#who else would have been involved in a scam

[thatlonelycactus]

Crowley was 100% besties with the renaissance thinkers. He and DaVinci were always talking about some kind of invention or painting or just making fun of people, Michelangelo let him in on all the hidden meanings in his paintings and they’d always complain to each other about their bosses, and him and Galileo talked about the stars. In fact, it was his friendship with Crowley that solidified his belief in the heliocentric model of the solar system.

Aziraphale fraternized with the Enlightenment thinkers. He discussed morals and ethics and philosophy with Kant and Rousseau, Locke and Voltaire. Unlike Crowley with the renaissance figures a couple centuries beforehand, Aziraphale shared very little of his angelic wisdom. Partially because he didn’t want to but also because everytime he’d talk with any of them they would beg him not to. This resulted in, whenever they said something completely wrong, Aziraphale trying to hide a sly smile, failing completely and having a cup of tea thrown at his head. Very pleasant.

At the start of the 20th century, Aziraphale found himself surrounded by the likes of Joyce, Woolf and Wilde. He enjoyed it immensely. Who wouldn’t? This is how he got many of his first editions from the period. Whilst he and Wilde were very close, he probably spent the most time with Woolf. Whilst modernist literature was never his favourite period, he loved the writing of Woolf, many of her shorter works he read prior to them being published, were some of the most beautiful works of prose he’d ever read. He thought that Crowley might like Huxley’s works if he liked to read but he didn’t so Aziraphale never tried to convince him to but he always keeps an extra copy of Brave New World in his bookshop just in case (it’s signed too).

Later on in the century, Crowley befriended the men whose names most people only ever expect to hear used from time to time in a science lesson but never truly understand who they were or what it was that they actually discovered. Einstein, Schrödinger, Doppler, if they changed the science world, Crowley knew them. He had a good time with them, providing little “what if”s and queries that would stop them in their tracks. Most of them initially thought he was pretty, how to put it, stupid, at first, I mean if anyone saw they way he looked at the maths they did tragedy think he was pretty brainless too despite the fact he was only trying to figure out why they had done all that maths to get a simple answer. But his value was quickly realised because, unlike his companion, Crowley was much happier to give little pieces of information he learnt during the creation of the universe.

Sorry for my rambling. Also Aziraphale and Sappho were definitely friends and he still has full copies of her poems in the back of his bookshop but he’s not gonna tell anyone about that.

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

An AU where Tintin is a crime lord, inspired by @jerseyhobby 's post here!

Detective Rastapopoulus is one of the most brilliant minds in his department. His talent has been long overlooked due to his status as an immigrant, but when a new teenage menace starts to stir up the streets, Rastapopoulus's knack for digging into the murky depths of the criminal underworld is called upon.

His target is only known by his alias, Tintin. At just seventeen he already has a few bank heists, smuggling operations and a chain of illegal clubs under his belt. He operates like a phantom, making himself hardly known. Those who have had business with him never recall him raising his voice, as he simply does not need to. Manners go a long way, and manners are an effective mask for the brutality required to maintain such an operation.

Few are confirmed to know him personally. He has his beloved dog, Snowy, who has a taste for expensive jewelry, and his right hand man, a pickpocket-turned jewel thief he met in Shanghai. Together they are unstoppable, nothing is outside their reach - and when the Karaboudjan, a large shipping vessel goes missing, along with its crew and captain, Rastapopoulus just knows they are involved. If only he can keep his temper and ego in check, he might just be able to finally put an end to Tintin's reign of chaos, and perhaps earn the recognition he so desperately craves.

I think an AU where Tintin uses his abilities for crime would be an interesting way to see how he's impacted people he's met, so for this take I have only inverted Tintin and Rastapopoulos - Haddock is still an honest man, but his vulnerability leaves him open to being manipulated. He becomes Tintin's equivalent to Allan Thompson, only this time motivated by fear for his life rather than money. Alcohol, threats and his rock-bottom self esteem keep him in line.

Calculus is scammed by Tintin for his inventions, leaving him feeling deeply betrayed as he is someone with strong morals. He vows revenge, his tunnel vision leading him down incredibly destructive paths. He was initially targeted by Tintin because he just seemed naive and easy to exploit, but Tintin severly underestimates him, despite Chang's warnings. Not only does Tintin have the law on his tail, but a mad scientist with nothing left to lose, who has access to devastating explosives.

Chang simply wants somewhere he belongs. Canonically he's stolen from cops before, so there's no doubt that if Tintin dragged him into crime he would follow along - but he may start to doubt if their bond is built more on what he can do for him rather than his value as a person.

Rastapopoulos this time gets to use his cunning to catch a slippery crime lord, but he still has the same shortcomings as his canon counterpart. He sorely craves attention and praise. He has a terrible short temper. He craves power and influence. He starts to use increasingly questionable methods for his investigation, as his higher ups breathe down his neck for being incapable of catching a couple of queer teenage hoodlums.

Tintin himself isn't motivated by money or power, he's looking for thrills and control over his life. Canonically he's rather emotionally shut off, and he's no different here. He doesn't let himself get too attached to anyone else. Unlike canon Rastapopoulos, I can imagine a crime lord Tintin pouring money and resources into communities in need, and opening up spaces for marginalised groups like bars for queer people. He still wants to do good deep down, but just doesn't quite believe he is a good person.

[kiophen]

genuine question, do you think callout posts are inherently evil? like if someone's doing some weird shit and hiding it i think people would want to be warned about that at least. just try to discourage harassment as much as possible

The existence of a callout posts means that the targeted person will be harassed if enough people see it. There is no amount of "don't harass anyone mentioned in this doc/video" disclaimers that will prevent that. The post is now potentially a permanent record that anyone can cite for years into the future. You are now at the whims of unknown strangers to be banned from communities, kicked out of creative projects, or be blocked by friends, at any time with no warning. I would consider this to be harassment, but to people who don't know about how these things usually go down they would be seen as righteous whistle blowers.

No matter what you actually did, if your awkward interaction with someone was too sexual, or if you stated a shitty opinion about a complex topic, or if you misjudged someone's boundaries, or if you engaged with kink in a way that made someone outside the scene uncomfortable, you are now a predator. I have seen firsthand the game of telephone starting from "this person did/said something sexualized on an online platform where teenagers could have been present," to "acted creepy around teenagers," to "regularly sexually assaulted children," to "pedophile".

Callout posts do not actually stop the person from "doing weird shit". It depends on what you mean by "weird shit", but if you mean "secretly draws/engages with Bad Porn", which is what a lot of callout posts are about, I implore you to recognize that it is truly not your business to know every private action someone takes just because you follow them on social media. This applies to awkward interactions people have in private too. Sometimes it's patterns of abuse, but a lot of the time it's interpersonal drama that is not anyone else's business.

If by "weird shit" you mean that someone has demonstrated ongoing patterns of real emotional/financial/sexual/etc abuse, and it's something that cannot be handled by any other means (either privately or with legal action if relevant), then in those cases a callout post can potentially do more good than harm if it reaches the people that need to know about it.

The level of long-term mental anguish that a target can go through is absolutely no fucking joke. A callout post has the potential to be a gun to someone's head, especially if they're socially/mentally/physically disadvantaged to begin with, which conveniently describes the most likely people to be targeted with high profile callout posts. [This is because: 1.) Our communities are wayy more likely to self-police than the rest of the internet and 2.) there are groups such as kiwifarms that love when a trans girl does something they can suicide bait her with and they also love it when we infight, isolate, and attack each other.]

I don't think callout posts are inherently evil, but they do nothing to make the target not continue their unwanted behavior. The only good function a callout post can serve is to warn potential future victims. If there are no victims, no behavior that will DIRECTLY lead to someone being victimized, no scam being uncovered, no patterns of abuse being shared, then the only victim is the target of the callout post. Everyone else involved is just gawking at gossip and/or contributing to suicidal levels of anxiety to a stranger.

[leahkentwriter]

Backstories for girls and women in stories that *don't* involve sexual assault.

I beta read a lot, and am involved in writing communities of various kinds, and I briefly taught English way back in the day, and I consume storytelling media in general - and one of my biggest pet peeves is sexual assault backstories. While I think this is improving, it's still annoying to me that a lot of writers (of all genders, but particularly men) fall back on a sexual assault backstory whenever they need to make a girl or woman in a story complicated or haunted or fucked up in some way.

Unless your story is dealing with the topic of sexual assault in some way, please don't use it as a way to give a character depth or angst.

Here are some prompts, just to get you started with some ideas.

Why would a woman be trying to escape her past? Why would she be seeking a fresh start?

She hated her small town; the people there didn't understand her and she never felt like she fit in - she's queer, she has a weird birthmark, she's got unique interests, she has magical powers, etc.

She's a criminal - she robbed banks or stole cars and she wanted a fresh start

She was an addict and hurt people, and she wants a fresh start now that she's sober

Her parent is a criminal or an addict and she's trying to outrun the stigma of being related to them

She didn't get along with a stepparent and skipped town as soon as she turned 18

She had big dreams of being something else, and left to pursue them

Her childhood home was haunted, but no one believed her

She got married young then divorced, and wants to start over somewhere that no one knows her

Heartbreak of any variety - she's leaving a place that reminds her too much of someone she lost or couldn't have

She wants better; maybe more money, or a career, or simply a higher quality of life

Some other violent tragedy occurred - a school shooting, an explosion at the plant, police brutality, her best friend was killed, etc.

Her hometown no longer exists (climate change, the main factory shut down, it was overrun by rabid squirrels, etc.)

What would make a woman distrustful of others?

Heartbreak; being lied to, cheated on, left for her best friend, etc.

A big betrayal - her former best friend told everyone a secret about her, someone weaponized her trauma or her past or a major flaw she's sensitive about, etc.

She witnessed a traumatizing event as a child

Her mother was a grifter and used her as part of her scams

One parent cheated on the other and broke up the family

Her older brother isn't dead after all, he was disowned for being gay and now she's questioning everything her parents ever told her

She has problems with her memory, and is never quite sure what the truth is

She's bad at reading people and has been taken advantage of

She finds out a dark secret about someone she loves and is having trouble processing it

She gradually comes to see that someone she idealized as a child is not at all what they seem

Someone she thought was a good, kind, and genuine person is arrested for a terrible crime

Spiritual abuse - the worldview she was taught was right turns out to be exploitative, represses women, etc., so she leaves

What would cause a woman to have mental health issues?

Any form of abuse - doesn't have to be sexual

Her parents had really high expectations that she couldn't live up to

It simply runs in the family

Survivor's guilt - she survived something that someone else did not

She was bullied and no one protected her

Her parents were very controlling and destroyed her confidence

Her sibling was the golden child and she was the scapegoat

She's had issues since childhood but her parents refused to admit there was anything wrong with her, so she didn't get help

Being a part of any oppressed group of people who experience discrimination - she's a person of color, she's an immigrant, she's got a disability, she's queer, etc.

Any major trauma, either witnessed or being a part of - weather events and natural disasters, infrastructure collapse, crashes and accidents, fires, a shooting or a murder, etc.

You're a writer - get creative. There are lots of ways to traumatize and haunt a girl/woman character without having to resort to a sexual assault backstory. You can even make her the problem! Maybe she's the one who did something bad and is trying to outrun the guilt.

Let's also let go of the idea that it's meeting and falling in love with a man that saves her from her trauma. Let her have a healing arc that doesn't involve a man - a love story can still be there, but it can't be the magic healing balm that fixes her. Make her have to save herself. Give her autonomy to both make her own mistakes, and improve her own situation. Don't let your man go into savior mode - let him get frustrated with her. Let her push him away without him clinging to her in a desperate bid to show her what unconditional love is. Don't let him be a martyr to her trauma.

Women are complicated for many reasons. We have trauma for many reasons. We have mental health issues for many reasons. We may want to escape our past for many reasons. We're angsty and weird for many reasons.

Please pick literally anything other than sexual assault.

[the-thing-inside-your-closet]

Prompts I’ve seen/found online that I have used an inspiration for many things, but mainly DP X DC stuff.

There’s 200 prompts/quotes in there

1. They match each other’s freak to a degree that is dangerous to the public.

2. People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

3. “I have a solution.”

“Thank goodness.”

“It involves fire.”

“Absolutely not.”

4. Why are you hiding behind me? What did you do?

5. We can’t have a crisis - my schedule is already full!

6. “What’s our exit strategy?”

“Our what?”

“We’re all going to die.”

7. That is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish idea. Let’s do it and see what happens.

8. “This coffee tastes weird.”

“That’s probably because it’s not coffee.”

9. “Can I bother you for a second?”

“You always bother me, but go ahead.”

10. “Are you mad?”

“No.”

“So sharpening knives at 2am is just a hobby?”

11. I’m going to give my inner child a gun.

12. Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

13. I get so affectionate when I’m sleepy it’s disgusting.

14. Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

15. No offence to myself or anything but what the fuck am I doing.

16. I would love to be mysterious but I never shut the fuck up.

17. The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing.

18. Adulthood is a scam I want to be a crow.

19. Good morning! God has let me live another day and I’m about to make it everybody’s problem.

20. My house is haunted because I live there.

21. That’s my emotional support entity of questionable moral standing.

22. God released me into the wild and now he’s hunting me for sport.

23. No, no you don’t want to get to know me, I’m better as a concept.

24. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

25. Do birds every just fly for fun or are they always on some kind of mission?

26. The older I get the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

27. ‘You’ll understand when you’re older.’ I am older and I understand absolutely nothing.

28. Source? It was revealed to me in a delusion.

29. Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

30. I won’t ever be the bigger person in an argument. God made me 5’ for a reason.

31. This meeting could have been a fist fight.

32. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to have a midlife crisis because my entire fucking life is a crisis.

33. Anyone fancy going off the fucking rails with me I’ve had enough.

34. Go ahead and get in the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose.

35. My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes.

36. Who the fuck decided to call it ‘emotional baggage’ and not ‘griefcase?’

37. I don’t have a nervous system. I am a nervous system.

38. “What makes us human?”

“Selecting all of the images with traffic lights.”

39. Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s your day. Ruin it yourself.

40. The sixth love language is combat.

41. “I just told you 2 minutes ago.”

“I do not control the remember.”

42. Due to not wanting to. I will not be.

43. My flabbers be gasted daily.

44. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“Like a hallucination, a therapist, or a person?”

45. “You’re the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you I try my best.”

46. I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me.

47. I think my dark under eye circles are adding to the aesthetic actually.

48. Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

49. Next time I’m opening up to someone will be at my autopsy.

50. Too many songs about love. Not enough song about sword fights.

51. “You’re cute.”

“I’m feral and chaotic, don’t touch me.”

52. I’m not as unhinged as I could be and I want everyone to be great full for that.

53. How dare you know stuff about things.

54. “I have a plan.”

“Is it a good one?”

“I have a plan.”

55. “Are you decent?”

“Not morally, but I’m wearing pants if that’s what you’re asking.”

56. I may have the right to remain silent but I do not have the ability.

57. I don’t want to look ‘pretty.’ I want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening.

58. If you ever feel safe please remember that I’m out there.

59. “I’m too good for revenge.”

“Well I’m not. Give me the gun.”

60. “You know I really feel like we aren’t seeing eye to eye.

“It’s because you’re taller than me asshole.”

61. “They rely on you.”

“I can’t be blamed for their lack of judgment..”

62. Well, aren’t you a little Ray of pitch black.

63. I can get behind murder but I draw the line at misogyny.

64. In my defence your honour, I simply do not vibe with the law.

65. Life is a tornado and I’m just the cow being spun around for cinematic value.

66. You can burn all the sage you want, I’ll be back.

67. I believe in holding grudges. I’ll heal in hell.

68. You know…they make medication for the way you act.

69. I like men with massive, throbbing vocabularies.

70. My swear jar could finance the fucking space program.

71. “Well if you want my opinion-”

“I don’t. I have my own.”

72. I’m awake but not operational.

73. Due to personal reasons I’ll be going back to sleep.

74. The bags under my eyes are Prada.

75. I identify as a threat. My pronouns are try/me.

76. Audacity must be on sale this year…

77. “Have you ever been handcuffed?”

“Sexually or by law enforcement?”

78. I don’t like salad or eye contact.

79. “Come here.”

“Why?”

“Just come here.”

“No you’re gonna hit me!”

80. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“I didn’t throw it.”

81. I have to keep reminding myself that I am an adult and will be charged as one.

82. Apparently ‘spite’ is not an appropriate answer to ‘what motives you?’

83. There is a fine line between my crazy and my intelligence. I use that line like a jump rope.

84. I don’t know where you got your opinion but I hope you kept the receipt.

85. Sometimes when I close my eyes…I can’t see.

86. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

87. Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

88. I’m running out of reasons to not stab you.

89. When I said ‘how stupid can you be?’ It wasn’t a challenge.

90. Love at first sight? Tired, boring. Love at first assassination attempt? Spicy.

91. I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barley take suggestions.

92. And that’s a wrap on another day where I acted like I knew what I was doing.

93. Now if you’ll excuse me…tonight’s bad decision isn’t going to make itself.

94. I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

95. I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

96. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.

97. Being an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

98. If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

99. My spirit animal would fucking eat yours.

100. Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

101. I wonder if people look both ways before getting on my fucking nerves.

102. If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

103. Giving a fuck doesn’t really go with my outfit.

104. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.

105. Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.

106. And then I decided to take a detour to deliver an ass beating.

107. I wanna contribute to the chaos.

108. I’m gay and also stronger than all of you. So don’t try any shit.

109. With all due respect, which is none

110. What, pray tell, the fuck?

111. My arson charges don’t define me.

112. Those are bold words for someone in stabbing range.

113. I don’t understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it.

114. I am not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.

115. I don’t want to heal my inner child I want them to get revenge.

116. In order to insult me I must first value your opinion. Nice try though.

117. There’s someone for everyone and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

118. Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

119. I think my guardian angel drinks.

120. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.

121. I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

122. If you figure me out I want an explanation.

123. I don’t think I meet the height requirements to ride your emotional roller coaster.

124. When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, try voodoo.

125. Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

126. You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.

127. Stop petting my peeves.

128. What a year this week has been.

129. Don’t follow me I don’t know where I’m going.

130. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.

131. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

132. Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.

133. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.

134. I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

135. At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I’d just go.

136. I told him to take care of his eyes because they’re the only balls he has.

137. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

138. My last words will probably be sarcastic.

139. We don’t have time to unpack all that.

140. I may have committed light treason.

141. How is ‘pretty boy’ supposed to be an insult? I’m the prettiest goddamn boy in this town.

142. I’m not interested in being polite or heterosexual.

143. “Based on statistical evidence, I’m immortal.”

“How so?”

“Haven’t died yet.”

144. I’m just here to establish an alibi.

145. Take the day off from being the bigger person and choose violence, you deserve it.

146. Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have alzheimers.

147. People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience to not kill them.

148. “I can see your bra.”

“Fucking good it was expensive.”

149. Sir, that’s my emotional support knife collection.

150. My idea of ‘help from above’ is a sniper on the roof.

151. “We’re surrounded!”

“Excellent, we can attack in any direction!

152. Lord give me patience or an untractable handgun.

153. Step back! I’m a professional idiot!

154. “Trust your gut.”

“I have anxiety. My gut is always telling me to abort mission.”

155. Keep your morals away from me.

156. Your existence gives me a headache go stand over there.

157. What, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck?

158. My heart is not a home for cowards.

159. Underestimate me so I can embarrass you.

160. “It’ll be easy. You just have to seduce them.”

“You’re kidding, right? I’m about as seductive as a cabbage.”

161. You’ve got heart, kid. Several hearts. Honestly, I’m a little scared of you.

162. It takes a very special kind of idiot to pull off what you just did.

163. I’m no doctor - but I think he’s dead.

164. I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.

165. “What brings you here?”

“A continuum of terrible choices.”

“You’d be surprised to know how often people say that.”

166. “I thought we agreed to tell each other when we were bleeding internally.”

“That’s a very specific promise I don’t remember making.”

167. “Did you really google how to flirt with a girl?”

“What? How’d you know that?”

“You do realise there’s a search history?”

168. “I’m gonna…”

“If you kick down the door, I swear…”

“I’M GONNA PUNCH IT WITH MY FOOT!”

169. “Is it still murder if I give them a heads up?”

“That’s a threat.”

“Damn.”

170. Surprise! I’m back from the dead! Isn’t that exciting?

171. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be in the corner, having another existential crisis.

172. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

173. You’re important to me you piece of shit.

174. “Why are your hands purple?”

“That’s a very good question.”

175. Can someone turn off the sun please?

176. “I had a thought.”

“Oh no.”

“I swear it’s a good one this time!”

177. I’ve met bread smarter than you.

178. “Please stop getting shot, it stresses me out.”

“Oh, well if YOU don’t like it.”

179. Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.

180. You’ve got as much charm as a dead slug.

181. For you, I could steal the stars - but I can also get them through legitimate means, if that impresses you more.

182. I am under no obligation to make sense to you.

183. You smile like an idiot when you’re talking to them.

184. Don’t you sign to me in that tone.

185. Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.

186. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Don’t care. Shut up.”

187. Now that I made it weird, I’m going to make my exit.

188. So uh, I noticed you’re kinda naked. Is that intentional or…?

189. “Do you trust me?”

“No.”

“Smart man.”

190. Well, if you’d woken up properly the first time I kicked you, I wouldn’t have had to do it four more times.

191. “I have NEVER been so insulted.”

“You don’t listen much, do you?”

192. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“Yup. I just don’t care.”

193. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I just thought it would be amusing.

194. I would tell you to be yourself but that almost got us killed last time.

195. “Why aren’t you worshipping me, mortal?”

“Not interested. Thanks.”

196. “I’d rather be dead.”

“Then I have some good news for you.”

197. “Did you hear that scream?”

“Yes, I’m the one who screamed.”

198. “What happened to your-”

“I lost a bet.”

“Why-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

199. Reading way above my grade level didn’t get me as far in life as I had hoped.

200. Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

[cosmicdahlias]

Here For You

MINORS DNI

Your stalker ex has been relentless as of late. You found a threatening note on your car and no longer feel safe at your place. Your research partner offers to let you stay with him and the two of you grow incredibly close.

warnings: abuse, stalking, HUGE age gap (reader is in their 20’s), premature ejaculation, oral, p in v, creampie, knives, blood, suicide mention, unplanned pregnancy, birth

holy shiiiit this one is long for me, over 7k!!! i included my cat in this fic, beans! he’s my darling little man who I love very much!!! his name comes from his paw pads looking like little coffee beans. obvious juno reference at the end is obvious, love that movie to death.

You awoke to sunlight streaming through the gaps in the blinds of your apartment window. You stretched and rolled out of bed, making your way to the bathroom to brush your teeth and shower. You dried yourself off and returned the bedroom, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of jeans from your dresser and putting them on.

As you bent over to put on your shoes, your siamese cat, Beans, weaved his way in between your legs. You reached out to scratch behind his ears and he leaned into your hand in approval. You grabbed your keys and locked the door behind you, heading down the steps to your car. A note lay on the windshield.

Expecting it to be some sort of scam, not unlike the ones your research partner’s brother was famous for, you picked it up to inspect it. As you read, you recognized the handwriting and felt all of the color drain from your face. This was anything but someone looking to make a quick buck.

“Y/n

You can’t shut me out of your life forever. Just because you keep calling the cops doesn’t mean I’m giving up. WE HAD SOMETHING! Try calling them again and see what happens, I don’t care. Nothing is gonna come between us and if I find out you’re fucking anyone else I’ll make sure no one can ever have you again.”

This unfortunately had become the norm for you, your ex boyfriend had been relentless in pursuing you. This note however was aggressive, even for him. You had called the police so many times that you’d lost count. Due to his father being a lawyer, an incredibly good one at that, he always seemed to beat the charges. At this point you didn’t even bother with getting the law involved, you knew he would always come out on top.

You had met him in the year your research partner, Stanford Pines, was off at sea with his brother. You broke up with your ex a week before they returned, so at the very least he didn’t know where you worked. Despite being a kitschy tourist trap, the Mystery Shack was one of the only places you felt safe. You stuffed the threatening note in your pocket. If something happened, you might as well have the evidence to incriminate him.

You got in your car and turned your keys, making your way to work on the outskirts of town. The entire drive you struggled to fight back tears. As you pulled up to the shack you felt yourself begin to spiral. You slammed the car door, sat down on the couch on the front porch and sobbed. You were so exhausted and terrified. You seriously didn’t know how much more of this you could take. You began to shake when you heard the front door open and you quickly attempted to wipe away your tears.

“There you are, y/n. I was worried when you weren’t in the lab at your usual time. It’s incredibly unlike you to not be punctua- oh dear, is everything alright?” Ford said with great worry.

“I- I’m fine, it’s nothing.” You said, trying to hide a sniffle and failing.

He sat next to you on the couch.

“If it were nothing you wouldn’t be crying like this. Now tell me, what’s wrong?”

“It’s- it’s just… my ex again. I found this on my car this morning.”

You handed him the note and watched as his eyes scanned the words. His face fell, expression serious.

“Y/n this is horrible, you need to go to the poli-“

“You know nothing ever comes of it! His fucking lawyer dad gets him out of it every time!” You said, beginning to sob again.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I know firsthand what it’s like to have someone you once loved turn against you, threaten to hurt you for breaking things off. I promise I’m here for you.” He said, putting a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

“I- I don’t know what I’m going to do. He knows where I live and I can’t just move out, I don’t have the funds for that. What if he decides to do something? What if he hurts me or, god forbid, Beans?”

He took his chin in his hand, thinking. You could tell he was trying to come up with a solution. If there was one thing you knew about Ford it was that he was a fixer.

“How about this? You can stay here for a while. He never got to know that you work here, right? Tonight after we finish up in the lab we can head to your place and I’ll help you pack the essentials.”

You felt your heart thump in your chest. You had secretly harbored a crush on Ford for quite some time, since the day you first met. So the idea of living with him, possibly growing closer, seemed like an incredibly shiny silver lining.

“That sounds grea- wait, what about Beans?“

“Of course he can come with you! I’ll have a word with Stanley if he tries to give you grief over it, but I’m certain once I fill him in tonight on the situation he’ll understand.”

That night you drove with Ford to your apartment. Thankfully your ex was nowhere in sight. You led him up the stairs and unlocked the door, as you swung it open Beans greeted you with a long, loud meow. Ford smiled.

“Ah, so this is the little scoundrel I’ve heard so much about.”

Beans circled his legs and rubbed his head against them. Normally when men came over he acted incredibly aloof, so to see him be so affectionate, especially a man he’d never met, did something to your heart. You already felt safe with Ford beforehand, but now even more so.

“Alright, let’s get started!” Ford said, rolling up his sleeves.

-

You finished loading the last of your things into the trunk of your car. Beans sat in his carrier in the backseat.

“Are you sure you have everything?” Ford asked.

“Positive.”

“Good, let’s head back.”

You made the drive to the shack along winding, pine tree flanked roads. When you arrived Stan was waiting on the front porch. He and Ford helped move your stuff into the room their niece and nephew shared when they came to visit.

You let Beans out of his carrier, he laced himself between Stan’s legs and any possible hangups you might’ve had about staying in a house with two old men quickly vanished.

“Heh, you know I used to have a cat once, Freeloader. Found her digging around in my trash.” Stan chuckled.

“Alright, Stanley, let’s give them a chance to settle in.” Ford said.

They turned to leave the room.

“Give us a holler if you need anything, kid.” Stan said as Ford shut the door behind them.

You flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Beans hopped onto you, sitting in a loaf on your chest. You gave him his favorite thing, a scritch behind the ear and he purred happily. Between the gentle rumble of your cat and finally being able to relax in a place that felt safe, you began to drift off. You awoke an hour later to a knock.

“Y/n?” Ford’s voice called from behind the door.

You made a motion to get up, Beans leapt down and you crossed the room to open the door.

“What’s up?”

“So, there’s a documentary about Yellowstone that’s going to start in a few minutes. I know it’s something that would be interesting to you and I figured it might be a good distraction from the unpleasantries of this morning. Just a suggestion though.”

He fidgeted with his hands and looked at the floor… was he blushing? You smiled, taking him up on the offer.

“Sounds good.”

He smiled back. “Perfect.”

You both descended the stairs to the living room, Beans trotting behind you. Ford gestured to the recliner.

“I figure you deserve the better seat.”

“A gentleman as always, Ford.” You said, sitting down.

He pulled a chair from the nearby table and sat next to you. Beans jumped into your lap and curled up. You leaned back into the chair as the documentary opened with a scene of wolves hunting in the wintertime.

As time passed your mind began to wander to memories of past relationships. Sadly, men like your ex were a pattern in your life, you always seemed to attract the worst of the worst. You wanted so badly to just have a happy and healthy relationship like all of your friends. Yet no matter how hard you tried to find a decent one, they always turned out to be awful. Tears started to fall as these thoughts ran through you. Ford could see it out of the corner of his eye. He turned to you, face full of concern.

“Y/n? What’s the matter?”

“No, it’s stupid.” You sniffled.

“Whatever it is, if it’s making you feel this way, then it’s not stupid.”

You took a breath, looking down. “I just… I feel like no matter what I do I bring horrible men into my life. I try and try so hard to make sure I find one that’ll treat me right, but just as I start to feel safe they betray me in one way or another. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. It feels like I’m cursed. Maybe I just don’t deserve any of the good ones.”

He took your cheek in his hand, wiping away your tears with his thumb and turning your head to face him.

“Hey, look at me. Don’t ever think that you’re not worthy of a good man’s time. You’re incredibly brilliant, creative, and compassionate. You have a fantastic sense of humor and your beauty is breathtaking.”

You turned bright red.

“You think I’m beautiful?”

“Absolutely, without question. Were I a younger man I would’ve-“

You leaned in and cut him off with a kiss, he pulled back.

“Wh- what are you doing?”

“Ford… I like you, so much. I think I always have.”

“I- I have too, but… I can’t. It wouldn’t be right. You’ve been through so much lately, I feel like I’d be giving you whiplash.”

You set Beans down on the floor, standing and moving to straddle Ford’s lap. You felt him grow instantly hard against you. He stared at you, eyes filled with a primal need. He was doing everything he could to hold himself back, keeping his hands at his sides.

“I want this, Ford.”

“N- no you’re so much younger than me, I feel like I would be taking advantage of you. You don’t want an old man like me.”

You laced your fingers in his hair, kissing him far more passionately than before. He didn’t pull back this time.

You whispered into his ear. “But I do though. I really, really do.”

He let his hands travel to your back, bringing you closer. He pressed his lips to yours and moaned softly into your mouth, then broke away to pepper kisses into your neck.

“Oh, Ford.” You moaned.

He returned his lips to you and began testing the waters with his tongue when he heard a loud clearing of the throat. Both of you turned your heads to see Stan in the doorway.

“Look uhhh, I’m happy for you two and all, but… c’mon get a room.”

Ford huffed. “Stanley, there is such a thing as looking the other way.”

“Hey! I live in this house too!” Stan retorted, crossing his arms.

Ford shot him a look that said “I’m in the middle of something here.”

“Fine, fine. Just try not to make a mess on the furniture.” Stan grumbled, waving a hand and turning to leave.

Ford waited until Stan was out of sight before picking you up underneath your thighs and moving to sit in the recliner with you in his lap.

“Now, where were we?” He purred.

He kissed you deeply and you slipped your hands down to the hem of your shirt, beginning to lift it up. Ford put his hands to yours.

“No, not now.” Ford said between kisses.

“But… don’t you want this?”

“More than anything, just not tonight. Making love with you is something I want to work up to.”

“You’d be the first man in my life to do so.”

“Well, no offense, but I think I can do far better than the brutes who dared to think they were worthy of your affection. Someone like you deserves respect.”

You kissed him again, grinding against the bulge in his pants. He buried his head into your neck and whimpered.

“Oh god- ah- it- it’s been over 30 years since I’ve been with someone. Even just feeling you against me is almost t- too much. Hhhnh.”

You leaned down and bit his neck, this was apparently more than what poor old touch starved Ford could take. He cocked his head back, giving an exceedingly loud moan and bucking his hips as he came.

“Ford… did you-“

He turned beet red, putting a hand to his forehead.

“In the name of- I’m so sorry. Like I said it’s been so long and you’re incredibly gorgeous, I couldn’t help it.”

You pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“It’s okay, I’m kind of flattered that I could work you up this much.”

He kissed you and stood, lifting you up and setting you on the recliner.

“Well… I need to take care of this. I’ll be right back.”

-

A week and a half had gone by with you and Ford growing incredibly close. On this particular early spring afternoon Ford led you on a hike to one of his favorite spots, a meadow that lay at the base of the mountains. The sun hung low in the sky, turning it a mix of orange and pink. Ford pulled out a blanket from his rucksack, unfurling it and setting it in the tall grass. He sat and patted the spot next to him and you sat next to him as he pulled out a bottle of red wine and two glasses.

“Ford Pines, look at you being a romantic.”

“I spent 30 years away from all possible comforts of another human being. It gave me a lot of time to think about how I would treat my love should I ever have the chance again.”

You put a hand to his cheek and kissed him.

“I’m glad to be yours.”

He uncorked the bottle and poured it into both glasses, handing one to you. You clinked them and as his eyes met yours you couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked in the light of the golden hour.

After you finished your glasses, Ford moved in closer, kissing you passionately, the sweet taste of wine on his breath. His hands wandered up and down your body. You had become very familiar with his touch in the short time of living with him, but this time the way he moved his hands on you felt different, a strong feeling of desire.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you wanted to do more than just drink wine.” You said.

“Why do you think I brought you out here? With Stanley in the house we’d have to be quiet. But here?” He said between kisses. “Here you can be as loud as you want. That and I’ve always wanted to make love in the beauty of nature.”

“Stanford Pines, how dare you have an ulterior motive!” You said, playfully swatting him on the back of the head.

“I’m sorry, love. I’ve been planning this for days, since that first night we shared. I wanted things to be perfect for our first time.”

“You? Having meticulously thought out plans? Never would’ve guessed.” You teased.

Ford’s hands wandered south and began to tug up at your shirt.

“Is this okay?”

You nodded.

“Good girl.”

You turned bright red and Ford gave a devilish smile.

“Oh? Do you like that?”

“I may or may not have a praise kink.”

“Duly noted.”

He lifted your shirt over your head and wrapped his arms around your back to unhook your bra. He slid the straps off your shoulders and stared longingly at your chest.

“Dear moses, your breasts are incredible.”

He took one in his hand, stroking your nipple with his thumb. You moaned softly at his touch.

“Does it feel that good?” He asked.

“No it’s not that, I’ve just wanted your hands on me like this for so long. You don’t know the things I’ve imagined about you since we met.”

He kissed you deeply.

“I think you’ll be pleased to know our fantasies aligned. Not long after we met I would spend my nights stroking myself to the thought of you. God, there were times you’d be down in the lab and you would unintentionally brush up against me. I’d grow hard instantly and have to head upstairs to my room to take care of it.”

“So that explains why you’d come back down all breathless and red-faced.”

He chuckled. “And I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it.”

Ford returned to undressing you, sliding your shorts down your legs. He traced the delicate lace of your panties with his fingers. He hooked his thumbs underneath them and slowly pulled them off you. He looked down, you were dripping.

“So wet for me already, dear god you’re perfect.”

Ford lowered himself down your body, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake. He reached your pussy, his warm breath felt incredibly good. He locked his lips around your clit, licking it, somewhat ineptly, with the tip of his tongue.

“You taste so good, far sweeter than semen.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at his choice of words. He stopped, looking up at you.

“W- what? What did I say?”

“Just you and your need to use scientifically accurate terms.”

He cocked an eyebrow.

“Would you prefer I used ‘cum’?”

“Well quite frankly if you say ‘I’m going to ejaculate’ later I think I might never fuck you again.”

He chuckled. “Fair enough, princess.”

He returned his tongue clumsily to your clit for a moment before pausing again.

“Am I doing okay?”

“I mean… to be blunt it seems like you don’t have much experience with this.”

“Oh dear, I’m sorry. This is all new to me. It’s embarrassing to admit at my age, but you’re the first person with female anatomy I’ve ever had sex with. So quite frankly I have little idea of- mmf!”

You silenced him by gripping is hair and shoving his mouth to your clit.

“You’ll find it’s pretty intuitive. Just treat it like the head of your cock.”

He heeded your advice, sucking and swirling his tongue around your clit sloppily, you shuddered in pleasure. If the first thing you knew about Ford was that he’s a fixer, the second was that he’s a fast learner. He growled against your clit and you whimpered loudly, tightening your grip on his hair.

“Did that feel good, love?”

“Dear god, t- the vibrations.”

He sucked furiously, rolling his tongue against you. You arched your back. The pleasure started to feel overwhelming, you weren’t going to last much longer. You started to buck your hips against his mouth.

“Good girl, cum for me.”

His words of praise completely undid you, cumming all over his face with a loud moan. He didn’t stop, coaxing a second orgasm from you, then a third. You shook, completely overstimulated.

“Oh jesus, F- Ford.”

“Sorry, sweetheart. I’ve read the female orgasm can happen in multiples and I couldn’t resist testing it for myself.”

You giggled. “I’d expect no less from a man of science.”

Ford stood and removed his trench coat and sweater. Scars covered his body, you assumed from a mix of Bill’s abuse and years of trying to survive in different dimensions. Somehow his scars made him hotter. Ford noticed your eyes wandering back and forth along his scarred torso.

“Sorry, I know it’s not the most appealing to look at with all of the damag-“

“No, no! I like it actually.” You interrupted.

He blushed.

“Y- you do?”

“It makes you look tougher.” You purred.

“God, you know just how to make this old man feel attractive.” He said, returning to taking off his clothes.

He undid his belt and slid his pants down his legs. His cock strained in his boxers, from the outline alone you could see he was huge. He slipped his thumbs into his boxers and pulled them off. You couldn’t help staring at his cock, you bit your lip. Ford sat and pulled you onto his lap, kissing you. You could taste yourself on him. He laid back on the blanket.

“Ready? I know I can be kind of big for some, so take it slow. I don’t want you hurting yourself.” He said softly.

You nodded and lowered yourself slowly on his cock, letting your pussy adjust to being stretched by his intimidating girth until you reached the hilt.

“Oh dear god, I’ve n- never felt anything like this. You feel incredible, stardust. So warm and- nnnnh- wet.”

“Did you just call me stardust?”

“Do you not like it?”

You leaned down and kissed him.

“No, I love it.”

You began to move yourself on him, lifting and dropping your hips.

“A- ah yes, that’s it, good girl. You feel so perfect. Absolutely perfect.”

Ford let his hand travel between your thighs, stroking your clit with his thumb.

“How does that feel? Good?” He asked.

“U- uh huh.” You whimpered.

You rested your hands on his chest, moving in a motion to slide Ford’s cock fully in and out of you. He tilted his head back.

“G- god, you don’t know how long I dreamed of this, of you.” He whimpered.

“As have I, and… I have a confession to make. I used to touch myself while thinking of you too, I did it the that night after we met. And I- oh god, this is so embarrassing- I ah, stole one of your sweaters once. I’ve always loved your scent and I would make myself cum while taking it in.”

He chuckled. “So that’s where that went, but it’s good to know I wasn’t the only one unable to resist the urge of touching oneself to the sole thought of their research partner. You drove me absolutely wild, you still do.”

You started to move faster, your breathing becoming shallow. Ford could sense you were close, so was he.

“M- may I cum in you? Will you cum with me?“

“Please.” You said through shaky breaths.

He tightened his grip on your hip and began to buck into you while increasing the speed to your clit. You felt the pressure within you build, you were right on the edge. You cocked your head back.

“Oh god, I’m gonna- hhnnn.”

He reached up to cup your chin and tilted your face down to look at him.

“Look into my eyes. I want to see your eyes when you cum.”

You looked down at him at the exact moment you felt your body ignite in pleasure. The feeling of your pussy spasming around Ford’s cock immediately sent him over. He released your clit, both hands holding firm on your hips as he slammed you down on the full length of his cock, shooting every single drop of cum inside you. The warmth flooded your insides.

“Oh god, y/n!” He moaned.

His hips slowed, the only sound either of you made was heavy panting as your pleasure subsided. Ford pulled you down into a kiss. You got off of him and laid with your head against his chest. You both lay in silence until you remembered something he had said minutes ago.

“Ford, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.”

“You said I’m your first person with female anatomy. So… who was your actual first?”

Ford smiled, you could tell the question had brought back memories.

“It was so long ago. He was my old college roommate, then years later became my research partner. It seems I have a habit of developing feelings for my coworkers.” He chuckled.

“Wait, McGucket?”

He laughed. “Yes, you wouldn’t know it now, but back then Fidds was quite the catch. I’ll have to show you a picture sometime. We experimented heavily during college, neither of us willing to admit that we wanted something more. Then, after he came to work with me on the portal, we were mature enough to confess our feelings to each other. It was perfect, just the two of us, but then I-“

He let his words fade, looking off into afternoon sky. His eyes seemed wistful.

“I don’t know… between how I treated him at the end, most likely being the straw that broke the camel’s back in his marriage, and sending him down a spiral that would destroy his sanity… I still harbor a lot of guilt. Bill was using me, but I used Fiddleford too. I know he and Emma-May had been on the rocks for quite a while, yet I still feel responsible. After Weirdmageddon we rekindled our friendship and I apologized for ruining his life, but I live with knowing I can never undo the damage I caused.”

He turned his gaze to you, taking your cheek in his hand.

“Y/n, I never want to hurt you like I hurt him. I want to be a better man, a better partner than I ever was for him.”

You kissed him.

“Ford, I trust you. I can sense the effort, and that’s all I could ask for.”

He kissed you back.

“What did I ever do to deserve someone as perfect as you?”

-

Two weeks had passed. You were once again spending a late evening with Ford in the lab. He set down his pen and stood from his chair, coming behind you and putting his hands on your waist. He kissed your neck.

“So I was thinking we could call it early tonight. There’s supposed to be a meteor shower. How about you and I hike to the nearby hill where we’ll have a good view of the event?”

You turned to face him and smiled.

“Sounds perfect, Ford.”

“Fantastic. You can head outside and wait for me, I just need to speak with Stanley about something first.”

“See you shortly, then.” You said, standing on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.

You made your way up the stairs, walking through the shack and out to the front porch. You stared up into the night sky and caught a glimpse of a few bright streaks. You couldn’t have asked for more perfect weather for something like this.

You smiled and thought to yourself. “For all of the chaos I’ve been through, things are finally starting to look u-“

You froze as a dark figure crept out from the side of the shack.

“Thought I wouldn’t find you, huh? You’ve been busy, whoring yourself out for some old man. It’s fucking pathetic. You know what has to happen now, I warned you what I’d do if I found out you weren’t being faithful to me.” Your ex threatened, brandishing a knife.

You wanted to run, but your legs wouldn’t move. You did the next best thing and screamed.

“FORD!”

He pounced on you and sunk the knife into your chest, you tried to scream again, but all of the air in you left. He had punctured your lung.

-

Ford stood in the empty gift shop with Stan. Soos counted the day’s profits at the till. The brothers were in the middle of a discussion.

“Yes, but what I think is important is that-“

“FORD!”

Stan and Ford looked at each other, silently agreeing by your tone that something serious had happened and booked it outside, Soos followed. Ford swung open the door to see you collapse to the ground, your ex boyfriend standing over you. He looked up at Stan and Ford in the doorway, but before he could turn to run both men were on him. Stan managed to land a punch square to his jaw before he and Ford tackled him to the ground.

“What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM?” Stan barked.

Your ex spat out a tooth. “What that fucking bitch gets for being your brother’s whore.”

Stan shoved your ex’s face into the gravel and turned to Ford.

“I got it from here, sixer, this scrawny kid ain’t going nowhere. Go make sure y/n is okay.”

Stan turned to Soos who stood in shock on the porch.

“Soos, call 911!”

“O- on it, Mr. Pines!”

Ford hurried quickly to you. You lay motionless on the ground on your side, struggling to breathe. He could tell by the pool of blood that it wasn’t good. He gently turned you over on your back and his eyes widened at the sight of the knife stuck in your chest.

“Y/n! Y/n!”

Your eyes struggled to focus.

“F- Ford?” You murmured faintly.

“I’m here, y/n. We’re going to get you some help, it’ll be okay.”

“It h- hurts.” You gasped.

“I know, just try to breathe.”

“I can’t, the knife.” You struggled out.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart, but if I remove it you’ll bleed out.”

“They’re on their way, Mr. Pines!” Soos shouted.

Your attempts to take in a breath were becoming increasingly labored and shallow.

“Stay with me, y/n, just hold on for a little longer!”

You put a hand to Ford’s cheek.

“Ford, I-“

Your eyelids became incredibly heavy, your hand fell to the ground and you went limp. The last thing you heard was Ford calling your name.

-

Your eyes slowly fluttered open.

“Mmmnh.” You groaned.

“Sixer! Sixer! They’re awake!”

You turned your head to see Stan shaking his brother who had been sleeping in a chair next to you.

“Huh? Wha- y/n!” Ford said, taking your hand, which you noticed had an IV placed in it.

“I’m gonna go get the doctor, be right back!” Stan said, already at the door and slamming it behind him.

“Ford, what happened? Where am I?”

You made a motion to sit up, but an intense pain in your chest protested. You hissed out a sharp breath.

“Easy, stardust. You’ve been through a lot. You’re in the hospital, you’ve been in a coma for two weeks. Do you remember anything?”

Your brow furrowed as you tried to recall your last moments. It was nighttime, you were outside the shack, there was a meteor shower and then… your eyes widened as the memories came flooding back.

“Wait, what happened with-“

“It’s been taken care of. He’s in custody and from the looks of it he’s most likely never coming back out, not even that lawyer of a father can save him this time. They found a note in his apartment, he had been planning this for a while. He was going to flee the scene and commit suicide if Stanley and I hadn’t been there to stop him. From what I’ve looked up, in Oregon aggravated attempted murder can carry a life sentence.”

You gave a sigh of relief that quickly turned to anger.

“It never should’ve come to this.” You said through gritted teeth.

He looked away. “I know, I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t stayed back to talk to Stan this never would’ve happe-“

“Don’t. Don’t you dare blame yourself for even a second over this. The law failed me, not you.”

“Still, I should have known better than to leave you alone.” He said, a tear ran down his cheek.

You squeezed his hand.

“You still saved my life, I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you.”

Stan returned with the doctor. He did a quick assessment of your vitals and asked you questions to determine if you’d suffered any cognitive impairments or memory loss.

“Well despite the circumstances you appear to be in good health. Your vitals are stable and your memory and cognitive functioning seem to be in order. However, there was something we picked up when we tested your blood. I’m just going to be blunt, you’re pregnant.”

You looked at Ford, he looked back at you and squeezed your hand. The doctor turned his attention to Ford.

“Now, are you the patient’s fath-“

“Partner.” Ford corrected.

The doctor raised an eyebrow before continuing, his eyes back on you.

“I would recommend getting yourself in with an OBGYN. If you need anything, press the call button and a nurse will be with you.” He turned on his heels and left.

Silence hung in the air for a moment before Stan broke it.

“So… I guess I’m getting another niece or nephew. I’ll uh… I’ll leave you two alone to talk.”

He shut the door behind him. You turned your gaze back to Ford.

“Ford, I- I promise I was on birth control. I don’t know how this happened.”

He cupped your cheek.

“It’s alright stardust, these things happen. What do you want to do? No matter your choice, I promise I’ll support you.”

“I- I want to keep it. I’ve always wanted kids and with the way you treat Dipper and Mabel, I know you’d be an amazing father.”

His face lit up.

“You really mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

He pressed a deep kiss to you. When he pulled away he looked at you like he wanted to say something.

“What is it?” You asked.

He took a deep breath. “I know it’s soon, but after almost losing you and now with this I don’t see a point in hiding how I feel. I love you, y/n, with every single cell and atom of my being. I will do all I can to be a good father to our child, and the best partner I can be for you. No matter what, I promise to always love you. You’re my everything, stardust.”

You were speechless. Out of all of the men that had come in and out of your life, no one had ever said anything close to this. No one had ever promised their love and utter devotion to you like him.

“I love you too, Stanford Pines.” You smiled.

-

When you finally discharged from the hospital Ford immediately made a trip to the library, returning with a stack of pregnancy books in his arms. He pored over the material for days.

He was very insistent that you follow a strict prenatal vitamin regimen. He became incredibly attentive to you, any complaint of symptoms was immediately met with a solution. Nausea? He’s brewing you a pot of ginger tea. Your back hurts? He’s running you a warm bath with lavender oil.

At your 18 week ultrasound it was finally time to determine the sex. You had both originally agreed to keep it a surprise, but the curiosity was too much for either of you to handle.

The technician ran the probe across your stomach as a grainy picture of a fetus formed on the screen. Every time Ford could get a glimpse of his and your child he savored the moment, not wanting to even blink as to not miss a single second. He kept the first ultrasound picture in a frame on his desk.

“Alright, let’s get a good look here.” The tech said.

Ford held your hand tightly.

“Congratulations you two, it looks like you have a girl.”

You watched Ford’s face light up just as it did when you told him you wanted to keep the baby.

“A girl, we’re having a little girl.” He said softly.

As the months passed Ford would find any reason to hug you from behind, his hands caressing your stomach. During one particular instance, he rested his head on your shoulder after wrapping his arms around you when he felt something press against his hand.

“Wait a minute, I think she’s kicking!” Ford said, completely ecstatic.

“Yeah! I can feel it!” You said, matching his energy.

Ford moved to stand in front of you, his hand never leaving you.

“Fascinating, truly fascinating.” He whispered.

Mabel, who was visiting along with her twin for the summer, burst into the room.

“DID I HEAR THAT MY COUSIN IS KICKING???”

“Yes! She-“ Ford began before Mabel cut him off by speeding over and unintentionally knocking him aside.

She placed a hand on your stomach and felt the kick of a tiny foot.

“Whoaaaaaaa, this is so cool! I mean I knew it already obviously, but there really is like a little person in there.”

-

After the trauma around your last hospital stay, you opted for a home birth with a midwife. Ford did extensive research and insisted on a water birth. You were hesitant at first, but he managed to convince you after stating that it reduced pain, shortened labor time, and gave the baby an easier transition into the world.

Your water broke late into the night and labor started around the same time the next day. Half a day passed with the contractions becoming longer and more intense. The midwife arrived and set up the birthing pool in the bedroom. Every so often you entered the warm water to ease the pain and felt your muscles relax. Ford held your hand in his, you squeezed it tightly enough to break it. The midwife checked your cervix.

“You’re fully dilated, it’s time to start pushing. Mr. Pines, do want to help deliver?” The midwife asked.

“Yes, absolutely.” Ford answered, moving himself in front of you.

You pushed as hard as you could, the baby slowly moved through you and it felt like you were being torn apart. An hour and a half later and you were at your limit.

“I- I don’t know if I can keep going.” You said, tears falling.

“Yes you can, y/n, you’re so strong. Breathe.” Ford said softly.

“Alright, the baby’s crowning. You’re going to need to support the head once it’s out.” The midwife instructed to Ford.

“Got it.” He said.

You screamed, your lower half might as well have been on fire.

“You’re doing so well, y/n, she’s almost here. Just breathe.” Ford soothed.

“If you tell me to breathe one more time, I’m going to fucking strangle you.” You growled through clenched teeth.

Ford took the baby’s head in his hands, guiding her out. Once the head passed, the rest came quickly. You felt two more contractions, and she finally arrived. Ford stared in awe at the crying baby in his arms.

“My god, she’s beautiful, y/n.”

“Mr. Pines? Do you want to cut the cord?” The midwife asked, offering a pair of scissors.

Ford nodded and took the scissors, cutting the umbilical cord two inches away from the baby’s navel. As he held her he caught sight of her clenched little fists. Six fingers on each hand, just like him. He looked at her in pure adoration, he would have loved her and given her the world regardless, but now he felt connected to her on a cosmic level. A childhood of being bullied was entirely worth it just for this moment. Tears streamed down his face, he was completely enveloped in a sea of love and emotion until the midwife spoke up.

“Uhh, do you maybe wanna hand her to-“

“O- oh! Yes, of course!”

As he passed the baby to you it was immediately obvious why he was so enamored with her. You held her against your chest.

“Oh Ford, she’s perfect. And you’re right, she’s absolutely beautiful.”

He leaned down to kiss you.

“I think I know where she gets it from.” He smiled.

Time passed and you handed the baby off to Ford so you could shower. As you dried off and began dressing yourself in a comfortable pair of pajamas you heard a cry from down the hall. You quickly buttoned up the top and made your way to the bedroom.

“She must be hungry.” Ford said.

You got into the bed you had convinced Ford to purchase once you officially moved in with him after you were told you were pregnant. Before that he slept on the couch and it drove you crazy. He handed your new baby girl to you and you unbuttoned your top. It took a few attempts, but eventually she latched and began to nurse.

“So, I know we’ve already settled on your mother’s name for her middle name, but we still have our list of first names to pick from. What are you thinking?” You asked.

Ford smiled. “Well I do have one that I’ve grown really fond of.”

“Me too. How about we both say our choice on three?”

Ford nodded.

“Okay. One, two, three-“

“Juno!” You both said in unison.

You stared at each other before bursting out in laughter.

“Well I guess that’s settled then. Welcome to the world my little Juno.” Ford said, holding her tiny hand.

Beans hopped up on the bed and approached Juno cautiously, sniffing the top of her head.

Ford chuckled. “Hmm, I don’t think he knows quite what to make of her.”

“That’s pretty on brand for cats. When my parents brought home my siblings, our cats were terrified of them.”

You gave Beans a scritch behind the ears and he relaxed at your touch, purring and curling into a ball on your lap. You felt complete, you had your little family all together. Juno finished nursing and you begin to grow sleepy. The adrenaline from pushing out a small human left you and exhaustion took its place. Ford noticed immediately.

“It’s alright, I can take her. You need your rest.”

Ford gingerly took Juno in his arms, holding her against his chest. You snuggled up against him as you felt yourself drift off to sleep. You awoke to Stan entering the room two hours later.

“Everyone’s favorite uncle is here! How’s my niece doing? What name did you guys end up going with?”

“Juno.” Ford responded.

“Heh, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you two nerds. Now c’mon, let the best uncle ever hold her.”

Ford handed Juno to Stan and he took her in his arms. She grasped his finger in her round little fist.

“Would you look at that, we got another sixer here!”

Stan’s phone rang in his pocket.

“I think that’s Mabel, I texted her that you had the baby.” Stan said.

You sat up as Stan gave Juno to you. He answered his phone.

“Hey, kiddo! Yeah! Yeah they’re doing great, so is the baby. Juno. That’s what I said! Oh believe me, I’ll make sure she’s spoiled rotten. Of course! I’d love to have you two over for the break! Sure, I’ll let you talk to him.”

Stan handed the phone to Ford.

“Hello, Mabel. Yes! It’s incredibly strange to say, but I’m officially a father. Correct, from Greek mythology. Eight pounds, five ounces. Oh she’s absolutely beautiful! Thankfully she didn’t inherit my nose, but she does have my fingers!”

You heard Mabel’s shriek through the phone and an excited “DIPPEEEEERRR! SHE HAS HIS FINGERS!”

Ford laughed before continuing.

“I know, all twelve! It’s perfect, truly meant to be. Caryn. Yes, after your great grandmother, she would have loved her. Y/n? I’ll let you talk to them.”

Ford passed the phone to you.

“Hey, Mabel!” You said.

“Hiiii, y/n! I already asked grunkle Stan this, but how are you doing?” Mabel asked.

“Great, exhausted, but great.”

“Duuude I bet! Giving birth to a tiny person must be like soooo crazy! Oh! Did grunkle Stan ever tell you when I was born that I punched the doctor right in the face?” She said, almost boastful.

You laughed. “Somehow that sounds like something you’d do.”

“You know, I always thought you and grunkle Ford were perfect for each other. You’re both huge nerds who like weird stuff. If you two get married, promise you’ll make me a bridesmaid!”

”Of course Mabel, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I feel like you’re already a part of the family though! You might as well be my grauntie at this point!”

You smiled. “I’m honored.”

“Oh hey, Dipper and me are thinking of visiting during winter break later this month, so hopefully I’ll get to meet my new little cousin soon! You can give the phone back to grunkle Stan, I wanna say bye. Make sure to give Juno lots of kisses for me!”

“Will do!” You said and handed the phone to Stan.

“Thanks for checking in, pumpkin. It’s good to hear from you. Say hi to Dipper and your folks for me and keep me posted on if you and your brother are coming to stay for the break. Alright, love you, bye.”

Stan turned to you and Ford.

“So I was thinking of ordering pizza to celebrate. Would you be down?”

“I haven’t eaten since I went into labor so that sounds fantastic.” You said.

“Great! I’ll give you two lovebirds some alone time with her.” Stan said, giving Ford a wink for some reason and shutting the door behind him.

Ford turned to you, he had the same look on his face as he did in the hospital right before he told you he loved you.

“Everything okay, Ford?”

“Y/n, there’s… something important I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Yeah?”

He pulled a small black velvet box from his pocket, your heart thumped in your chest. He opened it, revealing an absolutely beautiful ring.

“Since the day you came into my life, you’ve fundamentally changed it for the better and I’ve loved you ever since. I promise to cherish you and stay by you and Juno until my last breath. If there is a life beyond this one I’ll wait for you on the other side. Y/n, will you marry me?”

You kissed him deeply.

“Yes, absolutely!”

He took your left hand and slipped the ring on your finger.

“Oh Ford, it’s gorgeous.”

“It was my mother’s. Many years ago she passed it on to Stanley, thinking he was me, and told him to give it to the love of his life when the time came. On the day you and I became an item, Stanley gave it to me, insisting I’d need it. He said I should do it for tax purposes.” He chuckled.

“Of course he did.” You laughed.

You admired how the stone caught the light.

“What are the odds that your mother and I had the same ring size?” You said.

“Well… about that. I may or may not have measured your ring finger in your sleep. I had the size adjusted, I wanted it to be perfect for you.”

You kissed him again.

“I’d expect no less from Stanford Pines.”

You rested your head on his shoulder and once again felt your eyelids grow heavy. Ford too felt the exhaustion of the near 40 hours of helping you bring Juno into the world. It wasn’t long before the two of you and little Juno fell asleep. Stan opened the bedroom door.

“Hey, guys, pizza’s he-“

He smiled at the sight of all three of you sleeping peacefully. He took out his phone and snapped a picture.

“Yeah, that’s a keeper. Mabel’s gonna love this.”

[brehaaorgana]

A reasonable take: You should actually be independently verifying all charities and charity fundraisers before donating unless you know the recipient personally.

This means:

Every single fundraiser/charity requires research and your own individual verification for your financial safety. Always. Forever! In perpetuity!

VERIFY, then trust.

If you only realized you should be worried about possible scams because foreign brown people are involved then yeah you might have been influenced by racism! That might not have been intentional on your part, but racism influences us in all kinds of ways we might not realize or even actively agree with!

But being wary of scams and fraud as a matter of course is not, in and of itself, racist. Practicing financial safety habits consistently to protect yourself against scams and fraud is not racist on its own. That would be absurd.

If people are saying they're vetted or checked by someone else, you still have to do the research to find out what that person vetted, how they checked, and if they are trustworthy.

You don't need to harass people in order to do this research and verification for yourself. If you decide you're not sure you still don't need to harass people.

Successful fraudsters are successful when you don't take the time to personally verify them before you give money. They may seem just like a bot, OR they might be indistinguishable from an actual person in need. Or both! Fraudsters do all of these things because they only need one thing to work on you.

Yes, it is a known fact that fraudsters try to take advantage of disaster, conflict, and turmoil in order to scam people who want to do good and help others. It's called charity scamming.

"Never pay by cash, gift card, wire transfer, or cryptocurrency. Each of these forms of payment are difficult or impossible to track and reverse." - the FBI. But also me. Just as an fyi don't ever do that.

The United States has a lot of general resources on financial fraud and charity scams. Look at the FBI — IC3, the FTC ftc.gov/charity, the CFPB, FinCen (this page shows recent warnings in Suspicious Activity reports so you know what to look out for to avoid giving money to say Russian Oligarchs!) and the IRS websites.

Also international fraud awareness week. And Prevent Charity Fraud has resources aimed *at* charities, because nonprofits can be scammed too!

[threepandas]

Bad End: Preserve Us

You know how in conservation biology you sometimes try to introduce a pair to be mated and one will just... just fuckin' merc' the other? Just absolutely obliterate them in a hissing, growling, nightmare ball of fury? Before anyone can stop them? Territorial and (to put it lightly) "uninterested", dispite your desperate desire to save their species from extinction, and need for them to get frisky?

I know.

Holy SHIT do I know.

There's a lot of reasons. Ways you can (hopefully) get around it. But first? Is finding out WHY it happened. Was it just the one? The environment? Were they sick? Or... as is the case sometimes, did they decide their Handler was their mate? Some species only mate once. Are loyal for life. You gotta work around that.

Which is all well and fine and good.

When we're talking about ANIMALS.

Non-sentient, non-sapient animals! Not ALIEN SPECIES! What the ABSOLUTE FRESH HELL did they expect from me!? Compliance?! This was UNETHICAL! Monstrous! I had been trying to slip my gaurds long enough to radio for help SINCE I GOT HERE.

I hope the fuckers ROTTED in whatever their Gods considered a Hell.

"Conservation facility" my ENTIRE ASS. You can't run CONSERVATION EFFORTS like this on SENTIENTS. Eugenics loving, atrocity fetishizing, immoral BASTARDS!!! And they KNEW it too. They HAD too! Or they wouldn't be HIDING it! Fucking KIDNAPPING scientists! Biologists! Doctors!

I was on my ways to study Lekku monkeys!

God...

I'm? I'm so tired of being pissed.

Furious and outraged and SCARED. Horrified and sick. There are PEOPLE here. Kids! And I don't... oh god, I don't... H-How LONG has this been going ON? Why did no one NOTICE?

Every day I feel my heart break. The desire to scream and scream and never STOP, grow inside me. I have to get out. I have to get us ALL out. Get these people FREE. Do SOMETHING. But I am forced to "conserve" the species assigned to me. The group assigned to me.

It's killing my love for the field. Making a mockery of everything I worked for.

I don't... I don't think my hands will ever be clean again.

But I have to help. Do everything I can. Make hell a little kinder, if nothing else. At least while I figure out a way OUT. My group deserves better. The groups I do not work with, deserve better.

I disguise games as "testing". Pages and pages of meaningless numbers ans scores. INSIST that enrichment is the key to success. Diet is EVERYTHING. Oh, and habitat? Well unless we can mimic their habitat there's no WAY they'll "breed".

No, no, using machines would stress them out too much.

It's like you DONT want babies!

Who's the expert here? That's RIGHT! Dr. Cho, but FAILING her and like five other people? Me. And I know for a FACT they are pulling the same scam. We ALL fucking hate you. Dr. Cho has KIDS, you FUCKS. Hasn't seen her son in YEARS thanks to you bastards. He was engaged. She's probably missed his WEDDING thanks to you!

Getting distracted, spiraling again, gotta stop DOING that.

It wont help anyone.

But God, if my brain doesn't slowly feel like it's shorting out the longer I'm here. Stress is called the silent killer for a reason. Or what that something else? Fuck. I can't even look it up! Bastards cut us off from the galactic web. Full information blackout. Because of COURSE they did... can't risk us rightfully calling for help.

Getting the Feds involved to shut this hell pit of a black site DOWN. Or a "whatever it truely is" site. Because it sure as SHIT has nothing to do with conservational biology. Except maybe the abuse of it.

But that doesn't help me right now.

Focus, damn it!

The Yanderens. Old, absurdly rare, nearly extinct, with a home planet they'd reduced to uninhabitable wastelands millennia ago due too... something. No one knew what. There had definitely been fighting. It WAS documented they were excellent fighters. Ruthless ones at that. But it was ALSO documented they strongly pack bonded.

There had been a lot of strongly worded warnings on what few documation my captures were able to find, translate, then shove at me. But honestly? They said the same thing about humans. Ooooh big scary persistent hunters~ oh nooooo! Watch out for the omnivores with a history of war! Sins of the father and we are defined by our diets! Class systems! Let's all JUDGE each ooooootheeeeer~!

Yeah, no. Not buying it.

Especially when the "warnings" were so damn vague and poorly documented. All "the HORRORS!" and "we barely SURVIVED!". Cause honestly? The Yanderens I was watching over? Easily the most mild and temperate individuals I had ever met. No tantrums from the kids, no big emotional meltdowns, just curiosity and at WORST? Mild frustration.

It made everything ten thousand times worse for me, that these poor people were in this hellish place. They were calm. Curious. Meant for greater, BETTER things! They should be out, playing and learning. Exploring and enjoying peaceful strolls in some art gallery or zen garden somewhere! Not... not this sterile fucking LAB.

But then M-17 loses his SHIT.

And now I'm kinda panicking. Because F-6 is not just dead, God rest her soul (she didn't deserve this. Oh god. She was so SWEET.), but M-17 might just be too, soon. If I can't find out what HAPPENED. Because if he's "feral" or "diseased" or whatever other horrifying terminology they end up using? They DO something about it.

And I can't actually stop them.

I... I don't know if it was a trauma response. Or I did something wrong. I could PROBABLY pass it off as my needing more studies into their observed "mating habits"? That... that I somehow... turned it... uuuuh... dominance battle? Shit. Where are my notes?!

F-6 is DEAD and its all my fault.

She was such a cuddle fiend too. Always excited to hear about my studies, from before. My life. Wanted to join me after we got out of here. I never should have let her volunteer. Granted, she wouldn't have taken no for an answer. Wanted to spend the pregnancy plotting our escape. Asked me to help raise the kid once we got out. Had a whole grand plan. But I...And I...

God...

I should have said NO. Insisted. It was just so hard, when F-6 had made it all sound like it would be okay. Like she had a plan and all I need to do was trust her. Believe in her. Then we could be free.

I had hoped M-17 would work best. He was always the most agreeable and quick on the uptake. I figured... well... ha ha. God, I'm such an IDIOT. I should have CHECKED. Who KNOWS what happened before I arrived? What triggered I just accidentally rammed my foot into? FUCK! I sweep everything from me desk onto the ground. Don't give I shit that I'll have to clean it up later,

I had figured M-17 would be COOL with it.

This place is getting to me, isn't it?

Why the FUCK would anyone be COOL with getting jumped? Bred like an animal? Shoved in some random ass room, with a vaguely familiar stranger, and told "now fuck. We want a literal litter from you two"? All while some biologist watchs and makes god damned NOTES!?

Of course he fought back. OF COURSE he didn't stop!

The only one there he could trust was himself.

I...I'm becoming a monster... aren't I?

Oh god.

At least we're in the satellite facility. The gaurds are definitely going to rat me out, but the news will take time to filter back. And... and the Yanderens being so "dangerous" might work in my favor. I... I can spin this. I HAVE to spin this. I can't let TWO people die for my fuck up.

I promised myself I would get as many people out as I could. I refuse to back out now. Even if that means crying, puking, then going out there to lie my ASS off. This was TOTALLY NORMAL. In fact, expected! Yep! It means that's we've determined that M-17 is the alpha Yanderen! A thing that is both REAL and possible to BE!

I rinse my mouth, stomach empty. Crying has exhausted me. But I can't give up. Too many lives count on me now. I... I wish so badly I was just a nobody again. Just some random biology student, trying to make a name for herself. Being "important" is a CURSE.

I try not to chug my water as I half stumble out of the glorified shoebox that is my bathroom into the much larger and Fancier CLOSET that is my room. Truely, no expense spared, for the captives they ripped away from their lives. So glad I am here willingly and of my own volition.

I gather myself. Finally ready to go and try to untangle the mess I have made of everything. When a deep booming alarm rattles my bones. The lights flickering to red. Blast doors slide down, SLAM shut over the transparent recessed bit of wall that counts as my window, the door to the rest of the facility.

Trapping me inside my small room.

Almost immediately after, an EXPLOSION rocks the world hard enough to knock me from my feet. Only the bed's limited padding keeping me from a nasty concussion. The edge of it still ramming painfully into my shoulder. Another explosion. Then another. I sit for a long, terrible, second stunned.

The moment passes.

I scramble on my hands and knees for the in facility communication device that I had knocked from my desk in anger, grief. Not daring to stand lest I be thrown down again. I manage to find it as the world shakes again for the fifth time. Followed by what sounds like gun fire out in the halls.

I fling myself back towards my shitty little bunk. Drag every bit of padding and protection I can, down and under it with me. If the roof goes? I want shock absorption. If shots get through the door? I want something to slow those blasts down. Anything. ANYTHING! To increase my fucked chances of surviving.

I burrito up and wriggle back as deep as I can. The world muffled but ending just outside my crawlspace. Then I desperately try to get one of the others on the line. I got nothing but chaos. Running. Running. Hiding. And Dead.

Dead. Dying.

Remember me.

And GONE.

Some of them fighting with their groups too freedom. Some being targeted right along side their captors. Others savaged by the ACTUAL animals they had been working with, the one's Galacticly deemed too dangerous for effort like this. Someone or something had set EVERYONE free. A simultaneous attack on all fronts that our captors could not put down or escape.

The Yanderens were out there.

Oh god. Please let them be okay. They wer-

My thoughts ground to a halt as M-32 LAUNCHED his tiny body onto the screen of one of the security feeds I was desperately looking through. F-6 had figured out how to get us a backdoor to them a long time ago. M-32 was just a kid. A small, soft, cuddly little thing that loved to lean against me and crawl into my lap. All cherubic cheeks and cute little curls. Shy!

Yet I watched... in mounting horror... as like a lion on some unfortunate animal, he landed on a gaurds back. Small arms going around his body in a mockery of a hug. Head tilting so he could BITE at the back of the man's neck, small hands clawing and ripping at weak points in his armor, as he screamed. Thrashed. Tried desperately to get M-32 OFF of him.

There was so much blood.

My hands were shaking. So much, I accidentally hit the next screen button. Jerked my thumb back. But... but oh god. There was F-26. Using the butt of a rifle to slam down against the head of a scientist. Again and again and again. Long after the begging and thrashing stopped. I flipped again. M-4? No... please not M-4. Not the soft spoken and wise...

I watched as he grinned, a cold thing, and shot out another joint. His foot on the chest of the head scientist who had moved him to a different group. In the background, his supervisor lay dead. They had not died quickly. The head scientist was begging. A mess of tears and pain. M-4 shot another joint, pressing his foot down harder.

I wanted to be sick.

I flipped again. And again. And AGAIN.

H...Had I known them at ALL? Like demons wearing the faces of those I'd known. People I'd trusted. Not a SINGLE ONE was... oh... oh god. F-6. Had she been too? Would I have ever known? Was THIS what all those warnings meant? I couldn't think. Couldn't breath. Had... Had never had a panic attack but... BUT-!

I wheezed.

Shook.

"Oh, Clever giiiirl~" A familiar voice sang, before a blood splattered face flickered into being on the screen in my hands. "Where aaaare yoooou~?"

M-17. He'd somehow managed to take over the security cameras. That or the communication feed. His eyes were bright. A grin on his face like I'd never seen from him. ALIVE in a way I'd never seen him. The excitement transformed his face. No longer softly doll like, but something DANGEROUS. Unhinged. His eyes dilated and deadly teeth on display.

"Come out, come out wherever you aaaare~. I have so much to TELL you! We have so much to DO! I'm going to make you MINE sweetheart! No one else can have you. So come out. I won't hurt you much, I promise! Just gotta make you mine then we can leave okay~?"

Furious snarls echoed through the halls. Male and female alike. Old and young. I... I recognized each of those voices. What was HAPPENING?

"Aaaah? Did you TRASH really think you DESERVED her? Ha! Please." M-17 grin was cruel. Mocking. "You don't have a chance in hell of taking what's MINE."

His eyes seems to shift away from unseen enemies and back, somehow, to me. Warming to something euphoric. Resting his head on his hand as if to consider me. His fingers spread, stroking his own face, as if the desire to TOUCH was simply too great. As if what he was imagining was bleeding over into the real world.

"Oh clever girl~ my clever, clever girl~♡ I can't wait til it's just you and ME. Start think of where you want to go first, okay? We're going to get married. Have that child you wanted me for. All the things you ever dreamed~♡ I'm going to have you all to myself. No more annoying others. Ah~ can't wait to find you soon!"

"But first?"

"May the best of us Win."

[mixelation]

on itatori and physical intimacy

i've been meaning to sort of flesh out this side of their relationship more. mutagenicity flavor itachi/tori is kind of weird in that it started as a joke, and also it started back when i didn't want to actually write about tori with anyone due to fear of cringe content. however since then my views on tori ships have shifted a lot. she is absolutely hooking up with all the other ships i've written for her. so does she ever hook up with her fake boyfriend??

the thing is. i don't think either tori OR itachi are very sexual. for the other tori ships

async: tori falls for the fantasy of a pretty man protecting her from her horrible shitty circumstances and is so unused to feeling this way it makes her act insane. she likes the fantasy minato represents and eventually learns to like and care about the person he actually is, but she's not actually overly interested in sex. that aspect of their relationship is mostly driven by minato (up unti the shinigami gets involved and it becomes.... weird), but she enjoys it because it makes her feel safe and cared about and also orgasms feel good, plus she does deep down like getting to do things for minato. she tolerates cuddling because she likes having a human weighted blanket and built in weapon

toxicity: tori hooks up with obito because she likes having power over him. that's mostly all there is to it. it's not completely devoid of affection (she wouldn't want to lord power over him that way if she didn't ALSO like him), but the sex itself isn't really an attractant for tori. i don't think they do a ton of cuddling or anything, EXCEPT when obito wants to see other people lose their minds by holding hands or putting his arm around her waist or, god forbid, kissing her in public

the weird kakashi/tori/obito au: it starts off as mostly a power thing. tori likes scams because of the sense of control it brings her, and she gets off on tricking kakashi. i don't think she'd organically go this route if obito wasn't egging her on, and it additionally pats her ego that kakashi is receptive. it does eventually collapse into at least partly "but it makes me feel closer to this person i like a lot" and also orgasms feel good. most of it is led by kakashi in what on the surface must seem like a painfully heterosexual way

now, the thing about itatori is.... itachi also isn't super into sex. i think he'd be into other types of physical affection (cuddling, kissing, hand holding, etc) but also he is so fucked up he doesn't really think of those things as options available to him outside of vague, impossible fantasies

plus they're both mutually like "this is FAKE we are FAKE DATING" even though after some point. they're just dating with some extra steps. they hang out in private. they have mutual hobbies and interests. they like each other in a mostly platonic but also very strongly "yes i AM hitching my ride to this person for potentially forever because who else would i do this with" way. so i think for a very long time, all their PDA is just for show, and they're definitely not having sex

now, itachi's relationship with his family is actually insane, and he spends a lot of nights crashing at tori and deidara's. so people definitely think they're having sex. why wouldn't they be?

(do not speak to deidara about this. he is upset about every single step of their relationship but also he has this weird sense of loyalty where he won't call them out in public. he knows itachi isn't sleeping with tori and he's annoyed he's in deidara's apartment and also he feels like he can't say anything!!!!!)

i think at some point it might occur to tori that she might actually be in this Forever, and it is not going to be fun to fake that she and itachi are Doing Stuff. like, they can just say they're private people, but also people are going to stop blaming them being physically awkward with each other on them being too young to be very experienced.

so one winter night itachi is over and deidara is being a bitch about wanting the heat on low because he like the apartment significantly colder than tori and tori is like. welp. itachi, you're sleeping in my bed tonight!! human space heater time~

and i think plasticity!tori would find bed sharing intrusive and uncomfortable, but mutagenicity!Tori has had this beaten out of her by growing up in settings where kids are expected to basically sleep on top of each other, and then field missions often require you getting in your teammate's personal space. and so..... it's nice? bed sharing is nice, actually. itachi is very warm. he, somehow, makes her feel safe.

and then tori slowly figures out itachi secretly actually really likes several types of physical affection BUT he's insane about it so she'll be like, "fine i'll take one for the team, it's not like i want to try this or anything. itachi, listen, i am literally your girlfriend. if you want to kiss me, you're allowed" and he's like "???? PANIC" and she's like "IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR OUR COVER" and he's like "oh, sure, yeah--"

so like five years into dating they kiss* for the first time and deidara is judging this stupid thing SO hard. you two are SO fucking dumb

also at some point deidara realizes he has no clue if they're hooking up or not. he's pretty sure if they do start fucking they will go about it in the most bizarre, alien courtship way possible so he has no idea how to judge. he hates them

they still don't like holding hands though

*there might be a fake kiss earlier if i think it's funny

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Scams, Fakes, Performance, & Belief

Peaceful Property: On Sale, ep. 4

This week's episode was filled with fakes: online order scams, magicians, compromised democratic processes, and a fake ghost. What reasons do we have to believe in anything? Everything is just an attempt to pull the wool over our eyes while the rugs get pulled out from under us so others can make a quick buck and protect their own hide. Who wants to be fooled by all the shams?

Pangpang does. Jan Ployshompoo has been fantastic in this role, and she got to devour this episode. Jan specializes in a 'camp' performance style that's easy to undervalue. 'Camp' acting involves overacting the characters and emotions, and lesser actors often approach it with self-awareness and cynicism. Jan understands my favorite note on camp that Susan Sontag wrote.

“56. Camp taste is a kind of love, love for human nature. It relishes, rather than judges, the little triumphs and awkward intensities of “character.” . . . Camp taste identifies with what it is enjoying. People who share this sensibility are not laughing at the thing they label as “a camp,” they’re enjoying it. Camp is a tender feeling.”

The tender affection in Jan's 'camp' hits the themes of this episode home (no pun intended) because she infuses compassion for her over-the-top characters. They get to have range and reasons for their shallowness.

Pangpang's manic overperformance as a social-media influencer has been all about naively buying into every gimmick for herself and from others. Home, probably from his own similarities, points out to Peach how she's doing this as a form of compensation. All along she needed to believe in something because she needed to believe in her brother, to believe when no one else would in his debilitating fear and grief. She didn't need evidence to believe he saw ghosts as he said. She needed to believe she could be there for him even if she didn't know how. Pangpang chooses enchantment because staying true to her brother and her own feelings of loss over their parents are more important than being the winner of some existential argument.

The problem of deception lies at the heart of performance, and I often have a sense that performers and production crews invest a little more when they have to address it (Foei Patara who played Chobkol GAVE!). They have to prove that there is value and truth in the make-believe and assisting people in doing it. For a while, they need their audience to return to the magic of childhood so that they'll clap to show they believe in fairies when Tinkerbell's light begins to fade.

I loved how Peaceful Property symbolized this return to innocence as an egg, a kind of spiritual rebirth. If we want to believe in the magic of fantasy (Kan), the potential in ourselves (Peach), and the value of others (Home), we have to let go of our guarded cynicism. It won't eliminate the harsher truths of reality. They'll arrive one way or another. But we don't need to be the person who crushes our own dreams or who crush others' dreams just because we're scared of being vulnerable. We need to be people like Pangpang who want to believe and help others on their journey to believing good things are possible.

[s7-evermore]

Ch. 4 - Tender Performance

Sorry this took a while to get out. I was busy af with college and everything lol. I haven’t edited this one yet, so I’m sorry in advance for the mistakes. I just wanted to get this one out of the way before finals take over my body and kill me—

The Boyfriend Contract Masterlist

Ch. 3 | Next Chapter

The Tender Performance of a contract means to offer or attempt to perform the agreement… and damn did he deliver.

It was fake-breakfast-date Tuesday. But Yuu’s nervousness was anything but fake.

She didn’t want to leave Grim behind on his own, so she made sure to text Azul ahead of time if it would be alright to bring him along.

“But of course,” he replied. You know, in the most unshady way he can via text.

“This better be worth it, Yuu,” Grim deadpanned as he slumped over her shoulder, “Seriously? You’re actually dating this guy?”

“Didn’t Ace and Deuce already tell you?”

“They did! And I thought they were messing with me!” He exclaimed with a prominent frown.

“And what would they gain from lying about this?” It was another stupid question from her, given that Ace would probably pull this type of prank on Grim.

“Because this is absurd!! It sounds like a lie! It sounds fake!!” He exclaimed louder, practically yelling into her ear. “Azul?! Seriously?! You’re dating him?? You agreed to date him?!”

She sighed, “Grim…”

“No— not even that! I can’t believe I had to hear this from Ace and Deuce first! We literally live together! How come I never heard about it?”

She felt guilty, but Grim was Grim. He’ll come around eventually.

“We tried to be discrete,” she simply replied.

“Man…” he sighed, “whatever, it’s probably none of my business who you date. Wish it was a better person though.”

“What’s wrong with Azul?”

“That’s such a stupid question,” he rolled his eyes, “like you weren’t there when he scammed us, or when he overblotted.”

Despite how he normally was, Grim knew Yuu well. They both knew each other well. Which was why she didn’t know whether to reveal to him her contract with Azul. However…

One of the terms stated in her contract with Azul was that only the two of them were to know the complete and clear details of their contract, and under no circumstances are they to tell anyone else.

The Leech twins probably already knew. While she knew that Azul wouldn’t tell them due to their contract’s terms, the twins were smart enough to know what had conspired between them. They didn’t need details to know everything when they were involved behind the scenes.

It took the whole night for her to process the fact that she would be fake-dating Azul for a while. It was Monday yesterday, and she was now on her way (with Grim) to one of her breakfast dates with Azul. One out of…well, many. Maybe.

She didn’t exactly discuss an expiration date, but Yuu had a feeling that things would calm down a bit when Azul’s end of the contract would be fulfilled.

That being said, she didn’t exactly have enough time to psychologically prepare for the experience of having breakfast with Azul as his…partner. Will the Leech twins be there as bodyguards? Will it just be the two of them with Grim third wheeling???

She hoped she was keeping a good exterior, because her mind was a train wreck.

Yuu didn’t expect much from the breakfast date aside from the subtle awkwardness between them. But for some reason, she didn’t expect him to be early…

Really early. He looked like he had been there for a good several minutes before she arrived.

“He’s early,” Grim said, speaking exactly what was on her mind.

She approached the Octavinelle Housewarden, who was seated at one of the empty tables. He was looking at his watch when she tapped his shoulder.

“Hey,” she greeted him with a small smile, “Good morning.”

“Good morning, Yuu,” he stood up from his seat with a polite smile before turning to the cat-like monster on her shoulder, “To you as well, Grim. Good morning.”

“Yeah yeah mornin’,” Grim said rather dismissively. “Didn’t think you’d actually be here.”

“Who do you think I am?” Azul frowned, dismayed by Grim’s remark, “I’m not one to ditch on dates, you know?”

“Don’t go thinkin’ you can drag my hench-human around just ‘cuz she agreed to go out with you!”

“Why, I would never think of doing such a thing!” Azul exclaimed, “Courtship is a consensual agreement. I asked for her consent and she agreed.”

Yuu sighed and looked down at Grim, “Come on now, Grim. Enough of that, didn’t you say you were hungry?”

“We should get some breakfast now,” Azul looked over at the buffet. “It’s still early, but the cafeteria will get filled up by students soon, so we should hurry up.”

“Sounds good to me!” Grim suddenly cheered, his mood lifting up at the sound of food.

She noticed the small quirk of Azul’s lips as they ordered their food.

“What will you two be having?” Asked one of the chefs.

“I’ll have two pieces of buttered toast and black coffee,” Azul replied.

Her eyes scanned the food at the cafeteria concessionaire before adding, “I’ll just have some Omurice, a glass of water, and a carton of chocolate milk.”

“I’ll have this, and this, and that grilled fish over there, and—“ Grim got off her shoulder and suddenly started pointing at a bunch of dishes.

“Hey! Calm down that’s too much!” Yuu scolded him, “Just limit it to two dishes!”

“We’re gonna have a full day today! I gotta make sure I don’t go hungry in between you know!”

“We still have lunch, you’ll be fine!” She stressed. “Ugh… seriously.”

“Why do you have to worry? Isn’t Azul paying for all this?” Grim asked, looking genuinely confused.

What?

“Huh?” She gaped at him, “What?! No! That’s not how it works!”

She looked over at Azul, only to find him already pulling out enough thaumarks from his wallet to pay for their meals.

“Woah—“ she placed a hand on his and stopped him, “what are you doing? You can’t pay for my stuff.”

“I can’t?” He blinked, looking just as confused as Grim.

“No!” She retaliated, “just ‘cause you’re a dude it doesn’t mean you have to pay for my meal.”

“And why not?” Azul asked.

“Well… it’s just… you don’t have to, okay?” She then leaned closer to him to whisper, “that’s not the kind of fake-dating relationship that I want.”

“Yuu,” he said, rather seriously, “this isn’t about me being a… ‘dude’—“ he cringed slightly at the word, “—you’re saving money aren’t you? It’s also part of our contract’s terms.”

“But you don’t have to pay for everything,” she said with a groan. It’s precisely because of this kind of thing that I’m saving money.”

“What do you mean?”

“Listen, just…don’t, okay?” She fiddled at her own sleeve, “it’s just, I don’t like relying on people when it comes to simple things like this. I definitely don’t want to become indebted to you more than I already have…”

Azul stared at her for a moment, making her more nervous. She hoped that she wasn’t breaching anything in their contract.

Yuu found it hard to rely on others, even when it comes to things as simple as paying for her food. She didn’t want to come off as helpless, or as someone who couldn’t provide for herself. Even before she came to NRC, she was used to getting by on her own, and she didn’t really need anyone’s help. She’d rather be the helper than the helpee… y’know?

“Then… just think of it as proof.”

“Huh?”

“Grim doesn’t seem to believe that we’re together. A lot of your friends don’t seem to believe us either,” he explained, “If I do this for you, then they won’t question the credibility of our relationship.”

“But—“ she paused for a moment, realizing that she hadn’t exactly told most of her friends the “status” of her relationship with Azul. Most of them (like Leona, Vil, and Riddle, for example) probably wouldn’t believe them, they knew Azul well enough after all.

They weren’t close, but they knew Azul and his tendencies.

I wouldn’t peg Azul for the type to blackmail a girl into being in a fake-relationship though… she thought.

“Do— do you think they’ll believe it?” she hesitantly asked.

He moved…closer, his breath tickling her cheek, “Do you think I would give just anyone anything without a price?”

Right. They don’t know their act. If they simply see Azul being generous to her, like a boyfriend would be, it would be believable enough. He wasn’t that kind after all.

He’s a little complicated, though.

“I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if I didn’t at least try to pay for our meal,” he said, louder this time, enough for Grim and anyone nearby to hear.

“Come on, Yuu!” Grim encouraged her with a mischievous smile as he stood on the concessionaire counter. “Just let your boyfriend treat ya!”

She bit her lip, still uncertain. Even back when she was in a relationship— a real relationship, she didn’t like leaving this kind of thing to her partner. Even more so with a guy she’s fake-dating now.

“Is there a catch though?” She asked him quietly.

“None,” he replied, leaning down to whisper again, “this is just to honor our contract. We must look convincing enough, especially to your dorm mate.”

She bit her lip and hesitated. Grim ate a lot, and just while they were talking, he not-so-secretly added a cookie and a piece of coffee bread to Azul’s tray.

“…alright,” she finally relented before nodding over to Grim, who cheered.

After that whole back and forth (and the whispers), they sat at an empty table, Azul sliding next to Yuu, while Grim ate happily across them.

“Eat slowly, you’ll choke,” she warned him.

“Yeah yeah,” she lost him. He was too busy munching on his free meal to pay attention to whatever she was saying.

“Watching him eat all this gives me heartburn,” Azul said with a sigh, picking on his own food.

She shook her head before turning to him, “Grim tunes out the whole world when he’s this hungry.”

“I can only imagine how much you go through to feed this…creature.”

She shrugged, “I’m used to it. Anyway…” she leaned in closer to him, letting Grim wander off into his own world as she said in a low voice, “So, where were you born? Did you live in the Coral Sea your whole life or…?”

He raised a brow after taking a sip of his drink, “Is this one of your green-card marriage interview questions?”

His lips quirk up when she giggled, seemingly pleased with himself for making her laugh.

“I’ve lived in the Coral sea my whole life,” he replied, “The Atlantica Memorial Museum is but only a quarter of the whole area. There’s much to see there, but I’m not sure if it’s something you’ll enjoy.”

“Why not? I happen to like the sea.”

“I recall you saying that the sea is scary.”

“But it’s interesting,” she shifted on her seat to get comfortable. “Back in my world, more than 80% of the ocean has never been explored, mapped, or even seen by humans. Literally a great number of stars and planets has been explored more than the ocean floor! Isn’t that insane?”

“Hard to imagine, as a merfolk, that is,” he said. “If you’re so interested, then perhaps I should take you on a date somewhere in the Coral Sea someday…”

With the way he spoke, Yuu almost thought he was serious. But Grim was right next to them, and, with the cafeteria slowly filling up, who knows who could be listening in on them.

“That would be nice,” she said softly, feeling kind of shy all of a sudden.

He smirked, sensing her shyness, “Perhaps I can take you to my mother’s restaurant.”

Okay, now she was sure he was teasing her. Yuu didn’t want to go as far as to meet his mother. This was only a one-time fake-dating thing, and the last thing she wants is to extend the lie to Azul’s parents.

She rolled her eyes before saying, “I did hear from Jade that your mother runs a restaurant in the Coral Sea…”

“Yes, it’s a very popular restaurant. If you ask any local for directions, they would probably take you there themselves,” he spoke with a hint of pride.

She giggled, “I see where you get your business side from. Does your mother know you’re running mostro lounge here at school?”

“She invested in it,” he smiled, “and of course, every time I visit I show her documents of our profit— to show her its success.”

Wow. It was kind of weird to imagine that he had— or has, she’s clearly still alive— a mother. A family. You know… all those warm homey stuff before he became a tall, (handsome) intimidating, infamous cafe manager.

“She must be really proud of you,” she said.

“Naturally.”

“And your father?”

“Which one?”

She blinked, “Shit, you have two?”

“My biological father and my stepfather,” he answered, “both of my biological parents got divorced when I was young, and my stepfather was my mom’s divorce lawyer. Well… you can imagine what happens next.”

“Huh… I actually didn’t expect that,” she muttered, “Did you learn contracts and stuff from your stepfather then?”

“You’re smart. Yes, he taught me all about them,” he replied.

“I don’t know if I should thank him or not,” she sighed, “do you see your biological father often?”

“He calls every now and then to see how I’m doing, but other than that, very rarely,” he replied. Yuu wondered if it was a sensitive topic, but Azul didn’t seem bothered by it at all.

She looked over at Grim, who was now chugging on a mug of water. He inhaled his food like it was nothing.

“Well that was fun,” she said when she finished the last of her food.

“Does breakfast end here?” Azul asked as he watched her clean up her plate.

“Well I wouldn’t want to be late, and Grim might insist on more food if we don’t leave soon.”

Azul checked his watch, “We still have lots of time.”

She stabbed her straw into the carton of milk before taking a small sip, “Yeah but our classrooms—“

“Where were you born?”

She blinked at him. Oh, did he want to get to know her too?

Knowing Azul, it was likely for the sake of getting information about her, but truthfully, she would have to disappoint him. There was nothing remarkable about her, after all.

“In another world.”

He rolled his eyes, “I knew that, but where?”

“You wouldn’t know either way.”

“It would still be nice to know,” He insisted.

She pursed her lips, “Yokohama, Japan. I moved to Tokyo for college though.”

“Tokyo? Is it another city?”

“It’s the capital of Japan, my home country,” she replied.

“And why Tokyo?”

“My dream college is in Tokyo. It’s a little difficult to get in it, but I got a scholarship in the end, so all is good.”

His eyes widened slightly, “A scholarship? You must have worked really hard.”

“Not having a social life helps sometimes.”

He chuckled, “And what were you going to take?”

“Visual Communication,” she said, “there’s a master’s degree program too, so if I do exceptionally well in my undergraduate degree then I’ll hopefully be chosen for another scholarship for the masters program. Which I REALLY hope I get.”

She internally groaned at the thought of all those sleepless nights in high school, trying to keep her grades up while balancing odd jobs. She knew she would have to work twice as hard in college, given that college means more work, more brain power, and more money. Next time she would have to work night shifts more often.

“Your parents must be quite proud of you for getting that far, right?”

Yuu froze for a moment before giving him a stiff smile, she didn’t really want to think about it too deeply. It had already been years, after all. No use on dwelling in the past.

“Speaking of, what are your parents like?”

“Dead.”

Azul nearly choked on his black coffee. “I’m—“ he coughed a couple of times and composed himself, “I’m sorry—“

She smiled and shook her head, “It’s fine.”

It wasn’t that much of a sensitive topic to her anymore, honestly. In fact, the way she responded to him so bluntly was kind of funny. Like an incorrect tumblr meme or something.

“I…I see,” his face was in its neutral expression— the kind that often made her nervous. It wasn’t that he looked scary or anything, he actually looked somewhat professional.

He really is handsome… she thought shamelessly. Honestly, he looks like one of those serious-looking CEOs from one of those K-dramas or manhwas.

She studied his face as he silently stared at her. It made her a little uncomfortable, both his silence and the fact that he looked so focused on her face as if he was trying to unearth every single little secret of hers.

“Prefect?”

She flinched at the sudden voice as she looked away from Azul.

“Riddle!”

Standing before their table was the Heartslabyul Housewarden, accompanied by his usual retinue, that being Trey, Cater, Ace, and Deuce.

“Woah! So the rumors were true!” Cater beamed at the sight of the unexpected couple, “You guys really are dating.”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” She asked him, “Weren’t you the one who took a photo of us?”

Cater raised both his hands in mock surrender, “Hey now, don’t get mad at me! How could I not when it was the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen that day?”

Ace made a disgusted look, “Ugh, seeing you two make those googly eyes at each other is so cringey. Glad I’m not Grim.”

“Hey, don’t be mean!” Deuce elbowed Ace before smiling down at the Prefect. “But…Ace is kind of right though. You guys look really close.”

“It’s only natural,” Azul spoke up first as he pushed his glasses up, “She’s my girlfriend after all.”

Riddle made a funny face at the word “girlfriend”, and yet he remained strangely quiet.

“Wow, I really didn’t expect this from you, Azul,” Trey chuckled, albeit rather awkwardly, “Then again, you’re always ambitious— I guess it’s no different when it comes to love, huh?”

“Speaking of, how long has this thing been goin’ on?” Cater asked. “It’s kind of sudden. I can’t tell if you guys are just that good at hiding it or you had to blackmail Grim to keep it under wraps.”

“Hey!” Grim pouted, “For the record, I didn’t know about it either until Ace and Deuce told me!”

“What?! For real?!” Cater looked quite appalled at the revelation. “Dang! No wonder we didn’t know about it… Grim isn’t exactly the best at keeping secrets, you know?”

Grim snarled at Cater’s remark.

“How long have you two been… seeing each other?” Riddle asked reluctantly as he eyed them.

Riddle always remained suspicious when it involved Azul and the twins, that was the only reason Yuu could come up with when she saw the scrutiny in his eyes as he looked at the two of them.

It made Yuu quite nervous. She had been friends with Riddle for quite some time now, and it made her feel just as guilty to lie to him like this. Aside from that, however, Riddle also had an acute sense of responsibility and justice. If he felt something was amiss, he would surely look into it, just as he did during the incident with Savanaclaw.

As though sensing her apprehension, Azul placed his hand on top of hers, and it was…weirdly warm. He was always warm, and it was comfortable…for some reason.

Damn, leave it to a touchstarved girl to feel warm about Azul.

“For a while,” Azul replied with an amiable smile as he held her hand on top of the table— a sign of their relationship. “But if you’re curious of the specifics, we’ve been seeing each other for over a month and a half.”

Azul gave her a look and a soft smile.

Right, okay. So that’s their story. A month and a half of “secretly dating”.

“I’m sorry we kept it from you guys…” She suddenly said, “We just… wanted a little privacy, you know?”

Riddle stared at their intertwined hands without a word.

“Why apologize?” Trey spoke up instead, “you guys did nothing wrong. Besides, it’s probably Cater’s fault that your peace was interrupted.”

“Hey!” Cater looked at Trey in horror, “how come I’m the only one to blame here?! You were there too!”

Azul chuckled, “It’s not a problem at all. In fact, I think it was a good thing, for the both of us. We don’t have to keep hiding it any longer.”

He turned to her, “Are you finished eating?”

“Huh?” She looked down at her now empty plate, “Uh, yeah…”

“It seems that Grim has finished as well,” He stood up and stretched his hand out in front of her.

“Shall I walk you to your classroom?”

She ignored the stares of disbelief from her friends as she took his hand, “Of course.“

“We’ll be off now,” Azul looked at the five Heartslabyul students with his signature smile, “I hope you have a good morning.”

“I’ll see you guys later!” She exclaimed, “let’s go, Grim!”

Her furry companion hopped off his seat and followed the couple as they walked hand-in-hand out of the cafeteria, leaving behind several stunned students in their wake.

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

Hi! I ended up reading through Choas Plan in pretty much two days (your writing is actually phenomenal) but I was actually curious on your inspirations to write it? Did it come from any other particular works or maybe episodes from sp?

WHAT NO WAY😭😭😭😭😭😭WHAT THE HELL THAT'S SO NICE HOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH <33333

You can't just ask me shit like that dude I will respond with a huge fucking essay I LOVE questions like that!!!!

I honestly have several inspirations, many come from the show itself and some I've drawn from cyber crime documentaries and books I like (namely the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo, you might recognize the scene with Mysterion and Harris in chapter 3 is very VERY similar to the one between Kaz and Jan Van Eck at the beginning of the book), but if you've read the notes in the fic you might have seen that the story idea was initially born when I was playing TFBW.

The Idea

The U-Stor-It scene where Butters/Chaos locks the C**n and Friends in the facility and talks to them through a screen was just so fascinating to me, it reminded me a lot of Jinx from Arcane and the Joker in The Dark Knight (especially because of the flashy decorations and graffiti). Mainly the story evolved from the question I posed to myself in that moment, which was: "What needs to happen for Butters to become someone like Jinx?" and that's how I started brainstorming the backstory.

The Backstory

Obviously that was inspired mainly by Linda's behavior in Butters' Very Own Episode, but it features elements from stuff all over the series and the games that prove just how fucked up Butters' parents are and treat him.

(Remember when in TFBW he mentioned that they bought an electronic lock system to keep him in his room because he left the bathroom once while grounded? yeah, that convinced me Butters' home life probably would only get worse with the years, especially with him entering his teens & puberty, and Post Covid honestly just confirmed that.)

The Villain/Hero Concept

I hadn't yet watched much more of South Park than up until seasons 15/16 so I didn't know about Post Covid's Vic Chaos yet, I mostly just wanted to do something with Mysterion and Chaos that had a darker and serious tone without either of them having any Marvel-esque powers or tech-organizations aiding them, something closer to the South Park lore at hand and realistic enough to feel like it could happen in our world.

Chaos' Methods

With Butters having a knack for Internet-related shit and him being able to hack into a baseball stadium screen to broadcast his evil plans in the Professor Chaos episode, and ofc his whole thing in TFBW and the episode of him becoming a pimp, I figured he has the stuff to be a hacker and entrepreneur.

I started getting spoilered a lot on the whole Vic Chaos and NFT scammer thing so even though I hadn't watched Post Covid I drew a lot of inspiration from that as well. I've been watching a lot of documentaries on Cryptocurrency scams and other cyber crime related stuff, so yeah all that shit also gets my brain generating a bunch of ideas as well.

Mysterion

As for Kenny/Mysterion's side of the story- I'm a huge fan of the "criminal who gets paid by a shitty pig/capitalist who would normally never hire them to take on a job" concept in Six of Crows, so that's how I got Harris involved, later further fueled by his Thin White Line arc in TFBW.

The way Kenny used his death powers in the C**n & Friends episodes I found very intriguing, and I absolutely LOVE playing around with them, so I included my own interpretation & spin of it as an active "superpower" he uses in order to be successful enough as a vigilante to be taken seriously. His canon powers separate him from your average humanbeing. It's a way to show the audience "hey look, Kenny really is just some guy, but also no one else could take on this role, ever. He may not have super strength or speed or money for equipment backing him, but he can get into places and out like no other person ever."

Coming up with a kryptonite-type weakness was also super fun, because I didn't want things to just be too easy. Mainly it's his need to remain anonymous, but the biggest reason for that need is because he needs to keep up his ability to financially support Karen. That, I obviously got from the show-, namely episodes like Mysterion Rises, The Poor Kid and City Part of Town, but his dynamic with Karen got increasingly more interesting and influenced in the fic after I played the TFBW DLC From Dusk Til Casa Bonita. The fact that he's so obsessed with keeping her safe the best way he knows how but completely overlooks to consider letting her have a say in it, is absolutely delicious. Like fuck yes, let's go complicate these character relationships (rubs hands evilly)

TL;DR

Inspirations come from all over, but of course the main ones do come from the show and games. Kenny and Butters have always been increasingly fascinating characters to me the more I watched the show, so the fact that Kenny canonically is the only kid Butters respects (source: s16, Ep "Going Native"), to an extent that in the future Butters funded his entire career, I thought had a shit ton of potential. Hence their friendship in the fic before "the incident", and the way Butters goes about Kenny now that he's taking over the town >:)))

Thank you SO SO MUCH for the ask!!!! I hope I didn't ramble too much for what you actually wanted to know, but I just absolutely love sharing my inspirations for this fic. Really gets my brain go brrrrr heheheh I'm so so grateful that this interests you <33333

[sunatsubu]

PSA ABOUT PHONE SCAMS FROM GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IMPERSONATORS So. I almost fell victim to a really elaborate phone scam. Now that I've had time to process it, it's deeply unsettling how convincing the scammers were, and I don't know how far they might've gotten if it hadn't been for a tumblr post that I'd read recently, warning about these strategies. For the life of me I can't find that post now which is a shame because it explained the strategies very well, but I'll try to reiterate the main points I remember that helped me realize in time that I was being scammed. Hopefully no one else has to go through this but in case they do, may this help you recognize the red flags MUCH earlier than I did. (if anyone knows of the post I'm talking about please let me know! It went into a lot of good detail of what to watch out for)

I'll try to summarize how it went down first. I was called by someone claiming to be from the FTC. They gave me a badge number and a case number. They said a package being shipped to me from Mexico was intercepted, and contained illegal drugs and huge amounts of money, that my name was used to open accounts at multiple banks, and that my name was also used to try and claim some property in some random city/state I'd never been to. Of course this was immediately alarming to me and I start freaking out, but they then reassured me that after a background check they determined this is most likely a case of identity theft.

The convincing part was how much effort they seemed to put into asking if I could remember any instance where my identity might've been compromised; like they were legit trying to investigate the case in order to catch the actual culprit. So of course I'm trying to be as helpful as I can. They haven't asked me anything specific like bank accounts or SSN, so no obvious red flags.

Then they go into the steps I needed to take in order to establish I'm not the actual criminal who tried to ship drugs across the border, that it really is a case of identity theft. They describe to me ADR (alternate dispute resolution), which I quickly looked up and seems like is an actual legal thing. Basically they were saying that if I chose this option I don't have to hire my own lawyer/show up in court/etc, that the US Marshal will on my behalf establish to the court this was a case of identity theft.

They transfer me to someone supposedly at the Department of Justice, who also gives me a badge number. This person goes into more detail about the steps I need to take, that because my identity has been used to open up all these bank accounts and shipping drugs to multiple countries, etc - that I would need to be assigned a new SSN. And to do that, they needed to know which accounts were actually mine; so they asked me to verify exact amounts in my bank accounts, and anything else that was directly tied to my SSN such as credit cards.

They kept reiterating that I needed this new SSN so that they can monitor my old one and be able to catch whoever is using it for all these illegal activities. They emphasized I should stay on the line, and to also not tell anyone about this ongoing investigation because the identity thief could be anyone I know. I'm still not getting suspicious at this point because they keep emphasizing they don't want to know any specific bank account #s or my actual SSN, because that would be illegal to ask for.

I then get transferred to the supposed US Marshal, again gives me a badge number. Again going into more detail on how to secure my actual accounts so they can close out/track the fake accounts. He starts getting more into detail about securing my bank account and how I needed to go to the bank in person. He emphasized that I shouldn't tell the bank teller what was going on because they could be involved in the crime, or something about money laundering, I don't remember exactly what the explanation was.

This is the point I started getting suspicious; I remembered specifically from that tumblr post that the scammers will want to keep you from revealing anything to bank employees because they are trained to recognize scams like this. I continue the conversation though, and the 'US Marshal' goes on to say, in order for me to secure/establish this account as truly mine, that I need to withdraw 50% of my funds from it in cash, and not a cashier's check. THIS is the point I realize what's going on, and I stammer out something about wanting to verify the badge numbers they gave me, and quickly hang up.

Things they did that made it believable: - Giving me badge numbers and a case number - Reassuring me they don't want to know sensitive information like SSN, bank account numbers, etc. - Seeming genuine in investigating how my identity might've been compromised - Citing actual legal pathways like ADR - The way they slowly ramped up the urgency so as not to come off as suspicious too suddenly. They worked up my fear from a more believable scenario (that my identity was stolen and being used for criminal activities including opening a bunch of bank accounts) and used that to justify the steps I needed to take to secure my own actual accounts.

Things that should have been red flags: - I was too panicked in the moment to notice right away but I'm fairly certain all 3 people I talked with had the same accent. What are the chances of that for 3 different employees at supposedly 3 different government organizations? (these were things that thank god I remembered reading from that previous tumblr post) - they kept me isolated by claiming anyone I know could be the actual culprit who stole my identity. - They urged me to stay on the line as they continued to transfer me to the next person, keeping me from calling anyone else. - they said not to let the bank teller find out what was going on

Things I did not know but learned, either from looking up myself or from the FTC when I called to report the incident: - Different departments don't actually communicate very closely. So they'd never transfer me from department to department the way the scammers did. The FTC for example wouldn't be able to ask the Social security department to issue me a new number. - Nobody from the FTC will give you a badge number or ask you how much money you have in your accounts.

Steps I took afterwards, because I'm fairly certain I never gave actual sensitive information, but in my ramblings to try and be helpful with their 'investigation' I might've said something compromising. - Called the US Marshal office just to triple check; they almost immediately said it was a scam as soon as I mentioned 'badge number.' - Called the FTC to file a fraud report - Called one of the credit bureaus (Experian I think) and placed a fraud alert on my credit activity. This automatically applies to all 3 bureaus, and lasts for a year - Changed my bank acct passwords

I feel pretty stupid in retrospect at how panicked I got, but I do feel like they were very good at manipulating my emotions to believe them for as long as I did. So as embarrassed as I am to admit I almost fell for this, again hopefully this might help even 1 other person spot the red flags early enough.

[unhingedoveractivemuse]

Title: He only needs to love once.

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz

Notes: Flufftober Day 18 Bewitched

Tags: Love Confession, Feelings Realizations, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Oblivious Evan “Buck” Buckley

==================================================================

“You’ve been cursed young man.”

Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley turns to the old woman they had been called to help. Well, her client needed help, but it's her place so…

“Are you talking to me?” he asks to confirm because, while he's the last one left, why would he have been cursed?

“Yes. You lost a family member when you were young.”

“I did,” he says a bit skeptical. He might be open to the idea of the universe, jinxes, curses, full moons, the supernatural, etc., but it doesn't mean he won't be cautious about what is potentially a scam. Losing a family when you're young could happen to anyone.

But she continues, “A brother. To a vicious ailment of the blood.”

Buck’s eyes widen. He was about to write it off, but that is more specific. “How-”

“Buck! We got another call!” Bobby says through the comms, jolting Buck back into reality.

Right, he's at work.

“Come back later,” the woman tells him. “I don't believe you have plans.”

He swallows down a nervous lump in his throat. He doesn't. Tommy has work, Eddie has therapy and everyone else is going back to their family. “Okay.”

============================================

Once he's back at the lady's place, he is not okay. He's been a bundle of nerves and even paced around the station in his frazzled state.

Cursed? Him? Because of Daniel? What was it? Does it affect his family and friends? Can he take it off?

It's in this condition that he arrives on the doorsteps of an inconspicuous little storefront claiming psychic readings.

The door opens before he can think about opening it, revealing the woman from earlier. “Come in, Evan Buckley.”

Oh, yeah, this is real. This is very real.

“Tea?” she offers when they reach what Buck assumes is her meeting space.

“N-no thanks.”

She gives him a knowing smile. “Sit, Mr.Buckley. Or should I call you Evan? Buck?”

“Mr.Buckley is fine,” he says. That way, maybe he'll be more focused on what she has to say rather than freak out about this whole thing.

Not that he's not freaking out, especially when she goes to poor herself tea and remains silent.

“How do you know? About this curse?” he ends up blurting out when he couldn't take it any longer.

“Magic,” she says, putting down her cup daintily.

“Like…actual magic?”

“Yes. You are a believer, are you not? I can feel it on you.”

“I mean, it's one thing to believe it. It's a completely other thing to be involved in it. Or told you're cursed.” Then, after a beat, he asks, “It's not anything…bad is it? Will it affect the people around me?”

Red lips curve again. “No. Your loved ones will be safe.’

Buck breathes out a sigh of relief. “Then what is it? It's about my brother?”

“It was placed on you in exchange for a blessing for your brother's health. But a curse such as yours doesn’t result in a strong blessing. It never stood a chance against your brother's ailment.”

“Why?”

“It is considered a curse in many, many circles, but it is also a blessing given the right circumstances. A double-edged sword if you will but one edge is more likely to hit. Not strong enough for what your brother was going through. He needed something stronger, something that would have been much more detrimental to you. A life for a life.”

Oh. That…would have sucked for him. “And what's this curse?”

“You're cursed to love once and only once.”

He sucks in a breath. Love? Only once?

Oh, that makes sense. If you fall in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings, it would be a curse because you literally can't love anyone else. If you find someone who loves you-

“I don't see how it's a blessing.”

“When it's requited, the curse becomes a blessing, fortifying the relationship. It connects two people. There has not been a recorded case of the couple with this blessing falling apart.”

“Does it…usually stay a curse?”

“Unfortunately.”

He gulps. Major chances of unrequited love but unwavering love if requited?

He doesn't know what to think of it.

“Can it…can it be removed?”

“No,” she says again this time with a shake of her head. “It's an old curse placed on you when you were less than a year of age I suspect. It’s been on you for too long to be taken off. And that's without it active.”

“Active?!”

============================================================

The first thing he does when he finishes his conversation and steps back outside is call Maddie, asking if he could drop by her place, and, because he has the best sister ever, she tells him to come over.

“How did you know you’re in love with Chimney?” he asks several hours later after dinner and Jee-Yun is in bed. Chimney made himself scarce, holing up in the bedroom when he realized this conversation might have to be kept a secret.

She looks at him, slightly confused, before it smooths out into something Buck can't identify right now. “I think I just knew. But if I have to put words to it… I look forward to seeing him, going home to him, and even just simple calls or texts. I want to see him happy, to see him smile and laugh. He makes me feel seen and safe like nothing could go wrong. I can forget about everything that bothers me, all the horrible and annoying calls included, when I'm with him. I can let go and be free around him. I know I'd do anything for him. I'm devastated at the idea of losing him. And…I don't know Buck. It's all of that and knowing he feels the same in return, but also more. You just know, I think.”

He goes silent, playing her words in his head. Home. Seen and safe. Nothing can go wrong. Let go. Free. Do anything for him.

“What is this about Buck? Tommy?”

“No,” he says and he knows it's the truth. This active curse isn't about Tommy. If what Maddie says is true (and he's sure it is), it isn't because of Tommy that his curse is active.

“I’m cursed. Bewitched. Whatever you want to call it.”

“You're…what?”

“Cursed. This woman…she owns a shop that we went to today on a call, and she said I'm cursed.”

“And you believe her?”

“She didn't ask for anything Maddie. And everything she said without me saying anything is on point. Losing a brother to a blood ailment. My name which no one said in her vicinity. The fact that I would have been cursed when I was one at most.”

At that, Maddie's expression turns horrified, which Buck takes as her understanding the implication but not knowing of it occurring.

“Mom and Dad had me cursed to try and save Daniel,” he whispers. He honestly thought everything that his parents had done at the time had come to light, but nope. And this is arguably more terrible, and that's with Buck's curse not being entirely belligerent.

“Oh, Evan,” Maddie breathes, putting a hand on his arm, the name spilling out reminding Buck of the many, many years that his sister was there for him whenever he felt hurt or sad about their parents. Even now, the name from her lips brings him that unique sense of sisterly love and comfort that is all Maddie. “How long?”

“When I was one at most,” he repeats.

“No. I mean…how long do you have left?”

Buck startles, understanding crashing into him. “Oh no! Not like that!” he quickly reassures her. “It's not that kind of curse!”

Maddie heaves a great sigh of relief, dropping back onto the couch, and placing a hand on her chest. “Oh my God, Evan, you scared me! You couldn't have started with that?!”

“Sorry,” he tells her sheepishly. “But yeah. It's not going to kill me. Maybe my heart, but not anything else.”

Understanding dawns on her face. “That's why you asked about love. It's a love-related curse.”

“Yeah. I'm cursed to only love once - romantically - even if it's unrequited. And it's already active. As in, I'm in love with someone.”

“And you're not sure who?”

“I'm not sure who,” he confirms. “I mean, it's not Tommy because what you said doesn't apply but there's not a lot of people that it could be you know? It can't be Ali or Natalia. And if it's Abby or Taylor…”

“Buck, I think you need to think a little beyond that.”

“Beyond?”

She smiles at him in a way that lets him know she suspects something. “Yes. Beyond.”

===================================================

Buck's not sure about the whole ‘beyond’ thing that Maddie suggested. He's still not sure what she could mean about that and who she thinks he loves.

But what he did know was that he had to break up with Tommy because he couldn't lead the man on knowing he'd never love him, so he did that the next day, stopping by the older man's workplace where it all started.

Then, he drifts, trying his hardest to think about who got his curse to activate, and who he's in love with with.

It's futile though. The more he thinks about it, the more he comes up empty.

So he does the best thing he can think about.

He goes to Eddie's.

Buck has no intention of telling Eddie about the curse, of course, because Eddie has always been skeptical about anything supernatural or paranormal. He can, however, relax in Eddie's presence, which is exactly what he needs instead of fretting about having an unrequited love and being alone for the rest of his life.

“Want to watch Crime Scene Kitchen?” Eddie suggests after Buck just slumps into Eddie's couch without a single word.

He perks up immediately. “Is that even a question?”

And in the middle of yelling at the screen (because how in the world does anyone get lime zest from matcha?!?!?!), he thinks that maybe he doesn't have to fret about his future too much even if he never figures out who he loves or if it's unrequited. After all, he has his sister and the 118.

Most importantly, he has his best friend who will always have his back.

=========================================================

“Eds, please step away from the stove.”

Brown eyes blink up guilty at him, and Eddie's expression morphs into one like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“I thought you were going to shower,’’ Eddie says like that's an acceptable excuse for him to be cooking.

“Well, I forgot to get some new clothes-”

“That explains why you're only in a towel.”

“-so I went to grab some and heard you taking out the eggs.”

Eddie stares at him. “You could not have heard that.”

“I absolutely did. Now shoo.”

“It's my kitchen!”

“I'm commandeering it now. Go shower first.”

They both need showers. They got a short one at the station last night before heading to Eddie's together (as they are wont to do these past few weeks), but it had nothing on a good, long shower. They completely crashed when they got back though, so this morning it is.

“You're the worst,” Eddie grumbles, putting down the spatula he's holding and ‘presenting’ the stove to Buck. “And at least put something on!”

“What? Can't handle it?”

Eddie rolls his eyes fondly. “You're a menace, Buckley.”

“You love me.”

“I don't know why I do.”

Then, Eddie goes to the hangar with the aprons, grabs the one that Buck likes to use, and stalks back, throwing it around Buck's neck.

“Better?” he asks when Eddie gets finished tying it on him.

“Much. Now, I want-”

“Over easy eggs with crispy edges and crispy bacon on medium toast. I've got you. And I'll have your coffee ready by the time you're out.”

Eddie gives him that soft look that he's coming to find is only reserved for him, a small smile on his face. “You know me so well.”

“How can I not?”

With another grin sent his way, Eddie leaves him to his cooking, heading for the showers. Buck takes another moment to consider getting something to wear besides a towel and apron before shrugging it off and starting his job. He practically got Eddie's endorsement to walk around and cook like this anyway.

Ten minutes or so later, though, he hears a curse coming from the bathroom and a thud that suggests something fell.

Or someone.

Buck abandons the bacon on the stove, sprinting the distance between the kitchen and the bathroom, and opening the door without preamble.

And sees Eddie on the floor, holding his head.

“Eds!” he yells, frantic, getting on his knees to check for injuries.

“I'm fine, Buck. Just a little fall.”

Buck ignores that, checking Eddie's head with an urgency that rivals no other.

“Buck,” Eddie says, grabbing his hand. “I've had enough bad falls to know this is isn't it.”

“Are you sure? Let's go to the hospital just in case. Because-”

“Evan.”

Buck pauses in his tirade, blinking at Eddie’s usage of his birth name.

“I'm fine,” Eddie reassures him, squeezing his hand.

“But…just in case?”

What if there's something they can't see? What if he fractured his skull or something?

He loves Eddie too much to lose him, much less to a bathroom!

He was only able to find the answer to the whole ‘Who do I love’ question last week, but he's sure he does!

He really, really loves Eddie. How he missed it when it was in front of him the whole time? He doesn't know. But he does know that, once he had the curse and Maddie's words in the back of his mind, he had to reevaluate all his feelings for the people in his life, including Eddie, and he could totally see what Maddie was talking about now even in the past few weeks alone.

Buck is always looking forward to seeing Eddie or getting a text or call from him. He loves going home with Eddie. He wants to see Eddie smile and laugh, a want that was only amplified during the dark times when Christopher wasn't talking to his dad but isn't going to go away even with Christopher's homecoming that's on the horizon. He feels seen with Eddie. He feels safe with Eddie. He can forget about everything and let go when he's with Eddie.

And honestly, what won't he do for Eddie? He will dig through mud for Eddie. He will risk getting shot for Eddie. As long as Eddie is happy, safe and healthy, there's nothing Buck won't do.

So this? This would have worried him before he realized his feelings, and it's only tenfold now.

“Buck,” Eddie says, fondly exasperated.

“Eddie,” he parries, giving his best friend the best pleading eyes he can manage. “I just don't want you to-”

Then Eddie kisses him.

Eddie. Kisses. Him.

“W-wha- You k-kissed me,” he manages to stutter out when Eddie pulls away and Buck's brain goes back online.

“Well, when you fret over me like that, it warrants it.” A look of concern flashes over Eddie's face. “That was okay though right? I just… recently, I've been getting signals from you so I thought-”

“Yes. Absolutely. I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Curse or no curse, that is true.

“I can get behind that,” Eddie grins. “Because I love you too.”

Something in Buck’s chest unfurls, the fear of being left behind and alone not dissipating but lightening like he knows this is it, that this is what he was looking for.

It’s also probably the curse transitioning into a blessing, but he can’t bother to think about that now.

Now, he just kisses Eddie again. He’s aware enough that he hasn’t properly showered yet, though, so he keeps contact minimum except for the lips that meet again and again.

He wants to let his hands roam. But he needs to shower first. He needs t o finish br-

Oh fuck.

“The breakfast!” he yells, scrambling up from the bathroom floor. He can’t let their first breakfast as an item get ruined can he? What if that’s a dealbreaker?

Wait, what happens if the curse isn’t fully a blessing yet? Can it revert back if Eddie decides that he doesn’t want Buck who burns the breakfast?

”Who should be run out of the kitchen now?” Eddie calls after him, teasing.

Buck looks back to see Eddie getting up and-

Oh.

Eddie is naked. Very naked.

How did he miss that?

”Not me!” he answers, face heating, backing out of the bathroom before he can do something stupid like press Eddie against the wall and let the breakfast burn.

He does not want to be on the other end of a 9-1-1 call.

That reminds him. “Wait. We need to get you to the hospital!”

”Just get the breakfast, Buck!”

Buck does, and Eddie gets out of going to the hospital by distracting him around every corner after they eat. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t keep a close eye on his boyfriend though. Just in case.

And later, when they’ve had their first date and end up snuggling on the couch watching one of Eddie’s telenovelas, he wonders if the curse is important in the grand scheme of things. Sure, it made him realize the feelings he has for his partner, but he thinks he would have gotten there eventually.

And sure, it makes him confident that their love will never waver, but has it ever wavered?

Because no one else makes him feel this way. Eddie and Christopher. That’s what he’s always wanted to hold close.

He didn’t need to curse to force him to love once. He only would have loved once anyway. He only needs to love once.

And he will continue to love his one and only for the rest of his days.

[fandom-hoarder]

Ok, so I got an ask for mutual aid. Of course, it's human to want to help someone in need, even if all you can do is reblog their post. But you also don't want to be scammed, or help spread a scam. So you look for clues, or you only reblog your mutuals' aid posts because you at least know they're *real*, or you don't reblog aid posts at all.

So, what are the tells? (I'm not an expert, this is just what I've learned through osmosis.)

Do they follow/interact with you, outside of the mutual aid request?

Is their username weirdly generic?

Does the blog look like a real tumblr user, and not just someone who made a tumblr to ask for aid? How old is it? Is it involved in any fandoms? Does it seem staged?

Does their aid ask and needs description make sense? Is it overly vague, or bogged down with unneeded details?

If you quote-search the body of their aid ask, do you get any similar hits for scams on other sites or under other names?

Does the account for donations look legit?

What do you find when you reverse image search?

So, having received an ask that sounded very much like someone whose mutual aid I would want to support if they're real, but already having two red flags from the jump (not following me and not in my notifications, weird wording and grammar on ask), I endeavored to suss them out.

Screencaps of my adventure under the cut.

Like someone else has said, please don't go harrass this blog. Even if it's a scam, at some point there's a person behind that screen.

So here's the ask.

Red flags: they don't follow me, I don't know them, the ask is long, the grammar and punctuation are bad, word choices are odd or misspelled. These don't mean it's automatically fake, but it looks more like a weird AI than someone using google translate to communicate in English.

So I check their blog.

Their pinned post is this (click to read, it's a longass pic):

I don't take any links yet.

I take a block of their post and check it in google; all I get are snapshots of tumblr reblogs for their aid post. I click the "buy me a coffee" link, and it looks...idk, fine I guess. There's a tumblr logo, but clicking it seems to do nothing. (I'm on mobile)

A quick search of their name on tumblr gives me 2 posts mentioning them spamming this same message to people.

I read the one with the readmore linked here

After reading wannursyafiqah74's post about it, I got on my laptop and went back to casualdonutfire.

Mostly random reblogs; cats and other random reblogs of mostly pics, many with comments that could've/should've been tags, and no actual tags whatsoever. Like set dressing that says, "See? I'm a real person! I'm leaving comments about my reblogs that show I'm not a bot! I interact! I know what I'm I'm reblogging!"

It gives me a creepy vibe. I try google again to see if I can find their presence elsewhere on tumblr. The returns are still all snapshots of their mutual aid post. I open their archive. Ok, their tumblr has archive on...?

There are no fandom-esque posts until the very first reblog, a comment on One Piece fanart on October 18, 2023.

Their first post about needing aid was on November 7, 2023. Nearly the same wording as their pinned post, except they don't mention having a child. Zero specifics on what amount is needed for what or a timeline or anything. Not even anything about Christmas coming up. Tagged generously for trans surgery and other visibility words.

Oh. AND. The buymeacoffee is different. Adela, not Adella.

Then their next post for aid is fresh on January 11, 2024; nearly the same wording, except now there's a daughter and a birthday -- no date for the birthday, though, is there?!

[reblog linked here] If you go to their January 12th reblog and click on the "video proof," it's an audio-only black screen upload to imgur, with no identifying info for what's going on other than what they describe (and it doesn't really sound like what they describe; it sounds like a kid ready for christmas but not disappointed, like idk what more you're supposed to get out of it)

Then I clicked on their buymeacoffee link and noticed something. When I hovered my mouse over the tumblr symbol under their blurb, the link embedded there showed up at the bottom of my screen. And it was NOT casualdonutfire.

It was deepeagletimetravel. And, of course, it's a nuked tumblr. Hence doing NOTHING for me on mobile.

So I went to google again!

And lo, what do I find in those lurking reblogs?

ANOTHER MUTUAL AID POST IN EVERYONE'S REBLOGS. WITH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSONA AND STORY. BUT THE SAME WALL OF TEXT + BAD PUNCTUATION STYLE

Using a stock photo for their initial "bio" that seems awfully misleading when you don't say it's a stock photo.

And with stolen/uncredited art by thetransformistress as a thank you.

And, of course, the buymeacoffee page it linked for Ameera (buymeacoffee.com/AmeeradelzC) is blank. 👀 Totallynormal, nothing to see here.

But this makes me think. I go back to that Nov 7 casualdonutfire post, with their first buymeacoffee link to "Adela" (buymeacoffee.com/adelladomil)--

and what do ya know, the tumblr that opens is casualdonutfire!

So did they forget they made an adela account, and change their ameera buymeacoffee account to adella for their new post, forgetting to change the deepeagletimetravel tumblr name?! 🤷‍♀️

[laiqualaurelote]

Hellooo! Paranormal investigator AU for Phrack, maybe? Thank you!!

thank you for the prompt! (from this AU ask game) This is a fun one. Though one could easily set it in the modern day, I would still set it in the 1920s, because that was such a fascinating time in terms of the spiritual and supernatural - you've got the Spiritualism revival that the show briefly explores in Death Comes Knocking, the rise of silent horror films like The Cabinet of Dr Caligari and Nosferatu, and the moral panic association between jazz and vampires, which is how you get the Jazz Age Vamp (taken literally in the Rivers of London second novel Moon Over Soho, which has vampires that feed on jazz).

Phryne is one such Jazz Age Vamp (not literally; she is perfectly human). She solves supernatural cases because she remains haunted by her sister's murder at the hands of necromancer Murdoch Foyle, which she has never been able to get him convicted for (it is very difficult to prove necromancy in a court of law). She is descended from a long line of witches on her mother's side. This means that Aunt Prudence is in fact a witch of considerable strength, but chooses to use none of it because Magic is Not Proper. As they have no female descendants, they adopt Jane into their line so she will inherit the power.

Jack is the detective inspector who keeps getting assigned all the cases with a whiff of the supernatural because nobody else wants to handle them. He has inadvertently become the 1920s Melbourne equivalent of the Folly (if you know Rivers of London). This is despite the fact that he is deeply skeptical by nature - had one too many run-ins with scam artists pretending to be mediums (the hypnotist whom Jane is forced to steal for is one such conman) - and is convinced that Miss Fisher is a fraud. After reluctantly solving multiple cases with her, he concedes ghosts are real but remains immensely annoyed about it.

Dot is a real medium who struggles to reconcile her gift with her Catholic faith. She falls in love with Hugh after being forced to exorcise him, because he is exactly the kind of idiot who would end up getting possessed on his first case.

Mac still works at the morgue, which is full of ghosts. She can see them but mostly ignores them ("are you trying to sabotage your own autopsy, madam? no? then go cry in the corner till I'm done. Thank you.")

Bert came back from the war. Cec did not. This has not stopped them from driving a cab together. Their cab can take you to any part of Melbourne, including the city of the dead. They are still Communists. They take the "spectre haunting" aspect of it very seriously.

Mr Butler has been working at Wardlow for the past century and plans to continue doing so indefinitely. Nobody knows if he is alive, dead, or undead; moreover they feel it is impolite to ask.

Every case in this AU has a supernatural element except Death Comes Knocking, wherein it is revealed that every single person involved is scamming everyone else.

Arthur Conan Doyle makes a cameo in Away With the Fairies. Harry Houdini makes a cameo in Death Defying Feats and spends most of it trashing Doyle's views on spiritualism.

Crypt of Tears is greatly improved by the crypt being full of actual undead.