#ppl who can go to therapy every week. who can go to the doctor. who can make art

[j-esbian]

genuinely at the point where. i know it’s unfair. but i am angry to the point of distraction whenever i read anything, watch anything, play anything, look at anything, listen to anything. i have so many desires and not the faintest idea how to act on it. any skills i once had have degraded because i don’t have any time to do anything and i get jealous and resentful that there are people who can. or else what is wrong with me that i can’t create great art in my 1-2 hours of free time a day. why am i spending most of my life at work, i still can’t support myself, and there’s people who do less than me for more money, so they have time and energy to do things. the creative drought has gone on so long that the well has been filled in. i can’t even get off from work to refill my meds.

[rantz-for-st0ry]

ig the good thing about making a research doc (which I'm dubbing as 101s) for the aforementioned person is that, now, ppl cant fake claim me for allegedly not doing research and just googling the disorder, looking at "silly websites" and relating to a few of the symptoms listed!! a thing I actively advise against!! I got receipts on my years of research into DID now!! I got sources I can fuckin cite!

most of this rant is in the tags cus I didn't wanna clog up my complaining Abt this person post w my "fake claimers r fucking stupid" rant

never befriend ppl w a names. it never goes well. /vvvlh /silly (as in I mean no real offense to ppl w a names)

[lais-a-ramos]

i usually don't talk about personal stuff, but, since i'm still waiting for the public university that i get my free therapy from to clarify whether the program continues or not, this is a rare venting post ig...

well, earlier today i attended the funeral of one of my paternal aunts.

she died yesterday, and we got the news late at night.

as it's common for many working class Brazilian families, there are, like, 4 houses in the same terrain that belonged to my late grandpa, so, we all sort of lived together, and it was a huge shock for all of us.

other relatives, who live in the same town as us, also appeared to show support.

i overheard a cousin of mine (who is younger than me and recently lost her own mom to breast cancer, which just shows how strong she is to come back to the place she grew up to support the remaining aunts, one of which is her grandma) saying this aunt died of pulmonary embolism, after she was diagnosed with pneumonia last week.

my dad also said something earlier this week about lung damage, if i remember correctly.

me and my big sis, we suspect that this aunt either got covid or was suffering from the consequences of long covid, since she was looking weaker and more fragile in the past 2,3 years or so.

but, since the health unit she was admitted has a pretty basic infrastructure, as it's common for small towns here, we might never know for sure, bc we don't even know if it occurred to the doctors to get her tested...

i wasn't particularly atached to her, but it's still very painful, bc, with the terrain thing i said above, i still grew up with her and she was a psrt of my childhood...

but, most of all, it's particularly painful bc of the son she left.

he has down syndrome, but, as it's also common for the lives of working class ppl here in Brazil and i assume South America in general, he never had access to the type of multidisciplinary healthcare support that he needed and is a person with high support needs, which means he depended on his mother for almost everything.

in the days she was still at the health unit -- which can't be called a hospital, bc it's this type of unit we call here "unidade de pronto atendimento" and serves to provide medium complexity healthcare -- he frequently asked to my other aunts and relatives when his mom would come back.

he is not completely abandoned, since my other aunts, who helped said aunt to take care of him, are still alive and will take care of him, which is a relief ofc...

but they are also elderly women, and way older than his late mother.

and, most of all, it's been devastating way beyond words to hear the poor guy crying and having panick attacks as these aunts and my other relatives tried explaining to explain to him that his mom won't come back to go to church with him ever...

bc, really, there are no words to describe how terrible it all is...

it's also a pretty average working class Brazilian experience, as you guys can see by the stuff i mentioned above...

and, i don't even know what's the takeaway from this story i'm telling...

i guess it's just to give an insight of what life here in this country can be, you know, besides all the venting and stuff...

(and, YES, i know that other countries on the Global South still got it worse.

in fact, even here in Latin America.

it's just that it's still fucking terrible that we have to endure this type of stuff every day bc of economic inequality and other social issues)

maybe it's just a reminder that life and death are way bigger than all of us idk...

just a reminder of one of those "remember you are mortal" moments that life throws at us sometimes...

yeah, sounds about right.

[seraphim-soulmate]

I needed to send another email to a government program and when checking if I'd attached the proper documents, started crying pretty hard because I didn't fully realize what I'd been sending these people. I fully read the documents that I've just been sending as proof of my disability and it tore me apart while building me back up.

One document is a testament to every treatment I tried, written by the pain clinic, with all the results of every treatment. Every consult I went to, another update about what I'd been trying. it's not absolutely everything either, bcs there were months that I didn't go to the pain clinic so they didn't get an update. I did SO much and fought SO hard to get myself help, to try to feel better. And it's all there, in that document. And I'd gaslight myself into thinking my problems weren't that bad, that I was being excessive or making things up. That I didn't have a right to articulate my needs and get them met, that I wasn't even allowed to have needs. I had to work, actually work on, in therapy, finding out my most basic needs. Then communicating them. Without dismissing myself or belittling myself or thinking I'm bad or my needs are bad if someone cannot meet them. Now I have to work on communicating them in a way that doesn't sound like an order, and communicating them early enough that I don't feel a need to articulate them like an order.

There's also of course my psychiatrist's letter which is hard-hitting too. The fact that I helped write the rough draft only makes it even more painful, but in a good way. The last sentence, after pages of my diagnoses and how they impact me, is "despite his many problems, he presents a beautiful resilience associated with a strong desire to improve his life conditions and to better integrate into society." When you've just read the medical report from the pain clinic, then the one from the psychiatrist, I don't know who wouldn't be shaking in tears after that tbh. Especially with the knowledge of where I was at in life, that I was caretaking for my grandmother the entire time that I was struggling myself, and that I was alone. I had friends, and I cannot be more grateful for those who stood by me, but not having family is hard. Knowing your parents don't understand and can't help is hard. I'm glad my dad tried, that he's gotten better at believing me again. He was the one who actually came to me with the idea that it might be fibro, but that was such a scary diagnosis at the time, for the fact that it was psychosomatic and for the fact that there was no relief, that it took me a bit to accept that he was trying to help. And then I looked into it more. And I went to the pain clinic. And I got so so so very lucky making an appointment, I got one for the following week because of a cancellation. I would have had to wait months otherwise.

Knowing I did that, by myself, alone. I researched conditions and symptoms and medications and treatments and therapies and the list goes on! I became a micro-expert in my field of disability, because you have to if you want to know what your doctors are doing to you and what you can do in response. Advocating for yourself as a disabled person and fighting with doctors is one of the most fucked up things I got from this experience. Some of them are absolutely repugnant.

I searched for all the medical professionals, I reached out to them, I booked the appointments, I reached out to get help going to the appointments so I would have a witness to how doctors treated me, I tried again and again and again, despite so many treatments failing or even worsening my pain. It's so weird to look back on that and think that I didn't just do nothing about my condition, that I was more active and engaged in my care than most disabled people are (or can be, no diss to disabled ppl who cannot get access to care).

I'm proud of that, of everything I've done, but it's also deeply fucking sad. I did that all alone. I didn't get a diagnosis when I was younger, I didn't have the support of my parents. My mom didn't book doctors appointments for me, she didn't take me to them, she didn't hold me when I was weeping with pain and grief and loss. She's proud of me, for everything I've accomplished, because she's now seen people with my conditions who struggle more than I do and she realizes now how excruciating it is for me to be here- to exist. Realistically I know it was easier for me to do it without her, she lives in the middle of nowhere and would have been more of a burden than help, but it's still hard. It's hard that I cannot count on my parents for this, to literally take care of me. Idk if it'll ever not be hard, if I'll ever forgive them for not listening to me all those years I cried out for help to be met with silence, or worse, accusations of lying. Of making it up for attention.

But I'm a success story. I'm living, breathing, being human, being loved and loving, and dealing with it all as it comes. I get to wake up another day and see how the sun reflects off the leaves, I get to see another sunset, I get to see the snow, I get to go to the park, I get to craft, to create, to play. I get to be part of other people's stories. I get to discover my own story.

[sgkjd]

i'm gonna cryyyyyy, why am i like this

the psychiatrist i saw today was saying something along the lines of "why do you want to be reassessed if you'll get basically nothing more out of it?" and "the therapy is going to be focused on your personal difficulties anyways doesn't matter what diagnosis you have and don't have" etc and i was like "but i need help in everyday life. yes, i can sit in my therapist's office for an hour a week and perfectly understand my troubles and learn new methods to deal with myself/life, but when i'm left alone i cannot do it anymore. i need guidance when i'm in the exact situation. rationally i know how to deal with it, but my brain and body won't listen".

and then he was like "yeah of course, healing is a long process, i'm not saying you'll get it straight away. we never stop learning in life." and ohmygod his last line was soooo cheesy and out of place and it sounded like when ppl say "meditation heals depression" lmao i instantly got so annoyed i almost laughed out loud and was like "let's not philosophize here" 💀 although just like any other specialist in this field he had many stereotypical beliefs of the "everyone is a little bit autistic" sort but he was honestly quite nice and respectful compared to every other doctor i've seen. why did i have to be so annoying though 😭

it's so twisted how i'm basically just saying "i need help, please help me i can't live like this" but it feels like i constantly need to fight with the ppl who are supposed to hear me and help me, and i need to "prove" how hard it is for me – and not just simply state things that are hard for me, but to make sure i have extensive argumentations, my logic is consistent, i say things placing accents on the right places.....

[fadeintoyou1993]

hey bru hope this question isn't invasive but can i ask what happens once you get diagnosed with autism? i really think i might be autistic but i'm not sure if a diagnosis is worth it lol like do you get prescribed some kind of medication or is it kinda just like "well here are tools on how to deal with it" and nothing more?

its not invasive dw i actually get a lot of questions abt it n im always willing to help out as best as i can bc ik its a whole Process n having ppl who went thru it tell u how it was flr them can help sjsj

but well in my case since it was a late diagnosis there was a lot that i needed to work through (there's a lot of mental illnesses and disorders and actual brain damage that i developed or heightened by growing up with undiagnosed autism) and i still do, so i have to do cognitive therapy with a psychologist specialized in ASD once a week, then i have a psychiatrist that follows my process and prescribes me the medicine i need to take and how often i have to take them and which doctors i need to go to, which usually means i have to go to a neurologist at least once a year for check-ups.

my family has many cases of people in the spectrum and our processes are somewhat similar but not as much, since every person is different and not all autistic people are the same. it also depends on which country you're from and how the health service is over there? but that was my case. i was diagnosed in 2018 and its pretty much the same as it had been when i got it, although now thankfully its gotten more flexible since its been a few years and ive managed to "grow into it".

i hope this helps? i dont necessarily think that you need to get diagnosed to find tools to help you deal with it, but in my case it was kind of extremely necessary considering i'm kind of a at-risk case with all of the other disorders that i have and how they meshed with my autism. but, again, every case is a case, and if you feel like it's not necessary for you, then that's fine. but in my case, it was 100% worth it, so i always will say that if you're able to do it and find the guidance you need, then you should go for it!

if you need anything else lmk 💓

[teleportzz]

Another autistic person with n24!! I saw your post from last august about sort of resenting when the schedule aligns to society’s and while I don’t ever post on here idk i just wanted to say i get it ig?? Or I’m glad someone else gets it?? I sleep so much better in the day, sunlight is too harsh and white it’s hard to see when I’m outside sometimes, i like not having to be around more people than the ones who live in my house. It’s to a point that i almost dread treatment and entrainment for fear of loosing it?? It’s so dark and quite and cool at four in the morning, i can sit on the floor of my kitchen and watch the sun rise and it feels like the only things left on earth are me and my cat. I don’t have to regulate myself at all there’s no one watching me no one to perform socially for and there’s nothing going on to trip up any of my senses it’s lovely. My day is about 25-25 1/2 hours so i cycle into a socially acceptable time every week and a half or so and i end up having to do so much in those few days of daylight i have that its overwhelming i hate that week so much sometimes its insane. It feels like I wasn’t built to be diurnal at all sometimes and that if i ever manage to entrain i should become fully nocturnal instead.

AYY HELLO!! i'm still so surprised at how many ppl have both autism and non-24! i had no idea that post was gonna reach as many as it did. i'm so glad i'm not alone in this, i hate hate hate when i'm diurnal and i'm so much happier on a nocturnal clock, even if that means i can't go out and experience the world around me as much. and my day's about 25.5 hours too!

if it helps at all, i was scared of treatment too because i genuinely like my sleep cycle despite how disordered it is- for all the reasons i talk about in that post. i like being diurnal sometimes so i can go outside and be part of a society, but i also need to be nocturnal sometimes so i can recharge and manage my sensory issues. i begrudgingly tried light therapy and a few different sleep medications for about two years, obviously none of it worked but they (the doctors and specialists in charge of my care) just wanted me to try it anyway, and i wasn't able to entrain myself at all without becoming really sleep-deprived and depressed. i eventually was able to communicate all this with them, and i've been let to free-run my sleep since it causes me the least amount of distress and it's what i prefer for myself. like you have options if you hate how you're living on treatment- you'll find the path of least misery eventually

[labradorite-princess]

how did you apply for disability i need tips and do they come over to your house. How is the process

Hey! I hope I can help. I'm in the US. I'm not sure if it's different in other countries.

My biggest tips are:

Be prepared to wait. It took around 10 months for me to hear their descison. I called a few times to see what as going on. That may be a good idea for you to do too. When you call there may be a long wait too. Even when I call about my benefits now I get long waiting times. Last month I waited over an hour and a half. This may depend on what state you live in.

The application is HORRIBLE! They ask the same questions over and over again. At least the online application does. I know there's a way to apply over the phone but I've never done that. I cried while filling it out. It's exhausting. Take lots of breaks. I took like three days to fill out the whole thing with my moms help.

I've heard most ppl get denied the first time. You can appeal tho. Don't get discouraged. Ppl normally get lawyers when this happens. I'm sure they have reviews online for good ones. I believe if you get approved the lawyer will get a portion of the money you get for waiting to be approved. You only get money if you're approved tho. They give you a portion of your monthly income. From what I understand most lawyers will only want money if you win.

They did not come to my house. It may be different depending on what disablity(s) you have. I have mental health disabilities so I'm not exactly sure what they do for physical disablities. My mom's friend is also on disability and she has said nothing about them coming to her house. My mom applied and was denied but they never came to our house. And she applied bc of her back. The only thing I can think of is that for my insurance I can agree to have someone come and check in on my living situation. But that's 100% my choice. They don't force that to happen. And that is the insurance I have currently. Which I got when I was approved.

You may need to see doctors your state has approved. My mom had to do that. We went and they took X-Rays and I'm not sure what else. After they did that she talked to someone about her mental health. I had to come with for this part. They wanted her to bring another person to get their side of what is going on. I went in by myself. They asked about what house work she can/can't do. How often she leaves the house. Does she have specific depression symptoms (ex - staying in bed all day or sleeping all day). Stuff like that. I was REALLY nervous but the man was v nice and welcoming. I did not have to see doctors the state chose. I have over a decade of information recorded about my mental heath. I've been seeing mental health professionals since the age of 14. I also did long term programs right before I applied. I did PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). That lasted over a month. I went Monday - Friday from 7am to 2pm. They taught skills ppl can use to help when their symptoms get bad and skills to help your mental health stay on track. I saw therapists and a psychiatrist and social workers everyday. We did group therapy everyday. I liked that. It took me a while to open up and start talking more but torwards the end I did. I was almost done with the program when I had my breakdown. I ended up going to a Pysch Ward for a week and then did a month in a Residental program. The Pysch Ward depend on where you go. The ones I've been to have been nice. Residential is v similiar to rehab but without the struggle of addiction. I spent a month there. I saw a regualr therapist and a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist every weekday. I saw a women once a week that specialized in eating disorders. Residential is actually the place I finally admitted I have them. They have specially trained staff who check on you throughout the day. I had Art and Recreational Therapy two to three times a week. I saw a Psychiatrist twice every week. What I'm trying to say is I had a lot documented about my mental health. I applied right after I went home from Residential so all the info was brand new. Sorry I got a little carried away with the info about me. If you or anyone else has any questions about Pysch Wards or Residential Programs please feel free to ask me.

They may need you to send in more or the same info in to them that was on the application. I believe you can pick how they contact you. I think the only options are by mail or email. You can drop the info off to their office, mail it in, some can be done online, or fax it in. I chose to have both options of contact. That way if I missed an email or a letter got lost in the mail then I had a second way of seeing the info they wanted to give me.

If you get approved please look into programs they offer to help. They really do help. My insurance offers a program (UCard) where they give you $189 a month for over the counter medical supplies and healthy food. You can still get Food Stamps/EBT but it won't be much. And if you stay up to date on you health appointments they add (a small) amout of money onto the card for you. I think like $10 if you get a physical exam or a flu shot. That's actually why I have someone coming to look at my living situation. Every little bit helps.

If you have any more questions don't be afraid to ask. I'm sure I missed at least one thing. I hope you have a good day/night.

[theredpharaoah]

Rewatching, and I kinda feel bad for Jasper. I’m on “We Are Grounders” Part 2, and Jasper’s proven himself many times by now - within the episode even. Them constantly having no confidence in him - even when he delivers - wasn’t helping to make him better. On another note, it is impossible to miss the graveyard of plot lines literally everywhere. What was JR doing? You can literally so many avenues he meant to go, and then decided not to pursue at the last second. It just ended, but this is definitely a show that needs a reboot. He just kept fumbling the story. Even The Primes in Season 6 - that was good. He should’ve did something with them instead of going to Bardo. And then season 7 rips literally everything in prior seasons to shreds. If every Grounder had nightblood, then how did it become rare? Fighting for commander wouldn’t have done shit cuz everyone who was on the ground needed NB - they would’ve had to kill everyone. Also, it’s a gene therapy not like an epigentic trait that was switched on. There’s no way they would’ve selected against it at that scale in only 100 years. Opposite of that, there’s no way The Ark ppl would’ve been able to adapt to solar radiation like that in only 100 years. I also think the degradation of knowledge for the Grounders didn’t make a lot of sense. Those people were just like the people on the Ark - there had to have been physicists and doctors and whatnot amongst the rich and famous in that Bunker(we saw there was). All of that just disappeared? Mt Weather just discovered a 21st century bone marrow transplant when Skaikru arrived? They couldn’t have done that to the Grounders 100 years before? Let’s not forget the characters. Octavia and Clarke were the only ones who he really developed. The rest were just going in circles. Bringing kids in the way they did was not smart. Especially since Madi was just there after season 5. No real purpose at all. Expanding the world was good, but the way he did it wasn’t. ALLIE was a mistake I fear. We should’ve stuck to the Lord of The Flies sorta thing, and The Mountain Men should’ve been more than one season. It would’ve been cool if there was like a conglomerate of Mountain Men - multiple bunkers like that working together. Everyone in the main group at least should’ve became a warrior. Clarke becoming someone’s second as a peace offering could’ve been cool - Lexa would’ve been the only one she could be second too without making Skaikru look weak though. Her, Luna, or the Flamekeepers. Bellamy and Clarke’s friend dynamic was great, but watching S1 back - they should’ve been together. Lincoln really didn’t have to die. Finn was definitely not the one in the group who would’ve ended up doing what he did. Monty and Jasper should’ve been a couple. That could’ve been how Jasper got out of his depression over the girl he only knew for two weeks. Wells really didn’t have to die. We saw Bellamy fucking everyone - I feel like we should’ve seen him with some boys too. The future they built seemed like no one cared about sexuality - which to me means damn near everyone should be fluid. Heteronormativity as a societal expectation plays a much larger role than people think. I think it’s telling that the Female leads were bi, yet only two side characters were gay(3 if we count Miller’s first bf). Grounder religion and spirituality should’ve been explored way more too. I’ve got many more comments and ideas, but know that I will be a major player on the eventual Reboot. This was a really new take on an apocalypse and while it was good it could’ve been done better.

[tiredcommunisstt]

at this point i NEED a therapist

But therapy would trigger me

Also got kicked out at 18 by my parents for the following: drug use, rebelling against them,

Not taking my medication

Dropping out of highschool

Refusing to go to church with them or eat dinner with them(thanks mom for the eating disorder that was so bad that I refused to eat dinner because I was usually scared I had already eaten to many calories anyway by eating at school or work or what not and it had gotten so bad over the years that I was basically convinced eating after 6,7,8 would cause immediate weight gain… was to the point that I was body checking so often I noticed (u know, evening bloat, morning skinny) somehow I had correlated that to literally eating food throughout the day was causing me to visibly gain weight. Thank u for creating a world where I was so closed off that I wasn’t talking about this to a soul, that I was too young and inexperienced with life to know that I had a nice body just probably could have dressed better but anyways thanks mom)

I’ll never forget the day I got kicked out. it was around the end of November. actually I had been given a second chance. I had turned 18 that year, a month later, no longer enrolled in school, my graduation was supposed to be that summer,

They handed me a card at dinner in my 18th birthday and it had 50 dollars and they told me they were giving me a month. a formal eviction notice or some bullshit. no car or license(they didn’t trust me to drive I guess when I was 16 so they never helped me or pushed me in that direction and almost used it to try to hurt me BEFORE I was even 16 they always said I wouldn’t be getting my license and bla bla, it hurt and I tuned it out. Decided. Fuck them. I didn’t care anyways so yeah I didn’t have my license, didn’t have any savings(wtf I was literally freshly 18 even tho I did start working right after I was 16 because they made me buy all my own stuff) anyways I tried to kill myself like maybe less than two weeks later. They told U OF M hospital that made me stay or whatever that they thought it was for attention bla bla. diagnosed with bipolar i think that visit. saw trump win the 2016 election while I was in my stay. (doctors took my side and pretty much shamed my parents and I won’t forget that either. The only nice part of a horrible situation. I’ve never forgotten ppl who stand up for me. random strangers. ofc I had already told them why I was there and how stressed and upset and hopeless I was.

My parents gave me a second chance

said I could live there with stipulations

Or whatever

had a job, not going to school( pay rent)

That was fine

curfew 11 pm

That was fine

Taking prescribed medications

That was doable

outpatient recommended therapy

2 times rescheduled

The day my mom like went to take me the third time she made me change my coat as wE were getting in the car becaus it smelled like cigarettes

Me not wanting to change because I had severe body dysmorphia and wasn’t even comfortable going and the only thing I felt comfortable in was my big ass winter coat she got me from Costco that covered my whole body and my stomach that I thought was so bloated. i got out of the car and like kinda threw a tantrum and stormed down the road and she said

“If u don’t go to this appointment you can find a new place to live”

And I kept walking down the street

And when I walked to the front door after the adrenaline had settled she said

they were gonna change the locks and my stuff would be packed up and put in the garage

I’ve never spent the night in that house since

And also I hate them

it broke me

i hate everyone and this stupid Fucking life I have to suffer every waking moment thru.

merry fucking Christmas

[fairycosmos]

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

[petersasteria]

Anger Issues - Harry Holland

Requested? Nope. I’ve been meaning to write this for so long and decided “fuck it” whether ppl will read it or not lmao what’s important is I finally release some decent content and I like it and that’s important.

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Words: 4,307

Masterlist 

* * * *

"Please wait here and the doctor will call you when it's your turn." the assistant tells you before leaving the waiting room. You look around and see two guys there. One of them had his hands in his pockets, his hood up, and his head nodding along to the music going through his earphones. In short, he looks like your average everyday mysterious emo guy from high school. The other guy looks the total opposite. He was like the guy everyone liked, but not exactly popular. He was on his phone, chuckling from time to time. He was wearing a blue sweater and some worn out jeans.

You sit across from them and the two guys look at you. You give them a tight-lipped smile. Emo guys rolled his eyes, but the guy next to him smiles back at you. It wasn't a fake smile either. It was a genuine smile.

'Seems like a nice guy.' you thought to yourself.

The less emo guy puts his phone in his pocket and starts up a conversation, "I've never seen you around here before and we're here every week. What-"

"Can you just shut the fuck up, Thomas? Why do you have to talk all the fucking time?? You're so fucking annoying. Maybe that's why your girlfriend left you for that other guy." emo guy snaps.

You and 'Thomas' look at him. While you were shocked at his mini outburst, 'Thomas' looked like he was used to it, though. "You don't have to speak like that whenever you're annoyed at someone, Harry." Thomas tells him in a soft and comforting voice.

"Wow. Look at you being a big brother for once!" Harry says sarcastically. "And the brother of the year award goes to...Thomas Stanley Holland! Give it up for him everybody!" He claps his hands. At this point, you and Thomas are beginning to feel uncomfortable. Especially you; you've never met these people before.

Thomas looks at you with a sorry expression, "I'm sorry about Harry. Anyway, I assume you heard my name already-"

"Of course she did. She has ears, dipshit." Harry mutters under his breath before taking his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through it.

"You can call me 'Tom'." Tom smiles, ignoring Harry. "What's your name?"

"Y/N." you tell him. Tom nods before looking at Harry then at you. He gets up from his seat and immediately sits next to you. You were a bit... scared. A stranger suddenly sits next to you after his brother shouts at him in anger isn't exactly an ideal way of meeting and getting to know someone.

Tom seems to notice your change of demeanor and chuckles, "I won't do anything, don't worry. It's just nice to see someone else in this place on a Saturday morning. It's usually just me and him and sometimes Sam, our brother, tags along too. But most of the time, just me and him."

You nod and feel yourself getting comfortable with Tom. "So, why are you alone? It's hard seeing a psychiatrist alone for the first time. I mean, it's not Harry's first time here, that's for sure. But if I were in your place, coming here with someone closest to me would make me feel less scared and nervous. Even if they don't go inside the room with you, it's nice to know that there's someone in the waiting room who's waiting for you and who's there for you every step of the way." Tom rambles.

"My parents dropped me off and then they said that they'll come back for me when I text them as soon as I finish here." you tell him truthfully.

"Well, they're shitty parents." Tom crosses his arms, "No offense."

"None taken." you chuckle. "They are shitty parents, though." Tom laughs and shakes his head.

The door opens and the current patient quickly in tears. The patient practically ran, not giving you a chance to see if it were a girl or boy. You look at the direction they came from and see the psychiatrist standing there. You look at the psychiatrist in fear.

You turn to Tom and whisper, "Why the fuck was that patient crying? Is this lady batshit crazy? Does she always make them cry??"

"Of course not." Tom whispers. "All I know about that last patient is that they're always here three times a week. I know, because I've asked before."

"Harry, you can come in now." the psychiatrist smiles at him. Harry rolls his eyes and stands up, getting his backpack (which needed to be washed) from the floor.

"You'll get through this today, Harry! I'm right here." Tom smiles at him, cheering him on as if Harry were to compete at something. Harry looks at him, gives him a fake smile, and the middle finger before entering the room, the 'click' of the door being closed was heard immediately after he went in.

"Now it's just you and me." Tom says. "What do you usually do here when you're alone waiting for Harry?" you ask curiously, obviously bored out of your mind.

"I just go on my phone. Sometimes I bring my homework and do it here. But since I don't have homework at the moment, I'm as free as a bird." Tom answers. "Speaking of phone, let's exchange numbers! It'll be so much fun having a new friend!"

Thomas Stanley Holland was too bubbly for your liking. But you exchanged numbers anyway. Even social media usernames.

After two hours of chatting with Tom, you come to realize that he's genuinely a nice and friendly guy. You really had fun talking to him. Harry emerges from the room with the same mysterious emo look on his face. "Let's go, Thomas."

"Hey champ! How was it?" Tom smiles.

"Are you fucking mocking me?" Harry asks, his temper slightly rising.

Judging by the little time you've known Harry, you've come to conclusion that he's in therapy for his anger issues. You notice that the little things seem to tick him off. The dude's a fucking time bomb.

"Harry, I was just asking nicely. I didn't mean to offend you. Please don't get mad at me." Tom says in that comforting and soft voice.

An outsider would think that they're complete strangers who are fighting, because at this point, it's hard to believe that they're siblings.

"I wouldn't have gotten mad if you just followed me when I said that we should go home. I wouldn't have gotten mad if you didn't open your fucking mouth." Harry said in sort of a Draco Malfoy tone.

Tom looks at you and quietly says, "I'll text you." He stands up and follows his brother on his way out.

"Y/N, it's your turn." the psychiatrist says.

"Welp, here goes nothing." you say to yourself before going in the room and closing the door.

"Hello Y/N. I'm Dr. Joanne Moore. But you can call me Joanne, so that it's less intimidating." Joanne smiles. "Please take a seat and make yourself comfortable."

Joanne motions for you to sit on the couch while she sits across from you on the spinning office chair everyone loves. You do as she says and you let yourself relax as your gaze wanders around the room. The room was neither small nor large and the only light source was the sun shining outside; its rays coming through the window.

"I understand that you're new here. Where are you from?" Joanne asks.

"New York." you reply. Joanne hums and nods, "Why did you move here?"

"My father is English and my mother is American. My mom told my dad that maybe it'd be best to move to a new environment. She's basically sick of New York. Around the time she said that, my dad got offered a new job here with a salary higher than what he was paid back home. Then, the rest is history." you respond. You've been repeating the same response to your neighbors and to everyone you meet, so you completely memorize it like the back of your hand. You can say shit in your sleep.

"I see. Welcome to London." Joanne smiles. You mutter a small 'thank you' before leaning back on the couch.

"Would you like to tell me why you're here?" Joanne asks.

"I thought you'd never ask." you lightly chuckle.

-

"Y/N, is that you?!" you hear a familiar voice from your left side. You turn your head and see Tom with a smile on his face, "Oh my god, it is you! I didn't know we had the same school. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Um, I didn't think it was necessary?" your answer came out more like a question.

"Of course, it's necessary. We're best friends now!" Tom grins. He looks behind him and says, "Guys, come here!" A group of guys walk in your direction with Harry following behind them.

"Guys, this is Y/N the girl from therapy." Tom introduces. "Y/N, this is the gang: Harrison, Sam, Jacob, and of course you know Harry."

"Hi everyone." you smile politely.

"Hey you don't have an accent too!" Jacob smiles. "I'm from Hawaii. What about you?"

"New York." you smile proudly. You were beginning to feel homesick and talking about New York would make you feel much better.

"That's so awesome! I've been there once. It was family vacation and I had so much fun there! Maybe there was a slight chance we bumped into each other while I was there or something." Jacob tells.

"Are we going to class or are we going to stand here all day while Jacob tells his New York escapade?" a voice from the back startles everyone even though they knew who it belonged to. The five of you look at Harry and mutter apologies to which Harry replied with "whatever" and rolling his eyes before leaving the group.

"My twin has left, lady and gentlemen." Sam says to all of you.

"Wait, he's your twin?" you ask in shock.

"Yup." Sam confirms. "Hard to take in, right?"

You nod in agreement. "Let's go to class. I don't want to be late on my first day." you chuckle nervously.

"You'll be fine! We'll probably have classes with you." Harrison says, calming your nerves a bit. "Good luck if you have a class with Harry, though. He's hard to work with. He kind of wants to do his own thing, but he helps even though he's like that."

Harrison's heads up about Harry made you not want to share a class with him.

Luck wasn't on your side, however. As soon as you enter your first class, which is history, the only empty seat was next to Harry. You take a deep breath before walking to the empty seat next to him.

"Oh great." Harry mumbles. Understanding his issues, you bite back a reply and just take in everything that's happening. Everyone is talking to each other except for you and Harry despite the fact that you know each other. To be fair, you aren't close with him. You're closer with Tom, so you didn't know what Harry liked to talk about.

Just then, the teacher arrives and everyone went to their proper seats. The teacher looked like she was in her mid 30s. She looked nice.

"Before we start, we have a new student from New York." she smiles at you. "Please, introduce yourself to everyone."

Harry turns to you and sees your shocked face. Upon seeing that, he chuckles and shakes his head, "Just get it over with." Hearing Harry being normal sounded so foreign to you, but you took his advice and went on to introduce yourself.

"You don't have to stay here in front. Just stand up and tell us about yourself." the teacher says.

"Okay, um, my name is Y/N Y/L/N and I'm from New York. I just moved here, like, a week ago. So yeah...that's it I guess." you awkwardly say and you sit down.

"Welcome Y/N! I hope you enjoy your stay. My name is Mrs. Smith and I'll be your history teacher." Mrs. Smith says. "Speaking of history, let's get started."

Mrs. Smith began to discuss for the rest of the time. Five minutes before the class ends, Mrs. Smith tells everyone that they'll have a project that'll be done in pairs. You didn't know anyone in class except for Harry and Harrison's warning is at the back of your head. So to say that you didn't know what to do would be an understatement.

"I already have a list of pairs and I'll dictate it." Mrs. Smith says.

'Thank god.' you mutter under your breath.

'Fucking hell.' Harry rolls his eyes.

"Y/N you'll be paired with Harry." Mrs. Smith smiles, before continuing. You look at Harry and he looks at you unimpressed.

"I don't usually allow anyone to work with me, but since you're new and you're practically best friends with my brother, I'll give you a chance. That's as far as I can go with being nice to someone." Harry tells you. You just nod, still kind of intimidated by him. "Also," he says again, "back the fuck off when we're out together. I don't like it when people invade my space." Harry fakes a smile and puts his stuff in his bag. You just stay quiet and do the same.

When Mrs. Smith dismisses the class, Harry immediately left. Of course, you followed. You didn't want to be alone in a room with people you didn't know. You'd much rather be stuck with Tom even though he talks too much and is too bubbly. You'd also prefer if you were stuck with Harry and even though he gets angry all the time and he hardly says anything to you, at least he's someone you know.

As soon as you leave the room, Tom and the rest were there to greet you. "Hey!!!" they all greet cheerfully.

"Oh my god what the fuck did I get myself into?" you ask yourself, putting on a smile for them nonetheless.

"Congrats! You survived your first class in your new school." Jacob says. "Are you ready to go through the rest of the day?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." you respond. It wasn't even at least half of the day and you were already tired. Tom and his friends seem to have a lot of energy and seeing them really energized makes you tired.

-

Saturday comes around again and you're back at therapy. You walk in the waiting room and see Harry there. Now, it's awkward. Like last week, you sit across from Harry and begin to mind your own business. 'He did say "back the fuck off", right?' you think to yourself.

"Tom has a dentist appointment in case you're wondering." Harry's voice startles you. You look up from your phone and see him already looking at you. "It's just me today. Sam is at his part time job and I don't want to bring my youngest brother, Paddy to this depressing place. I don't want him to end up mentally messed up. He doesn't deserve that."

How the fuck are you going to respond to that?

"Oh, I see." you says, still not sure what to reply. "Thanks for telling me, I guess."

"What'll you do after this?" Harry asks curiously.

"I'll probably just walk around or go sight seeing. My parents are on a business trip and all my siblings have their own lives now, because they're older than me." you tell him truthfully. He nods and says, "I have nothing going on at my place at the moment and I want to get away."

You shrug, "Go ahead, then. No one's stopping you."

Harry just stares at you and it's beginning to freak you out, because you don't know if he's going to burst or not. Finally, after almost a minute of silence and staring at each other Harry speaks up, "Do you have money on you?"

"Excuse me?"

Harry rolls his eyes, "Do you have cash right now? I have some stashed in my backpack right now."

"Um, is that even importa-"

"Just answer the fucking question, Becky." Harry says, clearly starting to get annoyed. "Yeah, I do. Why does it matter?" you gulp.

"Good." Harry says. "We'll talk later after your session. It's my turn now." As if on cue, the door opens and the patient from last week quickly runs past you and Harry. He stands up, grabs his backpack and enters the room.

To say you were confused was an understatement. Why was he suddenly talking to you? You decided to text Tom about it.

To: Tom

Hey man hope the dentist thing is going well for u. Harry just said the weirdest shit and idk what to say or feel. Send help xo

You didn't expect a reply, so you went on Instagram and just scrolled through it until it was your turn.

-

After your session, you were surprised to see Harry waiting for you. He looks up from his phone, takes out one of his earphones and asks, "Ready to go? I'm starving." You just nod and off you two went.

Both of you end up at a sandwich shop far from the building. You both eat in silence and it's beginning to feel awkward; for you at least. Harry seemed fine.

"Let's leave London." Harry says all of a sudden, making you choke on your sandwich. "Jesus, are you okay?" he asks with no concern, whatsoever. He's more worried about both of you causing a scene.

You finally calm down and nod, "Now I'm okay. Where are we going?"

Harry shrugs, "Anywhere we set our mind to. I haven't been outside of London for years. Maybe we could go somewhere to experience a new environment or whatever."

"...London is my new environment." you explain to him.

"I know, dipshit." Harry rolls his eyes, "but you wanted to go sight seeing, don't you?"

"Yeah, around London not outside London."

"What's wrong with going outside of London?!"

"Why're you pushing for us to go outside of London?!" you rebutt.

"BECAUSE I HATE THIS PLACE!!" Harry yells causing everyone in the shop to look at both of you. You flinch at his words and you didn't know what to say. Harry angrily stands up, kicks the chair, and leaves the shop. All of the customers and employees look at you with pity.

"Poor thing." one customer said.

"Wow, worst boyfriend of the year award goes to that guy." the other said.

You gather yours and Harry's belongings and run out of the shop, hoping you're not too late to catch Harry. After looking left and right, you see him standing not too far away and you approach him.

"Hey," you say softly, "you know what? Let's go outside London." You decided that maybe Harry hasn't been getting what he wanted that's why he's always angry, so you'll give him a chance. You also started using the same tactic as Tom: speaking softly which is quite difficult and tiring, but if Tom can do it, so can you.

Harry looks at you and nods. Without saying a word, he grabs his bag from you and walks to the train station. Not wanting to get lost on your second week in London, you rush to follow him before you lose him in the crowd.

-

"So where are we?" you ask Harry.

"Dorset." Harry responds. "It's probably my favorite place. I don't know why, but it calms me down. I usually go here alone, but I don't want to be alone at the moment." You nod, you understand the feeling.

You and Harry walk around and he shows you the different spots he likes to stay and relax at and somehow, both of you end up on top of a hill. The view was remarkable. It was different from your view in New York and different from your view in your room back in London. This view gave you peace and you're starting to understand why Harry likes it there so much.

You both sit on the grass and sit in silence. Taking in the smell of the sea while your hair was following in the direction the wind is blowing. "How long do you usually stay here?" you ask Harry almost in a whisper.

"Until it gets dark." Harry responds. "Sometimes I don't go home at all. Not like anyone would care anyway. It's boring back at home to the point where it doesn't feel like home anymore. Back in London I just live in a house with three brothers, a set of parents, and a dog named Tessa. Being with them doesn't feel like home."

You nod, "Is that why you go to therapy?" You knew it wasn't your business to ask, but he's starting open up to you about the things he's feeling.

"I think you already know why I go to therapy. I had an episode at the sandwich shop." Harry laughs bitterly. "Maybe the question should be asking me is how I ended up like this."

"I wasn't always like this, you know. Believe it or not, I was like Tom." Harry admits. You didn't say anything, though. You wanted to, but you figured he needed to let it all out.

"It happened two years ago. Kevin, my best friend, and I were walking home from school. We didn't know the bullies from school followed us, but when we noticed them it was too late. For some reason, I was an easy target. So they took my money and taunted me and all that shit. I was used to it, but Kevin had enough. He punched one of the bullies and soon, they were nearly killing each other. I tried to stop them, but two of them held me back while I watched how the 'leader' of the group punched the life out of Kevin. Maybe someone saw what was happening, because the police came. The 'leader' threw one last punch and pushed Kevin before running. The two guys who held me back pushed me forward and ran away too." Harry tells you, his voice becoming shaky.

"I immediately went to check on Kevin and panicked when I didn't feel a pulse. One of the policemen called an ambulance. Then we arrived at the hospital and he," Harry takes a deep breath, tears falling freely down his cheeks, "he was dead on arrival. I guess he got pushed really hard and his head collided on the concrete with so much force. Lethal damage."

"Ever since then, I never forgave myself. I could've done something; anything. But I was just there, watching as my best friend die right in front me." Harry sniffs. "I can't help, but blame myself. He intervened to save me. If I only knew that saving me would lead to his death, I wouldn't have let him. I would've just gave the bullies what they wanted so they can leave him alone. He was the only one who understood me and he knew my secrets."

"I lived with that guilt every day ever since that happened. I could never forgive myself. My family tried to help me move on, but I couldn't. Every time they helped, I pushed them away. Then I started to get irritated with everything they did, like, why can't they leave me the fuck alone?! My parents decided it would be best for me to go to therapy seeing as I won't let them help me. Tom went with me the first time, because I was irritated with him the most. He kept bugging me. And of course, up to this day he still accompanies me." Harry says, wiping his tears.

"So," Harry chuckles lightly, "that's my story. What's yours?"

You chuckle too, "There's nothing special about it, really. My parents just think that there's something wrong with me, but that's not true. At least I think it's not true." Harry just nods for you to continue.

"I'm the youngest in my family. I have three older siblings and they're all married now. My parents are obviously so happy. In fact, they're so happy that they forget about me...all the time. Every time we have this little family lunch or dinner, my parents always ask about how my siblings are doing and shit like that. I've tried, you know? I've tried to push myself to talk to them, but whenever I do, my parents dismiss me and they tell me they're busy or they tell me to shut up, because one of my siblings are talking and it'd be rude to interrupt. I got tired and I just didn't try anymore." you tell him.

"It sucks, man. I have no one to turn to when things get tough. I have no one to be excited for me whenever I have good news. I feel so alone. I only had three friends back in New York and to be honest with you, they weren't even near the level of becoming my best friends. Sure, we hung out and stuff, but I was always their last choice to hang out with. If everyone else is busy, they call me and my stupid ass would answer immediately. Thank god we moved here. New environment is good." you sigh. "I'm really glad I met you guys, though. Tom talks too much, but he's alright. I now have one best friend; how cool is that!"

Harry laughs lightly, "Well, now you have two."

You look at him and give him a small smile, "Are you sure? I'm no Kevin, but I'll try."

"I don't need a new Kevin. Just be you." Harry says, nudging you slightly. "It's nearly getting dark. Should we head back?"

"Sure." you smile. Both of you stood up and grabbed your things before leaving. From that moment on, something told you that you wouldn't be alone anymore and it felt great to finally have someone by your side.

* * * *

Feedback please?

Tagging my mutuals: @sweetdespairbarnes @myblueleatherbag @fanficparker @tommysparker @lcvelyparkers + @justasmisunderstoodasloki (bc this person is nice to me sksks)

Want to contact me? 

[blurays]

.

if i could be sure id die then i really would kill myself lol

with my luck though i'd survive and it'd just ruin my life a bit more

im really tired no one cares about what i go through anymore im tired of feeling like i have so bad but feeling like its not bad enough for anyone to really care lol

i was like doctors are ruining my life n my mom rolls her eyes and says its only six weeks like yeah its six weeks of nothing but pain and depression and isolation so on and then it still hurts and the next thing starts

no one gets or cares how sad i am lmao i wouldnt wanna deal w sad bitter unpleasant glass bones paper skin terminally ill girl either probably so i cant blame anyone but here we are. i am living for literally no other reason than that i am Supposed To

ppl claim they care but everyone has their own problems. and lies when they say they understand or empathize w mine. and the couple people who do care abt me my mentally ill brain wont let me process it and i feel vaguely bad for them and they live like several thousand miles away. and theres always the distant thought that theyll probably hate me eventually too

everything feels rlly insurmountable lmao every time i have a little bit of hope things just get worse. and again no one even cares like. sorry that my slow death and near constamt physical misery that makes me wanna fully give up seems to really inconvenience everyone else

also really fucking mad abt the fact that if anyone should be in the experimental no sling is better than keeping u immobilized for 6 weeks category it should be me someone who doesnt do sports shit and is incredibly young for a replacement but doctors suck lmao im going to try at my next appointment but i rly might just be like u can put me into physical therapy rn or dont but im not ruining my own quality of life so that u can be lazy and prescribe everyone the same type of recovery 

[anxietysroomsupport]

So hopefully I should be seeing a therapist soon but there are a few things im dreading. Like I know you're supposed to find the person who's right for you and all that but I dont have time. I'm extremely desperate and losing hope and I just dont want to go through switching ppl a million times. Also I want to get evaluated for anxiety and maybe depression idk and I wanna do it fast but ppl tell me that the therapist will know and tell me if they think I need it. I dont want that. -🐺 [1/?]

I just want everything to be done fast so I can start trying to fix everything. Also how many times is too often to see someone per month? My friend goes once a week which is great. If be down to do that, but im scared my mom wont want me to. She doesnt know they extremes of whats going on with me so she wont see it as necessary. She doesnt know im suicidal and that I hate myself so she wont feel the need for me to go every week. I just don’t know what to do. -🐺 [2/3]

Also I have to wait for her to actually book the appointment which could take a while. She also is skeptical about therapy. I get very ticked off all the time because of a lot of different things and she snapped at me once saying how “therapy wont fix that. You have to” I hate confiding in her for that reason. Shes judgy and cynical and downplays everything I feel by saying “well when I was in school” and blah blah blah. I’m in a terrible place and I dont need all that. -🐺 [3/3]

Hi 🐺 Anon,

If you are desperate and afraid you might hurt yourself before you can talk to someone in person, please check out the emergency services at this link.   

When you sit down for your first session, or possibly even before, you can make it clear that you would like to be evaluated for anxiety and depression as soon as possible.  If they don’t want to help arrange that service, or can’t for some reason, ask them to make a note in your files that it was denied, and why.  This is a strategy for working with doctors, but could also work with therapists, that makes them really consider if they want to be the reason you didn’t get what you asked for.

It sounds like you’re worried about having to switch therapists multiple times?  Please write back and correct me if I’m wrong.  Since the appointment hasn’t been made yet, try to make sure to get booked with a Licensed therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist.  Lots of counseling places offer sessions with therapists who are still training, and while that can be helpful, they are limited in what they can do.  A licensed therapist will have completed their schooling and be better able to help with any problems you’re having.  If you end up needing medicine for anything, you’ll likely need a psychologist or psychiatrist.

I wouldn’t worry too much about potential switching because you haven’t met your first therapist yet.  Even 1 or 2 sessions with someone can be really useful, and you usually don’t need to switch unless you and the therapist have significant disagreements about how to proceed.  Once you meet them, you can work out a schedule together that works for everyone.

It is common for therapists and psychiatrists offices to be in contact with each other, and form a loose team to help patients that need both services.  Therapists focus more on communication and coping strategies, while psychiatrists have extensively researched mental illnesses and can prescribe medicine.

It makes a lot of sense that you want to address this quickly, because it’s causing you a lot of stress.  While it will be really difficult, I encourage you to tell your mom more about what’s going on, since she’s the one who will be making the appointment.  She’ll have a hard time guessing what you need if you haven’t talked to her about it in detail.

One thing you can start doing right away is to clearly let her know that her statements aren’t helping.  Question her statements or outright refute them.  

“therapy won’t fix that”?  Has she been?  How does she know?  

“you have to”?  Well, maybe you can and maybe you can’t, but one thing we know for sure is that arguing about it isn’t going to spontaneously give you the ability to deal with things.

“well, when I was in school”?  That’s not helpful here.  You are not your mom.  Your school isn’t her school, and the problems you’re dealing with are not the problems she dealt with at your age.  She might think she’s helping byy sharing examples from her life, but she needs to come to terms with the fact that you are separate people living two different lives.

It’s clear she’s relying heavily on her own experiences to try to get you to solve things the same way she did.  It’s understandable, but she’s not adapting to your reality.  She needs to see the severity of the situation before she’ll take it seriously.  Maybe she’s still hoping you’ll be fine if she just gives you enough examples of dealing with things her way.  Maybe she thinks that if you’re struggling, it’s her fault, and she’s just trying to prove it’s not her fault, but she doesn’t realize that mental illness can hit anyone, anywhere.  It’s possible that if you can frame it as something separate from her, she’ll be able to accept that it’s real and be more motivated to get you the help you need.

Try to get more adults on your side.  For instance, if your teachers or other relatives can vouch for the usefulness of therapy, or that it could benefit you personally, she might be more inclined to make the call.  Maybe they can even set up an appointment for you.

Don’t let up.  If she’s the only one who can make the appointment, you’ve got to convince her.  You might have to risk more frustration with her not believing you about it, but convincing her is your #1 priority.  It’s The Thing standing between you and therapy.  I guarantee your mom wants you to live, and so do I.  If she really knew how terrible you felt, she would do everything in her power to help.  Good luck.

-Miss Fay

[bigskydreaming]

So it took interest rates that were like WE OWN UR SOUL NOW U FOOL HAHA TWILL BE OURS FOREVER, but joke’s on them lol like I never use that thing anyway. But I got the personal loan for $10K in the end after like a month of searching but who knew that obsessively raising my credit score for a year by like....occasionally chilling all night in an IHOP rather than use a credit card too much on a room would like....pay off with a credit score that actually is useful to me in a way that means I don’t even care right now that hahaha credit scores are just pointless imaginary numbers that really only exist because capitalism’s a dick?

Look I’m allowed to be a hypocrite for three weeks let me have this, I promise I’ll go back to ranting about people selling their souls for the sake of strings of binary code on a computer screen, like just cuz I wasn’t using mine doesn’t mean other ppl don’t want theirs.

Because oh yeah so I was like gimme the loan plz and they were like ugh fine and I somehow got my credit card companies to raise my limits because I’ve had them for over a year now and I honestly couldn’t even tell you how I convinced them to do that like did I haggle did I beg did I put out, who knows, it’s been a very long and strange and sleep deprived month and that’s on top of a long, strange, sleep-deprives two years. Point is between raising my limits on those two, the loan of DOOM and getting a CareCredit card with the remaining credit left to me or before the latter realized I’d just massively dinged my credit cuz the raised limits and loan hadn’t been reported yet, I came up with the $12400. Like again most of that is in the form of imaginary money that I’ll probably spend years paying out of future paychecks so if anyone wants to go ahead and put The Revolution on the books for like, say October, that would actually really work for me. I’d even be all pumped and full of rest and vigor and extra fightey and like, you know how fightey I usually am to begin with I’m just saying....

So now I am literally just waiting for my loan check to clear in my bank account cuz my doctor doesn’t accept checks. Second it does, probably Monday, I’ll go down to my doctors office, pay the $6200 upfront and finish the insurance paperwork for them to submit the claim for the insurance company’s part of it, and they can officially schedule my surgery, possibly in as little as three weeks??!!

Which is absolutely surreal to me, like after literal years of treading water and setbacks and everything dragging out endlessly and he’ll even just yesterday, it’s utterly bizarre finishing my stuff at my bank and doctor’s this morning and hearing how matter of fact they all are about how quickly things could happen now and like. Finally be over. Or like, start lol in the sense of holy shit I could actually maybe have an actual life again.

They can’t confirm a date until my first payment is processed, only then does she officially put me on the books at Cedar Sinai when they can get me into an open OR, but it hopefully could be the 20th. She’s already got another surgery scheduled for that day and an OR booked for it with potential slots before and after it but I can’t count on the 20th as a given just yet. Could still be one, two or even three weeks after that before they actually fit me in, so I’m trying not to set my thoughts and hopes too much on that three weeks from now appointment but that’s easier said than done. LOL.

But whenever it’s actually set for, I go in the day of, pay the second half of the payment, and the surgery takes a few hours but they send me home the same day. My high school friend from San Diego hopefully is going to be able to take enough time off to look out for me while I recover, we’ve been tentatively planning for that for most of a year but couldn’t guarantee anything with her work until we had actual dates which I mean we still don’t technically have. But my jaw will be wired shut for ten days so there’s no way I can manage on my own, esp the way I’ve been getting by day-to-day, and I’ll be on a liquid diet and having to drink everything through a special straw and stuff and completely unable to talk the whole time and oh yeah also apparently in agonizing pain that I’ve been extensively warned could put anything I’ve experienced thus far to shame, so I’m really REALLY looking forward to that part lol. Currently pondering the viability of just knocking myself unconscious every day. We’ll see how it goes.

But after that I go back in ten days later and they unwire my jaw, check that everything looks okay and I’m healing the way I’m supposed to, and I have two weeks of physical therapy and....that’s it. It’s over. I’m just. I’m just leaving that right there for now because I honestly don’t even know what to do with that thought after all this time, it’s. Like I can’t quite wrap my head around it and even really picture how that works. Idk my brain just fizzes out and it’s like wait, are you sure, that doesn’t sound right.

But like I made them go over it multiple times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything or understanding it wrong or whatever, like my doctor was this combination of kinda amused but also exasperated when I finally stopped asking to go over it all again. LOL look I just really really really needed to be sure there wasn’t something else involved that like I was supposed to already know or have been told by someone else, I don’t know okay? Anyone who’s been following me the last couple years knows that this isn’t how this sort of things go, they’re supposed to get my hopes up and then tell me they have no clue what’s wrong or send me off to someone else or tell me oh yeah you also need another thirty thousand and an MRI and some headgear that’s like made of platinum, but we just thought you already knew that. LOL.

But. I mean. Yeah. That’s it. I checked. A lot. Theoretically though unless there’s some new bizarre development in which case I will most likely detach my spirit from my body and evolve into my ultimate great rage power Digimon form, AreYouFreakingKiddingMeMon, and go like, fight god or the physical embodiment of the universe or whatever like I keep threatening....like, that really is what’s left. And then it’s all over. My jaw should by all accounts be restored to its full functionality from before all this. No more pain, no more eternal headache, no vertigo, blind-outs, no problems eating any particular food or swallowing or 45 degree slope to my lower jaw, none of the shit that’s been my day to day existence for well. Years. LOL.

Yeah. Really don’t know what to do with that yet. I just. Can’t. Haha.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, I literally couldn’t have made it to this point without the support of people here, both emotionally and financially. I hate to ask it because you’ve helped so much already, but I’m definitely going to have to ask for your help a little longer, there’s just no way around it. I am completely wiped and tbh overwhelmed so I’m probably going to try and sleep the rest of the day - I was pretty much up all night, unable to sleep while I waited to hear back on all this.

Then when my head’s fully processing things again and not friztzing our because I’ve forgotten how to process good news, lol, I’ll probably be putting together a post asking for your help paying my insurance premiums one last time, and on Monday or once I get the official set in stone date for my surgery I’ll be doing another, basically begging you guys to help keep me afloat the hopefully no more than three weeks til then.

I really really hate having to do that when I know you all have helped and given so much already, and it’ll literally be nothing more than my basic expenses of motel room and food, I don’t need anything beyond that, but I truly don’t see anyway around it. I exhausted every possible avenue available for me to try with my credit in order to get this loan and raise my limits enough, and I milked every cent I could out of those. There’s just no more money to be pulled out of any of that, it took everything I had to get what I needed for the surgery. And I’m afraid of the very real possibility that if I don’t ask for this help because of pride or because of how much I’ve asked for already, I’ll end up using one of my credit cards to pay for my room and such and end up stuck without enough money at hand to cover the second half payment on my day of surgery and I truly literally can not afford that. I have no idea what will happen with my insurance if I have to reschedule, how long it would take to reschedule, etc.

And the other side of this is there’s really not a whole lot left I can do for work at the moment. I’ve finished off all my existing projects except for one last cover and they already paid for it in advance. I honestly don’t know that I could take on new jobs if it ends up with my surgery on the 20th in just three weeks. Searching for more jobs and clients has become more and more time consuming these past months as is, and the simple truth is I couldn’t in good conscience or in honesty guarantee any new clients that I could finish their job in that time frame. Not with my present state physically and mentally and the uncertainty of my day to day expenses and stress about potential complications hanging over my head and not, truthfully, mixing all that well with my pre-existing mental health conditions lol. And yeah, if I can’t guarantee getting any new projects done in three weeks, I can’t afford to take them on for any potential client’s sake, not to mention the sake of my professional reputation, which I will really need to be, y’know, intact, in order to rebuild my life basically from the ground up, once my previous physicality and quality of life comes back after my surgery and recovery (knock on wood). With at least two or three weeks of recovery after the surgery even assuming it goes well and has no other complications, that’s way too much time to leave clients hanging and not be available to address any needs, concerns, revisions, etc. Especially if they’re not returning clients but brand new ones.

So yeah, as much as I would love to not have to ask for any more help than I already have and have been given, I sincerely just don’t see any alternatives that don’t jeopardize or risk wasting all the help I’ve already been given. You know I am fully aware of just how much that is and what its cost some of you, and I already could never repay you for this, not even in terms of just the money itself, but the fact that I know some of you have given at your own very real expense, sending me money that you really could have used yourself, that wasn’t any kind of surplus. I am already beyond grateful and humbled and overwhelmed how many of you have stepped forward to help me in ways that even though I’m older than many of you, I honestly have no precedent for, in ways and to an extent I’ve never received help or support from family. So I just needed to say that again, because I have not asked for any of this lightly, and I don’t now either. Really, really thank you. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic or hyperbolic or silly for a change, when I say you guys most likely saved my life. Its simple fact. Hell, I was genuinely hours away from sleeping outside freezing my ass off in December, that first time I posted asking for help and you guys came through for me. So, yeah. I will never ever forget this, and never ever be able to give back as much as I’ve been given these past few months, though I will always do my best to pay it forward.

I’m going to go ahead and leave my paypal link here anyway, though I’ll be making those two additional posts tomorrow and next week, as I said. Aiming to keep them shorter than this, well, shorter than any of my posts, really, as shorter posts really just get more traction and I’ll need that. I can always link to the longer explanations of my situation for those wanting to know more.

Again, thank you all more than I can figure out how to put into words. I’m finally. Fuck. LOL. Sorry, I’m being very umm, sentimental over here but like its your fault I’m overwhelmed lol, like omg you guys, you can’t just throw love and affection and support at a guy with so much childhood traaaaaaaaauma, his brain doesn’t know how to handle it, look, you broke him. Are you happy? You broke his brain machine.

Okay cool, we’re back to inanity and obnoxious humor as an overcompensating self-defense mechanism, whew, everything’s normal, everyone can relax. LOL. Anyway, I’m gonna shut up now and go try and get some rest. Just know that I’m doing so feeling way more....hopeful? Optimistic? Faith-in-humanity-and-goodwill-and-community-ey? Than I have in years.

....the fact that I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now is called probably tells you all you need to know about me, huh? LMFAO God I’m so messed up lol. But whatever. Still alive and kicking. So. Y’know. There’s always that.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[ruinmylifc]

[ muse #1 ] ●● is that cillian murphy? no, that’s just dante armstrong, the 45 year old cismale who is a 𝐅𝐁𝐈 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐓. some say they’re self-destructive & unpredictable, but their family and friends will swear they’re efficient & candid. when i think of them, i think of at least sleepless nights, bullet proof vests, movie nights with the family, confidential case files, last minute therapy sessions, hidden gun holsters, sunday night roasts, clean shaves. i wonder if his family knows that 𝐇���� 𝐒𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐑. ●●

yeah, i did another thing and this one is gonna stick bc well... if you look under the cut i have given you all of dante and myself so i apologise for the length but it just flew out of me. i haven’t even put any wanted connections bc that would make it 10x longer. just love me and i will love you all the same.

trigger warnings: medical terminology, chronic illness, hospitals, vomiting mention.

i’m proud to present dante sean armstrong, eldest son of eris dorothy (nee may) and basil wayne armstrong. his sister was born two years later and then came his younger brother another three years after. 

his childhood wasn’t exactly rainbows and glorious days of splendor, but it wasn’t horrendous either. their family lived on a property in the countryside and owned some animals. farm work and chores were to be done every day as well as keeping up with their school work.

both of his parents were strict and enforced a lot of rules and there were to be no questions asked. they hounded into the three of them the importance of working hard and providing for the family and that’s stuck with dante. he wasn’t allowed to get away with the things some of the kids these days do ( eyes at all you rebel lil shits ) and dare he disrespect his parents, he’d be punished for it. 

UPDATED NOV 24: with that being said, his parents didn’t show their love physically but they showed it in a lot of other ways. long holidays to the beach, constantly spending time together on the lake, picnics, going to sporting events when they could, traveling sometimes, card game nights. spending quality time together was their way of showing love. to this day, that is still how they show their children their love. 

dante is incredibly intelligent ( unlike myself so i’m sorry pls bare with me ) and that could be seen from day dot. he was hitting milestones before the average child was and his parents saw potential in him. they pushed him harder than his siblings, with school work and work on the property. basil originally wanted dante to take over the property but once he hit high school, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to keep this boy there. 

he graduated high school top of his class with a full scholarship to boston uni for law, so he packed his bags and he was off. he only saw his family at major holidays whilst he was at college as he put his head down, bum up and studied hard with a job on the side. 

with that being said he played as hard as he worked and knows how to have fun, so he says anyway. when the armstrong wife comes along we will plot when they met and we will go from there but aside from that! he was a bit of a player, enjoying the attention and action if you catch my drift. 

UPDATED NOV 24: cue graduating college, moving to ashcroft in his early twenties and he went to work in the force for two-ish years until he was qualified, fit enough and had the experience to apply for the fbi as a special agent. blood, sweat and tears went into this passion of his and lord behold, he got in. it’s fair to say that dante should be married to his job, bc he honestly loves it so much and worked so hard to get in. it’s a bit sad. that’s where he’s been since his mid twenties. cue actual marriage and along came their first child.

UPDATED NOV 24: the main goal in his life when children started coming into the picture was to go out everyday and protect his family, no matter the cost. if he worked a 80 hour week to solve a case or to lock up criminals, then so be it. that was more people who cold potentially hurt his family behind bars.

dante is a family man as much as he can be, but he finds it hard to separate work and home as they both mean so much to him. so yes, he is a workaholic and the things he has seen through the years as brought him night terrors but he loves his family to death. anyone touches them and he will go wild.

ADDED NOV 24: dante is one of those parents that has always said it how it is, not wanting to lie (to a certain extent) to them or shielding them from the dangers of the real world. he is a softy especially in times when his family are upset, things are happening, appts needed, etc, but he shows a lot of tough love. before he joined the fbi and the kids were little, he was as soft as one could be but with the trials of his line of work, he had to learn to be tough. that unfortunately comes home with him, like his work.

ADDED NOV 24: if there is a problem, dante wants ppl to tell him about it straight away and not cut out minor details. he needs to know everything and as soon as possible so he can help, can work it out whether that be work, social life, family, etc. he is v unpredictable with his response too so one day if someone doesn’t come to him abt something for a long time, he could be rather tame and just move on with it. on another day, he could go off his rocker. you can’t really pick it esp when he comes across as being cold. (he’s not!! he is really warm with those he trusts and loves i SWEAR)

dante not long had become a supervisory special agent when mateo’s case came up. dante found himself being emotionally drawn to mateo and the situation at hand, having always struggled with not letting things get personal. so he offered him protection, took him in and opened up his home for him. of course, keeping him around is detrimental to the case and there’s no way he will be letting him go any time soon, but dante cannot help but feel protective over him. he is putting his family at risk by bringing him in but he doesn’t regret it and is more determined to resolve the case. 

UPDATED NOV 24: emilio is now caught and dante is suspended for using his weapon. now begins the process of gather evidence, trials, etc. 

personality. 

he is completely unpredictable ; you may think he’ll react to a situation one way but will completely go the opposite. he says things that would be unexpected from him and he keeps shit real. he won’t sit there and talk abt the world being a wonderful place bc he will laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off to fairyland. he’s seen too much shit and done too much shit to know that life is not a movie.

he can come across as cold but he just doesn’t like to talk if he has nothing to say and he has a resting bitch face, sorry. 

UPDATED NOV 24: it can take a lot to anger dante but when he gets angry, oh you know about it. he’ll yell and throw things and throw a tantrum if it’s really bad but most of the time, he tries to keep quite calm. if it involves his family getting hurt, he’ll get violent, period. no one touches his family. 

THIS: as much as he keeps a guard up due to his job and is a somewhat strict parent and whatnot, he is a sweetheart. he’ll make his kids breakfast in bed on the weekends and would come in and kiss their heads when he’d come home from work and he’d be the one setting up easter egg hunts and is MUCH more affection than his own parents. his family’s happiness brings him happiness and they’re really the only people that see him smile often. also, he won’t go to work without telling them all he loves them. always. even if they’re sick of it.

UPDATED NOV 24: also, he beats himself up and is normally the one that tears himself down to shit. once he has his mind set in a bad way, he’ll tear himself to pieces and he really is his own worst enemy. and it’s bad. like, he beats himself up about everything and even won’t sleep at night over little things like having a fight with the kids, or not filling in paperwork right, or not speaking to his wife one night bc he is just too Stressed. v much is not okay

ADDED NOV 24: bc of this he tends to push ppl away, very badly too. he doesn’t think abt himself often and just wants to make those he loves happy, but he just??? can’t sometimes??? and i think that can be so frustrating

bonus point ; he is a very passionate lover!

secret.

in terms of his secret!! when he was in his final year of college, dante was mucking around with a group of friends throwing a football and tackling one another in between lectures. he had run backward off of the grass onto the path to catch the football and one of the guys ran and tackled him, knocking him to the ground with a very nasty blow to the head.

knocked out cold, dante was taken to the hospital were he had a severe concussion but there was no bleeding in or around the brain. 

after this he became violently ill ; he knew that concussion caused disorientation but this was weeks, even a couple months after the incident and he was still having trouble. he suffered from severe headaches, vomiting, eyesight troubles and even his personality changed. 

dante knew he wasn’t okay so he went to a couple doctors, had a bunch of neurological tests, ct and mri scans and he was then diagnosed with non-communicating acquired hydrocephalus. basically, the blow to his head caused one of the ventricles in his brain to block which restricted the flow of csf ( cerebrospinal fluid ).

with that, a shunt was surgically inserted in his brain to drain the excess fluid to other parts of his body and he has lived his life with this as his own personal secret. he hasn’t told his wife or children and his siblings and parents are the only ones who know ( bc they were by his side ofc ). 

UPDATED NOV 24: he’s had regular check ups every so many years and as of lately, the shunt has started to play up and he’s suffering from headaches for a while now. will he do anything abt it? probs not. there has been too much going on for him to even think about himself.