#then i dont think the internet is good for me at this point and i think i need to smash all of my devices

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

really weird thing ive noticed lately re: hermits getting critiqued for stuff theyve said or done is that as soon as someone holds a shit opinion (even if it's just them being stupid, or a centrist, or saying a bad word without knowing what it means, or whatever) people immediately seem to flock to the 'this guy should die' 'kys' 'why are we giving this person a platform' rhetoric and like. that's not how meaningful change is made?

like, yeah, if one of my beloved CCs posted a tweet or video tomorrow about how much they hate gay people, or believe in conservative ideals, or they just said a bunch of slurs or whatever (these are hyperbolic examples obviously) then yeah, fuck them, they should go rot. but like, having some dumb takes, or saying bad things in the past, doesn't = evil terrible person...

idk, i feel like we can critique content creators without getting so insane about it. like, shit, there are things some of my favourites do that i don't like, but theyre not even really worth bringing up tbh. unless its something actually important, i feel like it just creates more drama out of nothing and all these assholes come crawling out of the woodwork to tell everyone how much they hate that creator. or find their content boring anyway so clearly they have no real merit to anyone.

more of an explanation of what i mean in the tags but yeah.

[elialys]

ngl posting fics really isn't fun anymore these days, im not even anxious about the complete lack of interaction, which used to make me feel like I was writing shit, now it just...makes me so sad that's it's gotten to that point

[primussavethesemechs]

I’m going to be ripped limb from limb for this but that one guy from dungeon meshi kinda looks like a woobified fantasy au version of the guy from killing stalking

I think it’s the hair

[elftwink]

just saw a mildly irritating post that talked about seeing takes about how sdv is actually bourgeoisie or whatever (am not reblogging because the rest of the post was honestly kind of unrelated and i want to talk about this sdv claim w/o derailing the rest of it) as if that take popped out of the void when i know for a fact that that take specifically is a response to the much more common "stardew valley is actually a leftist anti-capitalist utopia" type takes, a thing that is even less true about stardew valley than claiming it's bourgeoisie

like. the double standard of making completely detached from reality statements about how left-wing the ideals of stardew are, and then claiming people making the opposite take are armchair activists like... you don't think claiming that you play sdv because it fits totally with your leftist values (rather than that you play it because it's cute and fun or any other thing you are probably actually choosing to play it based on) is a form of armchair activism? isnt it more weird to need everything in your life to perfectly align to your politics, not in the sense that you select your pastimes based on those politics, but that you select them based on non-political criteria & then insist to everyone that Actually This Is Based On My Politics even when we can all plainly see that it's not???

stardew valley is a little farming sim. whether you like to play it or not says nothing about your irl politics. but literally just by looking at what you do in the game, which is produce things so you can sell them to make more things, you guys cannot seriously be claiming THIS is your anti-capitalist utopia and get weirdly mad and project this sense of armchair activism onto people who point out that it just literally isn't. sdv is a lot of things, but anti-capitalist is so totally not one. and i have no interest in explaining the intricacies of how the sdv farmer could be capitalist when they throw joja out of town, because frankly i have seen other posts about that and i have yet to see anyone involved in arguing for #sdvleftistutopia demonstrate any understanding of like. well like even the most basic understanding of class dynamics or that the word bourgeoisie has a specific meaning that is distinct from 'rich person' or 'ceo of corporation'.

also everyone takes it wayyyy personal like saying that sdv isn't anti-capitalist somehow translates to saying anyone who plays sdv and is anti-capitalist is actually a FAKE LEFTIST BETRAYING THEIR VALUES which is just not what anyone is saying ever and acting like they are kills the conversation dead. the conversation that YOU STARTED by claiming sdv was leftist or whatever

inb4 anyone gets on my ass about letting people do what they want, i LOVE stardew valley. i have played more than 1000 hours of stardew valley. if pointing out that sdv is capitalist makes you shit your pants then actually i kind of think you are a fake fan. what was all this about the spreadsheets to maximize efficiency. just like think for even 20 seconds about what you do in the game and how it may actually clash with your irl politics and hope for the world and ultimately imo that will make you a much better leftist than insisting that everything you do is actually already leftist simply because it makes you feel nice and cozy. niceness and coziness are not correlated in any way with 'correct' politics and the sooner you internalize that without viewing it as an attack on the things in your life that are nice and cozy the less we will have to have stupid conversations like this

also last thought it's totally your prerogative to turn off your brain and not think about politics while gaming but if that's your position then don't get on tumblr dot com to claim these things are leftist (how would you know, your brain was off) and also when people kept their brains on (regardless of what their conclusion was about the internal politics of sdv, or for that matter any media) and are trying to talk about it to each other, don't annoyedly get on your high horse about how actually you shouldn't have to turn your brain on. you don't have to. stop talking to me about it if you won't though.

[1roentgen]

.

[spitblaze]

because i am always always ALWAYS anxious that someone is gonna interpret something i say in bad faith i made that anti-transmasculinity post bc there was a minute or two on tumblr and twitter where trans men were the Embarassing Cringe Queers Du Jour and people were like 'lol trans men dont even face any sort of discrimination outside of garden variety transphobia' which is patently fuckin untrue and im very tired of being called a 'pussy' and a 'whiner' because people do not take me seriously as a man unless its to claim im a predator or violent so. theres that

[thevalleyoftriumph]

im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse

[surpriserose]

i feel like we gotta talk more about how to ACTUALLY "get organized" communistly in places that aren't fucking. Seattle or a college town like we dont have organizations here like i couldnt even connect with milquetoast liberal lgbt groups because they dont exist here where am i supposed to find anything in this shitty town

[skeletalheartattack]

happy almost birthday :o)

:) thank you!!! there's gonna be a bounce castle at my birthday party and every body is invited

[viewmonster-deactivated20230122]

torn between "archive of our own is host to some truly vile and downright traumatizing shit including but not limited to romanticized depictions of racism pedophilia incest and abuse and the moderation does nothing about it and every asshole with that websites dick down their throat is really annoying about "censorship" because theyve been called out for jerking off to written CSEM and so honestly i would be glad if it went away" and "archive of our own is like the only dedicated place where any old layperson can put their written fanworks without having to learn an entire coding language and put together their own website and a lot of just regular people who havent been sucked into the horrific throes of fandom discourse who just like to read or write fanfiction once in a while are going to lose out on a good space to share it with others"

[iphisesque]

Are you black? If not why are you using aave 💀

[jarvis-cockhead]

sorry to ppl who get mad if you dont love johnny cash's hurt cover but im not american and i love trent reznor

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[mifunebooty]

How come mega fucking legend Wuthering Heights has a 3 star something rating on goodreads but this Violeta book i got from the library has a 4 star rating?

[todayisafridaynight]

I don't think they're going full Dynasty Warriors, but given the game is specifically supposed to cover everything between 6 and 7 and 8 (and is, you know, called LaD7 Gaiden and takes place in Hama and Soten), it makes sense to me crowds would be a big deal. Because the climactic fight for Kiryu in Sotenbori in that timeframe would be the Omi HQ fight and that was visibly one of the most crowded battles in RGG history and is only experienced in bite-sized pieces in Y7 because of the turn-based system.

Plus, Kiryu's never really had any big crowd control moments outside of maybe Y5 (in which the MASSIVE fight at the end of his part is one of the most well-loved fights in the series), but with Agent's electric bind wires and other gadgets, there's definitely more to play around with along those lines that would benefit from big crowds and the Dragon Engine's seamlessness.

This is also why I don't fault anyone at all for thinking fan favorites would show up, because for the Omi HQ fight, you've necessarily got Ichi's party, you've got the Jimas, you've got Watase, you've even got Arakawa. Wouldn't that be something... to get to see all of them fight in real time...

Plus, even if Gaiden doesn't want to tread old ground, there is still a "missing scene" in the form of Kiryu's group getting attacked by Omi remnants, as Arakawa mentioned. They only got to hang out and catch up off-screen, so it's pretty perfectly set up to be explored in Gaiden. I wanna see him and Daigo reconnect goddammit...

yeah no i dont think they'll go for a dynasty warriors type beat either, it was only that someone mentioned the possibility that had me tryin to imagine what thatd be like

i actually had Y5's crowd fight in mind when thinkin' bout it and that's why i thought the crowd situation was so bizarre compared to how that crowd was executed