#which is good. my siblings shouldnt have to go through that shit

[b-00-biez]

"Slashers with an S/o who cries when people shout at them"

Warning: cursing and a bit of angst

Characters: Bo Sinclair, Thomas Hewitt, Brahms Heelshire

Bo Sinclair

You and bo have fights but never to the point he yells or shouts at you. This time he was really angry because a victim escaped.

"I TOLD YOU TO WATCH THEM FOR ONE SECOND AND THEY ESCAPED, IT WAS THAT SIMPLE"

You bite your lip refusing to talk back as you lower your head until he is finished.

He sighed and made you look up at him. You were crying, big tears flow from your eyes as you looked at him. Your lips quivering and you looked away.

You both stood there until Bo broke and gave you a hug

It wasnt like those apology hugs your mom made you do to make up with your siblings

It was very sincere and tight

"I'm sorry doll, I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. " he whispered in your ear so soft and gentle.

He sat you both down while you're in his lap as he caresses your back. You both stayed there holding each other in your arms.

He told Lester to find the victim which he did and killed so it was problem solved.

From today on he never raised his voice when he got angry, you both communicated better and you two would make up pretty quickly.

If any of his brothers did the same to yell at you then he would be throwing hands

All in all he learned to be gentle with you which his brothers never ever thought he could do

Thomas Hewitt

Thomas already knew you cried when being shouted at

Hoyt was never really a good tempered person and will degrade your self esteem the chance he gets but you would suck the tears back up and wont let Thomas know what happened.

This time it was something different

"YOU FUCKING WHORE, ALL THE SHIT YOU DID WILL PASS THROUGH TOMMY BUT NOT ME"

You were shivering, Luda mae was not there to save you or beat this bitch and tommy was busy in the basement.

Hoyt raised a hand at you, as you squinted your eyes to brace yourself of the impact you hear..

"Aye tommy i-i was kidding.. hehe.. your little doll there was..AAAAA"

Tommy was standing in between you and hoyt , holding the man's hand back.

Tommy almost choked him to death if it werent for Luda Mae finally getting home.

Your boyfriend kept you in his arms like a baby as he rocks you.

He mumbles and grunts to give encouragement

He wont let anyone of his family yell nor harm you

Brahms Heelshire

You weren't the best of care takers. You always followed the rules so you wont anger Brahms.

But since Malcohlm was running late and you needed the groceries you have no choice but to go to the store

You planned to just have a quick trip so that when you come back Brahms wont even notice. But he did , he saw you walk out that gate.

Brahms is an impatient man, a minute of you gone it's been hours to him. But when you come back.

He stormed screaming at you

"YOU BROKE THE RULES, YOU DARE LEAVE ME ALONE LIKE MY PARENTS?! YOURE HORRIBLE "

You tried to explain yourself with incoherent mumbles as you shake. He towers over you going silent, Hes just looking at you!

You broke down and into a ball

Brahms started to feel bad, at least you came back for him.

He left you alone and slid your favorite snack over to you as he sits on the floor with you

In his childish voice he started to say sorry , patting your head gently

If you're both stuck in this house he might as well treat you better

He hugs you not letting go until you stopped crying

-Just a quick reminder that if you experience this in real life from a spouse its best to leave them, although fights are normal among relationships they shouldnt mistreat you either way💕

[kokehitsugi]

ok im going to talk about orange county (2002)

ok specifically im going to talk about lance, shaun’s older brother and ultimate failwife of the movie because jesus christ do i love a strung out bitch.

i’ll talk more at length when its not 2am, but i found it super interesting that they make their shitty parents so obvious and front & center about the fact that they definitely more than likely neglected and fucked up their eldest son and then did it again to their youngest. With less success mind you, Shaun seems pretty well rounded if not a little quirky due to his upbringing and general califronia-isms. But Lance on the other hand. Lance….

We’re introduced to him begging his little brother for a piss test for god’s sakes

He mentions his parole officer at multiple points, I wish we got a little background so I had the pleasure of finding out what the hell he went to jail for in the past. Anyway.

Their mom is shown to be an emotionally manipulative alcoholic, with a history of sabotaging any chance of her sons leaving home. Lance gets high later on and starts rambling on about wanting to start a clothing brand or something or other, which I’m sure he actually does, and talks about a different clothing designer that went off to live in hawaii etc etc

he also goes on a weird mini ramble about how much he loves his brother and they dont say it enough “ITS NOT THE DRUGS MAN….” he loves Shaun he LOVES HIS FAMILY HE WANTS TO MAKE THEM PROUD HE WANTS TO BE SUCCESSFUL…

With how their mom treats them and how devastatingly hooked he is on the random shit he takes— that’s obviously not going to happen anytime soon, and Shaun says as much, which does end up hurting Lance’s feelings ( even though he shouldnt have burned the goddamn stanford admissions building down in the first place but i digress ).

Shaun talks idly about wanting to go to college and their mom immediately flies into an entire tizzy, immediately whining about how she’s going back to bed to rot and how she doesn’t want him to leave, I can only imagine how Lance was treated growing up— and although he doesn’t seem terribly bothered about not going to college and frying his brain to death on drugs, I’m sure there is something there…

How can I not be completely enamored with a drugged out sad failure of a man who can’t and won’t bear to face his severely alcoholic mother while also destroying himself on various uppers. While their dad just completely fucks off. Their dad is barely present, Shaun tells him to his face that he doesn’t do anything for them and he just kinda shrugs it off at first- mostly because he assumes Shaun wants to be “nothing but a broke writer” and only cares about money but still. he ends up pulling through after a rekindling fling with their mom but both seem fairly relieved when he ends up not going off to school…which yes ultimately is good for Shaun!!! but still…geez…how supportive…

It just makes me think…it just makes me ponder… what could have lance and shaun’s childhoods been like…i don’t think it’s ever stated how old lance is, but i’m guessing he’s meant to be at least twice shaun’s age or something like that…

shaun obviously loves his brother very much, shown after the …fire, he forgives him and (presumably) drags him back into the car after his fun escape incident…god…younger siblings forced to caretake for their idiot failure older siblings my beloved…shaun cares so much about his fucked up family really its something else.

oh the end…the end my beloathed…my beloved…

I love that he barely even gets to give his mom a hug at the end, she barely even reacts to it he barely even gets the chance to get his hands on her shoulders shes basically ignoring it oh my god goodnight i will edit this post in the morning

[nyan-koii]

Hashira ft. Sabito as genshin impact players

aunotes : Bad grammar ahead! I didnt proofread it so be aware of brain damage. plus i initially wrote it at the 1.6 update

PART 1 : T.Muichiro, R.Kyojuro, K.Shinobu, S.Sanemi, U.Tengen 

Muichiro : he probably would be uninterested at first. He's more to first person shooting game or anything other than this concept of farming or investing. So that's why when he saw yuichirou banging his fist on his desk, trying to get his fav character, he would simply just watch

"Fck this game, i've had enough,"

"But you havent finish your wishing things yet,"

Stares. "How about you give it a try mui. You might get the character i want,"

"You sure about that? You might get angry at me," "better than nothing. Now go go, get em you donkey,"

His first ten pulls on the game brings out a light we all want to see

"Eh is tha-" "AAAA A FUCKING 5 STAR FCK FCKFCK,"

Apparently, it was one of the luckiest wish yuichiro had ever seen so far

"OHMYFUCK, you GOT A GODDAMN KLEE, QIQI AND SUCROSE WTFF???"

"I think i get your fav character?"

"Yeahh!! More than that to be honest. I want klee but you brought me two more person," sniffles and cries "you're really lucky mui. You should try and play the game,"

"It's probably the system. I doubt im that lucky tho,"

Nah, he really is lucky. Apparently he wished for his friends and got what they all really wanted for so long

"Thank you for getting me the aquila favonia, muichiro,"

"It's nothing really. I just simply press the button. It might be the system that's giving you the thing you want when i wish,"

"But still, even if i were to wish, i can get really scared and paranoid over it,"

"That's bad. You shouldnt invest yourself that much in the game tanjiro. It's just a game,"

"Ehehehe, i guess so. But you're really good at it muichiro! If you download it, we can play together :D!"

!!!!

It took the word "play together" to get muichiro down on his knee for that game. Usually the idea of playing with your friends is not that interesting. So when tanjiro said that, you bet he's going to play it

Type of player

Extremely lucky it's not even real. He got a five star on the beginner's banner

Fast farming. He probably will complete all the quest and become an endgame player within one month

"I just wanted to play with tanjiro..." bashfully

He's really good with whatever he's doing. Attack combo, dodging, elemental reaction and all sorts of stuff. If he invest more of his time on artifacts, he would probably even one shot it!!

He's very lucky. Very

Kyojuro : he wouldnt even know the existence of this game. Well, he took a glimpse of it one day and boom, heart stolen. Maybe it was the fiery burning passion in bennett that made him play the game.

'oh wow!! What a determined young boy! Even though he has a very bad luck he still keep pushing forward! Amazing!!'

'I want to be like him'

Kyojuro's the type of player to read and pay attention to every single lore of his fav character. Bennett, oh my how he wish he could've had bennett in his team. Every wishes he made would make him a c6 bennett main if only barbara wont stop coming home

"I really like you barbara but i dont want you!! Thank you for the c6 though!! I promise to use you in the future but just-" he prepares to wish

"not NOW!!" Clicks

The highest con of bennett he had ever gotten is probably c1. One day the paimon's bargain shop offered bennett as their monthly character. Kyojuro had never been so excited over a game before. He usually perks up over academics and not this kind of thing. But it's bennett, the character he admires the most.

Unfortunately he couldnt get it due to low currency. He had never feel so sad in his life.

"I shall not give up. Dont worry, i will be a c6 bennett main!!!"

He will be a c6 bennett haver!!

Type of player :

Carefully reads every stories and listens to their lines attentively. He finds it amazing how the company spent their everything on this game. It amazes him. From the stories, lores and lines, he truly appreciates it.

Balance his team pretty well. He mains bennett so he doesnt need that much of a healer in his team.

Enjoys bennett's hangout very much!! He tried to not get him killed by the dungeon's trap but ended up having to sacrifice him which ultimately ends the route. He had never felt so down and guilty before.

Not much of a damage dealer. He prefers to play it in normal mode and doesnt care that much about one shotting monster.

He feeds his character three meals a day!! If only there's a sleep option, he would be sending bennett to sleep first before the rest.

Everyone loves his teapot

Shinobu : found the game while she's scrolling through the app store out of boredom. Initially she played it on her phone but due to the fps and a really bad ping, so bad that douma wouldnt find her interesting anymore, she finally downloaded the game on her pc where things has starting to get real

"Ara, shinobu chan, it's lunch time already. Come downstairs please,"

"Sis give me five more minutes, JUST FIVE PLEASE I NEED TO KICK CHILDE's ASS,"

"he's not going anywhere sweetie,"

"yEAHH BUT MY BP IS,"

'Bp?'

"DIE DIE DIE!!" Aggresive clicking intensifies

"Shinobu chan dont hurt the keyboard that much!!"

She got lucky on the beginner's banner too and pulled a 5 star along with bennett and noelle. Who's the 5 star? Diluc Ragnvindr in all of his glory. Shinobu benched him sadly. She prefers sword over any other weapon

"I mean he's cool i guess but i just really dont get that 'WOAHHH COOL' vibe from him you know?"

"then give your diluc to me! I really want him so bad shinobu chan!"

Deep sighs "yeah sure. You can have my c2 diluc mitsuri..."

Loses 50/50 to diluc everytime everyone would think she either is lucky or cursed by the amount of that man greeting him on the screen. She still bench him though, sadly

"Im begging you, give me jEANN THE GRANDMASTER I NEED HEALER iN MY PARTY TO DO ABYSS

Type of player :

Suffers a lot in the abyss because she just want the primos which is a valid reason to do because that's the only thing that keeps her going

She's a sword character main. She'll properly build every character as either support or dps. The support would be kaeya and bennett, and her main dps ayaka

Ayaka main btw

Honestly at some point she wanted to quit the game because of how tiring it is but then inazuma came out

Fragile resin = 0

Resin = 160/160 happens once in a blue moon

"i should probably control myself with the amount of resin i've used,"

"But i cant,"

Hates domain but always can be seen playing in there

Only coops if mitsuri is there

"So that someone can calm me down,"

"That's not a really good reason shinobu chan,"

Sanemi : dude probably know the game through obanai. He watched the latter play and finds it interesting on how high the numbers he dealt. He loves challenges so a game like genshin impact would probably satisfy his need.

"Obanai, are you hearing this shit?"

"What is it sanemi, im busy doing this event,"

"That loser giyuu is also playing the game,"

"Oh yeah i know,"

"YOU KNOW? WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME??"

"i just know right after you told me,"

"...."

Sanemi's a meta but a mediocre one. He's meta but he doesnt show it that much. Probably buys welkin once in every three months or when he really needs it same goes with battle pass too. Honestly, he really just use his money when he really needs something

"Donno if my allowance can buy me a welkin so i'll probably skip,"

"But the next banner is zhongli's,"

"....."

"Ah fuck it," buys

My man cant dodge after he got zhongli. Its very painful because he used to studies the enemies movement in the early game so that he can utilizes it on the team but zhongli's shield is so tank he forgot that dodging exists

"Im gonna kill you and you and you hhahaahhaah just you wait im gonna shred all of yo- oh shit zhongli's shield. puT IT BACK PUT IT BACK ON,"

That one event where zhongli's shield plays an important role in the domain? Yeah, he felt like a god at that time. Even got his c2 on his rerun. Sanemi just really like zhongli because it kinda reminds him of himejima. Calm and wise and strong too. He looks up on that kind of person

"Zhongli sama, im in debt for all of your hard work protecting my team," bows and wipes tears

Type of player :

Spends a little money on the game to get what he wants

Zhongli main

Is that one player that has hoards of food but doesnt even use it

"Why need healer when you have zhongli's shield,"

Compare to kyojuro, he doesnt even touch the teapot because he finds it ridiculous and bothersome to create and design everything in it

Loves one shotting bosses and compares it to giyuu. He ask for advices from obanai regarding team build supports and stuffs

Doesnt do character's story quest. The key is full every single time. He unlocks it but leaves the quest like that.

"Ah shit, i accidentally activate the quest,"

His friend list only has obanai in it. Whenever people sent him friend request, he wouldnt hesitate, more like wouldnt care to accept it

They either have to coop in obanai's world or his world and after that, unfriend immediately

Says thank you after coop because he has manners and then completely disappears

"Zhongli main forever,"

Tengen : played since 1.0 this madlad has been staying loyal to the game ever since. Quite huge amount of money he spend on this game to be honest but he never gets broke by it. You can see his regular donation to the game by purchasing welkin and battle pass and some genesis crystal too. He's loaded with money, he didnt know what to do with it.

Uzui also plays honkai impact and guns girl Z so when he saw the unknown god at the intro , he was not surprised.

"Oh we have to pick between the siblings? Cool cool co- oh hi kiana,"

"Thats so herrscher of void hahahahah,"

Although he is a loyal fan to MihoYo games, he lost his composure when he saw the 1st genshin anniversary reward because what was that. Imagine getting billions of money and they give us this? Tengen cant believe this shit

"Oh god wtf was that reward, i have to draw to get a welkin and some primos?? aND I ALSO HAVE TO BE LUCKY? WHAT-"

"WHERE'S MY FREE MONA,"

In need of mona. He needs mona so bad he literally spent his money on standard banner to get mona but always ends up with qiqi. Not that he's complaining but he just wants the astrologist to complete the support team

"GOD QIQI YOU AGAIN? WTF WFF WTF-" converts genesis crystal to primigems

"Tengen, you should control yourself!"

"SHUT UP KYOJURO, IM GONNA WASTE MY MONEY TILL I GET HER,"

"yeah but my f2p ass is hurting with how many bennett cons you got," droops

Tengen sees potential in every character. Everyone has their weakness and strength so when kokomi comes out, he diss her at first but then realize maybe its a new way for a character. Adds the uniqueness if he may say so.

"Meh i dont care honestly. You guys should pull whoever you find nice or beautiful. Like me ;)"

"Who do you main uzui?"

"Beidou,"

Type of player

Spoils the storylines, lores, leaks A LOT THE REST HAVE TO BLOCK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Speed runs the game and has become an endgame player ever since but he still does his daily commission and helps people with domains and stuffs

R5 every battle pass weapon

Fights azhdaha for fun and to test out his characters rather than ruin guards and stuff

Mona wanter

Puts traveller as the pfp and doesnt display any showcase of his characters and namecards. You can only see his achievements and spiral abyss ( 12-3 ). Says its for fun and mystery

Throws a lot of pickup lines and roleplays a lot. Spams your chatbox messages with stickers and censored stuffs

Probably steals your ores and exotic things like violetgrass, qingxin and silk flowers

Screams in the chatbox whenever he saw Mona until Kyojuro had to calm him down

Changes signature every single time and sometimes put spoilers in it

In every survey he would complain "MihoYo where the fuck is my Mona,"

Doesnt heals his characters

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

[shijiujun]

history3 ep 9 summary - AKA SHAO FEI IS JEALOUS FOR 26 WHOLE MINUTES

GUYS YOU GONNA DIE OF LAUGHTER THIS EP OMFGGG WTF JUST HAPPENED?!!! although the jealousy was a bit much man

WE START OFF WHERE WE LEFT OFF LAST WEEK - OFFICE + ANDY

we start off with the massage scene again and oooh seductive andy’s tone as he tells tang yi to relax - nice hands and totally hypnotising YOU GO ANDY

bodydumb and shao fei teaming up is hilarious AND OMG so andy bends down to the floor like we all saw last week, and that’s when both bodydumb and shao fei literally gasp like HORRIFIED and just barge into the room to grab andy up and shao fei is all “what the fuck are you doing why are you crouching down what position is this?!”

CUE SLY ANDY JUMPING UP, POUTING AND THEN HIDING BEHIND TANG YI: “ah yi, this person is so fierce i’m so scared”

shao fei: “i’m now tang yi’s bodyguard and i feel that you’re dangerous and problematic so leave right now”

bodydumb at shao fei: “hey why are you snatching my job?!”

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BOTH OF YOU, AM I BACTERIA?!” - ANDY at shao fei and bodydumb WTF HAHAHAHAHA

omg andy is squatting down on purpose to fuck with them I LOVE HIM

THE NEXT SCENE - they move to the restaurant and geez where is andy GIVE ME MY ANDY but anyway SHAO FEI IS TOTES ANGRY AT TANG YI AND THEY’RE AT THE RESTAURANT AND OMG BODYDUMB YOU HAVE BEEN UPGRADED TO BODYGUARD HE TOTALLY SAW THE ATMOSPHERE AND WAS LIKE ALRIGHT TIME TO FUCKING EXIT instead of sitting around and watch th both of them

omgggggg shao fei is so jealous he’s eating so damn hard and noisily and tang yi is just laughing at him and he CHOKES HE FUCKING CHOKES because he’s eating so damn hard and angrily and tang yi just laughs at him he can’t take it anymore

tang yi insists that they’re friends - shao fei is like: “what kind of friends? there are the ones that go for karaoke, the friends that you exercise with.... and then then kind that do the OTHER kind of exercise, which kind are you guys?!” and after a while of him just talking tang yi interrupts him and goes: “are you trying to understand or are you jealous?”

SHAO FEI, WITHOUT HESITATION: “BOTH!!!!”

and then he denies it as he mutters to himself, and just look at how gleeful and happy tang yi is wtaf and then shao fei goes on and on about how andy has a boyfriend and what if his boyfriend came to find trouble with you? you already have so many enemies, now you want to add on another love-enemy?”

tang yi: “you’re thinking too much”

shao fei goes on as if he didn’t hear him: “you never know, things are crazy nowadays, did you see the news?!!!! etc. etc. especially because you’re so charismatic?!”

and tang yi just takes the praise in stride it’s amazing - and then because shao fei is so damn angry tang yi i think purposely picks up shao fei’s coke and drinks it with the spicy dish they’re having, and as expected, shao fei pauses in his tirade and goes: “hey, you’re drinking coke now?”

and tang yi NODS

OMFGGGGG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT - TANG YI IS SWEET!!! and shao fei spoils the moment (or makes it better, it’s up to interpretation): “you’re drinking my saliva (from the coke)”

OMGGGGG THE LADDER BODYGUARD DUDE IS QUITE HANDSOME TOO NO?!!!!

JACK is totally jealous that zhao zi is touching some other dude’s pecs and man-boobs, so he’s totally like come touch mine zhao zi don’t touch that old man’s!!!!

jack: “if you want, you can come check mine (muscles)”

he’s totally flirting, but zhao zi is like: “okay! you promised, no take backs, you can’t be shy on me later” 

jack: “me? i think you’re the one who will be scared” (BECAUSE THEY ARE THINKING OF DIFFERENT THINGS)

zhao zi: “this is nothing, back in the academy, i’ve even seen guys butt naked etc. etc.” - dear lord zhao zi you’ve got no idea, you’ve got NO IDEA HOW MUCH jack is thirsting over ur ass

more zhao zi and grandma backstory: SNIFFLES grandma died in his second year of police academy and paid for his education, but didn’t live to see him graduate, and i SWEAR IF JACK DIDN’T ALR LOVE HIM HE DOES NOW?! 

OMG ZHAO ZI CAN U BE MORE STEADY THAT WASN’T LIKE A FLIMSY LADDER?! anw they fall into the pool like in the trailer and omg i love them, and because jack is wearing a white see-through shirt which is totes translucent when he stands up from the pool and zhao zi is totally drooling at his man-boobs and then jack goes: “you’re kidding, you want to check now?!”

HONG YE walks past with Dao Yi, she’s here to discuss smth with Tang yi and waiting for him to come back and then she sees Jack and Zhao Zi in the pool and is like WTF - zhao zi recognises her face from interviews and tv that she’s done (probably for the company etc.) and intros himself as a police and then she ‘s like HMPH WTF and then stomps into the house

LOL - “HONG YE LOOKS LIKE MY GRANDMA” - ZHAO ZI QUOTE OF THE YEAR he’s damn lucky hong ye wasn’t in earshot when he said that she would have DESTROYED HIM

i wanna explain more about hong ye and glasses guy dao yi but i’ll do that after i get this out in full - in any case, she wants him, he obviously likes her, but refuses to be her boyfriend because he is having a dilemma, considering that he’s watched her grow up and also protected her since she was younger in a sense, he’s finding it hard to decide whether to treat her as his charge or a woman that can be his girlfriend

LOLOLOLOL

OMGGGG HOT DOCTOR?!!!!!!!! 

tang yi: “we’re here because i need to repay a debt”

shao fei: “what debt? why must you do it here?”

HOT DOCTOR POPS UP: “because there’s a bed~” - wow hot doctor way to go way to make shao fei go even more mad and jealous

OMFG - SHAO FEI’S EYES WHEN TANG YI STRIPS OFF CLOSE YOUR DAMN MOUTH FLIES ARE GONNA GO IN

OMFGGGGGGGGGG SHAO FEI PLSSSS

you guys can imagine what happens inside and what shao fei hears before barging in, things like “oh this is my first time, am i using too much force? etc. etc.” - of course, of course 

after shao fei barges in, gapes at tang yi, tang yi shooing him off cutely like he would his husband or lover, and then shao fei stomping out-

doctor dude at shao fei: “wow, wasn’t he a bit too angry?” - YEAH DOC YOU DON’T SAY

HE’S STILL ANGRY OMG SHAO FEI - “is your body meant for other people to touch?!!!!”

OH JESUS BASICALLY TANG YI SHRUGS OFF HIS JACKET AND PUFFS UP HIS CHEST AND GOES: “here you go, you wanna touch?!!!”

good on you shao fei, you didn’t take the bait like zhao zi did - he stomps into the house, goes to the fridge, grabs a drink, and then while pouting and obviously jelly still, he presses the drink to tang yi, and tang yi SMILES omgggg he’s killing me with his smiles

omg poooooor bodyguard - he thinks tang yi doesn’t know that shao fei likes him, so he’s trying to tell tang yi that shao fei has other motivations against him aka shao fei is lusting over him, but tang yi already knows?!!! tang yi tells bodyguard that if he cannot control himself, he’ll transfer him out of the house

OH SHIT: bodyguard goes outside, idk who the hell he is talking to but he says over the phone - “hey, it’s me, do you have time to meet?” - he’s definitely meeting a bad person, it could be hong ye but at this point it doesn’t look like it but it could be anyone’s guess

scene at tang yi’s office - he feels the tension between hong ye and dao yi, and basically she wants to make dao yi jealous and mad, so when dao yi suggests a project for tang yi to do, she steps in and goes: “i don’t think we should spend so much money on the project, can you loan me some people and i’ll do a site visit myself to check?”

and then she sees shao fei buddying up with the guy outside - LOL SHAO FEI LEGIT IS GANGSTERBAIT?!!!! EVERYONE ELSE LOVES HIM AND HE’S FRIENDLY W EVERYONE I HOPE

she sees him and she’s like: “i’ve been really good haven’t i? then i wanna go shopping, i want officer meng to guard me while i shop”

and dao yi is like GASPS: “no, miss, i’ll-”

hong ye: “it’s such a waste for a policeman like him to just stay in here doing nothing, he might as well protect me”

shao fei in the end, even though he protests a bit, but - omggggg the way shao fei listens to tang yi without much argument i love it, tang yi says that protecting hong ye is like protecting her, so shao fei smiles, nods, and goes, but not before saying to hong ye: “what is the worst that could happen (on the trip)?” - WOW FORESHADOWING, GOOD JOB SCRIPTWRITERS FINALLY ON THIS PART

i kind of liked this scene because it shows us the hong ye-shao fei sibling rivalry dynamic - challenging, but healthy challenging rather than heated, harsh barbs aimed to murder each other

okay at this point: we can CONFIRM more or less that the person on the photo isn’t glasses guy Dao Yi, because right after hong ye and shao fei leaves, tang yi is very friendly and warm towards dao yi: “if you won’t promise her, you can’t blame her for treating you like this”

dao yi: “it’s not that i won’t, it’s that i can’t”

tang yi: “if you think too much, you’ll just hurt each other”

it ends there - so GUYS we know we have the shooting tmr and hong ye’s shady scene, i really don’t think hong ye is evil at this point, but she could be doing something she thinks is in tang yi’s and the organization’s best interests, but is doing more harm than good - during the earlier scene in the ep w her and dao yi, dao yi mentions that she shouldnt be so concerned with how other ppl will view Xing Tian Meng and whether they would wanna do business with them because their company and the organization is all legal and clean now, so there’s no matter - but then hong ye replies: “that’s only when we’re FULLY legal and clean, not now” - it’s strange that she would make such a distinction, so i guess she is doing something shady but not totally evil, and my take is that when shao fei gets hurt for it, she feels guilty 

or she could be the person bodyguard is meeting?!!!

OR MAYBE I’M THINKING TOO MUCH INTO THIS GUYS

[titsthedamnseason]

If you haven't done it already can you do headcanons about Julian's birthday?

bitch you know it asdfghj and by some miracle ive actually gotten these done before the two weeks that could potentially be his birthday are over so happy birthday julian!!

julian has never really had a big birthday celebration before

of course emma and the kids and diana always got him gifts and spoiled him

you know, doing chores for him, letting him relax for a day, stuff like that

but poor julian is a worrier so he’d always end up insisting to help anyway, saying that he wanted to

he even would always make the cake since no one else could

it wasnt until later that everyone realized that every time they had tried to spoil julian on his birthday, he turned it around on them, and he wound up doing most of the work

they are determined to make his 18th birthday different

helen and aline are more than capable of holding down the fort now

plus julian and emma take a break from their travel year for the holidays and are in the institute for julian’s birthday

which could be anytime from jan 1-15 but my personal hc is that it’s on new years day (wink wink)

so anyway julian and emma will be in la for his bday and julian is a lot more carefree this year so everyone is highkey determined to give him the best birthday this year

nobody wakes him up early, and after staying up so late the night before his normal internal clock doesnt wake him up as usual

at 12am everyone else shouted “happy new year!” and emma shouted “happy birthday julian!”

anyway when julian does wake up, later than usual, his first instinct is to shoot out of bed and get the kids breakfast but he takes a moment to himself to revel in the fact that this is his first birthday spent waking up next to emma as her boyfriend

emma seizes her moment and convinces him to stay for just a while longer, im sure the kids are fine, helen and aline have been taking care of them for months

julian gives her like five minutes of kisses and cuddles before beelining for the kitchen

he finds that everyone else has already been up for an hour or so and has already eaten breakfast

the second he enters the kitchen everyone yells “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and he is bombarded with hugs and drawings and cards and stupid gag gifts from the kids that he accepts with a smile cristina and mark both hug him as well and he’s pleasantly surprised to see them

(if you read my tda holiday hcs i made them leave before this point but awsxdcfvgyh they come back to surprise him)

he grabs a plate for himself reluctantly, wont stop apologizing to helen and aline that he overslept

they keep telling him they dont care but, surprise surprise, he’s not listening

when julian goes back to his room to get dressed he finds emma already ready with his favorite blue dress of her’s on and holding a present for him

his reaction is “oh that reminds me” and he pulls out another gift from under the dresser

emma is like ????? and julian is like “…for you” and emma is still like ????? so then julian explains “i got you a new year’s gift too”

emma is like fuck that shit this is a birthday gift asdfgyhu “who the fuck buys new year’s presents” “i dont know i love you” “i love you too but what the fuck julian now i look bad” “you couldnt look bad if you were trying”

anyway after emma gets it through julian’s head that he does deserve a birthday gift and no, she refuses to open up his gift to her on his birthday, nice try, julian, he opens it up

it’s a new blue shirt that almost exactly matches emma’s dress which is “an unfortunate coincidence”

he cant stop telling her it’s too much, you shouldnt have, and emma is like hoe you think im done??? think again

but actually she doesnt say that, she just says youre welcome asdfghyuj

anyway

they go meet everyone in their matching outfits and they all just hang around a bit, there isnt much else julian could ask for than to be with his family

but at lunch emma surprises julian with a picnic for the two of them at the beach

she promises that she didnt touch the food, she had aline make it all asdfrghy

once they finish emma gives julian more presents(“this is a prank right?” “am i laughing? actually i am but not because this is a prank, please just open the presents” ) 

the first is a whole set of paints and brushes and other art supplies i know nothing about, all custom made, the brushes with inscriptions on the handles( “jb” “as long as you exist and i exist i will love you” “i love you more than starlight”)

julian: where did you get that last quote from?

emma: i thought of it

julian: *melts*

he asks how she knew what supplies to get him and she told him how she saw him looking at all this stuff back in that shop in london and went back to get it for him

he’s so touched

he is already certifiably not okay™️ because the whole day has been against everything he’s ever known and he feels weird, he just wants to give something to someone, literally anyone

julian is so happy and when emma pulls out an envelope he has to bite his tongue to keep from saying “oh no not again”

emma just gives him a look when she sees him holding back asdfgbhgt

he’s preparing himself for some sort of long sentimental card from her that will probably make him cry but what he gets is worse

it’s just a piece of paper that says “im having so much fun on our date right now, but id love it even more if you came with me to the louvre to our next one”

julian is shooketh to a level beyond all levels

he cant imagine why emma looks so worried he wont like it

they laugh and hug and then proceed to kiss a lot before going back to the institute 

julian is ready to just chill now 

he comes in and there are decorations filling the entryway

a million balloons, streamers, banners

he looks at emma who just shrugs but she’s smiling so big and has a knowing look on her face 

there’s a beautifully decorated poster next to the staircase that says “TAKE ONE” and there’s a party hat for emma and a ridiculous crown for julian that says “it’s my birthday!” under it

they follow a trail of posters with arrows on them to the living room(im pretty sure they dont call it that but the room with the computer in it is where they always hang out so that’s what i mean awsedfvgbh)

everyone yells “SURPRISE” when they walk in and julian is sure he’s in a permanent state of shock

like yes he just followed an entire trail of arrows to get here but it’s still so much more than he expected

they eat pizza and play music and all just hang out and it’s a fun time

at one point julian goes to adjust his crown but everyone thought he was taking it off and yelled at him aesdxcfvgbh

they play stupid party games like pin the tail on the donkey(which theyre all good at since theyre shadowhunters asdfghjui) and charades and stuff like that

everyone gives julian more presents and he thinks he might combust

they sing to him and have cake

they give him one more gift after they sing and it’s a photo album of julian and his siblings and emma through the years

there are ones of baby emma and jules playing to 12 year old julian intently speaking to ty and livvy to 14 year old julian reading with tavvy to 17 year old julian laughing with dru to ones with helen, mark, aline, and cristina in them and ones from the travel year and julian is amazed

he’s so touched and he’s proud that he only cries a little

a little after that everyone starts getting tired since they stayed up until midnight the night before

diana goes home, tavvy goes to bed, followed by dru and ty shortly after

when julian hugs ty on his way out he almost feels like livvy is there too, and he doesnt understand why ty goes pale when julian tells him, julian worries he shouldnt have said anything before ty just smiles and says “good” before walking out

everyone else goes to bed shortly after

julian and emma are laying in julian’s bed when she pulls out a card for him, but tells him it’s nothing special

he opens it and begs to differ

the front of the card says “so many ways to say i love you” and she has filled the inside with ways she said it over the years

“protecting you in fights”

“i’ll put the kids to bed tonight”

“i would do anything for you, jules”

“we’re parabatai, we can do this”(julian doesnt like this one)

“take a break”

“please stay”

“i need you”

“your hair is a mess”(“really emma? “shut up”)

the list goes on until it ends with “i love you. love, emma”

they are both crying at the end

“i love you so much, emma”

“i love you, t––”

she doesnt get to finish

they have more important things to get to and, needless to say, they dont get much sleep that night either

[goddamnmuses-a]

Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Alright so I did this for Episode I which you can find here and then Episode II which you can find here and then Episode III which you can find here. So here’s my weird live reaction/note taking/whatever this is.. to Episode lV.

I remember this being my favourite of the original trilogy because it sets everything up and basically kick started everything but lets see if that changes when i’ve finally got through all of these. 

Also I’m just watching whatever version i can find online because I can’t be bothered to go and find my dvd of it so yeah.. whether we get weird updated version or original effects or whatever, who knows. 

All the old effects like how C3p0 looks and r2d2 are impressive. 

There wasn’t really anything in the opening crawl i felt like commenting on, no big THEY DID THAT IN THE OPENING? but i guess it’s the first one that came out so that makes sense. 

WTF did the stormtroopers use to get that door open, that was so explosive wtf.

Also the blasters are like set to 10000 and smoke is everywhere. 

How did nobody shoot the dorids?

Yooo little Ani nice suit my dude. 

Hold on, she sent a msg with r2 to go to Obiwan which for 1 howd she know he’s alive? I’m gonna presume her dad said or something and 2.. ..why not just.. go yourself? 

So when they’re set to stun a Stormtrooper can shoot someone no problem

Also we dont get enough stun weird circle blaster shots

Ohhhh she didnt go because the scan for lifeforms thing alright ill allow it

but my dude.. even so.. maybe just shoot it just in case? like.. droids exist and people know about them?

DARTH VADERS LITTLE HANDS ON HIPS! Omfg he’s like “God damn, this bitch again.”

This Vader is a sassy boy. 

I love this guy who works with Vader and doesnt mind chatting back to him. 

Loving the droids in the desert. 

R2 does not look like it would work in a desert. 

C3 like “He tricked me into going this way” stop being a lil bich. 

WOOTINI!

The crawler thingy is badass. 

I thought that was a magnet it was just a big sucky pipe. 

GONK

Oh yep theres the new effects. 

Droids sleep? I guess power saver mode. 

Wtf is that dome droid

Luke! Luuuuuke! Iconic 2 words there. Well reused for that episode of Rebels where Obiwan watches from a distance. 

Bocce.. what a classic language. 

OMG OWEN JUST LET HIM GO INTO TOSHE STATION TO PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS JEEEEZ 

How is that “wasting time with friends” and not chores, going into town to get something sounds like a chore to me. 

Why did they get an atromech anyway? Like.. what’d they need the other droid for? 

C3 is a real bro lbh, if it wasn’t for him, R2 would be with the jawa still. 

Oooh oil bath. sexy. 

I wonder if people ship R2 and C3 because tbh it makes sense to me. 

Luke got an erection at the mention of the rebellion. 

Now it’s getting harder at that random blurry image of his sister. 

R2 is a cheeky lil shit. 

This is just some good home life shit. 

Dat soundtrack. 

You know what.. it’s a really nice home. 

Is it just me or is Owen dressed kinda Jedi-y. 

So is “Sand People” like the racist way to say “Tusken Raider”?

Obiwan, thats a ridiculous fucking noise. 

“Hello There” iconic. 

You know what the Prequels do add a lot to this. 

A young Jedi named Darth Vader.. im sorry.. thats just not a name. 

For someone who wants to get off the planet, Lukes like “Naa but i gotta get home”

Obiwan also just being like “You know what, fuck it here.. lets go.”

You know what as much of a bitch as that guy who gets force choked is, he’s a good actor. 

Also Tarkin yay. 

NOOOOO OWEN AND BERU! YOU BASTARDS!

I feel like he should have dropped to his knees or something there. 

That is a scary droid. 

Cool door close. 

Thats a weird ass CG droid with a hole in. 

None of the other storm troopers gonna wonder why Dave’s being weird? 

Wahey! Figrin Dan and the Model Nodes! Love that Jizz music. 

Who just ugs on the back of a bartenders shirt? Wtf Luke

Yo he didnt even pay for his drink, free drinks?

Who gets the death sentance in 12 systems and goes around bragging? 

The first arm cut off and theres all sortsw of blood which there shouldnt be because lightsabers cauterize the wound, tut tut. 

Gooood scene with Han and Obi, honestly i keep forgetting to comment because im just watching xD

Wahey! Greedo 

If we’re doing a han shot first thing.. Greedo shot first in this version and missed and then Han shot him but tbh i prefer the Han shot first.. makes him more interesting. 

Jabba looks smaller. 

Casual Boba Fett appearance. 

Yooo Poncho. My boy Cal approves. 

Fuck those weird long nose aliens. 

The Falcon looks so good. 

Get those poor guys by the Death Star laser a damn rail. 

We just cool with igniting the lightsaber in front of Han and Chewie? Chewie at least knows wtf it is.

Chewie is a badass. 

Let the Wookie win. 

WTF that isnt the lightspeed effect.. it’s like a weird blanket tunnel 

The fact they get onto the Death Star with no issue is kind of ridiculous. 

The motion of Darth Vader is kinda just.. not fitting right. 

Han just pat Chewie like hes a dog. Rude. 

Han just gets caught up in this without a choice rly. 

He just wants those sweet credits. 

Also Set Design on Star Wars is amazing. 

Leia just lounging all sexy like 

Also does she have a stain on her tit? .. Not that im looking >.>

The Jedi being called a religion is kinda weird but i guess accurate. 

This has to be the worst star to a friendship for all three of them. Chewie seems cool though. 

I also thought the trash compactor scene was earlier on in this movie than it is. 

Who the fucks voice was it that said “Thats your imagination” ? 

How the fuck are they standing if the water is that deep?

I liek the touch of the monster whos name im sure i learnt but forgot let go as if it knew the trash compactor was about to turn on, that implies it has a safe spot down there that it stays. 

Some of the voices sound off on this but ah well 

Hans already a little Handsy with Leia but i think Harrison Ford was sleeping with Carie at the time so like.. i get it. 

Obiwan just strolling about, as you do. 

I love just these giant pits with walkways with no rails. If I worked on the Death Star it’d be a nightmare for me to get around. 

“NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR!” ...and they’re not gonna hear you shouting?

Stormtroopers just shooting the shit is the best. 

You know what with everyone being like “Wow that ships a shitheap.” I can understand why the prequels made their ships look nicer and newer. 

I love that shooting a door panel in star wars just makes it so the doors wont open at all, thats some good shit. 

Lukes as bad of a shot as a Stormtrooper. 

First little kissy incesty moment but hey it was on the cheek, universally thats fine but im sure at the time this was him setting up that Luke and Leia were gonna end up together, before he decided they were siblings. 

Vader just standing there, lightsaber already out like “Ahhh Mr.Kenobi I’ve been expecting you”

As lack luster as the chroeography is in this fight im kinda thinking of it as like, they’re reading each other, like Obiwan and Maul’s final fight. 

I don’t really know why Obiwan just chooses to die like that but heyo. 

Vader stomping on Obiwans clothes? Why? I guess because he gave himself to the force and thats the first time he’s seen that? 

I love the gunner seats moving around, idk why i just love it. 

Whats the point of the ear peices if they’re just gonna shout at each other. 

Not mentioned it until now but everyone says Leia wrong. 

They’re really harsh to Han tbf

This is like if you got an Uber to a place and then the Uber driver got pulled into a police station because you’re a terrorist and then you have a go at the Uber driver for wanting to leave after he’s got you out of there. 

Another kiss for Luke.. .. okay

I like how Biggs earlier scenes are deleted so when he shows up it’s just this random dude who somehow knows Luke

That air traffic control guy has no idea what hes doing, nobody is even in the air yet or moving, wait. 

Man X wings are cool, makes me think of Battlefronts VR mission thing where you get to pilot one and it’s the coolest VR thing ive done. 

For a space station the size of a moon you’d think they’d have enough fighters to just wipe out the rebels no biggy. 

ALSO if they know the rebel base is on that planet, why not just blow that planet up? 

YAY WEDGE

The targetting computer seems very invasive. 

Those turrets are useless. 

I would have rated it if they let that random dude blow up the Death Star.

Tarkins thinking face is beautiful. What a man, 

If Luke missed this shot, everyone knows he’s turned his targetting computer off, so they would be PISSED

RIP R2. 

HWHAT!? 

Woooo Mr.Solo. 

Well.. Well done Luke you killed a lot of people, some just trying to do a job and live their lives. 

Han, Leia and Luke all went off together all holding each other.. like.. Threesome? 

I’m sorry but after that, someones doing some fucking. 

Leia just giving her lovers, dont @ me, a medal. Thats why Chewie doesnt get one, he wasnt there for the orgy. 

R2 looking fresh. 

You know what, that is a good complete story that actually works on its own, i appreaciate that. 10/10. :P

[sisyphus-prime]

I've found there's nothing more frustrating than comparing one's punishments to the ones their little siblings get compared to ages. Not that they aren't punished the way I was, but just how much I was punished compared to them

[miimzys-blog]

hello, hello everybody!!! my name is morgan, i’m 19 and im from the est timezone !!! uhh i dont have a lot to say about myself . i havent been in an rp in a hot second and im so excited to hop back in . anyway, here’s mimzy. if you’re interested in plotting, please like this or hmu!

( ARIANA GRANDE, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ) – wait a minute, wasn’t that TWENTY-THREE year old MIMZY MARCONI walking through the town square? i heard that they’ve been living in augusta for THEIR WHOLE LIFE and they live at SUNSHINE SQUARE. i often see them at LAS DEUX where they spend their time as A BARTENDER. the people closest to them say that they are HUMOROUS & IMAGINATIVE but can also be STUBBORN & UNREALISTIC ( morgan, est ) « [ muse a in plot 19 ] »

oh dear mimzy

mess of a child . so wild. fears nothing. will do anything and everything. favorite game is truth or dare, and she always picks dare. she craves fame and adventure and is always the one whos like “y’know what, we should go drive to new york fuckin’ city today . do we all have enough to chip in for a hotel room? yeah, we can all pile into a bed, lets go” just... spontaneous shit like that. give her a full tank of gas and shes off to go

mimzy grew up kinda emo. it was always just her and her mom who was always grinding to get enough money to raise them both . her dad skedaddled on out before she was born bc he was a piece of shit cokehead who slept around and used her mom for sex. her mom was this .. innocent lil bean . we stan mimzys mom . 

now being as broke as they were, mimzy always felt bad asking for anything from her mom. she knew her mom couldnt do it which would just make her feel bad so she turned to, u guessed it, theft ! and she got good at it. shes been caught a few times tho, her biggest problem being when she stole from a sephora despite the fact that everyone knows u shouldnt even try to steal from a sephora. mimzy, ur an idiot. she was on probation a few times as a minor and was lucky enough to slip out of juvy. it was always a thing tho . she wanted the best of the best, and she couldnt have it. 

this is why she turned to stealing. shes muse a in plot 19, aka the ringleader of a group of young adults who steal from the richer peoples houses. 

shes never been too intelligent or good in school which is why shes always kept a lower end job and relied on stealing and selling things to get by. shes never felt that she had too much of a purpose in life

miscarriage tw: mimzy was always someone who slept around a lot, just loved havin a good time and didnt want to settle down until late in life . besides, she didnt think she was really worthy of anyone dating. when she was 18 she found herself pregnant after a hookup with one of her friends. she’ll never say this too publicly to anybody, but when she found out she was actually excited, thinking that maybe being a mom could be a purpose for her in her life, but ... she had a miscarriage and lost her child, and it was a pretty brutal one. i’ll spare u the details. ever since then tho shes kinda just .. lost her purpose even more . just kinda livin life . 

anyway sorry to end this on an emo note thats mimzy tho

wanted plots; 

roommate

confidant

fwb

ex fwb

someone who used to rly like her but she turned them down :/ sry mimzy sucks w that

uhhh ? the dad of the baby she lost? sick

a cousin perhaps?

some close pals

siblings of her close pals

enemies

unlikely pals

someone who often buys the things she steals off of her

ok this all i got rn pls give me better ideas

[thebellwitchblog]

Reasons why my life is a fanfic

I dated my roommate fall semester freshman year of college. I was literally the “And they were roommates” vine.

He was set to inherit part of his father’s manufacturing company, so I would have been pretty comfortable if we stayed together.

Said roommate then started dating the Resident Adviser (an upperclassman over our hall for those of you that don’t have them)

I then got said RA fired cause I'm petty and found out they started shit while I was dating the ex in question.

I got engaged early 2018 to someone I'd been in love with since I met them. But we were only marrying so I could have his health insurance. He didn't know I was in love with him. But then drama happened, so it got called off. 

I'm now engaged to the same friend again, but this time I'm not in love with him. (Edit: still in love with him just in denial)

New years eve party 2019 I finally got with someone I was interested in two years before and then realized he wasn’t that good.

While my mother was in the hospital I found the cute charge nurse for our floor on Grindr and hooked up. Then he caught feelings and I bailed.

Because of my mother being in the hospital among other reasons, decided to do the semester online rather than go back to campus, and a whole lot of fuckery ensued.

Such as reconnecting with three people I've almost dated in the past and finding out they're all still in love with me.

But not being on campus for a semester meant drifting from a guy I had been really interested in dating eventually. Still feel bad about that.

I once dated someone that went on to get... third place in a season of American idol? Then got blamed for them losing 😒😒😒 cause we broke up partway through the contest cause they were cheating on me. (I'm not gonna put their name or even gender out cause I'd rather not be connected to them.)

Also dated another person that a few years after we lost touch went on to be the bassist for a band that became reasonably popular for a bit before fading to obscurity.

My mother's family used to own all of the land that would become Austin, TX. And that was the poorer side of the family.

But because of cousins cheating my side of the family out of inheritances through the generations and then my mother's poor decisions we're now the poor family.

My grandmother's maiden name was Towles, which was originally Towle, as in Towle Silver. And that wasn’t even the main part of the family’s wealth.

A bit further back in my mother's ancestry are the Bell family. If you've heard of the Bell Witch of Tennessee, you've heard of my many times great grandmother Elizabeth "Betsie" Bell.

My mother was engaged to the then-heir-now-owner of Johnson & Johnson at one point.

Mother was a serial fiancee. She was engaged more times than years shes been alive (she's in her 50s) and hardly remembers any of them.

I've been engaged to... 3 different people? Only cause I usually jump ship before they get the idea in their head to propose.

My maternal grandmother found out that my grandfather had two different wives in other states (he worked for the railroad. Ended up being a multimillionaire before he died) and told him never to step foot in her city again or she'd take him to court for every penny he had (she was the first wife and had two kids by him) but refused to ever divorce him.

His horses were mentioned in his obituary but not my mother or her brother. I think only the two daughters he had by his most recent wife were mentioned out of all of his kids.

My mother's godfather was a hitman. And a few of her cousins were part of the drug side of the mafia. But we don't have anything to do with them anymore.

My mothers first husband was abusive. She hit him so hard with a frying pan that the vibrations in it caused her to drop it. The handle broke when it hit the floor.

She repeatedly beat the same husband's head into the bar of a fold out couch so hard that the bar went from bending slightly upwards to downwards.

Mentioned this in another post, but when I was kidnapped by my own father at the age of 6, my mother called said cousins and had new identities, jobs, and housing set up for us as well as transportation and an extraction team set to kill everyone and rescue me. Thankfully it didn’t have to come to that.

Going back to the Bell thing, supposedly my mothers family have been a long line of mediums, psychics, etc. At least one person in each generation is born with an innate ability to see/commune with spirits or get visions.

It's probably partially because of that I ended up practicing magic as well. Being a witch counts as a reason my life is a fanfic right? Lol

First time I went to a beach (while kidnapped, but before it was revealed I wasn’t going to be returned home) I got lost in the ocean. I was underwater for 10 minutes before washing up on shore perfectly fine.

I've fallen through two ceilings and been perfectly fine. One time I fell right next to a set of stairs. Is this plot armor?

Honestly the sheer amount of times I’ve come within a hair’s breadth of dying or, logically, should have died is insane and many of my friends now believe me to be immortal.

I wasn’t supposed to have been born. My mother was prone to miscarriages and due to scar tissue shouldn’t have even been able to conceive anymore. Plus she went into labor with me at 18 weeks, but they managed to stall it till I was born at 32 weeks. 

They thought I had cystic fibrosis when I was a wee baby and thus didn’t expect me to live. Turns out I just had really really bad allergies. 

Some people believe me to be the reincarnation of my grandmother. I look and act just like her, even have the same taste preferences for the most part, am named after her in two ways, was conceived a week or two after she died, and my original due date was her birthday. Which, just like when she was born, fell on mother’s day that year.

I was born in the middle of March in the American South. What began as rain turned to snow as I was born, and even accumulated enough for my elder siblings to go play out in it.

I have a collagen disorder that, while making me extra flexible, also means I'm prone to injuries, have a poor immune system, could spontaneously have an organ rupture, have spinal issues, bad knees and hips, etc. Also causes migraines and could be a possible cause of my mental illnesses.

Almost every best-friend I've had growing up had admitted to being in love with me. The other two or three admitted to crushing on me.

Despite being the exact opposite kind of person you would expect to be, I was at the top of the social ladder in high school. I was openly LGBT, an art kid, and one of the nerds, but because I was fairly charismatic and great at manipulating authority I had the backing of almost everyone both in the student body and the faculty. Anyone that had a problem with me couldn't act against me without having almost everyone turn against them. It was nice.

I have an unhealthy addiction to coffee. Surely that's a requirement for relatable fanfic protags.

[pinkcloudsnightlightbell-remade]

TW heavy

For once I don't feel like asking advice would be a sign of weakness.

I WANT AND DESERVE MORE. I WANT TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO KEEP WANTING TO DIE. I DONT WANT THIS AND I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. LIFE AND STRENGTH AND LOVE SEEMS SO FAR AWAY TIL RECENTLY. BUT IM STILL SO TRAUMATIZED AND SO PRONE TO DEREALIZING. HEALTH AND HAPPINESS ISNT A PRIVILEGE RIGHT...? I WANT MORE. ISNT LIFE A RIGHT

Even if my parents have done their middle class most to feed house and even help get me out of credit pits and even though they aren't physically abusive they have been abusive to my older sister who committed suicide after secretly being a victim of child sexual assault dismissive neglectful emotionally mute narcissistic feudalistic and ableist and rape apologists. I HAVE built up this role and this mask where I am tolerable to them so they do not find me problematic day to day. I keep telling myself that I can be bitter but I just can't shake this feeling that maybe I'm just an entitled millennial who got cucked and I'm wrong. But I have been formulating a plan to get a diploma while I am under their roof then run away one night with some money saved and live alone instead of doing this song and dance of bad class analysis where I pretend like I'm not supposed to be doing anything remotely political just put my head down work make money be less of an embarassment go to a bank get loans just to get degrees certificates jobs get cars move around be socially pleasant meet someone to make babies with (I'm bisexual/pansexual and poly...But I am trans and my parents have major issues confronting that even if they pretend to be absolutely progressive minded" (TM) like being literate and half way informed is the same thing as actually really thinking about microaggressions and oppressive behaviours they enact in oorder to be better supports which they haven't) and while their ~support~ of me being mentally ill/disabled and actively suicidal is something that did come across the first week of our bereavement--literal days before the funeral-- their twisted toxic manner of mourning has made me suicidal at least three times as of 27th December 2018; and their responses to coming out as transmasculine and bi was dont get all PC snowflake on us (Read:shut up about it unless we feel ready to go ask you curtly and rudely) and then two days after when I actually felt soft and tender enough to say I had visions of dying violently because of how terribly small and useless I currently feel they begged and begged me to make calls on my own and handle things myself because Hey We Are Really The Ones Who Are Suffering And Mourning Why Are TWO of Our Daughters Suicidal I Am Truly Suffering. Implied--"we will have insurance cover this therapy shit you should be happy haven't we mentioned it to your idiot face already just leave us alone about this shit". I may have had to survive day after day through my depression since 2014 by thinking they weren't people to open up to but that doesn't mean that they can say that. Imply that. They CANNOT

They cannot.

But they did.

They did it. They fucking did that when my heart finally came around to a place of, "Well I understand that they haven't experienced surviving and being a victim of violence and victim blaming and being transgender is foreign and even vilified so that's fair and here are all their siblings coming to the funeral to feed and help us in the aftermath and to keep us housed through all the preparations so how come, among and amidst all this compassion, they seem so hit by Stupid Bitch disease? Wtf why *shouldnt* anybody deal with depression by themself!

" I don't know that all the fear you felt before this bereavement of being in the same room holds up when they can just be seen as foolish and immature. You can 100% deal through therapy with the ableism and gaslighting you endured the silence around your constant issues with being fired at jobs you hated the the moments of realizing they want to be white passing and are sociopathically happy to be alone and have no hobbies and live in codependent relationships where they treat others like infant children or wayward siblings who need a firm hand but not heart to heart talks or reassurances or loving toughness... so just try to be uncomfortable and just shore up and bolster your underlying hope of seeing your long held affectionate blindly loyal love reciprocated.

"Keep up that small hope and bury all your pain and your furious and sour resentment if it means their happiness is number one in my life. Just do it Isagani! Do that... because it is Good." I tried it and I fell apart. I functioned for a week or two but now I am just as prone to sleeping and alcoholism and moreover, I want to escape but now I feel like hiding my desires to just pay my own way through art college and transitioning in a nearby city is nothing compared to our long history of living as a dysfunctional but somewhat stable household. /:

I FEEL like I understand I should leave but I suddenly feel ... IDK like I'm sinning before Jesus himself. What would it mean to pick up a backpack my laptop and a suitcase of clothes and some money and just go...and... Wouldn't it destroy their happiness and their legitimacy as NOT bigoted parents and NOT bad community members and NOT hypocritical and NOT at all to be blamed. ////:

I would leave them a note... I would say to meet me in 2027 in a town I feel has a small leftist community called Tavistock in South Devon in Britain and I would leave a blog entry where I detail my grief and my pain.

I wrote the post one evening on the 19th where I realized I've been covering for them even though my little lesbian moderately autistic and anxious sister had her birthday and needs my brutal honesty and my parents to stop dismissing me the most.

It (the blog post that is) speaks to my analysis of their issues and I don't want to leave without a note because they might feel like I have just gone away in a panic and might turn up dead just as my late sister did... What I want to know is should I make an escape, or should I stay with them.

I need to decide but I feel so confused. Please help I think I ... can't see a way out

■

isagani \ 26.\ marxist feminist \ communist \ atheist \ very bi. \ filipino migrant. \ transgender nb. \ femme in the s.g.a. woman sense.(anons are open) \ 4 years past a severe depressive breakdown. \ scorpio passing

[fairycosmos]

I have social anxiety, depression, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, a Vicodin addiction, suicidal, eating disorder... and now I can add raped to that list. I can't keep living.

you can. that’s the thing. you can keep living. even if it feels like you’re at the end of your rope, you’d be surprised by what you can deal with if you just give yourself a chance. i know it just seems like one thing piling up on top of another, but you can work through it all. you can. you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. all of the things you’re dealing with, all of the things that have happened are not down to you. please listen to me, just level with me for a minute. i’m so so sorry that you’ve had to go through all of that. there’s no excuse for it, no justification or reason behind it. you didn’t deserve to go through any of that shit. and you haven’t been treated the way you should have been treated, okay? it wasn’t your fault, and it’s not right and again, i’m so fucking sorry because i have no idea how hard this must be for you. i won’t even try to understand your pain, but i know that you’re strong enough to get from one minute to the next. and right now, that’s seriously all you need to do. idk the details of your situation, but if you’re able to i’d really urge you to tell somebody what’s happened to you. whether it’s a parent, a sibling, or the police. you’ve done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t have to stay quiet about it. this isn’t something you need to hide, though i understand that it’s probably really difficult to talk about. but whoever did this to you shouldn’t get away with it. you deserve justice and peace of mind. i know that telling someone might feel like a bit much right now, and of course the choice is yours. however you want to deal with this, it’s okay. as long as you try to stop fighting yourself, okay? please please allow yourself to get the help and care that you need. you don’t have to go through this alone. i know it sounds like empty words right now, but it’s not. it’s just the truth. you’re not alone.

you are so much more than your mental illnesses. you are so much more than what you’ve been through. yes, it’s a part of you. but it hasn’t consumed you, even if right now it feels like it has. there are a lot of people that can relate to what you’re dealing with. there are so many people that have gotten passed what you’ve been through because they made their own mental health and safety a priority. i know it’s difficult, i know. but i fucking promise that it’s not always going to feel this intense, it’s not always going to feel so bad. seriously, all you need to do is make the first step and help yourself in any way that you can. being raped is a terrible, traumatic thing and it’s okay to need help in order to overcome it. you can’t control what other people do to you. you can’t control what has happened to you. but you can control how you react to it, and you can choose where you go from here. there are a lot of ways to get help, there are real professionals out there that can and will get you through this if you just ask them to. you genuinely have more options than you realize. if you haven’t talked to a doctor or therapist, please please do. or even just speak to any mental health group/organization in your area. they can offer guidance, coping mechanisms, medication if necessary. they can offer you a way forward, even if it all seems so hard right now. i know it’s overwhelming, i get that. it might feel like you don’t even have the energy to move right now, to get through one second to the next. but you will. just please believe me when i say that you are a good person, you deserve help and love and you don’t have to believe everything that your brain is telling you. keep in mind that you suffer from mental illness, which really does twist your perception of everything into some negative and dark even if it’s not, you know? you’re not always going to feel the way you do right now, lovely. just take it one step at a time and you’re going to be okay. check out these links while you decide what you to do next and how to give yourself what you need -

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm

https://dealingwithrape.com/

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-assault-help

http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietysymptoms.html

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://psychcentral.com/lib/five-beginning-steps-for-dealing-with-trauma/

https://themighty.com/2017/01/survivor-tips-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

please, please promise me that you’ll stay alive. for yourself, and for those who love you. it’s going to be okay. one day at a time. one minute a time. even one second at a time, that’s all you need to get through now. you’re so much fuckin stronger than you realize,  you know? i really mean that from the bottom of my heart. if you stick around, you aren’t going to regret it. it’ll be so fucking worth it. you deserve to be happy, you deserve love and warmth and light and you’ll find all of that if you allow yourself to heal, if you do what you need to do and give yourself the tools you need to recover. i really genuinely hope that you find it in you to keep going. i care, and a lot of other people do too. i’m seriously always here if you ever need to talk, and if you’re ever thinking about doing something stupid then you can ALWAYS message me and i’ll listen and i’ll help you. like i said, you’re not alone. just check out those links and let yourself breathe for a few days. talk to someone whenever you feel ready. again, whatever you want/need - it’s okay. i hope your pain eases soon. whatever happens, every feeling you have is just temporary. you’ll make it if you just try, okay? stay strong. 

[drummingz]

1 through 200 BINCH TIME FOR PAYBACK

(( ask meme under cut !!! ))

200: My crush’s name is: dda;;a nNNy;y199: I was born in: the usa198: I am really: gay197: My cellphone company is: one that i hate196: My eye color is: hazel195: My shoe size is: 5 ½ apparently194: My ring size is: wat193: My height is: 5′1″192: I am allergic to: nothing191: My 1st car was: :)190: My 1st job was: :)189: Last book you read: waarrrrioorr  ca,,attss188: My bed is: decent . my mom got it w/out considering wat i thought was comfy so187: My pet: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs186: My best friend: ghsgg i cant decide i hav a lot of best friends 185: My favorite shampoo is: i184: Xbox or ps3: ps3183: Piggy banks are: functional but i only use them for cosmetics182: In my pockets: i dont have pockets atm181: On my calendar: i never mark my calender bc i always forget180: Marriage is: a possibility for the future179: Spongebob can: absorb water178: My mom: is an abusive sack of shit177: The last three songs I bought were? :3c176: Last YouTube video watched: grian build battle175: How many cousins do you have? i prob have more but ive only ever met like 2174: Do you have any siblings? yeah but theyre all half siblings & i never grew up with them173: Are your parents divorced? nah172: Are you taller than your mom? not by a long shot171: Do you play an instrument? i learned recorders in school … and i have a guitar …i dont rly play it tho170: What did you do yesterday? streamed w icey!!!! @god-kit & thn drew a bunch !!![ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: lol hell no168: Luck: kinda167: Fate: kinda166: Yourself: r u joking165: Aliens: yeah164: Heaven: eh163: Hell: eh162: God: kinda161: Horoscopes: kinda . i dont really believe it but its fun to find similarities in urself and ur zodiacs .160: Soul mates: kinda159: Ghosts: yeah158: Gay Marriage: um lmao yeah??? anyone who thinks otherwise pls unfollow me157: War: like ice said i dont believe it should happen but i know it still exists156: Orbs: oworbs?155: Magic: yeah my brothers a witch[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: both153: Drunk or High: high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: i dont have a preference150: Blondes or Brunettes: still dont have a preference149: Hot or cold: cold bc at least u can warm up . its much harder to cool down when ur hot148: Summer or winter: winter147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: both have their ups & downs144: Oranges or Apples: apples i hate oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont have a preference142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: both140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: flips138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet & poor137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi136: Hillary or Obama: i dont really get super involved in politics so i dont really have a preference135: Burried or cremated: cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing even tho im bad @ that too133: Coach or Chanel: wh132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: r these celebrities131: Small town or Big city: big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: target bc wal-mart is smely & got rid of littlest pet shops >:(129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: no one bc idk who ben stiller is128: Manicure or Pedicure: i never learned the difference so idk127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast bc west is a better word than east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags123: Yankees or Red Sox: plz[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: i dont really have a fleshed out opinion on war i think its bad tho121: George Bush: dont wanna get into politics but i dont like him120: Gay Marriage: im 120% for it but it shouldnt Have to be a law to be a thing lmfao119: The presidential election: needs major improvement118: Abortion: its good for ppl who need or want the option!! pro choice !!!117: MySpace: YourSpace?116: Reality TV: i have a soft spot for reality shows115: Parents: ive never met good parents , only heard of them . good parents r cryptids114: Back stabbers: i hope they choke113: Ebay: its where i got my chowder keychain so its ok i guess112: Facebook: its boring111: Work: dont have an opinion yet110: My Neighbors: i dont trust them109: Gas Prices: i dont have a car so i dont really care108: Designer Clothes: i dont . care . theyre super overpriced tho & cater to skinny people107: College: wish it wasnt so expensive106: Sports: dont care105: My family: hate them104: The future: im not gonna have a future bc of my mom[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: 102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: 100: Cried in front of someone: 99: Went to a movie theater: december 201698: Took a vacation: uhhh that was literal years ago & we just took a short trip to colorado springs for like a week97: Swam in a pool: i dont remember96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: depends94: Went to a wedding: never93: Broke a bone: neVER AND I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY92: Got a peircing: april 201691: Broke the law:90: Texted: it depends[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: danny88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my piggies & dogs87: The last movie I saw: a horror movie i dont remember the name of86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: nothing lol my lifes going nowhere85: The thing im not looking forward to: having to suffer through life84: People call me: grizz83: The most difficult thing to do is: be alive82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: scorpio (or virgo , depending on which version you use)80: The first person i talked to today was: icey @god-kit​79: First time you had a crush: first grade78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: icey @god-kit​, danny77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: no one75: What are you going to do when you grow up: idk74: I have/will get a job: idk73: Tomorrow: idk72: Today: draw71: Next Summer: idk70: Next Weekend: idk69: I have these pets: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs68: The worst sound in the world: idk67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mom i hate her66: People that make you happy: all of my friends65: Last time I cried: two nights ago64: My friends are: the best 63: My computer is: cool ig62: My School: LOL61: My Car: i dont have one60: I lose all respect for people who: are shitty59: The movie I cried at was: inside out58: Your hair color is: brown but its so dark it looks black57: TV shows you watch: we bare bears , chowder56: Favorite web site: sparklecare hospital55: Your dream vacation: idk54: The worst pain I was ever in was: being alive53: How do you like your steak cooked: idk52: My room is: messy51: My favorite celebrity is: no one50: Where would you like to be: in a grave49: Do you want children: maybe idk48: Ever been in love: yeah . and most of them were terrible47: Who’s your best friend: wasnt this question already asked46: More guy friends or girl friends: idk45: One thing that makes you feel great is: my friends being happy 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: danny , icey , panda43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: no40: Last person I got mad at: idk39: I would like to move to: idk38: I wish I was a professional: artist[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: chocolate36: Vehicle: idk35: President: idk34: State visited: colorado33: Cellphone provider: sprint32: Athlete: idk31: Actor: idk30: Actress: idk29: Singer: owl city28: Band: imagine dragons27: Clothing store: idk26: Grocery store: idk25: TV show: chowder , we bare bears24: Movie: inside out23: Website: sparklecare hospital22: Animal: guinea pigs , bears , dogs21: Theme park: worlds of fun20: Holiday: christmas , halloween19: Sport to watch: idk18: Sport to play: wii tennis17: Magazine: woman’s world but only for the sudoku16: Book: i only ever got into magic tree house , warrior cats , and percy jackson so idk15: Day of the week: thursday14: Beach: idk13: Concert attended: never12: Thing to cook: i cant cook11: Food: spaghetti10: Restaurant: golden corral9: Radio station: idk8: Yankee candle scent: idk7: Perfume: idk6: Flower: idk5: Color: green4: Talk show host: idk3: Comedian: idk2: Dog breed: chow chows1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah

[meanderfall]

🎶 😒 📝 ✏ 🔮 📅 😡 and finally my love, will you 💍?

🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs?

okay okay, i have like all time faves, but i think I’ll name the top five atm, bc they really connect with me at this point in my life

Son by Sleeping at Last, Dream by Imagine Dragons, 99 by Mob Choir (which the opening theme for an anime lmao but it’s really good i promise! at least look up the lyrics before you start judging me okay and it sounds super good!), Not Today by Imagine Dragons, and I’m Still Standing the cover version by Taron Egerton (aka the version in Sing)

😒 - Biggest pet peeve?

the problem with this question is that whenever it comes up, i always forget what they could be, or if i even have pet peeves jesus. Fuck, at this point the most common annoyance I have are my younger siblings not turning off the shower all the way even though you can still hear the water running. OH OH, here’s one! people who dont fucking flush after using the toilet what’s wrong with you why would do that, especially in a public restroom! what the hell!

📝 - Story from your childhood.

dkljfkgh;, shit, the only stories I have, the most clear ones are all sad ones jesus okay hold lemme think...

!!!!! what if i told about the time I met Rascal (my cat and honestly soulmate) for the first time? Okay so, my mom was an intern at a vet? and she’s such a sucker for rescuing animals, especially kittens, and like, apparently one day a woman came in with Rascal (a teeny tiny kitten!) and she had found him in the trash? and it was the middle of winter so he was freezing. (Side note: you’re not supposed to take kittens bc it’s entirely possible the mother is around, in fact she might’ve been relocating the other ones in her litter before coming back for him, but we’ll never know).

So my mom, being who she is, brought him in to take care of him. It was supposed to be just for raising the kitten until a family could be found for him, but my dad knew we were fucked right away so he just accepted his fate (rascal being like the fourth cat in the house, we already had like three at this point). so my mom set the kitten up on this soft kitten bed in their bedroom with like a cardboard box around the bed so he wouldn’t wander or get hurt, and I was watching the Lion King in the bedroom (I think bc my older siblings were using the other tv?) and I just. heard him meow. So I walked over to the corner and like we locked eyes? A connection was made. Idk have you ever had that moment where it felt like something had irrevocably changed and that moment when it happened was burned into your brain forever more? The moment we connected eyes will always stay with me.

Anyway, he was??? so tiny??? and cute?? and I was worried about him, so i went to my mom and told her that I thought the kitten was hungry.

I legit don’t remember what happened afterwards (my only clear memory with him nowadays (bc i have a shit memory) is during that period of time when Bear, the german shepherd, was in the house and the cats were stuck downstairs because the upstairs was his turf) but according to my mom, we were inseparable. Like, I would apparently walk around with him draped around my neck. During the night, when I slept, he would come and sleep on my head or my face and I wouldn’t wake up (bc i could sleep through a bear attack tbh), and lmao, I really didnt want him to move away when he would get on top of me when I would go to bed, so like I practically trained him to like log roll, if i turned over slowly enough, he would just adjust positions accordingly.

I miss him a lot...

✏️ - Want any tattoos? 

YES, and since this ask is already long af, i took the liberty of finding pics of tattoos i might like to have

🔮 - Do you believe in luck?

In the sense of like, being in the right time and place is a matter of luck, yeah. I dont think specific objects could give luck tho. (Like?? I consider myself lucky  that I met you, and drace, and all my other friends on tumblr, which might’ve never happened if I hadnt decided to make a tumblr, that you guys would make tumblrs, that i would find your tumblrs and follow you and that I decided to be brave enough to reach out and make a connection and that it worked?? like what are the odds)

📅 - Favorite time of the year?

Hmmm, honestly winter, especially the months of january and february (I say that now, but the thing about living in a climate where the change in weather is fucking huge year round, I’ll probably say like spring or summer if you asked me in the winter. we always want the weather we can’t have)

😡 - What pisses you off?

Lack of respect. It’s probably the thing that pisses me off the most in the entire world, I know some people think respect should be earned but that’s bullshit, everyone deserves respect from the beginning until shown otherwise and even then it better be for a fucking good reason like the person is a murderer or something, the reason can’t be just because you dislike someone what the hell’s wrong with you?

AND I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DISMISS IDEAS OR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS WITHOUT GIVING IT PROPER CONSIDERATION FIRST LIKE??? YOU CANT JUST SAY NO THAT’S WRONG JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE THE IDEA OR DONT AGREE WITH IT, YOU NEED ARGUMENTS, REASONS!!! HAVE AN ACTUAL FUCKING PROPER DEBATE WITH SOMEONE AND DONT!!!! VIEW IT!!!! AS WINNING OR LOSING!!!!! DEBATES SHOULDNT BE ABOUT WINNING, IT SHOULD BE ARRIVING AT A CONCLUSION THAT ALL PARTIES CAN AGREE WITH EVEN IF THAT MEANS COMPROMISE JESUS CHRIST

(basically i want the socratic method to be more commonplace please)

(yes I also realize that saying that probably makes me sound like a giant nerd, what do you want from me, im a slut for philosophy)

also a big no no is interrupting me while im doing something? or intruding on my space when I want to be alone? which is unfair because people cant necessarily know that’s what i want, so I have to Suffer through being polite and their conversation even though i want nothing more than to tell them to fuck off. (listen... if i dont care about you.... i really dont care about you.... you might as well be scenery with how much you matter to me, and im unobservant af... and if you bother me, my ability to care about you plummets down to hell)

💍 - Marry me?

Of course, my love , you need only ask and I shall be yours forever more!

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind