#which was the fear
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all the lyrics across Taylor’s past 5 albums about how she hopes she doesn’t lose him (hopes he doesn’t leave, hopes it never ends) only to arrive at her saying “you’re losing me.”
#the moment where it shifts in any relationship#where it goes from this fear of losing something to realizing that the loss is inevitable beCAUSE a person doesn’t want you#like. in a way her fears didn’t come true. because she didn’t do the losing.#it’s not like she had perfect happiness and it was just suddenly ripped away. it can’t be that no matter what people say#which was the fear#the absolute strangled fear in Cornelia street#because the coldness was there first and the distance and the apathy. and then it’s not about being left and feeling rejected#it’s about seeing the truth and saying oh. you’re losing ME. Because you don’t WANT this#idk if this makes sense but it is such a real life distinction to me#the difference between fears and reality#and of course that doesn’t mean it isn’t also a loss and a blow (a huge one) for her too#but it’s still not I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving#cause you got tired of my scheming#where the burden rests on her for the loss. as in the failure was innately in her#because you’re losing me still has ‘don’t read the last page cause I stay’ written on all over it#but then it’s seeing clearly too—you don’t want this enough to stay#this Probably makes no sense#it’s just exactly how heartbreak happens in real times which is. Yeah exactly what’s happening#the whole thing makes me so sad
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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if there was ever a tv adaptation of the magnus archives i think sasha should be played by the same person as notsasha the whole time.
there are perhaps a few polaroids shown briefly in the background with someone you don't recognize during s1, but they disappear in s2.
in the end, the viewer doesn't remember the 'real' sasha either, because she was never acting in the show. all you have is memories of notsasha.
the first time we actually see the actor in the pictures from s1 is in the flashbacks at the beginning of s5; sasha and tim talking, jon's birthday, sweet memories that just- don't seem quite right, even though you know this is the true version.
#anyways#been thinking about this a lot lately for some reason#something something the audience is complacent and complicit with the atrocities of the media and are forced to confront their own moral#reason for finding enjoyment in the show#something something the viewer is the Mass Entity of Fear which terrorizes this world#feeding off of their terror#the magnus archives#tma#tma spoilers#sasha james#not sasha#jonathan sims
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I think an underrated angle on 2x05 is something that either Jacob or Assad said in some interview somewhere, which is that in that episode Louis is addicted to heroin. Thats why he has that whole stash of drugs that he gives to Daniel, that's why he gives Daniel the drugs even though he's already got him alone. He didn't just use those 128 boys for sex he was using them to get high. Bring them home, get them to shoot up, and then drain them to get that secondhand high.
It clarifies something that's always confused me about that scene, which is why Armand saves Daniel the first time. He wouldn't save Daniel as a person, he clearly knows Daniel needs to die, but he's not seeing Daniel as a person there. Daniel is just a substance. He rips him away from Louis to stop him from using.
And i think that adds a whole other layer to the fight he and Armand have to think that this is Louis on a bender, with Armand cleaning up after him because he's not stable enough to. Louis in the bed for a week isn't just healing from the burns, he's going through withdrawal. Him at the table with Daniel giving him the "bright young reporter" speech is probably the first time he's been sober in months.
It adds another layer to Armand's desperation, that Louis has been running from both Armand and himself in this way, and of course Armand wants to erase that memory. Of course he wants to pretend that that fight never happened. Not just to protect himself but in a way to protect Louis from having said those things. When he describes the fight to Louis afterwards, he says "you said the worst things you've ever said to me." And he doesn't really know how to forgive Louis for that so he just wants to bury this rock-bottom moment and move on like it never happened. After all, Louis was high, he didn't really mean it, but if he remembers then maybe he might think that he had a point. Better to wipe the whole experience away.
#imagine youre in an eternal spite marriage with your ex who you're in love with because he's in love with your other ex#who youre also in love with#and your spitehusband who hates you turns to drugs to cope with the traumatic death of his daughter (which you caused but who's counting)#and you just follow him around cleaning up his messes and propping him up and keeping him alive#because despite everything you do love him#and you find him mid bender and he's told his life story to a reporter and he didn't even mention you#and you're just trying to protect him from himself so he doesn't pass out in a pool of blood on the floor#and he tells you that you're a burden#that youre the thing thats killing him#that 10 hours with a stranger made him feel more alive than your whole relationship#and he says that youre BORING#that all your trauma and grief and fear made you UNINTERESTING#yeah id do some saw trap shit too#blorboposting#benni proof#interview with the vampire#loumand#iwtv
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Pathetic podcast protagonist is such a male dominated industry
Petition for more women to be pathetic podcast protagonists. Like yes queen, experience the horrors
#unless i’m just stupid and am missing out on a secret goldmine of podcasts where women are the pathetic protags#in which case#pleasepleasepleaseplease recommend them to me#i need more podcasts anyway#fiction podcast#malevolent#the magnus archives#welcome to night vale#wolf 359#kind of#w359 has some epic female characters that i love so much but i fear theyre all too badass#what i need here are more genuine idiots#give me girlfailure content#deviser podcast#the penumbra podcast#idk can yall tell im really tired#I’m talking extreme wet cat energy here#do you understand
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Etho's behavior in session 5 was frankly unhinged. he killed Bdubs' horse IN FRONT OF HIM and managed to get away scot-free in the chaos of the situation. AND THEN he stole the chicken farm hopper while HALF THE TEAM was in their base without them noticing, tried to trade it BACK to them, and finally returned it after GAINING THEIR ALLIANCE? what even. good for him.
#no one else is doing it like him. except for maybe 3rd life Impulse. and we all know how that worked out for him#speaking of. Impulse expressing fear that His trident which he gave to Etho would be used to stab him in the back???#I wonder why he would worry about that. haha.#I'm so ill#Etho is so thoroughly unreadable it is frankly anyone's guess if he intends to betray his new alliance#my money is on no outright betrayal but he basically continues to live with BET until everyone goes red and he wants more friends#wild life spoilers#wild life smp#ethoslab#trafficblr#life series
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Stan quite literally chewing his was way out of that trunk he got shoved into and left for dead ✨
#my art#gravity falls#stan pines#stanley pines#mullet stan#tadaaaaaa#how lil me first pictured and which I now headcanon happened#like I've seen posts around asking how tf he chewed his way out of the trunk#and I always pictured him breaking through the back of the back seats#then chewing his way through the foam and cushion padding of those seats#all rapid and hyperventilating with fear panic and adrenaline#I mean biting through metal is funny af and could explain the further loss of his teeth#but I gotta stick with lil 12 year me's vision#plus him squirming and wiggling for dear life to get through the torn fake leather and foam fills me with joy#wereboof au#yes#this is canon in my slow foaming werewolf au for him#ssshhh
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I have noticed a pattern & I’m guilty of all of these
#no serious art yet only scribbles#I love this godforsaken sketchbook#making self indulgent shit instead of working on actual things ❤️ yay#more gay malevolent fanart coming soon I fear#my art#malevolent#malevolent podcast#john doe malevolent#LOVE seeing john fanart going aww silly guy 😍 and then right under it the most horrific creature#its a little game in my head by now to look for which entity is on what end of the scale#lovecraftian memory cards u might say
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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girl those heavenly officials are blessing..............
#tgcf#heaven officials blessing#tian guan ci fu#xie lian#hua cheng#feng xin#mu qing#xianle quartet#bai wuxiang#guzi#art#my art#fanart#drawing#sketch#in which muqing and fengxin didnt realise they were in a polycule but theyre not opposed to it#xielians a loser#and also a cutie patootie#im having TGCF brainrot again i fear i may need to reread
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How FNAF movie Mike would learn about Vanny
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#mike schmidt#fnaf vanny#fnaf vanessa#fnaf gregory#fnaf#fnaf movie#security breach#fnaf fanart#five nights at freddy's#I CAN just see so clearly out of all ways for Mike to find out#Gregory would just tell nonchalantly#now it’s only a question for how long he knew and I’ll let yall decide that#Mike simply doesn’t fear Vanny just cause it’s game Vanessa#GREGORY the gremlin snitching on his sister like this#which is super on brand for him ngl 🙏🏾
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Just some suitless!Vader as Emperor for the soul.
#darth vader#anakin skywalker#star wars fanart#swart#swfanart#digital art#digital painting#artists on tumblr#spartanfoxart creations#you attract what you fear AAAAHHH suitless vader !!#tumblr kills just how RED this piece is and makes it look more brown than red T_T#which is unfortunate#but alas-- i'm blind from working in this color scheme
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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts#course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism#being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people 👍#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus#cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself#into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation#but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy#and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system#you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao#yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic#aromanticism#aro positivity#aroace#arospec#sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon#you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better#life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not#i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao
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some people go to college to make more money. i go to college to write more danny phantom fanfiction. we are not the same
#danny phantom#tayscreams#im a disgrace to the creative writing major i fear#its not even reskinned fanfiction of danny phantom its reskinned fanfiction of a snapping sound#WHICH IS ITSELF DANNY PHANTOM FANFICTION#I SUBMITTED FANFICTION OF A FANFICTION OF A CHILDRENS SHOW AND GOT IN#i deserve to be stoned to death i think#now my friends are telling me i should do my independent honors project over danny phantom fanfiction#which would require me to admit to a professor that yknow all those stories i’ve been writing about ghosts and death? yeah…haha…about that..#anyway. follow your dreams or something
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y'all remember s3? this is basically what those first few episodes were like for arthur
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#john malevolent#yellow malevolent#<- i think this might be my first time yellowposting on this blog which is crazy work tbh#i was relistening to ep 21 specifically and yikes arthur#bbg did NOT handle yellow very well i fear
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please can we stop describing bigots as delusional. please. im so fucking tired. someone being sucked into a hate group surrounded by others who believe minorities should be oppressed and encouraging them to believe in conspiracy theories that the rest of the group believes, is fundamentally different from someone having a mental illness that causes delusions.
delusions, by definition, cannot be explained by things like cultural background - such as having a belief constantly reinforced by intentional attempts to rationalize it for the sake of maintaining power over minorities. yes, someone can be both delusional and a bigot, and yes conspiracy theories can feed into delusions, but the two are not fucking synonymous.
i did not spend my teen years convinced that i was being stalked by demons just to hear so many of you people equate my disability with incel behavior and genocidal propaganda. stop reinforcing harmful connotations about mental health struggles.
#ok to rb#mental health advocate#mental health advocacy#mental health awareness#ableism cw#sanism cw#madpunk#neuropunk#actually delusional#actually schizospec#im not gonna interact with the post that prompted this#because i do agree with everything that was said and dont want to sound like im defending the assholes discussed#but i also am still fucking pissed about seeing a bunch of misogynistic jackasses compared to a disability#which has caused me immense fear and suffering#and guess what! my delusions were never ''women shouldnt have rights'' or whatever else#bc thats not a delusion thats a tool of the partriarchy to maintain the status quo#genocide cw#to be safe
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