#which is why i only read the first two volumes and never continued the series again until this year

[childofsquidward]

Books I Read In 2022 (and by read I mean actually liked)

Sailor Moon, Vol. 1 by Naoko Takeuchi

“Me? The leader of the four guardians?”

⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4.5 STARS)

SPOILERS BELOW!!!

Surprisingly enough, I never got into Sailor Moon as a kid both in terms of the manga and the anime. (I was more of a Tokyo Mew Mew and Pretty Cure girl.) Reading the manga for the first time as an adult definitely makes me wish that I’d been more interested in this series as a kid because it’s everything I love about the magical girl genre and it definitely made me a little nostalgic for that era of media because we really haven’t gotten another series like Sailor Moon or Tokyo Mew Mew in a very long time.

I definitely related to Usagi the most in terms of personality and she would have absolutely been my comfort character in middle school. Clumsy, always sleepy and therefore always late; a terrible student with a disrespectful little brother and obsessed with every pretty girl she sees… fuck it, I’m Sailor Moon now. Her first reaction to Luna talking being that she’s just dreaming and just turning away from her to go back to sleep was highly relatable.

Older manga series have such an interesting art style to me because this style of manga is very cutesy, but then the art for the possessed characters and monsters doesn’t fit that style at all because of how horrifying they look, like, this would’ve been such a jumpscare for me as a kid. It’s so inconsistent, but it really works for some reason. I also thought that the art for the first time that Tuxedo Mask swoops in was gorgeous. 

Random thoughts/reactions I had while reading this book:

Usagi impulsively getting off the bus to follow a pretty girl is so me-coded. I’d fold for Sailor Mars too.

I knew Luna did something to the machine!

Rei would be me in this situation like, no I’m not going to blindly put myself in danger to save the world without knowing exactly what your end goal is, you’re literally a talking cat.

Nephrite is literal nightmare fuel while using his powers, otherwise, he’s the hottest of them all.

DON’T KISS HER WHILE SHE’S UNCONSCIOUS, OH MY GOD, GET HIS ASS LUNA!!! (I’m taking off 0.5 stars just for this.)

Lols, Makoto saved her life and fed her, Usagi already forgot about Tuxedo Mask. Her noticing the rose earrings - gay as hell.

“I just don’t trust men.” - Rei, I am so sorry the original show made you boy-crazy! (I’ve seen the clips.)

“Something much, much more important than love or romance.” - yeah, female friendships and also lesbians

Tokyo Mew Mew had that whole secret fifth member who already has their powers and has been doing this the longest too, and I lowkey think they did it better.

[reason-with-the-underdog]

so it's a situationship (ND version)

ok but imagine if alhaitham had in his youth dismissed romance novels as "silly" and only as an adult (post-breakup) did alhaitham start finding value in reading them

so kaveh's very much unprepared for haitham bringing a new romantic male lead energy to their "friendship"

alhaitham, in the days and months after their breakup, starts to read romance novels and character-focused fiction as a way to figure out went wrong in their final confrontation & to understand why kaveh cared so deeply for the feelings of other people to his own detriment

meanwhile, kaveh taped together the torn up thesis and then buried himself with work so he could graduate on time, establish his career, build the palace, etc

which is how we get to where alhaitham seems to have grown a lot since their fight (which was his "rock bottom")

while kaveh's been so busy, he never had time to reflect deeply on the fight

...not until he became bankrupt and homeless & alhaitham was suddenly right there holding out a helping hand

which is why we see kaveh's growth in real time!

kaveh needed a more stable and supportive environment to finally realize the changes in alhaitham and in himself and what that means for how they can relate to each other...!

notice how kaveh's always taken aback when alhaitham suddenly behaves differently than expected

backing down instead of continuing to argue over philosophies

overthrowing the government (!!!)

practically begging to be thanked

the thing is: kaveh is so used to his akademiya-era understanding of alhaitham that its startling when alhaitham has in fact grown up from that unsociable little junior who scoffed a little at his senior when kaveh was distraught over the MC's heartbreak in a novel he was reading

because now apparently alhaitham not only reads that same novel series, he has a personally signed copy of the sequel! and has the next book on pre-order! kaveh hasn't even had the time to read the last three volumes he's been so busy

what is this!! when did alhaitham change??

(what else has kaveh missed in those missing years when they didnt talk to each other)

anyways so nowadays you'll find them curled up on the couch together reading two books from the same romance novel series and kaveh is elbowing alhaitham bc "no spoilers!! you know i haven't had time to catch up until now!"

also consider that the focus on all the nonverbal cues of attraction in these romance novels that alhaitham read finally clued him into the fact that kaveh prob was attracted to him back then

and that their "friendship" may have been seen as something deeper by everyone else...

basically:

kaveh liked alhaitham in their akademiya days, and he figured he was SUPER obvious about his crush and pretty much did everything besides straight up confessing "i like you in a way that's more than friends. lets date"

but alhaitham never picked up on the signs.... so kaveh figures that there's no interest on alhaitham's part.

and kaveh would never outright say "i want to date you romantically" to alhaitham bc of his own experiences with feeling pressured after someone asks him out

(he says yes out of pity and then it ends after the first few dates at longest)

...kaveh didn't want a pity date from alhaitham. so no confession, and he buries those feelings deep down because friendship is good, too

meanwhile alhaitham has no idea what normal platonic friendships are like vs romantic friendships vs romantic relationships (also they're literally teenagers here, being geniuses only makes them worse at figuring this stuff out honestly)

it's only after alhaitham reads several romance novels that he figures out kaveh's feelings post-breakup... unfortunately kaveh is no longer talking to him at that point so......

alhaitham spends the breakup period coming to terms with his feelings & accepting that yeah he loves kaveh

its actually fun for him in an intellectual way how his heartrate will accelerate upon seeing that kaveh's published a response to his latest paper or message board note

plus, kaveh is a public figure so its easy enough to keep tabs on his general well being. even thought kaveh avoids seeing alhaitham in person, they are still communicating over text in an academic way so that's good enough

alhaitham at that fateful tavern meeting never expected anything more, but one thing after another and now they're living together

and oh this is so much better.

and worse.

romance novels never include that the love interest hogs the bathroom for hour-long showers. and those love interests also don't start hammering away at models at 3 am

but alhaitham now gets to see kaveh wide-eyed with excitement over his epiphany (even if its at 11 at night), and he's the first one kaveh tells when he discovers a new blend of coffee he likes or when the bazaar vendors give him a special deal on his favorite fruits

it's funny, kaveh complains constantly about all the books alhaitham leaves scattered throughout the house, but he fails to notice that there are quite a few romance novels incorporated into alhaitham's daily readings

now, as an adult who's done his research (so many novels!) alhaitham's more prepared to notice the signs of romantic interest!

...unfortunately he can see that kaveh acts similarly to how they were in akademiya except with more distance...

which means.... kaveh's not interested anymore

& alhaitham can see how kaveh's still led by his guilty conscience, which is why kaveh goes out of his way to do kind things for alhaitham in return

so: kaveh no longer returns his feelings.

it's ok. there's still value in observing his own emotional responses around someone he loves, even if those feelings are not returned in the same way

[thealiveshadow]

This is the letter Horikoshi wrote in the extras of Volume 39, it’s quite the interesting read:

«  As many of have already noticed, most chapters have become shorter. This is due to the speed at which I draw decreasing over the years and my schedule being a total mess. Because of that, I've been talking to the higher ups of the editorial department on a regular basis so that we can decide on the number of pages for each chapter in advance, allowing MHA to be included in the magazine. I know it's 100% my fault, but I always find myself thinking "if only I could draw a few more pages...!". I'm really self-centered, ain't I? How awful.

So they told me that chapter 395, "Built Upon The Joys of Others", would be 13 pages long. But, as you can see, it ended up with 15 pages. And that's thanks to Imamura-san, my editor. I made a 13 pages long first draft, but it was evident that I had to hinder the narrative for it to work. If I were a better author, maybe those 13 pages would have been enough... So, I took that first draft and handed it to Imamura-san, who read it and fell silent. After a while, he said: "...what if you added two more pages?"

An editor increasing the page count based on their personal opinion is considered a major taboo. After all, the magazine consists of many series and many chapters. But Imamura-san is a relatively younger editor, so maybe that's why. "Is that even possible?!", I asked, and his eyes lost their sparkle.

"Don't worry, I'm the only one who's going to get scolded. I liked this draft, but I think this chapter has the potential to be even better. So, I'm asking you to draw two more pages within the time limit. If the deadline comes and you haven't done it, it'll be a problem for everyone. What do you say, Horikoshi-san?"

His eyes were as black as a black hole. They were pits without any light. And that's how we managed to publish chapter 395 with 15 pages.

What I'm trying to say is that both Imamura-san and the editorial department are giving their all to make sure that MHA comes out in the best possible way. If it weren't for their efforts, maybe it wouldn't be possible for the serialization to continue. So I want to take this opportunity to thank them. Thank you very much.

And I want to send a message to everyone who's entering adulthood: meet your deadlines and avoid causing trouble for other people. Otherwise, their eyes will be filled with darkness.

(Come to think of it, I never managed to finish my summer vacation homework on time. I should have realized back then that I wasn't fit for life in society)»

Kouhei Horikoshi

All credits go to @RukasuMHA on Twitter for the translations, I take no credit at all for the text provided.

Here’s the original page:

[hypermoyashi]

Okay! I finally got the time to start reading Trigun again, so this'll be my thoughts on chapters 17-20, plus Day In / Day Out and the Pilot, which are included in the Trigun volume of the deluxe edition. Warnings for spoilers!

Man I have so many thoughts on these chapters. I have to say I'm not a huuuuuge fan of the pilot--this appears to be where Vash's sexual harassment habit from the '98 came from, plus it did feel kind of odd for him to stand back and do nothing as someone took revenge on another when he's much more active in asking people not to kill in the main series. It sort of feels like he wasn't done yet as a character, and Nightow tweaked his characterization after the pilot. Some fun gags, though! And the Day In / Day Out bonus chapter was just cute, with Vash playing chess and losing with old men and playing with children. He's so sweet!

As for the actual chapters, we got the Legato chapters, and the Dominique chapters! Man, Dominique seemed like such a cool character, but we didn't get any real information about her. I guess that was standard since we didn't get much on the previous Gung-ho Guns that appeared, either, but she seemed neat! Mad respect for people who develop her in fic.

More under the cut! (Mind the warnings!)

We also got the first chapters of Wolfwood and Vash interacting! Honestly, the kids trying to steal from Wolfwood, Vash chiding them, and Wolfwood just giving them each a third of his remaining money but still keeping a little for himself... Wolfwood is such a sweet person. And Vash's smile! Wolfwood's comment on it! Honestly their relationship in canon is just so fucking sweet, though my brain is very Vashwood oriented now. (Though, fun fact that I experienced the '98 and Tristamp before Trimax, and Trimax was what got me really shipping Vashwood. So I didn't explicitly ship it until Trimax.)

And then. Man. We got the first on-screen interaction of Knives and Vash. I'm actually gonna save that for the end of the post, but. Actually made me feel kind of bad for Legato, after showing such devotion and loyalty to Knives only to get maimed by him almost as soon as Knives was awake again. It really shows that no matter what Legato does, he will never hold the same place in Knives's heart that Vash does because he's human, and yet, Legato will continuously chose Knives anyway, because at least he is better than Legato's previous circumstances.

I also loved Meryl and Milly. They tried so hard to get Vash to rest, to not go and confront Knives after he was injured in his fight against Dominique, but he went anyway, because of course he would. Them keeping his jacket and then hanging in the desert as a mock grave because they're not sure if he's dead or alive... Man. My fucking heart. They didn't get to spend a lot of time with him, but he was still important to the two of them.

Wolfwood was revealed as one of the Gung-ho Guns as well... The series doesn't play coy with letting you know Wolfwood is a traitor, and the fact that Vash travels with him later despite Wolfwood being at the Jeneora Rock with the rest of the Gung-ho Guns... I'm not even sure if they were visible to Vash, but there's nothing I picked up on to indicate he couldn't see them. So it's possible and probable Vash was just aware from the beginning of who Wolfwood was, what he was sent for, and Wolfwood was aware he probably knew, and just... Neither of them acknowledged it, which is very in line with the two of them.

And now. My thoughts on Vash and Knives.

Warnings for explicit discussions of abusive relationships and the dynamics involved.

Also a disclaimer that if you don't read them as abusive, that is perfectly fine. My reading is colored by my personal experience, so due to the inherently upsetting nature of denying abuse, I just ask that no one respond with their own contradictory headcanons on why I'm wrong on my reading--you're free to talk about your own readings in your own posts and spaces, but please be respectful of my own personal reading here!

In such a short interaction, there are so many shitty things that Knives does. So I'm going to break them down below:

Belittling/Infantilizing Vash: Knives specifically does this when he comments on Vash's scars, how they've grown since their last encounter. He views them as a mark of ignorance, how Vash refuses to learn from his mistakes, instead of seeing them how Vash sees them--a result of his choice to be kind. He can't view them as marks of Vash's choices, because then he can't frame this as him needing to "save" Vash from himself.

Attempts to isolate Vash from everyone who is not Knives: Specifically, he does that when he's pushing Vash to turn his gun on humans, asking why he's pointing his gun at Knives instead of them, turning his angel arm on humanity, sending the Gung-ho Guns after Vash, and purposefully creating chaos and destruction around him to ostracize him from society--Knives wants Vash to hate humanity as much as he does, but we also don't really see Knives connecting with other Plants on a personal level or encouraging Vash to do so, either. So effectively, by trying to drive Vash away from humanity, it means he's trying to severe every connection Vash has that isn't him. Painting him as a disaster and getting humanity to try and hate him (successfully, for the most part), and then trying to get Vash to hate humanity in return (unsuccessfully), is all a tactic to try and convince Vash that Knives is his only option, that they're the only ones who can understand one another and co-exist. This also extends to him sending Wolfwood after him--someone for Vash to bond with, only for him to be revealed a traitor (or for Vash to know he's a traitor all along). It didn't have the intended effect at all since Knives's understanding of Vash is shallow and self-centered, since Wolfwood is exactly the kind of kind human forced into violent circumstances that Vash would grow fond of. I don't think Knives banked on what comes later with the two of them, either. There are additional examples of this later in canon, but I'm sticking to what I've noticed so far.

Violating Vash's bodily autonomy: Conjuring the angel arm despite the fact that Vash is screaming and crying through it, using Vash's body for his own purposes against Vash's will. Yeah, this one doesn't really need any further explaining.

Blaming Vash for things that were objectively Knives's fault: Case in point, July. If I remember correctly, July was 100% a result of Knives forcing the angel arm to go out of control, but he cites it as an example of why Vash is just as much of a "humanoid disaster" as he is when Vash tries to call him out for his actions against humanity and the genuine harm he is doing. Knives was deflecting and disregarding Vash in an attempt to drag him down to his level and avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. It's also a manipulation tactic to "muddy the waters" and attack Vash's self-esteem, by trying to equate their actions as just as bad as one another when they are not.

These are the main ones I noticed! It's all kind of subtle, but real-life abuse often is, as well (except when it's not). But these are all tactics that Tristamp Knives also uses, he's just a little more blatant about it--with saying that Vash only needs him, labeling Vash a criminal, putting a bounty on his head, and blaming him for Knives's criminal acts in the public eye, using him to try and get at the core, etc. So honestly, I think Tristamp Knives reads as pretty faithful to Trimax Knives in my opinion, and it's neat to see that the creators drew on the same details that were there in the manga and expanded on them, although in slightly different contexts.

I do really appreciate this aspect being present in the manga, too. It's very often that I find depictions of abuse in fiction don't jiive with me personally, or that I can't read them, but the way Trigun handles it really resonated with me. But! I will talk about that more as I go through the rest of the series!

Thanks for reading this far!

[zombeesknees]

currently in the life of the angie bee:

my sense of time is strangely broken, because it's almost 6pm but my brain is all, "gosh, it's not even noon yet!" and i have no fuckin idea why.

i've been deodorizing and washing and cleaning the house all day because i feel like there's a particularly sour smell throughout it, but now i'm wondering if it's me, and i don't know why i'm suddenly smelling so sour??? like, it's not a sweat smell, it's a sour, musty smell, and i'm still using the same shampoo and body washes i always do, and it's not as if my diet's changed significantly, so wth is going on??? IS IT A SIGN THAT I'M DYING OF SOME WEIRD DISEASE??? i know folks with diabetes sometimes smell strangely sweet, but i've never heard of something that makes you smell sour. OR IS IT ALL IN MY HEAD AND PSYCHOSOMATIC??? i'm not just gonna go up to someone and be like, "do you think i smell weird?"

quint remains one of the Characters of All-Time (and a Happy Jaws Day to all who celebrate it).

(yeah, i don't celebrate the 4th, what a bullshit holiday, we have nothing to be proud of as a country, especially these days.)

dropped $288 this morning on two and a half weeks-worth of groceries for one person. and that was buying basic, off-brand shit. how the fuck did we get to this.

slight silver lining: i have today, tomorrow, and the full weekend off, and i get to spend time with joel tomorrow AND see shara and nichole on sunday.

i set my reading goal for the year at 50 books (something i didn't come close to achieving last year, thanks to a reading block that set in in march and didn't let up for the rest of the year). and in the last two weeks i hit 54 books (almost all of them new-to-me, which is ALSO amazing). my unmedicated ADHD bullshit may still be preventing me from watching new shows and movies, but at least it's eased off on the reading front.

a new dude joined our book club this week and he's CUTE and likes fantasy and is a high school social studies/history teacher, and we discussed character archetypes for like ten minutes. maybe next club meeting i'll actually give him my number and ask him out.

wimsey has spent a full week in the flower donut collar thanks to scratching his chin raw and bloody. vet recced treating him with revolution in case it's because of mites, washing the wound with a special antibiotic flush, and keeping him in the collar until everything's fully healed/his fur grows back in. makes for a hella grompy flower:

god, leverage really is just the best show. doesn't matter how many times i watch it; i'm forever delighted and impressed with just how well written/constructed/everything it is. that's my emotional support family of thieves, your honor.

i'm getting SO CLOSE to filling out the final gaps in the current sections of my hazeldine WIP, and i really do think i'm gonna have to split it into two volumes instead of making it all vol. 6 as i had originally planned. but IF i do that, that means vol. 6 is gonna HAVE to end on a significant cliffhanger, which i typically try to avoid. (yes, technically all of the previous vols have ended on cliffhangers, since this is a continuing story spread over several volumes. but they haven't been LITERAL cliffhangers, with someone on the verge of death or something.) i don't like when books in a series i'm reading do that, so i try not to inflict that on my own readers. but perhaps i can mitigate it slightly by making sure both vols 6 AND 7 are fully polished/ready for printing, and release them like a month apart or something, so there isn't a huge wait in between...

FINALLY finished the replacement cross-stitch sampler of lighthouses for a gal from work (the first one got lost in the mail beginning of last month). now i can continue working on the Yee Dudes series for my bud jordan <3

but also i'm gonna try to design a pattern for myself re: a dracula joke that keeps popping into my head: descending the castle, lizard-fashion. i'm probably the only person who is THIS delighted/amused by that joke, but i'll enjoy stitching something for myself for a change, lol.

[beevean]

I find it almost saddening how much I've soured on Whisper since she was introduced. She started as such an intriguing character with, imo, a cool design and an intriguing backstory, and in the T&W miniseries we got a very touching story of the two of them growing closer together, with both (especially Tangle) showing off their smarts and why they could make a good match. And then the misery porn train got a hold of her and like 90% of the stories she's in have her get injured, hurt emotionally, forced to recall her trauma in painful ways, constantly dragging her into new traumatic experiences and not allowing her any moving on, while the 'hero' characters are not even shown in the wrong for causing her those (Tangle's crocodile tears about accidentally triggering Whisper: their team is called the Diamond Cutters now. Sonic waltzing right over her rightful apprehension of having Surge around: Surge is allowed to stay.) Not helped by the fact they wrote Silver as an "OhmahGAW GUARDIAN ANGEL!!!!! So cool! So epic! Let me worship the ground you walk on and keep this up for all issues we're gonna work together!!!!" in order to help shill her some more. Except that made that Whisper now is the coolest person in the world ever, unless when the plot needs her to be weak as fuck, crying constantly, and getting overrun by her alleged allies to make readers either feel sad or squeal at Muh Dramatic Irony. Which currently is all the time.

It's strange. So many things with IDW that people now dislike were there from the first handful of issues onwards, but only as things began to go more and more south we began to see it, I feel like.

So many things with IDW that people now dislike were there from the first handful of issues onwards, but only as things began to go more and more south we began to see it, I feel like.

I'd say it's because of multiple factors:

the post-Forces backlash that lead the fandom to have rose-tinted glasses towards IDW (I'm sadly forced to admit that I was one of those people :<)

the general love for the then recently-cancelled Archie that made fans latch onto IDW and Flynn (I wasn't one of those people lol. Never read Archie <3)

the patience towards a new series still finding its footing, with the assumption that it would get better with time. Spoiler: it got worse :)

Anyway, yes. Whisper started out with a cool concept: an introverted, shy girl who preferred to use weapons and not necessarily stick with a team. She feels different enough from the other girls in the cast, but like she could belong, especially in the earlier volumes that were meant to be a continuation from Forces.

But it's clear that the writers don't really know what to do with her, but they can't just shelf her like they could with Belle, because she's popular. And shippable, which is the very fuel that keeps IDW alive nowadays. So, well, they do to her what fans love to do with Shadow: squeeze the trauma out of her like a lemon, so that she can cry (yay angst!) and bond over and over again with Tangle (yay ship!).

Same goes for Tangle, even though she was by Flynn's own admission created as a replacement for Blaze and to basically be a "not like the other Sonic girls" flex lol. She used to be cute and a genuine friend. Now she's a grating womanchild with the sensitivity of a rotten pepper, but hey, as long as she keeps hugging Whisper, no one will complain! They both deserved better.

[chibivesicle]

The Ranma 1/2 remake is giving me feelings

That's right. In this era of anime remakes, Ranma 1/2 is stepping up to the plate and will be animated by Studio Mappa! I do like me some works by Mappa. I just saw the new OP for it and so much of it refers directly back to the original OP, including keeping a few key animation sequences! I dunno - I don't want to be disappointed by it but at the same time I want to watch it.

Out of all of the remakes bouncing around this one pulls at me the most. Sure, I was all on board with Sailor Moon Crystal ten years ago but Ranma 1/2 was the first manga I ever bought! The nostalgia and continued love of the series is strong within me.

It is definitely hitting different seeing that this was my first manga series ever. I put a Shampoo sticker in my Ti-34 calculator which only recently went on the fritz at the ripe old age of twenty-eight and is still in my desk at work. I have a Ranma 1/2 poster still in my old closet at my parents' house (someday I should actually, you know, grab it), I bought fan art at Anime Expo in 2022 and even this summer I got a Ranma double sided charm from a local artist at an Asian food festival who also tables at local cons/art markets. I have to admit, I got all excited for the Trigun reboot and if you've been reading along you know I was incredibly disappointed. And you also have a rough estimate of my age based on when I watched it originally as a fan sub. Yet if there is any series that can be used to date me it is Ranma 1/2 since I bought all of my manga before university. I oddly kept telling myself I'd round out the collection when I got older and had more money to complete it. I never did and it has remained a mess of the original Viz editions. Behold! The first English edition of Ranma 1/2 in the left-to-right, hand lettered, and redrawn sound effects all in English.

Volume 1 cost $16.95 when I bought it which would have worked out to a whopping $33 adjusted for inflation, with a publication date of May 1993. Purchasing those early volumes from Viz was not for the faint of heart or those with shallow pockets. This is reminding me why I never back filled volumes 5-7 within my own collection, coming in at $15.95 each. I'm pretty sure that a few of them were likely Christmas presents as well . . .

These editions are what eventually came to match the size of the Viz Signature versions like Maison Ikkoku and Gokinjo Monogatari. These are hefty books and have held up pretty well over the years.

So I now find myself in the exact same position I was in before Trigun Stampede - do I reread the manga and finish it off since I likely only read the first third of it? And then do I take the time to review the new anime from Mappa?

Unlike Trigun which required me to start from scratch having only watched the anime, I've read up to volume 12 of the original manga and filled in the gaps by watching the original anime back in 2014/2015 to around where I'd read it - I think.

One of the issues is that I have the old format for it where there are no chapter numbers like it would have run in the weekly magazine to directly compare with. Viz did a really weird format since it started out as a comic with different arcs and parts and all mine have part 1-13/14 per volume. If I'm not mistaken, there were two subsequent editions of Ranma 1/2 in English; a right-to-left reprint of the original Japanese tankobon with the sequential chapter numbers from the magazine which then was later bundled into a 2 in 1 edition also in the right-to-left format.

Going by chapter names, I'm going to check out various volumes of the 2 in 1 edition from my local library and hope they line up to cover my gaps and then continue onward from chapter 142, The Mark of the Gods.

I also read the edition which really struggled to describe okonomiyaki to a non-Japanese reader. For several years, my young mind tried to square how they were like pizza when they were made on a griddle but had lots of toppings?!?!

I still don't know why the translators chose to localize it this way. They could have simply called it a savory pancake and it would have solved a lot of reader confusion.

It wasn't until university when I was hanging out with friends that I had the chance to make real okonomiyaki (a friend's roommate was Japanese) and the first thing I blurted out was something along the lines of "Like Ukyo from Ranma!" Granted, Ukyo was one of my fav characters at the time. Anyhoo, perhaps I'll do some meta posts as I read the manga and build up to watching the new anime. I don't think I'll have it in me to compare to the original anime since I read the manga long before watching the anime here in there for about fifteen years. I'm also curious to compare the later English editions with mine to see if there are some minor differences or not. I haven't seen the solid colored books like mine since I bought them in the first place.

[magicalyaku]

After the first week of February I decided I would only read sequels. I made true on that for a few books until my library app fucked me over and didn't download Simon Snow 3 which I intended to start reading during my break at work (where I have no internet). I was so mad! 8D I was sulking afterwards and started a different book once I got home and the resolution was broken. Instead the theme of the month can easily be "I have never read so many books with adult characters in a row."

Das Verbotene Kapitel / The Lost Plot (The Invisible Library 8) (Genevieve Cogman): I honestly wasn't too invested in this. I was like for the first two days, but the writing style of this series always takes so long to read for me. I used to like it, but right now I just lack the patience. Also, it's the eighth volume. High time for it to end, really. Halfway through I switched to the audiobook to listen to while gaming and well. I'm not good at listening while doing other things. Maybe I'll pick the book up again in a few years to give the second half a proper read. I was content though with what I heard of the end.

The High King's Golden Tongue (Tales of the High Court 1) (Megan Derr): I said "I need more fantasy buhu *sad face*". And then I looked at my TBR and realised that out of 50 books only 3 have absolutely no magic, ghosts, different worlds or planets or whatsoever. Uhm. Well. Errr ... That didn't stop me from going through this recommendation list for queer fantasy books. uAu" Found this book. Sounded alright. Read the preview pages. Sounded alright. Looked it up in the library, uhuh available immediately! Borrowed it. Read it for the remainder of the day and a few hours of the night. uAu~ I can safely say I had fun reading this book. It's not fantasy with magic and creatures, just old kingdoms full of queer people. The worldbuilding is good, with all the different regions and languages being a major plot point. I liked the adventure, the characters (Sarrica's and Lesto's friendship is great), the pining. Good times!

The Pirate of Fathoms Deep (Tales of the High Court 2) (Megan Derr): The follow-up to Golden Tongue! I was unsure at first if I wanted to read the sequels (there are of 5 volumes in the series at the moment), but vol 2 is about Lesto who was my favourite character in vol 1, so no choice. It's like that 5.5 chapter of a boys love manga though. In the 5 chapters of the main story everything is tame until the bonus 5.5 chapter where they can finally do things. In High Court 1, there's exactly one smut scene. In vol 2, there's a million. And the book is only half the size! D: There is a small adventure going on and given the setting it makes sense that it progresses the way it does, but the 3 books afterwards are full length again, so why is it only this one character who gets the short one? u_u He's happy in the end, so all is well, but I would have liked a little more. I guess I have to continue reading the next volumes in the hopes to get a few glimpses. u3u

Husband Material (Forever Material in the German edtion) (Alexis Hall): After two books with middle-aged man and their (amourous) adventures, we slowly inch back to the younger generation. From end-thirties to mid-twenties! Books written by adults for adults, you know. Adult problems. Brrrr. At least, it's funny. Silly even. Was the first one this silly? I think, Oliver and Luc did well sorting through their various issues. I enjoy Luc’s narrative voice. And I loved the ending! xD It must be such a sore point for many people but I was like HELL YEAH!!!

Out of Nowhere (In the Middle of Somewhere 2) (Roan Parrish): I already read the first and third volume of this series, so reading volume 2 was inevitable even though Colin was not the most likeable character in vol 1. And well, he has issues let me tell you. Daniel of vol 1 was a mess but he managed to get a new start and build something for himself in that place. Will of vol 3 may not have the healthiest lifestyle but he was not unhappy with the direction of his life before meeting Leo. Whereas Colin is absolutely miserable and has no idea what to do about it. It was intruiging to read how he and Rafe managed. You know, there's this thing about this kind of books where the characters meet exactly the kind of person they need to survive and to thrive. Even with all the shit going on in this particular one, it's still comforting. xD

Wayward Son (Simon Snow 2) (Rainbow Rowell): The gang is 20, so it doesn't break the streak! I had fun reading this. Curiously, I liked it better than volume 1. Not quite sure why. (Maybe because of Suffering Boys.) Volume 1 was interesting in the way it felt like the 8th season of a series you haven't seen any episodes of before. Now this is the rare look at what happens to the heroes after the series ends and I'm here for it. I also found it remarkable how Baz was described as that utmost evil and ruthless being at first and turns out now he is the most loving and patient boyfriend of all times. xD

Pictures of You (Tina Winter): German author here. It's very basic in the theme and kind of predictable. But in a comforting way. Sometimes it's nice to know where everything will go so you can just lean back and enjoy the ride. The characters were pretty good and the setting was well illustrated. I mentioned last month that my visualisation abilites are not very good but I had no problem seeing the photos the protagonist takes which was pretty neet! I also very much appreciated how all the important conflicts actually happen and are resolved! That’s not a given. xD

Ring of Solomon (Aden Polydoros): I like Mr Polydoros' other books and I appreciate very much how all his books are different from each other. This one is contempory middle grade with a touch of magic. It was pretty okay, but I think it could have been a little bit deeper, a little more ambitious or challenging or complicated. Just more. Yes, it's middle grade but kids are always smarter than adults give them credit for, right? I feel, if you really want them to adore a book you have to give them something challenging that is a little bigger than themselves so that they can grow into it.

Reforged (Seth Haddon): Another gay king+knight story that made me realise I very much have a weakness for this kind of setting. xD Which is so weird because when I look through YA books and see a heroine who is a queen or princess fighting for her kingdom I immediately click away ... Well. This was a solid book. Not quite as joyful as A Taste of Gold and Iron or The High King's Golden Tongue but still solid (also it's a debut). The author clearly put thought and love into his main characters and probably the worldbuilding. Sometimes it was just written in a way that confused me at first, because the actual thing was named late. There's that other paladin guy who works alongside our hero. When he's introduced, it's written "They never got along." and then 90 pages later: "Now that XX was dead, he was his closest friend" And I was like "What?! I thought you hate each other? Did I read wrong? Let me leaf back real quick!" I mean, there is the possibility that among all those people he doesn't get along with this one is still the best but ... that's kinda sad. 8D So, there's small things like that. But the overall story and intrigue was well done I think.

Keeper of the Lost Cities 2: Exile (Shannon Messenger): I stayed at my parents's place for a few days to take care of the cats and thus my commute to work was twice as long as usual, so this came in from the library at just the right time. I listened to the audiobook though, so it was still a struggle for the first 8 hours. I'm so bad with audiobooks. 8D But the beginning was also very slow. It picked up speed around the halfway point, I'd say and also Keefe is my favourite character so I appreciated hearing more of him. I still find it a little odd how some of the characters' attitude towards Sophie is. Guys, she's only thirteen and didn't know about her powers for the longest time! How do you expect her to be perfect at everything and solve everything this very second? Geez. I'll probably continue with the 3rd volume at some point but I should really think about reading it instead of listening. :'D

On to the next month! As of writing this I already have read the best book of March, I swear. xD I’m possibly still high enough to even make a fanart happen.

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: October 2023

It's the scariest time of the year and I'm not talking about tax season. Here's how I spent the month of October!

……….FILM……….

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) Knowing practically nothing about Elvira's schtick, I was floored by how...utterly constant the jokes come at you. I later read a review that described Elvira's character as "Groucho Marx with boobs" and I couldn't put it any better. If this didn't end with a rap I'd give it a perfect score.

The Nice Guys (2016) So great. It really is a shame we didn't get more with this cast cause it's all just so great. The casual violence, the comedy, the setting, it's perfect. Between this and Barbie I'm now realizing just how perfect Ryan Gosling is at playing the beautiful idiot. "I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense," is so good. Anyway go watch it if you haven't seen it.

Detroit Rock City (1999) Does a great job of setting the tone early and commits to it through to the very end. Fun and gross and problematic...just how KISS would want it.

……….TELEVISION……….

Poker Face (Episode 1.07 to 1.08) Love that I can watch an episode or two and just kinda enjoy the ride. More episodic mysteries, please. And with Detroit Rock City, this makes October a real Natasha Lyonne month.

Love is Blind (Episode 5.01 to 5.11) Wild to discover an entire proposal/wedding got axed from the show and I'm constantly reminded that anyone who goes on a reality tv show will inevitably disappoint you.

……….YOUTUBE……….

Pop Science And The Limitations Of Infotainment by Coffee Break Really interesting breakdown of the dangers that go along with turning science into something more digestible and engaging. Well worth the watch. VIDEO

This is Financial Advice by Folding Ideas Yes I did watch a 2.5 hour dive into meme stocks. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. VIDEO

yay, modern filmmaking... by CinemaStix and The Pirates Trilogy is Pure Bliss by Just Write Clearly I enjoy watching video essays about film and these two really stood out. Both channels tend to lean towards celebrating film and media but Cinemastix's...gentle deconstruction of why the faster pace of editing in modern films can be a disservice to the artform really left an impression with me. And I'm still a big fan of the original Pirates trilogy. VIDEO (Modern Filmmaking) VIDEO (Pirates)

……….READING……….

The Tombs of Atuan by Ursula K. Le Guin (Complete) I love a good beefy novel but then you read something like this: something so lean and yet so rich, and you start to wonder why authors need hundreds of pages to tell a story. A Wizard of Earthsea didn't click with me when I first read it but I really should go back to it (as well as continue the Earthsea Cycle).

Take Ivy by Shosuke Ishizu, Teruyoshi Hayashida, and Toshiyuki Kurosu (Complete) Really great style-inspiration after listening to the podcast series dedicated to it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The IDW Collection Vol. 11 by Kevin Eastman, Tom Waltz, Damian Couceiro, and other talented illustrators and letterers (Complete) Went back to the TMNT comic after seeing Mutant Mayhem and this was such a great return to form! One of the strongest collection of stories I can remember in a while. Even the human-centric stuff (which tends to fall flat for me in this series) was interesting and just enough to work. Really great stuff.

Ultimate Spider-Man Volume 10 (HC) by Brian Michael Bendis, Stuart Immonen, and many others (Complete) I admit I've always prefered Immonen's work to Bagley's so I'm excited to finally get into his run in this reread. The Ultimate Goblins never worked for me but this volume has a really great second arc that highlights the best of Spider-Man (blending highschool drama with superhero drama).

……….AUDIO……….

Destroyer by Kiss (1976) You know I never really got into KISS and I have no idea why. I love theatrics, I love rock opera, I love a gimmick. This has all of that in spades. Needless to say I'm now a big fan.

……….GAMING……….

Oz: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) Both of my groups are in Oz this month (it is Oztober, afterall). One crew is currently sorting out drama in Munchkin District and the other is still navigating the aftermath of some magically-caused domestic terrorism.

And that’s it. See you in November!

[newpathwrites]

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 5

He pulled away then, and her hands fell away from his arms, his body language difficult to interpret. He almost seemed disappointed in a way. At her? At himself? She didn’t know.

He looked down at his feet before telling her of his failure. He hoped she’d forgive him for it.

“They took the kid.”

Summary: Meeting the Nite Owls sparks tension between Din and Rya which only grows stronger after Ahsoka’s words make Rya question the necessity of their mission. Can their bond survive this conflict? And does it even matter once the child is back again in Gideon’s hands?

Notes: Very little plot here. The focus of this chapter is on Din and Rya’s relationship, how they both view its nature, and how recent revelations about the tribe impact it.

Also in this installment- How does Din experience love, and what exactly does he feel for Rya? Was this bond once unrequited after all? And how and why did Din become so severely touch averse in his young adulthood, giving way to the lonely, isolated man we saw at the beginning of the series?

Warnings: Angst, child endangerment, grief, religious crises, shame, and discussion of sex and past sexual harassment/assault.

Word Count: 3k

Read on AO3

————————————————————

Din’s head was spinning.

He wished he could go back in time and simply ‘un’-know what he had learned on Trask… 

That other Mandalorians existed… that they shared their names and faces freely… that they had not turned their backs on Mandalore but were working toward reclaiming the planet under the direction of Bo-Katan Kryze herself… 

That his entire adult life might as well be a lie…

Rya had been unsurprised by this information, bolstered by it in a way, her longtime suspicions of deception among the tribe confirmed.

And for the first time in their decades-long friendship, Din felt truly alienated.

She was considering forsaking the Way.  

He knew her well enough to know this.  And if she did such a thing…

He would lose her… forever…

——————————

Rya felt her chest might explode with frustration.  She couldn’t shake it - the dreadful feeling that recent revelations would forge a divide between herself and her riduur.

Agreeing to disagree wasn’t going to work here.  

And she couldn’t go back to that ignorant state of her youth - one where the tribe’s directives were followed without question, always beholden to ‘The Way’.

She wouldn’t fault Din for his devotion.  It was one of his best qualities, after all.  He was the shining example of a Mandalorian, raised from childhood to fulfill this role.  In his eyes, she was the traitorous one, even if he would never say so out loud.

Try as they both might, things could not be the same.  Their warm, friendly dynamic had become strained and robotic, like two strangers stuck together in a ship too small.

And a larger wedge was yet to come…

——————————

Rya had never seen Din angry like this, voice rising in volume as he reacted to her suggestion that they drop this mission and raise Grogu as their own.  Ahsoka herself had suggested as much.

She had shushed him immediately, noting the droop in Grogu’s ears, frightened to see his trusted guardians behaving with such uncharacteristic anger, and both adults tried hard to keep their voices level and calm as the conversation continued.

“Rya, this is our task.  He belongs with his own people.”

“You heard Ahsoka, Din,” she had pleaded.  “We are his people now.”  Tears filled her eyes behind the visor as she went on.  “And it is our duty to do what’s best for him.  He’s our foundling.”

Din’s voice grew softer, understanding her struggle.  Of course, he didn’t want to give up Grogu, either.  But they could never provide the training a force-sensitive child needed.  

“Only the Jedi can give him what he really needs.  He’ll be sad for a while, but it’s what’s best for him.”  His visor turned to face her pointedly.  “I think we both know that.”

Rya was quiet for some time, trying to compose herself.  Din wasn’t wrong.  But none of this felt right.  She just couldn’t shake that sense of profound wrongness that had been eating her alive since Trask.  She considered with dark amusement if maybe she had a bit of the force in her, too.  

If so, it was definitely trying to tell her something.

She finally spoke, resigned.  “Did you set the course?”  

He nodded, sighing.  Her sadness and anger was palpable, but Din knew they needed to do this…

Right?…

——————————

Everything had gone better than expected once they reached the stone in question on Tython… in the beginning, at least...  

Despite some initial confusion, Grogu eventually managed to commune with the force or a distant Jedi or whatever it was he was doing, a protective shield forming around his small form.

But then it all quickly went to hell.  

Din found himself torn simultaneously between protecting Grogu, handling these unexpected intruders, and worrying for Rya’s safety.  He just couldn’t do it all at once.

Rya had stayed back to protect the ship.  He’d insisted, thinking her presence would make Grogu’s task more difficult.  He was regretting that decision now.

And so it was that much more painful when the Razor Crest suddenly went up in a burst of flames.

Rya… he couldn’t even think it…

It was all his fault.

——————————

The comms were effectively dead due to the electromagnetic interference of the small planet’s atmosphere.  Rya, though, was none the wiser…

“Din, we have visitors.  Head back to the ship now!”  She didn’t bother to wait for a response.  There wasn’t enough time.

She ducked behind the ramp and ran to take cover under some nearby foliage, hoping to get a better look through her scope at who or what was headed their way.  In the distance, she could see Din take off running.  Good, she thought, he must have received the message.

Rya took stock of her weapons, contemplating if it would be wise to call attention to her location at this point.  Maybe best to let these unidentified interlopers think she was still in the ship.  And if she waited for Din, they could take on this intruder together.

“Din?” she spoke quietly into her comm.  “Where are you now?  Are you close?”

If he responded then, she wouldn’t have heard it, muffled by screeching engines suddenly roaring overhead and the sound of gunfire.  What in the kriff was happening?

“Din, do you copy?!”  She was a bit frantic now.  They hadn’t been remotely prepared for an aerial attack.

Her heart lodged in her throat as an explosion rocked the ground on which she was standing, the Razor Crest engulfed in flames.

Oh, no!

Had Din and Grogu made it to the ship?  

Were they…?

——————————

Despite the shock which he’d not yet fully processed, Din knew he had to pull himself together.  Grogu was in immediate danger, and that had to be his priority.

But then he’d failed at that, too.  

He’d never felt so lonely as he did in that moment.

His entire body felt numb, but somehow his legs carried him to the crater that was once his ship.  He was terrified of what he would find there - he wasn’t ready to face the reality of life without Rya, the only family he knew.

As he got closer, he thought he must be hallucinating, an apparition of his beloved riduur materializing on the other side.

No… she was real…

“Rya…” his voice broke as her name passed his lips.

“Din…” she sobbed, willing her body to move toward where he was standing.

She reached out to embrace him and suddenly stopped, frozen, respecting his boundaries even in this utter relief and confusion, hands balling into fists in front of her to stop herself from touching him.

But he had no such qualms right now, swiftly reaching out to hold each side of her helmet and pulling her visor to rest against his own in a kov’nyn, the only one they’d ever shared outside of their marriage vows.

“You’re ok…” he repeated it like a mantra, like he was trying to convince himself that she was real and alive and here.

No longer able to resist the urge to touch him, Rya brought her gloved hands to hold his forearms, enough contact to assure her that he was real and alive, too.

“I was so worried you were…” she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“I know… I thought…” he responded, equally unable to voice his greatest fear.

But then the words came out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“I love you…”

And he froze.

Kriff… she shouldn’t have said that… no matter how true it was.  

Din didn’t do love.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”

He pulled away then, and her hands fell away from his arms, his body language difficult to interpret.  He almost seemed disappointed in a way.  At her?  At himself?  She didn’t know.

He looked down at his feet before telling her of his failure.  He hoped she’d forgive him for it.

“They took the kid.”

——————————

The next hour was a blur, suddenly taken in and offered assistance in recovering Grogu by Boba Fett and Fennec Shand.

Both Mandalorians were desperate to have a moment out of their helmets to decompress, and that’s how they found themselves finally alone together again in Fennec’s quarters, facing each other cross-legged in her bunk.

But Din had yet to truly meet Rya’s eyes.

“I’m sorry…”  His voice was terribly strained.  He’d failed her just as he’d failed Grogu.

Rya dipped her head to encourage eye contact, responding with some concern, “Din… none of this is your fault…”

He shook his head.  “If I’d just listened to you…”

“Look at me, Din.”  Rya was firm, and he finally lifted his eyes to her face.  “We couldn’t have known, and dwelling on guilt won’t help us get him back.”

She was right.  He knew that.  It didn’t stop the guilt from bubbling over, but it did stabilize his focus on the next steps.  They would get him back - that was most important.

For now, though, until they’d assembled a proper team, he needed to try and relax - reset in order to better serve Grogu when the time came to jump back into action.

“Okay… you’re right…”

They were silent for a few moments after that, a mild awkwardness settling in.  They’d shared an unusual intimacy a few hours ago, after learning that the other was alive and well in the midst of their mourning, and neither knew exactly how to proceed. 

Rya figured it was ultimately her fault, for allowing the forbidden words to cross her lips, so she broke the tension first, praying that they could move past this.

“Din… about what I said earlier…”

To her great surprise, he immediately cut her off, face impassive and tone direct.  “You think I don’t love you.”

Rya was taken aback by the pointed statement, struggling to formulate a response.  He didn’t sound angry exactly.  “Well, you’ve told me before that you don’t… feel that… so I’m sorry if my words made you uncomfortable…”

“Rya…” he sighed, more loudly than usual which was a feat.  “I told you that - what… 20 years ago?  I didn’t mean… I meant romantic love.  Not… this…”  He gestured between the two of them, clearly referring to their relationship.

“I’m sorry, Din.  I never meant to suggest that you don’t have feelings…” she apologized, “just maybe different ones...”

He reached up to run a hand through his hair.  “It’s always been clear to me that I don’t feel emotions the way other people do.  The word ‘love’ feels like… too much?  At least the way my brothers were using it back then to describe the girls they wanted to… you know…”  He shook his head, uncertain.  “But there is a kind of emotion that I know I felt for my parents that I think must be similar to what most people describe as ‘love’... and I feel that same way for you, too.”

Rya couldn’t help a small, fond grin.  These were probably the sweetest words she could hope for coming from him.

“Since we’re sharing… can I make a confession?”

He nodded wordlessly as he often did.

“When we were young, I used to fantasize about bonding…”  Rya gestured subtly in his direction.  “With you…”

Din’s initial reaction to that statement was hard to place - shocked… confused… maybe even a bit distressed…

“Oh, gods,” Rya started again, realizing that he likely misunderstood her meaning.  “I mean I hoped to bond with you so that we could just be best friends forever and forget about all the sex and romance stuff everybody else was going on about.”

The distress on his face melted into one of mild amusement - he even managed a soft chuckle.  “Well, in that case… same...  If I had to bond, then it could only be you.”

“Well, it got forced in a very unexpected way, didn’t it?” Rya huffed.  “And here we are… teenage fantasy fulfilled…”

“Here we are.”

He was quiet for a moment then, thinking.

“You know,” Din started again, clearing his throat.  “I don’t mind being alone - I’m used to it, favor it over company in most cases.  But I didn’t realize just how lonely I was without you all these years.  I hope you know it wasn’t you I was avoiding - it was everybody else.  Still, I should have come to see you more often.  I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s alright, Din,” she responded in that soothing way of hers.  “It’s my honor to be the exception to the rule.  And we’ve made up for it now I think.”  

She smiled brightly, and he returned the gesture.  Rya was never anything but genuine with him - she meant what she said, and he felt the same with all his heart.  It was a privilege to be the one she trusted.

“Can I ask you something personal?”  Her face scrunched up like she knew he wasn’t going to like whatever it was she was about to ask.

Against his better judgment, he gestured for her to go ahead.

Rya winced at her own words as they left her mouth.  “Would you tell me about Xi’an…?”

Maker… Din had always made a concerted effort to never think about that traumatic period of his life… and the reappearance of Xi’an those months ago had brought a lot of it screaming back into his psyche.  

He had never told Rya anything about what happened back then, at the very beginning of his bounty hunting career, but she had always known something had happened.  He had returned to the covert after that stint a different person - one even more withdrawn, unable to tolerate the most innocent touch, and completely repulsed by any and all intimate advances.  He socialized with Rya only and would sequester himself to his quarters at the first hint of flirtation from a female comrade.  A friendly pat on the shoulder would nearly send him into a rage.  It was like all of his ordinarily subtle and manageable tendencies had been magnified a thousand times.

Clearly, something awful had happened to him, but Rya had always been wary of questioning him about it out of fear that he might turn away from her, too.  What possessed her to speak of it now she didn’t know, but it felt like the right time to ask.  Maybe that pesky force energy was working its magic again.

Din now wore a dark expression, one she’d never before witnessed on him.

His hands balled up into fists, a sign of frustration Rya knew well, but he spoke calmly.  “I’ve wanted to tell you… about all of that… but it’s hard…”

“Oh, Din, you don’t have to…” she replied in a sympathetic tone.  “I was only curious.”

He shook his head.  “No… I want to tell you.”  

Din closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled slowly, preparing to face his darkest moments again… only this time with his most trusted confidante.  

“I did things with Ran’s crew that… they were terrible… dishonorable… and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for it.”

Rya stopped herself from reassuring him.  Din didn’t need her sympathy - he just needed her to listen.

“I was lost… I didn’t know what to do, so I just followed orders…”

Rya interjected then, bringing him back to the original question, not wanting to dip further into his self-hatred right now while the loss of Grogu was so fresh.  “Where did Xi’an come in?”

He took another long breath.  “Xi’an was not shy about her interest in me.  I kept refusing her, but she wore me down.  I was… curious back then… even though I wasn’t really interested… but I figured maybe it was worth a try - low stress, no commitment…

“What a mistake…” he huffed mirthlessly.  “I just… I couldn’t… I backed out at the last moment.  She was livid… like I’d intentionally embarrassed her… 

“She made it her mission from that point on… to get in my pants one way or another… whether it was willingly or not… She would touch me at every opportunity.  I’d wake up with her hands on me - I don’t even know how she got into the bunk.  She and Qin would ridicule my innocence over the comms during missions… and send workers to my quarters on downtime…

“One night I woke up with her over me, my helmet halfway off… And that was the last straw.  I couldn’t stay there anymore.”

Rya hummed in understanding.  “You were different when you came back to us after that.  I understand why.  You must have been terribly traumatized.  I’m so sorry, Din.  I wish I’d known…”

“I was so ashamed,” he responded, shaking his head.  “I’d dishonored our tenets.  I’d nearly had my creed broken.  And I felt so stupid… for being like I am… unable to even think about this thing other adults do every day…”

“Hey,” Rya exclaimed, tapping his foot lightly with her own.  “You have long since righted the ship.  And you are not stupid for that… there’s nothing shameful about not wanting sex.”

“I know that now,” he replied.  “Your attitude about it has actually helped me understand that.”

“My attitude?” Rya questioned.  “How so?”

He looked at the ceiling, pensive, and still a bit uncomfortable discussing this topic.  “You talk about sex like it’s just an activity… like playing sabbac… that some people like and some people don’t… It’s just a neutral thing.  It’s not shameful to enjoy it, and it’s not a personal failing to… not…”  He finally looked at her again.  “It’s a lot easier to think about it that way.”

“Well, I’m glad to have helped, then,” Rya nodded.  “And I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything.  I know it’s been difficult lately, since meeting the Nite Owls, but… I respect your dedication to the creed.  I have been questioning, but I assure you that I have no intention of turning my back on you… or our tribe.”

Deep down, despite his recent fears, Din knew that.

“You and me against the galaxy.”

Rya chuckled.  That was something they used to say to each other as children.

 “Yeah.” 

She was interrupted then by a rap at the door, followed by Fennec’s warning they were about to make landfall.  

Din took a deep breath and placed his helmet back on his head.  Rya didn’t miss his next choice of words.

“Alright.  Let’s get our kid back.”

——————————

Thank you for reading!

[animehouse-moe]

Helck Volume 3: To The Continent

Helck continues to be an utterly fascinating read into this third volume. The mysteries, the idiosyncrasies, the hinting, it's a world of information that you never expected to get. This volume proves the deceptive depth that exists within hell. That when you just though it a puddle it becomes a pond, and when you settle into the idea of it being a pond, it up and turns into a lake, and so on and so forth. Just how deep does Helck's story and world go?

Where or where to begin? There's a lot of oddity going on with this story, but I think I'll start with Vermilio. Or, well, maybe Vermillio. I say maybe, because well, the witch of the island that Helck and Vermilio looks a lot like Vermilio.

The getup hides a lot of it, but they have the same ears and eyes. The way the bangs fall is different, but the way their hair frames their faces they look very similar. Plus, the witch is shown on the cover for Vol. 3 and they've got red hair.

I don't really think Helck was ever really trying to keep it a mystery, but more so to force it into the minds of readers as to why there's another version of Vermilio that's effectively become a patron of the island.

It's really interesting in that regard, because the gears start turning and realizations and theories spring to mind. Like, did Witch Vermilio wait to invite current Vermilio and Helck to her home only after she knew Azudra's letter and information would show up? It's an incredibly convenient development, and one that feels perfectly masked by someone that already knew what would occur, and acted to preserve the timeline.

And then there's things like her comment about the Corstag, though it's referred to by it's JP name, Shiikango, in the fan translation. Quick little side note there, it's written in Katakana to denote that it's separate from its origins, but it's a clever mixing of the word for deer (shika) and the second kanji for coral (sango). Anyways, given that Helck fished one up before, the knowledge and importance of the Corstag is a really interesting piece.

And then there's the inclusion of Witch Vermilio's comment on ruins. Which, funny enough, current Vermilio and Helck pass over (not the same, but ruins nonetheless).

And to top it all off, they know of all the conditions awaiting Helck and Vermilio on their journey back. It's almost like Witch Vermilio is a version of Vermilio that had a similar timeline up until being sent through the gate to that island, and learned all of this information on their own.

It's a very interesting proposition to have, and speaks to the overall breadth and scope of this story. Just where does it end and begin? People are being resurrected, Kings wield unimaginable power, and a human wants to become the Demon King. It's far more interesting than a synopsis or even the first volume or two could express. Sure, you could get hooked with that first or second volume, but I feel like the longer you read it's almost the more likely you are to really enjoy the series.

Anyways, moving on, let's go towards Helck and Kings. It's no secret that this story's system of power and ability is rather... fluid. Azudra actually addresses this piece rather well, as he's both the weakest and strongest of the four heavenly kings in the demon empire.

Centering back on Helck and Kings though, we get a pretty solid piece of information in regards to the human king: they wear a similar headband to Helck. I've already gone and checked, and no, it's not the same headband as Helck's brother. Regardless, the significance remains that the King is wearing the headband of a hero, when those roles are typically separate.

I guess I should probably spill the beans first on why this is a big deal: the King of humans is effectively resurrecting the souls of his warriors that are on a path to awakening as heroes. It's an incredibly broken system that effectively lets them overpower whoever so long as the king remains.

But bringing it back to the Hero/King conversation, Azudra ever so kindly drops readers information in regards to how the roles are viewed. They're both an ideological and conceptual position, that are earned rather than given.

It's a simple, but arguably incredibly important piece of dialogue that we see pop up down the road with a group of barbarians. Their leader claims to be their "king", but exposition from beforehand removes that option as a possibility.

A sudden rise in power as a "king" is separate from what we know as the "rule" (thanks to Azudra), and true to form, the approach of this barbarian "king" differs from the usual as well. Rather than support and empower his people, he augments his own strength and ability.

Even more interesting though is what follows this sequence. The "king" continues to augment himself further and further, burning up his very life force in the pursuit of power.

Talks of ruins, potential time travel, unimaginable power bestowed on people that never wielded it before. The whole thing reeks of someone in the shadows. Someone gave this "king" his power, in the same way that the Human king gave his soldiers their powers.

Of course, Helck wouldn't be Helck without being Helck, so we take a detour just for fun in the form of a cooking contest. It's a perfectly nostalgic form of hamfisting, but not for filler or to string things along, but just to have fun and mess with readers.

It's an incredibly fun parody of food manga and scratches all the right places. It also just comes at the right time in general, a perfect piece to break up Vermilio and Helck's journey back to the demon empire, without making it overly dramatic/actioney or incredibly boring.

And the last little bit I'll leave, is that Nanao sensei is very good at implicitly diversifying this world. The three cooks in this image are shown as the same species, thanks to the ears they all have. Sometimes it's far more obvious than that, but other times it's really subtle pieces that tie characters together, like the man that sells the map, and the woman that sings stories of old countries.

It's a very easy piece to miss (though the manga forces you to make the connection later), but together it paints a very curious picture. These two are the survivors of one of the countries that came to ruin that Helck and Vermilio are heading towards. A very interesting little piece for sure, it presents many questions as to why they didn't say anything more to the pair before.

Regardless of that though, Helck and Vermilio are in for a big challenge, as they face off against Augis Augis from the woman's song.

What I find really curious here is that Vermilio has the same fear/anxiety that she had when facing off against the Barbarian "King", even though it's a different opponent. What is this power that's able to transform people? Augis Augis is noted to be a good man in the song, but coated in that darkness that will destroy all. It makes me believe that Augis Augis fell prey to a similar situation as the Barbarian "King". So what's the endgame? Who's doing this? Both are questions that we seem to be careening towards as the search for the next Demon King takes twist after twist.

Helck really is something else as a read. You think it's just going to be a parody the whole way through, and then it turns dark. Then it decides to shake things up even more, before settling into that new status quo to explore its depths. It's one thing after another that Helck piles on its list of accomplishments/feats, not all that dissimilar to Helck himself.

[otakween]

Digimon Adventure (Manga) - Vol. 5 (Final volume)

Okay, now that I've finished the manga (or, manhua I guess), I can safely say: don't bother! Reading this was a chore. The only thing I got out of it was the occasional nice bit of art or cheesy dialogue to laugh at. Other than that, they completely butchered the pacing/storytelling/essentially any charm the anime had. It's all par for the course with these kinds of money hungry releases.

Ch. 29

-Pinochimon calls TK "the boy in the ridiculous hat" which made me really look at TK's hat for the first time lol. It actually is kind of weird looking. My brain always read it as one of those winter hats with ear flaps, but giving it a closer look it's more like a hat that a cleric would wear in a JRPG or something. Why does it have a gem on it?

-Pinochimon's gun isn't censored in the manga! They didn't show TK holding a gun though, so I guess the original JP anime is still the most hardcore viewing experience lol

Ch. 30

-I simultaneously dislike the "the group breaks up" part of the story but it also feels necessary. It would be pretty unrealistic if everyone was just blindly gung-ho about being the "chosen children" for the whole series, so I like that it shows the inner doubt/turmoil.

-I had completely forgotten about that "spirit talks through Kari" bit. I don't think they ever fully explain what that is...? Very contrived.

Ch. 31

-Sadly they killed of Pinochimon in like two seconds which means we don't get to see his fight with MetalEtemon. That was like the only good part about Etemon coming back!

-For whatever reason, they decided to call the mecha version of Pinochimon's house "Housemon." Sure, why not. The part never really made sense anyways. I double checked the digimon fan wiki and the house is not considered a digimon in the anime. Continuity!

Ch. 32

-If Leomon can digivolve into SaberLeomon due to being "bathed in the light of the digivice," then there's no reason the kids shouldn't go around trying that on all of their ally digimon. Just sayin'

-In one panel, Machinedramon looked like he had a huge dick lol. I had to google a character reference to realize that it was his knee, oops...

Ch. 33

-This chapter was just one (or rather two) big battles. The action and drama was somewhat ruined by the cheesy dialogue. Tai literally says "Guys, rage against the machine!" and Machinedramon says "deus ex machina, fool!" What is this, an abridged series??

-WarGreymon looks pretty goofy with his armor shattered at the end there. I don't remember that visual being in the anime.

Ch. 34

-This chapter was terrrrible. They shoved like 5 episodes of content into 20-ish pages and nothing had any emotional impact. The whole "Matt and Gabumon in a cave" bit was especially weak. Matt's like "I'm sad," Gabumon says "you're not yourself!" and then Matt's like "Oop, you're right, I'm fine!" in about 3 panels. There's also a narrator textbox being like "we later found out that some evil force made Matt feel that way." Total waste of time. If they're not going to treat the emotional beats with respect, don't bother even adapting them.

-The fact that they gave Pinocchimon little voodoo dolls of the characters and then Piedmon has keychains that look pretty much the same. Pretty redundant...

-We were cheated out of LadyDevimon in manga form :'(

Ch. 35

-Dull, rushed, anticlimactic and devoid of emotion. I sincerely hope no one read this manga before watching the anime, that would probably ruin the whole series for them lol.

-Since this was written post 02 Gennai is like "bye kids, the next batch of digidestined will take care of the rest!" I feel like that goes along with my whole "digidestined have to be a certain age and then they graduate" theory. Either that or the digital world is just nice and doesn't want to trouble the same kids twice? Who knows...

[raebaekaedae]

SCWR Short: “Diamond in the Rough”

Series: SCWR Shorts Rating: PG-13 (Foul Language) Takes Place: During Volume 1, between Episodes 3 and 4 Summary: (1,589 words) “After an unforeseen schedule change, Haddy finds himself with an afternoon off. Deciding to use his time wisely, he tries to navigate the confusing halls of Beacon Academy to find a weapons lab to tune up Sleigh... instead, he finds two of his classmates...”

Why must Beacon Academy be set up like a maze? Never in his life did Hadrian think he would ever miss the rigid, overly organized, structured planning of Atlas… but here he was, turning corners in vain as he wandered around like an idiot. All he wanted to do was tinker around with his rifle, but that meant having to find the Weapons Lab, which was hidden away somewhere within the bowels of the Huntsman Academy…

It was a Friday, but his afternoon classes had been canceled after Mrs. Heather and her assistant, Mr. Port, were called away to deal with a minor grimm attack outside the city. Robyn and Ryder were playing videogames in their shared dorm and Monroe claimed she had some errands in Vale that needed attending, leaving just after lunch. So, he was free to finally roam and explore, deciding that the first thing on his list was to try to buff out some of the scratches on Sleigh’s stock.

After finally finding a holographic map that he could download to his scroll, Haddy could navigate to his target… on the fifteenth floor. No wonder he couldn’t find it. 

Opting out of the stairs, Hadrian stepped out of the elevator and into the hall. It was the same as every other hallway in Beacon, but the classroom doors were spaced further apart from one another. He peeked into the first open door he saw, finding a large, open training room with a complex, aerial obstacle course; that could be fun to try out later. With a smile, he continued on, reading each nameplate as he passed.

As he came closer, he could hear voices in conversation. Hadrian’s shoulders slumped as he quietly sighed, he’d really hoped that he’d have the Lab to himself. It sounded like only two people. If the Lab was as large as the other rooms on this floor, he could probably just sneak in and take a station in the corner.

“... I’m just saying, Golden Boys makes more sense…” one voice said with a very slight, but deeper drawl.

There was a chuckling scoff as the other voice, much more beautiful and smooth, but definitely also masculine, “That could be for any of us. That could be our whole team’s nickname for all we know. Chatterley’s Knights sounds so much more sophisticated.”

“Did you even read that book?” the deeper voice asked, exasperated, seemingly offended by the mere suggestion. 

“Of course not,” the other laughed, “That’s what I have you for…”

There was a brief pause, before the deeper voice flatly said, “You’re trying to distract me, aren’t you?”

“Mmmm… if you lose your train of thought, we can leave.”

By this point, the husky had reached the door to the Lab. It was cracked open, allowing the sound to roam free– and entry if his feet would move– but Hadrian just stood outside dumbly staring at the door with a raised brow. He knew the voices inside, they belonged to one of his quite popular classmates and said classmate’s teammate. However, the tone they were using made him question whether or not they’d welcome him in right now…

The deeper voice purred back, “If that’s your plan… you know so many better ways to make me lose my mind…”

Okay. Nope. He was not doing this today.

Hadrian turned on his heel to walk back to the elevator in embarrassed silence. He hadn’t even taken a step before his scroll went off, the loud cawing of Qrow’s text message alert screaming through the crystal quiet hallway. He froze, tensing up as he refused to turn his head back towards the now silent Lab. 

After a long moment, the deeper voice muttered under his breath, “Shit…”

“You can come in,” the, now embarrassed, softer voice said.

With a short grumble of his own, the dark-haired faunus pushed his way in through the open door, sticking his hands as deep into his pockets as he could as soon as he was inside, letting the heavy door close behind him. A few stations into the Lab were two blond boys. Gene Aurum and Lambert Aur of Team GOLD. Lambert was sitting in a roller chair, his katars disassembled on the workbench in front of him. They were out of his reach as Gene was sitting on the table blocking his view.

Lambert was slightly shorter than Ryder, but almost as lanky as Hadrian. He was very well toned with tight, compact muscle built to dance around foes and deal blows rather than avoid them despite his height. He had his arms crossed against his chest with a thin-lipped frown scowling his face with lines. He had shoulder-length, curly, dusty blond hair that he usually kept tied up in a tiny, high ponytail with the rest flowing down. 

Gene, on the other hand, was drop-dead gorgeous. He was easily the most popular guy at Beacon because of his stunning beauty and charm, not to mention his fighting capabilities. His blond hair was brighter and a tad longer than Lambert’s, usually held up elegantly with a braid or two thrown in. His skin was tanned and flawless. Average height, a body sculpted from marble, and thighs that Ollie would have KILLED for. He usually wore a small amount of makeup to brighten his already stunning face, highlighting his killer cheekbones, jawline, and beautiful amber eyes.

Had Hadrian not found out about “Diamond in the Rough” before he met Gene, he would have died at the mere sight of him. It did make his heart ache just slightly from time to time when he saw him in class though.

Like, seriously, the man looked like how Haddy imagined a male version of Aphrodite would look. 

And that wasn’t even getting into the model of a man’s personality and charm. How could one person be so perfectly beautiful, both on the inside and–

Focus. Bi-panic later. 

He must have been lost in his thoughts a LOT longer than he thought because both of the golden boys were staring at him with crossed arms now. Haddy quickly motioned back towards the door and stammered out, “I was just coming to do some work, but I don’t want to interrupt, so I’ll just be going…”

“Wait!” Gene called, reaching out to stop him, “Uh, would you do us a favor and… not mention this to anyone?”

Lambert scoffed, throwing his head back before he flicked it over to Gene and harshly stated, “Oh c’mon. Of course, he’s gonna tell. He just transferred here, he has absolutely no friends or street cred, no life– I mean, seriously, it’s a Friday afternoon and he’s in the Weapons Lab– and now he has the world’s biggest scoop on the most popular dude in school? We’d be lucky if the whole school, Ozpin included, didn’t know before dinner.”

“A. Ow,” Haddy stated, a little dumbfounded by the blond’s bluntness, “B. Rude. C. I’m not a dick, I’m not gonna out anyone. D. What do you mean no life? You’re here too, and you have a freaking boyfriend you could be out on a date with right now–” Which got a short, hardy laugh out of Gene, “– And E. Why does it matter? Everyone already knows?”

Again, Lambert snorted in irritation, “Wow, you really are new here. Dude, no one knows.”

He felt his brow furrow as he turned to Gene. The handsome blond nodded, agreeing with his boyfriend as he hopped down from the table, “I appreciate that you won’t say anything, but, Lamb’s right. Ru and Doron– our teammates– don’t even know.”

Hadrian stared in disbelief for a beat-and-a-half, almost letting his jaw drop, before he quickly snapped back to reality and explained, “You– You guys do know my dorm is right beside yours, right? We share a wall.”

“Yeah?” Gene replied, confused, “What does that have to do with anything?”

Again, the husky just gaped for a minute before he stated the obvious, “Uh, I live with Monroe.”

He watched in slight amusement as all the color drained from both their faces instantly, realizing that Monroe had probably known for a LONG time about their relationship given her semblance. Lambert quickly stammered out, “Cade wouldn’t say anything! Hell, she didn’t say anything to us.”

“Yeah, but, we share a room with Robyn and Ryder too.”

“Oh shit.”

Hadrian smiled softly, adding, “I know I haven’t been here for too long, but I’ve been here long enough to know that Robyn has an extremely hard time not talking, and Ryder isn’t very good at keeping secrets...”

Lambert ran a hand through his hair as he sighed, “We are so screwed…”

“Um,” the husky added, “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure it’s just our class that knows.”

“That would explain why Pygmy stopped hitting on me in second year…” Gene muttered. 

“... And why Doron and Rupert never seem to bother us on a date night…” Lambert added.

With a smile, Hadrian turned back to leave the pair to grapple with the fact that their secret relationship was the worst kept secret in all of Beacon, pausing as he looked back and said, “Oh, and it’s not Golden Boys or Chatterley's Knights, by the way.”

When the blonds looked up, Haddy smirked, “It’s Diamond in the Rough. That’s what we called you guys…”

Without another word, he walked out, catching Lambert’s drawl just before the door closed, “Wait. Who’s the Diamond and who’s the Rough??” followed by Gene’s howling laughter.

[re-readingcomics]

Comics Read 06/14- 25/2023

Over this period of time I read the first two collected volumes of Lumberjanes, “Beware the Kitten Holy” and “Friendship to the Max”. These written by ND Stevenson and Grace Ellis, the art is by Gus Allen, colors by Maarta Laiho and letters by Aubrey Aiese. Shannon Watters is also credited as a creator.

This is an example of series that I know I am supposed to love, but I don’t really like. I read the first four or five issues as floppies as they came out back in 2014. I did not love them and wondered why. Was I just too old for this all ages comic? Did having to wait a month between issues take from my enjoyment because I did not feel things cumulatively? I gave the first issue away to a kid I was baby sitting to see if it was an age thing. She declared it “too scary” and lost the physical issue. I sold the rest in my eBay store  and decided to trade wait to see if it was more enjoyable without the monthly issues. While I did buy these two volumes, part of me thought this was silly and didn’t continue and then waited almost a decade to actually read them. I should just accept that there are some popular things that I don’t like. 

Now that I am even older, I am better at admitting that. Between then and now ND Stevenson’s other Nimona, and I think some of the things that rub me the wrong way about Lumberjanes were also present there. The characters act like they are fans of the series in which they are staring. They get excited about upcoming plot points like they would for reading or watching something, not as something they are going to live through. Part of why I find this off putting is they get excited like this so early that I have not gotten to a point where I care enough to be excited.

The format of each issues is to start with a page of the Lumberjanes Handbook. This handbook page ends mid sentence and then the story begins in media res, though not necessarily picking up where a cliff hanger left off. The final page of the issue also has a page of the handbooks this time with photos of the campers. The floppy versions included playlists created by the characters, but that did not get included with my trade paperbacks.

The plot of these volumes involves campers, their counselor who they always frustrate, and something supernatural going on in the woods. When the cause of these magical events  is finally explained it felt like an excuse for action without plot. It must be fun for someone else. 

Allen’s art style is very like Stevenson’s. It is purposefully simple and child like. The colors are vivid and include a pretty wide palette for mostly flat colors. (That’s not a criticism, building depth through color would have been wrong for this kind of art.) The character designs are distinct enough to that various artist did impressive cover variants collected in the back that are all in their own distinct styles. But for the most part I didn’t feel like the characters were stood out as individuals. They are broadly drawn, but we learn so little of them in these volumes. Maybe this is a result of the issue structure? Also there is a reoccurring bit about Jen, the counsellor and only Black character in the book, being incorrectly named by Rosie the head of the camp. This is like the joke on Fringe about Walter never calling Astrid by her correct name, that the actress Jasika Nicole later admitted made her feel awful as a minority. It seems like it comes to a stop a the end of the second volume. And I hope it did, because it’s not fun to read.

[adrasteaeydiate]

Exitus Letalis series by KattLett / Mishka/ Michalina Daszuta

So it's a 7 volume series in Polish language ( + spinoff , webcomic ExReprise which is also in English), first volume was published in 2014 but I discovered this series more than moth ago and since then I have AN OBSESSION like no other in my entire life, like I've never felt this way before

The Exitus Letalis series (Exitus Letalis, Exitus Letalis Kaleidoscope and ExReprise on Patreon) has been with me for a long time now and I will say this - when one day I decided to order all 5 volumes and later buy another 2 volumes of Exitus Letalis Kaleidoscope, I felt that I wouldn't be disappointed (initially I regretted not focusing on the series earlier, from the very beginning, but later I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to wait for the release of the next volumes, and the natural continuation in the form of my beloved ExReprise was cherry on the top).

I fell in love with Exitus Letalis from the first volume, and as I'm a person who really gets emotionally involved in reading a book/manga/comic that I like in any way, it was definitely a wild ride and an emotional rollercoaster, liters of tears and a feeling as if I was in a kind of trance, in totally different world (every moment without a volume in my hand was torture), it will also be true to say that I felt shaken by some of the events. Despite specific events related to individual characters, I can say that each of them is special to me (although Eva and Ourell will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be my top pick because how they fit together, the energy between them and the bond they have is MORE THAN WONDERFUL AND I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE TWO AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM TOGETHER AND THEY BOTH DESERVE ALL THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP ♥️♥️♥️)

The message here definitely deserves to be emphasized, what the author wanted to show and convey to us not only in the main series but also in ExReprise, especially when it comes to mental health ( here is also a message from me that if you feel that you cannot cope with emotions or difficult events in your life, don't be afraid to ask for help) , dealing with trauma, the importance of working on yourself and building healthy relationships, as well as what life is like when you are in a toxic, manipulative relationship. Of course, this is not everything, but the author's discussion of such important topics is one of the factors that prove the uniqueness of the entire Exitus Letalis series.

Undoubtedly, the Exitus Letalis series will remain in my memory for a long time, and in my heart forever - it has had a special place there from the very beginning.

And now I'm waiting IMPATIENTLY for the last ExReprise chapter ( ExReprise 30) which will be posted on Patreon on October 31st AND IF I MANAGE TO STAY TILL THAT TIME IT WILL BE A MIRACLE BECAUSE AFTER THE PREVIEWS AND SHORT SCENES FROM THIS CHAPTER I FEEL AS IF I WAS ABOUT TO EXPLODE OR BREAK INTO A THOUSAND PIECES OR COLLAPSE (WHO KNOWS KNOWS WHY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH)

[annwrites]

⸻ sons & daughters. part five. ⸻

· pairing: cregan stark x velaryonprincess!reader · type: part of a series · summary: your heart is broken multiple times in one day & just when you feel at the end of your rope—unable to take anymore—your heart is mended by another's loving, steady hands. · word count: 7,815 · ꒰a/n꒱: gif

When you wake the next morning, it is with a sense of belonging. For the first time in all your life.

A contended smile spreads across your lips as you snuggle further into your furs.

Furs which still smell of him.

Last night, you had begun to drift off in Cregan’s arms, your body feeling light and warm, so he had picked you up and carried you over to your bed, so you might rest.

He’d bent down, pressing a kiss to your forehead, then brushing one over your lips, and as soon as he made to step away, you’d reached out for him, grabbing his fingertips, and asked him to stay.

He’d not refused. Instead, he had laid down next to you, wrapping you in his arms once more as the two of you continued to share soft kisses and gentle touches before you closed yours eyes for the night.

After breaking your fast, even if you had felt too excited to eat, Alia helps you dress. Afterward, you hug her with joy, to which she is quite taken aback, but she only laughs and tells you that you are welcome and she then leaves you.

You begin to open the door to your room, wishing desperately to seek Cregan out, just to be near him. Wherever he goes today—whatever he does—you only want to be beside him during.

And that is when you hear the news.

Your door is open no more than a crack—barely, at that—and you watch in silence at two older men go walking by.

“Yes, Lord Stark is most certainly considering a betrothal to the Lady Blackwood. It would do well to have such an arrangement in the possible wars to come. Their forces joined with ours would add volume to our ranks.”

The second man hums. “He has ruminated on the offer for some time. I believe it bodes well, however, that he has not rejected it outright. He is, instead, as always, acting with caution and measured thought. The loss of the Lady Arra was keenly felt by all, but it is time.”

You softly shut your door, pressing your forehead to it as your stomach twists so painfully it makes you wince—your bowels turning to water.

You’d trusted him. How…how could you have done such a thing?

Why did you not listen to Jace instead? He's a young man himself, and thus knows their ways of thinking.

Lord Stark had played you quite well, like that of a game of Cyvasse.

He’d slowly drawn you in by bestowing you with his attentions—pretending that he cared—and then had given you small touches and suggestive comments to preen your interest, showering you with gifts and compliments, until your head was spinning and you couldn’t think straight. Or, until all you could think of was love.

You had been raised in King's Landing of all places. What, then? Had you truly—in a matter of only a handful of days—forgotten how to read someone when they are lying to you?

And he had spoken of honor.

Mayhaps he has it, but not when it comes to you.

No. Never you.

And you'd let him into your bed. Nothing had happened—not yet—but now… Now you understood why he had asked for ‘more time’. More time to wrap you round his finger until he was able to finally claim what he desired from you, only to then marry another.

No one will ever want you for love.

You should’ve never started believing otherwise. Not for a day, or a moment.

Coming here had been a great mistake. You regret ever having met him now.

Tears sting your eyes and bile rises in your throat as you think of last night. You, seated in his lap as you allowed his hands to wander.

Whore.

That is what you are.

First, you had permitted Aemond to touch you in such ways—had let him to whisper and insinuate vile things toward you—and just allowed it—because you had actually enjoyed it.

You are not a princess who possesses self-respect. You are instead… You are your mother’s daughter. A mother who has now bedded how many men? You have her disposition.

Don’t you?

Harlot.

You squeeze your eyes shut, struggling to breathe. The room is too cramped. Too crowded. You feel like you are suffocating.

You wrench your door open, needing to be outside. You’ll go to the Godswood. You want to be alone. You begin to mentally pray that he stays away from you.

You need think on how best to word to Jace that you wish to go home now. You won’t tell him anything about Lord Stark because, no matter what has transpired between the two of you, you all need the northern army.

You will tell him that you are not faring well in this northern weather. That you have changed your mind. Going to the Wall would be—at least for you—ill-advised. A foolish thing to consider in the first place, as it is not a place for women. You will thus not intrude.

You nearly slip going down the stairs which lead into the Great Hall, but catch yourself, choking back a sob, your heart having jumped into your throat.

You walk briskly toward the doors which lead outside, and then with bleary eyes, step out. You lower your head, refusing to meet anyone’s gaze.

Alone.

You want to be left alone.

You wrap your arms round yourself, having forgotten your cloak.

You do not want the one he purchased for you now, knowing it is a lie. Same as the items he’d procured for you yesterday.

You will leave them behind when you go. You want nothing more from him.

It is just as you are about to pass the stables that you hear a young man calling for you. “Princess Y/N!”

You quickly wipe hot tears from your cheeks before turning back to him, refusing to meet his eyes.

“A raven came for you,” he states, holding a scroll toward you.

You gingerly take it from him with a slight nod. “Thank you.”

When Cregan emerges into the yard, a broad smile crosses his lips just at the mere sight of you.

Gods, how good it had felt to have you in his arms the night last.

You, curled into his side, tucked close with furs all around you as you dreamt—one of your soft, dainty hands resting over his heart, which now belongs wholly to you.

He had laid there for awhile—a long while (So long, in fact, that he had nearly fallen asleep beside of you, but refused to, even if he'd desperately wished for as much. He would not risk a servant, or even your brother—his new close friend—finding him with you in such a state, ruining your reputation; it means far too much to him. You do.)—imagining each night for the rest of his days being that way.

To have you lain bare beside him as he runs his rough hands along your soft body, telling you how beautiful and dear you are to him—that he will spend the rest of his days caring for and protecting you—he can imagine no finer fate.

The Gods blessed him by sending you to him.

You are meant to be together as one.

Now and always.

He had worried for so long after Arra passed that his grief would never cease, until it eventually turned to numbness. But when he set eyes upon you that first day as you looked around you in wonder at his home, his body awakened once more. After that, he could do naught else but think of you.

The morning he sparred with Jace, his irritation had partially been due to finding out you mayhaps loved another, yes, but also due to his advisors. If he heard the name 'Black Aly' one more time, he'd been sure he would fly into a black rage.

And he nearly had.

He didn't wish for her. He wished for genteelness. And there you were before him at last.

Cregan only manages not even a handful of steps in your direction before he stops, his brows furrowing as he watches your disposition suddenly change.

You stare down at a piece of parchment within your hands, looking at it in disbelief—near-agony—before turning your face upward, staring into the sky as if you're looking for...explanation. For something.

He needs to know what has happened.

And then you nod softly, looking forward again, a final look of resignation crossing your features as you quickly wipe tears angrily from your cheeks, a scowl settling onto your lips as you head toward the training yard.

Jace's smile quickly fades as he sees you heading toward him looking...not yourself. Pale, angry, utterly upset.

"Sister, what is—"

You hold out the missive toward him and he takes it with furrowed brows, waiting for you to say something—anything—but you instead remain silent, staring at him, waiting for him to read.

And so he does, his expression morphing into incredulity and then horrification. He begins to shake his head rapidly, his eyes meeting your own once again.

"This—this cannot be."

"It is."

"You cannot mean to—"

"I do."

He steps closer to you. "Dalton Greyjoy is a mad-man—a bloodthirsty beast. He already has over two score wives!"

You snatch the piece of parchment from him, quickly rolling it up and clutching it in a tight grip. "And now he will have yet one more."

You clench your jaw before continuing. "He has promised to make me his rock wife—his one true bride."

"They—they call him the Red Kraken, do you not know why?!"

"Because he is a fierce warrior of the Iron Islands. We will need men like him in the wars to come."

"You are better than this," he tries to insist.

And it is then that you snap. "This is what I am!" You shout, shaking the correspondence held tightly within your fist.

You force yourself to quiet, now that curious eyes are looking your way.

"He has a fleet of ships and fearless reavers. They will do us well against the Greens."

"We have a fleet through Lord Corlys," he snaps back.

"And now we shall have a larger one. As of this moment, I consider myself Lord Greyjoy's betrothed. He desires a princess, so a princess he shall have."

He shakes his head, grabbing your arm, desperate to talk you out of this.

You are not thinking clearly.

"You will be miserable there. You...you will waste away at Pyke as—as lonely and—"

You take a step back, yanking your arm from his grip. "As you said, he has a great many wives. Plenty to share in my misery. We shall do so together."

"What of Cregan? I had thought that the two of you...that something more was developing."

Your eyes turn hard, hateful. "We have nothing. He is our ally. That is all. I cannot wait for a proposal that will never come. I have one here and now, and I must take it before another claims him as their Lord Husband instead."

He scoffs, shocked at your flippant attitude toward a man he had been sure he had seen you only a day past looking at with love.

"I need you to promise me that come first light tomorrow you will return me to Dragonstone to inform mother that I have accepted and must be delivered at once to Pyke."

Tears sting his eyes. His sister. His twin. He...he can't just let you do this.

"Sister, please—"

"Promise me, Jace, or I will make arrangements myself."

There is a terse silence, and then he nods in surrender.

You turn to walk away then, unable to discuss it any further.

It is done.

"I had merely hoped for better prospects for you," he calls softly from behind you.

You stand with your back to him for just a moment as you quickly reply. "Better isn't coming, Jace. War is. And we must all play our part."

You continue on, mumbling, with a sneer, "Including me."

Cregan stumbles back at your words, hiding himself in the armory, eavesdropping through a window as you renounce yourself—your future—to one where you will be tore to a thousand pieces until not a single whole one remains.

All in the name of what? Your family winning a sea-faring battle or two?

You had said the two of you had nothing. Why...why would you think such a thing? Mayhaps because he had asked for time, and in this moment, you filled with doubt toward him.

No one will ever want me for love.

He has now made you think of him as just one more man who sees you as only what you are, instead of who. All the touches and suggestive looks...

Oh Gods, what has he fucking done?

He's about to lose you.

The future which he had envisioned, between waking fantasies and sleeping dreams now rests upon a precipice. One you are about to step over the edge of, never to return to him.

The thought of you there in one of those towering castles over the sea, staring out the window, empty and hopeless and heartbroken with not a single soul to save you from not just him, but yourself—a nightmarish fate—he can't bear the thought.

He clutches his chest, coughing, his heart squeezing painfully. An all-too familiar feeling he'd thought he'd long moved past some time after Arra's passing, but it returns to him now at the thought of you walking away from him. From the North.

It's your home now. It's meant to be. You are supposed to remain here where you most belong. The Gods themselves had ordained it.

He looks down to the scroll protruding from his pocket, meant to be flown to your mother to ask her for your hand, and he knows: his time to do things right by you has already run out in an instant.

There will be no asking her now, but instead you.

Your wishes are all that matter in this moment.

He has to save you. He...he has to keep you where you are loved and wanted and safe.

He steps out, heading back inside, knowing what he must now do.

Once you have returned to your chambers, you lock the door and step swiftly over to your wardrobe, ripping gowns from the hangers—you hear one tear, but care not—and begin stuffing them into the bag you had brought with you.

You angrily wipe gathering tears from your bleary eyes as you grab your shoes from beneath your bed and pack them away as well.

And then you spot it. The cloak he had gifted you.

You swipe it from the back of the settee and make to throw it into the fire, but pause, your fist hovering just before the flames, the black material softly swaying.

You then cry out in frustration and toss it into a corner.

No one will ever want you for love.

You throw your bag so hard against a chair that it scoots a few inches across the floor.

You then bury your face in the mattress and scream, clutching the sheets, the furs, losing yourself.

You gasp for air, hand settling over your abdomen as you try to calm it, fearing you may be sick.

No one will ever want you for love.

You tear at the back of your gown, you rip the sleeves off, as well as the neckline and it finally pools at your feet. You crawl into bed then and cry yourself back to sleep.

No one will ever marry you for love.

Your brows furrow.

You...you're not meant to be here. You don't want to be. Why have you returned to the Red Keep?

You step closer to a window. Snow...in the south and during the summer. Something isn't right.

Mama.

You turn down one hall and then another, until you finally reach your royal apartments.

When you step inside, she's there, but so is Daemon, the two of them twined around one another, their grasping hands dripping with blood.

"M-Mama?"

Her expression is that of indifference when she looks upon you.

Daemon smirks as he glances across the room. "You may call me father now instead."

You follow his line-of-sight and gasp, stumbling backwards, knocking something over.

A charred body lies half-inside the room's hearth, and not but a few feet from it, a golden cloak with a pile of ashes atop it.

Laenor. Harwin.

No.

No.

Not them.

Please not them.

You begin to wildly shake your head as you turn, yanking against the door's handle and when you emerge back into the hall, it has changed.

You're...you're in Winterfell, aren't you?

Dark wooden walls, braziers flickering softly, the howl of a wolf in the distant night.

"Cregan," you whisper to yourself.

He will help you.

You begin racing down the halls, heart beating wildly, unable to get that horrid sight out of your head.

And then you come to his door and you know you are safe.

You knock softly, and you hear feet padding toward you.

It opens.

"What is she doing here?" You hear a woman call from behind him as he stares down at you in irritation.

"I don't want you here," he says through clenched teeth.

You whimper in fear, tears stinging your eyes. "But—"

A lithe young woman comes around the side of him, raven-black curls falling over her shoulders, her form completely naked.

She glances to you with disinterest and then to Cregan. "Come back to bed. Forget about her."

He smiles, cupping her cheek, and nodding as he slams the door in your face.

You choke back a terrified sob, having no idea where else to now go.

No one wants you.

No one.

No one will ever want you for love.

You need to steal a horse and ride south.

To King's Landing.

Aemond.

Aemond wants you.

You will go to him. He loves you. Doesn't he?

Then perhaps we steal away in the dark of night, married in secret by a septon, you hear whispered in your ear from an indeterminable location.

Let us finally be free of our gilded cages, beloved niece. Together, he continues; you feeling familiar hands then holding you safely.

Yes.

Free.

You will be. Together. Just like he said.

"Sister, you must wake."

You go to swat Jace's hand away from your shoulder. "Leave me be, Jace. I wish to rest."

You shove your face into the pillow, exhausted.

"Lord Cregan has summoned us both to his solar."

"Whatever it is does not require me, I'm sure. Please, Jace, just go."

He sighs. "He has demanded us both be present. He says it's of utmost importance and cannot wait."

Your eyes slowly open, your stomach beginning to twist again. You don't want to see or be near him. Do not wish to so much as hear his voice.

The morrow cannot come soon enough.

You sit up, feeling dizzy. "Has word come from home? Has something happened?"

He shrugs. "He wouldn't say. It is why you must come at once."

You finally stand, grabbing the cloak which you rode in with and turn to him, not even bothering with shoes or proper clothing.

Jace thinks to tell you to put on a suitable dress, but when he looks into your eyes and see they are naught but void, he holds his tongue.

He wraps his arm round your shoulders as he leads you out and into the hall, and toward the awaiting Lord Cregan.

When the two of you enter the private meeting room, you merely stare at the floor as you take a seat beside Jace.

Cregan notes with dejection how you refuse to so much as look at him. How you look unkempt—your hair in tangles, only a thin cloak covering your frame, your complexion wan, and eyes puffy and red from crying.

Oh, his sweet girl.

But your pain will soon be soothed and all will be right once more.

You stare numbly out the open window to the right, drowning out whatever Lord Stark and Jace discuss. You do not much care. About anything.

Not anymore.

The full moon emerges from behind clouds, the evening sky gradually growing dark as night begins to fall.

Looking at the moon does not bring them back to you now. Nothing will.

They're gone.

Dead.

And then you wonder if Aemond can see it, too. If he is looking at it thinking of you as well. Would it be night in King's Landing? You doubt it, but when it is, perhaps he will share the sight with you.

The last time you saw him was the last, wasn't it? There would be no returning.

You hope he lets go of you and does not waste his days awaiting a girl who is now lost to him.

A tear slips down your cheek and your chin wobbles, your heart cleaving in two.

Jace is fortunate to have Baela, and Luke Rhaena. At least they will all have fondness in their marriages, if nothing else. What will you have, you wonder? A man who comes to you in the dark of night stinking of death and slick with blood as he claims what will then rightfully belong to him, even if you do not wish it.

What you want doesn't matter.

Mayhaps it never did.

A pawn to be moved about the board. That is all you are.

Mayhaps...you are not really here.

Another tear slips free and you sniffle.

Jace finally turns to you with an elated look upon his face. "What say you, then, sister?"

You slowly turn your head to look at him, your expression blank.

You blink once before standing, both men doing so as well.

You hold your cloak tightly around your trembling form. "Please, forgive me, Lord Stark, Jace. I do not feel well and wish to retire to my chambers to rest. I have a long journey tomorrow and will need it."

You go to step away, Cregan's heart beginning to break, but Jace grabs your arm. "Did you not hear what Lord Stark said?" He asks, his tone panicked.

You slip your arm from his grip. "Whatever is the matter, Jace, I am confident you and Lord Stark will resolve it together. My presence here is unnecessary."

You walk toward the door, your heart in your throat. You need to get out, need to get away from him.

No one will ever want you for love.

"Sister!" Jace calls.

"Princess. Y/N!" Cregan says, coming closer toward you.

Your twin spins you round to him, your back now pressed to the door.

You can't breathe. You just want them to let you go. You can't be here.

"Please, Jace, let me go!" You shout through blinding tears.

"Just—Y/N, listen—" he starts, but you step to the side.

"I don't feel well, please!" You choke out through violent sobs.

Gods, what is happening to you?

Finally, Cregan has had enough and lightly pushes Jace aside as he takes your face between his hands, even as you shove against his chest.

The feel of him...you do not want it. Why is he doing this?

"I have asked your brother for your hand in marriage."

You blink up at him, hiccuping, a long pause of silence.

"W-what?"

He brushes hot tears from your soft cheeks, his heart breaking at the sight of you being this distant to him.

"I would take you for my Lady Wife. Tonight."

"Why?" You ask with furrowed brows, mind spinning.

He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead.

"Because of your beauty, your grace, and your genteelness. Your strength and resolve to do what needs be done in the name of your family, even to your own detriment. You are loyal. And you love whom you love fiercely."

He runs his knuckles gently along your cheek. "I will admit that since the passing of my late Lady Wife that I have received a considerable amount of offers of marriage. None have yet tempted me. Until I set eyes upon you. I was captivated body and soul. The thought of relinquishing you to another who would not appreciate you..."

He shakes his head. "Who would not protect nor value you? Would not treat you as tenderly as I might? It grieves me to consider such a thing."

He takes a step closer. "So, let us prevent it: our mutual agony of losing what can so easily be ours. Agree. Take my hand. And remain in the North where you belong. By my side, where you belong. You said once that the North felt like home to you. Princess—Y/N—you feel like home to me. So do not take yourself from me in the name of a fleet of ships or a small army. I beg of you."

He leans down, kissing you, caring not for what Jace may think. "I will give you the might of the North—and you, the title of Lady of Winterfell and Wardeness of the North. I can think of no one more deserving."

You stare up at him, in disbelief, sure you are imagining this. Not hearing him correctly.

You break then, sobbing, unable to catch your breath as you drown in a sea of tears.

Cregan merely pulls you into his chest, his large hand cradling the back of your head as his other arm wraps round you to keep you close.

You don't see, but he gives Jace a silent look, asking him to leave the two of you alone for a moment.

He replies with a solemn nod, silently slipping out of the room.

Cregan presses his lips to the top of your head, your body continuing to quiver in fear.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. "For allowing you to feel for even a moment that I do not love you."

You cling to him, your cries eventually quieting as a feeling of weariness instead overtakes you.

“What about Lady Blackwood?” You ask quietly.

He pulls back, continuing to hold you to him, cupping your cheek once more.

His brows furrow. “Where did you hear that name?”

“I…this morn, when I was about to leave my room I heard men in the halls. Passing by. They spoke of a betrothal to her. Rather, that you were seriously considering one…”

He understands then. You’d thought he’d been playing you like a wolf with its prey all this time, while another waited for him to take the hand of.

Gods, his poor, sweet girl.

Your eyes fill with tears again.

He tenderly tucks a lock of hair behind your ear. “For some time now my advisors have tried to encourage a union between us—between me and any highborn lady, in truth—so I might produce further heirs. I waited, however. I had married once for love and…”

He sighs. “If I had to marry again out of duty, I would have. But then you came to me, and the moment I set eyes upon you, something within me shifted. It was as if I had become alive once more. The thought of losing that feeling again—losing you?”

He presses an achingly soft kiss to your lips. “It would drive me to the brink of madness.”

He lowers himself to one knee then, holding your hand. “Y/N, I beg of you, in the name of the Gods—Old and New—be my bride this night. Be my wife. My Lady. Be…mine. Let me care for and love and cherish you for the rest of my days. Rather, our days. Do not take yourself from me only to hand yourself over to a monster. I’ll do anything just to make you say yes. So, please—”

“Yes.”

He stops, relief filling his very soul. “You will?”

You nod gently. “Yes.”

He stands on two feet again, pulling you back to his chest.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

You nod, your eyes fluttering closed, tears slipping down your cheeks as your heart finally calms.

“I don’t have a wedding gown,” you say quietly.

He nods. “I have something that may suit you. If it does not, wear whatever you wish. All that matters to me is that we become one this night.”

He wraps his cloak around you which hangs from his shoulders, for warmth, you enveloped in his arms.

“I love you,” he whispers.

You then stand on tiptoes, reaching for him and he leans down to meet your lips.

“And I you,” you reply, tears shimmering in your eyes.

Jace had been waiting outside as you and Cregan spoke and had been beyond pleased when your betrothed informed him of the good news—that you were to be wed this very night, because you had graciously accepted his proposal.

He could’ve nearly cried from the relief of it all.

His good friend settled—he could tell the young lord was desolate; raising his son all alone with no one of his own to love—and his sister, his twin, to be married to a strong and warm and honorable man.

He could not have imagined a better match.

He is only beyond grateful that a far worse one will now never come about.

So, Cregan had asked your brother to deliver you back to your chambers while he procured for you a gown.

And when he delivered it unto you, it took your breath away.

“It was my mother’s,” he’d stated, settling it into your arms.

Your eyes met his then, filling yet again with tears. “It’s beautiful.”

He had ran his fingers gently along your cheek. “She would have adored you just as I do. I think she would be…quite proud for you to be wearing her dress.”

You’d looked behind you, to your room, then back to him. “I truly hope it will fit.”

He'd nodded. “If it doesn’t, it is still yours to keep.”

Your smile had wobbled as you swallowed thickly. “Thank you.”

As Alia readied you for the ceremony, Cregan readied his household. He had promised you that tonight, things would be quiet and intimate. No grand gathering. That, if you wished for one, it would come later.

This evening was about the two of you and no one else.

You had told him vowing to be bound together for life was more than enough for you. Festivities were not necessary.  

The dress is a bit snug, but fits well enough, and it is beautiful. Lace trim, soft gossamer and silk, a long, flowing skirt, with a bodice in the shape of a heart, and the sleeves shimmer against firelight.

You’re grateful to Cregan for allowing you to not only wear, but have this dress. You suppose, in a way, it makes you feel closer to her: his mother. She must have been a lovely woman to raise such a man.

Your hair is long and flowing, with a crown of small white roses adorning your brow, pearls scattered throughout your curls. And you wear the necklace he gifted you of a small silver snowflake.

The final touch is a soft brown fur wrap—made of rabbit—which Alia lays over your shoulders before nodding her head. “I think that should do it, Princess. You look perfect.”

You take her hands in yours. “Y/N, please. This…this is going to be my home now. I would like…I’d very much like for us to be friends. Would you?”

She nods, smiling. “I would.”

Jace’s breath is taken away by your beauty. How you look every inch a northerner. How quickly you were able to transform into one… He wonders, now, if this place has not been awaiting your arrival all this time. Or, you it.

He offers you his arm. “Shall we?”

You take it, nodding. “Don’t let me fall.”

He presses a kiss to your hair, careful not to mess so much as a strand. ��Never.”

“Father, Mother, Maiden, Smith, Warrior, Crone, Stranger. I am his, and he is mine. From this day, until the end of my days.”

The Septon speaks, finalizing the ceremony. “Let all bear witness to the union of Lord Cregan of House Stark, and Princess Y/N of Houses Targaryen and Velaryon, being now bound together as one heart, one flesh, one soul. Cursed be they who should seek to tear them asunder.”

A solitary tear slips down your cheek, and over your lips, which mingles between yours and Cregan’s as he takes your face between his hands, and kisses you long and deep. And passionately.

All cheer and laugh and smile, including Jace and Alia—your brother standing as Cregan’s best man, and Alia as your maid-of-honor.

And you know then, it was always meant to be him.

From the beginning, the Godswood in the Red Keep had been the place you went to for refuge and peace. Northern tales had always been your favorite as a child. And snowfall was something you’d desired to one day see—feel upon your skin—for as long as you could recall.

Even just a few days past, Cregan had wrapped you in his cloak before this very same tree. The Gods had known, even if the two of you hadn’t.

They always had.

Dinner is celebratory, but not exactly a grand affair. There is music and drink and hearty foods to be had, while a fire roars in the great hearth.

As the servants had been given short notice, in place of a cake, biscuits with jam and honey are served, which you and your new Lord Husband serve to one another, kissing each other’s face’s clean with many laughs and smiles.

A few journey into Winter Town to visit late-open shops and return with small wedding gifts: fine materials for you and colorful threads, books, and collections of decorative candles. You take all graciously and with a great many thanks, promising they will all be put to use. You even place a few of the candles atop the hearth’s mantle, their wicks flickering as people dance and converse.

For Cregan, he is gifted a couple small ornate daggers, and a pelt, along with a new whetstone. His insistence that he wants for nothing is ignored.

Once things begin to wind down, he turns to you, his hand sliding along your back, to then grip your hip and pull you close as he whispers into your ear “it is time for us to retire, my love”.

You merely lick your lips and nod.

You’ve never been in Cregan’s chambers before tonight. You suppose now they are also yours.

Your chambers.

And the first thing you notice is just how very organized he is. Unusual for a man, you deem. Unless, of course, that is in thanks to the servants having readied the room while the two of you were celebrating.

The door stands behind you and to your right is a large desk, with stacks of parchment, a collection of quills and an inkpot that you’re sure must be the size of your palm.

To the left is a row of hooks mounted to the stone wall, which holds cloaks and furs.

The mantle above the hearth has a long row of well-loved books placed atop it, with worn metal bookends in the shape of howling direwolves.

The same as your room, there is a large settee before the hearth, with brown and dark blue blankets lain across the back.

To the right of it, in the corner, is a wardrobe.

The opposite wall has a set of double-doors, the top portion of which are stained-glass windows that are the sigil of his house, painted in white and black and light blue, small, sheer curtains hanging over them. Beside those doors, a small square table for eating, with stuffed chairs on either side.

And finally, there is a large, four-post bed, turned down, with plenty of blankets and pillows and yes, more furs. On either side are wooden end-tables, and at the foot of the bed, a chest with cushions atop it.

You step over to the hearth and look at the large sword which is mounted on brass hooks atop it.

“Ice,” Cregan states, coming to stand behind you. “The ancestral sword of our house.”

Our house. It warms you to hear him say it.

You lean back against him, smiling softly as his arms wrap around you.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this…content before,” you remark.

He presses a kiss to the top of your head, before gently turning you around in his arms to face him.

He removes the flower crown from your brow, tossing it back onto the settee—perhaps you will press it into a book tomorrow for safe-keeping—before brushing a kiss over your lips. “I’ve not for a very long time now.”

He cups the back of your head, bringing his lips down to your own, his mouth moving slowly against yours, tongue tasting you as his fingers move to the back of your dress, unlacing it.

He kisses down your cheek and your jaw, coming back up to your ear. “Let us bind ourselves as one in this final way, my love.”

A pulse forms between your legs and you nod, your eyes fluttering closed as you push his cloak from his shoulders and it falls to the floor with a soft thud.

He brings his lips back to your own as he tugs your gown down, down, down, until it, too, has pooled at your feet.

You pull away for only a moment, gently folding it before placing it delicately upon the lounge.

He slips his fingers beneath the straps of your shift, and he grips either side in his hands and pulls it down your body.

He dips his head, kissing the tops of each of your breasts and your fingers tangle in his hair, a sigh escaping your lips.

His hands then slide lower, slipping your smallclothes from your waist, and once you have toed off your shoes, all that is left are your thigh-high stockings.

You reach down, gripping the tops of them, until you feel his finger under your chin.

“Leave them.”

With that, he cradles your body in his arms, carrying you over to the bed and he lies you back on fresh sheets as he stands at the foot of it.

You feel as if every nerve ending is exposed as you lie back on your forearms, your legs spread as you watch him undress himself.

He removes his jerkin, then reaches behind him, gripping his shirt back and tugging it over his head, his eyes returning to yours, watching how you lick your lips as he begins to unlace his breeches.

He had, admittedly, once wondered what the hair covering that most delicate part of you would be like in color. He is pleased to find it matches perfectly that which is atop your head.

He toes off his boots, then shoves down his trousers, along with his socks, leaving himself naked before you.

Your eyes widen as he takes his long, thick member in-hand and begins to stroke it.

Your eyes flit back to his, heat pooling between your thighs. Gods, you want him to touch you again.

Yours. All yours.

He takes a step forward, his thighs hitting the edge of the bed. “I don’t want for you to be afraid. I promise you that I’ll be as gentle as I can be.”

You shake your head.

“I’m not,” you reply breathlessly.

He nods, then climbs atop you, pressing his lips to yours and kisses you so achingly slow, removing his hand from himself and instead trailing it down your sensitive skin, your body jerking at the touch, a sigh escaping your lips as he moves to your neck, his fingers coming to explore your hot, wet core.

You gasp, wrapping your arms around his neck, the ends of his hair tickling your breasts as he moves his mouth lower, taking a peaked nipple inside of it, rolling it gently between his teeth.

Your back arches, his other hand slipping beneath it, holding you closely as his dextrous fingers spread your labia, gently massaging.

Your eyes roll back in your head.

“Oh, Gods,” you whisper.

You’ve touched yourself before. Many a time. But for another to do it—for him? You fear you may be reluctant to ever leave this bed—at the very least this room—after tonight.

He presses a hot, wet kiss between your breasts, then your stomach, his hands gripping your hips before he playfully peppers kisses on your cheeks and chin and nose, earning him a bubbly giggle from your lips.

He is glad to hear it. He doesn’t want you tensed up and anxious this night. He wants you to enjoy yourself. To experience just how pleasurable and intimate lovemaking can be.

His eyes gaze into your own, warm and full of love. “Are you ready, my darling?”

You nod, lifting your hips to meet his. “Yes.”

He presses his lips to yours, begins to rub the tip of himself against your dripping entrance—pleased to find you so ready for him—and he eases inside, breaking through your maidenhead.

You gasp against his lips, tears stinging your eyes.

He presses his forehead to your own. “Breathe, my love. Lift your hips for me again, darling.”

You do, and he sinks deeper, the pain quickly turning into something wholly different as he fills you.

“Gods,” he whispers in your ear as you clench around him for the first time.

He moves one hand into your curls, the other sliding down your thigh, lifting your leg onto his back as he begins to rock his hips against yours, a low moan emitting from the back of his throat at the feel of you.

You coat the length of him, the sound of your arousal meeting his ears as he eases out and then back in so, so slowly.

You lie your head back against the mountain of pillows behind you, soft furs lie beneath your sensitive, naked skin, the fire warming every inch of you.

You feel…somehow euphoric. The two of you joined together as one—literally—causes a small sob to escape your lips.

His head jerks up and he stares down at your tear-streaked cheeks. “Are you in pain? Should I stop—”

You shake your head vigorously. “I’m happy.”

He smiles before pressing his lips back to your own, easing back inside of you.

He then begins to lean up, gripping your waist and settling you into his lap, your bodies chest-to-chest as his hands tug against your hips, encouraging you to find your own pace.

You begin to undulate beneath his instructive hands, your body quivering as his callused palms rub against your back. He lies his head against your breasts and you run your fingers through the tangled strands of his hair, pressing soft kisses to the top of his head.

“I love you,” you whisper, your heart filled to the brim.

His lips come to hover over your own. “And I you.”

“I regret making arrangements for us three to travel to the Wall tomorrow with our retinue,” Cregan states, his fingertips ghosting across the soft skin of your back.

You lift your head, removing your hand from his chest and instead cupping his cheek.

He continues as he turns more toward you. “For I do not wish to allow you out of this bed for at least a sennight.”

He presses yet another kiss to your already swollen lips with a cheeky grin.

You smile, feeling a pleasant soreness between your legs where he has already spilled his seed thrice—once with your legs thrown over his shoulders as he pounded away relentlessly inside of you. That position… You’d been able to form naught more than garbled words and cries of pleasure during.

“Nor do I.”

You slide a leg between both of his. “Mayhaps we could reschedule our visit?”

“Wish that we could, but I already sent a raven, which may have already reached them. At the very least, will be shortly.”

He cups your cheek. “You should know that is why I wished to wait to propose to you. This morn, I had intended to send a request to your mother for your hand. And then I heard that you…intended to take another to husband. I merely wished to do things the right way. Not just because it is—right—but because I know how much your family means to you.”

You flush. “About that…”

He leans over you with furrowed brows, and you cup his cheek with a nervous smile. “I hope you do not find it presumptuous, but just before Jace and I took to flight atop Vermax, my mother told me that…due to your young age, and knowing that you are a widower…”

Your eyes flit from his chest, then back to his own. “She told me if love were to grow—if you asked for my hand and I felt it right; I desired it, then I was to give you both our blessing. So you already had it.”

His lip twitches. “All that upset due to naught more than misunderstandings on both sides.”

He takes your hand in his, brushing a kiss over your fingers. “I will forever regret that for even a moment you doubted the love which I now hold for you.”

You shake your head, curling your fingers against his stubbled cheek. “When did you know?”

“When I saw you with Rickon. That morn, I had gone to the Godswood to pray, asking for the Gods to give me a sign—any—if it was meant to be. For I wished for you—to have you. To claim you as mine own. Desperately. The conversation we had in Winter Town made me doubtful, if for a moment. It is…why I changed tactics,” he states with a raised brow.

“I wanted you assured that I was a man who chased after that which he desires most—that I do not relent easily—and that was you. But it was also a matter of whether you wished to be chased. Seeing you with my son, I knew that was at an end, and commitment was to be what remained. That we belonged together. As one.”

He presses a kiss to your warm forehead. “And when I heard you telling Jace…heard you ready to resign yourself to such a horrifying future, I knew the time I thought I had, had then run out.”

He brushes his lips over yours. “It shattered my heart to see you so…heartbroken tonight. You could not even stand my touch. To think I nearly lost you—”

You crush your lips to his. “I am yours.”

You climb into his lap, straddling him, easing him back inside of you.

He grips your hips firmly. “You are mine.”