#who can exercise and make new friends and go out and have a side job

[j-esbian]

genuinely at the point where. i know it’s unfair. but i am angry to the point of distraction whenever i read anything, watch anything, play anything, look at anything, listen to anything. i have so many desires and not the faintest idea how to act on it. any skills i once had have degraded because i don’t have any time to do anything and i get jealous and resentful that there are people who can. or else what is wrong with me that i can’t create great art in my 1-2 hours of free time a day. why am i spending most of my life at work, i still can’t support myself, and there’s people who do less than me for more money, so they have time and energy to do things. the creative drought has gone on so long that the well has been filled in. i can’t even get off from work to refill my meds.

[huskersbooze]

Who's in Control?

Alastor x Reader

| Part 1(here!) | Part 2 | Part 3 |

Summary : You sold your soul to Alastor and had no idea how big of a deal this was. Until recently, you finally learn what it means, and realize all that Alastor had been doing was just a lie.. or was it?

Pairing : Alastor x F!Reader, Huskerdust? (M!Reader here, Gn!Reader here)

Warnings : swear words

Additional Tags : Angst, miscommunication, misunderstandings, Alastor actually being nice?!, no use of (Y/n)

Ib : Who's in Control By Set It Off

Word count : 1.8k

"Good morning, dear."

"Morning, Al." You reach the lobby and take a seat on the floor next to Alastor's chair.

"How was your sleep, darling?"

"It was good! And yours?"

"Aha, hilarious, really. You know I don't sleep, my dear." He places a hand on your head and gives your hair a ruffle. "You really do know how to brighten my day."

The rest of the team reaches the lobby, and you all gather around for your daily dose of trust exercises.

-----

You and Alastor had been growing closer and closer ever since your arrival at the hotel. There was no doubt that he was your favourite person there.

And, well, for Alastor, he never wanted to admit it, but everyone in the hotel could tell, and even he was aware.

He was growing a soft-spot for you.

It was never supposed to be this way. He was never meant to grow attached. It just somehow happened, and that was that.

Everything between you two was going great. Except for that one little issue that bothered Alastor.. but you didn’t have to know. He never tried to abuse any of that power when he asked for your soul. He never thought of doing anything to you.

But there comes a time in every relationship where a lie can ruin it all.

“Hey, sugar. How ya’ doin’?” Angel Dust leans by the bar counter, greeting you as usual.

“I'm doing decent. Husk and I were just talking about you.”

“We were fuckin’ not!” You watch as the cat's ears twitch, the drink he was originally pouring tipping over.

“Oh, really? No need ta’ lie Husky~” You laugh at Angel's teasing, which makes Husk let out a low growl. “At least I don't gawk over a certain demon so obviously.”

“Hey! Are you talking about me and Al?”

“Who else would he be talkin’ about?” Angel tilts his head to the side, giving you a knowing glare. “Ya’ can't even deny it.”

“Al and I are just friends.”

“Kid, Angel's right.” The cat can only do so much but sigh. “You don't know him as well as I do. He treats you differently.”

“Still, we're just friends-”

“The Radio Demon doesn't do ‘friends’, kid.”

“Yeah, well, he owns my soul. Of course he'd treat me differently.”

The way it so simply came out of your mouth like it wasn't some big deal. Both Husker and Angel Dust froze in place, staring at you wide-eyed.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”

“What.. what did you just say?” The spider can hardly comprehend the news you'd just dropped.

“He owns my soul..?”

“Kid. What the actual fuck?!”

“What the fuck did he do to you?! Ya’ alright?! Are you hurt?”

You watch as the two demons skim your body up and down, firing questions at you, checking up to make sure you weren't hurt.

But you were confused.

“What's going on? Why are you guys suddenly acting so strange?”

“Wh- Why did you sell ya’ soul to him?!”

“Fuck I knew he was up to no good!”

“He told me by selling my soul to him he'd protect me from everything and anything at all cost. I didn't see a reason to decline?” You reply to Angel's question, ignoring Husk as he mutters about himself being correct. “I got nothing to lose.”

“Ya’ got everything to lose, shitass.” You hear his voice start to crack slightly as you realise tears welling up in his eyes.

“Angel?! Hey, what's wrong?”

“Damn, kid. You really don't know shit, huh?”

“About..?”

“What it means to sell your soul.”

“I know what it means, Al said-”

“Forget that fucker.” Husk practically spits out his name. “D'you know why I work here at the bar?”

“Because you like your job..?”

“No. It’s because I was forced by the person I sold my soul to.”

“Who..?”

“Hell, kid.. you really can't take a hint?”

And just like that, he says one more name, and your whole world comes tumbling down on you.

He didn't actually care for you, he was just shaping you in case you came to use.

He didn't actually enjoy your company, he was just watching you to make sure you were obedient.

He didn't actually mean any of the things he said. He was just trying to manipulate you.

And you were so damn lost. So damn lost as to whether the control and power you thought you had, really belonged to you.

“Valentino is an overlord.. and he's your boss?”

“Yup.” Angel nods.

“And he owns your soul like Al owns Husk’s?”

“Exactly.” Husk replies.

“And there's no escaping this contract..?”

“No.” The two reply together.

“Fuck.”

-----

“Greetings, my dear! How are you on this fine morning?” The static sounds from Alastor's usual seat at the lobby where you all gather every morning.

There's that usual smile etched on his face, which, you used to believe looked genuine when he was talking to you, but it seemed that wasn't the case.

“Hey, Husk. Hey, Angel.” You greet the two on the couch, completely passing by Alastor and ignoring his whole existence. “Mind if I sit?”

“Yeah, go ahead.” Angel scoots over and makes space for you to squeeze between Husk and himself. “Ya’ look like hell.”

“You alright, kid?”

“Couldn't sleep much last night, but I'm fine.” You reassure them.

The rest of the crew were a bit startled at your display, knowing well that you refused to not sit by Alastor's chair, normally.

And here you were, ignoring him completely like he was no longer relevant, and hanging with the other two demons.

“Okay.. what an interesting way to start the morning!” Charlie tries to break the ice.

Everyone turns their attention towards her.

Everyone but Alastor.

He was practically fuming with rage, anger, irritation, but yet, a tiny bit of worry.

How dare you ignore the Radio Demon like he was some piece of useless trash?

But then again.. why were you suddenly acting so cold and distant? What did he do wrong?

He couldn't help but focus his attention on you throughout the entire day, but you didn't even spare him a single glance.

Needless to say, you felt a knock on your door that night.

“Darling, how wonderful to see you! Wonderful, really. Mind if I come in?”

“A little. What do you need, Alastor?” You stand at the door frame, hand still on the door handle, prepared to slam the door in case anything happens.

Meanwhile, Alastor was pissed. You had never rejected inviting him in for late night chatting, in fact, you never rejected anything from him.

“It's nothing, really. I just hoped to have a friendly little chat with you, if that's alright?” Alastor leans down to your level, tilting his head and giving you his usual smile he reserved for you, and you only.

“A bit busy. Maybe next time.” You attempt to close the door, but a hand swoops in and, damn, was he strong.

“Dear, what seems to be the issue?”

“I’m really busy, Alastor.” You sigh. His ears twitch at the name. Where were all his sweet little nicknames? Why were you only referring to him by his full name?

“Clearly, something is wrong, and I ought to find out what I had done to deserve such treatment.” He states, making himself welcome in your room. “Talk to me, darling.”

“Oh enough with the pet names, I’m not your fucking pet.” You roll your eyes, closing the door behind you to make sure no one stumbles upon your little predicament.

Alastor stiffens, then laughs.

“Whatever are you talking about, dear? Of course you’re not my pet.”

“The damn contract says otherwise..” You watch as Alastor shifts uncomfortably, his back still facing you. “I should’ve known you just wanted another soul. Fuck you, Alastor.”

You continue on about how you never should’ve trusted him, and how you finally knew about everything so there was no point in him pretending to tolerate you.

Alastor, however, could barely process anything you were saying. He could hear his own static in his own head, and it was growing louder and louder.

What the fuck was happening? How did you know? What did he ever do? Where did he go wrong..?

“Darling, please.. You don’t understand-” The radio filter in his voice was off, his actual voice coming out as a soft plea.

Taken aback, you stopped talking. Alastor turned to face you, smile still etched high and proud, but his eyes looked like he was about to break.

“Alastor..” You murmur. “I just don’t think I can trust you anymore. I’m sorry.”

“When have I ever used any of that power on you?!” Alastor snaps, eyes darting all over the place, trying to find out what to do to fix all this. “I’ve been nothing but nice! I.. I helped you when you were in trouble! I did nothing to hurt you..”

You watch as Alastor starts losing his usual composure, having it slowly drifting away.. It was heartbreaking seeing him like this, but you couldn’t bring yourself to forgive him and pretend nothing happened.

“It doesn’t matter when you’re in control..”

“No.. darling, no! You’re in control!” He scrambles, grabbing you by the shoulders.

“Really? I’m not sure I trust any of that bullshit anymore.”

“Dear, please, listen to me..!”

“I'm sorry, Al.. I think it's best if you leave.”

He pauses.

“Have a good sleep, dear.” He says, voice filter completely off. It was a rare occasion getting to hear his sweet voice. Too bad it had to be under such circumstances.

-----

“Oh my, Alastor, what's got your ears pinned back?” Rosie leads her friend through the halls and has him take a seat opposite of her. “Is everything alright?”

“No.. no it's not.” He replies. “She found out.”

“About the deal?”

“No, Rosie. No.” He sighs. “She found out what selling her soul to me actually permits me.”

“But you never wanted to abuse that power, did you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then, I'm assuming you didn't tell her?”

“No.”

“Well, why not?”

“Would it make a difference?" She could practically hear him scoff. "She's irritated at me as is. It's not like she'd even heed my words."

“Come, now, Alastor. You know as well as I that the sweetheart would listen.” Rosie tuts, waving a hand at him.

“She doesn't need to know how powerful she actually is.. she doesn't need to know her soul is being gambled this very second.”

Alastor sighs, getting up from his chair.

“Thank you for your kind words, Rosie. I shall take my leave now.”

“Take care, Alastor.” She smiles. “I'm sure she'll understand.”

“I surely hope you're correct."

———/ TBC. /———

READ PART 2 HERE

[csmiclxtte]

Solar Return Observation (Saturn Edition)

Saturn in 6H being more responsible in your day-to-day life. Sometimes you feel like you have to drag yourself to do the simplest thing. The year when you may start living alone (like literally alone, no friends, relatives, etc). Difficulty in getting a job, or the year when you work for a role which doesn't fit your expectation. Maybe even being responsible of animals, pets, health, coworkers, etc. An overall dreaded feeling in day-to-day. The beauty of this placement is that it reminds you to cherish the most basic thing in your life, like stuff that you may took for granted before.

Saturn in 9H can literally mean facing obstacles in higher education. The experiment may failed, the data may be missing, the theory may be wrong. The people you're working with can be difficult. Since Saturn demands effort, you have to be disciplined and work consistently to finish all that has been started. A lot of philosophical or theoretical contemplation. Also challenges while living abroad, or having responsibilities in foreign country.

Saturn in 11H feeling of unbelonging, lost of community, feeling of isolation and loneliness. Almost like you have lost your tribe, feeling of not fitting in places. The placement overlay to your natal placement may give out the main reason of this event. (e.g. SR Saturn in Natal 4th house may feel like they did not belong because of how the new places is so different from where they came from, you may be put in new situation which lack of familiarity with your roots. SR Saturn in Natal 6th house may feel isolated in day-to-day life, or because of health matter).

The sign of Saturn is how you can adjust to the challenge

Saturn in Sagittarius needs you to be open-minded to new cultures and people who are not familiar to your background. You may need to be more extroverted too. Keep an open-mind, be receptive of people's opinion, being more optimistic. Religion or beliefs may help you to go through the challenge.

Saturn in Aquarius ngl with this placement I kind of resorted to online activity more lmao. The internet kinda helps, literally. Use the internet for the goods. Use it to educate you, to make friends, and to unleash your creativity. Technology is there to benefit you. Aquarius also speaks about embracing your unique self, networking, and taking part in your environment/community.

Saturn in Pisces this placement puts you in situation that exercise your empathy. Use your intuition, your feelings. Get in tune with your spiritual sides. Saturn asks you to be giving, give out unconditional love, but also do not forget your boundary. You can be kind, but don't lose yourself for other people.

Saturn Retrograde is the time when it gets especially difficult for you to change the situation. You may not realize that you've made it or you've nailed the lesson. A lot of times, Retrograde Saturn cues more to internal work. Your situation may not changed drastically, but your mind learned something. It feels like a very personal journey. A private experience, which no one would understand but yourself. It is exclusively accessible for you and you only. So yes, expect a reconstruction of your inner framework. It can also be frustrating because you can't just "show" people that you've learned Saturn's lesson. However, trust the process. The change does show in your action, your mindset, and even your heart.

Thank you for reading

[theambitiouswoman]

Reframe Your Thinking: Writing Exercise 💭✨

If you catch yourself thinking negatively, try to think about something better right away. Ask yourself, "How can I make this thought more positive?"

Think about a few thoughts that aren't very good or helpful. Also, think about any beliefs you have that might be stopping you from growing. Write down those thoughts on one side of a piece of paper. On the other side, write down how you can make those thoughts more positive.

Here are some examples:

Limiting Thought: I'm not good enough for this job. Revised Thought: I have the skills and qualities to excel in this job, and I'm going to give it my best effort.

Limiting Thought: I'm always so disorganized and messy. Revised Thought: I can work on becoming more organized, and I'll start by cleaning up one area at a time.

Limiting Thought: I'll never be able to lose weight. Revised Thought: I can make healthy choices and gradually reach my weight loss goals with determination and patience.

Limiting Thought: Nobody likes me. Revised Thought: I have friends and family who care about me, and I can make new friends by being open and friendly.

Limiting Thought: I'll never get out of debt. Revised Thought: I can create a budget and a plan to gradually pay off my debt and improve my financial situation.

Limiting Thought: I'm a failure because I made a mistake. Revised Thought: Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow; I'll use this experience to do better next time.

[seresinhangmanjake]

Not Your Type: Part 2

Jake Seresin x goth girl!reader

Summary: Jake Seresin doesn’t usually have to try hard to get women, but the only woman to catch his attention in a long time doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Written in the form of sharing milestones of their relationship as it develops. For example - Day 1: the day they meet; Day 3x: the day they (...); Day 5xx: the day they (...); and so on.

Notes/Warnings: Jake being annoying but also desperate. Cursing.

Words: 2990

Full Masterlist

Day 14:

“What do we want for this round, girls?” Gemma asks. She stands, albeit a tad unsteadily, at the edge of your booth with her hands on her hips, ready to take your order as if the Hard Deck provides her with biweekly paychecks. 

She’s been in California all of three days; she and Lola—friends from your hometown who were in desperate need of a change of scenery and accepted the offer of your extra bedrooms. And as usual, Gemma effortlessly embraced her new environment within the first twenty-four hours of her arrival. To onlookers, you imagine that of the three of you, she would be the assumed local.

“More of this fruity stuff, whatever it is,” Lola says around the thin straw clenched between her teeth as she nurses the current ‘fruity stuff’ in her glass.

Gemma looks to you with a raised brow, but you shake your head, tapping your nail against your soda cup. “I’m good.”

“Party pooper,” she playfully sighs, flipping a section of deep purple hair over her shoulder and turning in the direction of the bar.

Getting the drinks was meant to be your job—a welcoming treat after their exhausting move—but Gemma got a peek at the bartender, and by exercising the magical abilities that come with her smile, has spent half the night providing the three of you with free alcohol and fountain sodas.

“I’m the DD!” you call after her, but as is the case on most Friday nights at the Hard Deck, the volume of the room devours your voice before it can reach her.

“She’s gonna go after that bartender the second his shift is over,” Lola tells you. “Poor guy has no idea who he’s dealing with.”

“No,” you agree, chuckling and rapidly recalling the string of heartbroken men who would reach out to you or Lola in the hopes of getting ahold of Gemma after she’d ghosted them. “But they never do, and unfortunately, they never learn.” 

“You know, I’ve been told I’m a phenomenal learner,” you hear, but it’s a much deeper sound than the curly-haired woman at your side is able to produce. The unexpected addition makes the sip of soda in your mouth travel down the wrong pipe, throwing you into a coughing fit. 

“Oh, shit,” the voice rushes out, snatching a napkin from the next booth and thrusting it in your face. You take it to muffle the sharp choking noises fighting their way out of your windpipe. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

You scold yourself for not realizing he was here before he made himself known. It was almost two hours ago that you began feeling that same burning sensation from a couple of weeks ago, but you thought little of it, having scanned the room for him when you first arrived at the bar. You even opted to sit facing the front door, figuring you wouldn’t miss it if he entered, but he still managed to sneak in. He still found you. He still affects you.

As you recover your breathing, he extends his hand past you toward Lola. “I’m Jake.”

“Lola,” she replies, shaking his hand as she glances at you.

You let out a final cough, dabbing a napkin at the corner of your mouth then wiping it just under your waterline to pick up your tears. “Fuck,” you mumble.

“Name a time and a place, sweetheart, and I’m all yours.”

Lola snorts with her lips around her straw. Her following giggle makes air bubbles burst from her shallow glass. Stray droplets splash onto the table, a few soaking into the sleeve of your top.

You have no time to decide who is more deserving of your glare—Traitor Friend or Ken Doll—before Gemma’s return. As she slides into the seat opposite yours, she’s so focused on keeping liquids from sloshing over rims that she doesn’t notice the intruder. 

“Fruity thing for Lo,” she pushes the glass to Lola who eagerly accepts a fresh drink, “spicy thing for me, and, tragically, nothing for the DD.” 

When she finally senses the vibe at the table—greatly altered from what she left behind a few minutes prior—she turns her head. The surprise in her expression settles into subtle excitement as she rakes her eyes up Jake’s body to his face. With that wicked smile of hers, she plants her elbow on the wooden surface and rests her chin atop the back of her hand. 

“And what would you like?” she teases in a low, seductive tone.

“Just a chance to talk with your verbally vicious friend,” he says, jutting his chin in your direction. 

“This is Jake,” Lola informs her. 

“Jake?” Gemma questions you, cocking her head in genuine curiosity. “You’ve never mentioned a Jake.”

“He isn’t worth mentioning.”

Jake smirks through the jab. “You know, you don’t have to repeatedly stab me in the chest.”

“You’re the one who keeps standing in front of my knife,” you shoot back, crossing your arms.

There’s not a single uttering from the group of four as Lola and Gemma stare at you and Jake staring at each other. Neither of you is willing to break eye contact, and the tension becomes heavy, like rich honey—thick enough to drag your finger through. 

“Can we talk privately?” Jake then asks, that smirk still in place. He looks away from you only to address your friends. “You ladies don’t mind if I borrow her, do you?”

“Not at all,” Gemma answers, each word out of her mouth a little less crisp than the last. “As long as you borrow me next.”

“Gemma!” you snap. “Not this one.”

“But he’s so hot,” she whines.

“I’ll cut you off.”

She gasps. Then her bottom lip protrudes in a pout, and her hands cradle her glass as she pulls it closer to her chest protectively.

“That’s a very flattering offer, if we can call it that,” Jake says. “However, that guy over there, the one with the outdated mustache,” he steps aside and points to the friend you recognize from the other night. The brunet’s cheeks redden and he quickly jerks his head in the opposite direction of Gemma’s prying gaze. “He’s been having a hell of a time trying to keep his eyes off you tonight. Just can’t help himself.” 

Jake shakes his head, clicks his tongue, and faces your table again. “Honestly, I know the feeling,” he says. His eyes connect with yours, puzzle pieces locking together until the burn starts to sear too deep and you have to look away. “It’s a tough spot to be in,” he continues. “And I can’t in good conscience move in on the girl whose laugh has made another man blush three times within the last hour.”

Just like that, Gemma is over Jake. Other than the pang of relief you feel, you don’t think anything of her swift attention shift until five seconds, then ten, then fifteen pass without her ceasing her careful examination of Jake’s friend. 

“Will you come with me?” Jake asks you. “I promise I won’t keep you long.” 

You chew on your lip, trying to ignore his pull.

“Lola, you think she should come with me, right?” he says.

Lola doesn’t glance his way as she runs her finger along the rim of her glass to collect the leftover grains of sugar. “Secondary locations are very suspicious, Jake,” she says before pressing her fingertip onto her tongue. 

“We won't go far.”

Lola raises a brow at you and you sigh. “He's annoying but I'm pretty sure he's safe,” you tell her.

Jake smiles; another thing you don’t have to see to know it’s there. You feel that grin just from its power alone.

Standing, you straighten out your skirt, your fingers running down the dark material that flares from mid-waist to mid-thighs. Your belt is purely decorative, with consecutive overlapping chains that wrap around the band of your skirt and a tiny, crescent moon charm that dangles a bit lower than the rest. As you adjust the belt so the charm rests where it is supposed to at your hip, you catch Jake’s fixed stare on your movements. 

You don’t know what he’s thinking. You remind yourself that you don’t care.

“I'll be back in a minute, Lo,” you promise. “Gem, do you intend to blink any time soon?”

Gemma doesn’t turn. Jake’s friend has found a bit of boldness and no longer avoids her eyes. “No,” she says, waving you off. “Have fun.”

Jake tucks his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I was thinking the deck since it's on the beach.”

Ignoring his suggestion, you begin to walk in the direction of the front door. He follows into the chill of Evening’s breeze and you suck in a refreshing breath. Was it always so suffocating in there? 

“Ok, what do you want?” you ask once you’ve walked far enough to avoid blocking the entrance.

Jake remains a good six feet from you. His hands haven’t left his pockets. “To apologize, for starters,” he says.

“For?”

“Bothering you the other night.”

“So you decided to bother me again tonight?”

Jake’s lips part to respond, but he pauses, mouth snapping shut. Glancing down at the gravel by your boots, his brow pinches as his actions sink in. “Ok, ‘bother’ wasn't really what I was going for a second time around, but in hindsight–”

“If that was just your starter, what’s the rest?”

He looks at you with a tick of false innocence that rapidly dies under the weight of mischievousness, and you prepare yourself for what he’s about to deliver. “Maybe I shouldn’t say,” he teases, smile budding, teeth showing. “Maybe I should prolong the suspense.”

You fold your arms over your chest. “Do you remember what I said about wasting my time?”

“Something about my ego suffering the consequences,” he replies. “Even though you’ve had my ego in a choke-hold since you threw around that whole ‘I’ve noticed you but you’ve never noticed me’ thing.”

That, you didn’t expect. You didn’t expect him to remember everything you’d said, or care. But neither did you expect him to approach you after that night, so you suppose he’s full of surprises. You're just not sure if you like them. 

“Oh?”

He nods. “Yea, that one…that one was a thinker, for sure. Haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, actually.”

“Why?”

He sighs and drops eye contact. Like it’s too hard to maintain. Like he’s ashamed or confused or contemplating, or all three. Then he wets his bottom lip with a dart of his tongue; he draws that lip between his teeth, biting down; he barely shakes his head before he rejoins your gazes.

“Because I look at you now, and I don’t understand how it was possible,” he admits.

Your breath hitches. Your heartbeat trips, tumbling over itself, and you will it to find its proper pace before you dare open your mouth.

“Anyway,” Jake says to fill the gap that was meant for your response, “I also wanted to ask you out. On a date.”

You blink hard. Long beats snail along as you process the lunacy of that statement. “Has anything I've said to you indicated that I would ever agree to a date?”

He shrugs. “No, but it was either try once more and see if I have a chance with you, or don't try at all.”

For a man you’ve witnessed succeed in his every attempt at wooing women until you, you won’t deny that what he’s doing is gutsy and, you suppose, unworthy of being shamed. He’s resilient, determined, and you have great respect for perseverance, but in this case, it's not sufficient to rearrange your perception of him. 

“Do you even know my name?” you ask. “I never told you.”

He smiles; not broadly, not boastfully, but gently, sweetly, as if reliving a memory. “I asked Penny after you left that night,” he tells you. “It’s beautiful. Suits you.”

Your woven arms tighten, pointed nails digging into your bicep. Don’t shiver, you command your body. Don’t show the tingling chill he just shot up your spine and through your limbs. You try swallowing through the ghost-like grip he suddenly has on your throat. The light grasp of wispy fingers that don’t aim to choke, but simply rest around the column. Possessive but not controlling. Also not really there. And you don’t appreciate the growing strength of his power to touch you without you being within reaching distance.

The problem is, men don’t compliment you. Well, they do, but not like this. They compliment tits and ass and legs and face. They compliment clothes that they imagine ripping off, and makeup they hope they can ruin by the end of the night. Your name doesn’t often come to mind, and the ones who do ask for it, don’t ever use it again. That’s part of why you didn’t give it to Jake when he had asked. 

And then he went over your head. Fuck this guy.

“Before you say anything else—I’m willing to earn it.”

Your brows raise halfway up your forehead. “You're willing to earn it,” you repeat. “Why? You don't know me, and I have a feeling you understand that using me to prove some kind of point to yourself or your friends will only get you castrated.”

“I wouldn't have guessed castration, specifically, but that does seem in character,” he says.

He steps closer. His arm moves toward you, hand prepared to plant itself on your forearm, but at the last second, he thinks better of it and drops that limb back to his side. His fingers ball into a fist that tightens and loosens and tightens and loosens. He doesn’t know that you see him doing it, and then it stops. “Look, when you said that you're not my type, you were right. You were right. You're not right anymore. You only weren't my type because I'd never seen you before.” He takes a breath. “But I know I could swear that up and down, right here, right now, and you wouldn't believe me; not really; maybe not at all. So I have to prove it, don't I? I have to earn it.”

He seems to have forgotten that you know, and have known, who he is for months. Observation reveals more about a person than getting to know them firsthand. The Observed can’t pick and choose what they share with you to aid their desires and goals. In their cluelessness, they lose all defenses, all illusions, and Jake is no exception.

You’ve watched him pursue and flirt and conquer. You’ve watched him in the aftermath of the pursuing and flirting and conquering. You’ve watched his strategy of radiating cockiness to draw them in. There are the laughs, the winks, the tamed touches that bring out blushes, all of which join together until it’s the woman—and all of the near carbon copies of that woman—who takes the lead, pulling him into the bathroom or onto the back deck or out the front door. He’s tricky like that, but you’re not easily tricked.

“Have you considered that maybe you are not my type?” you ask. 

“I have, actually. It was a very troubling thirty seconds.”

“Thirty seconds of consideration?” Your head tilts. “Is that all?”

Jake acknowledges the offense you’ve taken. He doesn’t apologize but the disappointment in himself is palpable enough to satisfy you. But then he says, “Would you have come out here if you weren't attracted to me?”

And now you’re disappointed in yourself, because, no, you wouldn’t have come with him if you weren’t attracted to him. Attraction and curiosity convinced you more than his words, and therein lies the problem. One problem. One of many. 

“I shouldn't have.”

“But you did,” he says. His tone is low but it packs the punch of an exclamation point. You’re going to be hearing it for days. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

You sigh and let your arms unweave, falling at your sides. “I…” you begin, but you shake your head. You need to say this right. “Attraction is basic. It’s human. It’s all up in our personal space at all times. If that counted for anything, I’d be dating half of the usuals in the bar.”

You know the same goes for him. He finds a new woman to be attracted to whenever he walks into the Hard Deck and you’d be hard-pressed to believe that doesn’t extend to every room he enters. So you leave it at that and twist on your heel to head back inside. 

You hear a crunch of gravel as he takes a step after you. “Will you at least think about it? Please.”

Not stopping to answer, you reach for the handle of the door. “Have a good night, Jake,” you toss over your shoulder.

Being inside the bar does not stop your heart from thumping or your mind from racing through a jumble of thoughts that are no easier untangled than the voices around you, and it’s too much. So to avoid exhausting yourself, you shove those thoughts aside in favor of directing your attention to more important things, like one-third of your trio missing from the booth. 

“Where’s Gem?”

Lola nods her head and you follow. 

Across the bar, Gemma has Jake’s dark-haired friend leaning against the wall, her palms braced on his chest. One of his hands rests at her waist and the other is at the side of her neck just under her jaw, his fingers hidden by the curtain of her hair. There’s an oddness to their kissing. It is very non-Gemma kissing. They kiss freely like no one is around, but it’s not an attack of teeth and lip tugging or sloppy tongues; it’s slow, sensual. It clashes with the room. 

“I was gone for five minutes,” you say.

Lola shrugs. “She only needed four.”

---

tags: @kmc1989 @wkndwlff @dempy @sagittarius-flowerchild @oliviah-25 @rosiahills22 @xoxabs88xox @matisse556 @hardballoonlove @lynnevanss @pono-pura-vida @tgmreader @amgluvsbooks @ravenhood2792 @djs8891 @shakespeareanwannabe @penguin876 @tgmavericklover @athenabarnes @emilyoflanternhill @wretchedmo @shanimallina87 @crowsreadsarahjmaas @mamachasesmayhem @sky2nd @jessicab1991 @averyhotchner @rosedurin @horseshoegirl @roosteraloha @b-bradshaw @ssa-sadboi @buckysteveloki-me @whatislovevavy @dreamlandcreations @memoriesat30 @harrysgothicbitch @yvonneeeee @gg-trini

[mattmurdock42]

Henry's special night.

Summary: Henry's had a stressful week and you help him relax

Warnings: MASSAGES, BATHTUB, COCKWARMING, FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF

WC: +- 2k

It´s been three months since Henry started to work out for his new role, August Walker. He´d wake early and go to the gym, then, he´d go straight to the set´s gym to train for his fight scenes. He usually´d be home by 7 pm, but latelly, he was arriving at 9 pm, always sanding you picutes and videos of him training when he was late, apologizing and stuff. You didn´t knew how he could manage this schedule.

This has been his routine for a while now. However, this week you noticed he was a little different. He´d get home and go straight to the shower and bed, falling asleep in seconds. He used to always dine with you and talk and cuddle in bed, so this new behaviour of his shocked you. One day, while he was showering, you passed in front of the bathroom, which was with the door open, and you saw him leaned against the wall while the water ran against his back. You couldn't´t stand this situation anymore, not when, one day, his meals that he took to the trainig secions, came untouched. You knew all his diet, he needed to eat, and a lot, otherwise he wouldn´t even be able to stand still. You decided to do something, and it would be this weekend.

This friday he made home by 7 pm, then bath and bed as always. At weekends he would always just go to the gym and for a walk on the evening. He needed to go to the gym for his job, so you didn´t intervined in that, but tonight, he was not going out. You decided to accompany him in the gym, going 7 am, instead of your usual time, 5pm. You could tell he was tired, always yawning, sitting whenever possible, and making some exercises limited.

Getting home, you both went to have your morning snacks. "Henry, i´m worried about you." He looked confused at you. "You can barely stand still for to long. This days, your food came untouched. You need to obey strictly to your diet."

"Oh, that day i just forgot to eat, darling. It´s okay." He quietly says.

You knew he wouldn´t admit he was tired, he always wanted to pass an impression of being always strong, healthy and excited, rarelly letting his guard down. Moreover, you knew you were the only one he´d confess if something was bothering him. He trusted you with his life and didn´t know how he could love you so much.

"I won´t admit this situation to keep going. So, today i planned a special day for you." You say with a smile. He tries to say something but you cut him, already knowing he would say something against it, but in his heart, he really wanted it. "This saturday will begin with you taking a shower and doing whatever you want until i make luch, then, you´ll take a nap until down. During evening, i have a surprise for you."

"Baby girl, you know i don´t like surprises, even if they are nice, so tell me what it is." He pleaded.

"No baby girl today. Now, you are my baby boy, and will do as you are told. About the surprise, you´ll like it, don´t worry. Still, i´m not telling you." You winked.

He rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom. A few hours later lunch was ready. "Darling, do you have remedy for headache?" He asked you, because you were the one who usually had then, so his question was unexpected.

"Yes, i´m gonna get it." You go to your purse and reache him a pill. After lunch he was going to do the dishes but you sent him straight to bed, with a kiss on his lips and a soft smack on his ass, making him smile teasingly at you.

It was 4pm when you went to wake him. As you entered the bedroom you saw him shirtless tangled in your giant duvet. In your hands, you had a tray with boiled eggs, orange juice, and a sandwich of chicken with gratted carrot. The part of waking him, you left for Kal, who was standing by your side, waiting for your signal to wake his best friend. He patted the way through the bed, sniffing Henry´s feet who was out of the duvet. Henry sighed groggy, shifting in the bed. Kal got on the bed and went to lick Henry´s back. He turned to face Kal, opening his eyes and softly petting the dog´s head. Then, he turned to you. "Hello, my world." He says. You sat by his side on the bed and placed the tray on his lap. He kisses you on the cheek. "What i did to deserve this special treatment, may i know?" He asked. "Well, you worship me in every single way i could be worshiped, you give me love i didn´t know i deserved, and, the most important thing, you make me cum every week." He chuckled loud, smiling at you and saying "Well, maybe i should make you cum more, so i can always have special weekends." You grin and place your hand on his thigh, going up and down teasingly. "Maybe you should. You know, four times a week is enough for me." You joke. "Carefull with what you wish, my love. So, now it´s night, what is the surprise?"

You kissed him and gave a knowing smile, making him groan. " Now rest, dinner will be ready in a couple of hours, and you need to eat, my baby boy. Oh! And by the way, no going for a walk tonight. I´ll go with Kal to the park, but when i get home, i wanna see you doing nothing stressful, understood?"

"Yes, ma'am". He said with a pout.

After your walk, you put the lasagna in the oven and go to prepare things for the night. As you passed through the living room, you see your husband playing his video game. "Did your headache got better?" You asked as you seated by his side hugging his bicep. "Yes, that nap was heaven." He said as he didn´t took his eyes from the game. You untengled yourself from his arm and when you went to get up, you feel one giant arm embrace your waist and pull you backwards. You fall on Henry´s lap. With his other arm, he leans you to the side for a kiss. "Is this surprise anything that involves, i don´t know... my body? Since you comanded me to sleep all day."

"Yes, it does involve your body. But not in that way." You managed to say before your lips smashed togheter. "You are mine" he whispers as he lets you go. As you prepared the bedroom and the bathtub, you went to set the table. You both ate and did the dishes, Henry pestering you all the time, like a curious child.

"Now that everything is set on it´s place, can we go to the surprise part? It´s killing me!" He whined.

"Well, if you want it so much, lets go." He suddenly pulled you to a passionate kiss, sliding his hands with hunger to your ass, placing one between you legs, massaging your core. You break the kiss and push him away, one hand on his chest. "What have i told you? This is not the surprise." You grab his hand and guides him to the bedroom.

As he entered he saw candles everywhere and a chair by the bed. "Darling, if the surprise is not sex, then i really don´t know what it is." He says as he looked confused at you. You push him to seat on the bed. "My baby boy, i watched you on those videos that you send me of you training and i saw how stiff you were, you are to stressed. So, i´ll make you relax this night." You explain as you cup his cheek and with the pad of your thumb you massage his cheek. "Now, get naked." You command. He does as he is told. "Seat on the chair, but with your back turned to me." He straddles the chair. "hug the chair and straight your posture." As he does, you start to massage his shoulders. He flinches and let a pain sigh scape. He was too stiff. "My baby, so many knots. I can´t let you get to this state again." You start to work on it, making his shoulders go down slowly. When you were done, he inclines his head back, lips slightly parted. You grab both sides of his head and inclines it to expose his neck. You start to massage it, giving soft squeezes. You can feel his Adam´s apple. After you finish you say "Now, lay on the bad, back´s up." You straddle him and starts to work on his tensioned low back muscles, where he kept all his weight. After many minutes scrubbing and undoing knots, you went to his chest, feeling his defined abdominal muscles under your hands. You loved his broad chest, it made you feel safe and cozy. After he was entirely relaxed, you gave squeezes to his legs to release the accumulated tension.

The massage part was over. You sat beside his head on the bed and quietly says. "My baby, i´m finished." You say as you pet his head. "It´s my special night, so i demand more." He whispers, eyes still close. "Darling, your muscles are completely soft now, and the night is still not over." You took his hand and lead him to the bathroom. You had prepared the bathtub full of bubbles and soaps. "Get in there and seats in the middle." After he did, you seat behind him. Each of your legs on each side of his body. You pull him to lean on your chest. He hummes silently. "You are my favorite person on this universe. I must have been an angel in some other life to deserve you." He whispers.

"Well, i can´t say if you were or were not, but i certainlly was, because i got the most gentleman, loving, funny, smart, worshiping, prestative and handsome husband ever." You say as you place a kiss on his hair.

You both just stay there for a considerable time. After, you take a shower and go to bed.

"This was the best night of my life, dove."

"I´m glad you enjoyed it." You say as he pulls you closer, cuddling you. "You know how you were suggesting something before, then i started thinking..." You didn't finish your sentence with words, letting your actions take control. Your fingers went through his short's waistband and you grabbed his cock, already semi-hard, giving it gentle strokes. "Let me cockwarm you. I missed you these days, we didn't cuddled for so long!" You whisper, your lips hovering his. Before you could tell,he had already turned you over, back pulled to chest. You took off your pajamas and he entered you, making you gasp. Gosh, how you missed his giant cock. You both fall asleep in each other arms. The next day, you would give even more care to your baby boy.

[anamericangirl]

What’s a good reason to not take my own life? I’ve been feeling this way for years. Been to multiple treatment programs. Seen by several different therapists. Anti-depressants. I frequently go outdoors to exercise. Try to fill up my life with being optimistic about my (admittedly nice) job, hobbies, travel, and volunteering. And yet I’m still no better than I was 5 years ago and I have no hope about a happy future. “Your family will miss you.” Ok, and? I think it’s selfish to tell people in pain to continue living like that because some people might temporarily feel sad. They’ll eventually move on. My friends too, especially the ones who are happily married “to their best friends” and having babies and are so happy that they forget I exist.

Hey anon I hope I am not too late! I am just getting out of a hurricane and was without internet access for several days so i apologize for the delay.

But there are so many reasons not to take your own life. In fact, I can’t think of a single reason why you should.

I know it’s tough right now and trust me, I know that depression makes it all feel pointless and worthless and can plague you for years but even though if feels like forever I promise you these feelings and this depression and your circumstances are TEMPORARY. And it would be a tragedy for you to take your life over temporary circumstances and not see what is possible on the other side.

Yes your family and friends will miss you but you should stay because your life has purpose and meaning! Therapy and anti-depressants are good and I’m glad you’ve been trying those things because that means you don’t actually want to die - you just want the pain to stop. And that’s completely understandable and also manageable!

It’s great that you’ve been continuing to exercise and do volunteer work because those things can definitely impact your mood, but they aren’t the source of true joy, peace and happiness. Now I’m a Christian so I’m sure it won’t surprise you for me to say this, but what you are looking for and what you need can only come from God. I urge you to put your faith and trust in him and give him your burdens.

The devil has a hold on you right now, don’t let him win!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - John 10:10

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” - psalm 55:22

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” - psalm 34:18-19

But now that I’ve gone on my spiel, here are some reasons I think it’s good to keep living. Not all my original thoughts but ones i agree with.

1. You matter

2. No one else is you.

3. Your younger self

4. Your next favorite song.

5. Warm blankets.

6. Thunderstorms

7. The fact that you’re in control of your future.

8. Experiencing new cultures.

9. Making new friends.

10. Road trips.

11. Sunsets and sunrises.

12. Reading good books.

13. Learning a new language.

14. Adopting a pet.

15. Fresh baked bread and cookies.

16. Getting packages in the mail.

17. Autumn.

18. Pumpkin spice.

19. Drinking coffee in the morning.

20. Beaches and being able to sink your toes into the sand.

21. Stepping on crunchy leaves.

22. Recovery.

23. Falling in love.

24. Rain.

25. Petting puppies and kittens.

26. Drinking water.

27. Trying something new and loving it.

28. Your favorite artist putting out new music.

29. A new season on your favorite TV show.

30. Planting a garden and growing your own vegetables.

31. Farmers Markets.

32. Trying out the newest local coffee shop or restaurant.

33. Karaoke

34. All of the people you have yet to meet.

35. Horseback riding

36. Stars.

37. Ice cream.

38. Ice tea.

39. Scented candles.

40. Learning something new.

41. Museums.

42. Going to the movies.

43. Hearing your favorite song come on the radio.

44. Learning to make a new recipe.

45. Your life is precious.

46. You are enough.

47. Random acts of kindness.

48. God looked at the world and thought it needed you.

49. Your story could save someone else.

50. Looking back on this time in 10 years and realizing you made it.

There’s an endless amount of reasons to stay alive and I hope some of them resonate with you.

But if you are desperate please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline at 988. If you are outside the US then you can find the number for your location here.

Please know that I am praying for you and please reach out to me again if you want to. I would love to keep up with how you are doing 💜

[falconearring]

Hello Falcon, first off LOVE you're AU and designs, their so unique. I was just curious and I don't think anyone's ever asked this but.. What did everyone do before the Apocalypse? Aside from Scar which you already answered. :)

Hi hi! So happy to hear you're enjoying! I think here and there I've mentioned bits and pieces of some character's pre-apocalypse lives, but never all at once. Here's a comprehensive list of everybody's prior occupations, with some supplementary info for the characters that I've thought about the most.

Etho worked on an industrial farm. He was mainly tasked with planting and harvesting vegetables, and other miscellaneous labor tasks. When he wasn't working, he spent much of his time with Cleo and Bdubs. He's notorious for leaving his flip phone on the kitchen counter in his apartment when he goes out for the day, so it can be a bit difficult to get a hold of him. In general, he's pretty content with his life, and enjoys the routine his job offers.

Joel sort of just goes through the motions. He works a number of minimum wage jobs during his adult years, and doesn't really do much else. It isn't until the apocalypse, when he starts to meet new people and he realizes being lonely sucked. If you ask him, though, he's never felt lonely in his entire life-that would just be silly.

Grian spends his late childhood learning how to cook in a local restaurant. The owner and staff look after him best they can, but despite their hospitality, he resolves one day to grab as much cash as possible and head to a seaside town to start his early adult life. There he finds a small funeral home, and lands an apprenticeship only because they could really use the help and the owner themselves isn’t particularly concerned if they have to cut corners. It isn’t long before his inexperience starts to cause problems, and he takes off yet again when it comes to light the name he had been going by was stolen from an obituary a few cities over. He continues as he was, from place to place and name to name. It’s become somewhat routine for him to cheat every person he comes into contact with, in some way shape or form.

Scar, as we discussed in this post, has an extensive criminal history. Him and Grian somewhat deserve each other in that regard.

Cleo does a lot of crafting in their free time. I don't think I ever decided what she does for work, but on the side she does jewelry making, pottery, crotchet and a bit of sewing. She often sells some of what she makes, or gifts it to friends.

Bdubs does a trades program and is just starting out doing construction work. He takes up drawing as a hobby, mainly life drawing. His two best friends are his whole entire world, baby! He somewhat struggles with his independence, and usually wants to spend his time with Etho and Cleo.

Martyn is a hypnotherapist who specializes in past and future life progressions/regressions. He also claims to be a surgeon, but it's unclear what kind or when exactly he got a PhD.

Bigb was a racecar driver. Later in his career, he switched from cars to offroad motorcycle racing. He fell in love with modifying bikes and became a really knowledgeable mechanic.

Tango was a paramedic. Not much time for anything, but when he can he usually would meet up with some of his buddies to play board games.

Ren worked at the saw mill where Etho's friends are set up. At the time, he was living in a cabin in the woods not far from his work. He was somewhat of a hermit, and he has all sorts of woodsy knowledge and equipment at the ready.

Impulse has a bachelors of engineering and worked as an electrician for a few years. Loved his job, loved having to take out all his piercings most days a lot less. He's always been very close with his brother, Skizz, and they meet up often.

Skizz worked a 9-5 office job, and genuinely could not be any happier about it. He's the type of person to make extra time to exercise, or wake up early just to have some quiet time.

Pearl was an art student on exchange from Australia. She has a passion for installation pieces and painting. Some of her work is a bit strange.

Mumbo was a programmer. What did he program? I don't know. I'm sorry Mumbo fans. If it's any consolation he is so disoriented and so scared and so stressed.

Jimmy lived on a small farm with his family. It was all he knew growing up, and it was all he really knew going into adulthood.

Lizzie had a part time job at an aquarium in her town. She gave tours and sometimes did workshops with the kids where she did aquatic themed arts and crafts.

Scott.... I have a hard time imagining what he was up to before everything happened. Who can say for sure what he did in his spare time? (<- the guy who is writing the AU and can't think of an answer)

Hopefully this is helpful! Sorry some of it is more sparse than other parts. Take care, thank you for reading ^_^

[gemini-sensei]

Ready for the Next | Pregnant!Gremlin!Reader x Hawk Moskowitz

Chubby!Fem!Reader ○ Pregnancy

The day is peaceful and calm. Hawk is at home putting up the finishing touches to baby proof the house while Reader is relaxing. She's too tired to do much, let alone her crazy a d bizarre stunts he loves so much about her. He hears her light snoring from the other room and he does his last few odds and ends quietly so as to not wake her. He knows she needs all the rest she can get.

It's been a good day and when he's finished, he goes to start dinner. Everything is quiet, which is rare for them because his pretty little wife is always doing something or talking about her wild, beautiful ideas. However, it's peaceful - the peace before the storm of new parenthood he supposed. With her round belly ready to pop, he knew he didn't have to worry about too much yet. They could enjoy the days leading into it all.

Or so he thought.

Halfway through cooking, out of the corner of his eyes, Hawk sees Reader waddle into the doorframe. She holds her belly and watches it closely, hardly paying him any attention in all honesty. He's worries almost immediately.

"Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he asks, hurrying to her side.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah we're fine," she tells him softly. She looks up, blinks, then says, "I just think I'm in labor is all."

"You think?" he asks. His heart starts beating rapidly. How can she be so calm in this moment? If she's in labor, then that means they're going to be parents soon.

A contraction hits and she takes a deep breath. It the most composed he's seen her be since trying to snatch up fish from the koi pond. She focuses on her breathing and when it over, she lets out an easy breath. Then she says,

"Call Moon."

She turns and waddles away, and Hawk is left to his own devices. He stares at her for a moment before he goes to the stove, turns it off, and makes the call to their midwife friend. His heart wants to beat out of his chest while he's on the phone with her, explaining the situation, and is only a little assured when she tells him she'll be there soon.

When Moon arrives, she finds Hawk freaking out more than Reader, who is sitting doing the breathing exercises she showed her. It's a little funny and gets a giggle out of Moon mostly because it's usually Reader bouncing off the walls and Hawk just acting like it's another Tuesday for them.

"So, how far apart are your contractions?" she asks, sitting in front of Reader.

She has to think about it. "Thirty-ish minutes, I think. Maybe a little less."

"Well, that's good. That means we have a little time," Moon says and grins happily. "I want to check how dilated you are if that okay."

As Moon starts to pull the string on Reader's sweatpants, the pregnant woman giggles. "Okay."

Hawk comes to his senses after being mostly ignored and helps get Reader out of her pants so Moon can do her job. He's at Reader's side, holding her hand but it's more for his own sake than hers. He's kissing her knuckles and babbling on about how everything's going to be okay. Reader is unphased by his actions and her calmness is honestly freaking him out more.

"It looks like you're almost halfway there," Moon chimes. She smiles at the couple and puts a sheet over Reader's legs. "When you get closer to giving birth, I'll call my partner in and we'll have this baby out of you."

"Cool," Reader says, smiling at her friend. Then she put her arms out. "Hug?"

"Of course," Moon obliges with a laugh. She hurries over and hugs her friend, the two laughing happily, at least until another contraction hits.

Reader does her breathing and Moon lightly coaches her through it. Then its over and she bounces back quickly, smiley and happy as can be. Then she says, "We have to tell Miguel and Sam. They'll wanna know the baby is coming."

Hawk nods a bit, suddenly remembering he has other friends. "You're right. But you don't worry about that. I can let them know."

As time passed, Hawk became increasingly more anxious and paced the room. That alone was starting to bother Reader, as she never saw him so nervous before. She didn't like it and made sure he knew that too

"Can you stop that! It's kind of really annoying," she said, trying not to be irritated for the baby's sake. She didn't want to start worrying the little one or anything like that. However, there was plenty of attitude in her tone regardless of her efforts.

He stopped and went to her side. "I'm sorry. I'm anxious. But how are you so calm right now? I mean, we're about to have a baby."

She shrugged nonchalantly. "We've known this was going to happen for months now."

"Yeah, but still. Our lives are about to change forever... we're gonna be parents."

She took his hand and smiled at him. "Another adventure."

He smiled back at her. How she was so calm, he had no idea, but she was confident in everything they'd done so far and confident going into the next chapter of their lives. So why should he be the same? He kissed her knuckles, but just as soon as his lips left her skin, another contraction came.

He held her hand through it even though she squeezed with a strength he'd never seen before. He just talked her through it though, knowing she was in a lot more pain than he'd ever experience. She was so strong in his eyes, even before deciding to have the baby naturally at home. It was part of what made her so beautiful.

He could hardly wait any longer for their baby to be born. It was going to be the beginning of their best adventure yet.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Spring sprang sprung"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read about your upcoming spring time and what may bring you/what may happen for you.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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12 34 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

Spring may bring you a few opportunities. And I think they may be of different type and in different fields. I think you'll need to prepare for them cause you may get a few actually... Tbh, it could also be that you're only in need to prepare yourself in spring and by its end or summer, you'll actually be able to see/manifest these opportunities. I suddenly had to crack my neck as if I was preparing for exercising or a run. So yeah, it could also be about competition... maybe you'll be competing for something soon, even a job place somewhere important (or the agency of your dreams, for example). Just... there's something that blocks you. I don't feel the excitement I would feel. I think you may be trying to not be too hyped "just in case it won't go as well" or.. you may even renounce to join the competition cause you feel not good enough to win. On one side I totally get you (I mean, the not-getting-too-hyped-part, despite it is not entirely right either), but on the other... the message here is clear: do not let your fears block you. Take part in this competition, try: the worst that can happen is that you may not get the place but you'll gain experience, you won't have regrets and you'll gain strenght. I do think it may go better than you can imagine. Fly high, not low (as I keep hearing).

song: she's so high | tal bachman

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pile 2

Your spring is all about delicacy and love. My heart chakra is fluttering. I think you will either focus on your self love more or you may meet either a friend or somoene that may become something more than a friend. You may have tendencies to self sabotage, feeling lonely and on some tougher days you may find it hard to deal with these emotions... like you cannot see a way out, or how you can actually find your people and stop this pain. Worrying is normal, especially if all your life has gone always the same way, but it won't take you anywhere different. Make a choice of stopping this overthinking, stop bringing yourself down for any reason: see that you are worthy, and start being more hopeful and more aware of who you really are. Go out, start some new hobby, go for a run, start new classes... you name it. Just focus on whatever makes you feel happier and passionate, and don't worry about what others may think. They aren't you. You like dancing? Go dancing. You like baking? Go baking. It's up to you. The moment you leave this "lacking" mentality and feeling you always end up putting yourself in, your people will show up magically. Just believe you deserve them (and be sure they deserve you).

song: love songs - bonus | kaash paige

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pile 3

You may find it hard to focus on all the things you'd like to. I do feel you need to choose something, and postpone the rest (if not stop it). The question is: where you wanna go? What you really want to do now? You may tend to overwork and stress yourself sometimes, just because you feel good and you cannot really stop. You may really like what you do but... on the long run, you won't be able to keep up with the pace. You need to meditate and decide what it is that you want the most, what makes you happy. Leave others outside for a moment and decide for yourself. There's a new beginning in store for you, with loads of things happening, but in order for it to start and to actually work as you'd like to, you need to make a change (in particular inside of you). Be in control, be detemined, and keep trusting even if you cannot see the whole picture yet. It's all good, it all is gonna be more clear and happen fast to you, like one thing after the other, the moment you make your choice. (sadly the message isn't too clear cause indeed things cannot be too clear for you now: you need to sort things out first inside of you. Without knowing what's next, but deciding based on your guts). I suddenly feel hyped and my heart chakra kinda moved so I think it may also relate to love or relationships for a few but not necessarily: it may just be a lot of good things happening and making you happy. Many things happening one after the otehr and it'll feel confusing, so be ready.

song: it won't stop | sevyn streeter, chris brown

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 4

Your spring will be about closing some chapter, saying goodbye to something, and maybe working on something as well (mostly related about your personal life, so shadow work of sort; but ofc it could also be planning something career/school related for some of you). It will take you lot of effort, especially closing chapters (be it with generally your past or someone specific), but it's gonna be worth it. After this, you'll feel more balanced and in control and you'll be able to focus better on your dreams and goals (and this is also where "planning" comes out again. Plan about what you want to have, where/who you want to be and how. It's up to you). I see clarity after a quite heavy/difficult moment in which you may have felt kinda stuck or confused about something (may be a specific situation too). You will also be more into your own power, more appreciative of yourself, of your efforts and the person you are inside/out. All in all, despite a slightly tougher start with the goodbyes and all, this spring will end on a very positive note. I think for some may also sign the start of something new especially in career but also in your personal life (self confidence, change of style...), or receiving a good news about something or meeting someone new as well.

song: release | ken elkinson

[askmemenoquestions]

Slay the Princess Starter Sentences

*Contains spoilers

"You have a job to do here. Just get in there and do what needs to be done."

"While I appreciate the mental exercise, we are running up against a bit of a ticking clock."

"It's no use arguing semantics over a metaphorical chicken-or-egg, because the egg is hatched and it's about to ruin everything."

"If anything, slaying a princess is better than slaying a seamstress. Seamstresses contribute something of value to society."

"You're playing a dangerous game by coming here unarmed."

"We could have gotten out of here together. Were you just lying to me this whole time?"

"If I have to kill you, I'll kill you. Do you think I need both of my arms to do that?"

"This vessel is full of you. I need something empty I can crawl inside of. I need something shaped like me."

"This world is broken beyond repair. We must weave something new."

"Do you want to linger here, entwined with a creature you taught to hate you forever? Eternity never ends."

"You shouldn't have let that fear creep into your heart. You had the upper hand, and now look at you."

"Don't think that just because I'm the one in chains it means you have a right to interrogate me."

"You poor thing. I'll go ahead and put you out of your misery."

"This was fun. You put up more of a fight than I thought you would."

"You have made a decision. It is the wrong one. I love you."

"Please, shake yourself out of it. We have to get out of here."

"No... this is the beginning of eternity. Your reward."

"And then you locked us away in an empty void for eternity."

"Like I've been saying. She's dead. We killed her already."

"Why are you even here? Just making sure you finished the job or what?"

"I was willing to ignore everything you did to me so we could get out of here. Together."

"But I guess violence is the only language you speak."

"On second thought, let's not kill him. Let's throw him someplace that never ends. I'd like to see what that does to him."

"You are familiar, but you are not me. I feel sadness, longing, hope as I witness you."

"I'm sorry. There are some changes that can never be undone, there are some tears that can never be unshed."

"I have not lived. I am not afraid to die."

"If you need time, then I'll wait with you."

"What textures will you weave for yourself to occupy forever? Will you place 'You' and 'I' into a box for safekeeping?"

"I will be here waiting by your side until you're ready to return to mine."

"She asks that I tell you to remember her. You won't."

"You've made a terrible enemy, and there's nothing in the world that can possibly save you from me."

"After all this time alone, I thought I'd finally found a friend. But you were just another monster, weren't you?"

"I know who you are, and I remember what you've done."

"We don't have to make things better. We can't make things better."

"We're just meant to chase each other in the dark until one of us catches the other."

"I'm glad to die horribly if it means you die with me. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"The thing that sits beyond our edge speaks his logic into us. He tries to grasp at things that cannot be grasped."

"It was a fitting end. I'm sorry if it hurt. But doesn't this make it all seem so small?"

"Whenever you are ready, I will wipe your slate clean once again."

"Words are... difficult for me. They never fully weave what I wish to say."

"There is nowhere for you to be but here."

"You have already committed to my completion. You cannot go further astray."

"What you're seeing here is obviously real. Just accept it and go with the flow."

"You are like me, even if you have chosen not to look at the corners of you that do not fit, even if you have chosen to ignore the brilliant contours of your soul."

"The desires of my multitudes thrive in endless competition with themselves, but none of them rise above their dance to influence me."

"You've brought that knife again, even though you know it's useless. Such charming audacity."

"Oh? Are you still trying to defy me? I. Said. Kneel."

"What a pitiful display. A wounded little bird thinking it can defy a god."

"Was severing the tendons of my ascension not enough for you? Was it not enough to rend my divine heart?"

"I hope you weren't planning on dying. We're going to make this last forever."

"These gifts are a conversation, and each one shows me the contours of your heart."

"I'm going to have fun breaking you into little pieces."

"You and I are always going to end in violence, so why bother to run?"

"I never wanted to fight you. So how do we leave?"

[brightside-of-the-upsidedown]

I'm not sure how I'll continue it yet, but this is the infamous pastel grunge punk!Steve I ended up writing instead of tentacles, so enjoy XD

Sparked by this beautiful post

By @discodeviant because while I was reading, Beggar's Song by Matt Maeson started playing in my head.

Steve looked into the backroom bathroom's cracked mirror and fixed his hair for the seventh time in the last thirty minutes. It was practically a ritual at this point when he was nervous. Well, maybe it'd become his lucky thing after tonight.

He brushed the hair away from his face and clicked his tongue ring pensively. From one side, his new haircut still had his usual thick brown voluminous waves with highlights that nearly brushed his shoulder. From the other side, he'd had it trimmed down into a disconnected undercut and dyed baby pink. He'd originally been planning on dying all of his hair pink and getting both sides shaved, but had chickened out. He'd still been thrilled by the outcome though.

Or at least he had loved it just this morning. But would everyone else? Had he made a mistake and fucked up one of the only good things about him-

A fist banged on the door and Robin's voice came through the door. "Come on, dingus, you're already pretty. Stop spiraling and let's go!"

Steve smiled and let her in. "Aw, Buckley, I'm pretty? Even pretty enough for you?"

Robin snorted and wrinkled her nose. "Don't push it. Now get your ass up on stage before it escapes those pants and makes a run for it. You're never going to throw those out, are you?"

Steve looked down at his worn thin jeans and yeah, maybe they were a bit tighter than usual in the ass, but their new apartment had a lot of stairs, okay! Despite it being almost more holes than pants, they were comfortable and definitely something his parents would never have let him wear when he'd still been under his dad's thumb. So of course that made them his favorite.

He turned and washed his hands once more. Robin let out a choking noise and pointed at his ass. "That's a new hole."

For a split second, Steve thought she was talking about something else until she poked at a spot on his ass not covered by the pants. There was a new hole in his jeans that showed off a not small peek of his ass and thigh. But it was low enough that Steve wasn't too worried about it.

"Buy a guy dinner first, jeez." Steve teased her.

She just slapped his ass. "Yeah, sure, I know a great little place on Easy Street called Cafe Puttana."

"Did you just call me a whore in my own mother tongue, Buckley?!" Steve gasped dramatically. "And maybe if you dressed like this more often, you'd stop having to resort to handing out free drinks to get a girl's attention." Steve hip checked her as she giggled at him and opened the door. "Now let's get this show on the road before everyone notices their favorite bartenders are both missing. My public awaits." He adjusted his pink jean vest over his Nirvana t-shirt as he stepped out, still picking, still-

"Your 'public' is a bunch of drunks, punks, burnouts, and half dead partiers." Robin hugged him from behind just before they got to the stage in the bar. "So don't let the nerves get you. Just have fun and sing me a song, piano man."

That got a genuine laugh out of him. "I'm no Billy Joel, but I'll see what I can do, uptown girl."

Robin went up on stage to announce him. She hyped him up as best she could given her audience and got a not too bad round of applause. Steve wasn't expecting much, this was a gig he'd just gotten only because he worked at the bar and the band that had been scheduled to play had canceled. He usually worked as their bartender and he was good at it. He probably wouldn't have gotten either job if Robin hadn't stepped up to bat for him.

Steve practiced his breathing exercises as the players they could find on such short notice got ready. He stepped up on stage, gave a friendly wave to the regulars who recognized and cheered for him.

He took a seat at the piano he'd had to tune himself before the show because it got so little use.

"Hey, you bunch of vagrants and drains on society." His words were met with proud hoots and hollers. "It's me, Steve, your favorite bartender." This was met with a loud boo from the bar, Robin playfully heckling him.

"That bunch of assholes the boss hired canceled, yeah, I know. So you get me instead, aren't you lucky? Usually you have to buy a drink to get to listen to my dulcet tones." Steve grinned as the crowd booed, whistled, and catcalled. "So enjoy the music, I wrote it myself. Yeah, that's right, fuck you, I have layers. Or if you don't like it, just shut the fuck up and enjoy the view you bunch of pervs." More catcalls.

Steve signaled the players and waited a moment, waiting for his cue, as they played the intro. They weren't bad for only two days of practice.

Jesus, come talk to me

I am but a blind mess, I am wild and free

I know that I need us more than I need me

One more whiskey, I am wild and free

Steve started playing as he continued singing.

Oh, but I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down

Oh yeah, I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down

Steve didn't hear any hecklers, not that he thought anyone was that willing to get on Robin's Shit List, but he still didn't dare look up.

Oh, my mother Mary, come walk with me

I am on four drugs, I am wild and free

I know that I failed less, the less I knew me

Wander through the darkness, and come walk with me

Steve felt good about the beat and the band seemed to be really getting into it.

Oh 'cause I'm a beat down washed up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'll be damned if I let it keep me down

Ay, yeah

Yeah I'm a beat down washed up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'll be damned if I let it keep me down

Yeah, yeah

He timed his breathing as the band trailed into the chorus.

Oh yeah, I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down, yeah, yeah

Oh, I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down, yeah, yeah, yeah

Steve nodded and belted the post chorus.

You know that it's not over

It's okay to let yourself hurt

Swimming in the murky water

Won't you come on out? Yeah, yeah

You know that it's not over

It's okay to let yourself hurt

Swimming in the murky water

Won't you come on out? Yeah, yeah

We sing a beat-down, washed-up beggar's song

And we sing it even louder when the money is gone

Because we'll be damned if we let it keep us down, yeah, yeah

Oh, I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down, yeah, yeah, yeah

Steve blinked his eyes open when he felt a bit of an echo- no, there were people singing along. He recognized Robin's off key voice and smiled. Steve sang out the lyrics with his whole chest.

You know that it's not over

It's okay to let yourself hurt

Swimming in the murky water

Won't you come on out? Yeah, yeah

You know that it's not over

It's okay to let yourself hurt

Swimming in the murky water

Won't you come on out? Yeah, yeah

He could hear a lot more voices raise with his as he sang the last chorus as the band tapered off. "Come on, beggers!"

We sing a beat-down, washed-up beggar's song

And we sing it even louder when the money is gone

Because we'll be damned if we let it keep us down, yeah, yeah

Oh, I'm a beat-down, washed-up son of a bitch

I got one more cigarette and all my money is spent

But I'ma be damned if I let it keep me down

For an embarrassing moment, Steve thought he might fucking cry at the roars from the bar. Yeah, it was a few dozen regulars, drunkards, and partiers blitzed out of their minds, but it was leagues above his self doubt's worst case scenario. He had to swallow hard more than once before he felt confident enough to talk into the mic again. 

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it, you assholes?" Steve knew he was probably smiling like an idiot, but it was hard to care. "Give a hand to the band, they had like two days to fucking practice my crap, holy shit."

The bar clapped and yelled for them. The band looked pleased with the positive attention and a few waved back. One flipped off the audience much to their delight.

"Now, the rest of the songs are covers, the good shit, I promise." Steve announced. "So spend your fucking money, don't forget to tip, and enjoy."

They ended up playing some Nirvana, a little The Clash of course, Dead Kennedys, Siouxsie and the Banshees, through in a Motley Crüe song, and topped it off with his beloved Queen.

To Steve's honest surprise and giddiness, there was a demand for an encore of Beggar's Song. He led them through it one more time before ending for the night. Closing time was in less than an hour and he wanted to help Robin out with last call.

They got a decent amount of tips that he let the band take the lion's share of, but still got a sweet fifteen bucks on top of the thirty his boss had already paid him. He'd be able to buy some pretty good food for him and Robin this month.

That's all I got for now!

The backstory is Robin and Steve moved together somewhere after Robin got kicked out for coming out to her parents.

Maybe she stayed with Steve until her parents told his parents and they called to tell him to send her home, whatever. Robin and Steve decided to strip whatever they could from the house, sell it, sneak into her room while her parents were gone to pack, and they rode off into the sunset. 

Now they have a shitty apartment, jobs at a shitty bar, and they've never been happier. ❤

I have plans to bring Billy and Eddie into it later.

Two Nights Ago

Robin: I volunteered you for a gig

Steve: I've only sang in front of you!

Robin: it's time to fly, I'm kicking you out of the nest, dingus

Steve: does this make you my mama bird?

-Robin throws a pillow at him-

Steve: how could you do this to your child!

[typically-untypical]

Past Judgements

AU: Lawyers

CW: None that I'm aware of

WC: 1515

Date: 12/1/2023

As a public defender, it was Virgil's job to make sure everyone on his caseload was given a fair trial. He wanted to make sure everyone got a chance, especially those who couldn't afford to hire a fancy lawyer. Unfortunately, all of that was easier said then done. His caseload grew by the day and the people he helped were often not forthcoming with the truth. How could he blame them, a lot of the people he was trying to help had been torn down by a system that wasn't designed to protect them. It was a fight to convince them that he was on their side, that he wasn't there to make them look bad but rather to help them out. Sometimes, with time and effort, he could get the truth out, but he just didn't have the time. 

Straightening his purple tie, he waited for the officer to buzz him into the facility. Today's meeting was with one 'Janus Hennily', a name Virgil was surprised to see again. He had known Janus when he was younger, a student at his high school who was full of sarcasm and trickery. Janus had been... not necessarily a bully, but he certainly wasn't going to be the one who stepped in when someone was being bullied. He was more of the 'walk away and not get involved' type. Virgil wondered where that Janus had ended up. He had seemed intelligent but they had never really been friends. He had been hot though.

"Ah, Virgil Black, aren't you a sight for sore eyes. Looks like you ran off and became a lawyer. Good for you." The smooth voice echoed in Virgil's mind, it was deeper than it used to be, rougher around the edges like it had actually seen time and hardship.

Vigil's grip tightened on his briefcase, "Janus, so it is you. I'm surprised you got caught with all your running away." There was no reason for him to be so hostile, but Janus brought back high school memories; memories of him being too weak to protect himself, too weak to take care of what he needed to take care of. High school hadn't been a good time for him.

Janus put his hand to his chest, the chains around his wrists and ankles jingling as he moved. "Me, a runner, never. You should know I'm not one for physical exercise if I can avoid it. It seems like you're good at jumping to conclusions though. Were you surprised to see me here or did you expect this was where I'd end up?"

Though his face had changed, his smirk hadn't. The new scars only deepened its terrifying nature. When Janus smirked it seemed like he knew all of the secrets of the world and he was just waiting for everyone else to catch up. Too bad Virgil had seen him be a total dork in high school and that smirk lost some of its power.

With a sigh, Virgil sat down, putting his briefcase on the table. "What did you do, Janus?"

"Rude as always. Isn't it your job to prove I didn't, or do I need to ask for other counsel. It seems you already have prejudices against me." Maybe Virgil was just imagining it but it felt like Janus was actually hurt. That wasn't Virgil's intention. Honestly, he didn't know what his emotional intention was, but he knew what his job was.

"I'm here to help, and I'll do it, I just need you to be straight with me, why are you in chains?"

"Be straight? Good luck with that, I haven't been straight since Remus showed me his parents’ copy of the 1990's Mummy movie, but I can be bi with you." Janus leaned back, looking Virgil up and down. This was the worst part, people trying to avoid answering questions by deflecting or saying something shocking. 

"You're avoiding the question." Virgil scowled and Janus rolled his eyes.

"And you're not an ounce of fun. I was being honest with you, I didn't do anything, nothing illegal at least. I was at a protest, which is a protected right I would like to add, and I was arrested under charges of 'disturbing the peace', however, we weren't chanting, we weren't blocking traffic, we did everything by the book and yet we were still arrested, a true travesty." His voice wavered on sarcastic but there was something more behind it, something that hinted that Janus was tired. Virgil didn't want to get soft for this guy. Janus had run away when Virgil needed help back in school and a guy like that wasn't the protest type.

"Come on, they wouldn't keep you if they didn't think they had more on you than that. I've read through the file but something is missing. I need you to tell me what I'm not seeing or I can't help." Virgil wished Janus would just answer his question. He was the other man's lawyer, he had client attorney privileges. He wasn't going to tell anyone because that would be very much against his rules. Janus had to know this, he was the type of guy who had reveled in the details and loopholes he could get around, but he didn't seem to be reveling right now.

His shoulders had dropped and he was looking up at the ceiling. "The cop that arrested me... we have a history," Janus whispered, suddenly sitting up. "Do you know how embarrassing it is to be caught by the same pig twice, especially when the second time he had a vendetta."

"But your file doesn't-"

"I got him on a police battery charge, it was dropped and we settled out of court but he was put on suspension 2 years ago. Apparently he was let back on for 'good behavior'. When I was able to, I had it taken off my record. I don't like people being able to trace me easily. Plus, people get weird when the background check shows charges, even if they were dismissed. For fucks sake, I'm probably going to lose my job over this which means I will still feel the consequences of his actions even if they let me go. Congrats to him, officer piggy still wins, even if you manage to get me out of this." Janus sighed and did his best to put on a smile, leaning toward Virgil, "So what now, lawyer man?"

Virgil was taken back by the sudden shift from honesty to flippantness. It was almost like he could see through Janus' facade for a brief moment, but then it was gone and he could only remember the kid in high school who’d run when he needed help. It was hard to remember that people changed, but Janus had apparently changed, at least a little bit. 

"Alright, I'll look into it. If we can prove he was discriminating against you then we can seek damages. It won't get you your job back but it might get you a bit of reparations for your lost time." Doing things like this always made Virgil a little on edge. He needed to prove that not only was Janus innocent, but he had been targeted because of his past with a previous officer. "Is there anything else you want me to know before I leave?" Virgil was already starting to pack up his stuff, moving his notes into his briefcase as he started to stand. He was expecting a teasing comment or some snide remark, but he wasn't expecting Janus' quiet sincere voice.

"You grew up well, handsome, successful. I wish I had gone after you in high school."

Virgil froze in his place, completely taken off guard by Janus' confession. "You ran away when I was being bullied, I wouldn't have gone for you."

"Fair enough, but if it helps, I ran to get a teacher. No sense in having both of our faces slammed into the dirt. I'm not certain if you know this or not, but I have very little athletic ability."

Virgil snorted, shaking his head and grabbing his briefcase. "I remember, well maybe if we can prove your innocence, you can ask me out."

"You don't already have someone?" Janus looked surprised and Virgil smiled at something genuine flashing in his face. 

Virgil shook his head, "I changed my last name, but it's in memoriam. I lost my mother five years ago, Black was her maiden name."

"Oh," Janus reached out, stopped by his chains so he just sat back. "I'm sorry to hear that, I remember her being a pretty nice lady."

"Yeah, she was. She's why I wanted to be a lawyer."

"Well then, I owe my freedom to her."

"That's if we win." Virgil responded and Janus just smirked again.

"We have to, otherwise I won't be able to take you on a date."

Virgil blushed, turning and leaving as quickly as he could. He had a rule of not dating criminals, but if he proved Janus was unjustly detained, then he wasn't a criminal, right?

Right.

Tag List: @simplestoryteller @fantasticfangirl21 @joylessnightsky @glacierruler @tsspromptmonth

[razor-tits]

A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

[skyler10fic]

Public journaling because I need to get this out:

I'm having reflux/GERD induced by my anxiety disorder among other stress related things.

This anxiety is often triggered by spending time engaging with how awful the world is.

I do want to help raise awareness, make the world a better place, be a more informed voter, and do my duty to give everyone resources to do the same.

I cannot keep engaging with this reality at the current rate.

I struggle to set boundaries with my scrolling because it's my highest level/easiest accessible connection point with other people and something for my ADHD brain to focus on.

I cannot simply stay focused because of the ADHD. It is an inability.

At home, I do other things, like household tasks.

But I'm required to be in the office three days a week. Half days are an unofficial/coincidental accomodation.

When I'm at the office, I don't have little tasks to do. Everything is (honestly quite boring) deep thinking, high concentration work.

I cannot "just get a new, more interesting job" in a field that was always highly competitive and has been dying for 20 years. My job is very good for pay and benefits in comparison to others in my field.

So the key is I need a way to engage with people and work with my brain that isn't working against it: neither doomscrolling nor shaming myself into just staring at the screen and forcing myself to work at a slower pace so I don't have so much extra time. I can't just tell my brain not to be bored or not to need distractions.

If I get up from my desk at the office, I'm supposed to count it as break time. So I can't go on walks on the clock. If I take lots of breaks, that adds to the amount of time I'm physically at the office and cuts down on free time. (I do take 30 minute lunch and occasionally 15 minutes here and there.)

My group chats are great, but my friends have busy lives with lots of other things going on so it's not the frequency and volume of Twitter and Threads.

Almost all of my friends are far away, and the people physically close to me have resisted my efforts to increase emotional closeness and depth. They are all in for hanging out, but uncomfortable with emotions or vulnerability or friendship beyond "people I do preorganized activities with."

I can't eliminate the brain need through ADHD meds because of my liver problems (thanks for that, Strattera extremely rare side effects) and other medical risks the doc is not willing to take. Psych doc also says I need to show a positive result on the computerized ADHD $5k test my insurance doesn't pay for (created for hyperactive boys, not high achieving adult women who perform well on tests) to really consider my "attention issues" as for sure ADHD despite EVERY other medical professional verbally diagnosing me. I definitely have ADHD. This is not a question. But there doesn't seem to be a med solution anyway.

Possible solutions I'm working on:

1. More library books I can sneak glances at or listen to on my phone

2. Lists, curated social media experiences, joining more happy/low-stress groups

3. Boundaries, muting words, blocking abundantly

4. Under desk bike helps a lot when I'm not too tired

5. Standard GERD reduction tips and other physical health care

6. Mental health care

7. Listen to soothing ASMR at night

8. Physical self care (food, exercise, hydration, sleep, etc)

I think if I didn't have the ADHD creating a need that the doom sites solve (and by solve, I mean meet the immediate need by creating different problems), this would be easier. It isn't simple "addiction." It's higher up the logical food chain than that.

Today this came to a head with some emotional dysregulation: there is a big personal issue with someone I trusted potentially being a bad guy, and I can't talk about it with my local friends because they won't understand OR they are his coworkers, who can't discuss the situation with me for understandable HR reasons.

Add that stress on to the national / global doom written on the wall for political reality and history and life as we know it, and then there are Oppression Olympics competitors yelling at us that we're privileged , spoiled brats if we're upset because THEY have been marginalized worse than us and THEY aren't fazed or distressed because they are so morally superior to us BABIES who are apparently new here....

Blah blah blah

Anyway. I would very much like to get rid of this stress response in my digestive system so I can eat normal food.

[itzddsyanderefanacc]

🖤NEW OC🖤:

●●●MEET RANDY●●●

Randy is a oc I've been slowly developing for a while! I'm using him for all of the yandere fandoms im into (some with some minor changes and some with some drastic ones) he's really just a fandomless oc that I've had for a while now, so I'm just sprinkling him into the ones I'm in :3

Now..About randy!:

Randy is a 8ft tall 23 year old who was born with gigantism and Myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy! he does sound pretty monotone when he speaks, as well as also sounding very sarcastic sometimes but he loves the ones he cares about. he has a passion for fashion and use to be in a band in high-school he knows how to play the bass and piano. he currently has a job as a engineer and a side hustle of making fashionable clothes for bigger and taller people like himself!

weapon of choice: his fists

likes: baked goods, walks at night, solitude, exercise

dislikes: unessasary violence, anyone who hurts DD, when people ruin electronics for no reason, toxic masculinity

His background story:

(TW: VIOLENCE, TRUAMA, ARSON, DEATH AND TALK ABOUT DIEING)

~~°♡●•🖤•●•🖤•●•🖤•●•🖤•●♡°~~

Randy was born into..a not so great household, but he only took notice when he was 4 years of age. Disptie living in a big house almost mansion like house in the south woodland area of Hillsville his father was very abusive to him and his mother. One day when he was now 10 years old, his father and mother got into a huge fight, after, his father left for a few hours. In that time Randy and his mother where catching up on things, doing some good mother-son bonding time. But they where both intrupted by the smell of smoke, and before they knew it the whole house was caught on fire, trapping both Randy and his mother inside. Neither of them could escape due to how quickly the house caught on fire and how the house started tumbling down on his mother. Randy didn't want to leave his mother but his mother begged him to run before he dies..so he tries but all the exits where blocked so randy, on the first floor of the now burning down house was about to succumb to his inevitable death. He crawled back up to his now dead mother and laid beside her dead burnt up body..and as he thinks he's about to die he hears sounds, sounds of water. A small girl comes into his view with pastel pink skin and short light purple hair, a young 8 year old DD. She managed to get the hose from the side of their house and bring it inside spraying a pathway out. as soon as she saw randys body she sprayed him of any fire that was on him. holding the hose in her mouth and carrying Randy's body down the stairs and outside to a neighbors house. even though it hurt, and that he was only partially conscious he was so greatful for her coming to his rescue.

Randy was quickly rushed to the hospital, into the ER. where he had to undergo a

multiple surgeries and a blood transfusion which DD also provided being a O- bloodtype. his healing process took months and within that time his rich aunt decided to adopt him. once randy was out of the hospital he knew he was never going to be the same again. everytime the doctors tried to place doner-skin on him the skin always rejected, so they always had to take it off leaving a very very thin, almost see-through layer of skin right above his muscles, leaving him with a horrifying appearance. But over the years the doctors have noticed his skin was beginning to slowly heal, his non burnt skin slowly getting rid of the massive wound he had on the left side of his body, though doctors say he probably won't fully heal up till he's dead they can only watch and observe, along with giving him lots of medication to ease the pain.

His school life wasn't all that difficult, he went to a public school for middle school where him and DD hung out along with a couple other friends. In high-school he went to a private school, payed for by his aunt where he was separated from DD and his friends to focus in his grades and life plan. Randy was never really bullied in middle school or high-school due to how he looked, but he was rarely ever approached and often was looked at weird by other students.

Now that he's an adult he decided to move to doomsbury where DD lives, knowing he probably doesn't have much time to live, he wants to spend as much time as possible with his best friend as he can, knowing he probably only has 10 or less years in him.

(I hope this is clear enough for you all to understand!! I'm not the greatest at writing :<)

Facts about randy!:

●DD is his bff, but he could never date her due to his life expectancy (he doesn't want to break her heart)

●due to his wounds he's developed a very high pain tolerance

●he makes all of his clothes and alters all of his shoes

●Randy is a REALLY FAST runner

●Randy does not deal well with surgeries (he often rejects foreign organs and is really hard to wake up. doctors fear if he under goes to much surgeries he may fall into a coma)

●the news station in his hometown wanted to do yearly interviews to keep up with his life since his story and his father's arrest was such a big hit in his hometown but Randy refused, not liking the publicity and everyone knowing his business.

thats all for now! I hope you guys like him! I'll try to use him in more artworks coming up :3