#which is a lot cause I have been out of my adhd meds until just the other day

[bi-panic-at-the-disco]

wait a second is feeling guilty over not saying goodnight to your family before you go to bed because you feel like bad things will happen to them not a normal feeling/thought?

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[thalassarche]

Hey y’all experiencing these heat waves or going places that are way hotter than you’re used to: Check your meds to find out whether anything you’re taking can cause heat sensitivity! This includes: heat intolerance (getting overheated very easily), increased sweat production OR impaired sweat production, increased OR reduced thirst, lethargy, reduced alertness, and increased risk of fainting

A lot of very commonly taken medications can cause heat sensitivity, and a lot of people don’t find out about it until they’re wondering why they’re sweating buckets or feeling exhausted after a short time in the heat. Additionally, some common OTC meds like cold and allergy meds, antibiotics, and NSAIDs can cause photosensitivity, which makes you far more prone to burning in the sun.

[Alt text: Meds That May Cause Heat Sensitivity: Mental Health meds (Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, Klonopin, Cymbalta, Effexor, Elavil, etc) - ADD/ADHD Stimulants (Adderall, Dexedrine, Vyvanse, etc) - Diphenhydramine (Benadryl, ZZZquil) - Blood Pressure (beta blockers, diuretics). This is not an exhaustive list! Please check your own medications, including OTC, for heat-related side effects! Keep hydrated, limit heat exposure, and be safe!] I have to emphasize that the above list is not exhaustive, it presents a handful of examples in a few common categories. Research the meds that you take, especially if they’re similar to any that are listed! If you do take meds that can cause heat sensitivity, be aware that you may have a much harder time handling the heat, and that time spent exposed to high heat puts you at higher risk of developing heat-related illnesses such as heat exhaustion and heat stroke. The warning signs of heat exhaustion include headache, racing pulse, heavy breathing, fatigue, nausea, muscle cramps, and light-headedness. If you start to experience these symptoms, get to a cool environment, remove any layers of clothing you can, place cool damp cloths on yourself, take frequent but small sips of water, and monitor your symptoms. If they don’t go away in an hour or they worsen, or you start vomiting, seek medical attention, because they could progress to heat stroke, and that is a life-threatening medical emergency. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I’m just someone who’s taken many of these meds, some for over a decade, and it wasn’t until I moved to Arizona that a medical professional ever talked to me very specifically about these potential side-effects in a way that made me actually realize I’d been experiencing this. My prescriber is working with me to find some different meds that addresses my needs without making me miserable with side-effects, so if you’re in a similar place, ask what other options there might be for you. Above all, be safe in the heat! Stay hydrated, you need more water than you think, and it’s far better to take frequent small drink! 

[weirdo-catkid]

This is part 2 and end of the series. Thank you for reading them both!

Meltdowns

Luckily, i don’t have/deal with them all that much, but they are still violent and often results in me having to be picked up by my parents since i was kicked out. I’ve sometimes caused property destruction, throwing things and punching. 

Speech

For my very young years, from toddler hood to 10 years old, i was delayed in talking. I guess i was considered functionally nonverbal or literally just nonverbal even though i could speak, but i spoke very rarely. I used my hands to point at things i wanted as communication most of the time. When i grew closer to 10 years of age, i began to use my words more and more but the majority of people i talked to couldn’t understand me which often made me mad. Afterwards and up to now, i’ve been considered to have a speech impairment but i think my speech has improved enough for the SLP to focus more on slowing my speech down more.

Accommodations

My school has a big list of accommodations for me, all of which are suited for autistic students. I also have a safety plan if i have a more violent meltdown at school. I have something called an IEP which is just a glorified list of accommodations that i am supposed to have, yet i don’t really use a lot. I have a part time EA support after lunch, and i sometimes get support even before then from another EA if the kid they’re assigned to isn’t there. I take meds for my ADHD and i find that they help also with some of my autism traits.

Past

When i was three years and 4 months old, i was brought for an assessment and i was diagnosed as autistic along with having a speech/language delay. They said that i also was delayed in walking, i could stand, crawl, and sit up, but when i was standing, i just couldn’t walk for some reason. I can walk now, by the way. For the few years of my life not being as verbal as my mom and i would like, i was given PECS so i could understand transitions and they supported my pointing at things i wanted as communication. No AAC. After a bit, i was in ABA and for some reason, that wasn’t working as intended so my mom and dad sent me to IBI until i was in grade 4, when i was later also diagnosed with ADHD as an addition to my ASD diagnosis. Sometime along those years i learned to speak more and not be considered nonverbal. I didn’t know i was autistic until i was told the night before grade 4 started, i guess. Those years until the higher grades, i was put in this room in the library and was given somewhat minimal mainstream class time with non disabled peers. During the pandemic, i was also diagnosed to have a Learning Disability in Writing and Mathematics.

Thank y'all for taking the time to read this through!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi MBTI-notes. INFJ here. Many thanks for your tremendous insights. Your analysis of unhealthy INFJ’s has been absolutely spot on for me. I can see that I can be incredibly, sometimes laughably, unrealistic, have great difficulty being present, and alternate between too cynical and too trusting.

However, despite knowing about the INFJ weaknesses for several years now thanks to your blog, I keep making these mistakes. Some feel harder to change than others - like the difficulty focusing that, in my case, seems similar to ADHD.

I am trying a variety of things including finding the right mentors to bring me back to reality and hold me accountable, DBT, and improvements to basic physical self-care like sleep. I might also consider getting on medications for bipolar I (a diagnosis I have received due to two manic episodes, although they’re not sure if I need to be on meds) or ADHD.

In your experience, what is necessary to successfully close the gap between simply knowing about my problematic patterns and actually changing them? I am really hoping that improvements in emotional intelligence via DBT will close the gap, and also am trying to be more systematic about maintaining and improving my interpersonal relationships. Maybe it will be a combination of many small things like mastering physical health and routines, realistic goals, the right mentors, discipline, etc.

(From the INFJ who mentioned bipolar I). As an addendum, I just wanted to mention that the two episodes definitely involved some psychotic thoughts and behavior, but it's unclear if they fit a traditional manic episode, as I've not experienced periods of little sleep but high energy. It’s quite possible that BPD is a better explanation due to a connection in both cases with a romantic interest. I just wanted to mention this in case it impacted your response at all.

----------------------

"Knowing" about problems means being in possession of the facts, so it comes mainly through observation and gathering information. A lot of people go through life not knowing how problematic their thinking/behavior really is until they get critical feedback or generate very negative consequences. Even then, perhaps they still can't admit to having a problem and they use defense mechanisms such as denial to avoid confronting the truth. Getting through these defenses can be an arduous process. Even though knowing is really only the first step, it can already be quite a difficult step.

If knowing is only the first step, it means it's not enough. More is required. Knowing is not the same as "understanding". Understanding comes mainly through developing self-awareness, which involves the capacity to perceive and evaluate oneself accurately and objectively. Self-awareness can be described as low/high or shallow/deep. To improve self-awareness usually involves going inward, through reflection and introspection, to discover the roots and mechanisms behind psychological issues.

If knowing is about grasping the facts, understanding is about being able to provide a proper explanation of the facts. For example, a lot of people feel low self-confidence very acutely but they have no idea about how it came to pass or why they suffer. When you don't understand your thinking/behavior, it means you don't know the causes of it, the motivations behind it, or the factors that contributed to its manifestation.

That said, when people know but don't understand their problem, they are still capable of some small self-improvement. Generally speaking, they'll seek out advice from those in the know and try to discover some common rules, methods, or procedures for dealing with the problem, which allows them to become more functional in daily life. However, while they can improve a bit, their growth tends to be limited because it remains unclear whether the solution they've found is the correct one. Perhaps they feel some relief or progress, but it doesn't really seem long-lasting. Why? Knowing without understanding means every "fix" you try is basically blind and random experimentation. If something works for awhile, you don't understand why. If something doesn't work, you don't understand what went wrong. This is one reason why self-help methods have a high rate of failure; they simply don't get deep enough into the problem, so self-awareness remains too low.

Using the example of low self-confidence to illustrate, different people suffer for different reasons. For Person A, perhaps it's because of fear of failure that creates too much anxiety to feel confident. For Person B, perhaps it's because they lack knowledge and skill, so they feel too incompetent to approach tasks confidently. Person B needs to improve their knowledge and skill through learning and practice in order to feel more confident. But this remedy isn't going to work for Person A. Regardless of how knowledgeable or skilled Person A is, they will continue to fear failure, because it is an entirely separate issue that remains unaddressed by Person B's remedy. If you were looking to the above two cases for inspiration, you wouldn't get very far without knowing YOUR individual reasons for suffering low self-confidence.

It sounds like you are still in the stage of knowing - gathering the facts about your issues in order to name/label them correctly. It's good you've gotten some practical advice for managing your issues. Using the INFJ functional stack to frame the issues also seems to have been helpful for improving your self-awareness. However, what I'm still not seeing is true understanding. You haven't yet discovered the underlying causes/mechanisms and aren't able to provide an accurate and objective explanation of why you suffer from these issues. In short, it's just harder to solve a problem when you don't know the cause or how it arose.

This is probably one reason why you're running into difficulty with getting clear official diagnoses. People often view an official diagnosis as "the answer", but oftentimes the label is just a way to describe a particular set of symptoms. It doesn't reveal enough about what's really going on underneath the surface. The process of talk therapy ought to be aimed at making better sense of the symptoms, so it's important to pair any pharmaceutical interventions with talk therapy.

I never want to discourage people from self-improvement. I appreciate your willingness to seek out answers. You asked me what might be lacking in your approach and I've given you my best guess. You've focused a lot on "doing" and "following", implementing some commonsense strategies like physical self-care and learning from good mentors. This is certainly a step in the right direction. But from the perspective of analytical psychology, you haven't done enough to go within to understand your own individual psyche. It is likely that working on your emotional intelligence through DBT will deepen your self-awareness. But, at this early stage, there is no way for me to predict if it will "close the gap". If you care about understanding yourself better, be willing to take your therapist's reflections and inquiries as deep as you can go with them.

[vreemd]

wish there was some room in online adhd spaces for people who don't want to or can't take medication. I so often see people acting like we're just stupid or self sabotaging.

I got stimulant medication prescribed to me. I had high blood pressure at the time (and always do; I have cptsd and suspected POTS, or something else) and no one at any point explained to me that this was an actual risk. like a life or death level kind of risk. I was just told to monitor my BP. at age 25 I wasn't really sure what my BP was even supposed to be like.

so one morning, a few months into taking ritalin, I woke up with an absolute fucker of a migraine, and just feeling very weird. like my entire body was making overtime, working too fast. my heart was beating out of my chest, I was out of breath, trembling more than normal. my skin felt too small and tight to contain all my blood and my body hurt all over.

I took my BP. it was 190/240. great, I thought, that's normal, right? I wasn't 100% sure so I sent a picture of the meter to my brother in law (he is an EMT). I was completely wrong; 90/140 is normal. my numbers were both 100 points too high.

I had to go to the ER, got BP medication and had to stop the adhd meds immediately. I also had to take my prescription of benzodiazepine medication regularly to keep my BP down while the meds left my system.

I had had a hypertensive crisis. this could've been a lot worse had I not questioned my BP numbers. I could've very well had a heart attack had I taken the adhd medication again.

you might think "but you didn't have a heart attack so, crisis averted, right?" my endurance after having that hypertensive crisis had dropped to zero. I had to build my walking endurance back up. to the mailbox, a bit past it, etc. I remained out of breath for so long. I couldn't do any strenuous activity, I couldn't read out loud of talk for more than a minute without being completely out of breath. this took months, if not an entire year, to reach some kind of normalcy again.

my blood pressure, while it was always high and I have one or more conditions that make it so, has stayed higher after that than it was before. I'm on more blood pressure medication now, and on a higher dose. I didn't do anything in my life that caused high BP to begin with, and now I have to watch what I eat, have to exercise regularly and avoid caffeine, which is fun when you have chronic fatigue.

so no, I don't want medication. I'd maybe try a non-stimulant one, but that isn't very common in my country and I haven't found any doctors yet who'd be on board with trying. some people genuinely CANNOT take stimulant adhd meds, others don't want to for health or other reasons.

the fact that the entire online (and offline) experience of finding other people with adhd is just "oh I was a lazy dysfunctional POS until I started taking meth!" is so alienating. like I genuinely truly believe that there is a lot of work you can do to function easier with adhd, and I think the psychiatric system is just lazy and unwilling to try to do anything other than giving anyone and their mom a prescription for extremely heavy medication with potential deadly side effects. I don't think that's normal.

I do also think that if you do take the medication and it works for you that's great, but that's not my point here.

[thesmollestsnek]

I’ve seen a lot of fics n headcanons where Dick Grayson has adhd, and I see you. But also. Consider: Tim Drake having (undiagnosed) adhd. As a certified adhd bitch myself, I have A Lot to say about this, so more under the cut.

Before we get into it, just a quick disclaimer: pretty much all of my dc knowledge is from fandom osmosis, so. If you see something that’s ooc or contradicts canon no you didn’t. Now with that out of the way, on to the main event!

Okay, so! First of all, let’s start at the very beginning. That’s right, I’m talking about Tim Drake’s “night photography”! Now I’m not gonna say neurotypical kids don’t get up to some dumb ass shit when left unsupervised for long periods of time, because they absolutely do. But. The complete disregard for the many, many dangers a young child alone in Gotham at night would face is still notable. And he doesn’t just ignore danger - he runs straight at it. That shows an impressive lack of impulse control, and inability to factor future consequences into current decisions, both of which are hallmarks of adhd. Plus, hyperfixation kinda… changes? How you perceive things. So if Tim was hyperfixated on getting the perfect shot whenever a major crime/fight happened near him, he may not have processed that he was danger at all during the part most likely to scare a neurotypical child away.

Next, we have the coffee. Yes, I know the coffee thing is super overblown by the fandom and not really supported by canon but ssshshhhhhh my world my rules Tim drinks lots of coffee. Now, this one’s kinda obvious, but caffeine is a stimulant and surprise surprise so are most adhd meds. I have seen firsthand how ppl with undiagnosed adhd will mainline caffeine as a form of self medication, whether they’re aware of it or not. Some people use soda or energy drinks, but coffee’s also a really popular choice for this kinda thing. So not only is it completely plausible for someone with undiagnosed adhd to self medicate by drinking a shitton of coffee, it’s extremely common.

Next up! We have the insomnia. Which, again, I think might be played up a lot in fic? But this is my world and you’re reading in it, so. Tim’s an insomniac. This is one of the less well known symptoms of adhd, but again I speak from firsthand experience when I say it’s a big one. Insomnia is extremely common among ppl with adhd, for a couple reasons. One is time blindness, which I’ll come back to in the next point. But also? It’s just really hard to turn your brain off. And if a large portion of Tim’s brain space is being devoted to casework, guess what. That inability to turn one’s brain off will manifest as late night case solving blitzes. Not to mention that hyperfixation, again, changes the way you perceive things. When I hyperfixate on something I often lose hours at a time, and bodily needs like hunger, tiredness, the bathroom, etc aren’t just unimportant they straight up don’t register. With the number of times I’ve come out of a hyperfocus to realize that I have a dehydration headache that’s been brewing for at least an hour, or have completely skipped a major meal, or desperately need to pee, I can 100% believe Tim not noticing any sleep deprivation symptoms until he’s finished whatever he was working on. And I, again, speak from experience when I say that if you happen to hyperfixate at something at the wrong time of night you will be staying up way later than is reasonable. Which brings me to my next point of…

Time blindness! My most favoritist thing in the whole wide world! (/sarcasm) This shit can and absolutely will fuck up your ability to be a functioning human if you let it. Having no internal clock causes more problems than the obvious losing track of time. It means your appetite is sporadic at best and you could very easily forget to eat. It means your sleep schedule has a tendency to just disintegrate if you don’t keep on it. It means being completely dependent on external clocks to know how long things are/should be taking, even for stupid shit like cooking food or brushing your teeth. It means that if you don’t set an alarm for something there is a very real possibility that something isn’t happening no matter how much you want or need it to. In short, it completely fucks up your ability to care for yourself without a lot of external regimented support. Now, who does that remind you of? Which member of the batfamily is known for neglecting his own health? I may not read many comics but the sheer number of “Tim Drake subsists solely on coffee and spite” jokes on ao3 and tumblr is very telling.

His brains. Tim is very, very smart. Have you ever heard the phrase “twice exceptional?” It describes Tim Drake to a t. Plus, I’m living proof of how you can be both smart of brain and dumb of ass. This may be more of a “my family who just so happens to consist entirely of twice exceptional adhd dumbasses” thing than something most ppl with adhd experience, but. You can be really smart and incredible at putting together complex plans, both ahead of time and on the fly, and still have. No common sense whatsoever. Which seems to be a lot of Tim’s characterization: incredibly smart while simultaneously being a complete dumbass. So make of that what you will.

And most compellingly? I think it’s funny. This kid is brothers with Dick Grayson and best friends with Bart Allen and especially next to those two people would never expect Tim to be the one with the quote unquote “cant sit still disorder”. Yknow what? Let’s take this a step further. Let’s make Bart autistic. (I don’t know enough about the flash family to say how accurate this is but for the sake of the joke let’s say he is). People see Impulse standing next to Red Robin and they think they know which one is adhd and which is autistic and they are Wrong. Tim n Bart are Completely unaware of this but the rest of their team finds it hilarious. There’s probably at least one running joke about it.

[clunelover]

Jeremy is out of town for a conference until Friday. This is mostly nice because I love alone time, but I forgot how icky quiet it can be in evenings when the house is empty (I just got back from picking up the dog, and my adorable brilliant resourceful children have gone out for a walk on their own).

I took one of his adderall again today, man the jury is really out on them…they make me quite relaxed, which as far as I know is kind of indicative of having actual ADD, that a stimulant will calm rather than energize…but it’s almost like they make me TOO calm! It’s like, the effect of only having one thought at a time is so powerfully calming that I just want to chill and enjoy the feeling of a calm mind, not waste it on WORK! We’ve all seen those viral tweets from the adhd people about how there’s no such thing as "lazy," it’s just a label that gets slapped on people who aren’t able to focus on tasks and finish them, etc! And I totally get the point of those posts and think overall it’s a good reframe, but I can also say as someone who’s experienced a lot of different mental states, both organically and as a result of substances: I AM lazy. Or I guess we could say that I just have almost no interest in my so called career - maybe if I did I’d feel like pointing my focus at it? But in the time I actually made myself sit down and work, I know I was able to read through several very long queries written by someone else no longer on my team, and figure out how they work enough to make some recommendations about how easy or difficult it would be to update them, and that would have been very very hard without the improved focus, so that’s cool I guess…but they are definitely not the magic "get all my work done, painlessly" solution I was hoping for!! And the crash as they wear off is very intense and bad. So I guess maybe I shouldn’t get into the habit of using them semi-regularly (you know, this plus the fact that they’re not prescribed to me…)

I told my therapist I was doing this, and how I doubted my psychiatrist is the sort who would hear I’ve been taking meds not prescribed to me and they kind of help, and decide that means I should get to take them for real, and so I wasn’t planning on telling…she said she wasn’t going to tell me I MUST confess this to my psychiatrist, and that she doesn’t think they will automatically cause a bipolar person to go manic, but she brought up the very good point that I’d hate to be in a situation where I was secretly taking them, then if I did have a manic episode, I would have to say "oh by the way I’ve been taking my husband’s adderall"- that would FOR SURE be a black mark against me as a patient and probably lead to me never getting a legit Rx. So, okay fine, between all these factors I guess I will abandon my "take the ones he doesn’t use on the weekends and be a good worker for two days a week" plan.

[cipher26]

this is truly a tmi but i have no friends to talk to about this stuff so here i am, yet again.

hooked up with a guy from tinder tonight. first time having sex. i'm quite proud of myself for going through with it instead of chickening out. i'm also quite surprised at how not nervous i was, which is either testament to my maturity and Growth™️, or a result of the anxiety meds which must be working wonders, absolutely top quality product right there. 10/10

it was also interesting that like...not only was i not nervous and less awkward than normal, but it didn't feel like...shocking? idk i lost the word i wanted, but like touching someone and having them touch me just felt normal. it wasn't weird or embarrassing or whatever, which again...testament to the cocktail of drugs im on lmao. but anyway, idk. i'm a pretty lowkey person to begin with, but it is hard to tell how you'll react to certain situations until you're there.

anyway it was great actually. i mean the guy was fine, attractive but also kinda basic like... the "do we really need a condom?" kind of basic which was almost funny. textbook "high school peer pressuring boy from the examples in sex ed class" kind of basic. it def wasn't romantic in any way, which is probably better for me at this moment. also it didn't last very long lol, and i didn't cum. not surprising but i did have some hope. thank goodness for the toys i have at home. and then i just left.

i'm sure most people would be shocked or appalled that my first time wasn't "special" or whatever (i didn't tell him i was a virgin, i told him "it's been a long time" cause i'm not gonna date the guy and didn't want to deal with that drama, and also i've used toys so it wasn't my first rodeo in a lot of ways).

but the thing is, most of the moments in my life that were supposed to be special, these milestones people romantacize, they were never that special for me. in fact i missed out on most of those life events entirely, for reasons. so this was really on brand for my life i guess. i'm just glad it was on my terms.

oh also it was truly just a quick fuck, there was no kissing involved, which is even funnier when you think about it cause i've never been kissed cause no one cares about me. lmao. my life is so ass backwards i can only laugh about it at this point.

i will say, it was an amazing confidence boost though. physically i'm in the worst shape i've ever been in, and have been convinced my whole life that no one could possibly find me attractive. but he did. i actually felt sexy. and suddenly i don't feel so... different i guess. idk i'm not saying the words right, but you know what i mean she says to the ether. i genuinely think the adhd meds have also helped, because i've been taking care of myself more lately, in some ways anyway. definitely not with eating food... so i think that helped me have enough confidence to even go for it in the first place. i almost didn't out of habit, but then i was like "bitch you are on this app for literally one reason..."

and also i walked into a bodega and bought condoms and didn't feel weird or embarrassed about that either...

honestly i have been wondering if these meds have maybe numbed my personality a bit, cause there are a lot of things going wrong in my life right now and yet i don't feel the familiar ache and coldness of the depression. but maybe this is how normal people function all the time, and i'm not being numbed i'm just feeling what normal people feelings are supposed to feel like for the first time ever, lmfao. i need a focus group of neurotypicals to compare notes with. "so these barely there feelings is how you experience life all the time? it's not an extreme rollercoaster of emotion? weird." lol.

anyway that's enough of that. i did jokingly say to myself earlier "you should lose your virginty before you have to move back in with family in a month, and for the forseeable future" and i didn't think it would actually happen but then it did lol. high five to myself.

anyway if you're still reading this for whatever reason, and you relate to my anxiety/depression/adhd fun factory combo, and you haven't talked to a doctor about trying meds to help manage, i highly recommend you do. i was so against it for so long, and it took me many years to admit that i needed help. and not just that, but that i WANTED help because i was so tired of struggling every day. but it has been such a relief. it's taken over a year of trying and adjusting meds (and convincing the doc that i definitely have adhd) to get to this point, but it's been so worth it. i feel like i'm finally getting to a place where im actually able to live my life, aside from the I'm Broke factor, and i know for a fact i would be a mess without the antidepressants because i'm literally in the middle of losing everything i've worked for for the past 15+ years, including my home, literally, and yet im able to get out of bed and exist and even laugh! that absolutely would not have been the case 2 years ago. so if you need help, please don't be afraid to ask for it. it's so worth it.

strange moral lesson to end this post with but.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[graysongraysoff]

not to use my public-facing blog as a mental health journal but

i do need to start recording this stuff because i don’t know what’s wrong with me and i need to be able to articulate it to my psychiatrist next time i see him

bc i floated the idea that it could be grief in our last appointment but now i don’t think it is

so like, my main problem (for, let’s face it, my entire fucking life) has been tiredness and lethargy. i joke a lot that i’m just a “tired-natured person” and that i have “chronic eepy disease” but like. even though i joke i get that that’s not normal, lol. i thought getting back on synthroid would help with that, but to be honest it really hasn’t, despite my gp saying that my thyroid levels are normal now. no matter how early i go to bed or how well i sleep, i always have a significantly hard time getting up in the morning. i went to bed at 10 p.m. last night, which is my normal healthy bed time, and i slept right through my alarm until 9:30 in the morning, and that’s like. not unusual for me. which isn’t good. i shouldn’t need almost 12 hours of sleep to function (and “function” is generous, because, you guessed it, i’m still tired. if i laid down right now i am confident i would have no trouble falling right back to sleep.)

my dad and my sister both have sleep apnea, but i haven’t really shown any signs of that other than the tiredness? but i guess i also haven’t had a sleep test since i was like. six. so maybe that’s something to look into.

but until i got on my adhd/depression meds i didn’t snore or even really move in my sleep, which i know are sleep apnea things - now i snore a little and twitch and have really vivid dreams so. idk, maybe one of the meds i’m on is causing some problems?? which i mean. that’d be a real bummer, because the adhd meds in particular have been super helpful, but if i’m often waking up and eating breakfast so late that i’m forgetting to take them anyway... then yeah. not ideal.

long story short, i don’t know what’s going on but i really need to figure it out because i can’t imagine my work is going to be cool with me showing up to work late if it becomes much more consistent, lol.

[cocklessboy]

Finding the right meds or combination of ADHD meds can be one hell of a journey.

First my psychiatrist had me try Atomoxetine (an SNRI) but I had psychotic side effects so we had to ditch that.

Then we tried Ritalin. It helped, but I got loads of side effects. It made my heart race, made me dizzy and jittery, made my sensory issues worse, gave me acid reflux, and even increased my sex drive to problematic levels (which is not a normal side effect and may have been a strange interaction with my HRT).

Those are basically the only ADHD meds available in this country (no, we don't have Adderall or any of those other ones here), with one caveat: the active ingredient in Ritalin (Methylphenidate) is available in a slow-release form called Concerta. Instead of taking it twice a day and it being out of your system in 4-6 hours, you take it once in the morning and it lasts up to 12 hours, gradually releasing the drug into your system.

Even though it's the same chemical, the slow-release version worked like a dream. Basically no side effects aside from increased acid reflux (which I already take medication for), and it's pretty effective. Basically life-changing! The problem? It wears off around 8 pm.

I don't go to bed until like 1:30.

So for 5+ hours each night I'd be unmedicated and miserable. Unable to work, unable to do anything really, and also unable to keep track of time or switch tasks, so I never managed to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

I described this to my psychiatrist and he suggested that around 8, when the Concerta is wearing off, I can take half a tablet (just 5 mg) of Ritalin. It's not enough to cause side effects, but combined with whatever remains in my system of the Concerta, it should be enough to keep me functional until bed time - and make it easier to turn off the computer and go to bed.

I've been doing this for several days and... it's working. No major side effects, and I get a bonus 4-5 hours of actual real life functional time in my day, plus I'm able to watch the clock and shut down the computer and head to bed at the right time, which is helping me fix my sleep schedule overall (which had been a real nightmare for ages).

Finding the right meds or combination of meds for ADHD or for any other health problem (physical, neurological, or psychological) can take a lot of time and trial and error. But it is worth it. If you find yourself feeling frustrated because everything you try isn't working, don't give up. While it is true that some problems just don't have a solution, it is worth keeping at it for as long as you can.

I feel like this whole process has been a great lesson in not giving in to despair when things don't work out right away. I still have a lot of other health issues that don't have solutions yet, and it's easy to feel hopeless, but there are still more options to try. And maybe the next one will finally do the trick.

And if there's anyone out there trying to push you away from medication that helps you, because they think of medication as inherently bad, or because they think the side effects can't be worth it, ignore them. They are wrong. Finding the right medication for a chronic health problem or disability can change your entire life. Do not ever let anyone shame you out of being as happy and healthy as you can possibly be.

[mango-fizz]

hm yeah did kinda think you have that too. i am unmedicated for that everytime ive been on meds for it it like.... completely changed how i thought felt acted and things i did so i just stopped cause it felt like i was a different person! and "getting more done" isnt worth it in that case!!!! and also they dont work the entire day so its !! really just a "work more like everyone else" thing which dont like that !! but um yeah the focusing super hard and then hours later coming out of that and realizing you have five billion bodily needs suddenly is very much an adhd feel everyone ive seen who has it has talked about that so idk. honestly even just look into it at worst youll find stuff that helps you do things in a comfortable way uhmmmm hearts or something 👍wish you luck on this

thank you honestly its . cause like . [sigh] the thing is i didnt used to struggle with, like, doing things? until i graduated high school? then i started getting upset and sad and forgetful and unfocused and frustrated and scared and it could be because the grade school routine was manageable for me i suppose it was easy i always had straight As i always did my homework in a timely manner et cetera but now its like . i have to do laundry i have to remember to eat i have to drive myself to school i have to write essays upon essays upon essays and class registration and credit card bills and job interviews and scholarship applications and emails and phone calls and career options and getting gas and i have to go to work and i have to go to school and i havent seen my friends in weeks and i havent done anything fun in months and nothing i do feels like it matters or has a purpose but thats more of a 19 year old syndrome thing and not an adhd thing but adhd could be possibly making it worse . when i say it feels like my brain gave up on me after graduation i mean it. anyway this was heavier than i expected it to be but thank you!!!!!! i appreciate your input a lot thank you!! 💕💕💕

[iamthecomet]

Hoot once again!

I‘m really glad to hear this. Our little ritual means a lot to me <3

I am so sorry for her, but very glad that she figured it out now. Growing up undiagnosed can be (and is most of the time) very traumatic

While I’m a bit younger, I still spent my entire childhood and half of my youth (I’m gonna pretend it has been only half of it so far cause whatever the fuck I had/have is most definitely not a joyful youth). So while I can‘t fully relate, I still kind of get it and can at least imagine how it must me for her

It‘s pretty hard to get an autism diagnosis, because it cannot be done by a regular psychiatrist (unlike ADHD for example, which is why I at least have that diagnosis already). In my area there is only one place where you can get a diagnosis and the waiting list is LONG (not the worst I‘ve seen so far but at least half a year, which is terrible if you need to get help as quickly as possible but you need a diagnosis to get any kind of help). But I’m working on it

Thank youuuu

I planned chapter 2 out yesterday

It ended up to be “only” 5 pages, but it has 39 panels (chapter 1 has 24 panels)

So I think I’ll still get more of the story across even though it seems to be one page shorter

I will most likely start working on it in November

Your day sounds pretty nice!

Today, I was really stressed and worried about something and I did it okay-ish, but I can‘t change shit anymore now anyways so I’ll have to stop worrying and just wait and see

I also had a doctors appointment to get blood drawn and tested (cause due to the meds I take I’m apparently at a higher risk of malnutrition/lack of some stuff) and it was literally the most pleasant doctors appointment I’ve ever had.

I was a too early (as always) and had to wait outside a bit because they were still on lunch break but I was let inside a few minutes earlier anyways and so I was alone in the waiting area. And the nurse was incredibly kind and nice (she had me lay down for it because she didn’t want to risk that I could pass out and then she let me take my time to get back up again). It was overall incredibly nice and I was done not even 15 minutes after my appointment (so none of that annoying waiting time that usually comes with doctors appointments)

I also wanted to mention this in the past days already but I somehow didn‘t haha:

So I saw Someone do OC-tober and I absolutely LOVED the idea! (I’m one of these people that just never really draws their OCs lmao)

So I put together a prompt list for myself and I’m really excited about it ^^

(I‘m also planning on participating in Ghosttober with my writing which is why I’m probably going to be a little stressed all throughout October which is why I’ll most likely start working on chapter 2 in November)

I once again truly hope that you had a pleasant day! ♥️

~ @owlishanon

I like our little ritual too! ♥ When my friend got her diagnosis she couldn't get it from a regular psychiatrist either. She also got her ADHD diagnosis a couple years earlier because that was much easier. Autism she had to take a handful of tests over a period of time to actually get the diagnosis. But she was 98% sure what it would be before she got it. So I guess it's a pain in the ass no matter where you try to get it. Hoping that you are able to get through that process soon and get the help that you need. I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well and was easy. That's such a rare thing. And that you had a nurse who was really accommodating and understood what you needed. I was wondering why you said you would work on chapter two in November, until I got to the end of your ask. There are A LOT of things going on in October. And it will be kind of nice to take a pause on working so hard on that and doing some other stuff. I'm really excited for kinktober/ghostober whatever we're calling it. I'm trying to get the first week written and ready this week so that it's less likely that I fall behind. We'll see how that goes. Day one is written and ready to go--so that's something at least. And OC-tober sounds SO cool. I'm excited to see what you end up doing with that. I'm sure that will be a lot of fun too!

[lil-ms-dipst]

Minecraft music is the best fucking thing my god

Like.. This post is specifically about me. If you prefer another OST that's fine I'm not saying yours is invalid but holy FUCK bro. Minecraft soundtrack just.. hits a part of my brain that nothing else can. Is it because I've been playing it for about 10-11 years now?? Maybe. Is it because I've spent countless dollars on it including dropping 50$ on fucking CROCS???? Maybe. But something about the soundtrack is just.. it's pure bliss to me. Like, my ADHD?? Fucking gone. My brain unscrambles itself, even if it's just for a little bit, whenever a Minecraft song comes on. Now there's C418, which of course I grew up with as he was the only artist really for the early soundtracks. But the new artists (I say new as if the Caves & Cliffs update isn't from like 2-3 years ago) are amazing too. An Ordinary Day literally carried my ass through my first year of college. Any time I'd have a mental breakdown or knew I was about to I just put it on and.. waited. Everything would be okay. During my senior year of high school or before my therapy Minecraft song was either of the 1.13 tracks that play specifically when you're underwater. And Infinite Amethyst too, god such a good song. That one helped a lot too, especially when needing to nap. I had a mental breakdown at work yesterday due to getting a horrific dinner rush I am not used to getting and everybody around me getting a bit pissy and our order screen just wouldn't clear up and we were running low on everything. I knew I was about to explode, so I tell the manager I need to use the bathroom and in there I just begin texting my parents. Besides their comfort, I put on the Minecraft soundtrack (starting with some Caves and Cliff shit of course) and like magic everything felt better. Everything felt nice and calm and happy. I don't know what causes it but fuck I am so happy I found music that works like this. I use Minecraft music to help me focus on homework too, especially shit I don't want to do at all. Helps me focus when my meds can't, because ADHD be damned. Nothing really shows how much a soundtrack can make you feel better than when you're naked in the shower crying your eyes out and you put on that song and just.. you feel better. Or you are about to have a breakdown and you need to just clear your head before your next class so you spend like twenty minutes just.. eyes closed drifting in your thoughts.. with that one song. Or struggling to focus on something you don't wanna do so you put on that one song. I am so happy for the existence of the Minecraft soundtrack and the way it's impacted me is beyond anything I can put into words. Sure, it gave me literal like years of bullying since I was 8 that never stopped until I was like 17, but it also gave me this music, and tons of friends I would've never met otherwise. It gave me creativity and a way to express it before I could figure out other ways. It just. It is so lovely.

[queenofcarrotflowers-s]

I got my most recent bloodwork back for my thyroid and it's almost as bad as when I got first diagnosed with Hashimoto's two years ago, which was a bit of a shock to see as I've been taking my meds almost if not every day. I think I know what happened though, I've been having to take anti-histamines three times a day to alleviate *another* issue—a histamine intolerance?? which I had no idea was a thing until this year but it was causing me a lot of skin issues—and I'd been taking my thyroid hormone with the one I take in the morning so I think it has just not been absorbing at all because of it.

I just feel frustrated. I have to take meds everyday to manage multiple conditions, and I don't know how to make them all work together, especially when I already have so many issues remembering to take meds in general and habit-forming is hard (bc adhd). thankfully I have a doctor's appointment this week so maybe we can work out a med schedule that will work better for me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

So TW medical bitterness, cancer, hysterectomy, abnormal periods, mental health, past abuse. I just want to encourage others with my story, I guess.

Since 2018, I knew something was wrong with my uterus, but I figured I was just young and didn't know stuff yet. I developed late emotionally/physically, like not even getting anything near a stereotypical period until I was 22, even though I'd been spotting since 12.

I started bleeding a lot and never really stopped, even with a fist-sized blood clot that nearly made me pass out. But I got on birth control for the anemia and they said it would reset my reproductive system.

Which for a lot of people it does! Not so for me.

Fast forward to 2020, and I'm in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism that was caused by the very same birth control that kept me from bleeding to death. I asked to get a hysterectomy because something ain't right.

They told me that I being was dramatic and swapped me to progesterone-only birth control. I didn't stop asking though.

Fast forward again to 2022, last November, and I got on antidepressants for the first time. Honestly, it's amazing no longer having a maelstrom of ADHD, anxiety (thanks hospital stay), and depression in my head where I feel lost.

But then I started bleeding again. The antidepressants overrode my birth control. So I quickly switched to another antidepressant and got into the gynecologist who put me on a progesterone booster.

They did an ultrasound and get this, in the 3 days I bled, my body made 19 mm of uterine lining. 19! A month later when I went back to see how much had been dissolved by the higher dose of meds (as is supposed to happen), I was only down to 16 mm of lining!

Obviously, it's not working and I produce far more than should be possible. NO SHIT.

Anyway, so March of this year, I had a D&C surgery. They scrape out my uterus and send all the contents to the lab for testing.

LO AND BEHOLD, TWO WEEKS LATER I AM CALLED IN BETWEEN NORMAL PATIENTS AND TOLD THAT I HAVE UTERINE CANCER.

The only thing I cried about was that I no longer have to fight to get the hysterectomy because it's now seen as a lifesaving operation instead of "convenience".

I'm the one driving this meat suit and I told them there was something wrong for YEARS.

So, in 8 days (April 27th, 2023, since I don't know when this will get shared), I get a hysterectomy and my life back. All the risks of birth control, the weight gain, so much will be gone and I can lower doses on my other meds.

Yes, I'm fat and they can blame as much as they want on that fact, but now that the causes of my overeating are finally getting fixed, I'm losing said weight and I will finally be free.

I'm a subset of asexual with sexual abuse trauma, so while I know the big choice I'm losing, I would rather be alive and foster kids when I'm older than have kids/a relationship and be the emotional/verbal abuser that my parents were because it's so internalized that I haven't dug it out yet.

Never stop asking. Never let them sweep you off to the side. Make your doctor rule out everything until they finally do what you want.

I'm bitter, I admit it. I'm bitter against my mom for not diagnosing me with my ADHD and getting me medicated as a child. My first adderall was my 30th birthday, because I snuck behind her back for it. I don't give a shit about the stigma of mental health, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Find the good doctors out there and hang onto them. Dig your feet in and stand up. AFAB are more than the uteruses we are born with. Fat people are more than just our fat. We are people worth getting real genuine help by the medical field. We need more people to learn how people of different races are built differently too.

I now can't even take HRT (to stave off menopause) because I've had both embolism and cancer.

I admit, I wasn't strong enough to fight against my family for the help I needed, and I'm not sure if it was because I was a coward or just not mature enough. But I'm a human being.

I'm going to win and be happy, even if it takes me fighting for the rest of my life to be seen as worthwhile. I'm so tired, but I won't fall. I can't.

-Audra

Hi Audra,

I'm so sorry that you struggled to get a proper diagnosis and treatment, but I'm glad that you could get the help you needed. Your experiences highlight the importance of advocating for ourselves and persistently seeking the help and treatment we deserve.

The bitterness you feel towards your mom and the healthcare system is valid. It's natural to have complex emotions when reflecting on the past and the support that could have made a significant difference in your life. But the focus now is on your well-being and reclaiming your life.

Please know that you are more than the conditions you've faced. You are a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, and comprehensive healthcare. It's essential to take care of yourself mentally and physically as you continue your healing journey.

I hope I could help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything.

-Bun