#im still trying to figure out why this got triggered tho i have a pretty good idea why i think.... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ruby-whistler · 3 years ago

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Alright curious anon here. All this is /dsmp /rp from here on out unless otherwise specified and is refering to characters. If i make any mistakes or am misinformed please let me know! So by the cat was nothing compared to mushroom henry i was meaning more toward the fact that the cow was killed as a punishment for something not worth or ok for it to be killed for at all and the fact that it belonged to tommy, wheareas the cat was killed more to annoy dream and belonged to tommy. (1/?)

alright then another lengthy reply, here i come! /lh /dsmp /rp

Dream also did not seem to mourn the cat much, shrugging it off with a "just more motivation to break out".

it was killed to hurt dream, not to "annoy him". it doesn't matter who it belonged to, c!dream was attached to it and it died, which had an effect on him and also further proved his point about attachments being weakness and caring getting you hurt, and it's still very sad.

you say that it was not ok at all to kill mooshroom henry, but the cat's death wasn't ok either, so i really don't see your point.

again, i disagree it was "nothing compared to" either way. i never meant to compare them in the first place, i was simply talking about the cat and c!dream so i don't see why it is in any way necessary to drag c!tommy and other dead pets into this. /nm

also, it isn't true he didn't mourn it. he is a very reserved person who doesn't show his feelings much, that's true, but the cat death still changed the way he acted afterwards, as well as the attempts he made to prevent it. he didn't "shrug it off", he yelled about it because he was understandably upset.

You mentioned that propganda was used to make dream seem like a tyrant, could you specify a bjt? Cus im a little confused srry /gen. Because the most i can remember from the lmanburg era at least is him being called a b'tch or other similar insults. You also mentioned how trauma responses can be differet which is true! I agree! Do you have any ideas to what caused dream the trauma?

wilbur would continuously make him out to be some sort of oppressive, tyrannical force, in front of his troops - a prime example of this being the lyrics of the l'manberg anthem itself and the l'manberg declaration of independence.

actually! here's a nice thread about l'manberg's establishment complete with links, timestamps and evidence :]

i also said in my previous post what could've possibly caused it, but since the character intentionally hides his emotions from the public, it would be difficult to see how things really affected him - which is why the way his spiral went is the majority of the evidence that would imply it, however it does make sense within the story as well with what i mentioned last time.

I would like to note that for sapnap at least had reason to leave dream. Some examples off the top of my head are dream leading an angry fundy to sapnap's pets on purpose, resulting in some deaths, dream assisting tommy in burning down sapnap's effiel tower where he got engaged to karl, and dream giving tommy either mars or the other fish at the battle of the lake. Idk about george tho other then the whole mexican lmanburg/el rapids thing and decrowning him

c!sapnap was actually at fault for most of this, and it wasn't really ever betrayal on c!dream's part.

c!dream is a mediator and he wants to stop everyone's conflict - c!fundy was angry because of c!sapnap's actions, and hence it made more sense for c!dream to centre him on c!sapnap's animals instead of running around killing everyone's pets (at that time, all c!dream knew was c!sapnap did something really bad and c!fundy wanted beckerson / mars from him, which were also his and c!george's fish).

c!sapnap was an instigator, and in multiple conflicts during the time as well as before he'd align himself against c!dream. he isn't "loyal" per se, he causes chaos and the reason c!dream helped c!tommy was because, c!sapnap, again, killed his pet. the first l'manberg war and then the 16th are signs of the fact that c!dream and c!sapnap were willing to fight together in actual war, but these small conflicts where c!sapnap continuously picked fights weren't about personal loyalty, nor did they seem to affect their relationship at all.

c!george was never really hurt by c!dream either. the dethronement was him very obviously being a guilt-trippy drama queen, but, well, that's just the character. he had stolen the l'mantree while he was supposed to be the diplomatic figure of the greater smp, which is why c!dream was justified in - very politely, may i mention - taking the duties off of him (seeing as he was also trying to keep him safe and c!techno had already assassinated him once).

Im pretty sure i remember cc!sam stating that his character never canonically physically tortured dream during his subathon but take this with a grain of salt as i am looking for the clip currently. So to the best of my knowledge dream did not have a physical contact trigger during tommy's visit which! I rewatched the vod and dream actually was first to hit tommy and i can give you my full writing downs but 10/12 of the phy-

you never finished this point because you had to go do something, but i'll reply to what is here at the moment (i suggest writing these down before sending next time, or even writing them out wholly before sending a single one could help avoid stuff like this).

i am 95% sure that the reason cc!sam stated this was because people were suspicious he had already been doing what c!quackity was doing after - torture within the storyline itself is associated pretty much only with what c!quackity is doing, so that's what he meant, just to clear up confusion - the starvation or terrible conditions haven't been retconned, but it was direct torture (like c!quackity is doing) people were asking him about.

i never said c!dream had a physical contact trigger at all, i don't think he had that, though he probably will after the torture.

huh, ok, i'm gonna have to rewatch then, but i remember c!tommy punching c!dream a lot and him just telling him to stop and only punching back to get him to stop. trigger or not, getting hit isn't very pleasant, if you know what i mean.

You mentioned tommy stealing dream's armor unprovoked. Do you have the vod or a general idea of the time so i can find it? Like before lmanburg after another event so and so because if you do not have it i can find it but any help is appreciated.

i am pretty sure you can find the video on cc!tommy's channel! there are also recaps of the disc war on youtube :]

I wanna talk a little on why the Final Control Room was so messed up. For starters, with the way the room was designed. It was small, and had labeled, empty chests with each person's name on them as a mockery. The next reason is that its bascially a kill box.

It's fairly inescapble with the stairs being ones you have to jump up, slowing anyone who climbs them down. The final reason it is messed up is that it is shown to have caused every person who died in it trauma. With tommy there are several examples, the time he saw it with techno, the way he refuses to go near it, the exposure trauma, etc. Fundy also appears to have trauma, as when the Red Banquet executions began, it can be seen as him being afraid of dying last again.

It can Be thought as tubbo having trauma because he buries most of his issues and pretends to be ok. Moreover this event took at least one of each person's canon lives, making it the most canon lives lost EVER in a dream smp event. (This is not hate on any of the ccs btw i loved this scene and its one of my personal favorites). Plus the fact Eret's betrayal just literally happened, giving at least Tommy and Wilbur canonic trust issues.

i wouldn't call the chests mockery? it was a trap. people had traps on the smp before. it was a trap in the middle of war, supposed to end said war by killing them all at once rather than individually which would be a lot more bloody and difficult.

i agree c!tommy and other people might have post-war trauma, especially if they were young during the time, but i think that's because the final control room was "messed up", moreso because the war itself was. it all happened fairly instantly as well? i don't think c!fundy would be able to realize he was the last one standing within the two second before he wasn't.

it "can be thought" and it can be interpreted like that but besides c!tommy there isn't much evidence for them "all" being traumatized by the final control room. of course betrayal would spark trust issues, i understand that.

The probation was humiliating in my opinion because dream was Sending tommy anatgonizing messages through out the whole meeting, plus he had to write a review of his day every single day, which fundy mocked him for.

i mean, it was definitely a strike to his pride, but he was being extremely uncooperative so i don't really blame the other members of new l'manberg trying to teach him to listen for once? of course i know c!dream was riling him up, and that should definitely be considered. i don't think it would be as humiliating if c!tommy didn't make it, is what i'm saying.

for the tommy being toxic to fundy? At least for the examples you gave, to me personally they come acoross as either in a meta way being the cc's bantering or in canon being the characters having banter. If you can send the post with the clips so i can read the tone better that would be cool but if not i will try and find em.

no, these were all in canon. canon isn't only when c!tommy is being nice, it's also when he's being a jerk. /lh

the first one was him threatening c!fundy about kicking him out of l'manberg and undermining his self-worth, and the second one was him trying to get c!sapnap to vote for them via bullying c!fundy.

i found these from a transcript focusing on c!fundy's character, so i don't know exactly where the first one is from, but the second one i am pretty sure is from when the elections were starting with the whole cabinet battle deal and all of that.

there are other instances, and all of them are canon. his personality was never being nice or compassionate, so i'm not really surprised? he still cares about the people he cares about and is very brave, y'know. but this part of his personality is definitely a valid reason for people to dislike him.

I hope the exam went well :). Hope u have a great day! (Ps i think theres something called a submission box to send in pictures? Am not entirely sure sry)

it would've gone well but my work-speed is a tad too slow for the schooling system (considering i'm three years younger than my classmates,,, probably that's also a factor) so probably not despite the fact i knew everything and would've aced it if i only had more time. i did as well as i could so i'm not worried about it, but thanks!

i think you're thinking submissions. sadly, i tested it and it doesn't work on anons, so idk how you'd solve that, maybe make a burner account?

Curious anon here one point you may wanna include in the redemption essay is that c!tubbo or c!tommy do not necessarily have to forgive him. What's important is that he recognizes what he did was wrong (exile, beating tommy to death, manipulating them both, etc) and does his best to make amends. Hope this helps! Can't wait to see your essay

it's out, idk if you've seen it yet, and i think i included enough of that so hope it's all good! :)

the mcc update video is out if you are an mcc enjoyer. It's very neat, if you wanna check it out

yeah! i am a fellow mcc enjoyer, saw it already, thanks for telling me though, i'm really hype for today.

Allo curious anon here sorry if the lots of asks bother you. I was just curious if i could share an interesting post i saw today about c!dream :0 (not necessarily negative i think? More of a statement of an often-confused canon)

sure thing! i don't know what you mean by often-confused since, the entire fanbase is very confused always, and often selection bias plays into the perception from both sides, but sure :]

you also sent in a thing for the other anon who said they didn't know what c!dream did that bad; pretty sure they couldn't really be alerted since, not sure if they watch my blog that closely, but i'll summarize your points just in case and add some notes;

the repeated blowing up of l'manberg (in my mind that's largely a positive since i,, despise that country, but fair enough), revealed c!ranboo as a traitor (they seem to be friends so i also,, think that might've been planned between him and enderboo), sent ghostbur away (i don't think c!dream knew it was dangerous for him and wanted to actually hurt him, but idk), participated in fighting against c!sapnap when he killed people's pets (that's only negative against c!sapnap and didn't seem to hurt him much at all), and then the whole vault scene where he was allegedly planning to steal people's things (though saying he would & being stopped beforehand and doing it are two different things, frankly).

so i still agree with the other anon that a lot of the hurt he did "to the entire server" (he only negatively interacted with like,, a half of them) is exaggerated both by the characters and the fandom, but i guess that's a consequence of most people seeing him as a threat to everyone's happiness rather than a complex personality.

Also he was aware of the butcher army going to kill techno but only got involved because he saw an opportunity to get a favor. (As he knew in advance due to him telling techno to get a totem, watching from afar instead of interveing or manipulating tubbo out of it)

i don't understand this at all, i'm sorry. how do you know he only helped techno in order to get a favor? last i remember he was only doing it to protect and strengthen his alliance, and techno came up with the whole favor thing entirely on his own. you might've not watched techno's perspective or their prior interactions, idk, but this really is a misinterpretation in my eyes. /nm

sorry if that is overly dream negative i just wanted to let yall know cus you seemed unaware -curious anon

nah dw, i watch the smp and i watched all of these things happen so, wouldn't say unaware, but thanks.

#long post #my asks #curious anon #tw torture #tw animal death #c!dream negativity in asks #nothing aggressive though #so safe to read

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roguestarsailor · 4 years ago

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You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is).

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo???

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too! but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her??? i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too.

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand 2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird.

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

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We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love-

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

#sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #long post #self harm tw #abuse tw #child abuse tw #mind control tw #angst #mind control angst #ask #anonymous

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acewlwtoast · 4 years ago

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Sonntag 12:15

Okay, so I wasn’t sure if I should still post this, since the clip has already been out for a hot minute and I just started editing, but some of my discord friends motivated me enough to finish this.

Okay, im actually so happy to see the Cashqueens again!

I absolutely love Kieutou, but Fatou's story isnt only about that, so I'm happy to see this group again. Even if the mood in general is a bit weird rn? But I'm pretty sure they can all figure it out, and i hope we get more great Cashqueens content soon!

THE HAIR JUST- IVE BEEN LOOKING AT THIS FOR FOUR HOURS NOW

also they're just chilling. I love it.

Fatou wants to tell themmmm

Ava COMPLIMENTS YES

also you’re right, that hair is beautiful. (I will never stop talking about it)

I mean. I don't really want to bash any characters (except for maybe Constantpain), but the way Mailin just interrupts their casual conversation about their hair, to loudly bring up police brutality? I don't like it. I mean it's nice that she is informing herself, but it kinda makes it seem like she is more parading around that she actually cares for black people. It seems a bit as if she feels like she needs to prove to Ava (and Fatou) that she is actually being such a good activist by informing herself.

I don't think she should be informing herself to prove something to others, but to become a better activist herself. And the way she talks about these topics at the moment seems really insensitive, especially when she interrupts her friends talking about something that is (as far as I know) a pretty integral part of black culture.

(Also. I'm white. I'm sorry if I say something which is hurtful for anyone in any way. I'm trying to talk about this as respectful as I can, but if I'm not succeeding in that, i would really appreciate if someone could tell me.)

And the way she directly asks Ava and Fatou if something like this has ever happened to them like?? Why would you think that's respectful in any way?? You brought up this topic in this setting, and are now showing them, what might be a triggering video? You already know that they probably have experienced many forms of racism, and to directly ask them about this extreme example....doesn't seem right.

It almost seems a bit like she's....idk trying to educate the others? They are obviously aware that these things exist.

And the others are just like....😐😒

I wanna thank Ava for changing the subject.

They still got a bit more than a week to be completely done with the store room (Kieutou making out in there when? 👀)

Fatou's mom trying to be supportive. It's sweet. And fatou doesn't seem overly annoyed by the message. I think she was already planning on answering, but didn't do it, when ava started talking to her.

Fatou feeling bad about forgetting the inventory list.....how can a person look this adorable?

Bestie pinky promiseeeee hell yessss

FATOU SPEAKING UP HELL YES I’m so happy she finally told them.

And Nora sitting back down to show that she will listen :) my queens

Nora’s reaction overall seems amazing. I miss seeing stuff of her. I know this has been discussed already, but I think I was also expecting to see more of Nora in Fatou’s

Also Fatou is so adorable can't stop smilingggggg

Her look at Ava....like she feels bad for not telling her first. But i mean, she tried. And she's doing it now :)

"Ja, ich will auch mit ihr zusammen sein/Yes, I want to be with her as well.", she says it so surely, and with that smile, i just- :)

I like that her friends are like "are you sure?" but GIRLS you didn't see those two together istg

Everyone is just waiting for Ava's reaction. And she forces a smile :/

Mailin with her "maybe we can get to know her better" is just makin me happyyyyy tho

And Mailin leaving Ava and Fatou alone, cos she knows that those two will probably want to talk about it alone as well. I really like that. And then Ava smiling at Mailin (idk if it's forced or not, but my point still stands) to say thank you? Love it. Love them all.

"I really wanted to tell you first"-"It's okay, i was really busy." It's true, and i like that it seems to be okay with Ava. I think her current mood might be more influenced by the things with her own family and Marc. I really hope we will find out more about that (be it on Friday, or in an Ava season 👀)

Also ava wanting to tell fatou about her stuff in a more private setting. I understand that. Fatou already dropped a pretty big bomb here.

I love that Fatou asks her to hang out. I love it. Those two are so important to each other, and they really deserve a Friday clip together (i still hope for a LOT of Kieutou content this week tho.)

Fatou getting her way by talking bout muuuusic i love it

Avo-kunst. I adore this woman.

I love Ava and Fatou.

This......was a nice Clip. I’m sorry if I don’t sound as excited as usual, but I still wanted to share some of my thoughts.

Y’all have a nice evening <3

#druck #Lube rambles #druck new gen #Fatou jallow #Ava pereira #mailin richter #cashqueens #druck s6

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lovleez · 4 years ago

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oner 《恶浪》 mv/film theory

(this is less of a theory and more of a debunking of the mv though)

warnings: mentions of violence, murder (i wont include gifs of the bloody moments but it will be discussed!!!), animal abuse, and a bomb or two ? (someone gets blown up ;-;)

honestly the debunking might get a lil bit dark around the ling chao and ziyang individual parts, so be warned of that!

it would be helpful for you to watch/listen to these to process whats going on here:

oner 《恶浪》 mv (cw blood, murder, animal abuse, & heavy violence - please dont watch if these are triggers for you!!!) (there’s also eng subs in this link ^^)

oner - AGENT (this is a song, but there’s quite a bit of dialogue near the end that ties into this plot!) (cw gunshot, beeping noises that resemble a bomb ?? - all at the end of the song w/ the dialogue)

okay lets dive into it d(^-^)> !!!

to get the important info out of the way!

the start of the mv shows the three of them chilling on the couch, as friends do, watching,,well themselves on the screen (oner’s past performances as idols) (and i do believe that the idols part of this has some significance that i can figure out). the important takeaway from the beginning rlly is that they’re three good friends...who are completely unaware of each other’s secret occupations

their occupations being: ziyang, a murderer, yueyue, a spy, and ling chao, a hacker

now to jump into the main story! (starting around 1:35)

yueyue and ziyang both have the same target: the man in the restaurant. however yueyue gets there first and does his job well, as he gets away without being caught. ziyang is frustrated that his target is taken already.

*interesting detail here, but when trying to enter, ziyang shows them a ring with a purple jewel in the middle for entry,,,coincidentally, the man yueyue kills in the bar in his personal segment in the film later also has the same ring? obv the ring is for the restaurant entry so maybe ziyang wasn’t going to kill this “boss” but maybe negotiate/discuss something with him instead...but also thats disproven by the fact that ziyang pulled out a gun to presumably shoot him before realizing the dude was dead....

but also,,,suspicious how there was a zoom in to the purple ring when yueyue kills the man in the bar..maybe it means more than we think it does? altho im not too sure what to think abt it for now

for reference:

ziyang’s ring

dead man in bar’s ring

moving on

okay so since yueyue is a spy n all, he has to confirm his kill somewhere right? this somewhere is a phone booth,,,one that ling chao has rigged up with a bomb,,,,

speculation: someone hired ling chao to kill someone who will be approaching the phone booth; at this time, lc doesn’t know that this someone is yueyue (and is v shocked to see him there through his cameras as evident by his “what the hell! are you kidding me?”)

....and after this part the film dives into their personal stories to give more background on who these three are (i’ll expand on those after i finish explaining the present timeline ^^) before coming back to the main story

so!

ling chao “accidentally” blew up yueyue oh no (he’s still alive tho yey)

& then yueyue holds up a piece of candy,,,and immediately knows its ling chao (cuz its the piece of candy lc was eating earlier in the film)

(and to take care of all loose ends that my brain is providing me with: in the beginning they didn’t know abt each other’s secret occupations...how does yueyue know that lc is capable of doing this? my answer: they used to be agent buddies!!! i’ll expand on this later hehe)

and so

it was at this moment ling chao knew...he fucked up

he’s afraid yueyue might come after him.

which, is exactly what yueyue does

after going home or somewhere, yueyue receives a text telling him to get rid of “them” (ling chao) bc his “identity is exposed”

....so now yueyue has to go and hunt down his buddy ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

and they fight! looks very painful for ling chao,,,poor dude,,,

since ziyang comes out from the back door to join the fight, theres two possibilities that come from this:

1) ling chao knew yueyue was coming and knew he couldnt take him down himself (lets be honest; he looks rlly scrawny) so he called ziyang to his location for backup (how could he know ziyang can fight? agent buddies 👐)

2) ziyang and ling chao live together in the same house

anyways, both results making it obvious that ling chao and ziyang are on the same team while yueyue is on another (lets ignore the fact that ling chao was getting up to fight ziyang as well)

the fight scene is so dramatic oml T-T

ziyang could also be motivated to beat up yueyue in this fight cuz the dude did take his target before he himself could (loophole: how did ziyang know it was yueyue who took his target? answer: maybe yueyue left like a signature or smthn at the crime scene, or ziyang saw him walk out ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ )

and when they all beat the living heck out of each other and are dramatically lying down in different areas of the room

the tv turns on to a council saying “still want to be idols?”

(and remember, the thing they were watching on tv earlier was themselves performing,,,as idols. i cant connect it further than that so lemme know if yall figure smthn out ^-^)

so mayhaps this council is yueyue’s agency and they wanted to turn the trio against each other...? they would have set this whole situation up: they knew ziyang wanted to kill the restaurant “boss”, so they assigned yueyue to take care of him first, which creates conflict between those two. then, they hired ling chao to rig up a phone booth with a bomb; basically setting him up against yueyue

whether this council succeeds with their plan or not is unrevealed bc the film has a “to be continued” at the end, so the storyline still will have more to it!!!

although i would say the council succeeded since they all did beat each other bruised and bloody

that leaves the question: why is the council setting them up against each other?

what are there previous connections beyond them just being friends 👀 ?

and here i shall bring back the “agent buddies” bit i was talking abt earlier, as well as why i linked the agent song in the beginning

near the end of the mv, there’s quite a lot of dialogue between the three of them, and it goes like this:

[robotic voice: welcome agent oner

ling chao (?): check

yueyue: yo what up guys!

ziyang: yo what up bro

ziyang (yueyue?): alright lets take them out

yueyue: okay gentlemen we got a lot to do

ziyang: ey we gotta finish this quick, i got a date tonight

yueyue: really?

ziyang: no hard feelings (couldnt catch the rest)

yueyue: okay shut up

ling chao: hey guys, i saw a hit

(?): copy that

yueyue (ziyang?): hold your breath....now

ling chao: guys watch out

yueyue: okay guys locked and loaded

*single shot can be heard, then the reloading of a gun*

yueyue (?): go go go!

yueyue: fire fire fire!

yueyue: ???? *indistinguishable orders*

ziyang?: i got trouble i got trouble

yueyue: ?? i got ?? lets go

ling chao: stay together

ziyang (yueyue??): okay set to kill

ling chao: damn the truck is (blown?)

yueyue: what the hell

ziyang: okay let me (???) it

*bomb beeping noises*

yueyue: ???? clean this blood on my shirt]

(not sure how accurate my hearing is but its enough to make some guesses 😅)

agent buddies! the three of them used to be agents, as the song is titled, at some agency...and they probably made a pretty strong team together

the agency story would explain why they all seem to be good fighters too!

thats why the council might have wanted to tear them apart. perhaps the council was doing something that they knew would displease the trio, so they needed them separated lest they team up and try to defeat them

i also think this audio could have been describing a mission going wrong for them, possibly their last one as a team. someone was probably hurt (im betting on either ziyang or ling chao), and they quit the agency and aimed to live normal lives from then on

...but old habits are hard to forget, so ziyang starts to kill ppl in his free time, yueyue joined another agency as a spy, and ling chao uses his hacking skills for other purposes

however they all dont tell each other, which could add on to the tension of their fight at the end of the film

now to dive into their individual bits of the film. these all don’t connect much to the main lore, just expands onto their lives with their secret occupations btw!

YUEYUE

his segment details moments in his daily agent life; im guessing he’s not very happy with it judging by his nightmares? or the nightmares are bringing up his past at his old agency which he does not like

he’s also master of disguise woah

personally i think he’s losing “who he is”. he’s always playing the role of another person, always putting on another disguise...so he starts losing his sense of identity (if that makes sense ;-;)

(and if you wanna stretch it and make things wholesome, maybe the only times he [feels like himself] is when he’s around his two friends)

so basically: he’s always filling out other personas to the point where he doesnt know who he is anymore

(this is also the segment where he kills a man in the bar with poison,,,and the man was wearing the same ring as ziyang,,,,which is like Hm. why’d the directors do that ��)

ZIYANG

aka the murderer :D

(and not just regular serial killer type, more like joker-esque type where they’re a bit insane,,,)

okay his segment starts of with him dragging a man through a white room, where the floors is covered with plastic, and on the walls are a bunch of clay molds of human body parts

my brain has concluded that! ziyang takes clay and makes molds of his victim’s faces/body parts of who he kills! to make statues!

(i dont even know how i got there aksjdhdh but thats just what i assumed the first time i watched this film thingy)

and to make it more messed up than it already sounds,,,im guessing he’s a famous statue maker too, and holds shows where he presents his works to the public and maybe even bids them off ?

,,,,little did the audience know,,,,

(this kinda remind me of sally and gabe’s statue from the pjo too now aksjhdkdh)

(i got this assumption from 6:50 in the film where he walks out in front of an audience who start clapping,,,and let my brain run wild with the rest,,,)

of course, he probably kills off the people he was the molding the clay off of once he’s done with his works,,,or sometimes even in the middle of his works as shown in the mv (*-* )

but alas that is not all to his story,,,

judging by his flashbacks when he’s beating that one dude to death with a bat, he used to be bullied when he was in school, which seems to be the source of all his anger throughout the film..

( yeah he killed the bullies too (_ _ )> )

its part of his personality to be rough and short tempered - he doesn’t like people looking down on him (as the bullies did)

and,,,if you want to be wholesome again! perhaps he found some bits of happiness and peace when hanging out with the others :]

LING CHAO

cw: animals abuse!!!

his is pretty simple and is already explained in the mv itself! i’ll walk ya’ll through it though in case you didn’t watch the film tho akdjdjkf

basically: he’s just a dude who loves dogs :]

a lot

in his segment, a girl (handong, looking absolutely stunning ToT) approaches him wanting to take home another stray, and when he asks her where how the previous dog she adopted was doing, she says that “my bestie loved him a lot, so i gave him to her” ( -_- )

so...he lets her keep the dog, but also decides to keep an eye on her...to the point where she becomes very paranoid that someone is stalking her (which..she isnt wrong in)(but she doesn’t believe it to be ling chao because they’re..dating? i think? and he lulls her into a false sense of security that he’ll protect her from harm)

and then bam! one day he breaks into her house, steals the dog away, and then,,,,blows her up,,,,,

(i must say as disturbing this scene is,,,,i absolutely adore ling chao’s look here askjdjfd)

(i mean?? look at him?? loving the black lipstick ugh)

(v pale tho ;-;)

okay anyways the next flashbacks reveal that handong was abusing her dogs & starving them, and him being the animal lover he is, decides to kill her for it ig

(also she,,,stabbed the other dog that she “gave to her bestie” so-)

yeahh thats the end of his story; nothing much to take from it except that his hacker skills are still intact past agent days

annnd thats a wrap folks! nothing else to expand on; i’ll definitely make another part to expand on this if they decide to release another mini film in the future tho :]

#violence cw #animal abuse cw #oner #yueyue #mu ziyang #ling chao #ayra goes crazy #so i didnt add much original lore here but...eh...#cant wait to see how qins ent is gonna expand on the onerverse :>#plz tell me if i missed any warnings!!

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mousehole5000 · 4 years ago

Text

okay im rewriting tgcf (only in my head im lazy) here are my notes on hua/lian specifically this is long bc fuck it. major spoilers obviously and same trigger warnings as the content of the book

disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer that i dont know anything about the cultural background of anything in tgcf or story tropes etc etc this is just I Think It Would Be Neat If..

there’s not really any reason to keep hc as a kid in the backstory BUT in the story in the intro (which i like narratively) it still says that it was a child who xie lian caught. it’s one of those things that got added to the legend to make xie lian seem even more noble, there are also probably a few other inaccuracies in the intro that get found out as the story progresses. in actuality hc was kind of a known troublemaker to the city guards or whatever or had been in the past. maybe his mother just passed after a long illness and his tumble off the wall was intentional. either way he’s kind of pissed at xie lian for saving him. xie lian is concerned about his health so he has to stay at the palace for a while he recovers and only interacts with xie lian a few times. there is a point where he says out loud all the things about the divide between the rich and the poor that have been illustrated by the scenes with mu qing. feng xin tells him to shut up but mq goes dead silent bc he kind of agrees but can’t say and does have his loyalty to xie lian (its a whole thing) and the resentment begins

also i think young hc’s personality is similar to his personality in the present but a bit more reserved and he’s got like this plucky streak or something. also he is unquestionably gay

anyway hc sneaks out of the palace and xie lian catches him obviously but they have a brief little heart to heart where xie lian is like “look you can go if you want here take this money food” etc and demonstrates that he has actually listened to what hc has to say and hc is like “wow no one other than my mom has ever listened to me in my life so thats what that feels like i kind of like it” and he probably is a bit awestruck by xie lian in different ways and after that is like “okay this kingdom sucks but.. that guys not so bad”

sad ironic sense that if xie lian hadnt ascended until he was older he may have actually be able to do something about the problems in the kindgom but alas we have a cycle to perpetuate

the “take me as the meaning of your life” scene still happens p much the same but xl doesnt recognize hc who is actually now at his lowest point. hc tried to find ways to make things better for people like him but he simply did not succeed (maybe his were efforts quashed by the corrupt authorities? its implied probably) and he’s more disillusioned with the kingdom and life than ever but still is holding on to those memories of xie lian as proof that it doesnt have to be like this but that thread is slipping until!! whose fucking voice is that??? thats right its the one person you ever believed was truly good and went and proved you right by ascending to the heavens at age 17!!! guess its time to stan him forever

anyway hc joins the army but legally or whatever and tbh i would have hated the flower cave scene regardless of anything i just hate any sort of s*x pollen trope or anything so thats gone (they can have a wound tending scene or something tho thats the good shit) and instead we have HL getting overwhelmed by some other demons or something together and xie lian protects hc and they both get injured very badly (maybe hc would lose a limb but im not sure how that would work once hes a ghost so thats on hold for now until i figure it out) and xl is fine but this situation ends up being part of why mq kicks hc out of the army but yes hc still ends up dying on the battlefield anyway </3

the wuming stuff is the same i think but also at some point xl is despairing and says something about that guy he saved from falling and wonders what happened to him and fire ghost wuming is like !!!!! (wait does this happen in canon? honestly it should)

in mount tong’lu i was tempted to actually have hc have a similar moment to the bamboo hat scene with the humans who are trapped in there but im not sure if i just want it to be the same as xie lian’s story... also i like the idea of hc needing to hang onto his devotion to get through his first few centuries of being a ghost so maybe he’s just inspired by xie lian’s sacrifice with the sword and the souls and thats why he claws his own eye out as a sacrifice

so this can go one of two ways from here!!! both are me projecting hardcore so take them with a grain of salt im not saying im right about the way relationships should be these a re just my thoughts <3

1. (the not fun one but it still has a happy ending) the story more or less continues the same as canon. pure and simple devotion is what carries hc through the centuries. we get to see some ghost city antics and its fun but there is nothing complicated about the devotion hc just wants to find xl and protect him. hualian eventually meet. they get along pretty well!! eventually there are cracks. when you hold someone in your mind for so long you have expectations for them that no person can meet consistently. hc thinks that since he’s seen xl during the worst time in his life that he can handle anything but it turns out that as amazing as xl is, he is also just a person and sometimes he is wrong or irrational or annoying. xl is so happy to have someone who will listen to him talk that he kind of neglects to really get to know who hc is as a person and hc is kind of like “huh i didnt expect this but im kind of hurt. i genuinely thought that i just wanted to serve and protect you but actually im my own person and this is weird” but he doesnt say anything he thinks he has to stick to his promise and it gets kind of uncomfortable!! maybe his luck goes haywire bc his faith gets rocked for the first time ever and they end up having to talk it out but their relationship is stronger for it <3

2. (i think this one is fun) hc struggles with waiting. he does it but its hard. he has doubts and when all his efforts to find xl are fruitless he starts to grow bitter and curses the day that xl saved him. his faith burns low but doesnt go out. then ghost city!! hc realizes that he can finally help people like him, even if theyre ghosts now and hes grateful for the chance to do this and grateful to xl and resigns himself to waiting. but its still hard!! he realizes that his luck is tied to his devotion and gets kind of pissed about it!!! he tries to remember all the good things about xl but its hard!!! his search becomes more about repaying a debt so he can be free than anything else, he just wants to help the common people spirits with no strings attached (this actually allows him to keep his luck bc he has the same wish as xl and thats what makes him a true believer!! is this corny? does it make sense? i dont care) and so eventually when he finds xl he’s like okay how quickly can i repay this debt/how can i keep my powers but then xie lian is... so good... and hc actually really likes him he remembers why he swore his devotion in the first place. now hes conflicted!!! dont worry they fall in love tho <3

wow this was really long if you read this hiiiii. anyway when i reread ill try to pay more attention to yin yu and he xuan for hc’s 800 years. hua cheng we’re gonna get you some friends and lore i swear to god

#agenda on the whole: hc character exploration #more ling wen and she gets a gf #i am making fq so fucking canon #sqx also gets a gf it is not [redacted]#less pm less qr #more lady rainmaster esp relevance wrt to agriculture!! it affects so much!!!#mouse mumbles #tgcf textp #move

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floorbed · 4 years ago

Note

7 19 23 35 40 52 69 for The Jester and The Crimegirl

thank you so much bee omg i loved the questions u made sm!!! time for Them. this is super super long im sorry njdkkfkrenkjr

7. which party member do they understand the least?

for pen it is probably alba if he had to pick anyone? just because he can do Crazy Shit Sometimes. but pen still feels like he understands him v well!!

for agni its probably elvira! she is from a place she knows next to nothing about besides what elvira’s explained or what she’s learned from school, she is 100+ years old, yeah! while agni doesnt like fully Understand her she still thinks she’s really cool!! it was rlly nice of her to try and comfort her when she initially found out abt Rei Time. and also knitted her a pretty holster that was so nice of her!!

19. what haunts them? what doesn’t?

pen’s is home. so mf much he genuinely loves his party a lot and has gotten really attached but also like he misses home so bad it hurts. he felt like he was an intrinsic part of something that he fit perfectly and was never gonna have to give up, and he got to be w everyone he cared about all day. he’s haunted by mikolai’s wedding lol. he’s also haunted by The Shit That Went Down Pertaining To His Exile, His Subsequent Exile, Making the Pact, Dying, Making The Pact Pt 2, The Thing He Had To Do After He Made The Pact, And Then Also Dying Again. he’s haunted by holding ori dead in his arms and bringing her back using power he now understands was from a Not That Great Place. he barely knew her then but he still thought about it all the time, and now he thinks abt it even more lol! he just is not used to life being. Like This. at all. he was a vvvvvv spoiled kid. (some nobility complex part of him is haunted by lydia! stupid jester!)

he’s not haunted by everyone he’s been a bitch to lol, unless he vocally apologized for it later nfjnf. he’s not haunted by vargas. uh

agni is not haunted by most things and That’s On her super healthy coping mechanism! she tries to not think about her personal life with that much weight, she tries to keep it abstract in her head? but also there are some things she can’t help but get Unnamed Bad Feeling from instinctively. rei. w how last session fucking turned out lol, watching seras collapse in the doorway Will Def Become One. Moms Time, both for individual reasons. sometimes, not being accomplished, but that also filters into Moms Time. everything else tho she kind of just vibes through.

23. how do they feel about nicknames, titles, or labels that have been given to them? how do they feel about their name?

pens Official Title is penance the jester, court jester of tarbyen (and he makes sure no one forgets it lol.) everyone he grew up around had official titles so it made him feel realllyyy good abt himself that he had one too! (he likes that the party’s nicknamed him pen tho, he thinks its sweet >:) ) his Name name is camil, but only his mom n mikolai called him that, so he thinks its very like..... informal, and he likes being a Formal Title Boy, but also it makes him go all soft bc the two ppl he loved most called him that!! conflicting feelings.

agni’s had her nickname since she was really young i think, one of those like, you’re in fantasy kindergarten and learning how to spell and your first name is rlly long, so u employ a nickname very early Kind Of Moments. her full name is agnodice and she likes it well enough! it feels very kind of like. stiff and formal to her tho. she thinks agni suits her better!

35. which party member do they worry for?

pen worries for All Of Them. he tries to follow juni when he’s having one of his (as pen puts it) “freak out moments” bc he’s scared someday it’s going to be something that really hurts him, and he wants to be there to help if it does. pen has fully accidentally triggered ori before, and he feels really bad about it, especially since her triggers literally Set Her On Fire. so you know. he tries to be really careful with his words around her, especially since the incident a couple sessions ago. also, he is Very Concerned abt all of her past stuff with the mahne that he’s recently learned abt, especially putting together all the past knowledge she’s given him abt the river and what to do in a pact and Where Exactly She Got That Info From. he’s grateful she’s not in any of that anymore, though, whatever the mahne is exactly. alba’s impulsivity worries pen n he wants to make sure alba doesnt accidentally Put Himself In A Situation accidentally w that someday.

agni worries for theodosia, just because she seems to know a lot about the fucked up illness time thats going on and it seems to rlly effect her and she knows it cld be coming from prior past experience? she also worries for cyrus because of the whole you know. his family’s shop and home being burned to the ground Situation, even though theyve since recovered it couldnt have been good for him. worries for kai, also, because he is Small Baby Boy. but worries as in like. does so in her agni way and it may not come across as such?

40. do they enjoy poetry?

pen loves poetry he heard a lot of epics at home!! the stories were Less fun when it was about like, war and bloodshed and stuff, but he loved them when they were all pretty n flowery or like romantic 🥺

agni likes hearing poetry recited, especially when it has a specific repetitive syllable pattern she can get lost in!

52. from whom do they seek validation?

pen simply be like [wants validation from nobility noises]. its his Complexes. thats why being @ ravenloft rn is so... bad for him lol bc hes getting like all the positive attention from important people hes wanted for his entire life, oops. hes literally living out a dream being asked to dance with someone so important!! he also seeks validation a lot from like powerpful women bc of growing up with his mom and how much he looked up to her and cared about her, which manifests itself a lot w wanting attention from ori and jenny (and previously w lady wachter lol) and also the lady of delights.

growing up agni sought validation from her mothers n instructors, now (while she still wants momsvalidation) she looks for validation mostly from herself, which is kind of bad bc she never feels fully satiated w her work n accomplishments!

69. how would they describe their party members?

for pen: ori feels like an older sister to him, hes too scared to express as much, but yeah! she is warm (he means figuratively but also lol) and Kind and Competent and Smart and above all, Safe. he defintely feels like, the safest with her than anyone else he’s encountered in his life, both i mean in the physical protection sense but moreso the emotional sense! yeah. juni is.,, complicated. at first pen was uhhh scared of him bc of the whole Sorcerer Thing, but after all of them talked abt it at jenny’s, that feeling passed and he was more just concerned for him than anything. he is Powerful and Pretty and even though he’s been thru a lot of things pen himself cant even comprehend juni’s still Soft and Understanding and pen really admires that about him! alba is Also Complicated, for different reasons. pen thinks he is Reckless and Impulsive but also Smart in his own little scheme way, and pen really appreciates him as like a constant in his life? like yeah, he is scary and concerning sometimes but he’s always Predictably as such and while pen doesn’t see alba as all that loyal in general pen is kind of blind to that stuff when it comes to ppl in relation to him, so he’s just glad he’s met someone that wants to stick with him.

for agni: cyrus is so nice to her!! he feels like a capital f Friend in her head and so far like. she’s only had one of those before so thats really cool!! he helps her out a lot and she tries to do what she can to be there for him too! it was nice of him to teach her abt Beach Swimming. theo is really cool and agni loves seeing her in her element doing Medicine Stuff she thinks she is really smart w that kind of thing and rlly respects her practice, agni’s also very interested in her magic!! she thinks dendy is small little lizard guy who sings silly songs. greatly appreciates him. she wld follow kai blindly into terrible plans because she wants to make sure this cool teen is alright , is thankful to know he can turn into a bear at will and she didnt do that on accident that one time! amadeus is confusing and hard to keep track of in her head, but at the end of the day she thinks he’s very caring and just looking out for people. adaeze is really fun to hang out with and she is both concerned and greatly impressed w her just straight up downing one of fer’s Fucked Up And Evil Potions no questions asked, bc thats something even Agni’s too scared to do. thinks her sword is very interesting in terms of the arcane, wants to see what happens w all that! elvira is super different from anyone agni’s been around but she thinks she’s an amazing artist and would love to see her home bc she talks about it so vividly!!

#mel talks #dnd tag #penance the jester #agni #whenever there is a pen question about feelings it is an automatic Long Ass Paragraph #and thats on his cancer moon

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years ago

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mtmte liveblog issue 11

and here we have to conclusion to the shadowplay arc...

clearly prowl hasn't seen national treasure smh

prowl, what exactly is confusing you about ‘secret government-sanctioned brainwashing facility’

the fact that prowl was willing to go so strongly against his morals to protect chromedome...oof bro

so the senator is basically professor x and all the outliers are mutants. got it

senator shockwave was just a sexy thot who wanted justice....poor guy

so there ARE gloves on cybertron...am I to just assume that the doctors don't like using them for some reason????? I mean tbf I've known a few medical professionals who don't wear gloves during certain procedures, like giving shots which, imo, yikes I would never, even simple vaccines can cause bleeding, but to each their own...are ppe rules not strict on cybertron, or is there a low risk of infection transfer due to the nature of cybertronian diseases? ah, the real questions

anyways. I should stop going on extremely off-topic medical rants

I relate to tailgate in his tendency to misspell. these liveblogs would be unreadable if it weren't for spellcheck

ouch, the fact that cd ‘never really forgave’ prowl for leaving the heist party w/out a word, even tho it turns out prowl stormed off w/a final request to keep cd safe and out of it all....cd and prowl are just a big tragic trainwreck huh

its interesting that skids used to be religious, when it seems like he isn't now. Wonder What Could Have Caused That Shift In Ideology! Hm!

oh my god I love how ironfist’s fanboy ranting about the primal vanguard is cut short just as he’s saying ‘a bomb disposal kit once used by-’ bc its like Oh I bet he was about to mention tailgate, yknow, the guy who (claims he) was the primal vanguard’s bomb disposal guy...that's such a great little detail

the stuff we hear from roller about senator shockwave is super interesting - it sounds like he’s been pretty aware of the state of society for a while, and has been trying to combat it from the inside...which isn't going so great, it seems, considering the state of society at the time.

also the whole ‘modifying people to hold the matrix (sometimes without their consent?)’ thing he’s got going on is. interesting. again, is there any sort of ethics laws on cybertron, seriously guys,

oof, op cares so much abt senator sw :( they were in love okay

red alert :(

rodimus is such an interesting character AUGH the fact that he takes red alert’s potential suicide to be a personal failing on his part as a captain...which, yknow, that idea has merit considering rodimus’s part in the whole overlord thing, as well as rodimus having told red alert that ‘everyone thought he was losing it.’ yeahhhhh, that's not quite the approach to take w/someone clearly suffering from a paranoid breakdown

poor magnus has no idea about all the overlord stuff, which is what triggered red alert’s breakdown

tho, magnus, idk that putting red alert in a cryofreeze chamber or w/e is the solution here. although maybe they’re all just at a loss bc cybertron’s only mental health specialist is current hanging out comatose in a bar

are we supposed to (retrospectively) read into rodimus and drift’s agreement to put red alert in storage as a way of covering up the overlord stuff? did they deduce that he figured out about overlord and that's what caused his breakdown? rodimus seems genuinely distressed about the whole cold storage situation, but is there more to it than ‘I failed as a captain bc this guy had a breakdown under my command’? I genuinely do not remember a lot about the overlord plot bc I was so confused the first time I read it and the second time I was too busy being extremely sad, so.

genuinely shocked that cybertron even has ‘health and safety inspections.’ it just figures that the one ratchet conducted wasn't an actual inspection, but an excuse to prepare for some good ole fashioned heisting

man I love a good heist/break-in

ok so skids rlly is just here for his grappling hook hvbhksddfjbjkdf my man

UH OH SENATE GOONS. never good

whoa, cybertronians have glenohumeral joints?? tho, ratchet says ‘glenohumeral socket,’ which doesn't exist in humans - we have a glenoid cavity/fossa/socket that articulates w/the head of the humerus to form the glenohumeral joint, so, close enough

anyways, that sure was a nonsequiter. ratchet busting out his lock picking skills is dope. do they teach that sorta stuff in cybertronian medical school? maybe its in place of the patient confidentiality lesson

seriously, ratchet sure knows a lot about bombs for a doctor. maybe they also cut out the courses on ppe and patient consent to make room for the cool stuff like BOMB CLASSES

op really DOES like jumping off stuff, doesn't he

oh no senator :(

JK HERES OP BUSTIN THRU A DUDES CHEST

oh no roller :(

‘remember me how I was’ NOOOO IM GONNA FUCKING CRY. SW AND OP MAKE ME SO SAD. GOD

op yeeted that matrix bomb like he was trying to make a touchdown or...something. not sure why I chose football, the only sport I dislike, as my metaphor here

lol it blew up a police station, nice

god, that reveal that the institute that we saw last issue was just one of many....and the one we saw was strikingly awful enough, so the fact that there's a ton more like that....oof

also, again, super interested in the fact that cd was involved in this arc where they see how scary and evil the institute is and then ended up working for the institute - well, the ‘new institute’ - later on

I'm weeping at the ‘big reveal’ for tailgate being that orion pax is optimus prime....its so funny that he didn't know that so it was a huge twist for him and absolutely nobody else hvbakdjhfbksjdf I love tailgate

also. is that the picture somebody drew of op for tg lmao

:D and then skids manages to wake rung up!!! all by getting his name wrong lmao. tho, maybe all the storytelling helped!

oh shit its zeta (prime?), here to talk to op, presumably about becoming the next space pope

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD THAT REVEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! BROOOOO the senator shockwave reveal slapped me right in the FACE the first time I read this, and that's saying something bc I seriously only understood like 40% of the shadowplay story my first readthru. but the shockwave reveal still had me SHOOK like oh god that was so fucking brutal. jesus

like the fact that the emotionless decpeticon shockwave used to have a completely different look and personality is already crazy enough, but then the tie-ins of empurata and shadowplay? brutal and amazing

like, this is the kinda retrospective backstory stuff that I love. it gives a lot of cool depth to both the characters and the world. I feel like it really helped cement concepts like empurata and shadowplay in the world

and just, AUGH The Reveal still gets me...im pretty sure in my first readhtru I only picked up the fact that the senator PURPOSELY hasn't been named during this issue, and I was kinda ready for some sort of reveal but also figured it could be someone I didn't know bc of my limited tf lore knowledge, but even I knew who shockwave was and phew that blew me away

that full-page art spread is fuckin banging also

anyways, shadowplay arc! I really enjoy this arc and all its genre-hopping goodness, and the framing device of the characters telling a story is a lot of fun. plus we get to see a lot of cool backstory for many characters, and got tons of great worldbuilding for jro’s pre-war cybertron.

I understood a lot more of the story upon my second (and now third) readthru of the series, which was super rewarding bc the first time I wasn't able to follow a lot of stuff (1st readthru I tended to assume that me being confused about something was due to my lack of previous knowledge of lore/story, so I didn't often analyze stuff seriously, or even employ critical thinking skills lmao).

also some gnarly stuff went on w/the red alert b-plot, which we’ll pick up with later....

#lj rereads mtmte

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yaminerua · 4 years ago

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pretty sure at this point it’s my digestive system that’s fucked but what exactly it is that’s messing it up I have no honest to god clue

it’s almost a year I’ve been dealing with this constant pain now, with random intermittent periods where it was less noticeable and allowed me to just do things and even very brief days where it didn’t seem to be there at all and I cannot for the life of me figure out why it was less on those days because it doesn’t SEEM to be specific foods.

I would have the same foods one day and be ok and the same foods another day and have the pain and not want to have to move much.

It’s ok in the mornings it seems. Like I wake up and I’m ok and then I eat and it almost immediately starts up but it’s not the upper stomach? Like it doesn’t feel like it’s reacting to something I’m immediately eating. It’s like.. further along and lower down which was why I thought it was my bladder at first but it doesn’t seem to be. And it doesn’t seem to be the other organs around there either cos those got checked in a scan when they were testing me for a previous pain lmfao

Anyways it’s a pain for the rest of the day until later at night for whatever random reason and then it’ll settle a bit. I have no trouble sleeping since it’s usually ‘gone’ by then.

But that pisses me off because it’s like. I still can’t identify what’s making it happen. Because again. Sometimes it’s not as bad and other times it’s awful even if I eat the exact same thing. Trying to cut things out or identify a specific trigger for it doesn’t seem to work because it just. It just seems completely random.

For whatever reason it has plagued me for almost a whole year from about March or April last year. With only a period of half of October where it randomly let up a bit and let me have semi-functional days and then just decided to come back full swing in November.

I’ve spent a chunk of last year trying to explain things to my doctor to try to figure out what the hell it is. Trying to find patterns, describing the feeling and where and when it happens and trying all the shit they give me. They thought it was IBS because I didn’t have other symptoms that would suggest other things, but none of the medications for IBS worked and even IBS symptoms didn’t seem that relatable either. I can’t even find a description for my exact experience online because it seems so specific.

It’s like.... before this, I spent the whole of 2019 with a pain in my left side that seemed to just. Not want to go away no matter what. And then February last year I was like ‘fuck it maybe I just need fibre’ so I gradually increased fibre and.... side pain vanished. And for almost a month I was feeling finally back to normal. Like aha! I have defeated you, mystery pain

and then bam! A new pain in a new location that was somehow worse than the previous one. And it’s been relentless ever since.

My brain loves to worst-case-scenario everything. But I have to remind myself that when they were investigating the side pain I had some scans and that showed nothing. And besides I have literally no other ‘worrying’ symptoms. Just this dumb pain

It’s significantly been impacting my ability to physically help out in the house and since my granny requires a lot of care and getting up to make sure she’s ok on her feet or needing assistance and stuff, on top of the usual washing up and cooking needs and stuff it’s just really got in the way of things that were manageable enough before.

Which has meant that while I lie down willing my pain to subside enough to let me get up and do things, my dad has had so much pressure on him and I feel awful for not being more readily able to take some of the weight off his shoulders again... Which just makes me worry about him being overworked and my brain reeeeeally likes going down catastrophe thought paths like a choose your own adventure of worst case scenarios until you end up with ‘he’s gonna die, I can’t make money, I don’t know how to function as an independent adult and I’ll lose the house and end up dead in the street’

so that’s fun

It’ll be a whole year of fighting this pain soon... a whole year of getting nowhere with it and having no idea still what to do about it and I’m just.....

praying that it’ll magically vanish on its own like the side pain did.... even tho im almost certain it was my active decision to take more fibre that made that go away. and I’m worried if i drop that then the side pain might return. And sometimes I wonder if changing my diet, even tho I did it gradually, somehow brought about this different pain instead. So it’s like. Do I just have to accept having one mystery pain no matter what?

Anyway.... it’s really slowed me down a lot over the last year and I’m hoping it’ll eventually be resolved. But in the mean time it means that sometimes I take longer to get new content made because sitting to draw is too much sometimes

So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens with this... See if there are any other things I can try.

If this ends up being something like ‘lol you’re just really stressed and it’ll get better when you’re not stressed anymore’ i might as well just give up because

lol

life isn’t stopping the stress flow any time soon

would be nice if my dad’s 10 year long attempt to make some money in his business would finally pay off and help us not feel like we’re one bad day away from losing everything but hey ho the last time I lived without constant scary tension I wasn’t even double digits in age yet so I don’t even know if I’ll know HOW to relax even if things change for the better

anyway sorry for the rant

im just so tired

#nerua rants #lots of negative stuff and complaining about body pains #im so very fed up with my body being a mystery nuisance #it was easier when it was just my stupid joints giving me trouble

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slcters · 4 years ago

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「 avan jogia. cismale. he/him. 」i hope that #lexsquad member「 SLATER MALIH SAVALIA 」adds me to the squad ! the 「 TWENTY THREE 」year old 「 LAW 」 major has been apart of the squad since 「 OCTOBER 2018」and seems to be the 「 DELPHIC 」of the group.「 SLATER」is a「 SENIOR」 and seems to enjoy 「 WRITING & PLAYING MUSIC 」but you can always find them at a squad party , too !

TW: CHEATING, ABANDONMENT, PORN MENTION, DEATH, DRUGS

Anyways lemme give you some info about my man and try to keep it as short ( I lied ) as possible I’ll have some wanted connections at the end so hit me up to plot cause I live for that :)

NAME: SLATER MALIH SAVALIA AGE: 23 MAJOR: PRE- LAW SENIOR @ LEX POSITION: A DADDY HOBBIES: givin 0 Fucks, living life to the full, writing, being an PI on his dad, spiting his family n causing problems as a FUCK U. BORN: LONDON, ENGLAND. SEXUALITY: A truE WILD BISEXUAL :”)

BACKGROUND:

So Slater was born in London, England however when he was younger he moved around a lot with his parents until they settled in LA. Mainly for his dads business and his mum had previously lived there too.

His mum was a travel writer which explains why they traveled a lot, his father runs a few escort agencies + brothels ( nevada only we do it legal here ) and also started up his own pornographic production company / film studio in LA. it would probably now be one of the biggest in the world. ( think vivid entertainment meets brazzers ) u know FILTHY RICH SHIT.

Both his parents were obviously away quite a lot, his dad ran so many businesses and hmm was hands-on lets say but the household was pretty calm when he was fairly young. his mum was super attentive and loving and just such an amazing role model and always wanted to take him with her to show him the world when she had to leave. i think he definitely was a mummas boy.

at about 8/9 however would’ve been when things kind of came crashing down for him. he really caught his dad cheating on his mum w/ one of the porn stars he hired from the studio. His dad would’ve really asked him NOT to tell him mum because it would break their family up. obviously, slater was like terrified of the chance of losing his family so he just pretended nothing ever happened.

he was so conflicted because he was keeping this huge secret and he had so much guilt but he didn’t wanna be the one to ruin things. Like his dad basically used him as a cover like expecting him to lie for him for a long time. it would’ve really eaten away at him. like it would’ve not been a one-time thing, but slater was in denial for sure.

i think one day slater would’ve slipped up in one of his lies for his dad and his mum ended up fighting out what happened and it was such a mess. it would've led to their divorce and god that was.. SOO messy. they defs didnt have a prenup and like the custody.

I think lowkey he was miserable being with his dad, he had so much resentment and sadness there. he would’ve been okay being with his mum the whole time.

His dad was really the type of parent that would use his kids against each his ex wife like they would use slater to pass on messages and being like no u can’t have him for that day etc etc And not taken slater into consideration.

his dad though really tried his absolute best to bring his mum down which was sooo sad to see, like watching her get put through the ringer by his dad and she just became a bit of a shell of who she was, because he obviously had more than enough money to do it and didn’t want her to see a dime of it even tho he.. RLLY BE LIVING THE HIGH LIFE.

slater would’ve just been back and forth between them both up until he was about 15 when his mum, unfortunately, passed away due to drugs. which was SO UNEXPECTED. i think there was definitely a lot more to it, like she definitely was self-medicating to help go through the still pending divorce. which would’ve lasted years.

anyways losing his mum devastated slater because truly she was like a best friend to him, she was. he always enjoyed the weeks at his mums more than his dad and now he knew he’d be stuck there.

he fights a lot with his dad still about everything that happened and what he did, he blames him for it and putting a LITERAL KID in the middle.

anyways though since the separation his dad had like a myriad of “ girlfriends” around who were probably all young enough to be like a step sibling tbh. he never took to any of them until his stepmom. who shockingly he actually really likes. shes one thing keeping his family together atm.

Anyways as you can imagine slaters dads business was huge and his dad is truly raking in the money but slater has always felt uncomfortable spending or even benefiting off it which is why he’s extremely secretive considering he knows where it comes from and he doesn’t exactly support his dad let alone he doesn’t want to have to explain that to people and get them looking into his family.

his father has really tried and put up this front though as if he’s a huge family man now and is conservative and super religious and smh that pissed off slater to the max. he’s like that dont make no fucking sense..

when he high school hit though they were going to country clubs all that shit slater hated basically. he truly didn’t mind acting out just to spite his dad knowing hey your a family man what are you gonna do about it??

this drove his dad so crazy and only meant more rules were put on him, it was about the only attention his dad gave him.

when hey fight though its really wild, you know slater throws it in his dads face basically just some fucking pimp and exploits people and he’s never gonna do that and he’d rather have nothing than follow in his footsteps

i think his dad has been fined multiple times for some shady shit going on in his businesses. plus its been common knowledge in the depths of the industry they heavily provide them w/ alcohol drugs etc. probably has had an issue with the treatment of the people hes hired. lawsuits. there's more under the surface that even slater doesnt know.

there would’ve been a bit of a scandal where his dad employed one of his dumbass country club friends daughters aka someone even slater knew to star in one of his adult films

but regardless like he knew he really was fortunate he lived an extremely privileged life, like he would be set for life, could sit do nothing and its good. he just never had a huge interest in it unlike his father who really always said that he would take over everything someday and it would turn into a huge family business. and he was like yikes someone come tell him.. no thanks.

His dad and him definitely had a rocky relationship after his moms death, he didn’t parent very much and just left his stepmom in so many uncomfortable situations but honestly

He saw her more as a friend though then a mum but she was the best parental figure he’s ever even had. She’d genuinely try so hard to make sure his dad was acting like one like telling him he’s going to his sons gigs or else even though slater knew his dad would come for 2 seconds to appease his wife then leave.

But growing up he’s always been super careful of who’s around him and who he lets into his life probably as a result of how secretive his family has always instilled in him to be.

Like his dad keeps saying we’re family we come first, and he never wanted slater to be sharing that with people about what they did.

But he has such a resentment to his dad, like he thinks he’s a mess he has a wife he doesn’t give a fuck about a son he doesn’t see, he does god knows what he just is so convinced he can’t turn out like him ever.

I think people genuinely think he must not come from money because the amount of people who have ever met his parents or seen his house is a handful if that.

Like he’s always hanging out at other people’s places and just he’s never been really extravagant unless its to purposely spite his dad yikes. that comes from anger.

Like he really got himself a job even though his dad said he could come work for him just cause he was like yeah I don’t want to run ur dumb company and make money off it u pos?

His dad has definitely been investigated a few times for shady practices. slater definitely started looking into law for that reason, like he genuinely thought he wants to actually be able to put guys who screw the system and own huge corporations and think they can pay outta anything in jail.

meanwhile his dad thought great a lawyer who can defend our family business smh so he supports him He has no clue slater would rather take him down.

hes on the dl investigating his dad himself. who wanna help.

PERSONALITY

losing his mom AND one his best friends showed him that he needs to really do everything he wants to and in that moment which does make him selfish at times

i think he has abandonment issues, i think like when his best friend who was kinda the reason he came to lex, happened to pass away also triggered that again ( TBD WHY im leaving this open for plots ) and that really shook him all over.

he really almost feels cursed at this stage.

he was pretty sheltered tbh because his dad wasn’t trusting AT ALL and at first was homeschooled until High school so he didn’t exactly grow up outgoing or being able to have many people at his place or tell them about his life.

i think theres not many people who know he’s related to his dad business, even tho his dad business iS HUGE and legit is his last name. and hes like yeah ha coincidence right??? not my dad at all.

He’s super fucking blunt though like he may be secretive with his personal life but his ass does not hold back which has gotten him into way too many problems.

He just feels like he grew up lying about so much, his dad was like we don't want people taking advantage of you if they find out who you are and use things against me.

he hated that and all the secrets about his dad he kept so don’t expect him to hold back on feelings or thoughts back at all

LOVES to spite and piss his dad off even if that means 30+ students at his dads place during a business meeting lets do it.

He acts a lot without thinking like he sucks at planning anything and a lot of time he seems a little flighty and that he doesn’t take things serious enough esp his relationships

.He’d really go above and beyond though for anyone who’s proven to him that they can be trusted like he’s been known to be all in he either gives it everything or nothing so he goes extravagant

will try everything once.

wild child tm.

his ass was kinda like living it up. he’s like on the brink of i dont want to just use my dads money but he’s like if i am though i wanna use it to actually do something decent, like get a law degree and be something, travel like his mum did. hes obsessed with the thought of like following in her footsteps BUT HE. NEVER ADMITS IT.

feelings who are u?

He’s definitely a realist and a little bit cynical too, like he’s seen way too much shit to really have some ideal look on life.

He doesn’t believe in some fairytale or things just happen for a reason or really in fate or anything like that.

Like he doesn’t think love fixes everything and someone can be your happiness at all . hes like clearly its only problems so.

He’s only ever really had one serious relationship and a bunch of other casual things but that was just nothing to him

He’s not closed off to them but he picks and chooses what he gives, but he’s just doubtful how someone’s gonna mix well into his life

He definitely seems aloof and a bit cold but I mean after a drink and 5 minutes he’ll be picking your brain on just about anything

loves writing in general, usually lyrics and music though.

secretly Loves a good midnight dnm overlooking the water with a trusted friend

Awesome at getting himself out of situations he can be pretty convincing lbr

lowkey has abandonment issues.

connections: donnt say im trash i know.

extra drama - his STEP sibling. aka child of his step mom.

his best friends sibling, aka the one who passed away :”(

someone whose mum dated his dad WILD.

A TABOO FLING OR CRUSH, basically he got with someone he shouldn’t of, we can decide reasons HOWEVER I’D LOVE if the other chara was the ex of his friend who passed away. HED FEEL LIKE SHIT for having feelings. the angst. and the we cant do this its wrong.

I mean... someone who actually WORKS FOR HIS DAD. i would die, could be an escort, a sex worker, someone who is signed to his dads production company, can be a pornstar or more like a cam star too.

someone who is a huge tease and rlly makes his ass beg to be with them. make him work for it honey.

ooo a really GOOOOD friend and they’ve always been “ platonic” but theres this weird sexual tension and they both know it, but like ooo it could risk the frienndship n makee it weird and like ugh.

like someone whose parents hates them hanging around w/ slater bc of his family, maybe bc they ran in the same circles from back home but they just.. cant stay away from each other.

someone hes kinda dated but they realised we’d be better off as friends even tho weve seenn each other naked, it was fun.

One of the people from back home that found out all about his entire family when the scandal was exposed. They could’ve been friends or enemies.

AN ex!! pls he defs has broken some hearts or THE ONE WHO BROKE HIS :) IF U DO THIS U WILL GET SO MUCH LOVE

An enemy Maybe someone against his family or someone he just can’t stand!

THE damn girl his fucking dad tried to employ to be in his damn movie! My ass would do wild shit for this one wild WILD SHIT.

unrequited love, someone's heart he broke without even realising it

A confidant someone he can really confide in tell-all his dumbass shit too, like his protective ass would really care for this person

Someone who’s into music as much as him pLS!! like someone who can just jam with him late nights

He needs that dnm kinda friend 😂

A fwb that’s self explanatory:)

RIDE OR DIES etc

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.

ANYTHING IM SOOO OPEN FOR PLOTTING

#lex.intro

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gilgaemsh-a · 5 years ago

Photo

IM FINALLY ABLE TO MAKE MY BNHA OCS AHHHH!!!!! part one at least lmao i’m gunna make a part 2 reallllllllly soon

the style of this picrew is similar to bnha style so it’s better for me to think up my ocs (at least the girls) this way!! (i’m very picky orz)

also i’m always up for rping if anyone is interested!!!!! dm me dude!!!!!!!!!!!!

also also! quirks aren’t like final versions?? im still tryna figure out how to make quirks more... quirk-like lol.

intros under the cut!!

@bnhappreciation @bnha-oc-collection

ankou fuwara (#1 & #2)

the ever blooming hero: chloris

ankou is my most loved oc and the by far the hardest to make for some reason. her and her quirk went through so many changes its insane but i finally settled on something perfect.

she’s currently an active hero having just graduated from u.a. she’s extremely popular and currently number 12 on the hero billboard (shes 19 btw)

ankou quirk is overgrowth aka chlorokinesis - the manipulation of plant life and pheromone generation. (she can do a lot with her quirk so shes my second most op character)

her range is pretty much the same as pixie bob’s earth flow.

ankou was actually a child star, a very popular actress/model. she quit when she graduated to focus on her hero career which is one of the reasons why she’s so popular.

when ankou was in school to was the top u.a. student along with two others (they’re boys so i wasnt able to make them but one day i will)

ankou quirk is actually a combo of her parents her mother has minimal manipulation over plants and her father could manipulate his pheromones

ankou is the older sister type. she’s super kind and caring and protective of people close to her.

she unofficially adopts izuku when she meets him

she also (surprisingly) has a good relationship with bakugou. she treats him like a younger brother and teases him a lot.

ankou is also the type to be really scary when angry

ankou had a really hard time making friends growing up because she couldn’t control her pheromones properly

alot of the times her classmates or even random people would fall in love with her just by her scent or other times end up being despised by it

both of ankou’s parents actually come from hero families. they grew up together since their families knew each other & they were both the youngest. neither of them wanted to be heroes.

ankou’s mother (ririka) is a pharmacist for one of the top hospitals in japan while her father (aizen) is an a-list actor.

side note! ankou’s father aizen took ririka’s last name.

i hardcore ship ankou and tomura. it literally started by me just thinking “oh hey lmao ankou has a life quirk and tomura has a death quirk! wait-”

so now their my otp.

oh btw the first pic is how ankou looks currently, the other is her older.

kurena kan (#3)

the healing heroine: nightingale

my child. my baby. she’s never done a single thing wrong in her entire life.

kurena is a mixed baby, half japanese & half american

she grew up with her father sekijiro kan in japan, her mother, charity brown is currently deceased.

her quirk is miracle blood - the ability to heal others and herself using her own blood. she can manipulate her blood as well. kurena has high regenerative properties as well! as long as her blood is flowing she can heal herself extremely fast.

as you know vlad king (her father) is able to manipulate blood but kurena’s mother was able to heal people with her quirk (empathic healing) which resulted in kurena’s quirk.

kurena is currently a first year at u.a. in izuku’s class.

she’s the tomboy type, tends to get into a lot of fights though she’s actually really mellow and cool.

she’s also the type that if she were to dress as a boy, she’d make a really hot one. (though as a girl she’s super hot too)

she’s recovery girl’s apprentice and helps out alot in the infirmary of the school

deku spends a lot less time there since kurena can heal him lol

i ship kurena with todoroki and bakugou. my beloved ot3

all three of them are p competitive with each other (don’t worry it’s all healthy competition)

kurena’s mother came to japan to further to abilities and apprentice under recovery girl which is how her and sekijiro met

she died helping recovery girl heal all might as a backlash of her quirk

kurena’s mother is full blown italian! and partially named kurena because it sounds like carina which means beloved

in japanese kurena the kanji for her name is crimson

oh!! aizawa is kurena’s godfather on her mother’s side! the two are very close

charity and aizawa were best friends before she died

miwa midoriya* (#4)

all in one heroine: alter ego

oof my most op oc you can fight me im not changing her.

miwa is actually the daughter of two high profile villains

she’s actually an “experiment”, the two villains had been working on a way to merge their quirks in the perfect way to make a strong villain - miwa was their current project until she escaped them

miwa doesn’t know how many others came before her or what happened to them when she asked she was told her ‘siblings’ were disposed of.

miwa’s quirk is gunna be the hardest to explain lol the short version is: miwa’s body can mimic and control different elements.

like... full on mimics elements. yknow like and elemental spirit? how it’s just a being made of fire or water or air etc etc? that’s miwa.

i’m actually on the fence about making the elements miwa shifts into to be alters (like she suffers from dissociative personality disorder.) so basically every time she shifts into a different element that element has its own personality? tho maybe it doesn’t even need to be DID it could just be the way her quirk works? SOMEONE GIVE ME INPUT PLS

her mother is a shapeshifter while her father could control elements

miwa was rescued by izuku’s father and then later adopted by him when it was quickly realized she didn’t want anyone else

she grew up with izuku and bakugou. her a bakugou are actually quite close since she’s the first person to beat him in stuff. he likes how strong she is.

miwa is also a pacifist! she had no interest in being a hero (it sounded like more trouble then it was worth) but when bakugou and izuku applied for u.a. she didn’t want to be left alone so she applied.

miwa is a soft bean. she hates violence but is willing to ATTACK when her loved ones are in danger

she’s also in the constant fear that her parents are watching her every move. she feels as if her parents gave her up to easy or staged the hero rescue for a reason. she’s constantly paranoid lol

miwa is classified as “looks like a cinnamon roll; can kill you”

nagi the tempest (#5)

real name: aoka arashi

currently my only villain but don’t worry i plan on making more!

nagi is the only daughter of as prostigious hero family.

the arashi family was known for its variety of powerful weather related quirks and continued to plan marriages based on quirks

the arashi family was also very abusive in its training and pushed nagi through limits she still has nightmares about; the training was due to how volatile nagi’s quirk is. which she was often blamed for

one day nagi snapped and destroyed the arashi family home along with everyone inside she was on the run for awhile before dabi found her

at that point i guess he was already apart of the league of villains? i’m not sure when dabi joined tho so this is just me guessing

nagi’s quirk is storm - nagi is able to create storms and manipulate them! it’s an extremely violate quirk that almost got her killed when she first manifested it. it’s the reason her training was so grueling. nagi needs moisture in order for her quirk to work

and while thunderstorms are something she can make she can’t actually control the lightning; not because it’s not apart of her quirk but because lighting is tricky to control in itself

she wields a katana that acts as a conduit for the lightning

when nagi does try to control the lightning more often than not it backlashes onto herself creating wounds/scars on her body in the shape of lightning bolts

dabi thinks they’re really pretty

nagi is the silent type. she very rarely talks and no one in the league of villains has ever heard the sound of her voice

dabi brags about being the only person nagi talks too

the name nagi was given to her by dabi it means the calm before the storm

though dabi gave her the nickname he often calls her aoka when they’re alone

despite her blonde hair and blue eyes nagi is 100% japanese!

her and dabi are hardly ever seen apart and if you haven’t guessed it i ship them lol

hinata enma (#6)

the beguiling heroine: enchanter

my trans baby girl!!!!!!!!

a 5th generation geisha currently a maiko of course

her quirk is heartbreaker - a succubus quirk! besides her supernatural beauty and over all supernatural condition (strength, speed all that good stuff) hinata’s real quirk is her voice; her voice has the power to control others and even alter reality.

you know allison hargreeves from the umbrella academy? that’s hinata

i’m still not sure how i want hinata to be able to trigger that power like how allison as to say “i heard a rumor” to use her power?? idk what i want hina to say

a hinoenma is a japanese yokai extremely similar to succubi which is where i got hina’s name

as i mentioned, hina is a geisha! not a prostitue

growing up hina was taught art, dancing and singing she excels at all three uwu

hina’s mother, yuuhi, is close friends with masaru bakugou. masaru usually goes to her for help with traditional japanese fashion

because of this bakugou and hina grew up together

the two are best friends even though they go to separate schools katsuki is the only one hina doesn’t use her power on

katsuki is also the one to encourage hina to become a hero though the two don’t go to u.a together instead hina attends shiketsu high

the two of them video call each other daily

hina is very mischievous!! she likes playing harmless pranks and teasing others

when she was in elementary and middle school she was often picked on for her quirk being a ‘villain’ quirk

she’s never used her quirk in malicious ways

the most malicious way she’d use is to help play a prank

she trains with bakugou when she can

#bnha #bnha oc #mha #mha oc #boku no hero oc #boku no hero academia #my hero academy oc #my hero academia #my hero academia oc #mine #my ocs #ocs

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theothersideofhim · 5 years ago

Text

Stan Figures It Out: Part 1 (or, Asmodeus’ Super Fun Beehive Poking Text Log) (or, Nobody)

((So a few days ago me and Sarah went through a lot of really cool character development, but it was all over discord. I’d really like to have a record of it over here and let ya’ll read cuz it was GR8.

Broke up it up into two parts since it’s so much, and this is part one. Basically Ash ( @ashenheartx ) decided to bother Stan about stealing his idea of making Merlin into a Hell puppet for a hot second, his previous relationship with God, and basically have a big old gay crush on Lucifer. Stan hates all these things and overreacts in true Stan theatrics fashion.

Warnings: NSFW descriptions and general lewd emojis. Ash being Ash. No other triggers far as I know.

Next part to come soon, probably tomorrow.))

Ash:

[txt] ps fuck you for stealing my idea and then failing it btw this is overdue

Stan:

[txt] OH CONGRATULATIONS

[txt] ITS BEEN HOW FUCKING LONG? AND YOU JUST GET THE BALLS TO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

[txt] WELL WELL WELL AT LEAST I KNOW YOU CAN DO MORE THAN FUCK

Ash:

[txt] well your butt was already spanked figured itd take this long for it to heal

Stan:

[txt] HARDY HAR HAR. YOURE REAL FUNNY YOU KNOW THAT? I SHOULD GIVE YOU A PROMOTION TO HEAD FUNNYMAN

[txt] GUESS WHAT THE CURRENT FUNNYMAN IS DOING?

Ash:

[txt] ruling hell for you

Stan:

[txt] WHA

[txt] NO

[txt]

[txt] I PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE WRITING TEAM FOR RICK AND MORTY

[txt] SO KEEP THAT IN FUCKING MIND

Ash:

[txt] you lied so hard and fast

[txt] you STUTTERED IN TEXT

Stan:

[txt] WELL I FIGURED THATS HOW YOU LIKED IT

Ash:

[txt] STUTTERED?

Stan:

[txt] I MEANT HARD AND FAST BUT FROM YOUR TRACK RECORD YOU DO SEEM TO LIKE SHRINKING VIOLETS SO

[txt] SHRINKING SHRIEKING NUNS

Ash:

[txt] that was ONE nun

[txt] well alright it was mORE than oNE nun but she was special circumstance

Stan:

[txt] MMMMHMMMMM. AND BY THE WAY THAT WAS TIME WELL SPENT GOOD JOB. THAT DIDNT TURN INTO AN INCREDIBLE FAILURE

[txt] WHILE WE'RE ON THE FUCKING TOPIC

Ash:

[txt] he is only a failure FOR NOW

[txt] he's still not a defective one like many others

[txt] and has actual power

Stan:

[txt] Yeah he does I'll give him that

[txt] Can you really blame me for trying to step in and speed things up?

Ash:

[txt] yes

Stan:

[txt] Nope not allowed

Ash:

[txt] it is allowed because now it will take TWICE AS LONG

[txt] because now he has sex and it's not as much of a pressure point

Stan:

[txt] im sorry im

[txt] IM FUCKING

[txt] gagGING BE RIGHT BACK

Ash:

[txt] ?????????? stop thinking about my son's dick

Stan:

[txt] YOU MENTIONED YOUR SONS DICK and please DON'T act like you DON'T think about it

Ash:

[txt] it's kind of my entire schtick to think about hidden treasure

Stan:

[txt] Isn't the real hidden treasure the dicks we sucked along the way though

Ash:

[txt] see now ive gone from mad to camaraderie and i dont appreciate that

[txt] some how i doubt you have sucked any dicks tho

Stan:

[txt] OH NO IM THE DEVIL OOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[txt] IVE SUCKED ONE DICK DONT @ ME

Ash:

[txt] 🤔

[txt] proof

Stan:

[txt] UH IM SORRY

[txt] THEY DIDNT REALLY HAVE KIK OR SNAPCHAT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE

Ash:

[txt] bitch you gave god a bj why isn't this FRONT PAGE news

Stan:

[txt] THERES SOME HIDDEN TREASURE FOR YOU NOW FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] GURL WE AIN'T DONE WHO ELSE YOU BLOWIN

Stan:

[txt] RIGHT NOW IM PRETTY SURE EVEN ENTERTAINING THIS CONVERSATION IS CONSIDERED SUCKING YOUR DICK SO YOU??????????

Ash:

[txt] pretty sure my poor dick is flacid and not in your mouth but okay

Stan:

[txt] THE LAST THING YOU WANT IN MY MOUTH IS YOUR DICK

[txt] I'LL SUCK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD

[txt] ILL VORE YOU FUCKING TRY ME

Ash:

[txt] honey

[txt] darling

[txt] you've done worse to me please

[txt] oop kink shamed the devil

Stan:

[txt] If there's anything that can be said for me

[txt] It's that I don't have that as a kink

Ash:

[txt] shocking honestly

[txt] what with that mouth tum

[txt] but really not even luci? slacking

Stan:

[txt] YOUSHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT LUCIFERS ENTIRE DICK

Ash:

[txt] why the FUCK would i do that? it's a good dick

[txt] ESP WHEN IT'S CUTE AND SMALL

Stan:

[txt] LISTEN YOU OVER GLORIFIED FUCK BUDDY

[txt MAYBE I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE """""HIDDEN TREASURE""""""

Ash:

[txt] my cute butt because that's not hidden at all and you can ask luci

Stan:

[txt] Is it motherfucker????????????? Is it???? You're telling me you let Lucifer fuck you in the pussy????????????????????????? Because I'm calling bullshit on that. I'm calling bullshit that you ever allow anyone to get that fucking close to you anymore.

Ash:

[txt] well all of that is true, but he is aware of it i am sure. we didn't spontaneously know each other when we dropped out of the sky

[txt] besides you probably dont share treasure like that because then how do you get to roll around in it when you want to to feel special. you dont. that's like telling people where the candy stash is

Stan:

[txt] YOU REALLY HIDING THE CANDY FOR LIKE 6000 YEARS CHIEF?????[txt] AT THE VERY LEAST I SHOULD GET A TASTE

Ash:

[txt] oh wait did i let the cat out of the bag for you because wow??????????????????

[txt] didn't you already know i had a pussy like come on man you've probably found it already

[txt] it's pretty hard to remember some of that time when we first got down here though

Stan:

[txt] oh no bitch

[txt] i definitely knew

[txt] a shame you don't reMEMBER the fun we had

[txt] but it's been a WHILE AND A HALF

Ash:

[txt] must not have been all that good?????????????

[txt] dick wasn't bomb apparently

[txt] besides you alwyas had a thing for luci

Stan:

[txt] I'LL PUT A BOMB IN YOUR ACTUAL ASS I DID NOT ALWAYS HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND STOP CALLING HIM LUCI

Ash:

[txt] you had a THING for luci the first day we hit Hell don't even pretend you didn't

[txt] luci luci luci

[txt] how else am i supposed to say his name when he poppin that puss

Stan:

[txt] IM GONNA F CU KING PISSS

[txt] FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] 💄💯✨

[txt] and lemme remind you; it pOPS 💦

[txt] if you aren't saying 'luci' when you come im not sure what you're doing with your life

[txt] but it's the wrong thing, darling

[txt] i'll pray for you and your weird little obsessive love affair

Stan:

[If Ash is anywhere near the ninth level of Hell at that moment he might hear Stan literally screeching like a raccoon being rammed with a tennis racket. But then shortly after he wouldn't hear anything except for the illusion of Mitski's "Nobody" chorus playing on loop. It was sad and melancholy and repetitive and perfectly summed up the insult Stan WANTED to say about Ash's fucking life, but wasn't able to get past the screaming. Who the fuck cared about Ash's little opinion? Nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody....]

Ash:

[Look, Ash is a CACKLIN' instead of being offended because if Stan had meant to camouflage his feelings he had instead loudly broadcasted them. So, as a final goad, he gently hit send one final time.

[vid] it's grainy like ten years ago small cellphone quality with sound, but it sure is Lucifer getting railed from chest to between thighs. it's less than thirty seconds and includes orgasms that end with dick withdrawing with an aforementioned pop and leak of white fluid

[txt] ❤️ 🎵 ttyl ]

Stan:

[Stan was having a HARD TIME OKAY????? He sure as fuck didn't need to be called out by Ash, and he sure as fuck couldn't keep up the illusion as soon as the video came through. That song snapped right out of Ash's reality with the same kind of swiftness as Stan's surprisingly potent jealousy boiling up within him. The phone got thrown on the ground, stomped on, punched a few times, then kicked across the motel room.

THEN Stan got out a bat and beat the phone within an inch of it's digital life, manifested a hydraulic press and squished the phone with 12 tons of pressure per square inch, before finally mANIFESTING A GERMAN LEOPARD 2A6 TANK AND ROLLING IT THROUGH THE MOTEL LOBBY TO FINALLY DESTORY THE PHONE.

(And then blast it with the tank's fully traversing rotating gun turret but by then he'd realized he'd never get that image out of his head no matter how much damage he did the phone.)]

#ashenheartx #burningfeathersx #discord shenanigans #long post #tried to make this easy to read as possible but if you have any trouble let me know #TLDR: WHY YOU MAD??? CUZ LUCI'S PUSSY POPS SEVERELY AND YOURS DON'T?????))#ooc

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today-we-will-survive · 6 years ago

Text

07. Save Me

A story based on the fictional HYYH world about six boys with unimaginable problems and their friend that can’t do anything to help.

Member: Jungkook

Genre: Angst

Warning: warnings are in the masterlist

Word Count: 6.5K

Parts can be found on my Masterlist under “The Most Beautiful Moment In Life”

A/N: New parts every Tuesday and Friday

You can only pick up the pieces and paste them back together so many times before they no longer fit.

April.

One evening when Jungkook was ten, he and his parents were driving home from the grocery store. This was a weekly occurrence with them. One he always looked forward to because he and his dad would race each other down the aisles. This particular night, it was raining really hard. So hard that the wipers were working at a rapid pace to try and keep the windshield clear and the street visible. The sound, though a bit jarring, was repetitive enough to turn into a sort of rhythm. One that had Jungkook’s eyelids growing heavy until he slumped against the door, face pressed against his palm, and he drifted to sleep.

When he opened his eyes again, it wasn’t to the sound of rain on the metal car roof or the double time beat of the windshield wipers. It was to the beeps of monitors and quiet conversations between strangers. It was too bright. Too white. Too sterile. It took him several seconds to realize he was lying in a bed in a hospital room. And his parents weren’t in there with him.

The night they were all coming home from grocery shopping, a semi truck had run a red light and smashed into them. His dad had been killed instantly and his mom only lived for another week before dying in the hospital of complications. The crash had put Jungkook in a coma and by the time he came out of it, he didn’t have parents. He’d fallen asleep on the way home from the store and woken up in the hospital two weeks later, completely alone in the world.

For several months after the wreck, he’d withdrawn into himself, and while he barely ever spoke a word to anyone during that time, the voice in his mind screamed at the heavens, demanding to know why he had lived. Why his family had been taken. Why he couldn’t have gone with them. He’d heard a nurse say back in the hospital that the only reason he survived was because, since he’d been asleep, his body was limp, therefore absorbed most of the impact, unlike his parents who, as anyone else anticipating a collision would, tensed up. It’s why drunk drivers so often walk away from a crash when their victim doesn’t. If he would have been awake, maybe he’d be wherever his parents were too. Maybe they could be together.

He’d been in the foster system ever since then. Being moved from fake family to fake family, temporary house to temporary house so quickly sometimes he didn’t even get the chance to memorize his address. No one wanted a preteen. Once you were past the impressionable age, you were treated more as a guest in the house rather than part of the family. No one willingly took in older kids and teenagers because they wanted to. It was always for the money. At least, that was how Jungkook saw it.

He’d learned that out of all of the kids he ever lived with, he was the expendable one. The one that didn’t need attention. Didn’t need love because he could take care of himself. Over time, he’d learned to survive. To see his fake family as a provider of the bare necessities and nothing else. He’d learned to never grow attached. To never let anyone in. To never even unpack his things because any day now, his case worker was going to knock on the door and tell him it was time to move on.

It’s hard not to latch onto the bitterness and let it fester inside you. Especially when there’s such a lack of love in your life. Jungkook shut down, made a bubble around himself of anger and hatred. He’d get into it with his fake siblings, with his fake parents. With anyone that looked at him wrong. He got into sports and started working out as a way to avoid home and clear his mind. He got bigger, more intimidating. People started leaving him alone.

Then in seventh grade, he saw a small boy get cornered by a group of guys much bigger than him. He didn’t even hesitate before getting right in the middle of it, blocking the boy with his body and staring them down until they backed off. That was the day he met Jimin. The day he figured out that his strength could in fact be put to good use. Jimin introduced him to Tae and it didn’t take long for the two to break down his walls. To show him that there were in fact people in this world that cared about him. That he could care about too.

When he met the rest of the guys, he found himself feeling angry less often. Smiling more. Laughing even. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so much. They were his escape from the real world. The ones that kept him going. That kept him sane. He wanted to protect them with everything he had. Protect Jimin from the darkness that enshrouded him at school.

“Out!”

“Fine!”

Jungkook slammed the front door to his house behind him and slung his backpack over his shoulder. His ears burned under the hood of his sweatshirt and hot tears glazed his eyes, threatening to spill over the moment he blinked. It seemed like more and more this was the way he’d leave. With a shouting match between he and his fake dad and then a slam of the door.

Jimin’s mom’s car idled on the curb, Jimin sitting in the passenger seat, his eyes following Jungkook as he trudged toward them.

“Morning, Jungkook,” Jimin’s mom said when Jungkook slid into the backseat.

“Morning,” he uttered and sniffed hard to keep the tears from spilling over. When his eyes were finally dry, he looked up, catching Jimin staring in the rear view mirror. The older boy’s forehead was creased, the corners of his eyes dipped low with concern. Jungkook turned his head, tearing his gaze from his friend’s and watched the houses rush by through the window. Then he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he pulled it out.

Jimin: fake dad?

Jungkook glanced up again to see that Jimin’s eyes were still trained on him through the mirror. With a sigh, he looked back down at his screen, his fingers typing out an answer.

JK: yea. im fine tho.

Jimin: ok

It was obvious Jimin didn’t believe him but Jungkook was an impenetrable fortress that chose when to let people in and when to keep them locked out. He didn’t like talking about his home life, especially to Jimin. The boy had enough to worry about with school and Jiho and therapy. The last thing he needed was to be triggered by Jungkook and his miserable situation. Jimin had always been an empathetic soul, though. And maybe that was why Jungkook had been drawn to him from the start. Jungkook was comfortable around him. He felt understood even though Jimin knew very little. The only other person in the group he’d opened up to was Yoongi.

Yoongi.

The older boy had been like a big brother to him. Like a father. A protector. A home. His words still resonated in Jungkook’s head, bouncing around in his skull like a ricocheting bullet. I don’t want you anymore. He never thought he’d hear that from Yoongi. His fake dad had drilled it into him that he wasn’t actually wanted. That they only took in a fourteen year old with a temper because they knew he’d be easier to manage than their younger wards. And money was money. As long as they kept him fed and clothed, they would receive a check every month. He expected that from them. But not Yoongi. Never Yoongi.

He hadn’t believed he’d heard his hyung right at first. That, for some reason, his ears had interpreted what the boy had said incorrectly. That maybe his mind had been playing tricks on him. But then the words hit him like a sledgehammer to the chest, bruising his ribcage and crushing his lungs. They’d left him breathless.

You don’t want me anymore? He’d had to be sure. Yoongi couldn’t have said it. Couldn’t have meant to say something that he knew would cause so much damage to the younger boy. That would leave him feeling so broken. So worthless. You heard me. And he had. And he heard him for weeks after that. Those words. Those words that pierced him to the core. That extinguished his spirit and left him groping around in darkness.

I don’t want you anymore.

Leaving Yoongi’s house that night, he’d wandered the streets for a while, his anger and hurt slowly fading to numbness. And now he only ever felt one of the two. When he was angry he wanted to punch something or someone and when he was numb, he wanted to feel pain. Just needed to feel something.

He lashed out even more at his foster parents. At the other kids in the house. At his teachers and students at school. He got in a lot of fights. Provoked classmates and rough looking strangers on the streets. He was lucky no one ever pulled a knife or a gun on him. Though maybe he secretly hoped someone would.

“Why don’t you stay at my house tonight?” Jimin asked once they’d gotten to school and his mom’s car had pulled away from the curb. “Friday night’s pizza night.”

“You know I can’t turn down pizza night,” Jungkook replied, the corner of his mouth twitching up into a small smirk. Just the prospect of not having to go back to his fake family after school was enough to lighten his mood a bit. Just a bit, though. Yoongi’s words still dragged him down into the icy depths of a dark ocean, but the thought of staying at Jimin’s house at least gave him a chance to break the surface and take in a breath before being pulled back down again.

School had never really been a problem for Jungkook. He’d always stayed pretty much in the middle academically. Never getting straight A’s but never getting below a C. It kept his fake parents and the teachers off his back which was all that mattered to him. Though now with Taehyung no longer at school as he awaited his trial, Jungkook was having to rush from his classes that he didn’t share with Jimin to meet the boy, sometimes forgetting to turn in his homework or stopping by his locker to grab his books for his next class. He was starting to fall a bit behind and his grades were reflecting it.

Jiho had left them pretty much alone for a while now. Sure, Jungkook saw him in the halls and sometimes would catch him just looking at Jimin but it seemed like making Jimin miserable was no longer on his agenda. Maybe he’d finally gotten bored of tormenting him. Though Jungkook wasn’t stupid enough to let his guard down, even for a second.

“I’m sorry I forgot Tae’s homework,” Jimin said as he walked quickly down the hall toward his locker. He’d been bringing work to Taehyung so the boy would still be able to graduate on time. “I don’t know why I didn’t grab it before class. I guess I was just in such a rush. It was stupid.”

“It’s fine, Jiminie,” Jungkook said. He almost had to jog to keep up. The boy was so much smaller than him, how was he covering so much ground so quickly?

“I’ve just been stressed out ever since Tae got arrested and all that crap and now you’re having to work twice as hard and I just—” he stopped in front of his locker, hand hovering over the combination dial. He squeezed his eyes shut with a sigh then looked up at Jungkook. “I’m sorry I’m so weak, Jungkook-ah.”

Jungkook sucked in a breath, words of assurance at the back of his throat when he heard a locker slam a bit further down the hall. He and Jimin turned to find Jiho, by himself, coming toward them. Where were his friends?

“So the rumors are true, then,” Jiho said, his dark eyes sparkling as he leaned against the locker next to Jungkook. “Your other guard dog got sent to the pound.”

Jungkook was in Jiho’s face in a second, teeth bared. “Don’t talk about Tae like that,” he growled.

The bully’s eyes widened in fear for just a second before narrowing to slits, a devilish grin pulling his mouth upward. “Or what?” he asked quietly. “You can’t touch me. Not here anyway.”

“Wanna bet?” Jungkook asked, stepping forward again, forcing Jiho to back up against the locker.

Jiho let out a dark chuckle. “You want to hit me so bad right now, don’t you, Pitt-bull?”

He had no idea.

Jungkook could feel the muscle in his arm tightening and contracting with each clench of his fist. He wanted so badly to slam his knuckles against Jiho’s skull. Make him think twice before ever even looking Jimin’s way again. He was so sick of seeing the fear, the exhaustion, the misery in Jimin’s eyes every day when he’d come to school. Even though graduation was less than two months away, it still wasn’t close enough. Jungkook didn’t know if Jimin was going to make it. He already looked skinnier than he had even just a month ago. Much longer and he’d wither away to nothing. Disappear completely. All because of this worthless piece of trash grinning up at Jungkook. He’d been feeling so cold, so empty since Yoongi had abandoned him. But now fire built in his gut. Flames licked up his chest. Burned his throat and set his eyes ablaze. If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was protect his friends. And this worm was still threatening one of them.

He’d had enough.

“Come on, Jungkook,” Jiho uttered so only he could hear. “There aren’t any teachers around. Hit me.”

Jungkook felt a cold hand on his arm, fingers curling around his bicep. “Jungkook-ah.” Jimin’s small voice was barely audible over the sound of Jungkook’s heart crashing in his ears. “Come on. He’s not worth it.”

Jungkook turned his head to look at his friend. At his tired face. At his pallid skin. His hollowed cheeks. The boy looked like he hadn’t felt happiness in years, yet somehow he still managed to greet him every morning with a smile. How was this boy still alive?

“You’re right, Jimin,” Jungkook said and glanced back at Jiho. “He’s not worth it.” Then he turned to meet his friend’s eyes again. “But you are.”

Before Jimin could stop him, Jungkook reared back and threw his fist forward. It connected with a sickening crack against Jiho’s cheekbone, sending the boy crashing to the ground on his hands and knees. A thick stream of bloody saliva dripped from his mouth and he spit onto the linoleum floor before looking back up to meet Jungkook’s eyes. His face split in a wide, red stained grin.

“Jungkook, what did you do?” Jimin whispered from behind him.

When he turned to look at him, Jungkook’s eyes caught on someone over his shoulder. Principal Song approached with two of Jiho’s friends trailing behind him.

He’d been set up. Of course Jiho and his friends had planned this. Anything to get Jimin’s second guard dog in trouble and out of the picture.

“What on earth is going on here?” Principal Song asked, his face red with anger.

Jiho’s friends rushed forward to help the injured boy up and he stumbled a bit, playing up that he was really hurt. And he probably was. Jungkook had hit him pretty hard.

“He just hit me, Principal Song-nim,” Jiho said weakly. “Just straight up punched me in the face.”

“Don’t even pretend you didn’t provoke him, Jiho,” Jimin snapped from behind Jungkook then looked at the principal. “He was just defending me.”

“Jungkook,” Principal Song barked.

Jungkook hadn’t said a word or moved a muscle since first seeing the man coming toward him. The fire in his gut raged on, leaving his shoulders heaving and his heart pounding. His eyes drilled into the man as his fists clenched tighter. He could feel where the skin on one of his knuckles had split when it came in contact with Jiho’s face.

Jiho. He wanted to make the boy suffer as much as he’d made Jimin suffer since middle school. He wanted to make him wish he’d never said a word to Jimin. Never laid hands on him. Jungkook wanted to kill him.

“Did you hit this student?” the principal asked gesturing toward the cowering Jiho.

Finally, Jungkook pulled in a steady breath to speak. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because he told me to.”

Principal Song opened his mouth but nothing came out. He obviously hadn’t expected to hear that answer and now he flapped his mouth a few more times like a fish, his eyes darting back and forth between the injured boy and the one that had injured him. At last, he gathered his thoughts. “We have a strict no violence policy here. You were all made well aware of that at the beginning of the year. Did you forget?”

Jungkook clenched his jaw. “No,” he said through gritted teeth.

“So what made you do it?”

“He’s been harassing Jimin since sixth grade.” Jungkook said coldly. “Where’ve you been?”

Again, the principal was stricken speechless. It took him just a few seconds to regain his composure. “You not liking the way we do things does not justify taking matters into your own hands.” Then Principal Song turned to Jiho and his friends. “Please escort Jiho to the nurse and then all of you get to class.” He waited as they made their way down the hall and disappeared around the corner. Then he turned to Jungkook. “You know the rules, young man. You’ll need to come with me. Back to class, Jimin.”

Jungkook watched a look of horror pass over Jimin’s face as the principal took Jungkook by the shoulder and led him away. He craned his neck around, keeping his eyes locked on Jimin’s until they turned the corner. Dread filled his own stomach. If he was suspended, how would he be able to protect Jimin? He turned his head to look back at the principal.

“Principal Song-Nim, you can’t suspend me. Jimin can’t—”

“The staff will do whatever we can to keep our students safe,” the man replied sternly. “He will be fine without you.”

That was it. Jungkook ripped his shoulder out of the principal’s hand and turned to face him. The boy was eye level with the man but more muscular and he couldn’t help but feel a flash of cruel satisfaction when Principal Song took a slight step backward.

“This school has done nothing to make Jimin feel safe,” Jungkook growled. “Something is going to happen to him while I’m gone. Just watch. And when it does, I’m not going after Jiho and his lackeys. I’m coming after you.”

Principal Song’s eyes narrowed to shining black slits. “That sounded like a threat, Jeon Jungkook,” he said. “And threats will not be tolerated at this school.” Then he straightened up, standing eye to eye once again with the boy. “You’re no longer suspended.”

“Wai—”

“You’re expelled.”

Jungkook could feel the anger churning in his belly like an ocean in a hurricane. His fists clenched at his sides and his jaw became prominent as he ground his teeth together.

“Now, if you don’t want the police to get involved, I suggest getting off school grounds immediately.”

Jungkook watched out of the tops of his eyes as the man turned and strolled away and into his office. The whole inner wall was glass so Jungkook could see him go all the way across the room to sit at his oak desk. When the principal was finally seated, he looked up, locking eyes with Jungkook before reaching slowly for the phone. Obviously, he’d been serious when he said he’d call the police on Jungkook if he didn’t leave right then. What else could Jungkook do but go? He couldn’t go back to tell Jimin what happened. He couldn’t return the next week to walk him to his classes. It was over.

With a defeated sigh, his angry expression fell and his eyes slid from the principal’s down to the floor as he trudged toward the exit. What was he going to tell Jimin?

Jungkook waited at the bus stop across the street from the school until the students were let out at the end of the day. He couldn’t risk being caught on the property and getting the cops called on him, so when he finally saw Jimin coming out the front doors, he jumped to his feet and waited anxiously there on the other side of the crosswalk like a dog at the end of his leash. His eyes followed the boy closely, never straying as Jimin pulled his hood up over his faded orange hair. He watched him make his way across the street, his hands jammed deep into the pocket of his hoodie. Watched him glance his way before shaking his head and trudging past him down the sidewalk.

Jungkook knew he looked ridiculous trailing after the boy like a puppy but he couldn’t help it. He needed to apologize. Needed to explain. Needed Jimin to stop ignoring him. Please, just stop ignoring him.

“Jiminie, just stop for a second. Please,” Jungkook finally said, grabbing the smaller boy’s arm and spinning him around to face him.

“Why did you hit him, Jungkook?” Jimin asked. He set his jaw in a hard line, his eyes drilling into Jungkook’s and for the first time, Jungkook actually felt intimidated by his icy stare. “Well?”

With a sigh, Jungkook looked back at the school again. It was several blocks away now. Jimin had gone pretty far before Jungkook caught up to him. “I just need to tell you something…”

“Yes, please do, Jungkook,” Jimin said. “Tell me exactly what you were thinking. Tell me why you thought it would be a good idea to punch Jiho at school when you know that they’ve been cracking down on their whole no violence policy, which is a load of crap, by the way, since apparently Jiho doesn’t even need to touch me to mess with me every day. And now, you’ve gone and gotten yourself suspended so what—”

“Expelled.”

Jimin went silent.

Jungkook didn’t want to meet his eyes. He kicked at a clump of moss sticking up from between a crack in the sidewalk. Stuffed his hands in his pockets and grabbed at the lint that had collected in the seams. Rolled his tongue against his cheek. Until finally, the silence was too heavy to bear and he had to look up.

Jimin’s icy facade had melted, leaving a stricken expression on his pale face. His lips were slightly parted, his shoulders heaving and then his fingers flew up into his hair and panic filled his eyes. “Y-you what?”

Immediately, Jungkook wished he could take everything back. Wished he hadn’t let Jiho’s comment about Taehyung get to him. Wished he’d controlled the fire raging in him. Wished he’d fought the urge to hit him. Wished he hadn’t just uttered the one word that could make his friend suddenly look so scared.

Jimin’s breathing turned ragged and he raked his quivering hands down his face. “Expelled?” he cracked. “You got expelled? I won’t have you? I won’t have Tae? Jiho will…” He staggered, almost crashing into the bushes lining the sidewalk if not for Jungkook reaching out and grabbing him. The boy’s skin felt clammy, his whole body trembling. Jungkook had seen his friend have plenty of anxiety attacks but this was completely different. A panic attack worse than any he’d ever had.

“It’ll be okay, Jiminie,” Jungkook whispered as he sank down onto the curb, enveloping the boy in his arms, letting him crumble into his chest as he descended further into panic. “I’ll figure it out. You won’t be alone. It’ll be okay.” Jungkook knew he was making empty promises. He wasn’t allowed back on school property. Tae wasn’t going back to school, at the very least, until after his trial and that was only if he was found not guilty. And even then, school would be over anyway. Jimin was right. He was all alone. And it was Jungkook’s fault.

It had been almost eight years since he lost his parents and the memories, the details, had faded over time. But sometimes, out of nowhere, his mom or dad’s face would appear in his mind with startling detail, leaving him breathless.

This time it was a dream that they appeared to him in. More of a nightmare, really. He could see the crash happening. Hear the collision. The jarring sound of tires squealing, brakes seizing, glass and metal crumpling. He saw his mom’s terror-filled eyes and heard her scream his name. And then he woke up.

It took him a second to realize he was laying on the floor in Jimin’s room instead of sprawling across the backseat of a car. A layer of cold sweat coated his naked torso and matted his hair down to his forehead.

He heard a groan just then and watched as Jimin’s arm stirred where it lay slung over the edge of his mattress. “Jungkook-ah?”

“I’m fine,” Jungkook said sitting up and pressing his palms into his eyes. “Just had a nightmare, Jiminie. Go back to sleep.”

With another barely-awake groan, Jimin rolled over to face the wall. Jungkook peered at him from over the edge of the bed. The boy’s blankets had slipped off of him in the night and now he lay curled into a ball, his cotton pants riding up his legs to expose his boney ankles. He was so small. Too small.

Jungkook got up quietly and tugged Jimin’s blanket back in place over his body. The boy nuzzled his pillow, never opening his eyes but letting out a contented sigh. At least he seemed to be having good dreams. With a sharp breath to clear his head, Jungkook reached for his shirt and tugged it on then grabbed his hoodie and slipped from the room quietly.

The whole house was dark and silent, the place awash in cold, blue light cast by the streetlamp that filtered in through the filmy curtains covering the windows. Jimin’s house was nice. Not super nice like Jin’s, but homey, comfortable. Jungkook felt a stab of jealousy in his gut as he made his way to the entryway where his shoes were. He passed walls lined with photos of Jimin in different stages of growing up. Family photos and birthday photos and school photos. Jungkook hadn’t lived in a house where his picture adorned a wall in a long time. Having been shuffled from one place to the next so many times had made him forget what it was even like to have a place to call his. Sure, he’d been with his current caretakers for a few years now but he’d never go so far as to call those people his family or that house his home.

After pulling his shoes on, Jungkook unlocked and opened the front door quietly. It was unusually warm for a spring night but Jungkook welcomed the feeling of the wind on his face. He’d woken up with goosebumps dotting his skin and this was the comfort he needed to wash away the image of his mom’s terror-filled eyes.

He often went for walks when he needed to clear his head. So much had happened that day that this walk was necessary. Heck, the past several months had been nothing but one hit after another. From Taehyung killing his dad to getting arrested, to Yoongi suddenly flipping out on Jin and tossing Jungkook out like a piece of trash. Jungkook sucked in a sharp breath at that last thought.

He’d made it to the end of Jimin’s street, past the mini mart and out onto the main road that ran through the city. He wasn’t sure where he was headed but it didn’t really matter anyway. He could go on forever and no one would miss him. He already was nothing but a burden on the people that knew him. And he’d let down the only one that didn’t see him as such.

After hearing the same words for the past eight years of his life, that he was only as good as the money he brought in, that he needed to stop relying on others to take care of him, that he needed to grow up and be a man, it was hard to not believe it was all true. And then there was Jimin. His best friend and the boy that relied on him more than anyone else. The boy that trusted him to keep him safe and he’d failed. Failed at his one responsibility.

Jungkook cut across the street and around a corner. The school loomed in front of him, its tall, white stone clocktower raising up to pierce the sky like a blade. Jungkook sat down on the bench he’d waited for Jimin on earlier in the day and rested his head in his hands.

That dream had really shaken him. Had brought everything back. And now the hole in his chest that had finally begun to shrink with time felt gaping again. Without any warning, his chest contracted and he let out a sob. Then the tears came.

He buried his face in his arms, crumpling into a ball there on the bench as he cried. His voice echoed down the street, filling the darkness with sounds of anguish. He didn’t know how long he cried but when he finally looked up again, his lungs hurt and his eyes burned.

Jungkook leaned back, resting his head against the back of the bench so he could look up at the sky. The city lights washed out most of the stars but the brightest ones were still visible. Shining and twinkling the way stars do, completely unaware or maybe uncaring of the trivial problems of humans. Stars have much bigger things to worry about.

With a heavy sigh Jungkook got up again. The air had cooled significantly since he left Jimin’s house and now he hunched his shoulders forward and shoved his hands deep into his pockets to brace himself against the chill. He was exhausted and only now did he regret leaving the house in the first place. It was going to be a long, cold walk back.

He didn’t even see the car flying down the road toward him. The driver apparently didn’t see him either because they didn’t even attempt to slow down before plowing into him. The whole thing happened so quickly that Jungkook didn’t know it until he landed on the road on his back with a sickening crunch. The impact ripped all of the air from his lungs and he lay there for several panicking seconds as he tried to will them to expand again. When he finally was able to pull in a breath, he knew something was wrong. He couldn’t inhale right. When he tried to move his legs, they wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t feel anything. Something was definitely wrong.

His heart pounded in his chest and he could hear how ragged and shallow his breathing was. His vision blurred with every beat. The air grew thick and suddenly he felt like he was drowning. Panic washed over him like a wave and his unfocused eyes watched as the surface grew more and more distant. He was sinking further. Falling into the dark depths of the unknown.

Please, no. Please, not here. Not like this.

Jungkook could feel himself being tugged further down and he grit his teeth, struggling against current. No matter how hard he struggled, he couldn’t fight it. He could feel his energy draining. Feel his heartbeat weakening. The sound of it slowing seemed to surround him until it was all he could hear. Until there was nothing but him, floating in this black ocean, listening to his dying pulse.

Please…not like this.

He thought of Jimin, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He thought of Tae who still constantly wore that haunted look on his face. Of Hoseok and how lifeless he’d become. Of Namjoon and how much he beat himself up over letting Tae down. Of Yoongi.

“Yoongi.”

The name left Jungkook’s lips in a cracked wheeze. His throat constricted and it took him several more seconds and too much energy to force the muscles to relax so he could breathe again.

What he wouldn’t give to see Yoongi again. He just wanted to hear his voice. Wanted to hear him assure him that everything would be okay. That he would get through this. That what happened with Jimin wasn’t his fault. Though he knew it was.

I don’t want to die alone.

A sob broke free of Jungkook’s throat and he took in another gasping breath before plunging below the surface of the dark ocean again. Memories of his life floated around him in the darkness. As if watching silent movies on a projector, his eyes roved over the familiar scenes. Of when he met Jimin, and the rest of the guys. When they had their first beach day. Of one of the many parties at Yoongi’s where Jungkook spent the whole time on the couch stuffed between Jimin and Tae while playing video games. Of the first time he went to Yoongi after his fake dad told him he was worthless. Yoongi pulling him in for a hug, his arms holding Jungkook’s broken pieces together. And finally, his eyes fell on a memory. A memory of him and his parents the night before his seventh birthday when the three of them were making cupcakes and he and his dad ended up getting into a frosting fight.

He focused on his parents’ faces. On the laugh lines creasing the corners of his mom’s eyes. On the gray flecks of scruff peppering his dad’s chin. These were the things he had forgotten over the years. The things that were so vivid and real to him now.

Suddenly the thought of dying didn’t terrify him anymore. Now, instead, Jungkook could only feel an undeniable sense of peace. He’d finally get to be with his parents. He’d finally have a family again. He was so close to the edge, he could feel it.

At last, he opened his eyes. The black sky stretched above him and through the blurry film of tears, he could still make out the stars. Now they didn’t seem like cold, uncaring orbs of light in the distance. They were much closer. So close he’d be able to reach out and brush them with his fingertips if he had the strength.

Kook-ah. What do you think you’re doing?

Jungkook blinked hard and sighed. “Yoongi-hyung?” he uttered, his words drawn out and slurred. He could feel himself fading fast.

Just hold on, Kook. Just keep fighting.

Jungkook’s heart rate plunged again, his thoughts suddenly foggy. It was getting harder to breathe. “I-I can’t…hyung.”

Do it for us, Kook. Please. Do it for Jimin.

“It’s…too…” Jungkook could feel himself drifting in and out of consciousness, “late…for Jimin.”

Bull.

A puff of air escaped his nose in a weak laugh. He couldn’t help feeling a twinge of sadness at the thought of leaving his friends behind. He felt the warmth of fresh tears spring to his eyes when he thought about the moments he’d shared with them. The parties, the jokes, the meals at the diner. He’d had nothing until he met them, and then they were his everything. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

With his teeth gritted against the pain, Jungkook slid his arm along the pavement, scraping the exposed skin of his wrist across the ground as he reached for his pocket. His energy was draining fast and he knew he didn’t have much longer. By the time his fingers brushed the hem of his pocket, he was breathing hard. Just a little bit further. A choked sob fell from his lips when he realized his pocket was empty. His phone wasn’t there.

Exhausted, he let his head fall to the side, his fading vision landing on the cracked black device sitting next to him. He felt like he was going to cry with relief. His arm was too heavy to lift and for a few seconds he stared helplessly at his phone, the sound of his heartbeat slowing in his ears. But then he pulled in a breath.

“Hey Siri,” he wheezed and then waited with bated breath until at last, the screen of his phone came to life and his mouth nudged up into a weak, triumphant smile. “Call…” Who could he call? “Call Seokjin,” he finally said. As the screen changed, he waited, closing his eyes and letting the sound of the ringing fill his head. It took four agonizing rings before Jungkook heard the sound of someone answering.

“Hello?”

Jungkook’s face crumpled at the sound of the familiar voice and he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Hello?” Jin’s voice echoed again. “Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook sucked in as deep of a breath as he could. “Hyung?” he cracked.

“Jungkook-ah? Do you know what time it is? Are you okay?”

Jungkook opened his mouth to respond but instead, a sob pushed its way out.

“Jungkook? What happened? What’s wrong?” The older boy’s voice rose with panic.

“I tried, hyung” he whispered letting his cheek fall to the pavement. He squeezed his eyes shut as another cry tumbled out. “I failed. I failed Jimin…”

“You what? Jungkook, where are you? What happened?”

“I failed Yoongi-hyung…”

On the other end of the line, Jungkook could hear faint rustling sounds as Jin got out of bed and started fumbling around in his room. “Just stay on the line with me. Where are you?”

Jungkook took in a wheezing breath as his surroundings began to fade. He tried to keep his eyes focused on the glowing screen of his phone where it lay close to his head. He couldn’t feel his body anymore. He couldn’t feel the cold air, or the rumbling pavement. He couldn’t hear the sirens in the distance or the fact that they were growing closer.

“Just tell the guys I love them. Tell them I’m sorry,” he whispered as the tears slipped past his eyelashes and slid down his cheek.

“Jungkook, stop,” Jin cracked. “Don’t talk like that. Just tell me where you are.”

Jungkook tried to open his mouth again, tried to draw in another breath but he was too tired. Too far gone. Instead, he closed his eyes, listening to Jin go on, his voice distorting as he yelled into the receiver. At least he wasn’t alone anymore.

28 notes · View notes

thcbcys · 6 years ago

Text

Time to talk about my year and some people I’ve met / Been around a lot in 2018.

Alright, So I started 2018 off in the South park fandom, as I did in 2017 as well. It was fine until Drama started rolling in and I started openly talking about my problems. I got ignored a lot and Had to have some of my actual BFF’s calm me down at times. It had been a shitty few months in this year, Most of the people I use to talk to stopped talking to me, Blocked me or have deactivated and lost contact with. But There’s good some good memories in there, I met a few people I called my family and I love them dearly, I met my lovely girlfriend...and Ex girlfriend this year as well.

School sucked, I moved a lot and well I still don’t have any real life friends besides my cousin and best friend who I rarely see because She’s gone off to CEGEP / University ATM. I got bullied again and got called names a lot, I’ve gotten comments about my looks and my problems and How I always looked so depressed and down all the time. I guess that was because I was having a shitty time...I mean, I had been moving around a lot, I moved schools 4-5 times in the past 2 years and honestly I was just getting tired of being stabbed in the back by people. So This was the year I started cutting myself, Crying myself to sleep, being more quiet about being sad and triggers started affecting me even more then they use to. My family was being a bitch, My mother was making me her slave while she was on crutches, my dad and I fought, I wanted to move in with my grandmother, I wanted to run away a few times as well.

Good things that came out of this year actually was I started learning a lot about myself, Like Gender issues and Sexuality. I learned that I really liked girls A LOT. I figured out my art style and kept developing on it. I joined a fandom I was accepted in, Made some really great and beautiful people and Got myself a lovely girlfriend that I love so much. I moved back to my old down as well. I’m going to be graduating this year as well...So yeah.

Now Ig’s Its time to talk about some of the people I met and Loved this year a lot??

@stcrmclcud: My best friend, Holy fuck man. Abi’s always there for me and Just knows how to make me smile all the time. She’s a beautiful being that just wow...That’s been my friend for almost 2-3 years now? Like fuck, That’s the longest I’ve ever had a friend for man. This girl here, I would fucking die for her if she asked me to, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Just I’m gonna love Abi until she gets sick of me, Because holy fuck man,,,, Just wow. ily bitch, I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you bitch

@homeonethewastes: !! Darkness holy shit, You are the one and only true fucking friend to have,,, Like FUCK. This man here stayed up with me one whole night a few times because I was feeling suicidal and just crying a lot. He calmed me down once others went to be and just wow. This is the truest friend you could ever have. He’s a big sweetie who needs to learn that he isn’t ugly at all! He needs to fucking remember that I love him sm because GODDDDDD I would die for him too, Like shoot me for him, Pls just let me die for you. Our chats / shitposts are great and I love when we talk and shitpost, I jst love talking with you man. You and Abi are like the main reasons I haven’t left the internet RPC community.

@kahlvin-cycle: This man right here, This is a man I love. Fucking ALEKS, I love a man named Aleks so much like holy fucking shit. We started out in the middle of this year fucking shit posting, That was our first fucking interaction together ;; Door knob Dick Donovan. And then boom, We became friends after that jewbfew. Listen okay, Aleks is a big fucking sweetie and I love him with my whole heart, He’s another reason Why I haven’t left the Internet as well. His writing is amazing, His art makes me NUT, Just w o w. You need to learn to love yourself or else I’m gonna kick your ass. Another lovely man I would Die for as well. Just /Murder me for him/

@whitetrashugly: SUNI, My big brother,, This boy here holy fucking tiddys. I love him sm, Like??? You don’t understand???? He’s a big fucking sweetie, Has tired and probably still will try and fight someone for me. He’s helped me out so much threw the years, I’ve known him since I started in the South park community, And I will continue to be in contact with him because oof <3 Why wouldn’t I? Bitch ily sm

@creekbrat: LYALL YOU LOVELY PIECE OF CAKE. Guys, this human right here, ya this is a good person and I love them so fucking much. Lyall is a big fucking sweetie and just wow, A fucking joy to be around, Their art is great, I love their selfies as well just ooffff <3 I honestly count Lyall as a good friend of mine, Even if we don’t talk as much as I want to ;y;

@marjorinetenorman: Nyx, My lovely girlfriend. Oof I love you so fucking much, Like holy crap. You’re so beautiful and lovely and I just wanna hug and kiss you all the time. Like, I don’t get why some people don’t like you, Their clearly weird honestly. I don’t see what they see, you are a fucking joy to be around, the conversations we have together are fucking sweet and just wow. I’m so fucking happy to have you as my S/O and I just wish we continue for a long while. <3

@violetreflectixn: Rattie,, omg okay so like.....I started off being so scared to talk to you. And then you brought up that you were into Btd,,, and then I started talking to you ;y; I was a nervous bean. You were there for me when the shit went down in the BTD fandom, you were there for me when I felt like shit. Like wow, You really didn’t need to do that ;y; but you did and I’m like super thankful that you did <3 I’m like super glad to have met you!

@youbxstards: KITTY, You big fucking sweetie!! Aaaa!! This here, This is the best fucking person you could ever meet. She’s always there for you, she helps you when your down, She’s a big joy to be around, Like holy fuck. She’s like a big sister to me, A mom as well. She watched over me for a while and I was so thankful that she did. ;y; I believe I was the reason she came into the south park fandom,, So that’s a thing,, I encouraged her to make a Kyle blog after we were talking about it on another one of her old blogs.

@dcvotiion: mmm Jeremy, This big fucking bean. This big lovely fucking bean. I was so terrified to talk with you?? Like?? I was just so fucking nervous. And then I started talking with rattie and then met you and just oof. You were there for me too when I was getting harassed ;y; I’m so fucking happy about that like,, wow,, you didn’t need to do that ether but you did. You’re a big sweetie and ily so much. We have some pretty interesting conversations too wefhbjewbh even if they get weird at times.

@nathanthesoldierboy: Nat,,, Just,,,,omfg<3 This boy here, Ya I fucking love his to pieces. Like, Hes a huge fucking sweetie pants and I wish he would let me help him and make him feel better Like,,, Pls I wish to make you happy, let me do this as a friend. His character is just wow, Himself is just WOW. I love you sm like?? Even if we’ve been mutuals for what? 2-3 months now? idfc, I love you man. I just wanna talk with you a lot more tho ;y; pwease senpai.

@mayhemandmonsters: Code, You are a fucking lovable potato and I love you,, Like FUCK. You’re so sweet?? and kind?? and Loving and I just?? Can i get some of that. I’m still a nervous wreck to talk to you ;y; But I manage to at least have a conversation in the sever with you from time to time. :”) I just wish to conjure the balls to have a full on conversation on day.

@how-to-train-your-slytherin: Chase love sweetie, doll. I love you. You’re so fucking adorable and kind and I just scream?? Because wow, How can someone be so fucking cute. You’re such a joy, Like holy god, I seem to laugh a lot with the stuff you say and the interactions you have with Kenny. Just ;y; omg I love you,,,

@kill-me-again-im-still-conscious: Toshire.. I’ve talked to you for what? A few weeks now, I don’t fucking care. I still love you and if anything happens to you I’m killing everyone In the room and then myself. You are a fucking doll and just wow, ily. We need to talk more, We must conversation a bit and help me be a human being.

#☭ ;; OOC #New Years #I know its not New years yet for some of you #but idc #I'm tired jwfbwje I must go on my phone I am sorr #y

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