#which was a problem bc the power was out
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i am so tired of everything all the time
#today in general just sucked#it’s snowing so i’m in horrific amounts of pain from both the cold and the barometric pressure#power went out#water went out#work was kinda cancelled but not really bc i still had to wfh#which was a problem bc the power was out#no wifi. no charging anything. hotspot is crashing every five minutes.#i had to sit in my car to charge my phone in the freezing cold#TWICE because i was still on the clock and had to keep doing things but my laptop was dead#had an interview today that went terribly bc i kept getting dropped from the zoom meeting and the dog wouldn’t stop barking#i looked so unprofessional#THEN we had a department meeting for work! on zoom! and they CHANGED the time so i was 30 min late#missed my cue to speak#couldn’t get my powerpoint to work properly#lost my script halfway through#now it’s 7pm and i haven’t eaten bc i couldn’t use the kitchen#and i just realized i still can’t even tho the power is back#bc i have to BOIL ALL THE FUCKING WATER because of a pump failure#whatever#who give a hell#throwing myself into the james
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Kinda in regards to the Empress & BodyGuard 2-
Is Zaphira (sorry if I spelled her name wrong) an elf or do humans have pointed ears in your universe? If no elves, how do the pointed ears happen? Are there different length of ears and if so do they mean somethin?
Love your art & use of colours!
Thank you! and thank you for asking! (this sketch took me way too long .. and the colors still look washed out on my desktop screen but im not editing a third time ..)
Zaphira is human, there are no elves, as such, in this world, though humans tend to live longer than IRL and have differently shaped ears-
the shapes are rather diverse (example above) and culturally (so far) they have no significance, they are merely a trait just like different nose shapes or fantasy hair colors
the worldbuilding reason is that these are extremely diluted demonic influences- in the past demons were frequently in the human world, though largely in secret/disguised, and long time exposure to demonic presences can have varying effects, the most immediate and common being a longer life or wounds healing faster than normal; there might have been other long time effects but the only trait that stayed even after their disappearance is the ear shapes
(there was a mass extinction event of demons that wiped out all above a certain age, since demons generally dont die of natural causes their life neither depends nor revolves around reproduction so there were extremely few left and those were too young to keep most of their knowledge and culture alive, as they rarely wrote anything down; Shargon is of the current oldest generation and witnessed it happen, just like most now adult demons, Thor and Eadrya are both a bit older than him and thus the oldest living demons, which doesnt mean much considering the technically endless lifespans of them)
and to explain me including Shargon in a human appearance- hes the only demon that spends as much time in the human world as at home, largely to escape the others since they are not interested in going there and would otherwise attack him any chance they get (the human world is rather uncomfortable for demons to be in and they have better things to do than to chase him that far), while hes generally very weak compared to them, something he is very good at is shape shifting, mainly the speed of which, being able to shift between full demon and the smaller more humanoid form extremely quickly, or even mid forms that are a mix of both - even in motion! while for the others it takes them quite a bit and forces them to stop which is the main reason he keeps escaping them not able to keep up with his rapid shape shifting (though it does take its toll .. also a reason hes so skinny)
he is the first (only?) one that at some point will learn how to shift into a much more human looking one (depicted in the sketch) too, but its rather dangerous since it involves supressing and compressing his demon heart and system... which is what keeps demons alive (its somewhat like holding your breath for way too long) so the only time he would make use of it is in extreme situations, like avoiding detection by maschines that can pick up demonic energy or escaping shackles made of celestial silver (which drains their energy and can scar/hurt them permanently, like silver to vampires(?werewolfs?) in a way)
....the point is that if he shifts into a human form he has very long ears, meaning that is basically the extreme form that doesnt occur in humans and hints at the origins for those ear shapes being demonic exposure in the past
#ganondoodles#art#original characters#original art#oc#ocs#oc lore#man i cant ever keep it short can i#its 1am again ............#welll i hope that answers your question njdflndflnjlsd#also as a sidenote- zaphira and midas are siblings but not biologically#she was adopted into the royal family and is good chunk older than midas as he was born a while after shes been there#he was supposed to take the throne after their parents died in an allegedly accidental fire but he was like ... 6 at the time#and begged her to take up the throne instead despite the people not being very fond of her due to her agressive nature#.... which was proven correct in a way given she waged war for many years after taking up the crown#(.. bc she found out their parents were killed by a neighbouring country and the fire placed to get rid of traces)#(no one but her and a few officials knew of that being the real reason she attacked that country and not just a lust for power)#(midas still doesnt know -even now)#( though it got out of control and she ended up taking over multiple countries .. hence her title)#(after her wife died she swore to never engage in war again and been spending the last .. 20?30? years trying to repair the damage she did)#just adding that again bc its kinda central to her entire problem of everyone and their grandmother wanting her dead#and her being determined to do as much as she can before midas has to take over and pick up the pieces#..............though none of it goes as planned of course#ANYWAY i need sleep#sorry for the long text spam#i cant help but yap about my special lil guys
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A tangent from the tags of my previous Pharma post (and I just thought about this so bear w/ me if it's hastily reasoned) is that the Autobots being generally sanctimonious is actually sort of a reason why I find a lot of IDW Optimus interpretations to miss the mark, specifically the accusations of calling him stuff like self-righteous, caring more about principles than people, etc. And I know that sounds really ironic, but out of every Autobot (and almost every character period), Optimus is one of the few people who has a very forgiving/humanistic perspective on life or at least has a political approach of "if we don't stop fucking fighting we're going to be at war forever and eventually just kill ourselves."
He very explicitly wanted a diplomatic end to the war and not a military victory/conquest. He extended multiple offers to Megatron personally to work together and end the war (Autocracy trilogy, which was pre/early war, and Chaos Theory, which was late/end war, so from this we can assume Optimus' stance was consistent the whole time). When ppl hated him so bad they rioted he removed himself from the planet rather than argue or fight to justify why his actions were the best he could do. Sandstorm starts murdering Decepticons and Optimus solves the murders and then throws Sandstorm in prison bc sparing one of his Autobots the consequences of his actions is less important to Optimus than keeping the peace and making sure anyone who threatens to ignite wartime hostilities is punished for it. There are multiple characters throughout the series that other people give up on as too far gone or too cowardly/evil/damaged to be worth helping where Optimus alone is the person who says "I think they can get better/they did bad things but they're still people" such as the Dynobots, Blurr, Prowl (despite how OP's patience with him hung by a thread by the end of it), Shockwave, and, yknow, fucking Megatron of all people.
And on top of that Optimus' internal thoughts most of the time revolve around feelings of guilt, responsibility, anger, hopelessness/barely hanging on to his ideals, and so on. Bro regularly has thoughts about how the entire Autobot-Decepticon war was his fault and is depressed to the point the thought of dying/martyring himself makes him feel relieved. So like. Idk guys I don't think those are the personality traits/actions of a self-righteous person who thinks he's correct about everything and everyone who opposes him or fails his moral standards is just evil or whatever.
#squiggposting#idw op love#it's one of those things where i'm very nitpicky about idw optimus characterizations yknow#bc there are many times where like there are seeds of valid criticisms or interesting ideas in fanon#but they fall short of being insightful or interesting to me bc they fundamentally don't understand idw op#be it out of ignorance of canon or like tweaking his characterization to fit whatever story they want to tell personally#which like that's how fanon works it's not like i'm railing against alternate character interpretations#it's just that that's AN INTERPRETATION of idw op but it isn't actually idw op to me#in order to criticize something you have to understand it and ime most people don't understand idw op#or at the very least if you characterize idw op as self righteous he's self righteous in a very specific way that isn't like. overtly evil#i think the problem is a lot of ppl write idw op as selfrighteous either out of ignorance or out of some sort of moral grandstanding#neither of which are correct bc OP is very aware of his fallibility + judges ppl but is also incredibly forgiving/open to redemption#i'd need to review canon but like. idw op is self righteous in that he decides what the best thing to do is and then does it#whether other ppl like it or not. so it's more about his relationship w authority and power than it is 'oh he's judgemental and ignorant'
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it's strange seeing people trying to make out fandom discourse as this new invention created by 2016 tumblr callouts and tiktok users when i've seen those same takes on deviantart stamps and youtube back in 2010
#there was never a time of peace in general. go deep into certain circles and you'll see it's been there and always have been.#i remember going on tumblr and seeing these total drama confession blogs that were basically people submitting users they didn't like#so no one can be held accountable because there's just a poster and the anon who you don't even know#or the plethora of youtube deviantart rants which were either ranting against other users for shipping a character with their 'mary sue' oc#while ignoring the actual problem at hand if there was any at all. can't forget the iconic oc cringe comps#and there's only one thing i'll admit is that it has been more ''widespread'' like more people would know about it and bring attnetion to i#but the effect isn't as long lasting as it was then because you'll just scroll and block and move on#versus having a whole blog documenting and nitpicking on your art and posts and comments because you shipped sonic and your oc#and because she was graded ~too powerful~ on the rubric she is a bad oc and unless you change her you aren't going to meet a moment of peace#bc you know im tired of these posts floating around claiming that there wasn't as much discourse or bullying back then#when the reality is that op blocked it out of their mind or ignored it
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My controversial jjk take is that mahito should've remained the main threat/antagonist throughout the whole thing
#the thing with sukuna was that despite all his efforts to be a curse he was ultimately deeply human#and as powerful of a threat as he was that fact would never go away (which is why his ending was a sort of second chance/redemption)#same with kenjaku to an extent#kenjaku finally found someone to keep them entertained for a long. long time and not abandon them like tengen.#their reason to change was also deeply human they were very starved for company/connection in a way that most mortal humans couldn't provide#meanwhile mahito wants none of that#mahito's entire existence is an antithesis to every positive human emotion he literally is the only lasting permanent scars on yuuji#I feel like gege fumbled the human/curse dichotomy in the story the moment it became about people vs people#bc the story became way more focused on individual good and bad apples as apposed to the whole that it started out being about#I feel like gege bringing mahito back for the final conversation was him acknowledging this#gege could've still had gojo die by sukuna's hand and have the whole shinjuku showdown play out#but then it could've continued to be about the curses the story started out wamting to eradicate#sukuna was never the 'sole' only problem in the world he was merely an example of what this system makes#I feel like gege just gave up on those bigger picture themes for the purpose of shallower but character focused conclusions#which doesn't work for me at all tbh#the people who inherited the sorcery world might not be as bad as the original higher ups but they are NOT good#this is better but only just barely#jjk spoilers#jjk 271#idk i'm rambling
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One of the things that stands out the most to me about succession on the rewatch is how many hugely significant plot points only happen because at some point someone was feeling petty.
#it reminds me of that jesse armstrong quote where he said the problem isn't that the kids are evil bc they're not they're just very flawed#the problem is that they have so much power that the impact of their shortcomings is amplified to a massive scale and can seriously#fuck up other people's lives#kendall backs mencken in the election to get back at shiv for teaming up w mattson behind his back#shiv only asks for more money in the gojo deal (which put logan on the plane) bc she's mad at logan for giving tom divorce advice#logan snapped at the waiter and got him kicked out (which then put him in kendall's path and ready to leave) bc he was mad at kendall for#the bear hug letter#caroline floated going w sandi and stewy to mess with logan which is why they re-open the divorce agreement#there are like a million of these. you can follow every major plot bit back and at the very start of 90% of them it's just one person doing#something out of spite bc they're pissed off#idk it's just really good narratively#succession#kendall roy#siobhan roy#shiv roy#roman roy#connor roy#logan roy#tom wambsgans
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#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#okay but this made me laugh so hard just because of how much it reminds me of misao JSJSJ LOL because she has had like casual 'flings'-#with people and is an addictive personality as i've talked about here once which includes her being a love junkie + getting into-#relationships with people because she is in love with the IDEA of being in love though falling in love with someone can't just happen-#like magic as it involves a bunch of hormones and stuff but misao kind of somewhat hopes that this person of interest to her will somehow-#complete her life anyhow which... yeah can definitely raise a few problems as people with a love addiction often attract love-#avoidant people because both of these types of people generally have a fear of being abandoned and controlled.#but whenever it comes to love-avoidant individual's they're also emotionally unavailable so 😬#it's unfortunately kinddd of a recipe for an unhealthy relationship that could very well lead to the both of them being in a bad place-#once they break up as misao as a love addict is constantly seeking out new love in particular as a lot of excitement and good feelings-#come with this particular type of love in particular. so yeahhh - i know that this may be a bit of a weird picture to do a meta to but-#SHHH lol i just thought it could possibly relate to her more long-term relationships that she's had with people as misao-#tends to avoid feelings of vulnerability with people as you may all know and so this leads to both her + the other person not really-#knowing what they are BC they haven't really established that deeper connection even though they've been together for a while.#not to say that i'm trying to blame misao for having problems with opening up or anything like that but she has a very disorganized-#attachment style i think and that leads to her often doing this continuous 'push and pull' thing in her romantic/sexual ships#where one moment she will want to be attached to the hip to them but the next she will be cold and distant from them.#so yeahhh. misao is honestly kind of like what i've said barton is before: a cake inside of a cake because i feel like she's got sides of-#herself that she doesn't even know about because she's been scared of being fully emotionally vulnerable with someone for a while now sadly#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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I may or may not be compiling a chronological list of nearly every locomotive ever directly because of starlight express
#I’ve got down 103 locos so far#this was born out of frustration of not being able to find a chronological list of electric trains#bc visually Electra looks most like the SNCF CC40100#like their helmet n shit#which makes sense because they’re quad voltage and not ac or dc (like in the song) and also incooperated several different#innovations in electric locomotives#but it also doesn’t make any sense. bc the cc 40100 was like from the 60s and Electra is the engine of the future and everything#so I wanted to look at what electic locos were made in the 80s for autism purposes#anyways. I did land on one- there are two prototypes made in the 80s based on the cc 40100#which is the SNCF BB 20011 and the SNCF BB 20012#which have the same visual design as the cc 40100 and when you look up pictures of em have lightning bolts on the side#and they’re prototypes which I like to imagine Electra is#and they’re only dual voltage not quad voltage but Electra’s like ac dc it’s okay by me so it still fits#admittedly they weren’t really prototyping anything exciting and I would’ve preferred an american engine as opposed to a french one but#beggars can’t be choosers.#if you can’t tell by now this entire post was an excuse to infodump about trains#so I am going to tag the stex fandom. to make my train autism everyone else’s problem#idk if the tag will even register I once read that only the first seven tags actually make any effect on the tagging system but who caressss#stex#the story of the locomotive who raced against a horse and lost and the locomotive that was powered by a horse shall wait till another day.
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did you watch tua s4 and if so what did you think :3
yeah i watched it
#crazy to be reminded that happened i've been trying to block it out of my mind since august but sure#honest thoughts: i've been kind of checked out since s3 was so mid but i didn't expect s4 to be THAT bad#i thought it was a terrible season with very few redeeming qualities especially when it came to five's storyline#pretty much completely nonsensical and removed from everything i liked about the first two seasons#also just lazy. like the plot doesn't make sense. why is jennifer in a squid. how did reg wipe their minds and why did he only do it once#why can you see other people's memories in the memory returning machine somehow#why did they hire a 13 year old in the fbi and how did he get such a high ranking position#what was the point of sewing all that irritation between diego and lila out of nowhere and why are they trying pretend diego was fat#what happened to sloane. what happened to allison's deal with reg.#if no one remembered ben's death why did they all talk about it like they did and how did klaus never notice that w ghost ben#why do they all care so much about a version of ben they didn't grow up with who hates them#how would five's initial plan for the subway fix everything if stopping the jennifer incident#would only save the ben who died in their timeline and not the one from the sparrow timeline who is causing the problem#if he knew they could timeline jump w the subway why wouldn't they just jump back in time to their original timeline#why is everyone in this world part of the jean and gene cult or whatever like there's no characters outside their circle who aren't involve#why does allison have new powers and why did she use them instead of her rumoring when she was trying to get info out of someone#and of course. what was the point of all that.#soundtrack wasn't even good. we used to be a society.#anyways. i liked viktor's bar and the implication that he still sucks so bad at dating#and five's ash ketchum haircut was fun.#i don't care about this season at all otherwise and i like to pretend it never happened so i can still enjoy the show and characters <3#which is very is easy bc it was so mindblowingly stupid it doesn't even feel real
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Your honor my client simply wanted to fuck around and find out
#mel's musings#briefly interrupting my hiatus to leave this here#context: i found a remaster of joking motive with the bw2 soundfont on youtube#and it gave me the absolutely HILARIOUS mental image of raymond shields as colress' defense lawyer#you know. because of the whole ecoterrorism thing (re: freezing an entire city just bc he was curious about kyurem's power)#cause like. there's NO WAY that didn't kill people right#there's no way there weren't some poor folks walking around the streets that got blasted w/ unbreakable ice#(oc tangent: denise nearly died in this attack and has permanent ptsd and aversion to ice/cold in general as a result)#AND YET the dude seemingly suffers no consequences for it. he's still just chilling on team plasma's ship in the postgame#which always made no sense to me because ghetsis and the sages got arrested in bw1 (even if the former escaped)#n's a different story because he was being groomed. but colress has no such excuse#either the pokemon world's justice system is REALLY lax or he had a really good lawyer#and guess what brilliant idea i just had today. i would SO be fleshing this out more if my brain wasn't still eating itself alive#↖️ this user is not normal about raymond shields ace attorney and you best believe she's going to make it everyone's problem#forest for the tree
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wanting to visit the archives without looking like a fanatic bc nobody likes posting government documents online apparently
#this is why i hate politics people do shit without proof all the time#and they do it from the both sides so even if i hate one i have to look at the other one and be like please get some proof just because the#are known liars does not put you in a pure truth position simply by disagreeing with them and i really need to like you#so i have to dig for the information myself bc i am done jumping to conclusions after watching reels and then jumping to news articles#created either after the reel or by some random sentence somebody said and then it gets picked up by bigger news outlets#bc NOBODY FACT CHECKS ANYMORE its all abt speed first ig#so i have to check credentials i am not blind hating and fearing anymore#like my dad said information is the most valuable thing rn and the problem is when the government hides it#also get your party out of the protests<3#it is made by the citizens to fight injustice not to put you in charge you have to work on that yourself not by simply being -the others-#bc that is how we got into this mess in the first place#and it discredits the people's concerns so much bc now it's party moves and not citizen unhappiness with the system#which is a story they could not have spun if they did not get involved so clearly i mean dude#will not even going to get into the fucking embarrassing kind of gaslighting the government is doing#they are literally looking at photos and saying nuh uh when faced with bullet proof evidence and then bullshitting#which is so offensive bc at least fucking care enough to lie well but they know they can say the sky is green and they will still stay in#power so why give a fuck i guess#0 notes to me#i am sorry for the rant#i just have to let this off my chest somewhere
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there’s an alternate universe out there where when you reach the sanctum in totk when “zelda” does her little cutscene she ends it by throwing a dagger at you and it whistles just past link’s head as he reacts in shock before readying himself for battle and then you regain control of him as a boss bar appears at the top of the screen that reads “Puppet Zelda, Twisted Memory”
and Link is forced to fight the one he swore he would protect and has been chasing after the entire game, and instead of a sage offering him warnings or encouragement the Zelda belittles him and accuses him of abandoning her and failing her and leaving her to die
and her attacks at the beginning of the fight are those bursts of bright light and the daggers but as you whittle down her health and begin stage two the facade begins to slip and the light bursts are replaced with darkness and she oozes gloom wherever she moves and her movements become more stiff and skeletal and broken
and then once you’ve defeated her she rises into the air all broken and limp but still looking at you and says that it doesn’t matter that she wasn’t zelda because zelda is still gone, trapped in the past with no way to come home she could be burried anywhere in hyrule, and she summons a dark bow of light and draws it back as a red-purple bulging mass begins to form at the arrow tip
and that’s when the sages turn up, sidon unleashing a wave that pushes the bow aside, tulin firing an arrow that riju uses to cast down lightning, and yunobo at link’s side, and they all have their own line of dialogue that boils down to ‘don’t worry link, there’s no way that’s zelda, she would never say those horrible things, and we know she’s still out there because you heard her true voice, so don’t lose hope!’
and then zelda dissolves into gloom with a fit of that uncanny laughter and that’s when that megamind-style ganondorf head appears and makes his whole speech about how they have no idea who he is or was and you get his memory and that he has waited all his imprisonment to battle against link and prove that he is the strongest in hyrule, ‘and then you will fall, link, as rauru and zelda did, knowing that hyrule falls with you. Come to the Depths beneath this wretched castle, and meet your fate, o destined hero.’
and then the zelda-gloom melts away into a heart, and the sages have that post-battle talk about re-grouping at lookout landing, and tell link not to do anything rash because they will find the real zelda together
#totk spoilers#totk#i just. we were robbed of a puppet zelda fight imo#don’t spend all that time building up a creepy ganon-controlled zelda and then get me right where she wants me then give me some phantoms#i can fight phantom ganons whenever i want they’re in set locations with gloom hands!!! Give me a unique boss battle that sets up ganon’s#final plans and properly wraps up the first arc of the game where ganon is leading you as zelda to collect the spiritual stones#so that he can take them from everybody’s corpses when he defeats you and gain even more power#at least. that’s what i want his plan to be bc it makes the most sense i haven’t exactly gone to fight him yet >-<#and like. this doesn’t solve the problem of act two being nothing if you’ve done actions out of order or that the tears spell out the entir#mystery of where zelda is which ruins the main quests of the game because everybody’s like ‘where’s zelda????’ and you’re just like 🙄👆🐉#but you aren’t given that dialogue option ever BUT it would have been much more forgivable if the obvious not-zelda#had culminated in a super fun angsty puppet fight like in tp or st
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i do think, aside from mercury bias, if bg had been in all season she would have been all wnba, first or at least second. i think people undervalue her because of the rebounding but she is 1000% the worst officiated player in the league, on both sides of the court. so the fact that she's been able to have the performance that she had is incredible, and that she didn't get the acknowledgment really just underscores how much people take what she does for granted.
#i saw something interesting that kim milky basically has her players specialize and so they come out of college less well rounded#exhibit a angel's shooting vs rebounding#and i didn't watch bg in college so maybe i'm totally wrong on this but maybe rebounding just wasn't he job#and then i saw on reddit or something that maybe because she is so poorly officiated she'd get called for too many fouls on rebounding#for it to be worth it#and while i understand the value of rebounding really i do the mercy's problem wasn't that they weren't trying#well sometimes it was but it was that their whole system wasn't designed for it#if you have 4 players on the perimeter to space and shoot 3#you're going to hope they go in and run the floor instead#teams that rebound well dedicate bodies and time to rebounding#and i believe that it was a conscious choice the merc made to not do that#and if you look at old merc games they struggled with rebounding then too#i actually will have more to say about this in the future but the mercury's style of play has lived and died with dt's style for 20 years#the mercury have the most 100 point games of any franchise#and they are responsible for most of the 200 point total scores across the league#ie their fast break and bad defense lol#and while it's not entirely true - she is not responsible for every result they've ever had - i don't think you get westhead's style of pla#to work without her talent and the penny cappie dt trio in 2006#or at least it isn't successful and maybe doesn't change the pace of play in the league the way it did#it's also interesting that if the lottery draw goes differently in 2006 and merc have the first pick do they get seimone or do they stick#cappie? i think they stick with cappie bc they needed a true pg and from what i've seen seimone is a 2/3#and i don't think dt becomes the player the league knows without having a true pg [vs her playing point]#the thing is dt can play point better than most people but i think she plays better when she has someone else there to help#and her talking about oh i should've won mvp in 2006 [when i dropped 40] [lisa leslie won that year]#and in 2014 [best team ever] [maya moore won that year]#you look at the stats and there is for sure an argument to be made there#but it all comes back to post players#and i know wikipedia says maya is a power forward but she seems like more of a 3 sometimes? i haven't watched her enough#but i don't think dt can win mvp in 2009 without that team specifically#which means [and this is my theory of life] that everything happens the way it has to happen for you to end up where you are today
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#SORRY im mad about my stupid college again#WHY do they require so many internhip hours??????#no wait i KNOW why. bc the chef who runs the program is EVIL AND STUPID#he literally thinks he as a chef is gods gift to this earth. he thinks CHEFS are gods gift to this earth but only if they agree with him.#however. gods gift to this earth do NOT deserve breaks. ('chefs dont get breaks' is a direct quote)#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change#and he loves the power of being the program head. (and most students' advisor)#and he can say im preparing you to be the best!!!!! and get away with it#and he doesnt respect pastry chefs. and guess what i am hahahah#like i know the culinary industry is toxic and most chefs are jerks. but bakeries are very different from restaurants#so i thought i could handle some jerky chefs during school and get my degree and go work in a bakery#(i can handle some jerky chefs)#the problem was that a jerky chef ran the program as if you were already working in the worst restaurant environment imaginable#and he only taught like everyone wanted to be world renown chefs of 5 star parisian restaurants that take 4 years to get a reservation#(which is crazy that he thinks hes qualified to get other people to that level but ok.)#and thats great for people who want that! but some people (me) just want a cute little bakery!#also ! its advertised as a 2 year associates program#which. is true that you'll only get an associates degree out of it#but 2 years is including summer semesters. sorry i don't think thats how that works. i think thats 3 years#2 years for people who decide to do extra and take summer semesters.#and i think the only realistic way to complete the internship hours is to take an off semester and only do the internship#so you're not doing it at the same time as classes#but that adds a minimum of 1 semester and maximum 2#or if you cram the spring and fall semesters to have summer off and do the internship during summer#summer semesters are shorter. so youd have less weeks to complete the same amount of hours#it is simply not a 2 year program for the average person!!!!!!#i was IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!! AND I ONLY TOOK 1 (ONE) PASTRY CLASS!!!!!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!#and what do you MEAN you expect me to be in college for 3 years and only get an associates degree out of it. no thank you#its almost like...... an associates degree requires 2 years of schooling........ and theres too much happening in this program.......#bc the man in charge of it is power hungry and wants to control people and thinks chefs need to be beat into shape.......
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross#but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i can’t help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me#i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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love being at the climbing gym like yeah im not that flexible and then constantly doing moves matching my hands n feet on the same holds even when completely unnecessary
#half the pictures ppl take of me i have one leg straight and the other at my shoulder height. okay yeah#just looking thru ones ppl have taken recently of me again.. we love being vain n self obsessed#cant wait to get back there on monday i have so many projects rotating in my mind. im always thinking abt them while im at work#.diaries#i flashed a v4 yesterday that was a kind of manoeuvring all your hands and feet onto the same hold and standing type deal#and it felt rly natural to me n then no one else could do it n i felt bad for calling it easy for a v4 i just forgot i can Bend 💀#its mainly only bc im a little younger than some other ppl. and a bit lighter too... and doing years of resistance training has given me#more range of motion than ppl who have histories of different exercise styles/sports#there are ppl who are way more flexible than me ofc but some of them in the group dont have as much core or power.. different stats innit#i figured out a start to another v4 that i was rly proud of too.. just need to get the rest of it next week#but again no one else could even start it my way which was frustrating bc my fave thing is getting to share smth i figured out w someone#so we can joint problem solve the whole thing n both send it... anyway i think its still useful but theyd have to start on the other side#and go up a little in order to come down into the position i had. since its a weird one to get into from the ground bc ur legs are folded#mmmmm....#im so tired i meant to do so much when i got home from work but zzzzzzz#oh welllllll.. itll be a fun weekend hehe going to visit a friend for a few days <3
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