#bad and heartbreaking life events happen to me all the time lol

[cipher26]

this is truly a tmi but i have no friends to talk to about this stuff so here i am, yet again.

hooked up with a guy from tinder tonight. first time having sex. i'm quite proud of myself for going through with it instead of chickening out. i'm also quite surprised at how not nervous i was, which is either testament to my maturity and Growth™️, or a result of the anxiety meds which must be working wonders, absolutely top quality product right there. 10/10

it was also interesting that like...not only was i not nervous and less awkward than normal, but it didn't feel like...shocking? idk i lost the word i wanted, but like touching someone and having them touch me just felt normal. it wasn't weird or embarrassing or whatever, which again...testament to the cocktail of drugs im on lmao. but anyway, idk. i'm a pretty lowkey person to begin with, but it is hard to tell how you'll react to certain situations until you're there.

anyway it was great actually. i mean the guy was fine, attractive but also kinda basic like... the "do we really need a condom?" kind of basic which was almost funny. textbook "high school peer pressuring boy from the examples in sex ed class" kind of basic. it def wasn't romantic in any way, which is probably better for me at this moment. also it didn't last very long lol, and i didn't cum. not surprising but i did have some hope. thank goodness for the toys i have at home. and then i just left.

i'm sure most people would be shocked or appalled that my first time wasn't "special" or whatever (i didn't tell him i was a virgin, i told him "it's been a long time" cause i'm not gonna date the guy and didn't want to deal with that drama, and also i've used toys so it wasn't my first rodeo in a lot of ways).

but the thing is, most of the moments in my life that were supposed to be special, these milestones people romantacize, they were never that special for me. in fact i missed out on most of those life events entirely, for reasons. so this was really on brand for my life i guess. i'm just glad it was on my terms.

oh also it was truly just a quick fuck, there was no kissing involved, which is even funnier when you think about it cause i've never been kissed cause no one cares about me. lmao. my life is so ass backwards i can only laugh about it at this point.

i will say, it was an amazing confidence boost though. physically i'm in the worst shape i've ever been in, and have been convinced my whole life that no one could possibly find me attractive. but he did. i actually felt sexy. and suddenly i don't feel so... different i guess. idk i'm not saying the words right, but you know what i mean she says to the ether. i genuinely think the adhd meds have also helped, because i've been taking care of myself more lately, in some ways anyway. definitely not with eating food... so i think that helped me have enough confidence to even go for it in the first place. i almost didn't out of habit, but then i was like "bitch you are on this app for literally one reason..."

and also i walked into a bodega and bought condoms and didn't feel weird or embarrassed about that either...

honestly i have been wondering if these meds have maybe numbed my personality a bit, cause there are a lot of things going wrong in my life right now and yet i don't feel the familiar ache and coldness of the depression. but maybe this is how normal people function all the time, and i'm not being numbed i'm just feeling what normal people feelings are supposed to feel like for the first time ever, lmfao. i need a focus group of neurotypicals to compare notes with. "so these barely there feelings is how you experience life all the time? it's not an extreme rollercoaster of emotion? weird." lol.

anyway that's enough of that. i did jokingly say to myself earlier "you should lose your virginty before you have to move back in with family in a month, and for the forseeable future" and i didn't think it would actually happen but then it did lol. high five to myself.

anyway if you're still reading this for whatever reason, and you relate to my anxiety/depression/adhd fun factory combo, and you haven't talked to a doctor about trying meds to help manage, i highly recommend you do. i was so against it for so long, and it took me many years to admit that i needed help. and not just that, but that i WANTED help because i was so tired of struggling every day. but it has been such a relief. it's taken over a year of trying and adjusting meds (and convincing the doc that i definitely have adhd) to get to this point, but it's been so worth it. i feel like i'm finally getting to a place where im actually able to live my life, aside from the I'm Broke factor, and i know for a fact i would be a mess without the antidepressants because i'm literally in the middle of losing everything i've worked for for the past 15+ years, including my home, literally, and yet im able to get out of bed and exist and even laugh! that absolutely would not have been the case 2 years ago. so if you need help, please don't be afraid to ask for it. it's so worth it.

strange moral lesson to end this post with but.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[star-suh]

requesting a angsty doyoung x bttm mreader 🤭🤭🤭

The Devil Is Real, And He's Not A Little Red Man With Horns And A Tail. 

Kim Doyoung x Male Reader

cw: angst attempt, doyoung is an asshole, breakup, degrading but not in THAT way lol, doyoung refers to people as toys, he's like a psycho, subtle mention of sex, happy ending for reader.

an: just in case, this is for entertainment purpose only, don't take it so seriously please. none of the events shown here represents kim doyoung in real life.

idk if you anon wanted me to add smut on it, i didn't do it to make it as angsty as possible but if you wanted i'm sorry, also i used a phrase of my fave show and listened to art deco instrumental while writing lol, hope you all enjoy it.

—

it was night, a serene breeze caressing y/n's cheeks, the moon shining on him making his teary eyes glow like if galaxies were in there… it all looked perfect… then y/n's boyfriend, kim doyoung, showed up…

"we need to talk y/n" started doyoung

"i know" replied calmly y/n weeping his tears with the back of his hand, "why didn't you tell me before?" continued y/n with a shaky hurt voice.

"why?" he laughed "isn't it obvious y/n? because if i had told you before, the fun would have ended a long time ago, silly" he caressed y/n's hair but he quickly pushed his hand away. "don't touch me. you disgust me" said y/n crying looking at doyoung who just was there… standing… unfazed… just smiling… like a hunter who is about to kill his prey.

"that's not what you said when you were under me, begging me to make you cry. isn't it funny huh?. now that i'm making you cry you don't like it" mocked doyoung doing a sad face.

"you're an idiot you know that? you make me want to throw up" y/n replied "just tell me why me? why did you choose me to be used by you" yelled the heartbroken guy who just discovered he was being used by his supposed boyfriend "i was always there for you, i helped you with your assignments i-". "that's exactly why i chose you dumbo, i needed to pass the semester and you were the perfect one" doyoung laughs "you are so naive damn.  i'm proud of me, really proud how i had to endure your annoying clingy ass, how you were always there being so nosy, just the thought of being near you makes me so sick. at least you were good in bed" he said wiping y/n's tears.

"what about me?. didn't you consider my feelings at least once?" asked y/n desperate, waiting for doyoung to say that it's all a joke, a bad one, but a joke. "i'm going to confess that yes i almost thought about that, but i didn't give it any importance haha, i remembered that you are a toy and toys are to be used, they don't have feelings idiot, they're just empty shells waiting for someone that gives them some value" doyoung said with a maniacal face. "you're a fucking psycho" murmured y/n looking at his feet trying to hide his teary eyes.

y/n phone rings, he grabbed the phone to see who was it then he just pressed the red button to keep listening to doyoung. "who was that?" asked doyoung, y/n didn't replied, "bet it was one of those wrong dialed calls, i would say that was someone who cares about you but i don't think so, you're so bland, annoying and pathetic. you're a fucking weeping baby that no one likes" doyoung raised his voice.

y/n fell down to his knees looking at the moon's reflection on the river. "anyways you were a good toy dude" doyoung patted y/n's shoulder "i know some guys who would love to have a toy like you, let me know if you want their numbers silly boy" he kissed y/n's cheek and smiled "it was good 'till it lasted, goodbye" the older waved. y/n turned around to watch him leave and sees how he has a new partner, y/n was just in shock he didn't say anything… he was just there crying, hearing the soothing sound of the water flowing in the river and how it disturbs the moon and stars' reflection.

how such a beautiful and lovely scenery happens to be the witness of a heartbreaking scene between two lovers?

months have passed and y/n is almost recovered of his past relationship with doyoung, he's sitting in the cafeteria looking at that man with his new partner, y/n can't help but fell bad for them, how that man is out there using people at his will but he can't do anything about it because he knows that they will not believe him like they did when he told them what doyoung did to him. "they are willing to lose their dignity and do everything for a pretty face that has no heart. the devil is real, and he's not a little red man with horns and a tail. he can be beautiful. because he's a fallen angel, and he used to be god's favorite" a phrase that it seems to be especifically made for doyoung, thought y/n "he's the empty shell with no value after all".

y/n stands up and just walks away to the university's entrance the breeze caressing his cheeks and hair. y/n is crying, but a happy crying because he overcame that dark past, he feels alive and liberated, of course he's gonna be careful with who he's gonna share his feelings now but he feels good about himself and that's what matters. yellow and brown leaves falling of the yellow/orange trees by the soft autumn breeze, the warm sunlight peeking through the trees' branches. another beautiful scenery this time witnessing a beautiful smile… y/n's beautiful smile…

[crescencestudio]

hihi sorry to bother but i just wanna drop by and say i absolutely adored intertwine <3

van is the perfect boyfriend/husband and i died internally when we had that one life where our mc rejected him bc it just wasn't the right time for mc. i understood why but goddamn did it still hurt. i love the concept of the red string of fate, but it's always so heartbreaking when the things you want are just that little out of reach y'know?

moving on from the angst, there's almost something comforting in the way mc and van found each other in every life (or at the very least, the lives we've played through). it's the way they're always so inexplicably intertwined, (bc how many time can it happen before coincidences become fated) and the two will always, always meet, even if it doesn't always result in a happy end.

i think in the state of the world right now, i'm not the only one who feels 'alone'. during the lockdowns and everything, it's like the world and time have continued on, but we as humans have had almost 2 years of our lives stolen from us. i was barely 15 at the time the lockdowns started, and when i graduated college at 17, i don't think i've every truly felt that alone in all my life. maybe it's just me, but it's so... awkward(?) finding friends or meeting people now.

it's so relieving in a way to see van and mc, to see their love pass through hundreds maybe thousands of years of history and still recognize each other every time. i don't quite believe in reincarnation or anything like that, but it definitely gives me some peace of mind that maybe, just maybe, that someone loves me and we will find each other in this lifetime. and if not, we still have the next, don't we?

u r never a bother!! thank u for the sweet message, anon <333

i actually was surprised so many ppl were upset at the life that we reject van LMFAOSDIJFOIAWEJ IDK WHY I WAS SURPRISED.... by traditional otome standards, it's obviously a "bad ending" but i think my focus on self-love/independence was so high for that life that i didn't stop to realize ppl would see it as angsty or this bitter/sad event LOL

and i totally know what you mean. and i think a big part of intertwine for me is this idea of "connection." something that was important for me was to portray this idea that you dont have to Act a certain way, Speak a certain way, etc. to find love with Van. No matter what, you will find that connection. it's not something you have to find or work for, it's just something that Is. something that will naturally happen. and i think there's a lot of comfort in that idea, esp in a world right now that sometimes makes us feel like we have to Earn a human connection with someone

thank you for liking and playing, anon and for the sweet message <3

[thesingingrevolution]

the way winwin carefully scheduled his year around the wayv comeback but sm suddenly switched the comeback dates up on him and he ended up not being able to participate ... and THEN he cant make it to the versache event cus he has to talk all of this out w the company.

yunquis r so strong... i would not be able to deal fr. how do u do it???

first of all thanks for your message 🙇🏻‍♀️💌

personally, i felt so upset and disappointed when the news broke :( it was bad enough it was gonna be an ot5 comeback, but when it was revealed it was because sm changed their pre planned schedule it made me angry. i understand that winwin has other important activities and if it was his own choice to sit this one out, i would have respected his decision and happily supported the other five members. but the fact that he went out of his way to ensure his schedule would align and they couldn’t even respect that.. it made me really sad. as far as we know, there is no reason this comeback had to me moved up. they just did it. and i’ve never seen anything like it, how can a company not respect their artist in this incredibly basic way? it’s heartbreaking.

i wish winwin stays in nct because i truly love him and i love his friendships in the group and his contributions etc etc but stuff like this makes me wish more and more than he only does what he needs to do for his career and happiness, regardless of how we feel. these transgressions are too serious in my opinion, to the point that when wayv were promoting on my youth during the last few months of 2023 as a proper group it almost felt like a fever dream. a full group promoting a comeback together should not be a rare occurrence. it’s so so so sad and wayv as a whole deserve so much better. the fact that i felt absolutely no excitement over this cb and haven’t even looked at concept pics or listened to any songs says so much. i will eventually, but it hurts right now :( i will need some time to get over this. not the fault of any of the members, of course!!! will always love and wish then the best.

moreover i hate that this feeds into the idea that winwin doesn’t care about his group. it’s such a common sentiment in the (toxic/misinformed/immature) parts of the fandom. if anything, winwin’s actions and deliberate desire to partake in the cb tells us the EXACT OPPOSITE. if he didn’t care, he clearly wouldn’t have gone through the trouble. like you’ve said, it’s causing more issues for him. so why would he do it if he didn’t care? i’m glad some clarifying posts went semi viral, and there was a decent amount of outrage. rightfully so.

as for how i do it….. my friend,, it’s not easy. to be honest, i have had periods where it wasn’t good for me (last summer, for example, i had so much free time to dedicate to kpop and it started affecting my mental health when i saw my fav neglected and disrespected all the time). thankfully i am better now and have been for a long time, it’s really embarrassing to admit kpop can mess one up like that lol but i hope people can be honest about how they feel since it’s very real in my experience. i try not too think about it too much and keep busy with other things, i took a huge step back from stan twitter and i only follow a few yunqi accs who post updates/positivity and don’t engage in fanwars and spread aggression across the internet. as for his company, it’s a bit more complicated. i feel as though his potential has never been fully realized, which is sad for a seasoned idol so many years into his career. but it also gives him so much space to grow, every now and then i am so surprised by his incredible work in other areas, because he was held back so much. i am so glad there are people who recognize his potential <3

i also try to remember that even though i love nct and its a huge part of my life, it’s just music and no matter what happens things will be alright. we will always have the good times and memories and that makes me feel better when i get upset. lastly, i learned to primarily focus on my own friends and my own thoughts. just last night, i told a friend i love winwin the most and she said she likes him and that he suits me as a bias. all my irl kpop stan friends have been nothing but supportive and sweet. and in my own head, winwin is the best, i dont have to think about his company and random people online to hold that opinion, and at the end of the day my thoughts are the only ones that really matter when it comes to this.

i’m sorry this is so long hahahha, but hopefully it explains a little about how i feel about all this!! once again thank you for your message 💖

[greensagephase]

Alondra… how do I even begin, nonviolent communication part 8… Let me just say that this part has broken my heart multiple times in the best way possible, I don’t think I’ve ever teared up this much when reading. The fight between Miguel and green goblin had my heart racing how do you write action scenes so well? The amount of dread I felt when Miguel thought that was the end for him, just wanting to get to the highest building for the best view, and all his past memories rushing back into his mind, so many wonderful and heartbreaking memories about his family and even reader… the way you wrote everything was so beautiful. When reader started sensing something was wrong with their spider senses, I could feel the terrible dread and panic (and the callback to Peter… my heart) I swear my heart was racing again when reader found Miguel’s lab empty, with lyla or him nowhere to be found. How reader handled searching for him and tried to be somewhat collected, how could someone handle a situation like this… the urgency of quickly running across the rooftops and climbing to the tower where they eventually found him, I felt so relieved but still panicked, the sight of seeing Miguel in the rain weak and beaten, the amount of strength to stay calm. And when reader started crying looking at Miguel in the hospital… all the emotions and events happened so quickly, all the same feelings reader had when Peter passed coming back when seeing Miguel in such a vulnerable state.

And when Miguel whispers Gabriella’s name and saw his loved ones again!? That was… how do I even express the amount of heartbreak and melancholy I felt? The way you wrote every family members interactions with so much care, and it was incredible to read about Miguel finally getting some sense of closure. To lift that heavy burden which weighed on his shoulders, he needed to hear all that, and I’m so glad you incorporated it into the story. With him seeing his brother, his late wife, his daughter (which was very bittersweet and I’m so happy that he got to hold her one last time… oh and the callback to what he offered her on Dia de los Muertos!!) and to even meet the variant he replaced and be met with only kindness and forgiveness, how can I describe it other than just beautiful and perfect. I’m relieved that he’s okay in the end, but was it was an emotional rollercoaster, in absolutely the best way possible.

You really did it again Alondra, your writing is absolutely beautiful (and I’m so glad you didn’t leave us on a cliffhanger) I can’t wait to read more, knowing that reader’s spider senses went off for Miguel, they must have a very special connection. And with Miguel, being given another opportunity to truly live life, he really deserves it. I really want to add more about some more details I loved but I think I’ve written too much already. You’re an amazing writer, thank you for all the effort you put into your work. ✨✨✨

I quickly want to apologize for the delayed reply! It was my goddaughters' birthday yesterday and I was away helping since Saturday night, so I didn't get to check Tumblr at all after updating. Now, @sunsetdoodler you brought tears to my eyes, again! 😭 Thank you for mentioning the fight scene because I'm actually not good at writing action scenes lol that part took me the entire week to put together on top of figuring out how Miguel's suit works regarding injuries like the ones he received. I had to do some research! The part when Miguel thought that was the end for him... It probably sounds silly but it hurt so bad to even write and I was really stuck on the part about him and Gabriel pretending to be superheroes as kids and Gabriel having nightmares. It really broke my heart, the same way that reader trying to stay collected while searching for Miguel and eventually breaking down at the hospital did! I swear, I just want both reader and Miguel to be happy!!

And that last part of Miguel meeting his family!! I'm so happy you enjoyed it and found it fitting as Miguel's closure! While writing it broke me emotionally, that specific part was in the plans since the beginning of the story because I need this man to get that closure. ATSV Miguel carries a lot of guilt on top of grief and so I wanted to give him this closure in my story, at least. I wanted him to hear those words from Gabi and his variant, who I was also so happy to include because despite only seeing him in one scene, I love him, too. It saddens me that both Miguels have/had a rough life. They both deserve better 😭 And I loved adding the callback to Dia de los Muertos! That part has been one of my favorite parts to write so far, if not my most favorite! I just thought it was very cozy and deserved a little shoutout from sweet Gabi!

I'm also glad I didn't leave you guys on a cliffhanger because next part can be more fluff now. I need fluff after writing this last part lol! And the connection between Miguel and reader will be talked about in the next part somehow. I'm still putting my draft together right now but it'll be there! And agree, Miguel deserves a shot at happiness and maybe after this... He'll start working towards his healing journey at last🥹

Thank you so much, @sunsetdoodler for the beautiful words as always!! Your asks always make my day, I'm not even joking!! I was looking forward to getting on Tumblr today after yesterday's shenanigans and running errands today to see if you had sent one, and I'm happy to see you enjoyed this latest part despite the angst. I hope you enjoy the next part! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Have a wonderful day/night!! ❤️✨

-Alondra

[john-barkston]

Me venting about life:

you know i don't consider myself queer even tho I am Aro / Ace and can find either gender attractive. I have short "boy" hair because I think it finally makes me look like /me/. I am comfortable in my body. I don't believe in marriage or having kids. I don't believe in god. I think religion (yes all of them) is a poison. It took me until my late 20s to realize this about myself. And ever since I've never felt like I couldn't be this person except I am heavily reminded every time I talk to my mom, that she wouldn't like who I am....or at least who I am would devastate her to the point of physical heartbreak.

There's a loooot of family drama going on in the background right now and long story short, im the only person my mom feels comfortable unloading to. which is fine. my dad is dead. her parents are dead. her siblings are insane so not a lot of options, oh, problem, shes also mega christian and she still thinks (or at least hasn't told me otherwise) I am also some what christian. She weeps to me, tells me she doesn't think she can go on like this, how she is hurt by my brother's actions. And I get it. It sucks. It seems like her own son doesn't want to be around her / wants to keep the grand kids from her. There's a lot to unpack about his marriage but we won't go into that either. but I can only offer her an ear. I cannot give advice. The advice I would give would be too harsh, or in the case of GO TO A FUCKING THERAPIST, too secular or something. She never really believed in therapy even though she desperately needs one. (There is A LOT more to this i am not sharing but i promise i am not trying to make this about myself lol even tho it ends up about me T v T ah)

anyway......drama aside She continues the conversation and makes a silly little comment about a conversation she had with my childhood bestfriend's mom about why neither of us are married. (its a joke about how we were scarred for life from a heinous and impromptu "sex ed" bible study thing at an event we went to. We were in 6th grade and they had the whole "you're gonna die and go to hell and get stds and here's some nasty pictures on a fucking projection screen." She tells me how mad I was about it, and how it upset my friend so much. And how they can laugh about it now but obviously it was upsetting and uncalled for. -the did not know it was happening btw. gotta love church events just doing whatever they want in the name of god) This may be a joke, but I know she thinks something wrong must have happened for me to not be married and have kids. She blames her bad relationship with my dad. She blames silly things like this. She blames ....well idk what else, but she's never stopped to consider I don't want that life, because hmmm I just don't!

ugh anyway I lost my steam....point is, I can never be true to my mom. She is way too emotionally unstable for me to come out with it. I want to. I want to be me. I see my friends getting to be themselves around their parents, talking about queer shit, just being human, but i'm always keeping my mouth shut or dodging conversations with my mom, and of course I will always be there for her because I love her but, man, it's rough. I am so sorry for everyone who has ever had to keep their true selves from their family. AND I DON"T EVEN HAVE IT BAD LOL. I am the most vanilla queer you can be.....but man even then....

thank you for coming to my ted talk. it is very lame that this tumblr post is my vent blog L O L but oh well. typing it out helped and publishing it makes it go out into the void and away from me so yeah.....= v = bye.

[imjusthereforthegayness]

Trigger warnings: assault, pretty much anything bad, bystander effect

Tldr; I’ve always been so at a loss of understanding and heartbreak (can’t event really explain?) on how it must feel to be someone that NEEDS help but there is either no one there to help or no one WILLING to help. I experienced this BRIEFLY SOOOOO BRIEFLY, literally 10 minutes, and was so shaken.

I recently wrote this https://www.tumblr.com/imjusthereforthegayness/765476250381910016/psa-please-make-sure-you-have-something-with-you

Now…I didn’t add this to my original story because I felt that there may be people that read it (lol it’s probably not going to be seen at all) and I didn’t want them to potentially miss out on it because of trigger warnings. I also then didn’t add it because while I wrote it as a way to get my feelings out I also wanted to de-depressify it and I didn’t want to add it at the time.

Background: I was outside at night and got my thumb caught in my car door. I had no phone, no keys. While I was screaming bloody murder no one came to help except my dad who heard me after about 10 minutes.

During the thumb incident, mostly afterwards, I was thinking about SO many things. Mostly about being heard. I hate even writing this but I need to get it off my chest. When I was stuck one of the things that I remember thinking out of fear and anger was “what if I/someone was being sexually or physically assaulted??????? you’re telling me no one can hear me?” There’s this tiny part of my brain (because I’ve heard people say things, I’ve been in situations, etc) that wonders if someone DID hear me screaming but didn’t come out because they thought someone else was going to, because they were scared it was fake and it was a ruse to hurt them, they were just going to call 911 instead, etc. I was stuck for 10 minutes, while that sucked and it was mostly scary because in my brain at the time I didn’t know it was going to be 10 minutes. It wasn’t like there was a clock telling me how long I had, it was uncertain. But 10 minutes isn’t 7 hours. The reason it was really getting to me is because this, the feeling of someone NEEDING help, and either not being heard because you’re just literally not being heard OR someone hearing you BUT IGNORING YOU. (Bystander effect. Fuck you bystander effect) This has always been something that STUCK in my brain. There are many, many people (as we all know) who have HORRIFYING things happen to them and NEED someone but the one that was playing in my head (along with others) is a hit and run that happened literally at the end of the street I live on. It’s a suburban type neighborhood, 35 mph roads, etc but the thing is that one/some of the boulevards connect to a busy 4 lane road. I recently moved here but last year there was a woman who was visiting her family. She was walking to a bar to meet a friend, she came off her street and onto the boulevard but was walking on the grass. She made it TWO STREETS away from her house before waking up in the middle of the road. Someone hit her and left. She was able to reach her phone and call for help. The driver has still not been found. She’s alive, okay but now she has permanent health issues, she is no longer able to continue her dream career, etc. Her life is altered forever now.

There isn’t really an exact reason for this post beyond getting my feelings out and the obvious of if you see/hear something please do something.

(And I would also like to say…I’m a grown up. Like almost 30 grown up. I’m not saying I’ve always made the best choices but in situations when it comes to doing the right thing or making the right choice especially in regards to other people let’s do our best, grow, change, etc if we need to. Mostly to not be fuck sticks)

[warpspeedgirl]

Got the rest of the stuff out of the apartment and I thought I’d feel relieved since this situation has been causing me so much stress throughout my pregnancy and the past year but I just felt sad. I cried and cried. A lot of bad memories and loss and grief and loneliness there. The best memories I had were when Adiba and I were talking after work and when my friends from the broad and the observatory and my sisters and family would visit. I thought I wouldn’t be able to have a good pregnancy or properly prepare for my baby until I got rid of the apartment and a real separation from her since she was never going to acknowledge how much of a jerk she was being and I was so so hurt by her. I thought about her when I got married and had my shower and birthed my baby and all of the fun traditional African and Jamaican family events that happened in between. I wanted her there for those but I also didn’t. I wanted her to meet my baby and experience how funny and smart and cute he is, to smell how good he smells, and be an auntie to him and take pictures of them like how I do with everyone else who visits. I thought of her brief glimpses in those important moments because a past version of me never could’ve imagined she wouldn’t be there for them. I had some dreams about helping plan her bridal party one day lol. We were going to name our kids middle names after eachother. I wanted her to hold him and kiss him. She loves babies. I didn’t even send her his cute little birth announcement and calligraphy cards and champagne that I made. She’s part of the reason why he even exists. To see how much of a good mom I actually turned out to be! The dichotomy… I think these things, these type of painful separations do happen for a reason though. We both had work to do on our own individually and I just couldn’t see the friendship the same way after all those things she said to. The fact that she could even say those things initially at all. Maybe we’ll have a different kind of way of relating to eachother in the future or we’ll think of eachother differently idk. I’m always going to love her and miss her a little bit. The role she’s played in my life- She’s still an important person to me of course! It ended in heartbreak and so much hurt and honestly horrifying devastation but a lot of self growth for me about what kind of behavior and words thrown on me that I will and won’t allow and that my opinions and views hold weight. We were there for a LOT in eachothers lives. My hospitalizations and when I was severely underweight and underweight. Breakups and family issues and fun times and laughter and going on walks and working out and coffee, talking about our true crime obsessions, and showing eachother art and sharing our experiences and learning from eachother and taking advice from one other quite seriously. Our families liked eachother. Her mom cooking for me and my family, her dogsitting and housesitting for us, me taking her to the hospital and running to her side with tea whenever she was down from relationship issues or needed to come over for a break. I admire a lot of things about her and things I learned from her over the years while simultaneously still feeling really shocked and hurt by her words and actions and, all the things that happened. She couldn’t see how bringing up her case manager was manipulative, she couldn’t see that saying “I’m just not going to ask for help anymore” was manipulative and lead me to defend myself with her saying she “didn’t understand the point” of me bringing up what I’ve done for the apartment after she drove me to it, she accused me of not genuinely trying to understand her. That behavior (and so much more) is NOT okay with me.

I’ve been in so much pain over it and the loss of the friendship and anxiously ruminating over certain hurts for so long. It was a financial and emotional burden. It’s good to be done. It’s good to move on and just actually be able to release shit and not have constant reminders of bad memories associated with the “end”. It’s good to still remember sweet memories. I feel so 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦. And it was is so, so good to come home to my husband and son and his grandparents.

[abisexualdude]

venting about... my whole life i suppose?

(05/07/2024 11:03pm - 06/07/2024 1:51am)

the reason why im here is because i am a person who spirals very easily. one thing slightly unpleasant happens and i get reminded of previous unpleasant events. and starting yesterday (04/07/2024), that has been happening again. this time instead of sleeping it away, i want to document the negative emotions im feeling so i can possibly figure out ways to rid them of me. this is going to be a little messy, im no writer myself, but i hope if future me sees this, he'll make use of the words im typing today.

let's start with family: i grew up christian, and still remember one time when i was at sunday school as a kid (6-7 yo i think), an older teacher there spent the lesson teaching us how homosexuality is evil/immoral, telling us how the gays go to hell blablabla. that became something i held onto because as a kid, you just do not question what you are told, and i ignored all the signs suggesting i could be anything other than straight. however teenage me, having my first ever phone and getting access to the internet, realized that i was bisexual. im not saying every christian ever is homophobic, but the church was the place where i've experienced homophobia for the first time in my life. as a result, i started despising the church more and more, eventually never going again near 15 yo. about a year after that and my grandmother passed away. she's been a devoted christian her whole life and one of the final moments i shared with her, she told me to never leave the embrace of god. when i told her that i was not straight, and it was hard for me to return to somewhere i can be shamed for being queer, she did not answer with hostility, but curiousness: "can boys love each other?" that's what she said to me at the time. the discussion eventually ended. i did not go back to church for even once after that. and to this day, i am still sorry for not fulfilling what my grandmother has wanted for me. one of the kindest souls ive ever met in my life, and yet i cannot fulfill her wish.

onto depression: and again, back when i was a kid, i was recognized as a 'talented student' (i kinda hate that words lol), getting good grades in primary definitely inflated my ego, which only made the fact that i couldnt keep up in secondary all the more heartbreaking, to myself and my parents. the secondary school i was in had this system of 'elite classes', basically you get good grades, have a top enough position among your peers and you're in an elite class for the next year, without really any practical difference from the 'normal classes'. me, having nice grades in primary, was in an elite class for the first year of secondary but immediately got dropped out in the next year coz of bad grades (dead last in the class). my father was furious coz of this and refused to talk to me for six months after that. the academic stress eventually led to depression, though i only found out through talking with the social worker at school + online self-diagnosis, which is... cringe idk a better word :p

the depression persisted throughout my secondary years. i was constantly struggling under local educational system, and i recall my class teacher saying to me that i'd perform better overseas, and though that was out of wanting better for me, i felt powerless because my family financially could not and was not willing to support me studying in a foreign country. fast forward a few years, big political stuff happened here, and many of my friends left the country with their family before the last year of secondary. im ok at socializing so i do have a bit of friends in my grade but my BEST friends that were in my class left, and a huge sense of being abandoned took over, especially when i thought we were going to be taking on the open examination (it determines whether you get admitted into uni or not, it's made a SUPER huge deal here. the 3 years of senior secondary school you're going to be constantly reminded and thinking of it non-stop) together. seeing how much they're happier abroad compared to when they were here (easier curriculum and healthier education system), and of course myself, i got jealous. i wanted to be abroad too. i was so sick of waking up having close to no sleep, fighting the urge to fall asleep in class instead of actually learning, trying to take notes of the teachers' words but failing, ending up writing gibberish while dreaming (just looked it up, it's called hypnagogic hallucinations? first time hearing that phrase lol) even though i only fell asleep for seconds. i especially remember a day at school when they were promoting mental health, showed us a microfilm about suicide and it just triggered something in me, i needed to take the light rail to get home after school, so there i was standing on the platform. as the train came close, i could hear my heart pounding, wondering if i should jump and end it all. i was not brave to do it at the end, but the image is forever burned into my brain. fast forward a few weeks and i overshared with the social worker like i always do, she called my parents and we all went to a mental health clinic and I finally got professionally diagnosed with depression.

months after that i took the open exam. had awful results so didn't get admitted into uni. i didnt know what to do at that point so i just rotted at home for days. my mom was the one who did all the research for me (i love my mom sm), attending talks about other potential degrees and that got me to stop sitting on my ass (mostly out of shame coz i didn't want my mom to have to worry about me instead of attending to her own work) and pursued an associate degree.

that's about it for academic stuff. onto my personal life: I love gaming, it is probably the only hobby that has stuck with me for my entire life. i tried badminton, table tennis, swimming, taekwondo, but i stopped doing those due to one reason or another. when I had my first actually functional pc at ~15 yo, i started playing online games on it and realized i didn't have stable internet connection and that has always messed with my mental because i'd lose coz the delay + lag spikes. things got even worse after we moved because now we're in more secluded spot, with worse internet reception. I wanted to stream myself gaming, but cannot do that consistently, given the circumstance. i also hang out with friends online through discord, we are really ALL over the world (NA, EU, etc. I am from Asia) but i am always the one lagging in games or in vc (i cant even screenshare consistently). these further pushes me into jealousy, how everyone can access the internet to their hearts' content and im stuck here, self-conscious about lagging.

and the part i'd least want to share: my sexuality. don't get me wrong, i am very proud for being bisexual/queer, but i am kinda hypersexual, which leads to me making hot-headed decisions when im interested in someone. as long as they do not show signs of wanting me to stop, i can be flirty with anyone who is friendly to me and i kinda hate that part about myself. i have not dated anyone in my life aside a brief online relationship, so i think im just desperate for a romantic partner.

(this paragraph is going to contain details that is borderline SA/r*pe, please skip ahead if you are not comfortable.) my first sexual interaction was when I was 17, I graduated high school, was working part-time at the time and decided to get a gay dating app. lied about being 18 and a guy messaged me asking if i'd like to chill at his place, i made sure to tell that i was not going to do anal with him (coz im a virgin and would have liked to hold my V card still), the guy agreed and me being naive, trusted him. when i was there the next day, we chatted and after some time he invited me onto his bed, and i ended up giving him a blowjob. he asked if he could put it in me 2-3 times and kept on asking after i denied him the previous time. when he finally asked the final time, i was too scared and gave in. he then did it to me without any form of protection. immediately after that hookup, i regret ever doing that and i was VERY VERY stupid to have done that. so whether you are straight or queer (especially if you're young), please do not trust strangers like i did, you can be taken advantage of too easily.

my second sexual interaction was with an online friend, i travelled abroad to meet him and we spent a week together. it was a very pleasant experience since he was so kind to me and took care of me in a lot of ways. i didn't expect to crush on him after i returned, but i did. and as i expected, he didn't return the same feelings. we remained friendly after that and i learnt that he's going to travel to another country to meet up with another person (basically what I did with him). months after he returned, i learnt that they are now dating. the thought that he's had sex with another person and him choosing them over me in both a sexual and romantic way makes me so jealous, which i realize is so so pathetic of me but i just can't help it. i suppose only time will heal.

ok this is going to be the last paragraph, but this is causing me more stress than negative emotion. now that I've finished pursuing my associate degree, I'll be starting a full-time job. and in November, i'll be applying for a work permit to canada. if it does get accepted in the future, i'll be working for a year there and apply for PR once i fulfill the requirements. i've told my parents about it. but this also means that i'll have to leave close to everyone in my life behind- my family, my friends, to go to a country I've never been to. it's going to be tough. i already know it. and i just don't know how well i'll be faring against the loneliness, knowing how insecure and unwell my mental can be. but i really hope to live in a place where i dont have to constantly look behind my back for words i type on the internet, or wearing a primarily black outfit in public. and also, be proud of my sexuality and be respected for who i am.

trying to untangle these emotions is hard because as i said, i spiral very easily and they get mixed into one big blob of negative emotions so i really have to think hard to recall each specific events. i hope if someone does see my vent, they do find my experience interesting/helpful/inspiring even?idk. but i was mainly doing this for me. like i said, to note down what is causing me to feel insecure and fragile so that i can hopefully feel better/forget all these in my future life.

[abstractbro]

A RECAP

Was it a bad idea to make a recap for the past 7 years? Yes and no. I had a great time reminiscing about the past and actually surprised at the many many things that have happened to me :")

2017 - Pretty much having the best time of my life. Went on a trip to SG with kris and michelle! And AB also went to Kota Tua guys!!!

2018 - Was a senior in campus and had the busiest year. I held two organizational positions and became the head of an art event (apparently still had it in me guys👍🏼). Did my bachelor thesis bye the end of the year too. On top of that, I also went to Nepal for a conference and realized that I love going to exotic travel destinations😭

2019 - Started the year going to South Korea🇰🇷!!! Had to squeeze in as many vacations as possible before starting my clerkship for the next 2 years😅 Was quite a stressful year, even cried in front of my teachers during the end exam🤣 This year Shib and I met up for quite a few times too! Also, started becoming a bit health conscious by going for runs and walks with friends

2020 - Does everyone remember the pandemic? Hahaa!! I managed to squeeze in a mini staycation with my friends beginning of the year, which was awesome. Then everything was #stayathome , where I picked up a bit of cooking and baking skills, got addicted to home workouts, took virtual photoshoots, redecorated my rooms, became COVID-19 relief volunteer, and held lots of Zoom webinars. We closed the year with a meetup at Michelle's place, wearing masks and all🤣

2021 - I! Finished! My! Studies! And! Became! A! Doctor!!!!👩🏻‍⚕️ Pandemic started loosening a bit, so I made it out of the house for leisure, even my friend got married. Also, picked up my love for K-Pop (again, lol). But then, Delta wave hit and I had to start my internship.

2022 - Switched back to be an iPhone user (best decision ever). And was at the PEAK of my healthy, sporty lifestyle, tried everything from tennis, squash, yoga, pilates, trekking, and ride classes🤣. Had a break from work for 6 months, interned at Halodoc, had a proper date, experienced a broken heart, AND watched my fav K-Pop boyband front view :")

2023 - The year I became comfortable with myself🫶🏼 Although for quite a while, I was close with this guy, made me experience another heartbreak but learned so so many things. Despite it, I had such an eventful year; went to many solo dates, met up with friends A LOT, watched so many concerts, funded my own trips abroad, flew to South Korea for a concert, adopted a cat (Piyik💖), started weightlifting, many many weddings, and and and I got accepted to UI for Acupuncture, gonna continue to take my specialist studies🙏🏼

*Appendix:

List of concerts in 2023

- Vierratale

- FKJ

- Blackpink

- Treasure

- Stray Kids

- Niki

- Twice

Next post.....

[benefits1986]

The UGH Tale of Three UN-Kalaw Soul Sisters

Sisterhood that defies timezones, biases and delulu dreams is definitely awesome and gruesome, too.

I was 17 going 18 when I met R and G. Clad in an all-white friggin' uniform, I stomped to my first class in Kalaw. UGH. I never dreamt of being a nurse because the uniform is just too pristine and unadulterated. Dalisay in Tagalog for me. I'm nowhere near that because I've always cling to an all-black ensemble or a loud random meh get up which depends on my mood meter. I hate walking in hospital corridors because I can feel the burn coming in all directions. Ika nga ng isang malupet ng TEDTalks, hospitals are not meant for the dying. They milk the living. :p Hindi naman 'yun ang sinabi pero ganun na rin nga.

Looking intentionally after others started even before Kinder summer then Prep in my book. This started when I was volunteered by mother dragon to look after my brother who survived a lumbar puncture at three months old and hydrocephalus. He was and still is a meningitis survivor who started school at the "right" age and finished his studies after a series of unfortunate events that will forever be in his transcript of records in blazing red.

As I pen this 4 AM piece, let me refocus my lens. Whenever I share this story about my brother, people usually go wild, especially those who've seen and talked to my brother in real life. They say that there's ZERO trace of his battle with an infection in his nervous system. Slay, brother. Slay. I cringe and dismiss this supposed compliment which kinda means that mother dragon and I did well. But, the behind the scenes caused me so much than I can afford. Looking in right now while the rest of universe in Manila is probably in dream land or about to wake up, let me remind myself, my other selves and my "self elves" that mom and I's team up is not bad, not bad at all. Seeing my brother care for his two kids is magic, miracle and delusion in my book, all at once. He knows this too well because he asks me how he is as a parent. Time flies and so does my brother. His flight is never easy, but, I think, he feels that it's worth it. I remember asking him so many times about why he dreams of having a kid or two. He explains it simply. He wants it because he wants to have a chance to care for someone that came from him and his partner. He shared this over his major heartbreak when I came home very, very late at night. His tissue dump is reeking of tears, sweat and bruised soul and damaged ego.

I froze when I saw him, honestly. I was at the brink of laughing my head off and cutting his head off, too. I told him off the bat that he knows so well that his first serious relationship is a shit show dressed to the nines which involved a touch move, place move of her ex to no less than the Land of the Rising Sun.

He told me that he knew all along that this endgame is ending for good this time around. (Syempre, hindi endgame sabi niya. Translated to current times lang the last line.) I'll tell the rest of the story because this side story is just too graphic and not too aligned with my vibe for this piece. :p My two soul sisters and I belonged to the same class. I didn't really like interacting with people but they managed to start a small talk I deflected so well for the first few days. Funny how I don't remember our first "meet un-cute" but I do remember specific scenes where they etched my memory bank even when my default is I DON'T CARE.

I saw R toting a Snoopy kili-kili bag. LOL. Since mother dragon loves Snoopy, I asked her where she got her basic bitch tote. LOL. Then, she asked where I lived and was happy that we're a few barangays apart. I asked her why she studied in a science high school that's nowhere near her address. She laughed and explained the legwork that happened. We became lunch buddies, but I withdraw myself most of the time, because she's too boring apart from her nerd girl vibe.

Later, G joined the group which is now getting bigger and bigger before I knew it. UGH. Big groups kill me. Too much happening and I can't wait to go home. G is feisty and flirty. She is a boy magnet even when she's just literally walking down UN with us. I like having her with us because she's the usual target and the usual suspect. LOL. That means, I can live undetected and unnoticed. :P One stormy morning, after eating in no less than Jollibee, she opened her umbrella to shield her immaculate white uniform from a crazy downpour. Here umbrella gave her zero fucks and she tried working it out several times. I watched her white uniform get drenched. I was kinda perplexed because she could have checked her umbrella before heading out and/or open it before we even walk in the rain, right? UGH. When she realized that her umbrella is fucked up, she laughed out loud at herself and at her poor state. She asked nicely if we can share an umbrella. I actually hesitated and she was taken aback. I didn't flinch. She told me that I am indeed an ice queen. I gave in to her request, eventually.

She told me that next time, she won't ever forget to check her umbrella before leaving the deep south. I winced because her umbrella misadventures keep popping in my head, right now. LOL. Ganun siya talaga e. She even managed to joke around that I probably won't forget our first close encounter. Dinaig niya K-Drama, Eiga Sai and Cinemalaya 200X edition.

Though our group is big and I have an all boys + me arcade hood, the these two and I stick like glue. :D Shemay. I actually can't believe that we've been together for so long because our personalities are extremes. G and R usually kid me that I ought to accept that opposites repel so as long as they have common grounds like our life-long commitment to Harry Potter. Dito talaga nila ako na badly hit e. Legit Potterhead. Walang halong kemikal. :D G is Hufflepuff. R is Gryffindor. Me, Ravenclaw na feeling ko pa rin, Slytherin ako. Side Note: Maganda lang kasi talaga merch ng Gryffindor and I'd most likely give them away when the time is right, and the reasons are right. Akala mo naman andami kong merch noh? Right now, the scarf and the pen lang naman pinaka legit because I can't afford them noon. Now, mejj naman kaya itawid. Europa 2025, alam na this. Dadanak ang blue blood sa mga pasilyo mo. Humanda. :D

So how did we pan this unlikely sisterhood that goes a long way from Manila's South, Cali and Canada? We make it work, consistently and effortlessly. We choose to set aside our super crazy extreme beliefs, and work with our common denominators. The reason why I'm penning this piece at this ungodly hour is because G has been updating us about her baby shower after 16 years of having an unica bisexual bitch on training, aka my Potterhead inaanak, first of their name, goth-emo-anime fan, turtle-loving baby pa rin sa paningin naming tatlo. CHZ. Her babe is an XY which comforted me so much, because, one girl in her hood is enough lalo in a land where... ayoko na lang muna mag-talk. Mamaya na muna.

R on the other hand is slaying the perils and pedestals of no less than Silicon Valley's OG brand I will not name. She's happily married to Tito R and blessed with an adopted cat, T. T is also my inaanak and kahit sobrang sungit niya, papansin siya. HAHAHAHAHA. We're at the age of legit, full blown adulting. Topics revolve around memes, reels and me having to explain my joke or hirit to G. R naman is usually telling me to go easy on G, because ganun talaga vibe niya, UN-Kalaw days pa lang. Tanggap ko naman na raw, pero 'yung mga subtext-enriched comms, kami na lang magusap. HOWKEY.

R and G are my soul sisters who allowed me to be in my element as an ice queen with a very hidden dark heart and dark art. CHZ. They never failed to call me out and put out my fire when it's off the roof. LOL. Kahit it means there's danak ng dugo, iyak, uhog at luha lalo when they we're overextending their hands, legs, feet and hypothalamus when mom died. Wala sila sa Pinas noon so easy way to shut the emotional shit out. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ang lala. Still, they stay and chos (LOL) to not give up on my grandest production to date featuring ice queen x fire woman na ayaw talagang mag-open up kahit mhie, valid naman magpabaha ng feelings. LOL. Umabot na kami sa points na mala-FOMO na because ayoko talagang sabihin na kawawa ako dahil wala na akong nanay. LOL. Mhie, ang lala.

R and G wear their hearts on their sleeves like there's no tomorrow. But, zooming in 100000000000x these days, I'm beginning to see their lights and shadows, better. UGH.

Topics of our DMs and GCs are now leveling up the adulting game: mortgage, sick parents, sick relatives, dying people, hyperinflation, being a woman in the corp shit world, being a human that's bound by skin color and the like, being a pet mom, being an ate, an anak, a tita, a yaya, a mayordoma, a bad cop, a good cop, a delulu aging millennial, an inner child healer and enabler, a bill payer, a Cosmo Girl living with the chances to be poorita all over again, and the like.

Happy to share that we all have our own spaces na rin. HUHUHUHUHUHU. Para sa mga lower middle and middle class, no matter how tiny your own space is, kahit gapang lusak and panget address and location mo, milestone 'yan. But, you know what the magic and mystery of being middle class? Hindi ka takot sumadsad sa lusak kasi alam mo how it is to be under ground zero, literally and figuratively. Hindi ka gahaman sa status kasi alam mo kung saan ka lulugar at alam mo rin anong kapasidad mo patungo sa gusto mong destination bago ka ma-Final Destination walking pneumonia style.

I am really blessed and humbled as I'm keying in this piece. It's nice to have my tiny intentional curation of my people. Tawang-tawa nga sila bakit pati people, I curate. I overthink so need ko 'yan for my sanity and insanity. But what I mean kasi talaga by curate I share with R and G, is I usually get interesting conversations naman talaga. Kahit ayoko. Usually start sa random kamusta. Ganun. So, this me, trying with full intent to spend my energy on people, spaces, and product x promos (like flights, dog stuff, Shein, Gourdos and food finds) that will matter for the long term. :) Ready na tayo for real sa real thing. CHZ. Bakit nanse-stress na naman ako rn? Hahahahahaha.

Actually, this morning's piece should be about: Moving In, Moving Out: Film Dreams e. So, may context na lang tayo please kasi Tuesday na. Maaga pa ako saka andami ko pang need gawin para malinis ang Q1 2024 ko. Tabi. Eto na tayo. UGH.

Also, need time to meet up with my friends na matatampuhin like UGH. Asar na nga, talo pa kasi sabi bakit 'pag games kahit Araneta, present ako. Me: Hold my goblet, explain ko when we see each other po. Sure akong masisindak kayo. LOL. Habol ako. Promise. Hindi na ako masyadong flaker ngayon. Saktong flaker na lang. Check natin this December 2023, kung totoo nga 'di na ako flaker because... we the South e. LOL. Easy way out is always more than liquid gold.

PS: I messaged G kasi nasa crossroads na naman siya with a very obvious answer na 'di na kelangan i-explain. Me: "Pray and work it. Proud of you always. All ways." HAHAHHAHAHHAHA. Ambait ko na talaga. Pero karne 'to sa akin mamaya or bukas. CHZ. :p

[avelera]

See, I really appreciate the dip into the comics here because I don't know them as well as I know the 30 minutes of him in the show (lol, naturally, one's a bit easier to grasp in depth) BUT it's absolutely true that Hob has many mortal relationships over the years and there are mentions of him marrying more than once (I tend to leave it out of fic because I enjoy the Grand Romance of him only allowing one formal marriage but still having life partners after that, but that's just me and fic writing).

BUT ANYWAY, yes! He keeps falling in love! He doesn't get bitter of it, either! He weeps like anyone would, or any man in his 30s-ish would. Then like most humans do in the real world even after losing someone they loved for a lifetime, he falls in love again!

But what I really wanted to speak to in your addition was how he doesn't become "special" and how he never disconnects.

First, that he never disconnects. That's so, so counter to type in the immortal genre! Like, it was so inconceivable to Gaiman's peer Alan Moore that someone with immortality could fail to detach from humanity entirely that he created Doctor Manhattan in Watchmen. We can never know for sure because it's never happened, but in theory an actual immortal human would have nothing in common with us after a few centuries. Over and over in the fictional immortal genre, they detach inevitably after a lifetime or two. All of Anne Rice's vampires struggle deeply, every day, with trying to recall their lost humanity and being largely unable to. And once they fully detach, most of them destroy themselves.

I cannot understate how big a deal it is that Hob always has a job. I would even argue, on a Watsonian in-universe level that having a job is how Hob stops himself from going mad. It's really hard to get swallowed by the event horizon of immortality and eternity when you have a job to do ever day, when you have colleagues depending on you, when you have to get up and get dressed and see the calendar every day. Other immortals are all, "Oh, what year is it? Time flies, I forgot the century," etc etc. Hob doesn't. Hob seems, in my mind, deeply grounded in little, silly things like "What day is it?" Because he stays involved in day to day things like making a living and he appears to do it in every lifetime we see of him. Or at least, money is always a concern for him, even if we don't always know his current profession. That also keeps him grounded in the fashion of the time and the language and the slang and the daily news and concerns. Working alongside other humans, loving other humans, seems like it would an incredible antidote to the "detached immortal" schtick. And it means not skipping the hard parts like getting up in the morning to go to work or dealing with the heartbreak of losing people. Yes, those things suck, but when you avoid those things you tilt off into greater pain and detachment because now you can't connect to anything or anyone at all. The bad parts are part of enjoying the good parts. The bad parts keep you grounded enough to enjoy the good parts.

And finally, I adore your point about how we, the audience, think we'd be special as immortals. How Hob kind of puts lie to that particular wish fulfillment fantasy. Maybe we'd figure out how to become detached mega wealthy aristocrats after a century, but maybe not! Maybe we'd just bumble along! Maybe we'd keep fucking up and making mistakes, even when we should know better! Maybe Hob even tried to do all that and realized he was tilting off the planet into detached immortal angst and insanity the minute he stopped needing to go to work in the morning or being in love with people he'd have to say goodbye to and he stopped! Maybe he never even tried because it never occurred to him because he's Just A Dude! Either way, what a fabulous take on immortality, simply by going so aggressively against the genre expectations.

Hob Gadling - the absolute maddest of immortal lads

One of the things I love most about Hob Gadling as a character (and as a result, do my best to capture in fic) is how unique his reactions are to immortality and to Dream, and how he so often does the opposite of what one would expect from the genre of "humans granted immortality" but also what the average person and most of the audience expects that they would do with immortality, lending well to the concept that Hob is, genuinely, unhinged and a truly supernatural creature in his own right, which is often lost when the character we see him most often juxtaposed against is Dream, who is even more odd and unhinged if in very different ways

(I've decided to be systematic about this and go through meeting by meeting so strap in, folks it got long, as usual!)

1389 - First of all, Hob simply bragging at all that he doesn't plan to die. OG hipster right there, loving life before it was cool. But also, ok, loving life after being born less than a decade after the Black Plague ended. And in the midst of a great many Black Plague aftershocks! The latter half of the 1300s was a truly abysmal time to be alive, with huge social upheaval, war, plagues, "two bloody Popes fightin'" and in the midst of all this is Hob motherfuckin' Gadling, cheerfully announcing that death is for suckers and he doesn't intend to ever do it.

The man is a soldier! You'd think he'd be more accepting and philosophical about his inevitable death given the time he lives in, the profession he has chosen, the fact that most young men his age were wiped out at age 9 by the second wave of the Black Death, and just, in general, doing all of this while having the misfortune to live in England at the time.

And then when Dream comes up to him, like a complete weirdo, and challenges him on this, Hob is actually pretty nice to him! He gives him a side eye but he also goes along with the question, tells him to ignore his friend's jibes, and cheerfully accepts the wager! I cannot express to you how many turns in the road there are between what a normal person would do and what Hob Gadling does in that moment.

1489 - This one bugs me because the most unexpected thing Hob does is seemingly regress in maturity despite now being 100+ years old.

Now, I'm a huge fan of the theory that he's conning Dream right now and putting on the innocent chucklehead routine to put Dream off from kidnapping him to Faerie Land in exchange for his immortality. HOWEVER, since that's just a headcanon, let's take Hob as he is on the page!

Hob has a job. A Freaking Job. He used to be a bandit and a soldier, things that kind of make sense to do as an immortal (like The Old Guard) when you can't die! You could theoretically make BANK there just by taking dangerous jobs. But Hob doesn't?? He gets a normal-ass job, though in that day's equivalent of getting a job at Microsoft or Apple before they became big, Caxton is like one of the first modern startups in essence, a new technology that made TONS of money once it was imported, and Hob was on the ground floor. Still. HE GOT A JOB as an IMMORTAL. He doesn't seem to have this immortality thing figured out yet? And he doesn't ask Dream hardly any questions about it either! You'd think he'd be frothing at the mouth to better understand wtf happened to him, but once Dream clarifies that he's not the Devil and Hob's soul isn't in danger, that's it! No further questions, your honor! WHAT??

Also, just when you WOULD expect him to beg for death (that IS the genre savvy thing to do, Dream's not wrong!) he DOESN'T. He's more in awe than ever, he seems to be experiencing a second childhood over the fact. He's just vibing and living life. That's so, so unusual in this genre.

Hob also hasn't done any of the savvy things an immortal might do after 100 years! He doesn't actually seem all that angsty about why is he immortal, beyond a bit of fear he might need to pay the piper (Dream) now for this gift. Most vampires in an Anne Rice novel would have gone through about 20 stages of grief after they dealt with the first 100 years of everyone they know and love dying but Hob seems to not only be unbothered but actively gearing up for the next century. It's so bizarre. IT'S SO BIZARRE and I love it because I LOVE characters who DON'T do what you'd expect!

1589 - Hob has a family. HOB HAS A FAMILY. Who in their right MIND would start a family, knowing you'd have to bury your spouse and your children? HOB MOTHERFUCKING GADLING that's who! It's incomprehensible! He does it anyway! It's why I headcanon that he planned to support and nurture his family throughout time, like it was all very deliberate to found a dynasty, but it need not be! Knowing him, he just saw a pretty girl and married her! He didn't even CONSIDER his own wife and children getting angry and jealous with him for having immortality he can't share with them? He didn't even CONSIDER the heartbreak?? WHAT?! Who knows! He just did!

Now, this Hob HAS begun to do SOME of the things one would expect of an immortal - like build up generational wealth, BUT he has a KNIGHTHOOD. What immortal in their right MIND would draw that sort of attention to themselves?? HOB, THAT'S WHO. What are you ON, man, that's INSANE! No wonder he got drowned as a witch the man had ZERO CAUTION AT ALL.

1689 - the man is destitute. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IF YOU'RE AN IMMORTAL? This is AS puzzling as anything else. Theoretically, Hob could just take a dangerous job with a high fatality rate for quick cash and rebuild his fortune pretty quickly, but he DOESN'T. What went wrong? The possibilities are tantalizing and painfully human that maybe he did do that and failed anyway, or hit even WORSE strings of truly abysmal bad luck.

But somehow, at 300 YEARS OLD it's not until 1789 that we hear Hob has begun socking money away for a rainy day! How does it TAKE YOU that long, sir?? How is that NOT something you figure out in your first century? I've seen a lot of fan writers ascribe a certain amount of immortal savvy to Hob but it's REALLY not there on the page! The guy is NOT genre savvy about immortality AT ALL he doesn't do ANY of the things one would expect, it's absolutely WILD that he falls this low after 300 years after completely failing to, theoretically, CONSIDER this possibility! And then, AND THEN, the guy STILL wants to live. I mean, this one hardly needs saying, that's nuts after what he went through, it's on the page that he's NUTS for this. But the guy is literally in the gutter dreaming of the stars, he is unstoppable I love him so fucking much what a force of nature.

1789 - OK, we've already mentioned that it took until 1789 for Hob to start saving money for a rainy day but let's talk about the fact HE'S NOT ACTUALLY CAREFUL ABOUT BEING CAPTURED?? Again, least genre savvy immortal EVER. You can't die so you'd THINK that being captured or imprisoned or god forbid, thrown down a mine shaft would be the SCARIEST possible fates when you don't have death as an escape, but the guy doesn't even blink at the thought of getting captured by an occultist like Johanna Constantine, dude's totally unbothered! DREAM has to tell him after 400 YEARS that maybe he should be worried about this? THE GUY GOT DROWNED AS A WITCH, picked himself up, dusted himself off, got into some crimes against humanity, and MOVED ON apparently without learning a single goddamn lesson he hasn't had since 1389 which is how to kick ass and look good doing it BUT HE'S NOT EVEN A PROFESSIONAL FIGHTER AS A CAREER, he's just a gentleman of means!

He just... lives a normal human life and seems to expect weird things like being kidnapped by occultists to not happen so long as he stays within those boundaries and you know what? IT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED! Because to be fair, how many of us outside the bounds of fiction would ever expect the wild stuff like kidnapping to really happen? It's statistically quite vanishingly rare! And that's been all Hob has needed, presumably, to not need to stress since the damn witch trials about his immortality! So yeah, I read fic where Hob is like this very savvy immortal but by 400 YEARS he's BARELY learned to have a savings account under a different name and he STILL doesn't seem too bothered by the possibility of getting hurt or captured! Like, AT ALL?! Absolutely class act right here, top lad, unbelievable, no notes. HOW do you SURVIVE like this as an anomaly, Hob?

1889 - By now, it SEEMS like Hob has bought a clue. He's pretty understated, he's made some amends, SEEMS to have resolved to be less of a shithead, and he's got this immortality thing figured out. It only took him 500 FUCKING YEARS. But again, Hob ISN'T fabulously wealthy as far as we can tell. He's not a megalomaniac and he STILL seems to be vibin' as just a dude doing Just A Dude things like HAVING A JOB and if we borrow from Hob's Leviathan a bit, he's STILL just jumping between industries, just living life down at the normal human level. He hasn't detached from humanity, he lives in the day to day on a level that's just INCONCEIVABLE for a being that's 500 years old.

1989 - Ok, moving on a bit from Hob being an immortal, because getting excited about technology like his brick phone is absolutely so charming I want to squish his cheeks, but he's hardly the only immortal to get excited about that. What I want to talk about is how HOB FORGIVES DREAM for 1889. Because, look, Dream is a prick there. Hob could have been more diplomatic but Dream could have waited for the apology and he didn't.

I have seen SO MANY TAKES where Hob would be MAD after 1889 and RIGHTFULLY SO. But he's NOT. He's not! There are so many fics where he has lingering hurt over it but that's just NOT what the character does! He blames himself! Guy did pretty much nothing wrong except maybe choose his words poorly, but he's blaming HIMSELF for making Dream uncomfortable. Absolute legend. Saints have nothing on this man, that is saint-like behavior. I'd be furious. Hob just misses his friend and BLAMES HIMSELF that Dream isn't there. Not an a single, microscopic trace of anger in sight.

2022 - And then, AND THEN, when he has EVERY REASON to flip out when Dream shows up, finally, after 133 YEARS, after Hob has APPARENTLY stuck around the area just in case, WAITING for him, what does this fucking legend say? "You're late."

THAT'S IT! He's not mad, he totally has a right to be! He doesn't jump out of his chair in shock, that would be a totally expected reaction to! He glances up! He acts like Dream is 5 minutes late instead of over a century WHAT IS THAT?? WHAT IS THAT?! HOW?!! They just settle back with a pint after that like it's nothing. That's not what I would do. I don't think that's what almost any human would do after a shock like that. I still can't wrap my head around it.

So anyway, Hob Gadling, absolutely FASCINATING character from the perspective of just not doing a single fucking thing you'd expect an immortal Just A Dude to do. Goddamn legend right there. Worth remembering for those like me who are obsessed enough to write this guy in fic. He is just so... opposite of everything you'd expect and that is so fucking sexy of him wow

[madeofchaos]

TR 275

We are 3 chapters away from Tokyo Revengers ending... but it won’t put me out of my misery any time soon with how everything is turning out to be.

🅵🆁🅴🅴 🅺🅰🆉🆄🆃🅾🆁🅰

Mikey, my dude, you have been giving in to these impulses from the very start. The only reason you can go wild as you want is because you no longer have no worry about your dumb brother’s time-traveling ability being a secret.

Boy..... if you don’t put that down right now..... That kanata is taller that you are... What, did you study the blade with Sanzu too???? Lol if you look at Mikey’s butt, you can almost see a face.

Listen carefully Haruchiyo. You can use this to your advantage. When Kakucho’s body is found and they look for a suspect, you can pin this all on Mikey. You can avenge yourself this way instead of being sent to juvie... again, but like in this timeline. Mikey gets put away in that top-security correctional facility and hopefully learns about his impulse control from zen-master, Hanemiya Kazutora.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to Pah-chin. The only one with any sort of brain cells asking the right questions. What is the point of all these fights? No one is benefiting anything from them.

OMG! This gremlin is fast as fuck at striking. Takemichi, your best bet is running away! Or using that long rope thing to capture the katana or Mikey’s hands.... something! See I told you the katana is taller than Mikey on the 3rd image.

It’s strange as fuck seeing Sanzu sharing his thoughts about Mikey to Takemichi of all people. He should have said this to Baji, Emma, or Draken. He grew up alongside Baji and Emma, so I don’t know why he didn’t just consulted with either of them. Baji would have believed Haru and Wakui could have these two childhood friends repairing this fucking broken relationship while making sure that Mikey didn’t fall of the deep end. It would have been fucking amazing. Emma and Draken could have been working together to help MIkey too. Emma could have kept an eye out on Mikey at home and relay any strangeness to Draken who would do the same when they are out. Not only would this bring these two together but they can slowly but surely get to know each other. I hate that there are many ways that Wakui could have written the bonds of Mikey’s close friends working together in order to help him.

I was right. How did those visions worked out for ya? It’s frustrating as fuck seeing Takemichy get mortally wounded when it concerns Mikey. Bruh, at this point, can you even call it “hero-like”? What’s Hina gonna think when she finds out you died? The hell you mean, “I’ll carry your dark impulses on my back.” Do you not see how destructive as fuck they are? Those with impulses killed someone.

uhhhh.....are you sure you can do that? He just kicked your ass and stabbed you. Friend for life? Excuse you! Sanzu would like to have a word with you about that.

Shinichiro is a massive fucking idiot for giving away that time-traveling power. Granted, he wouldn’t know how Takemichi would use it but it still a fucking bad idea giving suck a power to someone with a hero complex. Takemichi is counting on redoing events but here’s something that people with power forget. There are limits, no matter how powerful those abilities may be.

It’s just... I don’t know how to explain it. Takemichi got issues from his first life that he’s kinda projecting to others in this one. He thinks that he can erase bad things that happen to those from Toman just because he can time-travel but that’s not the answer. Takemichi, in a way, filters out the bad behavior/qualities from what he expects from them. Fuck, I need to word this better.

I don’t think no one brought up the Mizo Middle Five in the back. That’s just heartbreaking.

How did Mikey’s heart return? His brother killed a homeless man to give him a second chance. Said brother gave that power to a random kid who would later use that to save his loved one. But wait... it turns out the younger brother of the previous holder is responsible for his girlfriends death and is cursed because of his brothers actions. Shin, Mikey, and Kazutora all showed signs of having impulses. Why didn’t hina then or for that matter Takemichy inherit them too? Is it due to the non-violent manner in which he inherited the power?

What is the origin of this time traveling ability?

There’s no way Takemichi is time-traveling to the past or future. Is Mikey going have the time-traveling power now? Is that how he’s going to give everyone a bittersweet ending? Erasing this time line?!?! Is Haruchiyo going to get the memories of this timeline if that happens?

[mammonshuman92]

- It Takes Two - Pt. 2

(Mammon x Gn!MC)

Genre: angst to fluff (the fluff is coming I promise lol)

Warnings: cheating, not proof read , if i missed any TW’s I apologize

“We’re a little busy right now.” A familiar voice, biting and arrogant, came from his lap. His eyes widened, whipping his head around to look at you in his lap. Except it wasn’t you. It was her. His heartbeat accelerated as panic began to set in.

“No, no, no, no, no.” He chanted, standing up in an instant, causing the succubus to fall to the floor with a thud and a few profanities. As events began to unfold and the puzzle pieces started fitting together; when it was already too late, he realized what he’d done. A hard lump instantaneously forming in his throat. He turned to you, eyes wide with terror, hands on either side of his head tangling in his hair.

“MC..I..I-It’s not wh- I thought-” He choked out.

He followed your line of sight, which was glued to his undone pants and obvious arousal. With shaky hands and fingers unwilling to cooperate, he fumbled with his zipper, struggling to get it up. Arms from behind snaked around his middle, gently clawing at his chest. 

“Shall we finish what we started?” She hummed seductively, staring daggers directly at you.

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips as a fresh wave of tears streamed down your cheeks. You brushed past Asmo, disappearing out the doorway.

What’s goin’ on..? ...This can’t be happenin’..

He shoved the girl’s arms off of him without saying a word, a scowl spreading across her face. He made a beeline for the door, Asmo quickly stepping in front of him to block his way. “Don’t. You’ve done enough..” With venom lacing his tone, he looked the succubus up and down. He turned his glare on his brother for just a moment, the utter disgust they held was evident, before running out the door after you. As his figure disappeared, Mammon could feel the reality, the weight of the situation setting in.

His heart was pounding against his ribcage, breathing becoming erratic. The lump in his throat was unwavering, choking him as tears streamed down his cheeks. The gravity of it all bringing him to his knees.

“How moving.” The voice behind him scoffed, reminding him of her presence, “It almost seems like you love them.”

His head whipped around to see her, lounging casually on the sofa as if nothing had happened.

“You.” He growled, harshly wiping his face with the back of his hand as he stood up.

 “Stay the fuck away from me!” He snarled.

She laughed lightly as she stood from the couch, crossing the floor until she was right in front of him. “Don’t be like that. Ten minutes ago you were ready to nail me on that couch.” She purred, her finger trailing down his chest, quickly moving lower. Like a flash, he grabbed her wrists and held her hands up in the air in front of her.

“Let me make one thing very clear to you right now. I don’t want ya. I only made out with you and shit because I thought ya were MC. I would never willingly do anything to hurt them.” He glared at her, making sure she caught that emphasis, before dropping her hands. “Your jealousy bullshit, and making moves on me while I’m drunk just made me lose the one thing that has ever been good about me..” He trailed off, releasing his grip in her.

She rolled her eyes, “Why are you getting so worked up over a human? There’s nothing special about-”

“Excuse me?” He growled. 

Mammon has always been the level-headed one when it comes to altercations, believe it or not. He never usually lets his anger get the best of him. After thousands of years of being the scummy brother, the thief, the loser, he got used to just letting people’s words fall upon deaf ears, so to say. But, that was not the case this time. You see, anyone could say whatever they wanted to about him, he didn’t care. He could handle whatever was thrown at him. 

You, on the other hand? Well, you’re flawless. In every miniscule way, you were perfect. That’s not saying that you don’t make mistakes, or drive him crazy sometimes, but to him there was absolutely not a thing about you he would change. Everything you did, everything you were, was absolutely immaculate.

Rage bubbled in his gut.

Leaning in closely, he towered over her, radiating ire. “I’m not gonna sit here and discuss why you’re wrong, seein’ as how it’d take all day, but what I am gonna to say is for a lesser demon, ya might wanna reconsider who you’re talking to. He spat, “Say one more thing about MC, and it’ll be the last time ya speak..” He whispered, glaring at her for a moment before taking a step back.

“Stay away from me and MC.” He warned once more, daggers in his eyes as he turned and bolted through the door.

If he had any shred of hope left, it was that you would talk to him and let him explain everything. He knew it was shitty, after everything that just went down, to even consider the possibility of you forgiving him, but he held onto that little shred of hope. Had he been in the right state of mind, had she not taken advantage of the situation and the state he was in, he would’ve never even stayed in the same room with that girl, much less go as far as he had.

He felt awful. Whether he was so drunk he was convinced it was you on his lap or not, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. After seeing the horror, the heartbreak on your face; the tears that stained your cheeks because of something he’d done, he kinda didn’t want you to forgive him. He didn’t want to lose you, couldn’t imagine continuing on without you in his life, by his side. But if you hated him now, he wouldn’t blame you. He deserved it. And he would live with it for the rest of his existence, knowing that he messed up his only chance at true happiness; at spending his life with his soulmate.

-

You bobbed and weaved as quickly as you could through the crowd of club patrons, needing to get far away from here as fast as you could, as your impending breakdown was sure to be a sight to see.

You were already so out of it; physically present but mentally, your brain had already shut off. Not quite sure how to handle the current situation. All the faces in the club were just a blur; you could feel the bass of the music reverberating inside your chest, but you couldn’t hear anything. Kind of like when you’re somewhere so quiet, the absence of sound feels so heavy, deafening.

You had to get out of here. Heart hammering wildly, you felt as if you couldn’t breathe; like the walls were closing in on you. A panic attack was setting in. Finally free of the sea of people, you darted out the front door of the establishment, running as fast as your legs would take you back to the House of Lamentation. Hoping that no one else would be home to see you; becoming witness to your unraveling.

-

*bing*

*bing, bing* *bing*

Your D.D.D. continued going off with near constant notifications well into the night. You could’ve just put it on silent, but you just couldn’t seem to move, frozen by heartbreak. Apparently several pictures were going viral on Devilgram, leaking this rumor and that regarding the second born and the succubus. Further making you look and feel like a complete fool.

Mammon had also been blowing up your phone since you made it back to the HOL. He had even come by your room in an attempt to talk to you but once he realized the door was locked, which had never happened the entire time you’ve lived here, he sat outside the door begging you to open it as loud sobs escaped him. As much as you wanted to, you didn’t budge.

Of course you still love him. How could you not? Hearing his desperate pleas and heartbroken sobs was almost too much for you. Although you were the one who had been betrayed, you wanted nothing more than to fling the door open, latch yourself onto him and never let go. But you couldn’t. Cheating is a dealbreaker. It’d happened before, in previous relationships, but shit this one hurt so bad, worse than any other heartbreak you’d had.

He had his faults, much like everyone, but he was so perfect for you, and treated you like you’d always dreamed. This couldn’t really be the end could it? Over, just like that? Completely smitten and in love two days ago, to heartbroken, crying on the bathroom floor. 

How are you supposed to move on from this? He’s your best friend. Or, was. How are you supposed to pass him in the hall, or eat dinner, or have House movie nights in the common room? How are you supposed to act like you're not still in love with him..?

-

The next week was pretty rough, to say the least.

You stayed locked away in your room when you weren’t at RAD; replaying the moment you saw them together, crying until the tears no longer fell; effectively torturing yourself. They’d all come knocking at your door countless times, trying their best to make you feel better. And while you appreciated it wholly, it didn’t help.

Avoiding Mammon was probably one of the hardest things you’d ever done, seeing as how you kinda live together. While it was extremely hard not to just run up to him and latch onto him like you always did, it seemed harder to just avoid him in general. 

During the first few days, he left small presents outside your door, had a couple of his brothers slip you notes, and waited for you after class a few times. After using every ounce of your willpower to avoid him, he left you alone. He still messaged you several times a day though, apologizing profusely, begging you to talk to him.

But, it was better this way right? Like ripping off a band-aid? 

That’s what you’d always heard anyway. Instead of asking questions and demanding answers as to why someone else chose to hurt you, you just cut it off right there, ghosting them; removing yourself completely from their life. Because if they truly cared, really loved you, they wouldn’t make the conscious decision to do something that they know would hurt you, that stepped outside the boundaries of your relationship. Their reasoning doesn’t matter. Aside from living in the same house and attending the same school, you had pretty much ghosted him.

In public anyway. In the privacy of your room, where you could feel everything to its fullest, you’d spend hours going through pictures, skimming Devilgram for any new gossip about the two of them. Re-reading your old text messages, finger hovering over the send button of the text you’d typed out a hundred times before deleting it and tossing your phone, a new wave of tears pricking your eyes.

-

Unable to sleep, he’d tossed and turned in his bed so much that his body ached and one of the corners of his sheet had popped off the bed. With a heavy sigh, he rolled over and grabbed his D.D.D. off the nightstand. Squinting his eyes harshly when he unlocked the phone.

“3:41am” He groaned, tossing the phone back onto the nightstand. He turned back over, facing the empty side of his bed. Sure, he didn’t often share it before you, but once you started sleeping together, he wasn’t sure how he’d ever slept before you came along. It just felt right. Your body molded against his, sleeping peacefully in his arms.

His hand trailed down the cold, empty sheets; the slight disruption releasing your smell. A hard lump formed in his throat as tears pooled behind his lash line. He sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palms. With a heavy sigh, he stood up and grabbed a pair of pajama pants, making his way to the door. If he had any hope of being able to fall asleep again, he’d need some help drowning his thoughts.

He quietly made his way to the kitchen, fully intending to turn up the bottle of Demonus Lucifer kept hidden in the dark recesses of the pantry. As soon as he stepped foot in the kitchen, he froze.

It had only been seven days, but it felt like a lifetime. Seven days without being in the same room as you for more than just a moment before you ran in any direction as long as it was away from him. Not that he could blame you. He wanted to run away from himself..

Which is exactly what he was determined to do with Demonus, had he not stumbled upon you sitting with your back to the fridge, crying into a half eaten container of chocolate frosting. 

Immediately alerted to the figure in the doorway, you jumped up, attempting to wipe at your face as you muttered an apology, but paled when you saw who it was that disturbed you. You slowly sat the container on the counter, keeping your eyes fixed on the man in the doorway.

What was left of his heart, shattered at the sight of you. Your eyes were puffy and red with dark bags underneath them. The same eyes that looked at him with such deep burning love, were now dull and lifeless as you stared at him. You were visibly broken, anyone could see that. He was the reason you looked like this; like an abandoned puppy, beaten and abused. He hated it. Hated himself.

He moved out of the doorway and into the kitchen, freeing up the only way out in case you wanted to run. Not that he blamed you. If he could run from himself right now, he would.

But, now you were in the same room together for the first time in a week and he didn’t want to waste the opportunity. Maybe if he just started talking you would listen, even just a tiny bit to what he had to say.

“MC, I-”

“Don’t.” Your voice trembled slightly as your eyes began to sting.

“Please, just hear me-”

“And what are you going to say, hm? That you’re sorry? Sorry you did it, or sorry you got caught?” You hissed with tears in your eyes. Mammon slightly recoiled from the tone of your voice, a tone he’d never heard from you. You hated being this way; angry and bitter, wanting him to hurt like you did. It was surely petty, but you didn’t care.

“MC, listen, I swear I didn’t do anythin’, okay? I was still goin’ strong from an all night drinkin’ binge, an-and she just showed up in the VIP lounge. I told her to fuck off but she didn’t listen. I was already pretty out of it when things started happenin’ and I thought it was you. I thought it was you the whole time! I-I didn’t know it was her till I heard you and Asmo and realized what happened! She took advantage of the situation, of me bein’ way too drunk..” He was talking so fast, trying to get out the words he’d been wanting to say to you. 

Narrowing your eyes, you stared at him suspiciously.

What if he really didn’t do it on purpose..? If all of that is true, it would explain why he looks so rough..

Having barely stayed in the same room as one another for several days and not wanting to look at him, wanting to remain strong and now cry in front of everyone, you hadn’t noticed but how awful he looked as well. He clearly hasn’t been sleeping well, judging by the giant bags under his eyes. Not to mention that he is also currently awake at 4am, looking just as much like shit as you did.

“Then why is it all over Devilgram that it’s been an ongoing fling?” You questioned, a few tears escaping.

“I would never do anythin’ like that, MC! She’s just jealous or somethin’, I don’t know what her issue is.. But, I-I love ya, more than anythin’ in the three realms. Even Goldie!”

You could feel yourself caving in with every word he said. It made sense, judging by how she’d randomly confronted you after school that day after whispering about you with her friends all day, it seemed like jealousy could be plausible. But what proof did you have? It was his word against what you saw with your own eyes. Not to mention everything on Devilgram.

“Funny, from where I was standing, it sure looked like I was the last thing on your mind.” You hissed, causing him to flinch; but he wasn’t backing down yet.

“Just let me prove it to ya, okay? I-I’ll do whatever I gotta do. Please, MC?” His deep, sapphire blue eyes bore deep into yours; the sorrow, the agony they held was immense. The crack in your armour deepened.

He could see that you were wavering, but that you were hesitant, scared to believe him; to trust him. He couldn’t blame you. If he were on the other side of all this, he wouldn’t believe his words either. He didn’t expect you to just hear him out then jump into his arms and ride away into the sunset. He knew better. He knew he’d have to prove it. He was more than willing to do whatever it would take for you to trust him again, to believe that he’d never hurt you intentionally.

He took a step toward you, careful and anxious, as if you would bolt if he moved too suddenly. He reached out for your hand slowly, reluctant at first but upon realizing how much you’d missed his touch as his warm, much larger hand enveloped yours, you caved so easily.

He squeezed your hand lightly, looking down at your entwined fingers, gently rubbing the side of your thumb. You felt something wet hit your hand a couple times, realizing quickly that they were tears, you attempted to swallow the lump in your throat that was quickly forming.

“Please? I’m miserable without ya..” He asked, voice cracking slightly.

Even after everything that’s happened the last week, you couldn’t stand to see him in such pain; miserable and broken. Just like you.

Sure, he was always stand-offish about his feelings and the like before you got together, but once it was all official, that was it; the walls came down. There had never been a single time that he lied to you or went behind your back with anything. He lasted exactly twelve minutes after buying your birthday present before he couldn’t take it anymore and spilled the beans. 

He’s always a goofball, sometimes has bad timing and isn’t always the best with words, but he’s never given you a reason not to trust him before; he’s never been anything but an amazing boyfriend that genuinely tries his hardest to make you happy.

“One.” You whispered, barely audible. His head snapped up, deep blue eyes scanning yours. You closed your eyes, taking a deep, yet shaky breath.

“One chance. That’s it.”

No sooner than the words left your lips, Mammon was pulling you flush to his chest in a bone crushing hug. Had you not been utterly craving his touch, to be held by him, you would’ve pushed him away. That’s what you told yourself anyway.

“I won’t make ya regret it, MC.” He earnestly swore, squeezing you gently.

For the sake of your heart, you hoped he was right.

~ taglist ~

@ithinkimdekubutreallyimdenki

@maybe-nott

@bandaged-despair

@bokuto7stan

@aliackerman

- part three coming soon -

[miyagihawk]

“best friend” | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

a/n: his hair is blue in the gif but red in the story :) also this is a bit long but i love it this is one of my favs

warnings: mentions of violence and cheating, swearing

summary: your boyfriend cheated on you and your best friend hawk is there for you

word count: 4207

You should’ve known. It couldn’t have been more obvious.

The way that he doesn’t let you see what’s on his phone. How he never takes you out anymore. The emotional distance you feel when he kisses you. It’s like he’s not even in the same room when you’re together.

Even with all the signs and evidence, your heart still broke like glass when you saw them together. Your boyfriend Danny and the girl that he always assured you was only his “best friend”, locking lips on his bed.

You had come to Danny’s house because he cancelled plans with you, claiming that he was sick. So you decided to surprise him with cookies that you baked, but he ended up having quite a surprise for you too.

The window of his room gave you a perfect view of the scene, and it was almost like you were meant to see it. Like he wanted you to see it. You stood in front of his house for what seemed like forever, trying to figure it out if it was real.

You tried d to rack your brain for excuses as to why he would do it. But there weren’t any. He was simply cheating on you.

Your heart physically hurt as your brain settled on that fact and you threw the plate of cookies on his lawn in defeat. Not caring if the noise made him look out the window, you began the walk back to your house with blurry vision from your tears.

But on the way there, you passed the house of your best friend Hawk. Seeking comfort from your heartbreak, you made your way to his window that you’ve always used as an entrance when you two hang out.

His light was on and you could hear his music, so you knocked on the glass with the rhythm you both made up to let him know that’s it’s you.

You waited as the music stopped and Hawk pulled back the curtains to reveal you. His red hair was down and framing his face in the way you like it. You’re the only person he allows to see him like that, and that fact always warms your heart.

Hawk looked happy to see you, but his smile dropped when he saw your tear stained cheeks and he quickly opened up the window. Helping you get in, he asked, “Y/N, what happened? Are you okay?”

You stood awkwardly in front of him, playing with your fingers. You weren’t sure if you even wanted to tell Hawk. He’s always hated Danny, and Hawk isn’t the most peaceful of creatures.

You didn’t say anything and just buried your face into his chest. You started to cry again, feeling safe in his arms as he held you tightly.

He led you to the bed to sit you down and let you cry it out in his warm embrace. He was worried about you, he’s never seen you like this; but he wouldn’t force you to talk. So for 15 minutes, Hawk ran his fingers through your hair comfortingly as you calmed down from your sobs.

“I’m sorry,” you spoke for the first time, smoothing down your hair. His shirt was filled with your tear stains, but he really couldn’t care less. He just wanted you to be okay.

“Don’t be sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” he said softly. He had a feeling about why you were crying, and he felt anger starting to bubble in his stomach.

You contemplated for a moment, not knowing if you should tell him. You knew Hawk. He would seek revenge on your behalf and it would end in blood.

But he would also find out anyways. If not from seeing Danny at school with the other girl, then he would probably put the pieces together if you told him that you broke up.

The only difference in the outcomes would be that right now you’re in control of how he finds out and you could possibly convince him to leave the situation alone.

“I-It’s Danny,” you breathed, feeling queasy about your decision.

You saw something flash in Hawk’s eyes and his fist tightened at the mention of your (ex) boyfriend’s name. “What did that fucker do,” he said, with a frightening, calm anger.

“Just... Don’t get mad, okay?” you stuttered. You could almost feel the change in the air just from the two words you spoke. Hawk unclenched his jaw and nodded, trying to be calm for you.

“I went to his house, and that was before I came here. And... I saw him with...,” your voice quavered as tears started blurring your vision again. It hurt to say it out loud and you couldn’t even finish your sentence.

Hawk abruptly stood up from beside you, and through your tear filled eyes, you could see the rage on his face. “I’m killing him,” was all he said, as he moved around the room to get his keys and jacket.

You stood up when he got to the door, and you pulled on his arm to make him stop. “Hawk, please. Stop,” you cried, but he was determined to make Danny hurt the way you were hurt. He wanted to hurt him more.

“That asshole was lucky to even have you look at him, Y/N. He’s fucking dead,” Hawk spit, taking his arm from you and making his way to the front door.

“Hawk! Just- stop. Stop! He isn’t worth it. Can you just stay here with me?” you whimpered, and at that moment his face fell. “Just stay, please. I need you.”

You saw the conflict on his face; the pity for you and his hatred for the boy who broke you. But with you in front of him, with puffy eyes and a cute red nose, he knows there’s no way he can leave.

The rest of the night, Hawk took care of you. He ordered in pizza from your favorite place and watched your favorite Disney movie with you, even though he always called it lame. His jokes made you laugh uncontrollably as if you hadn’t just gotten cheated on hours earlier. As always, your best friend was there to save the day.

“I’m sorry Y/N,” he said quietly as he played with your hair. It was already 1 am and you were both laying on his bed. You were exhausted from the day’s events; the thought of school the next day, especially seeing Danny, made you want to throw up.

“You were right,” you whispered, closing your eyes. Hawk had always been wary of Danny, and he often let you know it.

“Well, you see the best in everyone,” you felt the vibration of his voice from his chest, where you rested your head.

“What do you mean?” you looked up at him, struggling to read his face in the dark. His face was turned towards the ceiling in deep thought.

Hawk cleared his throat. “You see the good in people... and that’s my favorite thing about you. But sometimes you’re just so blind to the bad,” he explained.

You stayed quiet, thinking about his words and not really knowing how to interpret them. He continued, “I guess I’m trying to say that you’re different from normal people; you see through rose colored glasses. You dated that scumbag because you’re so loving that you saw the good in him, even if there’s fucking barely any.”

You laughed at the remark, then let him go on. “Even with me. I do shit that make people hate me. I throw punches that I regret and start fights that make me a horrible person in other people’s eyes. But you don’t really think of me like that, no matter how much I mess up. You’re the only person in my life who doesn’t see me as my fuck ups,” Hawk poured his heart out. “But I promise, I would never take advantage of you like him. Just keep living in your little world, alright? Don’t let him ruin that.”

You were left speechless. He had never said something so heartfelt to you and you wanted to cry at how sweet it was. You’ve never really thought about his view of you, but you guess it’s true. Sometimes your blind optimism gets you hurt, but you’re thankful that it helped you find your best friend. Yes, he’s not an angel, but if you listened to what everyone was saying about him, then you two would be strangers.

“I love you Hawk,” was all you said, and you kissed his cheek before cuddling into his side. He returned a kiss into your hair before the both of you drifted off into peaceful sleep.

-

The brightness of the sun woke you up from your dreams, and it took you a minute to adjust your eyes. Memories of yesterday flooded back, but you didn’t really feel sad.

The new day gave you a new perspective. You were grateful that you caught Danny, because if you didn’t, you might’ve never known. It still hurt that he betrayed you; you did love him. But wallowing in sadness would give him too much credit. He was a shit boyfriend and you vowed to cry no more tears over him.

The bed was empty, with no trace of your red haired best friend. In his place was a piece of paper with what you recognized as Hawk’s terrible handwriting.

‘Good morning you terrible snorer. Just kidding you didn’t snore. That loud. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you up for school, you looked really tired and I think you should just have the day for yourself. I have karate later so you don’t have to wait for me, but you can stay if you want. There’s more ice cream in the freezer. Love you. -H’

You smiled as you read it, feeling thankful for how caring Hawk was. You were dreading going to school and facing Danny, but you would’ve forced yourself to go anyways. Hawk probably knew that, so he gave you no choice.

The first part of the day you did some therapeutic cleaning, picking up the pizza boxes and trash from last night.

Then you explored around his room, even though you’ve been in it a thousand times. You went through the comics he used to read and you tried playing his video games, but you didn’t know how to turn it on.

You were already bored by the second hour of being alone, so you decided to head to your own house to freshen up.

‘I went home, I’ll see you tomorrow? Thank you for everything, I don’t know what I would do without you. Also I’ll buy you more ice cream lol I finished it’ you typed a text to Hawk as you walked home, smiling to yourself. 

After a relaxing day alone of face masks and dancing to Lizzo, you were prepared to go to school the next day. You really appreciated that Hawk made you stay home; you needed this time to reflect on everything. You don’t need some boy who doesn’t give you the time of day, when you have Hawk.

-

As you got ready to go to school, you felt like a bad bitch, and you looked like one. No one would ever guess that you’ve just been through a breakup. The heartbreak didn’t last long; you just felt like you’ve dropped some unneeded weight.

You got to school, but Hawk wasn’t waiting at the front for you as usual. It was weird, because he never said anything about missing class. You figured he was just running late. 

But when he never showed up to your shared first period class, it made you worry.

‘Hey, did you not go to school today? Everything good?’ you sent him a quick text as you walked through the halls to your next class.

You were feeling anxious, a contrast from your earlier confidence. You didn’t think you’d be alone today and now you really didn’t want to see Danny without Hawk by your side.

But as if you summoned him and the universe hated you, your cheating ex boyfriend was coming from the other end of the hall. Your eyes met at the exact same moment and you wanted to look away, but you couldn’t.

A black eye adorned his face, matched with a bruised jaw and a wounded lip.

His eyes frantically searched around you as if he was looking for someone. He looked scared.

Suddenly, your brain put all of the puzzle pieces together and you came to a realization. Hawk did this, and he wasn’t at school because he probably got suspended.

Danny tried to move past you, but you grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side of the hallway. He didn’t meet your eyes as you stood in front of him.

“Danny... what happened?” you asked, even though you already knew the answer.

You didn’t know how to feel. You know you should be angry that Hawk didn’t listen to you, but you felt no pity towards the boy in front of you.

Danny scoffed. “You know what happened. Your little boyfriend started the fight, saying shit about how I don’t deserve you and I’m a cheating asshole.”

You rolled your eyes. “One, he’s not my boyfriend. Two, he’s right, you don’t deserve me. And three, you are a cheating asshole. You said Emily was just your friend, but I should’ve known. I saw you,” you snapped, but he shook his head and laughed.

“You don’t see it, do you? That you’re just as guilty as me?” Danny sneers.

“What?” you blink in confusion.

“Oh come on Y/N. You were always his. It was him first, and then me. But he was just your “best friend”, right? Don’t act all innocent, when anyone can see that you have feelings for him.”

Your mouth falls open slightly at his words, and he continues, “Look I’m sorry that it went down like this, but you should be with him. We’re just not meant for each other and it’s obvious that you love him more than you’ve ever loved me. And he loves you too. Otherwise I wouldn’t be looking like this. We’re fine, alright? Goodbye Y/N.”

Danny gives you a tight lipped smile before leaving, but you’re left staring into space, speechless. You didn’t expect anything he just told you and you don’t even know if you believe it.

Is he right? Do you love Hawk, like that? You’ve felt like the victim the whole time, but you never would’ve thought that Danny felt like one too.

You began to feel guilty, looking back on the relationship at times when you would leave dates with Danny to pick up Hawk when he’s in trouble. When you would choose to sleepover at Hawk’s house instead of Danny’s because he had a breakdown. And when sometimes you’re a little bit too affectionate with your best friend, but you’ve always excused it as platonic even though his forehead kisses gave you butterflies.

Maybe you really weren’t all that innocent.

Maybe you did love Hawk more than Danny, and maybe you’re only just now realizing it.

-

The pattern of the knocking at your window made your stomach turn.

You’re not sure if you’re ready to face Hawk after your revelation, because after thinking on it for the rest of the day, all signs pointed to him. Every single thing Danny said was right.

You love Hawk.

The only thing you aren’t sure of is how Danny said he loves you too. You’ve always thought that Hawk sees you as a little sister and strictly as a best friend, which is why he’s so protective. The possibility that confessing your feelings could ruin your relationship created a conflict within you.

You opened your window and there he was. He had a gash right above his brow, presumably from Danny, but he didn’t look half as bad as the boy he beat up.

You saw Hawk in a different light as he stood like Romeo before you. It was as if the realization of your feelings for him made his eyes look more beautiful and his lips look softer, and you no longer had to faithfully push those thoughts away.

“Hey,” was all he said, as he stumbled in through the sill into your room. His hair was down again, because he knew you liked it like that and he hoped it would help you not be too mad at him.

“Hi,” you said awkwardly, walking back to sit on your bed where he followed. He sat close to you so that your shoulders were touching, and even though he’s been closer, it made you feel lightheaded.

“Look, Y/N, I’m sorry, I know you said to leave it alone, but he hurt you, and I needed to-”

“I’m not mad,” you interrupted his nervous rambling.

“Oh,” his shoulders relaxed, but his fingers were still nervously tapping on his knees.

There’s a weird silence between you two, and it was out of the ordinary that you didn’t have something to talk about.

“Are you alright?” you finally looked at him for the first time since you both sat down.

You don’t know what compelled you to do it, but you lifted up your hand to lightly trace your fingers along his brow where the cut was. His ocean eyes were on you as you did it, but you felt nervous to meet them.

“I’m fine. Did you see him?” Hawk said in a light tone, smiling as you touched his skin.

You let out a quiet laugh. “Yes. Nice work,” you mused.

You pulled your hand away from his face, but he grabbed it before you could put it down. He moved your hand back to his skin, releasing millions of butterflies in your stomach. “I like it,” he said, and you only nodded.

“So how long are you out for?” you questioned, referring to his suspension.

“Three days,” he mumbled, eyes closing in relaxation as you started touching his hair. You sighed in response. “It was worth it though.”

He still had his eyes shut when you put down your hand and wrapped your arms around him. He blinked in surprise, then held you closer. “Thank you. You’re the only one who would take a punch for me,” you said, pouring gratitude into the embrace.

“I don’t think that’s true, but you’re welcome,” he rested his head in the crook of your shoulder and you felt his hair tickle your ear. “It was for me too, you know? I hated his guts.”

You responded with a hum of understanding, still grasping onto him like he could leave any moment.

He pulled back from you enough to see your face, and he looked concerned while he tried to read you. “What’s wrong?”

You really underestimated how much he knows you, because he sensed your anxiety even though you tried to mask it.

“Nothing’s wrong,” you offered a smile, but he wasn’t convinced.

“Did you talk to him?” he asked, rubbing soft circles on your hand. He knew you were thinking about something and he wanted you to open up, but he was always delicate with it.

You just nodded, feeling your palms getting sweaty. Talking about your conversation with Danny would bring up what he said about you and Hawk, and you weren’t even sure if you wanted to spill your heart yet. You internally cursed at yourself for not hiding your emotions well enough.

“Did he say shit to you? I swear if-”

“No. We just... talked,” you cut him off. You prayed that he would leave the topic, but he didn’t.

“What about?” he pressed, making you feel hot from nerves.

“Uh... I just asked him about what happened,” you answered, but there was no way he couldn’t hear the shake in your voice.

“Then what’s bothering you? You can talk to me Y/N,” he said softly, a worried look in his eyes. You felt bad keeping secrets from him, because that’s something you never did.

“Promise me we’ll always be best friends,” your voice shook, making his face twist up in confusion.

“What? Of course. Hey, nothing could change that alright?” he looked at you with his soft eyes.

You swallowed, feeling a bit better by his reassurance.

“He- He just said some things that made me think about... us. And I was blind to it, but- he’s right. Well he’s right about me, I don’t really know how you feel, but now I’m just so confused- and for some reason him cheating on me felt justified in a way? I-” you rambled anxiously, until Hawk stopped your frenzy of word vomit.

“Woah, woah, slow down Y/N... just... what? What is he right about? And how could that be justified? There’s no excuse for what he did Y/N,” his voice raised at the mere thought of Danny gaslighting you into thinking that somehow you deserved to be cheated on.

“No- I- I know it was shitty but... Hawk,” you took a deep breath to prepare yourself for your confession. “I think I cheated too. But not like him. I- I cheated emotionally,” you spit the words out, not only admitting it to him, but also to yourself.

The red haired boy’s face was blank in confusion as he processed what you had just said. “Y/N what the fuck are you talking about?”

You struggled to reach his eyes while you carefully tried to think through your answer. You felt like if you looked at him you would simply melt, but maybe in this case it would be a good thing.

He put his hand gently under your chin to tilt your face towards his, forcing you to meet his blue, puzzled eyes. You wanted to burst into tears under his gaze, because you had no idea what to do.

Hiding your feelings could ruin your friendship. Confessing has the same chance. So which are you supposed to choose?

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. I love you. I love you so fucking much Y/N and that’s forever. Nothing you say or do could change that,” Hawk said, rubbing your hand comfortingly. He thought you were hesitating in telling him because you were afraid of his judgment.

Those three words. They felt different this time. They made you more dizzy. More fluttery. The way he said it was the same as all the other times, but the way it made you feel was just so different.

It gave you such a high that you decided to take a leap of faith before you could fully think it through. A leap that you know deep down was always going to happen, even if it looked like there were two choices. You could regret it, but you just jumped.

“I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you, Eli. I’ve always been in love with you.”

You felt like you needed to run away right as you said it, as if the words were a bomb that you didn’t want to see the aftermath of. You didn’t want to see the outcome because you were afraid it would just leave you devastated.

Eli.

His mouth slightly fell open at the use of his old name, next to your piercing confession.

For some reason it slipped out of your mouth, but it felt right. You’ve probably said it five times ever since “Hawk” was born, but it was only used in serious conversations. Like when you comforted him after his dad died. Or when you were so worried about him when he ran away from home for a week.

“I’m so sorry, Eli,” you said, after hearing the news.

“I missed you so much, Eli, never fucking do that again,” you cried into his shoulder when he showed up at your door.

It was like a code between the two of you that you were being nothing but genuine.

Hawk sat in shock in front of you, and you swore you could actually see the escalation of thoughts running through his head.

“Maybe it took an asshole like Danny to make me realize it, but he was right. I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you... and I knew that, but it’s just how it’s always been. I thought we would go through life together but be with other people, even though I would always put you first. I thought that it was just an us thing, you know? Best friends. But I just- I realized that I don’t even need anyone else. I only need you,” you scanned his eyes for a moment before continuing. “I know I won’t love anyone else like I love you. And- and god, I’m just pouring my heart out and I don’t even know how you feel... I’m sorry if this is too much.”

He stared at you, stunned, and you heard your heart pounding in your chest violently as you waited for him to say something.

But instead of speaking, you felt the softness of his lips on yours before you could think another thought.

a/n: wow i think that was the longest thing i have ever written and i wasn’t sure if i was going to end it like that :0 anyways hope u enjoyed love u all!

[the-cult-of-russo]

No Going Back

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

Request : good morning. i wanna request number 8.  “Maybe you should just leave now.” angst/fighting dialogue. to be correct it is for billy russo right?

A/N: yes it's my Billy boy :') he a lil soft in this though but also an asshole lmaooo not gonna lie, this one had me swept up in the emotion. It hit quite close to home and now I'm sad :') 

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness and heartbreak. Billy fucked up big time lol

Your hands were shaking as you slammed the door to your apartment. Tears stained your cheeks and you kicked your heels off before storming to your bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag and starting to pack his things that he'd left around. Heartbroken didn't even cover it. 

You knew this would happen, it's why you fought against it for so long. But you were stupid and ended falling for his bullshit and now you were a mess. 

You and Billy had been together officially for 7 months. You'd met a year ago at a bar and hit it off, but when he tried to take you home you'd denied him. That apparently piqued his interest even more. He'd always be at the bar every Friday when you went and it was always easy to just be yourself around him. You didn't take him up on his offer and he would offer every time. He never made it a secret that he wanted you. 

But as the months drew on, you both got to know each other more and it became a sort of friendship. You had to admit you felt something when you looked forward to seeing him. He'd asked you once why you were so against it and you'd been pretty blunt with him. You knew of his reputation and you weren't into it. You didn't do one night stands or casual sex. You wanted a relationship, someone to settle down with. You wanted something real. You told him you didn't think he was capable of that and he'd break your heart. 

Five months into knowing each other and he'd switched from just wanting to fuck you to wanting to actually date you and you'd still put up a fight. But as your feelings for him grew, he wore you down. The moment you agreed to that date, which he'd been over the moon about, everything changed. 

It had been so easy to be with him. He treated you like a queen, was more affectionate than you'd have thought, and you enjoyed each other's company. He was busy with Anvil a lot so you didn't see him every day but he'd call if he couldn't see you or send you sweet texts. He swore to you up and down that he'd never hurt you, never do what you'd thought he would do when you turned him down all those times. 

You'd see the looks women gave him when you went out together or were at an event as his date and sometimes you'd feel insecure. But he only had eyes for you it seemed and it reassured you. It lulled you into a false sense of security that he'd actually changed. That he actually cared about you. 

But you were wrong. So very fucking wrong and now you were paying for it. You'd been having dinner with a friend you hadn't seen in a while when it happened. Your eyes finding Billy across the restaurant. He was sat with a pretty blonde, very up close and intimate as they whispered god knows what to each other. You'd felt your heart crack but tried to deny it. It was just flirting, nothing more. But then… he'd leaned in and kissed her. 

You'd shot out of your seat so fast the chair fell over and ran out of the place like someone had lit a fire up your ass. And you knew he'd seen you because you heard him shouting your name as you jumped into a cab and left. 

You hated yourself for being surprised at what he'd done. You'd told him this was exactly how it would go but he'd swore to you. And you allowed yourself to buy into his bullshit because you loved him. 

Most of his things packed, you padded over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, pouring a large glass. You swigged it in one and felt the warmth bloom in your chest. It did little to ease the hopeless sorrow that consumed you though. 

There was a rough knock at your door and you heard Billy call your name loudly. You tensed, heart breaking all over again as the tears seemed to be never ending. You didn't want to talk to him, to even look at him. But this was it. You couldn't stay with him, not now. You'd never be able to trust him again. You knew you had to tell him it was done so you could lick your wounds and heal from the pain. 

"Y/N, please… open the door," Billy begged from the other side. You walked over, unlocking it but not opening it as you stormed back off to your bedroom. You knew he'd let himself in. You heard his heavy footsteps entering as you shoved another of his shirts in the bag, one you liked to sleep with.

"Can we talk?" He asked hesitantly. 

"No," you bit out, eyes snapping to him. His face fell when he saw you crying and he took a tentative step into the room.

"Please, Y/N, let me explain," he frowned. You laughed but it held no joy. Only a deep rooted pain that was latched onto your soul. 

"Explain? Really? What, you gonna say you tripped and your mouth landed on hers?! I saw it with my own eyes, Billy! You don't need to explain anything!" You roared, pure pain lacing your words.

He clenched his jaw as he shook his head, eyes glassy as he stared at you. 

"I'm-I'm sorry," he started softly,  reaching out to grab your arm but you smacked it away harshly. He looked like a kicked puppy and you hated it. He didn't get to be upset about this. 

"How long have you been fucking her then?" You asked snidely as you grabbed the duffel bag, holding it in a death grip. 

"I haven't fucked her," he muttered quietly. You snorted deprecatingly and he bit down on his lower lip.

"Yet?" You asked knowingly. His guilty glance to the floor told you everything you needed to know. 

"How long, Billy? How long have you been cheating on me?" You asked, your voice wavered but your gaze had nothing but fire in it and he shifted where he stood. He couldn't look at you. 

"A month. It was always one night, I never went back to someone," he frowned. Pain clawed its way through your chest and you threw the bag at him hard. He caught it but stumbled a little and he looked at you forlornly. 

"Well, I guess that makes it better then, right?" You asked coldly and he flinched. 

You stormed past him back to the kitchen area and he followed quickly. 

"Please listen to me, Y/N. I need to make this right," he pleaded desperately. You whirled around to face him, face flushed and tear stained and you felt like you wanted to scream. 

"Why? Why did you just decide after 6 months together to do this to me? You promised me, Billy! I knew this would happen but you fought for this! For us! Why?! Just so you could break my heart?!" You bellowed, a mix of anger and utter despair in your tone. 

His lower lip quivered and he bit down on it, staring at the floor.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I swear, I didn't. I just…" his voice cracked as his teary eyes landed on you. 

"Maybe you should just leave now," you uttered. Your whole body was trembling and you felt sick. You couldn't stand to look at him. He stepped closer to you, dropping the bag on the floor but you took a step back. It would be far too easy to fall for his bullshit again and if he touched you, you didn't think you'd be able to get him to leave. 

It felt like pure pain ripped through your chest, the weight of the world crashing down around you. You slumped onto a dining chair as a raw sob clawed its way out. Billy was kneeling in front of you in seconds, his own cheeks now damp as he cupped your cheeks. You moved your head from his grip and shook your head. 

"I loved you, you know that?" You whispered brokenly though your tears. You'd never outright said it, mostly in fear of his reaction. But it had all gone to shit anyway. His lip trembled again, scrunching his nose up a little as he shook his head. He looked utterly devastated and it made you angry so you continued.

"I loved you with everything I had. I trusted you with my life. I ripped out my own beating heart and willingly gave it to you because you swore to me you wouldn't do this. You just took it and stomped all over it. How could you do this to me?" Your last words were strained as the tears flowed freely.

"Please let me fix this," he begged helplessly. He was crying openly now, not trying to hide it as he gazed at you from the floor. 

"You can't fix it. I'll never be able to trust you again. It's not just the sex, Billy! You've been lying to me for a month. All those business meetings or times you were away? And you just… you'd come back to me with a smile and tell me sweet words. Looked me in the fucking eye and not feel guilty," you choked out. He shook his head vigorously, hands clasping yours so tight you couldn't pull them away.

"You've got no idea how guilty I felt. It's been eatin' me up from the inside out," he lamented.

"Why would you…? What was it? You just got bored of me? Decided you didn't want me anymore? You should have just ended this because it would hurt less than this," you wept pitifully. He shook his head, clutching your hands tighter.

"Don't… Don't say that, I do want you. I know I don't deserve you, I know I'm an asshole. And… and maybe I shoulda left it alone when you told me this would happen, but I was selfish and I-I couldn't. You were never like the others. I knew that from the moment we met. But then… then things were gettin' serious and I just… I freaked out and went back to my default 'cause I didn't know how to…'' he cried, screwing his face up as he hung his head. 

You sobbed as you stood, his hands falling away and you moved to lean against the table as he stood. 

"It would be bad enough if I'd just got with you in the first place and you did this. But I wanted to avoid this. I tried so hard but you kept on at it. And it hurts so much more because you promised me you wouldn't do this and I believed you. I thought you'd changed, that you…" you ran a hand through your hair, tugging on it as the tears wouldn't stop.

He stepped to you, grasping your face in both hands and you couldn't bring yourself to fight it despite the pain it brought you. His endless eyes were all consuming, his cheeks wet from his own tears.

"Please… please, Y/N, don't do this. Let me make it right," he begged tearfully. 

"Without trust, we have nothing. Everytime you're on your phone I'd wonder if you were talking to another woman. When you're out I'd be paranoid about who you were with. I can't live like that, Billy. I can't live my life in… in an anxious, jealous haze. That's not a relationship," you whispered. 

He made a pained noise and it squeezed your heart so hard you thought it might implode. 

"I was never good enough for you. I knew that. But I wanted… I wanted to try and be-be a good man… for you. And I fucked up so bad and I just…" his words trailed off into a hopeless sob and you squeezed your eyes shut. You wished there was a way to fix this but there wasn't. You wouldn't be in one of those relationships without trust. Checking your partner's phone and always checking in. It would break you.

"You need to leave, Billy," your words were a mere breath and his hands on your face tightened for a moment before they fell to his sides. He looked completely broken and you were sure you looked the same. He opened his mouth before promptly closing it, his jaw ticking as he moved away and pushed the heels of his palms to his eyes. 

You wrapped your arms around yourself like it would protect you from the pain and glared at the floor. You could still feel his gaze burning into you. You glanced at him as he grabbed the bag and slung it over his shoulder. You had to fight the urge to grab onto him as he walked to your door. You felt like you were dying. 

He grabbed the handle but stopped, not looking at you as his body tensed.

"I want you to know… I love you too," his pained words felt like a punch to the gut and you covered your mouth with a hand but it did little to stop the noise that left your lips. He looked over his shoulder at you, still holding the door handle.

"I know that… right now you probably don't believe me, but I do. And I'm sorry. I-I never wanted you to get hurt. You deserve so much better," he muttered despondently. With that, he opened the door and slipped out of your apartment. Of your life. 

You fell to the floor as heaving sobs left your chest. It would have been easier if he came here being an asshole. Cold and emotionless like you knew he could be at times. But seeing him, his emotions so raw and on display, it cut you deeper than any knife could. And you believed him. You knew him well enough to believe that he fell in love with you and freaked out. You knew it would happen which is why you'd turned him down at the start. You believed he never wanted to hurt you. And you wished you could forgive him. You saw how much it hurt him too but you couldn't. You couldn't get over the betrayal and you didn't think you ever could. 

He'd sabotaged what you both had because of his inability to deal with what he felt and the bitter knowledge that if he'd just accepted it, how different your future would be with him, it left a sour taste in your mouth. Billy had opened up to you a lot in your time together about his past and you knew how much it had messed him up. You knew it left him struggling with emotions and relationships and you felt for him. For the lost boy who'd never felt love and didn't know how to cope with it. But nothing could erase the heartbreak. The hurt that he'd given you. Because even if you'd one day be able to forgive him, you'd never be able to forget.