#which is the hard part :l
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Today I not so much learned that, as figured out which, one of my uni course mates worked on Nimona as a modeller xāD
#university of hertfordshire bb#nimona#it's been all over my linkedin feed it was only a matter of time until one of them posted abt having worked on it#I also went to a virtual production thingy today#got many new names for my ever growing networking list of linkedin connections ehehehehehe#and learnt that if and when I do find some rich ppl with LED screens to hire me for my incredible VP skills I could make like 500Ā£ dayrate!#like that's insanely good for industry cause noone fucking knows how to run the damn things yet so the few ppl who do make quiche#if they manage to find a job in VP#which is the hard part :l
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i canāt do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I donāt want to do it Iām just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. Iāll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. Iād love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period canāt decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damnā¦.#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally wonāt die. itāll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but Iām still stressing myself about it so my thoughts arenāt really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I donāt really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? itās been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just donāt#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but itās not very fun when it feels like Iām going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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how long will chapter 5 even be my g o s h
#(out of concontext concon is us; we are all out of concontext concon on this accursed day)#lemme innnnnnnnnnnnnnnn#w h a t new character is being introduced at the end of it hello?????????????#is the author referring to renren or??????????#to think that āchapter 5 has been releasing since end of juneā¦ m a n.#unless each part of ch 5 is like 8 pages long at maxā¦ man. even ch 1 of the [redacted] manga wasnt this longā¦#im half expecting to see an entire bibleās worth of renren lore when itās finally free from region lock l m a o#speaking of the region lock!!!!!!! the chapter editions of the chizuutan manga are finally freed from region lock!!!!#ā¦but only for the first 3 chapters. chapter 4 is allegedly releasing at the end of august (according to amjp)#which is really funny bc the first released volume contains chapters 1-4. so. like. yāknow.#i dont think weāre gonna see chapter 5 till at least september my dudes :( free renren!!!!!!!!!#man. looking back on the authorās twts the other chapters were like 3 parts maxā¦ is the author ok? i hope theyāre not working too hardā¦#ok yup enough chizuthoughts for one afternoon. back to v o l t o r b f l i p (and maybe idol sengen in the evening lol) byeeeeee#chizuutan chizpost
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shout out to my coworker for triggering my 30 minute SL-1 Accident cutscene, and to all the crew chiefs that looked ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED the whole time lmao
#my crew chief walked in at the WORST time cause we were talking about what happened to richard legg and mf looked HORRIFIED when weexplained#its my favourite nuclear accident and its no my fault he decided to bring it up as some underground nuclear accident he just learned about#which promted me to tell him the facts that he didnt learn from wikipedia#anyway i think we're besties now and i was trying SO HARD to be normal at this new job in my choice industry but nOOoOOoOoOoo someone had to#bring up the SL-1 Reactor smh now they know i got tha tism#you caNNOT mention SL-1 and expect me to be normal#its an INSANE story and the super insane part is l*shbaugh and also the affair story the us mil tried to do as a coverup
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#my sister keeps getting mad at me#and today it culminated with her basically listing all the ways Iām making her life shit#and the things she listed I know Iām a fuck up like not being able to drive#being stuck in a part time job not having many friends crying when in a confrontation#and not paying rent on time to her#but she was so mad and I was mad and crying#but she wasnāt saying it cause she cared she was like you are making my life bad and itās unfair#Iām sorry itās unfair Iām trying but I know itās not enough#and I couldnāt articulate myself#actually I know sheās right that Iām not trying enough#l just got upset which ofc doesnāt help anything#and now I ruined her day#i canāt even move out cause then sheāll get mad at me for that too#I agree with her that Iām a fuck up and donāt have my shit together and itās a terrible quality I have#of having trouble catching up on everything I just feel overwhelmed all the time#and thinking about the future makes me so depressed I feel like thereās no point to anything#and even when I try to do something I fuck it up and donāt do it right#I tried getting my driving license before but now itās expired and Iām back at square one#and my job rn I donāt think theyāll ever give me a full time gig#I canāt even explain myself now it doesnāt make sense why Iām so fucked#and itās so hard to make friends all my old friends have moved#and behind and shit at everything#and now I know Iām dragging everyone else with me#she was like the one person Iām closest to and could trust but now I know Iām just a burden to her#the thing is i know she's right about everything#I fucking hate myself so much#update: she apologized I think weāre ok now#but Iām just wondering if it is
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s/oljiwan is like o/ngsasun if they were good and had good development and a good ending and šø literally anything good actually
#back on my hate train for Those Two of course#they were so good at the start which is the upsetting part#itās just the outing and later treatment that sun did @ o/ngsa that rlly makes me mad#i guess itās different bc s/oljiwan are childhood friends but idk#they did the coming out (kinda.. wasnāt really a focus whatsoever but you know) and also jealous gf/friend thing better#and then the relationship happened and it made Sense#i just think. g/mmtv is too much#imagine if it were well writtenā¦ if some things were changedā¦#no but i really am so sad bc of the outcome#o/ngsasun were getting so cuteš and then it was messed up#it sucks cause now looking at m/ilklove can be hard EVEN THO I LOVE M/ILK AND L/OVE UGH#i need to watch zero p/hotography urgently so my feelings improve#iām sojdjekcjfj#š§ø
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posting music is scary but i'm going to keep at it because otherwise i don't think i'll ever release anything at all and at some point i *do* want to actually put together a project For Realsies so i gotta get over my fear but damn this fears got hands š
#it's so intimidating but i have to teach myself to not care!#the shame i feel is not actually *my* shame it's just what i've been conditioned into#because it's EVRRYTHING#not just my music#but about every part of muself#and posting my music is one way i think i can start to take myself for muself#and put the light on the shame so maybe it shrinks a little#turn the shame ive been conditioned to feel knto radical love for myself & all of our parts#cause i don't care what people think i will feel this shame even if everyone LOVES me & what i do#it's not about that#it's about idek what or why or how but ik it's there and i know this is a scary but safe way to work on that#also i really only started on singing/writing in february#and piano / guitar i started a few months before that#so i also have this like... my skills aren't where i'd like to end up eventually#which i am SUPER PROUD of how far i've come in less than a year!!!!!!!!!! i am wicked excited!#but i do wanna keep learning and working and reaching before i try to write something for Release release yk#anyway#i'm really looking forward to 50/90 cause at least for fawm it was such a safe place to share & explore l#and it's pretty much all smaller artists who are really supportive of each other & i am so so grateful for fawm#so i'm really hoping 50/90 goes as well!!!!!#i don't think any of my music would be anywhere but a hard drive without fawm#will always be grateful for that experience <3
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URL Tag Game
Havenāt done one of these for a while and I have the energy today, so why not! Thank you for the tags @bazzybelle @facewithoutheart @frjsti ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Rules: spell your url with song titles and tag as many people as the letters!
Y - You Know It by Colony House
E - everything sucks by vaultboy
L - Loving Is Easy by Rex Orange County
L - Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters
O - On My Way by Alex Lahey
B - Bad Things (That Make You Feel Good) by Mini Mansions
B - Bitter Water by The Oh Hellos
Tagging @shrekgogurt @onepintobean @johnwgrey @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @asocialpessimist @hushed-chorus @ghostofapineapple
#m rambles#tag game#this was genuinely hard for me which is part of why I put it off lol#I couldnāt just pick any old songs#I had to find the best song recs I could#then narrow it down because L and O in particular had too many good ones#Spotify
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...staring at my drafts and realizing i should perhaps consider pausing on answering ask prompts to start getting caught back up on those instead bc the number is back in the 40s & i just found a starter i completely forgot about bc it got lost on the second page :x
#a few weeks of mentally struggling & being out of it has really done a number on all that hard work i did getting (almost) caught up l-lmao#tbf everything except like. 2 threads (& a few unprompted asks that're in there) are all from march & april but. hhhh.#i was doing sm better at staying on top of stuff and then suddenly that all went to hell lmakjfakjs#really tho i suppose i should just keep doing whatever i'm feeling/enjoying the most right?#i'm here to have fun not stress over deadlines that don't exist for replies#need to get better at remembering that. need to..... idk. stop feeling overwhelmed over a hobby lmao#i just!!!! feel so bad leaving things for so long!!! i worry it makes people think i don't want to write w them#or i've lost interest or smth which!!! is not at all the case!!!! my brain just sucks so bad!!!!!#i'm rambling to myself ignore me ajsfksd i'll see what i feel like tackling tomorrow#hopefully?? i'll have some better focus??? bc my writing has still felt v disjointed today and i don't. like that. at all.#but my usual routine around the house is still kinda disrupted & off-kilter until monday which i think is playing a big part in my struggle#so. idk. we'll see. i'm still rambling i'm sorry pls continue ignoring me askjfsd#āā Ė ā° ā° ooc ā® don't @ me.
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we watched "war crimes" tonight and the cliff calley storyline was so heartbreaking that i thought "ooh, the only thing that would make this better would be sense8 au schenanigans" and so now i have a draft about that??
it's technically complete, but it needs severe editing for the pacing. which is interesting to me, because recently i haven't been feeling like my fics need pacing editing? whereas in the past, pacing was the MAJOR thing i had to edit. so i was excited about potentially having Figured Out Pacing!
i think the secret is that i've been writing an extremely stripped-back narration style recently. my issues with pacing have always been with pov introspection -- i tend to write too much, or put it in the wrong place. so the stripped-back style feels much better and snappier to me. it's also just plain easier, since i have fewer tools that i can use to mess with the pacing (basically just dialogue tags and physical action). it's harder to mess up.
but writing josh's pov had me instinctively go back into the introspection -- and i don't think that's bad! i prefer introspection for something like this. the stripped-back lets me imply stuff, but sometimes a character is just someone who says things outright to themself, or maybe i think it's more effective to just say something outright. so i'm happy to get the chance to cultivate the skill again, it's just interesting, being faced with how much easier i find the newer style.
#probably part of it is that i haven't developed the same editor's eye for the new stripped-back style#that i already have for the older wordier style. so obviously one's gonna feel like it needs more editing#but also maybe i just prefer to read less-wordy things#sb and l rambles#sb and l is writing#sb and l watches tww#verse: and it's golden#fic: blind faith#this style stemmed from writing scott pov btw. which is fun cause like. i spent so long being worried about writing xmen fic#cause their voices are HARD to nail!!#so it's nice to see that that also gave me time to think about my writing style. and start to learn a new skill!
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also i WILL say that vacuum sealing your analysis and consumption of media off from its wider context is not a neutral thing to do ā like there are genuinely valid reasons to do it but it often (intentionally or otherwise) ends up reinforcing existing systems of oppression & erasure.
this also doesnāt mean you have to be Serious and Critical all the time, but rather that itās worth just generally being open to the fact that all media exists within the world and canāt be separated from it. you donāt have to be actively deconstructing or problematizing things or explicitly acknowledging them to be participating in them. in fact, i think itās a huge problem that Being Aware Of Existing Systems Of Oppression is so often equated with being critical and serious. you can also be fun and silly and shallow. it doesnāt have to be a big deal. most of the time itās not.
#ex. i genuinely find it hard to see how you could interpret L as non-autistic without also participating in the wider system of erasing#autistic people#im sure itās possible but heās so incredibly grounded in the whole architecture of the autistic/disabled/neurodivergent investigator#that actively opposing that (not just being unaware of it) seems troubling at best#whereas interpreting anime!L as nonpsychotic seems basically ok to me? bc its literally just one anime-only scene thats very poorly#integrated into both the series and the episode#but#there way in which one tries to erase it can also be a bit Not Great you know#like thereās a difference between āthis doesnāt seem like a thing which needs to be included for his character to make senseā#vs āthis CANNOT possibly be part of his characterā despite it very literally being present on screen#with a side of being unaware of the wider context of psychosis in particular and mental illness in particular often being treated as#allegorical rather than literal#(ie what that episode is doing)#does this make sense. i hope this makes sense. i am so tired and so caffinated
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*screenshots the highlights of my youtube to mp3 downloads folder as if it were some fancy aesthetic spotify wrapped image or whatever*Ā
#I don't know how spotify works I'm not sure how the images people share are actually generatedĀ but you know what I mean lol#Though I do wish the native windows music player thing kept track of like.. how many times you listened to a song or something#merely because I think it would be really funny for me since I'm very much a like 'listen to the same 3 songs on rotation for literally#4 months at a time. then eventually rotate in another few songs to replace those. never revisit any of them again' type person#And like most media I have a lot of trouble connecting with music or ascribing it the same deep meaning that most other people seem to get o#ut of it like. I think maybe it has something to do with my emotional range in general being very shallow (I am neutral 90% of the#time and even when I'm not I just don't feel things very strongly. when I do feel antyhing it's weak fleeting emotions usuually that#I don't even remember a few days from then. You know how babies don't have object permanence? It's like I don't have emotional permanence lo#l. Which is probably standard for like. severe childhood neglect situations where nobody was around for you to mirror their#emotions in early childhood or whatever usually happens when people are being raised. Like if nobody was there to encourage the development#of emotions and show what those look like then maybe your brain just doesn't develop them properly or etc. etc. ANYWAY gjhjhb)#I think maybe that has somehting to do with why it's just really hard for me to care about media of all kinds - and even when I do it's not#very deep. Also probably why I've never really been in a fandom or gone to a concert or been really into anything like that. Because people#form deep emotional connections and memories and attachments to their favorite media and I just like... don't#I can still like things!! But it's always in a more like.. intellectual kind of cognitive way if that makes sense? Like if I liked a TV show#it would never be becaise I find the message heartwarming or the characters relatable or because it made me FEEL something. It would be bec#ause the lore is cool and I like to analyze it. Or I think there's an interesting social dynamic going on which is fun to kind of pick#at the innerworkings of. And if I like a song like.. it's not because This Music Got Me Through A Hard time In My Life or because#I relate deeply to the lyrics or it makes me feel a certain way - it's usually because the overlapping of instruments or thetones that are#used interests me or there's something intruguing or cool about it to hear. Part of why I like classical or choir music is that there's oft#en so many instruments playing over each other it's like a little puzzle to try and hear each part seperately or etc. etc.#Which isn't to say that I can NEVER relate to or feel some sort of attachement or idea related to a piece of media. but just that it's not#ever very strong. like not powerful enough to be some significant motivator or pivotal aspect of my personality or etc.#BUT ANYWAY. I still can like things to a degree probably not just the same exact way as others lol.#So I rarely even listen to music that often (maybe once a week or so? I'll listen to like one song or two. but I'm not like a 'have music on#in the background playing in the house all the time' or 'listen to music while I get ready' type) but when I do it's very repetitive. I do#think it would be interesting to see the statistics then lol. I thought windows media player used to track statistics so I wonder why the#'updated' version of that on windows 10 doesnt??? Maybe bc they assume everyone is using streaming services instead? stinky#I don;t think the built in music player on my phone tracks anything either. It's more of just a file accessor or something. hmmgbb#That alone will never convince me to actually use some service to get music though lol. I don't need the statistics. yttmp3 for life babey
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god my throat is raw from yelling / panicking. And part of me is wary wondering if itāll happen again. omgggg
#purrs#i think i knew it was a false alarm it just didnāt feel real. but what fucked me up is that i couldnāt t honk of what to bring. i knew we#weāre close to an exit so we would be fine and i know youāre not supposed to delay getting out and that the stuff is just stuff. but my#journals and diaries.. like i brought them all here for some new years reflections and i couldnāt bring myself to bring any of them. or my#sketchbook. or my switch or ds with my animal crossing town. idk. i guess smth flashed through my head like so much of what matters to me#is digital now but thatās not fucking true at all. why did i have a hard time deciding and brought nothing when my sketchbook is the most#important thing i have i think bc itās my scrapbook / diary. it just fucked me ip so bad. now im staring at the ceiling and my throat hurts#and im going to be so tired tomorrow. that was so scary#we didnāt even make it outside bc the alarm stopped before we left the room bc we were scrambling to find coats and masks (lol) and them my#mom called the front desk and they said it was a false alarm. so idk. for those 45 seconds it couldāve been life or death and thatās so much#to think about. everything important went out the window it was just like wtf is even happening rn and my dad said it was a fire and i was l#like how do you know. ugh. that was so scary#like what fucked me up was. all the pieces of me are spread so thin in so many journals and shit that idk which one to bring. i would have t#to take the complete collection. and i canāt do that so i have to leave all of them. thatās the choice i made in that primal moment. it#QUITE LITERALLY does not matter and is not the most important part of this to be worried abt / fucked up over but that really shook me
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If Light was gay, L would know.
read him like a book
#ooc tags:#part of me wants to make a 'Lisa doesn't get the shipping because she doesn't realize she's aro' joke#but there's no good way to make that kind of joke distinct from crapping over a ship#and as weird as L/Kira shipping seems to me I don't think it deserves that#also this is a āLisa projects hard onto Lā post#which was supposed to be a running thing but I never found enough Death Note posts that fit it
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I feel as though we on constantly on the cusp of some feral breakdown and just throwing ourself off the 3rd story and i cannot help but think maybe there is something that should be done about that? Like. There should be a medication or some kind of help for that kind of thing
#i think there is im not intending to be obtuse#but it feels like getting proper help would be a lot of work and with the lack of energy we already posess... l#perhaps it is simply easier to let the mind real in its own insanity repeatedly rather than try?#part of me would feel a bit unraveled at the idea of trying to seek help which also makes it hard#but i know my friends are tired of our constantly flipping mental state and i think talking us down on a regular basis is...#maybe become eroding? emotionally.#not sure why this always ends up happening. my grasp on stability has always been loose though#reality has escaped me for years#just perhaps need to dedicate the time for growth and healing and writing things down but i dont know where to get the energy and motivation#is not trying a form of self harm? is that was this is? it is hard to tell#vague journaling
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manananggal x witch maybe maybeee
#so imagine if you heard a crying woman's voice and all the sudden you just see her getting out half of her body and she just WOOSH up to air#the horrifying part is that this fucker flies and may start cackling as it attacks you#I thought about this so hard and I think I got it#plus of their existence existing in the l 4d universe is because the virus slowly absorbs the genes of some animals#which may to lead mutation of existence of manananggal to actually become a reality in that universe#and to which some are actually witches hybrid#(btw manananggal is a myth in our country so take that as you will xddd )
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