#why does everyone i love have to live far
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super secret special edition SSS!
husband! jing yuan x fem pronouns reader. 1.5k words
everyone lives with secrets, even you. it's about time your husband unearths the things you've been so adamant to conceal.
[crossposted on ao3]
Tingyun knows the secret of the trade as much as she knows to keep her benefactor’s secrets.
Tourists from afar, far-reaching emissaries, foreign merchants. Secrets are both poison and leverage for all, and you are aware the amicassador does not exclude even you from this unspoken adage.
“Oh? It's Lady (Name)~ This Tingyun is always pleased to do business with my lady.”
“Tingyun…” you eyeball the tapestry hanging behind her. The Exalting Sanctum is generous with its pleasant chill. No one bats an eye as you fiddle with your warm coat that almost functions as a discreet (you hope) hood.
The worry lingers either way. A secret is both a poison and a leverage, still.
“Ah! apologies,” Tingyun's words do not match her delighted clap. “My lady—Lady Benefactor has always had many things to say of the General. This Tingyun has been swept over by your admirable enthusiasm and became clumsy with her words! Please forgive her.”
Clumsy my tail!
You were never a possessive lover. Let alone an obsessive one. It simply happens that you are not the General's spouse, but his lovely, supportive, very enthusiastic spouse.
Overheard in the Seat of Divine Foresight Gardens, an old story dictates: one may call the General’s name three times. If all is in the same breath of a praise, Lady (Name) will appear behind you, hold your hand, and talk with exuberance as she sits you down in Sleepless Earl. If all is in the same breath of a meaningless insult, she will appear with a metal coated fan to cool you down.
Which, in essence, is not untrue. And by extension, Tingyun's remark is not wrong either. But still.
“In any case,” you cough into your fist. It’s a shame that your palm is empty of the gilded hand fan Jing Yuan gifted you on your last anniversary. But business calls for sacrifices. You need your hands, preferably empty. Thus, the fan sits await in your shared abode for the span of your little excursion.
“Do you have the good stuff?”
“Certainly, Lady Benefactor,” Tingyun reciprocates your whisper, “I have the special edition goods reserved only for my VIP patron...”
Walking past the meager amount of food stalls in the Exalting Sanctum, you feel grateful for the tuskpir roll and puffergoat milk you’ve secured during your trip to Aurum Alley.
Yes, Aurum Alley. Why took the trouble to meet Tingyun first? Well. You’ve already left your love's gift away from your person. You can’t possibly leave anywhere without at least one piece of your husband, can’t you?
“Hehehehe.”
A child turns his head, and his mother beckons him away from the odd stranger. With a furrowed brow, she tears her gaze as you giggle and caress the holographic, embossed picture of Jing Yuan’s side profile; taken from one of his public appearances.
The smooth surface of the print glints in the light. Golden eyes. Silver mane. Walking past Synwood Pavilion, it’s not never that your trance grants you a scratch or bruise from hanging pots and stairs unnoticed. But this time, a kind enough stranger pulls you away from the harm.
“Thank you—ouu?!!”
The sky falls, your blood runs tepid.
Not only do the stranger keep their hold on your arm, they take the momentum to pull you close and rest a palm on the slope of your waist.
“I have not seen you since this morning, and now you try to dispose of me?”
The sharp edge of the photo card in your hand stops by a breadth of the stranger's jugular. Staring back at you are a pair of familiar eyes as golden as a spring evening.
“A-Yuan?”
“My lady,” Jing Yuan words flow easily with his small laugh. He finds no struggle in grasping the hand hovering on his neck, and before you find the tact to hide the picture you posed as an instinctual weapon, he presses a tender kiss to your wrist.
…Oh.
“A- A-Yuan.” You parrot, throat scraping dry against your voice. “I thought Master Diviner Fu and Qingzu are keeping you for the day.”
Jing Yuan’s hand is still warm against your lower back. He shakes his head. “This self is not so young anymore, and this old man needs a moment’s rest, simply.”
???! Old man my foot!!!
Your eyes dart. Hiding the embossed photo card—which discreet nature is now questionable—remains tantamount. But Jing Yuan is as cunning as he is powerful. By deliberation or spontaneous display, he envelops your figure before you choose a step; warm curls tickling your jaw as he rests his head on your shoulder.
“Baobei—Jing Yuan, we’re still in public!-“
“I miss my beloved.”
Your dearest has always had a penchant for words of affection. Yet, there is a sliver of genuine fatigue in his voice, this time. Not as potent as the nights when he sought your embrace to stave away regrets and guilt of the past, but you know the shape of his ails better than anyone.
And this, for a moment, melts everything else. Sounds and colors dissolve. The world becomes nothing but him. Inconsequential; all but him.
Your lips soothe into a soft smile. Running your fingers through his pale curls, he breathes into your collarbone.
“Did you run away from the paperworks?”
“No, not this time.” His laugh tickles your neck. A sound reminiscent of Mimi’s purr. A beat, he stands straight to stare at your face before a gentle hand caresses your cheek.
“Matters have settled down early in the Seat of Divine Foresight. I rushed home to see my beloved, but fortune seems to favor my side this day.”
“Yes—well...” your tongue is heavy. Years of matrimony and you are still unable to keep up with his affections. Fortune favors your side, in fact. For this lifetime and for the next, you pray.
“I’m glad that things have settled,” you fiddle with the photo still nestled in your right hand. “I was out for a small excursion and was about to pick you up. I bought some treats as well.”
“My wife spoils me so.” You always liked the way he smiles. “Although I’d prefer my lady not get hurt and distracted in the streets, much less if I am the cause."
“What?”
Jing Yuan glances sideways, so you numbly follow his gaze.
Jumping at the realization, raw adrenaline forcibly pulls your hand behind your back, hiding the glow of the holographic photo card—special edition! Tingyun said. Though, who can deceive the Luofu Arbiter General?
You stand helpless when Jing Yuan gently reclaims your hand, slowly raising it from the shadows of your back. He hums at the glinting photo when his image is revealed for shared observation, and, to your surprise, spares no word but merely presses his lips to your knuckles.
“Fortune favors me, truly, to have such a loving beloved like you."
You make a face. Embarrassment, humor, then it all sheds to eventual amusement. You want to shake this man like a chewtoy. Turn him upside down. Rattle him.
"Since when?"
"A while."
You orchestrate a pout, "Why only tell me now?"
Jing Yuan humors you with a twinkle in his eye. "Why settle for a moment captured in time when the real one stands present before you?”
You pause.
A blink. A couple. A cycrane flies over the sky. As it departs to the horizon, so does your incredulous, airy laugh.
You made up your mind to take a strategic step backwards, putting away the photo. “Why? Are you jealous?”
“Perhaps.”
“You say that as if I didn’t notice you commissioning paintings of my image too, General”
Jing Yuan’s smile is mirthful. “So I have been caught.”
You giggle, and with or without your notice, Jing Yuan sucks in a quiet breath. An unsaid promise; another oath sworn into the silence to keep that smile safe. To ease all the tears that linger on your lashes. To soothe all the curved frowns bending your lips.
From the day he was a mere boy running late for his former teacher’s training, stumbling upon a little lady who, even then, was already brimming with a penchant for trinkets and sweets alike, to the years witnessing both of your growth, the awkward young years, the losses you both braved alone and in hand, your courtship, the day when he tied the strings of fate and bound himself to you for that day and forevermore. Even today, he had loved you. He still does, and always will.
His reverie gave you way to tiptoe and leave a ghost of a kiss to your dearest’s brow. Mimicking his frequent strategy of making a move before the adversary registers, you take his hand and lead him away from the eaved shadows of the Synwood Pavilion.
“Let’s go home, A-Yuan.”
Jing Yuan’s hand fit too perfectly, engulfing yours.
A breathless chuckle mixes with the bustle of the Exalting Sanctum; his steps pulled along with your trots. Although poor in concealment, with a series of gasps and amused murmur echoing at your wake, you pull him along to sneak through street corners and pavilions as if you are both young again. And for that moment, everything is right.
...
You’re still going to keep that holographic photo and keep it with the other stashes, though. After all, it's a super secret special edition SSS photo card!
i've been feeling lowkey anxious lately and this honk shoo mimimi man has been one of my crutches. I love him sm. legit cried at some point thinking about him zamn
#jing yuan x reader#jingyuan x reader#hsr jing yuan x reader#hsr x reader#jing yuan#err slightly ooc and nonsensical but its ok hes my wife <3
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Hii, I hope you're doing well!! This is my first time requesting so I was REALLY nervous :")) I saw some posts about Y/N accidentally calling some of the creeps their "husband", and I was wondering if you could do one with Jeff? I'm really curious of how it would be like with him and I really like him ^^
Listen. Listen. This man has been wormed into my brain for the longest time and my softness for him came out today, and this became like twice as long as I originally meant to to be, because I love him. I honestly ended up wanting it to be longer, but this took me way too long to write, so I cut it short. I hope you enjoy <3
While Jeff would never, ever admit it to anyone, he has spent hours thinking about what it would be like to be married to you. To be married to you, live with you, be able to wake up to you every single day, for everyone around the two of you to fully know you belong to each other. The unfortunate downside to that fact is that Jeff doesn't think he deserves it. He doesn't believe he deserves to be so happily married to you with all of the horrible things he's done, with all the horrible trauma he regularly has to deal with and make you put up with (despite you routinely telling him it doesn't bother you at all and you love him all the same, flaws and all). He thinks you're just far too good for him, and so the bitter, depressed part of his brain constantly tells him that'll never happen.
So, needless to say, Jeff is about to get his shit rocked mentally. The two of you were out and about, and you'd bumped into an old friend (i.e., someone important in Jeff's eyes), and introduced them to Jeff. Jeff, in his attempt to seem like a decent person under the watchful eyes of someone you have known for such a long time, does pull himself off pretty well, at least until you accidentally slip up and refer to Jeff as your husband. He feels like you've just punched him straight in the gut. He can't breathe, his heart is hammering in his chest, and he feels like he's gonna vomit, but he carries on with a passive smile, hiding all of his inner turmoil, keeping it locked inside until the two of you can get away from all of the prying eyes in this public space. The entire way home he still feels like he's gonna be sick, trying everything he can just to keep it together. The second you're through your front door he's wheeling around and pinning you to it, arms beside your head as his chest heaves, eyes slicked with a mixture of tears, confusion, and desperation. You can't tell what's wrong with him, and he can't tell why he's reacting so strongly, his mind foggy amidst his air-deprived anxiety attack. The two of you stand there, your hands comfortingly cupping his face while you coach him to breathe, to calm down.
By the time he's caught his breath, he's leaning on you, his body weighing against you as you rest against the door behind you. His arms are tight around your waist as his face nuzzles against your neck, and you're overcome with intense worry, unaware of what got him like this in the first place. "Did you mean it...?" His voice eventually trails off, and the emotion in his voice is untraceable, his trauma brain overtaking as your words replay in his mind over and over again. Your brows knit together as you try to figure out just what it is he's referring to, and he answers the question for you, saying he meant when you referred to him as your husband. He looks absolutely broken in your arms, and a lightbulb goes off in your mind as you finally realize why. You've heard it, the things he says to Liu, or BEN, his words about how he doesn't deserve you, how you deserve to marry someone better than him, soon followed by their chastising words about how that's not true, and suddenly his worrisome behavior from the last few hours that you've picked up on (because you always notice these things) suddenly makes sense.
You reassure him that of course you meant it, why wouldn't you? Jeff feels like he's being chastised once more, his cheeks puffed out in a pout as he avoids looking at you as you lecture him about how you'd love to marry him one day, and how he absolutely deserves to have you, how you're not too good for him, a lecture you should have given him long ago. He ignores the tears streaming down his face once more, ignores the thudding of his own heart in his chest, ignores the dying voice of denial in the back of his mind, but what he can't ignore is your lips slotting so perfectly against his own, or your fingers stroking along his scars in the way that always makes him fall apart. He's still not completely sure he deserves you, but goddamnit, with the way you're looking at him right now, he's sure as hell not gonna let anyone else marry you and take you away from him. Not with how tenderly you're holding him, how gently you're pressing your lips across his scorched skin, not with how lovingly you're gazing at him, as if he's the most beloved person in your life, because of course he is to you, just as you are to him. 'Husband' ends up becoming one of your favorite nicknames for him following that day, a nickname that always has his skin flushing red and his eyes softening in a way they only do for you. A nickname for now, and a title not too far into the future that he wears with pride.
#creepypasta#creepypasta headcanons#creepypasta headcanon#creepypasta x reader#jeff the killer headcanons#jeff the killer#jeff the killer headcanon#jeff the killer x reader
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so what's your overall thoughts on the movie??
General: sa2 still clears and specifically I think the sa2 lore for the ARK trio (Shadow Maria and Gerald) is a lot better, but this was pretty good (sometimes even great) for a movieverse (loose) adaptation of sa2. I did not like Gerald though, I think his crusty ass should have been left in the 70s
Specific thoughts under the cut (spoilers obviously)
My main criticisms rn is that it basically just feels like a watered down version of sa2, from most of the main story beats to the lore to the characters etc. Obviously I was not expecting them to have the same amount of depth that the games managed to give to Shadow's story from both the extra content that comes along with the games (like the manual that confirmed Maria's illness) but I feel like cutting out stuff like Maria's illness and her wish just left the story feeling neutered in some very important ways. The other big thing I didn't like was Gerald in general. Like yeah he was kinda funny the first two acts, but then he keeps the goofy schtick up while Sonic and Shadow are trauma bonding and kicking ass in space and idk. If they wanted to show him as a more evil version of Eggman maybe have him just actually be more evil for the final act. Ideally he should have behaved more menacing after dropping the "You're no Maria" line. Also the pacing was fast as hell, and apparently the film cut relatively important stuff like explanations for how Gerald was alive at 110 years old (he was licking that Shadow quill apparently) and also led to stuff like Shadow's entire arc being kinda rushed.
Aside from those though... I kind of loved it???? Big surprise coming from me I know, and I do wonder if it's just recency bias, but I think this is easily and by far the best project the films have put out. If you've seen both trailers for this film you can predict how 95% of the plot is going to go along with the character arcs, but they're still decently effective (for everyone except Gerald). The goofiness does get to be a bit much sometimes and my god I wish they would just let movie Sonic be quiet for once in a while, but towards the later half it starts getting really good. The parallels between Sonic and Shadow are well-made and impactful. Super Sonic and Super Shadow are hype. The action is fucking fantastic (if you go to these films just for spectacle you ABSOLUTELY want to see this one). And the found family stuff is the best it's ever been. If you like Wachowski sibling content, and specifically Wachowski sibling angst, you will be feasting. Tails and Knuckles fans, GO TO THIS MOVIE. I won't say why but you'll fucking love it
Depending on my mood, it's a 6/10-8/10 from me
Random thoughts
The non-game human characters are the best balanced that they've ever been
The game human characters are not well balanced at all lmao
Even if movie 4 will inevitably be less hype than movie 3, I can honestly see it maybe being the best so far which is 100% my own bias
Amy's design is cute as hell and Metal's design is awesome as hell
I'm kinda glad Jim Carrey is (presumably) gone ngl
I hope they keep the energy Sonic had in the third act and mid-credits for the rest of the franchise, even if it will obviously be less intense than when he was literally trying to kill someone
I am going to make so many fanfics where movie Sonic suffers bc I adore him so much (/negative) (/positive)
I think it would be best if the next movie was just Sonic, Amy, and Metal. I love the sibs but this being in live action, if the cast keeps getting inflated every individual member is just going to have so much less time. Maybe Sonic and Amy get kidnapped to Little Planet or something
I want them to keep her crush on Sonic but also her spunky and somewhat violent and irrational attitude. If they kept Knuckles gullibility they should also keep her flaws
Shadow and Maria's story may be infinitely more compelling in the games but them in the movies is just more entertaining idk what to tell you
They gotta give Maddie something to do. She is literally just Tom's +1 at the moment please god give her something to do
I do not feel bad about the GUN commander guy at ALLLLLLLL lmao i think he shoulda died choking on his own blood. bitchass
you still don't need to watch the knuckles show
#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#tails the fox#knuckles the echidna#shadow the hedgehog#maddie wachowski#tom wachowski#gerald robotnik#maria robotnik#eggman#amy rose#metal sonic#sonic movie 3#sonic movie 3 spoilers#prin posts#scu#sonic posting#prin asks#anon asks
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Logan shouldn't be allowed near children
I know that's a loaded title but I stand by it. There's obviously an element of Flanderisation going on but considering his stated reason for opening the Jean Grey school he is far too eager to murder children.
Why TF is he leaping at children, snarling with his claws out? Check out the frothing drool.
For example, in All-New X-Men, the O5 have just been bought to the future by Hank McCoy. He stops teaching his violence through yelling class and heads out the front, leaping at the 16 year olds with his claws out. Not Hank, who brought them there but clearly traumatised children - while screaming like a lunatic of course. Even if he's not trying to kill them, what purpose does terrifying them serve? He clearly IS trying to kill them, though. I'm sure his students would love to see their headmaster butcher confused children in front of them.
Unsurprisingly, he scares the fuck out of them. In part influenced by constant threats of his violence, the O5 steal the X-Jet and flee, explicitly doubting this guy is an X-Man. His thoughts about the 16 year old Jean Grey... No dude, this isn't the Jean you know. She's a child you've tried to kill. Fucking creep.
This one is great. Young Scott has enough going on without this frothing beast advocating for his immediate execution as punishment for his future self's actions. Out front of the school with literally everyone watching. He's using his authority to advocate for slaughtering a child. Thankfully nobody agrees with him, but this is traumatic, terrifying, and affects Scott especially so badly he runs away.
No wonder he freaks out and leaves. Obviously the headmaster of a school should drop what he's doing, not for his wellbeing but to get his bike back. How is he in charge of anyone's wellbeing or moral instruction? He demands absolute obedience while doing nothing to deserve it. It's all about how Logan feels.
Here he is trying to gut a 15 year old Wiccan for having Scarlet Witch vibes, not for the or last time. I'm a little surprised he remained an Avenger after this. When you have knives for hands everyone looks like a pincushion. Except that's not it, because everyone else is a living weapon too and they mostly manage to be somewhat rational.
Why are his claws out here? Is he trying to kill him? What did he expect after threatening and traumatizing him? Snarling and shouting like an animal - isn't he trying to emulate Chuck here?
I can't remember why he's doing this but it's not the first time he's tried to kill Hope. Didn't work then either.
A 16 year old Jean uses a telepathic projection of the Phoenix to aid Wolverine in a fight. He stupidly thinks it's real and straight up tries to kill her. The bad guys get away. Not sure how many times he has to attempt to kill the Phoenix before he understands it's not an appropriate thing to do, nor is it about him. He's more like Sabertooth than he thinks, except he thinks he's in the right and somehow never gets called out. Logan has advanced senses - how is his instinct to straight up kill her instead of investigating further?
We can do better
I think that once Logan reached a certain point of saturation he became static. The lone wolf that's the best there is at what he does, and what he does is behave so unpleasantly it's hard to believe anyone would want to be near him, let alone allow him to run a school. He says 'bub' a lot and he snikts at the drop of a hat while repeating the same interpersonal drama over and over. I see him as a frequent self insert for the worst kind of toxic masculinity yet he's more popular than ever. No judgement if you like him at all, but I think the character deserves better. Somehow he's still a misunderstood loner despite a lot of people knowing him very well - with the amount of teams and books he's in he has the most active social life in 616. It'll never happen but I'd like to see him retire, as there are several Wolverines better than he..
#x comics#Logan Behavior#wolverine#all new X-Men#cyclops#x men#comics#marvel#wiccan#jean grey#hope summers#hank mccoy#wolverine critical
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,
#(pathetic whining)#why does everyone i love have to live far#i am craving Community again. where are friends in my area who are not a 3 hour drive at least#week long drive at most#crying. wailing even#this is not my usual occasional feelings of “deer roadkill moment” but more akin to “sopping wet kitten in the rain”#philosophy sucks. the people who are actually engaged in that class are all not. self aware. like#the way they speak tells me everything i need to know. i love discussing shit like that. but the minute you start talking like#you don't work a job to be here then i'm immediately tuning u out. it's the Elitest Academic Bubble Syndrome#psych is more lecture and not a lot of discussion. and i'm cool w my coworkers but we're in such dif places in life that it makes it hard 2#connect outside that y'know#i'm hoping maybe next quarter's classes might!! surround me w some cool people ;; i'm taking my best friends' advice#i need an art class. even tho i hate traditional art classes. thinking ceramics would be cool AND maybe be filled w gay people#reader if you've made it this far. pick a god and pray for me please#i would just like. friends please c':#sap says#me: reads fics abt people my age carpooling 2 college or bonding thru retail hell#me: (head in hands)#argh. ooougherahraa. if only it were that easy :')
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not a fan of people saying Odin and Loki are similar in a moral or decisive sense, particularly when it comes to Thor. that makes it sound like Loki doesn't know Thor or care about him beyond what he symbolises (regarding Asgard/the throne/family/worthiness), when that's a defining part of their relationship
#like i get WHY people go 'oh Thor is like Frigga (they care™/bring Emotions in) and Loki is like Odin (calculating™ /For The Greater Good)'#but if you make such a clearcut comparison you neglect a lot of stuff that Odin and Loki do drastically different#like there are literal contrasts that are pretty evident around Thor particularly#like Odin does expect Thor to be some ideal version of himself that obeys Odin implicitly and doesn't have his own volatile emotions?#while Loki more sees that Thor isn't who he tries to pretend to be and generally encourages Thor to realize that#the most obvious parallel would be how they in TDW try telling Thor that Jane won't work out#and Odin goes for the whole 'well they're insignificant' angle despite Thor caring about the humans and Jane particularly#Odin tries to go 'here's Sif and since you shouldn't have your own preferences (they're wrong and bad) consider my choice'#he largely disregards Thor's emotions#most people do on Asgard????#like it's literally wild how everyone saw Thor being major depressed and they basically told him to pretend to cheer up#like im sorry Thor's grief means nothing to y;all. he fell in love with someone very mortal and his brother is changed forever#Loki tries putting Thor off by first off. Thor KNOWS Jane isn't going to live long he's not never thought about it#he doesn't even make the decision for Thor he tells him to consider his choice well bc it WILL hurt him when she's gone#Loki is like treats Thor like a person and Odin is like nah I own him#I feel like in converting the brother/father relationship difference over people lose the differences in those aspect#they skip to similarities of heartlessness and Machiavellian ends meeting the means when Loki overall is#a far more moral character than Thor (at the start of Thor's arc) and Odin. and a lot of culturally Asgardian ideas#that's literally part of Loki's original characterization that he DIDN'T match up with their views#he didn't do stuff like take killing lightly like it's for fun and that's one of a long list of obvious aspects that make the setup cool#don't tell me Odin and Loki are the same#like there's some blanket understanding that Loki doesn't show or care about the people he loves#while Thor and Frigga have always been softhearted and refused to sacrifice themselves for what is deemed better for everyone#don't mistake selfishness for apathy and don't say Loki didn't cry himself through the first movie because duty to the throne comes first#that's literally Thor's bit#idk
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where are the books and the movies where the chronically ill or terminally ill person lives? genuinely asking
(see tags. small vent)
#chronic illness#severe illness#hereditary spherocytosis#blood disorder#disability#i can't find any#and then a series i love ended with another chronically ill person dying despite there being a surgery#but they died in surgery after so much hope and love from everyone else around them and it just feels so.. personal#not naming series for potential spoilers#but i used to be terminally ill until i got my surgery#and now im still ill and im no where close to death i hope but i keep getting worse steadily. i have some hope but#why does it always have to end in death for us in media?#where are the movies for us to have hope?#not just achieving with disability but also living and succeeding with horrible illnesses that don't have good outcomes most of the time#sometimes i just feel like the flavor in someone else's story#like just the add on for someone else#where do we find hope?#why do we almost always die in every story?#i've only found one so far#and i've looked everywhere#it's just not very uplifting when so much media shows what can always potentially happen#i just want a happy ending where it's so hard to find in real life for what i fear the outcome could be#POTS syndrome#cptsd#post sepsis syndrome#sepsis#mdd#anxiety#illness#mental illness
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again
Well the short answer is no :D
#the long answer is I saw one post of someone going 'well now that I'm 28 too maybe I'll try doing the same thing the protag does here''#and nearly cried because 28 is such a ridiculously long time away except not really except it's SO#fucking long and so close to what I was gaslit into believing I would ever have that I'd be lucky to make it to my thirties for no reason#and I never wanted anything different and just wanted to live and had panic attacks when reading but I'd still believe it was inevitable#and now I am suddenly having to come to terms with so much I want from life that I had resigned myself to never having because I couldn't#but how am I meant to do that? it's just hanging over my head now and it feels so stupid and I feel so out of place everywhere#it feels like I'm too bad at being a person to be loved and too angry to even admit I want to be#and too regretful to seek it because I'm scared of trampling over people's boundaries like people have done to me#and like I did too before I grew up and thought my way through having some empathy#why do only boys show any interest in me.... why is every friend I make entirely outside the range of people who could possibly reciprocate#why is it so easy for me to brush crushes aside aren't people supposed to suffer for this stuff#does that prove it's not a romantic crush and it's just that I want to be held and wanted#it feels so wrong to want this after fighting so much just to have fulfilling platonic relationships what's wrong with me#that I still want something else what more could I want this life is so ideal as far as 12 yo me is concerned#...when did my brain start viewing any and all kinds of want or ambition as doomed efforts for me?#I have such a headache all of a sudden#I think... the way I value self preservation has gotten all the way around into being harmful maybe#at least a little#everyone I know is nowhere near the amount of control freak as I am and they just go do things they want to do#have I seen them hurt over the consequences multiple times yes. but . I'm tired of hurting over absence#''did you know wishing you had more extreme and easily verifiable trauma is in itself proof of having undergone trauma'' well yeah but like#fuck why couldn't I be traumatized by anything else that wasn't literally the profession supposed to help you with all the trauma#delete later#like for real I want to delete it rn but I also don't
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#man ..........#loneliness beam attack . i hate it here#i miss having friends ! why does everyone i love live so far away !!!!!!#i just wanna be held for a bit is that so much to ask :(#the lonely 11yo girl in me lives on forever#s.txt
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the way some ppl villainize maria whilst simultaneously extending the most grace humanly possible to tommy and and abby and joel and tess is….. odd
#no shame to them i love the whole gang#but why is maria always the one portrayed to be ignorant of how life really is#about how far people have to go#as if she didnt live through her own shit and horrors too#the whole point of tlou is that everyone has a heartbreaking fucked how are u still alive story#just bc the show writers aren’t interested in giving maria any depth rn doesnt mean shes a completely flat character#she runs a town and sometimes shes written to be dumb as fuck#as far as who her husband is or who joel or or to the reality of the world outside of jackson#she probably deals with the world outside of jackson more than anyone in jackson#she knows how it is#like im sorry#but what#this is not abt any one fic or any one author LET ME SAY THAT#i just think the fandoms general attitude towards maria at times can be nasty#since when does being pragmatic equate to being a judgy witch#rant#im standing on this with two feet#have fun in my inbox all u want just keep it cute
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controversial perhaps but ocean did not have any character development. she is the same person at the beginning as she was at the end. the entire musical is her desperately wanting to want to live. wanting to want to put herself first. what the world needs is the person she wants to be and the person she pretends to be and isn't.
#emyrs.txt#rtcm#THIS IS NOT OCEAN HATE. I LOVE HER SO DEEPLY. I SUPPORT WOMEN'S RIGHTS & WOMEN'S WRONGS.#but yes. she wants to be selfish and she wants to live more than anything EXCEPT. that she doesn't want to be the only one brought back.#one of the FIRST questions she asks is.' why cant you bring ALL of us back?' she hears. 'one of u can be brought back but u have to win a#game for it' and her response isn't. 'ok whatre the rules? how do we play?' it's. 'no that's not fair why can't you bring all of us back#why do we have to play a game for it? this isn't fair.'#and yes. she goes super hard into the. i'm the best person ever and the only logical choice. but i think it's mostly a defense mechanism#kinda thing. like. i;m gonna try my best at this game where the outcome is outside of my control (she was still operating under the#assumption that Karnak was going to be the one to choose who lived) and whatever happens happens !#but i think the moment Karnak told the choir it was supposed to be unanimous she sorta gave up. bc she knew she couldn't ever choose hersel#so in her campaigning. in her insistence to everyone that they should choose her. there were two outcomes: 1. everyone chose her yay !#there's no guilt. or 2. she doesn't get chosen and so. no guilt.#does this make any sense. i've been watching a bunch of different ride the cyclone performances and so far Tiffany's performance of Ocean#has been my favorite and the only one who i feel has done it right.#everyone else goes WAYYYYY too hard or not hard enough. tiffany i think manages to hit her just right. anyway
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i miss him
#i miss him#need himm#love him#why does he have to live so far?#he should be here#i know we call all the time and I see him every few days but please#let me live in your skin#let me bite you and feed#let me mark you so everyone knows your mine#mine
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i really relate to the character of Belle (minus the being beautiful part)
#like how every day of her life is the same and how everyone around her just does the same chores every single day#like obviously those things have to be done#Belle wouldn't get very far if there wasn't a baker for example#all the people in the village do boring but necessary things#and Belle doesn't do anything to help loool#just reads all the time to try to escape how boring everything is#so this isn't a criticism of the villagers at all they are more productive than Belle is#but what i don't get is that they don't seem fed up of their lives and the endless repetitive days and chores??????#they seem happy?????#like i used to think that surely no one WANTED to live like that but i've seen quite a few people lately who claim to be content#with the most monotonous lives ever#which is good but i always assumed everyone else had that voice inside them saying LIFE CANNOT BE THIS BORING THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO IT#THAN THIS#turns out some people don't idk what's wrong with me then lol#i love my mum but she thinks i'm strange for not wanting to live in the real world and i'm like why would you want to?????
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It’s really fun and really cool when ur mom dismisses ur anxiety and makes u feel stupid and crazy and AAUUUHHVGBHHH.
#I need to move out ASAP but I don’t have a job and my friends and partners live too far and#my mom has been doing this ever since my anxiety got worse because she just looks at me like I’m crazy and comes up with some bullshit#answer like ‘ oh everyone has anxiety “’ SURE YES BUT YOUR CHILD SUFFERS FROM IT EVERY SINGLE DAY ?#like I literally deal with this shit EVERY DAY and she KNOWS that and all she has to say about it is that everyone deals with it every day#okay but does everyone curl into a ball and cry so much that they can’t breathe and their head feels like it’s going to explode because of#a weird symptom/bodily sensation that they have probably dealt with before and been fine#does everyone dissociate on a regular basis because their anxiety is so bad that they need to dissociate to cope#does everyone get depressed from how anxious they are because it’s so debilitating and sometimes I feel like there’s no way out#no !!!!! I don’t think so!!!! so why does she act like my anxiety is fucking normal !!!!! it is not !!!#and then she wonders why I never talk to her (which i do by the way because I love her deep down even if her words are literal deep cuts#and have genuinely scarred me)#that’s the painful part is that i love my mom but I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to grasp the idea that my anxiety may be a little#a LOT worse than normal#she doesn’t think I have an anxiety disorder or autism#so she basically just thinks I’m insane#her neurotypical brain cannot even grasp the idea of her child having neurological problems#because she just wants me to be ‘ normal ‘#guess what mother you gave birth to me I inherited YOUR genes so what’s that telling me about you#I’m so tired#sorry for the long ass vent in the tags I’m suffering a GREAT fucking deal rn#vent tw#anxiety
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I SHOULD ADD A DAYCARE CENTER
#I have no room for a daycare center#unless I take out the gym#I don’t particularly like the gym tho#so maybe#I plan on making a community space for strangerville too#so maybe it would be good to add the gym there?#I’m not revamping all the worlds just the ones I like to play in#strangerville and moonwoodmill have cute little enviroment vibes#I’ll probably do some building in the horse ranch world and Copperdale also#I don’t like to play in Del sol valley because the Beverly Hills type neighborhood is SOOOO stupid to play on#why is it so big and why does everyone spawn so far away#and then the suburban neighborhood is so limiting#and the modern area is just plain boring#but I’m probably gonna mess around with it anyway#same with the spellcaster world and forgotten hollow#mostly I plan to keep my sims in strangerville and moonwoodmill tho#moonwood mill is so like nice and peaceful#and strangerville is so chaotic and lively#I love both worlds sm#not cc#twink speaks#twink builds#twinks save file
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