#who now is lost on Winner island the poor guy

[unsweetenedsugar]

I’ve seen so many fics depict Kikoku ‘purring’ when Law uses it, and then here we got this personification of the blade Oda did in SBS:

An old lil man saying “well, the trip has been exhausting.” And he’s (it’s?)… not even fluffy… just some random dude (with a knife on his head)… imagine this lil dude ‘purrs’ when he (it?) sees Law…

Plus Katakuri’s blade personification (?) (on the left side) shares it’s owner’s hidden love for donuts (says “Donuts, yum”). So does this mean this chill travelling dude also shows an aspect of Law…? Has Law been thinking the adventures were exhausting like he needs a break (which tbf he does)?

[sugary-spider]

Whats ur take on wambus.... I need more

..I don't have a lot of takes, but wambus I love him so much. A lot of never ask me for my takes on here../silly

WARNING : AXEL FUCKING RANTS A TON

I hate how hes mainly seen as this evil angry guy or just grumpy (mad yk) and its like..Yuck..A lot of people just would rather only view triffany as this saint and wambus is this evil bad guy. Sure hes mad lookin but like..Thats like saying filbo is dumb when he isn't, sure hes an sweet hyperactive guy thats prone to accidents but he isn't dumb. Thats an grown fucking man y'all.

I loved how he missed triffany so fucking much, he made an cactus literally look like her and as well as would basically (even from the one or two moments we seen it in gameplay) tell cactriffy about his day. And Y'ALL. Cactriffy is literally just cactus + triffy,, which is the nickname he gave to triffany!! And at best, you can just see how much he loves triffany from that and so much more.

Triffany work requires her to be away a lot, which is understandable but her and wambus literally had an farm together and wambuses whole issue was property and money. Farms are extremely hard to take care of, especially even with just two people. Wambus is an stubborn guy, and he loves his wife. He probably took care of that farm all by himself while triffany was away. I understand if y'all don't understand how farm and ranches are, but they're just..So hard to take care of. Especially with how utilities and so much more costs.

(this is coming from someone who just knows someone an good few ppl who like..literally grew up on an farm 60/40% of their lives this just me blabberin about that yk so my bad if I don't get the whole picture right. But like..Farms/ranches are so HARD to take care of unless you know what to do and such!! Like farms cost around 600 - 10000+)

So just imagine with how that feels, especially with how we know wambus is so okay with triffany going off on her own dreams while he was kinda struggling with his. He started an farm on the island because it was "more cheaper on mainland" and hes right, even if everyone was kinda shitting on him about it. But thats like his dream, and so much more. I like to even think wambus came from an huge or generational line of farmers, ranchers, just country-side work basically. Which would also make so much more sense in an way to understand how Wambus would understand heavily and support his wife on her journey and job of being an archeologist while also trying to find out what happend to her mom. Im not gonna shit on triffany either, but like. You gotta understand how wambus feels, he probably (and I think he did!! Pretty sure he did) lost the farm. And like I said, I like to think the farm was an family farm that was past down onto him. And he lost it.

I know triffany would try to console her husband, but she also now had to be this bread winner because of wambus losing this huge money maker but then just also caving underneath it due to all these taxes and so much more, that the list is just too much. Plus they're both workaholics so she probably never stayed long to console him or help him, only when she had to stay in an way she would or try to.

"Hes such an violent and angry guy! Triffany should leave him, hes so mean and-" Are we talking about the same guy? Cause NO WE ARE NOT?? He most likely has emotional dysregulation which is caused by stress!! And he just WENT through an stressful time period of his life!! (Stole this hc from an lovely bro ham of mine -> @loched-off 💪😼)

Also fear of failure. That can and is implied to be most reasons WHYYY he lashes out and hes always regretful of his actions by the way. Like when filbo got launched by an bunger due to his causing by throwing sauce at him,, and he was literally so regretful of it. Even asked the journalist to PLEASE check up on poor filbo.

Not to mention, probably due to his failure fears present and past, is kinda why people can see how triffany and wambus dynamic is 50/50 of great and needs some work.

But even then, triffany doesn't mean it. Shes looking out for wambus best interests, especially with how she knows wambus hates failure and hates failing so badly. Especially with how.hes gonna lash out, and view it as anything more than bugsnax not growing. He just lost his farm, something he worked so hard on. And now hes losing his little thesis of bugsnax growing..

And he did. He was so heart broken, and his voice you can just TELL this mans heart shattered into billions of peaces. Even if he has an not so hyperactive and has monotone tone in his voice, you can just..Still tell hes heart broken. He started giving up on HIMSELF, and hes STUBBORN Y'ALL.

DO YOU KNOW. HOW HARD,, AN STUBBORN PERSON HAS TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM TO BE LIKE..

"My hopes and all my work, was all for nothing. Im just an big ole failure."

Y'ALL. THIS MAN HAD ME CRYING AND NEEDING TO TAKE FIVE (You can tell im like..maybe more a wamby fan than a triffy one..I lobe blue hair and prns farmers....)

I like to think he also was made fun of for his feelings back then. Especially cause of like..Of grumpus world is like our world, him as an man would've been definitely made fun of for crying. Especially if this is..Something so heavy and meaningful to him,, he was definitely sobbing and pouring his heart out but only to be made fun of. Or had his problems seen as something so little..

And triffany *may* had accidentally had some help in it in an way, since she worked so much due to being an workalcoholic and its her passion. She loves archeology and wambus could never ever in an million years deny his wife of her happiness like she could never deny wambus his. Even though, that ended up with them fighting. Especially wambus putting his foot down on not wanting to be somewhere he can't grow plants other than cacti. Especially if he was so hyperfocused on sauce plants, and only ones that grow there are hot sauce or cheese,, but we seen wambus grow an wide variety. He wouldn't really wanna just only ever be able to grow two types of sauce plants.

Also just supperr self indulgent,, I like to think he has one or two actual degrees in some sort of botany or farm work..Plus hess ermm Audhd cause I said so. Sorry NOT sorry. <3

Also, I have an BUNCH. Of wambus hcs :3

-> Wambus is hispanic,, (You can pick whatever one, just I like mexican wambus a lot..)

-> Knows spanish, especially cause he lived in an heavy spanish speaking area.

-> Always worked on an farm/countryside, he loves talking about his childhood. You can tell by how much he smiles when talking about it

-> An shy kid in public due to his family always wanting him to speak english heavily in school, but was an rowdy kid that would say curses in spanish

-> He LOVES dogs and cats. He had an hunting dog when he was little, also talks about that dog a lot. Her name was brownie .. Had an barn cat or two, both were name Charolette and Scarlett.. :3

-> Was held back an grade or two, only because of how he worked more than was in school. But he isn't dumb, hes slicker than a fox.

-> he is TEXAN. Take it or leave it /silly

-> Hes an introvert extrovert heavily. Just due to people getting off putted by his natural 'bitch face' a lot of people don't talk to him.

-> Knows a lot about death, especially since he lived on an farm. One of his jobs he would've been fine with is an flower guy for funerals.

-> He *has* an childhood gothic friend. They talk alottt.. (is this based an oc x canon dynamic from me and my partners au?..Maybe..You'll never know sorry not sorry)

-> Due to the two other hcs,, its also how triffany was drawn to him heavily. Just..so heavily, cause he never overreacted to her funfacts and really really gruesome and horrifically details facts other than asking more about it. Cause he genuinely wanted to know.

-> I will NEVER. Give up my most famous hc of wambus being an girl dad.

-> Hes also really good with kids surprisingly. Even though his back would be hurting so much, he will teach kids how to climb trees safely or not, and go on and on about his own childhood stories. Once taught/told an kid about the time he ran away from bees. Spent the day helping the lil' kiddo try to find an bee hive before an accident happend and they both ended up stung badly.

-> He loves summer and spring..Especially spring, he gets so giddy about it.

-> Youngest. He is the baby of his family, was always picked on but is now the strongest between them. Gets called little blue or baby ox tho. They make fun of him but hes gotten used to it..💔

Thats it..Just I LOVEEE wambus. Ty for asking my opinion on him..Hes my favorite and I genuinely wish people loved him just as much as people loved triffany..

[the-firebird69]

There's a couple more things to report they're fairly big they have a pretty good impact

-people are actually vagrants and bums and they've been living like that forever and they kind of enjoy just sitting around and crappy spots in nature and trying to hide and we will pull him in all the time doing it and it was the old people and we get all the information and we had surprised that we're green and then and the pseudo empire is doing it too they used to be the merchant marines the empire speak and they arrested these guys a lot for piracy and we're going to start going to town on them I can't stand them come f******

-another thing is we have a huge army it's a messing up in Georgia no they're missing it and they're not in Alabama and they're evacuating and that's what we want to talk about. We said this morning they're like 25%. That's about right and that would be the Macklemore lock no that's all the more luck and that's a low number because in the populace of Earth or higher but if you look at it in relation to off Island it was about right at 35% is actually a little high so now they're going and getting reduced and they are evacuating and it's no fun camping with them they're a bunch of assholes they burn so much firewood you can't breathe at all and they're half dead already and they do suffer brain damage and hallucinate I mean they're a bunch of winners they really are very very stupid people and this guy is saying you can hear him he can't he's a f****** loser and there's a lot of that going on just a whole bunch of f****** many p**** b**** f**** s*** sleaze ball low life belly crawling stuff and I'm insulted who cares he ignores it because everybody insults them they insult each other all the time they do it all day and night and they're disgusting right now we've seen the evacuation reach about 4% and John remillard wants him to say it's good and we don't care you don't do anything for him you're mean and everybody sees you doing it and they hate you for doing it any piece of s*** out of you after you leave is there a sleaze ball f****** huge f**** ass homo and yeah he can hear it

So at 4% they would drop it to 21% now it said 2% more this morning and it's increased people up north are leaving even Tallahassee and that area they're fed up with the invasion tired of people invading to the South and coming north and they have to leave you can't sit for a minute and there's no area to do anything in no work can get done and they have lost control of Florida and they're leaving they're they're going out and they are going to find another place to go to so our son is saying we should be rating his houses while he is out here and people are doing that while they see him sitting here. It's not us though it's a whole bunch of other people and they're taking his rigging out but that's 21% left for the whole state in Charlotte county people are crushing in here some are leaving because they can't stand it anymore and they've witnessed probably about a few hundred of these waves several hundred and that's a lot of stuff to go through. There's a few other things he's selling the tires and the brand names are Chinese and he thought the tires were decent the nabi tires lasted a long time and they're telling Chao Yang he was impressed with it but he just doesn't want to ride on the nobbies and he might do it later but now he doesn't have the money and he was thinking of changing the tires out and he might get new tires and rims and even the motor and just put it on there but put a thousand watt and they're saying that's good and you know you figure out how to do it and fit it out for dirt biking and people think it's not a bad idea with him when you think he'll need 2000 and something other than his mountain bike so he's going to have to think about that but they're mad because they keep saying mean something and our son wants to sell the tires and says doesn't mean anything because you bunch of poor sons of b****** who can't buy four tires if someone saved your f****** life you're a bunch of pukes and you die so often it's impossible to do anything with you and it's true. These people are leaving any way they can no they have campers and they have cars at the same time a lot of them have RVs a lot of them like 50% almost and have trailers with cars that carry the whole thing and they put their stuff in the car and I waste too much but okay it's not bad and they head out and they do okay and they have to leave during the day if they leave now they go past Alabama they're fine it's still kind of packing there it's a little late in the day they say and they're getting ready for tomorrow morning so today will be about 3.5% and tomorrow will probably be 5% bringing it to 16.5%, and people will feel it here and all over they will not be able to get stuff they won't be able to heal very easily they're going to be yelling and screaming stuff and it won't do anything and yeah we're sick of this homo and it's homo son if he doesn't move so asking zigzag and we're going to get them out and we're going to try and do it

-he is and his wife

-there's other stuff to hear today and he thanks him for the tire it's on the way it's a wonderful tire is a little bit fat and he has to watch cornering when he's loaded up and stuff so he gets that and it's a nature of the type of tire but really it's not the greatest design but it is nice it is nice it goes fast and has deep tread you think that's true too cuz it is we are also going to try and get funding to our son using this horrifically huge maneuver to do it and we're hoping it won't continue that way it's ridiculous you're trying to put one guy in a pinch point is a waste of time they're saying it's all of our people and it's not they're insane we have other things going on but we're going to publish

Thor Freya

-we are pleased to help out there's a few things we can do I'm going to try and move them if we can't we're going to have to have a meeting cuz it should not be this hard

Zig Zag

We know it's very hard but they're right we're going to see what happens and it will be interesting

Olympus I'm trying to get in position and they can't and it's taking them forever and they getting clobbered right there in town and a lot of them it's just going to continue and so our son is going to sit there he says

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Winner’s Curse Ch. 22

“Please please come in quickly,” the honorable wizard Yen Sid urged Uma, barely muffling his own coughs from the dusty air of Judge Frollo’s “house.” Quite ironically or perhaps more telling, Judge Frollo’s abode was the basement of a brothel. A cruel twist of temptation or perhaps a house of convenience since it was no secret that Frollo indulged in his hypocritical desires while preaching at his imaginary pulpit during the day.

But Uma wasn’t here to hear how she was destined for hell. It was night, the perfect time to meet the rest of the Anti-Villain Club while Frollo was away.

It felt like the situation was getting more dire the more time past. Amplified by the restlessness Uma felt because they weren’t getting anything done!

Sometimes Uma wanted to give in to her temptation to just dump the Auradonians for themselves. They didn’t really offer her any information or skills that she needed. Plus, they were slow at best. Uncaring and disobedient at worse, far more concerned with their own problems and feelings. They didn’t know how to work with a team or for a cause other than themselves.

Such royal behavior. Must be nice to put your moods first when your need for food, shelter and safety were never in question.

So it was a breath of fresh air to meet with the Anti Villains. Though they did not give her the assuring efficiency of her pirate crew, they were still Vks, her people. And she would need all the allies she could get if they were to stop the Coven.

Yen Sid gestured to the faded rug with, of course, an image of a man bleeding and crucified while a red devilish monster stabbed at his torso with a pitchfork.

Frollo’s erstwhile, rebellious daughter, Claudine took the head of the rug with Diego De’Vil and Yzla on both sides of her. Harold, Jason, Hadie, Big Murph, Hermie Bing, Eddie Balthazar, Celia and a blonde girl that Uma didn’t recognize rounded out the rest of the circle. Uma took place across from Claudine and Yen Sid stood by, pacing around.

“What news can you give us?” Yen Sid asked, starting the meeting abruptly.

Uma hadn’t noticed when Yen Sid signalled to her from the alleyways but the elder wizard looked even older. He was hunched over, not from age but like there was an invisible yoke on his shoulders. His face was riddled with new lines of wrinkles, stress and fatigue. And he was pale. So pale.

Uma had seen that sort of sickly paleness before. The sheen of sweat from a non-existent flu. He looked like death. The Isle after 20 years was starting to take its toll.

Though Uma had no personal attachment to the wizard nor did she care for his method of teaching goodness so Vks would be accepted in Auradon, when they should be accepted because they like any other person should have a home without abuse or poverty, she respected what he was trying to do. He didn’t see them all as one mass of worthless deviants to be scorned and ignored. He could have stayed in Auradon, doing nothing like all the rest of the so-called good guys, but he didn’t.

And this place was slowly killing him.

This place was going to be the death of all them if Uma’s revolution didn’t work.

Uma cracked her neck, inhaled and began to brief them, even though her report didn’t offer much encouragement that their plans were going to be successful.

“Our communications link with King Ben no longer works thanks to the Isle’s crappy service. However, we were able to inform him that the invasion is taking place in less than a week before we were cut off.” “Circe is officially on our side and will assist Yen Sid on more complex, powerful spells against Nerissa and the others.”

“The rest of the Coven-” “Believes.. Well actually tolerates the idea that you and Calix are still loyal. Lala still is on their side but Jade thinks she can convince her to switch again. Zevon and Ginny are lost causes. But you are going to round up your crew, and Harriet’s crew for extra manpower.” Yzla interrupted, and shrugged at Uma’s glare, “Jade told me.” “Ah yes.” Uma pursed her lips, shaking it off to not act too ruffled. She had been aware that Yzla and Jade were close but she didn’t particularly like that they were discussing things without her. That’s how plans got overturned. And people were overthrown.

Uma pushed that thought away as too paranoid. After all, they were all here for the same thing. Escape, not power.

“Yes, so you already know that. I do believe we will be able to persuade the rest of the Isle on our side.” “Wait the rest of the Isle. Like you mean some other kids right? Or the Hun gang. Not not the whole Isle?” Eddie asked. “I meant the rest of the Isle. The adult henchmen. The orphaned kids. The Huns, the mercenaries, the prostitutes. Anyone and everyone who has no power or big villain names.” The rest of the club looked at turns confused, intrigued and disbelieving at her.

“They are like us. They gain nothing from the Coven gaining more power. They get everything if they helped the revolution. No more oppressors. And a promise from King Ben to take all of us off the Isle to better housing, new jobs and actual food. A better life.”

“Whether Mal likes it or not.” Uma added internally. That had been the one thing she managed to speak to King Ben about, and surprisingluy he agreed wholeheartedly. He had seemed horrified when she described the living conditions that children dealt with. The way teens had turned to violence among other things to survive their abusive parents. He didn’t think he’d be able to convince Auradon should be abolished completely. Big villains would probably stay indefinitely. But he was welcome to her suggestions for programs to hep Vks.

“That’s why I need your input. King Ben is putting me in charge of VK Integration Programs and I want to know what we need.” “Uh, that’s nice. A truly Christian thing to do,” Claudine sneered saracastically, she had always been the most doubting of anyone having good intentions what with who she had for a father, “But shouldn’t we get out of here before we plan any VK Integration Programs?”

“This is part of how we are going to persuade the rest of the Isle to help us,” Uma smoothly bridged the two disparting ideas, “We need solid plans with how, what, when. Something solid and real that people can imagine and believe in. When the other Vks and adults hear of these programs, these programs that are as real as when King Ben invited the Core Four, they will be willing to fight for their chance to get in. They will rise up against the Coven so that they could be free.”

Claudine and Diego still looked suspicious, but Jason, Harold, and Big Murph practically had stars in their eyes. Hermie was smiling shyly and Hadie was tapping his chin thoughtfully. He was the first to pitch in.

“I think there should be something for the victims of Hans and Lars.” Everyone turned to look at him which caused the spiky-blue haired teen to flush and clam up. , Uma nodded empathetically, “Continue.” “Well, I mean-uh.Well we all had it bad. But Prince Hans is another level of bad. I went there once with dad for one of Staylan’s parties and I lurked around and man, that dude is nuts. He has photos of his “harem” all “sexy bruised” and stuff. And Lars…”

Uma narrowed her eyes. She didn’t need Hadie to elaborate on Lars. Gil had already told her everything she needed to know about the icy sadist. It was a term that was generally thrown around for an island full of villains with bloodlust, but Gil described the sickeningly calm way Lars acted. How Lars almost described it in seductive terms the way a whip would constrict a person’s throat until the breath left them. The calculating gaze he’d watch the ones he picked as “lovers.” Apparently a sadism that he picked up from his dad.

“Yeah, everyone knows Drizella is his favorite. Poor Dizzy.” Eddie shook his head.

Dizzy had always been left alone with her grandmother, Lady Tremine, but Uma had always assumed that Drizella, like almost all the parents on the Isle, was neglectful and uncaring. She hadn’t thought that Drizella may have been dealing with her own things.

And why wouldn’t she? That was Gil’s mother had to go through everyday with being Gaston’s unfavorite. While Uma was more concerned with the kids on the Isle, she could see now that some adults may need help too.

“Great. Center for sadist victims. What else have we got?”

“Do we have to go to school if we go to Auradon? I just don’t think I need it. My band is doing pretty well and I bet those royal dorks never heard music like mine.” Diego mock-shredded on his guitar

Uma cocked her head. She got his point. She didn’t think there was anything Auradon Prep had that could teach her anything useful. Like smizing as she heard from Celia Faciliar’s letters from Freddie. Plus there were some teens near adulthood like Harriet who probably wouldn’t want to be forced into classes when they could get jobs. Same with adults who never learned to read in their lives and still didnt want to.

“I’ll talk about it with King Ben. What else?” Uma said.

“Food that isn’t covered with flies. Fresh food, not trash.” Hermie said.

“Uh that’s just a given. None of their food is rotten.” Celia told the lithe brunette before Uma could clarify that good food comes with the territory.

Several ideas were thrown around, but the main ones came down to food, homes away from the possible revenge of their parents and others, and none of the Goodness 101 that Celia heard Freddie taking.

“Great. Now the important thing is that you spread the word of these programs to the other. You have to make people want this badly enough that they will fight. Act like its their only chance because it is. From there, I will send my crew to organize them to key points and learn some better and dirtier fight tactics.” Uma announced.

The rest of the Club nodded somberly at the announcement. There was not much emotion from Uma’s command. No relief, excitement or even nervousness. Just a numb sort of nod that they understood. But the words, “This is your only chance,” clearly rang in their heads.

It was now or never.

Everyone slowly got up to leave, thinking their own thoughts except the blonde who slipped to walk next to Uma, expertly slinking through the alleyways.

“Hi, um, I know we haven’t met before but um.. I’m Cosette.” The literally dirty blonde introduced in a fake high voice, clearly highlighting her nervousness, “I’m Gaston’s daughter. Gil’s half sister? You know Gil right? I mean, of course you do. I’ve seen him and everyone knows he hangs with you. I’m sorry I’m babbling. It’s just this is all so new-”

Uma stopped walking so she could give her her full attention. Yes, now that she stopped to actually look at Cosette, she could see a bit of the resemblance. The blonde hair, the high forehead and cheekbones. She looked older, maybe Harriet’s age, though her ample chest peeking from her corset gave the impression of a woman in her 20s. Unlike Gil, she didn’t have the usually confused look in her eyes. Just scared.

That look heightened Uma’s protective instincts. The helpless usually did that, as unvillainous as that was, plus the Gil resemblance.

“Why haven’t I heard of you before?” Uma asked skeptically even though she was pretty sure Cosette was honest.

“Um I’m a girl. Dad wouldn’t acknowledge me. Actually he tried to throw me away and try again which is why Mom left and… it seemed safer to avoid him. But- but I heard from Celia about this Anti-Villain Club when I went in for a reading, and Celia said you’d come so I thought I’d ask you. You know, for permission.” Uma thought. The story was realistic enough. But there was too much to do right now to focus on a family reunion. Unless…

“I will. You have my word. But first, how good would you say your fighting and/or spying skills?”

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part ii

Here’s part ii! Please reblog and send your thoughts, I love hearing feedback! I was doing a ton of research on American immigration law, and it doesn’t look like Canadians technically need a visa for most work circumstances, but I’m taking it as a matter of artistic license.

https://slapshot-to-the-heart.tumblr.com/post/615257287896989696/flatbush-atlantic-part-i

part ii

October 5

“Mat, I’m in the middle of a meeting,” Chris said, glancing up at him with a bemused-yet-slightly-annoyed look on his face. 

Mat looked over at Cass, ducking his head and sheepishly tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Oh, yeah. For sure. I’m sorry, I should have knocked, but I got this letter, and. Yeah. I shouldn’t have interrupted, that was rude. I’m sorry.” Cass couldn’t help but let out a snicker at his rambling, and Mat turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. He held out his hand. She took it. “Sorry about that.” His cheeks colored. “I keep apologizing. I’m Mat Barzal.”

“Cass Cabrera Shaw,” she replied. 

“Cass is our new intern, so you’ll be seeing each other around. Hopefully not too often.” Chris said, nodding to where she sat in front of him. 

“I got the job?” Cass asked, her head jerking back to look at Chris. 

Chris nodded like it should have been obvious. “Cassidy. You’re more than qualified, you know the sport, you understand the responsibilities. You go to a top 5 law school. Yeah, you’re hired.” She blinked, still trying to take it all in. Chris turned to Mat. “Okay, Barzal, you’re up. What’s wrong?”

Mat scratched his neck. “Okay, so I know I should have looked into it sooner and taken responsibility for it. And I do, I mean, take responsibility for it. It’s just, I was in Vancouver for the summer and then vacation and then training camp and—”

Chris cut him off. “Barzal. What is it?”

“I missed the deadline for my visa renewal.” That sounds familiar, Cass thought ruefully. At least she wouldn’t be alone in her dumbassery.

Chris put his head in his hands.

Mat held up a hand. “Wait, it’s not as bad as it seems, I promise.”

“Try me.”

“I called whoever’s in charge, they left a number on the letter—”

“State Department,” Cass said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her hair when Mat looked back at her, a hint of a smile on his face. 

He nodded. “Thanks. Yeah, them. I called them and explained the situation, and they agreed to give me an extension.”

Chris cleared his throat. “And by ‘the situation,’ you mean…” He trailed off. 

“That I was an NHL player who wasn’t in the country when they sent reminder letters. I might have used the Commissioner’s name once or twice.” Mat said sheepishly. 

“And we all know how much weight Gary Bettman’s name carries with American immigration policy,” Chris deadpanned. “Okay, give me a second to think how we’re going to get this done. How much of the forms have you filled out?”

Mat flipped open the folder he had brought, scanning the pages. “Most of it.” At least he’s not entirely hopeless. “There were a couple things I wasn’t sure about, and some new stuff that I don’t remember from last time. I figured it was better to bring it in than try to submit it on my own and get it all horribly wrong.”

“Thank God for that,” Chris said, giving a half-smile. After another minute or so of thinking, he raised his head and looked to where Cassidy was still sitting, straight across the desk. “I saw on your transcript that you’ve taken several immigration law classes. Any fieldwork?” Chris asked. 

Cass nodded. “Yeah, there was a clinic run by the school that reviewed visa applications and other paperwork for recent immigrants, I volunteered there for a few months.”

“Good. How familiar are you with O1 visas?” He asked, looking in between Cassidy and Mat. 

“For extraordinary capability? I’ve studied them a little, I know that’s the kind that most NHL players are obviously on but I’m not an expert by any means,” she said.

Chris tapped his fingers on the desk, seemingly lost in thought, before his eyes flickered between her and Mat. “Okay. You’ll be running point on Mat’s visa renewal.” Cassidy’s face blanched. “It’s mostly done so it shouldn’t be too hard. But between you and me,” he paused, raising an eyebrow at Mat, “I wouldn’t trust this boy to fill out the paperwork to adopt a goldfish, so make sure you double-check everything he wrote in. Come to me or Richard with any questions, but I really do think you’ll be fine. Got it?”

Cass jerkily nodded her head, still trying to fully process. In the span of the last ten minutes, she had gotten a job that she thought she had no chance for and had been put in charge of a very delicate, very expensive, very important set of immigration paperwork for Mat Barzal. Mat Barzal, the 2018 Calder Trophy winner. Mathew Barzal, the future of the Islanders. No pressure. 

“I should probably give you my number,” Mat said, pulling out his phone and holding it out to her. She looked at him with confusion, head tilted to one side. Mat’s face flushed and he rushed to clarify. “Like for the work stuff. In case I have questions about the visa or you need me to translate my chicken scratch for you.”

Now it was Cass’ turn to blush, gently taking his phone out of his hands and navigating to the messages. “I’ll text myself, that way you’ll have my number too. For questions,” she paused briefly, “or anything else.” Cass was typically never that bold, but there was something about the way Mat cracked a smile that made her sure she had made the right decision.

Chris coughed, bringing their attention back to the desk and the issue at hand. “I’ll go and make a copy of these for your records, Mat,” he said, standing up and reaching over the desk for the file with the visa forms, “and Cass, you’ll be working off of the originals.” He glanced between the pair. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.” 

Chris closed the door behind him, and Mat leaned up against one of the filing cabinets. “So, you’re working for the team now?”

“Yeah.” Cass nodded. “I’m excited, it seems like it’ll be a great position, but I think the prospect of my betrayal might be too much for my poor dad. Working for the enemy and all.”

Mat let out a laugh. “Rangers fan?”

“Big one. I’m from Connecticut so he grew up with the Whalers mostly, but when they folded the family allegiance switched. And when Mike Shaw is in on something, he’s all in. I’m fearing for my well being,” she joked dryly, the corner of her mouth twitching up. 

“I think you’ll be fine,” he said, looking up at her. “Tell your dad that I promise we’re not as bad as we seem. Tito, maybe,” he added, wiggling his hand. “But I’m a good guy, as long as you promise not to sell off our training secrets and pass formations to the highest bidder.”

Cass held up three fingers. “I give you my word as a former Girl Scout that I won’t leak the absolute mountains of information I have access to.”

“Pinky promise?” Mat asked, holding out his hand. 

It was Cass’ turn to laugh, and she stood up from her chair, leaning over and interlocking their fingers. “Pinky promise.”

Chris chose that particular moment to walk back in, raising his eyebrows briefly. “What’s going on here?”

Mat cleared his throat. “It took a lot of convincing, but I got Cass to pinky promise me that she won’t sell us out to the Rangers.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Apparently there was a rash of double-crossing by interns that I wasn’t aware of,” Chris said, handing over the sheaf of copies to Mat. “And Cassidy, I’ll see you tomorrow at 10?” Cass internally groaned, knowing that it would take well over an hour on the train. Still, she nodded curtly. “Of course.”

He smiled, reaching over the desk and shaking her hand. “I’ll put these,” he said, gesturing to the forms, “in your desk tomorrow. You’ll be working out in the main area, we’ll get you set up when you come in. Other than that, you’re good to go. Glad to have you on board. Genuinely.” 

Cass leaned down to pick up her backpack, walking out the door and into the elevator with Mat by her side. “So, I’ll call you if I’ve got questions on any of this, right?” He asked, folding the papers and tucking them into his inside jacket pocket. 

She nodded. “Yeah. This one is a little different but I’ve done a lot of filling out forms and revision for this before, so I don’t think it’ll be too much of an issue. If I don’t know the answer to something, I can find it for you. I might have some questions tomorrow, you guys have a game, right?” Cass asked. Mat nodded. “So obviously I know you’ll have morning skate and be by the arena most of the day, but try to have your phone with you when you can so we don’t have to play phone tag, y’know?”

He smiled, holding the front door open for her as they existed onto the busy street. “I’ll do my best, Cass. See you soon.”

As promised, as soon as Mat had turned the corner, Cass pulled out her phone, clicking on Samaira’s contact. She picked up on the first ring. “Samaira, you’re not going to believe what my afternoon has been like.” 

She headed straight to her room after getting home, managing to squeeze in a few hours of reading before getting started on dinner. Pasta was easy to make for everyone; Alicia was lactose intolerant and Stella kept kosher, so simplicity was often key in group meals. Sautéeing some collard greens with onions and garlic, she turned her head towards the rooms and hollered to the rest of the apartment. “DINNER’S ALMOST READY!”

Much to her chagrin, Cass got up bright and early the next day, shoveling down a bowl of cereal before grabbing her bag and heading out the door.

October 12 (fri)

The Islanders had a weeklong road trip, so Cass had been reassigned to contract review since she was all but done with Mat’s visa renewal. She glanced at her watch, seeing that it was nearly noon. Nearly noon meant nearly lunchtime. She hadn’t figured out what she wanted to have for lunch quite yet, but food carts in New York were a dime a dozen; while she wasn’t being paid for the internship, she was given a stipend for lunch and travel expenses that she took full advantage of. Just as she flipped the page over, the office door opened. Assuming that it was some assistant coming for Chris or one of the other lawyers returning from a different office, she didn’t pay it too much mind. That was, however, until the figure stopped by her desk, coughing to get her attention. “Yeah?” She questioned, looking up and tilting her head in confusion when she saw that it was Mat. 

“I had a question about one of the employment history sections, and the office said you’d be here today. I brought food,” he said, holding up a paper back emblazoned with the name of a local Chinese restaurant. 

“Oh God, bless your heart,” she said, pulling over another chair. “I’m starving. Sit down, walk me through it. What’s got you confused?” It didn’t occur to Cass that he could have easily asked her over text.

October 17 (tues)

Sitting at her desk, Cass was trying (and failing) to finish her notes before midnight when her phone lit up with a text. And then another one. And then another. Rolling her eyes, she picked it up, expecting something from one of her younger siblings or a friend from back home. Instead, it was Mat. Hew brow instantly furrowed, swiping up to see what was the matter. He had sent two pictures, both screenshots from newspapers. Florida Man Arrested for Throwing Gator at Mother-in-Law, the first one read. Florida Man Charged with Reckless Endangerment for Filling Nursing Home Koi Pond with Baby Gators, said the other. Do u think it’s the same guy? He asked. 

Rolling her eyes, Cass wrote out a reply. No doubt. Criminals have patterns. 

So do u think all Florida men are obsessed with gators or just this one?

Gator cult. She tapped send, picking it back up almost immediately. Obviously. 

October 21 (sat)

The plane back from Montréal is about to leave. Any album recs?

Mat and Cass had been texting back-and-forth for the past few days, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise that he asked her. 

Wasteland, Baby - Hozier, Electric Light - James Bay. Amidst the Chaos - Sara Bareilles if ya wanna get a little spicy. I’m mostly an indie kinda girl, give me a sec and I’ll send you my playlist. 

Can’t wait, Mat responded. Cass loved music, and always found it to be something intensely personal. So what was it about Mat that made her so willing to share?

October 23 (mon)

Cass hated getting up early, but there were some things better than sleep. You wanna get coffee before your classes? Mat had texted the night before. Coffee was one of them. Grabbing her backpack and tugging on her favorite pair of ankle boots, she headed out the door at 7:02. 

“Where are you headed this early?” Alicia asked quizzically, her own tote slung over one shoulder. Ryanne almost always left the earliest, usually having to get to her rounds well before anyone else had woken up. 

“Mat and I are going out for coffee,” she said, picking up her keys from the nail by the door. 

Alicia wiggled her eyebrows. “Oooooh, Cass has a daaaateee,” she said in a sing-song voice. 

Cass’s cheeks burned. “It’s not a date, I’m just helping him out with some paperwork. He’s asking me out as a friend. Just because he’s cute—”

Alicia cut her off. “AHA! So you DO admit that you think he’s cute?”

Cass groaned. “Yeah, okay, he’s cute. You happy?” Alicia nodded. “But just because I think he’s attractive doesn’t mean that this is going to be anything other than friends getting together before work, okay?” 

Her friend shrugged. “Whatever you say, Cass. Have fun, be safe! Use prot—” Cass closed the door as quickly as she could without slamming it. Forty minutes later, she was walking up to the coffee shop, greeting Mat with a hug. 

“Sorry if I kept you waiting,” Cass said. 

Mat shook his head. “You didn’t, don’t apologize.” He opened the door for her, hand ghosting over the small of her back as he followed her in line. A few minutes later, Mat was at the register, ordering a cappuccino. He turned to her. “What do you want, Cass?” 

“Mat, you don’t have to pay for me,” Cass said, pulling out her wallet. 

Mat gently pushed her hand down. “I was the one who suggested it, Cass. I’m paying the bill.” He handed over his card to the barista, turning back to her with a smile. “You can get it next time.” She laughed. 

“Fine, you win. Coconut milk latté.”

Oct 25 (wed)

“Afternoon pick-me-up?” Cass looked up from her desk, confused but excited to see Mat in front of her desk. 

“Huh?”

He held up a coffee cup, a speckled white-and-blue reusable. “You mentioned something about needing me to sign the last page or something? I brought you coffee, the cup’s for you too. Place says you’ll save 25¢ whenever you use it.” 

“Yeah,” Cass said slowly, “and you faxed it over, right? Kristie said they got it in this morning.” Kristie was the office assistant, and had handed the page to Cass right as she had walked in the door half an hour prior.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Mat said, seemingly flustered. “I was worried I might have made a mistake on it, so I thought I’d come over and double-check.”

“You’re worried you made a mistake signing your own name?” Cass didn’t quite understand it, but there was something really endearing about him wanting to come down and check it himself rather than just calling her or emailing Chris. “Okay then,” she said, leaning over her laptop to grab the folder. She traded it for the coffee in Mat’s hand, the Post-it note on the side of the cup catching her eye. Coconut milk latté. He remembered. 

Oct 26 (thurs)

What are your thoughts on sushi? Cass got a text from Mat as she was about to get out of her environmental law lecture. The professor had already started packing up her things, so she risked a message back. 

As a concept or as a food?

The food haha

All positive, love sushi!

I know this great place in Chelsea, want to grab dinner later?

You don’t have a late practice or anything with the guys? From what she had gathered, even when it wasn’t a game day, Mat would usually get an extra workout in after practice or go out with Tito and some of the rest of the team.

Nope :) Nothing after 2

Cass bit her lip, weighing her options as she shut her laptop and exited the lecture hall. She wasn’t reading too much into it, was she? Friends got dinner together all the time, it wasn’t weird for him to have asked her. It was normal. Typical friend stuff. Sure, she liked him. She liked him a lot. But it wasn’t worth jeopardizing her career and reputation to try and fabricate something that probably wasn’t even there. Sounds good! I should be able to get there 6ish if that works for you?

Perfect! He wrote back, I’ll send you the address.

Les and Fiona caught up to her that afternoon after she practically ran out of their review session the second it was done. “Woah woah woah,” Fiona asked, catching Cass just as she was about to exit the library. “Where are you headed off to so quick?”

Cass tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, scrunching up her nose. “Getting dinner with Mat.” 

Les wiggled his eyebrows. “Ooooh, your man?”

Cass went red. “He’s not my man! He just asked if I wanted to get sushi. And I’m hungry, and he said he’s paying. So I said yes.”

“But you like him,” Les said, as if he was stating the obvious. Which, in a way, he was?

She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah. It’s hard not to. But he asked me out as friends. It’s not a date. If it was a date, he would have said so? Right?” She was starting to ramble.

Fiona reached out to touch her shoulder, rubbing her thumb back and forth. “Maybe. But maybe not. It’s possible that he is into you, but you and I both know that’s a question best answered by someone other than us,” she pointed at her and Les. “And even if he doesn’t, it’s still a free dinner.” 

Cass let out a small smile. “You’re right.” She glanced at her watch. “I told him I’d be there by 6, so I probably should get going if I want to catch the train in time.” She gave each of them a brief hug. “See you next week!”

“GOOD LUCK!” Tyler hollered as she turned the corner. Cass’ cheeks burned, and she was beginning to realize why.

---

Cass got home from the restaurant just after 9, trying desperately to make sense of the past few weeks. Getting ahead of herself had never led to anything good, and much though she wanted to, Cass wasn’t about to put words in Mat’s mouth. But he had been the one to suggest dinner, and he had picked up the tab again. “You’re in law school,” Mat had said with a shrug when the check came. “I’m not about to make you pay for your own food when you don’t have to.” Shaking her head and pulling out the kettle to make a cup of tea, she tried again to rationalize everything. “We’re friends. I’m doing him a solid by helping him out with this paperwork, he’s just trying to be nice and pay me back. Which he doesn’t need to do, because it’s my job. But he’s nice, so he’s doing it anyway. Because we’re friends.” Frustrated, she grabbed her mug, walking back to her bedroom and barely paying any mind to the splashes of near-boiling water that hit the ground. 

Oct. 27 (fri)

It was a quarter to 6, and Cass couldn’t wait to get out of the office. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy her job. It was incredible and she was so thankful for the opportunity. It was the fact that Mat fucking Barzal had been on her mind all day and she had been finding it so damn hard to concentrate on research and contracts and precedent when she was busy trying to sift through her own feelings. Cass wasn’t a particularly insecure person; like anyone else, she had those days, but it wasn’t really a matter of her thinking he was “out of her league” or that she wasn’t good enough for him. She knew that the whole concept of “leagues” was dumb and classist, but there was something about the whole dynamic that she couldn’t quite shake, and couldn’t quite tell if it was something good or not. It was five minutes to six, and she couldn’t stop her fingers tapping on her desk, waiting to be set free. Waiting for her mind to stop racing. Waiting for her heart to stop pounding.

She spent the next five minutes trying in vain to get through a paper Chris had sent her — she had even broken out her neon highlighters — but nothing was working. Thankfully, Chris chose that moment to stick his head out of his office and call to her. “Cass?” Her head perked up. “I’ve got some files to email you, mind coming in for a sec before you leave?” She nodded, pushing out of her chair and crossing the room. 

“How was your day?” Chris asked, pulling up the files to email her. 

“Uh, pretty good!” Cass said. “Fridays are relatively light for me, I had a morning meeting with the law review and then headed over here. Mat and I got sushi last night, so that was nice.”

Chris looked up over his laptop. “You and Mat?”

Cass nodded, brows furrowing. “Yeah. Is that an issue?” It was never something she had bothered considering, but — 

“Not that I can think of, no,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re spending a lot of time together, though, have you noticed that?” 

“Yeah, I mean, we’re friends, but I didn’t think that was a problem—” Chris held up a hand, cutting her off with a smile. 

“I’m not so sure that what Mat wants is a friendship, Cassidy.” He paused. “My son’s about his age, and please feel free to stop me if you’d like, but this is exactly how he acted when he met Iris.” 

“Iris?” Cass questioned. 

“His fiancée. If I’m reading the situation right, and I think I am, the poor boy’s head over heels for you, Cass.” He clicked his mousepad. “Just sent them over, try to go through them by Monday.”

She nodded, seemingly in a daze as she picked up her bag and walked out of the office, pulling out her phone. 

To: Mat

Are you free later?

Oct 28. (sat)

Tapping her foot nervously, Cass fiddled with her phone just to give her hands something to do. They had grabbed breakfast before she had to head to the office and he had to go to morning skate, and she had stolen the check while he was in the bathroom. But she still hadn’t brought up what Chris had said, or for that matter what Les or Samaira or Alicia had been pestering her about for the better part of the past month. 

Mat returned to the table, snapping Cass out of her thoughts. “You ready to head out?” It was only just past nine, so the plan had been to take a walk around Prospect Park before they had to take off. Cass nodded awkwardly, grabbing her coat and scarf from the back of the chair and looping it around her neck. Mat’s brow furrowed in confusion, but if he suspected anything, he didn’t say so. He walked a few steps ahead of Cass, holding the door open for her. They walked in silence for a block or two; not an awkward silence and not a comfortable one, but some kind of strange liminal space in between the two where it was clear that neither of them was really able to read the room. Mat’s knuckles brushed up against her own.

As they crossed the street into the gardens, Cass took a deep breath and looked up at him. It’s now or never. “What are we doing?” She breathed, so softly that Mat wouldn’t have heard if he hadn’t been standing scarcely a foot away. 

“We’re going to a park?” Mat questioned. 

She wrung her hands, trying to avoid looking at him. “I mean, what are we doing. You and I.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t want you to think that I’m reading too much into things, or that I haven’t enjoyed getting to know you and spend time with you because I have, but I just need to know what there is going on between us. If there is anything going on between us.”

Mat shoved his hands into his pockets, leaning up against a lamppost. “I mean, I’d like there to be. I’m into you, Cass, I thought I had made that clear,” he added with a single laugh. Cass gave him a quizzical look. “Do you think I actually needed to come into the office every time I dropped in on you? That I’d ask just anyone for music recs? That I asked you out to coffee or dinner just as friends? Cassidy,” he said, standing upright and taking a tentative step towards her, “I don’t even know Tito’s coffee order. But I know yours.” He took another step forwards when she didn’t move back, faces so close that their noses were almost touching. “I wouldn’t ever want to push you into something you weren’t ready for. But Cass,” he tilted her chin up with his hand, “I’m all in if you are.”

She took a shaky breath, willing the voices inside of her head to still themselves for just one moment so she could gather her thoughts. “Mat, I want this,” Cass said, gesturing between the two of them with one hand, the other wound with frustration in her curls. “You have no idea how much I want this. But I work for the team. We both do. And I can’t have anyone thinking that I’m here for anything but the job, that I’m a puck bunny or will be distracted from my work and go run off with my boyfriend or whatever you are—” She cut herself off abruptly. “Trotz might get mad at you, sure. I don’t think it would really matter on your end, though. You wouldn’t face any actual consequences. I’m expendable to this team. You’re not.”

 Mat’s hand came up to cup her cheek, one thumb swiping away a tear gently, so gently, that she hadn’t even realized had leaked out of her eye. “You’re not expendable, Cass. Not to me, not to the team, not to anyone who’s ever bothered getting to know you. You are such an incredible woman and I know you know it, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like you really believe it. If this is scary for me, and it is, I know it must be downright terrifying for you. And I know you’re worried how it would look, us being together, what the team or Chris or whoever would think, but you need to remember to let your talent speak for itself. If I have a shitty game, miss an easy shot or whatever, there’s always the people who say that Trotz should move me down a line, or that I should be traded, or whatever. And there’s always going to be those people. But if you keep your head in the game—”

“Alright, Troy Bolton,” Cass said, finally giving him a watery smile. 

“You realize that if I’m Troy, you’re Gabriella?” Mat asked, raising one eyebrow, hand still on her cheek as the other perched on her waist. Cass leaned into his touch, wrinkling her nose. “Maybe that was a bad metaphor, but Cass, you’re brilliant. You’re such a good student and you’re so dedicated at work. You’re going to make an incredible lawyer. Everyone sees that. And I absolutely respect that you’re worried about what our relationship might do for your career,” He swallowed hard, skating his hand down her arm to hold her hand. “And I’m not sure what else I could say other than what I already have. But you’re good, so good, and they’d be idiots for letting you go over something like this.”

Cass swallowed. “They say some things are worth the risk.”

“Are we gonna do this?” Mat’s hand moved to the small of her back, leaning down so their lips were almost touching, barely, not quite. 

“We’re gonna do this.” Cass closed the gap. 

[wyntertimes-blog]

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* Getting loose with Ivanka and Jay Kay

* The secret portrait of Karren Brady

* PLUS: Cock rings on the 6 O'Clock News

>> Strange times <<The poll winners' party

It probably won't surprise you to learn that champagne corks were popping at 10pm prompt at the Baby Shard on Thursday night, as the Times and the Sun celebrated the projected result of the exit poll.

It's also unlikely to surprise you to learn that Rupert Murdoch, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton and all the usual News UK suspects were there too, getting their fourth and fifth trolleys of booze brought in to the office by the time Blyth Valley announced.

The one thing that might surprise you though is that in among the revellers was... Cate Blanchett.This year's series of Love Island has taken three of the top ten spots in Ofcom's list of most complained-about shows of 2019.

>> Straight shooter <<Randy Andy makes 'em standy

It's been a bruising few weeks for Prince Andrew since his cataclysmic interview with Emily Maitlis – but he's probably brimming over with remorse and humility now, right?

Erm.

Earlier this month, Handsy Andy went on another of his (straightforward) shooting weekends. At breakfast one morning, everyone else in the party was sat quietly reading the papers when Andy came into the room.

As no-one stood up for him when he entered, he bellowed "OH HO HO! LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN, SHALL WE?" Then walked out of the room and re-entered, so that everyone could oblige him.There's a This Morning team WhatsApp group entitled "We Hate Phillip".

>> Big Questions <<Who's asking what this week?

What could have caused the Mail to pull a recent exclusive of theirs about a French masseuse meeting with Prince Andrew at Buckingham Palace back in 2000? The story made the paper's front page at the end of November but, save for a report of the Mail's report in the New York Post, there's no trace of it online now.If you subscribe to Popbitch, chances are your internet search history is something you'd rather was kept private. Protect yourself online (plus bypass digital censorship) by using a VPN. CyberGhost is currently offering Popbitch readers a 79% discount on its 18 month plan, which protects up to seven devices, for just £2.15 a month.

[Find out more here]

>> Westwood ho <<Getting loose with Ivanka

Before she became the accomplished businesswoman and occasional threat to global security that she is today, Ivanka Trump had teenage ambitions of becoming a fashion model.

Thanks to her family connections, she was seen for a number of jobs in the late 90s and became a bit of a favourite of Vivienne Westwood. Westwood's team used to make a point of letting the models pick the music they put on in the studio as a way of helping them to relax and feel comfortable on a shoot.

Ivanka's choice of music, every single time? Jamiroquai. Which she would then sing along to.

Peanut from the Kaiser Chiefs is preparing to run his 100th park run over the Christmas holidays.

>> Bah humbug <<More drama at the BBC

The BBC is going heavy on trailing their version of A Christmas Carol this year, making a big song and dance out of the fact it stars Guy Pearce, is written by Peaky Blinders' Steven Knight and has been exec produced by Tom Hardy. One person who's been a little left out in the cold though is director Nick Murphy.

Poor Nick was so miffed that the BBC didn't invite him to take part in a special Q&A event about the show that he ended up turning up anyway to rage at the head of BBC Drama there. His ire hasn't just been reserved for TV execs either as he's started taking pot shots at Tom Hardy on Twitter too, claiming that the catering department was more involved in production than Hardy.

There may be some lingering resentment there, as Hardy was set to star in A Christmas Carol (as well as produce) until he suddenly decided to bail out. But if you ask us, Nick, you had a lucky escape.

On set at Hardy and Knight's previous BBC1 collab, Taboo, crew members reported that Hardy wasn't shy about staying in character, stark-bollock naked, for much of the time. And we can only imagine what it would have been like trying to direct with the Ghost of Christmas Past's dick and balls wafting all around.

Nick Cave Watch: Everyone's favourite goth dad was spotted at an Elton John concert in Melbourne this week.

>> Picture this <<More corporate creepiness

One of Jeffrey Epstein's former employees claims that Epstein kept a 6ft portrait of his mysterious 'fixer' Ghislaine Maxwell above the pool in his sprawling New Mexico mansion. Not just any old portrait though. One of her naked and "posing provocatively".

He wouldn't be the first icky businessman to have had a life-size nudey portrait of a close associate on their wall though. West Ham's porn-purveying chairman, David Sullivan, was once well known in the football world for having a huge painting hung in his basement office.

Of his now Vice-Chairman at West Ham FC, Dame Karren Brady.Andy Coulson has been advised by friends that having his own name in his new PR firm (Coulson Partners) is enough to stop most major organisations from hiring them. So far it's advice that he (and his ego) seem unwilling to take.

>> Shaky casting <<Merry Christmas everyone!

This year's bleak seasonal murder drama, Responsible Child (based on the real life story of a 14 year-old killer who was tried as an adult and jailed) has been getting rave reviews.

Whether it was the shocking nature of the story, or the impressive performance of the child actor who inhabited the role, we couldn't tell you, but for some reason most of the reviews have failed to mention the most important thing about the production.

The kid who plays the murderer is the grandson of Shakin' Stevens.

This week's Media Masters podcast is a chat with historian and broadcaster David Starkey. His outspoken, unforgiving style and trenchant opinions have earned him a reputation as being "the rudest man in Britain". In this in-depth interview he explains the impact it's had over his career.

[Listen/Download on Media Masters]

>> One love <<The race for Xmas No.1

Now that The X Factor is an utterly spent force, and December streaming is dominated by seasonal classics, the annual race for Christmas No.1 has become a much more unpredictable beast.

Re-releases are subjected to permanent ACR restrictions ('Accelerated Chart Ratio') with streaming, which basically means that old, established classics have to generate twice the number of streams as new tracks in order to compete. (Without this, three of the top four last Friday would have been Mariah Carey, Wham! and The Pogues.)

So who's in the running this year? There's another tedious song about sausage rolls from Ladbaby (hideous; but for a good cause). There's the inevitable Ed Sheeran (this year on Stormzy's record). And of course, there's the now traditional Facebook campaign choice.

Facebook campaigns are a bit of a lost cause but it has to be said: of all the songs that the British public could have picked to champion this year, Jarvis Cocker's "(Cunts Are Still) Running The World", is a pretty good one.

[Join the campaign]

REO Speedwagon's original of Can't Fight This Feeling has been streamed more than Bastille's John Lewis ad cover since its release in mid-November.

>> Electile dysfunction <<Another cock up on the Beeb

On election day, there are very strict rules in the UK which forbid news organisations from discussing politics until polling is closed. Which means that news teams have to ignore the biggest story of the day and compile their news bulletins from whatever innocuous filler they can drum up instead.

As part of their non-political Six O'Clock News broadcast last Thursday, BBC1 chose to air an item about the postal service and people sending tiny items in oversized parcels. Alas, it seems there was a very good reason that the Six O'Clock News hadn't touched that story previously.

One of the parcels that was prominently displayed as part of the pre-watershed segment clearly showed a cock ring.Nominative Determinism of the Week: The Senior doorkeeper of the House of Commons... Phil Howse!

>> 2019: The Annual <<A last little gift from us

That's almost it for another year. We've got a couple of special issues to send out between now and 2020, so we'll be back in your inboxes before the New Year. But if you want to sink your teeth into some more Popbitch material over the Christmas holidays, then download our 2019 annual.

It's totally free, and features some of our favourite stories of the year. Print it off at work! Use it as last-minute wrapping paper! Give a copy to your most corruptible niece or nephew!

[Get it here]

And if you enjoy it – or have enjoyed any of the last 52 weeks of Popbitch – and feel like tossing a few quid into our Santa hat for a Christmas pint then we'd be ever so grateful.

[Donate here]

LAST CHANCE BEFORE XMAS: Anyone who donates £10 or more to this year's fundraiser is eligible to download a special play-at-home edition of the Popbitch Popquiz. We'll email you a digital pack with all the answer sheets, question packs and puzzle pages you need to host your own quiz.

[Donate to Popbitch here]

>> Hmmms <<Cats, dogs, Muppets

Rowan Atkinson deepfaked Dior advert

[Ready to lose your libido?]

The reviews of Cats are restoring our faith and trust in journalism

[Read on Prospect]

Picture of dogs in mid-air, catching frisbees

[Cute: what more do you want?]

Need to stock up on wine before the holidays kick off? Naked Wines is offering Popbitch readers the chance to get a case of six sumptuous bottles, plus free delivery, for just £19.99.

[Get your orders in soon!]

What do you get for the man who has everything?

[Try an annual Wank-Pass]

40 years since the Muppets/John Denver Christmas special

[Watch on YouTube]

A crash course in the 100 most memorable memes of the decade

[Read on BuzzFeed]

The real life, bricks-and-mortar Popbitch Popquiz will return in January. Don't let dry January stop you having any fun. Join us at Smiths of Smithfield for another seven rounds of trivia, music and smut with our host, Tom Webb!

[Tuesday 14th January]

[Tuesday 28th January]

Thanks to: JM, bunkle, CA, JC, Party_B, ST, T, JM, BB, CA, RT, MC, bobbi_fleckmann, EC, intheissynoho, MC, AM

Old Jokes Home

I just smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry.

I lost Ctrl.

Still Bored?

If you've already read this year's annual and fancy revisiting some previous years, the last five years' worth are free to download on the Popbitch site throughout December...

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 You subscribed to the Popbitch Newsletter which usually comes out on Thursdays.

If you would not like to receive any further issues to wintersstevens1995@gmail.com you can unsubscribe 

@skippyv20 @yankeewally

[artistic-writer]

Sparking the Pavement :: CS Moto GP AU :: E

Title: Sparking the Pavement by @artistic-writer Rating: E (eventually) Summary: Killian Jones has everything he has ever dreamed of.  He likes fast bikes and even faster women, that is until almost losing his brother makes him rethink his life choices.  And then a chance encounter with a blonde bombshell on the race track gives him the chance to change and find love, but as usual, team politics get in the way and for the first time in his life, Killian can’t just get what he wants.  Moto GP racing AU. A/N: Ch 2! Sorry for the delay guys, my real life has been a bit...stressful to say the least, but here it is! Much thanks to @hollyethecurious who agreed to beta this, and to @doodlelolly0910 who regularly listens to me ranting about wanting to write when my fingers don’t want to work.

Taglist: @resident-of-storybrooke @hollyethecurious @kmomof4 @hookedonapirate @winterbaby89 @courtorderedcake @initiala @cocohook38 @branlovesouat @teamhook @snidgetsafan @sherlockianwhovian @shireness-says @wingedlioness @lenfaz @therooksshiningknight @ilovemesomekillianjones @bmbbcs4evr @blowmiakisscolin @deathbycaptainswan @onceuponaprincessworld @chinawoodfan  @seriouslyhooked @snowbellewells @wordsmith-storyweaver @jennjenn615 @delightfully-difficult-pirate @doodlelolly0910 @tiganasummertree @hookedmom @thejollyroger-writer @rachie1940 @unworried-corsair @cs-forlife @notoriouscs @killian-whump @darkcolinodonorgasm @mariakov81 @strangestarlighttree 

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Emma Swan had endured. Her life had been a rollercoaster of ups and downs beginning with the death of her mother when she was just five years old, something that set her father into a protective frenzy. She could barely breathe with how much he loved her, not letting her out of his sight for even a second. Emma woke up, she went to school, and she came home. Anything else in between was always under her father’s watchful eye down to every minute of the day.

Emma’s family were the Nolan’s and they had carved their name out in the motorcycle world by making some of the best quality crash helmets any racer could own since 1988. David Nolan had started the company after his twin brother, James, had been killed during the famous Isle of Man Tourist Trophy race. The TT, as it is known, is one of the most dangerous motorcycle races in the world, having taken the lives of over two hundred riders since it began in 1907. James’ helmet had been poor quality, the impact of his head with the asphalt at such a high-speed something he would never recover from.

David and James had a bond, a twin bond, that was severed the instant James’ heart had stopped. David had been unable to fly to the Isle of Man that week because of Emma’s school commitments, but he knew the second his brother had died without even so much as a phone call. The TT is one of the most gruelling road races of its kind. Thirty-eight miles of winding roads around the island that have killed both riders and spectators because of the unpredictability of the circuit, weather, and unmaintained terrain, and now James was just another statistic.

High velocity impact trauma resulting in death. That was how her uncle died, officially, on paper. Emma remembers that day like it was yesterday because it hadn’t been long after her mother’s death. Her father’s soul already crushed from the loss of his wife, she wasn’t sure he could take anymore, so she let him smother her for a time, knowing that it was all that was keeping him going. The Nolan crash helmet company was founded some months later and it gave David a renewed sense of purpose that he needed more than anything.

Emma, on the other hand, although happy for her father, was lost. She wasn’t like other girls. Her whole life she had been allowed to do whatever she liked, as long as it was safe, but that wasn’t what Emma wanted. She wanted excitement, thrills, action, and so, through contacts her family company had made in the business, she began riding motorbikes.

It was exhilarating. The wind in her hair as it pulled strands from beneath her leathers and whipped at the shaded visor of her helmet. The way her spine shook as she leaned over the fuel tank, the vibrations of the engine shaking every bone in her body, and the way her heart beat in time with the movement of the pistons between her legs. It was everything Emma had wanted, her escape, her refuge, and when road bikes became too mundane, she set her sights on bigger prizes.

It didn’t take Emma long to get her foot on the racing ladder. She dropped her father’s name a few times, his prestige enough for people to take her seriously when, as a tiny, blonde haired wisp of a woman, she had guaranteed her abilities to some of the sponsors. And she was as good as she promised, at first in small time with the odd race here or there when she could slip away from her father’s protective net he had cast around her life.

But she was a one of a kind and it quickly became evident just how brilliant Emma Nolan was.

She changed her name, without telling her father, to continue to soar under his radar. Emma knew that it wouldn’t be long before somebody in the racing world put two and two together and realised, that with the surname Nolan, she was David’s daughter. She changed it to Swan in the late 90’s and continued to race her way through the ranks just like she had dreamed of.

The world of motorcycle racing is not like any other sport on the planet. It is unique in the fact that there is no gender split, or prejudice, and both men and women race on equal terms. It’s unusual to see many women in the sport, and Emma wanted to change that. The lowest class, Moto3, was a breeze. The small engines were no match for Emma’s ability, her weight distribution almost perfect because of her size against the power of the 125cc engine, and soon she was being headhunted for Moto2 before she even had a title under her belt.

Everybody wanted a piece of Emma Swan. She was approached by no less than four different teams in 2000, all wanting to represent who they felt would be the first female MotoGP championship winner. It had never been done before, and whilst Emma couldn’t wait to rise up to the next level in the Grand Prix competition, she never would.

Ducati, another big name in the race scene, decided to offer Emma the best incentive for her abilities. They were also one of the only teams to not use Nolan helmets for all their riders, so Emma’s secret would be hidden for a while longer. She wasn’t scared of her father finding out, but she wanted to be in the top ranks before he did, because then there would be no way back for her and he would have to support her. Maybe it was a little bit like blackmail, but Emma knew her father wouldn’t be able to cut her career short if she was so invested.

Ducati already had an established team of riders, and even though they were not winning big in 1999, their two front runners had won them enough to stay just above last place. Neal Cassidy and Oswald ‘Oz’ Walsh were the one/two riders for Ducati, and the season had just ended when Emma was signed. The second the guys laid eyes on their new team mate they were impressed with both her beauty and her talent, and when she gave them both the flirtatious cold shoulder, they were smitten. That was, until pre-trial times showed that Emma was consistently faster than Walsh and the team decided to bump him to third rider status before the season had even begun.

The team that Ducati announced for the 2000 season was Neal Cassidy and Emma Swan and it wasn’t long before Ducati was a team up in the top tier of Moto2 once more, and it wasn’t long before, in the thrill of winning, Emma and Neal became an item. Neal was more than just her teammate. He had become Emma’s first love, sharing every win with her, celebrating in both the pit lane and in the privacy of their trailers. It was whirlwind by romance standards and in the buzz, Emma was blindsided by Walsh’s growing greed right under her nose.

Before long, Emma was at one with the bike given to her by her team, and was surpassing Cassidy in every race. Cassidy was becoming second to not only his second rider, but also his girlfriend, something that did not escape the attention of Walsh. He had never had a problem coming second to Cassidy and was happy to take the second seat. He still got paid, he was still making money from sponsors, but when Emma started winning, less and less people knew his name.

Walsh wanted to be back where he was. His revenue was drying up and where other people were being offered contracts for the next season, he was not. No one came knocking on his door, no one was calling his cell phone, and the only way he was going to get his name back out there, was if Emma wasn’t racing anymore. She was Ducati’s top rider and if Walsh wanted to be back in the team’s good graces, something had to be done.

--

“Think about it,” Walsh whispered into the shell on Neal’s ear as the music around them throbbed out its beat. “I’m just saying-”

“I know what you’re saying,” Neal snapped, a little irritated. Walsh had been going on and on about getting his second seat back all night and it was starting to wear Neal’s nerves thin.

“Then listen to what I’m saying,” Walsh added, slapping his friend on the shoulder. “If she can’t race then that means we can.”

Neal studied his fellow rider with a raised eyebrow. “Obviously,” Neal said with a roll of his eyes. He rolled his fingers over the cold outside of the tumbler glass he was caressing idly, the drink inside starting to warm under his touch. “That’s how race politics work, Oz.”

“Don’t you miss it?” Walsh continued eagerly, leaning forward over the grubbing dive bar table between them. “The crowds chanting your name, the feeling you get when they wave that chequered flag for you.”

Neal gave Walsh a sideways sneer and snorted a laugh through his nose. “How would you know what that feels like?”

Walsh ground his teeth in frustration, his fist balling beside his now empty glass. “I’m just saying-”

“Damn it, Oz, I know what you are saying!” Neal roared. The bar fell silent, all eyes on the two men huddled in the corner for a few seconds before resuming its usual activity none the wiser.

“Do you hear me though?” Walsh insisted desperately.

“Loud and clear,” Neal scoffed. He threw his head back and poured the last remaining remnants of his drink into his mouth, swallowing the tiny amount with disappointment. “What do you propose?”

Walsh grinned, his teammate’s attention full grabbed. “You know these piss tests they make us take?” He nodded eagerly. Neal glanced his way with a narrowed stare. “You can’t race without a clean result, right?”

Neal laughed in the back of his throat, a grunt escaping his mouth. “You know as well as I do, Emma would never jeopardize the chance to race.”

“Not willingly.” Walsh’s words drew Neal’s full attention, his tongue tracing the point of his canine.

“Go on,” Neal nodded.

“The next two races are back to back, so there is no time in between to celebrate a win properly. At the next race, you let Emma win,” Walsh continued quickly, his finger drawing insignificant lines along the dark surface of the table.

“No one lets Emma Swan win,” Neal laughed.

“And then, during the after party, she drinks too much, fails the piss test and you and I get a seat upgrade.” Walsh’s grin was pure elation, like a chimp with a banana.

“Emma would never drink before a race,” Neal said definitely, waving a finger at the barman for another drink.

“Not intentionally,” Walsh shrugged. “But maybe her boyfriend can persuade her to take a sip.” His hand dug into his inner jacket pocket and pulled out a small, folded piece of paper. He pressed it to the table, sliding it across to Neal who eyed it suspiciously before lifting one of the flaps and spying the small pill inside. It was oval in shape, chalky and would easily disappear into the bubbles of a celebratory glass of champagne.

“Maybe I can,” Neal agreed in a small voice, a grin spreading over his features as he screwed the paper back up in his palm.

--

It wasn’t a plan that Neal thought they could get away with, but it did appeal to him. Neal had already been approached by Ducati’s MotoGP division for the next season, depending on how he finished his current season. So the real question was, did he want to race alongside his friend, who he knew he could beat and would win a title easily, or his girlfriend, who was a far better rider than he ever would be? The plan was simple and his only role would be getting Emma to partake in his drink. She would never have one of her own but she might be tempted by a charismatic smile and a boyish wink from her boyfriend. And she was.

After winning the mid-season race in first place, the team threw a party for her success and Emma was more than happy to attend, sipping bottled water for the entire evening. The next race was the very next day, a gruelling mid-season back to back that tested the limits of every rider on the track. A race was physically and mentally demanding on every rider, so Emma had established early in her career that she would do her utmost to ensure victory each time.

If only she was as strong as she thought she was.

Emma trusted too easily and it was perhaps her biggest flaw in character, something she had inherited from her mother. Walsh had approached them with two glasses, handing one to Neal with a slight nod. A kind face and a smile from Neal was all she needed to lift the glass to her lips and take a sip of the bubbling champagne, a celebratory tipple Neal said she deserved. It tasted good, fizzing on her tongue, but when she swallowed there was an aftertaste of something she didn’t recognise. She had searched her boyfriend’s face for an answer, but it became blurred through the haze of her eyes and the next thing Emma remembered was her disqualification from the next race.

Heartbroken didn’t describe how she felt. Rules were rules, and somehow, despite two extra tests that she insisted on, Emma’s urine analysis said that she was under the influence of drugs. It was impossible. Emma didn’t do drugs. She was a highly tuned athlete; she ran, she swam, she cycled and barely even drank alcohol. And then it all came back to her in a flash of blinding white light.

Walsh had handed Neal the drink. Neal had persuaded her to take a sip.

Before Emma had time to confront them both about how they had sabotaged her, there was an accident. Neal had taken the first rider spot, her rightful place, and Walsh had taken second, but in his arrogance had managed to high side his bike not even halfway through the race. A twist of his wrist had increased his acceleration out of the corner too quickly, his back wheel losing traction before suddenly regaining it again, the torque along the bike’s axis enough to throw Walsh clean over the handlebars.

He would have survived, had he not held onto the throttle, wrenching his shoulder out of its socket and rendering it useless. His limb flopped around as he had flown through the air, landing on the asphalt head first with an almighty thud right into the path of his own bike. Walsh had no chance. The motorbike was still at full speed and his leatherbound ragdoll body was no match for the force applied to it on impact.

Walsh’s death didn’t matter to Emma, but it did to the team. They needed a second rider to finish the season and when asked, Emma said she would have to think about it. First, she wanted to confront Neal, her so-called boyfriend, about how and why he and Walsh had felt it prevalent to wreck her chances at a championship title. She got it.

“No one remembers second place, and I sure as hell ain’t coming second to you. When the season is over, the only name people will be chanting from the stands is Cassidy. Not Swan.”

The more Emma listened to him the more she realised what kind of man her boyfriend was. He was small and manipulative and he would even stoop so low as to blame a dead man, insinuating that Walsh was responsible for her disqualification during the last race. His true colours showed on his face, in his excusatory words, and Emma was nothing if not good at reading people.

She could spot a scumbag a mile away, and Neal was definitely that.

Even worse, he looked her dead in the eye and told her that no one would believe her. It was her word against his and he wasn’t saying a word that might jeopardize his race career.

Emma never raced professionally after that.

It took her two years to find her passion again. Emma felt cheated by the racing world and turned her back on it, but the bug never left her. There was something missing in her life. It was more than a want, it was a basic need to be going fast again. A need to feel the engine against her thighs and her chest pressed against the fuel tank again, body as flat as it could be so that there was almost no wind resistance to slow her down.

Emma missed bikes, the smell of fuel and oil, even the way her cheeks got squashed inside of her helmet, but she couldn't go back to racing, not all the while Neal Cassidy was on the circuits. Two years had been enough time for Neal to make it up to MotoGP and for Emma to leave behind what had happened between them, but the yearning for bikes never left her and she spent the next year training to be a mechanic.

It was easier for Emma than it was for most. She knew bikes like the back of her hand, inside and out, and she could take them apart and put them back together again with her eyes closed. Mechanic school was a piece of cake. Getting a job after she graduated was the hard part. Neal hadn’t just sullied her good name in racing, but he had managed to get her ghosted by the entire race world, and nobody would hire a junkie. Luckily for her, she had completed all of her qualifications in the surname of Nolan, so all she needed was a little help.

[pcwpolwrestling]

The Go-Home Show for Loose Cannons Unleashed: PCW Extreme Political TV

THIS WEEK ON EXTREME POLITICAL TV -It’s the final show before Loose Cannons Unleashed -Nicholas Tarkowski has an evening of podiatry -PCW Women’s Champion Yosemite Samantha learns who her opponent at Loose Cannons Unleashed will be: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot or C.J. Lewis -Champion of the Political Universe #1 Contender’s Match: Charlie Blackwell vs. Ultimate Social Justice Warrior

================================

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Blue background. The top of the Capitol Building occupies the left hand side of the television screen.

Centered in the middle of the screen: “P-SPAN. THE POLITICAL CHANNEL.”]

P-SPAN Announcer (off screen): The P-SPAN Network bring you long-form public affairs programming from the nation’s capital and are a public service of…

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Logos of twenty three different cable and satellite television companies replace the Capitol Building and P-SPAN graphic.]

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): …your television provider.

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Returns to the blue background with the top of the Capitol Building occupying the left hand side of the television screen with “P-SPAN. THE POLITICAL CHANNEL.” centered in the middle of the screen.]

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): P-SPAN. The Political Channel.

===============================

Johnny Suave (voiceover): Last week on PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN, Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) intern Nicholas Tarkowski returns for a third straight week to bring ‘oversight’ to PCW.

REPLAY: Nicholas Tarkowski with PCW Owner Dawn McGill

Nicholas Tarkowski: Mr. Nadler says if I don’t come back this time with some dirt on you and PCW, then I can kiss my internship goodbye.

McGill puts her arm around him.

Dawn McGill: I’m sure we can find some dirt for you.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Tarkowski would later find the dirt he was looking for…

REPLAY: Tarkowski Searches McGill’s Office

Tarkowski looks through her bag and finds pictures inside. His eyes widen (looking at the pictures) and then finds a letter. His eyes widen again (thinking about the ramifications).

Tarkowski pulls out his cell phone and dials Nadler.

Nicholas Tarkowski (excitedly): Mr. Nadler? I think I’ve got it!

Johnny Suave (v/o): We’ll get back to what happened afterwards in a few minutes. Also last week:

Buzz Aldrin destroyed Conspiracy Theory Guy.

CNN’s Jim Acosta gets royally pissed that CEO of the Political Universe Donald Trump wouldn’t pay any attention to him.

Then the big tag match…

REPLAY: TAG TEAM #1 CONTENDER’S MATCH-The Sports Entertainment Coalition (‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams) vs. The Dork Dynasty (Leonard and Sheldon Robertson)

Leonard hits another sling blade and runs the ropes. Miller ducks a lariat. He pushes Leonard towards the other side.

*WHAM*

Dickinson potatoes Leonard with a steel folding chair.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson snuck in and just walloped H-Bomb with the chair.

Williams yanks Sheldon off the ring apron and slams him into the ring post. Miller gets Leonard to his feet and stands back to back. He lifts him up and bends over, slamming Leonard to the mat.

Johnny Suave: SOUTHERN CROSS!

Miller hooks the leg. Referee in for the count. One. Two. THREE!

*DING-DING-DING*

Johnny Suave (v/o): So, it will be the SEC versus Rah and Halitosis for the PCW Tag Team title at Loose Cannons Unleashed.

This went down during the PCW Television title match between Big Oil from Jill Berg Enterprises and Heartland champion Jack Fraiser ©.

REPLAY: Heartland Title Match- Jack Fraiser versus Big Oil of Jill Berg Enterprises

Big Oil gets back up but Fraiser’s Oootlander Blaire Rendell slips into the ring and smacks him in the back with a steel chair.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Big Oil staggers. Fraiser small packages him…one…two…Big Oil kicks out and gets back to his feet. Then he gets tackled from behind.

Johnny Suave: THAT’S ‘REDNECK’ BILL DICKINSON! IT’S THE S-E-C!

‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson “The 330 Pound Southern Brawler.” ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams attack Big Oil and Jill Berg Enterprises.

Dickinson mounts Big Oil and pounds him with fists.

Miller clips Tanaka’s leg and then drives Walstreit head first into the steel barricade.

Williams locks P.M.C. Banks in the Devil’s Triangle and chokes him out.

Johnny Suave: Well? We knew ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann was waiting for the right opportunity. He got it tonight.

==============================

PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN Monday April 1st, 2019 Mayo Civic Center Rochester, MN

Announcer: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave ==============================

The camera pans all over the Mayo Civic Center as PCW is on the air!

Spotlights move back and forth through the crowd.

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Cut to ringside where ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave stands inside the ring.

Johnny Suave: Hello everyone! Welcome to Political Championship Wrestling!

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Johnny Suave: I am Johnny Suave. ‘Low Level New York Times Report Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder will not be here tonight because she’s been banned after all the Russian Collusion stuff that went down last week. Tonight, we are at the Mayo Civic Center in Rochester, Minnesota for another night of political wrestling action!

Suave says with less one week to go before Loose Cannons Unleashed, tonight we will fit in the final piece of the puzzle.

Johnny Suave: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot will meet former Hooter’s waitress turned pro wrestler C.J. Lewis tonight. The winner gets the SEC’s Christa Carmondy at Loose Cannons Unleashed for the Women’s title.

Suave runs down the PCW portion of the Loose Cannons Unleashed card…

LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED CARD (as of now)

PCW Title Match ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism © vs. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott

PCW Women’s Title Match Yosemite Samantha © vs. The winner of the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot vs. ‘former Hooter’s waitress’ C.J. Lewis

PCW Tag Team Title Match The Island of Misfit Wrestler: Rah and Halitosis © vs. The Sports Entertainment Coalition: ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams

But first, Suave goes to PCW owner Dawn McGill’s earlier arrival at the Mayo Civic Center.

EARLIER TONIGHT McGill exits her rental vehicle. In one hand, she has her carrying bag. In the other, she appears to have a whip.

Nicholas Tarkowski also exits the car. He absolutely does not want to be there. Why?

REPLAY: The Final Insult

Adam Schiff (CA-Progressive Alliance) calls out Dawn McGill and Corrina Romanov. Schiff states he doesn’t care what Robert Mueller says, he’s found proof of Russian Collusion right here in PCW. He accuses McGill of being blackmailed by Russian referee Romanov into giving her job back and giving her a promotion.

Jerry Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) says Tarkowski found evidence in McGill’s office of Russian Collusion. Salacious photos of McGill and a letter that references both McGill and Romanov demanding money.

The Guild of Low-Level Reporters and Conservative Inc. both believe it’s collusion.

Jerry Nadler: There’s collusion all right…there’s collusion everywhere, I tell ya…everywhere!

Now the spotlight turns to McGill and Romanov.

Dawn McGill: it’s not Russian Collusion, you dolt. It’s a makeover. Both Corrina and myself got makeovers.

McGill holds up the ‘letter demanding money.’

Dawn McGill: This is a ‘past due’ letter from the spa because…oops…I forgot to pay the bill on time.

McGill holds up one of the ‘compromising’ photos.

Dawn McGill: And this is a photo from a recent photoshoot I had taken to celebrate the fact that I’ve lost over thirty pounds…

Tarkowski just wants to go home and crawl into a hole.

Dawn McGill: No. You snuck into my office when I wasn’t there and rifled through my stuff. It’s not going to be that easy.

Nicholas Tarkowski: But-

*CRRRACK*

Tarkowski jumps several inches into the air at the sound of McGill’s whip cracking by his ear.

Dawn McGill (in no mood to debate this): Now!

McGill leads the former intern past the half-hearted protest from the Guild of Low Level Reporters Trying to Make a Name for Themselves: Colleen Crowder (NY Times), Dan Miller (Washington Post), and Sharon Johns (CNN)…

The Guild (monotone, unenergetic): Let us in…let us in…

…and enters the building.

Cut back to Suave.

Johnny Suave: What does McGill have in mind for Tarkowski tonight?

*CRRRACK*

Nicholas Tarkowski’s Voice: ARARRGGHHHHHH!

Johnny Suave: We’re going to find out soon enough. Back after these messages.

========================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

A package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesomely Awesome Beef Jerky is superimposed in the middle of a supermarket checkout line.

Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesomely Awesome Beef Jerky presents *BLEEP*-ing with McGill.

Dawn McGill is pushing a shopping cart towards the express register for 10 items and under. Her four year old daughter Eva is riding inside the cart. Just as she’s about to reach the cashier, some guy barges through with a full shopping cart and literally pushes the other customers out of his way. He bangs into Dawn’s cart and cuts in front of her.

Eva McGill: Ow, Mommy! That man ran into us!

Dawn McGill: It’s okay, dear.   I’m sure it was just an accident-

The guy then turns to Dawn and sneers.

Jerk Man: Hey, do you mind keeping your kid quiet. I’m in a hurry here.

Dawn begins to fume as the man turns back around and starts loading up the express lane with his groceries. Of course, the express lane register isn’t built for people with an overabundance of groceries so he quickly runs out of space to put his stuff.

The guy then turns on the poor girl running the register.

Jerk Man: Come on, let’s go! I don’t have all day.

Finally, Dawn taps the man on the back of his shoulder.

He whips around.

Jerk Man (nearly shouting): WHAT-oooooooooof…

Dawn knees him in the groin. Then she takes a side headlock and DDT’s the jerk on the hard grocery store floor.

The surrounding customers waiting in line break out in applause.

Final scene: a package of Skank Mitchell’s Awesomely Awesome Beef Jerky superimposed over the man unconscious on the ground with blood coming out of his forehead.

Announcer: Skank Mitchell’s Awesomely Awesome Beef Jerky. Feed your irrationally foolish side.

========================

PCW ON THE ROAD April 6th – Loose Cannons Unleashed PPV @ the D.C. Armory / Washington, D.C. April 12th – Buccaneer Arena / Urbandale, IA April 13th – McLeod Center / Cedar Rapids, IA April 14th – McElroy Auditorium / Waterloo, IA April 19th – Owensboro Sportscenter / Owensburo, KY April 20th – SIU Arena / Carbondale, IL April 21st – Gibson Arena / Rolla, MO April 27th – Berry Events Center / Marquette, MI May 3rd – BMO Harris Bank Center / Rockford, IL May 4th – Joseph J. Gentile Center / Chicago, IL May 5th – Grossinger Motors Arena / Bloomington, IL

========================

Johnny Suave: We are back. Let’s go backstage for this word from the SEC.

SEC SEGMENT At the Corporate Sports-entertainment Programming Nation’s special SEC-only set backstage, Reese Anderson and Rebecca Morris first bring out the challengers in next week’s PCW Tag Team Title match between the champions Island of Misfit Wrestlers…Rah and ‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis and the SEC’s ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams and ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller.

‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller HT: 6’ 0” WT: 240 / HOME: Columbus, GA FIN: Southern Cross

‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams HT: 6’ 2” WT: 252 / HOME: Wemberly, TX FIN: Devil’s Triangle (Triangle Choke)

Williams and Miller come out with a…victory cake?

‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams: That’s right. We know that come hell or high water, the SEC is leaving the ring next week as the new PCW Tag Team champions.

‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller: It ain’t premature if it actually happens. We’re exhausted from training. We’ve put the time in. It’s going to be an open and shut thing. Make my words, we are the next PCW Tag Team champions.

Williams says they’ll take Rah and Halitosis on now and save them the trouble of showing up at MVWA 89. Miller adds that Rah and Halitosis are too chicken to show up here and-

‘The Luchador with Insanely Poor Oral Hygiene’ Halitosis HT: 5’8, WT: 170 / HOME: Chattanooga, TN FIN: Breath of Death

Rah!: The Sunshine God – motivational speaker by day. Pseudo deity complete with eclectic entourage by night. HT: 6’-8” WT: 295 / HOME: San Diego, CA FIN: Eye of RAHHHHHHH! (Jackknife Powerbomb)

And as if they were magically summoned, Rah and Halitosis appear on the set.

Rah slams Williams face into the ‘victory’ cake.

Halitosis unleashes his horrible bad breath on Miller. Miller grabs his throat and falls off the set.

Regina McGill rips the microphone away from Rebecca Morris while Halitosis shoulder blocks Anderson off the set.

Regina McGill: Well, the party seems to be winding down Rebecca. But it feels so good to be here tonight in Rochester, Minnesota!

McGill says the SEC will be formidable. But if they think Rah and Halitosis are just going to hand their belts over to them at Loose Cannons Unleashed, they are dead wrong.

Regina McGill: We wouldn’t standing here today if we simply gave up at the first sight of adversity. We’ll see you next week. Take our titles…if you can.

Cut back to Suave.

Johnny Suave: The SEC have a ton of momentum on their side right now. But do not underestimate Rah and Halitosis. Both Rah and Halitosis has made a career over being underestimated. They’ve played the underdog role and parlayed that into championships. And Rah is in the best shape of his career.

DAWN McGILL’S OFFICE The camera is situated behind McGill. She reclines comfortably in a black Barcalounger Coss II Wall Proximity Hugger Lay Flat Recliner Chair with a wash cloth covering her eyes, her right foot propped up on the foot rest and adorned with cotton balls in between each toe and the left foot soaking in a foot bath. We see a pair of hands carefully applying red polish to Dawn’s toenails.

Her phone buzzes. Dawn answers.

Dawn McGill: Okay. Send them in.

The door opens and in walks Pelosi (CA-Progressive Alliance) and Grassley (IA-American Patroits). Both stop midway and gaze at something off camera with weird expressions.

The camera pulls back. It’s Nicholas Tarkowski who’s painting Dawn’s toenails and taking great care not to get any polish on her skin.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay. I’m sure there’s something wrong with what I’m watching but I don’t have time to talk about it.

Getting right to business, Pelosi and Grassley have a HUGE favor to ask of McGill tonight.

Dawn McGill: A HUGE favor?

Pelosi explains. The #1 contendership for the Political Universal Title is a complete mess.

Dawn McGill: Wait. I’m sorry, didn’t we have a match here last week that the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior walked out of in a snit?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes. But he did so in protest of you throwing the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals out of the building.

McGill says that should settle the issue then.

Pelosi tries to defuse the situation.

Nancy Pelosi: Charlie Blackwell has already agreed to redo the match.

Grassley confirms Blackwell has indeed agreed to redo the match on the condition that there’s no Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals chicanery and the match is held here.

After a quick two seconds to think about it, McGill agrees. Then her head snaps around…

Dawn McGill: Dammit Nicholas! There better not be any polish anywhere other than on that toenail!

Nicholas Tarkowski: Sorry. Miss McGill. Sir-er-ma’am.

Cut back to Suave at the broadcast desk.

Johnny Suave: You know, I would be willing to volunteer for that job.

Suave moves on to the #1 contender’s match for the PCW Women’s title.

Johnny Suave: Both Lani Harlot and C.J. Lewis have worked real hard to become good at what they do. They are not the most polished wrestlers. They’re still a little rough around the edges. But Harlot and Lewis have built themselves up into the PCW Women’s title picture.  And the winner here tonight faces Yosemite Samantha for the title.

Suave sends it to Kimber Marshall in the ring.

MATCH #1/PCW WOMEN’S TITLE #1 CONTENDER’S MATCH: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot vs. ‘Former Hooter’s Waitress’ C.J. Lewis PCW Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall is in the middle of the ring and ready to go.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen! Our first match tonight is a one fall-

Crowd: ONE fall!

*“Shake Your Foundations”- AC/DC*

Lewis slinks out wearing her “Hooter’s half t-shirt on the ramp.

‘Former Hooter’s Waitress’ C.J. Lewis AGE: 31 / HT: 5’7 WT: 135 / HOME: Conway, NH FIN: Last Round

Lewis heads down to the ring.

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent.

*“Queen of My Double-Wide Trailer”- Sammy Kershaw*

The White Trash Posse lead the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot out to the ring.

‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot AGE: 33 / HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 118 / HOME: Magnolia, AR FIN: White Trash Compactor VALETS: The White Trash Posse (Shayne and Jaxson)

*DING-DING*

Both women waste no time and exchange heavy blows. Harlot cleans Lewis’s clock and the match quickly degenerates into an all-out free-for-all with no structure whatsoever.

Johnny Suave: This is a brawl- which is a typical Lani Harlot match.

Harlot appears to have the momentum on their side when she unceremoniously dumps Lewis out of the ring. The White Trash Posse (Shayne and Jaxson then get in a few cheap shots on Lewis outside the ring and toss her back in. Harlot lines Lewis up for her submission hold- “The White Trash Compactor.”

Johnny Suave: She’s got Lewis set up. Can Lewis escape?

Yes. At the last second. Lewis tries to play keep away long enough to clear her head and walks right into a Harlot clothesline and falls on her back with a splat. Harlot goes top turnbuckle.   She leaps from the top of the turnbuckle and splashes Lewis.

Johnny Suave: Harlot is all over Lewis. Lewis is having a hard time getting any offense in.

Harlot hooks the legs. One…two…Lewis kicks out. Harlot again hooks the legs. One…two…again Lewis kicks out. Then Harlot blatantly chokes her. The referee tells her break the hold or she’ll be disqualified. This provokes Harlot to the point where she yells back at him but finally complies with the referee and releases Lewis. Lewis can barely get back to her feet. The White Trash Posse get up on the ring apron and jaw with the referee. Harlot sneaks out of the ring and swipes a steel folding chair from ringside. The crowd, sensing that Lewis has no clue what was going on behind her, stands and tries to warn her as Harlot raises the chair in the air with two hands and blasts Lewis over the head with it.

Crowd: HOLY @#$#! HOLY @#$#!

Lewis lingers on her feet for a couple seconds and then collapses to the mat.   Why didn’t the referee see that? He’s still arguing with the White Trash Posse. Harlot covers…one…two…NO!

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! HOW DID C.J. LEWIS KICK OUT OF THAT?

Angry, Harlot cinches in the White Trash Compactor. The referee asks her if she wants to give up. Lewis frantically shakes her head no.

Johnny Suave: It’s not looking good for C.J. Lewis but she’s really close to the ropes.

Lewis tries to free her arms but Harlot has them tightly pulled behind her.

Thunderbolt throws it to a commercial break and promises the conclusion of the match when they return.

=======================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

PCW RANKINGS

PCW Title Champion: The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism #1 Contender: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott Contenders ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (Les Miserables) ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson (SEC) Ken Worth-American Trucker (Truckin’ Average Company)

PCW Women’s Title Champion: Yosemite Samantha #1 Contender: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot Contenders ‘Former Hooter’s Waitress’ C.J. Lewis ‘Queen Cool’ Leah Iris Ninja Kitty

PCW Tag Team Title Champion: Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and Halitosis #1 Contender: The Sports Entertainment Coalition: ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams Contenders The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson Weapons of Mass Destruction II: Frank Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb Bi-Partisan Dream Team: RINO-The Wonk Machine and Blue Dog D

PCW Television Title Champion: Jack Fraiser #1 Contender: SNAFU Contenders Big Oil (Jill Berg Enterprises) Average Joe Ultratron-Five ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’

===========================

MATCH CONTINUED Suave says they are back. But nothing has really changed. Harlot continues to have Lewis stuck in the White Trash Compactor and she’s putting pressure on her back.

Johnny Suave: Lani Harlot has developed over the years a fantastic submission move with the White Trash Compactor. The question here is now…how long can Lewis hold out. She’s been in the White Trash Compactor for a few minutes now.

Harlot continues to shout ‘ask her…ask her’ to the referee. Lewis stubbornly refuses to tap out.

Johnny Suave: I don’t think there’s any chance C.J. Lewis survives this. Lani’s going to bend her into a pretzel until she finally gives up.

*”Ah Leah”- Donnie Iris*

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!

“Queen Cool” Leah Iris AGE: 26 / HT: 5′ 9″ WT: 125 / HOME: Pittsburgh, PA FIN: Pittsburgh Rocker Dropper

Johnny Suave: HERE COMES C.J. LEWIS’S TAG TEAM PARTNER!

Iris is met by Shayne and Jaxson outside the ring. Iris boots Shayne in the balls, then Jaxson. That causes Harlot to release the hold. Iris jumps up to the top turnbuckle and leaps at Shayne…scissors his head…and slams Shayne’s head forward impacting with the floor. Jaxson tries to throw a couple punches. Iris goes to whip Jaxson into the steel ring post but Jaxson reverses at the last second and it’s Iris who hits the ring post.

Back in the ring, Lewis tries to pull herself up. Harlot goes back over to her. White Russian legsweep to Lewis and she’s back on the mat. Harlot wastes no time and slaps on the White Trash Compactor again.

Out of energy, Lewis finally taps out.

The referee immediately calls for the bell.

*DING-DING-DING*

WINNER AND THE #1 CONTENDER FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot @ 12:25 (9:15 for television)

Johnny Suave: Lani Harlot picks up the dominant victory tonight on PCW Extreme Political TV and she now has her golden ticket to Loose Cannons Unleashed. Harlot gets her rematch with Yosemite Samantha.

Suave sends it backstage.

BACKSTAGE Paige McGillicutty has ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott with her.

‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott – former 2 time PCW Champion, PCW Television Champion, and PCW Tag Team Champion (as Starz N. Stripes). PCW’s Original ‘Rookie Sensation.’ HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 250, HOME: Ottumwa, IA FIN: American Stars and Fujiawa Arm Bar

Topic #1- ‘The One Man Anti Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism

Scott says Stone Chism is a very good wrestler and will be a tough opponent.

Kevin Scott: But I don’t think about Stone Chism. My focus is getting ready and being in the best shape possible next week. I want the PCW Title. I’ve worked hard to put myself in a position to win the title. And at Loose Cannons Unleashed, I intend to leave the ring as the new PCW champion.

Scott thanks Paige and exits.

PAIGE McGILLICUTTY TALKS WITH YOSEMITE SAMANTHA The challenger for the Women’s title, Yosemite Samantha steps into the shot flanked by all three Hanson Sisters.

Yosemite Samantha “The roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowgirl who ever crossed the Rio Grande” HT: 5’1″ WT: 105 / HOME: Dodge City, KS FIN: Shotgun Knee/Cannonball Combo

Yosemite Samantha looks as focused as she’s ever been.

Paige senses that and asks her if she’s too focused about her upcoming match at Loose Cannons Unleashed with the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot

Yosemite Samantha: No.

Paige waits for further elaboration. There’s none coming. She continues on and asks if she’s concerned about Harlot’s White Trash Posse interfering in the match.

Yosemite Samantha: No.

Again, Paige waits for further elaboration. Again, there’s none coming. Paige moves on. She asks Yosemite Samantha if she’s going to make any changes in her game plan based on the earlier match she had with Harlot.

Yosemite Samantha: No.

No further elaboration. Finally, Melissa Hanson pipes up.

Melissa Hanson: Paige, Yosemite Samantha will show up with her army at Loose Cannons Unleashed. We will be there as well. If the White Trash Posse wants a war, we’ll be right there fighting.

And with that, Yosemite Samantha and the Hansons depart.

HARLOT BACKSTAGE PROMO ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot cuts a promo backstage and talks about Yosemite Samantha’s comments a couple minutes ago.

‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 118 / HOME: Magnolia, AR FIN: White Trash Compactor

Harlot says Yosemite Samantha didn’t say much of anything.

Lani Harlot: It seems to me that Yosemite Samantha is letting the pressure get to her. She’s unhinged. She’s deranged. She’s not going to be able to keep it together. I’ve traveled all over the Midwest. I’ve wrestled in just about every atmosphere there is. I know what it takes to be a champion. When Yosemite Samantha loses it, you can bet that I’ll be there and ready to react.

Harlot adds it takes a lot more than funneling pure rage and emotion to win a match. She says you need heart, a gameplan, and composure.

Lani Harlot: When going gets tough, who will prevail? Brains will prevail over brawn everytime.

Cut back to Suave.

Johnny Suave: We are definitely looking at a brawl next week between Lani Harlot and Yosemite Samantha. But Lani is right. You can ride emotion a long ways but Lani’s goal is to take Yosemite Samantha’s emotions and somehow turn it against her. This is where Harlot has really improved over the past couple of years.

Cut to:

BACK IN DAWN McGILL’S OFFICE Dawn continues to recline in the black Barcalounger Coss II Wall Proximity Hugger Lay Flat Recliner Chair. Now, both feet are propped up and Nicholas Tarkowski is now using a pumice stone and shaving off the calluses and dead skin from the bottom of her feet.

Dawn McGill: Oh yes, yes. That’s good.

Cut back to Suave at the broadcast desk.

Johnny Suave: I’d like to point out again that I would love to volunteer for that job. Back in a moment.

========================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

JETFUEL EXTREME DO IT YOURSELF TAX COMMERCIAL [SCENE: the back yard.

A man holds a garden hose in his right hand and is filling up his above ground pool with water. In his other hand, he holds his cell phone and looks down at it- seemingly confused and perplexed.]

Announcer: This is Tim. He thinks you have to be a mastermind to figure out how to do his own taxes.

[A large brown wooden fence encloses the yard. The right wooden gate opens up and Ray McAvay’s manager, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, enters Tim’s back yard. (GRAPHIC: “’No Frills’ Chris Escondido, professional wrestler manager)]

Announcer: So we flew in pro wrestling mastermind ‘No Frill’s’ Chris Escondido to help him.

[Escondido peers over Tim’s shoulder to look at his cell phone.]

Escondido: Dude. What does it say there?

[Close up of Tim’s phone. ‘Did you buy a home?’ Press here.]

Tim: It says…did you buy a home?

Escondido: Did you buy a home?

Tim: Ummm…

[Out of nowhere, ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay runs in and whacks Tim in the back with a Singapore cane.]

Tim: YES! YES! I BOUGHT A HOUSE!

Escondido: Then I’d press there.

Tim: There?

*WHACK*

Tim: AARGGHH! THERE! OKAY, OKAY…I’M PRESSING THE BUTTON!

[Tim, in immense pain and anguish, presses the button. The display turns to a green check mark to indicate that he was successful and a message appears that reads: ‘Congrats, you get a big tax break…and a trip to the emergency room.]

Tim: Huh?

*THWACK*

Tim: AAARGHHHHH!

[Escondido nods down at Tim who’s fallen to his knees in excruciating pain.]

Escondido: Okay then.

[He then turns and walks away.]

Tim: Thanks.

[Graphic on screen: ‘It doesn’t take a f@#$ing genius to do your taxes.’ Tim looks down at his phone and winces in pain from the Singapore caneshots.]

Announcer: Jetfuel Extreme Do It Yourself Tax. Taxes done to the extreme.

*THWACK*

Tim’s voice: ARGGHHHH! OKAY! STOP! PLEASE!

========================

PCW ON THE ROAD April 6th – Loose Cannons Unleashed PPV @ the D.C. Armory / Washington, D.C. April 12th – Buccaneer Arena / Urbandale, IA April 13th – McLeod Center / Cedar Rapids, IA April 14th – McElroy Auditorium / Waterloo, IA April 19th ��� Owensboro Sportscenter / Owensburo, KY April 20th – SIU Arena / Carbondale, IL April 21st – Gibson Arena / Rolla, MO April 27th – Berry Events Center / Marquette, MI May 3rd – BMO Harris Bank Center / Rockford, IL May 4th – Joseph J. Gentile Center / Chicago, IL May 5th – Grossinger Motors Arena / Bloomington, IL

========================

FINANCIAL GURU DAVE RAMSEY TALKS WITH NANCY PELOSI (CA-Progressive Alliance), MITCH McCONNELL (KY-American Patriots), KEVIN McCARTHY (CA-American Patriots), and CHUCK SCHUMER (NY-Progressive Alliance) Ramsey talks to the group about getting out of debt.

Ramsey describes in depth the steps needed in order to not only balance the budget but also pay off the national debt.

Pelosi, Schumer, McCarthy, and McConnell all return vacant stares.

Johnny Suave: And that explains everything.

STONE CHISM INTERVIEW Paige McGillicutty talks with PCW Champion ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism about his title defense next week against ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott.

‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism –3 time PCW Champion and 2 time PCW Television Champion HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 225 / HOME: Hollywood, CA FIN:  Anti-Hollywood Blockbuster

Paige McGillicutty: At Loose Cannons Unleashed, you face an old rival Kevin Scott.

Chism has nothing but good things to say about Kevin Scott.

Stone Chism: Kevin Scott is a two time PCW Champion, a TV Champion, and a Tag Team Champion. He was PCW’s ‘Original Rookie Sensation.’ He’s a great wrestler. But I’ve got a pretty track record of my own. Three time PCW Champion. Two time TV Champion. So what are you going to see. Two great wrestlers vying for the PCW title.

Paige asks about his split from Big Hollywood and does he have any regrets?

Chism says yes. He regrets not breaking away from them when he had the chance in 2014. He knows how they operates and he’s never going back and he’s much happier in PCW.

Stone Chism: So next week, in Washington D.C.- it’s going to be ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism versus ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott. Period. The best man is going to win the match and I believe that man is me.

Paige thanks the PCW Champion.

NANCY PELOSI BACKSTAGE Executive Committee President Nancy Pelosi chats with the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior before his match.

She tells him to forget about California’s Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals rules. Pelosi explains in PCW, they are lax when it comes to disqualifying wrestlers unless it is absolutely necessary.

Nancy Pelosi: We can use those rules to our advantage. That’s why Professor McCathy’s Flock will be at ringside for the match. Do you understand?

The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior nods.

Cut back to Suave.

Johnny Suave: All right. PCW Owner Dawn McGill is in the ring to make the special announcement about the Blackwell-Ultimate Social Justice Warrior match.

McGill stands in the ring while Nicholas Tarkowski is trying to center Dawn’s left foot into a bowl to continue the foot bath he was working on before McGill came to the ring.

Dawn McGill: Tonight, we have a special treat for you all. As you know, last week these two men were scheduled to wrestle but a little irritant called the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals tried to horn into match and I had them removed. The match broke down from there. This week, they’re back and we are going to see a number one contender’s match for the title that our own ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay has- the Champion of the Political Universe.

McGill says it’s time for the main event. She hands off the microphone to Kimber Marshall…

MAIN EVENT/CHAMPION OF THE POLITICAL UNIVERSE #1 CONTENDER’S MATCH: Charlie Blackwell (Main Street USA) vs. The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior (Progressive Alliance) Kimber takes the cue and goes.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, our main event tonight is a one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: …with the winner becoming the number one contender for the Political Universe Championship title! Introducing first, representing the Progressive Alliance, Professor McCarthy’s Flock, and the Blue Brand…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Professor McCarthy and his Flock come out. The Green World Order (PeaceNick/GreenPete/’Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee/Peta from PETA), The Young Jerks (Zenk Cryger/James Idahola/their foul mouthed valet Anna), The Deep State, The Antifa, Codee Pink, Emily S. List lead the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior out to the ramp.

The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior HT: 6’ 2”, WT: 245 / HOME: Washington, D.C. FIN: Justice Bomb

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent, representing the American Patriots, Main Street USA, and the Red Brand…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Charlie Blackwell walks out and turns his back to show off his robe which says ‘Charlie Wrestling’ on the back.

Also coming out, Blackwell’s fellow Main Street USA teammates Mike the Mechanic, Farmer John Deere, and ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith.

‘Charlie Wrestling’ Charlie Blackwell HT: 6′ 4″ WT: 215 / HOME: New Braunfels, TX FIN: Tazzmission (Katahajime)

Johnny Suave: The winner faces ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay for the Political Universal Title at Loose Cannons Unleashed.

Referee Ron Martin checks both wrestlers and calls for the bell.

*DING-DING*

Johnny Suave: And here we go!

1st MINUTE Blackwell comes out and extends his right hand. USJW left hand meets it. Brief test of strength follows…Blackwell dives to the ground and sweeps USJW’s legs out. Blackwell drops an elbow. Right hand by Blackwell keeps USJW on the deck. USJW up…Blackwell’s right hand sends him right back down.   USJW back up. Blackwell rears back and goes for the haymaker. But he misses. USJW sends Blackwell to the ropes and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee of the GWO grabs and holds him in place.

2nd MINUTE USJW jumps and spins, he catches Blackwell with the spinning heel kick. USJW covers…one…t- Blackwell kicks out. Both exchange right hands. Blackwell sends USJW to the corner. Blackwell charges at USJW and drives his shoulder into his midsection. In the corner, Blackwell lands a couple more rights to the midsection. USJW spins him around. Hops on middle rope and hits a Springboard back elbow that backs Blackwell up. He calls for a chair. Zenk Cryger of the Young Jerks throws one to him.

3rd MINUTE USJW throws it at Blackwell and catches him in the face. Knife edged chop to the face by USJW. A second knife edged chop. Three knife edged chops. Blackwell staggers back. Cryger delivers a forearm shot to the back of Blackwell while USJW sets the chair up. He jumps on the chair to the top rope and flips backwards onto Blackwell. Cover…one…two…Blackwell kicks out. Blackwell’s Main Street USA teammates are screaming at the referee about the repeated outside interference.

Johnny Suave: This is going to be the tone for the match. Professor McCarthy knows that PCW allows a little more than the Blue Brand does and they’re going to toe that line as closely as possible.

Boots by USJW. Blackwell tries to get to the ropes.

4th MINUTE USJW takes off from the chair again and drives his legs into Blackwell’s chest. Blackwell drops to a seated position. While USJW occupies the referee, Brock Cole Lee tries to choke out Blackwell. USJW pulls him out from the corner. Cover…one…Blackwell kicks out. ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith shouts encouragement to Blackwell. Blackwell rakes USJW’s eyes and shoves him back. Blackwell flies in and levels USJW with a forearm shot.

5th MINUTE Blackwell hovers over USJW and flips him off. Then he starts laying in the boots and angrily stomps the hell out of USJW. Blackwell picks up the steel folding chair. *WHAP* He waffles USJW with the chair. *WHAP* USJW spins like a slow moving top. Chair on the ground. Blackwell maneuvers USJW over. DDT!

Thunderbolt Smith: DDT ON THE CHAIR! USJW’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN.

Cover. One…two…USJW kicks out. Blackwell climbs up to the top turnbuckle.

Johnny Suave: Now it’s Blackwell who’s going to fly. But he doesn’t see the GWO nearby.

Actually Blackwell does and realizes the mistake he’s just made. Before he can react, GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee shove Blackwell off the top rope. USJW gets his boot up and Blackwell’s balls run right into it.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Blackwell is bent over at an angle.

Johnny Suave: Yeah, that’s gotta hurt.

6th MINUTE USJW hits a swinging neckbreaker. Cover…one…two…NO! Mike the Mechanic rushes in and makes the save.   USJW grabs the chair. He surfboards it and lands on Blackwell. Cover…one…two…again Mike the Mechanic makes the save. USJW turns to Mike and slugs him. Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete slide under the ropes and also attack Mike the Mechanic.

Farmer John Deere jumps in for Main Street USA.

The Young Jerks, The Deep State, and The Antifa hit the ring.

Johnny Suave: And now the numbers game swings against Blackwell.

Sarah Mae Smith gets flipped into the ring by Codee Pink and Emily S. List. They start stomping away at her.

7th MINUTE-8th MINUTE Professor McCarthy’s Flock maul the outnumbered Main Street USA for the next two minutes until…

Johnny Suave: HERE COMES THE CALVARY!  IT’S THE PCW LOCKER ROOM!

Champion of the Political Universe Ray McAvay, William Daniels Bryan, PCW Champion ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism, ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott and the rest of the PCW locker room rush out.

Professor McCarthy’s Flock and the PCW forces battle on the outside. …

9th MINUTE USJW takes an armbar on the left arm of the prone Blackwell. USJW yanks at the arm to deaden it and gets back to his feet. Blackwell also tries to stand but USJW keeps the pressure on the arm. A couple boots keep Blackwell down. USJW pulls him up and whips Blackwell into the ropes. Boot to the gut by USJW doubles Blackwell over. Right hand by USJW sends Blackwell walking back to the ropes. Irish whip sends Blackwell across the ring. USJW bends over for the back body drop- Blackwell stops and DDT’s him.

Johnny Suave: DDT BY BLACKWELL! The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior telegraphed that move badly and you can’t make mistakes like that in a match like this.

10th MINUTE Leg drop by Blackwell. Covers…one…two…NO! USJW gets his foot on the ropes at the last possible second.

Johnny Suave: That was oh so close. So close.

USJW pulls himself up and looks out for help. Professor McCarthy’s Flock is occupied on the floor. Blackwell launches himself forward, arm outstretched, and decapitates USJW with the Lariat.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Blackwell rolls him over into a small package. One…two…THREE!

Martin calls for the bell.

*DING-DING-DING*

WINNER AND THE #1 CONTENDER FOR THE POLITICAL UNIVERSE TITLE: Charlie Blackwell @ 10:26

Suave quickly runs down the updated card for next week’s Loose Cannons Unleashed.

LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED CARD

MAIN EVENT: Champion of the Political Universe Title Match ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay © (Les Miserables/Independent) vs. Charlie Blackwell (American Patriots/Main Street USA)

Women’s Champion of the Political Universe Title Match Christa Carmondy © (American Patriots) vs. ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan (Progressive Alliance)

Tag Team Champions of the Political Universe Title Match P.M.C. Banks and Kirk Walstreit © (American Patriots/Jill Berg Enterprises) vs. Big Labor: Union Jack Taylor and James the Auto Worker (Progressive Alliance)

PCW Title Match ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism © vs. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott

PCW Women’s Title Match Yosemite Samantha © vs. The winner of the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot vs. ‘former Hooter’s waitress’ C.J. Lewis

PCW Tag Team Title Match The Island of Misfit Wrestler: Rah and Halitosis © vs. The Sports Entertainment Coalition: ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams

[‘Trumpet Concerto No. 2 in D major – 3 Allegro assai’ begins to play in the background and P-SPAN quickly cuts away to another political event.]

[preoccupiedpens]

Dream Hunters Chapter 4: Push and Pull

AFTER YESTERDAY’S MISSION, Daisuke, Riku, and Jack unanimously agreed to spend their rest day by absolutely doing nothing productive at all. As usual, Daisuke decided to hang out at the shrine of Maria. He’s basically a self-proclaimed elven guard of the shrine by now.

           “Are you sure you do not want to find another place to hang out?” Pinelia asked.

           “Naaah. I’m good at the shrine. Besides, I can act like its personal security guard.” Daisuke casually replied.

           “Oh well, as long as you’re not spending your free time here at home. I’d rather see you do nothing with your friends than doing nothing here.”

           “Awwwww. You really are the most supportive mom.”

           Daisuke and Pinelia laughed it off.

 As soon as Daisuke reached the shrine, he paid his respects to Maria, the champion of Yora village. Today, he brought his runestone of Laniagaea Vol. 1. He has already finished reading the book years ago, but he never gets tired of reading it all over again. Seeing the illustrations of other countries from all over the world is what matters to him. It gives him the motivation to continue and improve, all for the sake of visiting various places and bringing back the wooden statue of Maria.

           Somehow, the book also contains some information about the rise of treasure hunting in the world. According to the book, there was a period in time when most of the countries closed their borders to foreigners, the Dark Ages. But soon, one country decided to travel the whole world to discover new things, meet other races, exchange knowledge and technology, and hopefully form alliances. This country was known as the Arcobaleno Kingdom.

           Arcobaleno Kingdom has been a very advance country. They pioneered land and sea exploration. Soon, many countries followed their footsteps. Government and nobles funded the explorers. Those that wanted to explore but have no funds became adventurers and formed guilds. And then those who became notorious for traveling to deeper unexplored lands and even trespassed into different territories became what’s known as treasure hunters. He was busy reading his book that he didn’t notice someone went inside the shrine.

          “You really are not difficult to find, you know.” Jack said.

          Daisuke raised his head and saw Jack. “Hmmm. And you’re not the kind to visit the shrine.”

          “Well, we actually came here to see you.”

          “We?”

          Outside, Riku is standing at the observation deck. Like Daisuke, she also likes the view from that spot. Seeing the panoramic view of the southern part of Yora village, the ever-busy harbor, and the calm sea. Daisuke and Jack went to the observation deck to meet Riku.

          “Oh! Hey Daisuke.” Riku smilingly greeted Daisuke.

          “Yo. What’s up?” Daisuke replied.

          Riku explained that she and Jack would like to train him for the upcoming Seeker Trials. As they have observed, Daisuke’s weakness is his poor mana control. The first time Daisuke failed the trials, he was easily overwhelmed by his opponent. The second time, he managed to win the combat trial, though it was a sloppy one. He created trees all over the place, and even managed to downright destroy the whole stage. And since the result of the combat trial does not certainly depends on the winner and loser of the match, Daisuke still failed the trial.

          “I know we all decided to just loaf around. But Jack and I thought that we could just use our spare time to, you know, help you.” Riku added.

          “So, what do you say, Daisuke?” Jack asked.

          “You guys…” Daisuke was tearing up, then hugged Riku and Jack. “I love you guys!!”

          “Ugh...” Riku and Jack sighed in unison.

 They went to the Eastern Beach, the same beach where the Fishbone Hunters landed to siege the island. The beach has a great view of the sea. The sand is white and fine. Coconut trees are everywhere. This is where Riku and Jack decided to train Daisuke.

          “The thing is, you used too much mana yesterday.” Jack told Daisuke.

          “Yeah, I sensed it too.” Riku confirmed.

          “I know. I’m just unable to control my mana output.” Daisuke told them. “It’s like, when I try to use a bit of mana to produce a seedling, a torrent of mana will come out, and a sapling or even whole mature tree would emerge.”

          “The key to clear the combat trial is not just to win, but to show that you can survive the battle. Evading an attack is and getting out of an impossible battle is not a sign of weakness.” Said Jack.

          “Basically, the combat trial is to test our creativity on using our power and of course mana management.” Riku added.

          “Great. Now what am I supposed to do?” asked Daisuke?

          Jack faced him. “He have practice combat trial. You and I.”

          Daisuke agreed, thanking his friends for always helping him. While Jack served as his opponent, Riku served as the referee of the match. She will decide whether Daisuke will pass the trial or not.

          “Remember Daisuke, the goal is not to win but to use you power efficiently.” Riku reminded him.

          “Got it!” Daisuke replied.

          Riku then gave the signal. “Begin!”

          Daisuke was the first to charge. Riku has always taught her to imagine his body like a faucet and his mana the water. He only needs to open the faucet slightly to let a few drops of mana to drip. This is what Daisuke tried to do. He tried to produce a sprout, which he successfully did. Jack saw it and prepared to defend himself.

          Jack taught Daisuke about different applications of elven power in combat. They could fight either in short, mid, or even long range. Depending on their mana control, short range would be the most efficient. But of course, many elves are skilled with their power usage.  They would only need to consume a certain amount of mana to create a weapon made of plants. Jack used his power to create a tree branch from both of his arms, and at the end of the branches were huge jackfruits. He created a Jackfruit Mace, a weapon based from his father’s Durian Mace.

          Daisuke continued to let his mana flow on the sprout he created, until it became his signature Wooden Arm. He used this arm to punch Jack, but Jack timed his move well and managed to whip the wooden fist with the right Jackfruit Mace. When Jack saw the Daisuke lost balance, he continued to hit Daisuke with his left Jackfruit Mace. Luckily, Daisuke managed to create a left Wooden Arm and used it to block Jack’s follow up.

          “That’s two Wooden Arms now, Daisuke.” Jack changed his stance. He started to spin his right mace, getting ready for his attack.

          Daisuke removed both his Wooden Arms and ran towards Jack. This time, Jack was the first to attack by throwing the spinning mace towards Daisuke. Using his mana, he produced more branches to extend the mace until it reached Daisuke.

          But Daisuke managed to dodge by growing a tree directly under him, launching him through the air. When he was high enough, he used his power to punch midair. And when he did, a tree came out of his right arm towards jack at high speed. The tree changed shape, resembling a fist. But even before Jack could get hit by the extending wooden fist, it suddenly stopped. Daisuke landed and unable to stand.

          “Two Wooden Arms, one mature tree to dodge, and another mature tree to attack midair.” Jack enumerating the actions of Daisuke earlier. “What do you think, Riku?”

          “Well, he basically wasted mana again.” Riku responded.

          Daisuke tried to talk but was out of breath. He was now just lying down on the sand of the beach.

          “You got carried away again Daisuke.” Jack said, sitting next to Daisuke.

          “For comparison,” Riku now sitting as well next to Daisuke. “Jack used his mana to create two maces, while you created four trees from afar. You are essentially using your mana as the necessary energy to force the trees to grow.”

          “I tried to do same thing when I threw you my mace.” Jack added.

          Daisuke was trying to speak, but it was inaudible.

          “Well, you recharge your mana quicker than the rest of us. We can continue after you have recovered.” Jack told Daisuke.

             “Yeah. You just need be pushed a little bit more. We’re sure you’ll improve in no time.” Riku smilingly added.

          Daisuke mumbled something that seems to agree on Jack’s and Riku’s words.

          The three of them stayed at the beach until night time, training Daisuke to control his mana. Jack would have a sparring match against Daisuke, while Riku would remind Daisuke about the proper mana control. And while they were training, a silhouette can be seen that seems to be watching the three.

 That same night at the Council House, Sequovas was preparing to go home already when Durant approached him to talk.

           “The day of the trials is coming soon.” Durant picked up a book and handed it over to Sequovas. “Your son is still yet to clear the combat trial.”

           “What is it that you really want to talk about, Durant?”

          “Daisuke does not belong here and you know it.”

          Sequovas stopped from cleaning up his stuffs. “I would rather have him stay here on the island than let the greedy humans get him.” Said Sequovas. “It was you, wasn’t it? You brought those humans here.”

          “And I am the one who told her scouts.”

          “You are out of your mind, Durant. Bringing humans here? You are lucky that I have no intention of telling this to other council heads so you better stop this now.”

          Sequovas and Durant are now speaking face to face. Both of them are emitting a faint amount of mana, though enough to cause a pressure that could push anyone.

          “You speak like I am the only one guilty of something. Tampering with the Seeker Trials is also punishable. Still, I am thankful for you not reporting me. But you must understand that I am only trying to protect our people.”

          “To protect from a kid?!”

          “To protect them from a potential attack from the avatar of an Ishvara.”

          Sequovas was infuriated from the claims of Durant, causing his mana to break the floor from where he was standing. The amount of pressure could have blown Durant away, but Durant’s mana protected him.

          “From this point, Durant, you might want to consider the next words coming from your mouth.”

          Durant lowered his mana output. “I know you are the one who keeps pulling Daisuke to fail. You keep on messing with his already pitiable mana control. I will not reveal him that. But I will keep telling Jack to train him to pass the trials.”

          “And I will do everything to keep Daisuke on this island. I will not let anyone use him as a weapon.”

          “So you would rather have him rampaging here on our island? Threatening the lives of your people?”

          Sequovas finally lowered his mana output and continued to clean up his stuff. He then breathed heavily and faced Durant. “If that time ever comes, I will be the one to put an end to his life. Not you, not Mahogry, not anyone from this island. It will only be me.”

          “Sequovas, trust me, I know how you feel. There are no words to describe the pain of losing a child. Believe me, I know. But you have to understand; there is no escaping destiny. Whether or not he learns to control his power, he will eventually turn into an Ishvara. The likes of him are cursed to die a painful death over and over again. Daisuke is no exception.”

          “I will no longer warn you again, Durant. I am not the one you wanted to be an enemy.” Sequovas took his satchel and left the Council House.

[citizenscreen]

When the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Neil Simon died on August 27 he left behind a rich legacy of laughter. Arguably the most successful playwright in American history, Simon was nominated for 17 Tony Awards, he won three: for author of “The Odd Couple,” and twice for best play, for “Biloxi Blues” and “Lost in Yonkers.” More impressively, Simon ruled comedy on the Broadway stage for decades.

Simon’s move to the movies proved his work transcended mediums as well with 3 Best Screenplay Academy Award nominations to his credit for Material from (his own) Previous Source, and 1 Best Writing Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen for The Goodbye Girl (1977). He won the Pulitzer for “Lost in Yonkers” in 1991 and was bestowed many more honors throughout his storied career. Oddly, none of that came to mind when I heard the news of Simon’s death. Not the recognition, not the over 9,000 Broadway performances of his work, and not the many movies he’s penned that I am fond of. What came to mind first was how my beloved New York City died a little with him.

Neil Simon

Yes, the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Neil Simon is New York. The city has been a major player in numerous movies I never tire of. Just think of The Odd Couple, Barefoot in the Park, Brighton Beach Memoirs, The Goodbye Girl, The Out of Towners, or The Prisoner of Second Avenue. Without the flavors, the sounds, and the smells of New York they wouldn’t be as good. New York is in every line of dialogue, in every accent, and in every move of the characters. Simon, a Bronx native, wrote about what he knew and what he knew was urban family drama. He had a heightened awareness of what is funny in people even at their worst. Perhaps the best example of that is “The Prisoner of Second Avenue,” Simon’s eighth long-running play, which ran for 798 performances from 1971 to 1973.

Peter Falk and Lee Grant in the original Broadway production of Neil Simon’s The Prisoner of Second Avenue

The Prisoner of Second Avenue Playbill, 1971

The Broadway production of “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” was directed by Mike Nichols, who was a frequent Neil Simon collaborator. Nichols won four Tonys for directing Simon material – “Barefoot in the Park” in 1964, “The Odd Couple” in 1965, “Plaza Suite” in 1968, and “Prisoner” in 1972. Although most of Simon’s work is autobiographical, “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” is an exception as it is based on his first wife’s uncle who went bankrupt and had a nervous breakdown in his forties.

Mike Nichols and Neil Simon after a show rehearsal in March 1968, in New York City.

I didn’t get to see “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” on Broadway, but would have loved to. The play starred Peter Falk as Mel Edison, Lee Grant as Edna Edison, and Vincent Gardenia, who won the play’s second Tony Award, as Mel’s brother Harry. The production was also nominated for Best Play, but lost to “Sticks and Bones.”

Neil Simon wrote the screenplay to the movie version of The Prisoner of Second Avenue, directed by Mel Frank and released in 1975. Now this I’m familiar with, which is why I chose it as my back-up for The Neil Simon Blogathon. I couldn’t get my hands on my first choice, Robert Moore’s Chapter Two (1979), which is overlooked and one of his favorites. Nonetheless, I’m happy to offer my thoughts on The Prisoner of Second Avenue, perhaps Simon’s darkest comedy.

Prisoner carries a punch thanks to Mel Frank’s terrific direction, memorable performances by the film’s two leads, and Simon’s sharp dialogue. Neil Simon commented on the story’s theme saying, “I don’t think audiences expect or want me to write serious plays. Maybe I was a little more successful with ‘Prisoner’. It’s a serious play that’s very funny.” Yeah, it is. And it translates wonderfully to the screen showing a brutal New York both by happenstance and in actuality. There’s a reason why the films of the 1970s took an upswing on violence. The City was a violent place in the 1970s and although Neil Simon got a lot of slack for portraying it in such a manner – even being accused of hating New York due to Prisoner – he depicted what he saw. Simon said of this to the New York Daily News: “Who hates it? I love it. I’m writing about big city life. The problems in ‘Prisoner’ are not exclusive to New York. People are robbed everywhere. There are major strikes in London, Paris, every major city. I only single out New York because I happen to live there.”

In another interview Simon speaks of remembering a time when he got in taxi cabs and had long discussions with the drivers about baseball. Suddenly as of the early 1970s a wall was put up to protect the drivers from being robbed and the passenger couldn’t get out of the car until the driver opened the door remotely. He depicts this in a scene at the beginning of Prisoner of Second Avenue after the protagonist, Mel Edison, chases a bus in sweltering heat. This is not a pretty picture, but we’re in for an affecting, uproariously funny adventure.

Anyone who has lived in a city like New York has to know all about what happens to Mel and Edna Edison. Their story is quite simple, but fraught with problems. The married couple lives in one of them tenement buildings, as Marjorie Main’s character in Meet Me in St. Louis would say, and encounter any number of tribulations one after another until poor Mel suffers a nervous breakdown. As the movie opens the City is in its eighth consecutive day of a heat wave as its inhabitants scurry through the bustling streets. Mel Edison steps out of his building and misses his bus. It’s the first sign that this is not going to be a good day for Mel. What we don’t know is that missing his bus is the least of his problems because in the coming days he will be nagged by the noisy airline stewardesses that live next door, by barking dogs, a continuously flushing toilet, rude neighbors, and a smell of garbage so potent it reaches the Edison’s 14th floor apartment. In addition, Mel is fired from his job of 22 years and is robbed of all his belongings including his liquor! I mean, the poor guy can’t catch a break. Mel’s saving grace is his wife, Edna, who gives as good as she can take. They are perfectly suited in character as are the two actors are playing against each other. They are the ultra-talented Jack Lemmon and Anne Bancroft.

Anne Bancroft and Jack Lemmon as Edna and Mel Edison

The Prisoner of Second Avenue is the third of four appearances by Jack Lemmon in a film written by Neil Simon. The others are The Odd Couple (1968), The Out of Towners (1970) and The Odd Couple II (1998). You probably know I can go on and on about Jack Lemmon’s talent and his performance in The Prisoner of Second Avenue because I already have in previous posts so I’ll try to keep this short.

In Prisoner Jack plays one of his “everyman” characters, the kind of man he is most associated with. His performance in this is astounding. One of his best, in my opinion, and that’s something considering he could do no wrong in my eyes. As is often the case, I am blown away when Jack says absolutely nothing, when he adds his signature poignancy to the broad comedy that makes him one of the all-time best. Despite quip after quip, the funny repartee, and the incredible circumstances presented this character, the truth is that Mel is deeply disillusioned, he is at the end of his rope and there’s nothing funny about that. No one could have given such a role in such a film the depth given it by Jack Lemmon. He breaks my heart – in another comedy. That’s Jack’s gift. Neil Simon described Jack’s talent saying, “there are terrific actors today that are good at what they do, but no one could open up like Jack Lemmon, no one could surprise you like Jack Lemmon.” He does so in Prisoner time and time again.

Anne Bancroft matches Lemmon word for word and feeling for feeling in this terrific movie. Her delivery is essential Simon epitomizing exactly what draws me to his material. She is funny, she is truthful, she is broad, and she too gives you the feels when the time calls for it. Prisoner is the first of two Neil Simon written films starring Bancroft. The second is Paul Bogart’s Broadway Bound (1992).

Gene Saks, who directed the Simon-penned The Odd Couple (1968), Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986), Barefoot in the Park (1967), and Last of the Red Hot Lovers (1972) plays Mel’s brother Harry in The Prisoner of Second Avenue and does a fine job of it. Elizabeth Wilson plays Mel’s sister Pauline and Florence Stanley reprises her role as Pearl from the play. You can also see Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham as the taxi driver in the beginning of the movie and Sylvester Stallone appears as a guy who Mel thinks pickpockets him.

As much as I admire The Prisoner of Second Avenue it’s story is not unique Simon fare. Not only does Jack Lemmon also star in The Out of Towners, but that 1970 movie has many thematic similarities with Prisoner such as the exasperation of having every conceivable thing that can go wrong go wrong to a couple. Neil Simon also wrote a play that’s a very funny take on the biblical story of Job, titled “God’s Favorite” that was produced for the stage in 1974. This one wasn’t made into a film, but I’m familiar with it because it’s included in one of his anthologies. “God’s Favorite” also centers on a family except this time they live in a Long Island mansion. The patriarch of the family is a pious man named Joe Benjamin who is pushed to the limit by one of God’s messengers when he does not succumb to temptation. Everything imaginable is thrown Joe’s way as he is tested over and over again. It’s an enjoyable piece and worth a read.

As I was watching The Prisoner of Second Avenue today I reminisced about how long I’ve been a Neil Simon fan. No doubt I didn’t get the nuances in this work when I was a much younger person, when I first became aware of his talent through movies, but the laughter was just as heartfelt. This many years later, this many more laughs enjoyed, I can say with certainty that Neil Simon is the person I would most have liked to write like. I feel deeply connected to his words despite the fact that none of the families he wrote about are like mine. In fact, had I not been exposed to Neil Simon plays for the entirety of my life I would not be the person that I am nor would New York City be the same in my mind. Both are better because of him.

Thanks, Doc.

◊

Be sure to visit Caftan Woman and Wide Screen World to read much more on the work of this memorable talent in The Neil Simon Blogathon.

Neil Simon (July 4, 1927 – August 26, 2018)

Neil Simon’s THE PRISONER OF SECOND AVENUE When the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Neil Simon died on August 27 he left behind a rich legacy of laughter.

[thepelagoislands]

Fable Festival (Arcadia) || January 20th - 28th

In the center of Arcadia, right in front of City Hall, join the island for a festival entirely dedicated to books and fables, The Fable Festival! Along the main celebration area, feel free to partake in a free, open library with plenty of books to choose from. There are plenty of benches and, thankfully, several mages have made it so the area within the festival is warm enough to comfortably be outside in the middle of the winter. Isn’t magic grand?

As always, while the festival lasts about a week IRL, the actual festival is only one entire day in RP. So keep that in mind when you’re going about your festival shenanigans.

However, the main attraction to the Fable Festival is not the open library. Also happening in the middle of the festival is something called the Role Card Game.

Role Card Game

The Role Card Game is a game where the players are supposed to act as closely to a role they are assigned as they can. Players sign up in advance, and the day before the festival, they are mailed the role that they are to play while they are on the festival grounds. Players are asked to come dressed up in clothes befitting their role and to do their best to stay in character the entire game. There is also a small corner of the area that is designated as The Jail. Also along a small table in the center of the area are several safe props that participants can use; just about anything you imagine you’ll need will be there.

At the tail end of the festival, a poll will be opened for everyone to vote on who acted out their role the best throughout the game. The winner of this poll will receive 10,000G, a special item, and a book. Both the item and the book will be revealed at the conclusion of the festival.

The Role Card Game will be hosted in the PI Discord server. If your character doesn’t sign up for a role, they can still participate in the chat. The participants must interact with non-role characters as if they are regular townsfolk, so non-participants can feel free to walk in at any time!

Everyone who signs up will receive a role! While there are thirty roles initially, if we have more people signed up, we will begin adding more roles to match the amount of players. Roles are randomly assigned a day before the festival, on January 19th, so players can find outfits and post reactions to their character’s assignement!

Roles:

The King: A very laid-back man who loves food and is head over heels for The Queen. Will usually follow The Cook around asking for more food.

The Queen: The person actually running the kingdom, and is the definition of an Ice Queen. Tends to call the guards on anyone who even looks at her the wrong way. Is having an affair with The Red Knight.

The Princess: Dresses like a prince and enjoys seducing all of the women who come around. She does not like to be tied down and is afraid of commitment.

The Prince: A very rude and spoiled prince who treats everyone around him like peons. Does what he wants and will call the guards if anyone disrespects him.

The Aristocrat?: A member of a noble family from a faraway kingdom. Is actually a peasant girl trying to marry rich and doesn’t know what all of these royal traditions or mannerisms are. She tries so hard.

The Red Knight: A loyal servant to The Queen and tends to obey her every command. Having an affair with The Queen. Can arrest people. Is also secretly planning on killing The King.

The Blue Knight: The King’s personal body guard. Is smitten by The Princess and is constantly asking The King and anyone who will listen for romantic advice. Can arrest people.

The Cook: Is always hiding from The King, looking for a break. Is married to The Royal Cow Herder.

The Royal Cow Herder: Is very proud of their cows and always enjoys showing off their cows to anyone who will listen. Very dedicated to protecting and caring for their cows. Married to The Cook.

The Cow: An actual cow. Enjoys grazing on grass.

The Cow?: Actually a thief in a cow costume. They want to steal as much as they can from the castle...but can’t blow their cover as a cow.

The Maid: Very dedicated to serving anyone who comes by. Almost too dedicated at times.

The Butler: Actually plotting to eventually overthrow The King. Is in love with The Prince.

The Royal Jester: Tasked with entertaining the royal family. Loves making just about anyone smile. Is especially in love with the Maid.

The Fairy: A fairy who can only be seen by The Royal Magician. Constantly playing pranks on people around them.

The Royal Magician: Enjoys experimenting with various potions and loves finding new test subjects for their spells. Unfortunately, everything always backfires on her. Is always trying to impress The Hunter.

The Stable Boy: Started working at the castle with the one goal of freeing the animals. Will constantly try freeing any animal in the vicinity. Including cows.

The Hunter: A hunter who is in town to sell furs. Is exceptionally handsome and constantly has people fawning over him. However, he is married to the forest. He is not interested in anything else.

The Town Crier: Usually calls out the usual news. However, he’s lost his scroll. So now he has to make up the news on the spot.

The Pickle Man: A man with a pickle stand. He is constantly trying to sell his pickles to anyone who even gets close to him. His pickles are actually disgusting.

The Fallen Aristocrat: A member of a noble family who has been disgraced and has to live a peasant’s life. Still can’t tolerate peasant life. Is looking to marry The Aristocrat? to regain social status.

The Town Doctor: Actually evil. Eventually plans to poison the royal family, though still needs to assemble the right amount of minions to fully execute his plan. Otherwise a swell guy.

The Peasant?: Actually the Harvest Goddess disguised as a peasant to test people for their charity. Has become smitten by The Fallen Aristocrat on her travels.

The Blacksmith: A very lazy individual who is always slacking on the job. Tends to sleep anywhere and everywhere. Tends to make everyone else wonder...where’s the blacksmith?

The Drunk Bard: A travelling bard who has gotten completely intoxicated at the bar and is on the hunt for more drinks. Will sing songs about anything, anyone, and at any time.

The Fairy Godmother: Helped The Aristocrat? get all dressed up like royalty. Is trying her best to make sure The Aristocrat? has a great time.

The Priest: He’s here to listen to everyone confess their sins and take donations for a shiny new church. Maybe he’s trying a bit too hard to get donations...

The Robin Hood: He steals from the rich and gives to the poor. And also flirts with beautiful young women along the way.

The Baker: A dutiful baker who just wants to sell bread and love his wife. Give this man A Break.

The Baker’s Wife: Helps The Baker with selling bread, but is also lowkey sizing up The Prince. 

The Squire: A very diligent apprentice to The Red Knight. Tends to stick very closely to The Red Knight and pays very close attention to the rules of knighthood.

The Royal Seamstress: Creates masterful clothes for the royal family. Is very judgmental of your clothes. Obviously, everyone else is wearing it wrong.

The Scribe: Writes down and records all major events that go on. His hearing is unfortunately going very bad, so he mishears everything he writes down.

The World Traveler: A traveler from a faraway land who only wants to see the world and what it has to offer. Surprisingly very naiive and will trust everyone at face value. 

The Lover: Seems to fall in love with someone new every hour or so, maybe even less. Has a lot of love to give, and can’t just contain it to one person. 

The Dancer: A street performer who specializes in dancing. Unfortunately, has two left feet when it comes to dancing.

The Mystic?: A local loon who fully believes that they are in possession of a magical force that nobody can comprehend. Enjoys boasting about their powers and threatening people with it.

The Mystic: Actually is in possession of a magical force that nobody can comprehend. However, doesn’t want to do anything good or evil with it. Is childhood friends with The Mystic? and will use their powers to make it look like The Mystic?’s power.

The Animal Whisperer: Can talk to animals, and has countless animals following them around. Has given all of their animal friends a name and will give new names to every animal in their path.

The Pirate: An actual pirate who has come to take money, seduce women, and do all of those pirate-y things. You might have heard of him before...

The Baguette Boy: Has a baguette that he prances around with. Nobody is quite sure why.

The Royal Steed: An actual horse. The Blue Knight and The Red Knight may gallantly ride The Royal Steed around.

The Prisoner: Is in jail for stealing from the royal family. A very sneaky fellow who is constantly trying to get people to help him break out of jail.

Roles will be added if sign-ups exceed 30 players, and certain roles will be cut if less than 30 players sign-up.

Here are the current participants:

Lily

Aurelia

Klaus

Vivi

Ella

Alice

Gerard

Minori

Wizard

Hart

Kathy

Elli

Candace

Elise

Elliott

Karen

Evelyn

Violet

Matai

Chase 

Marian

Georgia

Raguna

Mist

Mary

Abigail

Lumina

Soseki

Russell

Popuri

Laney

Denny

Alisa

Aden

Angela

Andrea

Pandora

Kasumi

Agate

Clorica

Pia

Leon

Witch Princess (Nessa)

Blue Feather Challenge

As this is an Arcadian festival, it is usual for some citizens to wander over to take the BLUE FEATHER CHALLENGE! On Arcadia, it is tradition to propose with a Blue Feather, which can be typically found on a Harvest Goddess statue on the top of Mt. Reinier. Since the statue is on a place inaccessible on foot, it is tradition for someone to climb up the mountain to retrieve it, dodging the falling rocks that frequently tumble down the mountainside.

In order to climb Mt. Reinier, you’ll have to GO INTO THE MINIGAME CHATZY AND INPUT THIS LINE THREE TIMES:

/choose climb, rock, climb, climb, climb, rock, climb

YOU MUST GET CLIMB ALL THREE TIMES TO MAKE IT TO THE TOP. If you get a rock, you are hit by one of Mt. Reinier’s famous falling rocks and plummet to the ground. You are free to attempt this challenge TWICE during the festival!

[nightglider124]

i know youre a disney fan, do you think you could do like a meta of sorta to pin point your saddest disney moments?

Oooh; intersting ask. Can I just say like all of them? Orrr? No? Okay. 

Will gladly do one of those meta type things but I haven’t really done one before so if it’s crappy, sue me. Erm…I suppose I can do this in order, starting with the film I find the least sad. 

By the way, I’ll only be doing films that either made me tear up or made me bawl like a baby or ones that didn’t at all and that I hate.

Oh, and spoilers, in case you haven’t seen some of these Disney movies.

Read on to see me rambling about sad disney.

15. Bambi

I know people will probably want to shoot me but I think I may have mentioned before… I really dislike Bambi. I think it’s a good film, but when Bambi’s mother dies, I don’t feel as sad as others do. I don’t know why but I just don’t think it’s that much of a tear jerker film. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen it in years and maybe I would appreciate it more as an adult but this film has never really been a winner in my books for saddest disney films. I mean, I will give it props; it was definitely sad as one of the first films to kill off a character and not bring them back to life. But, if we know one thing about Disney, it’s that it’s secretly evil. Makes us all so sad at some points. But yeah, Bambi is dead last because it really isn’t that great in my eyes. Soz not soz.

14. Brother Bear

This film, I remember, really struck a chord with me when I watched it back in the day. When I was a kid, I remember this film being up there with my sad ones… y’know before I grasped the sadness of other damn disney films. Watching it when I’m older though, it’s not as sad. And, it’s strange that whilst Bambi doesn’t effect me at all, this one did.

The part that upset me the most is when Kenai confesses to Koda about what he did as a human, before he was changed by the spirits, into a bear. Basically, you find out that Koda and his mother gets separated early on in the movie, only to find out via Kenai that the bear he killed whilst human was in fact, Koda’s mother. 

The scene gets me because Koda suddenly pieces together and realises that because of his newfound brother, his mother is never going to find him or come back. It’s just quite hard hitting. Defo still makes me sad now but was sadder when I was little.

13. Finding Dory 

First of all, baby Dory is the freakin’ cutest thing in this universe like if you disagree, just unfollow me like right now omg. Look at her little face!?

Ahem… anyway, another film that’s further up the list because whilst I found it sad, it didn’t make me cry like a baby. 

The reason, if anything, why I teared up is for when Dory finds her parents. It’s just really touching because she’s upset because she forgot her own parents but they’re so proud of her for finding them. It’s sweet and sad because they’ve stayed in the exact same spot all the years, just waiting for her and oh, it’s just a good’un. I feel like I happy cried more so than sad cried with this one tbh but eh, still. It made me cry so.

12. Frozen

Now… Night has to be careful here, because Frozen is my all time favorite Disney film. I know it’s a newer one and can never compete with the traditional Disney movies but… I absolutely love Frozen… I have to be careful so I don’t just gush about it. 

First of all, Frozen is one of the Disney films that doesn’t end with the female lead being saved by a freakin’ man and I love it for that reason. I hate the typical Princess movies where they’re the damsel in distress. 

Most of all, I love this film for a reason that Disney is so famous for. I can partially relate to it. The story, at it’s core, is about sisters and I love my sister so much, she’s like my best friend. So, when watching it, I definitely feel a connection to it, so much that I tear up near the end.

I started to feel sad when Anna is struck in the heart with ice by Elsa when she’s scared and then I got sadder when Hans tells her, “Oh Anna, if only there was someone out there who loved you.” and he shows his true colors and is the bad guy. 

But, the bit that makes me tear up is when Elsa breaks down, thinking she has killed Anna and Hans is about to kill Elsa. But, Anna, realizing she has to do an act of true love to save herself but loving her sister more than herself, jumps in and sacrifices herself for Elsa, just before turning to ice. 

Spoiler, it has a happy ending, I swear.

I feel close with this because I would do the same for my sister. It’s what family does; look out for each other in every way you can think of. But, Frozen is still up there for not making me blubber as much as other films do.

11. Brave

Another great Disney tale for the gals; a Scottish young’un who doesn’t want her fate decided for her by others so takes back control even if it does have bad consequences. 

I actually hadn’t watched this before like 2 Christmas’ ago. But, am I glad I got around to watching it in the end. It’s amazeballs, if ya haven’t seen it, btw. Merida is my spirit animal I swear to Lucifer. 

Again, it’s such a relatable movie. Who doesn’t clash with their mother every now and then? Especially when your mum is the queen and is trying to mold you into something you don’t want to be. 

Long story short, her mother gets changed into a bear by a witch and queue Freaky Friday storyline, kinda. To change back into a human, they have to mend what’s broken, being their bond which is getting battered by the situation at hand. 

It’s the slow transition that Elinor goes through where she keeps becoming more like an actual bear that is sad; you know they have a limited time to fix the issue and Merida will lose her mother which, despite their differences, no kid ever wants.

The bit that had me tearing up though is when they wrap Elinor in the tapestry and she doesn’t change back straight away. Merida is distraught and it’s a difficult thing to imagine happening so it’s very sad. Still, no blubbering from me though.

10. Mulan

Another favorite of mine, so maybe I’m biased in my placement of Mulan. It’s not an obvious tearjerker but it’s still sad, nonetheless.

The whole idea of Mulan being a disappointment to her family and bringing dishonor upon her ancestors if just so saddening anyway. Then she feels she has to go into the army instead of her father due to his poor health which would surely lead to his death. 

She goes and along the way feels like it was going to be the thing to make her feel “worthwhile”. 

Again, I tear up with this scene for happy reasons moreso than sad. After she has saved China and returns home, Mulan offers her spoils of war to her father, hoping she has not dishonoured him too much and hoping he can forgive her. 

It’s a sweet and touching moments as her father throws the items aside, telling her, “The greatest gift and honour is having you for a daughter.”

Sniff… so sweet.

9. Moana

Another amazing film and one of the newer Disney ones so not all people are on board. I mean, mostly Moana was a hit but some people despise the computerized Disney nowadays and say it’s not ‘real disney’. 

Ya’ll need to get a grip and stop being a baby.

Anyway, there’s a couple tear jerking moments in this one. But, first and obviously foremost, her grandmother’s death is heartbreaking. 

Her grandmother is practically the only one who understands her connection with the ocean and so, supports what Moana was born for whereas her father, wants her to be the next chief of the island. People think her granny is a bit of a nut but she’s simply a carefree old woman, who talks of becoming a stingray in her next life.

Shortly after they talk on the beach, she is dying in her tent but tells Moana that she’ll always be with her. I feel like that line is just a heart string tugger tbh. 

Anyway, later, when Moana feels hopeless and lost, a load of stingrays come and of course, there is her grandmother, with her and watching over her. It’s a heartwarming moment so you tear up for a whole other reason. 

Again, we have yet to enter into the blubbering section of Disney films.

8. Lion King

Heh… bet ya’ll thought this would be further down the list, right?

Wrong.

Idk why I’m not like everyone else when it comes to saddest Disney films. Don’t get me wrong, this is no Bambi situation, I found Lion King so damn sad but moreso because of Simba’s attempts to “wake him up” when he sees Mufasa laying there after Scar has fucked him over and dropped him to his death.

That is just… ugh. Why Disney!? It’s just that knowledge that Mufasa is dead that Simba doesn’t understand straight away.

It’s just bad. Bad Disney.

But, I think it’s because I’ve only seen Lion King like once. I feel if I watch it more, I would feel sadder at that part but it doesn’t make me cry. Then again, maybe it’s because I knew what was coming when I first watched it. Idk.

So highish up there but not enough to make me an emotional mess.

7. Finding Nemo

I remember watching this when I was younger and… ugh. 

The sad part for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone is the very start. 

Marlin and Coral are all excited to be parents, with Marlin worrying they won’t like him. They’re adorable and playfully chase each other.

Then, they notice everyone in their neighborhood has gone inside and that a barracuda is lurking nearby, looking for a snack. 

The moment is just so… you know what’s gonna happen as soon as you see the barracuda, to be completely honest. 

Coral is already a mother, her babies just aren’t born yet but her instincts are nothing but motherly. She looks from the barracuda to eggs, and makes the choice to go for her children, which ends up causing her demise.

Coral’s death is definitely a sad one, especially because that makes Marlin all the more protective of the only egg left, Nemo.

You lie if you didn’t tear up at Finding Nemo.

6. Tarzan

Anyone who knows me knows that my two favorite traditional Disney films are Mulan and Tarzan. 

Tarzan is so good and has such a cute message. Like, the whole thing when he’s a kid of Kala saying they aren’t that different is just such a good thing. Underneath, we’re all the same. It doesn’t matter how we look on the outside. 

Anyway, the part I find sad is 3 fold. The first part is when Kala and Kerchak’s baby gets eaten by Sabor whilst they’re sleeping. It’s so sad and it’s parallel with Tarzan and his parents, making it all the more sad.

The second part is when Tarzan finds out that Kala isn’t actually his mother and that his real parents were killed by Sabor when he was a baby. Then, he subsequently leaves to go back to England with Jane, telling his mother, “No matter where I go, you’ll always be my mother.”

The third part is Kerchak’s death and his final acceptance of Tarzan as his son. It’s a bittersweet moment as Kerchak quickly succombs to the gunshot wound inflicted by Clayton. 

Phil Collins music over the top of some of this just makes it sadder too so, y’know. 

Love me some Tarzan.

5. Monsters Inc

Now, we’re getting into the top 5 aka, films that made me a tearful mess.

No one does sadness quite like Disney and Pixar mixed together. 

Also, none of ya’ll can tell me you watched the ending of this film without crying, even a little bit. 

From the moment Boo shows up, we know that at some point, we’re going to have to say goodbye to her. She belongs in the human world; not their world.

And, despite not wanting to, we grow very attached to little Boo. She’s adorable and watching her slowly become a part of Sully’s life is heartwarming.

Now, you all know the scene I’m going to talk about.

When all is done, Boo has to go back through her floral door, no matter how much we don’t want her to go. It’s a hard scene to watch. Sully knows she has to leave but Boo excitably shows him all her toys before hugging Sully as he tells her that he has to leave. 

Saddest part? When Boo jumps out, giggles and throws open the door, thinking that ‘Kitty’ will be there but isn’t. It’s worse because she’s so little and doesn’t understand why he can’t stay or vice versa.

Of course, all is well because of Mike but you already knew that.

4. Toy Story 3

THIS FILM MAN. 

The funny thing about the entire Toy Story franchise is that, whilst Andy grows up, so does the audience which is why Toy Story 3 hurts and cuts so deep. For kids, films like this are great but for adults, there’s the undercurrent. 

Andy growing up is something every adult can relate to and from start to finish, we’ve been on this journey too. It’s a reminder to the audience that we have grown up too. We’re not kids anymore.

Now, this one is sad for many reasons; honorable mention to the incinerator scene. However, it’s the very end, when Andy gives his toys to Bonnie and plays with them one last time which is bittersweet to say the least. 

As he looks back, Andy thanks his toys for his childhood and the memories they have shared together and Woody simply utters, “So long, partner.”

It’s sad because every adult knows the feeling of having to give up the toys and enter into adulthood. It sucks but everyone has to grow up.

Toy Story 3 has a special place in my heart. The whole growing up thing has always been a hard thing for me personally so it resonates quite accurately.

3. Up

God… just the first 5 minutes of this movie has you in tears. 

It’s really astonishing how an animated film can make you feel so much in such a short amount of time without any dialogue or anything. Just some sequences and some music and you are weeping like a baby.

In the start of the movie, we see Carl find and fall in love with his sweetheart, Ellie. You see their life together. You see their marriage, their picnics, the house they build together. You see the sad stuff too, like when Ellie suffers a miscarriage and the couple are told they cannot have a child, prompting them to focus their dream on getting to Paradise falls instead by throwing change in a jar whenever they can.

Life slows this down and they live a long life into old age together, forgetting about their dream. Realizing this, Carl buys flight tickets and prepares to surprise Ellie on one of their routine picnics but Ellie collapses and is hospitalised, where she dies but not before handing her adventure book to her husband.

Ellie is a reoccurring character in the film, even after death as Carl becomes a miserable old man without his love. The rest of the film is top notch too but it’s the Carl and Ellie scenes that are upsetting for me.

Even later, when all is lost, Carl takes a minute to sit in his chair and look back through her adventure book. But, what he doesn’t realize is that Ellie kept it updated, sticking photos of their life together in the remaining pages and writing a message for him of, “Thanks for the adventure! Now go have a new one!” 

It’s the tender moments like that.. I just… ugh, Disney/Pixar are actually evil. This one is one I blubbered like a damn baby.

2. Big Hero 6

I know some of you are probably like wtf, how does this beat out some of those others? 

Idk, it just does. And it has a wicked soundtrack so brownie points and all.

It starts off sad straight from the get go, like really. 

Quickly into it, Tadashi is like the god send older brother. He loves his kid brother, no matter how stupid he can be. Anyway, he helps Hiro prepare for the showcase at Tadashi’s “nerd school” and after wowing everyone in the building with his microbots, is offered a place at the school by professor Callaghan. 

During the night, the two brothers go off and talk on a bridge when suddenly, a fire breaks out over in the main hall of the school. Tadashi and Hiro rush over and after learning professor Callaghan is still inside, Tadashi runs in to help, telling Hiro, “Someone has to help.” 

In complete Disney style, there is an explosion, killing Tadashi and apparently, Callaghan. It’s sad because of the bond shown between the two.

But, weirdly enough, the scene that gets me crying every time without fail is Baymax’s goodbye scene. Hiro and Baymax journey into the unstable portal to get Callaghan’s daughter who was thought to be dead but is actually in hypersleep. 

Whilst trying to get her pod back through the portal, Baymax and Hiro are hit by oncoming debris, partially damaging Baymax’s supersuit. He tells Hiro that he can still get him and Abigail to safety but cannot deactivate until Hiro says he is satisfied with his care. Hiro is stricken, telling him they will find another way to which Baymax tells him there isn’t any time and asks him for a final time if he is satisfied with his care.

This is sad because Hiro says, “No… I-I can’t lose you too.” 

Think about it. Baymax was created by Tadashi and so, Baymax really is the last piece of Tadashi and losing Baymax as well… it’s too much. Sadly, Hiro tells Baymax he is satisfied with his care and he is ejected back through the portal; a somewhat bittersweet ending to their rescue mission.

There are quite a few other mentions of sadness in this film too but… just go watch it if you haven’t. It’s a humdinger on the emotions.

1. Inside Out

I know, I know… you’re probably like whaaat!? Night!?

But, for some reason, this film… it just hits home for me. It’s a similar one to Toy Story, in a sense. It’s a movie about emotions and figuring those emotions out.

I think I cry more than I should with a particular part of this movie but… if you’ve never struggled with emotions then this will do nothing for you. Again, it’s a great movie for kids but for adults? It reinforces nostalgia and being a child. Disney really has a knack for hitting adults where it hurts.

So, the story follows Riley, an eleven year old girl who has just moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. She has to process all of this; leaving her hockey team behind, her friends and most of all, the place where she made all of her childhood memories. 

Throughout the film, we see two of her core five emotions seemingly getting in each other’s way. Joy and Sadness don’t work well together. Joy feels like Sadness simply wrecks the memories and after some problems, the two of them find themselves outside of the main emotional hub and to get back, they need to travel a long way, encountering many parts of Riley on the way.

Now… the scene that upset me the most and I’m talking… I cried so much, my sister was like what the fuck are you okay. It’s a horrible scene.

On their adventures, Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, a hobo style elephant creature who happens to be Riley’s old imaginary friend from when she was a child. He wanders around with them, trying to help them get back where they need to be. 

At some point, Joy and Bing Bong fall into an abyss known as “forgotten memories” which is typically things from Riley’s childhood which she no longer remembers as she has grown up. 

To get back up to the surface, Joy and Bing Bong use a little wagon from her childhood which they dig up from a mountain of old memories or fading memories, I should say.

After a few attempts, they fail yet again but Bing Bong notices that he is slowly fading away and prompts Joy to try one more time, telling her, “He has a good feeling about this one.”

As the wagon is about to take to the ramp, Bing Bong tells Joy to sing the song louder and taking this opportunity, jumps off the wagon and sacrifices himself to the forgotten memories just so Joy can make it. 

Here, have the pleasure of watching it:

The reason that this strikes me so much like right in the feels is because... an imaginary friend is like the epitome of childhood. It’s the one friend who is always there and you never think you’ll forget them or have to say goodbye. 

But, when you grow up, you don’t need that imaginary friend anymore and they fade away as you get older. 

I feel this a lot because I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and I thought we were inseparable. I even made my mum move on the bus because “Barney” would be sitting there, obviously! 

Again, this film... I think hits adults way harder than kids. It’s hard when you sit and think about growing up. No one wants to but you gotta at some point and you’re never gonna be prepared for it. Not being a kid... you can’t get ready for that. 

This film takes number one, mostly because of this scene. It’s so hard to watch, personally. Like it just tends to remind me that I’m not a kid anymore and that stage of my life is over which like it or not, is depressing. It’s a reminder that we’re getting older and life isn’t slowing down. 

God, ending it on a sad note but that’s my top 15. 

Hope you liked this and hey, if you stuck around to read all of it; go you. I salute you, ya trooper.

[everlarkficexchange]

The Misunderstanding Part One

Prompt 40: Katniss and Peeta are enemies and competing against the other. Can be as kids or adults. [submitted by @peetaspikelets​]

Special thanks to my beta @lovesbiggerthanpride one of the sweetest girls in our fandom! 

Prompt 40: - by @mega-aulover

Rated G

The Misunderstanding Part One

July 4, 1945

The annual District Twelve Summer Fair came was up in the districts massive field known as the meadow. It wasn’t a big district but the Summer Fair drew a lot of commerce for their small rural town. It was the event of the season and everyone came out to the four day event, culminating on the Fourth of July, with fireworks and a large barbeque.

Everyone this year was especially jovial since Germany unconditionally surrendered on May 8th; the news of the victory was a long time coming. They’d won half of the war even though Japan still hadn’t surrendered, but many were counting down the days for the Island Nation to give in.

“Oh, look at the merry-go round,” Prim said with glee.

Prim hugged Katniss and unable to contain herself Katniss laughed.  Prim hadn’t been to the fair as of yet, she’d gone on a Girls Scouts trip, her troupe were volunteering for the USO the past couple of days in a neighboring town.

This year, the fair was massive - various districts came to celebrate with them. Women were laughing and children ran freely under the influence of cotton candy and sticky sweets. Katniss could hear the familiar sound of a big band playing Glenn Miller’s ‘Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree’ in the background.

Aunt Effie had outdone herself this year, she was the organizer of the fair. Katniss’ stomach rumbled - she was hungry. Her sister had pushed her out of the house before she could eat.

“Oh look, Katniss, at the Ferris Wheel?” Prim clapped excitedly.

Katniss saw the rides, but the only one that interested her was the Ferris Wheel. Her plan was to go on the ride as the fireworks began tonight.  She’d saved up all of her money.

They headed towards where the competitions and game booths grounds were.

“Katniss, please can you win me one?”

Katniss glanced down at Prim; wide light blue eyes were focused in on a giant unicorn. No longer a child at 14, but to Katniss, Prim would still be that baby girl whom she helped rear when their world collapsed.

They were transplants from England. When the war began, Katniss was 12; her father was an RAF pilot was called to duty. He was one of the first casualties. Their mother went into shock, and Katniss at the age of 12 assumed the responsibility of their family. As the war progressed, things in London became worse. While cleaning up their flat, after an air raid by the German Luftwaffe, Katniss found a letter from her mother’s Aunt Effie who’d married Haymitch Abernathy, an American.

Knowing her mother needed help, she wrote to her Aunt Effie. Within a month, all three Everdeen girls were making the harrowing trip across the Atlantic, towards America. Her Aunt Effie was eccentric, but she and her Uncle Haymitch took care of them. The girls settled on the sprawling farm that her Uncle Haymitch ran.

“Please Katniss, don’t be a fuddy-duddy,” Prim begged.

Katniss maintained her English accent but Prim, having come over when she was only seven, sounded American. Prim was easily accepted; she was social, Katniss wasn’t.  She wasn’t as carefree as the other girls, and sometimes she was known as less than friendly. Truth be told, Katniss wasn’t comfortable around people. She didn’t know how to interact with them, so she kept to herself. Prim was the social and so bright and happy.  

Katniss questioned “Aren’t you too old for unicorn?”

Prim rolled her eyes. “Katniss, you can out shoot anyone here.”

Katniss grinned; she’d resumed hunting when they moved here. Back home as a child, her father had shown her how to track, walk soundlessly in the forest, and how to shoot with a bow and arrows.  When she moved to the US, she was a little lost.

Her Uncle Haymitch saw her archery picture and persuaded her to shoot her arrows on the side of the old farm house they didn’t use. Gale a boy, who worked for her Uncle, caught her shooting, asked her if she wanted to hunt with him. He became her best mate, and was away in the Pacific, having chosen the Navy to join when he turned 18, two years ago.

“Okay, Prim, I’ll see,” Katniss said. She stood in front of the ball tossing game. “I can’t promise you anything.”

Katniss walked up with purpose to the booth. The man manning the game wore a dark shirt and pants. “Hi there, pretty girl. You want to take your chance at the ball toss?”

Katniss was about to answer when the voice that kept her up half the night from behind her spoke. Her heart rate doubled the moment she felt his shadow next to her.

“Nope, I am.”

Katniss spun around to see Peeta Mellark, the school’s golden boy standing next to her. His cheeks were red and his curly blond bangs hung over his forehead. He was handsome and Katniss didn’t like him. Not because he wasn’t nice or good looking or because he smelled incredible. Taking a sniff involuntarily, Katniss’ lashes wanted to slide shut for a minute to appreciate his scent. He smelled like the bread he baked - the bread she received in that care package.

Her eyes narrowed, and the darker side of her mind took over.

Katniss suspected him of being a closet door ax murderer disguised at the good looking guy next door. She was about to argue, but the table filled up with his gawking, squealing admirers, with their bobby socks and high ponytails. Katniss grimaced as Peeta took each ball and tossed them in the air like a clown would. They had a history, something that made them enemies, she purposefully clenched her jaw.

“Oh, Peeta, you’re so sweet to help Katniss,” A girl named Glimmer breathed.

“Peeta you should be nominated King of the Dance.”

Katniss wanted to retch. She rolled her eyes and stood back angrily with her arms akimbo. He put them back in the basket.

Peeta bit his bottom lip, his face scrunched up as if he were concentrating. To the casual observer, Peeta was trying hard, but Katniss noted the way his eyes were searching. They were filtering the holes of the large milk cans. She stood up straighter as she watched him pick three. He tossed one the way she seen a girl pitch a softball. It landed directly in the hole. He repeated jar after jar. This wasn’t skill or precision, he used knowledge.

A teenage feminine roar went up when the man at the stand proclaimed Peeta the winner. Katniss scowled when Peeta picked out the Unicorn her sister wanted.

“Here you go, Primrose,” Peeta said.

“Thank you Peeta,” Primrose blushed.

“Your welcome,” Peeta grinned then his eyes lifted up toward Katniss.

Katniss scowled at him. She wanted to tell Prim not to accept the Unicorn, but she couldn’t break her sister’s heart. “Prim, I bet I can beat Peeta. Pick another prize.”

Katniss didn’t wait for her sister to say anything as she slammed down her nickel. When she scooped up the balls, she immediately understood that Peeta was looking for the balanced ones. She chose the best three and they easily landed on the top of the milk can, “Which one, Prim?”

Prim looked to Peeta then said, “The dolphin.”

The man gave Prim the dolphin.

Peeta raised his eyebrow at Katniss, directing his smile at her sister.  “Prim, do you want another one?”

“Sure,” Prim answered.  Her blue eyes watching as Peeta moved on to a strong man game. With ease, he lifted the heavy mallet and struck the plate. The ball went skyrocketing and hit the bell, a light flashed.

His harem clapped and giggled. This infuriated Katniss even further.

Katniss knew she didn’t have the strength Peeta Mellark did. So as her sister claimed her ugly cupid doll, she went to the rifles picked one up and easily shot five ducks in a row. It caused quite the stir amongst the men.

Katniss turned around triumphantly, giving Peeta an “anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better” look. A lot of people were amazed at her accuracy. She hated the attention she got, but loved the look of surprise on Peeta’s face.

“Miss, your frog,” The man at the booth said.

“Give it to my little sister.”

The man gave Prim the frog.

This began their competition during the day. They rushed over to the three-legged race. The gaggle of girls followed Peeta. Katniss wanted to throttle Glimmer, she was loud and obnoxious. Peeta paired up with his brothers and Katniss grabbed one of Gale’s brothers. Peeta won the race; he and his brother had a longer stride. Upset, Katniss turned her attention to the apple dunking competition. Her speed and agility gave her the upper hand.

Afterwards, they competed over various games - from the ring toss, the ball bounce, the filling up the balloon the quickest game, to the milk can bowling game. Some Katniss won, some Peeta won. They even went up against each other in the potato sack and he egg and spoon races.

Poor Primrose had her arms full. She gave some of her prizes to some of the poorer kids.

Katniss and Peeta stood side by side at the balloon dart throw game. The screeching mob as Katniss now called his fan base, were busily shouting for him. This didn’t distract her as much as his darn baker’s scent - cinnamon mixed with dill, two of her favorite ingredients. They held their darts, squaring against each other. Katniss pushed her braid to the side. She was determined to win this last round.

There was a point to be proven. She wanted to tell him her family didn’t take handouts but the fact is they did. She learned Peeta helped her Aunt send the bread over night. His brother a pilot, who was flying to England, delivered the bread to along with the notice of their journey and the passages. They were all hungry as the row of the places they purchased food was destroyed a week before they left. The bread saved their lives until they gotten on board the ship.

Katniss focused on a golden ticket on the line, for a free ride.  She closed her eyes before opening to see Peeta shoot. It popped. Then another. He had one dart left. His cheering squad made noise and Katniss could see he was losing his concentration. She wanted to win this fair and square so she hushed the girls.

Peeta glanced at her in surprise, but she shrugged it off. He squared his shoulders and narrowed his vision. He threw the last dart, but it missed and a chorus of deflated awe’s from his fan base was heard. Katniss wanted to crow triumphantly.

When it was her turn, Katniss easily threw the darts and she won. The man gave the golden ticket. But when she presented it to Prim, her little sister was busily looking over her shoulder at Peeta. Katniss felt a little defeated; her kid sister was more interested in her nemesis than the hard won prize.

Walking over, Peeta rubbed the back of his head, with a blush on his face. “That was a great shooting, Katniss.”

Katniss rolled her eyes, not wanting to reply.  Though her traitorous little sister began to flap her mouth away.

“Thank you for all of the prizes Peeta, I know I gave most of them away but I’m going to keep the Unicorn.”

Katniss rolled her eyes, and balled her fist nearly crumbling the golden ticket in her hand.

“I’m glad you kept the most important one,” he winked at Prim.

Prim gushed, “It’s the first one you won me.”

Katniss stood with her mouth opened, feeling jealous.

“See you later Katniss,” Peeta said casually as he walked away.

“Never going to happen,” Katniss muttered under her breath thinking only Prim heard her.

“Never say never,” Peeta tossed over his shoulder winking at Katniss.

“He’s such an ace,” Prim gushed her face was filled with admiration.

Katniss had forgotten her sister was there. “Prim!”

“He is so good looking, and he likes you.”

“No,” Katniss shook her head in disgust, but she did take a second glance at his butt.

Prim gave her a “don’t-you-dare-lie-to-me” face. “What, you like him, I can tell.”

She stubbornly held onto her belief, “I do not like Peeta Mellark, Primrose Everdeen.”

Prim gave her a superior look, “You do too! You’re just lying to yourself.”

Both sisters stared at each other, not wanting to look away. Katniss however lost the competition. She hated to admit it; she like all of the girls in town had a crush on Peeta. He was good looking, but she didn’t want allow herself to feel anything for him. Katniss huffed and moved away from the games toward the food vendors. She was hungry but she spent all of her allowance on the races and games.

“I knew it, Katniss and Peeta sitting under a tree K. I. S. S. I. N. G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage,” Prim sang as she strode by Katniss side. Katniss quickened her pace wanting to give herself some space from Prim’s teasing. Her sister was taller with longer legs and was and was able to keep up to Katniss.

“Prim,” Katniss uttered in a warning tone.  Her sister stopped singing, but carried her Unicorn as if it was a jewel of England.

“Seriously, why don’t you like Peeta? He’s so killer-diller.”

“Because…”  Katniss had never told anyone the story.

“Why,” Prim insisted.

Katniss sighed. Her sister stood tapping her black and white saddle shoe holding her stuffed prize in her arms. Prim looked all of twelve monetarily, but her chin held a determined tilt.  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Nope,” Prim narrowed her blue eyes.

“Fine,” Katniss relented. “Come on, let’s go find somewhere you can tell me this story.”

Prim took her by the hand and led her to a tree, where they sat down. “Okay, spew your guts, sister. Why do you dislike Peeta Mellark?”

Katniss sighed, “When we first arrived, I made a steak and kidney pie to thank his family.”

“That was nice,” Primrose frowned before gazing at her sister with a question, “Wasn’t that father’s favorite?”

Katniss picked up a blade of grass and nodded. She’d worked hard on making the very meal that her father loved.  Looking towards the fairgrounds, she added, “You how important food was for us back home, Prim, you do remember that right?”

Prim nodded, “I remember how hard it was after Father died. How Mom became so sad. The noise and being scared, we were always hungry.”

“We didn’t have much in food. With Mom not working, we couldn’t afford anything. I sold as much as I could. Our next door neighbor, Mr. Edmonds, shared with us some of his provision. After he passed away, we had no one to help us. The bread Rye Mellark brought to us lasted the week and the journey to the ship.”

“I remember the American pilot who came to our house with the package, he helped us get to the ship.”

“If we had stayed there we would’ve have died. The day we left there was another raid and it fell on our flat.” For Katniss, it became important for Prim about the past, as much as she wanted to forget it, it helped form who she was.

“So what happened, after you made the pie?”

“I left the bakery, but I’d forgotten my gloves. I went back to the bakery and I saw Peeta throwing out the pie in the garbage. He looked so angry.”

“Oh Katniss, I never knew,” Prim said.

Katniss didn’t say anything. She’d felt so bad and unwanted at that moment when she saw him throw out the pie she worked so hard to make. She saved up to buy the meat and the ingredients.  At thirteen, her hopes were crushed.

Prim squeezed her Unicorn against her chest. “I’m sure it was a misunderstanding. Why wouldn’t they at least try it?”

“I don’t know,” Katniss closed her eyes.

“You need to talk to him, Katniss, you know find out why he did it. Because that doesn’t sound like Peeta,” Prim defended. “He’s one of the nicest people. Something must have happened. Not to speak ill of the dead, but you know his mother wasn’t a nice woman. I bet you she had something to do with it.”

Katniss had never thought of Peeta’s mother. But then she recalled his look - pure disgust and anger. “Prim, I told you why, now drop it.”

Her sister was going to open her mouth when Vic and Rory, Gale’s younger brothers, came into view.

“Prim!” Rory called out.

“Hey, Prim,” Vic waved.

“Come on, they are going to name the winners,” the boys called.

“Go on, Prim. Go with Vic and Rory,” Katniss said.

“Okay, just promise me, you’ll talk to him, today, Katniss.”  Prim stood, looming over her.

Katniss had no choice, “Fine, I promise. Now go.”

Prim left leaving Katniss thinking about the past. She thought about how many people didn’t know how to react to her. How long it took her to sleep without waking up several times in the night in sheer terror. It took her a long time ago to acclimate and it didn’t help that she wasn’t talkative. She kept to herself mostly, helping her Aunt with her mother.

Perhaps, Katniss thought to herself, her sister was correct. It was true Peeta never hurt anyone.  He was competitive but he was a gentleman through to the end. Taking a fist full of grass, she threw it, feeling conflicted.

She liked Peeta Mellark, but Katniss wondered if she wanted to admit to herself that she was somehow wrong about him. Her pride won over and instead of facing the truth, she closed herself off and willed herself to sleep. Peeta was her nemesis.

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE NINE: “NOW THINGS ARE GETTING MESSIER” - JAKE

So full disclosure, this is the first time i've ever really betrayed a close ally in TS and it feels bad ???? IDK i'm not used to being the bad guy. Honestly, say what you want but Chris' blood is all over my hands. I'm the one who went around telling people that Chris/Malik/Dennis were close and I am the one who was there for the villains as their extra number. I'm not relying on my physical game this season and it's a way different vibe..... should make for an interesting game moving forward

Well, at last nights tribal Chris went home 5-4-3. I was not shocked, I knew that would happen. I also knew that by taking part in that I was pretty much cutting my ties with Dennis and Malik. Malik seems really mad at me, which yeah I get but also I think it wouldn't have been smart to tell him. I needed to show my loyalty to the villains; most of whom do not trust him. I think I've gotten in close enough with the people that have sway in this game (minus Jake) to do some damage moving forward. I am taking this all one day at a time at this point.

WHEW SOOOOOOO the first merge vote happened...I feel like the devil but I look good in red so hehe. BASICALLY I was able to get everyone to target Chris instead of one of the Armonia heroes which was high key about to happen. Both Matt and Nicklas wanted Ned gone and Ned is a ride or die for me so they really thought. Unfortunately it meant the only way I could get the target on Chris was by exposing his idol, because I couldn’t without it. So I told Ned to tell Sarah knowing Sarah would tell The Huntresses. What I did not expect to happen was for her to tell me first and IMMEDIATELY after Ned told her. I think she really trusts me???? Am I starting to trust her???? Do girls really run the world???? So anyways Sarah and I devise a plan to split the vote between Chris and someone else, Matt and Sarah push for Malik and I really wanted to fight it. Not because I wanted to save Malik, fuck him to the fuckteenth degree. But I would have really loved to NOT split the vote against the two only black people on the tribe (now we said it.gif). But standing up for Malik puts a target on OG Armonia and at the end of the day Malik has proven he doesn’t want to work with me so forget you, go home, good bye. I just feel so bad for Chris because I’m the reason he was the target...but it was the best move for me and I don’t care how nice you are, I will always do what I need to, to win. That’s why I’m a villain, that’s why I’m a two time winner, and that’s unfortunately why Chris is the merge boot. Now looking at the merge and my relationships, Ned and I are better than ever. We had another heart to heart and he’s such a stand up guy, I’ve grown to care for him alot in the game. Because of that I can’t betray him at this point, but it’s nice because I don’t think I need to. His inactivity reminds me a lot of L’Shei. A smart loyal ally who only really talks to me...that’s not a bad deal when it comes time to who you vote for at the end. And I’m trying to get him to push his relationship with Sarah and get close to her, so that she will protect him and I won’t have to reveal how close I am to him. Plus with Sarah and I getting closer, I could see us goils going really far together. The only wrench in that is Nicklas knows I was a part of a plan to take her out, so Nicklas continues to be a threat to my game. I want him out faster than a queer in college. BUTTTT it’s hard because he’s tight af with Jake. If I look at the threats to me winning objectively, it’s Nicklas, Jake and Kurt…Nicklas and Jake because they are smart enough to know they need to take me out. Kurt because he’s so likable, he hasn’t pissed anyone off (because I’m doing that for us), and he’s enough of a gamer. Like if Kurt wins against me it’s earned, if I win against Kurt it’s earned, our games are pretty tight. I have no issue getting rid of Nicklas, I have no issue getting rid of Jake when I need to because I know he’ll do the same, I don’t know if I can take Kurt out...I really don’t....I would feel like the worst human on earth. Last time I played I knew there was no way I could win, but this time I want that third crown. The question towards the end of the game is going to be: how fucking much bitch...how fucking much.

*a little bit lateR*

I know that now that i'm not winning immunity FLAKJDS that I need to protect myself. As much as I DESPISE Malik, I know it’s smart to get him on my side right now because he has no one and is desperate...and y'all know how I love desperation hehe, it's a delicious meal with a side of unyielding loyalty. He wants to get an alliance going but I'm telling him that's impossible because of everyone's intertwining connections and the best thing to do is to keep our allegiance to each other a secret so we can keep each other safe from our opposing sides. This is necessary because if people want to make a move against me, they are going to think Malik is an easy number to do that with, so they are going to go to him to make the move, and then he's going to come to me. Covering my bases and this thicc ass. I’m also not going to tell Jake about this, point blank and the period I don’t trust him right now and I need to play him like I did Sid in Tonga, wait for him to start the foundation of a move against me not realizing I got bear traps all along his route. I’m not sure what this next vote is, all I know is I need to keep Malik protected without people thinking Armonia is getting the band back together. Right now my three biggest targets are Nicklas/Dennis/Andreas because I have no relationship with them and I have a relationship with everyone else. I don’t know how to get the vote on one of them because they all have deep connections in the game, but I need to think of something and soon because if not, an Armonia person is leaving and that hurts my game drastically. If I could get the vote on Chris when it was supposed to be Malik or Ned...I can do it again. Also catch my fake ass talking about destroying tribe lines at tribal council KFLJASD

Wow so tribal went very smooth, like butter. Chris is gone, his idol is gone, his kindness is gone, we have no room for any of that here. This is a villains season. And this is great because I’m like “villains strong omg guys” but in the back of my mind I know these shady motherfuckers are gonna start plotting, it’s inevitable. I’d be naive to think otherwise. The only problem with this vote was that it involved lying to Malik which is literally what I’ve been doing this entire game, but this time it’s more direct. It will be exposed and for the first time I risked burning that bridge with him entirely. Luckily he is very easy to manipulate and I feel like after literally two paragraphs and some guilt trips later (because he didn’t include me in on how he was voting, oh boohoo poor me), he was back in my pocket. God I love being evil and beautiful.

I sucked at immunity, which is great! I do not want to come off as a comp threat and give anyone any reason to come at me. I know that sounds like bullshit and it’s like “come on, one immunity won’t kill”. See, I entirely agree, but I want people to underestimate me and consider me weak, at least until f8. The other issue is that I actually already won an immunity this season, pre merge, but it was still individual immunity. I don’t want to rack up wins quite yet. If people think I’m easy to beat, at least comp wise, I have no issue with them keeping me around for that sole reason.

Last night was not good for me!! Once again no one was chatting, while Sarah was keeping me up to date on whats happening in the villains and huntresses groups. THEN Nicklas comes at me from left field and tells me that people know me and Sarah are close friends which was inevitable but I think puts a huge target on me. I took a big risk last round turning on the heroes and if the villains aren't willing to work with me right now I might be in a tangly spot.

Also okay so Andreas did some sleuthing and found some stuff.... SO I was on the wiki and saw this random account edited the Santorini page? So I was curious and clicked on the profile, and it turns out to be Sharifa. Cool enough. SO THEN i see she's active on this 'Survivor: Side Seasons' wiki ???? So once again im curious, I click on it. She made her first edit on this wiki in 4 years on Feb 19th, 4 days after the game began. She removed herself as listed as a host from a season, and turns out that kurt and matt both played in this season. Interesting and also questionable.

Sry I haven’t confused in a hot minute. Okay so we merged and right off the bat it was a little messy between sharifa and nicklas because I’m trying hard to get them to trust each other but sharifa thinks that Nicklas is too smart and will clock us. Tbh at this point I think it’s a lost cause. At the beginning of merge, Kurt tells me that lukas told him that ned told his last tribe that I wanted him to be Ammonia strong, and then Nicklas confirmed that to me and that everyone on his old tribe knows. So I blew up on Ned, who tells me that he told Malik who told Chris and Dennis because they’re close and that he’s really sorry about it. So was kinda annoyed that he was barely on but had time to accidentally almost ruin my game! So the votes happening and all of a sudden the villains chat is working together? Like oh? Someone found out that Chris has an idol and I am fully onboard to target his trio. We decide to split the votes between Chris and Malik and Chris goes. Now things are getting MESSIER. Someone told Sarah that sharifa has been saying her and andreas are friends which is a yikes. I only ever told Nicklas that but never mentioned sharifa saying it. I was hoping for an Andreas blindside because he has connections and is close to Sarah who has an idol, but clearly we got RATS on this island. (Eyes Lukas) Soooo things are probably going to be messy af tonight but I would like to work with Dennis to make a move since he tried building a bridge w me yesterday, but I also know he did it to multiple people so it might not be truly beneficial to me... whatever we’ll see!

Honestly sharifa thinking ned is loyal to her is so funny He told me about chris’s idol and he told sharifa and she be like omg ned pls tell sarah this so we can both know Bitch i already knew bc andreas/ned/I are close af Anyways, nick is starting to say that were close and we just merged so i really dont need that shit so im trying to convince sharifa and the others that he needs to GO matt is awol again so we really need to sort thay shit out. Im in a villains alliance but i want to be the first person to switch on it bc ned/andreas are heroes and i cant have the villains just completely demolishing them bc thats ugly Anyways its so fucking hard protecting them when im in an alliance with CRAZIES

So villains have agreed unanimously again that we’re going to pick off another hero, and because Ned and Andreas proved last tribal that they were willing to work with us, we decided to spare those two. That means once again the vote came down to Malik and Dennis. Sarah and Nicklas were both very outspoken to multiple people that they didn’t want to vote Dennis, which definitely raised some red flags. Why lobby to keep Dennis if you’re not aligned with him and Malik is the perfect goat? It was just very suspicious. ANYWAYS, we convinced Sarah to vote Dennis due to Lukas and I using the logic that Dennis is a much smarter player and it’s dangerous to keep him in, and of course if sarah did have something going with Dennis or any reason to keep him, she sure as shit wasn’t going to fight logic in the villains alliance chat. That would expose her. And she only does well at blowing her shit up behind the scenes, not in the open. So basically where I’m getting at with this is that the vote is going to Dennis by the looks of it.

I realized I won’t give these people the satisfaction of seeing me upset if I leave. It’s not even with the energy or to see them smile and laugh like they accomplished something in their life. Imma just do what I usually do these days is laugh it off and wish everyone the best of luck. Because that’s what a true player does.

[paradoxicalca]

r/hockey NHL Power Rankings Week 9: Flying High Edition

/r/Hockey NHL Power Rankings Week Nov 25, 2019 - Dec 1, 2019Thank YouThank you to all of the volunteers doing the power rankings. Each ranker has their own system and have their own reasonings and analyis. It truly is a lot of work.RankersSpoilerOrganizersSpoilerVisualizationThe visualization contains historical data, so you can see how your team has done over time. Hopefully, we can run this for many years in hopes that we can see the rise and fall of teams by /r/hockey opinion.It automatically updates so feel free to bookmark. You can find it hereProcessHow does this work? Throughout the course of the week rankers are able to access an app that will allow them to rank teams. At the end of the period we calculate the average ranking for every team and collate all of the analysis provided by rankers.The app then generates a post that is first proofread and then posted to /r/hockey!Rankings (27/31 Rankers Reporting)Ranking (avg)TeamDeltaOverall RecordRecord This WeekComments1 (1.42)Boston Bruins219-3-54-0-0🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝2 (2.06)Washington Capitals-19-4-53-0-0Squeaking by the Cats and Wings wasn't great, but coming back from way behind against the rounding-into-form Bolts was the kind of victory that makes you believe. I recognize that I'm (mildly) complaining about a 3-0-0 week but the only important thing in regular season hockey is process, am I right or am I right. Nicky come back soon we all miss you dearly, Carlson start scoring again Edmonton's getting ideas, and Sammy my sweet darling muffin keep doing everything you're doing you're a perfect little angel in net. Go Caps.3 (3.97)St. Louis Blues217-5-63-0-1Down our best goal-scorer, our veteran 2-way forward, and our breakout young guys from last year and this year, the Blues haven't lost a step. The O'Reilly-Perron connection continues to be a thing of beauty, our captain is putting up a Norris-worthy season so far, and Binnington looks to be here to stay (Snake isn't half bad either). 5/6 points on a road trip through Tampa, Nashville and Dallas is nothing to scoff at. This team has an incredible amount of balance and resiliency. Once again, it's a great time to be a Blues fan.4 (4.73)New York Islanders-317-5-21-2-0The streak came to a crashing halt with 1 point in 3 games on the California road trip. Thomas Greiss seemed to have hurt something on Saturday night, will be a situation to monitor closely for Isles fans. Another worthwhile note is Anders Lee ended his goal drought during the first game he was reunited with Barzal and Bailey.5 (5.33)Colorado Avalanche216-8-23-0-0The Big Moose is back and I think the NHL needs to be afraid. The Mackinnon show wasn't over earning a 2nd Star of the Month Mr. Novemeber kept this team above .500 in Mikko and Gabes absence. This week saw us take advantage of McDavid and Draisaitl not at their best, then two thrashings of the Hawks. The team is starting to get healthier but we also lost Burakovsky this week, so the hockey gods give and take. Next up is a hockey mecca road trip as we take on Toronto, Montreal & Boston. Makalder update: Makar only had 1 goal this week, but with Johnson out he took over as our #1 RHD. He still has a bit of work to do to become a full blown #1 dman but I would not be surprised if he has that role firmly handled by the time Johnson comes back.6 (8.42)Edmonton Oilers-217-9-31-2-0Small slide for the Oilers with losses to the Avs and the Canucks. They did still pull out a victory against the Canucks today. The Oilers are in a bit of a pickle. McDavid and Drai have slowed for 5-on-5 (for their standards), and Nuge and Kassian are injured. Both losses were thanks to poor games against them. Notably, certain key players are putting together some poor performances (like Nurse). The team still, somehow, remains at the top of the division but now the Blues have create some separation for top of the West. The next week is games against the Sens, Kings and Sabres. Oh, and I forgot. Archibald finally got his goal. Some results for the hard work he's done so far this season.7 (9.21)Carolina Hurricanes-116-10-11-2-0If it wasn’t for the heroics for James Reimer on Saturday this could have been a winningless week. With Boston coming up the boys better be on their A game8 (9.88)Philadelphia Flyers1215-7-54-0-0The flyers have literally gotten the most points out of the NHL (AFAIK) in november, are 5th in the league, yet still only 3rd in the Metro. I hate the Metro. Aside from that, we went a perfect 4-0-0 this week, had a lot of good things happen this week. Ghost was scratched for two games, but that was good for him. Hagg played well enough to then force Myers to sit, which doesn’t sit well with most of the fanbase but was also the right decision. We could still use our veterans contributing more, but we are managing depth contributions pretty well and that’s a definite positive. Hopefully you all had a wonderful thanksgiving, and now its back to the last few weeks of school. NHL PLEASE LET THE SENS/WINGS/KINGS GO ANY ORDER OF 1/2/3 IN THE DRAFT LOTTERY SO THE WEAPONIZATION OF THE METRO CAN BE SLOWED. thanks for coming to my ted talk, Praise Gritty.9 (9.94)Dallas Stars-15-10-31-2-110 (10)Winnipeg Jets116-10-12-1-0This week featured a road trip through California, a trip I fully expected the Jets to emerge 2-1-0. And they did, but they lost to the least expected one of the bunch. Flashes of brilliance and signs of stupidity abound. Our goal differential is finally positive again, so that's a start. Not much to say other than the Jets keep defying the advanced stats underneath them. Next week features a home-and-home with Dallas, the central team that just passed us in the standings. Should be fun, provided Benn doesn't go god mode again.11 (11.45)Arizona Coyotes-214-9-50-1-212 (11.52)Pittsburgh Penguins-114-9-42-2-0As much as he has been the fire since Crosby has been out Malkin cannot carry this team alone.13 (12.85)San Jose Sharks615-12-13-1-0Another solid week for the Sharks, who moved into a divisional playoff spot for the first time this season. The team is still plagued by consistency issues as seen in the 1st Kings game and the Jets game, but picking up 3 wins this week wasn't a bad thing. Very nice to see the first win this season when trailing after the 1st period, all the early deficits this season have felt much bigger than they are and hopefully the team can turn that around. Goodrow and Gregor are looking really confident, and the forward lines are meshing really well. Go Šimek!14 (15.85)Florida Panthers213-8-51-1-0Judge Driedger shined in the Panthers' most complete game of the season against Nashville. Bob has been temporarily taken off the case.15 (16.61)Vegas Golden Knights-13-11-42-1-0Vegas going into their New York road trip winners of two straight hard fought games against Nashville and Arizona. They have not won three straight all season and they get a chance against Rangers on Monday.16 (17.09)Toronto Maple Leafs513-11-42-1-0The search for a backup goalie is on. The Leafs are now 4-1 under new head coach Sheldon Keefe, with their only loss being played with a backup goalie, this time on the front of a back-to-back. Michael Hutchison got another opportunity, and although the team didn't play great in front of him, the Leafs rely on Andersen to make the big saves to keep the momentum on their side, and they always miss it when he's not in net. Earlier in the week, it was a 6-0 win over the almost-emergency-goalie Red Wings, which isn't very impressive because they suck, but it's nice to see if you're a Leafs fan, as this team always seemed to struggle against bad teams under Babcock. On top of that, the PK looks much better and is getting the results, too. PP is looking good in small sample size too. An OT win against the Sabres at home on Saturday night wrapped up a solid week for the team. A tough week ahead, with the red-hot Flyers, Avalanche (B2B) and Blues up next.17 (17.09)Tampa Bay Lightning-412-9-31-2-1Not a good week for the Lightning, collecting only 3 points in 4 games. Kuch seems to be picking it up again, scoring 2/6/8 in 4 games. Point is as well, with 3 goals this week. Stamkos was invisible on the scoresheet this week, which is a concern, but Point a Kuch starting to pick up the pace might be what this team needs to start winning some games. As of right now I really don't have high hopes for this team, I would be surprised with a playoff appearance at this point. Can't get swept in the first round if you don't make the playoffs.18 (17.39)Vancouver Canucks-413-11-41-3-019 (17.48)Nashville Predators-212-10-42-1-1It was the Preds of times, it was the Perds of times, it was the age of Fabbro, it was the age of our third pairing, it was the epoch of comebacks, it was the epoch of playing 59:59.7, it was the season of Carr, it was the season of Olivier, it was the spring of Juuse Startos, it was the winter of being shutout, we had Duchene before us, we had no Turris before us, we were all going direct to the Playoffs, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest fans insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.20 (18.64)New York Rangers513-9-33-0-1Very very solid week. A 3-0-1 record is feeling fantastic. Zucc returned to MSG to start off the week, and we pulled out an OT win against the Wild. Next we took out the Canes and Hank made 41 saves. We fell to the Bruins in OT, but we won't talk about that. But what we will talk about is shutting out the Devils 4-0. We scored 2 shorthanded goals, which was beautiful. I'm hoping we can keep it going with this momentum into next week. LGR.21 (20.52)Buffalo Sabres-312-10-51-1-2Buffalo has managed to squeak out a win and two overtime losses against two teams struck with coaching controversy this week, which isn't bad if you look at the rest of November's record. It feels like Eichel is carrying the team at this point, and if you look at the rest of our team it reinforces that feeling. He's on pace for over 100 points; unfortunately, however, the team is on pace for 88. One more interesting stat: with split starts, Linus Ullmark (13 starts) has allowed 1 fewer goal on 3 more shots than Carter Hutton (14 starts).22 (20.61)Calgary Flames-13-12-42-0-123 (22.64)Montreal Canadiens-1111-10-60-3-1To fully understand how it feels to be a Habs fan right now, I suggest a reading of Byron's "Darkness". #41 is deep! Since that distant win in D.C., the Habs are in free-fall. 8 straight losses and counting. Hope and patience are in short supply, and those fans sober enough to discuss it are often philosophical, with an eye toward history, wondering how long we have to wait until this team is a real contender again. No matter how you measure it, we can all agree it's been a while. Many fans expect change is on the horizon, whether in the form of a trade, or a coaching change, or whatever. Others expect an even darker road ahead. "Their feeble breath blew for a little life, and made a flame which was a mockery." Damn right.24 (22.67)Minnesota Wild412-11-43-0-1Suddenly the Wild are playing...not terrible? They're unbeaten in regulation for 9 straight games now, going 6-0-3; imagine if they knew how to play 3v3 hockey. A stick tap to Kaptain Koivu for the shootout winner Sunday in his 1000th game. No doubt #9 will be the first player to have his number retired with the Wild when he hangs it up. There's a lot of the season left to be played; once mid-December rolls around, the schedule completely flips and Minnesota gets 18 of 22 games at home. How many points they get in that stretch will align perfectly with the trade deadline and GM Bill Guerin should act accordingly based on their chances (even if they're within reach of a spot, the Wild should not be buyers - it's sell or stay put.)25 (23)Anaheim Ducks-212-12-32-1-0This team continues to meet expectations s of a non playoff team with too much talent to tank for a top draft pick. It really sucks watching this team claw to a shootout loss in Arizona and then not show up to play against Winnipeg on Friday. Stay tuned for the battle for the basement on Monday with the first ducks v kings in Anaheim.26 (24.88)Columbus Blue Jackets111-11-42-2-0.500 in a tough week and made up no ground in the standings. Werenski is out for 4 weeks. Elvis is still without a win. The power play does seem to be clicking, so I guess we got that going for us.27 (25.91)Chicago Blackhawks-110-11-51-2-0Saturday, Duncan Keith missed just the 18th game in his 1102 game NHL career due to injury. Drake Caggiula and Dylan Strome are both out with concussions. Patrick Kane extended his point streak to 15 games. His 11G, 13A - 24P in November are the most points of any month in his career. Alex DeBrincat has been held goal-less in 11 straight games, but has managed to contribute 9 assists in that span. After allowing only 1 goal in 2 games against Dallas, the Blackhawks committed defensive atrocities against Colorado, such as this.28 (26.61)Los Angeles Kings111-14-22-1-1Same old hollywood story. Wish I had something exciting to add...29 (28.12)Ottawa Senators-511-15-10-4-0This is exactly the kind of week the Sens needed after our recent success in the standings - a pure focused noseline dive away from "contender" territory and firmly into the "rebuilding" zone. The Wings have really stepped up their tanking game with a remarkable 9 game losing streak, and the Sens have a LOT of ground to cover in Operation DernièrePourLafrenière. It's also reassuring in the midst of this much needed losing streak to see Marcus Hogberg a good game versus the Flames; he will likely be backup to Nilsson next season when we, hopefully, are less interested in picking first overall.30 (29.18)New Jersey Devils-9-12-41-2-0Are you kidding me? Beating the Habs must have been a fluke Thanksgiving miracle. How in the love of hockey gods do you go 0/8 on the powerplay in a single game, including a game misconduct 5 min PP?? Normallyy I try to give a more extensive blurb but at this point there is almost no good to the "Good, Bad, Ugly" breakdown. This team is god damn mess. We put up 6 against the Habs, then lose to the Wild and get shut out by the Rags? I'd be less salty if I didn't have the misfortune of spending Saturday at the Rock to watch that travesty become a home game for the Rangers. There weren't even enough red jerseys at the end of the game to do "Fire Hynes" chant if we wanted too. The only reason that we aren't 31st is because Detroit has come completely unhinged in terms of bad. Hughes is hurt, which is honestly just icing on the 7 layer shit cake. Hall (+Vatanen and Simmonds) is gone unless we get some sort of divine intervention. It's only December 1st, and I'm ready to pack this season in.31 (30.94)Detroit Red Wings-7-19-30-3-0Just a couple notes since thinking about this team gives me a migraine * Fastest team to reach a -50 goal differential in the last 20 years * Mantha out with injury at the usual time of the year * Larkin slumping * Goalies can't stay healthy or buy a save. * Fabbri is the GOAT r/hockey NHL Power Rankings Week 9: Flying High Edition Source

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Dobber with thoughts on Chiarelli, Talbot’s future, his Midseason Awards ballot and more (Jan 28)

Ramblings: Dobber with thoughts on Chiarelli, Talbot’s future, his Midseason Awards ballot and more (Jan 28)

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I released the 11th annual Midseason Fantasy Guide just 17 days ago – still relevant thanks to the All-Star Break pressing pause on the season, but won’t be for much longer. It has deeper, more-ready prospect info, plus KHL/Euro/NCAA free agents, trade block musings, an analysis of your league’s playoff schedule and of course second-half projections. It’s a great way to step back and take a look at your team, take a look at your league, and figure out a strategy for the second half. It also supports the site and damn if it isn’t a great read. It’s also my longest ever at 231 (!) pages. Pick it up here!

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Regarding the Peter Chiarelli firing. I thought he did a solid job in Boston, especially early on, and thought Edmonton hired a good one. Clearly I was wrong. But one thing I won’t pin on him is his drafting of Jesse Puljujarvi. He had to draft him or fans would have been up in arms. Besides that, Puljujarvi was widely believed to have fallen into his lap as a gift. I begrudge him the Hall for Larsson deal as a bad trade, but that’s also a statement of the way things are in the NHL. If Larsson was a forward, that deal doesn’t happen. If Larsson was making $6 million per year, that deal doesn’t happen. If Larsson was an RFA, that deal doesn’t happen. In the salary cap era where decent minute-munching defensemen with upside are a rare commodity, they become overpriced. So it was a bad deal, but not the worst in NHL history as many say (I also never in a million years would have guessed Hall would ever win the Hart Trophy). I figured at the time it was the 20th best forward in the league who is injury prone, for the 65th best defenseman in the league who has some upside. Instead it turned into the fifth best forward (give or take) for the 90th best defenseman (give or take). Had it turned out that Hall remained the 20th best forward and Larsson improved to the 40th best defenseman, well we’d look at that deal differently. But it was bad deal after bad signing after bad luck that all added up.

What I think is the true reason for Chiarelli’s poor results and ultimate firing is his handling of staff. Nobody talks about this because the big trades (Larsson and Reinhart), draft picks (Puljujarvi) and signings (i.e. Milan Lucic) get the headlines. But bottom line is he could have prevented a lot of this if he had a firmer hand on his overall business. The scouting staff has been truly terrible. Maybe they don’t need a full purging the way the Leafs did several years ago, but I’m sure a good half of them have to go. There is no excuse for poor late-round picks time after time. There is no excuse for going after Griffin Reinhart if a proper scout (or several scouts!) watched him play. And besides the scouts, Chiarelli needed to have more of a say in what the coach does. I don’t know if it’s still the case, but the Oilers used to have an analytics staff (and if that’s no longer the case, then that’s another shortfall of Chiarelli’s). If they advised something repeatedly and consistently, he needed to listen and insist that his coach react to it. Catch it early on that Lucic was better as a third-liner than a first-liner. Understand quickly that Kris Russell doesn’t need to be signed long term. Stress to the coach that a player like Ty Rattie is either first line or waste-of-time. Give him 10 good games in a row there, or even 15. Then send him to the minors if it doesn’t work. None of this one game here, one game there, with press box or fourth-line duties in between… because that’s just wasting everyone’s time. If your coach won't cooperate with that plan, then don’t sign Rattie to a one-year deal. That’s a communication-with-the-coach issue. Have a better scouting staff in place – both amateur and pro – have an analytics staff (if you don’t have one) and have better communication with the coaching staff (a firmer hand, too), and results would have been much different even with a couple of bad moves and signings.

That’s all I have on that for today.

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The PHWA midseason awards can be found here. I had a ballot, and here is who I voted for:

Hart – Johnny Gaudreau, Blake Wheeler, Nikita Kucherov. Kucherov won. I had him third because of Brayden Point (who I had fifth). Point is so underrated it’s ridonk. In fact, I wonder if Point being in the lineup gives Tampa more wins than Kucherov. Things that make you go hmmmm. And I love Kucherov, he’s one of my favorite players, this isn't a knock against him.

Norris – Mark Giordano, Brent Burns, Kris Letang. Giordano won. I almost put Morgan Rielly in, but had him fourth.

Calder – Elias Pettersson, Rasmus Dahlin, Miro Heiskanen. The end result was exactly as I had voted.

Lady Byng – Aleksander Barkov, Morgan Rielly, Teuvo Teravainen. Almost went exactly as I voted.

Selke – Travis Zajac, Sean Couturier, Anthony Cirelli. I had the winner, Bergeron, fifth, and the runner-up Barkov fourth. I looked at penalty killing, zone starts, effectiveness at driving possession, and even offensive production. I felt these three were the best fit overall considering those factors. Zajac very underrated and the other two will be on Selke ballots in the future, mark my words. Voters went for the sexy 'name' picks.

Vezina – Frederik Andersen, Marc-Andre Fleury, John Gibson. Slide Gibson up to the front of the line and Andersen down to the third spot but I did vote on the three finalists. 

Jack Adams – Bill Peters, Gerard Gallant, Claude Julien. Barry Trotz won, as I think most fans and media are shocked about how the Isles are doing. On my part, the Islanders are about six points ahead of the pace I projected them on. He’s not going to get my vote because of three extra wins. Then again, looking at it now, why did I put Gallant there? In the end, Vegas is still an expansion team and he is still working wonders with them. The first line has become ordinary and yet he’s coaxed offense from the other lines to make up for it.

Rod Langway (defensive defenseman) – Ivan Provorov, Ryan Murray, Seth Jones – Voters gave it to Mattias Ekholm. Journalists vote, and I don’t think many dig into the numbers the way I do. The sexier names got the votes here, too – Ekholm, Giordano, Victor Hedman.

Comeback Player – Ryan Murray, Mark Giordano, Cam Atkinson. Robin Lehner won this one, and this is my bad. I missed Lehner, stupidly. He would have been my first. I was reaching with Atkinson, unable to find a suitable player to vote for at third.

GM of the Year – I asked if I could vote for Steve Yzerman and Mark Spector shot me down. But Frank Seravalli said that I should do it because it would generate discussion. But the two emails were far enough apart that I had already changed my vote. Something to think about, though – Yzerman made that team and he left on his own terms. The best team in the league. Should the GM of the Year go to the GM who is no longer a GM? Anyway, my vote went to David Poile, Doug Wilson, Brad Treliving. The latter won, and for some reason Lou Lamoriello got third even though he did absolutely nothing but screw up the Jan Kovar stuff.

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Look at this comment here in a recent Ramblings. Guy almost had his trade vetoed in late November for giving up Tyler Seguin for Mark Giordano. Now look at the deal today. This is one great reason why you should be very careful with your veto rules. Only veto if you are one hundred percent certain that it is a ‘buddy deal’ meant to stack one of the teams to give them the win. That is it. Do not veto bad trades that are just bad trades. Imagine if the trade was vetoed and he lost out on the possible Norris Trophy winner?

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Just sifting through the stats leaders and I noticed that Mark Giordano is tied with Evgeni Malkin with 52 points. However, Giordano’s plus/minus is better by plus-48 (!). He’s plus-29 and Malkin is plus-19. Yes, it’s a stupid stat, but crazy discrepancies like that interest me. We’re approximately 48 games into the season so Giordano has literally been on the ice for an extra goal-for vs. goal-against for each game, as opposed to Malkin.

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I’ve been driving the point home again and again that you should follow the contract in trying to best-guess the goaltending environment in today’s NHL. Cam Talbot had the big contract and was given start after start despite being the inferior goalie this year – you saw this time and again even in the first half of January. The Mikko Koskinen signing of a long-term contract has now changed that dynamic. Now “following the contract” leads us to follow Koskinen, not Talbot. Just in case you needed clarification on that, or a reinforcing opinion.

So what happens with Talbot? Can he bounce back with another team? Flip a coin on that one. Lots of moving parts. Today, and this could change with more signings, but today it looks as though this summer will be the most wide-open goalie market in history. Tons of unrestricted free agents of which Talbot is one. It’s a game of musical chairs, but it’s also a balancing act. If he sets his price too high, teams will sign one of the many other options. If he sets his price too low, he’ll be a backup. The line is probably $3 million. So $2.9 million is a backup situation, $3.1 million is at least first dibs on being a starter. If, say, Corey Crawford has to retire then perhaps Chicago signs Talbot for $3.1 million. Talbot gets dibs as the starter, probably starts blowing it, and then Collin Delia gradually elbows his way in thanks to the perfect scenario (no expectations and no pressure). Or he signs for $1.75 to be Anaheim’s backup. But watch the number and adjust accordingly. I don’t have high hopes for him, but after seeing Devan Dubnyk turn his career around in Arizona-Minnesota and seeing Brian Elliott and Robin Lehner enjoy rebounds at different times in their careers, I wouldn’t be the house on anything regarding Talbot.

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Frozen Tools update – last week we added starting goalie info (from Goalie Post) to each goalie’s player profile, whether or not he starts that day. Now we’ve added DobberProspects links to the player’s scouting profile is the player is still a prospect. Simply go to the Info/Analysis tab. Check out Antti Suomela as an example. And, furthermore, we have added Dobbernomics information in the Info/Analysis tab (with his DN value and his FPTS). Check Nikita Kucherov as an example.

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It’s the All-Star Break and these Ramblings still seem a little light, so I was down the rabbit hole that is Frozen Tools and ran some reports based on the last two months. Looking at things since December 1, Johnny Gaudreau leads all scorers with 44 points in 25 games (Kucherov has 43, Patrick Kane at 42).

Other stats since December 1

Most Hits

Matt Martin 103

Lawson Crouse 93

Brandon Tanev 89

William Carrier 85

Adam Larsson 84

Milan Lucic 84

Name that sticks out further down the list – Zach Aston-Reese with 76 Hits despite just 19 games.

  Most BLKS

Andy Green 65

Alex Edler 62

Travis Hamonic 61

Olli Maatta 60

Name that sticks out further down the list – Jordan Oesterle at 47 BLKS

  Most FO Wins with at least 56% success

Ryan O’Reilly 327 (56.9%)

Jonathan Toews 323 (56.1%)

Sidney Crosby 306 (57.8%)

Travis Zajac 262 (59.0%)

Sean Couturier 247 (61.1%)

John Tavares 237 (56.2%)

Name that sticks out further down the list – Derek Ryan at 131, but he’s at a 61.8% win rate.

Name that sticks out further down the list for a different reason – Mark Scheifele has 231 FOW…but 290 FOL for a 44.3% win rate. Yikes!

Best in-close shot ratio – this is where I compare shots taken (by forwards, minimum 20 games since December 1) at the 0-15 feet range compared to their shots taken 31-45 foot range. It’s interesting to see the types of players we own – do they drive the net or do the play the perimeter and have a great, accurate shot. Here are the net drivers and garbage-goal types:

Warren Foegele 21 shots at 0-15 feet, zero shots at 31-45 feet. Ratio of infinity!

Anders Lee 29 and two, 14.50

Wayne Simmonds 28 and five, 5.60

Joe Pavelski 24 and five, 4.80

Connor McDavid 36 and nine, 4.00

Sam Bennett 20 and five, 4.00

Worst in-close shot ratio – on the other hand, players with a lot of shots from a distance are the guys with that laser-beam shot that finds the holes:

Patrik Laine four shots at 0-15 feet, 31 shots at 31-45 feet, 0.13 ratio.

Jesper Bratt two and 13, 0.15

Artemi Panarin six and 34, 0.18

Kevin Labanc two and 11, 0.18

Claude Giroux six and 30, 0.20

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See you next Monday.

        from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-dobber-with-thoughts-on-chiarelli-talbots-future-his-midseason-awards-ballot-and-more-jan-28/