horrible mark of a lack of love, they were the colour of his eyes, showing everyone exactly who he was, he hated greys- but he hated the colours even more, the light hiding from his vision.

White was the only lack of colour he ever cared for; the sunlight drifting through the open window and onto his face, the inside of warm, fresh bread, it was the colour that everything light and bright appeared to be, it wasn't an absence of happiness, but the only joy Kyoya could gleam, it was also the colour that most of Tamaki appeared as, from his hair to his overly expensive 'red' leather shoes.

Then the host club was founded, it was a joint effort, though Kyoya really didn't see the point, all these girls had soulmates, what could they ever see in their hosts? Kyoya didn't understand romance for the sake of romance, everything should be about your soulmate- how dare these selfish brats focus on anything else? He'd always hated how his brothers focused on their studies, they were always better than him in one sense- did they have to be better than him in every way? Now these boys and their stupid guests were going to mess around, neglecting time that should be spent searching for their soulmate. But of course Kyoya couldn't have just said that, then Tamaki would ask why Kyoya never searched for his own… and he'd have to admit how unlovable he was.

But he grew fond of the club, if not their activities. He still resented each and every guest to walk through their door, but at least Kyoya could excuse the hosts- they were only messing around. Besides, at least one of them already knew their soulmate; Honey saw a dark mauve colour, it was a strange colour, one Kyoya couldn't even begin to imagine, the boy-lolita's soulmate was a girl from the black magic club, who had previously complained about the bright pink shades everything took- now it was her favourite colour.

He began to see the hosts as a family unit, like the times Tamaki always described, it was never anything like his own family- but he had to adore the beautiful nuclear family picture Tamaki painted for him… himself as the mother, and Tamaki was always the father. It was a picture perfect scene, one Kyoya would never be able to have in any other context. Of course he loved, he fell in love every day, any time there was a beautiful man on the television, any time a handsome man passed his vision in any context. Sometimes he developed a small crush on someone he actually knew, and he had to crush it and remove it from his mind- he was unlovable, he had to remember that.

Haruhi came along and Kyoya began to believe Tamaki had found his soulmate, maybe she was purple, but the roses he found surrounded her were red apparently, not purple- that was the first he realised it was only him surrounded by purple. He appreciated Tamaki surrounding him in such an important colour, he supposed a best friend was a stand in for a soulmate until you found it. He supposed that was also why he was mommy- he'd lose the role once Tamaki found his queen.

He didn't understand why that thought made him feel so sad.

He didn't understand why Haruhi gave him such pitying eyes when he explained why he agreed to found the club with Tamaki.

He certainly didn't understand why he was in physical pain when he was so close to losing Tamaki. He should be happy for his best friend- Eclair was Tamaki's soulmate after all wasn't he? He wondered what colour his friend's soul was…

But Eclair didn't feel like a purple, she didn't fit any of the descriptors Tamaki gave the colour; she wasn't subtle, sure she was mature- but in too sexual of a sense, purple was withdrawn but glowing, it was a smart colour, one that Tamaki truly loved… Eclair was none of that, she was disgusting.

When they settled down together to watch the fireworks after the most stressful day of all their lives, it was Hikaru who spoke up. "Uhh… Haruhi?" Haruhi glanced over to him, and Kyoya noticed how the louder twin was holding his forearm, "I have to show you…" and he pulled back his sleeve, to reveal words written in block text, what was presumably red; 'don't worry about that Hikaru, I got this.' and from the gasp that emanated from Haruhi, it was something she had said to him.

Suddenly, she was looking around in awe, "so many colours…" her hands went to her mouth, before her eyes went down to her own forearm, pulling her own sleeve back, only to see the words Hikaru had just spoken, written in… was that comic sans?

All the hosts watched in silence as they embraced, Haruhi kissing Hikaru on the nose before they both chuckled happily… Kyoya had to look away, feeling a pang of pain at his friends' happy ending. Honey seemed to have the opposite reaction, clapping his hands together with a giggle and a smile, "aww!! Hika-chan loves Haru-chan!!"

Kaoru seemed pleased, patting his brother on the back, "hell yeah, I called it!"

Tamaki simply gasped, "I knew you had impure intentions for my little girl!" He points at Hikaru, "devil twin!" He glanced at Kyoya pouting, "mommy! Set some ground rules!"

Kyoya sighs, feeling his heart pounding heavy in his chest, really not feeling up to this, he crossed his arms. "Hurt her, we hurt you, and the same goes for vise versa, both of you- take care of each other." The two looked up at Kyoya, both smiling in amusement at how willing Kyoya was to go along with Tamaki's antics, but knowing full well the threats were real- Kyoya doesn't do fake threats. "Although I know you won't, cause you're both fucking soulmates and perfect for each other, obviously." He shoots a quick glare at Tamaki for making him give such a redundant threat.

But the hosts had all paused, looking at him in confusion, that was the first time they'd ever heard Kyoya swear, and they were concerned. "Aren't you happy for them Kyo-chan? What's wrong..?" Honey asked, tilting his head slightly. Only then does Kyoya realise what he'd said, and he withdrew in on himself, trying to find an excuse, any excuse…

"Aw… are you upset you still haven't found yours yet?" Tamaki smiled softly, hugging him, "that's so cute Kyoya!" Kyoya felt his cheeks heat up slightly, cursing his sensitivity for things like this.

"Ugh, it's nothing, I'm just a little stressed from today, alright?" He forced a smile, adjusting his glasses quietly and stepping away from Tamaki, who looked a little disappointed.

"I wished I could date *my* soulmate already." Tamaki spoke, sighing, "you two are very lucky," he had turned to the lucky couple again, smiling now.

Haruhi chuckles, smiling back, "oh don't worry, I'm sure your soulmate would be easy to find, she's probably one of your guests."

Tamaki shakes his head at that "oh I already know my soulmate, I'm just waiting for my soulmate to find me."

Everyone pauses at that, and Kyoya feels an even greater pang of pain, his best, dearest friend has found his soulmate, and doesn't even attempt to court her? How selfish of him, what another those without soulmates- not that he'd be aware of that, it's only Kyoya…. It's Hikaru who speaks up, frowning, "why not just tell her? She'd have to realise then?"

"That would be unfair, to deprive my love of the wonderful feeling of discovery and adoration, the same I felt… I'd never want my true love to be forced into such a discovery." He smiles, sighing wistfully, ever the romantic is Tamaki, and Kyoya could only wish he had someone who would do that for him… but that was impossible.

Hikaru paused, glancing at Haruhi, "well know I feel bad."

Haruhi chuckled, kissing Hikaru's cheek, "don't worry, I appreciate the straightforwardness, I'm glad you just told me. That's why we fit, and whoever Tamaki-senpai's soulmate is, will appreciate his gesture as much as I appreciate yours."

Aw how romantic, Kyoya almost felt sick, his rage- his jealousy, was almost unbearable, what he wouldn't do for a soulmate… someone he could call his own…

They went inside, intending to relax inside the clubroom, in fact Tamaki had suggested they stay the night. So they were setting up for a nice big sleepover, but Kyoya just sat by the window, once again mourning his lack of love. He wasn't really paying attention to what the other hosts were doing, he was just thinking about everything and nothing, he tried to focus on finances and money, at least to keep the tears away, what had he learnt in school recently? Not much if he was honest.

He could hear Tamaki arguing with the twins once again, some things never changed, as much as it was annoying, it was lovely background noise… everything Tamaki said was lovely background noise. Tamaki was just, lovely in general- Kyoya couldn't ask for a better best friend… of course he'd never say that, he could never admit how much he-

"MAMA!!" Tamaki cried out, rushing to Kyoya's side, his eyes big and shimmering, whining and complaining about something the twins had done or said, but all Kyoya could think about was…

-loved him. He loved him, he could never admit how much he loved Tamaki. Oh for fucks sake, he'd fallen for Tamaki Souh of all people, his best friend. He thought he'd never make that mistake again- falling for a friend never ends well.

He sighed, opening his eyes again to look that idiot in the face and… his eyes… was that… purple?

He couldn't see a single grey, not one speck… he looked around, barely any black either… oh heavens, oh god. It seemed Tamaki had noticed something, standing up, and- oh his suit really was white… white, the colour of the roses on Tamaki's table, that fool loved the colour white almost as much as he did purple…

"Are you alright Kyoya? You look a little… shocked." Tamaki smiled, looking down at him. The other hosts glanced over, oh they were all so colourful… Kyoya could cry…

"Your suit is white…" was all he could manage, practically rendered speechless as he felt a telltale tingle on his wrist…

Tamaki nodded, smiling brighter, "you've only just noticed? Or are you finally seeing in colour?" This got the other hosts attention, all eyes going wide, Kyoya had no clue what those colours were… the same as coffee he thought, at least in Haruhi's case.

"You're white- you… your soul…" Kyoya managed to choke out, looking down at his wrist, written in beautiful white cursive was the word; 'MAMA!!', all caps, two exclamations… and Kyoya felt the tears spilling, for the first time not out of sadness or mourning.

"Oh my god! You two are soulmates???" Hikaru blurted out, seemingly shocked, especially as Tamaki nodded.

"I surrounded him in purple for a reason." He then paused, frowning and turning back to Kyoya, "white? My soul is white? Not even a real colour..? God… no wonder you got so nervous whenever I brought up the idea of soulmates…" the pity was clear in his voice, but Kyoya couldn't care less.

"I thought I didn't have one…" he managed to admit, grabbing Tamaki and pulling him into the tightest hug he could manage, he was in love, he was allowed to be in love- he even had a soulmate that was so special his colour was unique! "You're every colour in the entire light spectrum, you're too real…"

Tamaki chuckled at that, smiling and giving Kyoya lots of little face kisses, "I'm glad your happy mon amour, now please let me go, I can't breathe."

"I'm never letting you go again," Kyoya spoke truthfully, he ever wanted to feel as alone as he had felt not ten minutes ago ever again, he grabbed Tamaki by the face, staring him in the eyes, "now kiss me and don't ever fucking stop."

[mylittleredgirl]

way too many thoughts about “the fight”

like, way too many. more than anyone should have, really. 

“the fight” is pretty universally regarded as either the worst or second-worst episode of voyager (and, unlike “threshold”, does not have an emmy to defend it). it’s usually panned for one of these reasons:

it’s boring/repetitive

why are people still giving each other traumatic brain injuries for sport in the 24th century

what the fuck is going on

so i naturally watched it 14 times in a row and finally cut apart the transcript to try and put it in chronological order, like this episode is some kind of davinci code cryptex and if i crack it open, i will find a Great Episode inside. 

what “the fight” got right, or: why this could have been a really great star trek episode actually:

wacky brand new space anomaly!

aliens that are Too Alien to communicate with!

all told through the lens of one character’s personal development

with a classic trek-style moral: “the real fight is against your own natural human desire not to get hurt.” 

come on! that’s good shit!!! also: 

letting big tough characters feel real fear? thank you

the way the aliens ultimately communicate is so cool. it’s like the prophets on speed.

i Big Resonate with chakotay’s struggle with psychosis, and his fear of going Irreparably Crazy. (caveat: psychosis is a relatively occasional feature of my mental illness; this rang true for me, but i’ll defer to people who experience it more acutely)

his judgment of his grandfather is harsh, but feels like how a child could perceive it (especially one -- see “tattoo” -- who resents that the people around him have chosen to avoid the 24th century federation life). hopefully after this episode chakotay will come to a more compassionate view of it. 

this ep can be compared to tng’s “the loss” in many ways, but in this one, chakotay saves the day not in spite of his sudden disability, but directly because of it. 

look. i’m j/c trash and they touch each other a lot.

how they fucking fucked it up, or: put that experimental narrative structure down until you know how to use it properly:

star trek has done non-linear narrative structures before, usually to mixed reviews (and basically always in a mystery-solving context, like “suspicion”). this is... substantially weirder, and the writing and production don’t quite support the ambitious concept. there’s more than one time-skip. there’s no visual or voiceover cue about where a scene falls in terms of before/after (like, put chakotay in a sickbay gown or something at some point to help us out, yeah?).

i assume this choice was made for one of these reasons: 

“wouldn’t it be cool if we got wacky with this episode because we’re in chaotic space”

they wanted a dramatic teaser (which, incidentally, is the scene that’s almost impossible to place in chronological order -- why is tom still there? why is seven there at all?).

and it makes me want to scream because it would be so easy to make this a good episode!! they needed to tell all the real-world elements of this episode in order, and limit the flashbacks to the vision quest scenes. it would still feel surreal, but would make sense, and the “ooooh, it’s aliens!” would actually be the cool reveal it should be. as it is, the shuffled time is to blame for the repetitive/boring complaint -- the characters are not only slowly discovering things we already know, but things they already knew in the previous scene. 

the real reason i went all enigma codebreaker on the transcript is the sickbay scenes where chakotay is alternately drawn to his delusions (“let me back in the ring!”) and trying to escape them (“get them out!”). i thought that if i put the scenes in order, that would become a linear progression, but it seems like it’s actually a more complicated character decision (or, you know, a terrible writing decision that i’m turning into a complicated character decision). chakotay, anthropologist, wants to communicate with the aliens, but because of his family history he’s terrified and keeps pulling back every time he steps forward. this back-and-forth is complicated enough to express well in real time -- but wildly difficult to parse with all the time-skips unless you watch this episode 14 times in a row.

also, i can’t imagine how it would help, but i’m pretty sure there’s some cut scenes or dialogue in the vision quest sequence of chakotay jogging around the ship. there’s a great shot of b’elanna dramatically back-lit by the warp core exchanging a Meaningful Look with chakotay... with no actual clear meaning. i find it hard to believe they put her in makeup just to stand there, but that wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen here. 

about the boxing thing

you know what? i buy that some people are still into boxing in the 24th century, especially on the outskirts of federation space. it seems like the sort of thing a young chakotay would seek out too, as a structured way to channel his restless aggression. 

however, it would’ve made more sense for this to be a thing chakotay picked up in his youth, because it’s hard to believe it’s still a professional or collegiate sport on earth. i get the appeal of making his coach a familiar, beloved character, but using boothby makes it seem like an academy-sponsored sport. the dingy, retro design of the club hints that it’s off-campus (or -- much better -- that wherever chakotay learned to box was actually a normal-looking 24th century building, and tom programmed this retro 20th century boxing club for chakotay as a gift), but it would’ve been nice to get a line in the text to clear up that this isn’t where young chakotay got his official starfleet PE credits. 

one of my Bulletproof Headcanons is that chakotay picked up boxing again in “night” as a way to work off the many-pronged frustrations he was dealing with in the void. we know chakotay had a great fight record once (b’elanna brags about it in “tsunkatse”) but if he’s only taken it back up again recently as a hobby, we’ll give him a pass on his fighting stance. 

can i pick a bone with fanon please

i really don’t like the take that janeway did something wrong by “coercing” chakotay into contacting the aliens. legit, they’re all going to die if he doesn’t, and as captain, it’s her obligation to order a crewman to sacrifice himself if necessary to save the ship. 

her asking him, and using their close relationship (“do this for me” instead of giving him an order), is actually a benevolent act. it gives him the illusion of choice in a situation where he’s totally disempowered by what’s happening to him, and lets him decide to rise to the heroic occasion. 

i’ve read a number of fics where j/c shippers feel that she’s manipulating him by playing with his feelings, because she has no plans to follow through. if in fact his feelings are entirely unrequited (which j/c shippers usually don’t believe?), he’s much more likely to feel teased by something like the ~romantic mood lighting~ at dinner than by an emergency situation like this. if she’s knowingly tapping into a “kathryn override mode” (must do this thing! heroically! for the woman i love!!) he’d totally thank her for it, because it makes this terrifying thing he’d have to do anyway a little easier. 

one more thing i notice about j/c in this episode is that unlike, say, troi hovering by the delusional riker’s bedside in “shades of grey,” janeway checks on him in sickbay but always leaves right away. of course she does! she has to man the bridge, just like he did in “scorpion,” etc etc. however, in this case, i keep thinking about how he’s probably grateful she didn’t see him in the full throes of it. and we can still fic up a few nightmares for her if we want to, because she could probably hear him screaming through the comm system in the teaser, whenever the fuck that scene takes place. 

hello reset button, my old friend

i mean, of course it’s what happens, but it’s still a bummer that chakotay’s sensory tremens is handwave cured off-screen at the end of the episode. 

in tng’s “the loss,” it would have radically changed deanna’s character and reduced her narrative usefulness to permanently take away her empathic sense -- but here, it would’ve been so easy to have the illusion of lingering consequences. twice in the text they say that the disorder can be managed with medication, so it wouldn’t have to impact future episodes unless they wanted to pull it out again. there’s a scene where the doctor asks for chakotay’s consent before exposing him to a field that will enhance the nucleotide bonds and “fully activate” the gene. even after they leave chaotic space, chakotay can still hear the crowd when he collapses on the bridge (though i guess he had his first visual distortion before they entered chaotic space, so they could still be in range of whatever transmission). 

even if they never touched on it again (i mean...), it would have been so cool to have a canonically mentally ill character whose disorder is managed by medication. in the 90s it would have been groundbreaking. beyond that, though, big themes for chakotay in this episode are sacrificing himself for the ship and coming to terms with this part of his family history, and i think they could’ve stuck the landing on that with an ending of “this is something that will always be part of me now, but i think i can live with it.” 

so anyway that’s what happens in my headcanon and you’re welcome to share it.

fic recs

aftermath - zjofierose is big into having janeway hold chakotay while he cries and honestly we love to see it

final bell / five minutes - pessa offers more of a realistic hurt/more hurt kind of situation in the first fic but patches it up in the second (which also falls into the rare category of post-endgame fics where everyone loves and respects each other, god bless)

[amy-oswin-lovegood]

As always, S3E8 of Skam is incredibly good, but leaves me with a whole mess of thoughts and emotions swirling through my brain, so this is just me trying to get it all sorted out and share it if anyone's interested (tw bipolar, mania)

I think some people have an idea of mania being so obvious that of course you would know it if you saw it. But really, no one has ever known I was bipolar before I told them, even friends who had been with me every day through several highs and lows and mixed episodes.

I've never found a portrayal of bipolar disorder in media that feels as painfully right as Even's character, especially in terms of mania. I think it's really easy for mania to be exaggeratedly dramatized or played for comedy (I adore next to normal, but I'm looking at you here), and Skam did neither. The most extreme thing Even does, walking out naked, is not filmed scandalously and the camera doesn't make Even out to look crazy. And the way Henrik Holm and the production team of Skam in general portray a manic Even, starting at least from Tenke det du føler, is done in a very realistic and honest way. Straight up, as Jonas might say.

When I watch Even in this episode, I can feel the undercurrent of tension and anxiety cutting through the euphoria. I can see his brain going too fast and I can see Isak struggling to keep up. I remember the first time I watched the hotel scene, seeing Isak's smile slip off his face and knowing I was right about the feeling that had been growing since Pause, that there was something more.

Because it's not all walking around naked in the winter. Sometimes it's not sleeping for a week. Making way too much food. Jumping from topic to topic too fast for others to follow. Suddenly learning a new language. Skipping class and homework and responsibilities. And it's easy to say, they're just in a good mood, or they're sleep deprived like the rest of us, or they're just energetic, or, or, or.

As I've rewatched over the years, I've seen myself more and more in Even. My bipolar doesn't exactly manifest in the same way as his, but I've been through a lot of similar moments. And the fact that it's so well done is what makes it so hard for me to watch sometimes. Because I'm taken back to what those moments felt like, or what people have told me I was like, and what the consequences were.

But as much as it can hurt to watch, I also appreciate the care with which it's been done. It's hard to describe why, but seeing Even's episode play out through Isak's eyes gave me more of a foothold on how I felt, made it easier to understand what I was going through, allowed me to start being kinder to myself. I know for a lot of people this was their first exposure to bipolar disorder and mania, and I feel like it does a really good job at explaining what it's like to someone without any context.

I see Isak's confused face at the hotel and remember the way the interviewer looked at me as I rambled on about my favourite books in an important job interview. I see Even blowing up Isak's phone with song lyrics (in episode 9) and think of going through a 180k fic and sending my sister every single part that I found funny or cute or sad or cool. I see Even walk out and think of walking out in the cold, pouring rain with no jacket to go to mcdonalds, my friend running out after me and getting me home. I see the hotel and think of the times I've splurged on unnecessary things in bouts of online shopping. I see Sonja say that all of this was just a sick idea he had, and think of all the things that I couldn't bring myself look at after my first manic episode because it felt like they weren't mine anymore, just the product of some sick idea.

My experience with mania is different to Even's in many ways, but it resonates so strongly because it hits so many of the important notes of what it feels like to go through something like that. And of course this continues to be true of his arc throughout the season, but making this clip's gifset was draining enough that I slept for two hours after finishing, so I think I'll leave that for later. I know this is a bit all over the place, but for now I just needed to get all of this out of my brain.

[kachinnate]

,,,,okay i know i just said i wasn’t going to talk about the deh movie but actually yeah imma talk about it for just a sec bc y’all actually make me legitimately distressed sajkfndsmjkgds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ_A0H1otc i dont have the braincells to do a shot by shot analysis right now but here’s what we’re lookin at

under a readmore because ghhhhhhh

firstly, let me lead with this: yes, from what we know, there’s a lot of things wrong with this movie. 

the worst, in my humble opinion, being the bts treatment of the (very few) actors of color, and the lack altogether of any production team members of color. that’s something that should be acknowledged, talked about, and fucking dug into especially at the current fucking period of time we’re living in. it’s unsurprising, but disgusting nonetheless, and it set this movie up for failure from the very beginning. i’m a white person so by no means so i feel inclined or like i have any authority in saying what one should feel wrt all of that, however i will say if there’s to be a boycott in not watching this movie, that should 100% be the reason why. it’s fully poc’s choice whether or not to forgive the production team or give this movie a chance for the irredeemable shit it did in regards to handling the movie’s production. the movie imo definitely doesn’t deserve their forgiveness, but again, that is not for me to say. 

there’s some little things too that i can’t fully think of off the top of my head - like, the whole making larry connor’s stepdad thing fucking irks me, for example, but, like...... listen.

if you know me like at all, you know my favorite word is nuance.

so, i’m going to say it outright: the way you people are approaching this three minute trailer shows literally.... none?? no nuance ??? is it no-nuance november over here or ???? like i’m begging you i’m BEGGING YOU to put aside your pre-determined prejudices against this movie and like stop pretending to be a renowned film critic for ten seconds because it’s really not as outright fucking abysmal as you are saying!! and also it’s possible to have opinions that aren’t completely fucking polarized to one side because guess what, the deh movie? a piece of media! what is the shit y’all are constantly preaching about having the ability to consume media critically ? because you’re trying to cancel a fucking trailer based on the contents of the trailer alone !!!!! hello !!!!!!!!

media is bound to be problematic. if y’all were as quick to judge any movie as you did this one, guess what you wouldn’t be watching any movies like ever <3 

anyway lets get into the parts that are probably going to get me cancelled lmao 

ben platt - listen. LISTEN. listen i know he’s too old to be reprising evan we ALL know he’s too old to be reprising evan i’ve heard this same argument since the announcement was made we get it we all know. haha he’s a grandpa yes bestie ur so right ur so funny wow. i do agree that we should’ve maybe had a not-ben-platt evan moment but here’s some things to keep in mind: the arguments of “oooh ABF is right there !!!!!!” 1. who’s to say he was available? 2. the environment of a movie is so, SO much different than that of a musical -- as much as you wanna pretend you know everything from just a trailer, there’s no way of knowing what scenes were added that might’ve made the movie like.. idk possibly more intense story-wise not even COUNTING the fact that just inherently a movie set is different than a musical one? like yes ben platt might be just being used as a device but that’s probably not the sole and only reason. Also, if i see One (1) more comment about his FUCKING HAIR 😃 first of all it’s not that deep like... if you’re so distracted by an actor having their hair different that’s on you, but going as far as to call it bad or distracting or being like Vehemently a way about it? y’all i know it’s most likely not your intention but that is literally just ben platt’s natural fuckin ETHNICALLY JEWISH hair sajknfgkjds!!!! i’m not the first to make this point, but like dsjnfkjdsg!??! y’all are being so mean about it and for WHAT? again, maybe not intentional, but it reads as like high key Very antisemetic and you should.... maybe not 😳 be that way

connor. the thing about a trailer is that they don’t show you all the scenes because they want you to come see the movie. right? can we agree on that? all the connor scenes in the trailer had SEVERAL hard cuts, omitting a lot of the scene -- like the computer lab scene! we see the beginning of it, there’s a VERY obvious hard cut, and then he’s running out! in my opinion my first watch through of this trailer i had a very like “:// hmm all these actors feel a lil like dry”, but man oh man the comments ive seen about connor. holy shit guys. this boy gets 7 minutes of stage time in the actual musical, and the whole thing is we DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT HIM. not to burst your bubble, and i by no means hate connor, i love me some good connor lives fics and stuff, but everything we write with connor being alive? that is !! speculation on our part !!!! those are headcanons and us using the little context we have!! connor doesn’t have any significant development IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL that is being adapted into a movie !!! you 1. can’t fully judge a character with already limited screentime in a 3 minute trailer, 2. can’t really call what connor has canonically in the musical as in depth character development !! what is his arc then !!!! he pushes evan, goes to the computer lab, has an outcast loner kid moment, gets upset, takes the letter, DIES. sorry stans, that’s just how it is !! and, AND, everything in between, all the idiosyncracies, that depends on the actor playing connor! speaking of, you know who the actor is playing connor in the movie? that’s right, colton ryan! so, i don’t know, maybe... have some trust in the process, in an actor who ALREADY has played connor on broadway???? and also trust that you will get more connor content then u are seeing from a 3 minute trailer!! dhgnijsdg and some of the comments on like his appearance specifically? like are you really made that he doesn’t have long hair?? they kept his nails and his rings but nahhh the hair was apparently a MUST HAVE (even though like.. not all connor actors on broadway always had/have long hair but w/e).. REGARDLESS. tldr on THAT , the movie would have to do a pretty shitty job if they want to take something from someone who doesn’t have much to begin with and i think y’all are being extremely harsh on this point 

jared. honestly i’m a bit worried too about the like... name change, because it does have the potential to be taking out some representation, but... they did change the name to fit the actor’s ethnicity? it’s a really [hmm] topic because, again, from a trailer and from what we have been told we don’t KNOW a lot of the context, but i think it’s important to remember that uh.. jewish people aren’t just? always white ?? there’s a possibility they changed the last name to fit with the [ethnicity] while keeping him jewish?? ofc there’s the possibility that they Didn’t and ... again hm that’s its own thing altogether but just reiterates the point that you can’t knock a whole movie just based on the trailer. you can’t talk about things you know nothing about. 

alana. same thing as before, you can’t.... completely bash a character based on a 3 minute trailer. there was discussion about how she seemed ‘shy’ when talking to evan, which like.. maybe she is but also that scene was them talking in a library like if u actually take notice of what’s happening in the scene jdskngsd though i do share the general consensus with many others that she won’t get a lot of screen-time but that’s neither here nor there 😔 moving on

scenes and the setting. one of the things i was most like.. tentative about in regards to a switch from a musical to a movie was how they were like... going to do certain scenes? naturally, a lot has to be different when we’re going from a minimal stage set to an entire movie with like.. settings. there are going to be new scenes because a movie lends to have like, physical places that aren’t just [evan’s bedroom] and [murphy kitchen] and [implied school]. so new scenes, new conversations, slightly different pacing.. this is all to be expected right like are y’all geneuinely surprised here or ........

there’s a lot we aren’t seeing yet because this is a TRAILER. again i already mentioned this re: connor but like... again, y’all are making some Claims that just... fucking outlandish. there are so many moments in the trailer that are very obvious Hard Cuts. you don’t have all the information yet. you are angry at a tiny fragment of something that is confusing you because you don’t have all the context. is there a chance that some of this shit is just genuinely Bad? yeah but you really cannot 100000% say it with your chest and gauge it without seeing the movie and understanding what that scene is in context. lowkey uhhh saw some jokes about the zoe scene in the car and :’))) ? jesus? christ????

concluding thoughts because my brain hurts but like. you don’t have to like the movie. you don’t have to WATCH the movie. like all media if you choose to consume the movie you should do so with some CRITICAL THOUGHT. but, just like the novel (and i do not want to have any discussions about that i don’t care if you think it’s good Or bad that’s not what this is about) you guys are going in this WANTING to believe it’s bad and completely polarizing your thoughts on what this is going to be. yeah, maybe there shouldn’t be a movie. i genuinely think we could’ve gone without. but it’s just a piece of media, it’s not a progression like all your (musical is good, novel is bad, MOVIE IS WORSE OH NO) posts are suggesting. they are all just. different pieces of media stemming from a source. at the end of the day it’s just a fucking movie. if you already hate it so much, guess what? you don’t have to watch it! you don’t have to put so much needless fucking hate into a 3 MINUTE TRAILER. you can stop being performative and dissing it for its poor treatment of POC while then going on to make fun of ben platt’s hair and just targeting a different group like! please !!!

i’m not trying to be a fuckin’ advocate for this movie because there’s so much opportunity for it to suck, i do Not have high hopes for it, and i’m not even really sure i want to watch it (i bought the novel when it came out and have yet to read it, and i’m sure the movie will like.. elicit very similar vibes from me lsdngjkdsg like im just not uhhh feeling it) but y’know what? watching the trailer did not bring forth the fucking onslaught of hatred in me that apparently has fuckin posessed all of y’all and like djnsgjksdg plagued my dashboard for this whole evening. don’t come into my inbox trying to like.. argue with me about this (preemptively im turning off anon because i like i Can’t lmao) this is just like... a rant i needed to get out of me real quick. 

SO. tldr for now: have critical thought about shit you consume, there’s no ethical consumption under [the film industry], you can’t judge a movie entirely on its trailer, and y’all need to calm the fuck down 

[adamarks]

If one more person says simon snow should lose his wings i’m gonna lose my goddamn mind: a meta

Alright you guys, I’ve had ENOUGH. Simon cannot lose his wings unless you want him to break up with Baz, and this is why.

Let’s start with Baz.

This analysis is obviously Simon-based, and yes i’ll get there, but first we need to look at the biggest key we’ve been given to what Simon’s wings could possibly mean subtextually and metaphorically for the story at large. That key is: Baz’s vampirism. 

Baz being a vampire is constantly compared to/mentioned in tandem with his queerness in Carry On. In his first chapters, what are the three most important traits that we learn about him? 

he’s a drama queen

he’s a vampire

he’s hopelessly in love with simon snow

If you boil his character down until he’s basically just a stick figure, that’s what he is: an over dramatic vampire in love with Simon Snow.

We’ve all read the books, we all know this, and we all know he’s much more than that. What of it?

What’s important is that Baz’s vampirism is treated almost the exact same as his homosexuality. 

Hiding it from everyone, being ashamed of it, knowing what you are but being terrified of it. His dad being “definitely more disappointed in my queerness than my undeadness.” 

I mean, holy shit, let’s look at this bit in Carry on from Chapter 51:

“I think if I got married, to a girl from a good family, my father wouldn’t even care that I’m queer. “

This scene really hits, because how many times have you wondered “What if I was straight? Maybe this thing wouldn’t be as bad?” “What if i was just a straight poc?” “What if I was only gay and not trans?” “What if I was only disabled and not gay on top of it?” What if, what if, what if. Would my life be easier? you wonder. Would I get hurt less? Would people treat me better?

If Carry On is about self-realization, then Wayward Son is about the struggle of self-acceptance. 

Baz going to Las Vegas and meeting Lamb probably seemed familiar for some of you people that are LGBT+. It’s how you feel when you’re from a small town and you go to a big city like New York or Orlando or LA for the first time and you see gay people all around you. Flamboyantly gay! Gay people holding hands! Gay people kissing! Trans people that don’t fit the gender norms! Older trans ladies just walking down the street!

It’s exciting, it’s exhilarating. Your baby-gay brain is so confused because no one’s giving them dirty looks. They don’t look nervous or ashamed. Is this allowed?

The party in the penthouse is glamorous and beautiful and alluring and none of the humans there are scared or look like they’re in real danger. It’s because they aren’t. None of those vampires are there to kill people. 

This is where Baz’s fear of his own nature comes in. Let’s hear it for all you homosexuals in the crowd that are/have been terrified of being predatory. Of turning the gender you’ve been told all of your life you’re not supposed to want into pieces of meat. You feel ashamed for wanting physical intimacy. You feel wrong for wanting emotional intimacy. 

Lamb is the older gay that you meet/learn about/watch on youtube or whatever that makes you learn that no, you’re not inherently evil. Lamb is the queer history, the queer movies, the queer people that you discover that make you learn that “no, i’m not bad. I’m not broken. I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful.” 

Baz thinking the sight of Lamb drinking that guy’s blood being alluring and beautiful is crucial to his arc. Baz needs to see that all of him is beautiful. 

So homosexuality = Baz being a vampire? How in the flying fuck does this have anything to do with Simon?

Remember, Baz is our key. His struggles have been happening since book one. Simon just gained his “creature” status at the end of Carry On. He’s new to this. Which means we’re new to the subtext. Which means: let’s dive on into the next big point.

Our Big Bisexual Boy

Whatever label you choose to use for Simon is up to you. As long as we all agree he likes more than one gender then it’s whatevs. I’m going to be using the word bisexual for this meta, though. 

We’re all well aware that Simon is Struggling with his bisexuality in this book. 

“I still haven’t sorted out whether I’m still attracted to women or whether I ever was, or whether I’m some kind of Baz-only-sexual. But the cleavage at this place is abundant, and I’m not mad about it.”

(taken from chapter 21) 

Like....... y’know. We know. It’s... we get it. 

The important part of that quote is that it’s at the Ren Faire. The Ren Faire is the first time Simon’s had his wings out in public since god-knows-when, if ever. This is also the first time he really considers kissing Baz in the book. Kissing Baz in Public.

Any of you that have been to Pride probably got a little bit of the warm fuzzies during this scene. The faire brought back such deep memories of my first pride it was a little bit emotional. I talked to random people, people ran around in rainbow outfits. There was body paint! Stupid hats! Weird dye jobs! The classic pride-flag-as-a-cape look! I talked to so many people and 

“Everyone here is so friendly.”

(also taken from chapter 21)

Everyone was so nice to me.

Baz feels right at home; Simon is all smiles. The only one not having a blast is Penny and she’s (I’m sorry, Penny) the token straight friend in these books. 

I don’t know how Rainbow did it, but she made me relive my first pride through Simon, and I’ll never not be grateful for that. 

“Today I’m someone else entirely. Today I’m just a bloke with fake red wings.”

The Pride/Ren Faire parallels were pretty obvious, but I wanna get a little further into the whole “wings = being bisexual” thing. 

We’ve established with Baz that being a magical creature or whatnot is Gay, but while Baz is fully magical, Simon’s “half-normal.” Kind of. It’s a weird situation there but half-normal works for the argument. 

“’Smells like dragon... but also smells like iron. Another abomination!’” 

(chapter 35)

Now the word “abomination” is really fucking unfortunate in this context, but biphobia exists so idk man. I’m gonna start talking in gay/straight terms and I absolutely know bisexuality isn’t half-gay half-straight but we’re talking in metaphors and i’ll tie it together at the end so just stick with me, okay?

He’s part dragon, part Normal (kind of). Simon’s not like Baz where he’s absolutely, 100% a vampire. He has traits of dragons and humans. This is why it’s so bad that he hates his wings half the time. They are part of him. They may not be “normal” and he may have to hide them, but he can’t just cut off the gay part. Our queerness doesn’t define us, but it’s a defining feature. 

Penny says she wouldn’t be her if she wasn’t a mage. Simon wouldn’t be Simon if he wasn’t bi. 

The mistake Simon and almost everyone else makes during this book is that they think of his wings as these separate entities. There is no gay part and straight part of Simon Snow. All of him is Simon. From the tips of his toes to the tops of his wings, all of him is Simon. He might’ve discovered this part of himself during a tragic point in his life, but that doesn’t mean it has to be something bad. It doesn’t have to be something tainted. 

Sometimes you discover things about yourself during the hardest moments of your life. When you’re already down in the dirt, beaten and bruised, sometimes a mirror is put in front of you and you realize something. You realize you’re trans. You realize you’re gay. And sometimes you resent those realizations because they came to you at the worst possible time. “This is just one more thing on my plate,” you think. 

This series is about reclaiming the things that where taken from you by the ones that hurt you. 

Simon’s going to have to learn to love his wings, because even though they remind him of something that hurts-- hurts more than anything-- they’re part of him. They are him, as much as the rest of his body is. Simon’s going to have to forgive himself, and learn to love himself for all that he is. 

Because all that he is is beautiful. 

We all know it; it’s time for him to understand that.

All right, bitches. Let’s get to the bit we all REALLY care about. this is the one that really fucks me up my dudes. Because it’s Brutal. But anyways here we go.

His wings are the Big Baz Love 

What are the two things that Simon’s  considering cutting off in this book?

“That’s what I’m going to say when I break up with Baz.”

“Dr. Wellbelove said he could remove the wings. And the tail. Whenever I’m ready.”

(Chapter 2, Epilogue)

Yikes!

My guys..... Simon and Baz don’t kiss unless Simon’s wings are out.

I truly do not understand how some of you are out here saying Simon’s gonna lose his wings I really don’t. It’s stressful. I’m stressed. Ms. Rainbow Rowell, you have me stressed. 

His Wings! Are! His Love!

On Love’s Light Wings!

Goatman dances his nasty little fingers all over the bridge that is Baz’s ass? Wings out, uses his tail to help kill the guy. Lamb is hitting on Baz too much? 

“’Spell my wings off.’”

(Chapter 45)

In the airport, when a lady is giving them the “don’t be gay” stink eye he immediately checks to make sure his tail is hidden. 

Baz can’t spell his wings off, guys. 

Baz can’t spell his wings away.

“’Snow needs you to cast your angel spell on him. I hid his wings for breakfast, but they’re still there.’“

(Chapter 19)

In Chapter 41, the biggest kiss scene we get, Simon wraps his wings around Baz to hold him. He’s embracing him in his love guys. Guys. 

Have you people noticed how i’m suddenly less articulate? It’s because i’m in crisis. Set me on fire I wouldn’t notice. I’ve been living with this terrible knowledge.

The first scene we finally see them kiss is after the scene at the Ren Faire when Simon’s wings are finally out and he finally got to fly.

“Simon catches up with me and traps me against the car. He’s kissing me before I see it coming.” 

Simon is so dtf in this scene Penny throws a water bottle at them, and it hits him in the wing. 

“’So hot,’ Simon Says. ‘Got to see you fight without picking a fight with you myself.’

Bunce throws a plastic bottle over my shoulder, and it smacks Simon in the wing.”

(Chapter 22)

She had to smack him right in the love for him to calm down, my dudes, my guys. Do you realize how hard it was for me to annotate this goddamn book with this knowledge? Every. Single. Time. Simon stretches a wing or flaps them around it’s about Baz. It gets to the point where you have to put the book down or you’re gonna explode. 

Simon’s wings are always out around Lamb. He’s jealous as hell and he hates that motherfucker’s guts. The only real injuries Simon sustains in this book are to his wings and they’re almost always when Baz gets hurt too. 

When did Simon get his wings? Only a day after he first kissed Baz.

Simon’s love for Baz is so big and so obnoxious he can’t hide it. His wings and tail have spikes, because that’s all Simon knows. He’s rough around the edges, he’s been hurt, he’s been used.

He’s never been in love before.

His love is spiky; it’s loud. It’s hotrod red and you can’t miss it when it’s out. Baz can’t see it, because Simon’s tucked it away. He hasn’t flown with it. He hasn’t wrapped it around Baz in so long. He doesn’t know how to handle a love this big, where to put it, when to unfurl it. 

Simon gets jealous. He gets scared. He’s insecure. He wants so dearly to finally give to someone instead of feeling like he’s just giving in. Like he’s still just taking from Baz.

What do you do with wings? 

How do you find somewhere safe to fly?

The Resolution.

I said earlier that if Carry On is a story of self-discovery, Wayward Son is a story of self-acceptance.

Simon has to love himself, and learn that his love for Baz is a good thing. As he accepts himself (and his dragon powers evolve go read my dragon simon meta it’s good.) he’s going to start to shine. 

This is a story being told to us with nothing but love. This is a story about a boy that’s his own worst enemy-- as all of us often are. It’s so scary to accept our wings. It’s so scary to accept our fangs. Especially when they’ve come out of such a hideous occurrence. 

We need to accept these dark times and acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, we were made more beautiful because of them. Maybe the light we give after we’ve been in darkness is more vibrant, because we know how scary the dark is. The things that happened to us were horrible, and hideous, and terrifying, but we aren’t. We’re different from how we were before, but we’re still beautiful. 

Simon Snow is going to accept himself.

Simon Snow is going to accept his past.

Simon Snow is going to finally, finally tell Baz he loves him.

And for the first time, Simon Snow is going to see that he’s beautiful.

If you’ve liked this meta you should also check out this one where i explain how they’re finally gonna get their relationship together. Also the one about the scarf

Special thank you to @singerofsimplesongs for listening to me howl and screech about this damn thing. 

Tagging some people that might be interested!

@neck-mole @watfordwallflower @carrybits @theflyingpeach @fight-surrender @shitty-posty-times @wisest-girl @slaying-fictional-dragons @gucciglitzy

[langernameohnebedeutung]

I’m probably parrotting to the wrong choir here, but at least part of the truth about liking villains vs. condemning villains is...I don’t consume villain content in order to find healthy coping strategies and genuine life advice. I don’t look for healthy coping strategies in sci-fi films and fantasy books or on ao3 in the first place, because 99% of all that input is not produced by people that a) intent or b) are qualified to give meaningful life advice.

 Sometimes things we read or watch can be detrimental to our mental health or can make us happier or mean a lot to us. And that is also why it is important to tag, warn, and summarise content: So that people can avoid things that are bad for them and find things that comfort them. But what popular fiction never is, is a clear, intentional, professional, and universal guide.

 We already talked about how even the most horrible people will read novels where they resemble the bad guys and identify with the good guys instead rather than reflecting their own behaviour. That is, because narratives need stakes. The hero needs to be David, not Goliath. And we too see ourselves as Goliath, in our lives. Because there are always things that are bigger than us. And because we know that David will win.

 But sometimes...sometimes it is quite nice to feel like the giant. Especially when we’re used to feeling small.

 Sure “I like this villain because villains get to do things we want to but can’t” might seem like a tiny brained answer, but if you expand a little, there is truth to it: Sometimes I want to see someone go bloody ape-shit in response to trauma, injustice, being underestimated or forgotten. Sometimes I want to see someone just care about themselves and burn the whole place down and look fabulous doing it, because I know, that in real-life, very often it is sympathy and empathy holding me back for even insisting on minor and very rational things, simply because I don’t want to be a burden on others and because I prioritise other people very highly. There is catharsis in that; in seeing someone getting it out of their system in the most violent way possible just like there is catharsis in going for a run or punching the hell out of a punching bag when you’re frustrated even though you would never chase down and beat up a person.

Because even when see characters standing up for themselves - think of the infamous internet rage over Captain Marvel stealing that bike from the dude that harassed her – their actions are usually centred around punishing the culprit, not the emotions of the party that was wronged. But people got angry. Not because she stole a car, or because she stole it from a men even – but because her acting in response to sexual harassment connected the scene with deep roots of social context and political opinions and expectations.

And, despite hundreds, maybe thousands of films in existence where a white male protagonist steals a car or bike or anything else to save the day, she is read as a villain here simply for doing the rational thing. Much less could she have killed him and burnt down his house, because she is a hero and it doesn’t serve the plot and that would not be the thing a hero does.

A villain burning the whole joint down because someone looked at them funny is acting selfishly, self-centred. But what are you going to do, call them a villain? Duh. Complain about how what they’re doing is wrong? Well, yes.

 The lane of their actions is not narrowed by the actions of the culprit on the one side (heroes have to react appropriately and proportionally) and the expectations of the good-guy on the other (they have to act in accordance with forwarding the plot). Which means putting up with an asshole sidekick or apologising if they undergo character development that makes them a ‘better’ person and requires them to forgive someone). You might have your odd Logan who will throw a punch when he’s pissed – but here we already venture into the territory of an anti-hero.

And personally, our anger, our disappointment, all that will always be much more contained than any fictional space - by our financial situation, the people we depend on, our job, our studies, or family, our social circle. We live in a web of social expectations that we depend on every moment of our life.

Fiction itself also exists in a web of social context: What influence does it have on the audience? Will it sell? What implications does it have? How does it present its characters? Who is the author and what do they stand for? - but the fictional space, aka the world constructed in a novel, is wholly separate:

If I write a novel where I state that every Canadian person likes the colour blue and wears funny hats, then this is true in the universe of that novel, no matter what any Canadian reader might feel about it. This means two things:

1.       As writers, producers, and even as producers of fan-content, we have to be critical about what we put into the world, because by creating a fictional space, we create characters who cannot stand up against the things we say about them or make them do. Just like the superheroine in the skimpy outfit who gets her powers through the sun shining down on her nipples cannot have an authentic discussion about her body. And when young girls read our comic and see that all the male heroes are clothed and the heroine isn’t, then we are the one that came up with the sunshine-nipples.

2.       Our very own, personal interpretation of the novel – even our own - and the way we relate to it is our own. The feelings we project on the characters are individual, personal, and shaped by us.

And yes, villains usually see their comeuppance. And the thing is, many people argue here: “Well, it’s okay if the villain does x, as long as they’re punished for it.” But...that’s a difficult subject. A piece of fiction can condemn the actions of the villain without seeing them lose – the challenge to the writer is to still form a satisfying narrative, because the villain winning is the ‘likely’-seeming thing that every narrative subverts when the hero levels up and returns with her new friends to kick the villain’s ass. But even if you sympathise with the villain, seeing them win would still be an unsatisfying narrative, most of the time.

Because the whole point of an actual evil villain - and sympathising with an actual villain - is that what they’re doing is unjust. Malicious. Selfish. And projecting your desire to strike back or stand up on a villain and seeking catharsis through seeing them go wild and tear down the city needs the pushback. For them burning down the house to be satisfying, you need to see the house burn. For them to blow up the house of parliament to be satisfying – you must see the explosion.

And watching them lose provides the ultimate, necessary gravitas. Watching Team Rocket fly off with Pikachu and live happily ever after on Team Rocket money would not be satisfying. Watching our super-villain burn the world to a crisp with their death-laser would not be satisfying if they just end up getting their rocket and flying off while drinking space-mojitos.

Whether they end up being redeemed or not: The initial moment that someone fights back and defeats them at the height of their immorality and prevents the suffering of innocents is the moment that their willingness and readiness to commit violence is put to the test.

 We know the hero goes through a journey of their own - one that requires sacrifice and steels their commitment until they are ready to take on the villain. And knowing that someone is willing to make sacrifices to be able to take the villain down is the ultimate acknowledgement of the transgressive act the villain committed. Without it, it would be empty. Like watching someone punch the air.

But the truth is also that when you recreate the fictional space in another, secondary space – fanfiction, fan content, fanart – you decide what to focus on. Like, we all enjoy hurt/comfort stories, but they have a different intention than something focussed on action or the growth of the hero – because that requires for us to see the villain go down. The focus is no longer the transgressive acts of the villain – but to lay bare the pain that caused them. It is no longer about beating them down for the sake of justice.

Like, when I make a post about Frankenstein’s monster living happily ever after and people tell me that hey, the monster killed a lot of people - then we have a different premise. Because me not adding a line about the evil things the monster did to my post was based on the premise that you knew that random tumblr user langernameohnebedeutung does not condone the crime of murder because she posts about a 200-year-old book. And the #fact that my point doesn’t construct an ending where the monster stands in front of a judge and is sentenced to a certain time in jail or punished by a more heroic person is because I have daddy issues and seeing a giant creature go on a rampage through Europe to get back at its asshole Dad in a way I never could makes me quite happy the novel focussing on its acts of violence already did this and my post clearly had a different intention.

[melforbes]

seaglass blue annotations

hello! i just posted the last chapter and thought i’d put together some ~fun context~ for that fic. it got way way more attention than i ever expected and for something i feel i didn’t put that much effort into i think i did in the end put a lot of effort into it so i might as well talk about it and answer some potential questions.

my favorite book of all time is the sunlit night by rebecca dinerstein (yes, that one) and something i find really compelling about that book is how sparing the prose is, forcing the reader to fill in certain gaps, and i think having to fill in those gaps makes the book a really acquired taste with which either you love it or hate it and there’s not really an in-between

i also really adore how in that book the natural world backdrop comes to life, something i find really challenging to write. recently i even read into thin air, the book about the 1996 mount everest disaster, and even though the writing was superb, i still had to google what the hillary step was because i couldn’t picture it on my own. i don’t know how people write nature because to me it feels damn near impossible, but this sparing approach really worked, so i thought i might try it out. i tend to be longwinded (gestures vaguely at this post) and wanted to have certain parts of this be a lot smaller and more contained without negating impact. whether or not i made it work is anyone’s guess. definitely not my normal style, so to speak

based on the comments i’ve received i think this might be everyone’s favorite part. in my mind age of consent by new order was playing in the background. in pretty much every fic i have a scene like this one and all of them are based on the poem first base gold by rh*annon mcg*vin from her book branches (censored because she has a tumblr and i don’t want her seeing this haha)

i absolutely can’t do the poem justice by describing what it’s about, but the simplest, most basic interpretation of the poem is that there is no better place to kiss than right here, right now, because of the past. i really like that imagery and tend to use it a lot. she as a writer has been a big inspiration for me and if you’ve read my fic true minds i should add that the nonfiction inspiration for that was directly as a result of one of her youtube videos. i particularly love how the last paragraph (stanza? im not a poet) is one big run-on sentence that’s jovial and tongue-in-cheek and colloquial and straightforward. it feels triumphant in a quiet way to me and i love how it’s done. obviously my attempts at something similar are nowhere near as insightful, but still, the most basic image of this is that there is no better place to kiss, and that’s how i felt about the two of them finding pudding in the supermarket

this part is autobiographical; while writing this last year, i went through six months of intravenous drug treatment, a month and a half of which involved long days of doctor visits on every weekday. when you’re on stuff like that for a long time you end up with a central line for better access (potential plot hole in all of this: scully never had one) but for a month and a half i got poked almost every day and strangely enough it got harder over time. the first couple you never feel, but a week or two later you start flinching, and if the needle goes in the same vein each time, it hurts the more it gets prodded. i reached a point toward the end of the in-office visits in which i would bleed a lot every time i got poked, and i can’t watch anything like that happen to me so i was looking away each time, and when i felt that the nurse was done, i would look back over, and sometimes i would be looking down at a pool of blood that i hadn’t expected to see. it’s weird, you don’t actually feel yourself bleeding, i would’ve expected a hot bloody feeling but instead it felt like nothing. and when i say a pool i mean that it would drip down beneath my elbow, stain the sheet they’d put underneath, and i wouldn’t get all of it off until i showered. i didn’t necessarily find it scary, but it was surreal and kind of pulled me out of normalizing the experience i was having. for a very long time needing iv drugs was my greatest fear and i was surrounded by that then and fine, and then, there was blood all over my arm, and like, haha, this is actually not fine. you’d think something else would’ve been scarier, but it wasn’t. and now looking back at this paragraph i wish i’d edited it differently but hey that’s life

i’d never really understood the purpose of religion as a self-driven part of life until i took anatomy in college. i was raised catholic and though culturally i understand having a religion and being raised with one, i’ve never really reached for religion when i wanted answers, and i haven’t personally understood why that’s someone’s first option. and i know there’s been plenty of commentary on the hypocrisy of dana scully as a catholic who believes in science, yada yada yada, i think everyone has read all of that by now. but what struck me while learning anatomy is that there is a kind of neuron we don’t know the function of. there are four kinds of neurons, and one of them is still a mystery to us. and then, there’s all of these different parts of human bodies that exist in a certain perfect way, but why do they exist like that? to support life, yes, but why is it that we can make comparisons? why were irises not the same color? and we name valves of the heart after religious figures. we are so hell-bent on meaning that something literal will never be enough. and all of that made me think that dana scully has god to fill in what science won’t answer, at least not yet. and there’s definitely a bigger conversation about science as denial of indigenous cultures that i am nowhere near qualified to start. after taking those classes, i think i would be more shocked if she wasn’t religious. you can ignore pretty much all of the paragraph above but it was important to me that at some point in this fic she willingly conceded that she didn’t know what would happen and that she didn’t have answers. with illness, there is no logic, there’s no thinking your way out of it, and i think that would plague her for a long time. to me, she only would accept her death when she could say she had no idea what would happen, she has no answers, there’s nothing filling in her gaps anymore, and she’s comfortable with that. and i put all of that in a paragraph about my thoughts on god because it made sense to me. there are times that just feel like you’re in a movie and there’s no one else you can say caused them. it’s not enough to build belief on but it’s enough to bring a certain kind of wonder. also one time my parents insisted on watching stripes because it was so funny and when watching it none of us found it funny at all and my parents grimaced and were like what were we on that made that good back in the day so that’s in here now haha

and now, the biggest question: does she die at the end? when i came up with the idea for this fic, i knew the beginning and ending but not the middle, and i posted this as a smaller project (ie: chapters below 3,000 words) while illness made my bigger projects harder to work on and essentially flew by the seat of my pants the whole time. i wrote the last line a long long time ago and have always seen the ending as written as the concrete ending. when i started writing this, i never intended for there to be a definitive answer to whether or not she dies. i like premature endings (the ending of girls burn brighter comes to mind) and i think that this works better without saying whether or not she lives. and i also have a hard time with giving a definitive answer because this fic very much is about death and having her die would, of course, be traumatic, but showing her living instead i think ruins any takeaways people could have. i’ve never had cancer but as a chronically ill person i think i can speak to how you never actually win with illness; the best you can do is tie, and sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you “lose” anyway, you lose spectacularly, and all of your effort was for nothing. i wholeheartedly believe that humans can’t emotionally or logically process natural disasters or illness, hence why much of the talk about illness in this is from mulder’s perspective as he experiences her terminal illness secondhand; that way, he doesn’t need to (but still likely will) find logic or reason or meaning for death from a terminal illness, so his discoveries and his coping mechanisms aren’t as urgently needed. had i written a chapter that describes how she lives, i think that the discussion of death in this would be voided altogether. and i also don’t believe the ending would be much different whether she lives or dies; there’s still the need for death acceptance and talking about dying, whether or not she lives, and none of the story in this fic would have happened had the characters known she would live. the whole point is not knowing.

for a little while i toyed with writing an unofficial sequel of sorts in which i spelled out what i think happens after the ending, but after realizing that that would end up being longer than the original fic and would also have some massive plot holes, i decided against it. i do have my own version and i don’t want to share that version because i never really intended for my version to be some kind of genuine sequel in which every question gets answered and everything is wrapped up and happy ever after and whatnot. it was just where my brain wandered in the same way it wanders when i watch an open-ended movie. all of that to say, if you think she lives, then she lives. if you think she dies, then she dies. it’s your decision. i’d much rather you choose than me. i never marked this as “major character” death on ao3 because, well, she doesn’t die in this fic. whether or not she dies after the fic ends, that’s for you to decide. 

thank you for taking the time to read my writing. i never expected this to blow up (it blew up for me at least, for a while it was my most popular fic ever, with i think thousands more hits than anything else i’d written) and the response has been mind-boggling and wonderful. i don’t respond to comments often because it makes me feel like a pompous jerk (”thank you for enjoying this! i, too, enjoy this thing i have written! oh ho ho!” is how it sounds to me in my head, whereas when other writers respond to comments to me it just looks like thanks man have a good day, feel free to call me a weenie) but i’ve appreciated all of them very much. THANK YOU! i hope your new year is a Whole Lot Less Shit than 2020. i don’t plan on writing more msr because i don’t really have any ideas for them. thank you for making my last time special <3

[missholland]

Lan Wangji (mostly, his love)

LAN ZHAN! I read somewhere that this was said 102 times by Wei Wuxian in The Untamed. It feels like an understatement, cause I’ve watched the show so many times now I could hear ‘Lan Zhan’ being called in my sleep...

My first time watching the drama, I was full on Team Xianxian. I mean, who would not be? He’s the central character of the story, he’s the first thing you see within the first few seconds of episode 1, and who could resist his sunflower aura? I was not into Lan Wangji at all. I remember this clearly because I just found an old Instagram story in my Archive on the day I first watched this show: a screenshot of Wangji’s face in episode 3 and my caption was: ‘OMG how could Wei sunshine fall in love with this dry and boring man?’. And just like how Wangji eventually swallowed all of the statements he had made about the young Wei Wuxian (’I don’t touch other people’, ‘We’re not close’, etc.), I am not the same person on that fateful day tuning in the first episode on Netflix. I am now Team Hanguang-Jun through and through!

What I’ve been enjoying so much these days is watching random earlier/later episodes just to compare how Wangji’s attitude changed toward Wei Wuxian over 16 years-ish. It’s probably so obvious for everyone that he definitely falls in love first, even when the drama purposely made their early relationship a lot more intense comparing to the novel i.e. showing Wei Wuxian somewhat feeling the same way about Wangji in his first life, with the constant flirting and mutual pining (don’t even get me started...). Now that I kinda understand what the character is like, it makes a lot of sense the way he processed his feelings for Wuxian in his youth. I wonder how different he would have reacted without the push from the best brother/wingman in the cultivation world - Lan Xichen. Sure, Jiang Cheng had a lot to say about this too, but mostly out of a slight envy (I reckon) over Wuxian’s new subject of desire. But Lan Xichen sees through his brother, and has been pretty much WangXian fanclub admin since day 1. I don’t have a brother, but man, I wish Lan Xichen could be mine.

In my humble opinion, the fact that we were given 3 versions of Wei Wuxian throughout the series kinda gifts us 3 versions of Lan Wangji too in a way - the straight face, the confused heart, and the national boyfriend/husband. Considering the number of times I rewatched the latter half of the series i.e. episode 33 onward, I just want to write down all of my thoughts about the national boyfriend/husband Lan Wangji, and not just because that version seems to have the most lines comparing to the other two.

There are several details that were not explained much in the series (although shown on screen) so I have to read from the novel later on. But oh my god, the stuff I found... I never realized that the scene before Lan Wangji went to Mo’s manor where his guqin was playing behind him standing on the balcony referred to how he used Inquiry to find Wuxian. What Jiang Cheng said to him about having gone to a lot of places for 16 years and searching for someone completely went over my head in the first watch, and imagine how I scratched my brain revisiting that part. That plus ‘oh I’ve never seen you at a cultivation conference before’ in episode 41 - my goodness, because he was spending ALL of his time LOOKING FOR Wei Wuxian.

Another thing I hope would have been addressed in the series was the hot iron mark on his chest. I thought the story of him drinking wine and giving himself a mark identical to Wuxian’s was the prime work of a broken heart. He must have thought about their conversation in Xuanwu cave, about the mark staying on his skin forever and how Wuxian was convinced Mianmian would never forget him. Was that how Wangji was making a point of never forgetting Wei Wuxian? If that scene made into the drama, I would have thought Wangji’s character song Buwang to be play in the background. The lyrics fit the situation so much.

Personally, everything from episode 33 onward was perfection for me, finally getting to see Wangji embrace his feelings and ACT ON THEM toward the romance-blind idiot Wei Wuxian (yes, he totally is). All the caring touches and details played out so astonishingly. One of my favourite (which doesn’t seem to be a popular one since I have not seen many gifs of it on Tumblr) was when, after interrogating Huaisang, Wangji comfortably moved over the other side of the table and picked up Wuxian’s left leg to CLEAN THE EVIL SPELL - think of the level of intimacy this act is! Although that came after the romantic piggyback under the moonlight, I thought that speaks volume for someone who doesn’t even physically interact with his family members, and serves as a great follow-up right after he, again comfortably, pulled up Wuxian’s trousers to check his leg.

What I thought was always presented so beautifully is every time Wangji serves Wuxian liquor. The way he carefully picks up his sleeve, prepares the cup (I know they’re probably not called ‘cups’ but I can’t find another word), pours the liquor and slides it over to his partner is so well demonstrated and shows how much he wants to properly take care of Wuxian. Would you put so much effort in such a tiny mundane act if you’re not doing it for the most important person in your life? 

In a way, I feel like everything he does is making up for what he could not do the past 16 years, including remembering so many tiny details and keeping all sort of Wuxian-related things. My favourite Wangji keepsake moment, despite being a very short one, is the butterfly talisman at Yunping City which he gave to Wuxian to rescue Wen Ning. I don’t know why that moment makes me really really happy, probably because that was one of the earliest items Wangji could have kept hold of from Wuxian’s. That tells us how way long before he was developing feelings toward this little rebel. Not to mention, we did see Wangji even use this very talisman in episode 11 when he encountered Wen Chao on his way back to Cloud Recesses.

Yes, the ‘I knew he was Wei Ying all along’ while having all the swords pointed at you is highly pivotal as it’s basically the censored version of ‘I love you’. BUT, the moment all leading cultivators of all major and minor clans ran to Burial Mounds just to witness Lan Wangji standing proudly without flinch on the other side with Wei Wuxian makes me appreciate that whole arc a lot more than the big revelation in the last 3 episodes. Wangji ignoring his own Grand Master, Wuxian once again standing against every single person in the cultivation world but with so much confidence this time around - to me, is beyond satisfying. I love this arc so much so I wrote a separate piece about episode 44-45 - if you’re interested in more of my random thoughts, feel free to have a read here.

Thinking about all this, I’m absolutely in awe of how protective national boyfriend Wangji is to Wei Wuxian even before knowing he lost his golden core. They either have insanely accurate GPS, or just really good telepathy. Wangji’s constant attention to his partner (without having to verbally find out where he is) blows my mind every time. Remember how proud Wei Wuxian was having Lan Wangji come out just in time to fight Xue Yang at Coffin Town? That’s how much Wangji’s love and trust empowers Wuxian and makes him so so so secured, even when everyone was walking around in the fog hiding from the most notorious killer and his puppets. 

The one detail that pushed me over the edge completely (thanks a lot Lan Xichen) was the story of Wangji’s mom. Oh my god, baby Wangji sitting in the snow really messes with my head. I cannot believe it took 40 something episodes for us to learn about Wangji’s emotionally damaged upbringing and what shapes him into a stubborn lovebird as we know today. It adds A LOT more context and sadness to his famous phrase ‘bring a man back to Cloud Recesses and hide him’, as well as Lan Qiren’s statement ‘have you not learned from your father’s lesson’. I revisit the ‘bring back and hide him’ scene with a completely new perspective and can sense Wangji’s pain and confusion that Xichen described. The desperation in that statement of Wangji was a lot heavier in my eyes now that I understand the back story. If I were Wei Wuxian listening to all of that from Lan Xichen, I would probably have a meltdown right there at the doorsteps of the Silence Room.

Now we all know the source of inspiration of the infamous ‘I want to bring a man to Cloud Recesses. Bring him back and hide him’ in episode 25:

So after all of Xichen’s effort in telling Wuxian how Wangji actually feels about him through the tear-jerker story about their parents, Wei Wuxian STILL asked Lan Wangji WHY he was willing to seal Bichen and his own spiritual power so that Jin Guangyao would not hurt him. This dense man, of course, brought up the guilt card i.e. ‘Oh you don’t owe me anything’. I mean COME ON NOW YILING PATRIARCH! CAN YOU ACTUALLY BE THAT OBLIVIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO THE MAN THAT TOOK 300 LASHES ON HIS BACK FOR PROTECTING YOUR LEGACY? 

I know it went the other way in the novel, where the big confession happened. Maybe a bite from Fairy could do you some good, or just talk to Lan Xichen some more and then you can start appreciating your soulmate the way he deserves.

The silver lining after being deprived of an epic love confession is everything that happened in episode 50. It might have not been spelling-it-out clear as in ‘I love you’ ‘I love you too’ because of the government censorship, but it’s easily the most obvious yet emotional type of ending the production team has worked to hard to deliver. If you are still having trouble processing the allegedly ‘ambiguous’ finale, I can help with that - here. Just a heads up: it’s a happy ending. 

Good to know Wei Wuxian has the rest of his life making up to Lan Wangji. Everyday means everyday, because Wangji deserves THAT much!

[quillyfied]

Mega Good Omens Fic Rec Post 2

Part 2 is here!

99 titles this time because I have no self-control, once again separated into different categories: Jaunts through History/Canon, South Downs, Post-Apocalypse, Bus Ride/Night Before/Heaven and Hell, AU/UA, Soft, Before (a new category exclusive to this list, about Heaven before and during the War), Touch-Starved/Body Worship/Wings, Bonus, and H/C /Whump/BAMF. Warnings for gore and explicit material present where applicable.

Enjoy these as I have, because they’re all worth savoring!

Mega GOmens Fic Rec Post MASTER

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF A LINK IS BROKEN OR IF I MISATTRIBUTED SOMETHING.

JAUNTS THROUGH HISTORY/CANON

1. Paperwork – Mirach (T, the one where Aziraphale is filling out forms for a new corporation and is idly flashing back to the reasons for his discorporation. It has a lot to do with Crowley. This one is so sweet and heartfelt, and also has a surprise at the end that gave me a good chuckle.)

2. A Dozen Red Roses for My Darling – @raiining (G, the one where Crowley finds himself in a bit of a pickle while doing a miracle for Aziraphale. This one has the funniest summary and I don’t even know why it’s so funny to me. It’s even better that it’s a Regency story, and the underlying tension between Crowley and Aziraphale is so good. Simple and sweet.)

3. When the lights go out (run away with me) – strawberriesandtophats (T, the one where Nanny Ashtoreth and Brother Francis skip out for the night. Has a gorgeous little rendezvous between the two of them, and a wonderful second chapter where they find Warlock again. Entirely too beautiful. All the emotions.)

4. older now, and the light is dim – WISHBONE (NR, the one where Aziraphale walks in on Crowley holding baby Warlock and both he and my heart go entirely to pieces. Based on that one gingerhaole fanart, it captures the quiet tenderness of the art perfectly, and then beyond—Crowley goes a little protective at one point and then Aziraphale is introspective and it’s GOOD.)

5.  It begins, as it will end, in a garden – @tenoko1 (G, the one where it’s the cold open but with a recurring theme of flowers woven in. This one has fluctuating gender presentations and Crowley and Aziraphale discorporating each other and one utterly perfect moment where Aziraphale tries to kill Crowley and can’t make herself do it, and it is all Too Soft and Too Beautiful for words.)

6. A House in the Country – @theoldaquarian (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale take a vacation in an abandoned house in the Lake District for a summer. It’s beautiful and there’s pining and there might be thirty-six rooms in this place but it’s nicer to spend time together, dangit. Understated and quiet and perfect.)

7. The Gospel of Crowley – gutterandthestars (T, the one where Crowley gets on with tempting Christ and in true Crowley fashion it backfires on him. Jesus has the BEST characterization, he and Crowley have wonderful banter, and the whole thing is poignant and hilarious. Loved it from start to finish.)

8. build me a city, call it jerusalem – @gyzym (T, the one where Crowley considers Right and Wrong. Book-verse. Jumps around in history and is one of those really esoteric, artistic pieces that makes you stop and think about what you just read. Absolutely gorgeous.)

9. Solitarius – @popcornpowergoddess (G, the one where Crowley blesses an old cottage and is sad. This one blew my mind when I read the author is fifteen, because WOW they are going places if they’re already this good. The work is heartbreaking and a little funny and so, so visually appealing. A real treat for the brain.)

10. Sawdust of Words – @aethelflaedladyofmercia (G and T, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship and the Ineffable Plan get looked at from another angle. This series is already gonna rip me to pieces—Early Days had the most gorgeous and DIFFERENT storyline for Aziraphale post-Adam and Eve getting cast out, and it has him and Crowley actually arguing and being contentious at first in their relationship, it’s so good, especially when they start to try and work it out. Obedience hurt me in ways I did not ask for. The stories jump around in the timeline and it’s all so GOOD, I’m READY for more!)

11. An Angel who did not so much Fall In Love as Settle Into It Gradually – @theladyzephyr (G, the one where it’s exactly what it says on the tin. Jumps through history and has precious tender moments and less-than-tender moments all jumbled up in there, you can really feel with Aziraphale where he starts to lose the fight against his feelings. Just fantastic.)

12. Inauspicious (But Not Impossible) – @thetunewillcome (M, the one where there’s a kiss in 1945 and immediate consequences, and Aziraphale contemplates Romeo and Juliet. IMO doesn’t deserve the M rating, the kissing and the snogging are both pretty innocuous. The pining is real and delicious and painful, and the ways Heaven and Hell choose to remind their agents of what happens to traitors is Awful. Nothing gory, just sad. But it ends so much happier.)

13. and you can say that my hair’s a disgrace – @phoenix-soar (T, the one that’s an ode to Crowley’s hair throughout the years, and excuses for Aziraphale to touch it. Intimate, romantic, intensely emotional, just a real treat of a fic. Aziraphale loves Crowley and his hair so much.)

14. As Yearning Lips to Unyielding Stone – SanSanFanFan (G, the one where Crowley gets maudlin over a statue that looks like Aziraphale. Oh my gosh, you guys. You guys, the PINING. The YEARNING. The LONGING. It’s exquisite and painful and a work of art in and of itself. I have a soft spot for period fics, especially Italian Renaissance, for some reason, and THIS is one of the best.)

15. What’s Done In the Dark – @charmingpplincardigans (T, the one where Crowley literally glows with love and HOLY CRAP ON A STICK, Y’ALL, this one is an epic. It’s as much a story about growth as it is about love, and it’s so, so satisfying to watch Crowley go through this journey. I don’t have the words, just know that it’s one of those fics you can’t pass up. A+++++++)

16. Hot Days, Mad Blood – noodlefrog (T, the one where Aziraphale teaches Crowley how to duel, or he will in future chapters. This is a brand-spanking-new one that is gonna be so much fun to watch update. Italian Renaissance! Swordplay! Crowley being a smitten idiot! Aziraphale being competent! It’s gonna be so good y’all.)

SOUTH DOWNS

17. make your good love known to me (or just tell me about your day) – Sky_Stars_Sea (G, the one where Crowley is adjusting to living with Aziraphale. Has a beautiful sensory experience running throughout, and Crowley being so vulnerable it physically hurts. Beautiful, beautiful story.)

18. The Cottage at the End of the Lane – Angelina_Aintithenniel (T, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale have to defend what’s theirs. I have never screamed at my computer so much while reading a fic series, mostly along the lines of “LEAVE THEM AND THEIR HOUSE ALONE,” because this series is the Madoka Magica of fics: cute and fluffy casing, unexpectedly wild, angsty, action-packed innards. I adore this whole series. It makes me FEEL things.)

19. in my darkness I remember – @anthxnyjcrxwley (T, the one where it’s a soft, quiet night in the South Downs. A straight shot of fluff right to the heart, friendos, nothing more, nothing less. Stuff a mattress with this fic and say goodbye to any and all worldy pains.)

20. there’s no kingdom to come – killingthemoon (T, the one where Crowley slips off to fix up the cottage before springing it on Aziraphale. Tender, sweet, has a gorgeous ending scene that’s lots of fun and lots of shouting at the sky.)

21. A Heaven More Like This – miladyshakespeare (T, the one where it’s a Welsh cottage this time, cycling through a year. Such a beautiful piece of longing and uncertainty as Crowley and Aziraphale circle each other, a lot of quiet themes about letting yourself be cared for and letting yourself care, and also there’s a cat.)

22. The Legend of Devil’s Dyke – @sameoldsorceress (M, the one that’s a retelling of a popular South Downs local legend. Not sure at all why this one is rated M but it might be the gratuitous use of the word “cocks”, though in context it’s not filthy at all. This one is FUN, y’all, and I agree with the sentiment of the Tumblr post that inspired the fic, there need to be more fics featuring local South Downs legends.)

POST-APOCALYPSE

23. Slow – @theirdarkreturning (T, the one where the Antichrist makes some assumptions when he puts the world back together. Scores points for being very Jewish and playing right into the classic nigh-Shakespearean trope of miscommunication. Hilarious and sweet also the one where God signs the marriage certificate.)

24. Binary Stars – samael_the_scrivener (T, the one where Crowley has an emotional breakdown and Aziraphale does his best to make it right. Heavily emotional and angsty, nearly had me in tears right along with Crowley, and Aziraphale’s portion doesn’t back down from the tone, they have to fight tooth and nail through the emotional blockage to get to understanding and it’s positively sublime.)

25. If We’ve Got Nothing (We’ve Got Us) – @kedreeva (G, the one where everyone ends up where they’re meant to be. A gorgeous story about found family and working through differences and—eventually—God’s Ineffable Plan possibly coming to full fruition. I don’t wanna spoil too much, it’s best experienced blind.)

26. The Ludicrous and Many Disasters of Mister A.Z. Fell, Houseplant – @souljellied (T, the one where it is also exactly what it says on the tin and is exactly as ridiculous as you’d hope. With an unexpected but not unwelcome dash of angst, to boot. Crowley doesn’t take too well to being unable to immediately find Aziraphale, after all. Aziraphale is mostly wondering how to get out of this mess.)

27. In the (Second) Beginning – cherryfeather (M, the one where they have an inevitable conversation after the Ritz. Doesn’t really need the M rating since the smooching is intense but not graphic, and has the single greatest scene of Aziraphale reminding Crowley he’s a sensualist of ALL TIME. Fabulous work, very formative for me tbh.)

28. all I need, darling, is a life in your shape – @mortuarybees (G, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley need some convincing in the form of their well-meaning friends putting them in a room with one bed. The pining is delicious and piping hot, friends, and then suddenly oh my GoSatSomebody, they were roommates. A great little number with a beautiful confession scene.)

29. corrections – @0nelater (T, the one where Crowley is having a slow, melting come-apart about his feelings. Lots of Crowley being, in his own words, a basket case, and having a fundamental misunderstanding of how angels sensing love works, and how those two concepts are resolved. Has beautiful color symbolism and fun meta throughout.)

30. dearly beloved – @dissatisfied-starlight (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale get married, despite the universe’s best efforts, it seems. Hilarious and sweet and surprising! Not to spoil anything, but also has the best Beelzebub characterization as a nice little cherry on top.)

31. A Buried and Burning Flame – Lissomedi (G, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale visit an art museum and happen upon a disturbingly accurate and intimate depiction of themselves. Lots of Crowley pining and then being miserable, lots of Aziraphale being confused and then exasperated. So cute and sweet.)

32. The Long Game – sir_not_appearing_in_this_archive (G, the one that’s an adventure romp with proper twists and pining and saving the world. I love the spirit of this one, and the various inconveniences the cast have to overcome to stay out of Heaven and Hell’s radar. The building action right before the climax of the plot is heart-stopping, and the resolution is suitably satisfying. Was a fun way to spend a late night, for sure.)

33. in which labels are finnicky things – REVVIII (T, the one where Aziraphale is trying to figure out the perimeters of their relationship post-Apocalypse. He tries so hard, does his research, but honestly, nothing is gonna do it like talking to Crowley about it openly, which is, of course, not his first course of action. Very cute, especially when he’s trying to suss out what friends with benefits are.)

BUS RIDE/NIGHT BEFORE/HEAVEN AND HELL

34. if you wanna be alone, come with me – mygalfriday (G, the one where they can’t even make it into Crowley’s flat before it all comes spilling out. Short and sweet shot of fluff, just a perfect little sip of serotonin.)

35. The Things We Did and Didn’t Do – @dietraumerei (G, the one where they finally get their act together and defeat Heaven and Hell with the power of LOVE. Such tender, very emotion. Wow.)

36. Too Generous – rfsmiley (T, the one where That One Line, you know the one, from Pride and Prejudice serves as the inspiration. There’s some sneaky shirt-opening and it’s both hot and kinda funny. The very definition of “enthusiastic consent.”)

37. Exit Interview – Pygmy Puff (G, the one where Crowley has to survive a round of paperwork in order to get out of Heaven in Aziraphale’s body. This one went in a completely unexpected direction. I was ready for a humorous romp through Heaven’s bureaucracy. I got so much more than I was bargaining for. Read it, it’s ridiculous in all the best ways and surprisingly dangerous.)

AU/UA

38. An Honest Surrender – @kedreeva (T, the one where their plan to fool Heaven and Hell is a little different. Y’all might already know this one as the Angel Marriage fic, but for those who don’t, imagine “marriage” as we know it and then throw that concept out the window, because what happens is too weird and beautiful for words. My words, anyway.)

39. Mr. Fell – @amarguerite (T, the one that’s a reverse AU where Aziraphale is a Victorian dandy frat boy party-thrower who used to date Satan and talks about it constantly, and Crowley is Heaven’s perfect little soldier and all the PTSD that comes with. Tons of heart and originality already, though it’s still early in the fic, and a truly special dynamic between Aziraphale and Crowley. Also Aziraphale accidentally causes Original Sin by inventing brunch and if that doesn’t get you to read, nothing will.)

40. Keep Getting Stranger (I Do) – @callipygiangoldfish (T, the one that’s a Howl’s Moving Castle AU, patterned more after the book than the movie. It’s a wonderful little adventure about accepting yourself and the side-dish of falling in love is SCRUMPTIOUS.)

41. By the Light of My Stars – @theladydrgn (T, the one where Crowley was Raphael and in love with Aziraphale and that bit doesn’t change, at least. Has probably my favorite tag used in any fic ever of all time, I’ll see if you can spot it. Protective Crowley for MILES and MILES in this one, what he does to a demon that threatens Aziraphale is pure poetry. Going in a promising direction for sure!)

42. flammam gladii hinc – @wildenessat221b (G, the series where Crowley was Raphael and wiped Aziraphale’s memory to protect him. Has the BEST backstory for the flaming sword, of all things, and a bittersweet story throughout. Told in terms of [redacted] so it’s got a bit of mystery to it but not much. Somehow that makes it sadder.)

43. Bring Out Your Dead – metallic_sweet (T, the one where Crowley is Raphael and a healer no matter what Heaven tries to get him to do. A reverse AU where Aziraphale is a shark, of all things, and a warrior with a supernaturally bad sense of direction trying his best. It’s a refreshing change of pace in both reverse AUs and Raphael AUs; Crowley is still gruff and Aziraphale is still sweet and it’s perfect.)

44. Something to do with these sacred words – @thehumantrampoline (T, the one where Crowley confesses early and often. It’s both lovely and sad, in a way, for Crowley to be so open about his feelings so much without Aziraphale doing much about it besides panic internally, but the ending is sweet, very much so.)

45. reckless and wild and stricken – @weatheredlaw (T, the one where Armageddon happens again and this time it’s a true post-apocalyptic nightmare scenario. Weatheredlaw is famous for having fics that just tear at the heartstrings, and this one’s no different. It’s tender and it’s sad and it’s desperate and it HAUNTS ME.)

46. A price to pay – @aerococonut (T, the one where performing miracles costs Crowley something. A lovely look at the technicalities of Crowley—and Aziraphale, mind—doing something they aren’t made for, and the ways it changes them. Fans of fics about chronic pain, this is the one.)

47. Soulmates – GoodandIneffable (G, the one where your lies put marks on your soulmate’s body, and Aziraphale and Crowley are soulmates. This is one I wish had at least a 3k-word expansion, because the concept is gorgeous and Crowley’s realization at what it truly means to be Aziraphale’s soulmate is staggering. Short, but worth it.)

48. i love(d) you – extraordinarilyextreme (G, the one that’s a Star Wars AU and it WRECKED ME. Force-bonds, love, betrayal, forgiveness, AUGH. It’s too much. I love it. Also Padawans Warlock and Adam ftw.)

49. The Book of Aziraphale – @gigglesnortbangdead (T, the one where Aziraphale wrote poetry he never intended to make public, and naturally it goes public. This had the potential to be silly or sweet and wound up directly in poignant instead; Aziraphale takes a decidedly self-loathing approach with a lot of his poetry and it’s amazing to watch him work through his feelings about himself and about Crowley.)

50. Of Celestial Sonnets and Pitiable Poets – trieduntrue (T, the one where Crowley wrote poetry he never intended to make public and then Hell finds it. So naturally, to save his skin, he has it printed and distributed under the guise of “spreading sin.” Then he writes and publishes a second one completely drunk. This one is pure silliness and Crowley schadenfreude; it really plays up the beloved device of “everything Crowley does backfires on him somehow” in the most lighthearted way.)

51. The Healer and the Lover – Nnm (T and G, the series where Aziraphale’s name means “of Raphael” and that’s who Crowley used to be, and there’s a lot of complicated feelings involved. Really emotionally complex and interesting take on the Raphael AU, one I’ve come back to a lot because it’s so compelling.)

52. Tracing The Stars On Your Skin – PunJedi (T, the one where Crowley’s freckles used to be stars. Achingly sweet and sad, goes through each constellation Crowley made and has a story for it. The end is just gorgeous, really emotional and sweet.)

53. On the Matter of Touch – @somedrunkpirate (T, the one where Aziraphale is flooded with the emotions of the ones he touches, and Crowley is a touch-starved lovesick sad sap. Incredibly tender and emotional, lots about boundaries and communication and the Mortifying Ordeal of letting yourself care and be cared for.)

SOFT

54. keep me close – @saints-and-demons-preserve-us (G, the one where Aziraphale accidentally discovers that Crowley does local theatre. It’s so funny and sweet and full of longing and excellent Broadway tunes, and also Aziraphale is The Most Awkward and it’s gratifying af.)

55. i keep a window for you (it’s always open) – @campgender (T, the one where they quote Romeo and Juliet a lot. It’s beautiful and romantic and Shakespeare always deserves appreciation. The lines that are picked out are especially gorgeous in the context of the fic.)

56. Hunter’s Heart, Hunter’s Mouth – kashiichan (T, the series where Aziraphale romances Crowley with poetry. I’m new here so I don’t quite understand the Gomens fandom’s immortal love of Richard Siken, but I can darn well appreciate good poetry, especially when it’s couched in tender touches and overwhelming feels.)

57. Fools in Love – @theres-a-goldensky (T and M, the series where this is absolutely true. The first is a frankly hilarious jaunt at Aziraphale trying different hobbies and dragging Crowley into them, the second is Aziraphale not realizing he’s projecting his own longing for Crowley onto everyone around him and then getting jealous of his own warped perceptions. M rating is more for lascivious intent and verbiage than actual smut, and what an intent it is XD)

58. To Trust in One Another – bluespring864 (T, the one where Aziraphale is haunted by something insensitive he once said to Crowley. Do you enjoy pining that builds until it breaks every dam in the universe? Do you enjoy self-flagellating for something dumb you said once? Welcome to paradise, friends, a sweet, adorable paradise.)

59. Best Not To Dwell On It – @saaliyah (G, the one where they make out in a linen closet sometime in the early 1800s. Short, simple, sweet, and making out in a linen closet, what more do you thirsty lovies need XD)

60. Something So Precious – @freyjawriter24 (G, the one where Aziraphale and Crowley are adopted by two separate groups of old ladies who take it upon themselves to matchmake, as groups of old ladies are wont to do. Too adorable for words, will cause literal discorporation.)

61. Birds of a Feather – @idiopathicsmile (T, the one where Aziraphale is nesting and Crowley doesn’t get it. Another one of those classic miscommunication fics where everything is awful until they finally get on the same page, and then it’s wonderful. Also the thought of Aziraphale in particular feathering his nest with things he and Crowley both like is the sweetest mental image of all time.)

62. Just Hold On Tight – @books-n-bentleys (G, the one where communication is key to every relationship. Love languages are a thing and making sure you and your partner come to an understanding about them is important; see this fic for why this is a really good idea. Because every relationship deserves tenderness and understanding and the correct level of schmoop.)

63. Braving Those Angry Skies – ladymerlot (T, the one where Crowley nearly kills himself saving Aziraphale from Nazis. Crowley is so perfectly in character throughout it’s almost funny even when it isn’t (maybe especially when it isn’t). A prime example of my favorite Gomens fic trope to date. I know I don’t have a lot of variance in my adjectives but you guys TENDER. ROMANTIC. SWEET. IT’S ALL OF THEM.)

64. Moral Arguments – WhiteQueenWrites (T, the one where Crowley and the gang help a woman get revenge on her truly horrible ex. This one is FUN, there’s no other way to say it. It’s cathartic and satisfying and is one of those fics I wish was a cheesy movie I could watch while eating disgusting amounts of popcorn.)

65. get religion quick (cause you’re looking divine) – @brinnanza (G, the one where Aziraphale is convinced Crowley doesn’t love him back and it’s fine. Cute and emotional and must absolutely be read with its counterpart below. This one first, that’s why it’s listed first; they aren’t related in the way that they’re the same scene from different perspectives, they’re just similar situations with the roles swapped, and it’s so worth reading, these idiots I swear 2 Someone.)

66. you play with my feelings (right from the start) – @penrosesun (G, the one where Crowley is convinced Aziraphale doesn’t love him back and it’s fine. Hilarious and emotional and must absolutely be read with its counterpart above. Really illustrates how two smart people can completely miss the point for THOUSANDS OF YEARS.)

67. Worth Any Price – @sameoldsorceress (T, the one where Crowley sets up a kissing booth. You guys I was ready for fun shenanigans involving Crowley kissing the general public and maybe Aziraphale getting a little bothered under the collar. I was not expecting the FEELS. The PLOT. The UNEXPECTED PUNCH TO THE GUT. Absolutely an underrated treasure in this fandom, needs to be talked of often.)

68. Bodies of Change – @dietraumerei (G, the one where Aziraphale has new clothes. This one plays right into my Fashion itch and it’s wonderful and body-positive and so, so sweet. Crowley is so smitten with his angel.)

69. i did not know ‘twas love i gave – miribees (T, the one where Aziraphale makes Crowley a mixtape. This one is unexpectedly bittersweet and tender, with Crowley and Aziraphale in a fight for a good chunk of the fic, but it’s the apology and the making up that’s sweetest, of course.)

70. World Cold, Aziraphale Warm – maddiemaynot (NR, the one where Crowley is trying his best, okay. It’s unbearably romantic how much they love each other, how they slide into soft intimacy in fits and starts. Also has quite possibly the most disastrous date in history, but it’s the thought that counts.)

BEFORE

71. Fractured Heart – @asparklethatisblue (T, the one that’s gonna murder me with Aziraphale’s feels. The premise is that angels can be physically broken by strong emotion, and what’s stronger than the grief of losing a loved one to the Rebellion? Also dealing with Aziraphale’s feelings for Crowley getting tangled up in his feelings for his lost heavenly love, and it’s DELICIOUS.)

72. ask, and ye shall receive – @ariaste (G, the one where Crawly gets exactly what he’s asking for. Very much has the feel of my something-great grandpa, who once told a man “Go ahead, shoot me!” and was obliged. Hilarious and sweet, you can FEEL God’s smugness throughout the entire fic.)

73. what wound did ever heal – HallsofStone2941 (M, the one where Aziraphale is wounded in the War in Heaven and carries it with him. Rated M for one line involving sexytimes that truly isn’t that bad at all. Aziraphale is just so good and brave and Aziraphale about it all, A+++ characterization.)

74. Falling – @differentjasper (T, the one where the War in Heaven changed a lot of things. Read this if you want to picture little baby angel Aziraphale and Crowley and then get EMOTIONALLY WRECKED about them. I kinda wanted to rip my own heart out just to stop it from hurting so much while reading it.)

TOUCH-STARVED/BODY WORSHIP/WINGS

75. Uncaffeinated Decisions – @suntosirius (T, the one where Aziraphale is insecure and Crowley is sleepy. Utterly heart-rending in the best way; reading Crowley being so loving of Aziraphale’s body was extremely cathartic and satisfying, and continues to deliver every re-read.)

76. And So He Bringeth Them Unto the Haven – @je-suis-em-jee (T, the one where they’re both so touch-starved it’s obscene. Pitch-perfect romance and intimacy, I could feel the affection and love in my very bones.)

77.  All that’s been shown to me (Sunlight) – WillowRoseBrook (T, the one where Aziraphale needs some convincing that being soft is good. I’m especially weak for softness being praised, so this one hit me like a nail between the eyes. Intense, passionate, and intimate. Deffo got that praise kink going, too.)

78. These Fragments I Have Shored Against My Ruins – @istezada (NR, the one with vague D/s themes as Crowley and Aziraphale work through their traumas together. Has wing grooming and praising and misunderstandings and communication, oh my. A veritable piñata of feels.)

79. Long For the Touch of Your Hand – sara_wolfe (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale Did the Do in ancient Athens and predictably never touched again because Miscommunication. Oh, y’all, so mournful and uncertain, so desperate and sweet! My skin literally ached the first time I read this, it was the best.)

80. I Love My Lover With A-- – DictionaryWrites2 (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale have a game that involves kissing and adjectives. Book-verse, one of those curious fics where you’re both drowning in feels and learning something. Sensual in all the best ways and so achingly loving.)

81. Untouched – @etaleah (T, the one that RIPPED MY HEART FROM MY CHEST WITHIN THE FIRST COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS OR LESS. And then CONTINUED TO PUMMEL ME INTO THE GROUND FOR THREE THOUSAND WORDS. Crowley is so painfully touch-starved it kicked my own touch-starvedness into overdrive. Will take your emotions and leave them bleeding and broken before carefully bandaging them up and giving them a snuggle.)

82. a garden all their own – @letmetemptyou (T, the one where Crowley gets some much-needed TLC as he starts to process the day of Armageddon. Plaintive, poignant, and deeply emotional. Absolutely wrecked me.)

BONUS

83. High Risk, No Reward – @asideofourown (T, the one where idiots try to rob the bookshop. BAMF Aziraphale and hapless mortals, it doesn’t get any better than this.)

84. Asportation – @mazarin221b (T, the one where Aziraphale gets kidnapped and gets the best of his kidnappers. Or, rather, brings out the best in his kidnappers. Such a delightful way for Aziraphale to deal with the people who tried to put him up for ransom, the whole thing is utterly charming.)

85. A Button to Lurk – @reidluver (T, a quiet and mournful look at a possible spin on Michael and Hastur’s relationships with Ligur, and what’s left after Armageddon. Took me completely by surprise. Understated, powerful, and dignified, if you can believe it. Of course it is, it’s Michael.)

86. And So They Grew Better – JiMoriartea (NR, the one that’s about the plants! Basically has canon from the perspective of the unfortunate little plant that gets singled out for having a leaf spot. She is a delight and I’m so proud of her, and can’t wait to see her completely miss the point of future events XD)

87. Secret Agent Man – @theaceace (G, the one from the perspective of an actual secret agent who doesn’t think Crowley and Aziraphale are very good at their jobs. Baffling and hilarious and wonderful in every way.)

H/C /WHUMP/BAMF

88. The Point of You and Me – Rizandace (T, the one where you think everything is gonna be fine and then Gabriel happens. The danger is real. The emotions are real. The heart-stopping was figurative but felt pretty real at the time, tbh. Prepare to get punched in the face with your feelings.)

89. (Don’t) Say My Name – @cosmicocelot (M, the one where Crowley gets summoned by a not-nice person. M for torture. A classic search-and-rescue and it’s the best OH SNAP moment when Aziraphale finally catches up. Woof.)

90. Something Wicked – @thepaisleyelf (M, the one where Aziraphale gets summoned by a not-nice person. M for torture, though it’s supernatural and not exactly graphic. This one is an intense and wild adventure, y’all, that morphs straight into intense and desperate attempts at care and healing. The whole thing is a tender love story wrapped in a Victorian supernatural candy coating and it SLAPS.)

91. Every Demon Wants his Pound of Flesh – @dolphin-bouillabaisse (T, the one where Hastur is stalking Crowley. If hurt!Crowley trying to be brave and not let anyone know he’s hurting and bamf!Aziraphale taking care of business once he finally figures it out is your flavor, then welcome to Flavor Town, because this one is juicy. Was not at ALL expecting the ending, it’s delicious and vindictive.)

92. And we could feel, (none of it) – @clankclunk (G, the one where Aziraphale comes to grips with how Crowley knows to save him and the implications of that. Aziraphale’s entire emotional journey through this fic is so heartbreaking. But the conclusion is the exact counterbalance of healing and sweetness needed. Also Heaven is full of dicks but we knew that (except Aziraphale didn’t but that’s the point of this fic, now go read it).)

93. the wonder that keeps the stars apart – Nilmiel (G, the one where, fourteen hours after he gets the holy water, Crowley immediately has an Incident. Painful and emotional and intensely sweet. The second chapter has the best closure, even though it happens post-Armageddon’t.)

94. goodnight sweet prince (and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest) – @xoxoemynn (T, the one where Crowley needs a nap. Told throughout like a bedtime story in between the narrative and it’s such a charming effect, watching Crowley succumb to his exhaustion and Aziraphale take care of him.)

95. Fragments of Life – TheGirlWithBrightEyes (G, T, M, the series where Crowley has PTSD and anxiety, and Aziraphale adjusts. This series is a heartbreaking one and doesn’t shy away from the ugly parts of neurodivergence, but as much pain as there is, there is an equal and even greater amount of comfort and positive reinforcement. The single M is for a fic that toes the line of smut but doesn’t actually go over. Feels as cathartic as a good long cry.)

96. A Choiceless Hope In Grief – @thealphaaxolotl (NR, the one inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice. Featuring Crowley trapped in Tartarus and Aziraphale being more determined than Heaven and Hell combined to save him. One of those stories that drags you through the dark but doesn’t leave you there—at least, not alone, not without comfort.)

97. November Rain – FeatherBlack (T, the one where Crowley has a very bad time dealing with his emotions and Aziraphale is very bad at communicating. Visceral and emotional and raw and difficult to read at times with how miserable everyone is, but it does get better. It does definitely get better.)

98. Within These Walls – Elvendork (G and T, the series that you think is gonna be a fluffy “Greatest Showman” song-inspired jaunt but then comes out of left field with a sucker punch straight to the throat. Touching and thrilling and who invited Gabriel and Sandalphon, because I sure didn’t.)

99. Sticks and Stones – Kaz_Langston (T, the one where Aziraphale develops disordered eating because Gabriel is a dick. This one hurt so much, Aziraphale does not deserve what happens to him, but he does deserve the love and care Crowley gives him as a result.)

[mego42]

207 Discussion Q’s

shout out and thank you to @pynkhues for putting these together even though she wasn’t gonna be here this week

1. What was your favourite scene of the episode? Tell us why!

obvs the dubby but underrated fav is Ruby and Jane in the closet, idk exactly why but I am starved for the families interacting with each other content (screw the timeline, the most unrealistic aspect of this show is that they aren’t constantly in and out of each other’s houses with ben and sara continually being called on to babysit) so this little snippet makes me levitate

2. Was there any scene that missed the mark for you? And if so, how?

the annie and noah scenes for sure. I mostly feel betrayed bc I really liked them the first time I watched (i have a lot of built in affection for sam huntington let me live) and now I’m like BEGONE FOUL BETRAYER and feel pre-emptive fatigue over annie’s taste in men and how that’s not going to get better any time soon

3. I know time does not exist in the Good Girls universe (or in reality anymore), but let’s start with a timeline question! The implication of the opening montage is that a bit of time has past since Beth strongarmed the partnership with Rio at the end of 2.06. How long do you think it’s been? And more importantly, what do you think these early days of their partnership looked like?

I tend to lean towards at least 2 months, maybe more based on:

the number of shoeboxes and how many times Beth’s shown making a closet deposit

how lived in their annoyance over Beth’s dividing her time and Rio pushing back feels

the implication (at least how i read it) that Rio’s annoyance stems from having to track Beth down which presumably implies they’d grumbled their way into a semi-functional working relationship prior (supported by their ease with each other in 208) and if the montage has only been a month, that would be a maximum of 4 meetings and I don’t particularly think that’s enough time for them to get over being extremely prickly with each other

the fact that Beth goes to Rio for help when Jane’s missing (again, to me implies a longer period of time to get over some of their antagonism than a max of 4 meets)

I imagine their initial partnership went something like Beth being a smug brat about forcing her way in, Rio being deliberately unhelpful and trying to force her to admit she’s in over her head (while still keeping enough of an eye on things that his money isn’t jeopardized), Beth stubbornly refusing to and finding ways to rise to the occasion, Rio being grudgingly impressed, Beth being annoyed with herself for how pleased she is over that. Lather, rinse, repeat until they’ve worn a cantankerous but bizarrely comfortable groove into each other.

meanwhile, Mick, Annie and Ruby are absolutely disgusted by everything happening in front of their eyes.

4. The first scene between Ruby and Turner in this episode is a really dynamic one! It’s pretty clear that Ruby’s afraid of Turner, but what do you think Turner thinks of Ruby?

I think he sees a big cartoon canister labeled "Beth Boland Bait"

5. Taking the kids to the drop was a pretty big mistake! What do you think Beth should’ve done in this instance? Do you think saying no again to Rio was an option?

CALLED BEN OR SARA FOR A BABYSITTING ASSIST. For fucks’ sake.

And yeah, I think she could’ve said no to Rio but he would’ve kept her cut of that drop and, even worse, would’ve been able to hold the fact that she didn’t deliver that one time over her head forever more.

6. The krav maga teacher offers some sage advice telling Dean to not order the hit and instead just divorce his wife, haha. Do you think that he thought the baby hitmen would come through for Dean? Or do you think he was deliberately setting Dean up to get robbed?

I choose to believe the krav maga teacher knew exactly what kind of an idiot Dean was and set him up because the dude clearly had at least two brain cells to rub together and anyone with two brain cells to rub together would never get tangled up in a murder plot with Dean standing on the street corner telling random bystanders in detail how he wants to kill the guy that fucked his wife what do you mean established means and motive Boland.

7. During Ben and Annie’s tense conversation, Ben tells Annie that she’s hard to keep track of - she’s parent mom, cool mom, sketchy mom. In a lot of ways, this feels like a parallel to Ruby talking to Beth in the last episode and calling her ‘drug Beth, gun Beth, human trafficking Beth’. What do you make of this? And how do you think it relates to the show’s themes?

I defer to @foxmagpie’s answer because I like it a lot. 

8. The scene with the girls in the house! Tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I love this scene a lot

Beth’s channeling Rio in general but also specifically in 201 you will never ever change my mind

Sometimes I lie awake at night wishing Rio had seen it

Prayer circle that he sees a version of it in s4

Can you imagine the nightmare level of boner he would get? The sheer narcissism!!

Ruby’s obvious wish for new friends is The Most Valid

I really love the main drug den guy, I love Blake Shields’s energy, it makes the scene crackle, and I wish they’d bring him back purely bc he’s gr9

9. Annie meets Noah in this episode! What do you think of their introduction to one another? And how would you rate Noah on the scale of ‘Garbage Annie Love Interests’?

at least he’s not her therapist I guess

10. Beth has two pivotal and emotionally revealing fights this episode - one with Dean and the other with Rio. How do these fights compare? And what do you think they tell us about her respective relationship with them?

UUUNNNNNFFFFFFFF

I L O V E how hard the show goes on Dean’s obsession with Beth and Rio as the primary source of his angst

the fact that he’s trying to rope Stan into murder while looking for Jane who isn’t even MISSING but Dean had NO IDEA bc instead of giving a shit he went straight to HOW CAN THIS BE THAT GUY’S FAULT

I love how clearly they delineate that it isn’t about Beth but specifically about someone else ~*~taking~*~ Beth from him and how emasculated that makes him feel (something something something the storyline opens with the krav maga guy choking him out and then telling him to divorce her and Dean being like I reject your rational and logical solution bc it doesn’t punish the man who touched my property, idk i have a half baked thought there but i can’t pull it out of my brain)

and then it’s all underscored how little Dean’s worried about Beth and her safety by him bringing her work up specifically as a gotcha (which, unless I’m forgetting something, is p much the only context Dean ever brings it up in besides maybe the sit down fight but that’s again, about Beth acting out vs genuine concern)

Meanwhile, this is contrasted with:

Beth flipping tf out at the mere suggestion Rio would ever hurt her children, showing how deeply and instinctively she trusts him in regards to her children aka what’s been established as her Most Important Priority over and over (in the same breath that she rips into Dean for losing Jane in the first place)

which is doubled down on her immediately going to Rio for help

and he is FURIOUS at her, but the thing he leans hard on isn’t how she could have jeopardized the business deal (aka his money, what’s been established as his Most Important Priority over and over) but how she jeopardized herself and how badly she can fuck up if she doesn’t take this seriously

putting himself in a vulnerable position (presumably burning a connect, letting on that Beth means something to him beyond business) to look out for Beth’s emotional well-being

And then, just to drive it home a little further, @sothischickshe pointed out the Beth and Rio fight over Beth’s self preservation is directly paralleled with Stan freaking out at Ruby over the IA stuff because he’s worried about her and I had to go and stare at a blank wall for a few minutes to calm down.

anyway, draw your own conclusions.

11. Ruby takes Jane being missing as an opportunity to try and find evidence on Beth for Turner and, in the process, finds Jane too. How do you think this scene captures Ruby’s moral dilemma? And do you think it’s a satisfying turning point in the Ruby-Turner arc?

I struggle a lot with the Turner and Ruby plot specifically because I HATE that Turner’s ruthlessly leaning on Ruby as the weak link but I’m also ferociously attracted to him so I’m less bothered by it than I feel like I should be so mostly I just try not to think about any of it.

Idk, I see it in some ways as a continuation of Ruby’s fight with Beth and Annie in s1 where Annie said she isn’t blood. They put Ruby on the outside but when push comes to shove, Ruby still puts the two of them above her own family. As far as I’m concerned, Annie still owes Ruby a massive apology for that. Beth I let off the hook a little because by the end of the season she’s ready to turn herself in to make it all go away for all of them (I think, unless I’m misremembering, which is entirely possible bc I don’t think I’ve ever rewatched all of 213)

12. RIO GETS BETH THE DUBBY!! That’s it, that’s the question. Please discuss.

I think a lot about how the gesture is so baldly honest neither one of them can face it either at all (Rio) or without taking a shot first (Beth) which, now that I’ve typed it out, is also an interesting flip of their general MO bc under normal circumstances I’d put Rio down as the one that, of the two of them, is more willing to face stuff whereas Beth’s the one that hides from it.

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

my annotations for chappy 11 of ysijwa

this is just for drea and leyla to read so if you're not drea or leyla pls keep scrolling :)

ok this is pretty chaotic and like i said earlier i treated this ike a wattpad comment section so... have fun ig :)

SHERLOCK AND WATSON CINEMATIC UNIVERSE SHUT UPPPPP I LOVE YOU SM DREA

NOT MISS SNAP CRACKLE POP

jealous y/n you say???

now i know why you ignored all my tiktok asks lmao

HELPLESS OH MY GOD

truly madly deeply intended :)

damn he's kind of a narcissist yk? like "I have to be serious my entire family depends on it" shut up mr darcy you're not special

devout in his religion hmmmmmm hopefully we see some more religious trauma content bc me too vampy

awww he wants kids but now he cant have them bc hes... dead :(

AWWW his sister taught him to knit :( if he doesn't knit bloodbag a sweater i swear to god

stuffy moron is correct

"IT'S A FUCKING WONDER HE EVER GOT LAID" OIJRIOJWEIOJIEWOJFIOEJOF

"THE ATROCITY THAT IS BEING ACQUAINTED WITH NIALL AND HIS HORRIBLE AFFINITY FOR CHEAP FLANEL" ORJFOIJFEIOWJ YOURE SUCH A POET

he's so dumb she was with him bc he's hot that much should be obvious to him🙄

FOOLISHLY HOPELESSLY UNMEASURABLY IN LOVE HWAT THE FUCK DREA IM SAD

i love that he remembers the spinal cord dislocation and the dead leaves . like yea im dead rn but the leaves in my hair are really what's bothering me the most

what the fuck is a maw

ok i looked it up i get it now

"attachment is for gullible idiots" yup and youre one of them vampy 😌

"the warmest skin his icy fingers had ever had the good fortune to touch" im so soft rn

oh so now she has "a wholesome beauty about her nature" ? i thought she was just cute enough 🤨

HE THINKS HER SMILE COULD RESTART HIS HEART THATS SO CUTE IM OUHOIJFOEWIJFIOEWJ

"the responsibility of keeping her safe, satisfied, and happy" how 🥺 🥺🥺

"as long as he breathes" i thought he didn't breathe lmao BUT I GET THE SENTIMENT

"always when it comes to her" IM SCREAMING RN THIS IS SO SOFT I CANT

ill never forgive him for being so dense either his brain is basically a rock

HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE THAT HE BELONGED TO HER IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

couldnt be me i dont want to be percieved

HE ADDED A FUCKING BUTTERFLY AFTER THE DISCO BALLS IM OIWFJIOEWJFIOEJIOEWNOJIWJ(*H(WUIOFJIOEWJFIOWHVIFUEH)U)($UT

HEY a hamilton obsession is not childish😤

'the only person who was allowed to touch him there was y/n' he's like a little kid who's possessive omggggggg

oh this reminds me i rlly hope everything in that chest was new and had never been used on anyone else owijfowiejfioewj

oh please my irish king can control himself let y/n meet the other vamps🙄

"if they knew all along why did it take so long" yk im wondering the same thing dummy

"every day was a battle to earn her love and affection" wtffff how could she hurt him like that he is just a baby

i think he needs therapy tbh

yes he does deserve to be treated with respect and dignity😤

"supporting and tolerating them despite your differences" exactly unless they're a republican

IM SORRY THAT WAS MEAN OIWFJOIWJFEIOw i said what i said tho

they did everything backwards but it's what baby needed🥺

im literally gonna 🔪 bradley how dare he hurt my favorite ribeye like that

PROPER BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND BONDING PLSSSSS im sure he makes sure to say stuff like "as your boyfriend' or 'since youre my girlfriend' all the time now

"everything that has to do with harry has always and will always make her feel safe and secure" ...who's gonna tell her👀

HE BECOMES CLINGY IVE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

awwww my love language is also quality times bestiesssssss

(this is more serious you might want to change the words to nose kisses or something because esk*mo is a slur)

HE wants to be wrapped in HER arms and get forehead kissies like a little baby🥺🥺

i can tell you wrote this chappy bc leyla would never write about ice cream

IF CHRIST CAN GET A DATE MARKER SO CAN HARRY OIFJOEIWJFIOEWJFWI PLSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE HIM

ALWAYS FOR HER WEJFIOJWEIOFJEWIOFJOIEWJFOIEWJF HES SO IN LOOOOOVE

HE DID IT AND IM SO PROUD OF HIM🥺

omg i have a thot imagine if she got a heart murmur or something and obvi he knows bc he can hear it so now he has to find a way to make her get it checked out out without being suspicious 😭

HE ROCKS HER TO CALM HER DOWN WHEN SHES HAVING NIGHTMARES IJFEOWIJFOIWEFJ

“nearly blinds himself for eternity” what a drama queen i love him

maybe learn how to turn your brightness down grandpa

“can women sense emotional distress” why is this so funny oiewfjwieojfioewj

DEHUMANIZING OWEIJOIAJAKLFSDJLKSDJFKLD

not a psychotic episode 😭😭

crippling mommy issues woejfkljdklsjsdf me too king

awwwww he made her a full buffet i would cry

matchy socks im gonna sob

king is a chef 😌

y/n’s head @ harry’s clavicle rn: 💥

“his plush chest” drea its ok you can say titties

“absolutely flawless”? are you sure shes not just cute enough 🤨

he got her oat milk 🥺the sign of true love

hes such a shithead i love him

SPELLING HIS NAM E ON HER TUMMY IM HAVING ANOTHER STROKE

“I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE” HES SO WOIFJSJFSDKJKLSDJF

HE DIDNT HAVE TO DO NIALL LIKE THAT 😭😭

RAPUNZEL HAIR OSIDJSKJKLSJF

she traces a tiny heart on him wtfffffffffff im sad

this… is hot

“theres no room on the counter” owifjlksjfslkfjklsj

HE WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR HER maybe then he’d be a little less cold

im sorry that was wrong of me lisjfskldjfwoiejewiojrei

OH MY GOD OWEIJFKLJSKLFJL SHES SO BOLD “can’t i?” OSIJFKSLJLKJF

oh boy hes gonna kill her

I WONDERED WHEN THE YOURE HOT WHEN YOURE MEAN THING WAS GOING TO COME UP

literally shut the fuck up mr english major

do it bestie kick him in the balls

SPARE BOOBIES MAAM I CNAT BELIEVE YOU aCTUALLY WROTE THAT OWIFEJWIJEKLJFOIEWHOEWIFEHFLKEWJFKLEWJKLJFL

IM WHITE IM ALLERGIC TO SPICE WEJFLKJFKLEJFLKJSKLJKFSJD

“character development at its finest” what a self aware king

y/n stop being mean to him baby just wants to feel close ☹️

“I’m anemic” ok king whatever u say

“ME AND MY CHRONIC ILLNESS IM SENSITIVE” IJFKLSDJFKLJSDKLJ

ahhhhhhh it’s yoga time

“just ask your cervix” jlksdjflksdjflkdsjflk

“if only you knew” ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

yeah y/n isnt like those other girls 🤪 shes different 🤪

yes bestie objectify him

THERE IT IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THIS ENTRIE BOOK

PERHAPS MY FAVORITE LINE IN ANY BOOK EVER

“He hasn't been this stiff since rigor mortis”

i think about this on a daily basis i truly do

grey shorts? what a slut

“call the lapd im pressing charges” me after walking up the stairs

OH SO THIS IS WHERE THE GREYS ANATOMY CHARACTERS FROM THE SPOILERS WITHOUT CONTEXT COME IN

him using his shirt as a towel im BARKING

“I wasnt jealous” yea ok 😃

AGAIN HIM DRAWING HIS INITIALS ON HER SKIN THATS SO WOIJFSKLDJFLSJ

yeah harold she just wanted a little kiss 😤

yeah 😃 its bc he ran track 😃

no bc thats so fucking cute that she pretended she had never seen the show before bc he was excited to introduce her to it 🥺

I would do the same tbh i feel like it would be fun to wash dishes with harry idk why

“that skank” oisjksldfjklsjfklsdjflkd

YOUR THICK SKULL COULD DAMAGE THE MARBLE LSKFJKLDSJKFLSDJFKLSJFKLSJKLSJLDKFJLSKDJF I WOULD CRY

he gets her a cup of water 🥺

ok but like wouldn't she want to wash her hair after it got all sweaty at yoga

awwwww she got his toothbrush ready for him why am i so soft rn

memory foam mattresses sound nice but actually they kind of suck bc you sink down and feel trapped in them 😃

HE WATCHED THE TIKTOK SHE SENT HIM IM HAVING A THIRD STROKE

niall is probably on the dumbest side of tiktok idek what side but it’s probably annoying and he thinks it’s hilarious

noooo baby youre not a monster🥺 someone give him a hug rn

well actually you are kind of a monster but its ok we still love u bestie

I too run on caffeine and pizza pockets 😌

TONSIL HOCKEY WHAT THE FUCK OIEJFLSDKJFKLSDJFLSJLKFJSDKLFJ

chatsnap hes such an old man 😭

true lmao if you dont have social media i immediately dont trust you

not the i just washed my hands tiktok 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HE FEELS STRANGELY PERCIEVED RN KJFLSJFLKSDJ IDK WHY THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BUT IM LIKE LEGIT LAUGHING

DO IT BESTIE BITE HIM CHOMP CHOMP

“my eyes are stinging” hes such a baby 😭

“MY SIGH”TS ALL FUZZY” SJFKDSLJFLKDSJFLKDSJFLK

“are you all right” “I dont know :(’ i cant handle this my face hurts from smiling lksjflkjafklj

he has a kitchenaid stand mixer omg thats so sexy

ok but has anyone ever gotten salmonella from raw cookie dough bc i think thats just a myth

fuck u for that one vampy

wow he could never deal with my chronically ill ass

WAIT IS IT WAP

NOPE ITS BETTER LSDFJSDKLFJDS

I agree body is absolutely an instrumental masterpiece

I KNEW HE KNOWS SOME TIKTOK DANCES I KNEW IT

“I know youre kinda into that (getting smacked in the face)” SHUT UPPPPPPP SKJFSKDLJFDS

NOT HIM TWERKING SLKFJSDKLFJDSKLFJDSKL

YES YN GET THAT VIDEO AND BLACKMAIL HIM

“I think i popped something” ok old man 😭

why is the word wench so funny lkfjslkfjdslkfjsdlkfj

dont hand it over i want to see him snap

OH SHIT HE JUST JUMPED THE TABLE LSDFJSDKLFJLKDNMNXCMNJKHOIUIOEUR

oooooooooooo

OH MY GOD AGAIN SHE REALLY IS BOLD SLKDFJDSKLFJLSKDJFLKJFS

not guerrilla warfare 😭😭😭😭

do it bestie give him a concussion he deserves it

“no piece of art could ever compare to her” 🥺🥺

“remember that time you told me making out was childish” “no” i hate him 😭

THERE IT IS AGAIN “sex isnt the only way he can feel close to someone anymore” SHUT THE FUCK UP IM SOBBING

this reminds me of the dehydrated intercourse with demonrry

“don’t care, relationships are about sharing’ hes so sdjfksldjfklsjf

DO IT BESTIE KICK HIS KNEECAPS IN

suing disney for false advertisement 😭

THIS SCENE IS KILLING ME LKJFKLSJFLDSJ “just pucker your lips over it” “You have actual brain damage, dont you?” DREA I LOVE YOU KSDJFLDSKJFLKSDJ

how do those bubbles taste babe

ok drea wtf i was so happy and now this??????

“everything’s wrong” NO SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS HAPPY HOURS

not the boob privileges 😭

WAIT THIS IS FROM THE BSE MV ISNT IT “dance is just so hot rn” “depressing shades are just so hot rn”

NOT HIM GETTING ALL STUTTERY WHEN HE ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS A DRAWER 🥺

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS GENTLE WITH HIM BEFORE WTFFFFFFFF IM CRYING

“youre so fucking cute, my baby” me when i see literally any picture of him

JELLO HAS a STRONGER BACKBONE THAN THIS KSFJSDKLFJDSKLFJ

“betrayed. objectified. taken advantage of. used. “ i hate him sm 😭😭

OH MY GOD IS SHE GONNA SHAVE HIS FACE THATS SO CUTE IM

SHE ISsSSSSS IM SQUEALING

stop him worrying she’ll think it's weird and wont want to do it 🥺

“bold of you to assume id ever be convicted” PLS DREA LAKFJDKSLFJ

“the more you talk, the more appealing manslaughter sounds” I CHOKED DLSKFJDSKLFJDKSJFDSKLJ

HIM WHISTLING TO GET HER ATTENTION WHY IS THAT SO CUTE

Im sorry but its really funny to me how you wrote the sentence “wrong metal, he thinks ironically” … get it ? like IRONically lkfjdslkfj im sorry i’ll show myself out

“this boy?” what a fucking cutie i want to kick him

I forgot what a bop helpless is thanks for reminding me im gonna go listen to the entire soundtrack again-

theyre so fucking cute i hate them

so yea bascally this is the best thing ive ever read and i love you so much and my face hurts from smiling :)))

[if-you-built-yourself-a-myth]

Heaven’s High - Chapter One

idea courtesy of @beaniebabyrobbe

A crazy night out with friends and a harmless little prank on a doctor come together to match soulmates.

Sander didn’t mean to get so wasted after work. He never did, really. He was more the kind of guy to go home and draw pictures of the view from his window, maybe watch some TV or something, and maybe prepare a late-night snack. There was a television program on Discovery channel, Naked and Afraid, that came on almost every night. The concept of survival in remote locations fascinated Sander. He liked to enjoy an episode or two most nights before going to bed around one.

Contradictory to his bad-boy exterior, Sander disliked parties. He wouldn’t have been in the bar at all had it not been for his friends (and coworkers, but that part wasn’t as much of a factor). Théo and Céleste both had to deal with nasty clients in the tattoo parlor that day, and had enlisted Cas as their designated driver so they could get fucked up. Cas said fuck that and called Sander. Sander, technically speaking, was not allowed to drink, so he should have been the perfect match for the needs of the group. How he ended up knocking back another shot of vodka while Théo chanted in the background, he’d never know.

He did know, however, that it felt fucking awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Théo texted Sander’s roommates, Skyler and Michaël, to join in on the fun. Céleste ordered them all another round, and another thing became clear: there was no way he’d be able to drive Théo’s beat-up station wagon back to the apartment complex where they lived. No way in hell. Too bad.

“If we’re going to have to walk home,” Cas slurred, waving around half a gin and tonic, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Do you understand that, Driesen?”

In one sense, yes, Sander understood. In another sense, he found himself obsessed with the way condensation beaded on the outside of the glass in tiny droplets. He picked one at random and rooted for it to win as it trickled downward. Shit. Lost twice.

“Do you hear me?”

Yes, in one sense, Sander heard.

“These are new shoes. Can’t be… walkin’ and shit.”

Wasn’t that the purpose of owning shoes, though? Like, they were invented so that people could walk and shit on top of nasty stuff that would hurt their feet without them. Sander didn’t think he would wear shoes at all if they weren’t necessary.

“We’re gonna walk,” he assured Cas. They both finished their drinks.

Sander gazed across the bar. Though his vision was shaky and unstable, he could tell Michaël was sitting near the door. Things weren’t the same between them anymore, a reality he knew he would have to face at some point… but not today. Michaël spotted him staring and nodded; clearly, he wasn’t as drunk as Sander. Sander liked being drunk. It made him into more of himself than he got to be when his medication was stable. It allowed him to think about things that he actively pushed away when he was sober. Like Michaël. 

Vodka recreated a picture of them underneath the strobing lights.

For every ten disjointed, garbled thoughts, he thought one thing coherently. The first coherent thought was: did I like him when I kissed him, or are all of my feelings fake? Without alcohol, the question would have killed him. With, he hardly noticed the sting.

Skyler gathered the group together with a wave of their hand. “I know another club. It’s getting boring here.”

Sander disagreed. The bar walls were full of paintings, photographs, and postcards, and the windowsills boasted a large array of antique beer bottles. There was plenty to stare at. He was coming up on the introspective stage of drinking where one calls their ex to ask what went wrong, and he didn’t want to waste it by walking to a club. The others overruled him.  

“Hell yes!” Céleste yelled. “Train or bus?”

“Better not be a fucking dive bar,” said Théo.

What was wrong with dive bars? Besides the smell, and occasionally the food poisoning, Sander thought they were pretty great. He met his ex-girlfriend at a dive bar.

Michaël threw an arm over Cas’s shoulders. “So long as there’s dancing, I’m in.”

“New shoes!” Cas said, for no reason at all.

They scrambled out the front door. Sander concentrated everything into not tripping over his own feet as the world pitched and spun around him. The trees planted on the sidewalk swirled in technicolor circles. The stars streaked across the sky and mixed into the streetlights like running watercolor paints. It would make a really good photo.

He was unsure of the exact volume he’d consumed in the bar—the best estimate was a lot—and now it fought in his stomach to come back up. Skyler remedied this problem with a tiny flask they passed to the others. Sander managed to hold himself upright for a whole five blocks.

“So we’re headed to…?” prompted Céleste.

Skyler dismissed her with a wave of their hand. “It’s not much farther. All you drunks should be fine.”

“Debatable.” Cas looked at Sander.

Sander could feel the group’s eyes redirecting to him. At least that meant one of his senses was still intact. They all knew that he wasn’t allowed to be drinking, even though they were the ones passing him shots and flasks, and perhaps they felt guilty about it for a second. He didn’t so much care.

“I’m good,” he thought he said. He would later find that what came out of his mouth was closer to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture than an actual sentence.

The last thing Sander remembered from their night out was Skyler beside him, hand on his shoulder, asking, “Doesn’t lithium make you get drunk really, really quickly?” to which Sander replied, “Yes, it does.” After that, his memory faded into pretty much nothing. That was his favorite part.

*

He was in a curtained-off room, surrounded by Cas, Céleste, Théo, Michaël, and Skyler. His body felt like someone had filled it with cement, specifically his head. Prolonged ringing overtook his right ear before dissolving into a thrum in the back of his consciousness. He blinked a couple times. The sound dampened and disappeared.

Théo stood the closest to his bed. There was blood on his hands and in his dark, curly hair, worked into the spirals like hair gel. It would be stiff to the touch. Cas, Céleste, and Michaël engaged in a game of Uno on the floor, not that Sander could see the cards. When Théo saw Sander’s eyes were open, he laughed and clapped a hand on his bed railing… when did Sander get into a bed? Why did it have rails?

“Good morning, sleeping prince! I thought they were gonna have me for manslaughter.” It wasn’t a funny thing to say, but he appeared to think it hilarious. Still drunk, most likely. “No need to worry, we did your paperwork.” Everyone else snickered.

Footsteps sounded from close by. Cas whispered, “Oh fuck, you’re just in time, here he comes…”

A man entered through the curtains (considering the context, a doctor). To Sander, it hit like a slap in the face. He had never seen anyone so striking or memorable. This scene was what he pictured before he drew portraits of people he didn’t know and the feeling he felt when he painted places he’d never seen. The emotion hit him too fast to be real, he thought. He was around sixty percent sure that Théo was covered in blood because Théo had committed his murder and the man before his eyes was God Himself. That, or whatever the fuck he drank at the bar before had given him some serious rose-colored glasses. There was no way this man could be a real person.

He wasn’t ready to see something like that so soon after waking.

“I’m sorry,” said the doctor, immediately pulling a one-eighty to leave Sander’s curtained section. “Wrong room.”

Théo snickered. “Who are you looking for?”

“I’m not allowed to give names.”

“Could it be…” Théo dragged the reveal out like a drumroll. “…Sander Driesen?”

The doctor halted five steps away and turned back. His looks mesmerized Sander. He had short brown hair, messy in a sort of endearing way, concealed almost completely by a bandana covered in teddy bears holding lollipops. He wore pink scrubs patterned with the dogs from the hit children’s show Paw Patrol. Sander had spent enough time channel-surfing to know the dominant motif was Skye, the cockapoo. The earlier thought needed amending: he was ninety percent sure he was hallucinating.

“Is this…?” The doctor walked back through the curtain. He crossed to the bed and looked down at Sander’s bleeding forehead and the fresh-blossoming bruise. “Are you Sander Driesen?”

Sander, ever the romantic, could think of only one response. “You’re gorgeous.”

The doctor blushed slightly, but he didn’t let it stop him from launching into his speech. “Hello, Mr. Driesen. I’m Dr. Robbe Ijzermans. I am the pediatrician on call tonight, here to see if your brain is doing okay.” He said it all slowly, which was alright for Sander, who didn’t understand a word of it anyway. “Although, judging by this little stunt, I have determined you might not have one. You don’t look like a six-year-old.”

Skyler burst out laughing. They stopped when Céleste shot them a pointed look.

“I suppose you didn’t do the paperwork.”

Skyler stifled their giggles again.

“So,” Robbe continued, “Can you tell me where you are?”

Sander’s mind was a blank slate. All he could process was the fact that Robbe was now coming closer to him with a penlight ready to shine into his eyes. The doctor had brown eyes. There were freckles, faint as hell but definitely there, clustered close to the bridge of his nose. Sander’s vision blurred, cut in and out. He wondered how he could even hold a picture of Robbe’s face in his mind. And a burger would taste really good right now.

“Big white room,” said Sander.

“Where is this room located?”

Sander scanned the room, the bright lights overhead, and the cute guy in pink scrubs standing in front of him. “Heaven?” He made eye contact with Robbe. “Are you an angel?”

Now the rest of Sander’s coworkers dissolved into hysterics. Cas almost fell over, grabbing an IV pole for support. When it rolled, he went down with it. If Céleste had wanted to shut them up this time, a look would not have done it. Michaël, the least inebriated of the group, gave Robbe an apologetic shrug.

“You’re in the hospital,” Robbe said. His voice remained steady, though he’d blushed even deeper red. “Do you remember what happened to you?”

“Huh?”

“I kicked you in the head,” Théo supplied from the floor beside Cas, “and then you threw up and passed out on the sidewalk.”

What the fuck?

Robbe glowered at Théo. “You kicked him in the head?”

“We were at a bar.” Théo shrugged. “He fell over while dancing and I kicked him in the head.”

Now that they mentioned it, Sander’s head retained a ghost of an image. Michaël, under strobe lights again. Head connecting to concrete. In this lens, though, it all seemed like a caricature.

Robbe put his hands to his temples as if he’d never experienced stupidity at such a magnitude before. “Then he threw up on the sidewalk?”

“Yep.”

“And he passed out?”

“Yep.”

“Is that where the blood on your head came from?”

Théo brushed his fingertips over the scarlet crust adorning his forehead. “Oh, yeah. I leaned down to check if he was breathing, y’know?”

Huh, suddenly Sander felt nauseous… no, tired, really tired… time to take a little nap…

“Mr. Driesen,” said Robbe, jarring Sander back. “Do you remember any of that?”

Sander decided to intact some subtle flirting so the angel would let him sleep. “I’m in love with you.” Nailed it.

“No, Mr. Driesen, do you remember being kicked in the head?”

“Your eyes are pretty.”

“Mr. Driesen?”

Céleste held onto Sander’s bed railings to keep herself upright. “He’s not gonna know.” She pantomimed tilting a beer back.  

“You use conditioner, don’t you?” said Sander, because it seemed like the natural direction of conversation.

“It’s not really my job to do this.” Robbe shined the light into Sander’s eyes. “Please follow the light for me with your eyes not your head.”

Sander stared him down and didn’t move an inch. “You don’t?”

“How does your tummy feel?” He was talking like he would with little children, going through the motions, Sander guessed. It was a good guess. He could be a very good guesser once the alcohol started to wear off. “Does your stomach hurt?”

Sander was too busy thinking about his guessing prowess to answer the question. The alcohol was not, in fact, wearing off.

Robbe took a step away from the bed, as if considering another test to determine the extent of injury. He thought better of it. “This isn’t my job. I’ll refer him through to the specialist. And you—” He stared daggers at Théo. “—should put the correct age on paperwork. Are we clear?”

“He acts like he’s six,” Théo offered.

“If something more pressing was wrong, mislabeling his age could lead to the hospital being under-prepared to treat the ailment.” Robbe’s eyes returned to meet Sander’s. Sander felt sparks travel through his fingertips… or maybe he was just cold. “Some symptoms mean more when in children than in adults, and you could have panicked an entire ward over a lesser problem.”

“If it was so bad,” Cas protested, “The guy at the nurses’ station would have shut us down! He let it through.”

Robbe, while maybe a little flushed, had kept everything together until that point. As soon as the words exited Cas’s mouth, he made a face like a key in his head had turned and everything had clicked. Without another word to Sander or his friends, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the hospital room.

“Jens!” Sander heard him yell. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Sander’s coworkers burst into crazed laughter for the umpteenth time that night. When they recovered though, there was a wordless agreement that it was time to head back home and leave Sander with Michaël for the remainder of the tests, since they were roommates. He was glad for it; everything in his body wanted him to lay very still for the next three hundred and fifty years. The blankets were soft. His eyelids were heavy. There was blood on his face and a gash that someone would have to wake him up later to stitch. He had earned a good night’s rest by now.

One by one, they filed past the curtains. Sander was concussed, and maybe a little drunk, and the least credible source for information on body language. That said, he could have sworn that Michaël took his hand at some point when the new doctor came in.

No need to care about that. When he drifted off, he imagined kissing Robbe under strobe lights, even though he knew the infatuation would dissipate before morning.