#which was a VERY long time ago now
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what happened to him?
Hi, anon, and thanks for the ask but I've gotta be honest - this took me a fair while to work out what it was referring to lol. And if it's not about my tags responding to @whumpster-dumpster's post below, which due to recency/timing I think it probably is, um...sorry, and please send more details.
In brief: Cerberus's dearest and closest friend was killed in unknown circumstances on the mortal plane, which meant he couldn't bring him back. He has the power of resurrection within Underworld bounds, but couldn't access this. Despite a lot of trying. Desperate trying. For over a month. He'd never failed to achieve a magickal goal before (and hasn't since, in fact) and basically the combination of desperately wanting to save his only true friend - his social enclave has always been both very small and extremely important to him - but being unable to... The worst possible thing to fail at, and he failed at it, and he absolutely broke down over it, in the end. To this day, I don't think he's forgiven himself for it, really. He's a perfectionist and on the rare occasions when he truly cares, he cares very deeply.
#and Aera - who was the only witness - was 100% stunned and alarmed so...yeah#i've wanted to write about this since it happened#which was a VERY long time ago now#but every time i've tried i haven't managed to do it#i've written a fair bit of heartbreak in my time but this particular one continues to be a no-deal#he recovered of course but this scarred him#answered asks - i hope!#please let me know if it was something else entirely lol
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Recognition
#I worked on this for too long and now I can't really be satisfied with it but I can accept the fact that it is 3am and I should sleep#Okay time to ramble about monsterhaul. So obviously its something of an atypical form which means it isn't included in fan content too much#but when it is usually Nemoto's (for lack of a more eloquent term) fusion gets the spotlight which is fair and cool I love it too#However there is definitely something to be explored in the fact that Rikiya represents the violation of abstinence from err. contact#Which makes him interesting to be mushed together with the very literally and symbolically touch-averse character that is Chisaki.#And when placed before Kurono there's appeal in putting two characters normally so laden with inhibitions into a#situation where those are somewhat repealed by existing inherent filth and the dispositions of a third party.#Good concept. Anyways there's also the secondary factor I got caught up thinking about in this piece pertaining to#the escalation of Chisaki's severity in action and Hari's continued support in spite of the other's ever-decreasing resemblance to#the kid he met years ago as Chisaki abandons internal and external standards#In short I'm unwell#Going to ignore this for a while now so I don't scold myself for the anatomy#chronohaul#kurono hari#hari kurono#kai chisaki#chisaki kai#orb draws#mha#bnha#my hero academia
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#paldean wooper#alright here we go. the beginning of the end of gen 9#it's the paldean forms‚ retrofit evos#and then we're into the paradox pokémon. which is the end of the line for this blog#ssooooo pretty soon i'm gonna need to start thinking about what to do with this blog once we're done with the pokédex‚ it seems like#never thought this day would come‚ somehow‚ even though i haven't even been running this blog for very long‚ it feels like#it's become part of my daily routine‚ queueing these posts up every morning#i've been doing it for quite a while now that i think about it. i remember queueing up a bunch in advance for my trip to california#which was a whole year ago at this point. damn#time‚ uh. flies?#anyway if you have any semi-last-minute ideas as to what you'd like to see on this blog moving forward#do let me know. by the time this posts i think the queue will already be well into the paradox 'mons#so i'll be thinkin about it by then
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And never let you go ♥
Bonus without the overspill lighting:
#💟#Digital art#Full Art#Art#Edgar#Scriabin#It's that time of year again where I get real sappy about Vargas ♥ Because yes! Once again it is my own personal Vargasversary! 🎊 Yaaaay#Seven years now - I don't know what to do with seven years it feels like a hard to define number haha#Right in the middle between five years and ten years! A while to be certain but hard to define as a Long Time either hmm#Well whatever it doesn't matter <3 The important part is that I still love Vargas and them very much ♥♪#I actually didn't really have any specific plans for this Vargasversary :0 I haven't been drawing them much again#Other things have drawn my focus and attention hehe ♪#So I just kinda set my hand loose - no sketches on paper no defined idea - this is just what my hand/brain came up with in the moment#I'm pleased :) I think it accurately expresses how I feel about them hehe <3#I wrote down what ended up being the text/caption a couple months ago while I was in Big Love in their direction#I don't remember what inspired it anymore other than just - They ♥ Themst ♥ Do love them <3#I've planned my next reread now ♪ Barring anything drastic (like an update lol) I know when I'll be rereading next#I'm looking forward to it! :D As always hehe <3#It's still a bit a ways off which works well for recharging :)#And of course I'll be doing my usual in the meanwhile - this and the main anniversary and my sketchdumps and Requestober haha#The caption is as much me as it is Edgar after all <3#Even quiet and sleeping I still find them as a comfort - a place I find rest and joy in ♥#Inspiring and lovely and wonderful - pretty and tender and dear!#Oh and#Always finding a way to flip up the bottom of the shirt#Hehe <3
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Okay so I've had some meta thoughts about Laurence's amnesia and how it relates to his relationship with Tharkay sitting in my drafts for like over a year now so I figured I'd finally clean it up and post it. Heads up it's really long.
Laurence finally consciously realises that he loves Tharkay (or is in love with him, whatever nuance you'd like) after "knew him, and knew himself." But at this point he's completely in pieces as a person (more on this next paragraph). Post-amnesia, he's an entirely different man. Pre-Temeraire Laurence is the harshest, strictest version both of and with himself. He follows the rules to the letter, basically takes Temeraire only out of duty in the beginning, and even keeps the promise between him and Edith despite there being no formal arrangement at all. Post-Temeraire but pre-amnesia Laurence has softened. He's putting less emphasis on the rules and more on his morals (see: treason). He has more leeway but still carries that honor/duty/order with himself.
Which is why post-amnesia Laurence is the version of himself that discovers that he loves Tharkay. In the wake of losing his memories and then regaining them he's lost and unmoored. Both of his past selves are so different and therefore so distant. They're both true but it's too jarring for him - especially in his current circumstances, much less the overall war - so Laurence becomes a new person. This is Laurence at his most vulnerable, his most unguarded, who smiles more often now because he doesn't really know that he didn't smile that much before. He has two major tethers to his personhood: Temeraire and Tharkay (I hesitate to say only tethers, simply because Laurence's life isn't that small, but repeatedly these two are the ones who have had the biggest impact on his life, who have kept him going). Obviously he loves Temeraire, he's never going to stop loving Temeraire, he just isn't capable of it, but seeing Temeraire didn't bring back his memories (I can't imagine how Temeraire must have felt, meeting a version of Laurence who had never met him). Laurence loves Temeraire in the most unconditional, selfless way - to be very Greek about it, his philia. But I think when he finally comprehends how Tharkay was the catalyst behind this radical change of his self he dives into his memories again and goes over them in excruciating detail (and he was definitely doing that already, but now he's doing it with a lens exclusively focused on Tharkay). At some point he comes to the realisation that Tharkay loves him, and that he loves him, and that he's been unconsciously shoving it down every time it's surfaced (past-Laurence was saying no homo while actively homo-ing). And with the benefit of being an new version of the same person (and also some hindsight, finally), this Laurence says, I've committed treason. My country sees me as a traitor but they still need me to serve them as a tool. I lost myself once in a war (see: "what are you doing?") that's still being fought. Time is short and there's no guarantee I won't lose my memories again, that I will still be the person I am right now. What do I have to lose?
(And on some level, this Laurence thinks, what can stop me?)
He begins giving to Tharkay what Tharkay always had given to him. His acts of devotions start small (relative to Tharkay's; transporting too many ferals is obviously a little outside of what Laurence can feasibly do). He cares for Tharkay once he wakes ("have you noticed the top of your head appears likely to come off?"), he helps him eat and drink, he massages his hands once they heal, he stays with him through the nightmares that come to haunt him. And he continues doing these little things for Tharkay, hoping that he understands (he's willing to wait, Tharkay waited for him after all, and Laurence doesn't want to push him, especially as he's healing). But I think the act that hits Tharkay like, oh, it's different this time is when Laurence bargains his freedom to Napoleon. I feel like that carries unspeakable meaning for Tharkay, who was ostracized growing up and ended up never having a "permanent" home since he travelled so much. I can't imagine that he hasn't been in a similar situation before, but he's probably always been expected to weasel his way out of it without any outside help. He's trained himself out of expecting someone to help him, to care enough about him to save him. Yet part of the man who turned to treason simply so the dragons of France wouldn't die in pain lives on in this Laurence. Pre-Temeraire Laurence is rules and post-Temeraire pre-amnesia Laurence is morals, but post-amnesia Laurence is all heart. There was never a way he was going to leave Tharkay behind.
So Tharkay starts watching him. He watches Laurence continue to devote himself to him, again and again. He brings him his coat on cold days. When it rains and their scars ache he curls around his hands and rubs lotion into them. When he goes into town he always brings Tharkay back a little gift. He starts growing vegetables in the garden and he learns how to cook non-wartime foods and how to knit (because he is a man forged by war and what does one even do during peacetime when one's dragon is busy reforming the government, anyway?) and suddenly he's providing for Tharkay like never before. He looked away for one moment and suddenly Laurence's prescence and all that he does has made the manor a home.
Yet Tharkay, for years, has told himself so many times that Laurence is off-limits, untouchable, that he can love him but that there's no chance that Laurence will love him back. The only way he can love Laurence is silently, nearly from afar, and so he tried to do that. But he can't just stand by and so every time he finds himself committing a deux ex Tharkay (see: ferals, again). He understands that there's some shit Laurence needs to learn himself (and god is this series very good about character development for Laurence) but he's not going to do nothing when the man in about to die. For him it's about caring and providing for Laurence even if he doesn't know it. He learns to content himself with the knowledge that, even if nothing comes of it, he can still be by Laurence's side.
But then the amnesia plot happens (which he only learns of after all of it goes down) and suddenly there is a half-stranger wearing the skin of the man he loves (loved, he tells himself) looking at him with those familiar blue eyes filled with a completely unfamiliar emotion. He's relieved that Laurence remembers but he's said that his Laurence is gone that he's even thinking of it like that (Tharkay has a lot of anger, both at himself and others and the world). Laurence is right in front of him, he's not gone at all, but he's gone in a way that matters. But also this new Laurence is by his side all the time. He's feeding him and helping him drink and dress and he sleeps on the floor by his bedside. Tharkay is so confused because this has to be some kind of fantasy dream he's having. He must still be in the cave (and it's believable that he is, because he returns there every night in his dreams). But he isn't and he has to struggle to come to terms with this new Laurence.
So every time Laurence does something even remotely nice he hyper-analyses it and rationalizes it to himself. He deludes himself into thinking that this is normal for Laurence now. It's normal for Laurence to fuss and hen over him now; it's normal for him to smile at him with that emotion written plainly on his face that Tharkay still hasn't (refuses) to decipher. And he does this well into post-canon.
For that reason he only gets with the program when Laurence has to leave the manor (leave home) for a long while (probably with Temeraire) and suddenly Tharkay is all alone in this huge manor. He's wearing the socks Laurence knitted for him and eating food Laurence grew and walking into rooms and seeing little parts of him scattered everywhere. There's a novel he's reading left on the table by the chair he prefers in the library. There's a cookbook in the kitchen in which he's bookmarked recipes he thinks he might like. Tharkay finds a handwritten list of things they need to buy in town left out for him. He left his pillows on Tharkay's bed because he knows he likes sleeping with a ton of pillows (and they smell like him, and Tharkay pretends he doesn't bury his face in him, that he doesn't miss him while he's gone). When Tharkay wakes up in the morning he makes two cups of tea and waits for Laurence to come in from talking with Temeraire before remembering that neither of them are here (home). He expects Laurence to appear in the evenings to ask if he wants to go on a walk through the grounds with him (and he always ends up saying yes). Tharkay learns that the manor is too big for one man who has always been a little too lonely in his life.
So until Laurence returns home he plots and plans and agonizes. After a week once Laurence has come home (and the first thing he had said to him was welcome home, and Laurence had beamed at him, and it was so unbelievably natural to say it) Tharkay begins his attempts at reciprocating. He wakes up earlier so that he can brew Laurence tea so he can take it out to sit with Temeraire. He says that he cooked some of the recipes from Laurence's cookbook and insists on making them for Laurence (he had to figure out his system of marking which recipes were Laurence's favourites). He gifts him a sturdy, functional, and beautifully crafted knife to wear around the house for daily use; he specifically makes sure the knife is up to Temeraire's standards. In fact, Tharkay talks to Temeraire about everything, and Temeraire tells him, with no minced words while completely drawing his own conclusions, that it's very nice that Tharkay is asking him for his blessing, but does he really need it at this point? Haven't they been courting long enough? He's always approved of Tharkay, because he makes Laurence happy.
That's how Tharkay realises he and Laurence have been dancing around each other like shy birds, both of them subtly showing off but not making the first move. And maybe he realises that Laurence is thinking how he used to think - that it's okay as long as he can be by his side, that he doesn't need his love reciprocated (it's a very long chain of Tharkay loving Laurence, Laurence knowing Tharkay loves him and loving him back, and Tharkay loving Laurence and knowing he knows he loves him and loves him back). And of course Tharkay wasn't going to make the first move back then, and if Laurence hasn't by now, then maybe he should borrow some of Temeraire's courage.
It's something small. The words come later, given how action-forward both Laurence and Tharkay are. They don't even need words. Maybe Tharkay takes Laurence's hand during dinner and intertwines their fingers, maybe he touches Laurence's cheek after he's braided his hair as their eyes meet in the mirror, maybe as they pack away the port and piquet he kisses him good night. Whatever it is, they look at each other and simply know. Tharkay sees Laurence slowly start to smile, a huge one that spreads across his entire face, one that he's only seen on Laurence when he thinks he's alone with Temeraire. He seems to brighten, almost radiating light.
For his part, Laurence reciprocates. He squeezes Tharkay's hand, he turns his cheek into Tharkay's touch, he pulls him in for another kiss. He watches as something seems to drop from Tharkay, something that he hadn't even known he was carrying. He becomes loose and relaxed, his body language more open as he looks at Laurence with one of his little smiles, a bit of shyness that he's never seen before evident on his face. He tells Tharkay that he's the most beautiful person he's ever seen.
#temeraire meanwhile ABSOLUTELY thought laurence and tharkay have been together since AGES ago#(maybe when tharkay brought the ferals because he thinks that that was very romantic)#he DEFINITELY thought tharkay was asking him if he could marry laurence and is now very excited to plan a wedding#i'm sorry this got so long this is like a word vomit and a half#at some point it started being less amnesia-related and being more about how willzing's love language is acts of service#this was originally part of the idea of how willzing fits into the king/knight dynamic either way you look at them that i wrote into a fic#(which is still sitting as a wip in my folders. I should finish it...)#i can't remember but at the time there was some other media i inhaled that had an amnesia plot that made me reevaluate laurence's amnesia#and how it would change him as a person and how it would impact his relationship with tharkay#anyway. i hope this finds the temeraire people <3#(was totally inspired to finish this by getting into the server lol)#temeraire#temeraire series#william laurence#tenzing tharkay#willzing#laurence/tharkay#meta
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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with all the recent news surrounding checo's performance clause with rbr, it got me wondering about Daniel's deal with McLaren. Did he also receive a similar contract clause from that team? like Ik that he was dropped without his prior knowledge but was he given options beforehand??
Daniel in fact had no such performance clause in his McLaren contract. He had an option to extend for 2023 that only he could trigger, which meant McLaren couldn't unilaterally decide to not extend him for 2023.
This was why Zak Brown went on his media tour criticising him and playing musical chair with his seat until he signed Piastri behind Daniel's back. They wanted Daniel to trigger that exit clause on his own so they wouldn't have to pay him out. In the end, Daniel left $18mil richer
#not too long ago i saw some checo fans brag that checo was managed by senna's agent which meant that he was safe from being dropped#so i'm surprised how checo's management thought it would be a good idea to sign an extension which retrospectively added performance clause#to a previous contract#i mean if he signed it after monaco and if the rumours are true that he can't be more than 100 pts behind max#the trend at the point in time after monaco would have shown that he would very likely not meet that performance target by summer break#it would have been very sensible to refuse that extension and just leave at the end of the year which would have saved his career#compared to the possibility of him getting sacked now#anyway .... other than lewis (and now charles) Daniel is the only other driver who has an american management#and the kind of contracts they're able to negotiate are different than your old school f1 agent#anon ask
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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I just want to write fanfic. But. I’m in one of those phases!!!! Where I can’t. Because Of Cringe
#like sure I could theoretically write whatever and choose not to post I. guess#and one of them I probably won’t post but#it’s that feeling of like#I cannot reread the docs without feeling afraid and immediately backing out!!!!#which behfjcnggtt sux bc i have more wips at the same time now than i usually ever do#like a week or two ago I kept having more spontaneous ideas#i was jotting down and getting started#but like I’ve said if I don’t chase ideas IMMEDIATELY#I lose steam :’( I get scared or lose track of where I was going#I gotta go FULL STEAM AHEAD as long as I can#it’s very like. 0 to 100 to 0 to 100 to 0 to 100 forever lol#bro I want to be free!!!#its okay I just have to indulge in other people’s works until I reset again. 🫡#‘what if strangers on the internet disapprove of my antics’ WHO is even looking. we r in da shadows mwah
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Can’t, too busy flirting ♥ (Patreon)
#My art#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#FRICK I forgot ZEX's bruises lol#I drew them in the sketch even! It's why his left eye is closed rather than his right fjdsaklfdfds#Well DAX will probably have that ankle brace on him still by the time ZEX's face and neck are all healed up anyway *handwaves handwaves*#Anyway lol#I've been wanting to try my hand at the ''heartbeat'' style for a while now! Pretty sure this is my first ever attempt! :0#I guess that one blushy react I made a couple years ago for VLH could count? But that was with vectors so#Was mostly curious as to how long it would take and how tedious it would be with my tablet#Using my crayon brush for the lineart and colours made it more fun :) Very unconcerned with how ''clean'' it would look by the end#Which I think is how this style is meant to be approached - if it was too smooth or too aligned then it wouldn't move!#I think I like it well enough :)#I had another one I was thinking about doing first - even sketched up a while ago now - but this image hit me most recently#New shiny - you know how it is :P#And they're so cute how can I resist <3#Max being shorter than Dexter is So good and then ZEX nad DAX are in there and it's just jdkslafd#Extremely yes very much so agree#They're cute! I love them!#Someday I'll get really good at DAX's parade rest pose because I keep attempting to draw it correctly and haven't yet#But I haven't given up!! I'll get it someday!!!#ZEX is effortlessly adorable so that's easy lol#Even if I didn't get the bruises his blush was still real fun to texture :)
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what i will say is that i think a very big issue for me right now with my appearance is just that due to stress and i guess just time, i feel like i have very visibly aged and probably look older than my age. and inherently there is nothing wrong with that but i kind of wish i could still pass off as young enough that when i say i haven’t really done anything with my life or anything, people are understanding and say that i still have time. i don’t know, i just feel like i am out of time
#i know technically there is time forever and stuff but people sort of stop caring or being understanding#the older you get the more alone you get and the less acceptable it is for things not to be going somewhere#but it is kind of hard for me to see that as someone that has always been pretty alone and without anyone to kind of look out for me#i think what i mean is i am out of time for anyone to kind of be looking out for me#and obviously i am 24 that has been the case for at least a few years now technically#and i can look out for myself#but i just kind of wish it wasn’t the case. i don’t know#i have a whole complex about this and i think people that know think it is just vanity but its not#but on a vanity/superficial aspect- i only just finally settled into clothing i like about a year ago! i want more time for it to not be#too weird for me to not be dressing normal!#also i think this is the first time i have been anle to articulate this in words. and it is on tumblr. the website. of all damn places#ALSO this is long now but clarifying that a part of this is also being very very aroace#i know some people can find a sense of family or feeling cared for by finding a partner. i do not want that. at all#which screws me over even further
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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I already knew what I was getting into when I agreed to my brother's proposal to have a streaming session of the 2000s trilogy of Star Wars.
Now I feel a HUGE ARTISTIC ITCH that I need to scratch.
WITH TWO COUPLES IN PARTICULAR, FML.
#Nemo Babbles#Star Wars#My ocs#my AUs#to be honest#the itch wasn't totally born today#it was born a LONG while ago#but I got swept away by things so the itch went in the back burner#BUT NOW IT'S BACK WITH A VENGEANCE#and I went down my 20-year-old sketches of the characters I drew when the trilogy came out#and I wish I could go back in time and give a hug to my teen self and tell her that someday#eventually#she would be able to draw what she wanted to draw#sorry y'all#I am pmsing which means yours truly is VERY EMOTIONAL
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Agonizing over Tsubasa and Yuu in the FE AU that I will never public the writing
#Fyi Tsubasa’s the commander of Steel Wings platoons (Griffinknights) under Ryuuga’s (but actually Doji’s) command#Same for Reiji his comrade who’s the commander of Steel Fangs platoons (Dracoknights)#Ryuuga might be an emperor of their country but he’s heavily corrupted by a dragon stone Doji brought back#(Yes Hades cult is still a thing)#(Also Doji assassinated the prev King Ryuusei/Ryo and made Ryuuga#Who was basically Ryo adopted kid at the time#The king)#(Also Ryuuga is a manakete who got exiled throughly the dragon gate because the other dragons fear him#Prophecy that he will destroy the dragon world#But basically he will destroy Nemesis who’s an ancient Fell Dragon but that’s the end game plot for later#Anyway back to the plot Tsubasa is a Branded who got exiled too and got taken in by Ryo long time ago#So his lifespan is a little fucked he looks like a you by adult but he’s like in his 30’s#Anyway Ryo made him sent a baby Gingka to a countryside and away from the throne because he sniffed out something is suss#Ryo then got assasinated and Ryuuga is the heir to the throne#But Doji quickly corrupted him using a specialized dragons stone aka Black Gem so he’s a corrupted emperor now#And his goal is to collect the rest of the gem stones in other countries to finish the fire emblem#Which is in their possession#To revive Nemesis#So Tsubasa has to listen to orders to raid other country and terrorized people#Which he activities try to shy away from because of a pledge he promised to Ryo and in the day Ryuuga got coronated#Doji being the snake he is was saying that it’s for the greater good and made planted evidence to turn all the countries to each other#Yuu was a survivor from a village he and Reiji raided so Tsubasa took in in#Yuu lost most of his memories so he imprinted on Ryuuga because omg cool dragon lord#Anw Gingka eventually tag along with other and Kyouya gang who’s the Prince of a country to take down the Empire and eventually Ryuuga#But that’s a plot for another time#so Tsubasa bid his time until Gingka army needs a diversion - he then proceeds to sabotage the Empire by betraying them#And giving Gingka an opening#So he’s immediately got apprehended by Reiji and Ryuuga and narrowly escaped by taking Yuu with him#Yuu doesn’t understand shit yet so he thought Tsubasa was being the traitor and fight#But the bird is just tired very very tired he doesn’t want to part take in this bloodshed anymore
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Jaytimkon 1 and 48 for the send me a number and I'll send. Another ask for kisses 💖💖💖 ily youre awesome
ahh ilu too <3333 thank u so much for the prompt!!
this is both my first time writing kon and my first time writing his pov, so i hope it reads okay~
>> AO3 <<
Jason’s the tallest.
He doesn’t beat Kon by much—an inch, maybe two—but he’s like. Way taller than Tim. Which he loves taking advantage of, using the height difference to tease and aggravate Tim until Tim decides to bring him down to his level. Or below.
Kon…
Obviously he’s known the whole time that that’s always been Jason’s end goal; making Tim yank him down, or pin him, or climb him like a tree. Kon can’t blame him. Tim’s cute when he’s irritated; all huffy sighs and puffed cheeks and narrowed eyes. And, of course. Watching Tim put Jason in his place—or being the one Tim puts into place—is always hot. But… recently, Kon’s been thinking. Watching. There’s something about the way Jason melts when Tim pushes him around that’s… different from the way he usually melts when they push him around.
It’s got him in the mood to try an experiment.
He hovers a few inches off the ground, watching Jason pepper Tim’s face with playful kisses, while Tim scrunches his face up, clearly failing at trying to look annoyed. His mouth is twitching upward too much. This is just the start of the game—Jason will escalate until Tim finally gives in and does what he wants.
Which means it’s the perfect time for Kon’s test.
He floats higher and drifts over to them, giving Jason plenty of opportunity to finish his kisses. He has a very specific pattern he follows—one to each cheek, then the chin, the nose, either the corners of the eyes or closed eyelids, and then, finally, the center of the forehead. Sometimes he’ll repeat it a few times, but it’s always the same pattern.
He waits until the third forehead kiss, and then says, “Hey. Where are my kisses?”
Jason tilts his head back to look at him, a cheeky grin on his face. He holds out a hand. “Come a little closer and find out.” He wiggles his brows a little, which never fails to make Kon laugh and Tim roll his eyes.
Kon takes Jason’s hand, drifting down until he’s just head and shoulders taller than Jason. “Hm… Nah. I think you should come and get ‘em yourself, Jaybabe.”
Behind him, Tim grins.
Jason rolls his eyes—a smile tugging at his mouth. “Oh, well, if that’s how you want to play it, farm boy.” He lets go of Kon’s hand, fisting the collar of his t-shirt and tugging. Normally, Kon would go with it; allow himself to be tugged down and into whatever kind of kiss his boyfriends were in the mood for.
Today, he stays right where he is.
Jason huffs. A flush spreads over his face; bright, vivid pink. It’s charming. Kon is charmed, totally unable to keep from smiling as, finally, Jason rolls up onto his toes, arms locking around Kon’s neck. He slots their mouths together, feeling the way Jason shivers, first, and then melts—Kon’s arms reflexively settling on his waist, keeping him from dropping back onto his heels.
His hands splay on Jason’s sides; fingers spread wide in the way he knows Jason likes. Makes him feel almost small, he s—
Small.
Oh.
Duh.
Jason likes feeling small.
It seems so obvious now. He should probably test it, a little more though. Just to see. So he cups Jason’s jaw with one hand, tilting his head back a little bit more, raising up a little higher, looming a little more. Jason moans, a sweet, breathy thing. Kon hums, kissing him a little deeper, licking into his mouth until all he can taste is Jason.
He doesn’t pull back until he can tell Jason’s legs are trembling; his heart thrumming.
Jason lands back on his heels. He’s a pretty sight; no longer vivid pink but a deep red. It brings out the teal of his eyes.
Kon just has one more thing he wants to try.
He cups Jason’s face with both hands.
Left cheek—right cheek—chin—a sharp intake of breath as he kisses Jason’s nose, lashes fluttering before his eyes close, letting Kon kiss first his left eye, then the right.
He plants the last on his forehead, lingering, and then, finally, lets go, landing on his feet once more.
Jason wobbles for a moment, blinking again—almost dazed. Then he looks back at Kon again.The smile Jason gives him is one he’s never seen before—small and sweet and almost shy. It’s one of the prettiest things Kon’s ever seen, and he knows, immediately, that he’ll do whatever it takes to see it again.
[ 50 types of kisses ]
#the ending feels like its missing something but idk what#also! the face kisses#its semi inspired by something i read in a book a long time ago (the book wasn't great from what i remember but the kiss thing was cute)#anyway#so for this it's something catherine used to do & which jason remembers making him feel very warm and loved#so now he does it to his boyfriends <3#having it turned back on him was. an Experience <3333#also i love love love the hc of jason liking to feel small#idk where i saw it first but#i dunno its cute so#there it is!!!!#tauriawritesfanfic#jaytimkon#jaykon#mostly#cheetahleopard#dcu
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