#which. yeah. that may not always be the ideal way to deal with trauma. especially with ppl as self destructive as the league

[lgbtlunaverse]

This could be them too but while with dabihawks the funniest part is that it could apply to both of them at the same time because they both just SUCK (affectionate) but in such different ways, with jinkei it is unambiguously Hawks. "Oh I could help you turn your life around" baby you are a trafficked child soldier projecting your mommy issues onto your colleague who got outed as a child abuser you can't fix ANYONE.

"I can fix him" says man who is worse

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 15/?

Word Count: 3k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name.

Thinking about making parts longer so that I can at least finish a semester of Jason knowing Y/N before I do fic 2 of this continuity. Give it a better name, probably. I dunno

Warnings: Eludes to sex, Takes about Injuries, Mentions of Trauma, Refusal to acknowledge pain, Swearing, No beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

She could find herself lost in the way Jason walked for hours. He thought she was asleep when he threw on his slightly ripped boxers so he could walk to his desk. She didn’t know what it was that drew her in, maybe it was just the way that even after he had been stabbed that he could act like he owned the room.

She thought he was really, really, attractive. Like, really.  She couldn't think of times where she wouldn’t get lost in how he looked. His personality made it a lot better, too. She really liked how he chose to carry his personality, how he chose to carry himself. 

He turned to his bed after plugging in his laptop, it would take a while to charge, when he noticed she was staring.

“Your eyes will dry out looking at something so hot, Y/N. I’d be careful,” he joked, letting a large smile slip by.

“I’ll need heat-resistant goggled to keep this relationship going, damn.”

“Bruce can buy you some.”

“I think after his freak-out bout our situation, he wouldn’t be keen on that one, darling.”

He smiled at her, “What makes you say that? He clearly likes you.”

“That doesn't mean he wants to spend that much money on me.”

“I would spend that much money on you,” he grabbed the water bottle sitting at his desk and twisted the cap off.

“You have spent that much money on me.”

“Pretty girl, gets money, gets the pretty man,” he said before seeming to chug the entire bottle.

“You would probably find a way to drown while drinking water, honestly.”

“Ha, ha, baby. Funny.”

“You don’t have to tell me I’m funny for me to know I’m funny, Jay,” she joked, “Are you coming back to bed?”

“No, I’m not.”

“What the fuck, man.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I have work to do for Wayne Enterprises,” he said.

“I just want to cuddle,” she jokingly wined at him.

“You’re a temptress, but I really have to do this.”

“Doesn’t your laptop take time to charge?” she asked.

“Yes it does, why?”

“Come here then.”

He sighed and looked at his laptop before smiling and coming over to his bed, “You’re lucky it’s charging slowly today, baby.”

He climbed into the bed beside her, she thought he forgot that she was naked but he didn’t.  He knew she was naked, he just didn’t want anything from her, he didn’t want a ‘fun night’ with his girlfriend, he just wanted the cuddling on a Thursday morning.

She had a headache, a massive one, and Jason noticed her wincing a lot and holding her head, he had seen these signs before, in Time Drake, his baby brother, who had a severe caffeine addiction.

“You alright?” he asked, nuzzling his nose into her shoulder.

“Headache,” she answered and winced again.

“Caffeine or medication?” he asked, trying to make certain that is was caffeine and not anything else.

“Caffeine.”

“I can always make you some coffee, Y/N.”

“If you're willing to leave this bed, could you?” she asked.

“I could, I could. I don’t want to leave this moment, but I guess” he said, sarcastically.

“I’ll owe you indefinitely,” she said as he got up and walked over to his dresser, scavenging for a pair of pants so he didn’t walk downstairs and possibly expose himself to his siblings.

“Do you want anything else while I’m down there?” he asked while putting on his pants, “I can always make you breakfast,” he said. 

“No, no, the coffee is more than enough, I swear.”

“You just want to spend more time with me, you simp.”

“That is true, that is so true.”

“I’ll be back in bed before you know it,” he walked over to her and kissed her forehead, taking in the bedhead and the way her eyes drowsed when she was tired, “Don’t pass out on me.”

“I can’t make promises I may not keep.”

“Then just keep me positive.”

She laughed and he walked out of the room. You could feel the way he was giddy about her as he walked out, from the way his grin wouldn’t fall to the way he bothered to get dressed, even if it was just pants.

No one thought they’d see the day that Jason Todd, the Jason Todd, would walk out of a room with a girl in it with pants on.

“Master Todd,” Alfred said as Jason walked into the kitchen, “One of these days, I ask of you, you and Miss Y/N should eat breakfast with the rest of us. And, it’s nearly 10:00, sir. You should be up sooner.”

“I can always count on you to parent me, Alfred,” Jason joked, “One of these days she and I will come down for breakfast, I swear,” he turned on the coffee machine.

“You don’t drink coffee, Master Todd.”

“No, I don’t. But she does.”

“My god, you’re whipped!” Tim exclaimed at his big brother.

“You’ll understand one day when someone you like this much is in your bed, Tim.”

“You didn’t even call me on my shit, who are you and what did you do with my brother?” Tim joked.

“I sold him to the devil in exchange for his rocking body and a beautiful girlfriend, moron.”

“How is your stab wound, Master Todd?” Alfred asked.

“Painful,” he said before looking in his foresight for Alfred’s reaction, when Alfred frowned, it broke Jason’s heart, he loved Alfred, “It’s gotten better, I swear. But it’s not ideal, either.”

“Master Richard says he should have watched you closer.”

“I don’t think he could have stopped it.”

“I could have tried,” Dick chimed in.

“Have you been listening in?” Tim asked when he turned to Dick.

“Are you that surprised? But Jase, you could have died, I could have done better, I could have stopped it if I just-”

“How many times do I have to say it isn’t your fault, Dickie?” Jason cut him off.

“I just promised to always protect you, and I failed my job.”

“You’re starting to sound like Dad, Dick,” Jason joked, trying to liven up the mood and stop his brother from crying. He needed to just distract them all from it, he didn’t want to deal with it, to talk about it all.

“Jase,” Dick paused.

“Dick, c’mon. I’m not dead. No one died. We’re all okay.”

“Jay, he has a point, no one is ready to lose you again, man,” Tim jumped in.

“To say the least,” Alfred finished.

“I love you guys, I do,” he said as he poured Y/N’s coffee, “And I get you’re scared that I’m going to die again,” he paused and sighed, “I don’t really know what to say, really.”

“You said really twice,” Tim joked.

“Listen here you little, literally, shit,” Jason retorted, holding his hand above Tim’s head like he was comparing heights, “I’ve enjoyed this, really. I can’t give up family bonding for anything, but you guys understand-”

“Are you ditching us for the pretty woman?” Dick asked.

“You would do the same, Dick.”

“Because I’m serious about Barbara.”

“And?” he joked as he walked off and back to his room.

Opening his door, he saw her, half-awake, laying in his bed. She had gotten up at some point to put on one of his shirts, it was cute. He liked the fact that she was wearing his shirt. He stared for a bit.

“Whatcha doing, Romeo?” she joked.

“Is that my shirt?” he asked as he walked towards his nightstand and put down the coffee before looking at her.

“Yeah, it is. If you mind, frankly, I don’t care.”

“Ha, ha. I don’t mind,” he said as he crawled back into bed with her while she sat up to drink the coffee, “Hope that makes it a little nicer to be here.”

“It’s already nice to be here.”

“I’m sure the headache made it suck a little, though.”

“Well yes but no.”

“Yes but no is my personal motto.”

“Is it now?”

“Well, ‘Should you do this, Jason? Dad will be mad.’ followed by yes but no is literally everything I do, ever.”

“Is this how telling your dad that we’re dating went?” she joked.

“Oh yeah, he just hates you,” he said with heavy sarcasm.

“If your partner’s parents don’t hate you then are you even their partner?” she retorted.

He laughed and buried his face into her chest. She laughed between sips of her coffee and she stroked his hair. She thought he liked it when she did this, and he did, she was right. He could feel each of her fingers running through his hair, massaging his head. If love languages are a thing, she could speak his fluently.

She was scared, scared that the attacks against her were related, scared that her friends weren’t going to get out of jail, scared that her escapade of drinking had brought her back to alcoholism, there was a taste she could never get off her tongue, the cravings she couldn’t quench. And it scared her. She hadn’t been this far down in a while, mentally. 

It never seemed like the moment that she could bring that up to Jason, her fears. She wanted to open up about it but she just couldn’t.

Jason wanted to bring up the nightmares to her, but it was never the moment, He wanted to open up to her about it but he too, just couldn’t.

When she finished her coffee, it was unfortunately the time that Jason had to work, she audibly groaned and sighed when he left her side. He laughed and kissed her before he left the bed, and she, jokingly, tried to pull him back onto the bed.

Mundane life, day-to-day life was stuff like this, partners leaving because they had jobs, school, volunteering, extra-curricular activities, anything. It was the sad reality that they both would have to accept, especially if Y/N was going to reenroll in her dance lessons, which she had been thinking about. She hadn’t been deciding anything, she was scared.

Was it the distance that scared her? Probably. Was it the fact that she could fall from grace? Yes. She didn’t want to fall, she wanted to climb and climb harder and progress. She was a high-achiever. She had already fell, too. She fell hard.

She remembered waking up in a hospital in grade 10, after a night of partying, on the verge of death from alcohol poisoning. She was sent to rehab but relapsed hard. She had already fell, she had fallen so hard but tried to rebuild herself so hard as well. No one, but her parents, knew about the hospital visit, she had hidden it.

He was working away, typing on his laptop when she noticed that he was wincing.

“Baby?” she asked.

“Yes?” he said, through pain.

“Are you alright?”

“Just a little bit of pain, don’t worry.”

She got up and draped her arms behind him on the chair, “Doesn’t seem like a little bit, Jay.”

He grabbed her arm and rested his hand there while the other worked still, “Really, it’s nothing.”

“Do you have pain medication?” she whispered in his ear, trying to prove that she wasn’t going to let it go.

“I do, in the cabinet in the bathroom, why? Are you in pain?”

“If I asked you to take some so I don’t have to see you wince, will you?” she said while she walked towards the bathroom and dug through his cabinet.

“Baby, c’mon, please,”

“Shhhh,” she said as she found the pain meds and walked back, “Take some?”

“C’mon now,” he said.

“No, don’t humor me, say yes or no,” she said.

He grabbed the pill bottle and read the dosage instructions as she  crawled behind him in the chair and rested her head on his back. He laughed slightly when she did and she could feel him laugh. The way his muscles contorted as he laughed. It was something she loved. He took the recommended dosage when she glanced at his stitches. They looked to be healing, but she wasn’t a doctor, she didn’t know if they were.

She placed her hand on top of his stitches, hoping she could just trace the outline of the scar, but she was watching his face, hoping that he wouldn’t wince if she tried. He smiled though,  something about her even trying to comfort him brought him joy.

He didn’t feel worthy of her worry, her love, her kindness, but he enjoyed every minute of it because he still didn’t know if the pressure of it all, his life, if it would break her. He didn’t want it all to come crashing down, ever. He wanted this to last at least long enough that he could consider saying ‘I love you’  to her.

Every other girl would have run at the moment he was stabbed though, maybe because they had sense, maybe because she didn’t think through it all. He didn’t think she was ‘Not like other girls’ just because he knew that mindset is fucking trash, thank to his sisters just rambling about it at family game night after Tim said it, on accident. Boy, that kid got his ass handed to him by the girls.

He was sure that Y/N probably thought the same about it, in spite of the pick-me songs she’d end up playing when she was bored. They were just good songs, he was sure she didn’t really think that bringing other women, even men, down was a good thing. if she did, who knows how his sisters and brothers would feel about her when they found out.

But there he sat, and Y/N hadn't run. She had embraced the tragedy with open arms and expected it to slow down. His life was face-paced, a tale of a boy running too far and into the sky, and she sat through it with him. He would tap and type on his laptop, trying to not move and disturb her as she relaxed. 

Doing work was not exactly the activity a new couple would want to do when neither of them had anything else to do, but it needed to be done or Bruce would hand Jason his ass in an argument about work ethic. Jason had work ethic, and Bruce had let him rest but when Jason was showing signs of recovery, he started telling Jason to ease back into work. So, Jason wrote essays defending projects Bruce wanted to do to the board. 

Bruce didn’t need Jason to defend him, but if Jason could get the words out, normally no board members would fight Bruce on the decision anymore. And Bruce paid Jason handsomely for these essays, because Bruce did not like the fighting and arguing he’d get from the board.

But the Batman-Patented Stare would follow if someone continued to hate Bruce’s plans. It was a watered-down version of it, but it was still probably the most intimidating thing that his kids and teammates have ever experienced.

Jason hope that the relationship between him and Y/N would continued even if Bruce gave her the Batman Stare. She seemed like the type of girl who would end up laughing in Bruce’s face if he did it to her.

She was probably going to receive it after that fight Jason and him had about protection, because she was also partly to blame about that.

The hours ticked by as Jason wrote to defend his dad from the board, and before he and Y/N knew it, it was dinner time at the Wayne Manor, and Y/N was invited. Great, Jason thought, I guess we’re going to find out how she’s going to deal with the stare.

“Just a fair warning, baby, my dad’s probably going to attempt to lecture you if you join us for dinner,” Jason said as he got dressed.

“He can try his best, I’ll give him that,” she laughed as she threw on the same clothes she had from the day before.

“You need to start bringing an over-night bag here, damn,” he joked.

“Remind me next time I come over and I’ll at least bring a second change of clothes in my schoolbag.”

------------------------

They all sat down for dinner, and Bruce started his parenting attempt, “Jason, Y/N,” he said and both of them stared at him, “You both know what you did was irresponsible-”

“Everything I do is irresponsible, Bruce, no offense,” Y/N joked.

“Look, I’m not going to have you two having sex-”

“They’re having sex?!” Damien and Tim exclaimed with fake disgust, YN laughed.

“Could any of you take this seriously?”

“Sorry, sorry, playboy billionaire, I’ll pretend you’re my dad for a second,” YN joked.

“You’re going to be a pain in my ass, huh?”

“Yeah, probably. Sorry about that, genuinely, but its not my fault your son picked me.”

“I just need you two to be safe if  you’re going to continue to have sex in my house,” Bruce said, exasperated.

“We’ll just have sex at my house then,” Y/N joked again.

Bruce gave her The Stare at this moment, and she got startled a little bit. Everyone paused because she literally jumped a bit at The Stare.

“Dad, I think you genuinely scared her a bit,” Dick said.

“Did I jump? Oh my god,” she laughed, “I’m sorry,” she laughed harder, “I wasn’t expecting it!”

“Dad, c’mon, she’s a guest,” Jason said.

“No, no don’t worry about me, seriously. He can discipline me all he wants, honestly. If he’s nice about it, I’ll listen, even if I throw 69 jokes his way.”

“Nice,” Tim retorted.

“Really, a sex joke? Right after I tried to parent you?” Bruce questioned, “You really are the perfect match for Jason, my god.”

“You didn’t already realize that from the flipping off the press and her head-butting incident?” Stephanie added in, mocking Bruce.

“I, in no way, feel remorse or shame about either of those events.”

“You flipped off the press?” Cass asked.

“I did, I did. They can’t stop me, no one can.”

“I can,” Jason joked.

“You can keep thinking that.”

Everyone laughed. Whether or not Bruce wanted to admit it, he liked Y/N and hoped that Jason and her were going to last a while.

[susandsnell]

There's something kinda scary seeing so many white feminists buy, hook line and sinker, into Midsommar being this empowering #girlboss movie about cathartically getting rid of your abuser... while forgetting how the cult she's joining are OPENLY RACIST AND WHITE SUPREMACISTS

Yeah?? Like the thing is Midsommar is top-tier horror because it fails to be just one thing and thrives on its own moral ambiguities. 

On one level, it is a narrative of sublimating your grief (an especially gendered expectation for women who are already seen as hysterical and overemotional) for the sake social acceptance versus the need to have the ugliest parts of yourself not only acknowledged, but empathized with. On another, it’s about the catharsis of a breakup. You want Dani to get away from her lousy relationship. And you want her to have the support and family she needs so badly but has lost. You want her to be heard and listened to, even if all that come out of her are those horrid, tortured screams that can only come from that deepest part of grief. You want to see her comforted, both physically and emotionally. And you want a bit of vengeance for her with what a supreme jerk Christian is. It’s also a wildly funny (and validating!) condemnation of academia and the types you encounter there, and the alternate entitlement and heavy relativism of grad students. On this level, the allegory is an extreme one for toxic situations.

But on another level, it’s also about what happens when the wrong people get a wind of your vulnerability and meet your needs in order to gain power over you. Dani is obviously scouted and chosen from the very first by Pelle and the cult because she has all the qualities they prize - emotional/psychological fragility wrapped up in a package of pale skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. Her whiteness and Aryan-ness, compared to especially the people of colour who form the tour group, afford her the best treatment by the cult. And even then, what they do to her is nothing short of gaslighting and literal torture! For all that they praise her as their queen, she has no agency! On top of which, Christian’s fate is disproportionate considering his crimes are just...being a dick. As for the other members of the group, they’re specifically dealt with by the Harga in intensely racialized ways far worse than what befalls any of the white members. Even the pretty aesthetics hearken to the seductive propaganda of Nazis/Neo-Nazis; the idealized pastoral scene, the blondes in pretty floral gowns, the romanticized Nordic Pagan traditions. 

Ari Aster is an Ashkenazi Jewish man. He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing when he chose to set his film in Northern Europe in an Aryan-ideal cult. His Jewishness is all over the film, not just in the overal anxiety, but specifically in the deep trauma and terror associated with a wide variety of European societies in which we have been forcibly Othered, the idealization of said societies, and the horrors our people have endured across that continent, time and again, since the very beginning. When talking about the film, he spoke about his chief inspiration being the ease with which vulnerable people are drawn into white supremacist groups. 

The Harga might carry the aesthetics of femininity, but this is precisely part of the deal - cults will always draw someone in with innocuous and appealing imagery, particularly in fulfilling that which they feel they’re lacking. In Dani’s case, the loss of a sister in particular, and the suffocating patriarchal control of her boyfriend made her the perfect victim who’d go running into the arms of sweet, understanding, beautiful women. The fact remains however that their arms were open to her because she looked and thought like her. If she looked like Connie, or if Connie had just been through the same traumatic losses, neither would have been picked to be May Queen. 

Dani did not need the Harga, she needed serious therapy and good, supportive friends (like her female friend she called on the phone towards the beginning). She could’ve left Christian without having to become the plaything of white supremacists. Her smile isn’t a triumph - Florence Pugh herself says she’s so psychologically broken that she has no clue what she’s even looking at when the temple goes up in flames. Feminism? I think not. 

[mc-critical]

Do you think MC hurrem, before the bayezid and selim conflict of course, ever considered that the traditional fratricide could possibly happen amongst her sons? Mustafa hypothetically killing her sons if he became sultan is constantly used as a reason for why she had to get rid of him but how could multiple princes having the same mother resolve any potential conflict for the throne? Sorry idk if what i said makes sense

Don't worry at all, I understood you perfectly! ^^

No, I don't think MC Hürrem considered that possibility as strongly before the inevitable occured.

First off, her adaption to the harem was a slow and gradual process and she certainly didn't become aware of all the rules, all the sudden. (as when she was surprised that Mustafa was getting his own harem before the sanjack) She knew enough to set a goal in her mind from the first episode, but didn't get to see the full picture until she went through fulfilling that goal step by step and saw an obstacle that would be impossible to ignore. She was so focused on the path to survive, she brushed off the cost of said path in the first place.

It's true that in the beginning, there wasn't a reason for her to consider possible ongoing rivalry or fratricide between her sons. Nigar told her that she would rule the world if she gives the Sultan a child and when she becomes aware of the competition in the harem, what would make her prevail over them all, guided by her desire to make SS only hers and maintain power, for she would stop undergoing the same trauma and disrespect all over again? More children! We could argue that, throughout season 1, she views having more children as a privilege - not only does it secure more her position as a favorite, but it makes her gain advantage and power over her rival in this game. Notice how she boasts about the possibility alone in front of Mahidevran in both E06 and E11! ("It will be a boy. Then it will be a boy again. Then it will be a boy again and again..."; "I will give birth to many princes, but you won't even give birth to a girl.") These lines could be an attempt of assertion and a mask of vulnerability and insecurity, in a way, but this is far from the only thing going on. Not just the children, but the princes specifically are capilatized on, because bearing one is considered an honor in this harem and for every pregnancy, Hürrem expresses an almost firm confidence that it will be, without a doubt, a prince. The whole system in the show, sadly enough, encourages that whoever has more sons is more powerful and will get everyone else out of their way eventually, without shining a light on the more grim implications and what the mothers will possibly have to go through with their many sons, to the point it simply leaves them to find this out by themselves. It puts the princes in idealized superiority that is one of the first things Hürrem gets used to and that's why she was initially taken aback when Mihrimah was born instead of another prince she wanted so much. By that point, she had no time to consider eventual conflicts or fratricide because of her (initial) upper hand.

The higher stakes were kept under wraps in the series itself, too, because of its Cerebus Syndrome nature that lets you endear with the characters at first in lighter, more mainly interpersonal situations and then move to the wider scale of the historical themes, having them grow as people and political players and realize the bigger context along with the evolution of the narrative. That is coupled with the children's ages, for the small age, to me, was presented as a symbol of innocence. There's this prevailing trend in Hürrem's character during season 2 where she kept saying that Mustafa is too little for doing certain stuff (like going to a campaign, to a province, etc.) and that, I think, is telling enough of the amount of awareness she had for an eventual conflict between her sons. That was a general theme of the show, too, because both Mahidevran and Hürrem held no ill will against the other's children when they were small, as seen by them taking care of them during the janissary rebellion and Mahidevran saving Mehmet in E16. The children themselves weren't a priority of eradication for them back then and when they were little, they were something worth protecting as a mother's value, not tools to be moulded for the future battle for the throne. When their mothers find a common ground in this aspect, would a conflict between children of one and the same mother be possible? Only when they grow up, awareness comes to the surface, bacause by the time they're still small, they're harmless and innocent. (handicapped by SS's words to Mustafa in E46: "As you grow up, the innocence between us disappears, my Mustafa.") Even Hürrem set herself against Mustafa only by E38 and she didn't want his death until then. Knowing this, could she predict that something could go wrong between her own sons, no less? Doesn't she have other stuff to do until she reaches that point? Isn't she too busy in forging her own survival path and not think as much about her children before they grow up?

Then again, Hürrem has shown to be capable of anything to always remain in SS's good graces both because she is devoted to him and for her own goals. The princes play a part in this, because they have to gain the padişah's support first and foremost and that simply cannot be done through quarrels. Hürrem may have grown wise to this, with the many cases of her ordering the children to go away once a conflict of any kind ensues and especially, always telling them throughout season 3 not to fight with each other, not even because of her, and stressing that family is the most important thing. She may have wanted their childhoods to be as peaceful as possible, rendering them (except Mihrimah) oblivious to what she's gone through, which gave them a sense of naivety in the process. And while that naivety turned out to be a double-edged sword (as we saw with Mehmet fully believing Illyas and Cihangir believing in SS's promise that he won't sacrifice Mustafa), it could've been a way for Hürrem to make sure that her children in general would always seek a consensus and look good in front of the sultan. That didn't end up being the case. Despite of these possible measures of hers, I doubt she got fully aware of the possibility, precisely because of her set goals. Even though the dismissal of Selim and Bayezid's conflict became a main arc of Hürrem's in S04, there were also hints of this in S02, shown by E53: "Such a sun will rise that that sun will only rise for me and my children." Her fixation on Mustafa as the single pivotal moment of her life fight is a huge character flaw of hers almost right from the moment she began to see him as a threat and even from her first attempt, as we see by the quote above, she thinks that by eliminating him, it would be all over, assuringly discarding everything else afterwards. And Selim and Bayezid were already arguing by that episode and it only escalated further since then, because of her ignorance as a part of the whole issue.

It's even questionable whether she has ever thought that, maybe there is more work to be done after Mustafa, because Hürrem's fixation became more predominant as the series progressed, in conjunction with the evergrowing Selim and Bayezid conflict. It was already so prevalent by S04 that Hürrem went as far as to blame Mustafa for the first big scandal between them in E112 and Mihrimah had to remind her of their rivalry-slowly-turning-to-enmity's very existence in the first half of the season that is there in spite of who Hürrem thinks is the bigger problem. She didn't give it the significant attention it deserved when they were little and I, for one, believe that she had to investigate more when Selim set Bayezid's arrow up for failure around E91/92 and not scold only Bayezid, for it only heightened his resentment for Selim. She didn't think of it as something that big to deal with, it was probably a problem they would fix by themselves for good measure, because they're still children after all, aren't they? But a resentment of a child could only continue to live on, especially in such a time period, so if Hürrem, knowing how paranoid she could be and how much she tried to evade everything that could oppose her success, predicted the future mass of the conflict, wouldn't she do something more, wouldn't she nullify it? It's a given that she can't be next to them in every single minute of the day, but the possible outcome itself just screams for tiiiny bit more involvement on her part. The earlier you interfere, the earlier would stop the obstacle in its entirety. Hürrem is smart enough to know this, so the logical thing is that she didn't fully take all that into account. She couldn't, and possibly didn't, want to predict this as a mother.

The very realization of the actual massive power of Selim and Bayezid's enmity and her newfound inability to interfere almost at all to it came as such a surprise for her. She not only completely miscalculated, but it broke her heart into pieces. She didn't see coming any conflict of the like, because if she did, even before the whole fiasco happened, early into S01-2, she would never let it reach such extremes. And the realization hit her in such an unexpected way that she wanted to escape the shock that she had to choose and try to solve things as she has always had, doing things that should've been done such a long time ago. Would she be so helpless when she finally came to terms with the following fratricide, if she saw it coming before the conflict even started?

In summary: Hürrem didn't think of something like this at all early on and when it happened, she did see the roots, but could never, not even in her dreams, imagine the devastating results.

Though yeah, could a conflict between sons of the same mother fully be resolved in circumstances like these? I very much doubt it. Even if the mother removed the tension between them, there are other factors we shouldn't forget (I refer to SS's reign in particular): they are sons of the same mother, but they're still candidates for the throne, hence they're rivals and both the people and the padişah will have to pick a favourite. No matter how impartial a sultan seems to be, he does end up picking sides eventually - whether it's about the province one is sent in, when they're sent in it, how often does he visit them, what in them does he approve or disprove of or how competent they are in his eyes. It's inevitable for them to live in absolute peace in an environment that would sooner or later cause them to fight until one's absolute and total failure.

[idkwhoiamanymorebutwtf]

How Mervana shows Louie’s response to trauma.

I made a super short post basically saying “Hey I like how Mervana highlights Louie’s trauma and it’s effects on him” and people seemed interested in hearing more about it so here’s that post.

Now, it’s no secret (generally) that Louie really hates adventures. That’s obvious throughout the show, up to the most recent season. He never seems to want to go on adventures, always objecting to them or not going or changing his mind and wanting to go back half way through. The show never fails to remind us that he hates them. What’s more, the show never fails to remind us exactly why Louie hates adventures. In Glomtales he was actually happy to be missing the adventure at first, commenting “Well, at least I can skip out on another insanely dangerous adventure”. Something that only changed when he realized they were going somewhere not only safe but actually fun, something very rare. In The Golden Armory Of Cornelius Coot he rocks back and forth trying to convince himself of why the adventure was worth it, clearly extremely distressed. “Do not laugh in the face of my danger” he shouted when Dewey starting giggling. Later in that episode he basically sobbed out “I wanna go home”. In Challenge Of The Senior Woodchuck he says “I’m cold and terrified, this sure seems like an adventure to me.”

Most of the family isn’t actually affected by the constant stress and danger they’re put in. Huey, Dewey, Webby, Della, and Scrooge all find it incredibly exciting, Donald used to once upon a time and he stopped adventuring after it stopped being that. Nobody else has really gone through what Louie has. He isn’t built for adventuring. He’s been kidnapped, physically and mentally hurt, almost killed. Constantly. According to an article I read, “Trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or threatening and that can have lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and physical, social, emotional well-being.” and well, that absolutely fits the bill here. Below i’m going to put some symptoms of trauma that are in line with what we’ve seen from Louie throughout the show

Anger, irritability, mood swings

Anxiety and fear

Guilt, shame, self-blame

Withdrawing from others

Feeling sad or hopeless

Feeling disconnected or numb

Fatigue

Being startled easily

Edginess and agitation

Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

Detachment from other people and emotions

Emotional numbing

Suspicion

Throughout the show there are many instances of Louie’s trauma being very obvious to anybody paying attention. However I think the episode Mervana actually showcased the effects outside of just Louie being visibly distressed over actively being in danger. Other episodes have shown his symptoms, obviously. His anxiety and fear are always on during at adventure and when they aren’t he’s shockingly, almost unusually numb to the situation. He’s almost always very fatigued (although the line between what’s fatigue and what’s just ‘laziness’ is a bit blurred), and he’s almost always a bit too hostile towards others. But Mervana showed a really direct ‘cause and effect’ type relationship with the things they’ve been through and his behavior throughout that episode.

Starting off the episode, we can see Louie seems very detached. He’s texting throughout Huey and Scrooge���s monologues. As I said earlier, when it comes to adventuring he’s always either in fight or flight mode or he’s completely detached, maybe offering occasional dull but volatile remarks here and there. Eventually Louie makes a comment about how “Now there’s two people putting us in constant danger” before sitting like this for the next minute or so

The other’s are mid conversation but he just kinda sits there blankly for a while before turning to make another remark. “Yeah, I definitely can’t wait to find a bunch of lost undersea monsters who definitely won’t have a dark secret that almost gets us killed”. And it’s important to recognize that Louie isn’t just being a pessimist here. He may not be in panic mode at the moment because he tends to emotionally detach himself until it’s time for his fight or flight responses to kick in (likely a way to cope with the constant anxiety that seems to follow him) but he’s still got a very good point because they are put in constant danger and this episode really, truly, is no different. Webby even asks “Why do you always have to assume the worst?” to which Louie pulls out his running list of the times they’ve been offered as a sacrifice. He’s almost died countless times. He’s watched his brother’s and sister almost die countless times. No, not countless, he’s counting. He’s literally keeping count of the number of traumatic experiences he’s gone through, which is at least one hundred and twenty. And that’s just the amount of sacrifices, which is to say nothing about kidnappings or non sacrifice related straight up murder attempts. 

Let me just say, though, that his suspicious nature, while completely natural due to his past traumatic experiences, and while somewhat grounded in reality because they did end up in danger during this episode, wasn’t completely accurate. Most of the Mervanan’s were genuinely good people but Louie immediately assumed they were going to hurt him and his family. He was on edge. He was immediately suspicious, even before he met them, even before he was given reason to be suspicious. The only person who read into things as deeply as he did was Beakley, who’s a secret agent. She will have been trained to be suspicious and pick up on small signs that something isn’t right, but Louie wasn’t. Louie was just on edge and suspicious of everything because those are big signs of trauma. He was right that something wrong was going on, but it wasn’t observational skills on his part as shown by the fact that he was sure they’d be put in danger before they ever met the Mervanan’s. 

A few times this episode we see the flip from Louie being on edge and suspicious to him actually genuinely being put in danger. And you can see clear as day that he gets no satisfaction out of it. Everyone else is usually proud or energized. Excited to fight, smug when they win or get away. It’s not the same for Louie.

And you can see there’s a difference even between Beakley’s suspicions based on genuine observation and valid doubt when compared to Louie’s which are based in the fact that he’s a traumatized individual who’s had his brain rewired in a way that makes him suspicious to an unhealthy degree. “You have no idea weather or not they’re going to feed us to their monster king?” Beakley asked The Harp. She was suspicious because she knows how the world works and realized something was wrong (because something was wrong) but she was rational about it. They didn’t have solid evidence, she didn’t know for sure. But Louie immediately replied by saying “they definitely are” which isn’t a rational thought process when he really, truly had no evidence to believe so other than his deepseeded instinct to trust nobody.

And when Beakley admitted that she didn’t trust the Mervanan’s either there was very little smugness in the way he handled it. Louie didn’t insist as hard as he did that something was wrong and that you can’t trust anybody just to prove a point to Webby. Immediately he interrupted Beakley and Webby’s situation by jumping in with “We need to get the harp down to the Mervanan’s or we’re all going to die!” Louie was truly in panic mode throughout this episode. He wasn’t just being a pessimist trying to crush Webby’s bright optimistic hope, he was trying to protect his family. When he first set off to find the harp he said “I’m going to find the harp before we all get sacrificed”. Then when he was debating weather or not to tell Webby the truth he pointed out that “If she doesn’t (find out the truth) she’ll be fish food!”. Then when he’s trying to move the harp down to the other’s his biggest concern is “Gotta save family”. It’s not just pessimism, it’s fear and suspicion, which are very different things. 

Later on we see that Louie’s ideals don’t fully match up with his behavior either. “The king turned himself into a monster, but you’re not him.  You built a society based on truth, and the truth is you don’t need Mervana to be good.” before turning to Webby and telling her “Somebody once told me that you have to look for the best in people and not assume the worst” and honestly, I don’t feel like this is abnormal thinking for him. Believe it or not, Louie is the kind of person to believe in other’s positive traits. He does very often see the good in people and obviously on a level of principal alone he doesn’t think all people are bad.  

However principals and logic are often overcome by the brain’s natural response to trauma. And those natural responses often aren’t as idealistic as “anyone can be good and you shouldn’t assume the worst in people”. Fear and anger and anxiety. Seeing danger everywhere. Always being on guard. They’re not something you can control. No matter how much you believe people can be good that instinctive urge to trust nobody spurred on by trauma is often much stronger. Especially when you’re not getting any professional help and have someone to protect. Even if Louie wanted to believe in people (and I think he does), his survival instincts are stronger than that. Even if he didn’t care about his own safety, he has a family who are too dumb to care about their own so he has to do that for them.

Overall a LOT of Louie’s storyline during Mervana was obviously highlighting his response to the trauma he’s had to deal with over the course of the show. And sadly I don’t think he’ll stop having these reactions anytime soon because it takes more than just knowing people can be good to deal with changes to your brain’s chemical makeup.

[hamliet]

About the villains having a point and Hori struggling to deal with it, I notice that a lot of media struggle with this issue as well. The villains often correctly point out/represent the flaws of the society that the hero serves to protect but rather than grapple with this, the author will usually just double down and make the villain deliberately more cruel (over-the-top cruel with no built up) so any point they may have had is 'canceled out' by their crimes. I hope Hori doesn't take that path.

Yeah, it’s not exactly unique to MHA. It’s a lack of nuance that kind of kills it, because there is plenty of space to explore the intersection of intentions and ideals with methods and experience. But in all fairness, not all stories are aiming for that sort of exploration, and that’s not bad either. For example, Marvel movies, Star Wars, BNHA don’t do gray morality very much. The heroes will win (well, here I think they’ll stalemate) in the end. And that’s okay. 

Yet is that inherently going to fix the problem? Especially if you’re intending for the problems to emotionally resonate with us and affect the heroes as well as the villains (Shouto and Touya). Which is why I do like BNHA’s main message of “save” being the definition of a hero, as opposed to “win.” 

That said--and this is just my opinion so I am 100% fine with people disagreeing with me, and keep in mind that the story is not finished and I really hope Horikoshi surprises me, so take this with a shaker of salt--Horikoshi seems to have written the villains’ point is a little too well for what it seems like BNHA is aiming for? Meaning, even despite their evil murderous ways, their underlying philosophy and accusations against hero society are largely, in fact, true. So it’s hard to define where you’re supposed to fall despite the “but really they’re the good guys” framing around the heroes: with something that feels fake, or something that is honest but aims to just make things worse? The villains frankly have a better philosophy on what hero society should be, but obviously undermine this with methods like murder and destruction. (This isn’t helped by the fact that for over the past hundred chapters, closer to 120 actually which is almost half the manga, the villains or negative heroes (Endeavor, Hawks) are the ones with main internal conflict--which is usually reserved for protagonists.) 

Sooooo... the unrelenting positive framing of heroes contrasted with the legitimacy and rawness of the villains’ trauma creates a dilemma that only valiant empathy from the kids can solve, if they then use that empathy to make hero society better. I believe this is where the story will go; I’m truly not worried about that. I don’t see any signs of Horikoshi making the villains over the top evil (well, AFO maybe, but f*ck him) or of the kids repeating the adults’ mistakes. I just do have my anxieties about how satisfying this empathetic breakthrough/hero society revisions will be written, anxieties stemming from the almost unwavering positive framing of heroes. For me, I’ve always said that for BNHA I’m mostly interested in Touya’s and Shigaraki’s redemptions, so as long as they survive (and I think they should/will) so even if it does in the end brush a lot of the concerns under the rug, I’ll be more or less okay with it. I just would rather it be satisfactorily addressed. 

Also, I don’t want to get toooo into this, but stories don’t occur in vacuums, either. I personally would not compare the reflection of real-world struggles against authority to BNHA’s story, but I can see why some see it in there. I understand that some might be really offended by the upholding/redemption of hero society; for me it isn’t that deep, but the key words there are “for me.” Unique experiences and tastes shape what we like in fiction and what upsets us in fiction, and competing needs are a thing, yada yada yada. So that’s also something to keep in mind. 

[johannas-motivational-insults]

I’ve seen a lot of people saying things along the lines of ”portal!Catra just wants to be with Adora and doesn’t resent her so obviously Catra is uwu soft baby who just wants to be loved and doesn’t actually want power” and implying that all Catra needs to find happiness and fulfillment is to give up the power-hungry charade and go be with her girlfriend. As an abuse survivor myself, I find this troubling on a number of levels, and I have a few things to say to this:

1) Portal!Catra is not real Catra.

Portal!Catra is something straight out of a really ooc high school au. She is very different from real Catra, and the contrast is meant to be shocking (much like the asshole au version of Buffy in BtVS 3x09 “The Wish”). It’s a reflection of how people are shaped by their circumstances, it’s not a character study of Catra’s actual wants and needs.

The Catra we saw in the portal, before she remembered her real history, was not dealing with the fallout of a lifetime of abuse. She did not know to be afraid of Shadow Weaver. In fact, she rolled her eyes and groaned when Shadow Weaver scolded her and Adora for goofing off and said she had high hopes for both of them. Real Catra would have killed to hear Shadow Weaver say she had high hopes for her, and here she was acting like it was an annoying lecture she heard all the time. The Catra of this “perfect world” has not spent her whole life being tortured and degraded and humiliated and told that she would never amount to anything.

So yeah, it makes sense that this version of Catra is happy for her friend who got promoted, in contrast to real Catra’s reaction. In this reality it’s good for the whole squad, and they all got the chance to prove themselves in Thaymor. In this reality it’s not a reminder that no matter what she does, she’ll never be as good as Adora, always be seen as useless and never get a chance to prove her worth. This Catra knows maybe she could become a Force Captain one day too. And if she didn’t, maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world; she hasn’t been told time and time again how incapable she is, so she doesn’t have her canon self’s all-encompassing urge to prove people wrong about her.

In the portal reality, Catra wasn’t blamed for Adora’s failings or treated like a nuisance - a sidekick at best, a liability at worst. She wasn’t pushed down so Adora could be lifted up, they were lifted up together. Of course this Catra doesn’t resent Adora the same way she does in canon or have the same obsession with proving herself.

2) “Just being with Adora” is what caused this problem in the first place.

Catra spent her childhood finding solace in Adora while battling a growing resentment towards her. We’ve all seen “Promise,” this fact is right there in canon. Just being with Adora was Catra’s strategy to try to stay happy throughout her childhood, but it wasn’t working.

Adora was the only good thing in Catra’s life, but this relationship brought her pain as well, and not just from Shadow Weaver. She felt like Adora didn’t respect her, didn’t believe in her. And it’s hard to blame her when you see some of Adora’s cocky posturing, like the “sure you did” and “riiiiight” comments. Adora’s just teasing and playfully asserting dominance (perhaps even trying to flirt a little), but to Catra it doesn’t feel playful, it feels malicious and disrespectful. The one person who makes her feel like she’s worth anything at all so casually dismissing her abilities is devastating.

Sacrificing her need for respect and validation to go be with Adora is not going to fix Catra’s problems. It is not progress, for Catra or Catradora. It’s regression into the unhealthy dynamic that caused much of the conflict between them in the first place.

3) There is no reclaiming this “ideal Catra.”

This may seem like a callous thing to say, but it doesn’t matter what Catra could have been under better circumstances. We are all shaped by our experiences, and no amount of love or therapy will undo what we have already gone through and how it shaped our psychology. All we can do is learn how best to live with who we are now. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, as someone with an acquired disability and a boatload of trauma. There is no ideal version of yourself to get back to, only future versions of yourself to work towards.

This is as true for Catra as it is for anyone irl. It’s not fair to say that Catra “at her core” just wants to be safe and loved and with Adora and therefore all her other needs borne of her abuse and neglect are meaningless. That’s extremely negligent, actually. That attitude minimizes Catra’s trauma, implies that she just needs to learn to get over it and then she won’t have these “impurities” in her personality anymore.

Catra has been abused, and she will always be hypersensitive to indicators of abuse. She’ll get triggered and riled up by seemingly innocuous things when it feels like someone is trying to dominate or subjugate her, take away her agency. She is always going to need to feel a certain sense of power and control just to feel safe and comfortable. In certain situations and around certain people she may feel safe enough to let that guard down and just relax and trust, but that’s a privilege, not a right. On that note...

4) Catra does not need to chase this ideal for anyone’s comfort.

Yes, Catra needs to change. She needs to stop pushing away everyone who loves her, she needs to curb her self-destructive impulses. She needs to take steps toward not just redemption, but healing. This will only be possible once people finally start to acknowledge her trauma, but that’s a whole other story.

However, Catra does not need to change the ways her abuse has shaped her. That’s impossible, and an unfair expectation. Healing from trauma is not the same as erasing it, and this is a very common misconception in the real world as well as in fandom. It’s also an extremely harmful misconception.

Now, this idea in particular is a popular theme in discussions of Catradora’s relationship dynamics, the implication being that Catra will only be happy/healed if she can get to the point where she not only can, but wants to yield control to Adora and that if she can’t/won’t then she doesn’t really trust her and their relationship is broken. The yikes level of this argument, especially in NSFW contexts (which is where you will often see it), is off the charts. It is not fair to expect an abuse survivor to put herself in uncomfortable and potentially triggering situations just to prove she trusts her partner or to demonstrate personal growth. Period.

Now, that’s not to say expressions of trust on Catra’s part wouldn’t be good for the relationship. Adora wants to take care of Catra as much as Catra wants to take care of her, and feeling like Catra trusts her (in those contexts or in others) would certainly stroke Adora’s ego. The problem lies in it being an expectation or us treating it like a milestone, something to celebrate. If Adora is a good partner she will work with Catra as she is and let her express trust in ways she feels comfortable with, rather than pressuring her to do things she’s not comfortable with to prove her feelings for Adora or illustrate her progress.

In short, erasing her history and ignoring her abuse is harmful.

Like I said, portal!Catra is not real Catra, and we can’t treat her like she is. It makes zero sense to ignore or villainize her perfectly legitimate need to feel powerful and in control over her own life just because someone who lived a totally different life didn’t have that same need to the same degree.

And I know I will get comments that canon Catra doesn’t really want power either, but I disagree. Catra doesn’t really want to rule the world, it’s true, but she wants to prove that she can. We’ve seen her enjoy being in a leadership position because she’s good at it and it reminds her of her own competence and worth. Just because she found no satisfaction in losing her soul to take over the world does not mean she finds no genuine fulfillment in being in a position of influence.

Even regardless of how much she enjoys it, Catra is still drawn to power because she has grown to associate it with positive outcomes like safety, agency, and self-actualization. Yes, power may not be Catra’s ultimate goal, but that doesn’t make it meaningless to her. And I really wish people would stop acting like a perfectly normal response to abuse is a character flaw that needs to be fixed.

It seems a lot of people are quick to forget Catradora’s real history as depicted in “Promise” because they like the “Remember” version of their relationship better. Because they like this version of Catra better. It’s understandable - who doesn’t want to see Catra happy, right? But like Adora so devastatingly told Catra (and all of us), it’s not real.

We need to stop pretending it’s real.

[malhare-archive]

Oh yeah pal, the wolf monologue basically made the film for me. Like before I was just like "This is an interesting weird movie I guess" but after that I was like "Oh god. Oh fuck." Like personally I'm more of a scorpion person, I've been obsessed with them since a young age and also playing HIKEBACK, a psychological horror / sci-fi short visual novel about abuse and change (or the ability to), did something to me that no other story will ever be able to do, and that game used Aesop's scorpion and the frog as character themes (it can even be seen in the designs now that I think about it) and metaphors. And also I'm like weirdly obsessed with that pop culture retelling of the fable, where the scorpion doesn't sting the frog and says that it can't choose its nature but it can control its actions or something like that? I also have a love/hate relationship with the original fable because on one hand I'm like "REAL SHIT 👀👀👀???" and on the other I am like "When I die I will take a book of these fables with me and I will hit Aesop really hard with it every afternoon for the rest of eternity because this fable is wrong and goes against all my convictions and ideals and it is imperative to my wellbeing that Aesop is aware of that."

But anyway wolves are cool too, it's just that, I don't know, I just hate relating to wolves because if I say it, people will surely think that I'm one of those weird guys who are like "Oh I'm a total wolf I'm a Super Mega Alpha Male haha lol". Or they'll think that I'm saying that they're like cool and badass and majestic and I'm too. But what I am in fact saying is "I was born with; or perhaps was made to grow; metaphorical claws and teeth so sharp they bite when they should kiss and cut when they should pet. My love is caustic and smells of burning plastic, it bites and takes and tears your throat out until there's nothing left of you to give to me, to nurture my empty body with. My hair raises at the tiniest sound and my heart is always racing to run or fight. I'm a wild animal, a pack animal, but I'm rabid." you know?

Anyway the wolf songs. Well the most obvious ones are:

I Know I'm A Wolf by Young Heretics

Little Red Riding Hood by Amanda Seyfried

Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio (or this cover)

Then there's WOLF by Siamés, which is from the POV of the wolf and uses it as a metaphor for addiction

Then The Wolf Song by OMNIA, which actually may be rather literal because OMNIA is a bit out there

Then Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms uses the wolf metaphor once but it isn't the focus

Songs that are focused on their metaphor but use a slightly different animal are:

Lion by Hollywood Undead

and Dog Teeth by Nicole Dollanganger (actually I'm mildly sure this one is supposed to be about sexual assault but I can't really be sure sure about it and personally I don't treat it as that kind of song but as a general thing. Mostly because I can relate to "You're cold on the inside, there's a dog in your heart, and it tells you to tear everything apart." and actually a lot of the lyrics in general.)

Some other miscellaneous songs are:

Wounded Wolf by Giles Corey, which is named that but never actually mentions a wolf???

Bitten by Patrick Wolf (lol), which yeah talks about being bitten and stuff but isn't really focused on that. Honestly I just like the song.

Silt by Half Waif, which uses a few lyrics of a lion metaphor but otherwise talks more generally about loving with venom

Tongues and Teeth by The Crane Wives, which is also pretty vague in terms of metaphors but it fits the general concept.

I'm actually somewhat sure I knew more very specific wolf songs, but I can't find them at all right now?? Idk might get back to you with more if I ever remember the titles lol.

YOOOOO, sorry this took me a while to get around to I just [inhale] have a lot of thoughts and wanted to be able to give a thoughtful response! Thank you so much for the reccs, I LOVE getting music reccs and I LOVE wolf metaphors/imagery so I put all these songs on a playlist to listen to at work!

I've already heard a few of these - Funnily enough, "Wolf Like Me" is my favorite TV on the Radio song! I also love "I Know Im a Wolf" and "Dog Teeth"!! Im excited to listen to the rest <3

I really like the Scorpion and the Frog fable too! That "nature vs self determination" debate is really close to my own heart.

I also definitely feel you on relating to wolves in that way, especially the bit about “having claws and teeth” that accidentally hurt others. My connection to wolves isn't some macho lone-wolf deal, it's about trauma, overcoming your own nature and life obstacles, and inner strength though I'm now starting to get more into my relationship with my patron deity, Fenrir.

[pilferingapples]

LM 1.1.4

Well this chapter escalated quickly.  Family gossip!  A little snark about grudging charity! Musings on the nature of sin and forgiveness! Abuse of the legal system by the prosecutor to destroy a family! PUBLIC EXECUTION. 

-the bit with the Countess is obviously mostly silly, but--I'm not sure how to say this? -- but ...like,we're told, repeatedly, by the narration and the Bishop , that their family Lost Everything and was in exile and had no one after the Revolution.  But here's this Countess, whose children have such great expectations and such a Promising Future in a very Inherited Position kind of way, not even one generation out from the Revolution.  I don't know if Hugo meant it (for once) , but to me it speaks to just how deeply  entrenched the old power structures were/are.   There was a disruption in the lines of power, but it clearly wasn't a permanent severing...

-I'm curious about the visiting priest and his speech! He may not have moved Geborand (...who I can only assume is a dig at someone Hugo knew , because aren't they always) to especially impressive heights of charity, but it's apparent that his sad little "pennyworth of paradise" is more than Myriel had been able to convince him to give. Is it maybe because Myriel , being Hugo's Ideal Priest , doesn't deal in Threat sermons and that's the only thing that gets Geborand's attention--not hope, or compassion for others,  but a threat to his own wellbeing?

-I love the "fall onto the knees" speech/section for a lot of reasons ( despite the Bahorel who lives in my head rent free definitely adding unintentional lols to that line) .  It introduces so many running through-lines? 

- Gad, the slow horror of the Counterfeiter case.  Sentencing the counterfeiter means leaving the mother and child without support --he was already committing crime to take care of them, so things must be desperate! -- and it means destroying what seems to have been a sincere love on both their sides.  It's very likely the mother and child won't live, or won't both live--and if she can't keep the child alive on her own , it's just as likely this prosecutor or another will be getting to accuse her of infanticide for her failure to survive the justice system.  It's such a direct study in how the systems of power convince people to act against their own interests ??   I'm Upset. 

- The death penalty case!  Beccaria namedrop!  And also first Joseph de Maistre namedrop, and yeah I see how that's already being set up in opposition to ..everything this book is in favor of , really

Abolishing the death penalty is one particular issue Hugo really could claim to have fought for all his life (unlike the republican politics, which, wellllll). He'd had personal acquaintance with it  since he was very young , with his mother's lover/his godfather, General Victor Fanneau de La Horie, being executed for treason in 1812. 

 The most obvious place that he first deals with it seriously is in the Diary of a Condemned Man; as (IIRC) @prudencepaccard once pointed  out, Bishop Myriel here is something like the ideal priest the prisoner of that story hopes for, one who can truly bring comfort and a sense of his God, and offer real sympathy and connection.  There's a lot to say about that--but what's sticking with me this time is the effect that the execution has on Myriel.  Aside from his obvious trauma about it (and this is the first time it's occurring to me he probably had friends and family executed, sight unseen by him, in exactly this way, and that...cannot be making it easier) , there's his speech: 

"I did not think that it was so monstrous. It is wrong to become absorbed in the divine law to such a degree as not to perceive human law. Death belongs to God alone. By what right do men touch that unknown thing?"

--which feels to me like it's hitting a lot of the same thematic notes as Enjolras does in the "Love, Thine is the Future" speech, but almost from the opposite direction? there's so much to say about the two of them in narrative conversation (the two genuine idealistic priests of their respective ideals, who are actually able to change and grow , who in their own way represent the Just) but..agh, this chapter write up is so long already? well, put a pin in it for later, I guess.><  

..And this read through is the firs time I've consciously made the connection-- Works Like Words, Les œuvres semblables aux paroles , that is, they're both based on the Gospels. Small thing , but it's zoomed past me all these years!

A Final Note for this chapter: I remain highly entertained by the concept of the Phantom of Social Justice haunting Myriel like a Woke Opera Ghost.  PRACTICE CHARITY!  PRACTICE CHARITY,  MY PRIEST OF JUSTICE!

[bigskydreaming]

One of the biggest problems with refusing to give much acknowledgment to young Dick Grayson as having been very traumatized rather than just ‘cheered up within a couple of months after coming to the Manor, all on his own, cuz Dick’s just like that, now on with the cute Bruce and young Dick Feels with the occasional light angst of a nightmare’.....

Is fandom is really missing out on a ton of opportunities to actually explore the idea of Good Dad Bruce Wayne that so many people try to instead superimpose on his shittier moments.

Because yeah, there’s a lot of cute headcanons and fics out there about how adorable Dick was as a kid and he and Bruce being so close and Bruce being like the ideal parent and guardian to Dick.....

But like....its easy to be or at least come across as an ideal parent and guardian....when your kid is this happy, plucky, cart-wheeling spirited boy always running around full of light and laughter.

And that’s not who Dick was, when he first came to the Manor!

He was a traumatized eight to ten year old, who’d had his whole world ripped away and replaced entirely with an unfamiliar one he didn’t want.

So many people cite the line about how he didn’t want Bruce to replace his dad and that’s why Bruce waited so long to adopt him....but follow that thread back to its source.

You think grieving, has-every-reason-in-the-world-not-to-trust-strange-adults, tiny little spitfire Dick Grayson was graceful about accepting Bruce’s attempts at comfort at first, when all he wanted was his parents back, when he likely didn’t want hugs from this weird rich guy he didn’t understand, because all he wanted were hugs from his mom and dad?

Everyone’s so quick to point out adult Dick Grayson’s poor coping mechanisms and repression and tendencies to self-isolate and attempt to deal with his various traumas in less than ideal ways.....

You think those behaviors all just popped into existence for the first time on his eighteenth birthday? That he didn’t do similar things with his very early traumas, because those tendencies had already formed or were in the process of forming because of those very traumas?

My point is...

Dick Grayson was not an easy child when he first came to the Manor.

He couldn’t have been. No one could, in his shoes, and anyone who appeared otherwise would just be faking.

And hey, doesn’t that sound an awful lot like Dick Grayson behavior too?

So, the pun-slinging, mischievous, fun-loving sprite that Dick Grayson was as Robin and in his and Bruce’s most heart warming canon stories....

Was either a total cover-up job plastered over all of Dick’s trauma from the very start, meaning none of it ever got addressed or was something he ever moved past to any degree....

Or else, that happy, laughing young Dick Grayson was who he BECAME. After an actual hard, angsty, angry, occasionally self-isolating, irrational and otherwise Dick Grayson-esque road to recovery.

BECAUSE OF BRUCE.

THAT’S what this fandom is missing more than anything, if you ask me. Actual looks at the HARD early times with Dick and Bruce, where this young, inexperienced, totally in over his head Bruce Wayne who’s fast realizing he doesn’t have as much insight into this grieving child as he naively first assumed...

FIGURES IT OUT.

Day by day.

BY DOING THE WORK.

By being there for this kid through all the ups and downs. By refusing to be pushed away and shut out no matter how many times and how many ways Dick tried. By passing every test put before him by the untrusting kid betrayed by the system nominally there to protect him, who needed PROOF that there were still good people out there, still good adults, and that Bruce was one of them, that Dick could trust him, count on him, HE WASN’T GOING TO LEAVE HIM, no matter if Dick tried giving him reason to because he figured it was going to happen anyway and he wanted to get it over with.

Nothing frustrates me more - and you all know a lot frustrates me, lmao - than this implicit INSISTENCE so many people have that a young, traumatized orphan was the magic nightlight that came into Bruce’s life and transformed its drab darkness into a Disney scene as he smiled again for the first time since his parents died, at the sound of laughter....from this...young...traumatized...freshly orphaned and mistreated kid.

I’m sorry.

What?

Like, this is what it all traces back to. This is where the idea that Dick is never traumatized himself, or at least never enough so that it prevents him from doing what he’s really there to do, which is brighten everyone else’s life....

BECAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE ACT LIKE HE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO DO THAT FOR BRUCE, EVEN IN THE RELATIVE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF HIS FAR MORE RECENT TRAUMA.

NO.

That is not how that worked, lmao!

That was never going to be an option for how that worked!

When you think that a recently traumatized orphan is the magic cure-all for the FIFTEEN YEARS PAST trauma of a grown adult....

SOMETHING IS NOT CLICKING THERE.

So much of fandom has it completely backwards, I maintain, and so much of what we complain about and criticize about Dick’s writing in both canon and fanon is all just ripple effects emanating out from that.

Because Dick did not brighten Bruce’s life by just being his bubbly, cheerful, adorable sunshine-y self.

Dick brightened Bruce’s life by giving Bruce a reason to CARE about having brightness in it as much as he was surrounded by darkness.

Because Bruce had spent the last fifteen years neglecting to prioritize including any brightness in his own life, for his own sake, because as far as he and his immutable survivor’s guilt were concerned, he didn’t need it, perhaps didn’t deserve it.

BUT HE REFUSED TO LET THAT BE TRUE FOR THIS KID TOO.

He may not have been willing to fight to keep his own life and outlook bright and cheery all these years, but this kid who’d endured so much tragedy in so short a time, was so lost, was so quickly fading away into scraps of nothing compared to the bright, vibrant, larger than life figure Bruce had only briefly caught a glimpse of that night at the circus BEFORE tragedy struck and the world started piling on the darkness and trying to douse that kid’s light....

Bruce was going to fight like hell to keep that from happening, to keep that child he’d only seen for the briefest of times from turning cold and aloof and bitter.

Because maybe the problem had always been that when it came to himself, he didn’t remember what it had been like before his parents died, what he’d been like. He couldn’t see, couldn’t imagine, what he was supposed to look like when he was happy, what that even was...couldn’t picture it to even have a goal that the always goal-oriented Bruce Wayne could strive towards.

But a happy, bright, beaming Dick Grayson.....

Bruce knew what that looked like. He’d seen it once, the night they first met. HE KNEW WHAT WAS POSSIBLE FOR DICK, what he could be, because he knew and remembered seeing Dick be that before...and there was a clear picture for that, a goal, something that could be aimed for, something to keep aiming for even when it seemed impossible to reach at times.

But it wasn’t impossible. Not for Dick. No matter how hard it got at times, no matter how much Dick pushed him away or tried to drown himself in darkness and shut off all feelings, armor up all his vulnerable parts where the world might sneak in and hurt him.....Bruce wasn’t going to quit because that happier Dick Grayson was out there, was still a possibility. He’d seen it, captured it in his mind, held it up in his memories as proof of purpose whenever he started to doubt himself, or Dick’s ability to recover, or his ability to be the one to help Dick recover...

But if not him, who else was going to do whatever it took to be whatever Dick needed? As far as Bruce could tell, especially in takes where the system already had its shot at doing right by Dick and demonstrated an appalling lack of giving a fuck before Bruce stepped into the ring.....nobody else but Bruce seemed to remember that happier, brighter Dick Grayson. Nobody else seemed as invested in preserving THAT version of him, keeping it alive, fanning the last dying sparks of that bright spirit as long as it took to reignite back into a blazing bonfire that would become a beacon of brightness for Bruce himself, and a whole city and at times even a whole world.

So when you can’t trust anyone else to do a job right, you do it yourself. That’s ALWAYS been Bruce’s philosophy. Hell, its the whole nature of his control freak tendencies.

So that’s what Bruce did. And nobody does stubborn like him, not even Dick Grayson, and eventually, even the angry, bitter, untrusting and totally traumatized version of himself Dick had every possibility of turning into, instead gave way to Bruce’s far more determined refusal to let that happen, and Dick was like, well fuck it, guess I’ll be happy again if you’re gonna be like that about it.

I mean, lol, not really, but you get my point.

Dick didn’t save Bruce.

BRUCE SAVED DICK.

And not by just opening up his home to him. Not by just being someone who nominally, casually, as though that’s all there was to it was just ‘there for him while Dick grieved and recovered’ like it was as simple as that.

There was nothing simple about it. There couldn’t have been. Because there’s nothing simple about that much grief, that much trauma, that much upheaval, that many reasons to give up on the world and refuse to let anyone in or ever really trust anyone again.

Y’know. Like happened for Bruce, over a course of fifteen years, because this stuff is a JOURNEY not an anecdote like ‘well that happened but then they got over it and became superheroes, the end.’

No. Putting a roof over his head and food on his plate and even giving him a mask and a cape, those were just actions. Those were just pieces. Those were just thumbnails of the big picture.

None of those saved Dick. Made him the man, the hero he became.

BRUCE DID THE WORK.

Its that simple, and its also that complex. It was a process. It was a journey. It was a long hard road full of pitfalls and self doubt and second guessing and frustration. It was a million reasons to give up or turn back and only one reason to keep going, but one reason was all he needed. To save this one child. Not just by catching a bad guy or punching a Rogue. But to save him FULLY. His spirit as much as his body.

There’s a saying that goes something like “save one child, you save them all.”

Because the thing is, no matter how much Bruce might want to at times, he couldn’t do that for every single orphan out there. BE THERE, to the extent needed to actually bring Dick back from where his traumas had taken him. 

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t do that for this one, for whatever reason Bruce latched on to him as the one he just couldn’t shake, couldn’t stand to see this way, HAD to do something, anything, everything to stop that. Maybe because Dick did remind him so much of himself in that one crucial moment. Maybe because he felt guilty for not doing more sooner, when he found out what CPS had actually done instead of helping him. Maybe for reasons Bruce himself could never explain, so he just grabbed at any explanation he could think of for why he felt such a bone-deep certainty that this kid, this one specifically, needed him in specific.

Doesn’t matter. But what matters is you can’t save every traumatized child, but you save one kid, you save them all.

Because every single child matters as much as all children, to the right pair of eyes.

And you save one child by proving to them they’re worth saving, proving you want to save them, make them believe it....

That child grows up caring about proving to other children they’re worth saving, proving they want to save them, make them believe it. And on and on it goes.

You raise heroes by being their heroes. You save their world by being their world.

And being a hero, saving the world, that’s HARD FUCKING WORK.

You work and you work and you work at it.

And then you work some more.

And through all the times you feel like giving up, you willfully just refuse to and you KEEP. DOING. THE. WORK.

And if you do it long enough, do it well enough, do it so thoroughly and consistently and fully that in time you forget that its work at all, that its not just a fundamental part of you, a basic fact of your being, a reason you exist and breathe and get up in the morning....

Maybe eventually, hopefully, there comes a morning where you look up and realize somewhere along the way, that kid you saved has become a hero. Maybe he’s saving the world now himself.

And then you get back to work.

THAT. Is how you get Good Dad Bruce Wayne.

And I’m here for all the Good Dad Bruce being that, proving all that to Jason, saving him that way. And the same with Tim, and Cass, and Damian, and Steph, and Duke and Harper and Cullen and Colin and whoever you want to throw in the mix.

Its just.

That has to start with Dick.

It just has to.

Because a happy, cheerful, pun-loving, wise-cracking Robin like Dick Grayson was even after all the tragedy he’d endured so early in his life....

As well as THROUGH all the tragedy he endured as Robin...

That doesn’t just HAPPEN.

Kids aren’t just LIKE that.

You don’t get to expect them to just BE like that, all on their own. To just bounce back to their factory settings after enough time filling their grief quota.

Even a kid like Dick, hell, especially a kid like Dick, needs HELP to get to that point after where they’ve been, what they’ve been through. Needs a REASON to get to that point, a reason to try, to care, to get back up and fly again. Needs guidance, a road map. A guiding light through the darkness, a lighthouse that pierces through the fog.

You don’t get to expect them to just make it there on their own if they just spend enough time stumbling around in the dark, getting even more banged up as they trip and fall and crash into things with no idea what to look out for or a clue they might be headed down an even more dangerous path.

Saving people is hard work. There are no shortcuts. And it never stops.

Bruce Wayne knew that when Dick was younger. He proved it, time and time again.

Dick Grayson the hero IS the proof of that.

You only actually get Bad Dad Bruce Wayne...when he forgets to do the work. Stops doing it, stops trying. Maybe thinks he doesn’t have to do the work anymore, or at least not do as much of it. Thinks maybe he’s done now, its all up to Dick now.

No. Taking a kid in, raising them, making yourself their world until they feel safe and comfortable enough to look beyond you to see what else is out there again....that’s a job you don’t ever get to stop doing, once you willingly start. There is no clocking out. You don’t go home at the end of the day and not expect to see them there, because its their home too and if they feel otherwise or aren’t sure of that, that just means you have more work to do.

So you want to nip Bad Dad Bruce Wayne in the bud?

And not just in terms of Dick, but all or any of his children?

You still have to START with Dick and KEEP BRUCE DOING THE WORK with Dick. Putting in the time, the effort, the care, not taking him for granted, and never letting there reach a point where Bruce thinks Dick’s old enough that Bruce doesn’t need to do that anymore.

Because a Bruce that stops doing the work with Dick is a Bruce that’s going to stop doing the work with all his other kids in due time as well.

Especially since the more you treat Dick Grayson’s early years with Bruce like they were all carefree and trauma proof, just laughter and puns and Saturday morning cartoons....

The more it begs the question....

If Bruce can’t even make it work with a kid that ‘makes it that easy’....how the FUCK do you think he can make it work with all the kids you guys all so much more easily regard as more traumatized, more difficult, harder to reach or get through to?

Like....the more you accept Bruce had to do actual WORK to help Dick heal, the more Jason and all the others benefit by extension....because it makes Bruce that much more intuitive by the time he gets to them, that much more aware of his own actions and choices and impact.

This fandom wants more Good Dad Bruce Wayne content so bad, well guess what, I actually do too.

But if you want Bruce to never forget to keep doing the work, to keep caring, to keep making an effort and making a point to BE there for his kids...

Then as content creators....it doesn’t work if you forget to make Bruce do that  work, make those efforts.

And not just for some of his kids, but ALL of them.

Because if you can justify him not needing to do the work with one of them, you’re only kidding yourself if you think your version of his character could never justify giving up on doing the work for any of the others too.

[onebadwinter]

can I totally send the ship thing in for Bucky and Kara

ULTIMATE SHIP MEME!

Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Well, Bucky is a mite bit of a difficult person, and can be, very often, angst heavy. So he’s perhaps often going to split on Kara, when triggered especially. But if Kara can get him out of that state, and deal with the other faults he still caries. They should last for a while.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - More than definitely it was a slow burn kind of thing. Since Bucky doesn’t entirely believe he deserves these kinds of things, being that he spent the majority of his life feeling worthless and used. 

How was their first kiss? - Bucky definitely might be a good kisser, Though he might be a bit rusty, seeing as he hasn’t kissed much of anyone since being sent to war.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Bucky, was born in the thirties, raised in the forties. That man definitely is the one that would propose. He would feel awful for not being the one. As he was raised ‘right’ to believe the man should ask the woman. As it’s much more romantic to him. Not that he would be against being proposed to. It’s just not something he would be in favor of, over the opposite. It’s more seen as respectful, in his eyes. Respecting Kara enough to propose to her.

Who is the best man/men? - Steve, of course.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Sharon or Natasha. 

Who did the most planning? - Bucky is more used to the idea that the family of the bride does the planning. And seeing as Kara’s family is technically still alive (Pepper? Morgan?) and wealthy, and he is, well, not. It would be up to the Starks, or whoever Kara wishes, if not Kara herself? Though of course Bucky would more than likely speak up if he really wanted something. Maybe.

Who stressed the most? - I’d say neither. Bucky doesn’t try to stress over things since being freed from HYDRA’s control and Kara is certainly a calm well put together woman enough to not let a wedding get to her head, too badly.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Thanos.

Sex:

Who is on top? - They are probably both very versatile. Bucky’s not one to debate it. Because sex isn’t really on his mind to be begin with, all that much. It’s a in the moment kind of ordeal, whatever’s comfortable.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Kara more than likely. Since Bucky is not quite comfortable with displaying the sort of things that would instigate, too often. 

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - Guess that depends on the situation. Now doesn’t it. lol

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Oh yeah, Bucky would make sure. Even if he’s in a bit of a  dark and gloomy angst, rough, mood. He’d still allow Kara the same pleasures. 

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - This is a debatable situation, As he probably still doesn’t want any.

How many children will they adopt? They may adopt one or three. 

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Bucky would definitely be willing to help out here, as he wants to be a part of the raising of any children between them one would think.

Who is the stricter parent? - They will probably both be fairly strict, Bucky definitely so.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Kara, more than likely. As Bucky plays by the rules of “Sometimes you gotta bleed a little to build character.” ahah.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - They both are more than likely to be on top of this. 

Who is the more loved parent? - I’m thinking that it’s a balanced sort of thing. A team effort by both of them would probably result in the children liking them equally, even for different reasons. Idealic, anyway.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Depends on who’s readily on hand at that time. Probably Bucky, more often then Kara since he’s not got a lot to do these days, outside of random assassinations, for fun.

Who cried the most at graduation? - I’d imagine that both parents were proudly watching with teary eyes. But I wouldn’t think they outright cried.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - I’d like to say neither. Bucky would be more of a “Commit the crime, do the time.” Kind of parent, as he wants his kids to ‘do better than him’ in this moralistic questioning. And, believes that bailing the child out will only instill in them that someone will always be their to bail them out. That’s just not how the world works, however. So Bucky would want them to learn a lesson here.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - They probably both share in the cooking. If not including the entire family, for a fun activity and lesson in cooking.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Kara, one would think. Since Bucky wasn’t raised in a time where being picky was an option. And then there’s all the Hydra stuff. You think they let him pick out his own food?

Who does the grocery shopping? - They probably both will participate in this. As they are both adults and very capable of shopping for themselves and family equally. 

How often do they bake desserts? - Bucky would probably be trying to learn all this new modern stuff that he did not have growing up or captured by Hydra. So he is more than likely to be the one to cook this, yes. But he might also include Kara, for fun.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Bucky does love meats more than salads. As there were rarely any meat to have growing up, it was a privilege to have. Though he does like salads, Kara would be the one to suggest them more often.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - They both probably would switch every other anniversary to do something. 

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Neither probably, As Bucky’s no big on going out. But Kara is more inclined to it, since she was raised much more closely to a time where, going out was a thing. Or well, more THE Thing to do since she was raised in the modern era of wealth and prosperities that the Twenties lost away. Bucky, was lucky to have an EXPO around to ‘go out’ to. Then there are dance houses and the usual club or bar. But Bucky’s not in great need of visiting such places. He’s perfectly fine staying in with Kara and reading a book or enjoying some show or movie.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - I’d say Bucky, the first few times he’d tried to cook after breaking free of Hydra’s control. THOUGH, lately, no. Neither seems to be a better option. Cooking is not that hard, Bucky is learning how to improve his cooking skills as much as he can, to probably impress.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - They both more than likely do this if they are both home. Or will be fine cleaning if one is not and the other is. So it’s an equal effort.

Who is really against chores? - Bucky might not be in the mood for doing chores all the time, I think.

Who cleans up after the pets? - They both will participate, given who finds the mess first, I would imagine.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Neither, what would be the point in it. Bucky’s mother would come out of her grave and beat him senseless, no doubt. Kara, despite growing up with in the Stark Household. Seems to, ultimately know better than doing such a thing, a swell. 

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Bucky, he doesn’t like too many people around him. Or new people he hasn’t met before. SO it would be very tricky getting him on board with this sort of thing.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Bucky would definitely be more excited about finding a dollar between the couch cushions, given that money is still a thing that’s ‘not always available’ in his mind.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Bucky certainly takes a long time in the bath. He has a like of thinking to do.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They probably both would go on a walk together with the dog. Seems to be the best thing to do. Unless one is sick or unable to in some way. Which Bucky certainly would, then.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Holiday’s weren’t something particularly grand when he was growing up. Enjoyable to a degree, back then. Though he’s not a big fan of Halloween, now. He probably has gotten more into the spirit of holidays now that he can celebrate them in full of the modern day flair. 

What are their goals for the relationship? - To be with someone they could spend the rest of their lives with, even if sometimes they might want to claw each others eyes out over stupid arguments or something.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Bucky has a lot of Trauma and sleeping helps keep it away. But it also does not. So it depends, though Bucky is the more likely party to do so, being up and down all night otherwise.

Who plays the most pranks? - Not having much of a good childhood on top of getting drafted to war and used a a Hydra puppet, Bucky can be more childish and prone to pranks.

[fatalism-and-villainy]

@4amkatara re: this thread (it’s getting long to reblog):

ohh yes!! i agree so much w what you said abt prioritising the collective. i think him putting others’ needs before his own is partly based in trauma, but i also think there’s a difference between that happening in personal/esp. familial relationships, and him putting the collective over his personal needs as a leader. the first may feed into the second, but i don’t think prioritising the collective is necessarily bad or unhealthy. imo it’s the duty of a leader to do that!

Yeah, exactly. I think his relationship with LWJ is definitely the most, mmm... draining for him in that sense, because so much of that is him looking after LWJ’s emotional needs, including when they’re both still children (the LWJ-kneeling-in-the-snow scene definitely gives me the vibe of LXC having to put aside his own grief because LWJ is being a bit more... disruptive, about how he’s expressing that). So I think he’s definitely got some unhealthy inclinations when it comes to expressing needs of his own. But yeah, I just don’t think that acknowledging those needs in a healthier way is necessarily diametrically opposed with continuing to serve others in a more institutional way (as opposed to interpersonal). And i think taking up his duties again after being in seclusion would probably be good for him.  

 and even if prioritising the collective was unhealthy, i don’t think pulling a 180 and just saying fuck the collective is the way to deal w that. lwj does jump from extremes like that but i don’t think his repression and obedience -> extreme devotion and putting love over all else is really. good or healthy or even romantic? i can see the appeal but it’s just not really for me

OH MOOD. I get the appeal of LWJ’s single-minded undying love of WWX as a trope, but I personally get a bit uncomfortable when people emphasize that aspect of their relationship, because I think that LWJ’s “my boyfriend, right or wrong” attitude is in many ways just as maladaptive as his teenage rigidity about The Rules. (And I think a lot of that is based in his trauma around WWX dying, too.) I think that’s part of why I prefer LWJ staying with the Lan and finding a way to make the sect rules work for him without completely uncritically adhering to them, to LWJ just leaving his sect so he can spend his days wandering around with WWX. Because his upbringing and his values are important to him, and I don’t want him to just chuck those out the window for the sake of love. (Especially because part of what I like about wangxian is that they have very different lifestyles and approaches to things like values, and so much of their relationship - I want to say especially in CQL? - is about compromise and actively coming to an understanding of each other. And I prefer that aspect of them to “abandoning the rest of the world because all we need is each other.” And he’s also got the juniors! Whom he cares about and who are a good place to funnel his energy that is not WWX.

(This is also related to why I really want LWJ to make some other friends post-canon.)  

and oh!! not to write for ages lol but yeah he’s not like his mom in that sense! i was thinking more of what he saw of his mom, which we at least see in cql as her smiling and pretending everything’s fine even in a situation that, though lxc didn’t know the details of, could probably sense was not. ideal

which is partly why the thing w deprioritising himself is imo linked to his childhood with his personal relationships. the idea that that’s how he should act as a parental figure, esp. after madam lan is gone and lwj is still kneeling at her door waiting for her to come back, influences his relationship w lwj a lot imo where he tries to kinda imitate it w lwj (though the deprioritisation/always putting on a smile/etc is partly is just who lxc is and how he deals with the pressures placed on him)

Ohhh, yeah, that makes sense! And what’s so telling to me is the way he seems to present her not making a fuss as a positive thing to WWX - and while I’m sure he’s still aware of the tragedy behind it, and how she was kind of forced to behave that way by her situation, it still seems to have influenced a lot of his notions of virtue and good behaviour.

(And I feel like LWJ took the exact opposite lesson from it, given that he would not fake a smile for diplomacy if you paid him. Part of that is just how his face is, but he also has zero interest in placating people he does not care for or respect.)

[kingsmakers]

Evens for Cass and Odds for Phoenix 😈

Ooh this is long so:

Phoenix Black

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Phoenix is obviously from a big family, so yeah she has both her brothers and also her cousins (almost all of which are older than her). She’s closest with Regulus, as they share very similar views. Her twin is probably a little more prejudiced than Phoenix. As a child she was often the glue between Regulus and Sirius, as she’s got a positive relationship with both of her brothers.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Orion is a fairly distant presence emotionally. He’s an Unspeakable for the Department of Mysteries, so he works long hours and isn’t allowed to talk about his work. Although not as abusive to his kids as Walburga, he’s never intervened on their behalf. She and her father both have depression though, which is something that comes to light more later during Phoenix’s story.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Her wand ALWAYS, probably some treats for her cat Saturn, a bunch of hair pins and hair ties just in case her hair gets too unruly.

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

There’s a lot of death in Phoenix’s nightmares, which makes sense really because of the First Wizarding War and all.

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

I think it’s similar. Phoenix has grown up privileged and she’s never wanted for anything, her family is very wealthy. I will say that as an adult, she has more of an appreciation of hard work and having to earn things. Nonetheless she does inherit a fair bit of money, so even if she didn’t work, she’d always be comfortable.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Directly following Evan Rosier’s death. I can’t say too much without spoiling, but Phoenix did unknowingly have a hand in his and Wilkes’ ultimate fates. She also understands why Regulus wanted out, and knows she has to go to protect herself and baby Cass. So she’s terrified that Death Eaters will hunt her down and murder her.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Phoenix is completely unperturbed by blood. As she’d put it, girls see more than boys anyway.

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

I think she is despite her best efforts not to be. Much of Phoenix’s young life was dominated by the idea of status, and how flaunting your wealth was the best way to achieve that. She becomes better as an adult, especially as Remus is not very comfortable with flaunting money due to his vastly different financial upbringing.

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

I think as she’s a pure-blood it’s a bit hard to tell what toys she had, but she probably would have loved all of them.

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

I would definitely say that, when she’s younger, it’s her tendency to think too much about other people’s opinions and how things look. It definitely ruined her relationship with Remus while they were still at Hogwarts - she placed too much faith in people’s perspectives on it, and it was what led her to break up with him.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

I think Phoenix is quite self-destructive, so I think she would often blame herself, or at least question how active a role she had in the tragedy that occurred. She’d wonder what she could do differently. However, when there’s blame to be placed on others, she would certainly put it there.

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

Phoenix is not a fan of others who go out of their way to be cruel or unkind to others for no reason. Ironic, considering she’s a Slytherin and in a very pro-Voldemort circle, but it’s part of what pushes her to want to get out.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Phoenix definitely turns a blind eye to those she’s closest with, it’s a big flaw of hers. However, she can be somewhat paranoid and suspicious of others, and when she’s got an idea in her head, it’s hard to convince her otherwise.

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Phoenix isn’t a very confrontational person, but she does believe in sorting out problems rather than letting them fester. I think she would approach the conflict with the knowledge of what she wants to say, and an idea of what the outcome would be.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

As a kid, Phoenix really wanted to be an Auror. Unfortunately after her husband was killed by them, it crushed that for her. After that, she was a bit disillusioned with the Ministry, though she knew working for them would be a nice paycheck.

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

With Remus and her kids. After the war, she just wants to settle down in a modest home with them and live a peaceful existence. Phoenix has a lot of trauma packed into the space of a few short years, so I think she’s done with eventful after all of that.

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

Phoenix can get very defensive, and is prone to tears when she’s called out. She doesn’t handle criticism well, and it’s something she’s well aware of and is working to change.

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

Phoenix is naturally an extrovert, and that really shines around people she likes. She’s friendly, bubbly and eager to include and be included. Phoenix is the sort of person who, when she’s at her best, you’d really want to be friends with. She does have a sunny personality when she’s in a good mood.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Originally it would be protecting her status, but that would definitely change later on.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

Lmaoooo does Remus count? ;)

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Phoenix at first feels she deserves to have what she wants, but it’s only as she gets older that she realises she has to work for it and earn it, and she finds it feels better to her that way.

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

I wouldn’t say a ‘dependent’ but she does have an interesting relationship with Harry. She’s sort of that aunt figure to him, as both Sirius’s sister and Remus’s wife.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

Phoenix isn’t entirely sure that what happens after she dies, but she thinks there might be some sort of afterlife, and it comforts her a little knowing she’ll be reunited with people like her twin.

Cassiopeia Rosier

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Cass gets along quite well with her mum. Phoenix was only young when Cass was born, so she’s a fairly young mum, and they have some similar characteristics. She’s also the only biological parent of Cass’s still alive, so I think Cass relies on her a bit for information about what her dad was like.

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

I definitely think Cass witnesses a lot during the Second Wizarding War. This is a maybe, but I considered that Cass suspects something is up when Harry is led away with ‘Moody’, and stumbles upon him having changed into Crouch. However, the professors arrive before he can attack her.

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

I think Cass dreams about her dad a lot, what he’d be like, how he’d act toward her etc. She adores Remus, but she also wonders about her biological father for sure.

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope, she has not.

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

Cass is quite body confident so I think some of the clothing she wears is a little more on the revealing side. I mean, Fred ain’t complaining.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

I think this was during her younger half-brother, Orion Lupin’s, venture to Hogwarts. He was really stressed about where he would be sorted and what it would mean and Cass was like “lmao doesn’t matter”.

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

I would say faces.

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

A bit of both ideally, but if she had to choose, she would say happiness.

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Wisdom, the little goddamn Ravenclaw.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Cass is a bit of an overachiever, so she’s likely to compare her grades and results to those of others. She sometimes feels that if she’s not the best, then what’s the point?

22. What does your character like in other people?

Genuineness, and the ability to make her laugh.

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Not very. Cass is not a trusting person, and she keeps herself guarded.

26. How does your character behave around children?

Cass is an oldest child and her youngest brother is 14 years younger than her, so she’s pretty good with kids.

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Cass isn’t a physically violent person, and she would only lash out if someone had done so to her first.

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Arrogance. Something she does see a lot in other Ravenclaws. Also people thinking they’re ‘above’ others. She’s a pure-blood herself but sees no need to be a supremacist about it.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Being compared to Death Eater daddy in a negative way. She knows her dad did some awful things, and there’s no denying she’s like him in some ways, but she never wants to come across as cruel or malicious.

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

She would move on to a different method. Cass is constantly changing her methods.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Civil, but indifferent. She will make conversation if she has to, but it won’t be anything more than small talk. She’s not outright rude but she’s not going to push it.

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

I think she would remove herself from the problem or threat. She finds taking a step back gives her more space to think.

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

Polite. Not quite kind, but she would always at least attempt to be friendly.

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Remus maybe but he’s her stepdad so? Other than that, I think she has Molly Weasley, who utterly adores her.

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

She finds it hard. Cass knows that she’s a product of basically an arranged marriage, so it’s not something she throws around lately. It’s a big thing for her to say.

[astudyinfreewill]

how do u feel abt adam lying to his friends about his father? i understand that he wants to forget his past but it still made me so sad that he's lying about it :(

honestly? i think it’s extremely realistic, and very understandable.

while adam has the best arc and the most growth out of anyone in the raven cycle, while he managed to escape an abusive environment with his head held high and find friendship and love… the consequences of abuse don’t disappear overnight. adam is still going to struggle with trusting people, he’s still going to have low self-esteem, he’s still going to feel shame about his upbringing.

in a way, i think his satisfying epilogue at the end of trk has given him a false sense of security - he’s got out of the trailer park and cut off his parents, so he doesn’t ever need to reckon with that part of his life ever again. he’s sweeping it under the rug rather than letting it organically fade into the background of his tapestry, because thinking about it hurts.

so, yeah, he may not be dealing in the healthiest of ways, but that is believable to me, because he’s a 19 year old guy who’s gone through immense trauma and never gotten proper help for it. all in all, he’s doing well enough.

there’s another aspect to consider as well: adam has known his new friends for less than two months. that is not a very long time at all. yes, of course ideally you shouldn’t lie to people, and as i’ve said above, he’s not acting in the healthiest way. but also adam has just moved out of henrietta for the first time in his whole life, he’s in a new city and at a new school with new people that he wants to make a good impression on, people whom he genuinely likes because they’re kind and quirky and openly queer but who also all come from financially privileged backgrounds (as far as we know). of course he wouldn’t want the first thing they find out about him to be that he comes from a trailer park, not when he can still hear the calls of “white trash” and “trailer trash” and “pretender” and “mongrel” so clearly in his ears.

remember that adam’s first true friend was gansey, whom adam has always idealised as being noble and affable and genial, and who brought their little group together; adam is trying to put his best foot forward, so to speak, by showing the traits of himself he likes best and hiding all the parts he finds distasteful and/or shameful. he already has to lie to his friends anyway - he can’t tell them about magic or about being psychic or any of that - so he might figure one lie less or more doesn’t change things much.

but additionally to his desire to make a good impression on these new friends whom he can’t be completely honest with -- and more importantly… adam has been an abuse victim, which is an incredibly delicate story to share with anyone, especially people you’ve barely known for two months. we should all remember that abuse survivors don’t owe their history to anyone, especially if sharing it brings back painful or triggering memories.

last but not least, i always think of this lesson he learnt from persephone:

the quote is from chapter 38 of blue lily, lily blue - the one where adam goes to court against his father. of course, here he is hiding the truth of it from gansey and ronan because he’s still feeling ashamed and self-conscious (due to years of gaslighting and undermining) which he eventually moves past, at least when it comes to ronan/gansey/blue/noah. 

but persephone’s lesson is still valid: no one has to know adam’s past if he doesn’t want them to. and that advice, by the way, is applicable to anyone, about anything, but especially so for an abuse survivor, who doesn’t owe anyone a backlog of their pain. adam is allowed to share only the parts of himself he feels good about sharing, especially with people he doesn’t have an intimate relationship with.

of course, not sharing your past isn’t the same as straight up lying, so as i said, it’s not ideal. but he’s still dealing with the fallout of his abuse, and doing the best he can after receiving zero professional support to cope with it. he’s already come so far on his own, and i fully anticipate he’ll grow even more, to the point where he doesn’t feel the need to lie to present a version of himself that’s worth liking. i can’t wait to see him heal and bloom and learn to love himself despite all the painful pages in his past. 

[iatethepomegranate]

Homecoming Chapter 25

Masterlist

Pairing: DickTiger

Rating: Teen (this chapter)

Length: 3.3k

Summary: Tiger gets his communicator and an existential crisis. Dick gets a phone call. They also carpool into the city for a debrief and an appointment.

Notes: Can someone other than me please post in the DickTiger omg I’m trying to keep a weekly schedule but it looks like I’m taking over

Warnings: anxiety, allusions to the torture

****

Chapter 25

“Here you go.” Tim passed Tiger an earpiece. “All yours.”

“I still can’t believe Bruce literally offered to give you one,” said Stephanie. “Is he okay?”

Tiger looked at Dick. “Well? Is he okay?”

Dick snorted, which had always been oddly endearing. “I mean, he’s being nice which is always weird but I’m pretty sure he’s fine.”

Tiger pressed the earpiece into place. Tim passed him a wrist computer disguised as a watch, which he used to tune the communicator to his first Spyral frequency.

“Dick asked nicely,” Jason said. “Of course he gave it to you.”

“I didn’t actually ask Bruce to give Tiger a communicator,” Dick corrected. “I just insisted we include Helena.”

“Same thing.”

“And I wasn’t fucking nice about it.”

Jason laughed. Dick glared. No one took him seriously.

“It’s cute when he tries to be serious,” said Stephanie.

“No, it is laughable,” said Damian.

Tiger left Dick to the mercy of his siblings and stepped into the hallway. He called Helena, who answered immediately.

“There you are. I was wondering if you’d forgotten about me.”

“You are a hard woman to forget,” Tiger replied.

“Aw, is Dick teaching you how to charm a lady?”

“Do you find him charming? I do not.”

“You’re fooling nobody,” Helena replied.

Tiger resisted the temptation to retort. “I have arranged a meeting with Checkmate next Thursday at thirteen hundred hours in Gotham City.”

“During the day? Huh.”

“Which means most of my current associates will not be available to provide backup.”

“So you’re asking me? I’m flattered.”

“Helena.”

“Relax. I’m available. I’ll get in touch with your people and arrange logistics.”

“My people?”

“Your boyfriend’s people. His father specifically.”

“I knew that.”

“No, you didn’t.” Helena chuckled. “I’ll see you on Thursday.” She ended the call.

Tiger leaned against the wall behind him. He did not know how he felt about returning to Checkmate, only that it caused an unpleasant jittering sensation in his stomach.

Actually, he did know how he felt about it: awful.

Tiger had not been a standard agent for years. Now that his undercover mission was over, he did not feel a need to return to the way things had been before.

Even though his hands shook whenever he touched a gun and he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in so long he’d lost count, he would not trade that for a return to life before the Spyral mission. The realisation felt strange. Losing the ability to take orders and carry them out, no questions asked, no sleep lost… it felt like he’d lost a part of himself. A part of his identity.

And yet…

If he compared how he felt now to how he’d felt before going undercover…

Strange.

He was happier now. In an odd way. Checkmate had recruited him from Afghanistan when he was barely eighteen. He’d been old enough to fight, old enough to have a fearsome reputation, and yet…

He’d been so young.

So confused.

He was still confused today, but about different things. Perhaps confusion was a part of who he was. Well, at least that hadn’t changed, even if the source of his confusion had.

The young Tiger King of Kandahar had hidden his confusion, his uncertainty, behind fighting. There had always been someone to defend, or someone to punish. He’d taken the name given to him for his deeds in the place of his birth and fashioned it into a mask. Armour. That title became his identity. It still was, but in a different way.

The name Tiger felt like a comfortable old coat these days, worn in all the right places. The original occasion for which he’d first donned it had ceased to matter many wears ago. It was his, and that was enough. Somewhere along the line, it had stopped being a barrier and started being him.

In fact, it felt less like an old coat and more like his own skin. He owed some of that to Checkmate, but most of it had changed because he had changed.

In many respects, Spyral was equally as responsible… if not more so.

His feelings were beginning to make more sense. Checkmate felt like a step backwards. The Tiger who’d joined Checkmate was not the same Tiger who was set to return.

Given the emotional state he’d been in when he’d volunteered to infiltrate Spyral, that was an improvement. It felt strange calling post-traumatic stress an improvement.

Well, in reality, it wasn’t his trauma that had changed him. That had simply come along for the ride, as Dick might say.

Tiger had grown up quickly, but only now was he finding true maturity. He’d felt so worldly when he’d joined Checkmate. Perhaps that was youth. Perhaps it was fighting the Taliban from a young age. Perhaps both.

In truth, he’d known very little. In many respects, he felt he knew less now.

“Hey,” Dick poked his head out the door. “You’ve been gone a while. Everything okay?”

Tiger nodded. “I was thinking.”

Dick joined him at the wall. “Oh?”

“Do you find that as you grow older, you know less?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“Do you think it is normal?”

“Yeah, I do.” Dick leaned his head on Tiger’s shoulder. Tiger held very still so he wouldn’t move. “We’re getting wise in our old age, T.”

Tiger couldn’t hold back a laugh; he found it harder to control these days, especially when Dick knew how to get under his skin. “Yes, you do look very old.”

“Yeah, and you’re about to collapse into dust yourself.”

“Well, my joints make noises they never used to make. Perhaps that time is almost upon me.”

“Or you could just stop getting your ass kicked every few weeks. I’ve heard good health keeps you young.”

“I would not know.”

Dick laughed, sliding his hand into Tiger’s. “Anyway. What brought this on?”

“I was thinking about Checkmate. I was barely eighteen when they recruited me in Afghanistan.”

“And I bet you thought you knew everything.”

“To be fair, I had repelled my fair share of Taliban attacks.”

“Okay, that’s pretty impressive. Some cockiness is to be expected.”

“I may also have wrestled a tiger.”

“Shit. Really?”

“You will never know if I’m telling the truth.”

“You bastard,” Dick murmured.

“I volunteered for the Spyral mission,” Tiger said. He hadn’t set out to share that information, but maybe he’d needed to say it. He’d had few opportunities to talk about it with anyone.

Dick looked up at him; there was some kind of tension behind his eyes that made Tiger suspect he would have another migraine soon. “Sounds like there’s a story there.”

“Not much of one. I was well-respected in Checkmate, but I wanted to get away.”

“So you volunteered for a deep cover mission. Naturally. Why did you want to get away?”

That wasn’t something Tiger liked to think about. He already regretted opening his mouth. He wondered if his reason was still with Checkmate, or whether things had changed there as well.

Dick took the hint. “Ah, well. Story for another time? I’m a great listener.”

“I know.”

***

The worst of the migraine had passed, but Dick still winced whenever he saw too much light. Or heard anything louder than a whisper. Tiger was elsewhere; Dick didn’t like anyone seeing him like this, even if he could tolerate another person’s presence when the pain was at its worst.

He sat on the bed in the dark, slowly sipping a glass of water. Tension still bunched in his muscles; he’d learned from experience that it wouldn’t go away properly until he found the strength to move around and stretch. For now, though, he’d just have to deal.

His phone vibrated, which set his teeth on edge. Tim had messed with the settings so the backlight didn’t hurt as much when he looked at the screen, but he still had to do it quickly. It was Kory.

She didn’t call very often. He picked up right away and put the phone on speaker so he could keep it away from his aching head.

“Hello?”

“Dick?”

“The one and only.”

Kory let out a breath. “Oh, X’Hal. It’s true. You’re back.”

“Back and better than ever,” Dick said dryly; he wasn’t sure she’d pick up on the sarcasm, but he guessed it didn’t really matter. “Jason run his mouth?”

“Who else?”

“Good point.”

“You sound tired. Are you okay?”

“It’s been a long few months. I’ll be fine.” A phone conversation wasn’t the ideal platform to hash out what exactly had been going on and why he sounded half-dead. “How are you doing?”

“I’m well.”

“Seen Roy lately?”

Starfire chuckled. “Yes. He just left.”

“Tell him I say hi next time you see him… which I’m sure will be soon.”

“Dick…”

“I’m not mad, Kory. We’ve both moved on. Go forth, be merry.”

“You say the strangest things.”

“You talk to Jason on the regular. I think your opinion of strange is a bit skewed.”

“You’re probably right.” Kory hummed softly. “Jason says you’re living with your family again.”

“Yeah, some stuff went down on the tail end of my mission. Needed to find my feet.”

“Yes, your mission.” Kory’s voice hardened. “The mission where you faked your death.”

Dick sighed; he should’ve expected this. “I’m sorry I put you through that. Just because I needed to be dead in the eyes of the public didn’t mean I needed to be dead to the people I care about.”

“I’m glad you’ve realised that.” She still sounded pissed. That was valid.

“You ever find yourself in Gotham?” Dick asked. “We should talk properly. Face to face.”

“I might be in the neighbourhood next week. To visit Jason.”

“And if we happen to bump into each other, that’ll be a happy coincidence.”

“Yes.”

“Text me the details. When you have them.”

“I will.”

“And I’ll give the big guy some warning so he doesn’t get mad about metahumans in the city again.”

Kory laughed. “Is he always like that?”

“Oh, yeah. I’ll see you later.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Dick set the phone aside and pressed his fingers into his temples. It had been easy enough to block out the pain while talking to Kory, but now it was coming back with a vengeance.

Still, he was glad for the phone call. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Kory. And the last time she’d seen him was at his funeral. Not exactly conducive to conversation.

It would be good to see her. He still loved her, in a way, but the need to have her to himself had long since dissipated. Enough time had passed that he could genuinely be happy for her when she saw other people.

Yeah. Now was a good time to clear the air between them. If things went well, maybe she’d like to meet Tiger.

***

The day to visit Checkmate came before Tiger was prepared for it. Even the morning prayer had done little to soothe his nerves.

It didn’t help that Dick was coming off another migraine. He made it to breakfast with Tiger, but neither of them had much of an appetite. Tiger had told Dick to go back to bed several times, but he refused.

“Good news,” Dick said quietly, picking at the fruit salad Alfred had made. “We’re carpooling today.”

“This is the first I am hearing of it.”

“Only got confirmed last night,” Dick said. “I’m seeing a specialist in Gotham, so Alfred’s driving both of us into the city. We’ll drop you off first.”

“Are you sure you are up to this?”

“The sunglasses aren’t just for decoration.” Dick patted his shirt pocket. “I’ll manage.”

Tiger had to admit having Dick close for the journey made him feel better. He stopped protesting.

“Does this specialist know what they are doing?” Damian said, stabbing a waffle with his usual fervour.

“It’s the same guy who stopped my head exploding on a near-nightly basis,” Tim replied. “He’s legit.”

“Your migraines are a result of inferior genetics, Drake, not a torture machine.”

Tim looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “Thanks.”

Damian eyed him for a moment longer, until he evidently decided Tim was not going to react the way he wanted him to. Then Dick caught his eye and raised an eyebrow.

Damian scowled. “I apologise, Drake.”

“Sure.” Tim said absent-mindedly, more focused on his coffee.

“Anyway…” Dick finally picked up some pineapple on his fork. “I don’t know if the specialist can help, but I’m willing to give it a shot. At this point, I’ll try anything.”

Dick looked exhausted. Tiger knew for a fact he was, in fact, as tired as he looked. Neither of them had slept well last night. Dick was abstaining from coffee and Tiger did not need caffeine shakes, so there was no respite on the horizon.

Once it was time to leave, they’d both managed to choke down some breakfast. Cassandra had gone ahead to meet Helena; they would remain near the building but would not enter unless absolutely necessary. Tiger did not need an extra set of eyes over his shoulder. He would be under enough scrutiny already.

He was grateful they would be close by if needed, however.

Dick still flinched in the sunlight, but he appeared to shake it off. They sat together in the back of the car while Alfred drove.

“Should you require an earlier pickup than anticipated, sir,” said Alfred, “call me and I will come. Should you lose access to your phone, I use the family’s communication frequency. Master Dick, if you would…?”

“Sure.” Dick held out his palm. Tiger dropped the communicator in his hand. Dick pressed a few buttons on his watch, frowning. Or perhaps squinting. After a moment, the communicator beeped softly and Dick handed it back.

Tiger put it in his ear. “I may need to surrender my devices.”

Dick made a pulling motion from his watch and a dim holographic display grew from it. He pressed a few holographic keys and then held his wrist close to Tiger.

“Give it a few words.”

“Hello, watch.” Tiger grimaced. “I feel ridiculous.”

The watched beeped and Dick pulled back. “That was enough. Okay, you should be able to program any communicator to patch you into our frequency. You’ll be asked to give voice confirmation. If something really bad happens, which I doubt it will, it’ll also work on all cell phones, Gotham payphones and some kitchen appliances.”

“What?”

“Wayne Enterprises gets everywhere, babe.”

Tiger would never get used to that nickname, but at least it was a pleasant feeling. He still did not feel ready when Alfred parked the car near the nondescript office building that housed Checkmate’s Gotham outpost.

Dick kissed his cheek. “You’ll be okay. We won’t be far. And Cass and Helena will be on hand if something weird happens. Which it probably won’t.”

“Yes, very comforting.”

“Oh, hush.” Dick squeezed both his hands. “You just did them a massive favour. As far as I’m concerned, the least they can do is listen to you about Bannon.”

That name always felt like a lance through his stomach. He nodded silently and slid out of the car.

As they drove off, Dick blew him a kiss out the window. Tiger tried to burn that image into his mind. He could use some encouragement once he was inside.

He approached the glass doors. They slid open for him. He stepped through, heart pounding in his throat.

He paused in the lobby. Breathed. The lobby itself was deliberately dull and sterile. Not the kind of place someone would walk into by accident. Unless they were trying to escape a murderer, Tiger supposed.

The woman at the front desk was a stranger, probably a newer agent who joined after Tiger had gone undercover. She seemed to recognise him anyway and waved him through the next set of doors. Here, things became more interesting.

A security guard passed Tiger a plastic tub. He put his communicator, watch and phone inside. Then he removed his shoes and placed them on the conveyor belt.

“We’ll need to confiscate your electronics,” the guard said. “You’ll get them back when you leave.”

Tiger passed through a body scanner and retrieved his shoes on the other side. He was almost certain Bruce had hidden a tracker on him, but it was clearly disguised enough or of such little consequence that security did not feel the need to search and destroy.

Another receptionist was seated behind another desk, this time close to a pair of grey elevators. “Welcome back, Bishop Five,” he said, stamping a barcode onto the back of Tiger’s hand. “You’re needed on level ten. Have a nice day.”

Tiger stepped into the elevator and tapped the back of his hand against the card reader. Level ten selected itself and the doors sealed him in the elevator.

Tiger fell into parade rest. He shut his eyes and took deep, slow breaths. He had never been to the Gotham City branch of Checkmate before, so it was unlikely he would run into many people who knew him. Maxwell Lord was probably here, and perhaps Amanda Waller, but anyone else? No.

The doors let out a ding and slid open. Tiger stepped out, feeling calmer. He had no reason to feel anxious. He had done his job. All he needed to do was report in and give his recommendations.

And possibly attend an evaluation, which he would likely fail. Then again, it was more likely they would schedule it for another day. If all went to plan, he would not be here for long.

Tiger started down the hallway. The barcode on his wrist would automatically open the correct door once he reached it, and this place was linear. He could do this. Everything would be fine. He had nothing to—

A door up ahead slid open. An agent stepped into the hallway. They locked eyes, and recognition sparked between them.

“Eimal,” Tiger breathed.

“Tiger.” Eimal’s face broke into an uneasy smile. The man was handsome as ever… his dark, intelligent eyes; his nose slightly crooked from being broken one too many times; his thick, black hair…

This was exactly who Tiger had not wanted to see.

Eimal’s smile relaxed, just a small amount. “It’s good to see you.”

Tiger couldn’t answer. He suddenly felt much younger, in the throes of heartbreak once again. That was a dangerous feeling. He made rash decisions when he felt like this. He had to breathe. Had to control it. This feeling was nothing more than the ghost of a relationship long since dead.

He swallowed. “I did not expect to see you here.”

“Lord thought you might like to see a friendly face.” Eimal’s smile turned pained. “I had hoped enough time had passed that…”

Tiger did not know how to respond. He often felt clumsy and slow around Eimal. The man was a few years older and, he’d once believed, much wiser. He had joined Checkmate before Tiger and had been among the first to welcome him. Meeting another Pashtun had helped keep the homesickness at bay for them both.

“The past is the past,” Tiger finally said, hoping he sounded firm. He did not feel firm. He felt like the ground would soon crumble beneath him.

A flash of hurt appeared in Eimal’s eyes, but it was gone so quickly Tiger might have imagined it. “Well, it was good to see you. Don’t keep Lord waiting.” He gestured to the door at the end of the hall.

“Thank you.” Tiger didn’t know what else to say. Eimal stepped aside to let him pass. Tiger felt like he was walking through water. When he turned back, Eimal was gone.