#why did i essentially write a rambly essay

[ongicloud]

I wanted to go on a bit of a ramble about Misa so like

I've been seeing this sentiment recently about people expressing frustration over people ignoring Misa's wrongdoings and painting her as an innocent angel who never did any wrong. And you are all correct to point out the fact that yes, she very much DID do things wrong. The sentiment that she is pure and innocent is very much factually incorrect. She DID stalk Light and coerce her into dating him. She killed people. I just wanted to throw in my two cents on her real quick.

BUT I also want to point out that I kind of see people's love for her as almost a rebellion against the early days of the fandom. As a shonen series, a lot of the content and discussions around it were being had by anime dudebros. To add on, we KNOW how bad Ohba is about writing women. How many sexist undertones there are in all of his work. He himself has admitted with no shame that he cannot write women. (Which as a professional author should make you feel shame tbh but I digress)

When I was first getting into the fandom, Misa was pretty widely disliked as a character. The people that did like her were very much sexualizing her. The sentiment was that she was a dumb blonde bimbo unworthy amongst the genius of Light and L. There was SO much bashing of her. That came from fans that weren't the typical dudebro as well. This was peak shaming girly "shallow" girls era. The not like other girls era. I think this definitely played a role in at least some fans, now that the fandom is more chill, latching onto her as she was definitely treated pretty badly and people wanted to avenge her. Or people wised up more and thought more critically about her as a character. I think over time, that protectiveness over her, along with the somewhat humorous nature of it, morphed into the "uwu she did nothing wrong" narrative.

Additionally, I kinda have some thoughts on her as a character. I am not excusing her bad actions, maybe moreso rambling about my understanding of them.

She witnessed her family being murdered. This is stated to have happened a year before the series starts, so she was like? 16? 17? Understandably a very traumatic experience. She had to see the killer being allowed to walk free, her word, her testimony, not mattering. The man who took everything from her was allowed to walk with no repercussion while she had to live with that trauma. When Kira (aka Light) killed that man, avenged her family, it is understandable that she would form this odd parasocial relationship with him. She was mentally unstable enough to start with, griefstruck and seeing Kira as the one who helped her gain some faith in the world again.

To add onto that, she was also stalked by an obsessed fan, who after being rejected, was going to kill her. She was only saved by the sacrifice of Gelus, thus gaining the death note herself.

I see her as not an innocent angel who did nothing wrong, but as a deeply damaged young woman who had no agency in the world before this. Being hurt by multiple men, living in Japanese society which we know isn't very supportive of women in general. She finally gained some power, a way to protect herself in this world. And she saw the person, who helped her at her darkest, unbeknownst to himself, as her saviour.

Yes, she was absolutely not in the right for starting to kill people, yes she was absolutely wrong for stalking Light and forcing him to date her. I just wanted to ramble about her a little bit and give my silly little thoughts on her. I love her as a character, I can see WHY she is why she is. And it is absolutely okay to dislike her for those things! It is absolutely okay to criticize her actions because they are not okay. And yes I also believe her character missed a lot of the depth some of the other characters had simply because she was written by a misogynistic author. When I say she deserves better, I mean that she deserved MUCH better writing. But also Light is NOT innocent in their relationship either. I hope we can all still agree on that.

[ifyourereadingthisblinktwice]

i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it

[merakiui]

i've been thinking about the halloween kids.... AU more or less along the lines of your poly universe: you and Rollo are university students, studying law together. you meet ernesto and gino through an advert on the internet: you're looking to live together and split the rent and ernesto has an advert that he rents out three rooms. probably the only property worthy of fellow was a big house, maybe five or six rooms, which he won by gambling and decided to rent out as essential income when he couldn't scam anyone. you and Rollo move in. today you are in your third year and he is in his fifth year when fellow finally manages to rent the other room to a third party: skully J. Graves, a young literature student. you've known rollo and fellow for over a year now, skully is the poor new kid in the dynamic 😖😖😖😖 ernesto and you make jokes about how you and rollo will be the corrupt ones in the law who will help him get out of jail or keep him out. rollo snorts, gino laughs and skully suddenly comes out with a torrent of words for a poem or a comic strip, inspired by an inside joke.

Rollo: strict study sessions at least twice from friday to sunday. he leaves you your third grade notes. it annoys him to see you on your mobile phone, watching some shitty series instead of studying. at some point he's scolding you for your carelessness and grabs his handkerchief, suddenly he shuts up. fellow! that fool confused the washes and washed his handkerchief with your clothes! now it smells like your perfume...! you tease that now he's going to masturbate with his cloth as it smells like you and rollo gets indignant. 'as if i even need that with how disgusting and impurely bitchy you can be...' you are a shameless slut in rollo's eyes at times oero, fuck, sinl be a hypocrite who loves to let his frustration die in your pussy. make out session and sloppy sex on the desk as dead time between studies, before flamme takes your phone and forces you to study.

Ernesto: oh yes, you and the young man are much more learned scholars than him and his poor brother! but, darling, haven't you been through the school of life...? knowing how to survive in this world during the bad times, taking advantage of fools, that's where Honest John beats you! sure, he could teach you to take a little more advantage of the people around you... a smart, lovable person like you should never be afraid of other people's tricks! yes, he's conned you on a couple of occasions, but he's just teaching you! oh, he's no prouder than when you reach his level of cheating... he encourages you to skip class every now and then.

- 'your friend rollo already went through everything they teach you! he'll tell you everything you need to know about today later. why don't you stay at home...?'

- 'you're a terrible influence on darling, fox.'

- 'I'm only looking out for the best for the young people under my roof!'

so you end up extorting people with him and, as a reward for your good work, with your breasts smashed against the counter of his shop, your ass up and Ernesto fucking your hole.

Skully: he still doesn't quite understand how this poly works. he has no problem getting involved with the wonderful Ernesto and Rollo! but they just cringe at the idea. he rambles on about how you're the only one who's technically in a poly if you're the only one involved with the three. He shows you the essays he writes for college. You lean over to read on his laptop and suddenly his pale face takes on colour behind you, his cick twitching hard at the sight of your ass in shorts.. As you give him head or he fingers you, he sweetly recites all the (erotic) poetry you've inspired. One day after a big exam you're in a great mood because you passed and you start praising Rollo and Fellow and Skully, rambling about how they've helped you get so far in the race. flamme looks at ernesto with a face like 'that's his thing' and he grimaces. he didn't teach you that kind of talk! I mean, he did teach you some talk, but it's convenient! praising people, gold beaks, silver tongues, being a ball... skully's in tears. you're picking up on his tricks! does that mean he can officially make love to you in front of his parents' painting to introduce you as his girlfriend?

- pomefiore 💷 anon

👁 👁 AAAA THESE ARE SUCH DELICIOUS THOUGHTS!!!! The different dynamics you have with each of them,,, orz Fellow convincing you to skip classes,,, fucking in between study breaks with Rollo, and Skully being a hopeless romantic who yearns for you in his erotic poetry and also whenever he sees you in particularly appealing positions or clothing....... it's all so scrumptious.

They're all such losers. <3 I adore them!!! OTL the way Skully is the only one willing to compromise and share while Fellow and Rollo occasionally bicker..... one day they'll all get along, and if not then at least you're there to act as a pacifying force. ^^;;; something something the wonders of good hole and friendship hehe.

[doukeshi-kun]

THE OVERCOAT — mostly yapping

i'm still sane about nikolai's ability. i'm gonna ramble here because i know nikolai better than asgr sensei himself LMAO. also, please note that i am mostly using manga panels for references because that's like the most canon. yippee i'm using the normal font.

this is not entirely a definitive theory or anything. i'm horrible in writing essay. i just want to create a conversation regarding his ability :3

first, let's establish that: he can definitely use his ability without his cloak. (why he looks big in suits omg pin me down pls)

which means he is a LIARRR RAAAAA

(technically not because it is true that his cloak is connected. it's just that he doesn't mention about the ability is not restricted only to the cloak)

now, i think his ability is either:

A. he has a pocket/personal dimension (like lucy's) but can only be accessed through clothings, not restricted to his cloak. like if you're tiny enough to fit his pocket, you might slip into his personal dimension. and i like to think that his personal dimension can be anything he wants. one day it's a big mansion with things he has stored inside scattered all over the floor. and the next day it is probably a circus tent with creepy mannequins around. who knows. i think that's cool. great fanfic source lmao

there are a few similarities between The Overcoat and Anne of Abyssal Red—they are a type of personal dimension and time flows differently than the real world.

some key differences could be that: Nikolai may or may not change the appearances of his personal dimension. The only way to enter his dimension is through clothings/fabrics. Nikolai can still access his dimension without having to teleport himself fully to there. Obviously he doesn't have a big monster waiting in his dimension. He also doesn't have fancy mechanisms like prison door or things like that. His dimension is literally just a fancy storage room.

i remember, a few people here have mentioned that time does not flow in Nikolai's pocket dimension. there are multiple evidences of this. this poll he unleashes moves on a very great speed. he also mentioned that he can dump a blast of explosion just like that.

he could be dropping the poll from a great high and as soon as the dropping poll slip into his dimension, the momentum and velocity stayed the same. he could be pulling out a safety pin of a grenade and put them into his dimension, and he can just immediately unleash an unsafe grenade right onto his opponent.

—

B. when there's an entrance, there is an exit. the core of his ability is essentially portal creation. as long as the portal is on, things are still connected (perhaps it isn't restricted to a clothing at all. perhaps he severs his own hand to make a gun appear elsewhere). when he closes one connecting portal, the matter trapped within it will get spliced too.

the most prominent example is atsushi's leg.

atsushi's leg is still connected to himself. the portal is 'connected'. and once nikolai severs it or closes it, the object trapped in that portal is also severed. if we apply this logic, it means that atsushi's bone and flesh are literally exposed openly which makes me gag a bit.

by this logic, nikolai can literally sever anything as long as you are within 30 metres. imagine he creates a 'portal' between your head and neck. he could behead people just like that. i think that will be very cool to see. i mean, he already did so in his chainsaw escape trick, which he has a gap between his body and someone else's—which you know what, i feel that the trick is pulled last minute. nikolai is likely intended to be killed off right then and there idk. wouldn't it be more logic to say that he severed his own body like how he did to his own hand? he can already sever and keep his hand connected, it's not impossible for him to do the same for his whole body.

i like to imagine that in this murder when he 'skinned' someone alive.

nikolai probably creates a portal on the victim's body, which allows him to pry open the skin from inside out. imagine you're being tied up and a pair of foreign hands or blade suddenly appear out from your own body and tear your skin apart.

not gonna lie, i feel like fukuchi's sword amenogozen can be totally be replicated by nikolai up to a certain degree. when amenogozen first made the appearance, i literally thought nikolai was helping to manipulate it. i literally thought fukuchi 'borrowed' nikolai's ability or something. nikolai can stab his knife into a fabric or something (an entrance portal) and the knife would come out from inside an organ (an exit portal). the only difference with how amenogozen works and how the overcoat works is that—nikolai just cannot travel back to the past.

i wonder if he can also sever space like akutagawa, but by portal-ing shit

also, i think his ability really doesn't need his clothing to be a medium? because in sigma's case, does nikolai just create seperate portals on sigma's body? connected to what? can he just create random portals onto any space and matter as long as it's within 30 metres? is it really 30 metres? am i tweaking

—

two things can be true at once. now that i'm properly thinking, Nikolai probably does have a pocket/personal and portal creation at the same time because then he can also keep things and link them. i think i am leaning more to that.

Nikolai is already a strong and versatile ability user (that's my man). ngl i am biased but i do think he can take on a lot of characters. his reflexes and timing is very good—as seen during his fight with atsushi and his timing to jumble sigma (mind you sigma falls from the sky in great velocity). besides, nikolai is spontaneous and chaotic—i imagine it would be hard to figure out his next moves because he can unleash literally anything from his cloak. if he can just create portals with less restriction or medium, he can divert attacks.

i can also take nikolai.

what do you guys think :D

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Who Ya Gonna Call?

This is going to be a rambling mental health dump about yesterday. Be warned.

So yesterday afternoon I watched Ghostbusters, my all time favorite movie, that I saw for the first time when I was 6 in 1984, and have seen likely hundreds of times since then, with a friend I've had for several years now who is at least as old as me, who had NEVER seen it. I fucking love watching this movie, especially with people who are seeing it for the first time. My son leaves the room when I watch it because, "Mom it's honestly weird that you know every single word of dialogue." My friend commented on that too, even watching it 'together' long distance and communicating via text. I can't help it. I love it. She asked me why I love it so much. I didn't want to write her a full length doctoral dissertation on Ghostbusters while she was actively watching it with me for her first viewing, but here will be a long essay about a couple of the reasons I love it so much today. I wrote an essay before about how I love that the Ghostbusters are good men, about how even cocky, wryly comedic, womanizing Pete Venkman (Bill Murray) reveres informed consent. I've written about how much J is like Egon Spengler. Some folks have heard me talk about how this movie connects me to A, who's my best friend who passed away last December (You want me to get REAL emotional and sappy, talk to me about Ghostbusters Afterlife. That's obviously about both the afterlife and Egon Spengler. That's like ...a lot. But that's another whole essay. I'm sure I could have just a Ghostbusters blog.)

Today I'm gonna write about 2 things though that no one really thinks about when they see Ghostbusters and one of them is HYPER specific, and it will probably only land if someone else reading this is a freakish super fan like me. But here we go.

At the very beginning of Ghostbusters, Pete Venkman is doing a 'psychological experiment' as a professor at Columbia University, where he claims to be studying, 'the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP (extra sensory perception) ability.' The comedy is that his experiment is shit because he's skewing results in favor of a pretty girl he's trying to pick up. But if you pay attention to the scene his actual results are showing that negative reinforcement improves ESP ability. The poor student getting the mild electric shock on the incorrect guesses, does get one right after 4 misses. And while I can't name the card you pull out of a deck without looking at it, or actually read minds, nor did I ever get actual electric shocks or other physical pain-type negative reinforcement growing up, the subtle negative reinforcement I did constantly get from my family except my grandparents essentially trained me to fucking figure out from whatever you can observe and feel in your space how to navigate it and make a guess at what people need or expect from you in order to avoid that. In my case...I think the negative reinforcement enhanced my 'ESP ability,' for better or worse. I've had many people in my life straight up ask me if I was psychic before. I'm not. I just have a trauma history that makes me so hyper aware of other people's feelings and needs that I can fairly accurately project and predict what they'll do and say a lot of the time. And the closer I am emotionally to that person/the more time I spend with them, the better I get at it. I like that part of Ghostbusters.

And the other piece I want to rant about is the silly commercial they make for the business that ends with the line, "We're ready to believe you," and of course, the catchphrase, "Who ya gonna call?" I'm an honest person. I don't lie. But that doesn't mean I'm always believed. My feelings and needs for attention and affection were ignored, denied, and negated often by pretty much everyone in my life except for my grandparents, A, J, my son(mostly), and some online friends. I don't trust them all the time either. It goes back to all that negative reinforcement and overused and overly relied upon ESP ability. Actually, I don't even trust myself a lot of the time, even though I'm not a dishonest person, especially if I'm thinking or feeling something good or hopeful. My default about people I love and want to trust, and even about my own feelings is, "This can't be real (implied: because it's good)." But the Ghostbusters are ready to believe me. They won't ignore, deny, or negate my experience. It's their promised business model and mission statement. And J and I woke up at 2am today and talked all morning about...life. And about how hard it is to trust and rely on other people other than each other. About how neither of us have anyone really, that we feel would be of any real help to us other than each other. All of our closest emotional connections are scattered and fragile, and all of our closest geographic connections are tenuous at best, but actually basically unreliable to the point of uselessness. We don't have anyone to call. We ARE who other people call. I'm 46 years old and a parent and a homeowner and a college graduate, but I admit I wish we could call Ghostbusters. I like that part of Ghostbusters too. They understand my negative reinforcement and they're ready to believe me and if there's something strange in my neighborhood, I can call them. That's basically my lifelong relationship fantasy. That's why I love J so much. It's why I miss A so badly. They give/gave me that for real.

That's not all of why I love Ghostbusters so much, but it's a start. Thanks for watching it with me yesterday. You don't really know how helpful and necessary it was for me to get through the day. ❤️

[chairteeth]

Greek love styles as applied to Touka and Nemu

Welcome one and all to another instance of “Nahi rambles on and on about the blorbos”! This time, brought to you by my friend @abarero (her very lovely essay on this same topic except applied to Mikoto and Hanna inspired this). For those of you unfamiliar with the Greek styles of love, not to worry, I will provide definitions for each term, and I will clarify that they don’t cover only romantic love. Given my aspec TouNemu headcanons, I’d be in trouble if they did. Anyway, remember that the person writing this is both the foremost scholar in TouNemu and also probably the biggest shipper of the two, so for the best experience you will have to read this from the perspective of “yes those two are canon”. And also from the perspective of “these two are people in their universe that existed before canon and will exist beyond canon”. Oh, and spoilers for the TouNemu part of the Arc 2 finale, but I mean, I think most people are at least vaguely familiar with what happened, given PH and all that.

First of all, I call these “love styles” because that is what my teachers and mentors called them when teaching me about them (why yes Nahi is academically and culturally qualified to speak on Grecoroman stuff, unexpected I know). You may see them talked about as just different words for love, or different concepts. These styles are recognizable in people, and sometimes you can tell someone has one of them as their primary style, sometimes you can see the secondary one, there are many variables. Most people experience each of them at some point in their lives. So, let’s begin with philia:

> Philia is the kind of love that strong friends feel toward each other. However, it doesn’t stop there. The Greek philosopher Plato thought that philia was an even greater love than eros and that the strongest loving relationships were ones where philia led to eros: a “friends become lovers” situation. Our concept of platonic love—love that isn’t based on physical attraction—comes from this Platonic philosophy. Philia is a type of love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.

Fun fact, the ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals (in reference to the historical inequality between men and women and the historical expectation for one’s friends to be the same sex and one’s romantic partner to be the opposite, needless to say this does not apply when we’re talking about two girls). I thought philia would be a nice, comfortable, easy place to start. Because sure, Touka and Nemu used to fight when they first met, but while important, that is literally not even one fifth of their relationship.

The way Touka and Nemu developed their relationship does actually involve philia, and therefore they continue to have it later in life, like the nourishing soil for their relationship. I believe this is a vitally important and extremely strong foundation they've built. I’ve said this before elsewhere, but despite my enthusiastic shipping of the pair, I wouldn't describe them as the “typical” lovers. Because yes, there’s that, but there’s also so much more to their bond than that, and this is one of the essentials. My timeline in my head for how the relationship would’ve even happened puts the earliest possible point where they could start dating(?) at around Cherry Blossom Dreams, so that's a good half of the game canon and pre-Arc 1 where it was just mounting philia for them. Bare basics! Highly important! Plus, if you go the demi route of the aspec interpretation, they kind of need to have a strong emotional bond via philia first. Or, given that they refused to call each other friends for so long, my favorite: weird undefined thing that grows and changes but we're not gonna put a label on it exactly because it doesn’t quite fit any preexisting ones/it doesn’t feel right. Or if you want to be funny, you can call them lab partners, since that is part of what they are to each other at least during Arc 2. This entire thing is also why I most often pick “partners” as their term of preference, “partner” feels like a wider scope than “girlfriend/wife” and fits them perfectly.

Now, time for storge:

> Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. It's a protective, familial love, often felt by parents toward their children and vice versa. Storge also describes the love that siblings feel towards each other, and the love felt by even more distant kin relationships, such as a grandparent for a grandchild or an uncle toward a niece. It can even be found among childhood friends that have grown up together.

Evidently, storge applies to Touka and Nemu. Between one another, yes, but I feel it especially from them towards say Iroha (and Ui, after the crush passed), towards Sakurako, or from Touka to her dad (I am not mentioning Nemu and her parents because what Nemu feels towards her parents is filial piety and desperation for love, not love). TouNemu specifically tend to feel at least a little protective of the people they love in this manner and try to look after them. Less intense than their protectiveness of each other, in part because well, other people have Others. They do not. Storge feels like it's woven into philia from their hospital days, a natural development that likely happened alongside philia in a way. Not much more to say here I think

Next up, agape:

> Agape is selfless universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. This love is unconditional, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion and an infinite empathy that you extended to everyone, whether they are family members or distant strangers. More interestingly, agape is often defined as unconditional, sacrificial love. The kind of love that is felt by a person willing to do anything for another, including sacrificing themselves, without expecting anything in return. According to the Greeks, this was the highest and most radical type of love. It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations, and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

*slams hands on table* YOU SEE. The selfless love for humanity to save strangers and whatever is there with Touka and Nemu, but not really as important as other parts of agape, they have higher priorities (this part of agape I feel is way more prevalent in Ui or Iroha). Unconditional and sometimes sacrificial love for each other, though? Loving without expectations or pressure? Most definitely! Absolutely. They even do this in lesser ways with other close loved ones. I do not think I have to point out the examples from canon, they've tried to kill themselves like five times give or take, and almost always you can trace their reasoning back to love in some way (in between all the trauma and guilt), plus some decisions about the specifics of their little self-immolation schemes are so clearly made with a sense of equality, partnership with each other. The unconditional part is something that’s very important for them to receive from each other. One of the reasons they trust each other so much is precisely how much they respect the other when it comes to boundaries, as well as the lack of expectations/conditions, which I’ve talked about before in other essays I believe.

So! The funny stalker love now!

> Mania love is a type of excessive love that leads someone into madness and obsessiveness. Although not necessarily and not universal, examples of mania could be what a jilted lover feels when they are extremely jealous of a rival, the unhealthy obsession that can result from mental illness, the kind of “love” that a stalker feels toward their victim, etc. To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their own value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers, feeling as though they desperately “need” their partners. If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. Mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.

I mean. They absolutely have it. It’s not too major for them, or at least not in the traditional sense. I don't think it's the unhealthy sort. They do display obsessive behavior at times (usually relatively minor, but I imagine it'd be worse if they weren't constantly joined at the hip, Touka was not exactly happy when Nemu got kidnapped by former Feathers in the IroYachi event), and I've argued before with screenshot evidence that both of them are possessive with both things/concepts and people. With how their relationship map has evolved, this behavior is mostly in their heads and applies to each other the most. There's a level of entitlement to the other and defensiveness they have too, and honestly, the depths their love reaches would 100% be considered madness. I mean. Must I point at the Arc 2 finale and that very fun decision of shedding their humanity and leaving their world, lives, dreams, aspirations, legacy and memories behind to live together in space? That's not normal person behavior, especially when it involves Exploding In Public as the preamble/step 1. THAT'S NOT NORMAL PERSON BEHAVIOR… Mania is usually seen as bad because the famous examples are all one-sided and on the very extreme, but I mean, what's wrong with two-sided mania? They seem fine to me. Codependent, but surprisingly functional in spite of that—I think they feel secure in their relationship at the moment. That said, if you just did a handful of very specific things, such as, say, very bad things happening to the other every time they’re apart… well, can you really tell me it wouldn’t amp up their paranoia and possessive protectiveness? Really think about it. If you pushed the right buttons, you could easily bring the mania to the surface.

Anyway, next up, my favorite that I named a fic after (yes you should read it if you haven’t already), pragma:

> Pragma is a committed, compassionate love that often grows as two partners continue to cherish and care for each other. This type of love is associated with being together for a long time and often seen in long term best friend marriages. It's an everlasting love between a couple that chooses to put equal effort into their relationship. Commitment and dedication are required to reach this level. Instead of “falling in love,” you are “standing in love” with the partner you want by your side indefinitely. Pragma is a unique sort of closely bonded love that can only grow over time and matures over the years. A love built on commitment, mutual understanding, and long-term interests, like (the easiest example) building a family. It's very meaningful and not a bond that is likely to ever break due to its foundations being so strong.

So basically intense devotion, mutual understanding, and the single most “partner” love. The “I will stand by your side no matter what” love. The kind that pays attention to the tiniest details and quietly makes adjustments as needed, the kind that Knows. Do I have to say anything? Do I really? This is TouNemu to a T. I will die on the hill that TouNemu's primary love style with each other is pragma.

I was not looking forward to this part considering the state of media literacy and reading comprehension, but here it is, eros:

> Eros is passion, lust and pleasure. Sensual, physical love. Romance is included here. Examples of eros would be the intense love felt between, well, lovers. The ancient Greeks considered eros to be dangerous and frightening, as it involves a “loss of control” through primal impulses.

I think this one is the most difficult to explain, if only because it clashes with my interpretation of the girls as being in the aspec, but if we're talking physical, I do 100% think that physical affection (and yes, sex) is/would be important for both Touka and Nemu, with the headcanon for Nemu having high libido issues being pretty much unanimously accepted among the TouNemu cult (because it does have canon basis and the ace + high libido combo is interesting to toy with). It's a lot about grounding for them, I feel. Touch is grounding for them because they've never had it and they therefore crave it, a more solid anchor than anything else, and like a sort of lifebuoy that I feel they can throw at one another if they notice The Signs, while at the same time being very gentle. As a friend of mine also recognized when discussing this in DMs, if anyone were to recognize their specific signs of their dissociation/panic, it would be the other, because they essentially developed these defense mechanisms and coping skills together. Plus, it's a multi-sensory anchor: the touch isn't just about texture, but also warmth, and the rhythm of breathing, and the subtle shifting of your partner, and their closeness, and the slight moisture of their breath. And that's just the tactile portion! It's also major with scent and sound and There Is A Lot.

Gentleness is one thing, but if you go into the kink side a little more, there's controlled aggression, the sting of a pain you can control (since it can stop with a single word or gesture/you get to be the one dishing it out for once), the other sorts of sensory craving that things like temperature play can satisfy. It's a lot about control in this case. I have so many thoughts and feelings about TouNemu's physicality- it's comforting to them both for grounding reasons and the emotional security in feeling the signs of presence and life in the one person they know they can rely on. There is a bit too much to get into right now (I could majorly elaborate on the sex and kink thing if asked), so we shall move on.

Yet another one I’m anxious about sharing for the same reasons as eros… Ludus.

> Ludus is playful, often noncommittal love. It covers things like flirting, crushes, courtship, seduction, and casual sex. Ludus is that feeling we have when we go through the early stages of falling in love with someone, e.g. the fluttering heart, flirting, teasing, and feelings of euphoria. The word means “play” or “game” in Latin, and that pretty much explains what ludus is: love as a game. When it comes to ludus, a person is not looking for a committed relationship. People who are after ludus are just looking to have fun or view sex as a prize to be won. A friends with benefits situation would be an example of a relationship built on ludus: neither partner is interested in commitment. Of course, ludus may eventually result in eros if feelings of passion or romance emerge during the relationship. After all, playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships, yet it’s one of the secrets to keeping your love alive, interesting and exciting.

Throwing the noncommittal part completely into the trash for the canon timeline analysis, Touka and Nemu’s entire relationship is based on teasing and mind games. They are the only people they act playful towards or joke with at all—they will, on rare occasions, also tease Ui, but it doesn’t feel the same with her because Ui doesn’t really play their game. Their whole thing is exactly this. And since ludus, like all the other styles, can overlap with other styles of love, you really don’t have to compromise on the girls’ philia or pragma to agree that they have a healthy degree of ludus in their relationship by nature. It’s something they treat as unique to their relationship too, which is interesting. 

They're NOT AT ALL noncommittal or “casual” about each other, however they do like to treat their relationship like a sort of “game”. Their mind games and verbal sniping are in fact courtship, I think it relates to intellectual stimulation and poking the other around. In this sense they are basically seeking enrichment, fun, while also letting their relationship be extremely intense and mostly undefined. And I would be lying if I said I haven't had many AUs where these two started out as friends with benefits or went through that phase before settling into commitment (because they're stupid and in denial and allergic to vulnerability). It's a fascinating avenue to explore with them, particularly because a relationship that you negotiate and agree on being “no strings attached” (lmao good luck you idiots) avoids things they're terrible at such as The Big Emotions, so it's also a safety net. And a way to remain “close” and develop trust without necessarily being traditionally emotionally vulnerable. Not to mention that as an established relationship, I fully believe they would have business meetings every month to discuss the state of it; feedback, any necessary grievances they want to air, working together on problem-solving, etc.

Lastly, another big one! Philautia!

> Philautia refers to how a person views themselves and how they feel about their own body and mind. So essentially, self-love/self-esteem (good) and/or hubris (bad). The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. People with high self-esteem, pride in themselves, or a positive body image practice a healthy version of philautia. Of course, philautia has a negative version, there is such a thing as excessive self-esteem/arrogance.

Let me tell you self-love is horrendous for both Touka and Nemu. Nemu is way worse at this than Touka. I don’t know what you expected me to say, but they simultaneously have huge egos and also the lowest self-esteem known to man. You can see this clearly in the ways they interact with others and the ways they objectify and dehumanize themselves respectively. I'm not sure I've talked about this at length before, but it holds true in every iteration of their characters, no matter what.

Touka is a little complicated to examine with this, with the simultaneous sense of both superiority and inferiority. She knows she sucks at socializing. She knows she’s the best in her fields. She may be young, but she’s not stupid. Assigning roles to herself and using her knowledge (hence her shoehorning sciency things in conversation) are the only ways she knows how to socialize, and as I’ve analyzed in other essays before, in Touka’s mind, all of her worth hinges on her intelligence. It’s what she’s been told her entire life: you’re so smart, that’s incredible, you’re so much more intelligent than others. The role of “genius” is what gives her a framework for how to interact with people, and Nemu threw that out of whack because she made Touka go off-script. Touka hadn’t prepared to deal with someone as smart as her. She hadn’t thought she’d have an equal. As a Magius, the way she acts is also mostly within the confines of her role, her job, what she’s expected to be like and what she’s expected to do. It’s all scripted. It’s the only way she thinks she can navigate most social interactions and communicate with People (capitalized because as I’ve said before, Touka and Nemu do not consider each other people, they consider each other a sort of part of themselves, something that cannot be handled the same way as People).

As for Nemu, boy buddy boy does this idiot self-flagellate. Not only is she introspective and the type to overthink everything and conclude she deserves nothing but the flames of Avici (her words, not mine), but she’s also painfully repressed in so many ways. I’ll go into all of this more in one of my upcoming essays that examines Nemu through a Buddhist lens (because she is Buddhist). The main point is that while Touka uses her masks and the enforcement of “roles” in order to navigate socialization, Nemu appears to be much better at it, but that’s really just an illusion. It’s because she knows how people speak. All she does is read, and she’s a writer, so there’s no way she wouldn’t. Is it genuine? Not really. She’s polite, though. In that sense she is the very example of a “proper” lady (Japan standards). Speaks nicely, can carry a conversation with perfect normalcy, etc. The only exceptions are Touka, whenever she decides someone is her enemy (such as Mikazuki when she was a Magius or Felicia in Ui’s MGS), and Sakurako who she speaks to with genuine motherly affection. It’s very. Very interesting. I am vibrating trying not to go into how this relates to her being a Buddhist because that is FOR THE OTHER ESSAY. Shh. Sh. Moving on.

Touka and Nemu are ultimately not made to be human, yet they are so very human nonetheless, and it shows in their hearts. There's an ache there. A desire to belong. But that desire feels lost and contradictory with the way they’re treated and with their other desires. And, no matter how hard they try, they can never find a home in those around them. Their sights are set too high, no other can match that, and so they feel alien and out of place with people besides one another. They both have very strong hearts, especially when they're together, and unlike say Iroha (who is all too human and thus yearns to return to a place she felt she belonged post-Arc 2), they make peace with their own departure. They never belonged anyway. Their place is not among the masses. This is why they have absolutely no qualms basically cutting ties with the mortal world for their ascension. They fully believe it's the best they can do, both for themselves and others. And while this dehumanization of the self can often either cause or be because of self-loathing, it also may not, or may grow past it. I think that's what we were seeing with the ascension, actually, it felt like chains snapping off and letting them fly, letting them finally pursue their goals unhindered, with each other as eternal support and without the constraints of human society that they’d always endured.

OKAY! That is the gist of it! Hope everyone enjoyed me going on another rant.

[genericpuff]

Hello you often use the word “retcon” and I’m not sure what it means. I looked it up and I’m still super confused. Could you please explain?

A "retcon" is an attempt to change a plot point that has already been established, typically as an overcorrection to a past plot point that a writer may be wanting to change. Retcons are usually seen as cheap ways to erase, deny, or "fix" the canon you've already established, instead of working with the canon you've set up for yourself. They can happen a lot in works that weren't planned well enough ahead of time, such as LO. It's essentially the writing version of gaslighting LMAO

Think of it this way. You're watching a movie where a character's family member has died, killed by a random gunman committing a robbery. The main character grieves the loss of this family member, but eventually learns to move forward with their life and live with the values and morals passed down to him by them, carrying on the legacy that that family member left behind. Two movies later, it's suddenly revealed that that family member wasn't killed intentionally by a robber, but accidentally by another gunman who was teamed up with the original robber (but never shown in the first movie). That new gunman is one of the 'bad guys' in this third movie.

What I've just described to you is the retconning of Uncle Ben's death in the original Raimi Spiderman trilogy LMAO originally Uncle Ben died in a random but tragic shooting that was framed as an intentional murder for getting in the way of a carjacker, but later on in Spiderman 3, they suddenly change what 'really' happened into Flint Marco (Sandman) shooting Ben accidentally after asking him for his car. It doesn't really add anything to the plot at all - even Peter lampshades this (calls it out) slightly when he asks why the police department is just now finding this out and telling them when it's been years - and it's clearly being used just as an easy plot device in Flint Marco's backstory and Peter's symbiote plotline. Rather than write a new backstory for a new villain, they changed what information they had already established to 'fit' an easy backstory for a new villain. Ironically, had producers not interfered with Raimi's original vision for the film, it would have worked a LOT better to just stick with what they had already been building up to for the past two films, making Harry the new Goblin and the central focus (but instead he plays third fiddle to the Sandman and the symbiote, both of whom were random villains with zero foundation in an otherwise well-structured trilogy.)

Anyways, rambling about Spiderman aside, that's essentially what a retcon is! It's typically in the form of introducing new information that erases or 're-explains' old information that didn't necessarily need to be corrected or otherwise should have just been stuck with for the sake of continuity. In LO's case, there's clearly so little planning on the story's trajectory that it basically retcons information every other week.

In this case, as I'm assuming you're referring to my recent essay post about the SA retcon, it feels like they're trying to subtly retcon the story away from the SA plot, by giving us a sob story from Apollo's POV and by claiming that Persephone found Apollo 'handsome' (she didn't) and that she felt 'special' around him (she did not). They're revisiting a past scene with descriptions that are completely false and inconsistent with the original scene, hence, a retcon.

Hope that answers your question! :)

[jonkentdeservesbetter]

I wrote a comment in r/SupermanAndLois awhile ago, where I mentioned how I’d one day get around to writing out an analysis on Jon’s character and his relationships. I have reposted that on my blog, but it’s largely irrelevant, except to say that I intended to.

The thing is, my original plan was to rewatch the previous two seasons, while taking some thorough notes on Jon’s personality and his relationships, and how those connections tie into his reactions and reflect his personality.

This never happened - despite starting my essay last year - because every time I tried going through a rewatch, I…got too upset.

It was one thing watching the first seasons, hoping for the last few episodes of season 2 - in the break after the ep. with the Barn Scene, wherein it seemed things were at last going to be addressed for Jon and begin to change for the better - to be what we hoped, in comparison with rewatching after…S2.

To sum it up: I couldn’t get through them.

Still, I did get somewhere with my analysis, and I’d like to hear any thoughts others may have in response. It’s really very little, when not posting my messy, unedited ramblings, but essentially: do you know Enneagram types? I’m actually not that familiar with it, aside from knowing things about my own. But when I was considering what and how to write the essay I’d mapped out, I thought a look at other personality analyses could be useful for kickstarting the process. So I went to the website. I remembered thinking of the profile and analysis on my type, how I’d been shocked at how accurate it all felt; which is why it’s what came to mind. I didn’t expect to actually find a type that fit Jon, but well.

Jon seems like a 3w2, in my opinion, and Jordan an 8, although I didn’t dive deep enough into the latter’s to determine wing.

Here’s the link to the Type Three profile. I’m not going to say I think every single line is spot-on for him, but I think it’s useful, still. Note: TW for ableist language in some parts.

Also: consider that some of the ‘unhealthy’ levels explained actually match Bizzaro!Jon.

There’s a lot to read and agree or disagree with, depending on how you, personally, interpret Jon’s characterization. For me, I found these excerpts quite striking:

[…] since these professions have status in their community and in the eyes of the family. No matter how success is defined, Threes will try to become somebody noteworthy in their family and their community. They will not be a “nobody.”

To this end, Threes learn to perform in ways that will garner them praise and positive attention. As children, they learned to recognize the activities that were valued by their parents or peers, and put their energies into excelling in those activities. Threes also learned how to cultivate and develop whatever about them is attractive or potentially impressive.

[…] Thus, the deeper problem is that their search for a way to be of value increasingly takes them further away from their own Essential Self with its core of real value. From their earliest years, as Threes become dependent on receiving attention from others and in pursuing the values that others reward, they gradually lose touch with themselves. Step by step, their own inner core, their “heart’s desire,” is left behind until they no longer recognize it.

Thus, while they are the primary type in the Feeling Center, Threes, interestingly, are not known as “feeling” people; rather, they are people of action and achievement. It is as if they “put their feelings in a box” so that they can get ahead with what they want to achieve. Threes have come to believe that emotions get in the way of their performance, so they substitute thinking and practical action for feelings.

Seriously, there’s a lot of Jon on that page.

[pensando-thoughts]

Saw the fnaf movie and I want to have a talk cause I have all these thoughts about it and I haven’t felt this way since stranger things season 4 lol.

I’m just confused (?) cause like there was a lot of different pieces of the lore in just one movie. So like before I go into breaking down my thoughts I want to say what my expectations are before I saw this movie so there’s some understanding. I thought this movie was gonna give a cohesive big picture type story on the lore. I thought that since there was a rumor it was gonna be 5 movies, I was under the impression that this movie gonna lay the lore out. I was really hoping for a cohesive story.

So now the movie I liked parts of the movie I liked the fact that attention to detail on the lore and the fans were in mind. What I don’t like is the storyline they decided to do, just to simplify my feelings for people who haven’t seen the movie I ultimately thought that they put bits and pieces of the lore in the movie i don’t wanna say for no reason but it did make me go hmmm what just happened. I don’t think the story was…good?. The costume and filming, and actors did a good job! I really wanna emphasize that lol. Thank you to @raminbootss on tik Tok for posting a slid show of the lore for the games.

‼️Spoilers after this/ I essentially write an essay and ramble please read at your own discretion. ‼️

So I’m assuming people who’ve seen the movie are reading this, but I’m going to briefly write down the movies lore.

Mike and Abby are siblings, there was a third sibling called Garret

Garret is kidnapped from the woods by William Afton

Mike has ptsd because he was there’s at the kidnapping but can’t remember the kidnapper’s face (guilt)

Mike induces dreams to revisit the memory to force himself to remember the kidnapper’s face

Vanessa comes in is a cop and later is established as Aftons daughter

Afton kidnapped Garret and other children Vanessa helps Afton cover it up

It’s a stupid simplification, but this is just so it’s understandable. I’m gonna essentially attack this one by one. To me it doesn’t make sense why Garret was kidnapped in the woods by Afton specifically. I feel like it’s so random/unnecessary to have it in the woods because it’s outside of Aftons mo in the established lore. If the story is to have Mike have zero familiar ties to Afton I think a better route to just have Garret be kidnapped so that way Mike is projecting on to the ghost children as a way to have redemption for not saving Garret. The movie sets it up this way in the first half where it felt like there was gonna be this big reveal with maybe Mike having some sort of connection to the kidnapper. However Vanessa throws that all off with being Afton’s daughter. Like Fanf 4 they use the concepts of dreams and memories cool nothing wrong with that I think that it was a good way for the ghost children to communicate with mike. My biggest grief I think is that Afton is controlling the ghost children. I think it would’ve been so much better to have the children ask Mike for help to find peace. This also would’ve been a better way for Mike’s character to deal with his grief of losing his brother cause now he can move on.

Moving on to Vanessa, I think that the introduction to Vanessa is done too early. Vanessa’s character in this movie is a caretaker to the animatronics because she feels guilty that her dad killed these kids. Which is fine I don’t mind this being a thing since it’s up to debate on security breach being cannon or not. I just think that the setup of Vanessa is done poorly maybe it’s the fact she was a cop where she honestly had no business being at Freddy’s instead of doing her job before the reveal of her being Afton’s daughter. They could’ve made her the morning shift security guard I think that would’ve made better sense cause now she can have a way to talk to Mike. She’s just is suspicious off the bat when she’s a cop, and can’t establish trust with Mike. I think they’re was a better way for her to have a redemption because Mike and her share a similarity, the both share guilt of not doing something to help these kids that died.

Let’s get into Afton so the set up for him is actually great because if I remember correctly during the beginning of the game’s release a theory did float around that maybe phone guy is the killer so he had a great set up I just don’t understand why the reveal of him being Afton is done so early. On one side I understand the fact that everybody knew that Matthew lillard was already gonna be Afton from the moment the trailer is revealed. It’s hard to make that twist be entertaining when the audience knows what you are going to do. On the other hand I don’t think Afton was utilized properly. So many different routes could’ve been taken. Also why did Afton kidnap Garret in the woods??? Anton’s m.o is he kidnaps children from the pizzeria in the bunny suit which they kept in the movie for the five children why kidnap Garret? He wasn’t even stuffed in a suit. In my opinion the movies opening scene should’ve been taken place in Freddy’s. This is blumhouse they’ve done horror they’re could’ve been a really strong suspense scene of watching this kid get kidnapped or seeing this kid get in the suit literally anything and really playing off the audience’s anxiety. If you do it this way you can still have Mike relive this memory. Anyways it’s revealed at the end of this movie that Afton is controlling the ghost children with a drawing so that they do as they’re told. Which like sure okay? I understand that they wanted to put drawings to be involved but I don’t know if I buy it. They also just kill Afton how he’s established to be killed in a spring lock suit how are you gonna set up a sequel that way? There is no build up or like finally you get what you deserve. The bad guy we watch died and sure he says I will come back but like…idk I think ultimately it doesn’t make me want to see a sequel because they’re was no cliffhanger or suspense. The vibe is just off. Matthew did such a good job though that phone scene really hyped up everything.

I tried talking about this to my sister but she said that they wanted to open this up to newer audiences. I think that’s lame because when the first game got released the hype about it was the mystery what is the bite of ‘87 who killed these kids, THE LORE. This movie doesn’t do that it answers all the questions in the first movie into a pretty little bow of oh Afton did it and now the ghost children kill him the end. The video-game went viral proving itself that the story set up will bring in a new audience that mikes background had to be changed. I feel like Mike is the catalyst for Afton to be caught so for it to be changed is a really huh moment for me.

[scorndotexe]

i hate you bullet points i hate you being concise i hate you summarizing deep connections to art i hate you slideshows i hate you

[sovereignzofdarkness]

the urge to write an essay on the cookies of darkness becomes stronger and stronger each day.

[alostchord]

The Joy of Recognition in Media

Honestly, I have no idea how to start this because I have so many thoughts, but here we go. Forgive me if this sounds like an unorganized mess, but here's an essay on finally getting that feeling of being seen in media.

Warning! Spoilers for the podcast 'The Two Princes' below!

Yesterday, I finally finished the third season of the podcast 'The Two Princes.' It was unbelievable. And do you know what happened when I got to the end, do you know what happened?

I cried. Hard.

As a matter of fact, it's been 24 hours since I finished it. And I still cry when I think hard about the podcast.

I didn't cry because it was over, even though I was sad over that. I didn't cry because the music and songs were so emotional, which they were (though that may have played a part in it). And I didn't cry because the ending was so emotional. It was, but it was also a very happy ending.

No, I cried because, at the age of 18, in the year 2021, I finally felt seen by a piece of media for the very first time.

Not only did I see myself for the first time, I saw myself as I've always dreamed to be represented. I saw the representation that I dreamed of.

Those of y'all who have felt that feeling will know what I mean. For those of you who haven't, let me tell you: it's the best feeling ever.

Now, I'm not writing this essay just because I, a white cisgender queer man, saw myself represented for the first time in media. I'm not that self-obsessed. I promise, I have a bigger point, but please just let me ramble on about this for a moment.

You see, the two princes is, essentially, a cheesy fairytale gay romance. There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the basics. Also, In the third season, it turns into a musical. And, at the end of season three, the two male main characters finally get married and are implied to live a long and happy life together. Now, I know that doesn't sound appealing to everyone, but for me, that's everything I've ever wanted to see.

So when I listened to the final episode, I saw:

A man who I heavily related to;

Who was the same age as me;

Who was exteremely nervous but also saw the good in everyone;

And who was deeply in love with another man;

Finally get married to another man who was deeply in love with him

And there's a million other reasons why I felt so seen. But the point was, I finally felt seen. I saw someone who was like me, an anxious mlm, being allowed to have a happy ending. And on top of all that, I realised that someone had finally told the story that I have always wanted to hear. A story about happy queer people, about queer people in love, about queer people singing (SINGING!!) about how much in love they were, and about queer people having a happy ending.

Someone finally told the story that I wanted to hear, that I didn't even KNOW I needed to hear. And I heard it.

Before this, I've never seen a (mostly) light-hearted story where two men have a happy ending together. And I saw it. And I cried, and I wept. I wept the happiest tears that I have ever wept in my life.

Finally, I saw someone like me have a happy ending. And I cried, with the sudden realisation that I too, not only could have that happy ending, but was deserving of that happy ending.

If I could, I would list every person who made this moment possible to me and thank them for it. But I'm fairly certain that if I did that, I'd crash tumblr and ruin my own phone. But I want to thank every single person that lead to this moment.

Thank you, to every person who fought for these stories to be heard. Thank you to every person who fought for queer people to be recognized in media. Thank you to every person who fought for queer rights in general. And thank you to those who made this podcast. And thank you to so many more who lead to this being possible. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.

(I'm about to get to my point, I promise.)

Now, one thing about me is that I'm a bit of a writer, as well as a bit of a composer. It's always been a dream of mine to write something for the stage, be it a play, musical, or even an opera. But this experience has made me realise that, as a storyteller, I have been given a gift. Actually, no, almost EVERY storyteller has been given the same gift:

To let someone else experience this moment of being seen by a story.

(Thus, we finally get to my point)

Whether it's a play, a movie, a podcast, a book, or even a comic, all of us storytellers have the ability to help someone feel seen in our stories.

And it's not a need or our duty, but it's a gift we have been given. To give this joy of recognition to someone else.

When I finally finish one of my works (stars be willing), if even one person sees it and feels that same level of recognition in it, that feeling of being seen, then my goal will be completed.

As storytellers, this is our gift. Not only can we write the stories we want to tell, (which of course, is the main goal) but we can give other people the same experience as I had listening to The Two Princes last night. And isn't that the ultimate gift to have? The ability to give someone else the greatest feeling in the world?

I know, I should have known before that we had this gift. And I did. But it's so different, having felt that feeling, and having it click that I can help others feel the same.

In conclusion, this is yet another reason why we should tell more diverse stories. Not just to help normalize this stuff, and all the other millions of reasons, but so that someone else can finally rest easy, knowing that someone else sees them and acknowledges them.

Also, if you've read this far, thank you so much. If you wouldn't mind, let me know when the first time you felt this feeling was and what it was that made you feel seen. And if you haven't felt this before, I want you to know that I see you, and I hope nothing less than for you feel this feeling someday soon.

Also, if you have the time, please listen to 'The Two Princes' if you can. It's so good, and it's not that long of a podcast!

Thank you for reading!

Have an excellent day/night/week/month/year/whatever!

-Bryan

[kinnspocketporsche]

Okay so I've been wondering about a couple things since pretty much VegasPete became romantic and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. They're related but I'm going to break them up into two because they're not identical and this is already going to be long lol.

Thing one: do you think (also past but particularly as of ep 14) VegasPete are in a codependent relationship? It seems pretty clear to me (as someone who has been in a codependent relationship formed via trauma bonding yay!), but there are also a couple moments that could be interpreted to not be codependency. One example is Vegas telling Pete he's alright with him leaving in ep 14. I personally think there's a double-meaning there: Vegas is both saying I'm not going to be that person who imprisoned you, it's up to you to make the choice if you want to stay, but also giving him an out by saying I'll survive if you leave now [but if you don't, I will give you my whole heart and if you leave later, I won't survive that]. It's kinda hard to tell, even as someone who has so much trauma myself (part of the reason I have anon on 🤡), what is codependency and what is a trauma response seeing as the two are so interlinked and sometimes indistinguishable.

Also that moment with them in the alley in ep 13... I feel like I don't even need to explain it much. Like Pete was broken both from what Vegas did to him (aka torture) and what Vegas did to him (😏) (Pete: oh shit it's feelings) but still needed Vegas with him. I know their relationship changed a fuckton in 14, but that seems hella codependent to me.

Does this mean they moved out of (or are starting to) whatever toxic thing they had previously (like I'm sorry but "(2 days ago) previously tortured bodyguard and his torturer fall for each other" does not sound like a healthy relationship no matter what anyone says) into another different kind of toxic relationship?

After practically writing a whole freaking scatterbrained essay, my essential question is: based off of your interpretation of the series (and whatever the hell those paragraphs I wrote were trying to explain my thought process), do you think they're codependent and how could that play out further on in the storyline?

~MA (just so you know it's the same person with my next question(s) lol)

First off: I love this ask, I love the critical thinking skills, thank you for sending it to me! Second, while I did study Psychology and am now in the field of Social Work, I do not specialize in intimate relationships. My population is children and my specialization is childhood trauma, so I have some familiarity with these concepts via schooling, research, and some of what I've seen in families - but I have never been a relationship counselor. I'll take a stab at it, but if anyone who knows better wants to correct me, please do so!

Trigger warning for discussions of trauma, abuse, and self-harm. Also, this is a long post that falls somewhere between character analysis and informative ramblings, so if that's not your thing, feel free to skip it!

I also got a strong sense of relationship imbalance and manipulation from them in their earlier episodes. I'm going to avoid using the term codependency, because my understanding is that it's outdated with little to no basis in science. Along with that, I think understanding why it's not the best term here might be helpful in understanding the core of the issue you're describing very articulately.

(Note: I have zero issue with you or anyone else using it to describe things you've personally experienced. If it's what feels most accurate to you, I absolutely don't want to take that away. Labels are tools to be used to the extent that they help us process things. From a clinical perspective, I just try to be as accurate to our current scientific understanding as I can.)

"It's kinda hard to tell... what is codependency and what is a trauma response seeing as the two are so interlinked and sometimes indistinguishable."

This, actually, is the root of it. The DSM doesn't include diagnoses for relationships, because relationship mismanagement is believed to stem from individual distress/disorders. More than that, we need to differentiate the individuals involved to determine their individual conflicts. It's possible that both are struggling with a disorder, but it's also possible that one is responding in a normal way and is struggling due to the effects of the other individual's disorder.

For example, say a friend of mine tells me he's going to self-harm and that he has no one else but me to help him. My instinct is to drop everything to help! Maybe I skip work, or maybe I am up all night with him instead of sleeping. Say this cycle repeats and my friend refuses to - or is unable to - get help from a professional. I am now caught between risking my friend's wellbeing and my own, so I may continue to "accommodate" this behavior of his while doing damage to my own life. In this scenario, my response can actually be considered a normal one, even if it is detrimental. Cutting off our relationship won't solve whatever disorder my friend is struggling with - my skipping work and not sleeping stems from him and the fact that, as a friend, I feel a responsibility to him. It's good to feel some responsibility to your friends! It's just not helpful here because of the root of the issue. In reality, me cutting off our relationship could mandate that my friend get help elsewhere, but it could also have disastrous consequences for both my friend and myself. The solution, either way, is my friend getting the help he needs from someone who can provide that for him, and it isn't my fault as someone who's trying to support him that he's not getting that. However, I also may look at that relationship and say I need to end it for my own wellbeing because my friend's disorder is hurting me, and that's also a normal response.

So: did VegasPete start off as an unhealthy relationship? Absolutely. Was it unhealthy because of codependency? Ehhhh, kinda. I lean more towards it being a problem of Vegas not having any perception of what a healthy relationship should look like. Vegas's father treats him like a pet, so he treats Pete like a pet. I'm almost tempted to diagnose all of these fools at this point. And I know Pete wanted to be with Vegas, but the fact that he left tells me he didn't need it. Yes he was sad after he left - anyone would be after leaving someone they care about. Especially when that person used manipulative language like "I need you" right before he left. And honestly that line is a red flag for manipulation, whether intentional or not, so it was a good move on Pete's part to leave.

What was so interesting to me about VegasPete was how extremely aware Pete is of his position. He wants to help Vegas, but he can only do so much. He knows that. He looks at Vegas and says "it's your choice" or something similar to it so many times I've lost count. He's right - whether or not Vegas heals is on him, and, unless therapists start infiltrating our beloved mafia world, it's on Vegas alone. Pete has done as much as he can by getting Vegas to realize there is a problem and even getting him to the point of thinking about fixing it.

Pete is so very aware that he doesn't deserve the way Vegas treats him, but he's also aware that it's still hurting him (Pete) and not helping Vegas.

There's a model that's used in the mental health world that is often used with clients who have substance use disorders, but applies to anyone with any problem, called Stages of Change. It's exactly what it sounds like - people will not change unless they are internally ready to do so. I like to look at VegasPete through this lens. In episode 11, Vegas has 2 related problems to fix: his position as his father's victim and his position as Pete's abuser. Pete's problem is that he's not being seen as human by Vegas, but still wants to stay with him.

Pre-contemplation: This is Vegas for most of the show. He doesn't realize he has a problem with his father that needs to be fixed. Pete's refusal to be treated as a pet and his refusal to fight gets Vegas thinking for the first time that his relationship with his father is not entirely his own fault, which allows him to start thinking about changing.

Contemplation: I like to think that Vegas "letting" Pete escape only to taser him is part of this stage for Vegas with their relationship. The thought of letting Pete go has crossed his mind, but he's not ready to act on it in any significant way yet. The discussion about Pete's father jolts Vegas out of this stage.

I also think we see Pete in the contemplation stage when they're laying in bed at the very beginning of episode 13. Vegas says "Do you know how sexy you are?" and they have this whole conversation where Pete is just quiet, keeping his thoughts to himself, brain whirring.

Preparation: An individual starts experimenting with small changes. This is the next part of episode 13 - Vegas preparing the food for Pete, Vegas standing up to his father. Vegas agreeing to let Pete out of the handcuffs - on the condition that Pete stay with him.

And Pete is getting there at the same time, when he's talking to himself saying "I didn't want it" and pushing Vegas once after the food incident, realizing he needs to go but wanting to make sure it's necessary.

Vegas is still here in the alley scene, he's saying he's sorry and doing things against his father's orders, but he still wants Pete to be with him. He still pressures him into admitting that he can't kill Vegas. He's still being manipulative. We start to see him move into the next stage when he leaves Pete willingly.

Action: Pete gets here before Vegas does. He punches him in the face and leaves. Yay Pete! He has a bit of an advantage here because he, unlike Vegas, knew what he needed to do for himself from the start.

Vegas gets here when he stops seeking Pete out, and when he stops making it Pete's responsibility to save him. He's self-destructive as hell in episode 14, but it's not at Pete's expense. He's not trying to guilt Pete into staying. I am choosing to take him at face value when he says "If you run now, I'm alright with that." I really hope that means that he'll find other ways to be okay if Pete leaves, even in the future. I don't think he wants to make promises he's not sure he'll be able to keep, so I read this as noncommittal rather than something manipulative like "if you stay I won't let you go." My instinct with Vegas from his past interactions with Pete is that if he'd meant it to be that, he would've said it more clearly. Pete tends to speak in double meanings - Vegas has been very direct. I trust Pete's instincts, too, because he's been so self-aware this whole time. But it's honestly impossible to tell for sure until we see follow through.

Additional note: I also think we see Vegas reach the action stage with his father in episode 14. He would've killed Kinn if he was blindly following his father's orders. He wouldn't have warned Porsche about the upcoming battle. Y'all realize that if Porsche hadn't been there, Gun/Kan wouldn't have died? Vegas was (unintentionally) partially responsible for his father's death. Anyway, we don't really get resolution on this one for obvious reasons, and I will admit we have some mixed signals with Kan/Gun sending Vegas off before the fight, so I might be more hopeful about this than I should be.

Maintenance: We saw this when Pete didn't go after Vegas in the alley. He'd already taken action, and was standing his ground. He hasn't gone back on it, because he only went to Vegas when his problem of being treated as less-than-human was resolved (Vegas telling him he loves him and then leaving).

This is where we're at the end of season 1, too. This is what we need a season 2 for. I don't personally feel like these two are in a position of absolute stability like some people believe because yeah, it takes time - you mentioned that this all happened very fast for them and I agree. What's more important to me and what makes it interesting is that they made it to this place of maintenance very quickly and painfully. They're both clearly willing to work for this. Whether or not they can bear the struggles moving forward remains to be seen, but they're pretty tough so I think they'll be alright.

I'm sorry this is so long and I hope I was able to answer your question here! If not, or if you have any follow-up questions, definitely let me know! This was a lot of fun to think through and I'll be posting a response to your second part soon! <3

Edit: Part 2 is now up!

[thevalleyisjolly]

Norman is not just an unpleasant dude from episode one he’s shown to be an emotional abuser, a man who takes advantage of his power to demean his workers, and no reason to think he’s a good person. Since then he’s only gotten worse. I’m worried we’re getting too caught up in perfect representation and perfect response. I don’t think anybody really needs to prove why they didn’t like Norman in the first place. Zac essentially went “here’s the worst character ever so you don’t have to worry about the brain slug I’m about to introduce” and the audience responded accordingly. I think a way bigger issue is people babying Norman as a character and letting him get away with all his shit. Which has been a problem that you are NOT helping with this think piece. Just because the character is a character of color doesn’t mean they can’t be a villain especially if a man of color decided so before airing him. I feel like if you have to put that many disclaimers you’re deciding to see and ignore the problems with your point. Or it seems like you put them in so you can be like NO SEE I SAID NORMAN IS UNPLEASANT AND I DONT AGREE WITH HIM. You bring up some good points but largely overshadow them with points that are directly contradicting them. Next time you write an essay start with a thesis other than “People we’re too mean to a deliberately created to be hated character”. You’re so caught up in having nuance you missed the actual nuance and ended up not really having or really defining a point.

Ok, let's talk through this, anon.  You bring up some things that I admit were not made very clear in the original post (which I also admit was fairly dense and sometimes rambling), so let’s work through them together now.

The original post has gone through a lot of iterations, so there are some lines of thinking which I didn't make clear, but which informed the ideas there. One of those lines, which ultimately did not come through as strongly in the final draft, is that people of colour should absolutely be allowed to play villains and unpleasant people without having to worry about being "perfect representation" for their communities.

I'll expand on that here because I freely admit that it did not come through in the published version of the post. One of the complicated things about East Asian presence in media versus representation which is an ongoing conversation in the community is the challenge of "perfect representation." Bearing in mind what the original post was talking about, that production companies and fans alike tend to flatten and ignore even the most complex characters, has led to a creative culture where creators feel obligated to create idealized characters that have no serious flaws, because if you give even the tiniest excuse for people to tear them down, they will.

Naturally, this leads to frustration, because it places East Asian characters and creators on an impossible pedestal of perfection, constantly trying to live up to impossible standards. East Asian creators should be able to create or portray East Asian characters that aren't perfect, that may be morally grey heroes or dubious characters or villains!

That's part of what I think you're getting at, and you're absolutely right that characters of colour can and should be villains. Furthermore, as fans, we should be able to interact with these characters in a way that doesn't simplify or erase their villainy - these are bad people! Let them be bad people!

But the point I think you're missing from my post is that it's not just about whether or not Zac created a villain and whether or not he should be allowed to play a villain, it's about the way we talk about Norman's villainy, how that compares to the way we talk about other characters and other villains, and how this fits into a pattern that we've seen before in the fandom where, regardless of whether they are villainous or not, East Asian characters are measured against standards that do not get applied to white characters.

Now to address the other aspect of your ask, the reason why I put so many "disclaimers" is because the original post is situated in an ongoing discourse, where as with discourse in any fandom, anything which is not inherently critical of a character is read as supporting or defending them, even "babying them." I think you and I may be seeing very different sides of the discussion, because what I have personally seen has largely been what I discussed in the post - people arguing that what happened to Norman was justified because of his villainous actions/characters. You may have seen more of the other side, people passionately defending Norman, and that just means that we move in different circles in the fandom.

But for my part, that is where the disclaimers come from, since I wanted to make it clear the point of the original post as well as this post was not to "baby" Norman or to accuse people of being "too mean" to him, the point was to examine more carefully the way we have conversations about him, because those are often informed by unconscious racial biases that we are not aware of.

Furthermore, while I appreciate your own disclaimers about how I might have good points but overshadow them with contradictions, it is hard not to read a sense of accusation and hostility in your overall message. If that wasn't your intent, fair enough. We may not be interpreting each other's points the same way, and that's just how these things go sometimes.

To clarify my position once again so that there is no ambiguity: the point of the original post was never that people are being too mean to a character created to be a villain, the point was that we should be more mindful about the way we discuss the character and his villainy, particularly given his racialized identity. We can have conversations about Norman being selfish and an emotional abuser and a boot-licking accomplice, we can definitely have conversations about what punishment or justice or redemption might look like for him. But as fits the science fiction genre, it's not about whether our conclusions are "right" or "good," it's about how we each arrived at the conclusions we did, and being more aware of the factors and values (conscious or not) that informed our judgments and critiques.

As a final point - this is an ongoing discussion, and no one is bound to agree with each other or see things the same way. I'm one person who's been around in the fandom for a fair while and noticed some uncomfortable patterns in our overall treatment of East Asian characters, but not everyone will have the same view of things. Not all Asian people will have the same view! And that's ok.

Hope you have a good day, anon, and that this clarified some things about the original post for you.

[rollercoasterwords]

algorithms are destroying the world make your own gd decisions about shit

if you hate freedom so much go read a google ads round robin fanfic on ff.n (I think Michelin and Bridgeport are doing the enemies to lovers back and forth rn) or go 😳 at whatever happened to lj

or change all the names and sell your erotica to bellsaplus; just know that the writing is better, and the porn is more diverse on ao3

🥂

(I say porn but JEEZ guys even if you’re reading nothing but gen-fic the writing is still usually trying to say something unlike the useless pap that capitalist “content creators” churn out — to generate clicks in order to generate data on what people do everyday sitting and watching or better—-shopping. that data is then sold to other bidders. please protect the plentiful, the beautiful, the ao3. god knows what anyone would say if they say my ao3 history)

wow ok coming in hot! i'm assuming this message is meant to be like...ranting at me the way u would to a friend on facetime and that the "you" you're yelling at isn't actually me? and i am also going to take a wild guess and say that this is a response to the tiktokification essay i wrote that has escaped its enclosure and is now running wild across tumblr. so.

yes i agree we need to protect ao3 and yes i agree anything made for the sole purpose of getting as many people to click on it as possible is probably going to be pretty soulless but i feel like this rant is maybe getting slightly away from what the original intent of my post so i'm just gonna use this as an opportunity to address a few things i've seen across people's responses that have made me like :/ (warning this gets long lmao)

the tiktokification essay was not intended to be an all-encompassing analysis of the way things are across every fandom space connected to ao3. like. i am pretty secluded over in my little corner of marauders-fandom tumblr and i generally post my little essays expecting maybe like...10-20 people to interact with the post? like, when i post stuff on this blog, it's just because when i start thinking about something i can't really relax until i sit down and write my thoughts out and organize them. so when i'm posting those thoughts on tumblr it usually feels to me like the equivalent of facetiming a friend and rambling at them, except the friend is my little handful of beloved tumblr mutuals <3 anyway, i know the post is called "the tiktokification of ao3" which is a very broad statement, but that's just because i like pithy titles. if i had known it was going to run amok across tumblr i probably would have been a little more intentional with my phrasing, but oh well! what i did do is specify in the post that i was only talking about the marauders fandom, because that's literally the only fandom space that i am a part of. it's interesting to see how widespread the stuff i was talking about seems to be across different fandoms, but for anyone who has interacted with the post to essentially just be like - "ok but this isn't true everywhere/in every case"....cool! that's because i was talking about a phenomenon i have observed specifically within the marauders fandom.

it was also not intended to be me shaking my fist and cursing the youth, nor was i trying to invite like...an "us vs. them" mindset between older and younger members of fandom spaces. this is where i've seen some stuff that's made me a little like...hm. because, ok. i am one of those people who's sort of in-between the like...older versus younger sects of fandom spaces. and so i see the ageism that gets aimed towards older people by a lot of younger teens, and i understand why a lot of older adults are fed up with young fans and feel defensive, and i get that teens can be annoying on the internet. on the other hand, i still very clearly remember when i was an Annoying Teen on the Internet, and it was because i was still just...learning, y'know? like. i was just coming into contact with complex ideas about emotion and morality and relationships and everything, and that is just part of being on the internet together. there will always be shitty people, yes, but there will also always be people learning, and especially when those people are young teens, i personally tend to try and start out by giving them the benefit of the doubt. like, i tried to be clear in the post and also included in the tags (though those do get lost when the post gets spread around) that i wasn't trying to condemn anyone for engaging in the behavior i was talking about, because i do genuinely think that a lot of it is simply coming from a place of not knowing any better. so, while y'all can vent however you want on your own blogs and i do understand the frustration, i just want to make it clear that my own intention was to say - hey! younger marauders fans! here are some things to think about moving forward in how you interact with fic, since you have maybe grown up with only one model of social media, unlike those of us who grew up with the internet (i was literally born the same year google was invented) and have seen various examples of social media and observed how it's changed over the years. and it was also intended to say - hey! older marauders fans! if you're scratching your head and wondering wtf is going on with younger fans, consider that they maybe genuinely do not know better and this might help explain some of the roadblocks when it comes to trying to communicate with each other about our fandom spaces.

i did not intend to imply that there is anything wrong with wanting people to read your fanfiction. this is another thing that like. i might have spent some more time clarifying had i known how many people were going to be reading the post. but i did state very clearly that "those sharing their work online might be seeking community, but that is fundamentally different from seeking an audience." it is completely natural and understandable to want people to read your writing!! i actually made a separate post about this after the tiktokification essay but obviously they're not going around as a pair lol. however, i stand by the statement that writing fanfiction with a goal of going "viral" or just getting as much interaction as possible is not sustainable and will not bring you deep or lasting joy. idk i'm not gonna go on about this here if u want to know my thoughts on social media culture rot u can scroll through my blog i've talked abt it in a few different posts.

i was not trying to say that negativity is a new phenomenon in fandom spaces. a few people have interacted with the essay and said something along the lines of "i disagree with this"/"this isn't accurate" because there always have been and always will be people in fandom spaces who are entitled and rude and criticize fic. which like...cool! i'm sure that's true. i do think you missed the point of the post a little bit. it was specifically about a phenomenon in the marauders fandom involving the way that changes in social media over recent years have fundamentally altered the way we view online interaction, and the way i have observed that bleeding over into the marauders fandom. it wasn't just about general negativity in terms of things like comments and messages so much as it was about how expectations relating to influencer culture and virality have led to things like...people making tiktoks about "jegulus fics i hate" or fics going viral on tiktok and people then interacting with the writers as though they are the ones who made those tiktoks. and granted, i have only really been involved in this fandom for a single year, so maybe i'm just wrong about how new this is! but the tiktok stuff at least can't be older than like...2020. so. i do actually do think it's valid to talk about how changes in social media culture might be affecting the ways people interact with ao3 and fic, and i do think there's more to it than just "people will always be negative and entitled sometimes!"

i was not trying to say that we have a right to treat influencers/people posting shit on other social media sites as though they are products. this is another thing that a few people have felt the need to add on, which...okay. nothing wrong with wanting to clarify that. again, if i'd known the post was going to get so much attention, i might have spent some more time talking about it. but i'll just clarify here - my observations about the way capitalism gives rise to an influencer culture that essentially leads to viewing people as products are just that. they are observations. they are not normative statements. just because i understand why we interact with influencers like that does not mean that i think we should interact with influencers like that. however, there is a difference in an influencer whose job is content creation on social media versus an ao3 writer, and the purpose of my essay was to talk about that. saying "we shouldn't treat ao3 writers this way" does not mean "but we SHOULD treat all influencers this way."

anyway, as i warned at the beginning, this got very long -- and honestly, each of these points could probably be its own separate essay, but....i'm tired rn lol. i know that most of the people reblogging the tiktokification essay probably will not come all the way to my blog and run across this post, but i'm just leaving it here because i get grumpy easily and it's annoying to see people misinterpreting or missing the point, so i want to have all the little things i've thought about addressing in one place.

and anon - the main reason i say you may have been getting slightly away from the original point is just

1 - it had nothing to do specifically with porn, and that seems to be mostly what you're talking about? which like. real. but also just wasn't really part of the original post lmao

2 - you seem pretty angry, which again is valid, but i'm just...not. like i feel like u came into my inbox wanting to rant back and forth, and the thing is that i wasn't really intending to rant in that essay! like i said, i'm not necessarily angry at the people i've seen asking for algorithms, because i think a lot of them genuinely don't know better because they have only ever used social media that is algorithm-based, and to me that's mostly just sad and something i wanted to pick apart and piece back together like a puzzle, so. apologies for hijacking your rant to as an excuse to write a whole 'nother essay lmao i appreciate ur energy tho <3

[witchy-syd]

How to do Shadow Work

"What is shadow work and why does everyone keep talking about it and how do I start?!?!"

The witchcraft community talks about shadow work a lot, so I get baby witches with this question all. the. time. So lets dive in!

First things first: What exactly is shadow work?

To know what shadow work is, you have to know what the shadow self is. "Shadow" was coined by psychologist Carl Jung to describe "the unknown, dark side of the personality." Essentially, shadow work aims to connect, understand, heal, and integrate one's shadow self into their conscious personality.

“The shadow goes by many familiar names: the disowned self, the lower self, the dark twin or brother in bible and myth, the double, repressed self, alter ego, id. When we come face-to-face with our darker side, we use metaphors to describe these shadow encounters: meeting our demons, wrestling with the devil, descent to the underworld, dark night of the soul, midlife crisis.” (Connie Zweig, Meeting the Shadow)

Okay, so why does the witch community endorse shadow work so much?

There's a lot of reasons shadow work can be beneficial. Carl Jung's theory was the more we hide our shadow self, the more we project it onto others. So that jealousy, hatred, irritability you feel around someone else? It might be because you're hiding that trait in yourself. So not knowing your shadow self spreads negativity to others and invites negativity in yourself. Furthermore, one of the biggest goals in witchcraft is self-healing and understanding yourself, so shadow work is an integral part of the practice.

“A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” (Carl Jung)

Well how do I do it??

Great question! The best way to get started is journaling. Grab your grimoire, journal, notebook, or open up your notes app and follow along to some prompts. The best thing about journaling is, its totally personal to you. You don't HAVE to write a well worded essay when responding to these prompts. Poetry, rambling, music, art, are all totally acceptable responses. Hell, you don't even have to put anything down at all if you don't want to. The point is to reflect and meditate on these questions and discover something about yourself. It is totally up to you!

**Sometimes, shadow work can open up trauma and traumatic memories (trust me, it gets rough sometimes), so please be careful and take it easy until you're confident you're in a place you won't be re-traumatized. Shadow work is a great practice for healing and wellness, but it shouldn't replace a therapist!**

Here are some prompts I felt really connected to:

What was one time you felt wronged as a child? How did you react? Has this affected you in adulthood?

What emotion(s) do you try to avoid? What are you afraid of?

Have you ever treated a person in a way you regret? Why'd you do it?

How did your parents break your heart? Do you still carry that hurt with you today?

Write a letter to your younger self.

What, in your opinion, is the worst thing a person can do to another? Have you ever done this or had this done to you? How does that make you feel?

Is there anything about yourself you're embarrassed about? Did anyone make you feel this way? Why do you feel this way?

When is the last time you forgave yourself? Do you hold any resentment towards yourself now?

How do you handle negative emotions such as anger or sadness? Is this the best way you could handle these?

Is there anyone you haven't forgiven? Why? Put yourself in their shoes; does that make you feel any different?

Some links I recommend to further your research!

https://mindowl.org/shadow-self/