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queentheweeb · 2 years ago

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Alpha Denki Kaminari X Omega Koji Koda

Admittingly Denki never thought he would actually get to be friends with the quietest student in the class, right behind Shoji. He was Denki after all. He was loud, rambunctious, liked pulling pranks a lot, and the works. However, he did suffer from anxiety and has ADHD. Both mental illnesses occurred as a sort of side effect of his quirk. Electricity ran through his veins, pumping through never fully at ease. He always needed to do something which is why studying was always hard for him. Math and Science? God help his soul. Languages, the arts, and history? He had the best grades in the class behind Izuku. He never said anything to Iida or Bakugo because their egos would not be able to handle it. He is sure to tell Izuku though because he's Izuku. He is just a great person. He needed something though to help with his anxiety when the buzzing was too much when everything was too much. His need for something to relax him is what leads him to knock on the shy Omega's door at midnight. It was Saturday, just turned Saturday so he knew he wasn't sleeping yet. He waited patiently for an answer smiling sheepishly at a surprised Koda

"I know this is sudden and you don't have to but, uh, I was wondering if I can pet Yuwai-chan. It's okay If I can't." He waited for any indication that Koda wanted him to leave or not. He was expecting him to shake his head no but, was surprised when he opened the door a little wider allowing him to come inside. "Thank you Koda-kun." He stood by the door not sure where he was allowed to be. He was just happy he was allowed to come inside at all. They both were risking it being inside his dorm. Aizawa would have both their heads. He watched as the boy went to the center of his room with Yuwai in his arms and patted the space in front of him. Denki walked and sat down in the space holding out his hands and arms the way they all do when petting Yuwai. Carefully Koda placed her in his arms.

"She likes you..." He looked up surprised at the sudden voice. It was really rare for him to talk. He wanted to hear more of it. He was staring because Koda started shrinking in on himself.

"I'm sorry for staring...You have a nice voice." He looked down at the very calm rabbit rubbing gently down her back repeatedly. He doesn't know why but when he was around Koda he felt the need to be reserved and more calm. He didn't feel the need to be seen, Koda saw and heard him just fine. If only he knew that this one night of needing to be calm was going to lead to a whirlwind of emotions and a blossoming romance.

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Denki found himself distracted a lot in a good and bad way whenever anything and everything involved Koda. His feelings caught him off guard in the beginning. He never did expect to fall for the quiet animal lover but, here he was with heart palpitations, sweaty palms, grinning like an idiot in his presence, training with him, trying to make him laugh and impressed with animal information, buying nature books and stuff he likes. God, he was courting him without telling him it was courting.

"I still can't believe it's Koda you have the hots for." He felt his eye twitch at Sero keeping himself from snapping at him. He did not mean anything by the statement because yes, it was a bit of a surprise to really like the animal lover, wanting to court him and all of that. However, there was nothing wrong with Koda. He was fine just the way he was from his face to his body to his personality. "You good bro? You're glaring at me." Denki blinked not noticing that he was glaring at Sero

"You low-key just insulted Koda." Mina the ever so smart one pointed out. The cog wheels turned in his head before clicking.

"Oh shit, man, I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it-" Denki waved his hand at him. It was just his feelings for him. Alpha instincts. Make him feel protective and all of that fancy jazz.

"It's fine. I think I'm overreacting to you. I know you don't mean any harm. None of you do." Denki took a deep breath biting into his sandwich harsher than intended. His eyes instinctively went over to Koda who was sitting with his usual friend group. He had turned to catch his eyes and Denki gave a wave, like he always did, happy to get a wave in return. He turned back to his friends who were all smirking at him "Ah, fuck you, you guys know how I feel already." They all joked and teased talking about different things. He appreciated that despite being bashful, they all can be quite open with their crushes. Mina is the best because she knows how to toe the line of teasing without making it super obvious. A precarious line that she teeters over dangerously but, never has crossed.

"So Kirishima likes Tetsutetsu, I like Koda, Mina you like Ochako, and Sero you like Jiro, I'm pretty sure Bakugo likes Todoroki or Midoriya, maybe both." He ducked in time to miss the swing from Bakugo. He was being violent which meant he was right. The rest of lunch went by smoothly, with the end of the day coming by with free-lance training. It was Friday and the last hour where Aizawa didn't give a shit whether or not you trained properly as long as you were moving and doing something. Denki decided to see if he can grab Koda and train together a.k.a semi-train and more talking. He loved it and he was confident enough and observant as well to notice Koda at least enjoyed his company. He was surprised though when they all changed into their gym uniform and went outside he was approached by Koda first. A pleasant surprise.

"D-do you want to....train?" He was shuffling side to side and it took everything in Denki not to bear hug the gentle giant. God how can one person be so cute, he doesn't understand

"Of course! I was going to ask you but, you beat me to it." He grinned happily ear to ear. A smile never leaves his face when he was in his presence. He really was head over heels. For the next hour, the two of them focused on his electricity control as well as Koda's anivoice range in between using sign language to talk. A few people knew sign language so Denki made sure they were a little secluded so, said, people won't snoop in on their conversation. "Hey Koji, I got something I want to give you later on. Text me sometime this afternoon when you're free, yeah?" Denki was nervous but, he refused to show it. He was an Alpha! He had to be cool, calm, and collected. At least for Koji anyway. Koji stared at him, blinked, and with a soft smile nodded his head. Denki was excited.

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Too soon it was the afternoon just about the evening time and Koda texted him to come to his room. Denki was nervous. He looked at the gift basket that he was working on for the last month to pop the question. He had a wolf, a giraffe, a penguin, and a raccoon stuffed animal, with candies, some nature DVDs, books, and tickets to go to the botanical gardens and the zoo. He did all of this so he can pop the question. It's been festering. He wants to ask him to be his Omega. He really hopes he says yes.

"Okay, Denki. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." He had his scent patch off and the basket in his arms. He took a deep breath, looked at the text sent a minute ago, and made his way to Koda's dorm. He let his squad know what was happening so they were aware. If it backfired, they had snacks and movies, and ears to listen to. He really hoped it didn't backfire. He made it to the dorm knocking and waiting for an answer. He heard shuffling 'here goes nothing'. The door was opened to a smiling Koji

"Hi, Denki! Come in." He was so cute allowing him inside his humble abode. He looked and saw a nest built on his bed. A really comfy-looking nest at that. The door was closed and locked behind him. That's when he pulled out the basket before he chickened out. He heard the gasp and couldn't look so he focused on the nest.

"I, uh, have been courting you for a very long time. Even before I acknowledged it myself. It all started that night I asked to pet Yuwai. I loved being your friend, it's the best and most soothing and calming friendship I ever had the pleasure of experiencing. However, I wanted more...so I started courting you slowly and I thought, um, I would ask you with a basket. I got tickets for botanical gardens and the zoo...I-if you want t-to go that i-is." He was stuttering, his nerves getting the best of him. That's why he was surprised when he got an armful of Koji. He obviously hugged back.

"I...would love to go with you...." Denki couldn't believe his ears. He squeezed Koji back loving the muscles and softness as well under his pajamas.

"Does...this mean you...want me as your Alpha?" A quick yes was heard and Denki was on cloud nine. He couldn't believe it worked and his pining and his feelings were all returned. This was the best day of his life. "Thank you." He couldn't wait to show him off to everyone.

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What do you guys think about it?

#a/b/o au #a/b/o dynamics #denki kaminari #alpha denki kaminari #alpha denki #koji koda #Omega Koji #Omega Koda #Denki x Koji #manga #fanfic #anime #fanfiction #mha #quotev #quirks #fluff #bnha

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skamenglishsubs · 3 years ago

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Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 1, Episode 2

Episode 2 picks up the morning day after the initiation party, the girls are having breakfast lunch at their dorm, the boys at theirs, and everyone wants the juicy details about what happened at the party...

Culture: Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far? Although, it's pretty funny how the roles are reversed, Maddie is all "meh" about it, while Nils tells a different story. Then again, since when do you get together after a blowjob?

Culture: I actually have no idea why Simon is having breakfast at Skogsbacken, since regular schools only cover lunch for students, everyone eats breakfast at home, and then goes to school. Then again, it allows a scene where (Never mind, they're having lunch, thanks @kamand !) Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm casts some nervous glances at Simon after having been called out for disappearing at the party and almost forced to confess to making out with someone.

Culture: I know Felice is trying to put August down, but don't knock a proper Swedish pizza! As much as I like living in the US, they can't fucking make pizzas here, and the first thing I eat every time I go back to Sweden is always a real pizza. With pineapple and shrimp as God intended pizza to be made!

Culture: August is namedropping ski resorts in the Alps, which is where you go skiing in Europe if you have money, although Saint-Martin-de-Belleville is actually near Val Thorens in France, while Verbier is in Switzerland. It does have a three-star restaurant, though. Sweden and Norway have a couple of decent ski resorts, but the Scandinavian mountain chain is simply not as impressive as the Alps.

Subtext: Remember Wilhelm getting up and hurrying to math class in the beginning of the scene? It was so he could grab the other seat next to Simon, because he knows Simon is gonna sit next to Sara, since no-one else does.

Culture: Formally greeting your teacher before class is very uncommon in Sweden, but since Hillerska is all about discipline and tradition, of course they do it. Note that they're again using the formal Swedish title for male teachers, Magister, which in a regular school would be kind of a joke, since teachers and students are on a first-name basis with each other.

Subtext: Wilhelm is exposing how the world works if you have money. At Simon's old school, studying alone would result in good grades, but Hillerska is slightly corrupt and almost expects the students to essentially pay for getting a good grade.

Subtext: Simon is lying to his teacher, he absolutely hasn't talked to his parents about paying for private lessons.

Subtext: No, Sara absolutely does care about what other people think about her, and when she directly tells Felice that she would actually like some friends, that's when Felice gets it and starts making an effort to become real friends with her.

Culture: They're all bilingual at Simon's home, they're all speaking Spanish and Swedish, although Linda has a very noticeable accent to her Swedish. Based on demographics and statistics, the most likely scenario is that Linda immigrated to Sweden from Chile, met Micke, and started a family. In real life, Omar Rudberg was born in Venezuela and grew up in Sweden, while Carmen Gloria Pérez was born in New York, and grew up in Puerto Rico.

Subtext: Remember how I talked in the intro post about how distant social classes know nothing of each other? Ayub and Rosh are either working class or lower middle class like Simon, and since rowing is a typical upper class sport, they know nothing of it, they don't even think of it as a real sport. Unlike football, which is a proper working class sport, they know all about that!

Subtext: Scandinavia has Jantelagen, and everyone there thinks it's uniquely Scandinavian, but all countries have some form of Tall Poppy Syndrome. In this scene, Simon is starting to make a class journey, he started rowing, he started trying to fit in with the other upper-class kids, and getting into a relationship with someone as upper-class as Wilhelm would definitely move him all the way. But going on a journey means leaving things behind, which is why Rosh and Ayub are cutting him down and literally turning their backs on him. They like it in the small town of Bjärstad, why can't he be happy there too? Why is he betraying his roots?

Subtext: This comment from August nicely foreshadows a later episode when August does something traceable on a School computer...

Subtext: What August means is that he's not sure Wilhelm has the same desire to be accultured into the upper class, to play the part of a proper prince, in the same way that he and Erik have accepted their roles and are even enjoying them.

Culture: Although it's impossible to read the name of the medicine, the paper tag on the bottle indicates that it's some kind of prescription medicine. From the conversation with Vincent, we learn that it's some kind of ADHD medication, probably some kind of Dextroamphetamine since those improve athletic ability and cognitive functions in healthy people.

Culture: Birkenstock sandals are associated with hippies in Sweden as well as in many parts of the world, so August is actually saying that the school counselor isn't really part of the same upper-class society as the rest of the staff. And again, his use of the word sosse drives the point home.

Subtext: Consequently, the counselor sees right through August and refuses to immediately prescribe him the medication that he wants...

Subtext: ...even though August tries to both bribe him and threaten him into giving him the medication he wants.

Subtext: A big theme of this episode is class journeys, and in this scene and a previous exercise scene, August gushes about how good a thing that is, how proud he is of Simon for going on one, and spouts some crap about how everyone can make it if they really want to.

Subtext: Thankfully, Madison says what we're all thinking: August is full of shit, life isn't fair, and they're only at the school because they were born into privilege.

Blink and you miss it: After Wilhelm has nervously texted his crush for the first time, he starts to bite his fingernails, but quickly stops himself, because why would he be nervous? He's just texting another boy about rowing practice, there's nothing more to it!

Subtext: Simon's texting game is on point though, he knows exactly what he should write to get Wilhelm to go on a totally-not-a-date with him.

Subtext: In the same way that August couldn't convince the counselor about being sick, I don't think Wilhelm's atrocious acting here convinces August that he's sick either.

Culture: Public transport in the greater Stockholm area - or wherever we're supposed to be - is of course cash-less, and you pay by either charging a special card, or by signing up in their app and buying tickets through there. The point of this scene though is to drive home how Wilhelm has never ever had to take the bus before in his life, and therefore has no idea how it works.

Culture: The totally-not-a-date starts at a Circle K, which in Sweden is just another gas station, but it is actually a Canadian multi-national convenience store corporation. The price of gas is of course posted in kr/l, and 13.98kr/l corresponds to roughly $6/gal.

Subtext: Throughout the totally-not-a-date, Wilhelm is trying to reach for common ground with Simon, trying to show him how he's just a regular guy...

Subtext: ...but then real life intrudes, Wilhelm is recognized by some local girls, who call out to him and run away giggling, which shows how he's not a regular guy, he's going to get recognized wherever he goes.

Culture: Kokt eller grillat, boiled or grilled, are the two ways you can get your hot-dog at pretty much any hot-dog place in Sweden, and ketchup and mustard is always offered. The correct answer to this question is of course grilled, with ketchup and mustard, and this just shows that Wilhelm is a man of culture and good taste. Unfortunately, they were out grilled ones, so they all got boring soggy boiled hot-dogs instead. Is there a metaphor here? I don't know.

Subtext: Again, the show drives home the point that absolutely no-one has a problem with people being gay. Simon is clearly out to Ayub and the rest of his friends, and Ayub immediately picks up on the fact that this is totally a date.

Blink and you miss it: Ayub nudges Simon with his elbow to tell him that he should make a move on Wilhelm.

Culture: What we're looking at is just the local junior/high school football team, Bjärstad, playing a match against some other unnamed junior football team. Since the stakes are super low, the audience basically consists of whichever parents and friends of the players that could be bothered showing up.

Culture: Driving age is 18 in Sweden, and even then getting your own car at that age is extremely uncommon. However, you can easily get a license for a moped when you turn 15, so these are the vehicles of choice for teenagers to get around.

Subtext: August found out about Wilhelm's trip to town, but his main problem with it is that he wants Wilhelm to stop slumming it with lower class people, and to start hanging out with everyone at school instead, so that he can be properly accultured into the upper class. Again, sosse in this context means working class, not socialist.

Subtext: Although Simon felt really great about his first date with Wilhelm, the text message reminds him that Wilhelm isn't a regular person, and that even this innocent little trip generates interest and scrutiny, and can't be posted publicly.

Culture: As everyone should have noticed by now, Madison keeps speaking English, while everyone speaks to her in Swedish, so clearly she understands it. But here she gives her motivation for sticking to English, and that is that she doesn't feel she's good enough at speaking Swedish. Boarding schools like Hillerska attracts international students that have some kind of connection to the country, so a likely scenario is that Madison grew up in the US with a Swedish parent, and she's being sent here to experience Swedish culture and get immersed in the language to learn it better.

Cinematography: This shot of August drives really home all the pressure he is under, he's out of drugs, the headmistress just hinted that he's out of money, and he's literally being weighed down by books and work-out weights.

Subtext: Simon has kept his visits to Micke a secret from Sara, so here he has to intervene to make sure August doesn't accidentally reveal this to her. He also wants to protect his sister, so he's redirecting August's search for drugs onto himself.

Subtext: And on the flipside, Simon isn't really telling his dad that Sara still hates him and really doesn't want to see him, so he's vague when Micke asks about Sara and Linda.

Culture: Finally a bottle of medicine where we can read the label! Unfortunately for Simon, this is Tramadol, an opiate prescribed for pain relief, which is the complete opposite of the kind of drugs August wants.

Subtext: If you haven't figured out yet that this episode is about class journeys, August spells it out for us here. However, the reason he's "congratulating" Simon in front of everybody is because Simon just supplied him with more drugs, so this is his way of thanking him, since he can't really pay him.

Blink and you miss it: For a split second, Wilhelm grabs Simon's leg during the scary scene.

Subtext: The entire dialogue of the movie works as subtext for what's actually going on between Wilhelm and Simon at this point, and Wilhelm is getting a little freaked out by this sneaky display of affection.

Subtext: The movie also puts words on the implications of Wilhelm getting together with a boy, what about having kids in the future? Can you carry on your family name and traditions, or will they die with you?

Lost in translation: The plaque actually says "FEEL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HERITAGE". Even though the plaque means the heritage and legacy of the school itself, Wilhelm is thinking about his legacy, his heritage, and how getting together with Simon would threaten that.

Lost in translation: Wilhelm actually says "jag är inte en..." - "I'm not a..." before he stops himself. So it's not possible that he was trying to say "I'm not gay", because that doesn't work grammatically in Swedish either. He could be trying to say "I'm not a guy like that" or "I'm not a guy who likes guys", that would work.

Cinematography: The framing and silhouetting of this shot is just chef's kiss. The outline of their hair allows us to see who is who, and we can see from their poses that Simon is welcoming a kiss, while Wilhelm is still hesitating.

#young royals #young royals subtext #young royals analysis

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quibblesandscribbles · 3 years ago

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Centaurworld Rewrite: A Serious Adventure AU - S1E1 Outline

I’m doing rewrite outlines, prepare for some AU. That being said, I still like several parts of Centaurworld a lot, namely Rider, Horse, Wammawink, and whatever the hell is going on with the Nowhere King, and hope there’s a second season to watch (which I will if Netflix doesn’t ruin our hopes and dreams).

Anyways, here’s like, a rewrite or whatever. I will probably post the outlines as I go, episode by episode. Will I get to them all? ADHD-willing, we’ll see. Also feel free to use these ideas/outlines? I don’t mind.

Also assume there are songs in this even if I don’t specifically mention all of them. Also I guess this rewrite kinda chains the 1st and 2nd episodes together as a two parter? Maybe, idk.

Also I’ll preface this with this too: I ship Wammahorse, yes I SHIPSHIP it. Moving on.

Some headcanons before we start:

Warworld (*the world Rider and Horse are from) is a Low Fantasy Setting, there IS magic, but it comes in two variations, either very subtle low-powered but relatively uncommon, or Terrifyingly Powerful and so extremely rare to the point that it’s not very well known and “just myths” (usually for Big Baddies)

Ideas for Horse’s Degree of Sapience Prior to Worldhopping:

A: Horse was just a regular, non-magical horse, and their exposure to the Artifact and Centaurworld has essentially made them a Fully Uplifted Animal. - This is interesting, but ultimately a difficult idea to convey because it would require a lot more setup and wouldn’t exactly fit Horse’s characterization without some rework. This is an amazing idea, but I won’t be using it because it would slow things down too much.

B: Horse is a low-fantasy magic steed raised as warhorse/war asset, who is much smarter than your average animal steed/companion similar to a DND Ranger’s pets, or Mabari from Dragon Age, or a Ranger Horse from John Flanagan’s ‘Ranger’s Apprentice.’ The combined exposure to the Artifact and Centaurworld could account for her gaining speech and her body expressing limited physical adaptation to Centaurworld’s different physics (her body’s new extended range of motion for example) but of course I’ll be limiting this because having stakes make it more fun imho. This is my favorite, I’m using this.

Horse would’ve been considered a very valuable war asset (trained warhorses are like, historical ferraris, expensive as hell, i can only imagine what low-magical smart warhorses would be valued at), though still ultimately expendable for the war effort like anything else

Let Horse have horse behaviors (*can you tell I haven’t really left my horse phase behind lol)! Nipping and grooming behaviors as affection or warnings, ear positions to indicate mood, grazing to eat, laying down only when truly relaxed, sleeping standing up. COME ON.

Centaurworld is a High Fantasy world with an Absurdist bent but with darker undertones, similar to how Adventure Time is, with an extremely high saturation of magic, maybe you could even theorize that due to the Splitting of the Two Worlds that all the magic is being Dammed up in Centaurworld like a river or reservoir, this could be a future plot thread that could be picked up in a later season.

Basic Changes:

Durpleton, Glendale, Ched and Zulius are supporting cast, not main

Durpleton is less stupid and more of a Kronk-expy: a little dim but ultimately kind/means well, has at least 1 life skill he’s good at buried in there though for the life of me I can’t think of one right now.

Glendale’s Narrative Framing: Glendale is amazing, but the kleptomania will be allotted ONE (or two) joke mentions but narratively isn’t treated like one after, somehow establish that her kleptomania is directly intertwined with her anxiety levels. Are there other denizens of the Valley that know the Herd? Are they mad at Glendale for stealing things? Does Wammawink have to constantly run interference to cover for Glendale? Probably.

Make Ched look like less of a pointless asshole: Have him show concern for his friends’ safety and his suspicion of outsiders, AKA Horse. If he’s going to be a jerk, at least let it serve a purpose.

Zulius can stay roughly the same - Zulius is great okay, just don’t tell me there’s backstory and then NOT TELL OR SHOW US ANY CLUES about what said backstory/history IS! (other than forcing us infer/project the headcanon[?] that him and Splendib might’ve been exes, from how they act around each other without any other context/visual/or confirming exposition we literally know nothing other than Splendib and him split/had a nasty falling out and Splendib took the glittercats and the career in the divorce.)

S1E1: Hello Rainbow Road

Opening scene in Warworld

If these episodes were allowed to be longer (shuddup it’s my AU), have the scene open with Horse sees Rider comes running out of some underground castle ruin catacombs and ominous roaring and clanging behind her as she deliberately sets off a dungeon booby trap (arrows or fire) she must’ve avoided while dungeon crawling earlier, and Horse runs towards her and circles at a canter and then Rider does a Running Mount (mounting a horse while the horse is in motion) and shoots an arrow at that flies offscreen

Smash cut to the DRAWBRIDGE door falling and Rider and Horse come galloping out while dodging some javelins and arrows and 1.5 seconds later 1-4 armored minotaurs (the lizardmen?) riding some coursers (swift horses or horselike creatures idk have fun) gallop behind in hot pursuit.

WARWORLD CHASE/FIGHT SCENE

Rider and Horse take out 2 of the pursuers on the run have Rider stay on horseback, dodge and make 1 pursuer shoot/javelin another 1 into a nasty-looking fall, and then Rider nails another 1 right through the helmet visor with an arrow. Have Rider throw a smoke bomb or something at the 2 remaining ones trying to catch up.

2 Enemies left but Horse is forced to skid to a stop as the suspension bridge approaches, then a tense moment forced to walk in order to escape safely across the suspension bridge which Rider cuts once they’re across. Maybe have 1 of the minotaur pursuers having been on the bridge somewhat behind them before Rider had to cut the line, sending the enemy hurtling down below. The remaining minotaur scout stares at them ominously from the other side before leaving.

Have Rider breath a sigh of relief

Smash cut to Horse and Rider traveling across a wartorn landscape, start Horse’s internal monologue narrative until they finally get to the hill and see the ruins of their village

Everything from this point to Horse getting transported to Centaurworld is the same as canon

Not Actually a DREAMVISION SEQUENCE:

Shot/Animated from Horse’s 1st Person POV: Darkness, the sound of whooshing Horse falls, shimmering flash colors [if this were an actual show pls put a Epilepsy warning at the beginning of the ep], then a loud Splash as Horse falls into Dark Water. POV looks down and we see Horse’s front legs and a bottomless abyss below and a then flash of green and off-white from deep below, then look up to see blue light, see the swimming motions of Horse’s front legs and getting closer to the Blue Light

Horse wakes up, blinking, alone (no Durpleton)

Horse gets up looks around, doesn’t see Rider anywhere and starts makes Whinnying sounds (specifically, Whinnying is a social horse call, like specifically going, “Rider where are you!?” in IRL horse)

“And what are you supposed to be?” the “camera” wheels around to see Ched who has landed on Horse just within reach of her tail so Horse lets out a startled squeal (the Horse noise, not the human one) and does that thing where horses use their tails to swat away insects which sends Ched FLYING as Horse’s squealing morphs into her Talking/Yelling “what the heck is going on?!”

Horse does what panicked horses do, she runs

Horse stumbles into meeting Durpleton, who freaks her out more

Meeting kinda the same as canon but with less constant emphasis on reminding the audience that the writer’s can’t write comedy

Wammawink and Horse meet, Ched flies in and goes “hey that asshole kicked my a-I mean attacked me, but I totally beat ‘em.”

Horse tries to leave, discovers the Barrier, tries to get through, fails multiple times, but only 3-4 attempts shown with time passage show by the time of day changing, have Horse’ talking to herself a bit about how utterly weird the talking words thing is, that this is a “human” thing why is this HAPPENING she needs to get back

Waste less time on the visual gags of the Barrier repelling Horse, also get rid of the Tree Catapult scene because it doesn’t jive with Horse being a horse, why do they know how to make a catapult? Also because I hate how it basically shows us that Horse has no physical danger or chance of injury from being FLUNG around like Pokemon’s Team Rocket.

Have the rest of the centaur Herd come up to and talk to Horse while Horse is trying to get through the Barrier, and Horse talks about the outside and her world and doing things, squeeze in some convo about how there’s no (current) war in Centaurworld and how Horse thinks that that “freedom must be nice.” Anyways these conversations are what has Glendale, Zulius and Durpleton at least considering the ups of leaving.

Durpleton: Durpleton approaches Horse alone and asks about where she’s from, what’s home like, expositiony bits for Warworld and how much Horse needs to get herself and the Artifact back to Rider; Horse should say something offhand, like how she dreamed about exploring the world with Rider after the War seeing new things together, to which we’d cut to a shot of Durpleton looking thoughtful, before asking a completely unrelated question before Horse asks to be left alone. He doesn’t go originally, but gets distracted by something (butterfly?) and trots off.

Wammawink, Ched & Glendale: Atop a hill, Wammawink looks up to see stormclouds gathering off in the distance and comments that they’re going to be in for some rough weather, then goes over to offer Horse food, but gets distracted by some other Valley Denizens who are mad suspicious that Glendale is responsible for something of theirs that’s missing. Leaving Wammawink to go off and have to run interference leaving Glendale to approach Horse alone. Horse will learn that there’s no (current) war in Centaurworld but there was one historically, and Glendale will offhandedly mention that they’ve stolen everything from everyone in the Valley at least 4 times and with the unspoken implication of boredom. Ched will butt in and heckle Horse like, “could you leave any quieter?” and Horse sniping back, ears pinned back and animated horse stress behaviors. And Horse’s last failed attempt at passing the Barrier has them drop the Artifact, and we get a shot of Glendale spotting and eyes widening at seeing the Artifact unattended on the ground, then we get a smash cut of Glendale getting herded away by Ched.

Zulius: Goes over to ask about Horse’s avante garde accessories (her bridle, saddle & armor[barding]), makes comments on her style/aesthetic and asks where he could find some. Horse loses her patience, and says that she Needs to concentrate on getting back to someone they care a lot about and could you please just go away?

Horse: (voiced as a rhetorical question) “Haven’t you ever wanted to go back to someone you loved before?”

Zulius gets a Look on his face, then he’d puff up, cover up the Armor Piercing Question’s effect on him with more bluster and then turn away as it gets later

Around sunset, Horse finally gives in to go ask Wammawink what’s up, and how can they leave.

Wammawink tries to feed them and convince them to stay, but Horse waves her off and moves away while muttering something about coming up with a plan

Speaking of plans, the Herd excluding Wammawink (& Ched) start talking about being bored, and mention Horse saying stuff about exploring the world (taken out of context, deliberately)

Wammawink, smelling the ugly head of discontent, sighs in defeat at not being able to recruit this new outcast in the Herd and approaches a grazing Horse and says she’ll help her through it with her magic(not admitting that the Barrier is her magic working in the first place because it’s not relevant right now okay) but then we get the “What’s magic?” bit from Horse and the rest of the Herd butts in with the Song. They wander off to go to bed afterwards, and Horse wants to go Now but Wammawink says that she’ll help Horse leave the Barrier but only in the morning because “you look tired”

Horse: “That doesn’t matter.” *awkward silence*

Wammawink, sadly: “Of course it does.” *Horse has already walked away*

The sun finishes setting as the wind blows the plants and through Wammawink’s fur (ominously) and she shivers, going back to the campfire

DREAM SEQUENCE: It’s dark, then we get a flashback dream of a younger Rider and Horse, idk a memory of something to showcase them either while in training or really show their Bond okay? End with them sitting around a campfire with other young soldiers and horses, someone is humming something (the first few bars of the Nowhere King’s Lullaby, no actual words yet). Then Dream!Rider turns to face Horse and asks, “how could you?”

Horse: “How could I what?”

Dream!Rider: “How could you leave me behind?” (The humming grows louder, there’s a lute being played, growing discordant)

Then Horse starts calling into the darkness/void, “I’m coming back for you, Rider! Just hang on, alright?!”

Rider: “Oh Horse, it’s already too late for me.”

“Rider!” Horse yells as they jolt awake, standing, because horses typically sleep standing up.

It’s dawn but the wind and stormy weather signs are picking up but not here yet, Wammawink walks Horse to the edge of the Valley barrier and tries to convince Horse to stay here where it’s safe, but Horse refuses to be deterred

Brief shot of Glendale hiding a bunch of things from her Tummy Hammerspace in order to simulate the feeling of stealing things again later, including the Artifact which falls on the ground

A shot of Durpleton seeing and picking up the Artifact and spotting Wammawink and Horse some distance away going toward the barrier’s edge

Wammawink hangs back on a hill, glowy hands and the magic wall flickers and disappears, and Horse immediately breaks into a gallop and disappears into the forest, Wammawink sighs and turns away

Indeterminate amount of time later, Wammawink recasts the Barrier, and Durpleton misses breakfast so Wammawink enlists Ched to help her look for him because Ched can fly

Cut to a shot of Horse dropping from a canter to a trot on the Rainbow Road, it’s grown darker and the stormclouds are in the sky. Distant thunder booms overhead, and a few scattered raindrops start to fall

“Heyyyy! You forgot your necklaceeee!” a shout from behind

Horse looks back and sees a running Durpleton holding the Artifact, and stops, he catches up to Horse and is gasping, “Wow, you run fast, hoooo, *deep breaths* you’re really *another gasp* athletic! Anyways you forgot your Necklace.”

Durpleton ties the broken string into a necklace around Horse’s neck and Horse thanks them and wishes them a safe journey back to the Valley, but as this happens the rain gradually falls harder. Then the sounds of the Rest of the Herd finally catching up happen, and Wammawink mother hens Durpleton and wants take everyone back home but then a loud BOOM of thunder and lightning overhead, and then it starts to Pour down rain, forcing Horse and co to find shelter until it lets up. Maybe have someone mention something about landslides being a possibility? Durpleton asks how they found them so fast, dim remember, then brief flashback.

FLASHBACK: Wammawink and co searching and calling out for Durpleton everywhere in the Valley, and realize that he must’ve followed Horse for some reason when Zulius FINALLY shows up and mentions that he remembers Durpleton saying he was gonna give Horse back her necklace. The recast Barrier is brought down and they leave the Valley to bring back their friend.

Back to the present where the group has taken shelter as the storm picks up more, and thunder booms overhead, Horse has some nervous horse body language going on, then we get to hear her mutter-singing or humming the “I never fear the drums of war” to calm herself down, but with more stanzas please, when asked she says it’s a battle hymn that Rider sang.

If Horse was humming, Wammawink could ask why she doesn’t sing, she’s sure that Horse has a lovely voice

Horse goes “I’m a horse, I don’t sing.”

Wammawink tries to be encouraging, Horse is resistant

Wammawink invites her to eat (AGAIN) but Horse still turns her (love and affection) down (AGAIN!) and says she’s fine with grazing and Glendale pipes in excitedly that they have decided that they want to travel with Horse (Ched pipes up that he didn’t agree to this) but pls help us convince Wammawink and Horse protests but someone points out to ask “do you even know where you’re going” and they have a point

Horse acknowledges this and relents, states some stuff about how she’s not going to slow down much however. Then Glendale, Zulius and Durpleton rejoice, Ched acts tsundere, but Wammawink looks nervous and wrings her hands together and relents that “they’ll go with Horse as far as the nearest Shaman” and Ched will go, “hey don’t you know he-” and Wammawink shushes him quickly with a gigglecake

Wammawink doubles down on the mother henning behavior

Horse doesn’t eat Wammawink’s gigglecakes but grazes by herself nearby, occasionally answering a question or two when engaged by the others (not Wammawink) and Wammawink mentions how the weather probably won’t let up for very long and they should take it slow and that Horse should bundle up

Horse disagrees but its bedtime and a bedtime song occurs in the backdrop as a restless Horse struggles to stay alert and awake but eventually falls asleep

VISION SEQUENCE: A shimmer of soft blue light, then shots of Rider ducking and weaving, her sword flashing as she tries to weave her way through a horde of enemy soldiers, blood spatters, then an enemy archer takes aim at a fleeing Rider, and Horse calls out a warning.

Rider turns her head with a surprised look on her face suddenly just enough that the arrow buries itself into her shoulder instead the middle of her back and then she stumbles, one of her arms going limp, but everything goes dark before we can see if she fell

Everything goes dark and the din of war fades away, we get a shot of Horse’s hooves splashing and making ripples into dark water but the camera doesn’t follow her, we hear Horse’s cries for Rider fade, growing further and further away

Still dark, but in the silence we hear distant sound, drip, drip, drip, drip.

Then the episode ends and the credits roll.

#centaurworld #centaurworld spoilers #centaurworld wammawink #centaurworld rider #centaurworld horse #centaurworld headcanons #centaurworld au #centaurworld rewrite #centaurworld a serious adventure au #wow I suck at naming things #centaurworld season 1 #fixed the ending scene order #your welcome

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lazyliars · 4 years ago

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Thinking about Tales from The SMP...

So, If I’m interpreting things correctly, Karl canonically doesn’t get to choose when or where he time travels to, meaning that something, or if the books are any indicator, someone, is deciding where he goes, and what “story” he experiences.

“Stories like todays can show that not everything necessarily has to end in misery.”

So, setting aside the obvious question of Who, I’d like to take a moment to consider some of the Why.

Namely, why are the stories that Karl is experiencing necessary for whatever it is he’s doing/going to do?

The Masquerade makes the most sense as of right now - It gives Karl forewarning about the Egg, how it operates, and that it’s old.

It, interestingly enough, doesn’t give us more than that. The only new piece of information the viewers get is, as previously mentioned, that the Egg has been around for awhile.

This lets the theorists narrow things down a little, but the general viewership doesn’t get much out of this nugget of information, so we have to assume that the narrative purpose this serves is to bring Karl up to speed on the Egg stuff.

The Lost City of Mizu again reaffirms the information we already have. In it’s climactic reveal of the Dream Room, we learn that Dream was worshiped through blood sacrifice, and that Ranbob might have murdered the entire city, which reminds Karl and the audience that Dream’s Not A Good Fella.

We could also extrapolate that this is a warning from the In-between that Ranboo is compromised and/or has a connection to Dream, but we’ve yet to see them interact properly so that’s just speculation for now.

The other episodes are less clear in their intended message, lesson, or warning.

The Town that Went Mad gave little to no concrete links to the modern day SMP (until Ponk began to tie it into his lore, which is baller btw go check him out, but which afaik was not planned during the writing of the episode so I’m not counting it to be safe.)

Tubbo/Robin also drops a line about the “Red-Eyed Village Wars” which some have linked to Egg plot. The time period could easily line up with the Masquerade and The Wild West, but there’s every chance that this was a throwaway line from Tubbo, and completely unplanned. We just don’t know.

But more than lore drops, The Town That Went Mad shows Karl an eerily familiar scene - a community of people tearing themselves apart to root out the source of conflict. It’s not quite a 1-1, as the town did have more clear cut “bad guys” then the current SMP, but the similarity remains.

I’ll only count The Town That Never Was as tentatively part of the tales canon. It was the pilot episode, and it doesn’t involve time travel, at least as far as we know.

As for what it has to teach, it’s a clear recreation of the destruction of L’manberg. I don’t know what this teaches, but, uh, yeah.

Then there’s the Beach Episode... It’s got that early installment weirdness, Karl is still very obviously working out the kinks in his storytelling style and voice, and it’s clear that he hasn’t fleshed out what he wants this to be yet. As a consequence, the following theory is tenuous at best, please take it with a grain of salt.

At first glance, the Beach Episode seems to have no lore-relevance. It’s just a fun jaunt between a group of friends.

But, this was streamed on Jan 9th - a time at which Dream had just blown L’manberg up with Techno, and was hiding outside of the SMP lands. This episode also features Ranboo and Dream, the former of which has stated that he and Dream haven’t spoken once, meaning that either he was in Enderwalk when this happened, or this episode not only doesn’t fit into the timeline, but it doesn’t fit into the canon at all.

Now, there’s a good chance that this is just meant to be taken as a filler episode, and we should ignore the canon inconsistencies. However, I’m have adhd that want thing be deeper than it is.

I propose that this Episode is canonical, and takes place in an Alternate Universe - visited by Karl to teach him that, despite how horrible things are right now, they could be better, even idyllic, where a group of friends can cavort around a beach and look for treasure without a care in the world.

This explains the inconsistencies - In this Universe, Dream either didn’t blow up L’manberg, or Ranboo and the rest of the dteam + Bad didn’t mind him doing so.

This opens the door for other AU themed episodes though - silly ones, serious ones... I for one would love to see an over-the-top “darkest timeline” episode, where everyone talks in a low, gruff voice and tries to be darker and edgier than each other.

More lore-oriented, we could see canon-divergence - maybe a “Pog 2020 wins the Elections” story, or a “What if Eret never betrayed?”

I feel like this would give a lot of freedom and give some opportunities to people to explore their current characters on the SMP in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to. It also serves the narrative, giving Karl reason(s) not to mess up the timeline, lest he get these strange offshoots.

Anyway, I would love to hear what people think about this, and any ideas for AUs that could be explored through the Tales format...

#tftsmp #tales from the smp #dream smp #Karl Jacobs

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rolandtowen · 3 years ago

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Kiss It Better

Sokka builds a blanket fort. Zuko info-dumps about ADHD and chronic pain. Fluff ensues.

Read it under the cut!

"Sokka?"

A mess of brown hair and blue eyes peers out from underneath a carefully constructed cocoon of blankets. Zuko's standing in their bedroom doorway, holding Sokka's medication organizer.

"When was the last time you remember taking your meds?"

"Hmm... Thursday?" Comes Sokka's voice, muffled by the blankets.

Zuko flipped through the pill pockets. "No, looks like Tuesday."

"How bad is that? What day is today?"

Zuko sits on the edge of their bed, close enough to hold Sokka's hand but not close enough to disrupt his carefully crafted fort. "Well firstly, today is Sunday." Sokka groans and brings his free hand to his forehead. Zuko presses on, squeezing his other hand. "Secondly, taking your meds is morally neutral. Forgetting doesn't make you a bad person, it just means we need to find a routine that works better for you."

Sokka nods and Zuko can see the gears turning in his brain.

"Can I ask why you're in a blanket fort? Is it your knee?"

As a kid with ADHD, Sokka played a lot of sports: hockey, basketball, even tennis. But football is what did him in - in his senior year in high school, an unfortunate tackle tore his ACL, dislocated his left knee, and created hairline fractures in his calf bones. The Dancing Dragons won the game, but Sokka spent the rest of his senior year recovering. After almost five years, all it takes is one bad twist during a rush in the coffee shop and Sokka's down for the count.

"What gave it away?" Zuko looks up from their joined hands to see Sokka smiling at him, his bitterness at his body softened by Zuko's presence.

"Well, for one, the heating pad was mysteriously absent from our med drawer - and you're also in a blanket fort." Zuko squeezes Sokka's hand. "May I join you?"

"But of course, my love," Sokka pulls back the comforter, slapping the empty mattress beside him. "By all means, come on into Fort Chronic Pain."

Zuko laughs, settling next to his boyfriend and curling into him. "You're ridiculous."

"That's why you love me." Sokka starts combing his fingers through Zuko's long hair. "How were your classes today?"

Sokka knows that if he can get Zuko talking about school, he won't be so worried about Sokka's knee.

"Are you trying to get me to stop worrying about you? It won't work." Sokka sighs.

"Maybe, I think your med school classes are interesting."

Zuko, for all his worrying, had passed the MCAT, graduated summa cum laude, and was now studying for his M. D. at the prestigious Beifong Medical School. Sokka hadn't doubted him for a second. Zuko never gave up and never backed down. The man could grapple with the Sun and win unscathed.

"-oned?" Zuko's voice comes from below him.

"Huh?"

"I asked, 'are you zoned'?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I-"

Zuko waves him off. "What's the last thing you remember? I can start over."

"I remember asking you about classes, and you wrongfully accusing me of trying to distract you."

Zuko snorts. "My favorite class by far has been Mental Health and Physiology. I think it's highly admirable that med schools are starting to integrate mental and physical health, and not teaching them separately."

"What kind of things have you learned?"

"Like, people with anxiety may present with back pain that doesn't correlate to an injury; the excess stress can really do strange things to your muscles - and we should still holistically treat patients without just dismissing them and telling them to relax."

Sokka nods. "That makes a lot of sense, baby. You're so smart."

"Oh, shut up." Zuko can feel his cheeks warm at the compliment. "But, we also talked about ADHD and chronic pain, which I thought you might like to hear?"

"Of course, turtleduck. Amaze me." Sokka rests his hand on Zuko's hair, running his thumb across the curve of his head. "Info-dump away."

Zuko takes a deep breath in. "Okay, so, there are significant studies that show that people with ADHD experience chronic pain at a higher level than the average population - there are a few theories as to why this might be. Many people with ADHD experience hypertonia, or muscle overactivity. This can make it really difficult to fully relax tense muscles, and increases chance of injury. Additionally, low dopamine is considered to be one of the causes of ADHD, and dopamine regulates chronic pain signals. Most of the research has only been done in the last decade, so it's going to be really exciting to see what new treatments develop - previously, dopamine wasn't really known to be connected to pain regulation at all." Zuko turns to look up at Sokka. "You never know, there might be an effective treatment for your leg in the next decade."

Sokka wants to be hopeful, he does, but he's been trying to treat his chronic pain for five years, and he's had limited success. Going to a chiropractor helped a little, the physical therapist gave him some great exercises for strengthening the tendons supporting his knee, and cutting back on inflammatory foods lessened the pain level whenever he entered a flare - but he still got flares. A hike could knock him off his feet for weeks; a rainy day could be agonizing. He just wishes there was a simple solution - but as much as homeopathic Karens in the coffee shop try to convince him, there's no one-step solution. No, Janet, as good as your essential oil blend smells, it isn't going to take the place of physical therapy, preventative care, and lifestyle changes. Just like for his ADHD. It takes dedication to a process of self-care to make improvement in either arena.

And if the off-schedule pill organizer in Zuko's hands is any indication, dedication to a process can feel fucking impossible with ADHD.

"Can I do anything to help?" Sokka looks down to see Zuko's amber eyes staring up at him, offering comfort no blanket fort could provide.

"Can you..."

"Yeah?"

Sokka swallows. "Could you, maybe... kiss it better?"

Zuko's eyes practically sing his answer: "Of course I can."

Zuko gingerly moves the heating pad from its spot on Sokka's left knee. He tips his head down, pressing a featherlight kiss to Sokka's kneecap. He murmurs something under his breath.

"Sorry, what was that?"

Zuko looks at him sheepishly. "I said, 'the patella'.

Sokka can't hold back the laughter that bubbles out of his chest. "You're using me for anatomy study?"

"Seems like a fair trade. You get kisses and I get to study at the same time." Zuko drops another kiss to Sokka's knee. "Both the elbows and the knees are constructed with hinge joints." Zuko presses a firmer kiss to Sokka's thigh. "This is the femur, the thighbone - the longest and strongest bone in your body."

Sokka opens his mouth to make a joke, but Zuko beats him to it: "If you make a joke about your dick, I'm donating you to my cadaver class." Sokka's jaw snaps shut.

Zuko drops another two kisses on either side of Sokka's calf. "Tibia and fibula," he whispers. "These are the ones you broke senior year."

"Only hairline fractures," Sokka corrects.

"Can you still feel it?"

Sokka shakes his head. "It's the ACL that still bothers me the most."

"Do you want some lidocaine?"

"Spirits, yes."

Zuko rummages through their nightstand, pulling the blessed tub of Icy Hot out of the top drawer, and spreading a thin layer over Sokka's knee. He traces soft patterns into his knee as they wait for the lidocaine to kick in.

"If you say 'patella' again, I'm going to smack you." Sokka eyes him from where he's leaning against the headboard.

"Of course not," Zuko takes Sokka's right hand into his and presses a kiss to the back of it. "Metacarpals."

"You fucker-"

"Don't get riled up and undo all my hard work." Zuko massages the palm of Sokka's hand. "Is the leg better?"

"Much better."

"So we still have the original problem."

"The meds?"

Zuko nods. "So I know you've been trying to take them as soon as you wake up..."

"But?"

"I think you should task-stack it," Zuko says, running his thumb absent-mindedly over Sokka's knee. "You should pair with something you do everyday."

"Like what?"

"You make yourself a wicked pour-over every morning. What if you kept your meds by the kettle and then took them while you waited for the water to get hot?"

Sokka face pauses, processing. "Huh."

"Would... would that work?"

Sokka smiles, beaming at him. "That's a brilliant idea, turtleduck." He opens his arms up, patting the space underneath him. "Come up here?"

"If you insist," Zuko quips. "Do you want me to make fried rice tonight? I can even bring it to you if you want."

"You're literally the light of my life."

Zuko laughs. "I'll take that to heart." He snuggles up under Sokka's chin. "Do you feel better?"

"So much better." Sokka pushes back Zuko's hair from his face and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. "Thanks to you."

"Frontal bone," Zuko murmurs.

"Seriously?!"

Zuko cackles.

#mine #zuko #atla #sokka #rolandtowen #zukka #avatar #avatar: tla #autistic zuko #sokka has adhd #med school au #neurodiverse zukka #neurodivergent zukka #neurodiverse au #tw: medication #tw: medical

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missmentelle · 4 years ago

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Would you say it's the same thing for ADHD? I was diagnosed as having 'traits of adhd' a few years back and always assumed it was more a reflection of the fact that i was diagnosed by a med student not being supervised who made some significant errors in the way she tested me as well as omitting what I thought were some significant observations from her writeup, but I've been wondering lately whether I am actually ADHD or not

It’s the same for all disorders - if a diagnosing professional wrote down on a psychology report that you have “traits of” a mental disorder, it means that they felt you did not meet the criteria for a full diagnosis at that time, most likely for one of five reasons:

You didn’t have enough symptoms to meet the minimum required for the diagnosis, or you were missing a key symptom that is required to make that diagnosis.

Your symptoms are not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis; they do not cause significant disruption or impairment in your daily life.

Your symptoms only occur in one specific context (eg. you have symptoms at school, but not at home, work or with friends), or your symptoms are a side effect of medication or intoxication.

Your symptoms have not been going on long enough to meet the criteria for the diagnosis, they don’t occur frequently enough to make the diagnosis, you have long symptom-free periods that negate the diagnosis, or your symptoms did not appear at an age consistent with the onset of that diagnosis.

You sort of meet the criteria for the diagnosis, but there is a different diagnosis that does a much better job of explaining your symptoms (this is sometimes listed as a “differential diagnosis”, rather than “traits of X”).

A report stating that a person has “traits of” a certain disorder or “features of” a disorder is actually extremely common. I’ve probably read more than thousand psych reports at this point in my career, and it’s quite normal for phrasing like that to appear on them. Usually, this is actually a sign that the person is being rather thorough - they are noting that they considered ADHD as a possible diagnosis but ultimately could not make the diagnosis for some reason or other. As I said, other reports may format this differently, and include a list of “differential diagnoses” in the conclusion - this is a list of diagnoses that they considered but ultimately ruled out for one reason or another.

Unfortunately, learning that you have “traits” of a disorder doesn’t really tell us much, especially without seeing the full psych report. Maybe you didn’t have ADHD then, but you have since developed it. Maybe you don’t have it and never did. Maybe you have some other sort of executive dysfunction or disorder that explains your symptoms, but it was missed the last time around. Maybe a diagnosis of ADHD was warranted back then, and still is. Maybe you only have ADHD symptoms in a specific context, which would make you ineligible for diagnosis but suggests there is something going on that needs to be addressed. I don’t know enough about your case to know for sure. All that I know is that the only way to be sure if you have ADHD - or any other mental disorder that you may be concerned about - is to seek a second opinion and get another assessment done.

(I’m going to give some clarification about what having “traits of” a disorder means for other readers who may have similar questions. You should know, though, that ADHD is actually slightly different than other disorders like BPD that you may have “traits of” - ADHD is a neurological condition that responds to medication, and if you are given ADHD medication when you don’t actually have ADHD, you are going to notice pretty quickly that you’ve been misdiagnosed. If you calm down and get more sleep while taking what is effectively speed, you can be pretty sure that ADHD is the correct diagnosis for you. People with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia, PTSD and BPD don’t have the same kind of litmus test available for their diagnosis.)

It’s important to remember that everyone has traits of at least one diagnosable disorder - most people will have traits of several. Some people are more easily distractible than others, some people have more trouble sleeping, some people are naturally low-energy or feel more intense emotions. If you browse through a copy of the DSM-V, you are going to find some stuff in there that sounds like it applies to you. Nobody has perfect mental health, especially in their teens and early 20s. But most people do not meet the criteria for the diagnosis of a mental disorder.

This is where we have to think critically about what a diagnosis actually is, why we do it, and what it actually means. Diagnosing a psychological disorder is not like diagnosing a medical disorder, where we can do some blood tests and scans and know exactly what a person has. Psychological diagnoses are always subjective, to some extent - we made categories to describe common clusters of behaviours and symptoms, and we decided where to draw the line between “someone who is just quirky” and “someone who needs formal psychological treatment”. Where exactly we draw that line has always been the subject of debate.

We could make it so that everyone who has any sort of mental health flaw at all gets diagnosed with a disorder, but that sort of defeats the point of diagnosis - if almost everyone on earth has a diagnosis, then a diagnosis effectively becomes meaningless. There’s no longer meaningful distinction between “someone with an overactive imagination” and “someone with treatment-resistant psychosis” - it all just gets slapped with the same diagnosis. It can also lead us to “medicalize” behaviours that might not need to be “medicalized”. After all, if we diagnose someone, we need to do something about that diagnosis. Diagnosing them means we’ve identified that they need some sort of treatment or intervention. But do all quirks in human behavior really need to be ironed out with treatment? Do we really want to build a world where everyone who falls outside a very rigid definition of mental health gets told that they have something wrong with them? Likewise, if we make diagnosis too restrictive, that’s not good either. Now we have the opposite problem - if we make the criteria for a diagnosis too strict and too narrow, we miss people who might seriously benefit from having treatment. If we say “you need to be severely suicidal before we can diagnose you with depression”, we’re going to overlook a lot of non-suicidal people whose depressive symptoms are ruining their lives, and who could be treated if we just recognized them as depressed. If we are only diagnosing and helping the most severe of the severe cases, we aren’t really making good use of the tools available to us and diagnosis once again becomes basically meaningless, because not having one is no longer a good indicator of whether or not you need help.

Diagnosis is a balancing act, and there are a lot of people who fall in kind of a grey area where it’s not totally clear if we should be diagnosing them or not. People are complicated, and they rarely fit neatly into categories. If we have a twenty-year-old girl who experiments with drugs, has a lot of short-term and casual dating relationships that end poorly, struggles to make and keep friends, and doesn’t really have a stable sense of who she is and what she wants, does she have BPD? Or is she just a normal 20-year-old? How would we decide? If we diagnose her, we might be pathologizing behaviour that isn’t really all that unusual for her age group, and making her feel like she’s defective for struggling with things that are pretty normal for someone her age to be struggling with; diagnosing her could make her believe that she’s incapable of healthy relationships, which could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if we don’t diagnose her, we could be missing the fact that she does actually have a fairly serious disorder, and depriving her of the chance to get life-changing treatment that might help her develop the healthier, more fulfilling relationships that she has been missing out on. We could be leaving her to deal with her destructive behaviours on her own, without having any of the language or tools she needs to disrupt those patterns.

If you’ve been assessed by a mental health professional and you have questions about how they reached the conclusions they did, I encourage you to ask questions and have an open conversation about your symptoms, possible treatments and needs. If you don’t feel that they have a good understanding of your case, I highly encourage you to get a second opinion on your diagnosis from another professional. Whenever possible, seek a diagnosis from someone who specializes in mental health - this should be a psychologist or psychiatrist (or in some cases, a neurologist), and not a general practitioner or family doctor (some family doctors can diagnose and treat basic depression, but even then, you should seek a referral to a specialist for further treatment and assessment). Also remember that diagnosis does not have to be a barrier to seeking therapy - anyone can get therapy, even if they do not meet the criteria for a psychological diagnosis, and everyone can benefit from seeking out a therapist to improve their coping skills, social skills, and general mental health. Hope this answers your question! MM

#Anonymous #AnsweredByMM

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silenthillmutual · 4 years ago

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[ID: Anonymous said: this isnt like, a demand or request, just an expression of interest - you mentioned in your daniil-is-autistic post that you also think artemy is neurodivergent, and i would really enjoy seeing a similar post on that topic. thank you, have a nice day.]

(anon is referring to this post!)

i do have some thoughts that i would like to share about that topic! however comma, it probably will not be as in-depth as my post about daniil, as i am myself autistic and have had a couple years since being diagnosed to ruminate on places where that has affected my life, and so it’s easier to write about coming from a place of personal experience. i can do the same with depression, for the same reason.

i have a couple of ideas about what artemy could have:

adhd

ptsd

ocd

i won’t really be going into ptsd or ocd on this post because i feel like it’s more difficult to point the ptsd out (artemy doesn’t talk much about or flashback at all to being on the front) and because i think ocd should have its own post. it is severely misunderstood, even by other neurodivergent people. plus i think all four of the healers have it (or aspects of it), and this post is about artemy.

i feel like… something about the dsmv diagnostic criteria for adhd feels condescending to me, like it feels the way it’s worded places a lot of the blame on the person who has it? and some of the criteria like “fails to follow through on instructions”, “does not seem to listen when spoken to directly”, “has trouble holding attention on tasks” can depend greatly on the player. not as much of that is baked into artemy’s character and dialogue in the same way that social ineptitude, which is a core feature of autism, is baked into daniil’s character and dialogue.

with that being said: while i will include a few things from the diagnostic dsmv diagnositic criteria as listed on the cdc website, i am going to primarily be thinking about accounts from people with adhd. i have several friends with adhd (and i suspect that i may have it, though i’ve only come to suspect this recently and have had less time to think on it) whose experiences i will be taking into account.

other links to sources i am referring to: [adhd/autism venn diagram by tfw-adhd] [what those symptoms look like in adults, by chadd] [ptsd criteria on brainline] [ocd criteria on beyondocd]

vague spoilers for pathologic classic & pathologic 2

very briefly & quickly: ptsd & ocd

the problem with going into it is this game is already a very difficult and anxiety-inducing world because of the plague and i’d argue that any of the healers could have one or both of these either before the outbreak or after it, so here are some things that stick out to me for

ptsd - overly negative thoughts or assumptions about oneself or the world (can overlap with adhd; artemy has the option to repeatedly blame himself for his father’s death), negative affect, feeling isolated, irritability or aggression, risky or destructive behavior, hypervigilance (any game that dabbles in horror aspects will expect this from you), difficulty sleeping (overlaps with adhd), depersonalization (this is a core aspect of the theatre theme of the game)

ocd - without going through the entire ybocs, i’ll just say that i think all three healers struggle with hoarding (understandably and by necessity) and hypermorality (all three protagonists believe they are the one and only person who is right, rubin is awfully judgmental of people who don’t abide by his personal standards). compulsions would be easier to point out in the game than the obsessions they are linked to, as we’re not exactly privvy to intrusive thoughts outside of the dreams. you could, however, say that artemy struggles with intrusive thoughts of causing harm even inadvertantly and argue that he takes measures to ensure that he doesn’t, won’t, and hasn’t. in classic, this is highly dependent on playstyle.

[this is my standard disclaimer that i have an official diagnosis of ptsd so i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere and am about 98% sure i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and have researched it thoroughly.]

what’s built into the game: making careless mistakes, poor planning skills, time blindness / anxiety, executive dysfunction

pathologic is a game that sometimes feels like you’re being set up for failure. something that i missed talking about in my previous post is that it often feels like an autism/adhd simulator because it is, in classic, so very easy to screw yourself over and get locked out of an objective by picking the wrong dialogue option. while some of the correct dialogue options are obvious, others feel like a guessing game and you have to just hope you’re picking the right thing and have made a save file at the right place to go back and pick different options in the case that you’ve bungled something. hence, “making careless mistakes”. it’s a little bit easier in 2, as dialogue options that end a conversation are indicated with a diamond (thank you to whomever decided on that!), but it makes up for this by being unforgiving in other aspects. i believe the difficulty settings for imago state that the game is intended to be “almost unbearable” - and lots of people have difficulty completing it on the intended difficulty without cheats. (do not discourse about this on my post.) the game invites you to make careless mistakes and either live with or learn from them.

keeping this in mind, you’re kind of expected to have “poor planning skills” on at least your first time playing it. part of the game’s point is that you can’t do everything, and you can’t save everyone. not paying close enough attention or interpreting the instructions of the game just right in classic can cost you the lives of several of your bound.

that also feeds into time blindness & time anxiety. classic & 2 do these in different ways. in classic, you can’t run, so you have to hope you’re not busy doing something else or else hope that all of your letters come in at a time where you can hit up all the places you need to go, or you’re going to be cutting it short on time for the day. in 2, you can run, but there are far more sidequests to be completed than in classic.

i’d also argue that executive dysfunction is a core aspect of the game. you are very busy and very poor and items are very expensive, meaning that unless you know what you’re in for, either you or the town is low on resources or funds or time to do things like eat, sleep, and take care of your aches, immunity, and infection. all of which can be avoided if you don’t make careless mistakes, have good planning skills, and can manage your time wisely.

“interrupts or intrudes on others”

i don’t appear to have a screenshot of him doing this in 2, but he and daniil do have at least one conversation in which they keep interrupting each other. peak autism/adhd solidarity.

i do, however, have a screenshot example of him doing this to clara in pathologic classic

Haruspex: …Wait a second. If there was nothing but the great Bull, where did the stars and light come from? Changeling: Oh, don’t interrupt!

and as for intruding - khan feels that he does this frequently: intruding on him and capella at the station, intruding on him and notkin at the broken heart, and here he is intruding on kids at the nutshell:

We have so few places of our own - only a couple. And yet you feel the urge to impose yourself even here. Do you know what childhood is? It’s slavery. Herders treat their cattle better than parents treat their children. They lock us up like objects, mold us like statues, and still never take us remotely seriously.

he also intrudes on clara talking with block on day 11, either completely oblivious to the fact that he’s doing it or outright ignoring that he is.

“is often ‘on the go’“

i could say that this is one that is built into the way the game is organized, and it’s true! but his time spent with lara comes to mind. she’s not the only one to mention his restlessness, but i don’t keep screenshots of big vlad on hand so their day 1 dialogue is lost to the wind.

Aren’t you supposed to be terribly busy? I don’t understand why you keep coming. Or do you need my help again? I’ll wash your clothes. You’re filthy, like a chimney sweep. Revolting. While they dry, have some sleep.

“often fidgets […] or squirms in seat”

like with daniil’s body language, i don’t have any gifs to show to prove this. i’m really looking forward to seeing what idle animations he gets in the other two routes. for now i know that in the lucid dream, if you use flycam you can see him idling by swaying and rubbing his chin & that in other pantomimes he can be found constantly turning his head and looking around.

sleep problems

i don’t have the screen shot so just pretend that i do - he mentions this to the fellow traveler on, i think, day one when you go to the dead item shop. in either game, you can also only sleep for a maximum of six hours at a time, which is like..two hours less than the recommended amount, unless that’s changed.

little sense of danger & impulsivity

As usual, I act first and think later. I’ve made a panacea. But from what? What blood was that? Whose blood was that? To cure the Town, I’ll need to figure that out.

there’s actually no dialogue i can think of that addresses the danger of the situation he’s in - which is sort of the reason why i included it! though i am absolutely obsessed with classic artemy threatening grief, kingpin of the villains in town:

Bad Grief: That ain’t good! Got too soft a heart or something? Soft, eh… Well, can’t blame you. Haruspex: Got too hard of a bone structure? You watch it. I’ll break them in no time.

artemy has little to no problem offering to help daniil get ahold of organs and blood:

Bachelor: Exactly. I need tissues of a person who died of the Sand Plague. I need them today, right now! I’ve tried to get them at the cemetary, but failed miserably. The patrolmen are vigilantly watching over the dead. Haruspex: Would you like me to get you some? Bachelor: I’d reward you generously for that. Haruspex: Deal. I’ll do what I can, even though I still don’t have the right to.

‘even though i still don’t have the right to’ - he knows it’s illegal and could easily lose him reputation, but he jumps at the chance to do so. part of his route requires you being in constant danger, but later on there are options to tell daniil you won’t help him. this isn’t one of them.

in pathologic 2, you can also instigate fights with people by, to name a few: refusing to leave the house in the atrium where they have a person bound and gagged upstairs, not leaving barley the barber in grief’s lair, and picking the wrong dialogue option with the guys in the broken heart on day 11.

as referenced above, his impulsivity sometimes shows in the dialogue options you can choose. you can say things that clearly haven’t been thought through all the way. for example, this is what he says to clara bout her parents:

I wonder what you did to your old ones. There was someone gullible enough to adopt you?

and this is how she replies:

Clara: What? Why would you say that? I never even knew them. I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember. Artemy: I didn’t know. Right, that’s what I figured.

it’s not all that different from the sort of tactless comment a person with autism might make.

no motivation for tasks you are not interested in & hyperfixations

in pathologic 2, on day 3, daniil asks artemy to be his aide in developing a vaccine. artemy’s responses are all something dismissive and frequently quite rude. here’s the end of that conversation:

Bachelor: I will make the vaccine, but I can’t do it without you. All you need to do is be at hand and do as I say. I will take full responsibility for the situation. Haruspex: Perhaps I’ll drop by… if I have the time.

guess what never happens?

it’s understandable that the panacea is artemy’s main goal. what makes it stick out to me as a hyperfixation specifically is that, while a vaccine is daniil’s main goal, daniil manages to ask artemy about his progress with the panacea.

Bachelor: Anyway, how’s it going? Any progress?

the interest is never reciprocated.

emotional dysregulation & rejection sensitivity dysphoria

i personally think this is the most striking piece of evidence. every single perceived sleight can invoke a drastic reaction in artemy. just take day 3 for example - the perceived sleight here is the belief (based on no evidence) that daniil was snubbing him or trying to exclude him from the meeting:

Bachelor: Burakh. The situation is regretful. I just didn’t have time to warn you. Haruspex: This was ugly of you.

and then he proceeds to get into an argument with him. he can, in fact, get into snits with not just daniil, but with rubin and lara as well. i will not be taking sides in this, because who is right / who is wrong is not really the point, the point is how artemy responds to perceived sleights with increased emotional agitation.

when capella upsets him by telling him she’s taking the kids from under his care for their own protection, he can respond by comparing her to her horrible capitalist pig of a father:

You truly are your father’s daughter. Children always succeed their parents…

i can’t even remember what was said to him to get him to reply this, only that it was said to him by a teenager:

I’m a surgeon. Ever considered having your tongue removed?

he also holds onto murky’s repetitious “what is there about you to love? nothing. so i don’t.” and brings it up to her when she is infected with the sand plague on day 10. though it does bring the rather heartwarming line about murky having loved him from the start, my point remains that he has not been able to stop thinking about something murky has said that she has obviously already changed her mind about by this point in time in the game.

difficulties making & keeping friends

remember what i said about the interest in daniil’s vaccine not being reciprocated? yeah. friends, acquaintances, colleagues - they all kind of expect you to take an interest in their lives. this is where autism & adhd overlap, from my understanding - both can come with an inability to recognize social cues. in fact, i’m going to use the same example now that i used in my post about daniil (it is, after all, what inspired this ask):

Bachelor: From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

daniil thinks they’ve been having a normal conversation, but artemy hasn’t picked up on whatever social cues he’s been using. this could easily be on either one of them. though i will say, some of my easiest friendships as a person with autism have been with people who have adhd. which is why i’d suggest that daniil saying he’ll tell artemy about thanatica “the way i’d tell a close, intimate friend” is autism/adhd solidarity. despite initially not getting along, they are clearly able to communicate with each other.

i think the rest of this is really self-explanatory. despite being from the town in classic, artemy doesn’t actually appear to have any friends in it. could be a symptom of him having left much ealier (ten years ago as opposed to the five in pathologic 2), but in pathologic 2 his friendships are constantly under threat of spontaneous combustion. this day three conversation with lara sums it up nicely:

Lara: Ugh, whatever. Like it’s any of my business… Do whatever you want. Did you make peace with stakh? Artemy: Doesn’t look like it… Forget Stakh. I see now that I’m one step away from falling out with you. Why?

there’s a variety of reasons why his friendships are falling apart. but it occurs to me that there’s no mention of artemy communicating with his friends at all while he was gone, and maybe that’s contributing to it. this is not an attempt to pick sides (i think everybody’s wrong), i am just pointing this out.

adhd in adults: history of academic or career underachievement, relationship problems due to not completing tasks, chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals, chronic and intense feelings of frustration / guilt / blame

artemy did not finish med school. classic has him described as a “vagrant scholar” traveling from town to town to learn instead of staying in the capital where he was sent (”always ‘on the go’” indeed). in pathologic 2 he simply states that he doesn’t have a degree and that he sucked at latin.

relationship problems mentioned under “making and keeping friendships”, but it should be noted that you can repair your friendships by completing a sidequest on day 3 to gather everyone together.

“chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals” is sort of the entirety of pathologic 2. you could say it’s built into the game, but artemy does express a lot of stress over not knowing where to turn for answers, has bizarre prophetic dreams, and is plagued by… well, the plague taunting him for not being to save his bound. both when notkin gets sick on day 4 and when all of the children get sick on day 10, he can express an extreme amount of guilt for not having the ability to cure them.

i mentioned under ptsd that artemy has a tendency to be able to blame himself for his father’s death, and i think that fits under here as well. there’s also this:

I get anxious thinking about my kids… Are they faring all right in the Lair without me?

conclusion

i do not know if i have adhd myself and i am sure there are things i am missing, especially as i have not completed artemy’s route in classic yet or started clara’s. feel free to contribute to this, i would love to see others’ input!

#icarus.txt #icarus answers #artemy burakh #pathologic meta

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struwwelzeter · 4 years ago

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RZK: "90% of the time great music is created on drugs" - I do not like the sound of that. I think he would create good music without drugs just as fine. Its not greatness of the music, but his perception about what he thinks sounds ready. And when you are high a lot is more tolerable, even the previously soberly shitty music :) Please, i need your take on this.

Ah god. Difficult topic.

This ... might get longer?

There is a difference, I think, between writing on drugs, and then listening back to it on drugs. I think assuming that someone would preceive the outcome differently/as better on drugs than off them is tiny bit presumptuous. Not because it’s not possible, but because different drugs work differently, depending on who takes them and in what headspace. Acid for exemple is an entirely different beast than cocaine is, and both will work differently depending on how you feel when you take them to begin with.

Now going off that quote that I like so much; the drugs only helped me to get going, I have a feeling for him personally it’s not so much about the creative process itself but about energy levels. There is something about having more ideas than energy that is horribly restrictive and frustrating and that at least in my experience can even really block you because then you don’t know where to start. Add to that a fear of failure, that just gets perpetuated by not knowing where to start and you’re stuck, and it’s paralyzing. Coke or heroine in that circumstance are honestly only a logical temptation, because they boost self esteem and mental energy, and they don’t feel like you’re a different person. Why do you think so many students take Ritalin to get through studying for exams. For someone without ADHD Ritalin can almost be cocaine light, and it doesn’t feel like it does that much to your personality other than getting your brain to a place where it does what you ask of it. I don’t know if this is me reading into too little data, but I feel like all the people I know of that got into coke or heroine too much were the kind of hyper creative, high output people that Richard is like too. I think of Nikki Sixx especially, and the way he is described almost the same way, especially during his low points: overbearingly creative, controlling in the studio, hyper obsessive about his visions.

Then you have this huge amount of 70s psychedelic rock music written on acid, which is a completely different beast. I have zero personal experience with hallucinogens because they scare the shit out of me, but there is enough literature and science out there that basically proves that they change your perception of the world in general, make you feel more connected, and actually do help people understanding themselves and are a catalyst for discovery. I mean, alot of psychedelic and prog rock is pretty out there. There is something to be said about “would they have really dared to do all that without the drugs?” Think about all the self inflicted judgement and restrictions and rules we all carry around since childhood for psychology reasons - and then think of something that helps you switch off those controls and just “be”. You could argue alot of musical development would have never happened without the drugs. And if it did, it would have been made by artists with great self esteem, maybe.

Now, I don’t want to say that you can’t make great music without drugs, but I think it carries the question why artists do drugs to begin with. There are things that make creativity easier and things that make it harder. And yes, someone psychologically on top of it might pull it off greatly without them. But if you have low self esteem for exemple, which is a very common thing especially for perfectionists, and it cripples you, and cocaine makes that go away, it’s just an easier out than going through years of therapy first. Not to mention that you really need to be ready for therapy.

And then there is the next question which is “would someone really make the same art if they were that healthy psychologically that they aren’t tempted by the drugs as an easy out.” And I think the answer to that is “it depends.” I know we all want to get rid of romanticizing the suffering artist trope, but honestly... it’s just a fact that for many creatives (not all!!!) that is exactly how it works - no pain, no art. Can you really create something with the same level of empathy and shared anguish if you haven’t been there yourself? When we talk about the kind of art that touches us because it doesn’t leave us alone in our grief and in our pain, our insecurities and imperfections and failures? I personally honestly do not think so. It’s also just the fact that some people use creativity as therapy, as a vent. I think of Beth Hart who is diagnosed with BPD and has said that when she is doing well, she’s more interested in taking part in life with her loved ones and doesn’t even think of writing, but when she’s doing bad, she can’t even exist without that outlet. And then it can start that circle - I need to create something, so I need to make myself feel something, and it’s like self harm. I think I just made the point that being healthy mentally helps with creativity, so yes, you can make great art being happy, the problem is that for some of us the need disappears as soon as the happiness is present. I am not saying it’s like that for everyone. But honestly, as someone who has been through this too, I am getting a bit tired of the whole “people can do art just as well if they are happy.” Yes. Some can. Some can’t. Stop dismissing our experience, thank you.

So in conclusion I think the whole “can people do great art off drugs” is pretty closely connected to “do you have to suffer to make good art.” They’re connected, I think, because arguably, drugs are self medication and as such an indication for suffering. Not always. Or better said: sometimes someone really is happy and just wants to dance an entire 48 hrs, and the only way to do that is to pop some amphetamine. Drugs are a means to an end, to get yourself to a point where you can do something that without them you can’t do without a lot more effort. Until they’re not, because they also do fuck you up, they’re mostly a promise that is never kept. (Hallucinogens are a bit different but that’s another story.) Don’t take drugs, kids. I’m just saying, that initial motovation to take them after just curiosity, isn’t so much about the drug itself, it’s about what it helps you do. And yes, maybe it often does make you go “oohh this is actually pretty nice” even if you would look at it differently sober. The question is: would it then see the light of day? Or would it be left in a drawer for not being good enough.

This now reads entirely like a pro drugs rant. It’s not. I repeat: they fuck you up. Cocaine can make your heart short circuit and kill you in one go. Addcition means it won’t make you feel better oretty fast, it just starts making it feel normal again. All that, you have heard this before. But I do understand why people are tempted by them, why so many artists have taken them, and I would never judge someone for taking them either.

A lot of people have reported that getting back into song writing after quitting the drugs has been hard. We all know the skills they posess are the same with or without them. Maybe they’re even better without them. But what does that help if you’re experiencing your sense of failure wide awake? I think that’s what people mean when they say good art is made on drugs. It’s not about the skill, it’s about censorship of the self.

#you do understand this is just my two cents yes #please don’t take drug kids #just fake it til you make it #pretending you don’t have to be scared does work to I promise

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eroticcannibal · 4 years ago

Text

Ok I am going to demonstrate why “scary” diagnosis are not an indicator that someone MUST be abusive or toxic since y’all like to freak out after reading the first thing on google. (Mind you, even proffesionals aren’t immune to being ridiculous about these disorders.)

Covering ASPD for now, I’ll do NPD later, feel free to poke me to do others.

ASPD: (DSMV)

1. Disregard and violation for others rights since age 15 as demonstrated by one of these seven features:

a: Failure to obey laws and norms by engaging in behavior which results in criminal arrest, or would warrant criminal arrest (As a leftist queer, I would like to point out that anyone ticking this box has a damn good chance of not being a bad person. In fact failure to tick this box could indicate being a bad person! This criteria has literally been used against marginalised people and activists to pathologise their work and their suffering. And no, many proffesionals do not care to distinguish between meeting this criteria for good or bad reasons. Laws are not morals.)

b: Lying, deception, and manipulation, for profit or self-amusement (How “abusive” or “toxic” this is does depend on how far it goes, small children also engage in this behaviour and it’s.... honestly just funny most of the time. Context is important. Probably more likely to be a sign of shittiness than A, but also not required for diagnosis)

c: Impulsive behaviour (litterally not a sign of abuse or toxicity, ALSO contradicts point 1, impulsivity is.... impulsive. It’s hard to control and often does NOT match up with desires, so impulsive behaviour that causes harm to someone cannot be assumed to indicate that person has a disregard for others)

d: Irritability and aggression, manifested as frequently assaults others, or engages in fighting (this can be a sign of anything from a disregard of others to learning difficulties or a sign of abuse in the home or a sign of being frequently bullied, something others in the person’s life may miss and therefore chalk the behavior up to a disregard for others. Also not required for diagnosis.)

e: Blatantly disregards safety of self and others, (have y’all heard of autism? Also even if malicious, not required for diagnosis)

f: A pattern of irresponsibility (since age 15? SHOCKING. Sounds like a teenager. Also not required for diagnosis. also also not to go off on one here about the double standards between the mentally ill and the “””sane”””” but y’all can’t take responsibility for shit either, hence this post)

g: Lack of remorse for actions (remorse isn’t required to be a good person, what sounds better: someone who is so remorseful that they are paralyzed by their guilt, or someone who may not feel remorse, but can still realise that their actions were negative and can still choose to make ammends? Also judging this one in others is iffy, I was accused of not feeling remorse for something I was arrested for.... which was false, I just don’t display emotions clearly on my face. My child was accused of lacking remorse by their school when they were litterally TOO YOUNG TO PROPERLY PROCESS WHAT THEY HAD DONE WRONG which almost set them on a path to this very diagnosis! Further down the line we are both seeking an ADHD diagnosis, not ASPD.)

2: Person is over age 15

3: Conduct disorder was present before age 15 (are y’all gonna judge adults as abusive based on childhood actions? Cus then ur all abusive, kids can be shits.)

4: antisocial behaviour does not occur in the context of schizophrenia or bipolar.

ICD criteria:

Personality disorder, usually coming to attention because of a gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms (you get the gist by now, not necessarily a morally bad thing), and characterized by at least 3 of the following:

1. callous unconcern for the feelings of others; (probably a dick move, not required for diagnosis)

2. gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules and obligations; (social norms often BAD tho so......)

3. incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them; (nothing about the cause for this, certainly not a guarantee of toxic or abusive behaviour)

4. very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence; (where is the agression and violence directed? Again not necessarily an indicator of toxicity or abuse nor required for diagnosis)

5. incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment; (basically covered this one under the DSM remorse bit)

6. marked proneness to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations, for the behaviour that has brought the patient into conflict with society (oh boy this one sounds like victim blaming too, especially given, say, how many black people are diagnosed with ASPD......)

There may also be persistent irritability as an associated feature. (oooh, scary) Conduct disorder during childhood and adolescence, though not invariably present, may further support the diagnosis.

SO you see, there is a whole spectrum of possibilities which means that someone can fit the criteria and NOT be an abusive and toxic prick, and even if they were at the time of diagnosis, it does not mean they have continued that behaviour.

#word of god #aspd #npd

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thegoodgayshit · 4 years ago

Link

Luz’s mother really doesn’t want to send Luz to camp. She knows once she leaves, there is no going back. But Luz has a knack for getting into trouble, and one day she stumbles into the same type of people her mother would have preferred she avoided. After helping Luz dissolve her high school bully into dust, Eda and Lillith know right away that this kid is just like them - a child of the gods. So Luz hops on a Pegasus and heads to Camp Half-blood, where she embarks on a dangerous quest that makes her both friends and enemies... and she might even save Olympus along the way.

Chapter 1: I Steal My Bully's Necklace

“Get up, you freak!”

Luz coughed as she struggled to breathe after being thrown into the lockers. The wind had been knocked out of her and she already felt a lump forming on the back of her head where she had smacked it.

She was having the worst day at school, and that was saying something. Somehow, by some miracle, she had made it through the whole year at this one. But she had a terrible feeling that her luck wouldn’t last. Especially if the mean girl in her biology class wasn’t going to leave her alone.

She looked up to see the girl in question standing over her, grinning sadistically at her. She rubbed her hands together like some kind of mobster villain, her dog tag necklace hanging from her neck, and Luz fought the urge to roll her eyes. Lina had tormented her all year, and no matter what Luz did she couldn’t seem to shake her. Her dark amber eyes, (Luz swore sometimes they were almost red) were watching her like the next thing she would do to her was eat her. Her posse, two other girls her age, watched with their own small smiles.

She winced as she got to her feet, trying to control her anger. Terrible things happened when Luz got upset. She didn’t like this girl, but it wasn’t worth getting expelled over. Again.

This was Luz’s fifth school in twelve years. Ever since she started kindergarten, Luz was the problem child. She always managed to land herself into trouble, and she never really knew why. Half the time she hadn’t even done anything, weird things just seemed to happen to Luz. The other kids thought she was weird, so they never hung out with her, and so Luz had never really had any real friends. Teachers didn’t really like Luz either, her ADHD made learning really difficult, and so she always got bad grades. So when weird things would happen, the principal wouldn’t think twice. She would usually get expelled on the spot.

She didn’t want to get expelled again. Her Mami would be so disappointed in her. When Luz and her Mami had to move to New York City, her Mami had threatened her really good when they finally found a school that would take her.

“This is it, mija.” She had said. “I’m not doing this anymore. You either stay at this school and graduate or I’m sending you away to camp.”

That’s when Luz knew it was serious. Her Mami had not wanted to send her away to this camp. She had always threatened it when Luz was a little kid, but her Mami had never actually wanted to do it. She was stern, but Luz was all she had.

Besides, Luz never really understood why a summer camp would help straighten her out. If the military school she had gone to when she was ten was any indication, even they couldn’t get through to her.

Regardless, Luz wasn’t going to disappoint her Mami. So she got to her feet and did the first thing she could think to do.

She ran.

Breaking through the crowds of students who had been watching Lina bully her in the hallways, Luz ducked under the crowds and made a break for the staircase.

“Run, Luz Noceda!” Lina cackled as she fled. “Run from me!”

Anger flashed through Luz. She hated running. She wanted to stand and fight, to tell Lina off and get her to stop being a jerk. But she was outnumbered, and nobody would believe her anyway when something inevitably went wrong. It’s like her Mami said, “just keep your head low, Luz. Don’t engage, don’t fight back. Don’t give them a reason to punish you.”

So, despite the shame bubbling up in her chest, she kept running. She heard a commotion behind her, and Lina saying something to her friends before there was a cry of shock. And something that sounded strangely like hooves clamping along the tile.

Lina yelled something that definitely wasn’t English, but Luz understood it perfectly. Lina was following her, and the weirdness was starting again. She had to go before somebody blamed it on her.

Tearing down the stairs and pushing open the side exit to her school, Luz bolted down the alley she uses to get to the bus stop she takes home. It was her lunch period, so she’s hoping that by the time she gets back to school Lina will have long forgotten about her and she can get to her English class in one piece.

But then there’s a crash, and a furious scream from behind her and she realizes that Lina is following her. She begins to panic, picking up speed and darting into the new alley behind 94th street. There is a chain-link fence up ahead, and she breaks into a fresh sprint, launching her body up against it and over to the next street ahead.

Luz doesn’t know when she decided she wasn’t going back to school, but she knew that she needed to get away from Lina. She spared a glance back as she darted into the trafficked street, weaving through cars. Lina was still following her, her red eyes boring in fury into Luz’s back.

Luz gets onto the first bus she sees and fumbles for her MetroCard in her back pocket, slamming it down on the pad without looking back. She breaks for the back of the bus, crouching into an aisle seat and shrinking her whole body away from the window. She pulls the hood of her cat hoodie over her head, praying she wasn’t seen. The bus starts to move, thankfully without Lina on it, and Luz tries to let her body relax.

She zones out, wary of everyone getting on the bus. After some time, the realization that she doesn’t actually know where she’s going hits her like a truck. At the next stop, she gets up and darts off the bus, passing a quick thank you to the driver. When she steps out into the street, she realizes she has traveled all the way down to 34th street, and the Empire State Building is glaring down at her several blocks away.

Luz isn’t quite sure what to do now. She wasn’t going back to school today, that was for sure. Her Mami could be mad at her for skipping later. It was the end of the year, and Luz had unofficially made it all the way through.

Deciding she should celebrate, Luz walks around the city for a little while. Her Mami would never want her to wander off on her own, but she decided after the incident with Lina at school she deserved it. She remembers the awesome candy store her Mami took her to when they moved to the city, and pulls out her phone to punch Dylan’s Candy Bar into her maps. It’s only 20 minutes away, so she begins the trek through the city, putting in her earbuds and shuffling her favorite anime playlist.

Once she’s inside and picks out five chocolate bars and a pack of lemonade gumballs. As she approaches the register, the girl working the counter likes Luz so much, she throws in an extra bar for free. Luz thanks her enthusiastically, and she pays with the money she was going to use for lunch. She leaves the store and sits, beginning to chow down on her snacks on the street curb outside, but her eyes are still wearily scanning the streets as through Lina might appear at any moment. As she does this, she catches sight of the two strangest looking women she’s ever seen.

They’re both middle-aged, the first with black hair and piercing green eyes. The second is a little taller, with huge silver-grey hair. But what catches her attention is that both women are wearing huge, cosplay style cloaks – white and maroon respectively.

The woman with the huge hair and maroon cloak has a strange bird on her shoulder. Luz thinks it might be an owl. Not only that but when she squints Luz is almost positive the one with the white cloak has a weapon strapped to her belt. Her mouth immediately drops, and she gets up off the curb just as the pair duck into an alleyway. Tucking the remaining three chocolate bars into her blue backpack, (which has miraculously stayed on through her whole fight with Lina) she weaves through the streets to follow them. Luz wonders to herself if there’s some kind of Comicon or other convention she was missing.

She sneaks through the alleyway, peering at the two behind a dumpster. They are talking in low voices, so Luz slowly creeps forward to listen in.

“- called us to Olympus, it must be serious, Edalyn.” The first one says lowly.

“Don’t sweat it, sissy. We’ve been called in by dad before. It’s probably just another one of those check in’s.” The second says, shrugging.

“You must feel it.” The first mutters urgently. “The tension between the gods is only going to grow from here.”

“We have to stay patient, Lilith.” The second woman, Edalyn, responds. “Of course I’ve felt it, but until we’re told to summon the Oracle-”

“There you are!”

Luz squeals dropping her gumballs all over the alley, spinning around the dumpster to come face to face with Lina. She is furious, her red eyes boring into her, and she snarls at her angrily. Luz shrieks, realizing that Lina’s mouth is stretching to expose a pair of vicious and sharp looking fangs.

There is a commotion from behind her as the two women have realized they have been overheard, and Luz begins to feel guilty for eavesdropping. But she doesn’t turn to look at them, she has bigger problems right now.

“I have been hunting you for months, Luz Noceda,” Lina growls, baring her fangs. “You will not escape me again!”

“Please!” Luz exclaims, holding up her hands. “I don’t want to hurt you!”

“Hurt me?” Lina laughs, taking a few menacing steps forward. “You cannot hurt me, little demigod. I will kill you before you get the chance!”

Before Luz can process anything that is happening, Lina shifts, her body changing rapidly. Her feet morph out of her tattered jeans into one metallic leg and one with hooves, and Luz can’t help but scream. Lina leaps at her and out of pure instinct, Luz rolls. Lina flies past her and Luz presses her back against the brick building behind her in terror.

“What are you?” She yelps, her whole body vibrating in horror.

“That’s an empousai, kid.” The woman with the red cloak says calmly, and when Luz turns her head, the two women are staring down Lina with disinterest. Luz can’t believe how calm they are.

“A what?”

And before Luz can pinch herself to make sure she isn’t dreaming, the dark-haired woman reaches under her cloaks and draws the weapon that shimmers the shiniest bronze Luz has ever seen. The blaze shifts and forms right in front of her eyes from a knife into an eight-foot sharp staff. The grey-haired woman plucks the bird off of her shoulder and it coos (Luz is certain now it’s an Owl) before the bird shifts into a seven-foot bronze tipped spear.

Lina the empousai, or whatever she is, hisses at the sight of the blade.

“Daughters of Zeus,” she says, trying to remain composed. But Luz has been bullied by Lina for months now, and she knows she looks nervous. “This is no business of yours.”

“Actually, I think this is our business.” The dark-haired witch, Lilith, says coldly. “Any half-blood we find is under our protection. What is a servant of Hecate doing hunting a child of the gods?”

Lina shuffles her legs – or…hoof and metal leg – and is now visibly nervous. Edalyn smirks, exposing a single gold tooth that sticks out like a fang.

“Unless… Hecate doesn’t know you’re here,” she singsongs, and Lina growls ferociously and lunges towards the woman.

“I will kill you before she ever finds out!” She roars, and both women sidestep from the lunge. Edalyn stabs with her spear, which Lina deflects off of her metal leg. Lilith swings with her staff, and Lina ducks. Luz has been forgotten, and she is shaking violently against the wall, trying to get a grip as to what the heck is even happening right now.

What did Lina call her? A demigod? The Lilith called her a half-blood… that was a really insulting insinuation for someone who was biracial, Luz thought. Besides, she wasn’t biracial, her Mami told her that her father had been a businessman visiting from Brazil. But those women… she had called them the daughters of Zeus?

Even if Luz was confused, she recognized what was happening. Those women had jumped to her aid despite Luz eavesdropping on them. These women were protecting her, even if she was a complete stranger. So despite her shaking body, and the fact that she was probably bordering an anxiety attack, she leaped in to help.

While Lina’s back was turned, Luz took a running leap and lunged, wrapping her arms around Lina’s neck and squeezing. Lina roared in frustration and did her best to shake her off, and Luz heard Edalyn cackling in the background.

“Alright! Get em’ kid.”

“Edalyn, focus!” Lilith snapped before she swung her own staff.

Lina tucked backward, but she wasn’t fast enough to totally dodge the blade, and it skimmed her stomach. She roared in pain and anger and finally knocked Luz away from her, and she went skidding across the ground. Coughing, Luz got to her feet and looked up at Lina’s stomach. The slice stretched across her stomach, but there was no blood. Instead, the slash seemed to be slowly dissolving her body. Lina looked down on it and hissed, glaring her red eyes up at Luz with absolute hatred.

She screamed again and charged at Luz, who scrambled backward in panic, but Lina never got closer. Edalyn spun her spear around her back and lunged, stabbing Lina right through the side. With a final scream, her whole body began to disintegrate into dust, before all that was left of her was a small pile of ashes and Lina’s dog tag necklace.

Spinning the spear, it shifted back into the owl which perches itself on Edalyn’s shoulder. Lilith spins her own staff, turning it back to a knife and clipping it to her belt. Luz was left staring at the pile of dust with a wide-eyed, and totally shocked expression. Her adrenaline was starting to fade, and it was beginning to change into full-blown panic.

“What just happened?” She said, but it came out as more of a breathy squeak. “Did we just kill her?"

Edalyn shrugged and held out her hand to help Luz up, which she took. “Yes, and no. Monsters don’t really die, they just return to Tartarus and wait to respawn.”

“They go where to do what?” This sentence was so high pitched she was surprised either of them heard it.

“Edalyn, give her a minute to process,” Lilith mumbled eying Luz like she was broken glass about to shatter.

“She doesn’t need to process, she’s probably been through it all by now.” She retorted with a roll of her eyes. Looking down at Luz with a knowing glint in her eyes, she pulled her to her feet and reached over to brush some of the dirt off her hoodie. “Let me guess, kid. You’re a bit of a problem child, always moving from place to place… weird things happen to you that nobody else can explain?”

Luz blinked. “Yeah, exactly like that. How’d you know?”

She laughed as if Luz had just said the funniest thing she’d ever heard. “Because we’re all like that. You’re an older one too, you’ve probably been on the monster's scent for a while. I don’t know how you possibly stayed alive without any help from camp.”

Luz felt a chill go up her spine. “Wait, camp? My Mami mentioned a camp… she always threatened to send me there if I didn’t straighten up…”

Edalyn and Lilith shared a look before they turned back to her.

“That monster said your name was Luz right?” Edalyn said, a little softer this time.

Luz nodded her head. “Yeah, that’s me. Luz Noceda.”

“I’m Eda, and this is my sister Lilith,” Eda said with a smile. “We’re the co-directors of Camp Half-blood.”

“Camp Half-Blood,” Luz said in a monotone voice. “Half what? I’m Latina.”

They shared another look.

“Half-blood doesn’t have anything to do with race,” Lilith said slowly. “It means people who are half-human, and half god.”

Luz’s mouth dropped open. She stared blankly between the two of them, not even sure what to say.

“God? Like…. Jesus?” she stuttered out, and Eda chuckled.

“No, like Greek God, kid. Half-bloods are kids with one human parent and one godly parent.” She reached under her cloak and pulled out a necklace that had been concealed previously. It had a gold pendant the shape of a thunderbolt. “Lily and I are sisters, but we have the same godly parent. Zeus.”

Luz’s brain began to finally work again, and she did her best to just try and process what she was saying. Nodding slowly, Luz does her best to recall her minimal knowledge of Greek deities she’s learned from books and movies.

“The god of the sky.” Luz nods, and Eda shrugs.

“Sure, among other things.”

Luz begins to pace, as she always does when her brain is moving too fast for her body. “Lina called me a demigod. Are you saying that my dad is a Greek God?”

“Well, that helps narrow down the possibilities,” Lilith said, keeping her voice calm and mellow. “A while ago the god’s made a promise to claim all of their children by the time they turn thirteen.”

“I’m fourteen,” Luz said. “Does that mean my dad forgot about me?”

“Nope, you just haven’t come to camp yet,” Eda said with a grin. “Most demigods come to Camp Half-Blood for training to defend themselves against monsters. The older you get, the stronger your scent is to them. You’re lucky you’ve been able to stay so inconspicuous for so long.”

Luz was suddenly presented with a lot of options for the first time in her life. Despite everything she had just learned, she wasn’t scared, or afraid. It actually made so much sense. All those terrible memories she could never explain, like the man with one eye who had tried to get her into his car when she was eleven. Or the women with leather wings who had watched her from the playground in first grade. All those weird things, that nobody had ever believed, finally clicked.

And sure, her Mami always told her not to trust strangers, but she figured this was a bit of an extenuating circumstance. Eda and Lilith were weird, but Luz liked it. She finally felt like she was seen and understood.

Plus, they had just killed her high school bully. She owed them one. Not that she needed much convincing anyways on what she wanted to do next.

“Will you take me?” Luz asked quietly, looking up at them slowly. “I mean... if you aren’t too busy or anything?”

Eda and Lilith shot each other a little smile, before nodding.

“Sure kid, we did have a meeting at Olympus, but Lily can go in my place.”

“It’s our job to make sure demigods get there safely, it’s our first priority,” Lilith added, clasping her hands together. “Edalyn, do you have your Pegasus whistle?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve got that here somewhere…” Eda mumbled, digging through her cloak pockets. Luz was still trying to fathom the fact that they had a meeting at the actual Mount Olympus when Eda pulled out a little bronze whistle and blew it into the sky.

After a second, there was a swooshing sound coming from above us, and the most beautiful horse Luz had ever seen glided down in the alley. It was a pure white horse with gorgeous wings that it tucked back into its sides as it came to a stop next to Eda.

“Oh wow!” Luz said in awe, and the Pegasus snorted almost bashfully.

Lilith walked over to the pile of dust that was once Luz’s bully and picked up the dog tag necklace still lying on the ground. She handed it to Luz, who took it hesitantly.

“It’s a spoil of war,” Lilith explained, giving Luz a small smile. “Your first kill as a half-blood.”

Luz didn’t really want it, she didn’t have the fondest memories of Lina. But she didn’t understand a lot of this half-blood stuff yet and wasn’t going to start by refusing Lilith.

“Err… thanks.” She ended up saying, and thankfully, Lilith laughed.

Eda leaped over the horses back, extending a hand to Luz. “Well? Are you coming?”

Luz hesitated for only a second. She thought about her mom back home, and how she was going to be wondering in a couple of hours why she wasn’t home from school. But she quickly pushed it down as she thought about what awaited her. She could call her when she got to camp.

Throwing the necklace over her shoulders and taking Eda’s hand, the women helped Luz sit behind her on the horse. Waving goodbye to Lilith with the promise to see her later at camp, Eda urged the Pegasus into a run down the alleyway. The horse began to pick up speed as they almost hit the busy street, before it leaped into the air, taking flight. Luz whooped in glee, feeling the wind blow through her face as she gripped the back of Eda’s cloak.

She looked down at the busy moving streets in Manhattan and realized with the confusion that nobody seemed to be looking twice at them.

“If I saw something as cool as this, I would have stared,” Luz mumbled to herself, almost offended nobody thought this was as awesome as she did.

She heard Eda laugh, and Luz’s cheeks flushed red. She hadn’t meant to be overheard.

“Mortals don’t see things the way we do. There’s a layer that covers their eyes from seeing our world. We call it the Mist.”

Soon, the Pegasus had left Manhattan, and the pair were flying over Queens. The view, while still being amazing, was starting to not be enough to keep Luz’s thoughts at bay. Turning to Eda, she realized she still had so many questions. Her eyes trained onto the little owl tucked onto Eda’s shoulder. Now that she’s looking at him, she realizes he looks 100% real. He coos softly into Eda and blinks it’s gold eyes brightly at her in a way that looks friendly.

“Owlbert is waiting for you to pet him,” Eda comments offhandedly, and Luz jumps back as though she was shocked.

“Owlbert?” She repeats back, and Eda nods her head. Taking that as enough encouragement, Luz hesitantly reaches forward and tickles the owl's tummy. He feels soft and warm, just like a real tiny owl. When she strokes him, he coos again happily.

“Owlbert's both a great weapon and a great companion,” Eda says with a smile, shooting Luz a wink. “A gift from a goddess after I helped her on a quest when I was just a little older than you.”

Luz lets herself process that information.

“My Mami said she didn’t want to send me to camp,” she eventually says, as though it’s some scandalous secret. “If it’s supposed to be a safe place for people like me… why wouldn’t she want me there?”

Eda hummed, and Luz picked up that Eda had been wondering the same thing. “Some parents want to protect their kids from this world. It’s dangerous, and the less you know the safer you are. That’s probably why you’ve been able to evade monsters like the empousai.”

“Lilith said the empousai was a servant of Hecate,” Luz commented, leaning over to look at Eda’s face. Her gold eyes were looking back at her playfully. “If my dad is a god, why would another god’s servant attack me?”

“Gods have been around much longer than us, Luz,” Eda said with a shrug. “They have a history that precedes any of us. Maybe your dad angered Hecate at some point.”

“But she looked scared when you said Hecate didn’t know she was there,” Luz pointed out, and Eda broke into a grin.

“You’re smarter than you look, kid. And I can’t say for sure why she was there, but a lot of weird stuff has been going on in our world recently.” She hummed thoughtfully, turning her eyes to look ahead once again. “Lily thinks it’s the reason we were called to Olympus. Your monster friend might have something to do with it.”

“She’s not my friend.” Luz retorted, biting her lip. “I don’t have any friends. People at school don’t like me.”

“You’re not the only weirdo out there,” Eda said, shrugging her shoulders. “None of us at camp fit in with the other mortals. That’s why Lily and I work so hard to keep the camp safe. Us weirdo’s have to stick together, you know? Camp Half-blood is our home.”

Luz felt her heart warm up at that, and she broke into a smile of her own. She liked the thought of that, being with people just like her in a place that genuinely felt like home. She had moved around so much, and been outcasted by so many kids her age, she had never known what that truly felt like. All she had was her Mami.

After the Pegasus left Queens, Luz wasn’t really sure where she was or where they were heading. But soon the smell of saltwater began to fill her nose, and Eda perked up in front of her.

“We’re close now. The camp is near Long Island Sound. Get ready to descend.”

Luz peaked over Eda’s shoulder, her stomach flipping in both nervousness and excitement. Eventually, the Pegasus swooped into a downward glide, and Luz got her first glimpse of the camp.

There were camp cabins stretched across what looked like a pavilion and a beach where she could see a few canoes. It looked like people eventually caught sight of the Pegasus, and when they saw Eda, they waved up at them. Most of the campers she saw were wearing orange t-shirts, and Luz noticed that a lot of them had some kind of weapon strapped to their belts.

Finally, the Pegasus touched down on a grassy field, and Luz could see a huge house with sky blue sliding sitting on top of a hill surrounded by strawberry fields. Luz breathed in a gasp. The place was beautiful.

Eda leaped off the Pegasus, and a crowd began to gather around them. Luz began to feel anxiety at the number of eyes staring at them, but then Eda extended a hand to her, shooting her a warm and excited smile.

“We're here, Luz. Welcome to Camp Half-Blood.”

#the owl house #lumity #Percy Jackson AU #luz x amity #luz noceda #amity blight #eda the owl lady #shelby speaks

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astyle-alex · 4 years ago

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Common Sense Meets the Autism Spectrum:

| a Parental Aide for ALL |

Last month was Autism Awareness Month, and in honor of that I've whipped up a little Parental Aide to help all grown-ups understand neuro-divergence a tiny bit better. I meant to post it here during the last week of April, but I forgot because of the craziness with Finals... But since Autism and neurodivergence doesn’t just magically go away at the end of April, here’s a little skim of it now:

I've recently been chatting with a new consultation client / parent whose child has been recently diagnosed with Autism, and it got me thinking about the unfortunate nonsense surrounding the entire societal black hole of neuro-atypical / neuro-divergent presentations, especially in 'unusual' cases.

The first thing that needs to be said is IT'S A SPECTRUM, and it's honestly a comprehensive population spectrum, which means that EVERYONE IS ON IT.

Yes, say it with me: Everyone is on the Autism Spectrum.

From being perfectly, generically neuro-typical humans to rage-murder psychopaths to non-verbal, high-physical autistic kids to sociopathic con-artists. It's a SPECTRUM.

Accepting that is the first part of understanding it. And it's sometimes helpful to know in order for parents still in diagnosis shock to have something that reconnects them to their child. If you've recently received a diagnosis and you've dissociated at all, or know someone who is in that situation, knowing that the parents and the child involved are both still on the same spectrum, can help.

(It's a sense of cohesion and sameness that parents dream up for offspring, and can be problematic if over-done, which is why parents sometimes force their hobbies / goals onto children or react poorly to LGBTQ+ explorations / self-discoveries, both of which are fodder for plenty of other posts).

Once the spectrum is accepted, we can move on to understanding it better, and to diagnosing attributes of it that are affecting our lives. Knowing these attributes can help us navigate them, even in a capacity where the effect of them is not so severe that we call it a neurodivergence.

There's a stigma with mental illness, and autism is a trigger word regarding that, but it shouldn't be. We don't (as much, any more, at least) shame people who don't have clinical anxiety, but still exhibit crowd skittishness or phone distress or choice paralysis. And, honestly, mild autism frequently presents as anxiety, in our current popular understanding, as it's often limited to one or two aspects of life that provoke dramatic aversion responses where as actual, general anxiety is usually a more evenly distributed with lower-key hesitance / avoidance. Mild autism also presents as ADD / ADHD (and in my opinion the ADD / ADHD diagnosis tools are essentially boiling things down to 'not a psychopath but probably autistic, but not like the autism in in the popular imagination').

We accommodate the small symptoms of both autism and anxiety, adjust what we can and power through what we can't.

That adjustment is a lot easier when we know the triggers for the distress.

Now, the scaling systems I'm about to share are not professional, not part of the DSM, and not a tool of formal diagnosis. Consult a licensed professional before taking any big steps, but take a look at these scaling systems to help start a conversation (even if it's only with yourself). I might have another post on adjustment strategies, because these don't really address the links between presents-as-anxiety and autism, but for now, we're just gonna look at how to start asking questions and how to wrap your brain around the biggest bit of the autism concept.

Again, none of this is a diagnosis or a practical guide on how to cope, but it is helpful to be generally informed enough to start recognizing issues / asking questions about what else might be affected by a given place on a scale.

So, Autism is a spectrum, right?

Well, technically, it's multiple spectrums.

There are several sub-spectrums that layer over each other.

The crux of it, the most basic version specific to autism, is this:

Understands Emotion -- vs -- Does NOT Understand Emotion.

Now there are varied layers of that, such as 'displayed' emotion (like in facial expressions), or 'tonal' emotion (like voice tones), or even 'conceptual' emotion (as in the basic cause / nature of emotionality).

Plenty of kids understand Tonal Emotion (hearing and recognizing the difference between Mum is angry and Mum is happy), but not Conceptual (this is called being young, and usually gets grown out of as kids actually experience {and label} more emotions, the process starts at age 3 or 4, but honestly continues for most of life). Or kids may be able to hear tonal changes and interpret them accurately, but they don't read faces well (this is either a significant indicator of some sort of disconnect or, can indicate that the facial expressions they have seen shift do not shift in a way that is consistent with tonal changes {like if a parent is angry and tries to hide it with a smile}.). Some kids can track the changes in tone and expression but can connect them to a concept (such as 'fear' which doesn't develop as a concept to children until about age 5~7, even in horror-story situations, like children in warzones, only get a really nuanced concept fear a year or two earlier).

The second BIG scale to assess things on is intro- or outro-spective, and it's a 2-for1:

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OWN emotions

-- vs --

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OTHERS' emotions

AND misunderstands or understands the CAUSES of emotions in self / others, and why those causes and interpretations may be different for various individuals (which requires understanding the concept of there even being varied individuals, a process that ).

This is the line between "I like it, so others DO" vs "I like it, so others MIGHT", that is difficult for young children. Having a distinct sense of a separate self is actually a complicated psychology process, and it takes over a year for most infants to even recognize that they have a reflection. If understanding the self/others division stays extremely difficult passed age 7-ish, we maybe should look more closely. But at the same time, it's rarely before that 5~7 range when kids begin to understand that shopping for a birthday present for a friend involves thinking about what the friend would like, and not what the kid themselves like.

And there's still gonna be moments of grown-up fan-rage at why don't people ship my ship?, but all we might wanna do is limit time on Reddit or Tumblr when in anxiety mode.

The final BIG spectrum used in understanding these autism specific neuro-disconnects is one that revolves around concern for the disconnect:

Does not fully understand all aspects of Emotion and CARES that they don't.

-- vs --

Does not understand and does NOT CARE.

This disconnect leads to Performative Emotion, which means acting the part of emotional responses without a full understanding of all aspects of them. Sometimes this is good, as in exhibiting quiet displeasure even though I think this warrants screaming because, I don't wholly understand what I or others feel, but I do understand the appropriate / expected response. It can also be very bad, as in someone who understands the emotional response to pretend to have when a pet dies and is aware that doing so can cover that the pet was killed intentionally by said someone.

The last relevant spectrum isn't one that most people find critical, but I think it's important to delineate this one from the caring aspect. The previous note is specifically about caring in regards to the subjects understanding of emotion--and exclusively their understanding of emotion.

It is not a measure of concern for other respects of life, that spectrum is:

Sympathy -- vs -- Empathy

Now, defining terms is important here.

- Sympathy = care for how others feel

- Empathy = understanding / comprehension of how others feel

Someone who self-refers as an 'Empath' is actually expressing a high sympathy response, as in, I understand your pain so well, I feel it myself. What they mean to say, is that they understand the feeling and its causes well, and they care so much that they cause themselves to experience it.

This is also the line between Sociopaths and Psychopaths, as most people know it. The truth is a lot more nuanced, but basically, a Sociopath often lacks Sympathy, but has Empathy, where a Psychopath most often lacks both.

A Sociopath understands that they have a disconnect, cares that they do, and hides it by performing the emotive responses they are aware are appropriate (for the most part, occasionally making some exceptions due to exhaustion with the performance, or a lack of genuine care allowing for selective exploitation--making them great sales people / CEO's / business people / lawyers / writers / con-artists / Sherlockian private detectives etc).

A Psychopath either doesn't understand they have a disconnect, doesn't care that they do, or both. They rarely perform emotions and therefore often draw people in who feel trapped and in need of counter culture. They make great cult leaders, but not much else (occasionally business people, but some of them are cult leaders by a pseudonym). They truly CANNOT conform, and that can be seductive / freeing to others, but they also cannot conceive of anyone who decides to follow them ever changing their mind or not experiencing exactly the same emotions / emotive responses to stimuli as they do.

BOTH are considered extreme presentations of their respective trait.

People with both very high and very low sympathy get exhausted around others.

Because experience other's emotions or pretending to care about others' emotions is HARD. It's work and it's exhausting on both ends.

People with both very high and very low empathy get anxious in not being around others for prolonged periods.

High-Em usually worries over current states (ie, what if something happened to them or what if they hate me now), whereas Low-Em usually worries over reunions (did I forget something someone else would've remembered, birthday, holiday, or that I was gonna bring you something we discussed).

And, as always, Presentations vary. HUGELY.

But sometimes, being told you're looking at an abstract a picture of a dog, helps you spot the dog in the ink squiggles.

'Normal' isn't a fixed point, it's a range within every single subject presenting mild deviations that come together to form an average in a single person, and are then averaged again across populations.

Such data can always be understood better. And better understandings allow better accommodations to be made.

Therefore, a given person's place on any part of any one of these spectrums needs to be assessed and reassessed constantly.

Also, if you're interested in learning more / supporting Autism Advocacy, check out a few more resources, but for the love of god DO NOT give money to Autism Speaks. Take a looks at THIS and do some research of your own! ^_^

Again, this is just a vague baseline, and it doesn't address symptoms like Face Blindness (in ability to recognize people by faces) or stimming (self-stimulation or emotive overwhelm release) or even environmental sensitivity (extreme dislike / like of certain noises, colors, light levels / sources, tactile sensations). Even so, it might be informative enough to start getting a conversation started and it'll be helpful for me to refer back to this one while making other Spectrum related posts.

^_~

For more on what I’m getting up to (and for more timely updates), check me out on Patreon!

#autism #autistic spectrum #neurodivergencies #spectrum #adhd #adhd problems #adhd culture

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femmehysteria · 4 years ago

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hi! i saw your post about adhd and i just wanted to tell you about my experience getting diagnosed and hopefully it can help you? i was in a similar situation before i got diagnosed, i'm 20 now but i was just diagnosed like a month or 2 ago when i was 19.

i have never been to therapy in my life but i always knew something was wrong, i have really bad anxiety and that was the initial reason why i even started going to therapy because the pandemic was making it worse, but i was just talking to my psychologist about if it was possible for me to have adhd because she has adhd and knows a lot about it and i had suspected for a while that i might have it.

so she told me to see if i had adhd i had to take about a 2 hour long test, which was basically an iq test and it had a lot of different parts and sections to it. there was mental math, number sequencing, and she asked me vocab questions and had me solve puzzles and look for patterns and stuff like that, since i did all of that online it actually took a couple sessions to finish but once i finished she went over the results with me and she was basically looking for a big difference in different sections of my iq, which is caused by the adhd.

i don't remember exactly what the sections were, but there were like 4 main categories (i only remember that one was working memory), and the first 2 sections my iq was really high like above average to highly superior, and the next 2 sections (one of which was working memory) were really low, like almost below average, it was a difference in iq of about 25 points, which indicated that i do have adhd. i also found out i have dyscalculia as well, based on the math and number sequencing questions i answered, which i was really surprised about because i always did really well in math at school, but my psychologist told me i just did a really good job at adjusting and was able to go under the radar basically my whole life with the adhd and dyscalculia to where no one thought i was having problems at all even though i was still struggling a lot with schoolwork and focusing on things.

another thing about adhd is it presents a lot differently in women or afab people than it does for men or amab people, women tend to present more of the inattentive type, which is having a lot of trouble focusing, zoning out, and other things like that, but since it isn't the stereotypical "hyperactive little boy" it usually goes unnoticed until adulthood.

also, you can get accommodations in school for adhd, like extra time to work on assignments and stuff like that, i haven't done that yet because i'm in the middle of a semester and we have to submit those forms at the beginning of the semester, but i will be using them when i transfer colleges because i know they will help tremendously

honestly finding out i have adhd was one of the best things that has happened to me, as weird as that sounds. i'm not just lazy and there is actually a cause for all of this and the reason why i have struggled so much, and that was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. it's never too late to get diagnosed, but also there is nothing wrong with self-diagnosing as well, because the diagnostic process is long and could be expensive, but for me, it was really worth it! i'm sorry this is so long but i hope you have a great day and i hope this at least somewhat helped?

submission by @nverbloomagain

thank you, thats like really encouraging to hear, I've been looking into the diagnosis process in the uk, and I'm thinking maybe I should just go for it, it seems kinda long and tedious through the NHS and I dont have the money to do it privately but hopefully it'll be worth it

#submission #nverbloomagain #adhd #liv dont look

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adhdtoomanycommas · 4 years ago

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ADHD, Gifted Programs, and Accidental Accommodations

So one big thing has been on my mind pretty consistently since I got diagnosed last year at the age of 30—why did it take so long to figure this out? At no point in my K-12 education or my 4 year bachelor’s degree schooling did any teacher or counselor question or suggest I may have ADHD, despite the fact that I check nearly every single box on every diagnostic criteria (both inattentive and hyperactive!)

One obvious reason is sexism. Pretty early in my reading on the subject, I learned that ADHD is dramatically under-diagnosed in girls and women. Partly this is because of different presentations, but a lot of it is just that the stereotype people have in their heads of what an ADHD kid looks like is always a boy.

But the other big reason, and the one I want to talk about today, is the fact that one of the few ADHD diagnostic boxes that I didn’t check was “bad grades.” So really, the question is, why weren’t my grades bad?

That’s not to say I was especially good at school work. My backpacks, desks, and binders were always a complete mess, and I NEVER did the homework. I would do the big projects (at the last possible second, of course) but daily homework just straight up didn’t happen. If there was time left at the end of class I would sometimes quickly do the homework for the next day, and occasionally jot down some approximation of it in the minute or two before class started, but when I was actually at home, I never touched it.

But here’s the thing with ADHD brains: We can focus on things with no problem, as long as we find them interesting. And I’ve always read quickly enough that doing the reading for class was usually interesting. And for the most part, the class content itself usually seemed interesting enough. But probably most importantly, I consider tests interesting. There’s always been enough of a challenge racing-the-clock game-like aspect to them to me that I would stay engaged on the tests, and even if didn’t completely know the material, I was good at using logic to get a pretty good guess (like using all those tricks they teach for standardized tests—narrowing down the options on a multiple choice question, looking for answers in the other questions, etc.)

So even in the classes where turning in the daily homework counted for part of the grade (math and language classes mostly) I was usually able to scrape a B with only the occasional C thrown in, and everything else was A’s.

But part of my saving grace was the “gifted” classes. I was very lucky that, despite not knowing about her own (probable) ADHD, my mom knew enough about how she worked as a student to know that me (and my brother) really needed to be engaged and challenged in order to thrive. Because of this, she advocated for us hard—she insisted we be allowed in my elementary school’s “gifted” program in kindergarten (based on our test scores of course) even though the “gifted” program officially wasn’t even available until first grade. And when we moved to a different state, she advocated for us again and got us included even though the “gifted” class was “full.” She knew that nothing would make us fail faster than being bored in class, so she made sure that there was at least one day a week when we would be challenged and actually get to engage with material we found interesting.

Aside, despite how essential they were for me to thrive in school, the entire concept of “gifted” programs and “gifted” kids is problematic as hell. Half of the screening is basically just looking for class signifiers and seeing whose parents had enough free time to give them a head start (or whose parents have the time to advocate for their kids the way my mom did for me). Not to mention there’s likely a massive racial bias. So in all this discussion of why I did ok despite my ADHD, it’s important to note that there’s a lot of privilege at play here determining who gets access to these types of programs.

This is also why I keep putting “gifted” in quotes-- I don’t think there is anything inherent about academic ability. Also, academic ability, reading ability, testing aptitude, etc. are definitely not indicative of intelligence. Plus the entire concept of the measurability of intelligence is based on eugenics ideas, so clearly one should take the whole thing with a huge grain of salt.

Nowadays the term all the parenting blogs like to use for kids like me, with ADHD (or dyslexia, or autism, or whatever else) who also test well enough to be flagged as “gifted,” is “Twice Exceptional” which is a term that makes me immediately want to punch whoever uses it. Seriously, it makes me gag. Like, it doubles down on the “special” euphemism and seems entirely designed to make parents feel better about their kid without any consideration to how the kid feels. No kid wants to be singled out, especially one who’s already probably pretty socially isolated (which I could digress about but that’ll be another essay for another day), and being Twice singled out certainly doesn’t help anything.

But ultimately the teaching in the “gifted” class itself wound up being really good accommodations for ADHD. I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised if they were better than the accommodations in the separate classes actually intended for kids with ADHD and other learning issues, though since I wasn’t diagnosed as I kid I can’t actually speak to that as I don’t have any experience there. But in the gifted classes, firstly, we were given more specific subjects as opposed to the overviews we got in regular classes. And it’s way easier to be engaged on specific subjects like ice age mammals, or the wreck of the Titanic, than it is to be engaged with a broad list of dates or categories. We did logic problems that were presented as games, but that were indirectly teaching us the basics for higher level math. In 6th grade, we did research projects and got to pick our own subjects completely, so we could write about whatever we were hyperfixating on at the moment (mine was on medieval warfare as depicted in the Bayeux tapestry). And if we happened to get excited and blurt out an interesting fact vaguely related to whatever was being discussed, that was likely encouraged instead of reprimanded like it would be in the normal classroom. This continued into high school, as honors and AP level classes tended to be a lot more discussion based rather than the top-down approach at other levels, as well as affording more opportunity to choose one’s own subjects.

The story you’ll hear from (or about) a lot of ADHD kids (especially undiagnosed) flagged as “gifted” is of hitting a wall at some point, academically speaking. That did happen to me briefly, in middle school. We started being assigned a lot more long-term projects, and there was a bit of a learning curve while I figured out how to put things off Until the last minute and not Past the last minute. But thanks to some patient teachers who believed in me (which I might not have had outside of honors classes), I managed to pull out of it and improve my grades (with the exception of the only report-card F of my entire academic career, from a sadistic gym teacher who seemed to think that enough berating would cure asthma).

Even more stories I’ve read and heard from people who were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult say they hit that wall academically when they started college—the first time they were really self-guided in their studies. But again, there, I was saved by an honors program. In this case, it was the Honors Tutorial College, a truly strange program at Ohio University. I was tracked into HTC by one particular professor who very much wanted HTC to expand into the art program and decided that because I had both strong test scores and a strong art portfolio (and probably, lets be real, because I was the daughter of one of the other professors) that I was the perfect person to be the first student in the new program.

OU’s website describes HTC as “flexible curriculum and one-on-one tutorials with renowned faculty that allow your curiosity to take the lead in your education.” It’s rigorous, but comes with a lot of perks, like waiving certain gen-ed classes, being able to take classes without first taking the required prerequisites, and designing one’s own independent study classes individually with instructors. And those perks are (as far as I know entirely accidentally) the perfect accommodations for an ADHD student (and probably pretty good for Autistic ones as well, based on some of my peers in the program).

A lot of the gen-ed classes I waived were ones I probably would have been bored in and thusly not done well. Being able to skip pre-reqs meant that, for instance, for my English requirements I was able to take far more interesting classes like Shakespeare’s Comedies, YA Lit, and Playwriting instead of English 101, 102 etc. If I wanted to learn about something in particular, I had help finding a professor willing to help me in an independent study/tutorial class. Being the pilot of the program meant I was able to shape it so that I could get an art degree without ever having to choose one medium (which as far as I know is still an option for anyone pursuing an HTC Studio Art degree). And at the end of the program, when we were required to complete a massive thesis project and paper (at basically graduate level), not only could I choose my subject to meet my hyperfixations, but I had individual help from a professor keeping me on task on the less-fun parts at every step of the way.

HTC students are required to keep their GPAs above a high threshold. At one point one of my grades (in Latin class) was low enough to hurt my average, and I was called into HTC headquarters for a check-in meeting. I was asked why my grade had fallen, and I explained that the class wasn’t that interesting (at that level it was mostly grammar) but that it was getting better as we were moving up into translating more actual historical material. That explanation was entirely accepted. Imagine if “it’s not interesting enough” was considered a valid excuse for grades slipping for everyone, how much less stressful school would be for ADHD kids!

So ultimately it’s pretty much been having the luck and privilege to get myself flagged for “gifted” classes that kept my grades up throughout my school years. Accidental accommodations have continued into my adult life as well. At my most recent office job, for instance (which I lost due to covid layoffs), I had a pretty hands-off boss who just didn’t care if I doodled, got up to stretch my legs every once in a while, and listened to audiobooks at my desk all day as long as the work got done.

I didn’t need a diagnosis to get these accommodations, because they were given freely, which meant I was able to succeed even without knowing about my own ADHD. If I had been diagnosed, and had had to ask for accommodations, I wonder if I would have done as well as bias against people with ADHD means people wouldn’t have expected as much from me.

So if you’ve made it this far, I’ll ask for the same for others that I got for myself. If you are a teacher (or a manager in an office setting), I strongly encourage you to consider how to make your classroom, office, etc. more accessible in general, without someone having to disclose a diagnosis or be singled out for accommodations. The biggest easiest one you can do is to allow (or even encourage) doodling in lecture settings. Even for neurotypicals, there have been plenty of studies proving people retain information better when doodling, so everyone should know by now that someone doodling doesn’t mean they’re not listening. If at all possible, encourage discussion and contribution. Give everyone breaks to stretch and move around. And give as much freedom as possible on what to learn about. You might be surprised what people are capable of when these reasonable steps are taken to give everyone room to thrive.

That’s all for now, hopefully you got something out of this unwieldy ramble. I’d be curious to hear if you’ve run into any accidental accommodations in your life and how they’ve helped. Until next time!

#actuallyadhd #Actually ADHD #adhd #gifted kids #former gifted kid

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necrowriter · 5 years ago

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monday thing: april 27th (the myriad challenges of growing)

it is the last Monday in April, warm and sunny today after a cool, wet weekend. many of the trees in the back woods were hit badly by a late, hard frost, which has made the view outside my window look oddly like early hot autumn. there are so many young green leaves gone brown and dead. the poplar tree in particular is all over brown and I worry about it. but today there is a lot of green out there glowing soft in the sun, so I will take that as a good sign.

it seems like a good day to think about gardening.

for a lot of my life I have thought of myself as having a black thumb, unable to grow anything. I kept plants in my dorm rooms all throughout college, lined up on sunny windowsills and carefully packed back and forth at the end of every semester. some of them lasted longer than others, but they all died in the end. I still remember bemoaning the loss of a mint plant to a friend and getting the incredulous response how did you kill mint?

during my last semester I had a labor position at the college greenhouses. for reasons too lengthy and bothersome to go into here, I had to stay on an extra semester in the fall and graduated in December. also for entirely different reasons too lengthy and bothersome to go into here, I was determined to not spend that semester working in the same place I'd been in for the last several semesters. the greenhouses weren't my first choice, but it was the first one that was willing to accept someone coming in new for only one semester.

bit of a misnomer, that: the 'greenhouses' were one glass greenhouse, several plastic hoop houses, and a few assorted small fields, along with a processing and packing building; a small shed-like building with a bathroom, an office, a sink and a fridge where we kept water bottles and a pitcher of gatorade; and a clearing in the woods that was home to a truly enormous amount of compost-in-progress. they grew produce and herbs, which were either sold locally or used by the college cafeteria.

working there left an impression on me, I think.

it was hard work, and I'm not a very physically sturdy kind of person. I also have no tolerance for heat, and more of that semester was hot than it wasn't; it was worst at the beginning, in late August, where I often found myself out working in the mid-90s, a temperature range I can barely abide sitting still in. even when the hottest days were past, that tail-end of summer clung on tight for a long time afterward. days warm enough to need a cold wet bandanna tied around my head popped up well into November.

it brought out a fear in me that is rarely far away: of falling behind, being lazy, not being up to the task. I was sure that I would find myself getting told off for not working hard enough, or accused of shirking. but it didn't happen.

"it is pretty hot out here," my supervisor said when I started getting sick on one of my first days on the job, out picking tomatoes with her in one of the fields. "you better go sit in the truck for a bit and drink some water. don't pass out on me."

I sat in the truck and drank some water, and did not pass out. we finished picking the tomatoes, and went back and sat outside the office-shed and drank cold gatorade. never in my life had gatorade tasted so good.

the other thing I discovered was that I liked gardening.

it seems a bit of a cliche but I was surprised to find how much satisfaction I got from watching seeds that I had planted start to sprout, or helping harvest enough butternut squash to fill up the back of the pickup truck. I worked through podcasts and audio books while weeding plots in the hoop houses or washing and boxing sweet potatoes alone in the packing house on a cold Saturday morning. I helped plant things, and water things, and pick things. it was hard sometimes, but I was able to do it.

then I graduated, packed up the houseplants from my dorm room windowsill, and went home, and watched them die.

well, I suppose a part of it's this: when you're having a hard enough time looking after yourself, it's perhaps not surprising to find yourself struggling to look after anything else as well.

sometimes it's easier. sometimes you need to look after something else; sometimes watching something else grow gives you what you just don't get from the care and keeping of your own self. but sometimes it just becomes another task on a list that already feels too long to bear.

but there have been other obstacles, and it's only in looking back now that I'm starting to piece together what they were.

so let's talk about ADHD and houseplants.

it wasn't something I knew I was dealing with while I cried over homework and watched my plants die on the windowsill in college. depression and anxiety, sure. I figured that much out well before I was ever actually diagnosed with either one. but ADHD was not a consideration at the time. sometimes I would look at a list of symptoms and think could it be...? but then I would shake my head, close the tab, and admonish myself that surely having ADHD did not look like getting straight As and showing up to all your classes on time, no matter how many anxiety spirals you went down at one in the morning.

so if I didn't realize ADHD was a problem there, you can bet I didn't realize it might have anything to do with the plants. I just kept admonishing myself over and over: come on, just remember to water them. is that really so hard? surely you can do it if you try.

when I finally got my diagnosis I started thinking: well. hm. maybe that explains something.

memory is the most obvious thing that comes to mind. remember to water them, or remember that you did water them so don't do it again now or they'll drown. remember to put this one out in the sun, and take that one away. did you repot that one like you were going to? no, you didn't, and it's been a week. have you ever fertilized any of these? lord! I'll do it when I've finished this paper. it's half past midnight. I'm going to bed.

etc.

but--like most things that have to do with ADHD, as I've been perpetually discovering the past two years--it's a bit more complicated than that.

you get a plant. you saw it at Lowe's, or Wal-Mart, or Trader Joe's, or the nursery while your mom was buying tomatoes, and you knew you probably shouldn't have, but you couldn't resist. you want to try again. you always want to try again. so now you have a plant, and you don't know much about gardening but you at least know that the tight little plastic pot it came in is probably not optimal growing conditions for anything, so you'd better do something about that.

only, you don't know what this particular plant needs and you don't have anyone on hand to ask. so you have to look it up. you google it. (if you're lucky enough to know what it is--if not, you have to find out, setting you back even further.) you find several websites with information about this plant. you open one. you stare at it. you go back and look at another one. you stare at that one for a while too. the information is not entering your brain. all of these websites seem to have slightly different information. you try to coalesce this mix of information into a series of steps you can follow and fail utterly. at this point you probably close your laptop and, now too frustrated to think about this anymore, decide you'll get back to this later.

(you probably will not.)

ADHD makes it hard to do anything that requires a series of steps. on bad days, this includes things like making lunch or taking a shower. you sit there thinking about how many different things you have to do to make a sandwich (get the bread out, get the peanut butter out, get a knife, get a plate, put the peanut butter on the bread, god, it never ends) and each step feels like its own task entirely and it's just too damn much to even think about so you sit there and scroll tumblr endlessly while getting progressively hungrier and crankier.

that difficulty increases tenfold if the steps required aren't clear to you. if you have to actually work out what they are yourself? and then go do them?

forget it!

and then--and then!--you have to retain that information. you have to remember for each plant: this is what it needs, and this is what I need to do and this is when I need to do it. the plant is not much help in this regard. the plant will not shout at you in the morning like a hungry cat, nor will it pop up a handy notification telling you when it is too dry or too wet or has had too much sun or not enough. certainly there are some indications it will give you--but you have to know how to read those, too, which brings us back to the first problem.

the amount of information you need to be able to keep in your head about a plant may not seem like very much. certainly it apparently isn't to many people, or we wouldn't have gardens in the first place. but ADHD doesn't tend to give you a choice about what knowledge you're going to be able to hold onto well enough for any of it to be useful. sometimes you can read up on something and then the moment you look away from the page, it's gone. sometimes you can take in the information, but will only be able to recall it at erratic times, which will almost never be when you actually need to do so. and sometimes you will absorb an astounding amount of information, but this will almost always be about something like Pokemon which has fairly limited applications for everyday life. if I could remember and reliably access as much information about my plants as I can about the making of the Lord of the Rings movies, I'd never be in this mess in the first place.

suffice to say, while remembering to water the dang things was a significant problem, it certainly wasn't the only one.

and that, I eventually realized, was why I could garden just fine at the college greenhouses, but couldn't seem to do so on my own. it wasn't--as I'd started to suspect--that I had some foul curse on me that killed everything I touched. I didn't radiate something that killed off any plants in my radius. and I wasn't incapable of doing the tasks required, or of understanding what those tasks were and why they were important. it was figuring it all out for myself, and then remembering it, that was getting in my way. when I showed up to work at the greenhouses, I was told what I needed to do that day, and if I didn't know how to do it, I'd be told that. and, barring the occasional problem of heat sickness or sensory overload while dumping food waste in the compost piles, I could go do the job just fine.

when I look back at that semester, I realize it didn't only teach me that I could do gardening, and get enjoyment out of it. one thing I will tell you about why I left my previous labor position: part of why I was miserable there is that I often wasn't given clear instructions--sometimes not any instructions--and thus spent a lot of time feeling miserably incompetent and behind everyone else. I'd have to choose between asking for clarification on something I seemed to be expected to know how to do, or risk doing it wrong and getting told off for it.

god bless my supervisor at the greenhouse! before giving me any new task she'd check to make sure I knew and fully understood what to do. she made it clear that I could ask questions, and if I did misunderstand something she didn't take me to task for it, just explained what I'd done wrong and how to do it right. it has become a valuable experience to have had as I am still trying to work out what I need to do things without so much pain and anguish over it.

when it comes to gardening, I don't have much in the way of answers yet. I don't know the secret key to dealing with all of these problems well enough to keep my houseplants alive and healthy. I'm still working on that. I'm sure there is an answer. I suspect it may involve a lot of writing things down, and possibly a lot of sticky notes with "WATER ME" written on them.

but I think--for all that I have tried and failed at this many times by now--

I think I'd like to try again.

so maybe I will plant some flowers this week.

and we will see what happens.

#nonfiction #monday thing #monday thing april 27

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