#which probably means its only $2 more but still. but still .
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Hey btw by trying to restrict abortion what you're actually doing is saything that the fetus has rights to the mothers body against her will
And to pretend like unprotected sex is the only way we get there is dumb as shit, do better
But most importantly, first you don't give a shit about actual life or suffering if you wish it on others for disagreeing with you
Second if we're talking about a fetus before a certain point, the best you're gonna get on feeling emotions is "said hormones can reach it" and regardless of all of this its still not worth the life of the mother and still shouldn't have rights that no other human has
No other human has rights to others body and organs against their will, why should a fetus?
Also you did you seriously just say an abortion is never nessecary to save a life? I'm sorry did you actually? Also you realize plan b pills are being considered abortion in the us?
Also did you just quote the famously unreliable ai overview? The same oen that said people should eat one small rock a day?
And finally, you saying someone is "letting the mask slip" was talking about someone who was talking about the reality of when something is an isn't a child
Then of course, you go and tell them to rot in hell and suffer forever and that their life is terrible
Oh and finally, by pro-lifer, you of course, mean anti-choice
After all, this isn't about life, it's why Texas tried to enforce the death penality for women who'd had abortions, it's why the cry now isn't "yay we saved babies" it's "your body, my choice"
What this is about is deciding whether a woman should get to decide who's allowed to forcefully use and ALWAYS damage her body, I want to make this clear
Pregnancy is ALWAYS at least somewhat damaging to the body of the mother, and I do mean always, some significantly more than others, some causing death that could only be avoided with the termination of the child, a child is only capable of any form of thought at 24 weeks according to all of our best science and doesn't qualify as human in the same way the mother does before that
You are misinformed, you are hateful, and you are awful, abortion should be legal, you don't get to decide what a woman does with her body
Oh and, gotta love you casually glossing over the existence of rape, or the idea that maybe someone won't know contraceptive failed immediately, or maybe someone actively wanted to have a child but it's now going to come with serious medical complications, which is according to WHO, actually 15% of cases lead to potentionally life threatening complications not the 2% you quoted, but no yeah
Let's force the mother to have a child, that if she's trying to get an abortion she probably can't care for, that might kill her, which might in turn kill the child, or leave one or both of them with seriuos health complications
Now of course lets let that mother struggle, after all, the most common reason for abortions is that they are unable to have a child as it would seriously derail their life and they likely can't care for it, but you're right, better than an unthinking fetus simply not getting past a certain stage, after all, they don't actually kill it, they just take away access from the mtoher's nutrients to a thing that before 24 weeks the generally agreed upon legal limit of abortion isn't capable of thought, but no better than that lets birth it into a world who isn't ready for it, to a mother who isn't ready for it, or who was raped, or who is a child, or who would die, or who would be seriously sick, or when the child would come out with serious damage or deformities that might cause it to die an agonizing death on the table
But no, let's instead wish suffering upon others who disagree with you because that's what being "pro life" is about, it's about telling those on the other side or who disagree with you that they are evil and deserve to die, it's about shooting up planned parenthoods or leaving pregnant women to die of sepsis on the operating bed as is happening a lot now in america
Nothing says "pro life" like "I hope your life is one of fucking //suffering//."
Also btw, I also survived rape and had I gotten pregnant I would've been ten years old, do you think I should've kept that child?
Luckily I am incapable of getting pregnant but some people aren't, do you think they should've kept that child?
Oh and two your final lil comment, I did live that sort of life, and guess what? I found joy, I found joy and a loving partner, I've dedicated my time to learning and caring and fighting for rights, and I've never told a stranger on the internet that I hope they suffer forever, because that's not a thing a good person who's donig mentally well and has genuinely found joy would do, that's a thing a deranged asshole would do
read it and weep, idiots
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i think dinostar is such an interesting ship right now even if i've kind of turned away from it after this season. the problem is that it's complicated, and fandoms historically don't like nuanced situations or takes. i don't think it's fair to say darius is putting brooklynn on a pedestal, since from his perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, and kenji has been framed as this unfair partner to her. it does feel like his feelings are very immature and more of an infatuation right now ("if he loved you half as much.."/"unless?"), especially when you compare them to kenji's own feelings for brooklynn - his girlfriend who he's loved for 6 years - but that isn't a horrible thing, it's just different. i do completely understand if people dislike the ship right now, and even criticize darius' way of handling the accidental confession, but i just think people have been way too harsh on all three of them without being willing to see that all of their perspectives are different
#like darius' whole thing this season was his tendency to say or do the wrong thing and make things awkward by complete accident#he's a very awkward person as it is and considering he's also never dealt with romantic feelings before and he didn't even mean to tell her#about them it makes sense that he once again said and did the wrong things while trying to fix it#i'm not going to judge his characterization just yet until we see how he handles his own feelings vs kenji's next season after finding out#she's alive#he was still respectful of her and i doubt after learning more of kenji's side and realizing this man genuinely does still love and miss he#that he would prioritize pursuing her romantically(especially since she already yk.. rejected him and also literally just left them all)#if anything i think the finale putting his feelings about her survival to the side and focusing on how it hurt kenji to see her alive and#leave him kind of indicates that brooklynn's not really going to be much of a love interest for darius after this#which imo as a dinostar enjoyer and professional darius lover i'm actually okay with#slightly off topic but season 2 has made me really appreciate kenlynn on its own because of how tragic and nuanced it is#so i think focusing on them instead is not only a better decision in terms of consistency and storytelling but it's just the more realistic#and satisfying choice right now#and that's not to say i think they'll be perfectly fine or even together again once they're reunited properly#in fact i very much hope she ends up alone and they all get closure from this#and there's always the possibility that later on the show might actually revisit dinostar again#which would be better than them trying to do so now in my opinion#idk this is probably a mess but i've been trying to think about how i felt about this love triangle for awhile and since s2 handled it#completely differently than i thought they would. i feel like it's not going to be that simple#and i just wish fans of all sides would kind of chill out on the characters lmao#jwct#chaos theory#jwct s2 spoilers#brooklynn jwct#jwct season 2 spoilers#dinostar#kenlynn#kenji kon#darius bowman#jurassic world
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Please save me, I'm reading a reddit thread about Seb vs Max(bcs Tost said he thought Seb would win out), and none of these people know how good Seb was in his prime
#the fucking ignorance in this thread im gonna shoot myself#theyre like:oh he barely won 2010 and 2012#uhhhhh you mean two of the most competitive seasons in history?????????#2010: literally had 5 championship contenders for a while and then still 4 for the closer#^ also tbh its super impressive to me that he was never leading the wdc and still managed to pull it off at the last moment#and 2012 which is regarded as one of if not the best seasons of all time in which there were six different winners in the first six races#i cannot fucking believe i jsut saw a comment basically seb is not as aggressive as max#saying he doesnt have the samw 'step on their neck' mentality as Max does#uh what??????????? im sorry but seb was one of the most ruthless drivers ever and was way more of an asshole abt it. multi-21??????#but fuck. these people dont know him and his wdc years at all 😭😭#still has the record for most poles in a season. is still the youngest wdc and polesitter#got pole and won a race in his 1 ½ season IN AN STR before rbr could even try pulling that off#it just really sucks to me how his flop years have ruined his reputation for some people#yeah ofc he kinda fell off in the latter years of ferrari and amr but that doesnt erase all of his incredible performance in the prior yrs??#like please i beg of you go watch the rbr era years and you will be impressed istg#another stupid argument was saying 'oh he made too many mistakes in 2009 and lost a wdc he couldve won'#first of all that was only his 2½ season and his first season in a top team#and also not all of his dnfs and crashes in that ssn were his fault :/ the car wasnt the most reliable :/#i love max and i think hes probably one of the goats but my god the regency bias is insane#^ and alongside that. oh you point out all Seb's mistakes but completely ignore when max was called the crash kid?? 😭😭#like saying seb lost 2009 due to rookie mistakes...YEAH CAUSE HE WAS ONLY IN HIS 2½ YEAR AS A 21/22 YR OLD#also I think its impossible anyways to say who would win that matchup bcs theyre in completely different eras#seb dominated that v8 era and max dominates this current era. its truly impossible to say bcs they mastered completely dif cars#like whu cant we just say both of them are pretty damn fantastic as rbr golden boys??#anyways. fuck im so irritated right now. this is an affront to my spirit!!!#its really just: say you dont know seb without saying you dont know seb#catie.rambling.txt
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rewatching 13s era for me is not so much diminishing returns as it is something opposite and eviler...............increasing losses? increasing losses
#every time i rewatch an episode the points where it couldve been better poke me in the eye#maybe probably the exact same thing would happen with any other thing i would get this obsessed about#you stare at something long enough its flaws will become ever more apparent#you love something enough everything it could have been but IS NOT becomes ever more painful#i watched 13x5 tonight.........honestly what the fuck goes on#no these were my responses now 3 years and probably a dozen rewatches in:#1) what the fuck goes on#2) philosophically stilll utterly unintelligible to me i might be stupid#swarm and azures whole thing. like. everything they say about their Schemes is completely......incoherent. i dont understand it.am i stupid#3) feels like most agents in these plots are just doing busywork. but might be my inability to understand plot again#but like diane?? who is she what is she why is she#4) 13s message to yaz 'flux destroys universe so refugees coming take over earth your task' is.....like.....profoundly......wtf#and seemingly easily fixable: flux destroys universe refugees come to earth find a way to welcome them#get unit involved THAT way. right?#unit as the liaison between humanity and alienity. rebrand#but maybe that doesnt work with the snakeman plot idfk im stupid with plot#5) scenes between 13 and tecteun couldve been so much more. mastervoice: i have Notes. first and least: tecteun shouldve called her Child#damn now i want to do 13 era rewrite again#i really should do that one day i think it would be good for my skills#turn it into a good oldfashioned 13 ep series. still one story tho. but to deepen everything out a bit more#actually getting into all the stuff thats only sort of Touched upon#making swarm and azure not only make sense but also emotionally important and if possible even lore-wise interesting#more abt the division past. doesnt need to be shown in detail if the absence is the point. that doesnt mean there cant be more absence#swarm&azure lore + division lore + vinder&bel lore in separate pieces starting to show a horrible puzzle when put together#yaz and dan in 1900s for 3 full eps or so. time to breathe. more yaz&13 stuff. a lot more 13&yaz stuff#i think that might actually be the heart of it. maybe it should be the heart of it#leaning into that 13-tecteun parallel. the frustration and resentment. build up to the 'so why are you SO interested in him!' stuff#more of their life in the tardis just the two of them without buffer#i kinda want to play with like a lot more body language between them which the camera doesnt allow as we have it#like zoom the fuck out pls
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No way that just happened
#procrastinated my homework for TWELVE HOURS TODAY#only the learn the one assignment i thought i had to do is actually due friday and the other i literally cant do bc he forgot to post the#reading and you cant write a reaction essay on the reading if you cant read it can you?#broooooo#technically i still have to do my portuguese but like. its easy and wont take long and ill have time tomorrow to do it if i dont have to#write the paper. and if i do write the paper theres a nonzero chance i skip portuguese to do it. so like....#probable outcome paper moved to wednesday for next reading#i just read the one for tmrw once he posts it during my 2hr break which is when i do my portuguese too#if this actually works out for me w/o making my morning hell tomorrow thats hysterical#does jackshit for 2 whole days w no consequences..... could you imagine....#also sorry for the morning prof is gonna have when he finds out he didnt post it. also sorry that i had to tell him at midnight with an#essay due on it (obvious procrastinator)#also sorry that NO ONE ELSE pointed it out yet (even more obvious procrastinators)#sucks bc i know its gonna make his day sucky and were friends#so like sorry im the bearer of bad news my friend#i say friends i mean hes still my professor but hes a 25yo grad student ive have 3 classes w including study abroad#like weve gone clubbing together and he bought me alcohol the one time i think its safe to say were cool#as much as anyone who has the power to kill my gpa can be
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GRE today…..
#456 words#it’s optional for most things I’m applying to but. my grades are not amazing for the level I’m applying#so in my case taking the gre is a good idea if I can do really well#which#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#we will see#I did a practice test and sone practice problems and such and I do fine#but I would like a higher percentile in quantitative than my practices have projected#hopefully having practiced and being in a proper test environment will help push it up a few more points#also it’s like. 50/50 rn on whether I can finish the essay in 30 mins#ive gotten it closer each time I practice but#woof. hard to cleanly articulate a point you don’t know ahead of time in 30 mins#but yeah ideally I do well enough that I can send scores and they will help rather than harm#that’s all I ask. I could maybe take it again but would rather not have to spend another 250#we shall see#at least it’s not the time I took the mcat w only 2 weeks prep#and its also not the mcat#mcat has No fucking reason to be that long#that’s not a cognitive test or a content test it is an endurance test#I know gre used to be longer (like 4 hours?????) but. still#mcat was like 7 iirc#GRE is 2 hours which is a normal fucking amount of time for a test methinks#though ngl it’s a bitch that the hardest sections are at the end#well I guess that’s. a good sign actually????#bc iirc it modulates what you get on the last two sections based on your earlier performance#so the fact it gets harder means I’m doing well early on#but still………..#anyway I’m rambling#pre test thoughts I guess#don’t expect anyone to read this really and if you did sorry this is. probably entirely uninteresting
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okay posting these on their own actually
#i dont think i got out everything i wanted to#i dont think she was a particularly good mother to albedo and the only reason i believe that#is because hes still so different from elynas and durin#who wanted joy and happiness and kindness. he was clearly raised much stricter#also yeah yeah albedos philosophy but being raised by someone cold and strict isnt particularly nice usually#but its complicated i get it. i just dont like her much. and probably never will#however i am a little glad this pushed me to think more about her. my conclusion isnt differnt but its seen from a different pov.#tzu rambles#rhinedottir#elynas#durin#albedo#subject two#dorian#subject 2#susbedo#edit i completely forgot to talk abt the apathy thing but like. her kids kept fucking dying lmao like. again elynas died 100% without her#interference or hurting#which means she had no idea itd happen most likely#he said goodbye to her and then. suddenly hes dead. not just dead he LET HIMSELF DIE. like idk id become a little reserved and apathetic to
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another new good job listing....... do i go for it
#or am i charlie brown with the football. who know#for those of you keeping up with my saga. and if you missed it the latest one did not work out#and now theres a new job listing. thats also in jersey city . which is obviously closer than nyc#seems like a pretty easy job too but the listings pay is $3 more than what i make now#which probably means its only $2 more but still. but still .#im also heavily considering going through this all Again bc my supervisor pissed me off so bad earlier this morning lmao#telling me for the millionth time how to do my job that ive been doing here for over 2 years#which is longer than shes been here like bitch! if you dont fucking stop#this new job could be better for me but again i have not decided on applying for it bc just doing that os frustrating#but you never know. it could work out#we will see ....
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im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse
#i dont often get personal on this blog but im going to be so honest idc anymore. no one has 2 read this if they dont wanna i promise#but anyway. if *ACCIDENTALLY* rbing a Bad post and deleting it within ~5 seconds of it happening AND blocking the op#is enough to send me into one of my downward spirals of NEEDING to check my notes and inbox#and opening and closing my blog to make sure its Actually deleted and im not just Imagining its deleted#in order to feel even slightly okay#only to immediately remember/realize that blog notifications on mobile not only send INSTANTLY upon a rb happening#but show every detail of the post and dont stack either#therefor sending me even FURTHER into my checking and sending me into a panic#because this means people possibly Wont Know It Was A Mistake and instead might think its a genuine opinion of mine#therefor making me panic MORE#if ALL OF THAT is just because this fucking website cant impliment a proper quick-rb button for desktop#and a mistake happened#then i dont think the internet is good for me at this point and i think i need to smash all of my devices#i already get a lot of those like... needing to do Something to make sure nothing bad happened/happens#like i get that a lot already from my irl life i do NOT need it to happen online too.#because like.. i dont know WHO saw that. so am i making a huge fuss out of nothing/a mistake everyone could have made?#yes! probably! but i cant really stop myself now that ive started so this is going to Legit Haunt Me which is Not Normal!#whatever mannnnn#got so upset over this i cried and then circled back around to just Mildly stressed to apathetic entirely within the span of 4 minutes#still checking my notifs/inbox every two seconds but at this point ive accepted Someones probably gotten a notif and well. nothing i can do#kitkat chitchat
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 6: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
The winning option of yesterday's poll was that the adventurer should ask the Innkeeper about the suspicious egg he got from the Well Creature….
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After finishing his food scraps, he awkwardly creeps back over to the main counter, pulling up a stool and just hoping the Innkeeper will eventually make eye contact with him... She finally looks to the side whilst cleaning a glass, his chance to blurt out whatever he can.
"SO!- uh,, I um... I found something weird, or uh.. I didn't find it actually, I guess, I..... s-someone, or something.. gave it to me, as maybe..? a reward, or.. oh, well i-it doesn't matter why.. but UH, but so, I was just wondering, d-do you think you might know anything about it? about like, uh... stuff? Objects.. perhaps.....?"
She stares with equal parts amusement and concern, crossing her arms and letting out a soft chuckle, "Well, I've seen quite a variety of things while working here, so - Yeah, I could try to help you identify an item, if that's what you're asking."
"G-good. Okay. Well.. It's, uh..... this." He's barely even placed the little wooden egg box up on the counter before she's already slamming the lid shut and reaching over to force it back into his bag. Suddenly serious, her eyes dart around the room, scanning to ensure no-one else happened to notice.
"Don't EVER let anyone see you with that, okay??". Abrupt tone shift making him even more nervous, he just stares blankly, muttering a few gibberish noises whilst nodding at her in confirmation.
"I mean, I'm not absolutely certain," her voice lowers as she speaks, "but to me it looks exactly like a Caiploras egg. Those animals have been nearly extinct for at least a hundred years. Only tiny groups of them still exist here and there, and even those eventually get wiped out as soon as they're discovered. Kings and nobles used to hunt them, especially for the eggs, 'cause of all the theories - unique magical properties, uses in enchanting, shit like that.. I don't really know, I'm not that experienced with magic.... But.."
She pauses for a few seconds to stare him down (this does not soothe his anxiety at all), examining intently, as if to determine whether he's actually trustworthy before continuing..
"...My brother is. He's a mage, and a scholar, and he specializes in stuff like this, all these rare animals and whatnot. He'll hate me just sending a complete stranger over there, but.. I think you should go see him. He'd definitely be able to identify it- hell, he'd probably even pay you for it, if it really is what I think it is. And, he'd know how to take care of it properly, raise it well, not just cut it up for fucking potions or whatever...", she scoffs bitterly.
Grasping at a nearby napkin to fan himself with, he shifts sweatily in his seat, "W-wh... but,.. How would I do that?"
"What do you mean? Do what?"
"F-find, him.. IHhh... I just.. I don't, know the area well.. is all, I uh...."
"I'll give you directions, obviously.. Are you okay? Do you like... need some water? You look-"
"NHnnnou, I'M FINE! I just, haha.. uh... Maybe, am.. not very good at....uh.. this.." He gestures around himself nonspecifically.
With a brief confused glance, she pours a cup of water anyway, then casually plucks a small notebook from her pocket to begin scribbling messily. "Well, look, I'll give you the information, and if you feel up to it, you can go. I really think you should, but, eh... your choice, y'know."
As he fights his shaky hands to maintain control of the water glass, she lays out the paper on the table, pointing at parts of her sketch. "He's over in Fargahel, which should be a few days travel from here. See? The roads kind of go like this, but it's mostly a straight path. Look for the ruins of an abandoned castle. He's holed himself up in there, the underground part, repurposed into some sort of 'sanctuary' for rehabilitating injured birds or whatever the hell he's up to now. He probably won't attack you or anything, but I signed a little note on the back of this so he knows I sent you.. just in case."
Neatly folding up the map, she slides it towards him as she leans closer to intensely meet his eyes. "Just remember, no matter what you do, do NOT let anyone know you have that egg. There are plenty of folks out here still hunting for them. You don't want someone recognizing it and coming after you. Especially with how, uh...", it feels like she might mention he doesn't seem he'd be very good at combat, but she simply lets the sentence trail off, shrugging with a smile and politely patting his hand as he takes the paper.
"Just get some sleep, yeah? Think about it. And talk to me in the morning if you have any more questions."
He slumps over to lean on the counter, resting for a moment after she walks back to the other end of the room, just trying to wrap his head around all the new information.. He only took the egg because it looked pretty! He just wanted it to hatch into a cool chicken or something! Why does it have to actually be some big stinky scary secret rare item?... With a heavy sigh, he resolves to never again trust mysterious creatures that pop out of abandoned wells....
Eventually trudging up to his room for the night, he flops onto the lumpy mattress that seems to just be hay stuffed into dusty old potato sacks. As he rustles around waiting to fall asleep, he considers all of his options... What should he do with the egg?
#paventure posting#polls#choose your own adventure#SORRY I KNOW THE TEXT OF THIS ONE IS LONG I just could not make it short#There's too much information to convey and I feel like it seems unnatural if it's too matter of fact#like if she was just like 'yeah its this. go here. do this. okay thanks'#it would feel too robotic#there has to be SOME meandering and pointless sentences that just lead into other sentences and etc. lol#BUT most of them will not be this long. I'm still majorly trying to keep a 2-3 paragraph limit#the only exceptions will probably be occasions where he actually has convesartions with people because it'd#just sound really rushed and weird to try to fit a whole full detailed conversation into like 2 paragraphs worth of text#unless they're barley saying anything to each other. but etc. etc. you know what I mean#A majority of it will be short interactions in the woods a little choices and etc. Just sometimes when there's like#some explaining a full quest or whatever obviously that needs more context#Also this one is really late because I wanted to give myself a break and not draw every single day#so I already did the writing part so I'd have it ready today but then waited to do the sketch until this mosrning#I still have that chest injury thing that flares up if I use my shoulders and arms too much. which for some reason even if#I'm only doing a quick 30 minute sketch and like an hour or less of typing - it still starts to be achey#I have to have days where I just take a break from the computer lol#ANYWAY... day 6! What to do with the mysterious egg? :0#sorry to the one person who sent an anon ask talking about how they hope he gets to talk to the musician lol#That option did not win. But - depending on how voting of things goes - we could still come across some of#the people who were in the Inn during later parts of the journey. I had kind of a vague idea of like who the hooded#figure is. the musician. the person that would have been in a stables if you tried to steal a horse. etc.#Might still never come across them though but- they do exist in the world so. always a possiblility#wowe so many typos in these tags whoops.. im not going back and retyping them either
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Girl help I've acquired possibly yet another expensive hobby
#op#2 of them in fact#currently making a frame weaving loom (and by that i mean my dad idk enough about wood working and this wood is too expensive to fuck up)#and getting into mechanical keyboards#i already have a lotta yarn so the real costs rn are the keyboards#which are like at least 100usd a pop#what sucks is that they all seem to be 60% keyboards or tkl's and like. i need my fn and number pad keys pls and thx#debated sacrificing the num pad and getting a seperate one bc wowza these custom boards are absolutely gorgeous but#i am on such a budget and a cheap (cheap!!!) keyboard i found that i quite like is still gonna run me 200cad#if i got a pretty keeb and a seperate numpad i could easily be looking at $500+ like lordy#that's not even counting the switches i want to get (gateron baby kangs which are. $66. I'm assuming in usd bc it doesn't actually say)#anyway debating on whether or not i should order the keyboard now or wait till later cuz like is it even gonna be there later?#so much of this stuff is temporary and u never know#its a 96% keyboard and it has a calculator button!! only other board ive seen with that is my dads maybe 2005 wireless microsoft#so useful tbh#such a pretty board too all things considered#and finding a nice board like that with the numpad is not easy lemme tell ya like i was truly considering a ducky which.#i cant say im quite fond of their logo among other things#i think its more of a cream than white but u cant win em all#hmm to purchase now or to not purchase now‚ that is the question.... i could technically afford it but then#there's ComicCon + cost of supplies and whatnot for opening up my shop which is gonna be probably at least a hundred...#and then i would like to get some nice wool skirts for the winter/now bc pants are of the devil which is gonna be another 100/150 or so...#augh#i think the government should give me more money i think that would be very sexy of them to do#anyway can you believe i went on my phone to find a banana bread recipe then did all this instead? crazy#hashtag adhd life
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its actually nuts how missing a single vaccination has shaped my entire fucking life. like not only would I not be deaf if I had gotten it on time but I probs wouldn't have adhd either 🫣
#like yeah I have a family history of adhd but im pretty sure the current model suggests u can be genetically *predisposed* but the actual-#development of adhd is thought to be closely linked to environmental 'triggers' like childhood stress or head injuries lol#or in my case brain trauma. fun fact: a suspected 62% of kids who survive hib meningitis later develop adhd symptoms#vs. 5% incidence in the general population.....#when I first heard that I was still in denial bc i thought of adhd as a 'natural' condition like ur just born that way#so if meningitis survivors displayed symptoms that didnt mean they were ACTUALLY adhd. except literally all adhd is-#is a collection of symptoms its not some tangible 'switch' thats flipped in some ppl and not others. maybe thats a rly obvious statement-#but I found it kinda hard to get my head around. i guess just bc of how a lot of psychology is viewed by the public innit#anyway being deaf + nd kinda fucking sucks yall better be jabbing ur babies with every vaccination possible or im coming for ur knees#its funny bc it sounds like im saying watch out !! vaccination may PREVENT neurodivergence NOT cause it !!#*andrew wakefield voice* u wouldnt want a child with autism#but thats not what i meaaaannn obvs ur kid not getting xyz disease that could kill them is the number 1 most important thing#its so cringe actually bc hib b incidence has been down to abt 2 in every 100 000 babies since the vax was introduced in 1985#so I was one of like. probably less than 10 babies to get it in the fucking country and they misdiagnosed me a bunch of times#bc it was so uncommon + I had some rarer symptoms plus the only way to actually CHECK is to test spinal fluid which is a faff#if theyd realised earlier then i also wouldnt be deaf bc it wouldnt have been as severe. just a series of unfortunate events i guess#anyway. immunology is so fascinating i wish id focused on it more in my degree tbh#over and OUT#.diaries
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me: spends the better part of 2 years slowly being online and talking to people less and less, not responding to messages, not organising any irl get togethers or cancelling last minute cuz i cant handle it
me: *feels isolated, depressed, like a failure, feels unloved, feels guilty and nostalgic for the old days, feels ive grown distant from all my loved ones, and have bad cyclic thinking about how maybe this is all for the better and i cant fucking handle seeing anyone and going out is a big fucking effort
me:
#life of doge#this is probably a cry for help lmao idk#im still trying to figure out why this got triggered tho i have a pretty good idea why i think....#but lemme tell you#lockdowns meaning i couldnt organise things + the incessent anxiety of leaving the houe#cuz what if theres covid what if i make my disabled housemate sick#resulting in organising meet ups feeling Abstract and Impossible#plus my neurodivergent arse dedicating every god damn fork i have into having a fulltime job#which not even neurotypical ppl should be expected to balance with personal life#those 2 things are certianly not helping#and coincidentally those 2 things happened within the last 2 years#i was online a lot more bc of lockdowns and before my job#but since starting work ive just. i just cant#those arent the only reasons of course but they certainly are not bloody helping#i miss how things used to be....#here ive been spending years explaining to a loved one that isolation bad#and now im falling into those exact bad cycles and habits and thought patterns#of course its not true isolation like im leaving the house almost every day for work#but just. the wall ive put up and how i practically dont use my phone anymore and im impossible to contact#i hate it. i hate how thats what ive become#and i hate how its probably deteriorated at my relationships#bc it means im not being the friend i want to be#so of course ppl are going to give me the same energy back#of course me feeling unloved and uncared for and moved on from is literally all my fault#i have no one to blame but myself#whatever. im just so fucking over feeling like this.#negative -
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erm
#hiii im in class aka i cant escape my own mind rn =w=bb let me talk about my online needs#I WANT TO READ THE COMMENTS ON MY REVIEW.#MFC is actually still fairly active and i am SURE. that people have left comments.#but here comes the problem: they arent being shoved into my face :)#aka i dont HAVE to see them.#and already having anxiety about seeing the comments this. isnt a good thing.#i could look at them if i HAD to. if it was to make a notification bubble dissapear i would.#but its not. i dont have to look at them. which means that i have to initiate contact myself. and that is so much more of a problem than.#actually reading the comments probably.#sillyposting#its the duality of wanting to see the comments combating the anxiety of looking at comments WITH the need to do that myself???#yeagh no its better if i just ignore all of them.#but i wanna look.......#like. i know there will be nothing bad in it. people just talking regularly will be the majority.#why cant i be normal about this.#hm.#anyway i will maybe look at them during my 2 break hours soon. only to delay having to work on my assignment =w=bb#but first i get to eat!! and drink the juice!!! yayyy =w=bbbbb#ok rambling done maybee.#sorry if this is spammy i. am apparently not used to being in public for a long time if i have nothing to focus on (class is on its 15min).#ok.#=w=bb
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im in a terrible mood today idk why
#punktalk#punkvent#i realized i forgot to ask my mom to give me a ride somewhere 2 days in advance so shes probably gonna say no#apparently my 3ds charger or the port is broken#which is kind of sad#so i need to ask a friend to lend their charger to the Diagnosing Cause#and im like. not mad about that im just kind of sad because if its broken that really fucking sucks. i bought it with my own money#for like my 16th birthday or something#and its also jailbroken#idk#also my laptop isn’t showing my cursor and i cant use the touchpad but it SAYS the tuouchpad is on so. it’s anyone’s guess ig#but there’s only one mouse in the house rn and it’s being used currently so i cant. test that#so i guess ill have to order a mouse or wait until it is out of use#i could ask but i dont want to deal with myself if the answer is anything but yes of course#which makes me feel very deflated. i dont want to be mean or shitty but im in a shitty mood so i Should TM not subject anyone else to it#idk im just in a weird mood#i do need to do my t shot#thats another thing#we dont have any groceries and my mom said shed do them yesterday but didnt#so ive already been waiting on my t gel prescription for a week and a half because she hadn’t gotten paid#and now that she did we still dont have any grocery OR my t gel#so i need to do my shot to get my funny juice and become normal again#and also im hungry for something that isn’t cereal or ramen or mac nd cheese#im going thru it with the First World Problems today aren’t i#i wish i were a real adult with like a car and real money and shit#but alas. minimum wage part time work be upon me#i kind of am just being lazy wrt my art stuff though that is on me#but can you blame me for not wanting to feed the instagram machine day in and day out just to make like maybe 50 more dollars through a year
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I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.
Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.
It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.
When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.
Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.
Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.
I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.
But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.
With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.
If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.
Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.
Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.
Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.
It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.
All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.
There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.
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