#which was the fear
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all the lyrics across Taylorâs past 5 albums about how she hopes she doesnât lose him (hopes he doesnât leave, hopes it never ends) only to arrive at her saying âyouâre losing me.â
#the moment where it shifts in any relationship#where it goes from this fear of losing something to realizing that the loss is inevitable beCAUSE a person doesnât want you#like. in a way her fears didnât come true. because she didnât do the losing.#itâs not like she had perfect happiness and it was just suddenly ripped away. it canât be that no matter what people say#which was the fear#the absolute strangled fear in Cornelia street#because the coldness was there first and the distance and the apathy. and then itâs not about being left and feeling rejected#itâs about seeing the truth and saying oh. youâre losing ME. Because you donât WANT this#idk if this makes sense but it is such a real life distinction to me#the difference between fears and reality#and of course that doesnât mean it isnât also a loss and a blow (a huge one) for her too#but itâs still not I wake up screaming from dreaming one day Iâll watch as youâre leaving#cause you got tired of my scheming#where the burden rests on her for the loss. as in the failure was innately in her#because youâre losing me still has âdonât read the last page cause I stayâ written on all over it#but then itâs seeing clearly tooâyou donât want this enough to stay#this Probably makes no sense#itâs just exactly how heartbreak happens in real times which is. Yeah exactly whatâs happening#the whole thing makes me so sad
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "đđźđđźâ" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) âwhy didn't he use đŤľđź?â didn't exist yet. âwhy didn't he use đ?â dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. đđź is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent đđźđđź as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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I think an underrated angle on 2x05 is something that either Jacob or Assad said in some interview somewhere, which is that in that episode Louis is addicted to heroin. Thats why he has that whole stash of drugs that he gives to Daniel, that's why he gives Daniel the drugs even though he's already got him alone. He didn't just use those 128 boys for sex he was using them to get high. Bring them home, get them to shoot up, and then drain them to get that secondhand high.
It clarifies something that's always confused me about that scene, which is why Armand saves Daniel the first time. He wouldn't save Daniel as a person, he clearly knows Daniel needs to die, but he's not seeing Daniel as a person there. Daniel is just a substance. He rips him away from Louis to stop him from using.
And i think that adds a whole other layer to the fight he and Armand have to think that this is Louis on a bender, with Armand cleaning up after him because he's not stable enough to. Louis in the bed for a week isn't just healing from the burns, he's going through withdrawal. Him at the table with Daniel giving him the "bright young reporter" speech is probably the first time he's been sober in months.
It adds another layer to Armand's desperation, that Louis has been running from both Armand and himself in this way, and of course Armand wants to erase that memory. Of course he wants to pretend that that fight never happened. Not just to protect himself but in a way to protect Louis from having said those things. When he describes the fight to Louis afterwards, he says "you said the worst things you've ever said to me." And he doesn't really know how to forgive Louis for that so he just wants to bury this rock-bottom moment and move on like it never happened. After all, Louis was high, he didn't really mean it, but if he remembers then maybe he might think that he had a point. Better to wipe the whole experience away.
#imagine youre in an eternal spite marriage with your ex who you're in love with because he's in love with your other ex#who youre also in love with#and your spitehusband who hates you turns to drugs to cope with the traumatic death of his daughter (which you caused but who's counting)#and you just follow him around cleaning up his messes and propping him up and keeping him alive#because despite everything you do love him#and you find him mid bender and he's told his life story to a reporter and he didn't even mention you#and you're just trying to protect him from himself so he doesn't pass out in a pool of blood on the floor#and he tells you that you're a burden#that youre the thing thats killing him#that 10 hours with a stranger made him feel more alive than your whole relationship#and he says that youre BORING#that all your trauma and grief and fear made you UNINTERESTING#yeah id do some saw trap shit too#blorboposting#benni proof#interview with the vampire#loumand#iwtv
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I have noticed a pattern & Iâm guilty of all of these
#no serious art yet only scribbles#I love this godforsaken sketchbook#making self indulgent shit instead of working on actual things â¤ď¸ yay#more gay malevolent fanart coming soon I fear#my art#malevolent#malevolent podcast#john doe malevolent#LOVE seeing john fanart going aww silly guy đ and then right under it the most horrific creature#its a little game in my head by now to look for which entity is on what end of the scale#lovecraftian memory cards u might say
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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How FNAF movie Mike would learn about Vanny
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#mike schmidt#fnaf vanny#fnaf vanessa#fnaf gregory#fnaf#fnaf movie#security breach#fnaf fanart#five nights at freddy's#I CAN just see so clearly out of all ways for Mike to find out#Gregory would just tell nonchalantly#now itâs only a question for how long he knew and Iâll let yall decide that#Mike simply doesnât fear Vanny just cause itâs game Vanessa#GREGORY the gremlin snitching on his sister like this#which is super on brand for him ngl đđž
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girl those heavenly officials are blessing..............
#tgcf#heaven officials blessing#tian guan ci fu#xie lian#hua cheng#feng xin#mu qing#xianle quartet#bai wuxiang#guzi#art#my art#fanart#drawing#sketch#in which muqing and fengxin didnt realise they were in a polycule but theyre not opposed to it#xielians a loser#and also a cutie patootie#im having TGCF brainrot again i fear i may need to reread
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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol âď¸ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts#course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism#being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people đ#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus#cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself#into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation#but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy#and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system#you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao#yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic#aromanticism#aro positivity#aroace#arospec#sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon#you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better#life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not#i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao
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please can we stop describing bigots as delusional. please. im so fucking tired. someone being sucked into a hate group surrounded by others who believe minorities should be oppressed and encouraging them to believe in conspiracy theories that the rest of the group believes, is fundamentally different from someone having a mental illness that causes delusions.
delusions, by definition, cannot be explained by things like cultural background - such as having a belief constantly reinforced by intentional attempts to rationalize it for the sake of maintaining power over minorities. yes, someone can be both delusional and a bigot, and yes conspiracy theories can feed into delusions, but the two are not fucking synonymous.
i did not spend my teen years convinced that i was being stalked by demons just to hear so many of you people equate my disability with incel behavior and genocidal propaganda. stop reinforcing harmful connotations about mental health struggles.
#ok to rb#mental health advocate#mental health advocacy#mental health awareness#ableism cw#sanism cw#madpunk#neuropunk#actually delusional#actually schizospec#im not gonna interact with the post that prompted this#because i do agree with everything that was said and dont want to sound like im defending the assholes discussed#but i also am still fucking pissed about seeing a bunch of misogynistic jackasses compared to a disability#which has caused me immense fear and suffering#and guess what! my delusions were never ''women shouldnt have rights'' or whatever else#bc thats not a delusion thats a tool of the partriarchy to maintain the status quo#genocide cw#to be safe
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the narcissist fools himself
#IM GETTING A BAD GRADE IN POLYSHO WEEK WHICH IS NORMAL TO FEAR AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE.#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#proseka#polysho#polysho week 2024#tsukasa tenma#emu otori#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#domt scroll dowm to when i pisted the sketch a year ago actually. should i delete that#Nah who give a fuck#They dont need to know that i drew this over a year ago and touched it up c all of my other drawings for this theme sre too ambitious#I cant draw a fucking merrygoround. Who am i kidding.#I posted this now so i can stop adding minute gradient maps to it for a 0.2 percent color difference. must sleep. farewell.#more polysho week to come. the day 5 prompt.. well. heh#also FUCK i want to do day 4 too bc i love the yokai theme but thats Today and i AAAAAHG ok stop itz GOONIGHT.#funny drawing for the guy that turned romeo and juliet into fortnite. stop crying and hop on duos
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Just some suitless!Vader as Emperor for the soul.
#darth vader#anakin skywalker#star wars fanart#swart#swfanart#digital art#digital painting#artists on tumblr#spartanfoxart creations#you attract what you fear AAAAHHH suitless vader !!#tumblr kills just how RED this piece is and makes it look more brown than red T_T#which is unfortunate#but alas-- i'm blind from working in this color scheme
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#my art#fear and hunger#fear and hunger termina#f&h#fear and hunger fanart#fear and hunger marina#drawn while having gothic pink by tommy heavenly6 on repeat#which shaped this whole piece#i love giving her crosses everywhere#alllmer loves me#fanart#illustration#artists on tumblr#havent been drawing cause work and unj (â`д´)â
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ravage is #1 personal space stealer and heater, 10/10 would recommend having him as an amica. usually he'd be sleeping curled around soundwave's head but the other cassettes are out harassing starscream on patrol, so soundwave's chest is free real estate
anyways send me asks with ur soundwave and ravage hcs and mayhaps i'll draw them soon
#transformers#maccadam#maccadams#transformers art#tf art#transformers fanart#tf fanart#transformers idw#idw transformers#idw1#idw tf#tf idw#soundwave#idw soundwave#ravage#idw ravage#i need to make more serious ravage posts again ive been too silly the past few months. far too silly.#i have a bunch of silly asks in my inbox rn which are very fun but i havent really dug into ravage as a character lately and i fear ive mad#her too silly. too sweet#need her to kill someone rq#i love the idea of her and soundwave being amicas but as the war goes on they become more like begrudging co-workers and it#genuinely is the worst thing that ever happens to either of them.#from strangers to friends to comrades to coworkers to a boss and his underling and it makes both of them so so ill#they reunite and reconnect tho no worries#havent been super active lately and probably wont be super active for the next while either. will get to stuff when i can but#agh
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Scholarly peak is catching up on recent literature
#bingqiu#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#svsss#sqq#lbh#my art#which is honestly just to say that i've finished the other two print books i was reading#and am now prepared to leap feet first into svsss bk4#i succeeded in holding off for an entire two weeks. i have the conviction of a wet paper towel.#lets see bk4 was described as - what? - an ''angst and smut pile''??#i am very much looking forward to this#i was promised a story with my snake boy#because i am very much not over zhuzhi-lang's fate so this had better be A REALLY NICE HAPPY ONE FOLKS#anyway have sqq and lbh cuddling and reading as i project on them#i like to assume that as time goes on sqq is able to relax his persona a bit more around lbh#i think he should get to cuddle and bitch about shitty novels#but man sqh is really the ONLY source of any books that have an even slightly modern cadence/style i have a feeling sqq would be very keen#though if i'm being honest i really wonder if sqh could ever bring himself to write fiction again#if you're A Writer it tends to be hard to RESIST you just get an itch to tell a story#but also like... the fear that all of this could happen again... or that the characters you're creating might be REAL and SUFFERING...#yeah... i honestly suspect he can't write anymore and that it honestly probably sucks a lot... but for the sake of this joke he is :P
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little scrapped comic bc it felt a bit ooc to me in hindsight
#tbb#the bad batch#the bad batch season 2#the bad batch season 3#tbb tech#tbb omega#i was worried that this wouldnât really come across as i intended#iâve heard a lot of people complain about the characterization of tech in fanon#they make him a lot less capable than he is in canon just because he is the ânerdâ of the team#which i totally agree with#so i didnât want it to seem like i was doing the same#i just think that tech would have a difficultly expressing some of his vulnerability around his brothers because they are so often stoic#(and frequently make fun of one another)#and omega might be the first person he feels comfortable in letting that side of him show#idk#just a sweet idea to me#anyway i decided i wasnât going to finish this because of my fear of being misinterpreted but i did like how these sketches turned out#so here :)#a little treat#mods art#my art#mods draws#star wars#sw tbb#star wars the bad batch
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He watches him like a ghost
#or like a mother bird#i could write essays on merlins devotion to arthur i fear#but i'm too tired to form any comprehensible thought tonight except holding up a picture of them and crying#the tragedy of bbc merlin strikes yet again#Merlin devotion borders on obsessive if we think too hard#actually no it IS obsessive who are we kidding#which is why i think i really enjoy dark! merthur Au's#by s5 he was not far from reaching that point#but oOH the way they care for each other#merlin#bbc merlin#merthur#merthur fanart#merlin fanart#merlin art#merthur art#bbc merlin fanart#ps. shoutout if you recognise the reference used for this pose!#sketch#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon
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